Say Yes To Confidence

"The Secret Of Failure"

2009-01-08T07:34:02-08:00

Isn’t it great when the pundits welcome in the New Year with glad tidings to the effect that “it’s bad now, and it’s going to get a whole lot worse”?

Ok, so maybe it isn’t.

You have to remember that these people get paid for being depressing.

It’s called being ‘realistic’.

But it’s not just the pundits who do it.

Just this week I spoke with a client who has ‘dealt with all her limiting beliefs’. She knows all about them, and she has dealt with them; she doesn’t have any left.

So when I asked her what her goals were for 2009, I was more than a little surprised when she said she didn’t have any. When pushed, she said she would like to be working full-time in her partner’s business by the end of the year and reduce her credit card debt.

Now, these are worthy things, no doubt about it. But are they big, exciting goals that will get her out of bed in the morning?

Hardly.

You see, she was focusing on is things being a little less bad, rather than creating the lifestyle she wants.

But then she hadn’t understood the point of goals.

A goal that really resonates with you is something that inspires you to take action.

Setting great, inspiring goals will:

Increase your net worth
Improve your quality of life
Free up leisure time
Lead to new knowledge and skills
Open up new horizons

Why?

Because a great goal (or several) will motivate you to take inspired action. (I’ve seen it happen time and time again; clients get all fired up about their goals, they take action and things take a radical turn for the better.)

Nothing succeeds like taking action.

Often, it’s enough to take one small step after another to achieve massive results.

My client wasn’t having any of it.

Because she knew that big dreams just lead to big disappointments.

“What about Bill Gates, and Richard Branson and J.K. Rowling and Gerry Halliwell and… you get the picture. All the random people you can think of who start with a dream and make it happen, on the strength of that dream.” I asked.

“Ah but” she said…

“Aha!”, I thought. “She’s a member of the Black Ahbut Clan, the people who have an objection for every hope, dream vision and wish, who spend their days in Black Ahbut gloom, their heads swathed in the black and charcoal Ahbut tartan…”

(You probably don’t know anybody remotely like that, but I’ve met a few.)

It turns out a couple of people close to her discovered the Secret of Failure. They were talented enough for other people to want to believe in them and offer them practical support. Yet it all came to nothing.

Now, my client interpreted that as meaning that big dreams end in failure, until I revealed to her the Secret of Failure. (It’s one of those dastardly Secrets-that-are-hidden-in-plain-sight, FYI.)

Her near and dear ones had REFUSED to take action. (That’s like taking your magic wand and throwing it in the bin.)

She got the picture.

Now she is cheerfully setting herself big, fat goals and creating her action plan.

And she has this Mark Twain quote posted on her monitor:

“Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.”

You can create your truth through your actions.

What will you do to confound those miserable pundits and make 2009 your best year yet?

“A Problem Is A Problem Is…”

2008-11-14T01:57:17-08:00

Earlier this week, I was sitting over dinner with someone who regaled me with his concerns for his offspring’s partner. His concerns may, or may not have been justified, but here’s the thing: the person who was the focus of his concern didn’t see that there was a problem.

Therefore the only person who had a problem – and for him it was a big problem – was my fellow dinner. I pointed this out to him and, given that it was troubling him excessively, I volunteered to help him clear his problem in about 15 minutes flat. He smiled uncomfortably and made vague, polite noises.

Why?

He was utterly unconvinced. He belonged to the Gertrude Stein school of thought.

Gertrude Stein famously said:

“A rose is a rose is a rose.” (She doubtless said the same about chrysanths, but history doesn’t record that. Still you get the picture.)

How many people have unconsciously absorbed the Gertrude Stein approach to problems: i.e. “a problem is a problem is a problem”?

Sure, there are problems and problems. Not all problems are born equal. Personal and emotional problems often seem the hardest. Yet they don’t have to be.

The one thing that guarantees you can’t shift a personal/emotional problem is the belief that you can’t shift it.

I see it all the time with clients. They come with problems that they don’t believe they can change. Coming to see me is simply a last ditch stand, the final resort when everything else has failed.

Susie (not her real name, naturally) is a fairly typical client in that respect. She came about procrastination and lack of confidence.

In fact these ‘problems’ were more the manifestations than her core issues. She had relationship problems that dated back to childhood, a chronic ‘people-pleasing’ habit, a child with significant learning difficulties and a long term weight issue, to name but some of her challenges.

Just today she said to me: “I feel like I have shed a skin that was too small for me.

What did she mean by that?

Well, I’d liken it to her removing a strait-jacket. She’d come in the hope of coping better with the difficulties in her life. What actually happened was that, in the course of working with me – and ‘purely coincidentally’, you understand J – she had cleared away those difficulties.

She resolved those old relationship problems. So much so that her partner was excited to discover what else had changed after each one of our sessions.
She stopped people-pleasing and became adept at putting boundaries in place and saying ‘no’.
She found she could manage her child’s behavioural difficulties much more calmly and easily.
She started to market herself far better than she ever had and thus generate significantly more new and repeat business.
She got her website up and began sending out her ezine, thereby beating her old procrastination habit.
She lost a lot of weight and transformed her relationship with food.
She embraced the concept of self-care as the necessary prerequisite to consistently offering the best level of care to her family.

Did she think that she could have all these benefits from coaching at the start?

No, of course, she didn’t. Because she knew, or thought she did, that everyday miracles – like hurricanes – Hardly Ever Happen.

And yet they can and they do.

Unless, that is, you choose to believe that “a problem is a problem is a problem.”

“Not All Coaches Are The Same”

2008-09-13T08:00:48-07:00

The other day I was talking to a good mate of mine about popular misapprehensions about coaching.

“Let’s face it”, Annie, he said; “not all professions are created equal. Some of the less publicly acceptable ones include: tax inspector, funeral director, proctologist, bailiff and, nestling in there among them lies your own professional label, ‘coach’.”

“Thanks for sharing that, John”, I replied.

“You’re welcome”, he said, grinning that demonic grin of his. “I hate to tell you this” – trust me, he didn’t, he was loving it – “These days even hydrotherapists (aka colonic irrigationists) and call girls are better regarded, thanks to Billy Piper.” (John is a big fan of Billy Piper.)

Ever the ‘contrarian’, John continued:

“Isn’t it great how you only have to say the word ‘Coach’ and civilised faces pucker with disdain? Just to be sure, they’ll state accusingly: “Coach, as in “lifestyle coach”, and then they’ll get ready to consign you once and for all to their Scourge-on-the-Face-of-Humanity box?”

“John”, I said, “help me out here. I’ve never ‘got’ the ‘lifestyle’ label. Nor have I ever believed that better ‘foundation garments’, coordinated cushions, a new hair do, gym membership, clutter clearing, or going 2 rounds with Trinny and Susannah will change your life from the outside in. What’s that about?

“In fact, I’ve never believed that anyone can change their life from the outside in. And I’ve certainly never believed that I can change other people’s lives from the outside in. I’m not that arrogant.

“After 7 years watching in wonder as my clients make massive, appropriate change in their life, the most powerful thing I’ve ever discovered is the awesome resources my clients bring to bear on their situation.”

“Listen, you’re preaching to the converted, where I’m concerned”, John said. “But maybe you need to tell other people that not all coaches are the same. Just spell out what differentiates a good coach from the bog standard variety. People are pretty smart, you give them the information and they will get it. So tell them. Show them the gulf between ‘standard coach speak’ and excellent coaching.”

By now John was warming to his subject and he reeled off a list of bog standard coach-speak statements to watch out for, complete with his own scathing comments.

“You need to adhere to a structured coaching programme.” Why? Human beings are as different as their finger prints.
“You need to spend the first hour understanding how I work.” Let the client know right from the start who it is all really about.
“It’s ok to focus on issues (symptoms) without addressing the core problems.” That’s like lopping off branches without addressing the (Gordon Ramsay) tree trunk.
“It’s not about quick wins.” Pity, that. Everybody loves a quick win.
“Coaches simply ask questions.” A 5 year old can, and does, ask questions incessantly. The key to helping people achieve better results is to ask superb questions,that instantly open up useful new vistas.
“You can’t coach people who are emotionally distressed.” Always, always load the dice in your favour and then, if they do experience emotional distress – and who doesn’t sooner or later? – you can suck the air in sharply between your teeth and say: “Sorry, you’re not in the right head space, so this isn’t going to work.”
“Change is a serious business, and a painful one too.” You wouldn’t want people do discover what a great therapeutic tool laughter is for quick wins, would you? Can you imagine how many analysts and counsellors it could put out of business?

“Whoa, John” I said, “I wouldn’t want to suggest for a moment that I’m something special, but here’s how I understand coaching”:

Coaching is always, always, about the client, first and last. The client sets the desired outcomes. The coach’s job is to over-deliver massively, so the client gets what they want and much much more.
Coaching can only ever be a bespoke service, tailored to the needs, wants and situation of the client. There is no such thing as a ‘one-size-fits-all’ where something as important as the goals of the individual are concerned.
I have 10 minutes to get a good laugh and get the client to start to see things differently.
Expect a series of quick wins. If you haven’t had enough of slow, hard and frustrating, you wouldn’t have make the choice to work with me.
Whatever emotions, concerns and problems respect, support and total confidentiality. When you have a good coach, you don’t need a counsellor or therapist to ‘help carry the load’. The good coach will often clear ‘counselling issues’ faster and more effectively than the counsellor.
Fun is an essential part of the coaching process. If you ever had a teacher who fast-tracked your learning experience through fun and laughter, you’ll know that fun is a powerful learning tool.
The good coach is passionate about what they do – and their clients can expect to be delighted with the results. Enough said.

Not all coaches are the same, and nor are clients. Coaching is all about getting the best out of your life. Bog standard coaching generates bog standard results. Make sure you employ the coach who is best equipped to help you attain your best outcomes.

Who Else Wants More Confidence?

2008-09-12T01:25:34-07:00

Can you ever be too rich, too drop dead gorgeous, or too confident? Seemingly not, barring the very occasional exception that only proves the rule. (There's always one, isn't there?)

Confidence is something we assess from the outside. They have it, or so we think, because they behave differently to us. Of course, in a lot of cases, they only behave that way to cover up their lack of confidence. (But we don’t see that, because we are too busy worrying about our lack of confidence.)

One of the great paradoxes about confidence is...

this: people who don't feel they have it, spend a lot of time making themselves miserable by comparing themselves unfavourably with the people they believe do have it.

In reality, scratch the surface of almost anyone and you will reveal their inner shrinking violet. "Ah but", you may argue, "their shrinking violet is less shy and retiring than my inner violet."

Whoa! Just listen to yourself for a moment. Listen to that subtext. Listen to what it is actually saying: "It's harder for me. It's harder for me because of X (and Y, and Z)." It will be harder for you if that is the attitude you take, because that is 'victim-speak'. (We've all done it.) Would you just mind telling me: how has that attitude has ever moved you forward?

Because that is what you want, isn't it? To stop getting bogged down in your lack of confidence and, in the words of the Nike ad, "Just Do It" (JDI)?

Did you know that you are far closer to "JDI" than you think you are? You have to be. You see, you couldn't possibly envisage 'a confident person's behaviour' if you didn't have a more constructive road map already installed in your head.

Now you only want to access it. Hard? No! Surprisingly easy, with a little practice, once you know how. Sure, you can fast track your way to confidence by working with someone with a proven track record. But if you are not ready for that yet, then how about a little experiment? All it will take is 5-10 minutes of your precious time, and it might help you to feel a little more confident about… well, confidence.

First, take a moment to identify someone who has always struck you as the epitome of confidence. It may be someone you know, or someone who you’ve seen on the silver screen. It doesn’t matter. All that does matter is that you can visualize a scenario in which that person behaves with a confidence that resonates with you. (You can’t possibly know if they were quailing inside at the time and it doesn’t matter. It’s all about the behaviour.)

Take 5-10 minutes to think yourself into that confident person's shoes: see what they see, do what they do, hear what they hear, say what they say, in that particular scenario. Think you can't? Try it and start to surprise yourself! Run through that scenario in your head a few times. You’ll probably be amazed by all the things that you notice that you can put to good use in the weeks and months ahead.

Ok, that’s not all there is to confidence, but maybe it’s taught you that getting a handle on confidence could be easier than you previously thought. If you’d like to know how to activate your own inner lasting confidence, quickly and easily, then I’d love to work with you. But only if you want to have fun, learns lots and grow your confidence effortlessly.

"What Size Are Your Boots?"

2008-09-11T11:13:41-07:00

You might be wondering: “What possible interest could the size of my boots hold for you, Annie?”

(Sure, I’m not offering to buy them, and I’m not plotting to run off with them. Not unless you have some nice pairs of Jimmy Choo’s – unworn, please – in a size 4½. In which case, please notify me, asap.)

So, to a point you’d be right, I’m not hugely interested in your shoe size, per se. But here’s what I am interested in: that old anxiety about ‘being too big for your boots’.

Isn’t funny how often children are told: “You are getting too big for your boots”?

My client, “Matt”, (not his real name, naturally) was talking about that the other day. He’s hugely talented at what he does. Yet his - personal and professional - rewards fall well short of his ability. Matt’s brilliant at selling himself short. (He must be the only one!)

He’s tired of going round and round the same vicious circle. But he doesn’t know how to get out of it.

Other people always tell him how great he is. But he might as well be Teflon coated. Appreciation just doesn’t stick. (Criticism does though.) You only have to say something good about him and he does a funny little physical and mental squirm thing, until the praise slithers down the nearest drain.

It turns out that as a little boy he was told:

You’re too big for your boots
Pride goes before a fall
Get too excited and it will end in tears

Great messages, huh?

I said to him; “You were taught not to get too big for your boots. What if you tried so hard not to be too big for your boots, that you have always made sure you were too small for your boots? Have you ever thought about that.”

He hadn’t.

But you have, right?

Matt is a bright guy, so it didn’t take him long to realize that being too small for his boots has kept him ‘punching below his weight’.

He had made a connection in his own head between things ‘grown ups’ say to children and taking a legitimate satisfaction in his adult achievements. Yes, it was completely wrong-headed, but it was his, and in a curious kind of way, he loved it.

He must have loved it, mustn’t he, in that love-hate sort of way? Otherwise why would he give it headspace for so many years? Why would anyone?

He didn’t love it enough to hold onto it, once the reality was pointed out to him. In fact, he was delighted to say goodbye to it.

That was a couple of days ago.

Today he called me up to say that ‘something must have shifted’ since we worked together. Two new clients have appeared out of the blue.

Matt’s feeling better.

Positively dancing for joy.

He’s learned something. He’s learned that when you wear the right size boots, you’re far less likely to take a fall.

He’s learned that legitimate pride in your achievement goes before… ongoing success and satisfaction.

Now there’s a lesson.

Next time you take a look at your footwear, hold that thought.

Until next time,

Warmly,

Annie