Have you noticed how some people will ask you to do something and you tell them "no," you can't do that on that day. And then they ask you again and again...and again. Sound familiar? It probably does, if you are dealing with controlling people.
It's as though--in their mind--if they keep asking, eventually they will get the answer they desire. And, in a weak moment, you may even give it to them just to stop "the asking."
Read Dr. King's entire article Eliminating Controlling People - Ask Me Until You Wear Me Down
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., our official Abusive Relationships Expert
As a marriage and family therapist for over thirty five years I have been on a learning curve with my clients. Early in my career, I could not fathom why some couples thrived in marriage therapy and others dropped out. I was shocked by the severity of some of the problems of those who thrived including divorce papers, affairs, financial problems and family tragedies. In contrast, couples who dropped out seemed to have fewer external problems and yet could not stay the course. Over time, I learned several important differences.
Read Dr. Miles' entire article Lessons Learned From Couples Who Flourished in Marriage Therapy
Dr. Linda Miles, our official Marriage & Family Therapist Expert
"I know what's best for you...better than you do." Sound familiar?
If you are in an intimate relationship that has emotional psychological abuse, you know this message, whether delivered directly or indirectly. The message says, "You need to trust my wisdom--over your own--regarding issues specific to you."
Now, when you are living in an abusive relationship, you even come to recognize the subtle reinforcement "routine" employed to help you buy into this propaganda. You might observe reprimand or the withholding of something you desire when you resist the other person's conclusions/recommendations. And conversely, you are showered with positive "reinforcers" when you yield to the believe system.
Read Dr. King's entire article Emotional Psychological Abuse: Who Knows What's Best for You?
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., our official Abusive Relationships Expert
"When I speak my pain and you give me your pain or your excuse to have pained me, I hurt the same...and sometimes more." Sound familiar?
When domestic violence victims rally up the nerve to voice their inner ache with the person that has violated them, many things can happen. They can be heard or not heard, by the other and by themselves.
Giving Voice to Your Hurt
Let's look at what happens when they are not heard by the person they feel has hurt them. Imagine this: You bring up and out an incident that you have been struggling with for weeks, months or years.
Read Dr. King's entire article Relationship Conflict - Empathy and Healing Abuse in Controlling Relationships
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., our official Abusive Relationships Expert
Guest blog by Tracey Jones of TremendousLifeBooks.com
Relationships are vital in all aspects of our lives—especially at work. Making these business associations strong and healthy is of the utmost important to our financial and personal happiness. Let’s talk for a minute about how to make these mutually beneficial to you and your employer or clients.
There is a marvelous quotation from Elbert Hubbard, author of As A Man Thinketh, that goes like this:
“If you work for a man, for God’s sake, work for him. If he pays you your bread and butter, think well of him; speak well of him.”
Dogs have this all figured out. My dog, Mr. Blue, who wrote a book about leadership titled True Blue Leadership: Top 10 Tricks of the Chief Motivational Hound, knows and understands this well. Mr. Blue says,
“Personally, I have never been able to grasp where ‘biting the hand that feeds you’ even originated. I may lick, nudge, drool on, lie on, and worship the hand that fees me, but I would never dream of biting it!! Do humans really do this awful thing? Trying to comprehend it makes me turn my head sideways; ruff said!”
Dogs understand where their substance comes from. Why do we humans have such a hard time with it? If you are drawing a paycheck, at the very minimum perform the tasks you are getting paid for without back biting or complaining. If you’re a business owner and are paid to serve your clients—serve them without gossip or complaint. Fill their needs, solve their problems, but don’t discuss with others what you see as their weaknesses or flaws.
Mr. Blue continues on this thought: “Call me simple but not only is the hand the source
of nourishment for a domesticated dog such as myself, but it is un-doglike to betray in any form one who is currently giving me anything which I am accepting.”
Make your work relationships great by giving your employer and/or clients your very best, always.
For an interview with Mr. Blue, Tracey Jones, or for more information about True Blue Leadership: Top 10 Tricks of the Chief Motivational Hound, see www.tremendouslifebooks.com or call 800-233-2665
Over forty years as a marriage and family therapist, I have had the privilege of learning from my clients. I have had the opportunity to observe and study what makes lasting love. The below list identifies the kind of vows and commitment statements that lead to happy and lasting unions.
* We will provide safety to be honest and true to ourselves
* We will choose love instead of fear and attack thoughts
* We will treasure our connection and maintain an open heart to one another
* We will treasure our children and grandchildren
* We will be there when our family needs us
Read Dr. Miles' entire article Relationship Vows
Dr. Linda Miles, our official Marriage & Family Therapist Expert
Have you ever noticed how controlling people enjoy using money to control their loved ones? It's as though they like the roll of "dolling out the cash," all awhile knowing how it inspires financial dependency.
And those on the receiving end both love and hate it. They like their access to money dolled out, but hate the "waiting" period just before the allowance is due. They don't like the vulnerability that they experience in themselves, knowing that their access to funds is truly out of their hands.
The Lessons Learned through Financial Dependency
Now the irony here in relationships characterized by this dynamic of financial dependency is that neither party is really happy. The financially dependent person suffers from their lack of autonomy and self-sufficiency.
Read Dr. King's entire article Controlling Spouse and Financial Empowerment - Access vs. Control
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., our official Abusive Relationships Expert
On a piece of paper, in a notebook or in your journal answer the following series of questions. Do this to learn about yourself and your relationship, but you can also suggest that your partner do the same. You can do this on a yearly basis, say January 1st every year.
Exercise Number 1
Do you recall the beginning of your relationship, when you first fell in love?
Describe your behavior.
Read Dr. Miles entire article Relationship Exercises for Couples
Dr. Linda Miles, our official Marriage & Family Therapist Expert
When you are the friend of someone in an abusive relationship, stop and hold reverence for the blessing that you are. Why? You are the best person to help; that is, until you can get her/him to professional help.
We find when friends of domestic abuse survivors reach out on their friend's behalf, they are in the best position to create a positive outcome for the person being abused.
First of all, friends that still have access to domestic abuse survivors have the best leveraging ability . . . certainly more leveraging than parents of the abused.
Read Dr. King's entire article Friend's Abusive Relationship - How You Can Help Your Friend in an Abusive Relationship
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., our official Abusive Relationships Expert
Returning home loaded with bags of groceries, Suzanne winced as she walked in and heard all three of her children quarreling at the top of their lungs. Suzanne, instantly angry, yelled, "Why can't you kids go one hour without fighting? You don't deserve what I do for you! Go to your rooms - NOW!"
As she set the groceries down, Suzanne knew she hadn't handled that well, but didn't know what to do about it, and wasn't in the mood to fix it anyway.
Parenting is tricky business. Even on our best days we wonder if we're "doing it right."
Read Paula's entire article Six Solutions for Practically Perfect Parenting
Paula Fellingham, our official Strengthening Women and Families Expert