Breast Cancer For Husbands.com

You and Your Infinite Sources of Strength

2009-03-09T22:40:46-06:00

I haven’t blogged in quite a while. My wife is cancer free and we’re both wanting life to get back to “normal”. I’m not sure there is a normal, it just comes down to whatever you decide you’re shooting for. Recovery from cancer and chemo for both you and your wife can take a while – it sort of has it’s own process each of you goes through, both together, and on your own. I remember discovering that I held most of my stresses inside, only to feel their effects after beating breast cancer. Funny the things you’d never expect to learn about yourself and your partner, but I suppose learnings like these are something everyone experiences during some tough times. They actually are a blessing in some ways because you discover new things about each other and yourself.

My outlook these days is very bright and optimistic. My wife is healthy with no cancer. Not every husband gets to say that, and I’m thankful to God that I’m so lucky. Even in these troubled economic times, I have a sense of enjoying the good things. I’m doing work I enjoy and it seems like every time there’s some new piece of bad news on TV, I make a new connection, meet someone interesting, or get an inquiry about work. Social networking, like this blog, my other blogs, facebook and twitter seem to bring about interesting things. I’ve always been a person who connects stuff together… pieces of ideas, things I observe, capabilities people show about themselves or ideas, things I can be a part of creating, etc. And I’ve come to marvel in how so many things are intertwined, how connected everything is. That’s what I like about the social media and product work that I do for my company and clients.

Last week I was contacted by a breast cancer husband whose wife has had her cancer return after four years. I won’t use their real names as I don’t have their permission. The husband contacted me after coming across the Breast Cancer For Husbands blog. Apparently he did a little Googling or checked out my other blogs and discovered we have a lot in common, including our mutual interests in music and contemporary worship, similar families and closeness in age. The “security guy” in me says ‘is this for real?’ and the connections part of me says, ‘ah, enjoy the serendipity’.

The breast cancer husband and I traded some bible verses, and he also shard a poem someone brought to them. I don’t know the source of the poem, so I can’t credit it properly but I hope the author doesn’t mind me sharing it with you. Whether you are “religious” or “spiritual”, or just believe in some kind of higher power, I hope this poem offers something for you.

God is in every tomorrow,
Therefore I live for today,
Certain of finding at sunrise,
Guidance and strength for my way;

Power for each moment of weakness,
Hope for each moment of pain,
Comfort for every sorrow,
Sunshine and joy after rain.

I shared with my new breast cancer husband friend a verse I find strengthening and inspiring.

Hebrews 4:16, "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

We all find sources of strength and comfort in ways that work for each of us. It may be a book, a song, a bible verse, torah or other religious scripture. Strength can be found in someone’s story of their battle with an illness. A friend of ours was so inspired by my wife’s attitude and approach to taking on breast cancer, he wrote a song called Beautiful Day (which I had the pleasure of recording the guitar part on the CD). You can find Beautiful Day on iTunes if you like. (All proceeds go to charitable organizations.) Family can of course also be a major source of strength when they are on board as part of your “support team”.

Ultimately though, I think it comes down to one thing. At least it does for me. A while back, before all the breast cancer business in our lives, I came to the realization that you are what you think. What you chose to fill your head with determines how you view things, events, challenges, and life. Since then I’ve come to learn I’m not the only person on the planet who has this similar notion, so I guess that’s some form of validation, though I don’t think I needed it (but appreciate the validation.) If you think you’re a victim, you are. If you think you’re happy, you are. If you think your going to beat the cancer, you will. I can’t say with certainty that every person who believed in their heart that they’d beat cancer, did, but I’m pretty certain most everyone who was convinced they’d die of cancer did, and probably accelerated the process by believing that.

This idea may sound overly simplistic, but even if it does, allow yourself to try it. Believe the chemo treatments are working. Believe you have the strength to endure the battle. Believe you’ll do whatever needs to be done to support and love your wife. Your sources of strength to battle breast cancer with your wife are infinite so reach out and tap into them but know that it’s ultimately what’s inside you that counts. So try it. I believe this you are what you think idea will have a positive effect for you. (See, there I go applying it myself! lol)

I hope you’ll join me in sending a prayer for strength, support, love and great caring to this new breast cancer husband friend and his wife. Say a prayer, offer best wishes, think good thoughts, read a bible verse of poem for them, or send them some positive karma. I believe that stuff works. Knowing others are offering something from themselves to share with you as their support, even if they don’t know you, is a source of strength in and of itself.

My prayers for you.

You May Bring Strength To Others

2009-01-27T00:31:36-07:00

Today I did a podcast interview about www.breastcancerforhusbands.com with Stacey Martello of the Fight Pink breast cancer site. (I’ll post when the interview is up on Stacey’s site.) Stacey is a great interviewer and her questions made for an easy interview from my perspective. It wasn’t all a cakewalk though. Probably the most difficult question was “what have I learned as a result of being a breast cancer husband?” That was a hard question not because I couldn’t think of anything but because there are so many things I’ve learned, including many I didn’t expect to learn.

Learning the best ways to support my wife, how I deal with stresses from a health battle, the ups and downs, the pressures of waiting for PET scan results, our health care system, insurance companies… plus all the things that come with supporting and comforting your family while I battled cancer together with my wife. We’ve also been fortunate to be on the receiving end of good news from multiple clear PET scans… we’ve been blessed in many ways.

One of the things I didn’t expect to learn is how both of us have served as a source of strength for others. While I’ve been focused on supporting and caring for my wife, and trying to make time to take care of myself, I didn’t really pay attention to how our experience impacted others around us. As time goes on that impact becomes more and more apparent.

Both my wife and I are very involved in our church community and we have some very close friends. I lead the contemporary worship band at our church, which she also sings with, and we make sure my wife is on the prayer list whenever it's needed, so most people in our community know about our battle against breast cancer. Both our close friends and folks who know us from worship will stop to talk, ask how my wife’s doing, and say something about how our struggle has effected them.

Often the comments are about how we in some way have been a source of strength to them. It could be how we deal with it openly with family and our church community. It may be how we’ve carried on with our lives. It may be the strength of our faith. It may be our positive attitudes and how we chose to live life. I never know what someone might say because their experience is unique to them.

I believe in the idea “you are what you think”… that the mind-body-spiritual connection is just as important, even more important, than any medical treatments. That belief, that faith, is something I think other picks up on pretty strongly. Sure I wonder, have doubts and questions, but I don’t let those overtake my belief in a cancer free outcome. My wife is cancer free today and I know our faith, positive attitude and our beliefs are a huge part of that.

If you are battling cancer, know that one way others care for you is to appreciate how you deal with that battle. That’s one of their ways of being connected to you, by observing the good and bad of the struggle. So, even though you may not set out to strengthen others, that may in fact happen. Just remember that showing your weakness and vulnerability with a health care struggle also connects others with you, so they can bring their strength to you when you need it.

I’m not sure if that’s payback or paying it forward. That’s kind of a chicken-and-egg dilemma. Either way, it’s how people connect with you and vise versa.

Cancer Drugs - What's Old Is New, And More Expensive

2008-12-01T22:39:42-07:00

While talking with an oncologist I was asking about the new drug Reclast being offered to help with bone loss patients. It's being promoted as a once a year treatment alternative to other drugs that are administered monthly or even more frequently. The one I'm familiar with is Zometa, commonly using with cancer that's moved into the bones. He laughed and said he interfaces with Medicare about treatment options and they are not paying for Reclast. The reason? Reclast and Zometa (and Aclasta, btw) are exactly the same drug, Zoledronic acid, just repackaged under a different brand and prescribed once a year for osteoporosis. Oh... and the price for Reclast is much higher too.

So what do you get for the more expensive version of the same drug? Different branding, packaging, different web sites, additional studies, FDA approvals, miles of paperwork, and lots of TV commercials and magazine ads touting a new drug... all so osteoporosis patients can get the exact same drug, less frequently, at a higher price.

It shows you just how utterly ridiculous and out of control our health care and drug company systems are. And we wonder why our health care costs and health insurance premiums are skyrocketing out of site.

Fighting Another Terrible Disease; HIV AIDS

2008-12-01T21:49:17-07:00

Today, December 1st, is World AIDS Day 2008, a day dedicated to increasing awareness of the disease. To do my little part in creating awareness, I made a video using some of the statistics available and some footage from a non-profit that helps orphaned children, Global Hope. I would appreciate it if you would take a moment to watch the video.

Living How We Want To Live

2008-12-01T21:36:17-07:00

Blogging about our breast cancer battle takes a great deal out of me. Writing about it is therapeutic but also emotional, and can be draining. Even when there's good news to tell. That's why I've been away from the BCFH blog for a while. I just needed to give it a rest. I've had a few people email me and ask 'what happened, where've you been?', 'did I say something that offended you?', and 'will you still write about your experiences?' and while I apologize for not sharing much recently, I've just been investing that time in my wife, family, my businesses, my music and ... myself.

But that doesn't mean I've given up or I'm quit BCFH. On the contrary. I've only just been taking a break. Tonight I'm writing about some very good news we received a few week's ago. My wife has successfully beat breast cancer again! Third time. Here PET scan came out clear. Praise God for the healing we've received and the love, prayers and support from so many people. That doesn't mean the fight is over. We're continuing on the treatment plan to finish out the chemo regiment. We're also investing in my healthly lifestyles and living life how we want to live. Sure, I'd prefer living without any breast cancer but it's recent precense isn't going to deter us from enjoying our lives and sharing it with those around us.

This summer we celebrated the birth of our first grandchild, Jonas. He's now 4 months old and as cute as a pistol. Someone told me, "If I'd have known how much fun grandkids were, I would have had them first!" It's great to see the next generation unfold within the family and he's a special little guy. He's another reason, another experience, that's teaching me just to live life and enjoy it. My wife's girlfriend and our daughter threw my wife a Grandma Shower, the grandmother equivalent of a baby shower, to introduce Jonas to our friends and to celebrate the blessings in our lives. It was a surprise event, which is no small feet given how hard it is to keep a secret from my wife. The event was a smashing success and I appreciate everything that Carol and Erica put into it. That's been another special moment we've been able to experience recently

You do what you need to do to fight the breast cancer battle, endure the treatments, live life together, find special things to enjoy, and love your partner as you go through the treatments. I'm a very hopeful person and I believe in the possibilities in life. I hear news stories, what seems like all the time, about the search for signs of life on Mars (by finding water, for example), or finding bacteria in hostile areas of the earth where we didn't previously believe life could survive. It keeps striking me that life works pretty darn hard to survive, and if that's the case, all of us have a pretty big opportunity at beating cancer. And just like they say that elite athletes concentrate on the mental aspects of their sports, we can concentrate on the mental aspects of fighting and winning against cancer. Is it purely mind over cancer? I think your mental attitude is what tips the scales one direction or another, and gives you that added competitive advantage to win.

If I don't write on this blog every day or even every week, it's not that I've given up or don't want to share. Sometimes that energy has to be put into other things, living life things. A big part of it is keeping myself mentally healthy, which can be done through the blog and by being away from it. That changes from time to time. Through it all, I thank you for the journey we've shared so far and the times we'll have again as life moves on.

Our Visit To Relay For Life

2008-09-07T00:45:13-06:00

At lunch today, my wife and I grabbed a burger and panini sandwich at DQ and took our food, two dogs and folding chars to EB Rains park in Northglenn, CO, not too far from our house. EB Rains park has a nice small lake, Webster Lake, with ducks, paddle boats and lots of families enjoying the outdoor picnic areas and playground. When we piled out of the truck, with chairs, dogs and food in tow, we quickly realized this weekend was the American Cancer Society Relay For Life event at the park. First we encountered walkers who were walking the path around Webster Lake. Then the many banners and signs about local businesses who were supporting he event. Then the booths, followed by tents where the relay teams were staying the weekend. It was quite a site.

We set up our impromptu picnic lunch next to the lake's edge and mowed down some chow. It had been a while since I've had a DQ "braiser" burger, and they are a lot smaller than I remember. After eating our lunch, we walk around and visited the booths to get some info about the event. The main booth immediately gave my wife a Survivor t-shirt to sport around.

A couple of things struck me about the event. First, the community of relay teams and the community of the event overall. People knew each other, were walking for each other and their families, and were there to be with each other. They were there to be together, to be a community of supporters and friends. The second thing that struck me were the local businesses and groups involved, everything from "joe" chiropractor to Outback Steakhouse. You could tell there are some dedicated people organizing the relay just like the dedicated people walking.

We bought tickets to come back during the evening. When we showed up (without dogs and food this time), Outback, Chick-fil-A and Fagilo's gave us a plate full of food and some iced tea for five bucks each. We plopped down in our folding chairs in front of the local band entertaining us on stage with Frank Sanatra, swing band and 50's music. We were a little tired and couldn't stay for the luminaries part of the celebration that happened after dark, but we enjoyed a nice day and a nice evening. Thanks to everyone at that Relay For Life event. It lifted our spirits to be able to be a very small part of it. Maybe we'll be more involved in it someway next time around.

Our Health Care System Must Be Fixed

2008-09-06T23:49:12-06:00

When you or a family member is thrust into any kind of a health battle, you quickly learn the goods and bads of our country's health care system. Breast cancer certainly classifies as a major health battle as probably many of you who read this blog know. My wife and I've had the good fortune, or should I say lucky timing, to have some new drugs emerge just about the time of her first diagnosis, which she responded to very well. It's no doubt that we have the best medical research in this country, but it seems to me there is more to what we can do as citizens besides raising money for cancer through events like Friday night's Stand Up To Cancer TV telethon. I was hoping this event was something more than just a star studded fund raiser, but it turned out to be only that. Raising money for more support, advocacy and research is important but we clearly need more federal support for cancer research and cures. Improving health care, fixing the broken health insurance system and increasing cancer research are top issues for me personally in this election year.

As good as our medical research can be, the health insurance side of the equation is drastically broken in my view. I think I've seen both the good side and (hopefully all I'll see of) the bad side -- at least I hope it doesn't get worse. When we first started down the road to beat breast cancer, our insurance company footed the bill (thanks to payments by me and my employer, plus that good 'ol annual deductible) and presented very little problems for us. They even paid for Avastin which wasn't FDA approved for use in breast cancer patients at the time. We were surprised but of course very pleased.

Fighting a disease like breast cancer changes, or at least heightens, your views about health insurance. Suddenly all those things about deductibles, total out of pocket expenses, covered services, high deductible plans, health savings accounts and plan changes by your employer become much more important topics to you. You also become very concerned about problems like gaps in insurance coverage should you change jobs or go on COBRA in between company health care plans. I'm not sure what people did before our country had COBRA. AARP started an ad campaign that 1.85 million American's go bankrupt due to medical bills in one year. I was shocked when I heard that number on an ad during Democratic National Convention coverage. (There's more information at http://www.aarp.org/issues/dividedwefail)

If working though the battle against breast cancer isn't enough to take on, piling on with insurance company problems only compounds the difficulties. What I've found is that as soon as the insurance companies find an excuse not to pay, they exploit it. Then you are into the chain of phone calls, faxing info, multiple follow ups, etc., to try and get it all straightened out. It's disheartening to realize you are an expense to be managed, and minimized, by the insurance company as your costs directly affect their bottom line. Then there's the whole game of the doctor's overpricing their services to try and get the insurance companies to raise their covered amount for the service. It's just an unending, escalating rate race.

The pharmaceutical side of the equitation is no better. Drug advertising for one has completely screwed things up. If the drug you are prescribed is advertised on TV, you are virtually guaranteed it's over priced at the pharmacy and your portion of the drug cost will be high, sometimes in the hundreds of dollars per month range. Those drugs and others don't always have a generic brand so the consumer is stuck paying the difference. I'm sure there are many who just can't afford to shell out that kind of dough each month and just go without the drugs they need. And we all know the stories about the same drugs being cheaper across the border in Canada or Mexico... for the exact same drug.

It's amazing how oblivious I was to how badly our health insurance system functions until entering the fray with breast cancer. I know none of us wants government waste or a bureaucrat dictating procedures to our doctors, but we clearly need health insurance that isn't limited by who your employer is and patients aren't subject to an accountant's decision (a bureaucrat with a cost ceiling) about paying doctors claims or not. Healthcare is bigger than what market dynamics can manage or will solve. Our health care system must be fixed.

Chemo Is Like The Secret To Learning To Fly

2008-08-23T02:49:58-06:00

Even though this isn't our first trip to the chemo rodeo, I'm still not used to all of the effects chemo treatments hammers on my wife. On the plus side (yes, there's actually a plus side if you chose to look at it that way), chemo means also getting infused with steroids, something they give with different chemo treatments to lessen the body's reaction to a pretty objectionable class of drugs. The day of and usually a day or two after means a significant amount of added energy for my wife. It's kind of a physical and mental upper, allowing her to get projects done she just didn't feel up to starting or finishing previously. I like to say, "make sure it's a 3 day or less project, hun" so she doesn't run out of energy before getting the project complete. My wife works amazingly hard under normal conditions. Pump steroids into her and she looks like Ben Johnson racing around the track at a superhuman pace faster than everyone else.

But there's of course the down side too. My friend Dan recently asked me to describe chemo. I used a quote from the book So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish (from the Hitchhiker Guide To The Gallery fame.) In that book someone (I forget who) asks what the secret to learning to fly is, and the answer that came back was something like, "try to throw yourself against the ground as hard as you can... and miss." That's chemo.

Chemo drugs in general disrupt cell division during the metabolic process. Different chemos disrupt cells at different points in the process. The only problem is it disrupts all cells in the body, killing good and cancerous cells. My wife describes it as "feeling like I'm being poisoned" and there's a whole lot of truth to that. Just enough poison such that the treatment doesn't kill the patient.

So you can imaging the downsides. Yes, there's hair loss (a relatively low severity issues given how sexy my wife looks bald), nausea (though that hasn't been bad for her at all), and a big drop in the immunity system's ability to fight infection. I think the worst of these is how it robs my wife of her energy, the fuels that let her live life to its fullest, doing the things she enjoys most. And who knows what longer term damage occur from the chemo. That's something you just can't find any answers to and you still probably wouldn't have a choice other than to not do any treatment at all.

Each chemo treatment's effect is cumulative, making you more tired, etc. It's also hard to tell day-to-day, and often, minute-to-minute how she'll be feeling from the chemo treatments. One of the thing's I've had to adjust to being totally flexible. Plans to go to a movie might get nixed 5 minutes before you head out the door. Or a trip down the street might turn into a solo trip, or a run to get dinner. Trips out of town, or things that require a reservation, are most often what's in jeopardy. You just have to be ready to change plans, and sometimes postpone things until a later time or another day/weekend.

I guess the most important thing to remember is that it's not you or your wife, it's the impact of the chemo. None of us want to sit through a movie or go out when staying at home on the coach feels bad enough. Just remember not to be too tied to your plans, be flexible, and most importantly, remember to tell your wife you love her. Changing plans is part of loving her.

Blog Shoutout: Our Life With Breast Cancer

2008-08-23T00:59:00-06:00

I've been trolling through my junkemail folder (worth doing once in a while, btw) and I'm finding I've had some emails I've missed about the BCFH blog. John R emailed me about his blog, Our Life With Cancer. John and wife Linda started their fight in December 2007, and John decided to catch up on events and create a blog about their experiences in his Our Life With Breast Cancer blog.

Honestly, John is much more open about the details of their experiences and I applaud him for his courage (and Linda's too) for sharing so much. I also like John's style in how he writes. He's pretty blunt and I appreciate that. Here's an excerpt about having a wife with a bald head. I laughed at several different times while reading these couple of paragraphs. From John's blog...

Some people just stare like there is a neon-light on your head saying "I have cancer". One evening we took the kids to Gattiland, an all you can eat pizza place with arcade. As we were eating, a couple sat down next to us and began to eat. He looked over at Linda, whispered something to his wife, she looked over, then they got up and changed seats. Are you fucking kidding me? Hey jackass, you can't catch cancer! For one moment, I wished cancer was contagious because I would have had Linda get up and give that bastard a bear-hug.

In support of Linda's follicly challenged head, some of her girlfriends joined the Sinead O'Connor tribute for a day. Many people wonder what they would look like bald. My genetics predisposed me to some cro-magnon-like appendage on the back of my skull that I like to refer to as the "bottle-opener". Turns out Linda has a very nice melon. Smooth and round. A childhood accident has carved an "L" scar on the back of her head which was hidden for 30+ years. It will soon be covered again with wavy brown hair but for now it serves as a nice monogram.

I'm not sure my wife would appreciate me calling her head a nice melon but I did complement her about how cute she is being bald and how much I like to rub and kiss her head.

No doubt that John's blog is going up on the BCFH blogroll and then both are added to our prayers and to the BCFH prayer list. Blessings to both of you, John and Linda. I haven't met you but I can tell I'd like you both a lot.

Creating a Site To Communicate During An Illness

2008-08-22T23:28:15-06:00

This blog for me is about speaking to the battle against breast cancer from a husband's perspective. It hope it will become the site I wish I could have found when my wife was first diagnosed with breast cancer. It's not about documenting every diagnosis, treatment, or day-in-the-life of my wife's illness as that's something more private for us and between family and friends. That said, we do have a need to communicate with our close ones about how my wife is doing, news from the doctors or tests performed, and just how she's doing overall. For those needs, there is a place to create that kind of online presence.

My good friend Dan DeGolier (an excellent entrepreneurial CFO, btw) told me about a site and non-profit 501(c) organization called Caring Bridge (www.caringbridge.org). Caring Bridge lets you create a orivate site, similar to a blog, where you can inform family members and close ones about details of your battle with any type of health crisis (it's not limited to cancer, or breast cancer.) Caring Bridge provides more private access by requiring visitors to register, and use a password.

If this is something you are interested in, check it out. I don't know if it's something we'll do or use (though I'm letting my wife know about it.) I haven't done extensive research or checking into the site to give you much more detail beyond what I've posted here, so you'll need to do that on your own and decide if this is something you want to use.