The Mom and Pop Culture Shop

John and Mimi, A Free Marriage

2008-02-10T00:11:00-08:00

My book report today is on John and Mimi, A Free Marriage.

John and Mimi, A Free Marriage is about John and Mimi's marriage, which is free. Some chapters are written by Mimi. Other chapters are written by John. Sometimes John has sex with the dinner guests, other times Mimi "gets it on" during an orgy while John looks on and smiles. Free sex for everyone, man. This book made me feel a little icky.

This book was written in 1972, in case you couldn't tell from Mimi's haircut or lack of shirt.

Christmas in Appalachia

2007-12-04T12:35:00-08:00

We just took out the Christmas decorations yesterday and found this old chestnut. It still invokes terror in some and warm fuzzies in others.

Remember when you were a kid and you read the Little House on the Prairie books that told about how Ma made Laura a rag doll for Christmas and how wonderful and heartwarming that sounded? And remember when you actually saw a home-made rag doll for the first time, you were shocked to learn that rag dolls actually resemble evil court jesters?

I bought this doll at (surprise) the thrift store. I personally consider it a beautiful piece of folk art and marvel and the luscious silk velvet, faded taffeta and cotton hosiery material of yesteryear, while my boyfriend thinks it looks like something straight out of a horror movie and throws it across the room any time it gets anywhere near him. Vive la difference! It just goes to show you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and what is art to one is a creepy evil court jester to another.

Golden Retrievers

2006-05-18T10:52:50-07:00

Title: Two Little Doggies
Medium: Oil on canvas
Artist: Mary Wilson Gaw

Another dog painting of two golden retrievers! It's getting harder and harder to find naive art at my thrift stores. When I do get lucky and find something as interesting as this painting, the price is too high and it makes me mad because I know that I am the only person who would have bought this painting for six dollars and ninety nine cents! But buy it, I did. Because I was obliged to show it to y'all.

So, enjoy it! (All y'all.)

Obscure Clunky Rock Lyric

2006-03-02T13:45:56-08:00

Hey, gang, ready for a new game? It's called "Obscure Clunky Rock Lyric" and your job is to identify the artist and the song. All of the lyrics below are from popular rock/pop songs, and it's a wonder nobody said, "Are you sure you want to use the word 'moot' in your potentially number one pop hit?"

First one to get them all right wins something. No fair cheating! Extra points for adding some new clunkers.

1. "My love for you is immeasurable, my respect for you immense..."

2. "The albatross and the whales, they are my brothers..."

3. "Snot is running down his nose..."

4. "She's loving him with that body I just know it..."

5. "It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Aw, it's you..."

6. "I just gotta get loose with you tonight..."

7. "I said, 'Get some sleep and dream of rock'n'roll.."

8. "She's been around, but she's young and clean..."

9. "I wanna tell her that I love her but the point is probly moot..."

10. "Girl, you got me thirsting for another cup of wine...""

11. "And the big-bosomed lady with the Dutch accent who tried to change my point of view.."

12. "And they shimmied; Sam is so skinny..."

13. "Time keeps flowing like a river to the sea..."

14, "You go strolling through the crowd like Peter Lorre contemplating a crime."

15. "You're like a sledgehammer, baby; sleeping all the time..."

16. "Only time will tell if we stand the test of time..."

17. "Are you hot momma? You sure look that way to me."

18. "Get out, I'm telling you now. Do you catch my drift, what could be plainer than this?"

19. "Young girl, get out of my life. My love for you is way out of line."

20. "You ask me if I love you, and I choke on my reply..."

21. "In this ever-changing world in which we live in..."

God Gave Rock and Roll to You

2006-02-27T18:19:16-08:00

I bought this single truly hoping it would a rock and roll record, perhaps the answer song to KISS' "God Gave Rock and Roll to You," but no, it's the Rev. and Mrs. Jerry Jerkins (their real names) talking about how we need more of Jesus and less rock and roll.
I think the Rev. and the Mrs. need more, say, sexual intercourse and less access, say, to recording studios. That aside, did they think they were putting one over on the teens in the congregation by recording a '45? I wonder if they had a youth group party with Cokes in the church rec-room when they released it. Yeesh. How incredibly depressing.

From the Gospel According to Paul (Stanley) I leave you with this:
"I know life sometimes can get tough! And I know life sometimes can be a drag!
But people, we have been given a gift, we have been given a road
And that road’s name is... rock and roll!
God gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to you, put it in the so-oul of everyone!"

Designer Jeans of the Country and Western Stars

2006-01-27T02:13:00-08:00

Designer jeans were a silly little fad of the '80s; fashion designers, accustomed to designing clothes for debutantes were suddenly slapping their names on the asses of the masses, in (gasp) denim! All of the great fashion moguls had lines of jeans: Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, Versace...and of course, Willie Nelson and Jerry Reed.

"Willie Nelson is known for his clean lines and bold colors while Jerry Reed prefers muted tones with whimsical patterns. Both are showing jeans this fall that work equally well in the boardroom or at the discotheque." –Vogue, 1982

First of all, what a weird concept. Both Willie and Jerry were regular guys; country boys, first and foremost. Designer jeans were for city boys and designing jeans was best left to women, or to city boys, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. So, who was the jeanius who came up with this marketing ploy? And second of all, who wants to walk around with loaded up and trucking written on their ass?

2005-10-31T10:28:05-08:00

May I present Gizmo, Pokey and Scruffy by Connie Sinclair, STaerkel and Dolores Young? They are all beloved doggies whose portraits wound up at the proverbial dog pound of bad art, The Salvation Army. Thank you.

Gizmo's name is on the back of her portrait, but the lady at the thrift store who rung up the purchase said that she used to have a dog just like that, but her name was Muffin. I don't know if she wore pearls. Or if she was day-glo.

Pokey is framed impressively on a gilt and black velvet frame. I call the dog in the painting Pokey because my nephew had one of that kind of dog, whatever it is, and named it Pokey. It was atrociously ugly and wanted to sit on my lap all the time. His eyes seemed like they would pop out of his head at any time and it was sort of like letting a bullfrog sit on your lap, but you got used to it and almost believed the dog to be cute by the end of the whole lap-sitting ordeal.

Scruffy just looks like a Scruffy.

Clown in 3-D!

2005-10-08T14:40:06-07:00

Title: Soft and Fuzzy Clown
Artist: Or, a lack thereof.
Medium: Fuzzballs and plastic face glued to yellow cardboard. And wire.

Look, honey! I made something for the baby's room!

I wonder if the baby is the one who smashed in this clown's face. I've said it before, but nobody thinks clowns are cute anymore. Everyone is creeped out by them now. But, there once was a time when people liked clowns and thought they looked happy and I daresay, funny. Funny "ha-ha," not funny "does this milk taste funny?" And so, many a child's room of yesteryear was decorated with stuff like this. Goodnight, baby. Sleep tight.

Rap Snacks

2005-10-05T13:09:43-07:00

Things that the young white kids to whom this product is marketed will find wrong with RAP SNACKS:

The slogan, "Can you rap and snack at the same time?" Can you talk with your mouth full? Then, yes, probably.
The slogan, "Education is knowledge." Um, first of all, duh; but second of all, the cooler you try to make education sound to kids, the more it's going to backfire on you.
MC Potato; What, was LL Cool Ranch taken? How about Ranch Flavor Flave?
NO MSG: trust me; if you're eating rap flavored chips, you probably don't care.
The incredibly amorphic, asexual and aracial blob of a graphic that is spinnin' the discs.

Let me know if you think of any more!

Bo Duke Sings!

2005-10-04T10:04:53-07:00

I can't think of a more appropriate name for John Schneider's brilliantly titled album Too Good to Stop Now. Except, of course, Shit Sandwich, but that must have been taken already by someone looking to cash in on a gratuitous Spinal Tap reference.

The Dukes of Hazzard was a mightly popular show, and the country music tie-in for the record execs must have been irresistable, so we can't really blame them for trying to earn a dollar, now can we?

Cooter, from the original Dukes of Hazzard show, now has a museum up by the Opry Mills Mall in Nashville; after his political career he's still trying to cash in. Apparently, he was miffed that they didn't want him for the movie.

Pat, the bunny

2005-09-29T01:18:42-07:00

Title: Pat, the bunny
Artist: Pat's Mom
Medium: acrylic on artboard

You know what I'd really like? A painting of a bunny. I think I'll commission an artist to do one and then hang it in the foyer so that all my guests will know how cultured I am.

This is the worst subject matter, ever, for a portrait.

Putty Twat

2005-09-27T21:01:04-07:00

You would not believe how fast I ripped this off the bulletin board at my local Shoney's, where mullets still rule. At Shoney's they give the kids crayons to draw things, but several adults had to have seen this before it got up there on the bulletin board.

Home On The Range

2005-09-27T13:34:27-07:00

Title: Home at the Ranch Style House
Artist: JoGuffey
Medium: Bourgeois on canvas

I am convinced that the best rockers come from the most middle class backgrounds. It's all about having something against which to rebel. The kid is looking at the sheet music to Home On the Range, and playing the 1967 equivalent of an Esteban guitar, according to the painting. I can almost guarantee that he a) wishes he had an electric guitar and b) wishes he had the sheet music to Smoke on the Water instead. And also that his Mom did not insist on painting such a queer picture in the first place. Jeesh!

My Lover in a Butterfly Chair

2005-09-21T12:43:40-07:00

Title: My Lover in a Butterfly Chair
Artist: Jopaco
Medium: Pastel on paper

Remember the 70s, when all we did was lie around in our butterfly chairs while our lovers sketched us au naturel? And do you also remember how hard it was to maintain that au naturel feathered-back hair and moustache look after a particularly vigorous roller-disco session?

I think Jopaco captured those feelings particularly well in this painting.

A long time ago when the earth was green...

2005-09-19T16:59:04-07:00

Title: The Unicorn
Artist: J. Abernathy 1983
Medium: Yes

What's a unicorn gotta do to get a drink around here? Seriously, it must be hard to be a majikall beaste and drink out of a shallow puddle, especially if by virtue of your mythic species you possess a certain footloose and fancy-free spirit. This must be why unicorns are "extinct." They all died of thirst.

The Thompson Brothers

2005-08-05T14:18:04-07:00

While most musicians who move to Nashville do so in hopes of getting on the Grand Ole Opry, these guys moved to Nashville in hopes of getting on Hee-Haw. Their gimmick was that they wore fur coats year-round. This outrageous bit of incongruence, sadly but surely, worked.

That's the old Country Music Hall of Fame behind them. The new one is downtown and really high-tech and fancy, but I still love the old one, especially for its Hee-Haw exhibit which featured a plastic cornfield that looked like it had been made by local fifth graders.

I don't think the new Hall of Fame has a Hee-Haw exhibit, but they do have Billy Ray Cyrus' Bum Equipment workout tank top. Now, that's what I call country. Well, that and a guy in a fur coat playing the tambourine.

Friendly Dog Salad

2005-08-04T02:17:57-07:00

In many cultures, dog is considered a delicacy and dog is so much better when served friendly. After all, nobody wants a mean dog salad.

Friendly Dog Salad comes from Betty Crocker's Cookbook for Boys and Girls. I guess the good folks at Betty Crocker think that kids will actually eat prunes if disguised as a friendly dog's ear. This cookbook also has a recipe for a cake that looks like a hamburger and a hamburger that looks like a cake, frosted with mashed potatoes. I guess these fun recipes are for fussy kids who won't eat hamburgers or cake unless cleverly disguised.

The Country Music Wax Museum Coloring Book

2005-06-01T19:34:49-07:00

The Country Music Wax Museum no longer exists, and when it closed it became a hip bar for a few minutes in time. Someone, and I can't remember who it was, recalls being in the back room of the bar for whatever drunken reason and stumbling upon a wax figure of Grandpa Jones.

When the museum closed, there were stacks of these at The Goodwill, for 29 cents each. I bought a lot, but I should have bought more. If you click on the coloring book you will open up a whole ball of wax. The artist who created the coloring book seems to have taken photos of the wax dummies and then placed tracing paper over them and drew around the outlines, with maybe their left hand.

The best one is Charlie Pride, but Grandpa Jones and Stringbean are pretty good, too. There is a really lame connect the dots on Minnie Pearl's suitcase. June Carter's face is particularly nebulous.

Have Harp Can't Travel

2005-06-01T00:08:57-07:00

If you were a little person, wouldn't you choose another instrument besides the harp? Also, didn't Billy Barty get enough work that he didn't have to take harp gigs on the side? And don't you think the other guys in the band would show a little compassion and help the harpist out?

Finally, there aren't enough people out there who perform in little tuxedos anymore.

Sliming Herb

2005-05-27T01:22:43-07:00

Say, what's this, a new product? Hmmm, what smart packaging, and such an attractive lady on the box! Let's see, what is it used for?...Oh here it is: "Indication: Sliming." Why, I like to slime!
Hey... this might be something I could use. Let me look here..."This herb is good for the overweighted person who do not want to control food consuming..." Why, that describes me to a tee!