Sacred Scarred

Catch Me

2009-04-04T23:24:39-04:00

So we're heading into Holy Week...a week that sometimes feels like Lent all compacted and compressed. For me, so much of Lent gets rehashed and realized during Holy Week. I'm looking forward to and not looking forward to our four Holy Week vigils, our Friday stations of the cross, and Resurrection Sunday (sunrise celebration and PM and potluck).

Yesterday, my friend Martha asked me about a prayer I posted a few years ago...I've been re-pondering it...here's the full prayer...I've decided to make it my Holy Week prayer.

From Ted Loder’s Guerrillas of Grace (which will be in the mail to Martha if she sends me her mailing address):

Catch me in my anxious scurrying, Lord,
and hold me in this Lenten season:
hold my feet to the fire of your grace
and make me
attentive to my mortality
that I may begin to die now
to those things that keep me
from living with you
and with my neighbors on this earth;
to grudges and indifference,
to certainties that smother possibilities,
to my fascination with false securities,
to my addiction to sweatless dreams,
to my arrogant insistence on how it has to be.
to my corrosive fear of dying someday
which eats away the wonder of living this day,
and the adventure of losing my life
in order to find it in you.

Catch me in my aimless scurrying, Lord,
and hold me in this Lenten season:
hold my heart to the beat of your grace
and create in me a resting place,
a kneeling place,
a tip-toe place
where I can recover from the dis-ease of my grandiosities
which fill my mind and calendar with busy self-importance,
that I may become vulnerable enough
to dare intimacy with the familiar,
to listen cup-eared for your summons,
and to watch squint-eyed for your crooked finger
in the crying of a child,
in the hunger of street people, in the fear of the contagion of terrorism in all people.
in the rage of those oppressed because of sex or race,
in the smoldering resentments of exploited third world nations,
in the sullen apathy of the poor and ghetto-strangled people,
in my lonely doubt and limping ambivalence;
and somehow,
during this season of sacrifice,
enable me to sacrifice time,
and possessions,
and securities,
to do something…
something about what I see,
something to turn the water of my words
into the wine of will and risk,
into the bread of blood and blisters,
into the blessedness of deed,
of a cross picked up,
a savior followed.

Catch me in my mindless scurrying, Lord,
and hold me in this Lenten season:
hold my spirit to the beacon of your grace
and grant me light enough to walk boldly,
to feel passionately,
to love aggressively;
Grant me peace enough to want more,
to work for more
and to submit to nothing less,
and to fear only you…
only you!
Bequeath me not becalmed seas,
slack sails and premature benedictions,
but breathe into me a torment,
storm enough to make within myself
and from myself,
something…

something new,
something saving,
something true,
a gladness of heart,
a pitch for a song in the storm,
a word of praise lived,
a gratitude shared,
a cross dared,
a joy received.

Neighborhood

2009-03-23T16:35:18-04:00

Lots and lots of talk recently about neighbors. I know many of my friends are excited about the training that our Circle of Hope network is providing tonight at the Broad and Washington space at 7pm - "Living as an Agent of Change in the Neighborhood" presented by one of our pastors, Bryan Robinson.

Jen and I have been feeling more and more rooted in our neighborhood...providing "mutual" territory (yes, the wife is blogging now) for a wide range of disconnected and often disgruntled people. We feel at home here and we feel like strangers here...which is sort of the story of Jesus following, isn't it...at home where God has us, but strangers and aliens at the same time.

My old friend, Bob McGrath says, "You know, there are a lot of people that we haven't met around the neighborhood yet...let's see if we can meet a few more, alright?"

Alright, Bob...let's do that.

I'm always up for meeting more teachers and more dealers (news or otherwise).

Will Spring Actually Get Here?

2009-03-20T12:20:42-04:00

I don’t know what I expected, but on this, the vernal equinox, I wasn’t too pleased to awake to a blustery 40 degree day. It’s spring! I want the warmth! So, I walked my dog wearing only a t-shirt, jeans, and flip-flops…my small defiance to the world around me… it didn’t change too much of anything…it just made me long for spring all the more. Will spring actually get here? Or am I stuck in a “spring” that’s no different than yesterday’s winter?

All through Lent, I’ve been living in this space where I’m wondering…will all the good that God has promised actually be realized? Jesus says, “the Kingdom of God is here…it’s present!” But I awoke this morning to the reminder that we’ve been killing people in Iraq for 6 years. The Kingdom is here! I want the Kingdom! So today, here’s my small defiance to the world around me…I’m going to walk my neighborhood at 4pm this afternoon (properly attired this time), and I’m going to pray…I’m going to pray for peace, I’m going to pray for those in our community who have sons and daughters and loved ones serving in the military, I’m going to pray for the drugs and violence and addiction that plague so many. Feel free to join me either physically or in spirit. My belief is that it will actually change something…and it will continue to make me long for what God has next.

The Kingdom is here and it will get here…we are not stuck. Jesus does rise from the grave. Thank God.

Partners

2009-02-12T11:45:04-05:00

My grandmother died in January. And since about then, I had been feeling a bit blocked up spiritually. The week of her passing was a very long and weird week and much of what I had wanted to accomplish just didn't get done. And since then, I've felt a bit behind in everything. So things have been out of whack and I've just been trying to manage.

My back has been out of whack for quite awhile and I always sort of just manage it. But about a week ago I started to go to the chiropractor and I've been learning some pretty good lessons...one is that it's a whole lot easier to breathe when things are in their proper place. So I've been re-disciplining life a little...getting some things back into their proper place in order to breathe a bit better.

One of the things that has opened up is my need to be praying. I like to do, do, do...and it's very easy for me to be checking things off the list, meeting new people, sending out e-mails, etc., etc., etc...all good church planting things...but all that activity, all that twisting and turning, all that constant motion takes a toll. So as I've re-disciplined, I've come back to the foundation of prayer in this whole crazy thing we're doing as cells in South Jersey forming a congregation in Camden.

Over the course of the last few days I've been spending some serious time in prayer about the next 50 people from NJ who will partner with Circle of Hope in Camden. And I've been hearing God say some things.

First, I've been reminded about the hard work of discipleship. It takes a lot of work to relationally engage with people in need of Jesus. Since I don't think it's just about getting people to say a prayer or walk an aisle, I have to remember that relationships that bring people in contact with Jesus take some time. Our next 50 partners are out there...I need to meet them and I need to pray for them.

Second, I've learned a bit about God using unlikely partners. I had a meeting in the last 24 hours with some business partners who have a company and money (two things that I'm a little distrustful of). But these guys actually have heart for Jesus and for Camden and they want to use their company and their money to have an impact on people and neighborhoods. To me, they seem like very unlikely partners in the gospel, but they are...and it has opened my field of vision...who else is an unlikely partner?

Third, I get a phone message like I did last night. And I'm reminded that people actually want to partner in becoming the next generation of the church. The message went something like, "Hey Nate...remember me? I was the newcomer at the public meeting on Sunday. Can you give me the address of your cell...I really want to be there Thursday night." Well of course I remember you...I've been praying for you to be our next partner all week.

More Eyes (Less I)

2009-02-05T13:13:50-05:00

Alright - first the really quick catch up...in my blogging absence...

...was a part of Circle of Hope's apprentice pastor process
...served as one of two apprentice pastor's while Rod was on sabbatical (Tracey rocks!)
...learned a whole lot about what it takes to pastor a congregation that's trying to follow Jesus through the mess of life
...was called by God and by Circle of Hope to plant a congregation in Camden, NJ
...left my job
...have been officially planting since November of 2008
...there is lots of work to be done...you can join us in helping God save the world through Jesus!

No more catch up...

One of our major needs as a young church plant is a building to call home. For the first few months of our existence, we rented space at another church, but now find ourselves as refugees, wandering around a bit.

Yesterday, I took a drive with my good friends Rob and Matt. I've been out there for a few months looking for a building for us to call "home" and we've recently put together a team of people to help in that process. I've been through the same neighborhoods and down the same roads so often in the past few months, seeing something new has been very difficult.

But as Rob and Matt and I drove around (down the same streets that I drove down just a week ago), we added 17 new potential properties to our list. Seventeen on one hour long jaunt. The very fact that more eyes were out there searching brought tangible results. The more eyes the better.

Jesus, help me to remember that following you is about life in community.
May I not fall prey to the lie that I can do it all myself.
Thank you for partners who see what I don't,
And for friends who keep their eyes open.
Show us the way.
Remind us to hold hands when it isn't so clear.

Eleven Month Blog Sabbatical

2009-02-04T12:16:48-05:00

My blog probably doesn't even show up on your radar anymore. And that's ok. Enough people have asked me to start blogging again in the past few weeks, that I took some time and gave it some serious thought and prayer.

Eleven months. That's quite a blog break. Not only did I not post on my blog in the last eleven months, but I rarely read other blogs. I actually rarely read much of anything (at least not at the rate that I was reading).

I think I stopped blogging because I needed space to listen. In the beginning, blogging served as a way to sharpen my listening skills. It was a way to actively practice listening to God and then respond. But somewhere along the line, it simply became me writing about whatever the hell I had read or seen or heard or talked about recently. And while reading, seeing, hearing, and talking are some of the ways that God speaks, I'm not sure I was really listening as much as I was simply responding. Blogging became an out pouring of my head and not my heart.

So I've taken some time to re-find the heart part. I've been doing a lot of listening over the past eleven months. Sometimes I've been quite quiet, even with people who want to hear my response. I've been trying to learn to respond with what God is whispering to my soul rather than the carefully constructed arguments that I have in my head.

I'm not sure I'm good at that...I'm not sure it matters. I am sure that the last eleven months have changed me in very good ways. They've made me a deeper person, they've taught me to trust, and I'm listening again.

So I'm going to reengage with the blogosphere. And I'm going to start reading again. I'm going to listen and respond. I hope you're reading along.

So the series on poverty, race, and war didn't happen...

2008-03-04T15:12:51-05:00

...sorry.

In the Spirit of MLK

2008-01-22T15:42:39-05:00

I haven't posted recently, but this needs to be watched. In the coming weeks, I'm going to focus on the themes of poverty, race and war. Let's start with this...commit the 34 minutes needed to watch it...

Not So Secret Agents

2007-11-15T15:54:57-05:00

We feel small and weak, but we are gathered together to signify the power of God who transforms death into life. That is our hope, that God is doing the impossible: changing death to life inside of each of us, and that perhaps, through our community, each one of us can be agents in the world of this transformation of brokenness into wholeness, and of death into life.
~Jean Vanier, From Brokenness to Community

Balancing Community and Solitude

2007-11-13T15:44:15-05:00

Let him who cannot be alone beware of community...
Let him who is not in community beware of being alone.
~Deitrich Bonhoeffer

Jesus, in Mark 1:29-39 demonstrates and interesting balance between community and solitude. He is with his community (James, John, Peter, Andrew, the disciples), he ministers to his extended community (Peter's mother-in-law), he is almost forced into ministering to the community at large (the whole town), he retreats to a solitary place with God, and then he engages with his community (the disciples) and reaches out into other communities (nearby villages).

Parker Palmer writes,

But most of us in our daily lives exist neith in solitdue nor in community, but somewhere in between. We sacrifice both forms and contest of truth. Seldom are we truly alone, and seldome are we truly in relationship to others; This is the vacuousness of mass society and mass education: our lives alternate between collective busyness and individeaul isolation, but rarely allow for an authentically solitary or experience. In this halve-live dmiddle ground, our solitude is loneliness and our attempts at commuiny are fleeting and defeating We are alone in the crowd, unable to touch the heart of love in ourselves or to touch others in a ways that draw out the heart.

I think we can balance community and solitude without sacrificing both.

When was the last time that you truly engaged in solitude? Do you exist in the half-lived middle ground where solitude is loneliness?

When was the last time that you truly engaged in community? Do you exist in the half-lived middle ground where community is fleeting/defeating?