Best Life Tips

Avoiding Means Never Having to Say “I’m Afraid”

Geoff Farnsworth — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 13:01:41 -0400

Ken, a serious and long-time drinker, hadn’t been feeling good for a while and his wife insisted that he go to the doctor, which, with reluctance, he finally did. Upon examination, the doctor said, “Ken, if you don’t stop drinking, you’re going to die.” Of course, this upset Ken tremendously. When he came home to his wife, he was near tears. “Oh dear, what did the doctor say?” she asked. “He said I’m going to die,” Ken wailed.

Poor Ken. He didn’t really hear what the doctor said. He was practicing one of his chronic avoidant behaviors: selective listening. He heard only what he wanted to hear and shut the rest of the message out.

His wife, Stella, has her own set of behaviors that she uses in her attempts to keep from dealing with certain things in life. She tries to control everyone and everything. She’s the one who made the appointment for Ken in the first place.

Avoidant behaviors such as those exhibited by Ken and Stella are examples of the subtle and not-so-subtle means people adopt to side-step issues and situations. Behaviors such as these are an outer manifestation of what’s going on inside. And, for those who use such avoidances, you can bet that what’s going on inside is some kind of fear.

We avoid because something is at risk.

The impulse toward perfectionism, for example, says I don’t want to risk doing something if I can’t do it perfectly. “Forgetting” doctor’s appointments could mean being afraid to find out if something really is wrong.

Other types of avoidant behavior:

Not returning phone calls
Always being late
Smiling or laughing it off when you’re angry
Projecting (putting our own stuff on other people)
Manipulating
Getting sick
Losing or misplacing things
Over-sleeping

Such behaviors keep us safe within the confines of our fear even though we may not realize fear motivates our responses.

Unfortunately, these behaviors also push people away from us. While drinking, gambling, drugging are some more obvious and destructive practices that affect our whole world, these more subtle aspects affect the quality of our relationships and ultimately block any true intimacy we might have.

Often, people aren’t aware they are using avoidant behaviors – especially if, like Ken and Stella, those close to them also engage in their own ways of not dealing directly with issues. We may be made aware only when someone has the courage to question certain practices: “Seems like every time I ask you to visit my family, you get a headache.” Or through a direct confrontation: after all those months you neglected to open your mail, the IRS placed a lien against your bank account. Or maybe life becomes so painful that we are drawn to look at our own footprints — failed relationships, jobs, finances, child rearing or even our health.

It takes courage to confront such practices — your own or those of someone you’re in relationship with. But one thing is certain about any avoidant behavior: like the IRS, it won’t go away on its own.

Look with Wonder

Geoff Farnsworth — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 10:19:57 -0500

This Valentines Day I was thinking about the love of my life and how all too often I can be relating to a projection of my wife based on past experiences and miss out seeing her in that very moment.

The article below offers an explanation about how we can see from what Zen calls "beginners mind"

Read "A Sunset Mode of Mind"

Ben Stein’s 8 Lessons on Love

Geoff Farnsworth — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 14:32:57 -0400

Ben Stein is a lawyer, writer, actor and economist.

Ben Stein, Love Expert?

Maybe! He published a New York Times article on the economics of love, and it makes a lot of sense.

Here are eight of Stein’s concepts.

1. The returns in love situations are roughly proportional to the amount of time and devotion invested. The amount of love you get from an investment in love is correlated, if only roughly, to the amount of yourself you invest in the relationship.

2. High-quality bonds consistently yield more return than junk, and so it is with high-quality love. Stay with high-quality human beings. And once you find you that are in a junk relationship, sell immediately. Junk situations can look appealing and seductive, but junk is junk.

3. Research pays off. The most appealing and seductive exterior can hide the most danger and chance of loss. For most of us, diversification in love, at least beyond a very small number, is impossible, so it’s necessary to do a lot of research on the choice you make.

4. In every long-term romantic situation, returns are greater when there is a monopoly. If you have to share your love with others, if you have to compete even after a brief while with others, forget the whole thing.

5. The returns on your investment should at least equal the cost of the investment. If you are getting less back than you put in over a considerable period of time, back off.

6. Long-term investment pays off. The impatient day player will fare poorly without inside information or market-controlling power. To coin a phrase: Fall in love in haste, repent at leisure.

7. Realistic expectations are everything. If you have unrealistic expectations, they will rarely be met. If you think that you can go from nowhere to having someone wonderful in love with you, you are probably wrong.

8. When you have a winner, stick with your winner. Whether in love or in the stock market, winners are to be prized.

Stein’s combination of love and economics in such a simple, succinct article is inspired.

For more, please read the full article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/13/business/13every.html?em&ex=1216180800&en=313397ee5ad38176&ei=5087%0A

Orienting Your Life Around Your Values

Geoff Farnsworth — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 15:51:57 -0500

"Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the
achievement of one's values." - Ayn Rand

Would you like to know the secret to happiness?

Do you want the key to living a life of joy and fulfillment?

It's simple! The greatest sense of happiness, joy and fulfillment
comes from living in alignment with your values.

"What do you mean by values?" you may ask. Well, they are those
qualities that excite and energize you most in life. They exist
within your core. You don't really choose them. You can't pick
them out and try them on for size. Instead, you discover what
values already exist within you and, if you're wise, you embrace
them and let them inform your life. They're neither positive nor
negative in and of themselves, but they turn you on and make you
feel alive.

Some people are energized by values like learning, discovery, and
mastery. Some are most excited by creativity, designing,
inspiring, and even entertaining others. Some personalities find
their greatest joy in spirituality, contributing, serving and
impacting lives. Pleasure, adventure and freedom are qualities
that energize some folks, while others are happiest in activities
characterized by personal interaction, encouragement and
leadership. All of these qualities are values.

So often we are too busy setting and pursuing goals without
knowing what we truly value in life, and therefore end up
achieving our goals and saying, "Is that all there is?"

If adventure is a key value in your life, then no matter how
excellently you perform mundane tasks that require little risk and
how lavishly you may be praised or rewarded for it, you'll still
feel dissatisfied.

When you discover your values and find a means to express them
through your actions, you can experience a sense of certainty, an
inner peace, and a total congruency that many people never come to
know. Orienting your life around your values guarantees joy and
satisfaction.

Clients often come to me because they don't feel fulfilled or
satisfied with their work or relationships. We start by
prioritizing their top 5 values and come up with some creative
strategies to reorient their goals so that they are
honoring those values. The result is often that they experience
renewed energy and purpose and a higher level of success.

******************************************************************
Here are some questions to ask yourself-questions that may help
you to identify some of your own core values.

Write a list of words or phrases for your responses.

1. What human qualities do you value most? (e.g., peace, love,
honesty, etc.) What is most important in life?

2. Write a list of the 10-12 times in the past 5 years when you
were being and doing your best. In those moments when you were at
your best, what quality of life were you directly in touch with
or expressing? Do you see a pattern?

3. Think of the peak experiences in your life. What were some of
the important qualities you were experiencing?

4. Prioritize your list of values. When you list them in order,
you may see how the order affects your choices. Someone who values
fun more than financial security will have a completely different
lifestyle than someone with the reverse.

5. Match your goals with your values. Any goals that can't find a
'home' with a matching value, needs to be revised or changed to
better express your values.

******************************************************************

Remember - whatever your values are, they affect the direction of
your life. The only way for you to have long term fulfillment is to
live in alignment with your true values.

Personal Boundaries, Just Say No!

Geoff Farnsworth — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 11:34:38 -0400

For some people saying no is far less comfortable than having a root canal. They’ll stay late at work without compensation, work through the night sewing costumes for a class play, volunteer at church on a day when they’ve already planned to do food shopping for an elderly parent and watch the grandchildren. They may agree to help a friend with a home improvement project that takes up many weekends or lend their car to someone who is careless, accident-prone and broke. Need some money? A ride? Someone to water the plants for a month? Just ask these “nice guys” or “great gals” who end up feeling overbooked, stressed and depleted!

Do you recognize yourself in this description?

Here are seven things to consider about how to respect your boundaries and say no:

• Postpone your answer. Give yourself time to think of prior commitments and how your “Yes” may impact you and others involved. You can say, “Let me check my calendar and see if that’s a possibility,” or “Let me talk that over with David and I’ll get back to you.”

• Respond with emotional neutrality. If anger and resentment surface at the time of the request, allow it to settle down before you give an answer.

• Honor that feeling of dread that arises by being honest. You can still be gracious without committing to something you’ll regret. Here’s where you can say, “I have too much on my plate right now and can’t add another commitment.”

• Be prepared for further honesty when the one making the request tries to talk you into it. When you say no, citing your busy-ness as the reason, they may want to set up something for next month. This is when you can admit, “I’d love to help you out, but I’m not comfortable doing that,” or, “I don’t want to get involved in this, but I wish you luck.”

• You don’t owe people long, detailed explanations. Saying no doesn’t necessitate a rebuke about why they’re bad and wrong for making the request. When a relative or friend is over-reliant on you because of your past support, they may be surprised or hurt by a negative response, but you don’t have to give your time, money or expertise just because you’ve given it before. And you don’t need to list the reasons why they’re unworthy because you’ve already done more than enough.

• You may suggest other possibilities that haven’t been considered—“Maybe you could try…” or “Have you thought about…” Someone else’s problems aren’t yours, so you can be supportive and offer guidance or direction without actually providing solutions.

• Maintain good will and good humor. You don’t have to be offended that someone is asking you to do or to give something. You can wish them well without feeling righteous or put upon. A request is just a request, not a command. You can be loving and generous and still say no.

Personal Boundaries, What Happens When We Disregard Them

Geoff Farnsworth — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 13:58:28 -0400

Have you ever found yourself feeling resentful when someone you’ve been especially generous with doesn’t reciprocate? It happens frequently in our closest relationships—with husbands and wives, parents and children, siblings, lovers, friends. We give lavishly of our time, attention, money and talent and then are disappointed when “the investment didn’t pay off.”

When this happens, it’s a pretty sure bet that we’ve disregarded our boundaries. We’ve gone overboard and end up feeling angry, drained and sucked dry. Unconsciously, we’ve assumed that they’ll step up and match our generosity, or at least, offer heartfelt gratitude!

We all have mixed motives for most of our actions.
We enjoy that good feeling that comes with making someone happy.
We want their approval and affection.
We treat others the way we want to be treated.
We’re hoping they’ll get the hint and follow our example.
We want to lift up someone who is struggling.
We’re trying to rescue someone and control their behavior.
We take pleasure in satisfying a loved ones needs.
We feel guilty and afraid of hurting them if we don’t.
How do we know a boundary has been crossed?

We may have physical symptoms—queasiness, headaches, lightheadedness, a lump in our throats, trembling, etc.
We can feel ashamed that we’ve allowed ourselves to be taken in even while we feel moral superiority because we’ve been “so good.”
We can experience psychological uneasiness—feelings of resentment, anger, anxiety, confusion, feeling “eaten alive,” taken advantage of, sucked dry, used, pressured.
We can notice interactions when we’re controlling, manipulative, angry, critical and/or withdrawing.
When a boundary has been crossed and we feel resentful, our interactions with others change. We might lash out at them, pointing out their ingratitude and thoughtlessness. Or we can withdraw, choosing to keep them at arm’s length, avoiding them, not returning calls, etc. We may experience a loss of power and self-esteem. When we find ourselves behaving or feeling this way, we might look at how we’ve allowed our boundaries to be violated.

A conscious response to a boundary violation involves awareness of how we react and planning how to behave in the future with more wisdom. It doesn’t mean that we blame the other or ourselves.

It’s a tricky business knowing when and where to draw the line, especially if we have a history of never saying no. People can be perplexed or upset when we’re not our usual selves—at their beck and call. We may feel their hurt or disapproval, a diminishing of their affection, and a sense that the relationship is deteriorating. In setting a boundary we may learn some truths about ourselves, the other person and our relationship that can cause discomfort and pain.

Recognizing that a boundary has been crossed is a first step in figuring out that we DO have boundaries and then getting clear about what they are.

Cholesterol Facts

Geoff Farnsworth — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 11:47:50 -0400

By Shane Ellison, M.Sc.
for more information

“Lower your cholesterol and prevent heart disease (atherosclerosis)!”
Medical Doctors, drug manufacturers and nutritional supplement companies make billions of dollars browbeating us to believe this statement. Despite the exuberance with which it is made, this statement is a health myth. The redundancy of this myth has handicapped health logic among some of the most respected health experts in the world.

Most people insist that because their new statin drug (i.e. Lipitor, Pravachol, Crestor) or nutritional supplement (i.e. red yeast rice, policosanol) plummeted their total cholesterol level from 225 to 180 mg/dL they are safe from the pandemic killer heart disease. Never mind their sugar addiction, insulin resistance (pre-diabetic state) and excess fat.

Good news is that these cholesterol lowering worshipers have health insurance. Low cholesterol does not prevent heart disease and can lead to a myriad of problems. In accordance with science, the higher the cholesterol, the longer we live.[1] The cholesterol lowering myth is proof that “when everyone is thinking the same thing, nobody is thinking.”[2]

Logic should bury the myth. The human body is diverse. To verify, measure male anatomy and you’ll find that some men have longer ones than others. Similarly, not everybody on the planet will meet the recommended standards set by the National Cholesterol Education Program (NCEP) and adhered to by the American Heart Association (AHA) - not without the influence of medicine, natural or synthetic. This excites drug and supplement companies. Logic is a poor defense for cholesterol; western medicine rarely adheres to it. We’ll have to move on.

Autopsy results from heart attack victims should bury the myth. If low cholesterol levels prevent heart disease, then we would see high cholesterol levels among those who die early from it via heart attack. This is not so. Half of heart attack victims (those who suffer from heart disease) have low cholesterol.[3] This logic is too simple. Highly educated folk will totally miss this one.

Drug company research on cholesterol lowering drugs should definitely bury the myth. If low cholesterol prevented heart disease then studies would show a correlation between drug-induced low cholesterol and prevention of heart disease. The earlier cholesterol lowering drugs, known as “fibrates,” did not. The U.S. General Accounting Office recognized this and intervened. In their report to congress, entitled Cholesterol Treatment – A Review of the Clinical Trials Evidence, the U.S. General Accounting Office (GAO) stated:
“With respect to total fatalities—that is, deaths from CHD [heart disease] and all other causes—most meta-analyses show no significant difference and thus no improvement in overall survival rates in the trials [using fibrates] that included either persons with known CHD or persons without it.”

This did not shake the pharmaceutical grip on medical doctors. Doctors prescribe the newer cholesterol lowering drugs, statins, to anyone with a heartbeat. This must be why all medical doctors carry a stethoscope around their neck. Still though, like the earlier “fibrates,” these drugs show no correlation between low cholesterol and the prevention of heart disease. Looking at 5 major statin drug trials, these being PROSPER, ALLHAT-LLT, ASCOT-LLA, AFCAPS and WOSCOPS, statin drugs provided an Absolute Risk Reduction in total mortality of 0.3%. These facts will go ignored as well.

Prescription drug addiction takes precedent to science, at least in the United States. Therefore, medical doctors and drug companies will obfuscate the truth with complexity and obscurity via statistical contortionists. Don’t be fooled, hold steady to logic.

The ubiquity and importance of cholesterol to the human body should bury the myth. Cholesterol acts to interlock “lipid molecules,” which stabilize cell membranes. Therefore, cholesterol is a vital building block for all bodily tissues. Lowering such a vital molecule is absurdity. To illustrate, imagine that your house represents your body and the nails holding it together cholesterol. Now start pulling each and every nail out of the house. What happens? The house turns to a pile of rubble. The same is true for the human body.

Adhering to the cholesterol myth is akin to crossing a two-way street while looking only in one direction: you are bound to get run over. Getting hit by a car is not an accident, neither is heart disease. Heart disease is the result of a nutritional deficiency. This nutritional deficiency is overcome by supplementing “essential nutrients”. Essential nutrients are those that your body requires for survival but cannot manufacture itself. To ignore this is to commit suicide, in slow motion. Seek health education not drugs.

About the Author
Shane holds a Master’s degree in organic chemistry and has first-hand industry experience with drug research, design and synthesis. He understands that Americans want and deserve education rather than prescriptions. His "People's Chemist Foundational Health Education" program is available here:

Boundaries, What Are They?

Geoff Farnsworth — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 10:06:22 -0400

When Robert Frost said, “Good fences make good neighbors,” he was on to something. Our ability to relate to others in a healthy way depends on our awareness of not stepping aggressively into their territory—physical and psychological—and not letting them step into ours. Boundaries are protective limits that prevent abuse and unwanted liberties. They serve well to express who we are and work best when they’re based on respect for ourselves and others.

We need both external and internal boundaries to function well with the people in our lives without resentment and with integrity. They help us, too, to be discriminating about whom we allow in. Having fences and keeping them mended makes for good relationships.

What do you mean by external boundaries?

These are the easier ones-- about physical limits. We set boundaries about how closely we let others come to us and whether or not we allow them to touch us. These boundaries vary depending on how well we know and love the person. In ordinary social situations, a respectful distance of 18 inches is comfortable for most people. When we encounter a “close talker,” we find ourselves moving backward to reclaim our 18 inches. Even in elevators, if the usual distance isn’t possible, we maintain integrity by not making physical contact. We need to be aware of not invading someone else’s space and not touching someone unless they make it clear that it’s welcome.

Sexual boundaries fit into this category also. We control whether we say yes or no to the person, place, time and manner for sexual interaction and others have the same rights in regard to us. Rape would be the ultimate violation of a sexual boundary, but an overly-enthusiastic kiss of a host or hostess can also overstep the line, as well as a lascivious stare at a co-worker.

External boundaries are violated when someone steals from you or spies on you, eavesdrops on your private conversations, checks your e-mail, goes through your briefcase or your drawers, reads your journal, borrows your belongings without permission, etc.

How about internal boundaries?

These are the more challenging kind! Just like the external boundaries, there are those designed to protect us from the world and those that protect the world from us!

We impose internal boundaries on ourselves to show respect for others when we are doing the speaking. This means that we refrain from yelling and name-calling. We don’t say things that are demeaning or insulting, that ridicule or patronize, or that blame and shame. We learn to express our feelings in moderation.

We’re being respectful of others, too, when we’re discriminating about how much self-revelation we do and to whom. Sharing too much personal information with someone you don’t know well can be awkward and uncomfortable for them. They may be too polite to make that known, but if their boundaries are healthy, they may back off from us. People who ramble on, even if they’re not discussing personal issues, show a lack of respect for their listeners.

When we are the listener, our sense of boundaries is challenged even further because we can’t control the speaker, but we have to create boundaries about how we allow their words in and how we let them affect us. If speakers are exhausting with their chatter or offensive with their remarks, we can limit our time with them by making a gracious exit or we can change the subject. If they’re complaining about us personally, we want to be open enough to let in the truth, but not so vulnerable that we take in even what isn’t true.

First we can get ourselves into a safe physical position—moving to a different chair, walking to the other side of a table, holding a pillow on our laps. We want to be comfortable enough to listen with some understanding of where this person is coming from. If there’s anger, what’s below it? Are they afraid, insecure, hurt? We can listen to discover something about who this person is instead of listening with righteousness as we plan our defense. Many of us feel unfairly attacked when faced with any criticism. After all we do and how generous, hard-working and responsible we are!! How could anyone dare confront us? Especially someone who doesn’t measure up to our standards!

Even when their words are blaming, we have to maintain that internal boundary of not taking on blame. We aren’t responsible for making someone feel, think or do anything. Each of us is responsible for what we feel, think and do ourselves. But, oh how this can trigger us into a counter-attack! It takes some courage and discipline to experience the emotions this triggers and breathe our way through it without lashing out.

Another internal listening boundary that we can set for ourselves is to be objective about whether what they’re saying is really true. When arguing, many folks will say, “You always…” or, “You never…” when such a statement is rarely true. But often, there is some truth tucked into that generalization that we can be willing to evaluate. When it is true, feeling shameful and inferior isn’t going to make anything better. If the truth makes us feel guilty and fearful, we have to remind ourselves that we’re really O.K.—no better than anyone else and no worse than anyone else. We can choose to work on our failing without losing self-esteem and can actually feel better about ourselves because we are willing to try again to be a better person.

When an accusation isn’t true, we have to detach from the emotion it triggered and let it pass through us like light or shadow passes through clear glass. It doesn’t stick like a dart on a dartboard or stab our hearts like a knife. Other people have a right to their opinions and their points of view and we can respect their differences without getting defensive, angry and hurt.

Establishing boundaries is a way of living respectfully. It doesn’t mean creating a Berlin Wall that isolates and alienates. But it does mean setting healthy limits that express our reverence for other human beings and prevent the world from running roughshod over us until we resent the intrusion or abuse.

In the Classroom, a New Focus on Quieting the Mind - New York Times

Geoff Farnsworth — Sun, 17 Jun 2007 11:48:31 -0400

Mindfulness, while common in hospitals, corporations, professional sports and even prisons, is relatively new in the education of squirming children. But a small but growing number of schools in places like Oakland and Lancaster, Pa., are slowly embracing the concept — as they did yoga five years ago — and institutions, like the psychology department at Stanford University and the Mindfulness Awareness Research Center at the University of California, Los Angeles, are trying to measure the effects.

Link: In the Classroom, a New Focus on Quieting the Mind - New York Times.

Looking for Love

Geoff Farnsworth — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 09:30:01 -0400

In my work with single clients I often hear the perception that there aren't many singles out there. The Pew Research Center survey suggests the number of potential single romance-seekers is huge. Fully 43% of adults (87 million people) say they are single. The survey also points out that only a small percentage of these singles are actually looking for a committed relationship, more good news for those who are looking. Check out more details in the link below.

Link: Pew Research Center: Not Looking for Love.