True story.

We are lucky enough to have very cool neighbors.  One of them is an ex-Marine and current construction worker.  He and his wife are transplanted New Yorkers.  They own a couple of parrots (although judging by his reaction to them, I'd venture they are more hers than his).  Now, those parrots talk.  It may or may not surprise you to learn that the vocabulary spewed by a couple of parrots who live with an ex-Marine, former New Yorker and current construction worker is very colorful.

Lots of mornings begin with the parrots squawking, and our neighbor shouting, "F**K OFF!" at them.  Those two parrots give as good as they get, let me tell you.  They volley a massive round of "F**K OFF!!"s right back at him (in stereo, no less).  Sometimes our neighbor can't help but engage with them.  (Maybe it's a Marine thing?)  More "F**K OFF!"s from him.  More "F**CK OFF!!"s from them.  This can go on for a good ten minutes.  (It only feels longer sometimes........)

You would think this would be a really annoying way to start the day, but it's weirdly hilarious, and mostly it just makes me giggle.  Also, it helps to put my day, and my own pet ownership issues, in perspective.  It's not like I'm being awakened by the sound of gunfire tearing through the walls of my mud hut in the Congo or anything.  Plus, our dog and our cat may have their own idiosyncratic and sometimes maddening personality quirks......but at least my pets can't tell me to go screw myself. 

Counting your blessings is a really good way to start the day.  That's all I'm saying.

The other night at bedtime, Z. was adamantly refusing to do that whole "horizontal, silent and motionless" thing.  Refusing, and making her point in no uncertain terms.  Of course, four year olds can dispatch melodrama like nobody's business.  You'd normally have to travel to Naples and get stuck in a rush hour traffic jam there to witness the level of hand-wringing and gesticulating that she was unleashing in my general direction.  It was like my very own instant Tuscan vacation!  (OK, not really........)

So I ask her, "How many more times am I going to have to tell you to stay in bed?!"

Her response?  "Lots."

Pass the vino, please.

And yet........what a silly, silly premise.

Disliked Nine for that and a whole host of other reasons.

Next?

Admit it.  It's a great freakin' idea. 

Now if I weren't already reasonably sure that Christopher Walken hasn't opened some sort of etiquette-focused finishing school for girls, I would suspect that little Z. (who is now the ripe old age of three and a half) has been stealing money from my purse and spending it on tuition at such a place.   

Not to digress, but.........am I dating myself for even using the term, "finishing school"?  Although, in this era in which ladies of a certain elementary school age are more likely to pack heat than know which one is the salad fork, maybe Christopher Walken would be a more relevant tutor than, say, Emily Post.

Back on topic:  Z. is blossoming into a friendly, albeit fearless, little lady.  Alas, it's a sad commentary of our times (or maybe just of life in Los Angeles) that she'll often approach others (kids and adults alike) to say, "Hi!" and gets no response.  She routinely gets blanked. People stare back at her like she's mugging them for milk money.  I get that we don't live in Mayberry, but are manners that out of vogue?  Would it kill people to stop sipping their half-fat grande lattes (yes, even the kids on the playground are hipsters) long enough to say hello back?  

It's OK, though.  She's come up with a solution.  It's a tad tough love, but hey - a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. 

Today we were browsing in Marshall's, and Z. walked up to a random lady.  "Hi!" Z. said.  The lady looked at her with a "Does not compute" expression, then redirected her attention back to lovingly caressing the impressive assortment of polyester blouses in front of her. 

Z. persisted with another "Hi!"  Still no response.

Z.'s eyes got wide.  Buggy, Christopher Walken-manning-the-phone-lines-of-the-Psychic-Friends-Network-in-that-SNL-sketch wide. Actually, it wasn't just in her eyes.  She was channeling him.

She says to this lady, in a slightly unstable tone, "I SAID HI!  YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SAY HI BACK!"

I'm pleased to report that this is how you get a response to an attempt at casual conversation in the greater Los Angeles area.

Z. then proceeds to browbeat this total stranger into having an actual conversation with her.  Just to make a point, I think.  She normally doesn't give a rat's ass what most adults have to say beyond "Hi."

Sheer genius.  Usually I try to keep Z. from harassing innocent bystanders, but I'm sorry - that broad had it coming.  If she'd just said hi back, things wouldn't have had to escalate into full conversation mode. 

I shudder to think how Z. will react when someone uses the wrong salad fork.  Plus, now I can vividly imagine taking her to the symphony, resplendent in a fancy dress and perhaps even gloves, only to have her suddenly shriek, "MORE COWBELL!"

Stay tuned.....