Some parents think it’s their job to make their children happy and to think for them – but this is not true. It’s not the parents’ job to think for their children or to make them happy. How do I know this is true? I know this because it’s impossible for one human being to think for another human being or to make another human being happy. This is the impersonal universal law. It’s the mechanism of mind that operates equally for all human beings. There are no exceptions to this law. And this means that each individual is living in his or her own mental universe, which means that each human being is experiencing the results of his or her own thoughts. (See my new book “The Awakening Human Being” for a detailed explanation of this impersonal mechanism.) .
This doesn’t mean that parents shouldn’t love their children and treat them with respect. But treating children with respect means respecting their intelligence, their individuality, their right to be who they are – and not trying to think for them (which is impossible) or expecting them to make you happy or for you to make them happy (also impossible)..
Unfortunately since most people do not understand the mechanism of mind which says that it’s an impersonal, universal law that each person can only experience their own thoughts and interpretations of the events that are unfolding in their lives – a lot of confusion arises. And thus because people who are parents don’t understand the mechanism, they mistakenly think that it’s their job to make their kids happy. But it doesn’t work no matter how “hard” parents may try – and this is because it’s the child’s own thoughts and interpretation of events that determine their child’s state of mind. When you look around you, you can see for yourself that this is true. And this explains why one child who has been spoiled and given everything is still miserable, unsatisfied and always cranky while another child who may have very little (in the way of attention or possessions) is joyful and positive about life and his or her possibilities..
So when we understand this mechanism, it leaves us (the parents) with the following – it’s our job to take responsibility for our own lives and our own happiness and in this way teach our children (by our own example) the laws of the universe and the mechanism of mind. When children see their parents living sane, responsible, and authentic lives with integrity, they will follow their example. Again this is because the reality is that parents teach their children through their actions and behavior (not their words). The reality is that children naturally copy their parents’ behavior because this is the model for life and relationships they see and are exposed to. (Which is also why dysfunctional behavior gets passed down from generation to generation despite the parents firm desire not to do what their parents did!).
So it’s important to remember:.
- Children didn’t come into this world to make you happy (that’s your job).
- It’s not your job to make your children happy (that’s their job).
- And this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take care of your children and treat them with love and respect.
- Everyone wants to be free (including your children). It’s the universal urge in us all. No one fights to be a slave.
- And this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set limits and take care of your children when they are small.
- But as they grow older, a parent’s job is to let go and trust in the intelligence of their children.
- Children came into their world to live their own lives (that’s their job).
- You came into this world to live your own life (that’s your job).
- You can’t know what your child’s dream is.
- You are probably having a hard enough time figuring out what your own dream is.
- You can’t know what’s best for your child.
- Can you even know what’s best for you?
- Your child has a right to be who he or she is.
- And this doesn’t mean that you cannot set limits in your home.
- And this doesn’t mean you cannot explain to your children and show them through your words and actions that everything we say and do has consequences.
- You cannot prevent your children experiencing the consequences of their thoughts, words and actions.
- This is the order of the universe and the sooner children learn this, the better.
- You cannot prevent your children from making what you think are “mistakes”.
- How else can they learn about life?
- How did you learn about life?.
All this also means that it’s okay to show your kids that you’re not perfect (the reality) and that you don’t know all the answers (also the reality) and that sometimes life is difficult for you (also the reality) but that you’re doing the best you can to figure things out (also reality) and hopefully follow your integrity (probably your preference). And since this is a sane, realistic assessment and approach to life, it’s also a sane, realistic way of interacting with the young human beings who are in your care for some years.
Sitting with clients every day has made me realize that so many people are feeling a bit uneasy at the moment because they are beginning to think about spending Christmas with their families. If this sounds like you, the information in this article will help you understand what’s going on and how to deal with your issues more sanely and constructively.
Many people dread family get-togethers even if they really do love each other. We see this happening often – maybe you’ve even had this experience yourself and wonder why it’s so difficult. You really do love these people after all. The discomfort of meeting family is usually most obvious around Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving and any other holiday where families traditionally meet. And this discomfort arises for adults who are meeting their parents (no matter how old the parents are) and for parents who are meeting their grown-up children (no matter how old the children are).
This discomfort arises for many reasons. It can help to examine some of the reasons why this happens because just understanding why this happens can give more peace of mind.
So let’s step back for a moment and remind ourselves of the basic mechanisms of mind. First of all it’s good to remember that each individual lives in his/her own mental universe. This is a universal law. This also means there is no common experience which everyone in the family is having at the same time. What one person experiences has nothing to do with what the other person or people experience. What I experience has nothing to do with what you experience. One person can think everything is just wonderful and be having a good time while the next person can be having quite a different experience. So remember, just because you think things went well, it doesn’t mean everyone else shares your experience. And vice versus, just because you feel unhappy or freaked out of your mind, it doesn’t mean everyone else felt the same way. This is because we can only experience our own thoughts, stories and interpretation of events. So there is no one common “family” experience but as many different experiences as there are people present. And we don’t (we can’t) experience what the other people are thinking or their stories about what’s going on – we can only experience our own stuff.
When you understand this, you can also see that since each person is living and experiencing his/her own mental universe, this must include his or her dysfunctional beliefs, thoughts and stories (programming) and the dysfunctional behavior that arises as a result of these dysfunctional beliefs and stories. And because of this, it is also easy to see and understand that when the family gets together, it triggers each member’s individual issues – whatever they are! This is getting real about family get-togethers. This is waking up to the reality that people have a wide range of issues stemming from their family background and growing up years – and that family get-togethers are a great trigger for these issues. Hence the discomfort – your discomfort, his discomfort, her discomfort, yes everyone’s discomfort!
The reality is: Most families are more or less dysfunctional – there’s no shame in this.
It’s just the way things are…
The reality is: Most people are more or less confused – and there’s no shame in this either.
It’s just the way things are…
So if all this is true, what can we do about it?
Well here are some good things to remind yourself of before you meet the family!
1) It’s not your job to fix it
You are not responsible for what the other people in your family are feeling and experiencing. Remind yourself that everyone is feeling and experiencing what they are feeling and experiencing because of their own individual thoughts and beliefs. Their happiness or unhappiness is a result of their interpretation of what is going on. You can’t change this. You can’t prevent this from happening. This is universal law – an impersonal mechanism.
Family meetings trigger each member’s issues. And again, you can’t prevent this from happening and you can’t change this. Nor are you to blame for this happening. Again this is an impersonal mechanism.
It’s not your job to fix this or fix the other people in your family. And the reality is – you can’t. Your job is to take care of you – and to realize that your own experience is your own. You are responsible for taking care of yourself in this situation – you are not responsible for taking care of the other people. (And this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t treat everyone with respect). What it does mean is that you are not responsible for the other people’s happiness. (And again, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be kind, considerate, polite, and loving. Nor does this mean you shouldn’t learn to communicate clearly and set limits as to what is ok for you and what is not.)
2) Mind your own business
If other people have problems or issues when the family gets together, then it’s their job to figure out how to deal with their problems. He or she can go to therapy, read books, go to a 12-step program or do whatever it takes to deal with their issues. It’s not your job. Your job is to deal with your own issues. It can be a great help to remember that you can’t know what’s good or bad in the long run for anyone in your family. What may seem like a crisis or a source of great discomfort to someone at the moment may in fact be the start of a great awakening for this person.
And this doesn’t mean you can’t say what you think. You can.
You can do what you like. Always. (And yes, all our words and actions have consequences – but this doesn’t mean you can’t do what you like. You can. You always can.)
3) It’s not so black and white
Remember you can all probably have a good time together even if there is some discomfort. It’s good to remember that things are usually not so black and white. Even if there is some discomfort, there will probably be some good moments too. The reality is that your feelings and experience change and so does everyone else’s, so most family get-togethers are a mixture. And yes, it is possible to live with unresolved problems and issues. (Again, this is reality. We’re all living with unresolved problems and issues!)
You don’t have to agree about everything. You can disagree on things and still have a good time. Agreement and love are two different things. You can love someone and disagree on lots of stuff. Again, look at the reality. Do you agree with everything the people you love think or say?
You probably love each other – even if you’re mad as hell. That’s just the way it is.
4) Be good to you
Be extra kind to yourself when being with your family triggers the feelings of your wounded inner child. If you feel bad, know that this is okay. And when this happens (and it probably will), remember it’s your job to be your own loving parent and take good care of yourself. It helps to realize that none of these other people (no matter how good their intentions or how much they love you) can do this for you. This is your job. And with a little practice, you can do this.
I know this might sound hard, but it also helps to realize that even though you really love these people, you don’t need them to live a happy life. Getting together will probably work better for you if you’re not so desperate about wanting things to work out well. (And this doesn’t mean that this is not your preference).
And finally if meeting the family is problematic for you, it also helps to realize that meeting the family will probably continue to be problematic for you – maybe for the rest of your life. But that if you are willing to do some inner work and then keep the basic principles outlined above in mind when you meet the family, things will probably be a little easier for you each time you meet. And if not, well remember, you can survive without your family.
5) When it’s best to stay away
There are also cases when it’s simply best to stay away from your family. If one or both of your parents or any other member of your family is abusive in any way, it’s your job to take care of you. And this means in situations like this, it’s probably best to stay away. This may also be the case if one of your parents or another family member is an alcoholic, a drug addict or dangerous (violent) in any way. Unfortunately, this is the reality in some highly dysfunctional families – even if the various family members maintain that everything is okay. All this means is that they’re in denial! But just because they’re in denial, it doesn’t mean you have to be. So regardless of what they say and whether or not your family understands – if you feel abused, violated, unsafe, or shamed – stay away!
I also highly recommend that if you come from this kind of background, you go to a 12-step program to get a little clarity about your situation. 12-step programs, such as ACA or Al-Anon, are extremely healing and liberating for people from dysfunctional families. Becoming a member and going to meetings regularly can help you understand your experience and why you feel like you do. When you begin to understand the mechanisms of dysfunctional families, you will better understand your wounds, insecurities and why you have such difficulty dealing with your family. And then, as you begin to gain a little clarity about your past, the programs can help you better understand that each and every one of us has a right to our own reality and that it’s each individual person’s job learn to take care of themselves in relation to their dysfunctional families. And yes, this is something you can learn and do!”
Love,
Barbara
I notice a lot of people have difficulty with what I call sane self-appraisal. Here's what I mean... Whenever you say, I ”should” or “shouldn’t” about yourself… for example I “shouldn’t” be so nervous, I “shouldn’t” weigh so much, I “should” be more productive, I “should” be more successful, I “should” have more money… you are saying I ”should” be different than I am. This is the same as saying I “shouldn’t” be me – which is not sane self-appraisal. In fact, it's a really painful way of thinking which leads to anxiety, guilt, depression and low self-esteem.
When you notice this and stop beating yourself up for being you, it doesn’t mean you can’t have goals and work to improve yourself. But healthy self-improvement begins with sane self-appraisal which means accepting who you are and making a sane and realistic assessment of your strengths and weaknesses and where you are in your development. When you do this, you recognize yourself as a member of the human race who isn’t perfect (whatever that means) and who faces challenges just like everyone else. When you do this, you are acting like a psychologically mature adult who is able to say… well considering who I am and where I’m going and what I would like to achieve, it might be a good idea to work on this or focus on this or try this…
This is the mature approach to self-improvement – because it’s based on a sane and realistic appraisal of who you are right now, which is much more peaceful, positive and productive than saying “I shouldn’t be me.”
There seems to be a lot of confusion out there when it comes to what coaching is about and what spirituality is about. And fortunately for us, reality will clear up this matter for each of us – sooner or later.
Let’s look at spiritual teaching first.
The reality is that everything in the physical world is impermanent and will sooner or later be taken from us. Everything. Our jobs, our houses, our money, our minds, our loved ones, our bodies. Everything. That’s the nature of reality as far as physical bodies are concerned. And in this respect, Life/Reality/God or whatever you want to call the life force is perfectly equal and clear. It happens for all of us. No one can avoid this. So sooner or later we all have the privilege and opportunity to face these truths and look deeply into this reality.
And when you start to look more deeply into reality you discover that the more you are attached to things – to jobs, houses, money, our minds, our loved ones, our bodies – the more you are going to suffer when you have to let go of them. And that’s pretty much what all the great spiritual teachers have been teaching us. They have been teaching us to look beyond the changing material world to the eternal verities if we truly want to find peace of mind. So that’s spiritual teaching, spirituality… in a nutshell.
And then there’s coaching! Which is something completely different! And yes I know because I’ve also been there and done that (see for example my book The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul). Coaching is about achieving your transient goals in the here and now. And well achieving your transient goals in the here and now – like a better job, a bigger house, more money, better relationships, more mental abilities, and a healthy body – are all well and good as along as you realize that you are going to lose them all in the end! And as long as you don’t get so attached to all these things and identify with them so much that you forget your true nature. Then all is well and good.
So you might want to remember this important distinction as you wander through the self-empowerment marketplace! It can save you a lot of heartache further down the road.
It is truly liberating to realize that there is no connection between an event and your reaction to the event. No connection whatsoever. Most people are so identified with their thoughts that they believe the emotions they experience when something happens means that the emotion is inherent in the event itself. So they think for example that death is sad, illness is terrible, and that divorce is tragic. But death is only death, illness is only illness, and divorce is only divorce. There is no emotion inherent in any of these events. The emotion is something we attach to the event and it arises as a result of our interpretation of the event. This emotion is not inherent in the event but is always the result of our opinion or interpretation of what’s happening.
In reality, death could turn out to be the greatest adventure of all, illness could be the most transformational experience in our entire life, and – trust me on this one – divorce may be the greatest liberation (at least that was my experience)!
You can test this for yourself. Take an event and then watch how differently people react to the event. Let’s take the volcanic ash from the Island volcano in April 2010 that caused airports to close down all over Europe for many days. Was this a blessing or a curse? Well from the reports I’ve heard, it all depended on who you are and where you were. In other words, it all depended on your story, on your interpretation of the event and not on the event itself. So for many people it was a hassle because they were stranded for days at airports. But for others, it was a wonderful blessing, an unexpected gift! I personally know of three concrete examples of friends who just loved the volcanic ash. One was the couple from London who was visiting my youngest son and his family in San Francisco. They could not fly back to London after 10 days as planned so they had an extended vacation and the airlines paid! Another was a friend who was on holiday in Egypt – he said he got five extra days at a 5-star hotel and even though his boss wasn’t happy, there was nothing anyone could do about it! And the third was a woman I know who lives in Oregon who was visiting her dying sister in Uppsala, Sweden – and since she couldn’t fly home she got to be with her beloved sister right up to the end. So was it good or bad?
I get emails from readers around the world... but the one I got today is just so amazing that I have to share it with you...
"Good Morning Barbara and Staff.
My name is Francis, I live in Canberra Australia.
Just recently, 4-5 weeks ago I received a used copy of your book "Fast Food for the Soul" in the mail from an unknown sender in the United States.
I had never heard of you before, even though I have read several books Inc Dr W Dyer, Wallace Wattles and some other well known famous people on the same topic.
I must say that your small and very clear straight to the point is by far the best book I've held with my hands to date.
I was born in a small Southern European Country,I left school just before I turned 10 years old, came to Australia in the mid 70,s with no English in a false Passport.
I am now in my mid 50's and pretty successful in what I do, however it wasn't always like this, your book has so clearly opened up so many other possibilities for me as it makes it so easy and simple to understand.
So many times I've blessed the unknown sender that sent me a copy of your book and above all a real credit to you for putting together.
I will certainly want to get the updated copy as soon as it comes out.
Next year we plan to travel and spend some time in Europe and I will be in contact with your office as I would like to have couple hours consultation with you.
I am so grateful to the person that sent me a copy of your book and to you for writing it.
Many Thanks,
Take Care, God Bless
Francis"
Today - July 4th - is the anniversary of the day when the founders of the United States wrote in 1776 these amazing words: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
To this day, this statement is one of the highest and most profound statements ever formulated by mankind.
So it's a statement that is really worth thinking about and meditating on... I say this because the ultimate abuse occurs when someone tries to violate another person’s unalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And this, we all know, is happening all the time, all around the world. Just turn on the TV and you see it happening. It’s going on all the time on the world stage.
But this abuse is not just happening on the world stage, it’s also happening up close to us – in the lives of people who are around us. And it can be pretty shocking when you start to notice that it’s not just out there but that it’s also in here.
Since I do private sessions with people almost every day, I get to hear about this happening all the time, right here in peaceful little Denmark. Almost everyone who comes to me for private sessions has experienced this type of abuse and is today suffering from the effects of this. They are suffering from and struggling with the reality that someone close to them has tried to violate their unalienable right to their own life, and to liberty (which is the freedom to do what they want – and experience the consequences) and to pursue happiness in whatever way they deem best (and again to experience the consequences). I hear this often from my clients. And it’s heartbreaking…
I hear stories of husbands who are trying to violate their wives’ right to live their own lives as they deem fit and who justify this violation by repeating the old patriarch call to duty for women saying “It’s your job to make me happy”… “You have a duty to the children”… “You have to think about the family,”… “I know what’s best for you”… etc. etc. It’s sickening to hear and because these women are not clear about the fact that they have certain unalienable rights and that among these are the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness – it’s easy for their husbands to manipulate them.
I also hear stories of parents who are trying to manipulate their adult children in this way and I hear it from adults who have been manipulated in this way by their parents. It is as if these children (whether they are young or old) only exist to make the parents happy and to satisfy the needs of the parents. It’s as if children from these confused and dysfunctional families are brought up to believe that they don’t have the right to their own lives. And so they feel they don’t have the right to pursue life, liberty and happiness in whatever way they see fit (and again experience the consequences of their choices). And when they finally try to strike out on their own, they often feel terrible guilt because they were taught from an early age that their lives belong to another.
And this is the ultimate abuse – to hear from the adult caretaker(s) in your life that you don’t have the right to your own life – that you don’t have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in whatever way you see fit. When this happens, it is the ultimate violation of a person’s basic human rights as a free individual.
This of course does not mean that parents are not responsible for guiding and protecting their children when they are small, but as children grow into adulthood, it is no longer the parent’s job to determine what’s best for their children’s future. Because how can they know? How can one person possibly know what is best for another? Especially when we take into consideration that all men and women are created equal and that we are all endowed by our Creator with the same unalienable rights and that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
So the violation of human rights is not just something that is happening out there on the world stage… it’s also something that is happening right here where we are. And I doubt very much that we can fix out there until we fix in here. Out there is just a reflection of in here…
That’s why I believe the wise words of the American founders are definitely worth thinking about and meditating upon…
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
The men who wrote this statement truly saw into the core of the human condition. They understood the cry for freedom that is in every person’s heart. They knew that each and every one of us is longing for freedom and for the right to pursue happiness in whatever way we see fit.
Recently my son Tim Ray wrote this article for the Danish lifestyle magazine “Liv og Sjæl” about how we, as awakening human beings, can tackle the challenge of meeting and dating in a more conscious fashion. Interesting food for thought... Enjoy!
”Dating Guide for the Awakening Human Being – by Tim Ray
One of the characteristics of a healthy, harmonious relationship is that the partners are a good match. And by a good match I don’t necessarily mean they match each other in appearance or in the outer. People can differ externally – age, appearance, job, career, financial situation, personality type, etc. – and still be a good match. People are a good match when inner circumstances match – and by that I mean when their level of consciousness and their values, intention, and lifestyle match. If there is a good match between your level of consciousness and another person’s, then the chances of you being a “good match” are greater.
So if your focus is on becoming a more conscious and awake human being and if you are looking for a partner who is also striving to become more conscious, how do you determine if someone is a good match for you in terms of their level of consciousness?
Here are some of the things an “awakening” human being might want to consider and be aware of when he or she is dating:
- What is this person’s level of consciousness? Is the person awake and conscious or is she/he confused and unconscious? Does this person believe everything he/she thinks or is this person able to question his/her thinking?
- What is the basic energy of this person? How does it feel? Is there… fear, anxiety, insecurity? Is there desire and a longing for outer, material things, status, money, etc? Does the person radiate anger, irritation, or frustration? Does the person have the “it’s their fault” attitude or vibration? Does the person have a lot of pride and a closed mind and radiate the feeling that he or she knows all the answers? Or is the person open, flexible and willing to consider things from new perspectives? Does the person’s energy seem optimistic and positive? Does the person seem to have common sense and the ability to think clearly? Does his/her energy feel loving and spacious? Is there a feeling of respect for him/herself and others? And what about a feeling of peace? Ecstasy? In other words, what is the person’s vibrational quality?
- What are the person’s values and goals in life? Do he/she value outer achievements like money, material things, status, and fame? Or does the person value inner qualities such as being conscious, understanding and feeling love and compassion? And if the person says their focus is on inner qualities – is there harmony between the person’s stated values and his/her behavior, way of speaking, lifestyle?
- Does the person take responsibility for their life or is this person trying to get someone else to save them?
- Does the person feel comfortable with who they are and rest in themselves? Can he or she be alone and feel good? Or is this someone who needs to fill up their time with outer activities, people and experiences to feel okay?
- Is he/she desperate to find a partner?
- Is she/he realistic when it comes to what a relationship can actually do and not do for a person?
- Does he/she have healthy boundaries? Or does the person have too few boundaries (for example being willing to have sex too quickly?). Or too many boundaries (for example not being honest and showing who they are.)
- Does he/she have a lot of unresolved pain from a previous relationship which they haven’t worked through yet (newly divorced or just out of a long relationship)?
- Does she/he have any unhealthy addictions such as alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, coffee, flirting and sex?
- What happens when you disagree about something – does this person treat you and the way you see things with respect?
- If you tell the person something intimate or talk about your problems, does he/she listen with respect and compassion?
- If you share some of the things you see/feel about the person with him or her, is the person able to listen to what you’re saying in a sane and sensible manner? Or does he/she immediately become aggressive and/or defensive?
- Is he/she overly responsible and trying to fix others (including you)? Or is this person able to mind his/her own business and let other people take care of their business?
- Is she/he abusive? Does the person violate your boundaries? Or does this person allow him/herself to be violated?
- Is the person awake? Aware? Conscious? And if not, is waking up and becoming more conscious a primary goal in his or her life?
- And finally… if you are a good match, in terms of your level of consciousness – what are his/her preferences when it comes to having a relationship? For example, how much time does this person want to spend with you? Does this match what you want? And how does the person want to spend this time? And again does this match your desires and preferences?
The more awake you are, the better your dating experience will be!
When you read this, you might be thinking, “but how can I realistically assess something like this?”
Part of the answer is obviously the more conscious and aware you are yourself, the easier it will be for you to see and understand other people. In other words, if you understand yourself and your own thinking, feelings and behavior, it’s a lot easier to judge what’s going on with someone else.
And the opposite is also true – if you’re not especially conscious and are very identified with your own thoughts, stories and beliefs and feel needy and insecure, it will be more difficult for you to assess another person’s level of consciousness accurately.
Which brings us to the most important thing of all when it comes to dating – namely – the best thing you can do to have a good dating experience and a good relationship in the future is to become a more conscious person yourself!
Know thyself first
So look at the above checklist and now ask yourself the same questions again – but this time, ask them about yourself. How do you rate? By doing this, you can get an idea of your own level of consciousness in terms of the areas mentioned above.
And yes, it’s an interesting exercise.
If you find areas where you can see that you are not especially conscious and have problems – well then you know where you need to do more inner work so that you can become more awake yourself.
So in this way, dating can be more than just fun – it can be a great way to stimulate your own inner growth!
Healthy dating takes time
When you look at the above checklist, you can also add other points that you think are important for a conscious/awake person to consider when meeting another person. The other thing you will discover is that obviously it will take some time before you can realistically evaluate how conscious another human being is! (Or how awake you are for that matter!). And then assess whether or not you would be a good match.
And this brings us to another important aspect of dating for the awakening human being – it’s important to precede slowly and not just jump into bed right away. Because only by taking your time can you realistically assess if the two of you are a good match.
How long it takes to realistically assess another person’s level of consciousness depends on your level of consciousness! The more conscious you are, the less time it will take for you to correctly assess another person’s level of consciousness – and whether or not you are a good match. And if you’re not especially conscious, well then it will take longer for you to make a healthy assessment. And yes this is a bit of a paradox because when you’re not so conscious, you will probably have a tendency to jump into bed with the first lovely body you run into…
So how conscious are we in fact?
When we look at reality, the truth is that most people who are doing consciousness work and are in the process of becoming more awake – are not completely awake and not completely unconscious either. The reality is they’re a mixture of both – sometimes awake and aware – and sometimes pretty unconscious. So of course this is another good reason to take your time when you are dating!
In practice this translates into something like this:
1) No physical contact, kissing, sex, etc. for the first many dates. One of the dangers of having sex right away is that the energy of flirting and the sex can be so powerful that it interferes with your ability to think and judge clearly. And this can make it very difficult for you to assess your own and the other person’s level of consciousness – and ascertain whether you are a good match or not.
So no sex for the first many dates – for example, no sex the first 10 dates or the first couple of months! And even after the first kiss, it’s still a good idea to move forward slowly. So if you start kissing on date number 10, then wait with the sex until date number 20 – that is if you are still seeing each other after so many dates!
Sex is one of the most intimate things two human beings can do together which is why it is very important to make sure you can be intimate on the inner plane first so that you know you are able to treat each other with respect and love on the inner plane.
So remember: First inner intimacy (i.e. getting to know each other really well) and then outer (physical) intimacy.
2) Get to know each other slowly. Don’t meet at your place or the other person’s place on the first many dates. Meet somewhere neutral like a café. If you really think you feel good together after just a few meetings, well go out to dinner or go for a walk in the woods or something like that. And then if you still feel good together well then you can go to the next step which is going home to each other. But go slowly!
Another advantage of going slowly is that it will enable you to experience the other person in different situations at different times in their life during the period and learn more about what is going on in this person’s life. And this will enable you to see how she/he is dealing with it. Which can be very revealing. Because it’s not what’s happening in a person’s life that determines how awake a person is, but how a person relates to what’s happening. So if you go slowly, you’ll get more of a chance to see this clearly too.
Happy dating!”
One of the best focus tools of all is gratitude, quite simply because thoughts of gratitude are the best thoughts of all! Why are thoughts of gratitude the best thoughts of all? Because life is a gift! And feeling gratitude brings you closer to the truth about life. It’s as simple as that. Life, this amazing thing we call life, has simply been given to us! And it’s ours! The gift of life! And we’ve done absolutely nothing to deserve it. It’s simply beyond comprehension when we actually try to understand that we have life! That life is ours. That we are alive. Living, breathing, being, right now today, right this very moment. Unfortunately, most of us are so busy running around like chickens without our heads that we rarely, if ever, notice that we have been given the gift of life.
What have we done to deserve this?
What have you done to deserve this?
What have I done to deserve this?
What have any of us done?
It’s beyond doing, isn’t it?
It’s beyond mind-boggling.
Look, here I am. Look, there you are! Look! There is this. This! Sitting here. This. This! With this body, this mind, these fingers typing away at this keyboard to you whoever or whatever you are that is reading this… it is just beyond comprehension. Isn’t it? And not only that, it’s such an adventure too. Can you see that? Can you feel it? Deep inside you? Can you see the amazing way it’s been set up for us so that everything—and I mean everything—is happening for us. Can you see that now? How it is all unfolding just for you? And that you haven’t done anything whatsoever to deserve it and you don’t have any idea what it is or where it’s going. And you don’t even know what’s going to happen a minute from now even though we like to think we do. But in reality, do we? So it’s always an adventure for us, isn’t it? We’re always in the middle of a great adventure. And then it changes again… So yes, grateful thoughts, the prayer of gratitude, the song of gratitude, the melody of gratitude, however you find it, however you sing it or express it… go there and do it! It’s your birthright we’re talking about here, the reason why you want to live, the thing that makes your heart sing, the mystery, the magic, the melody, the love, the joy… Gratitude is the open door to all of it. Gratitude! But only you can walk through the door of gratitude for you. (From my book, "The Awakening Human Being")
The Danes are pretty obsessed with the fact that they are supposed to be among the “happiest” people in the world. (Is that true?) But the big question of course is how do we measure happiness? When it comes to measuring happiness, many countries in Europe are now planning to introduce a national “happiness” standard or measuring system. In connection with this, Danish National Radio invited a group of so-called “experts” to talk about Danish happiness and how we measure it. I was also invited to give my comments because many of my books such as “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” deal with this subject!
Here is what I said:
“In order for Denmark to measure national happiness, we first have to define what we mean by happiness… and that is something I have thought a lot about because for many years now I’ve been exploring the nature of consciousness and the way our minds work – and what this means for our happiness.
And I’ve discovered that even though everyone wants to be happy, most people are seeking happiness in the wrong place. And we do this because we don’t understand the way the mind works. I also discovered that despite what most people believe, our experience of happiness is not dependent on outer circumstances and on the things that happen in our lives. Our happiness is dependent on our thoughts and beliefs about the things that are happening to us and for us. In other words, our happiness depends on whether we believe something is good or bad. But most people are not aware of this important mechanism and they believe that it is outer circumstances and what they have or don’t have in their lives, which is the reason why they are happy or unhappy. In other words, most people believe their happiness depends on outer conditions like their partner, their job, their finances, how and where they live, their age, weight, appearance, health and so on.
But if we look a little more closely we will discover that this is not true. The outer circumstances or conditions which make one person happy can make another person unhappy. Let’s take a concrete example… For many people in Denmark (and in the rest of the world for that matter) living in a 3-room apartment here in Wonderful Copenhagen would simply be pure happiness. Most people would consider it a dream come true to live here in the center of Copenhagen with all the shops and cafes and close to the seaside. But if you are now living in a large house by the beach on the Danish Riviera just north of Copenhagen and must suddenly move from your house to a 3-room apartment in Copenhagen, you probably won’t think it’s so wonderful. So here we can clearly see that the happiness has nothing to do with the apartment itself but with the thoughts and expectations a person has as to how they should live in order to be happy.
And this is why I often say the quickest route to happiness is to want what you have…!
And this mechanism is working in all areas of our lives… The way we experience our relationships, our jobs, our finances, our health, our age, our weight…. If you believe something is good and it meets your expectations, well then you are happy. And if you believe something is not good and it doesn’t live up to your expectations, well then you are unhappy. It’s as simple as that.
And if we then add to the above, all the insane expectations and demands most people have in Denmark today as to what they “need” or “should have” in order to be happy – all the outer conditions that should be in a certain way for them to be happy – well then it’s no wonder that so many people in Denmark are so stressed out and unhappy. Here are some of the latest statistics from Denmark (where everyone claims they are so happy!).
Out of a national population of 5 million people:
Approximately…
350,000 Danes – nearly 1 in 10 Danes – are suffering from anxiety
350,000 Danes are taking anti-depressants or other mood-stabilizing medications
200,000 Danes are suffering from depression
75,000 Danes have eating disorders
250,000 Danes are suffering from stress
500,000 feel “burnt out” at their jobs
250,000 Danes are drinking so much alcohol daily that they need treatment
This is why it is so important that we all take a closer look at all the unrealistic expectations and demands we have as to what we “need” to be happy – and instead look at the way our minds work. Because only here will we find the key to happiness.
And when we do this – when we understand the way our minds work – when we understand that happiness is an inner event which is not dependent on outer circumstances, then we discover to our great surprise and joy that happiness is in fact our true nature. And that it’s only all our insane expectations and beliefs about what we need to be happy that are keeping us from being happy right now! It’s the great paradox!
So if you want to measure the national happiness in Denmark today, you would have to measure how many people in Denmark understand the way the mind works!”