that guy over there...

you had to be there: can't make this shit up...

2010-02-08T01:10:09-05:00

so i was walking up my block making my way home from work. coming from the opposite direction were two guys (a black guy and an asian guy). i assumed they were together until the black guy kept on walking and the asian gentleman turned to go up my neighbor's driveway. he then walked out and began to walk up my driveway. intrigued, i didn't stop him. i just stood and watched.

he took a few steps past the large bunch of hedges (i'll try to remember to take a pic of it tomorrow so youse understand) to the right of the driveway towards the hedges that act as a fence between the neighbor and me. he then jumped into the hedges, getting most of the way through to the neighbor's side. as he wiggled himself free he smashed his head on a car in their driveway.

after about 5 minutes he got himself up and began yelling at the car in a language other than english. he then bent over and puked his brains out. after puking he went back to yelling at the car while pacing from its front to its back.

five more minutes of that and i lost interest. much like you just did. g'night!

puff...

2010-02-06T19:48:43-05:00

so my sister and father came up to visit with my niece and nephew. had an awesome weekend with them. i love my family very much, but quite literally hate where they live. i get down there more often because of the kids now, but it's always awesome and preferable for them to come here. sadly my mom and brother in law couldn't make it up due to work and school, but we had a great time anyway.

that said, i'm incredibly sore after spending two days tossing this 44 pound pile of energy around for her amusement. she's cute as hell and i enjoy making her laugh, enough so that my energy picks up and i don't get tired, but damn does it suck the days after. i'm not a fan of massages (mostly because i don't like strangers touching me) but i could certainly use one today.

here's a couple of things i though of while playing with my awesome god daughter...

she's the perfect size: if she were to stop growing today, she's really an awesome height to be a hilarious midget. i'm not certain how tall she is, but i'm 5'11 and she's a little bigger than waist high on me. she'd make an awesome pet.

i'm not incredibly certain why that popped into my head, but it did. after laughing at the thought, most of my family told me how demented it was that i came up with it. i agree, but it confirms to me what i already knew...my family are some sick mother fuckers and that's why i love em.

it'd be funny, but sad if she hit her head: at one point at my aunt's house i was throwing her up, catching her and rolling her to the ground in one motion. i had complete control of this operation and it went perfectly well, but i could help but think "holy shit it would suck it i threw her too hard" and "holy shit it would suck if i dropped her."

that's when the scenarios started running through my head. often with family (but not this trip as i'm attempting to take february off) i'm good for a drink or twelve. i started thinking that if i had a beverage in me and forgot my own strength, i could easily toss her too high banging her head on my aunts fairly low ceiling. it was also possible that even though i provided a safe landing on my legs and positioned my feet to cradle her head, she could come down too hard and hit it anyway or possibly miss.

this made me sad for a second. i'd be devastated if i dropped her or tossed her so hard she wound up injured. then it made me laugh uncontrollably. see, see has a very loud, infectious laugh. she was laughing like crazy and screaming "again uncle christopher" or "throw me more!" i thought about how my first reaction if this laughter stopped would probably be to laugh my ass off.

i imagined a video of my incredibly cute, laughing niece being thrown a few times and loving life only to be tossed high, hit her head and plop to the floor. of course the plopping and falling would be done by a doll, i'm not sick enough to actually hurt her, but i'm sure i could coach her into making the appropriate noises.

just think about that on america's funniest home...i mean youtube. yeah, it'd go viral.

she's a giant recorder for all the horrible things i do with unlimited memory: sure, it's not just her it's any kid, but i'll be damned if she isn't somehow in the right spot to hear and see things she shouldn't. once she does she becomes a ticking time bomb. is she going to imitate what she just saw or heard which is clearly inappropriate but likely funny to her (and therefor to me) but will get her in trouble, or is she going to run off and tell her mother and get me in trouble?

she knows how to drive a joke into the ground: kids are like the writers for family guy. they take a joke, make it funny, run it so far into the ground that it stops being funny and then somehow resurrect it by not stopping.

last night for some reason i taught my niece to do a fist pound. she liked that. then i taught her how to blow it up. and that set her off. must have been the combination of the action (fist pound), reaction (blowing up), and the sound she made when she did it that got her goin, but i'll be damned if i didn't blow up more fists last night with my niece than i have in 30 years on this planet.

then again the pound has only been around for the last 7 or so, but still that's double how long she has been around...

oh and she's got a brother. he's 1 and finally real personish enough to be pretty cool too. that's a story about a kid i love that you don't necessarily care about for another day...

randoms...

2010-02-03T20:56:52-05:00

three ideas for posts popped into my head today. i started writing all three only to be interrupted for whatever reason here at work. when i eventually got back to them, i stopped because they all sucked or i had lost interest in caring about them. makes me wonder if any of them would have been any good.

instead, here are some randoms. shit that stream of consciously pops out of my head...

lost: watched lost last night. will not watch lost any more. there is definitely more to come on lost, i am totally disappointed by how bad it sucked. and that's after i lowered expectations.

sweedish fish: someone dropped off a huge bag of them for one of my residents. by huge i mean a 30 ounce bag. i'm not certain what anyone would do with nearly 2 pounds of sweedish fish, but damn do i want to rip the bag open and have a few.

trying to be less fat: yup, that's me again. figure with a big vegas trip on the horizon, my cousins wedding, and then mikie's wedding this is a good year to not be a fat slob. fat's ok, but the slob part isn't. this is the main reason i haven't ripped open the bag of sweedish fish.

the mets: like lost, i fear even the lowest of expectations won't be met by this team. they're doing the same shit as last year. they signed one player anyone gives a damn about and are saying the rest of the team is ok. last year was k-rod, this year is jason bay. we've not signed a decent bat for the bench, we've not gotten the starter we need, we've not made sure the bullpen will be able to get the game to k-rod on the off chance we have a lead. on the bright side, tickets on ebay should be about 50% off again this year.

typos: was reading an old post i made last night and found a spot i typed "teh" instead of "the." i can't begin to tell you how enraging this is. not making the typo itself, because i do that constantly, but realizing that i didn't catch it. why is it that i don't see typos and misspellings until i've actually made the post (or in this case nearly a year later)?

the words "sexy" and "creepy": i have been using them far too much lately. i have no idea why. it's kind of annoying. then again every time i criticize myself for using them again, i find a way to justify why it was appropriate.

asses: i'm an ass man. i like the female ass very much. don't get me wrong, i like all female parts, but asses in particular. i'm thinking it's because, in general, a sexy girl will not notice you staring at her ass unless you're being creepy about it. if you stare at her breasts, it's kind of happening right in her face. in fact she'll likely notice you staring at her breasts because you're not looking at her face. don't get me wrong, i'd never tell a girl to put her breasts away if she took them out. i'd be very thankful. i'm just saying i'd rather check out her ass.

yes i did that on purpose: there wasn't going to be a quiz or anything but i'm chuckling and yes that was my justification for doing it.

superbowl: i want the saints to win. unfortunately, i think the colts will win. in the end i'd bet the over and just hope my boxes' numbers come up.

easiest job in america: thanks to lewis black, i used to think the easiest job in america was weatherman in san diego. after thinking about it, i'm pretty sure it's being quarterback's coach of the indianapolis colts. seriously, what are you teaching peyton manning?

done: wow, seems that hour went fast and it is time for me to eat. pic (what are the odds it's a redhead with a nice ass?) , spell check, and possibly more later. i'm out.

sometimes you get what you wish for...

2010-02-02T04:18:27-05:00

this haiku's for rose
newest and sole super fan
hope she enjoys it

maybe more than one
i suppose she deserves it
for being so nice

don't know much 'bout her
save for some guilty pleasures
learned them yesterday

sleeping in the buff
eating pie 'specially cream
and kissing hot girls

wow what a threesome
doin' those things together
would make post secret

another pleasure
yeah gotta make that happen
fun for all involved

hope you liked em dear
seems your wish was my command
don't get used to it

smiley face goes here
because i'm only kidding
or am i really?

goodnight one and all
specifically to rose
my muse for this post

you had to be there: no parking...

2010-01-30T17:47:07-05:00

hey look it's another "yhtbt"! as if that's not the least memorable acronym in the history of acronyms (slightly ahead of CCCP. you're russia. just fucking say russia.). as per the norm, i find a new toy to play with, drive it into the ground and never see it again (remember "take the day thursday" "games i play" and "spewing bile"?). but i've been pretty busy and this "remember a brief conversation and post it with the disclaimer no one will find it funny and that's what makes it funny" works for me.

so as we all may or may not know, i work at an apartment building. my friend j used to work there too. he was at the door. someone came and asked him about parking...

person: hi, can i park there? *points outside*
j: what does the sign say?
person: i just want to know if i can park there.
j: i don't know, i can't read either.

and while we're on the subject, let's share a convo my friend brian wished he had. this didn't actually happen except for in a fantasy not unlike j.d. from scrubs.

person: do you have a parking spot for me?
brian: excuse me?
person: i want to park outside do you have a spot for me?
brian: well, i am keeper of the parking spots, let me pull out my book and see if we have an opening for you. *pause* oh yes, there'll be a spot on 46th and 2nd opening in 12 minutes. should i put you down for it?

you had to be there: cvs green bag tag

2010-01-26T21:11:20-05:00

so today (since i have little else to say) we're going to start a new way for me to milk content. it's called "you had to be there." basically it will be stories and conversations that amused me (and other people who were there), but aren't quite strong enough to hold up as a stand alone story.

often times key information such as facial expressions or actions that can't properly be described will be left out, thus ruining any real chance you will find it humourous.

we will then both sit awkwardly as you wonder why i even put something so unfunny on my supposedly humour blog. this will amuse me as i enjoy awkward situations.

so i went to cvs the other day...

register guy: would you like to buy a green bag tag?
me: no thanks
register guy: it will save you a dollar every 4 times you use it.
me: no, it's ok.
register guy: why not?
me: i'd never remember to use it.
register guy: but it will save you a dollar.
me: not if i forget to use it.
register guy: but it's attached to your keys
me: i don't carry keys...i'd lose em if i did.

and with that he let me go.

look at me i'm with coco...!

2010-01-18T19:34:20-05:00

we all know the story, right? 5 years ago in an attempt to keep conan o'brien on their network, in their 12:35 time slot, nbc promised mr. o'brien that he would be the host of the tonight show when they kicked jay leno off of it.

fast forward to now, nbc has decided that since jay leno's show sucks at 10pm and david letterman is kicking conan's ass at 11:35, they're going to go ahead and move leno's show to 11:35. doing that would push conan back to 12:05 making the "tonight show" actually the "very early tomorrow show." this of course has made conan a very unhappy camper.

i don't blame him. that said, when it comes down to it (to steal liberally from vince mcmahon), "conan screwed conan."

why? how? simple.

1. 5 years ago conan had a chance to leave nbc. he likely would have gone to fox where he would have gotten his 11:35 slot. hell, he probably would have gotten an 11:00 slot as most fox affiliate run their news at 10. instead he chose to ignore what happened to the last guy nbc promised "the tonight show" and wait it out. why? because he was gonna make $40 million if he didn't get it. also maybe because it was his dream.

2. 5 years passed and jay leno was still the king of late night. i'm guessing no one foresaw this. clearly at some point david letterman (who is about 100 times funnier and more interesting than leno) would have overtaken him in the rating right? well, he didn't. leno was still killing him. instead of seeing this and allowing nbc to ignore the promise for the time being, conan went ahead and took command of the ship that was doing just fine without him. the ensuing shitstorm of basically kicking jay leno off the show was sure to endear leno's fans and make them watch conan, right?

3. conan then went on to not be funny. even andy richter, who was awesome on "late night", was less interesting. the dynamic of "late night" was lost. to appeal to a hopefully larger, definitely more main stream audience, conan had to be more mainstream himself. he had to give up his more edgy material. he had to be less quirky. those two facts made him less funny.

4. conan is very hit or miss. when he hits, it's hilarious. when he misses it can also be hilarious when he rips on himself. unfortunately the older audience at 11:45 doesn't really want to see some young guy not be funny and then pick on himself. i can appreciate it and so can many of my peers, but the larger more, mainstream, older folks can't. not yet at least. probably not ever.

5. about that audience. i'm willing to bet when the promise was made to give him the show, both he and the network assumed he would bring with him the younger audience he had enjoyed at 12:35. unfortunately that didn't happen. why? because he wasn't the same conan they were watching at 12:35. same guy? yes. same act? no. besides, most of his younger audience isn't even home at 11:35, they're still out drinking and now that he's not on at 12:35 they have no reason to be home till 1 now.

6. conan looks creepy in hd. i'm not sure why i never noticed it, perhaps the lighting is better on the new show than the old show or maybe it's because he's irish and getting too much sun in los angeles, but he's scary looking. from the red hair that is thinning so much they have to poof it up more than usual to his starting to get old irish person features (especially the sinking darkening shadows under the eyes), conan is just not easy to look at on today's high definition televisions. he's just about in the "frighten small children" zone.

don't get me wrong, i like conan. i found late night hilarious when i got around to watching it. i did check out his tonight show a few times and often found it lackluster. so i stopped caring. he has been awesome this last week. it's almost as if after seeing the writing on the wall, he said screw it and went back to being old conan. funny conan. though andy is still not the same. maybe he's staying quiet to avoid burning a bridge.

wow, so i just realized i wrote a thesis on why conan failed (and how it's his fault) instead of going with my original point of making fun of people who are "with coco."

the "i'm with coco" and "team conan" stuff is fairly amusing. between twitter and facebook and all the wonderful social networking sites i've seen people i know, people i follow, and people i couldn't give a shit less about but people i know or follow do are all on team conan! there are so many members of team conan you'd almost think he didn't have ratings so shitty that nbc (a network full of shows with shitty ratings) can't wait to get rid of him.

people are flocking to conan's cause faster than they do to the natural disaster of the week (haiti...thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers). everyone just loves conan! he's the best! the funniest! no show is better than his! except for letterman which they're all watching at 11:30 if they're watching at all. oh...

so what i'm wondering is if everyone who is "with coco" now was WATCHING coco then, would we even be discussing this? i submit that we would not.

moving on...

sadly for conan, once he gets out of his contract, sits a brief "no compete," and winds up on fox around the start of next football season, everyone who's on team conan will have forgotten they were enraged that nbc booted him. he'll have a strong debut week, his first half hour numbers will be great with adults 18-35 for a month, and he won't matter at 11:35. just like he doesn't now.

that is, unless fox lets him be real conan instead of dumbed down for the masses conan. even then his big ratings will come from tivo instead of nielson. unfortunately, all the tivo numbers tell advertisers is how many people aren't the ads they're paying for.

i'll be one of those guys.

go conan go!

the new york times is (reverse) racist...

2010-01-13T20:02:19-05:00

so it's that time for me to police the double standards when it comes to race.

this sentence appeared in the national section (specifically the middle of page a15 and this link) of today's new york times.

"But a recent decision by a black candidate to drop out of the 2010 mayor's race has made the possibility of a white man in the city's most powerful office startlingly real."

startlingly real? that a white man might be good enough to be mayor? oh my god! the world is going to end, a white man might be mayor!

now let's switch two words in that sentence and write one that would clearly get someone fired...

But a recent decision by a white candidate to drop out of the 2010 mayor's race has made the possibility of a black man in the city's most powerful office startlingly real.

yep, someone is definitely on the unemployment line for that one. and it works with any race or religion! look...

But a recent decision by a white candidate to drop out of the 2010 mayor's race has made the possibility of a hispanic man in the city's most powerful office startlingly real.

But a recent decision by a white candidate to drop out of the 2010 mayor's race has made the possibility of a asian man in the city's most powerful office startlingly real.

But a recent decision by a white candidate to drop out of the 2010 mayor's race has made the possibility of a muslim man in the city's most powerful office startlingly real.

But a recent decision by a white candidate to drop out of the 2010 mayor's race has made the possibility of a indian man in the city's most powerful office startlingly real.

the article goes on to quote someone as saying the prospect of a white mayor was “an earth-shaking event.” it goes on to quote another person as saying “It’s almost as big a deal as the prospect two years ago that we would have an African-American president of the United States.”

two years ago anyone writing that the possibility of a black man in the country's most powerful office was "startlingly real" would have been branded a racist and dragged through the mud in any possible media outlet.

it really does baffle me how this is ok. don't get me wrong, i don't give a shit who is in charge of anything. politicians are all the same to me...liars. it doesn't matter if he's white, black, asian, or a mix of every single race out there. if (s)he's a politician (s)he's going to lie to you.

i just wish someone would explain to me why this article is ok because i just know if it were written the other way around it wouldn't be.

lowered expectations, obama, domino's, and the dead like me movie...

2010-01-10T19:55:35-05:00

lowered expectations. it's not just a mad tv bit, it's a way of life. as a pessimist, i generally believe all things will go horribly wrong. when people tell me i should be an optimist and look on the bright side of things, i ask them why. they generally come up with some sort of "positive thinking is good" mumbo jumbo and i usually reply to the effect of "but if i think it will suck, i can never be disappointed." lowered expectations are important for all of us. they allow us to say "well, it's not that bad" or "it could be worse" instead of "what the fuck is this shit?"

let's take our president. i voted for him. i'll be honest, i wasn't incredibly pleased with myself for doing so, but i figured if he was half as good as the hype he built up for himself it wouldn't be too bad. sadly, the only change i've noticed is that there's a younger black man lying to me instead of an older white man.

"change," "hope," "yes we can," were his three catch phrases. oh he talked on and on about those things. he was going to pull all of our troops out of the places bush invaded, he was going to give us universal health care and make sure the negotiations would be on c-span, he was going to get a dog from a shelter, and i'm sure there's a bunch more. as it turned out, he lied about it all. not only are the troops not coming home, he sent more. universal health care is a pipe dream and the negotiations will most definitely not be publicized. the dog? well it didn't come through a shelter that's for damn sure. it technically does count as a rescue dog because some rich person pretended to want it only to give it back so the president could have a rescue dog.

and yes, i know he's probably done some good. but this is being written from a negative point of view so i wouldn't name any of it if i could think of any (there was some, right? please tell me there was some.)

all in all though, he hasn't done a horrible job. you may not be able to tell, but i'm generally much less unhappy with the government now than i was with bush in office. i'm just saying had he lowered expectations a little we might all think he's doing a great job.

instead of "all the troops will come home" he should have said "i'd hate to have them there much longer but they may be." instead of "health care for all" he should have said "do you really want to be like canada?" and instead of "i'm getting a dog from a shelter!" he should have said "c'mon, i'm gonna be the fucking president. are you an idiot?" or i guess he could have said "hey middle america, watch how you forget about all that shit when i hire a tranny!"

i'm for everyone having rights and all, but quite frankly some dude who said "i want to chop my dick off" probably shouldn't be in charge of anything...

and then there's domino's new pizza. i tried it today. why? because there were so many fucking commercials telling me how great it was that i felt i needed to. the verdict? meh...

i'll give it one thing, it smells fucking fantastic. i love garlic. anything that smells or tastes like garlic is a-ok in my book. they did nail the garlic butter smell. that of course is suspect in itself. sure they nailed the smell, but often when a giant corporation makes it and it smells good, it rarely tastes good.

i got two pies. because they were $5.99 each and there's a few guys to feed here. let's go bit by bit over the new improved domino's...

crust: smells extra garlicky. tastes like fake garlic butter. it's as if they stole that nasty stuff papa john's includes with every pie and poured it all over the crust. if you lift a slice you can even see where the extra garlic butter stuff soaked in. i'm fairly positive it's not real butter which means it's probably the same as movie theater fake butter which is loaded with fat and chemicals and ultimately gives you heartburn.

cheese: it's supposed to be better. i can't tell. it definitely didn't meld with the sauce the way a real pizza should. instead it sort of floated above it. one bite rips a good portion of it off the slice. never a good thing.

sauce: i guess it's better. can't really tell. it tastes tomato-ey. so i guess that's good.

all in all it wasn't bad enough to ask them for my money back (as they promised) but not good enough to make me ever think "let me get domino's" when i want a pizza. if i ever order from them, and i will, i'll stick to the thin crust because at least that tastes like a yummy pizza flavoured cracker.

i just wish they hadn't hyped it so much. hype gave it something to live up to and it failed. had the commercials said "hey we have new pizza. it's not as shitty as the old stuff we used to make." my review would be an astoundingly positive "definitely less shitty!" it just feels wrong to describe something that's not that good as "better."

finally we have the dead like me movie "life after death." i had recently started watching dead like me again thanks to netflix streaming. dead like me was an awesome show with great writing and attractive women. as it turns out it was based on a book by piers anthony. i wound up reading it because someone who used to be special in my world told me to. she never fulfilled her half of the deal though which i guess should have told me much sooner than i figured out that she didn't deserve to be special.

wow, where did that come from?

anyway, i was excited when i heard the movie was coming out. then heard nothing about it for 2 years. after watching a couple of episodes on demand, i decided to throw the dvd sets on my goozex want list and own them. when searching for "dead like me" the movie came up. the movie? wow. it came out. so i looked it up on amazon.

the folks at amazon were none too pleased with it. because of that, instead of purchasing it, i went to netflix and found it on demand. i watched it last night. what did i think? it wasn't that bad. was it good? would i say you should go watch it? no, not really. don't go out of your way.

it had most of the right ingredients, but it mixed them up in weird ways. it was basically a longer episode of the show but more fluff than substance. they spent a good amount of time reliving the first episode which was good for newbies but then gave those people no reason to want more. for those who'd been watching since the beginning it had reasons to smile and some almost closure. it was definitely better than the people who said "omg this sucks and is nothing like the show, they ruined it!"

it did have one bright spot though. britt mckillip (who occupies the spot up top normally reserved for a redhead). she plays reggie the main character's younger sister. she became smokin hot in the time the series was off the air.

decent writing, 2 hot girls who spent most of the flick on screen together, and tie ins to a show i loved. yeah, that was a good movie. like obama, domino's, it could have been better, but because everyone said it would suck it came out smellin like roses.

and that my friends, is why lowered expectations are important...

football friday (week 17: happy new year edition)...!

2010-01-02T21:36:49-05:00

i was gonna do a quickie picks only post, but when i went to the post website there was a box talking about potential candidates to replace simon cowell on american idol. apparently a guy named piers morgan is the favourite to replace him. this got me thinking...who the hell is piers morgan?

the name itself sounds like the ultimate unlikable douchebag name. in fact, i think anytime i see a dude who's just a dick i'm going to pretend his name is piers. who wouldn't want to punch a guy named piers? the thought of it is making me giddy like a school girl as we speak.

then it's time to wonder, who would want simon cowell's job? i mean how do you answer the ad that says "wanted: one unlikable asshole to ruin the dreams of young attractive people."

wait a second, that sounds like an amazing job...

in any case, lines from the post, home team in CAPS.

VIKINGS -9 over giants
bengals +10 over JETS
COLTS +8.5 over bills
saints +3 over PANTHERS
jaguars +1.5 over BROWNS
eagles +3 over COWBOYS
bears -3 over LIONS
patriots +8 over TEXANS
steelers -3 over DOLPHINS
49ers -7 over RAMS
falcons -2.5 over BUCS
CARDINALS -3 over packers
BRONCOS -12 over chiefs
ravens -10.5 over RAIDERS
CHARGERS -3.5 over redskins
titans -4 over SEAHAWKS