Yes… It’s finally happening… Facebook will file papers for an initial public offering as early as next week and is looking at a deal that would value the social network between $75 billion to $100 billion. Gasp fucking gasp. I am so excited, my Depends are leaking at the seams. Firstly, ‘cos ZuckerNozzle will become the richest guy in the universe, and will actually have more money than Larry Ellison has buried in the back yard of his Woodside Ninja Palace. Meanwhile, his sister, Randi ZuckerNozzle, was singing for free drinks in Davos, with all the other rich wankers (including the Poisoned Dwarf) that never worked an honest day in their lives. Just how the fuck do you get to join this club? In the meantime, check out this Henry Blodget piece on a conversation at Davos between a couple of RichNozzles about whether it's better to buy a brand new $65 million plane, or a refurbished one. Problems… Problems… 

Randi who???

So, the big news for shopaholics is that J.C. Penney is getting rid of sales. Instead, they will have a three-tiered system of “everyday,” “month-long value” and “best price” items. Apparently, “this is to confront intensifying price competition driven by recent consumer price-checking capabilities.” In other words, it’s to stop you using your iToy to check in-store prices before ordering your shit from Amazon for half the price. So, how the fuck does this three tier thing change that? Anyway, everything in America is always on sale, especially politicians. And because everything in J.C. Penney will have special tags for the pricing system, with red tags for “everyday” prices, white for “month-long value” and blue for “best price” if you’re color blind… Your fucked! 

Even the Monsters are "Best Price!"

Well, here we are, nine days from kick off for the “Super Bowl of Advertising,” with a bit of football thrown in… And we’ve already seen virtually all the commercials. So what’s the point of watching. Better yet, what’s the point of blowing more than three fucking million dollars to buy thirty seconds of time? Remember that once upon a time, the dick head who runs GoDaddy, when he’s not slaughtering elephants, would purposely do outrageously dumb and sexist ads, so they would be banned by the network, but looked at a million times on YouTube, as teenage wankers hunted for nude Danica pics. Never forget, 1984, the world’s most famous spot only ran once. That’s one of the reasons why it’s so iconic. It became an event in its own right. Now, BDC’s and their BDA’s would not only run the shit out of it. They would have totally destroyed its impact thanks to YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and NozzleFriend. (That’s one I’m starting next week. Investors should send money immediately for this once in a lifetime opportunity!) Anyway, there isn’t a client alive today that would sign off on a spot remotely resembling 1984. Actually, there isn’t a single agency that would even let you show it to a client. Time to take Miss Van Der Volt for cocktails.

The Go-Daddy creative team gets ready to "Rumble!" 

 

 

As you well know, I get a shitload of PR releases from douchenozzles wanting me to promote their pathetic new biz win/fucktard/campaign/book/video/viral/wank/whatever… As expected, I usually ignore them. But today, I got one I am prepared to pimp. Not for money (but for lots a loot, I could be tempted) No this one, ‘cos it came from a guy sporting the name… Zach Taiji! One that leaves my old mate Johnny Vulcan of Anomaly gasping in the dust… Even better, Zach is pimping a video for Benihana, the original fake Japanese restaurants that started in New York in the sixties… Yeah, back in my original Mad Man days. This was the joint you could take an impressionable young secretary to and get her well liquored up while the Japanese chef (name of Jose, born in the Bronx) would do the twirling blades routine, while frying the frozen shrimp on the hot plate. And if that didn’t work, you could head downtown to Max’s Kansas City Steakhouse. Ha, the good old days. Anyway… Benihana is still going strong. By the way, I am absolutely convinced the guy in the dark glasses at the begining of the video is me. Well, if not, it should be.

How would you like your dog prepared, madam?

I’ve just re-read the AdAge article about the GM media switch that lit the fuse under my arse a few days ago. Apart from all the points I spelled out in my last post, I really have to wonder if Joel Nozzle is losing his fucking marbles. Apart from his “We should have done this years ago” quote, when asked about the situation with Goodby, he replied "The creative side is even more complicated than the media." Ouch, that does not bode well for GS+P. They have already hived off digital to Mother (no doubt to be done out of their London office in keeping the true spirit of Joel’s International commitment.) And, he’s already crowdsourced one of the Super Bowl spots. Unfortunately, not Miss Van Der Volt! And in reference to the five spots GM will run during the game, he said… "It's almost like running a political campaign." Oh boy! And we know how ugly they can be. A word of advice… Joel, don’t even consider a future move to political advertising. After handing a $3 billion US taxpayer funded account to a bunch of Limeys and Frogs, I doubt if even the “Herminator” would hire you.

The comatose gentleman in the corner used to advertise cars. Now the poor chap peddles corrupt politicians!

First of all, I have cleaned up my last post. I apologize. got carried away and said fuck way too many times… Yes, even for AdScam. It’s just that this whole GM media thing has got me so mad, and obviously, based on emails and comments, it’s upset a lot of others too.

Let me make a couple of points. GM exists today because the US taxpayer baled them out. If we hadn’t there would have been no media account to place anywhere. We still own 28% of the company. To naive me, this implies a certain obligation.

I know GM used a non US media conglomerate before. So what? Why does that determine they should continue to do so?

Someone points out that the income from the $3 billion is only 1% (still a big chunk of change) That those planning and buying the media will be based in the US (Right… No one off-shores shit do they?) That the money will all be spent in the US (Not true. This is a GLOBAL account. GM spends a ton in overseas markets. Not $3 billion in the US.)

And that maybe we should be concentrating on making a stink about the fact that GM manufactures vehicles outside the US. Why? This is a blog about ADVERTISING and the current fucked up state of the business.

Which leads to my final point… As you well know, I have repeatedly ranted about how the bean counters running the BDHC’s have ruined the business by concentrating solely on the bottom line, rather than the quality and effectiveness of what is produced by the agencies they control. Now we have Joel Ewanick, the Global Marketing Director of GM doing the same thing… And doing it on the day the President of the USA, as part of his State of the Union address, uses GM as an example of how we are protecting American Industry, and the millions working in it. He even said they should have done it years ago. Bullshit.

Sorry GM. Sorry Joel. You just spit in America’s eye. 

Over fucked it!

 

Fellow AdScamers, please join me in sending GM and Joel Ewanick Nozzle to the trashcan of history. Let me explain. I don’t care if L.L. Bean wants to advertise their duck decoys through a Tawainise ad agency… Or, if Martha Stewart wants to book the media for her genuine down comforter Easter promotion through a media buyer in Kabul… They can. It’s called free enterprise. But, when the US taxpayer has baled out GM to the tune of uber billions of dollars, I would expect them to be PR smart enough not to give the $3 billion media account to a non US company… THAT’S FUCKING DUMB!!! Lots of people (based on emails) seem to agree with me… However, a couple don’t. That’s their privilege. So, I intend to start the “AdScam Program to fuck GM in the Arse.” Or, perhaps something with a less gross title ( I am open to sugestions) I need your help on this… it’s our collective livelyhood we are talking about here. Honestly, all bullshit apart. We have to do something about this. And, we have to do it before it is too late. Please join me. Let us drive the fuckers from the tundra... Then we will celebrate over hearty cocktails. 

The AdScam congess devoted to fucking GM and Joel will now come to order!

 

 

Dave Tutin, who is a long standing AdScamer, has a great post on his blog concerning Joel Ewanick’s gift of the $3 billion GM media account to London based Aegis/Carat. As he points out, the President made a point in his State of the Union address about how we baled out GM with tax payer dollars and saved thousands of jobs. With the move of an account this size to the UK based company, the income, profit and jobs created will do little if anything for the US economy. And lets face it, media management, planning and placement, isn’t exactly rocket science. They could have cleaned up one of GM’s empty factories in Detroit, staffed it with a few hundred out of work MBA’s, fed ‘em on pizza and Red Bull, and voila, job fucking done, deep… Or something like that.

Show me this Joel Ewanick Nozzle Fucker!

So, GM has decided to put it’s $3 billion media account with Aegis/Carat. In the words of GM Global Chief Marketing Nozzle, Joel Ewanick. "Carat has an innovative approach to drive significant marketing value, and their service model has been tailored to align well with our global and regional brands. They are uniquely positioned to help us form strong media partnerships and drive significant global efficiencies." In other words, they came in with the world’s cheapest fucking deal. Am I the only to notice that GM is an American company, which, only a couple of years ago, was baled out of the shit it was about to drown in by the American taxpayer… And Aegis is a UK group trading on the London Stock Exchange! Does this mean that when the Chevy creative review is finaly settled, we can expect to see the iconic US auto brand being serviced out of London by a bunch of Cockney gits?

Fancy a Chevy, me old cock?

I must say, the American health care system is a bit of a mystery to me, even though I have worked on hospitals, drugs, insurance and every other scam BDA’s can make money on. In fact, I have a whole chapter on the subject in “The Ubiquitous Persuaders.” So, I was amused to read in today’s New York Times that many hospitals are flogging luxury suits to rich fuckers ready to cough up to $4,500 a night while getting their titanium arse transplant from ace surgeon, Dr. Gerwurstreminer. Here’s an example.. Nancy Hemenway, a senior financial services executive, said “I was supposed to be in Buenos Aires last week taking tango lessons, but unfortunately I hurt my back, so I’m here with my concierge. I’m perfectly at home here, totally private, totally catered. I have a primary-care physician who also acts as ringmaster for all my other doctors. And I see no people in training — only the best of the best.” You have to sympathise though, it’s really fucked up the poor woman’s tango lesson schedule. 

And I'd had this fabulous dress specially made!