Staying with the “Agency of the Past,” Draft/FCB has shifted an AccountNozzle, Rahul Roy from Yum brands… “I ate the fucking bones” to run their new L.A. office. The intention is to make the L.A. office bigger than the Orange County office, which will now be merely a broom closet for buckets etc., after people have “shit their pants because their ass is too big.” Anxious to read all the good news, I proceeded, post haste to the Draft/FCB Web site… Unfortunately, there is no reference whatsoever to the L.A. Office, or any information as to exactly where in La La Land this emporium of filthily gross pun-ology will be situated. Someone will be made to eat their big ass shit boneless pants for this!

Draft/FCB wins new account. A perfect fit says Boschetto!

They’ve done it again… In their continuing quest to get to the bottom of the reeking toilet bowl of advertising, Draft/FCB has come up with another stunner “BIG ASS SAVINGS!” No doubt this will pull a trillion hits on YouTube. Thereby proving that the only thing worse than a Big Dumb Agency is a TMC (Totally Moronic Consumer.) The people responsible for this travesty should be stood against a wall and shot with shit… Preferably from a Big Ass. We should start a movement to stop these fuckers besmirching what used to be a great business. And if anyone comments that shit like this does the job, and is therefore OK, they are a Big Ass Cockholster!

Draft/FCB creatives research their latest campaign!

Once again, at yet another fucking ad conference (do any of these people every go to the office?) The Poisoned Dwarf is dispensing pearls of wisdom. He is now informing us that “The media has become more important than the message!” Marshall McLuhan must be spinning in his grave; after all he did make that proposition nearly sixty fucking years ago in 1964 in “Understanding Media.” Yes, I know His Gnomeship pulls down the big bucks, but occasionally, I wish he would shut his “cockholster!” That’s my new favorite word as a replacement for “piehole.” An AdScamer sent it to me. Feel free to offer improvements. Yes… We are one big happy family here!

As a youth, Sorrell drove his Dad apeshit!

In the ever proliferating area of Global Brand Ambassador – Creative Consultant – Uber Wank Representative – Whatever… News on the street is that J-Lo has entered into a Mobilo – Enricho – Exclusivo – Partnership with Verizon to create a mobile company aimed at the Latino market. Apparently, the idea behind this venture is to offer an enriched customer retail experience. Oh, yes indeed, what a truly original enriched idea! The fact that everything JLo has endorsed or promoted in the past has been a fucking disaster, should in no way stop people from continuing to pedal this shit! 

JLoLaBumBaLoola

Big response to my post about P&G tightening the thumbscrews on their respective BDA’s. Let me re-emphasize a couple of things I have beaten the shit out of for the last couple of hundred years. As I spell out in the first chapter of my previous opus… “The Ubiquitous Persuaders,” Advertising is the second oldest profession in the world… And we all know what the first is! The so-called management of BDA’s, and their respective BDHC’s will sell their first born, prostitute their wives, and take it up the arse for the chance of landing a big account. Having won it (usually at a great expense, never to be recovered) they will then allow the BDC to humiliate, penny pinch, and generally fuck them over… The phrase du jour is “Launching a major ROI review.” But it still means what it has always meant… Taking it up the arse. That’s why the world’s dumbest business continues to get dumber!

Don't fuck with creatives!!!

My old AD partner, “G.I.Joe,” points out that a new study by Pew (as in phew) Research has discovered that teens are increasingly beginning to realize that Facebook is a giant wank, and so are switching to Twitter. Not only because there are fewer parents and old farts over the age of 20 on Zuckernozzle’s giant scam, but also because having to put together their asinine drivel in just 140 characters, presents less of an “intellectual” challenge. Anyway, neither has a “Porn/Quotient” to match Tumblr… Right Melissa… Nudge, nudge, wink, wink!

Does she like Tumblr... Know what I mean?

In yet another ominous sign that BDC’s are continuing to drive six inch nails into the heads of their BDA’s, news the other day that the biggest BDC of them all, P&G is “Launching a major ROI review” to measure how the five fucking billion dollars it spends every year on advertising gets pissed away by the scum suckers on Mad Ave. Exactly how they will achieve actionable results from this exercise is a bit of a mystery. Unless you consider that the mere threat of going through this shitstorm will - A: Make P&G’s agencies bust their chops to prove their worth, and - B: Make them agree to deliver that worth for less. Is this a great fucking business, or what?

We're from P&G's ROI review board!

DidYa see the memo David Karp sent out to all the TumblrNozzles out there who might be laboring under the impression the 26 year old had taken the “King’s Shilling.” Or in this case, Melisa’s Mega-Millions, instead of sticking to his social network chastity vow? I underline the various example of Zit-Like verbiage…

Everyone, I’m elated to tell you that Tumblr will be joining Yahoo. Before touching on how awesome this is, let me try to allay any concerns: We’re not turning purple. Our headquarters isn’t moving. Our team isn’t changing. Our roadmap isn’t changing. And our mission – to empower creators to make their best work and get it in front of the audience they deserve – certainly isn’t changing. So what’s new? Simply, Tumblr gets better faster. The work ahead of us remains the same – and we still have a long way to go! – But with more resources to draw from. Yahoo is the original Internet Company, and Marissa and her team share our dream to make the Internet the ultimate creative canvas. I couldn’t be more excited to have her help. We also share a vision for Tumblr’s business that doesn’t compromise the community we love. Plus both our logos end with punctuation! As always, everything that Tumblr is, we owe to this unbelievable community. We won’t let you down.

Fuck yeah, David.

Sorry gotta go… The banks in Zurich close in thirty minutes. Do you have any fucking idea how much $350 million cash weighs?  OK, I added the last bit, the martinis made me do it. But, anyway you look at it, he's still a wanker!

David... You heard it here first!

Following on from my post about zero points for der Krauts entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, a fresh scandal appears to be brewing between Azerbaijan and Russia, ‘cos the Cossacks got “nul points” from Azerbaijan, even though the entire country did a tit-for-tat points trade after Russia gave Azerthingy maximum points. Fuck me, this might be about the world’s wankiest competition, but we could be looking at a swords drawn at dawn situation here. Azerbaijan's ambassador to Russia, Polad BulbulogluNozzle, disclosed that President AliyevNozzle had ordered an investigation and votes were being recounted. Obviously, the guilty will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, renditioned to Guantanamo, and never fucking heard from again. Dontcha just love democracy?

Rampant Russian Rappers!

So, it would appear that Apple has evaded several trillion gazillion dollars in taxes by running most of its business out of a virtual pub in Dublin. One of its Irish affiliates reported profits of $30 billion between 2009 and 2012, but because it did not technically belong to any country, it paid no taxes to any government. Another paid a tax rate of 0.05 percent in 2011 on $22 billion in earnings, which is just a tad under the U.S. corporate tax rate is 35 percent! Isn’t fucking capitalism great? Deep throats inform me that “The Irish Caper” was designed by “The Poisoned Dwarf” working as an off-the-books consultant from his Gramercy Park Love Nest. If WPP can fuck the UK taxpayer, why shouldn’t Apple fuck the US taxpayer? 

iYachts don't come cheap!