Tysto film commentaries

Star Wars 9: The Rise of Skywalker

email@tysto.com — Tue, 28 Apr 2020 04:14:07 +0000

Tweet Join Drew and me for yet another rollicking adventure with all your favorite characters from all the Star Wars movies–because THEY ARE ALL HERE. How? Visions, dreams, memories, ancient magic, cloning, holograms, borrowed footage, deleted scenes, computer trickery, or some combination of the above. We praise… well… some things. C3P0 jokes? Daisy Ridley? I … Continue reading →

The Princess Bride

email@tysto.com — Sun, 19 Apr 2020 13:31:35 +0000

Tweet Join Jimmy B as he joins me to revisit one of the great family movies of all time. This has been a long time coming, because my original commentary was a complete mess of nonsense. We unabashedly adore it and praise nearly every aspect. This is one in my pantheon of nearly perfect movies. … Continue reading →

Gremlins (1984)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 16 Dec 2019 04:45:36 +0000

Tweet Merry Christmas to all (again)! Happy holidays to those who don’t celebrate Christmas! Jimmy B is back to help me get off my duff and talk about another film. This time, it’s Joe Dante’s tale of Christmas cheer and mayhem (Well, Chris Columbus’s tale, really). We talk about the effects, the acting, the fake … Continue reading →

The Muppet Christmas Carol

email@tysto.com — Tue, 18 Dec 2018 01:55:02 +0000

Merry Christmas to all! Happy holidays to those who don't celebrate Christmas! A solemn welcome to those who don't care for Muppets! Jimmy B is back for a look at one of his--and now my--favorite Muppet films. My-cocaine is Scrooge and Kermit is Bob Cratchit. Statler and Waldorf are ghosts. And the songs are middling but listenable. We compare this extensively to the original novella by Charles Damn Dickens Himself, as well as to other Muppet movies and probably Shakespeare and Steel Magnolias.

Solo

email@tysto.com — Sun, 02 Dec 2018 23:53:37 +0000

Join Mehul and me as we are joined by Drew to have a trio look at Solo: A Star Wars Story, in which Chewbacca the wookiee befriends a bedraggled Imperial army deserter and coaches him along life's rocky road, full of disappointments and betrayals. We compare it to other Star Wars films, the books, the cartoons, the video games, Willow, Guardians of the Galaxy, Game of Thrones, Avatar, Thor: Ragnarok, The Hunger Games, Serenity, Grand Theft Auto, Marvel universe films, and The Other Side of the Wind. We decide that it is Good and Unnecessary and fail to make any Cheers or marijuana jokes despite the presence of Woody Harrelson.

Starship Troopers

email@tysto.com — Sun, 27 May 2018 04:44:03 +0000

Join Mehul and me for a revisiting of the undaptation of Robert A Heinlein's Starship Troopers. We try to figure out which parts came from the book and which parts were original to the screenplay that had little to do with the book. We notice that it's kind of two movies in one and neither one is much of an actual story. We compare it to other Paul Verhoeven movies, Aliens, Full Metal Jacket, Philip K Dick adaptations, the 19th century British Navy, World War 2 movies, World War 2 itself, and Melrose Place. We praise the effects and action (by which me mean a bit of the old ultraviolence). Mehul waxes poetical about the music. I wax poetical about Dina Meyer. (I'm still available, Dina!)

The Phantom

email@tysto.com — Sun, 13 May 2018 20:20:27 +0000

Join me as I am joined by Olly to SLAM EVIL with the oddly still watchable comic book movie from 1990s. No, not The Rocketeer. No, not The Shadow. No, not Dick Tracy. Yes: The Phantom! We argue over the cowl and discuss other costume matters. We praise the cast and, especially, the amazing art direction and cinematography, and the seaplanes... but not necessarily the overall mise-en-scene. A certain actor comes in for criticism as well as some of the stunts. We agree the film lacks a certain punch despite having many punches and that it could nevertheless have done with a sequel, but not with those box office numbers. We compare it to its contemporary comic book movies, the new crop of comic book movies, romantic comedies, James Bond movies, Indiana Jones movies, Frazier, Due South, and Monkey Island video games.

Star Wars 8: The Last Jedi

email@tysto.com — Sun, 29 Apr 2018 04:39:32 +0000

Join Drew and me for a rollicking adventure following all your favorite characters from The Force Awakens (except the one who died) where they... uh... try to escape the First Order and try to get Luke to return to civilization, and ride some llama-dogs at a racetrack, and some of them eventually meet for the first time... What is this movie about? I guess we praise the acting and set design and dialog but sort of not? We compare it to Phantom Menace and Harry Potter.

The Long Kiss Goodnight

email@tysto.com — Mon, 23 Apr 2018 16:37:37 +0000

Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs as I join him and Jimmy B to talk about The Long Kiss Goodnight. It's a Shane Black thriller about mommies and memories set at Christmas, so it's perfect for April of 2018, AKA the Year With No Spring.

The Truman Show

email@tysto.com — Mon, 12 Mar 2018 04:02:26 +0000

Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs as I join him to talk about The Truman Show. We love the film and praise nearly every aspect of it. I regard it as a nearly perfect film and try to rewrite it as a comedy. We muse about the different levels of meaning, whether or not Truman is crazy (John: it's not paranoia if they're really out to get you; me: oh he's nuts) and why a TV studio with its own ocean doesn't have any working boats. We wax poetical about the art design, writing, and cast, if not the acting (me vs Laura Linney; John vs Jim Carey). It's a great film that speaks to us personally. After all: all the world's a stage and all the people merely players. You can tell people I said that. I don't think anyone has made that observation before. We hardly say word one about director Peter Weir, so here it is: he's great.

Groundhog Day

email@tysto.com — Mon, 29 Jan 2018 05:45:59 +0000

Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs as I join him to talk about Groundhog Day. We praise the acting, the plotting, and the locations. We compare it to Edge of Tomorrow, Goethe's Faust, Scrooged, and falling in love. I explain my head canon that makes it all work for me. And we try to decide what would make it better in general.

Star Trek 79 “Turnabout Intruder”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 25 Dec 2017 20:44:40 +0000

Olly and I overcome communications issues, swap bodies, and have a look at the final episode of Star Trek! We discuss Shatner's acting, the challenge of doing a body swap episode, the likelihood of fooling the bridge officers, the fact that Spock never met a mutiny he didn't like, and much, much more.

2010: The Year We Made Contact

email@tysto.com — Mon, 11 Dec 2017 05:04:20 +0000

Join Mehul and me as we again explore the vastness of space and decide whether or not getting mean texts constitutes "contact". We compare it to 2001, 2002, 2003, etc., Contact, Alien, The Abyss, Leviathan, Deepstar 6, submarine movies, Seaquest DSV, Star Trek's "The Tholian Web", and Rocky 5*. We discuss and praise the cast, the miniatures, and cinematography. We mock the slow burn, the Russian tech, and the politics. We suss out the motivations of everyone except the monolith. We try to figure out how gravity works. And we try to decide if Roy Scheider is a love interest.

Baby Driver

email@tysto.com — Mon, 27 Nov 2017 05:14:27 +0000

Faldor is back! We sit down for a look at Edgar Wright's new flick about the heartwarming romance between boy and his iPod and also a girl he kind of likes, but maybe not LIKE likes, 'cause he's not gonna get all mushy or anything. We compare it to other Edgar Wright films, crime pictures of the '60s and '70s, Reservoir Dogs, Ant-Man, Highlander, James Bond films, John Wick, Layer Cake, Highlander, Harry Potter, Where Eagles Dare, Captain America: Winter Soldier, Oedipus Rex, The Omen, and, of course, the first in the series: Baby's Day Out. Martin (Faldor is just a code-name he tells everyone) recommends the Ford Ka as a getaway car. We recast Doc. We disbelieve that any adult was a toddler when iPods came out. We try to figure out the timeline of the third act. We try to figure out why Kevin Spacey bothers to pack up his tiny car collection. And we try to figure out why Bats has bats tattooed on his neck (theory: everyone likes bats).

Star Trek 64 “The Tholian Web”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 20 Nov 2017 05:23:36 +0000

Olly and I reestablish contact after slipping thru a rift in the fabric of space-time and a debilitating bout of space madness to talk about "The Tholian Web"! Oh those punctual Tholians cause no end of vexation while Spock tries to catch Kirk on the next swing around the ol' space carousel (or whatever. Honestly, i have no idea what's causing this). It's great fun seeing Spock in charge and endlessly put upon, and it makes wonderful use of the whole cast; even Nurse Chapel! I suggest we could have a whole series of this stuff. Olly insults Chekov, as usual. I suggest the Tholians might be teenage girls in disguise. Olly defends the sparkly spacesuits. It's a haunted house! Kirk-light! It's Shakespearean!

2001: A Space Odyssey

email@tysto.com — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 05:44:37 +0000

Join Mehul and me as we explore the vastness of space and discover it full of character actors! We contemplate the nature of the universe, discuss alien life and intelligence, talk about the film's influence on our culture and movies, and generally have a very good time with this slow, contemplative, visual feast of a film. Altho we discuss what we think could have made it better, and altho I don't say it, I consider this to be a nearly perfect film. But is it entertaining...? Eeeee, maybe not as much as it could be.

Duck Soup (1933)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 30 Oct 2017 04:05:30 +0000

Tweet Olly is back, and this time we’re discussing the distressing idea of incompetent clowns taking charge of a country. Will they be able to make Fredonia great again? Will they Frexit? We compare it to other Marx Brothers movies—with and without Zeppo—commedia dell’arte, the Muppets, Bugs Bunny, MASH, Blazing Saddles, and Monty Python and … Continue reading →

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

email@tysto.com — Tue, 17 Oct 2017 02:33:43 +0000

Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs as I join him and together we wax poetical about George Romero and his zombie film, the one that all zombie films afterward use as a template. We discuss the enduring format of the siege picture, the race and gender issues, the acting, the direction, the difference between zombies and ghouls (ghouls rule, zombies drool), and of course whether Harry & Helen are Homer & Marge Simpson or Thurston Howell III & Lovey (me: both; John: neither). We compare it to all the other zombie movies, disaster movies, and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. We discuss the social commentary, the social impact, and social media. Bonus: I explain women's suffrage, altho frankly everyone should know about it already from the rockin'est School House Rock song of all time.

Titanic (1997)

email@tysto.com — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 23:35:24 +0000

It's the 20th anniversary of James Cameron's tour de force romance-on-the-high-seas-gone-wrong Titanic, a film so big it made people briefly think James Cameron wasn't crazy (he is). I'm joined by Mike from Commentary Track Stars and Great Shot Kid and Mehul from the Internet! They love this movie, which more than makes up for the fact I think it's flabby and stilted until shit gets real and a little movie star named Ice Berg shows up. We compare it to Cameron's other movies, other water and ship movies, other romances movies, Stanley Kubrick movies, and Back to the Future. We praise the acting, the set design, the concept of limitations, and heroes of the actual, for-real tragedy that Cameron tacked an Aladdin-style street-rat-and-the-princess romance onto. We complain about the acting, the early CGI, the ham-handed dialog, and the nudity (Mike & Mehul; not me, I assure you).

Commando (1985)

email@tysto.com — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 18:00:59 +0000

Watch along with Jimmy and me as we hark back to 1985 with our mullets and parachute pants and feast our eyes on Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime fighting bad guys and rescuing damsels and also being rescued by damsels. We try to figure out who the real commando is. We count how many times "John Matrix" should have died (5). We laud the roles given to the female characters, even if they're ludicrous and superfluous. We wax poetic about '80s character actors and their credits. We applaud the ticking clock (a beeping watch) and the conspicuous lack of cell phones. And we duck and cover when all hell breaks loose at Harold Lloyd's Victor Maitland's Arius's house. (Beverly Hills Cop was not filmed at the Lloyd mansion, but Young Lady Chatterley II was, and I highly recommend it for the scenery.) I identify all the cars. Jimmy becomes confused by a sex position he's never seen (he didn't see Young Lady Chatterley II). I reveal my secret weakness (low-oxygen environments). Jimmy casts Schwarzenegger and Stallone as Holmes and Watson (and immediately disavows it). I reveal why I washed out of commando school (poor sense of smell). Jimmy repeatedly points out who's not being nice (almost everyone). I insult the Scottish people by comparing them to the Amish (send your angry cards and letters to Tysto c/o Donald Trump, White House, America). And Jimmy insults the Scottish people by claiming Scotland has less history than the US (send your angry cards and letters to Jimmy B c/o Donald Trump, White House, America).

Star Trek 51 “By Any Other Name”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 14 Aug 2017 04:29:39 +0000

Any day aboard the Enterprise, another fake distress call. What are you gonna do? The money is running out, and sets are thin, but the crew makes the most of what they've got. Olly and I discuss the big ideas (not killing everyone and taking their stuff!), the futuristic fashions (backless coveralls! combovers!), and pacing and dialog ("What is this hu-man emotion called love?"). Oh! And cuboctahedrons galore! More cuboctahedrons than you can shake a stick at!

Star Trek 44 “Trouble w Tribbles”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 07 Aug 2017 04:01:35 +0000

Would you like to buy a small, furry ball of purring love? Just 10 credits, my friend. Olly tries to sell me on this episode, and I'm as grumpy and possible drunk as Kirk is in it. He seems to view Spock as enough of a pet. McCoy can't figure out how to keep animals from procreating. No one recognizes Trelane. All this is Uhura's fault, but how can you blame her: it's the only shore leave she ever gets. Scotty and Checkov fight "Klinguns" in the longest nonsense sequence in the series. I'm bothered by Spock's extraneous math, and Olly explains bisexual reproduction math to me. We try to imagine Klingon button manufacturers and invent various theories about and uses for tribbles.

Star Trek 30 “Amok Time”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 24 Jul 2017 04:41:25 +0000

Episode 30: "Amok Time", in which Spock once again but most spectacularly comes under the influence of something (hormones) that causes him to show emotion! Olly and I delve into the logic, the character development, the world building (it's literally one building on another world, but hey), and so much more. Checkov! Checkov's wig! Chapel's burning lust for Spock! Spock's lava lamp! Vulcan's principle export (lava lamps)! This has the beautiful Arlene Martel as T'pring, Celia Lovsky as T'Pau, and a guy as Stonn (okay, not a great character). Olly and I battle to the death over whether production order or broadcast order is most important. And I sing the fight music!

RoboCop (1987)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 10 Jul 2017 04:11:08 +0000

Tweet Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs for Paul Verhoeven’s shoot-em-up classic (no not that one, and no not that one–okay he made a LOT of shoot-em-ups) RoboCop. This is the 1987 one, not the remake that is definitely terrible even tho we didn’t see it. It’s the heartwarming tale of … Continue reading →

Star Trek 29 “The City on the Edge of Forever”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 19 Jun 2017 04:09:58 +0000

Join Olly and me as we look into episode 29: "The City on the Edge of Forever". We question the nature of the time portal—sorry: "Guardian of Forever" (nice guarding there, pal, by the way). We question why Kirk brings only part of the landing party thru the portal. We question the use of soft focus on Joan Collins. And we question the problem with a device that records video but can't play it back without being hooked up to a series of old radio tubes. Also, we forget to mentioned "Let's get the hell out of here" was the first time "hell" was used as a curse word on American TV.

Star Wars: Rogue One

email@tysto.com — Mon, 05 Jun 2017 04:44:20 +0000

Join Drew and me for a whirlwind tour of the galaxy, with a cast so vast includes several dead people. It's the heartwarming tale of a pair of ragamuffin lone wolves in a motley band of rogues within a ragtag group of rebels inside a struggling republic fighting a galactic empire with no apparent emperor that nevertheless somehow builds gigantic moon-sized space stations. And it's the tale of how they get a message from a guy who tells them all they have to do to destroy that space station is get the plans from the most secure military warehouse in the galaxy and exploit a flaw he designed deep inside the most dangerous weapon ever created. SIMPLE!

Star Trek 24 “This Side of Paradise”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 22 May 2017 04:43:51 +0000

Join Olly and me as we look into episode 24: "This Side of Paradise" We compare it to past episodes we've done, other mutiny episodes, "Shore Leave", and Firefly. We fight like Kirk and Spock over Kirk and Spock and whether living on this planet would actually be fine (me: yes; Olly: you have no ambition). We imagine what hospitals would be like once the flowers are put into regular use giving people perfect health but no ambition. And we riff on wigs.

Star Trek 18 “Arena”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 08 May 2017 04:31:25 +0000

Join Olly and me as we look into episode 18: "Arena" We discuss the Gorn, the Gorn's gender, the Gorn's name, the Gorn's attractiveness, and the recipe for gun powder.

Star Trek 07 “What Are Little Girls Made Of”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 24 Apr 2017 04:24:35 +0000

Join Olly and me as we look into episode 7: "What Are Little Girls Made Of?" (Spoiler: wires and circuits.) We discuss the classic cast, the fact that this is a bottle episode, the similarity to Doctor Who, the attractiveness of Sherry Jackson (and Ted Cassidy), and the possibility that Ruk started out as a robotic couch for an old lady.

Avengers: Age of Ultron

email@tysto.com — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 04:19:41 +0000

TweetJoin me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs for a dive into the second Avengers film. We compare it to other Marvel films, Frankenstein, and Barb Wire. We praise nearly every part of it but come out feeling like it largely missed the mark. We’re watching the Blu-ray. Cue up the first frame … Continue reading →

Star Trek 00 “The Cage”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 00:42:37 +0000

Join Olly and me one our mission to examine Star Trek (the original series) in ten installments (probably at least eleven now, actually). Our first installment is the original pilot starring Jeffrey Hunter, "The Cage", which was later used to cobble together a two-parter called "The Menagerie". It's a fascinating start.

Ex Machina

email@tysto.com — Thu, 19 Jan 2017 03:57:32 +0000

Join Drew and me and a silent Asian girl for a look into the darkest fantasies of computer nerds: talking to a pretty girl behind a glass wall. We examine the genre, theme, inspiration, and dance moves. We compare it to other Alex Garland films, other streaming films, porn, Greek tragedies, Star Trek, RoboCop, Jurassic Park, Battlestar Galactica, Frankenstein, Dracula, Pinocchio, and porn. And we do an unpaid advertisement for Amazon Video. We imagine ourselves in the Caleb role, the Nathan role, the Ava role, and the helicopter pilot role. We have a lot of questions about Kyoko. I namecheck Nunavut and Yellowknife (I know Yellowknife is not in Nunavut). We speculate on where the movie is set, how the house is designed and supplied, and how many hookers are buried on the grounds. And we try to figure out who the villain is.

Batman (1966)

email@tysto.com — Sun, 18 Dec 2016 01:37:50 +0000

Olly is back, and this time we're scrutinizing the fine details of Adam West's Batman. We both love the film for what it is, and praise the cast, writing, and set design. We elaborate on the acting careers of the fine cast and crew. And we analyze its influence (I push the connections to Batman Returns, but perhaps too far). We speculate on the manufacture of batsuits but discreetly do not mention that this batsuit, like Joel Schumacher's, has nipples (of the 100% natural variety). We note the notable lack of catness of Catwoman and analyze the rooming relationships between the villains. And we think about all the things we should not think about when it comes to dehydrating and rehydrating people.

Captain America: Civil War

email@tysto.com — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 02:31:40 +0000

TweetJoin me as I join Extended Edition podcast in discussing the heartbreaking story of a military officer rebelling against his mother government and the valiant military industrialist who tries to stop him. Also: a spider-boy and his AILF. On YouTube: Tysto and Extended Edition commentary for Captain America: Civil War

The Muppet Movie

email@tysto.com — Sun, 16 Oct 2016 04:40:29 +0000

Pop in your copy of this all-American (and some British) classic while Jimmy and I gush over just about every aspect of it. We compare it to Citizen Kane and Fellini's 8 1/2 and Bicycle Thieves (not in so many words, but basically) and all other great films as well as several other things. It's a road movie, a coming-of-age movie, a hero's-journey movie, and a falling-in-love-with-a -pig movie. I forget to mention Italian commedia dell'arte, but it's that too. It's all things to all people. We keep it clean and cordial. I do the world's greatest impression of Kermit the Frog. We evaluate Doc Hopper's business case. We reveal the shocking origin of Telly Monster. We have a falling out over mixing Sesame Street with Muppet Show characters and whether it's okay to fall in love with a chicken. But it's okay; we makes up over our shared hatred of Elmo. And we answer the musical question "why are there so many songs about rainbows?" (and you may not like the answer). We're watching the Blu-ray and stay in sync. Start at on the countdown.

Young Frankenstein

email@tysto.com — Tue, 06 Sep 2016 02:02:29 +0000

Join me along with Olly (last name uknown, possibly Fronkensteen) as we peer into the dark depths of taboo science and cinema with Mel Brooks' and Gene Wilder's wonderful Young Frankenstein. We compare it to other Frankenstein movies, other Mel Brooks movies, other Gene Wilder movies, and Brief Encounter. Olly explains how Brooks and Wilder were both crazy in different ways. We insult Gene Wilder's hair. We discuss back-door pilots and how this movie should not be set in Transylvania and why a mad scientist would dress his monster in a suit. We discuss the Dr Frankenstein/Frankenstein's Monster mixup and try to name the monster. We wish Gene Wilder had "gone the Bill Murray route". And I try to get Olly to say "Blucher".

The Thin Man

email@tysto.com — Mon, 15 Aug 2016 04:01:39 +0000

Olly is back after a long absence to drink cocktails and discuss the intricacies of the Myrna Loy and William Powell classic The Thin Man. Olly compares it to the book and to the TV show. We analyze the relationship between Nick and Nora and compare it to other movie and TV couples. We compare the plot to other films in the series and other films of other sorts and to Agatha Christie. I mistakenly say Alan Ladd's The Glass Key was first person point of view when it was Robert Montgomery's The Lady in the Lake. Olly confesses to only having seen one Kevin Bacon movie, which I like to imagine was White Water Summer but probably wasn't. So I explain Wild Things to him, which may make your head hurt. We discuss Hitchcock's use of leading men and humor and how it compares. We discuss how Asta is virtually useless and how Nick is not really all that insightful of a detective. And we plan on remaking it in 3D. Also, I badmouth Alan Ladd repeatedly and explain how everyone in The Maltese Falcon was gay. We're watching it at NTSC (American) speed. Start right after the Paramount logo on the countdown.

Mad Max 4: Fury Road

email@tysto.com — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 23:33:46 +0000

SMEAR YOUR FOREHEAD WITH GREASE! SPRAY YOUR FACE WITH CHROME! DRINK GUZZLEINE IN VALHALLA WITH DONALD TRUMP'S GRANDSON IMMORTAN JOE TRUMP! IT'S MAD MAX: FURY ROAD! WITH JIMMY B! AND ENGINE NOISES! AND ELECTRIC GUITAR! AND a Skype dropout at 1:17:05 but we fix it and everything and HEAD BACK TO GET US SOME WATER!

Spectre (again)

email@tysto.com — Wed, 06 Jul 2016 00:25:12 +0000

Tweet If EON can take another run at Blofeld, so can I! Join me as I join Extended Edition’s Martin and Owen for another perspective on SPECTRE.

Spectre

email@tysto.com — Mon, 30 May 2016 04:23:29 +0000

Join me as I take on the worst terrorist organization in history, SPECTRE. I compare the film to other Daniel Craig Bonds, other Bonds of other sorts, other action movies, Inglourious Basterds, Jaws, and corporate projects I've worked on. I accuse it of being a really expensive fan film. And I mis-remember which Blofeld had the scar (Donald Pleasence, not Telly Savalas). I praise the acting and the set pieces and the gun butler; I complain about the office and hotel scenes where nothing happens and the action scenes where stuff does happen; and I do the world's best imitation of Christoph Waltz. I fail to recognize clinic barman Victor Schefé, star of Bewegte Männer. I obsess over the secret room in the Hotel L'Americain and make up a whole back story about it. I put forth a seven point argument for Hinx being based on Jaws and not Red Grant (take that, Wikipedia!). I disbelieve Blofeld's whole operation. I apologize to international assassins (again). And I try to figure out how many helicopters Bond has stashed in his garage. Bonus: Listen to the end for my pick for the next Bond!

Star Wars 7: Force Awakens

email@tysto.com — Mon, 02 May 2016 20:00:31 +0000

After a long absence, and now much older and wiser, Drew returns to set us straight about Star Wars. And I wreck things and generally act childish. We lament the familiarity of the plot and some character choices. We debate weather Daisy Ridley is actually Keira Knightly (me: yes; Drew: probably not), and whether the stormtroopers are "thick" and/or "phat". We volley back and forth with our deep, deep knowledge of the Star Wars Extended Universe, most of which is made up. We ponder the reason why Kylo Ren is there, why Finn instantly goes from Conscientious Objector to Hollywood Hero, who is making robots that feel bad, and why any of this happens.

Super 8

email@tysto.com — Tue, 19 Apr 2016 04:43:53 +0000

John Pavlich and I open up J J Abrams' mystery box and like what we see, if only because it reminds us so much of all the films we loved from our childhood. We heap praise all over the place, repeated forgive it its sins and excesses, and try to nitpick anachronisms. We're watching the Blu-ray. Start right after the Paramount logo on the countdown.

Mission: Impossible: Rogue Nation

email@tysto.com — Fri, 08 Apr 2016 06:01:34 +0000

Join me in watching the fifth and by no means final episode in the Ethan Hunt saga, in which IMF—gasp!—gets shut down and Ethan—gulp!—goes rogue. Insiders turn out to be bad guys! Ethan works with a beautiful mystery woman he isn't sure he can trust! They steal something they don't understand and give it to the villain! I know this sounds like every other Mission: Impossible film! But this one is even better than most of the others! I compare it to the other films, to James Bond (again [too much {again}]), to the TV show, to Hitchcock, to Faust, to Foul Play, and to Phantom Menace. I tiptoe around Cruise's real life, explain the geography of Europe and the design of my swimming pool, fail to remember Timothy Dalton's name (it's Living Daylights's cargo plane scene I was thinking of), do an impression of Luther that is half Ving Rhames and half Tracy Morgan, point out a couple of substantial logic gaps, and complain endlessly about how much I like the film.

Ant-Man

email@tysto.com — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 05:26:24 +0000

Jimmy and I take a rambling look at Marvel's Ant-Man (after a brief bit of confusion over which movie we're watching) and express our (reserved) love for it. We praise the look and art design, the actors, and the writing. And we discuss which aspects of the writing and directing don't work as well.

Alfred Hitchcock Presents 1×10

email@tysto.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2015 05:34:59 +0000

Tweet Join me as I join Mike from Commentary Track Stars to look at one of Alfred Hitchcock Presents’ Hitch-directed psycho-dramas. Download page

West Wing 1×01 “Pilot”

email@tysto.com — Wed, 28 Oct 2015 15:30:49 +0000

TweetJoin me as I join Mike of Commentary Track Stars to discuss the inaccuracies of THE WEST WING sets. Download page

Guardians of the Galaxy

email@tysto.com — Mon, 12 Oct 2015 04:14:05 +0000

Martin is back! (He has a codename: Faldor. Both of us do. It's cool. It's not weird.) We bust out of space prison and give Guardians of the Galaxy a good going over (which mainly consists of saying that it's fun and cool and the plot is kind of unnecessary). It's the heartwarming story of a boy who gets kidnapped and leads a life of crime and sexual depravity, with few friends and many enemies. The film has too many villains and too many endings and some shaky acting but works anyway because of its excess of charm. We praise Marvel, Chris Pratt, Bradley Cooper, Karen Gillen, the soundtrack, and—surprisingly—James Gunn. We guess at what the soundtrack of the sequel will include. We compare it to The Avengers, Star Wars, Moonraker, Up, Reservoir Dogs, and—spoilers—The Cabin in the Woods. For some reason, we discuss every Star Trek show and come to the conclusion that this is different. Also Firefly, because duh. We get into a fight over The Lost Boys, The Goonies, and—spoilers—The Cabin in the Woods.

The Omen (1976)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 14 Sep 2015 04:04:16 +0000

Join Jimmy and me to have a lot of fun with the original The Omen. We compare it to the other films in the series, the remake, Jaws, and other Richard Donner films (hey, would Damien make a good Goonie? There's a question we didn't ask). We praise the acting, wonder what God is up to these days, praise baboons for keeping us Antichrist-free for 2000 years, and eventually recast the film with Muppets.

Tremors

email@tysto.com — Tue, 18 Aug 2015 04:26:19 +0000

John Pavlich is back for another horror-comedy romp, this time with Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward vs sand worms. We revel in the B-movie cheesiness that works better than most A movies. We compare it to the sequels, Jaws, Maximum Overdrive, and other slasher and siege films. We speculate on the biology of the creatures and their closest living relatives. We analyze set-up and payoff. We mark the points of Val's character arcs (two of them!).

The Running Man

email@tysto.com — Sat, 01 Aug 2015 04:14:11 +0000

Join me as I am joined by Jim Brown (the regular one, not the one from the movie) as we pursue Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Conchita Alonso thru the quads in this 1980s heartwarming tale of 2010s' excess and televised mayhem. We compare it to other Arnie movies, The Hunger Games, and modern reality TV. I praise Richard Dawson up and down. And we try to figure out why Dweezil Zappa is in this movie. We talk about the fact that it was a troubled production, the 80s-ness of the wardrobe and whatnot, and the creepiness of the lady who might harbor rape fantasies. I think we fail to credit Stephen King as the novelist (under the Richard Bachman name). And Jimmy calls me on a Fleetwood Mac reference. Bonus: find out which stalker I'm making a cos-play costume of! NOTE: Skype throws us off our game a bit, I'm afraid. The connection breaks down 5 times, but I double-checked the sync. I've artfully covered the gaps with Fleetwood Mac music. Just bear with us.

White House Down

email@tysto.com — Sat, 04 Jul 2015 18:26:41 +0000

Just in time for the US Independence Day celebration, join Faldor (Martin from The Extended Edition) and me for a tour of the president's mansion in Washington, DC, with your tour guide, Roland Emmerich! We praise--and occasionally knock--the CGI. We compare it to Olympus Has Fallen, obviously, Die Hard, other Roland Emmerich films, and Step Up to the Streets (not really). I talk a bit about the geography of the White House and the nature of the Secret Service. We discuss 10 Downing Street, Jamie Foxx, my other website WhiteHouseMuseum.org, how sprinkler systems work, and why the PEOC only has black-and-white TVs.

Highlander

email@tysto.com — Mon, 15 Jun 2015 04:04:10 +0000

Join Jimmy and me as we take a hard look at '80s classic Highlander. It's a film we both once loved but which has, like Connor McCloud, hasn't changed at all while we've grown old and cynical. Jimmy loves his native Scotland, and we both respect and admire New York... within certain parameters. We try to figure out the rules of the contest. We compare the film to other '80s films discuss other films by Russell Mulcahy and... earrings and stuff. We do drift a little in the middle when the film wanders a bit and discuss American and UK TV standards and practices in the '80s and now.

The Searchers

email@tysto.com — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 04:04:53 +0000

Join me and Rob Caravaggio as we scour the plains of Texas (or painted desert of Arizona, YMMV) for our kinfolk and become bitter, bitter men. We love the film and have a lot of fun talking about the text, the sub-text, and possibly some sub-sub-text. See the breathingest dead man on screen, the woodenest of wooden actors, and the most of whatever Mose is. We don't care for the music much or for some inherent prejudices in a film that ostensibly tries to say racial prejudice is bad. We analyze the use of humor, montage, and studio work. We compare the film to other Wayne-Ford films, Star Wars, Star Trek, and Adam Sandler's failed Western.

Cobra

email@tysto.com — Thu, 21 May 2015 02:56:24 +0000

Join me as I'm again joined by Jimmy B for a tender tale of romance about a fashion model and a lonely pizza-loving man named Marion. We compare it to other Stallone films, other '80s action we've done commentaries for, and Hong Kong Phooey. Actually the Hong Kong Phooey stuff might be slightly off-topic, along with our attempt to answer the age-old question: what is brown sauce? We don't like the film and mock it as it deserves and yet confess a deep affection for it in that it transcends the Steven Seagal/JCVD stuff that came after it and seem modeled on it. Get your axes and motorcycle and join our cult!

Silence of the Lambs

email@tysto.com — Mon, 20 Apr 2015 04:05:41 +0000

Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to get inside your head and figure out your weaknesses and use them against you. We analyze the unusual structure of the movie, play with different ways of looking at it, and try to figure out who the real villain is. (Chilton. It's Chilton.) We compare the film to other Hannibal Lector movies, Hitchcock and De Palma films, The X-Files, other horror movies and psychological thrillers, and YouTube videos. I complain about some fundamental aspects of the film despite loving it and do an impression of Lector and screaming lambs. John indulges me patiently and explains the parts I don't understand.

Beverly Hills Cop

email@tysto.com — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 04:07:52 +0000

Join me as I'm again joined by Jimmy B, this time for what is probably Eddie Murphy's greatest film, and one that I regard as nearly perfect. We compare it to 48 Hrs, Cobra, and Midnight Run. We discuss Eddie Murphy's career at some length. We impugn the LAPD. And we more-or-less fix Hollywood.

Reservoir Dogs

email@tysto.com — Mon, 23 Mar 2015 04:04:44 +0000

Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to have a look at Quentin Tarantino's other finest masterpiece. We discuss the indie film cred, the music, the dialog, the performances, and the inspirations. We have a terrific time with it, and praise it thoroly--especially the cinematography--but find fun things to gently nitpick. We debate Mr. Pink (not really) and the timeline (not really). We compare it to Tarantino's other films, Unknown (2006), The Killing, Kansas City Confidential, and Hamlet.

Police Academy

email@tysto.com — Mon, 09 Mar 2015 04:03:29 +0000

Join me and Jimmy B and my head cold as we enjoy a nostalgic romp thru our childhoods in an unknown city that is definitely not necessarily Los Angeles. We discuss the whole series (not that we'll ever do commentaries for any of the others) and related properties (altho we forget about the toy set!) as well as the theme of diversity. We marvel at some of the stunts, try to decide which bits to cut, and praise Harris as a cop. We compare the film to Stripes, Animal House, The Bad News Bears, Airplane, and Benny Hill and the Carry On films. We fret a little over the Blue Oyster Bar, altho forget that Steve Gutenberg didn't need cred with the gay community after having starred in Can't Stop the Music with the Village People.

Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol

email@tysto.com — Mon, 23 Feb 2015 05:06:59 +0000

Join me and Mike of Commentary Track Stars as we watch the fourth and possibly best or most entertaining Mission: Impossible movie. We compare it to James Bond and Bourne movies, Indiana Jones, the other MI movies, the trailer, NSync videos, and life itself. We discuss the cinematography a lot and marvel at the stunts and lack of theme or motivational complication. We criticize the timetable and the familiarity of some plot elements and how the comedy ramps up when stakes are raised instead of vice versa, but we nevertheless like it a lot. ATTENTION: We are now in the market for a programmer to make a facial recognition app to identify assassins for us.

Edge of Tomorrow

email@tysto.com — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 05:06:03 +0000

Join me and Drew of Trek.fm as we relive the same day over and over with Tom Cruise in this heartwarming remake of Groundhog Day. We compare it to The Americanization of Emily, Looper, District 9, Gamer, an actual video game, real life, zombie movies, and other Tom Cruise films. We marvel at the technology both in universe and used to make the film, Tom Cruise's weird flat streak of perfectly good movies, Emily Blunt's yoga/hip-hop exercises, and the idea of mixing US and UK troops in the same unit. We like the movie and eventually figure out what's happening and have a great deal of fun taking it on its own terms and trying to come up with better titles.

Predator 2

email@tysto.com — Mon, 26 Jan 2015 05:42:48 +0000

Join me and Jimmy B as we look deep into the untold horror and ultraviolence of Predator 2 and like it quite a bit. We discuss the film in context with the first film and the other Predator franchise films. We compare it to RoboCop, Lethal Weapon, Weekend At Bernie's 2, and Toy F—ing Story 3. We indulge in a little social commentary prompted by the events on screen that perhaps strike a little close to home. And we generally have a good time trying to decide if Danny Glover is the right man to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger. (It goes without saying that Maria Conchita Alonso is the right man to replace Jesse Ventura.) We fail to mention that someone thought Shane Black's bad jokes were so fundamental to the success of the first film that Bill Paxton had to be brought in to provide more of them. And WHAT IS UP WITH THE CARS IN THIS MOVIE???

Pirates of the Caribbean 3

email@tysto.com — Mon, 12 Jan 2015 05:04:40 +0000

Join Faldor (Martin from Extended Edition podcast) as he joins me again for another go at the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise! It's the heartwarming tale of a band of plucky pirates, most of whom were dead at least once before, who rescue their friend from death and but can't save certain other people for some reason. A bunch of other stuff happens that is hard to remember or explain, most of which is people betraying each other, and Keira Knightly has several costume changes, and Pintel and Ragetti seriously get on my nerves. We examine the tone and motivations, try to figure out who the main character is, analyze the story as a long-form romance, and try to decide what to cut out. We discuss Johnny Depp's portrayal and Keith Richards' cameo. We wander off on a couple of tangents about Lord Nelson, the Patrick O'Brien novels, Treasure Island, and British television actors' pay.

Pulp Fiction

email@tysto.com — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 05:04:00 +0000

Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to have a look at Quentin Tarantino's finest masterpiece. We discuss the narrative structure, the characters, the themes and motifs, and the feet. We compare the film to Tarantino's other films, the films and books he pays homage to, and Robert Rodriguez's films. We try to figure out which sequence is the weakest and why some scenes are even in the movie. I think I spot Teague Chrystie's apartment. And we copyright a Beverly Hills horror movie idea.

The Magnificent 7 (1960)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 15 Dec 2014 05:05:57 +0000

Join me and the crew of Film Bin for one of the greatest westerns ever made. It's a fun, funny, sometimes-poignant shoot-'em-up from 1960 with an all-star cast (well, nearly), and a top-notch pedigree. We compare the film to the sequels, The Seven Samurai, Ocean's Eleven, The Three Amigos, A Bug's Life, Westworld, Return of the Jedi, Home Alone, and Postman Pat. We recast it for no reason and also try to reset it in Britain. We poke it for flaws and find almost none. (Why give them back their guns, tho, seriously?) And we invent a couple of back stories and sequels (and copyright them!) involving werewolf hunting and hangovers.

Predator (1987)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 01 Dec 2014 05:05:23 +0000

Join me and Jimmy B as we examine the genius that is Predator (1987) [there's a remake coming]. We discuss each of the principle actors and their careers and political aspirations, who could have been in the film, and how awesome the film is. We both love it and marvel at its solid construction and timeless story of mercenaries being hunted in a jungle by a Rastafarian fish-man. We play around with recasting the film in a later era and discuss the sequels.

Where Eagles Dare

email@tysto.com — Mon, 17 Nov 2014 05:01:19 +0000

It's the heartwarming story of a Welsh commando and his intrepid American sidekick, their girlfriends, and a great deal of dynamite cutting a swath of destruction across the German mountainside and a trail of dead bodies a couple of miles long. Richard Burton shuffles off his Shakespearean coil and dons an SS officer's uniform to wax poetical about how much he loves Hitler or maybe not or maybe, it's very confusing. I think at one point he is acting as a quadruple agent. The plot is nevertheless watertight; the acting is terrific; the directing workmanlike; and the stunt work spectacular. It's one of the greatest WW2 adventures committed to film and my teenage memory, keeps up a breakneck pace (sometimes literally), and it's so long you can take a nap at a couple of points and not miss any of the ridiculously complicated plot. I wax poetical about the guns, cars, and aircraft, explain who is who, determine if the film passes the Bechdel Test, and generally have a good time, altho I mix up the aerial tramway with an inclined railway and sing a bit of "Funiculi Funicula", and I may have suggested that Alec Guinness starred in Hitchcok's Secret Agent when it was in fact John Gielgud. I compare it to Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Inception, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, other WW2 movies, Hammer horror, James Bond, Top Secret, buddy cop movies, and The Thing.

Mission: Impossible 3

email@tysto.com — Mon, 27 Oct 2014 04:08:24 +0000

Join me as I delve into JJ Abrams' take on the Mission: Impossible series and examine how he makes it his own (by kind of turning it into Alias). I can't remember "the Welshman" from the second movie ("You know! Hannibal Lector!"), and I stumble between character names and actor names. I complain that it's all a little too familiar (like first-movie familiar and sometimes James-Bond familiar), but I give credit where credit is due to Cruise, Abrams, the DP, and the rest of IMF.

Evil Dead (2013)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 20 Oct 2014 04:06:20 +0000

Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs once again, this time for a look at Fede Alvarez's remake of Sam Raimi's silly-fun 1981 horror flick The Evil Dead. This one is serious, flatter, and way better made (altho I still prefer the original). Thrill to the blood and mud! Squeal at the shout-outs to the original! Listen as I fail to fully interpret the film makers' intent! (In my defense, it's not on screen.)

National Treasure

email@tysto.com — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 04:06:55 +0000

Join me for a stroll thru the hallowed halls of American history and pseudo-history with Nicolas Cage and friends. I compare the film to its sequel, Indiana Jones, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Goonies, and the 1960s Batman TV show. I enjoy the real/realistic history, blame the Gates family for the loss of the treasure in the first place, and rewrite the film to be about something else.

Man of Steel

email@tysto.com — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 04:04:17 +0000

Join me and Hardy Lynch of The Speakeasy as we try to make sense of the latest Super-debacle. Hardy likes it more than I do, but we both have decent fun with it. We analyze the odd structure and tone and character motivations. We wonder if it would work better if it weren't about Superman at all. And we wonder if there's anywhere to go after the world was nearly destroyed by a ~~terraforming~~ kryptonforming machine. We compare the film to other Superman movies, Star Trek (2009), X-Men, other superhero movies, Prometheus, and pretty much anything else that crosses our minds.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

email@tysto.com — Mon, 15 Sep 2014 04:08:38 +0000

Join me and Drew of Trek FM as we experiment on our own brains with the help of James Franco and a ton of CGI until we see apes everywhere. We analyze the structure of the film and compare it to the old Apes movies, the sequel, and "Flowers for Algernon", Deep Blue Sea, and Dragonball Z. And we wonder who the hell "Rupert Wyatt" is. We puzzle over some minor plot holes, try to "fix" the film, and create our own sequels and crossovers. I question James Franco's salary and taste in vehicles; Drew compares James Franco to C-3P0; and we both try to figure out who the villain is.

The Dark Knight

email@tysto.com — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 04:03:37 +0000

Join me as I join the Doctor and Lynch of The Speakeasy as we have a good time with Christopher Nolan's dour superhero and superior villain. We like the film a lot but feel that the sheen has somewhat worn off and the story is revealed as threadbare now. We give praise where praise is due, and joke our way thru the slow sections and weird choices.

The Great Race

email@tysto.com — Mon, 25 Aug 2014 04:04:42 +0000

Join me and the crew of Film Bin for a look at Blake Edwards' 1965 ensemble comedy about a motor race from New York to Paris. It's the heartwarming and rib-tickling romantic adventure starring Tony Curtis, Natalie Wood, and Jack Lemmon. It's big, it's kind of corny, and it's so long it has another movie inside it. We analyze the ensemble comedy phenomenon, try to figure out Tony Curtis, try to determine the nature of the relationship between Max and Professor Fate, and try to keep up the pace during a 30-minute saloon brawl. I try to rewrite the film to include more of the prince, we compare the food fight to other cinematic food fights, and we try to figure out what that thing is that Natalie Wood is wearing.

Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

email@tysto.com — Sat, 23 Aug 2014 21:05:28 +0000

Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we delve into the historical drama of the youth, life, and presidency of Abraham Lincoln. We examine the issues of the day and the difficult moral decisions that Lincoln faced, such as the "peculiar institution" of slavery and when to try to kill the vampire who murdered his mother. We compare the film to superhero movies, the mockbuster Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies, and more. John likes the film but my initial enthusiasm has gradually waned, altho I still like the acting and most of the action.

Mission: Impossible 2

email@tysto.com — Mon, 11 Aug 2014 04:03:05 +0000

Join me and Mike of Commentary Track Stars as we delve into the mysteries that are John Woo, Robert Towne, Notorious, and Tom Cruise's psyche in this, the second of the Mission: Impossible series. We discuss the structure of the film, its suspicious similarity to the Hitchcock classic, and its differences from the other Mission: Impossible movies. We compare it to the Bond films, other John Woo films, and other action movies of its time. We speculate on Dougray Scott as Wolverine, what the series would have been like with more Anthony Hopkins, and Tom Cruise's personal knowledge of how heavy $63 million dollars is.

Mission: Impossible

email@tysto.com — Mon, 28 Jul 2014 07:22:58 +0000

Join me as I explore the first of Tom Cruise's action movie tours de force, adapted from the nearly actionless TV series of the same name. Impossible, you say? Oh quite possible indeed if you throw out everything the TV show did. I examine the differences between the movie's treatment of IFM and the 1960s TV show. I consider Tom Cruise as a thinking-man's action movie star, Brian De Palma as a director, Jon Voight as an IMF lead, and the locations as locations. I compare it to Rafifi, Topkapi, Die Hard and Knight and Day. I consider the idea of taking the TV show's premise and complicating it until it becomes ridiculous. I pull apart story elements like the insider-gone-bad and the nonsensical parts of the plot like the use of bible verses.

Good, Bad, & Ugly

email@tysto.com — Mon, 30 Jun 2014 04:03:21 +0000

Join me and Rob Caravaggio of Rob Caravaggio Commentaries as we tackle one of the great films of the western genre and indeed of all time. We compare the stories of each of the three characters and the careers of the men who play them. We admit that the film is a bit long and try to decide what to cut. We contemplate westerns, Eli Wallach, circles, stray dogs, cripples, the film industry in the mid-1960s, war films, and actual wars. And we try to figure out what "good" really means in this context. We compare the film to the previous two films in the trilogy, Tarantino's work, Kurosawa's work, and film noir. We recast the film with other 1960s actors. We praise the music and titles, the cinematography, the set design--pretty much everything. I call the film nearly perfect. Rob gives away the magic of podcasting (we sometimes have discussions off-mike). Bonus: I get the obsessive-compulsive gun stuff out of the way early.

Nazis at the Center of the Earth

email@tysto.com — Thu, 19 Jun 2014 04:05:07 +0000

Join me for a sight-unseen examination of The Asylum's heartwarming tale of research scientists in Antarctica falling in and out of love and encountering (I don't want to spoil it for you) certain challenges. I complain about the dialog and lack of active protagonists, and I root for Hitler OR DO I? I compare the film to Futurama and, uh, films and examine the artistic choice of slow-motion. I question the science a time or two, and the choice of lenses used on Dominique Swain. I do not question the lenses used on Jake Busey. Use any lens you want; the man can't be photographed badly.

Dr Strangelove

email@tysto.com — Mon, 09 Jun 2014 04:09:25 +0000

Join me and Hardy Lynch of The Speakeasy for my FIRST Stanley Kubrick commentary! It's the heartwarming story of a nation whose rogue member starts World War 3 and the brave men (and only men) who make a vague and ineffectual effort to stop it. We compare it to Fail-Safe, which came out the same year, as well as Kubrick's other films and Mars Attacks. We discuss the careers of Kubrick, Sellers, and Keenan Wynn. We analyze the brilliant screenplay, the analogy to Cold War tensions, and the films possible affect on the audience, including America's leaders. And we try to recast it with Mike Meyers, Sam Rockwell, Josh Brolin, and James Earl Jones (in the Ripper role this time).

Tango & Cash

email@tysto.com — Mon, 26 May 2014 04:07:38 +0000

Join me as I'm joined for the first time by Jimmy B from the Friends in Your Head forum and Extended Edition podcast for a look at Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell's big team-up. We compare it to Lethal Weapon, Police Story, Die Hard, other buddy-cop comedies of the time, and James Bond movies. We also marvel at their hair and suits, and at a still-humble Teri Hatcher. We stand in awe that the film ever saw the light of day because, at some point, everybody but Stallone got replaced at least once.

Flash Gordon

email@tysto.com — Mon, 12 May 2014 21:24:27 +0000

Join me as I join the entire Film Bin crew to have a look at the wonderfully campy and adventurous Flash Gordon. It's the heartwarming tale of boy meets girl, boy and girl are kidnapped by a scientist and forced to travel to space, where they are kidnapped by a dictator, girl loses boy, boy is kidnapped by another girl, then imprisoned by her boyfriend... Long story short, boy gets girl and only has 14 hours to save the earth. We compare it to Star Wars, Superman, Indiana Jones movies, Highlander, the original film serial, Barbarella, Doctor Who, The Wizard of Oz, and Buckaroo Banzai. We analyze the physics of Mongo, the force of nature that is Brian Blessed, and the possibility that Klytus designs all the costumes on Mongo. We fix Hollywood action movies and align the DC universe and Star Wars universe with this one.

Batman Begins

email@tysto.com — Mon, 05 May 2014 04:33:43 +0000

Join me as I join the Doctor and Lynch for a second go at the first of Christopher Nolan's Batmen. We compare the film to the comic books, other Nolan Batmen, Burton/Schumaker Batmen, and The Shadow. We examine the logic of the villains' plans and Batman's response. And we recast Morgan Freeman as a bad guy.

Dark City

email@tysto.com — Fri, 25 Apr 2014 04:09:59 +0000

Join me and my special guest John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and Michael "Dorkman" Scott of What Are You Doing, Movie? as we take Alex Proyas' heartwarming tale of space vampires and terrible detectives to pieces retune it. All three of us basically love the film and gush all over the cinematography, writing, structure, and set design and try to figure out which parts are sub-awesome and how things could be slightly better. We lament the reception the film got initially, disagree over the degree of familiarity of the characters and tropes, and come to blows over Jennifer Connelly's eyebrows. (NON-PERIOD!)

Superman Returns

email@tysto.com — Mon, 14 Apr 2014 04:02:21 +0000

Join me and Hardy Lynch of The Speakeasy as we shoot machines at the impregnable flesh of Bryan Singer's Superman Returns. We complain about the, ahem, "familiarity" of many of the set pieces and dialog; about the things that are new and different; about the incredible coincidences, and that a lot of the minor characters have nothing to do. I complain about the physics of Superman flying and lifting a continent. Hardy complains about James Marsden being a wet noodle. We both love a few things, including Kevin Spacey and some of the action. And we wonder exactly who knows what about you-know-who when. We compare the film to Superman, Superman 2, Terminator 2, The Matrix, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and The Five-Year Engagement. We wonder if Superman really left Metropolis to avoid paternity charges or sex offender charges. And we try to rewrite the film and fail.

Jaws

email@tysto.com — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 04:49:57 +0000

Join Drew of Trek.fm and me as we look into the dead eyes of the master killer of the seas and come out the other end changed men. Together, we try to figure out what genre the movie is (monster movie? horror? Hitchcockian thriller? western?), whether or not Quint is a sorcerer, and how many awesome suit jackets Mayor Vaughn owns. We compare the film to other other shark/monster movies, Moby Dick, Die Hard, The Ghost & the Darkness, and Hot Fuzz. We contemplate it as a sequel to West Side Story, the characters as Harry Potter analogs, and animatronics as terrifying in themselves. And I learn an important lesson about comparing scars.

Prometheus

email@tysto.com — Mon, 24 Mar 2014 04:11:34 +0000

Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and Faldor of the Extended Edition podcast for a thoro drubbing of Ridley Scott's Prometheus. It's the heartwarming tale of an old man trying to recapture his youth and getting his head handed to him. But enough about Ridley Scott. We examine the themes and complications, the plot twists that don't quite work, and the way the film repeatedly works against itself with their echoes of religion and the other Alien movies, as well as Stargate, Return of the Jedi, and Casablanca.

Looper

email@tysto.com — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 04:17:21 +0000

Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs for a long, hard look at Rian Johnson's wobbly time travel thriller. We both like it (he more than I) and both have problems with it (I more than he). We look at Confused Matthew's take on the film, and Rian Johnson's himself. John had a Twitter conversation with him that I gamely try to retroactively explain Johnson's side of. Regardless, it's a fascinating film or two films squooshed together, depending on your point of view and, possibly, your current location in the space-time continuum.

Superman 1978

email@tysto.com — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 05:53:07 +0000

I'm back from the dead after several weeks of a bad chest cold. So join me and Hardy Lynch of The Speakeasy for a tear thru the 1978 blockbuster classic Superman (which we don't really like very much). Thrill to the Shakespearean blarney at the beginning (which we admire), the slow roll thru 1950s America (which we love), and the screwball romance of the 1970s (which we think is great), right to the big blockbuster finale (which we hate). We discuss Star Trek, James Bond, Gene Hackman's career, Clark Kent's big dope angle, the likelihood of Superman's mom making pajamas for him, and the implausibility of most of the physics. We swoon over Lex Luthor's lair, the cinematography, and the acting pretty much across the board. Bonus: we wonder why the whole third act happens. Double bonus: I only cough a few times toward the end.

Alien vs Predator

email@tysto.com — Mon, 16 Dec 2013 05:04:15 +0000

Join me and Mike of Commentary Track Stars as we take a look at Paul WS Anderson's comic-booky mess of a monster-slasher film. We discuss the casting, the setting, what there is of a plot, and the missed opportunity of a romance.

Pirates of the Caribbean 2

email@tysto.com — Mon, 02 Dec 2013 05:05:05 +0000

Join Faldor and me for a rollicking--some would say vomit-inducing--roller coaster ride thru the mind of Gore Verbinski and friends as Jack Sparrow (and some other people) returns! Jack Sparrow (and some other people) fight the fearsome Davy Jones! (And we don't make a single Monkees joke, somehow.) And Jack Sparrow (and some other people) fight the terrifying Kraken! Also, a hell of a lot of deals are made that are almost all reneged on, and the end makes no sense! We analyze the meandering plot structure, the overlong set pieces, and the muddy motivations. We posit some changes that might have helped clarify or at least short the mess. And we wax philosophical about which film is better: this one or the third one.

Series of Unfortunate Events

email@tysto.com — Mon, 25 Nov 2013 05:06:03 +0000

Join me for the heartwarming story of the Beaudelaire orphans, who lose their parents, family friends, and innocence in a series of deeply, deeply unfortunate events, all of which seem to be caused by one Count Olaf. Again and again, they fall into his clutches in one way or another in ways that are both darker and more comical than any competing juvenile fiction series, and all are mysteriously recorded by one Lemony Snicket. I compare the film to the books, competing juvenile fiction series, the Lord of the Rings, other Jim Carrey movies, and a Smashing Pumpkins video. I look for motifs and theme (which are, to be sure, pretty obvious) and identify the cars. I love the film and lament the lack of a sequel.

Community 1×07 “Intro to Stats”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 11 Nov 2013 05:09:12 +0000

Join me as I again join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to watch the seventh episode of Community. We discuss how this episode feels out of place, girl bonding, Greendale's weird football field, Jeff and Annie. And say goodbye to Troy's interest in sports.

Pirates of the Caribbean 1

email@tysto.com — Mon, 28 Oct 2013 04:08:20 +0000

Join me for a rollicking pirate/ghost/zombie or whatever adventure as Disney has the bright idea to turn a mediocre amusement park ride into a gigantic movie franchise. This might be the film that kills Disney, since it kind of became their strategy to create tent-pole films out of existing properties with a big Johnny Depp-like (often Johnny Depp himself) star and forgot that you kind of need a good script to get the ball rolling. I analyze the plot, the curse, and the characters. I point out where the flab is (it's kind of overlong) but mostly have a lot of fun with it. I compare it a bit to the other films in the series, to other pirate movies, to romantic comedies, and to Master and Commander.

Total Recall (2012)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 07 Oct 2013 05:09:54 +0000

Join me for a sight-unseen analysis of the 2012 version of Total Recall. I claim that I won't play spot-the-differences but I kind of do. I analyze the different styles, the subtle differences in plot, and the believability of Colin Farrell as a superspy-turned-freedom-fighter-turned-welder. And I examine the influence of Minority Report, Blade Runner, and the Chinese market. I mix up the three gorgeous brunettes (I'm not always sure I can separate Colin Farrell from Kate Beckinsale). I might mistakenly call Jessica Biel "Jennifer Beals" at some point, I don't remember. I still mix up Michael Ironside and Michael Rooker.

Hunt for Red October

email@tysto.com — Mon, 23 Sep 2013 05:05:58 +0000

Join Faldor of The Extended Edition podcast and me for a look at the Tom Clancy bromance that is Hunt for Red October. We praise the pace despite the fact that it's mostly people talking to each other. We discuss the way the opening hides Ramius' intentions. And we wonder whether or not the silent drive helps Ramius.

Trading Places

email@tysto.com — Mon, 09 Sep 2013 05:05:19 +0000

It's the heartwarming story of a streetwise con man and a upper crust commodities broker and the hooker he falls in love with and also his butler and their boss. Watch along as I explain how the story is set up very carefully to make us like the right people at the right time and turn things around in the right way when it's time. I love a tight screenplay and this is both tight and very funny. I talk about similar stories, discuss the careers of the various players, including the wonderful Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy, and examine the verisimilitude of its depiction of the 1980s commodities market. I call it nearly perfect and point out ways that it could be slightly better.

Hudsucker Proxy

email@tysto.com — Mon, 26 Aug 2013 05:05:46 +0000

Join me as I join Mike and Max for a close examination of Coen's foray into screwball comedy. Close doesn't mean accurate, of course, and we fact check each other thruout. We discuss the Coen Brothers in general, the film's homage-heavy story, the choice of actors, the actors' choices, and the real history of the hula hoop. We consider the mish-mash of myth and fantasy, the stunning set design, how the stock market works, and basic physics.

Atlas Shrugged 1

email@tysto.com — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 05:21:17 +0000

Join me (or don't, if it's not in your self-interest) for a romp thru part one of Ayn Rand's garden of selfish delights. It's the heartwarming tale of two crazy corporate executives and their quest to figure out why the heck they can't get the steel and train engines they need and who this guy John Galt is. I explain who the heck Ayn Rand is and why she is so woefully wrong about economics, politics, and industry. And I compare the movie to 2-Headed Shark Attack and soap operas. I generally praise the sets and effects and acting, unlike the communists who write most of the reviews, but I admit that it's about as dull as people talking can be when your villain is a wrongheaded economic policy. But I have fun with it and keep it light.

The Bourne Supremacy

email@tysto.com — Mon, 29 Jul 2013 05:09:43 +0000

Faldor joins me again for the second of the Bourne movies (unless you count the TV movie with Richard Chamberlain, WHICH NO ONE DOES). Faldor claims that it's a bad movie. I claim that it's a good movie—specifically: Frankenstein. We compare it to the first film, Frankenstein, Bond films, Close Encounters, The Story of Anne Frank, Pirates of the Caribbean, Ronin, and—very slightly—the book it's supposedly based on. We agree on almost all points and yet disagree on the overall quality of the film itself. We discuss various locations in Europe, and whether or not the plot is actually necessary to the story in this case. We rewrite the film to be more character-oriented. And we touch on how technology has advanced to the point that nearly all the "high tech" stuff could be done on an iPhone.

A Bug’s Life

email@tysto.com — Mon, 15 Jul 2013 04:05:00 +0000

Join me for a gushing lovefest for Pixar's second feature film, A Bug's Life. I compare it to The Seven Samurai, The Magnificent Seven, The Three Amigos, The Wild One, and Disney and Warner Brothers cartoons. I praise the cinematography, story structure, cast, and anything else I can think of. And I call it nearly perfect several times. I discuss the scale of the picture, how the story elements work together, the various arcs of different characters. I explore other possible avenues for telling the story. I condemn cats. And I nearly drown myself.

Community 1×06 “Football, Feminism and You”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 01 Jul 2013 05:34:06 +0000

Join me as I again join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to watch the sixth episode of Community. We discuss how this episode feels out of place, girl bonding, Greendale's weird football field, Jeff and Annie. And say goodbye to Troy's interest in sports.

Austin Powers 1

email@tysto.com — Mon, 24 Jun 2013 05:03:29 +0000

Join me for a lighthearted romp thru the annals of espionage and adventure with everyone's favorite international man of mystery, Austin Danger Powers. I analyze the film as a spy movie, a spoof, an homage, a pastiche, and a romantic comedy. I say I'm not going to play "spot the reference" but in fact I do. I forget to mention which actor who was one inspiration for the character of Austin Powers played his father in the third film (spoiler: Michael Caine). I point out the arcs of Austin, Vanessa, and Dr. Evil. I admire Elizabeth Hurley a bit too much. I make a few too many complaints about the other films in the series. And I reference the director's commentary a little too much. A good time was had by all until it became known that George W Bush liked doing Dr. Evil impressions.

Inception

email@tysto.com — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 15:01:57 +0000

Join John Pavlich and me as we delve into the innermost psyche of Christopher Nolan and pull out dead wives, survivor guilt, selfishness, and a creaky elevator. We analyze how many acts the film really has, the cinematography of the Avengers, and whether or not Hans Zimmer is the right man for to score the film. We compare the film to other Nolan films, other Di Caprio films, Dreamscape, Ghostbusters, The Matrix, The Dirty Dozen, The Guns of Navarone, heist films, The Spanish Prisoner, Ocean's 11, Reservoir Dogs, and A Nightmare on Elm Street. We compare Christopher Nolan to Woody Allen, the Coen Brothers, Stanley Kubrick, and Michael Bay. I complain that Ellen Page doesn't have enough to do. I rewrite the film and give it to M Night Shyamalan to direct. John pitches an Ariadne-Arthur TV show and tries to cast Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the new Spider-Man.

Captain America

email@tysto.com — Mon, 27 May 2013 05:03:06 +0000

Join me for a lovefest for Captain America: The First Avenger. I analyze the structure, give some background on my love for the comic books, and suggest a few minor changes. But mostly I praise the story, performances, and effects at every turn. It's not a perfect movie, but it's a solid one. I compare it to the other Avengers films, Spider-Man, Indiana Jones, Fantastic Four, and Top Secret. I wish we saw a bit more leadership earlier on. I wonder what would happen if Steve still had asthma after taking the Super Soldier serum. And I point out that the Red Skull's flip-flap digital timers are more anachronistic than his closed-circuit television system.

Star Trek 6

email@tysto.com — Mon, 13 May 2013 05:55:12 +0000

Faldor returns to take the place of the Doctor from Speakeasy on a final(?) Star Trek commentary. We examine the film as a treatise on Shakespeare and Sherlock Holmes (and international politics and racism, whatever) and speculate on Kim Catrall's allure. We discuss some background on how the budget constrained Nick Meyer's production values and how he nevertheless prevailed mightily. We like this adventure a lot, roast turkey, purple blood, and all.

The Bourne Identity

email@tysto.com — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 05:09:15 +0000

Faldor joins me for a full look at the first Jason Bourne movie, the heartwarming tale of an amnesiac assassin learning love (and kill) again. We like the film a lot, but we do feel it has its flaws. We compare it to the Bond films, the later Bourne films, Ronin, Hannah, The Italian Job (1969), and Frankenstein. We wonder if Brian Cox has a thing for amnesiac killing machines. We question Matt Damon's commitment to the assassin trade and what Julia Stiles is doing in this movie. I briefly accuse Dolph Lundgren of being German. Faldor briefly accuses Julia Stiles of not being a good actor. I claim that Clive Owen could play any role, including James Bond and Doctor Who (possibly at the same time).

The Road Warrior

email@tysto.com — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 04:08:54 +0000

Join me for the second of the Mad Max films: Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior. It's the heartwarming tale of a group of car enthusiasts looking for love and juice* in the post-apocalypse. I lament the '80s fashions, but I call the film "best of its kind" and "nearly perfect". I compare it to Mad Max, westerns, samurai pictures, Star Wars, war movies, Jesus, Moses, The Matrix, Die Hard, and—eventually—Citizen Kane. And I gush about the cinematography like I never have any other film. Feed fixed!

Plan 9 From Outer Space

email@tysto.com — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 05:11:36 +0000

Join Faldor and me for Ed Wood's 1959's Plan 9 From Outer Space, the heartbreaking tale of aliens who come to Earth to warn us of the dangers of science but who get their eyes blackened by ruffians just because they raised some corpses from the dead for some reason. What do you want? The other 8 plans failed even worse. Faldor and I analyze the mise en scène, the cinéma vérité, and the pâté de foie gras. We explore Ed Wood's career, Bela Lugosi's career, and the career of some people I mix up with others and/or make up. We credit the film with inspiring countless other films and TV that ripped it off, such as Close Encounters, Star Trek, Babylon 5, and Independence Day. I accuse of the film of being accurate and well-acted; Faldor accuses it of being innocent. I call Ed Wood a war hero.

Mad Max

email@tysto.com — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 05:12:08 +0000

Join me for the first of the Mad Max films: Mad Max. It's the heartwarming story of a gang of motorcycle roustabouts who run afoul of the law in a vast and desolate near future where fuel is scarce and no one questions your sexuality. I compare the film to Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior as well as to other fast car pictures, westerns, horror movies, and Mel Gibson's life. I heap praise on nearly every aspect of it to the point that you would think I would call it "nearly perfect" but I don't. I'm not sure why, because the last of the V8s is banging on all cylinders at all times.

Skyfall

email@tysto.com — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 05:12:03 +0000

Bond is back again already in his final turn for a while, with Daniel Craig renewing his contract (perhaps somewhat reluctantly) and seeming a bit weather-beaten. Faldor joins me again and we watch with enthusiasm as many of the tropes are trodden even while the series makes a careful return to form. We delight in the reversals (Bond blows up his OWN LAIR this time! M is a Bond girl! [actually, that's kind of happened before]) and point out the soft spots (Silva is YET ANOTHER insider coming back to haunt M? Severine carries a gun and has bodyguards but they mainly just keep her from running away?).

Quantum of Solace

email@tysto.com — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 05:09:34 +0000

Bond is back and with Daniel Craig returns for revenge (more or less... eventually). Faldor joins me again, and we watch a decent story driven drunkenly into desert and left for dead by Mark Forster. We don't hate the film, but it's so lifeless, humorless, and Bourne-like that there's just almost nothing to love. I love the theme song; Faldor doesn't. We both love the action but wish it had more tying it together. I feel like the villain is basically Roman Polanski and suggest he needs a henchman like Oskar "Blade Runner" Pistoria (the footless Olympic runner and alleged murderer).

The Thing (2011)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 05:45:37 +0000

Join me for a sight unseen commentary for the prequel to my favorite horror movie, The Thing (1982). Since this is not that movie (I already did that with the Doctor from Speakeasy), you might imagine that I would be somewhat sour on this one. But you would be wrong! I give this movie every chance and only later sour on it and regret ever turning it on! Seriously, tho, I wonder about the director, the writer, the story, the leads, key decisions about the art direction, why there weren't any corndogs at Craft Services... everything. But mostly I blame the director.

Casino Royale (2006)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 05:04:23 +0000

Bond is back, and Daniel Craig climbs into the saddle! Faldor from the Down in Front forum joins me again for this, one of the better films of the series. I complain that it doesn't feel very much like Bond, which is one of the things he likes about it. We examine the concept of "soft" reboot and whether M has changed or if it's just Bond. I reflexively identify the cars, but it's not like there are any big chases. The action is mostly on foot and felt, as Bond leaps and bets his way thru what amounts to two films: an action film and a gambling thriller. We compare it to the book and a little bit to other Bond films more. We speculate on Bond's ability to reproduce and copyright an idea for an all-Bond-Junior movie starring several copies of Shia LaBeouf.

Community 1×05 “Adv Criminal Law”

email@tysto.com — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 05:12:28 +0000

Join me as I again join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to watch the fifth episode of Community, one of the best comedy television shows ever. We discuss Luis Guzman, Mark Hamill, going off campus, the theme of cheating, and Annie stuffing her bra.

The Avengers

email@tysto.com — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 05:05:43 +0000

Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we walk thru The Avengers (the loud American one, not the weird British one). We fail to remember what happened in Thor, discuss the structure and character motivations, and general enjoy it. John accuses me of being negative because I think the idea of an Iron Man suit that shoots out of a wall, chases down a falling Tony Stark, opens itself, and somehow puts itself on him while he's falling is a dumb idea. He also has to explain Loki's plot to me, but I remain dubious. (What is his plan for Hulk again?)

Die Another Day

email@tysto.com — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 05:25:17 +0000

Bond is back, and Pierce Brosnan takes his final bow. Faldor and I take it to pieces. We examine the unusualness of the opening prison sequence, parallels between Madonna and Margaret Thatcher, and if Bjork would have been better than either of them, the concept of a steroid overdose, and the complexity of the villain's plan. We lament the awful CGI, double agents within MI6, Michael Madsen, and the lack of penguins in the Arctic. We speculate about Bond's car being a hybrid so it can sneak up on people when invisible. And I do some near-perfect impressions of famous people.

Community 1×04 “Social Psych”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 05:05:43 +0000

Join me as I again join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to watch the fourth episode of Community, one of the best comedy television shows ever. We discuss John Oliver, butt stuff, Jeff vs Vaughn, Eric Charles-Nielson, ultimate Frisbee, and Annie's sweaters.

The Dark Knight Rises

email@tysto.com — Mon, 24 Dec 2012 05:09:33 +0000

Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me for the third of Christopher Nolan's Batmen! We discuss Nolan's shift in approach, the uneven writing, and why we both respond very favorably to the film anyway. We discuss the Batvoice and whether or not the Batcowl squooshes his face and makes him talk that way. We debate Bane's nature (weightlifting painkiller addict?) and why we don't see his face since we saw Dent's charred face. I contend that substantial parts of the story are unnecessary and that it doubles back on itself. John defends it. We compare it to the previous films, James Bond, Catwoman, and strong female characters. We discuss the wonky timeline, my preferred ending, and how great Joseph Gordon-Levitt is no matter what he is or isn't given to do.

The World is Not Enough

email@tysto.com — Mon, 17 Dec 2012 05:14:46 +0000

Bond is back, and Pierce Brosnan is at the top of his game—or perhaps just past it. This is not one of my favorites, but I find that on revisiting it my opinion changes in what I think is a very interesting way. Our villain is kind of mushy. Our Bond girls lovely if a little hard to believe. I don't have much trouble getting thru it even tho I find it quite flat, but you may find that I repeat myself too much and talk too much about the guns and whether or not Bond is sexist, misogynistic, or just a sex addict.

North by Northwest

email@tysto.com — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 05:08:09 +0000

Join me as well as Mike and Max of Commentary Track Stars as we watch another Hitchcock classic. Mike and I love it. Max doesn't like it much (Does Max like anything? Yes: Star Wars and Aliens.) We analyze the film in relation to other Hitchcock thrillers, James Bond, and romances. And we discuss Cary Grant's suit and Hitch's taste in blondes and ridiculous plots. We examine the villains' plans and the good guys' plans. We ruminate on cold war methods of assassination (cropduster being most common, followed by knife throwing and poisoned suits). We discuss weird hotel services and whether or not Roger Ebert is wormhole alien. We take a close, hard look at the geography of Chicago, eastern Indiana, and Mount Rushmore. And we evaluate the likelihood of getting a drink on the Chicago Metra these days.

Community 1×03 “Intro to Film”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 05:08:31 +0000

Join me as I again join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to watch the third episode of Community, one of the best comedy television shows ever. We discuss Annie and Troy, casting younger, California pizza, and interwoven plots.

Tomorrow Never Dies

email@tysto.com — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 04:17:13 +0000

Bond is back, and Pierce Brosnan is on for a second go. This is one of my favorites, despite what anyone else might say. It does have its weaknesses, tho, and I explore both its strengths and failings right along. I love the action, the addition of Wai-Lin, the music, and more. I don't care for Elliott Carver's plan all that much.

Community 1×02 “Spanish 101”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 04:05:27 +0000

Join me as I again join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to watch the second episode of Community, one of the best comedy television shows ever. We discuss the general setup of the show and how the show differs from other sitcoms and why. We discuss Chang and his role in season 1 vs season 2.

Community 1×01 “Pilot”

email@tysto.com — Mon, 05 Nov 2012 04:02:37 +0000

Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to watch the pilot episode of Community, one of the best comedy television shows ever. We discuss the general setup of the show and how the show differs from other sitcoms and why. We discuss how we came to it, and how the characters have changed over the subsequent seasons.

Shaun of the Dead

email@tysto.com — Mon, 29 Oct 2012 04:02:12 +0000

Join us! John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and I embark on a close examination of Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg's ingenious zombie comedy. We spot a few of the references, but mostly talk about the fantastic acting, directing, and intricate writing that make this in my opinion and I think in John's a nearly perfect movie. We talk a little about other zombie movies and Edgar Wright movies and even other ensemble comedy movies along the way to enjoying the hell out of this flick. We're coming to get you, Barbara!

They Live

email@tysto.com — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 04:06:37 +0000

Join me for John Carpenter's polemic against commercialism and rich people and aliens and stuff. Roddy Piper is a drifter looking for work in an economy racked by... consumerism? Keith David is an angry man who absolutely does not want to put on sunglasses NO MATTER WHAT. Meg Foster is the woman whose eyes will FREAK YOU OUT. I examine the rather heavy-handed themes (greed, for lack of a better word, is bad). I point out that John Carpenter might know more about horror than economics but isn't really showing off either one here. And I try to suggest that aliens, say, eating people might be more horrible than aliens selling us Lee Press-on Nails. But whatever, I like the movie a lot and rank it among my favorite Carpenter films.

The Invisible Man

email@tysto.com — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 04:04:09 +0000

Tweet Join me for the heart-warming tale of a scientist gone mad! A madman become invisible! An invisible man gone wild! It’s Claude Rains in James Whales’ 1933 classic The Invisible Man! I don’t really care for this picture beyond Rains’ performance and Gloria Stuart’s sweet, sweet 1930s damsel act, but I try to have … Continue reading →

Vertigo

email@tysto.com — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 04:09:26 +0000

Join me and Mike of Commentary Track Stars as we take a dizzying look from the heights of one of, if not the, best of Hitchcock—best of anyone, according to some.

Goldeneye

email@tysto.com — Mon, 24 Sep 2012 04:06:04 +0000

Bond is back, and Pierce Brosnan is the man. Join me and my guest Faldor as we work our way thru this very enjoyable entry. Unfortunately, Boris hacked into our computers and screwed everything up*, so the second half is kind of weird, but still perfectly listenable, I assure you. We wax philosophical about Bonds, Bond girls, and tank chases, and generally have a good time watching one of our favorites. * Me. I— I screwed everything up. Sooo many times....

Minority Report

email@tysto.com — Mon, 10 Sep 2012 04:07:14 +0000

Join the Doctor and me for a long, hard look (with EYES, get it?) at Minority Report, the heartwarming story of a man who tries really hard not to get caught for a murder he hasn't yet committed and then escapes when he IS caught and blah, blah, blah, it's really long and looks like a commercial for itself. We both actually like the film but are turned off by different aspects of the film making and have a lot of fun puzzling out the twisty plot and mocking the ridiculous parts. Seriously: the eyeballs, am I right?

Pink Five Saga

email@tysto.com — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 03:50:24 +0000

Join me on a fun-filled journey to the stars with Stacy, the Rebel Alliance pilot and eventual jedi, and a few of her closest frenemies as she skirts the edges of the greatest sci fi epic of them all. I watch all four parts currently available. I shill for Trey Stokes to get the final episode funded. I heap ridiculous amounts of praise on it from all angles. And I just generally gush about how funny and professional it is. It's kind of embarrassing, really. Go watch it now on PinkFive.com and contribute to the Kickstarter project!

Fritz Lang’s M

email@tysto.com — Mon, 20 Aug 2012 04:09:18 +0000

Join me for a moody stroll thru 1930 Berlin on the trail of a child murderer in Fritz Lang's fascinating (but not necessarily masterful) first talkie. Peter Lorre is the main attraction, supported by a cast of colorful characters. I examine the three basic ways to view the film (character piece, procedural, and parable on the dangers of vigilanteism). I examine where Lang may be fudging or unsure of what he wants to say. I suggest little improvements like "I would have done this all differently" and "I would have cut out this whole section of the film". And I praise Lorre's performance and the directing in general. I fail to note that the only music is whistling, and it's done only by the killer (famously), the lead detective, and the lead criminal. Why? No idea. Also, I fail to note that the film was shot in 1.2:1, which is kind of weirdly skinny.

Tucker and Dale vs Evil

email@tysto.com — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 04:10:24 +0000

Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me for a look at Eli Craig's clever slasher-in-the-woods spoof. We examine Tucker; we examine Dale; and we examine Evil; and we like what we see (well, not Evil, so much). We don't have a lot of profound insights, but we do have a good time and learn a thing or two about who's who in Hollywood (and Canada).

Batman (1989)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 05:37:31 +0000

Batman is back! Keaton starts his role as Batman against the greatest villain he has ever known: Alexander Knox! I join Soulless Minions, Commentary Track Stars, and Geek Fights for a free-for-all. We mostly like the film but have a lot of fun with its ridiculousness. Stay tuned for the post credits scenes. (TWO of them!)

Watchmen

email@tysto.com — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 04:06:14 +0000

Join me as I join Mike and Max of Commentary Track Stars to watch Watchmen. I've never read the comic book (apparently, they still made comic books for a while after 1984), but Max thinks it's the greatest thing since sliced Shakespeare, so we discuss the relevancy and point of even having a film. We deconstruct the story, themes, motifs, and symbolism. Max and I disagree over whether or not a human could catch a bullet, whether or not Superman could win the Vietnam War, and what Lee Iaccoca's role in the world was. I try to figure out if Ozymandias is gay and if Jackie Earl Haley qualifies as a dwarf. Max and Mike try to figure out how Rorschach's mask works. We all try to figure out what is meant to be satirical versus what is meant to be awesome and is actually kind of lame and also who is history's finest nine-fingered actor. Also, I quiz Mike and Max about other movies I am confusing with this one, but Mike nevertheless answers correctly. Max and I perform a play about gravity. Max angrily denounces Paul Verhoeven and Freepers as serial killers and sex offenders, respectively. Max reveals how he learned to tie a necktie. And Mike explains how two lines of the comic book fix the biggest thing that bothers me about the film.

Batman Returns

email@tysto.com — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 05:03:03 +0000

Batman is back! This time, Josh of Soulless Minions and Mike and Max of Commentary Track Stars take us on a dark and twisted fairy tale to Tim Burton's Gotham City, where penguins inhabit sewers and mystical cats roam alleyways freely. We like the film better than the Schumacher films, but no one likes it as much as I do. It's my favorite of the four. Why are we doing them in reverse order? Because WE'RE CRAZY. Not crazy enough to run around in leather and vinyl, fighting crime, but pretty crazy. I compare the film to Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, Raw Deal, Yojimbo, and The Beautician and the Beast (not really, but I should have). I suddenly notice that Bond has sex with Pam. I question Cubby Broccoli's motives for "testing out" a see-thru swimsuit. I heap praise on it in nearly every respect, but I still don't like it, BUT I admit that I'm probably being unfair, so your mileage may vary.

Green Lantern

email@tysto.com — Mon, 09 Jul 2012 05:10:53 +0000

Join me as I watch Green Lantern for the first time. I marvel as video game characters talk to each other with bad lip sync and an alien gives power limited only by the imagination to a patently irresponsible guy with no imagination. I suggest that 24 is a little young for a woman to become a defense contractor executive. And I boldly imply that character development doesn't consist of various characters simply saying the same words at each other over and over. ("Are you scared, because... your dad, you know?") But Ryan Slightly-Grizzled Reynolds powers thru the pain. The fish guy from Hellboy, a racial stereotype, and an incredibly rude Jedi master are the worst instructors in the galaxy, so he lays down his gun and badge and quits the galactic police force! HA! No, seriously, he totally keeps the gun and badge.... And then—stuff!—and some chit chat, etc. 5-6-7-8-aaaaaand I'm spent.

Licence to Kill

email@tysto.com — Mon, 25 Jun 2012 04:19:03 +0000

Bond is back, and Timothy Dalton is here to stay! (Until the end of the movie.) It's the end of an era, with John Barry already gone, Cubby Broccoli on his way out, and a new Bond, M, Moneypenny, director, and writers waiting in the wings. It's an action-packed, adrenaline-fueled, revenge tale like no other (except for every other '80s action movie). The stunts are spectacular, the villains are unsavory, and the girls are absolutely to die for. I compare the film to Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, Raw Deal, Yojimbo, and The Beautician and the Beast (not really, but I should have). I suddenly notice that Bond has sex with Pam. I question Cubby Broccoli's motives for "testing out" a see-thru swimsuit. I heap praise on it in nearly every respect, but I still don't like it, BUT I admit that I'm probably being unfair, so your mileage may vary.

Raw Deal

email@tysto.com — Mon, 11 Jun 2012 04:12:57 +0000

Arnold Schwarzenegger is back in all his 1980s glory! He's at the height of his killing/quipping powers and ready to— okay, I can't kid you. There's a reason why you and I have never seen this, and it's because it stinks. Join me anyway as I watch for the first time and fill this gap in the Schwarzenegger ouevre. I pick out my favorite quip, revel in the intriguing setup, and marvel at the sets and suits. I identify many of the actors and their cars. I shake my head at the weird plotting. And I accuse Arnold of being a mass murderer.

Batman Forever

email@tysto.com — Mon, 04 Jun 2012 04:11:29 +0000

Join me as I again join Josh from Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy and Mike from Commentary Tracks Stars as we lament the awfulness of Joel Schumacher's Batman Forever. We don't have quite the fun we had with Batman & Robin, but there's plenty to discuss. We note most of the costume changes (and reel changes), compare the film to others in the Batman collection, and speculate on what might have been and what might be in the store for Batman in the future.

Men in Black

email@tysto.com — Mon, 28 May 2012 04:08:22 +0000

Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we relax with an old favorite. Men in Black 3 is in the theaters, so we nod our heads along with Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones in the original. Often imitated (I'm looking at you, Hellboy), never duplicated, it's a modern classic—all the more remarkable for being rewritten on the fly and helmed by the hit-or-miss Barry Sonnenfeld. We talk about Smith and Jones and Sonnenfeld's other films, discuss the sequel, and marvel at the cast in general. I call it a nearly nearly perfect film, and we analyze what makes us hold back on the unconditional love.

Harry Potter 8 (Hallows 2)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 21 May 2012 04:11:53 +0000

IT ALL ENDS in a grand assault on Hogwarts that is in no way like Lord of the Rings! It's a terrific, emotional ending to a terrific series. However, once again, I lament setup-and-payoff issues. I lament Snape's worthless death and Harry's nonsensical non-death. And I lament plot ellipses (they're not holes if they are explained in the book) and propose new endings and variants of key scenes that would make them stronger (YMMV). I compare the film to the Indiana Jones movies and The Wizard of Oz, and I compare The Wizard of Oz to Shakespeare. I accuse Harry of being illiterate. I also decide who gets to graduate.

The Living Daylights

email@tysto.com — Mon, 07 May 2012 04:10:29 +0000

Bond is back, and he's played this time by Timothy Dalton! It's a terrific entry in the series, with spectacular stunts and little that it dumb and cheesy. Maryam d'Abo is the cellist/sniper/freedom fighter/pilot of his dreams—which is good because she's the only beddable female in the film unless you count a much younger and hotter Moneypenny and Pushkin's girlfriend, who suffers terribly considering that she's completely innocent. He's helped along by old friends Felix Leiter and Stewie Griffin. However, I bemoan the rather clownish villains. I point out that Bond helping out Kamran Shah against reasonable and affable Russians might not be the wisest strategy.

Harry Potter 7 (Hallows 1)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 04:44:18 +0000

At last Harry Potter leaves the stifling confines of the musty old castle and takes to the great outdoors! For ages and ages and ages while nothing happens. Join me as I try to make the best of it, but ultimately this is one of my least favorites of the series because there's so little actual plot at the same time that there is so little actual drama. I discuss themes (or the lack thereof), the romance (or lack thereof), motivations, the pleasant development of the actors, and the really good infiltration of the Ministry sequence. But I mostly complain about how Hermione does practically EVERYTHING even at this point, when Harry should be stepping up as hero.

Rear Window

email@tysto.com — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 04:08:02 +0000

Join me and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs as we peer fixedly thru Rear Window. It's a heartbreaking tale of an impotent old man and his ravishing young girlfriend, who can't help but stare into the lives of a lonely woman, a pair of newlyweds, an older married couple, a frustrated composer, an oddball sculptor, and a wholesale jewelry salesman. Thrill to the dinner scene! Cower at the massage scene! Flutter at the Edith Head fashion show! Somehow, Alfred Hitchcock manages to keep us interested and even make us shake with fear without ever showing something so crass and common as a murder. It's one of our favorites, and we have a great time!

2-Headed Shark Attack

email@tysto.com — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 04:06:32 +0000

The Asylum attacks! It's a two-headed shark, Carmen Electra, Charlie O'Connell, Brooke Hogan, and a cast of shark fodder. Along the way, I express bafflement at the purpose of the expedition, I root against certain characters, I call Charlie O'Connell a wuss (and, multiple times, Jerry—sorry), I try to rewrite the story as a JJ Abrams project, and I come up with an idea for a sequel. Overall, I'm solidly not as disappointed as I could have been. It's fun in the sun "hundreds" of miles away from anywhere with a gratuitous topless scene and lots of bikinis. Who am I to complain? And, after watching it again, I realize that nearly all the questions I had are actually answered in the film. This screenplay is watertight!

Harry Potter 6 (Prince)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 04:09:57 +0000

Harry Potter takes a back seat to love and Malfoy in this, the sixth of the eight films. Join me as I over-analyze the goings on and giggle at the smooching. I suggest that Snape and Wormtail could make a good sitcom and that Dumbledore might be encouraging Harry to get a girl pregnant. Luckily, Harry is so thick-headed that he doesn't get that hint... or any other. I discuss the theme and Harry's development thruout the previous films. I complain that Harry doesn't actually do much investigating and that the B plot doesn't reinforce the A plot. And I warn wizards that they could wind up like magical Amish people. But I like this move at least as much as pretty much any of the others for its marvelous control of tone and atmosphere.

The Mechanic (1972)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 04:38:26 +0000

Join me for another fun-filled dive into the world of existentialist hit men and the philosophy and tools of their trade. It's Charles Bronson as the master and Jan Michael Vincent as his lovely leading lady and protege. Thrill to the dialog-free opening 15 minutes! Be electrified by the amazing house, gadgets, and cars! Be weirded out by the suicide-as-spectator-sport sequence! I compare the film to Day of the Jackal, James Bond films, other Bronson films, and Air Wolf. I evaluate the effectiveness of being meticulous against the actual results Arthur achieves. And I occasionally wish that Jan Michael Vincent was a girl and that the girls in the movie could act.

Star Trek 5

email@tysto.com — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 04:19:24 +0000

At last, I rejoin the Doctor for another journey to the stars, this time to find God Himself. The Doctor takes away all my pain and yours to, if you'll only join him in his insane quest to do commentaries for all the Star Trek movies. We discuss the wisdom of Shatner getting to direct just because Nimoy got to direct, the likelihood that Kirk is the source of most of the pain on the Enterprise, the likelihood that I would fall for the old fan dance trick, and much, much more!

Harry Potter 5 (Order)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 04:19:22 +0000

Harry Potter is again on the docket! Watch along with me as I examine what passes for justice in the wizarding world, what passes for teaching in the mind of Dolores Umbridge, and what passes for romance at Hogwarts (one kiss and a pat on the shoulder). This is my least favorite of the Potter films, solely because of Umbridge, but I try to stay positive and focus on the totally sweet training montage and final battles. Okay, maybe I also hate the prophecy stuff and the parts which feel a lot like Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, which are not inconsiderable. Oh, and I once again get Jesus and Moses mixed up. Cut me some slack; they both wore beards and robes and were almost killed as babies.

The Dark Knight

email@tysto.com — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 05:24:15 +0000

Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me for the second of Christopher Nolan's Batmen! We judge it to be the best of breed, with a tour de force performance from Heath Ledger. We discuss plot depth and stuff, like how much of a racist I am (apparently a lot). We debate whether it is a mushy in the middle and which Robertses and Gyllenhaals we can do without. And we agree that this movie would be great with or without a dude dressed as a bat. Also, we consider Milla Jovovich as Catwoman and Bruce Willis as the Penguin or somebody to try to reunite them with Gary Oldman and Tiny Lister from The 5th Element. Here's some more: Ian Holm as Mr. Freeze and Chris Tucker as that dude Liberace played in the old TV show!

Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island

email@tysto.com — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 04:02:26 +0000

Join me as I join Mystery, Inc. for a stroll thru my childhood WITH ZOMBIES. It's Scooby-Doo and the gang reunited in 1998's return to form, even if the voices are slightly wonky. Everybody but Fred had been replaced at this point, and they've changed clothes and jobs, but HEY! It's Scooby-Doo! And there's no damned Scrappy! I compare the film to the original series, to other Hanna-Barbara cartoons of the era (Speed Buggy, Jabber Jaw, Josie and the Pussycats). I talk about the current and original voice actors and their other work. Plus, I do a Frank Welker impression! (That's what I was doing at the beginning there, when I was talking about "special guest stars". It was actually Frank Welker doing Gregory Peck and/or Nibbler.)

Harry Potter 4 (Goblet)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 04:06:27 +0000

Harry Potter is back! Join me as we watch him on the Jumbotron, competing in the Quadwizard Tournament against dragons, dancing, merfolk, and bushes. I explore Dumbledore's willful mispronunciations, Ron's many alternatives to going to the ball in a costume rejected by Jon Pertwee, and the likelihood of what appears to be half a dozen Death Eaters terrorizing what seems to be 100,000 or so wizards at the Quidditch World Cup. I again ask the question "Why does any of this happen?" I put forth a clear and concise alternative for Barty Crouch, Junior's ridiculous plan. I propose an explanation as to why the tournament must go on. I maintain my theory that Filch and Mrs. Norris are married. And I explore the possibility that Hermione gave the big V to Viktor, if you know what I mean.

Harry Potter 3 (Prisoner)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 04:37:26 +0000

It's Harry Potter, back for a third helping of myth, magic, teen angst, and lots and lots of chocolate! I walk thru the structure of the story, character motivations, and time travel theories. I wonder who needs a permission slip to go shopping but not to fly around in a thunderstorm. I ask the musical question "Why does any of this happen?" And I worry about illegal boggart abuse. I try to figure out the story-behind-the-story to understand what Lupin and Black are thinking and come up confused and bewildered. I wonder if there is a little homosexual subtext to go with the homosexual text. And I worry that Hermione, like Buckbeak, is going to be sentenced to death for striking a Malfoy.

A View to a Kill

email@tysto.com — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 05:12:47 +0000

Roger Moore is back for his last rodeo as James Bond! It's a rather slow, somewhat dull, kind of haphazard adventure filled with lovely women and also Grace Jones! Honestly, there's not a lot to say about this one. The whole formula is a bit tired and threadbare. I try to make the best of it and have fun by noting how stopping a guy who is making EMP-proof chips available to the world is kind of a jerk goal for British Intelligence. I point out how Zorin is awfully clumsy about keeping his activities quiet when he puts his name on every chip and has them packed for shipping in his basement.

Harry Potter 2 (Chamber)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 04:39:00 +0000

Join me for the second leap into fantastic adventures of puddles of water and CGI spiders and cars that act silly as I watch and comment on Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I like this film second or third best of the series, but that doesn't mean I cut it any slack. (Actually, I think I cut it slack on at least two occasions.) I again analyze the plot and compare it to myths and folklore. I admire the structure and pacing. And I wonder why NO ADULTS ARE INVESTIGATING THESE TERRIFYING EVENTS.

Harry Potter 1 (Stone)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 04:43:32 +0000

Join me in for the first step into the magical world of British character actors, child-sized horror mystery, and wild swings of tone as I watch and comment on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I like the series quite a lot and this film is no exception. Your mileage may vary. I've never read any of the books, so I stick almost entirely to exploration of the movies. But I analyze the plot and compare it to myths and folklore and the other films in the series. I compare the characters here with their development (or lack thereof—or even regression) in the later films. And I touch on visual effects, consistency, setup-and-payoff, and mommy logic.

Batman & Robin

email@tysto.com — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 04:03:32 +0000

Join me as I join Josh from Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy, Mike and Damon from Geek Fights, and (about 90 minutes in) Mike from Commentary Tracks Stars as we celebrate the awfulness of Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin. Josh is ambivalent (in that he can barely stand it). I praise the set design and remain staunchly in denial of any gay subtext. Mike and Damon profess love that sours over the course of film. And CTS Mike just despises it. Over all, we have a great deal of fun with it. I quote my 8-year-old nephew a few times. We speculate on superhero Donald Trump and Richard Branson. We try to figure out how a 21-year-old Barbara has a mother who was young in the 1940s. We wonder why Bane is even in this movie. And we marvel that Mr. Freeze's suit is powered by puns.

Gattaca

email@tysto.com — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 04:03:41 +0000

Josh and John are back again for another three-commentator commentary, this time for Andrew Niccol's Gattaca. We compare it to Niccol's later films, discuss performances and art direction, and analyze the plot. We have varying degrees of respect for the movie, but none of us hate it.

Batman Begins

email@tysto.com — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 04:50:39 +0000

Join John Pavlich and me for the first of Christopher Nolan's Batmen and thrill to the excitement of flashbacks(!) and training sequences(!) and more (but not a lot more). We both like the film, but maybe not as much as we did when before seeing The Dark Knight. We talk Batman comic books, other Nolan movies, Joker vs Scarecrow, Scarecrow vs Falcone, Britons vs Americans, and Holmes vs Gyllenhaal.

Terminator 2 (theatrical cut)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 04:05:23 +0000

Join me for a trip thru one of the greatest action movies of all time. It's the heartwarming story of a boy and his robot and his mom living off the fat of the land and blowing stuff up, driving like crazy people, and shooting guns ineffectively. I examine the themes and visual motifs, discuss James Cameron in general, and compare the film to the original and other sequels and to other films. I temporarily misidentify a car (heaven forbid!), and stumble thru discussion of theme and motif, and speculate on where the rest of the original terminator skeleton got to.

Big Trouble in Little China

email@tysto.com — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 04:12:32 +0000

There's big trouble brewing in Chinatown! Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we go into the tunnels under San Francisco to fight David Lo Pan and retrieve the lovely Miao Yin and Gracie Law! In this impromptu commentary, we discuss the film's origins in pulp fiction and connections to Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones, Bruce Lee movies, and other John Carpenter movies. We gush like schoolgirls at times, and agree that the film is virtually if not actually nearly perfect.

Machete

email@tysto.com — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 04:08:31 +0000

Danny Trejo IS Machete, the hard-charging illegal immigrant of your nightmares. Robert DeNiro is the Italian/Irish/Texan state senator. Jessica Alba is the the superhot tight-pantsed Immigration agent. Michelle Rodriguez (no relation to our co-director Robert) is the superhot taco truck lady! And that guy who is always a villain in these kinds of movies is the villain in this movie! Join me as I watch it for the first time and narrate the bloody mess! Also! Don Johnson! Steven Seagal! Cheech Marin! Tom Savini! It's completely ridiculous how many famous actors are crammed into this movie! Except Devon Aoki! That is NOT—repeat NOT—Devon Aoki! I almost forgot Lindsey Lohan! Who gets naked! As do other ladies, some more and some less full-frontally!

Galaxy Quest

email@tysto.com — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 04:04:42 +0000

It's an all-star commentary with myself, John of Sofa Dogs and Josh of Soulless Minions! We love the film, the cast, Star Trek, and pretty much everything else, so join us for the fun! We analyze the Trek and other sci-fi references, the careful setup and payoff of the screenplay, and how the effects hold up even from yea-back in 1999. John talks about his Brush With Shatner, Josh brings the hardcore Trek nerdery, and I invent the word "blusterbuss" (tm).

Never Say Never Again

email@tysto.com — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 04:15:05 +0000

Bond is back and Connery is playing him! It's the one-off Thunderball remake of sorts that comes, as all great things do, courtesy of a contentious lawsuit. It's the goulash of Bond films, with a little of everything and all, surprisingly, in about the right measure. The music is bad but the gadgets are good, the babes are bodacious, and the villain is batshit crazy with a hint of whimsy. I analyze the differences and striking similarities in the structure and plotting, compare it to other Bond films, assess the Bondiness of Connery's 12-years-later Bond, and question why he's now working for the Jackal.

Dinocroc

email@tysto.com — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 04:09:49 +0000

Roger Corman is back, and he brought Dinocroc with him! It's the 2004 monster movie Dinocroc. Join me if you dare as I cue this baby up and watch it for the first time. Thrill to the shadowy swamps! Tremble as the monster stalks its prey (again and again and again)! Shimmy as the Scooby-Doo trap is sprung! I get my superhot-women-with-serpentine-features mixed up (and give my recommendations for worm-based Scottish folk rock). I compare the film to all the usual suspects and desperately try to have fun with it in general. It's no Sharktopus, but it will have to do.

Willow

email@tysto.com — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 04:09:47 +0000

Join me and my special guests Josh and Justin from Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy on a magical trip thru some Medieval fantasyland or other. It's the heartwarming story of a humble peasant (who is totally not a hobbit or a moisture farmer) who goes on a quest that has nothing to do with destroying an evil overlord or saving an adult princess. Along the way, he gains an item of mystical power (which is not at all a ring of invisibility or a laser sword) and teams up with a pair of comical sidekicks (who are clearly not hobbits or robots) as well as a loveable rogue (who is definitely not a ranger of royal descent or a smuggler in trouble with a gangster) and gets magical help from a wise and mystical old mentor (who is in no way an old magic-wielding wizard or an old sword-wielding mystical monk). We discuss the novelization and possible inspirations, explore its themes and tone, and weigh its strengths and weaknesses. We like the film a lot but also have a lot of fun with it. I can't remember most of the characters' names, but I do get a chance to bust out my knowledge of ancient literature.

Star Trek 4

email@tysto.com — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 04:10:39 +0000

It's another Trek! Join the Doctor and me again for the one where Spock swears and Kirk fails to score and the rest of the crew does an amazing job of stealing some whales: a.k.a. "the corny one." Nevertheless, the Doctor and I enjoy it enormously and don't poke too much fun at its premise of a giant space Tootsie Roll menacing Earth with a really loud stereo and traveling back in time to bring back whales to talk to it. It's just ridiculous, but the jokes are actually mostly funny, and the characters are great.

A Haunting in Salem

email@tysto.com — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 04:10:17 +0000

The Asylum is back, and they're bringing the scares for Halloween! Join me as I watch A Haunting in Salem for the first time and enjoy the thrills and chills on my way to enjoying the hell out of this movie. I analyze the legend-within-a-legend idea, the value of renovating bathrooms and kitchens, the rules of daytime vs nighttime haunting, the texting skills of 1950s ghosts, and the curious love of landscape pictures the family has. Along the way, I quail in fear and disgust at actors' dirty feet, determine which of the Van Dykes is the least Van Dykey, decide that I want to see woolly mammoth ghosts, come to the conclusion that I may need to murder someone in my own house to give it atmosphere, and lay some word-nerdery on you.

Resident Evil

email@tysto.com — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 04:15:21 +0000

John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs Podcast and I have a good time with the commandos vs zombies picture Resident Evil. We prepare to take it apart but— but— for all its flaws, we basically love the damn thing. So join us as we examine the structure, the references to the game and to Alice in Wonderland, the cribs from other action films, and which handsome white dude is which. We speculate as to why the commandos would leave their gas masks and take the people they're "rescuing" deeper into danger, why Alice decided on combat boots instead of heels, and why the the Red Queen wants to chop everyone's head off so badly. And we try to figure out who just got killed and who really remembers what when, and and whether or not Michelle Rodriguez plays the tough, streetwise kitty in the 2008 direct-to-video A Cat's Tale.

Octopussy

email@tysto.com — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 04:02:51 +0000

Bond is back again for lucky number 13! Yes, it's still Roger Moore cranking out the cheeky remarks. This time, 007 must stop a ring of international smugglers/circus folk auctioning off—and buying back—priceless Russian treasures, altho why he cares I don't know. They're not British treasures, after all. The women are beautiful—except for the creepy one whom I suspect to be a snake in a wig—and the villains and stunts are passable if not spectacular. The sets are likewise lacking in scale, but at least the plot and plot devices are mostly believable. I examine the origin of "Octopussy" and whether or not she's a stronger character than other Bond women—such as the other Bond woman who looked exactly like her—and also the wisdom of taking several minutes to put on clown makeup when it leaves you with a mere 90 seconds to save a big chunk of Germany.

The Mist

email@tysto.com — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 04:13:36 +0000

John Pavlich and I watch the low-budget King-Darabont horror The Mist! This is my first commentary for a movie I outright dislike. John is more forgiving... at least until the end. But we keep it light and have a great time picking it apart and still give credit where credit is due. We try to figure out exactly what bugs* us about it and what could have been done to fix it. We compare it to High Noon, "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street", Alien, and Footloose. And I sing a little Joan Baez. So... don't miss that.

Blade Runner (final cut)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 04:49:31 +0000

Join the Doctor from Speakeasy and me as we watch one of the most influential film noir movies of all time. Thrill to the dark, rainy setting! Gasp at the rumpled trenchcoats! Stand in awe of the game of 20 questions! We dissect the film as sci-fi as well as film noir. We attempt to determine what "blades" are being "run". We compare the film to other sci-fi movies, other Ridley Scott movies, and other Philip K Dick stories. And we discuss the possibility of Deckard being a replicant—which he DEFINITELY IS NOT BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE STUPID, RIDLEY SCOTT.

Jonah Hex

email@tysto.com — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 05:11:38 +0000

Join me (or don't; seriously) as I take my first look at Jonah Hex, the heartwarming story of a disfigured man who finds love with a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold and yet abandons her. Also, John Malkovich tries to destroy America with his liberal agenda. And by "liberal" I mean the liberal application of cannon fire. Note, however, that he does this with a boat and not something crazy like a giant mechanical spider and entertaining dialog. Josh Brolin is Jonah Hex because it would have been silly to cast, say, Will Smith in the role of a cowboy given a mission to save the country by President Grant. Aiden Quinn is President Grant because Kevin Kline wasn't available. And Megan Fox is the girl who helps out but doesn't stay with him because Salma Hayak was not orange enough.

Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 04:47:17 +0000

One, two, Freddy's comin' for you and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast and me as we watch Freddy and Johnny Depp's debuts in a heartwarming coming-of-age story. We wax rhapsodical about Wes Craven and other low-budget horror. We compare this film to others of its type and to the remake. And we forgive any and all faults with the possible exception of John Saxon's comb-over. Listen as we deconstruct the film as an allegory for young adulthood, parental neglect, fear of the dark, female empowerment, and unwanted hat pregnancy. And don't miss Roger Rabbit's poster of a kitty riding a trolley!

Jurassic Park – 100th commentary spectacular

email@tysto.com — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 04:09:09 +0000

WELCOME!!! to the Tysto 100th Commentary Spectacular!!! Join me for a showcase of early CGI as God intended it: DINOSAURS!!! I welcome Bea Arthur and Foreigner as special guests!!! And dancing girls!!! I even ride a live dinosaur trained to the saddle!!! Jurassic Park is the heartwarming story of people who get trapped in an old dark house with Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, Bela Lugosi, and Peter Lorre, played by DINOSAURS!!! I gush rhapsodical about the dinosaurs and other action. I complain slightly about the flatness of the Alan and Ellie characters. I compare the film to Jaws and explain the structure with its various types of pipe-laying. And I depress myself slightly by looking up whether or not the Pirates of the Caribbean ride ever actually killed anyone.

For Your Eyes Only

email@tysto.com — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 04:14:43 +0000

Bond is back! This time, the film makers mine the depths of Fleming's short stories and cobble something together that is... pretty dang good, actually. There are no gadgets, the girls are not great, and there are no fantastic Ken Adam sets, but there's also nothing much to really hate—except the idiotic Blofeld appearance at the beginning. I examine the construction of the plot, defend it against those who say it's too much like From Russia with Love, and complain that Locque isn't much of a villain. I lament the birth defect that left Carole Bouquet with a non-functioning forehead and a mustache nearly as luxurious as Topol's, as well as whatever it is that makes Lynn-Holley Johnson so annoying and seven years too old to be to young for James Bond. And I lament the fact the Roger Moore is just too old to run up all those steps.

The Fly (1986)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 04:16:36 +0000

Join me and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast again, this time for a freaky, gooey ride thru Cronenberg-land, a land of magic and mystery and "flesh" and cool cars, located near scenic Toronto. We analyze the themes of substance abuse, transformation, and disease; wonder who is the craziest character; and ultimately blame the whole mess on the baboon. We marvel at the economy and deftness of storytelling, discuss the tragic romance and operatic angle, and compare it to the sequel, to the first draft, and somewhat to other transformation monster movies. I call the film nearly perfect and declare Jeff Goldblum to be his Goldblumiest.

2012: Ice Age

email@tysto.com — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 04:11:29 +0000

The Asylum is back! And without commercials! And that guy from Summer School (no, not Mark Harmon) and that girl from Growing Pains (no, not Tracey Gold) drive and fly and walk and otherwise travel from the frozen north to the soon-to-be-frozen slightly-further-south. Join me as I watch it for the first time and gradually figure out what city (or what coast, for that matter) the film is set in (I wasn't paying a lot of attention at the beginning). I analyze the motives of the protagonists (survive; get daughter) and the antagonists (smash whichever coast we're set in). Along the way, I make up a background for the mysterious and otherwise creditless director Travis Fort. I wax poetical about the various vehicles the characters travel in. I contemplate the dangers of "snornados". I say some things that might get me beaten up the next time I go to New York (our nation's capital), New Jersey (its retarded brother), and Canada (it only has two cities and its savage people worship glaciers). And I imagine other (copyrighted!) ways of portraying the glacier, such as by giving it an English accent and a hunchback.

Star Trek 3

email@tysto.com — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 03:10:17 +0000

Join me as I join the Doctor again for our third trek! This is the one where Spock is reborn, and McCoy carries Spock's mind alongside his own mind, and Sulu changes clothes at inappropriate times. We examine the ideas of Vulcan mind transfer, naked racism in the Federation, and the meanness of wrapping reborn people in their own death shrouds. We also discuss whether or not McCoy almost accidentally picks up an alien prostitute, whether or not Scotty is basically R2D2, and whether or not Kirk answers Spock's question honestly when Spock asks "The ship safe?" And along the way, you'll learn which scientific discoveries the Doctor condemns as dangerously unpredictable and why my first sexual experience was like Spock's.

The Matrix

email@tysto.com — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 04:21:34 +0000

Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we watch Johnny Utah go toe to toe with Elrond with a little help from Cowboy Curtis in the 1999 emo action thriller that started a revolution! We wax philosophical over dreamscapes, simulations, body horror, the juxtaposition of old and new technology, and the wearing of super cool sunglasses at night! I reveal my secret Internet hacker name, John reveals what Star Wars films he has not seen, and we both examine what works and what doesn't quite work for each of us. We discuss the sequels a little bit when they inform this film, but most take the movie on its own terms. John is momentarily dumbfounded by the thought of Carrie-Anne Moss' boobs in Red Planet; I am momentarily dumbfounded by the thought of Katie Holmes' boobs in The Gift.

The Day of the Jackal

email@tysto.com — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 04:06:09 +0000

Michael Lonsdale is back! And this time he's the good guy, tracking down an international killer known only by the code name "Hello Sailor!" or whatever the French equivalent is. Join me as, despite my cold, I put on a perfect French accent (London, France, to be exact) and cue up this tense Cold-War-era thriller about how terrible the French army is at killing people. Despite the ~~flabby~~ meticulous plotting and the ~~long~~ luxurious running time, the pacing is excellent. I explore what could have been cut without hurting the film and what could have been tightened up to help it. And I mock the hilarious French cars. Oh, and bonus if you watch along with me: French ta-tas. Ooh la la!

Moonraker

email@tysto.com — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 04:11:01 +0000

Jaws is back, and Bond fights him! (again and again...) It's the eleventh Bond, and I admire the sights, the women, the stunts, the women's revealing wardrobe, the model shots, the model-actresses, and the incredible Ken Adam sets. I don't do much car spotting or gun spotting because Bond drives boats and fights hand-to-hand pretty much the whole movie. *sigh* The comedy is slapsticky (vaudevillian, to be exact), and the story is a loose collection of great set pieces connected by cardboard arrows. (Venetian glass? Go to Venice! Crates that say "Rio"? Go to Rio! Toxin from the Amazon? Go to the Amazon! Space shuttles? Go to space!) Plus, the villain's plan is basically the same as in the last movie (kill everyone, clean up the corpses with bulldozers, repopulate). Still, I don't think it's the worst Bond of them all. (Your mileage may vary.)

Star Wars 6: Return of the Jedi

email@tysto.com — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 04:25:21 +0000

Join me for the last of the Star Wars films ever made! (Later films notwithstanding. Offer void where prohibited.) I analyze the romance, the bromance, and the dromance. I try to figure out the timeline again. I compare the Empire’s work-life-balance policies with the Alliance’s. And I deconstruct the episodic nature of this film and the previous one. I analyze the lack of proper planning evident thruout the film, including the method of constructing Death Star II. I once again declare my love for ewoks, perhaps a little too strongly…. I forgive C-3P0 somewhat. And I do lots of incredibly precises impressions of various characters. (Your mileage may vary. This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.)

Zombieland

email@tysto.com — Mon, 30 May 2011 04:59:20 +0000

It's John Pavlich from the Sofa Dogs podcast hosting me for a commentary on the zom-com-non-bomb Zombieland. It's the heartwarming tale of a nerdy college student's search for someone to "pass the gravy" to. It's also the moving tale of a childless father's search for vengeance and Twinkies. And it's also the shocking tale of two con-artist sisters' search for a shower and an amusement park where there are no lines. And it's ALSO the heartbreaking tale of Bill Murray getting shot for pretending to be a zombie, like an idiot. Join John and me for a fast run to Pacific Playland, where you will learn why Down in Front dropped the ball on their commentary for this film, the rules for survival in a Zombie apocalypse, and who you're gonna call (Ghostbusters).

Run, Lola, Run

email@tysto.com — Mon, 23 May 2011 04:26:31 +0000

Join me as I rush thru the 1998 German film Run, Lola, Run, the pulse-pounding story of a girl running around Berlin over and over until she gambles her way to happiness. I compare the film to video games and religious allegory—which it is not—and to fairy tales, humanist philosophy, and roulette—which it is. I wax poetical about free will vs determinism and chance vs causation. I discuss the film's somewhat arch use of numerous techniques to represent the different stories and time frames. But I'm so deep into philosophy I forget to identify any guns or cars other than Manni's Walther PPK. I explain the color motifs (Manni = blue and yellow; Lola = green, red, and blue) and the other visual motifs (spirals, grids, breaking glass). I compare the different runs (green/running, red/thinking, blue/feeling). And I chide reviewers for wishing the film was deeper when THE WHOLE POINT OF THE FILM is that asking deep questions is a trap, and you've just got to run and love and trust and hope for the best.

Almighty Thor (not Marvel)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 16 May 2011 05:50:27 +0000

It's a genuine mockbuster from The Asylum, so join me and my special guest Wegel Pinsky—if you dare—as we slog thru the adventures of a totally-not-mighty Thor being schooled by a Mexican chick to fight a superpowerful Darth Loki in the forests of Scandinavia and, for some reason, alleys of Los Angeles and repeatedly losing his weapons. It probably doesn't help that we've just come from seeing the Marvel Thor movie in the theater and more-or-less enjoyed it. We try to figure out just what the characters are trying to do and why the chick with the weird name and weirder accent knows everything and Thor knows nothing. We try to figure out why Richard Grieco is just wandering around. And we try to figure out if this is the worst movie we've ever seen or just one of the worst movies we've ever seen. We enjoy the terror dogs from Ghostbusters and the lindworms from—I don't know—Lind? Do not operate heavy machinery after watching this film.

Aliens (special edition)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 09 May 2011 04:15:43 +0000

James Cameron blasts you out of a cannon (after loading you and packing you with powder for, like, 40 minutes) at a whole host of aliens (which you don't actually hit for another 35 minutes) in this sequel to the timeless monster movie Alien. Join me as I examine the special edition and its themes of motherhood and self-actualization and blowin' sh*t up and corporations are bad. I compare the film to the original and to various other films by Cameron and others. I go Wierzbowski hunting. I imagine Jerry Seinfeld in place of Paul Reiser. I call it "nearly perfect", altho I lament the concept of the alien hive with a queen. And I call out all the little Cameron-romance moments ("We're gonna die! I kind of like you!").

Star Trek 2

email@tysto.com — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 15:22:40 +0000

Join me as I join the Doctor again for another trek into space! Together, we examine the meaning of friendship and sacrifice and [shifts jaw awkwardly] "human". We examine the structure of the story and debate the artificiality of Shatner's hair and Montalban's chest. We contemplate Sean Connery as a scholar of Judaism and wonder about how Sulu spent the time between TPM and WoK and also how many times Kirk has had to fight an illegitimate child to the death. Overall, we love the film, altho it is perhaps slightly more talky and less profound than many would like to pretend. I can't remember the phrase "affirmative action". And we get cut off briefly at one point but quickly get back on track.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

email@tysto.com — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 04:35:19 +0000

Indy’s back for the third and final time! (Unless you count the fourth film.) Join me as I examine the way the third film returns to familiar territory in welcome ways… and then kind of wears out its welcome by the end. I explore the father-son theme, the shift from Jewish to Indian to Christian to, um, alien religion and the way the tone has shifted from a little too dark to a little too light. Overall, I love the film, tho, and never take to bashing it.

The Maltese Falcon

email@tysto.com — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 04:23:02 +0000

Join me as I watch Humphrey Bogart take on Sidney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre—not to mention that duplicitous whore Mary Astor—in John Huston's version of Dashiell Hammett's The Maltese Falcon. I compare it to the book a little (it's nearly identical) and the 1931 version (it's way better), as well as Citizen Kane and later films noir and hard-boiled detective films. I complain about Astor's performance (and general non-sexiness, if you ask me) and about the somewhat repetitive talkiness of the film, but I really do love it. I just can't quite call it "nearly perfect". I take it apart and examine the pieces, particularly the character motivations and directorial style and explain what an "automatic revolver" is.

Titanic II

email@tysto.com — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 04:15:31 +0000

It's the Asylum again, back for another sight-unseen commentary, this time with 100% fewer giant monsters! I don't know if that's a good thing, but it certainly makes for a higher quality film, easily besting the original 1997 James Cameron romantic-tragedy epic boo-hoo-fest, which I hated like Pol Pot and Baby Doc Duvalier. There are no pop stars in this one, just a solid performance by Bruce Davison, a welcome bit by Brooke Burns, and a decent job by writer/director/star Shane Van Dyke as well as by the lips attached to Marie Wesbrook. I make fun of some names, some effects, and various ship nonsense. At times, I long for a mega shark and pray for the iceberg to eat a helicopter, but overall I liked it and was rather impressed by it. If this had been put out by a major studio with Roland Emmerich money for effects and advertising, it would have been a genuine blockbuster. (Which is different from saying it would have been a good film, by the way.)

Star Trek 1: TMP

email@tysto.com — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 04:25:19 +0000

The Doctor joins me again for another walk down memory lane, this time with Robert Wise and Alan Dean Foster's tribute to 2001: A Space Odyssey and slow-motion model work. We both love the film and William Shatner and Persis Khambatta and the idea that Decker might just be responsible for creating the Borg. We're watching the director's cut, with the silver "Paramount Pictures Presents" lettering at the beginning and not the theatrical cut with the gold lettering. The differences are not enormous.

The Spy Who Loved Me

email@tysto.com — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 06:01:37 +0000

It's the heart-wrenching tale of chance meetings between wounded hearts, daring to reach out, daring to trust again. Also, a 7-foot-tall metal-jawed psychopath bites people to death while his boss captures submarines. Join me for the tenth Bond film and one of the very best. This remains my favorite, but that doesn't mean it's perfect. I compare it to the book that it's nothing like. I thrill at the adventure and swoon at the passion (well, cleavage). I mock the acting and disco music. I point out the—ahem—"re-use" of previous Bond plot devices. And I marvel at the incredible plan/backup plan/backup backup plan that Stromberg seems to repeatedly employ.

Mega Python vs Gatoroid

email@tysto.com — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 05:44:23 +0000

It's another Asylum monster/pop star extravaganza, this time with both Debbie Gibson and Tiffany [last name unknown], as well as a Martinez. 'Which Martinez?' you ask? THE Martinez. And a host of pythons and alligators-that-look-more-like-crocodiles-to-me rise out of the Everglades to attack Florida, which I again write off as a total loss. (Seriously, America, we're fully insured, right?) There is pop music (some of which is pretty damn good), cars, and helicopters that change shape in mid-air. There's a herpatologist who can fly a helicopter and an animal rights activist who cares passionately about releasing non-native predators into Florida swamps. Other highlights: swallowing, biting, shooting, and cleavage. Plus, a secret surprise I guarantee will surprise you with its secret! I praise the acting (I think; it's tough to remember all the crap I say, sometimes) but ding the directing (close-ups of people getting eaten is fundamentally cinematically different from people getting eaten).

Star Wars 5: The Empire Strikes Back (special ed.)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 05:31:11 +0000

Join me for a fourth helping of the Star Wars saga, this time dismantling the best film of the series. I examine Luke's story within the film and within the saga, as well as Vader's. I analyze Han and Leia's story as a romantic tragedy hors d'oeuvre that barely connects to the real story. And I compare the film to the prequels, Casablanca, adventure serials of the 1930s, samurai and western movies, Flash Gordon, and The Karate Kid. I try to determine the timeline, point out John Ratzenberger, and do stunningly life-like impressions of George Lucas and Darth Vader. I psychoanalyze Yoda and question Lando's sexuality. Courting controversy, I declare my love for ewoks, root for Admiral Piett to retire to a villa on the Black Sea, and imagine daily life for stormtroopers. And I confidently assert that Han and Leia closed the deal by the time they met Vader at Cloud City.

Man w/ Golden Gun

email@tysto.com — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 11:07:31 +0000

Bond's ninth outing is Moore's second. Join me as I analyze the story, the girls, the cars, the gadgets—by which I mean the fake nipple—and the seemingly endless, awful JW Pepper scenes. However, I actually find myself defending the film against the haters and end up enjoying it fairly well on its own merits, at least a fair amount more than I did Live and Let Die. I point out the not-so-subtle foreshadowing, analyze Scaramanga as a villain and Andrea as an ally. I try to figure out what country we're in, what the purpose of the custom golden gun is, and what Nick Nack's motivation is. I enjoy Maud Adams and Brit Eckland, and I positively adore the half-sunken ship secret spy office.

The Terminator

email@tysto.com — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 06:00:55 +0000

Linda Hamilton is a diner waitress who rises to the occasion when a robot killer from the future drives his Delorean at 88 miles an hour to leap into the past in hopes of keeping his parents from meeting... or something like that. Michael Biehn is sent back to stop him and engage in some baby-makin'—and that's worth arriving naked in LA for. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a relentless robot and also happens to play a relentless robot who gets an apartment to settle down and rest and keep a kitty. And Bill Paxton and Lance Henriksen are killed by their first franchise monster, with long and illustrious careers ahead of them where they repeatedly get killed by franchise monsters. I mistakenly say Henriksen is killed by a predator in Predator 2, but it's actually Alien vs Predator. I compare the film to Star Wars, Westworld, King Kong, Aliens, The Thing From Another World, Halloween, Back to the Future, and Harvey. I do a Jimmy Stewart impression. I bleep myself a couple of times to avoid the explicit tag. And I say that Brigitte Nielsen—who does not appear in this film—is German when she is actually Danish.

Mega Piranha

email@tysto.com — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 11:29:00 +0000

Over-sized piranhas are attacking Venezuela! Join me as I watch the film for the first time and attempt to figure out what is going on; why fish bark, roar, and oink; and why everything seems to have been shot at 6 o'clock in the evening. Listen as I identify the multiple artificial ticking clocks, write off the entire state of Florida, and calculate the growth rate of genetically modified fish on a scratch pad several times—oh wait, the characters do that last one. I research the extensive film biographies of Tiffany [last name unknown], Barry Williams, Paul "I'm not Paul Hogan" Logan, and director Eric Forsberg and come up pretty dry. However, they all do a pretty great job, so I have no complaints. Oh wait, I do complain that the titles aren't left on screen long enough. (I'm a slow reader!) And I complain that there aren't any subtitles or extras on the Blu-ray. That's right—I'm watchin' this puppy on Blu-ray! (from the $5 bargain bin) No more commercials! Bonus: brown lady boobs!

Psycho (1960)

email@tysto.com — Thu, 30 Dec 2010 20:54:01 +0000

Jamie Lee Curtis' mom takes it on the lam! Join me as I have a hell of a lot of fun examining Alfred Hitchcock's great low-budget suspense flick. I compare it to Hitch's other work, to the 1998 shot-for-shot remake, and to Death Proof, The Searchers, A Fistful of Dollars, and Dirty Harry. I quote from Peter Bogdonovich's book a few times. And I examine the motifs and symbols (birds = chicks; windows = windows). I mix up the name of the town and the name of the cemetery several times. I bring up the delicate subjects of Mama Bates' age and the depth of Norman's desert swamp. Plus, I rewrite the picture so it's as conventional as possible—with a happy ending! Oh, and I laugh like a ninny. Enjoy!

Time After Time

email@tysto.com — Sun, 19 Dec 2010 00:46:05 +0000

Join the Doctor and me in the far-flung future of 1979, where we watch Caligula doggedly track down the Master Control Program and make sweet, sweet love to Doc Brown's wife. We compare English and American ideas of currency, gentlemen's clubs, health care systems, and free love. We compare the character of Wells to Sherlock Holmes and Kyle Reese. And we compare the film to the 1960 The Time Machine as well as to Air Wolf. We wonder why the time machine has an AM radio. But we fail to give Nicholas Meyer credit for sending his characters to the Chartered Bank of London and not to an imaginary "Bank of England." (Damn you, IMDb trivia page!)

2010: Moby Dick

email@tysto.com — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 03:47:43 +0000

Barry Bostwick and Renée O'Connor team up to hunt down a gigantic whale somewhere in the south seas in this 2010 tale of a man, a whale, and a dream of killing that whale. Watch with me as I:

Watch it for the first time
Compare it extensively to the original Herman Melville novel (it's about a guy hunting a whale)
Pick apart the intricacies of the plot (guy hunts whale, whale tries to eat aircraft in peace)
Analyze the symbolism (leg = penis; whale = thing that eats penises)
Get my 1978 Battlestar Galactica references all wrong (Starbuck = Apollo, Cassiopeia = Serina, robot dog = son, "biddi-biddi-biddi" = Twiki from Buck Rogers)
Review whale biology (female whales have udders, right?)
Never, ever compare it to Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, which this is better than

I praise the sets, CGI, directing, and acting—where appropriate (I'm lookin' at you, guy-with-the-blank-stare-of-a-cow). And I complain that everything is lit like an Italian restaurant. Enjoy!

Live and Let Die

email@tysto.com — Thu, 25 Nov 2010 16:10:13 +0000

Bond is back in number eight, and Moore is playing him for the first time. Everything is different, except that the cars are American again, the dames are American again, and the action is kind of lame again. But—hey—the bad guys are black this time! I mock Felix Leiter and Whisper and condemn Rosie Carver and writer Tom Mankiewicz. I analyze Mr. Big's ruthlessly over-efficient gang machine. I mock Paul McCartney's grammar (but fail to mention how Bond dissed the Beatles in Goldfinger). I compare the film to the earlier entries, to the book, to blaxploitation movies, and to Smokey and the Bandit. I praise Seymour, Kotto, and Moore, but mostly I complain that this just isn't one of the better entries. I take a break from obsessively identifying cars to obsessively differentiating between crocodiles and alligators.

Sharktopus

email@tysto.com — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 01:12:30 +0000

Roger Corman and Eric Roberts team up with a crack team of effects artists to create an incredibly life-like simulation of Eric Roberts and a giant, bullet-proof shark-octopus hybrid which—somehow—gets out of control. It's an age-old story of love and loss, and I watch it for the first time and never, ever, not-even-once compare it to Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Watch it with me as I try to piece together the complex story and explore structure, theme, and buckets and buckets of Kensington gore. I sing a little "Sharktopus's Garden", compare it to La Dolce Vita and Jaws, and come up with some ideas (copyright!) for more sea monster movies.

Westworld

email@tysto.com — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 07:29:38 +0000

Yul Brynner is a pre-Terminator Terminator that absolutely will not stop until you are dead in Michael Crichton's 1973 pre-Jurassic Park Jurassic Park: Westworld. The Doctor from The Speakeasy is back again as my guest to dismantle the film as a cautionary tale and as an advertisement for guilt-free sex tourism. We ponder the incredible danger inherent in a theme park where people are supposed to get into bar fights and sword fights with robots. We guess at the social hierarchy of technicians. And we speculate as to what would happen if James Brolin was the one in jail and nerdy lawyer Richard Benjamin was trying to get him out.

Nosferatu (1979)

email@tysto.com — Sun, 24 Oct 2010 18:47:59 +0000

Happy Halloween! It's the beguiling Isabelle Adjani and the beguiling Klaus Kinski with Hitler himself in Werner Herzog's love letter to FW Murnau— Nosferatu the Vampyre. I compare it to the novel and to Murnau's silent version. And I compare it a bit to Fright Night, The Seventh Seal, and a few others. I mock Harker's high-waisted pants and the self-conscious directorial touches, but overall I love the movie and praise it as much as possible while exploring its foibles. I indulge in some komedy dialog sync and boldly suggest that the film depicts the strongest female protagonist in any vampire film but that it could do with some Hammer-style boobs. Enjoy! Start the movie with the countdown at the very beginning with the mummified babies. Yes: mummified babies.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

email@tysto.com — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 22:09:05 +0000

The Doctor is back again—in stereo! This time, he's hosting me for a look at Steven Spielberg's incredible 1977 masterpiece Close Encounters of the Third Kind. We don't have a cross word to say about the film except perhaps that the aliens seems to act more like raccoons than visitors from another planet. The Doctor and I converse on the UFO phenomenon of the 1970s, Indiana geography, alien biology, Richard Dreyfus's insanity, and Steven Spielberg's belief that aliens and angels are the same thing. We discuss the film as a character piece, as a horror movie with no horror, and as a treatise on communication in general. We discuss the possibility that the aliens are a rock band. And we imagine Lance "Itchy Trigger Finger" Henriksen having a flash-forward to his other films and shooting up the aliens. I forget to make a joke about the Harper Valley PTA (that's where Dreyfus is driving when he has his initial encounter). And we forget to mention that this is the first of our five collaborations where none of the main characters is liquored up a good part of the time.

Diamonds Are Forever

email@tysto.com — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 06:37:28 +0000

Bond is back, and Connery is playing him—for one last, tired, somewhat out-of-shape, slightly graying time. The cars are American, the dames are American, the villains are campy, and the action is weak, but it's not so bad. It's got sausage king Jimmy Dean! I follow the threads of a plot where Bond actually does some investigating, albeit one in which he himself overcomplicates things for no reason. I examine Bond's need to put the whole murdered-wife-being-the-result-of-his-own-incompetence thing behind him. And I also examine why M feels the need to be such a jerk to the guy who repeatedly saved Europe from the most wanted man since Hitler. I suggest that what is difficult is not necessarily spectacular and that an elephant that hits a jackpot ought to be able to buy its freedom. I examine the wisdom of creating doubles of yourself when you're holed up in a penthouse you never leave. Also I further explore my theory of Blofeld's secret pathological need to be a philanthropist. I can't remember Denise Richards' name. I forget to mention that Charles Gray (Blofeld here) was Bond's wooden-legged-and-doomed contact in You Only Live Twice. I do successfully identify Bond semi-regular Shane Rimmer. Oh, and I sing part of the theme song. So, you know, don't miss that.

The Fifth Element

email@tysto.com — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 05:16:53 +0000

Bonjour! Join me as I tackle my first foreign film, the très Français sci fi blockbuster The Fifth Element. It's the heart-warming story of Bruce Willis as a down-on-his-luck cab driver who meets girl of his dreams Milla Jovovich and takes her on a vacation that includes a cruise ship and Egypt (and 'splosions!). She's beautiful, she's young (waaaay younger than him, actually), she's a natural redhead (well, clown orange, actually), she's a perfect being genetically engineered to fight evil, and she dresses like a Cirque du Soleil performer. What more could you ask for? Multipass! I give some background on the movie and why it's so very, very French. I compare it to Heavy Metal, Fright Night, Léon, Blade Runner, other Bruce Willis movies, and other Milla Jovovich movies. I heap praise on Milla and Bruce, as well as on Brion James and Ian Holm. I suggest that David's collection of makeup and women's-wear might indicate that he has hobbies outside the priesthood. I wonder if Zorg is possessed by alien chocolate syrup. And I try to remember all the other times in movies that Milla Jovovich has woken up naked in a laboratory.

Star Wars 4 (theatrical)

email@tysto.com — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 03:01:52 +0000

Yes, incredibly, I've broken my solemn oath not to do a Star Wars commentary a third time, this time by commentating on the original version of Star Wars from the bonus disk of the slim case boxed set. This is the one you may remember from VHS or laser disk or etched into stone tablets on Mount Olympus. It is the Star Wars. I spend all my time disassembling the story and examining it piece by piece except when I'm making fun of C-3P0 or dismissing Chewbacca. I compare it to The Hidden Fortress, the hero's journey monomyth, King Arthur, Gilgamesh, Greek myths, westerns, and Flash Gordon serials. I attempt to "fix" it—and by doing a lot more than making Greedo shoot first.

Star Wars 4: A New Hope (special ed.)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 00:48:47 +0000

I am joined by my padawan nephew "Noron" for a rip-roaring adventure in space with droids and stormtroopers and everything in a commentary for the first (chronologically) of the Star Wars films. Together we contemplate the value of an escape pod that dumps you in the middle of a giant desert, the wisdom of Jawas not to wipe the memories of the droids they find, and the likelihood of a giant aquatic snake getting onto a space station. We try to figure out Darth Vader's rank in relation to the various Moffs and Grand Moffs in this and the next movie, and how Peter Cushing could have been the good guy in old vampire movies when he looks like a vampire in this movie. We mull over the value of droids that can barely walk or roll, have no arms, and can't speak; narrow walkways without railings; and a headset on a wookie that just goes "Aaawr!" One of us laments the loss of Porkins and Biggs, and one of us roots for the death of Biggs. Why? You won't believe the reason.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

email@tysto.com — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 00:11:29 +0000

Bond is back again and Lazenby plays him. Join me as I investigate the one and only appearance of George Lazenby in the role and try to figure out what the hell is going on. I mock the nonsensical missions-that-aren't-missions, gadgets-that-aren't-gadgets, and Blofeld's plan-that-isn't-a-plan that amounts to hypno-zombie debutantes with poison spray bottles. I analyze Blofeld's weird philanthropic tendencies, Tracy's unexplained suicidal tendencies, and her father's henchmen's random homicidal tendencies. And I analyze Bond's cozy relationship with the self-confessed second-biggest crime lord in Europe. I obsessively identify the various cars. I try to imagine a less likely man to pretend to be a homosexual in a skirt and frilly blouse. I try to identify the moment Bond genuinely falls in love. And I try to identify the moment Bond realizes that his sex addiction has allowed a known international terror-extortionist to successfully launch his plan.

You Only Live Twice

email@tysto.com — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 18:34:12 +0000

Bond is back again and Connery plays him, this time as a humble Japanese fisherman with a "yen" for smoked salmon. (Get it!?) Ah, but the mysterious Osato Corporation has it out for him and will surely do him in if they ever get their miserable act together and if they aren't foiled by a girl. I examine the overall plan of Spectre, the specifics of that plan, the lack of a plan by Bond, and the awesomeness of ninjas and secret volcano lairs. I mock the color-coded uniforms of Blofeld's men, the awkwardness of the gadgets in Aki's sweet Toyota 2000 sports car, the incredible convenience of certain plot twists, and the absurd unlikelihood of building a rocket base in a hollowed-out volcano with no one noticing. The film mocks me by serving up ninjas attacking a rocket base in a hollowed out volcano with no #@*&$ CGI. I mistakenly say that in the novel "Suki" tries to keep Bond and gets pregnant by him, but her name is "Kissy". "Suki" is the original name for film's character "Aki", who doesn't appear in the novel. Also, in keeping with the film's rating, I bleep myself a couple of times.

Star Trek

email@tysto.com — Fri, 14 May 2010 21:31:08 +0000

JJ Abrams' reboot of the storied Star Trek franchise meets its match in the form of myself and the Doctor from Speakeasy Podcast, in which we deftly pick apart the minor plot inconsistencies, such as every single thing that happens. However, we do love the film (even if it does feel like $150 million dollar fan fiction aimed at lens flare aficionados) so we fawn over the actors and effects and compare it to the original series and movies. But we also expose the ugly specter of racism and alcoholism in Starfleet (speaking of which: take a drink every time someone abandons his post as captain!). Errata: Thruout the film, I stupidly call the Narada the Naruto. Also, grog rations were ended by the British navy in 1970. And the one where Kirk angers Spock with insults is "This Side of Paradise" and not "Shore Leave". (Those are all mine. The Doctor's "facts" are all "true".)

Son of Frankenstein

email@tysto.com — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 02:51:47 +0000

It's still alive! Sherlock Holmes and Dracula meet Bambi and Frankenstein's Monster in the 1939 extension of the Frankenstein mythos. I mock the hilariously bizarre architecture, the ridiculous dart game, the absurd hair (and somewhat suspicious parentage) of little Peter, and the Frankenstein Village board of commerce. I explore the father-son theme and compare it to the previous films and boldly suggest that 47+ years is a long damn time for a monster to be roaming the countryside murdering people without being discovered or getting some kind of name, especially from his decades-long live-in companion. I also suggest that if your town became famous for having a monster roaming around it, you could make a good buck off that if you market it the right way. And I gratuitously, but only momentarily, compare the Frankensteins to the royal family of England.

The Thing (1982)

email@tysto.com — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 23:46:34 +0000

Kurt Russell and a bunch of "scientists" take on Rob Bottin and Stan Winston in a remake/readaptation of the 1950s monster flick, The Thing From Outer Space. The Doctor, of Speakeasy Commentaries, joins me for a third time—this time in glorious stereophonic sound. We both love the film and heap praise all over it (even on the dog) and yet fail to credit the original author, John W Campbell, Jr. ("Who Goes There") or even the screen adapter, Bill Lancaster. We address such delicate questions as "who gets assimilated when?" "why keep rotting corpses indoors?" and "what's with Doc Copper's nose ring?" as well as marvel at the number of Vietnam-haunted alcoholic pot-smokers that were sent to live in the Antarctic for months at a time with firearms, dynamite, and flame-throwers.

Star Wars 1: Phantom Menace (crazy Mr Plinkett edition!)

email@tysto.com — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 00:46:37 +0000

Liam Nissan and Ewan McDonald's use their laser swords to fight crime in the distant future! Natalie Portman and Keira Knightly are twins! Darth Vader wants to know: "Are you an angel?" A slave boy builds a diplomatic interpreter robot to help his mom do the dishes! The Jedi Council stops at nothing sends one Jedi and his apprentice to uncover the rising Sith menace. An aquatic rabbit bumbles thru the entire movie and wins a robot battle! And WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAAAACE?! I edit Mr Plinkett of Red Letter Media into a commentary and interject my own observations and opinions (thereby breaking my pledge never to do a Star Wars commentary) whenever he runs out of things to rant about. Check out the original brilliantly funny and insightful video review of the film and several other terrific videos.

48 Hrs

email@tysto.com — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 06:24:11 +0000

Nick Nolte is a dirty, drunken jerk of a cop who needs Eddie Murphy's help to find a couple of crazy killers loose in San Francisco. I discuss the role of film as a bridge between 1970s cop movies and 1980s cop movies, place it in context with similar films, and examine the unusual structure. I explore how it fits into director Walter Hill's career as well as Nolte's and Murphy's. I pick apart the police procedural aspects, the weak romantic subplots, and the racial themes.

Jumanji

email@tysto.com — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 00:22:16 +0000

Robin Williams falls into and out of the jungle world of Jumanji, fights a merciless killer, and realizes what it means to become a man (at least the standing-up-to-your-fears part; not so much the winkie-and-hoo-ha part). Join me as I deconstruct the movie's theme of game-as-rite-of-passage and the Alan vs Van Pelt conflict; plan to make contingency plans for bad special effects if I write a screenplay; and laugh at the slow rhino. I also analyze the minor character roles, pick apart the rule that someone has to roll a 5 or 8 when there's only one player left to roll the dice, and try to think of a reason to bury a really cool box full of something really cool so children can eventually find it.

Iron Man

email@tysto.com — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 02:34:08 +0000

Robert Downey, Jr. is Tony Stark! Tony Stark is Iron Man! Join me as I join The Doctor from Speakeasy Commentaries for the second time for a transoceanic fan commentary from two ridiculous movie/comic book geeks. The Doctor proves to be more of a comic book geek, as he explains the back story and history of Iron Man in the comic books (the storyline "Demon in a Bottle" is the one where Tony confronts his alcoholism). I prove to be more of the movie and music geek, as I explain the plot of A Christmas Story (Ralphie appears as a scientist) and the connection to Ozzy Osbourne (Ozzy sang for Black Sabbath and did the song "Iron Man"). We discuss Robert Downey, Jr. and Jon Favreau's other work and arrest records. We get off track in a discussion of national health care. The Doctor claims they've never shown Gilligan's Island in England. And I claim to be excited by the prospect of a Scarlet Witch movie. However, we are both very excited by the prospect of Iron Man 2 as well as an Avengers movie, especially with Samuel L Jackson.

Back to the Future

email@tysto.com — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 01:30:50 +0000

Michael J Fox leaps into the past in a nuclear-powered Delorean in Steven Spielberg's Robert Zemeckis's 1985 time travel movie to end all time travel movies (except for the two sequels and the cartoon series). I discuss the nature of time travel, point out the links to other films (like 1960's The Time Machine), and blather on at some length about the cars and the history of rock and roll from 1951 to 1955.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

email@tysto.com — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 12:55:51 +0000

Indy is back... uhh... pre-back... back earlier... whatever—in a prequel adventure set one year earlier in Asia, land of mystery and peril! (Before it became the land of cheap toys and tech support.) I compare it to the first and third movies and try to ignore the fourth. I discuss my surprising affection for both Short Round and Willie. I marvel at Lucas and Spielberg's ability to get child torture into a teen adventure film. (The secret: have a child do the torturing!) I deconstruct the episodic nature of the film and reveal the dullness of the middle part where they're just trudging thru jungle, playing cards, and getting slightly scared by animals. I discuss the problem of stacking all the action at the end, which of course is related. And I point out which characters are actually of no real value.

Thunderball

email@tysto.com — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 04:18:46 +0000

James Bond has returned in his fourth adventure, this time facing his deadliest foe yet: Spectre, headed by Blofeld, who wants to hold the world ransom for (pinky to lip) one hundred million dollars! I take the story apart, questioning why no one else notices the clues in the photos all the double-0 agents get, how weird and kind of pointless it is that Bond had a fight with the guy Blofeld hired to deliver his audio taped demands, and how weird and kind of pointless it is that Largo hooked up with the sister of the guy he recruited to steal the nuclear bombs. I marvel as Bond dances on a leg with a bleeding gunshot wound. I blither as nameless, faceless men stab each other under water. And I compare the film to the book and somewhat to the later non-Eon remake Never Say Never Again.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

email@tysto.com — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 22:57:15 +0000

Avast and ahoy, matey! There be monsters here! Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas arise out of the '80s to attack a defenseless mega shark and an innocent giant octopus with submarines. Join me as I watch this SyFy channel video nasty for the very first time and marvel at the fake buttons, Ed Wood sets, and hot scientist-on-scientist action. I sing a little Debbie Gibson and call Lorenzo Lamas "Fernando Lamas" a couple of times (they're father and son). Also, I misquote Jaws* and Jerry Maguire** somewhat.

Die Hard

email@tysto.com — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 22:57:15 +0000

Join me as I take on the greatest '80s action movie of all. Bruce Willis gets the crap beaten out of him as New York cop John McClane. Alan Rickman is terrorist* criminal genius Hans Gruber. Bonnie Bedelia is a big-haired, shoulder-padded chess piece. That one bad guy from The Goonies is one of the incompetent FBI guys that we need more of. That vice-principal guy from The Breakfast Club is one of many, many incompetent cops. Reginald Van Gleason Reginald VelJohnson is the guy who eats the Twinkies and is also an incompetent cop. I discuss the film as a chess match and compare it to the other Die Hard films and other action films of the era and the eras before and after. I examine why parts of the film are terrible despite the whole being a work of unparalleled genius. And I mock the Eurotrash bad guys from time to time and attempt to straighten out the "Shoot the glass" thing.

I, Robot – 50th commentary extravaganza

email@tysto.com — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 08:06:25 +0000

Will Smith and a colorless, odorless, brunette battle the evil that is slightly buggy computer programming in this thrilling adaptation of none of Isaac Asimov's thought-provoking works. For this, the big 50th Tysto audio commentary, I am joined by Scott of Speakeasy Commentaries, a big fan of Asimov's work and an expert on science fiction in general. We stumble thru the introductions and then get right to the heart of mocking the product placement and the idea that this robot-filled, self-driving-car, Lake-Michigan-landfill world is only 31 years in the future of 2004. We explore sci-fi in general and Asimov in specific, as well as how terrible a driver Detective Spooner is and whether or not Doctor Lanning's cat is a robot, as well as making some Fresh Prince of Bel-Air jokes.

*Tysto film commentaries

email@tysto.com — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:15:17 +0000

I love movies and I especially love commentaries. So I got myself a microphone and produced some of my own.

The 39 Steps

email@tysto.com — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:52:37 +0000

Alfred Hitchcock presents his first big hit with all the trimmings: the innocent man taking it on the lam, the tough and beautiful blond sparring with him, the quirky humor, and the weird conclusion. Listen as I compare the film to Young and Innocent and North by Northwest, talk about Hitchcock's early work and developing style, joke about the Scottish stereotypes, and stumble over British currency. Plus, you learn what a "crofter" is. Please note, however, that you will not learn what causes pip in poultry or how old Mae West is. Who am I? Mr. Memory?

King Kong (1933)

email@tysto.com — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:13:01 +0000

The greatest of great apes is trapped by tiny men and dragged to New York, where he runs amok, all for the affections of a dame. I give a little of the history of the production, point out some of the successes and failings, analyze the structure, and mock the stuntman who gets squashed by a giant ape foot. I frequently compare the film to the 1976 version and occasionally to the 2005 version. This is kind of a quickie commentary, done without as much post-production as I've been doing lately (no EchoSync). I am joined for the first 15 minutes by my little niece, who doesn't have nearly as much to say here as she did about Paul McCartney in Help.

The Princess Bride (nonsense)

email@tysto.com — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 03:18:26 +0000

William Goldman edits Simon Morgenstern's rollicking adventure of pirates and princesses, swordplay and swamps down to "the good parts," and I put all the missing pieces back in, carefully reconstructing the original narrative, in all its gruesome, graphic, weird, and perverse detail. Altho there's no vulgar language, this commentary is rated M for mature. Among other things from the original Morgenstern version of the story, I explain: * How Buttercup comes from a family of hookers * What happened to Westley—and the letters he wrote to Buttercup—while he was on the Revenge * Where Inigo's father hid the sword so Inigo could still have it * The many layers of family man, scientist, and charity patron Vizzini * What Westley's body originally said he had reason to live for * Who lost what limbs in the course of the story * How Inigo could take several wounds and yet get stronger * The truth about Inigo's father's fate

The Hidden Fortress

email@tysto.com — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:46:38 +0000

Akira Kurosawa produces a taut samurai adventure of fear, greed, intimidation, theft, bumbling, self-sacrifice, cowardice, courage, betrayal, pantomime, song and dance, attempted rape, and other hilarity in this 1958 mini-epic that famously inspired the Star Wars saga. I detail the connections between the characters and events in this with those in the Star Wars movies, ridicule the central characters, and boldly suggest that this movie needs a villain like Darth Vader, all while avoiding pronouncing almost all the Japanese names or making ethnically insensitive jokes. And I never mention Jar-Jar Binks (ptooh!) once.

Werewolf of London

email@tysto.com — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 18:21:05 +0000

Mrs. Frankenstein appears in another of the eight (8!) films she made in 1935 along with her ancient husband and aged childhood playmate in the very first feature-length werewolf movie! Mad botanist (you read that right) Dr. Glendon picks up a social disease in a foreign country and hides it from his wife while he tries to find a cure. Join me as I give the film a gentle ribbing even while admiring its entertaining aspects. I explain the history of werewolf lore and cinema, and I compare it to vampire and Frankenstein stories, not to mention the Hulk. And I disassemble it as a metaphor for serial killers versus a metaphor for puberty. Oh, and I ramble on after the end of the movie for about 10 minutes.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie

email@tysto.com — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:11:31 +0000

Mike, Crow, and Tom Servo are forced by evil mad scientist Doctor Forrester to sit and watch the 1955 stink bomb This Island Earth. They make the best of it, assaulting the film with every fiber of their beings in this, their grab at the big-screen brass ring. I make the most of it as well, delivering calm, cool analysis all along the way, such as comparing this film to Citizen Kane and explaining why I'm not commentating on Mystery Science Theater 2000 or Mystery Science Theater 1000. Join me.

A Fistful of Dollars

email@tysto.com — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 22:36:07 +0000

Sergio Leone re-envisions Kurasowa's Yojimbo... and gets the pantoloni sued off him. But nevertheless, he gives the world Clint Eastwood as The Man With No Name (as long as you don't count "Joe", "Manco", or "Blondie" as names). Join me as I directly compare the two films from scene to scene all the way along. But you only need A Fistful of Dollars to enjoy it. Unlike most of my commentaries, I don't really talk about the actors (other than Eastwood). Instead, I compare the two film-makers' vision and message and address the noir source material. I compare the character of "Joe" with Yojimbo's "Sanjuro." I compare the pacing and the scope of the cinematography. And I compare the plots and plot devices scene-by-scene. I even compare the characters, altho I always focus on Fistful, and I avoid the Japanese names as much as possible.

Horror of Dracula

email@tysto.com — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 02:12:44 +0000

Saruman dons the cape and fangs for his first turn as the granddaddy of all vampires, Count Dracula, in Hammer's second big horror venture. Grand Moff Tarkin dons pimp gear to take him on as Doctor Van Helsing. Alfred the butler comes along for the ride as Arthur Holmwood. Somehow I remember to mention that Michael Gough played Alfred the butler in the Batman movies but forget to mention that Christopher Lee was in The Lord of the Rings and Peter Cushing was in Star Wars. Pretty girls Middle-aged women fall victim to the charms of the vampire in the dark curiously well-lit night in diaphanous Baptist-approved nightgowns. I try to keep the characters straight and explain how their names were changed from novel to movie. And I discuss anachronisms like blood transfusion and teddy bears. That's right! You never thought you'd get a lesson in the history of teddy bears in a vampire movie, did you?!

Curse of Frankenstein

email@tysto.com — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 02:32:47 +0000

The puppy is alive! Alive! Peter Cushing takes up the role of the madman Victor Frankenstein, desperately trying to pursue his life's work of discovering the secret of life while constantly being nagged by his mentor, his fiancee, and his housemaid. Christopher Lee takes up the role of the mute, murderous monster with the greatest brain in Europe. I compare this first big Hammer horror classic extensively with Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein and with the original novel. I speculate on the doctor's youth, or lack thereof, and his disinclination to redecorate for 15 years. And I wax poetic about beaver hats, cravats, and nightgowns with built-in underwire bras.

The Bride of Frankenstein

email@tysto.com — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 02:50:38 +0000

She's alive! Alive! The inferior-yet-still-classic sequel to Frankenstein is given the full Tysto treatment. I compare this film to the 1931 original and to Young Frankenstein. I complain bitterly about Una "Jar-Jar Binks" O'Connor. I welcome Valerie Hobston's cleavage as the replacement Elizabeth and welcome back Dwight Frye as the assistant-who-is-definitely-not-the-dead-hunchback-Fritz. I complain a bit about the presence of Doctor Pretorius and compare him to Doctor Waldman of the first film. And I finally get around to mentioning Jack Pierce, the legendary make-up effects artist.

Frankenstein (1931)

email@tysto.com — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 04:33:03 +0000

It's alive! It's alive! It's the horror super-classic that introduced the world to Frankenstein's monster as we know it today. I compare it (sort of) to the novel and (sort of) to Young Frankenstein, as well as to Dracula, which I've also done a commentary for. I give a lot of background and talk about the economy of story-telling that lasts until the film slows to a crawl with talky drawing room scenes. I sympathize with Fritz and then blame him for the whole tragedy. I sympathize with the monster and explain that I want my misunderstood monsters to act with criminal negligence. I point out plot holes, such as how a brain in a jar could be better than the brain of a fresh corpse with a broken neck and how Maria's father knew she was murdered. I mistakenly say that Mary Shelley doesn't mention grave-robbing, but she does, briefly. I pan James Whale and praise Karloff as one of the greatest of all cinema heavies and one of the nicest men you'd ever hope to meet.

Help!

email@tysto.com — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 04:42:24 +0000

My 5-year-old niece and I lend a helping hand to the Beatles in their second film, the full-color presentation of Help! Ringo becomes the target of an Indian (dots, not feathers) cult of Kali (or Kah-ili, as they say), probably still smarting from the drubbing they took from Indiana Jones thirty years before. I identify some of the cars (and tanks), and explain some of the background surrounding filming, such as how the Beatles were so stoned they didn't know what the movie was about, how much a curling stone weighs, and how dumb it is to shoot outdoors in England in March. Keely explains some of the plot, sings along a little, and identifies which Beatles are cute. A good time was had by all.

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

email@tysto.com — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 04:51:14 +0000

The Coen Brothers succeed in creating an almost magical pastiche of 1930s crime and ancient Greek epic and even make it funny, with George Clooney as the fast-talking leader of a gang of escaped convicts crossing Depression-era Mississippi to get home and ending up in a number of tight spots. I manage to avoid singing along by jabbering incessantly. I compare the story to the Homeric epic on which it is (very loosely) based as well as to Preston Sturgess's Sullivan's Travels, where it gets its name. And I explain various 1930s customs, manners, cars, and secret organizations whose name I need not mention.

Dracula

email@tysto.com — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 03:18:01 +0000

Just in time for Halloween! A campy lawyer becomes a bug-eating lunatic in thrall to the king of all vampires: Count Dracula, as personified by Bela Lugosi. I compare the film to the Bram Stoker novel, to the stage play, and to other Dracula movies. I point out how the film set the standard for vampires from the incredible opening featuring the brides of Dracula (and the possums of Dracula) to the thrilling discussion-on-a-divan scenes to the pulse-racing discussion-on-a-staircase scenes to the chilling look-over-there-while-I-stab-Dracula ending. I mix up Joan Standing (the English nurse) and Moon Carroll (the American maid). Maybe there are no fangs and no blood (or score); maybe the actors all stand motionless to deliver their lines, maybe everything interesting happens off-screen, but this is the granddaddy of 'em all and well worth a look.

The Goonies

email@tysto.com — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 17:26:47 +0000

Sean Astin leads his hearty band of adventurers—plus his older brother.. and a couple of girls—thru the caverns underneath the rocky coast near his home town in a search for the legendary lost treasure of One-Eyed Willy! I examine the three-part story structure, the emotional arc of each character, and Willy's weird music/skeleton obsession. I admire Mikey's leadership, Troy's Mustang GT, and Andy's panties. I contemplate the nature of the "Goondocks." I point out the age of the various kids (surprise! Josh is younger than Kerry!). I examine the structure of the two-parent Walsh family and single-parent TV families. I wonder about the distance from the lighthouse to the country club. And I wonder about how Data apparently walked in from a Warner Brothers cartoon and how a Chinese character with a Japanese love for technology could be played by a Vietnamese actor.

Alien

email@tysto.com — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 15:25:39 +0000

Ridley Scott starts the Alien franchise rolling with Alien, the story of a humble xenomorph born into a hostile world full of potential hosts that he must struggle to maim and prepare for embryo impregnation. But there is a spunky gal in a space panties that has it out for him! Join me as I dissect this alien. I discuss the structure and pulp origins of the film, the similarities between Ridley Scott and Stanley Kubrick, and the mysterious connections between Gunsmoke and American science fiction. I compare the film to WW2 submarine movies, Star Wars, Mission Impossible (for which I drop a spoiler), and teenage slasher films. I suggest that Veronica Cartwright's career might have been derailed by snot. I complain about Star Trek: First Contact. I say that Dallas portrays alien characteristics when I mean hero characteristics. I say that we're "still in the third act" when I mean the second act.

Goldfinger

email@tysto.com — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 17:51:44 +0000

Bond is back again in probably the most popular—and certainly most influential—James Bond film. He's asked to check out Auric Goldfinger in this one, and uncovers a dastardly plot to steal—wait for it—gold! I discuss the gold-painted girl, the Aston Martin DB5, the idea of substituting golf for baccarat, the plausibility of putting a Lincoln Continental in a Ranchero, the plausibility of machismo overcoming lesbianism, the US Army's sense of humor, and, of course, Pussy Galore.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

email@tysto.com — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 16:06:25 +0000

Harrison Ford breathes life into another icon when he picks up the whip and fedora offered by George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and Lawrence Kasdan. I talk about the film's origins and episodic nature, call it "nearly perfect," and point out its various imperfections. I ponder the nature of the triple villain and the character arc that Indy travels. I compare it to romantic comedies and serials of the 1930s and '40s, and to the other Indiana Jones films. I say 1935 a couple of times when I mean 1936. I say Martin Scorsese directed Tucker when I mean Francis Ford Coppola. And I squeeze in a reference to Yakima Canutt.

Seinfeld 08×08 “The Chicken Roaster”

email@tysto.com — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 01:46:11 +0000

A Kenny Rogers' Roasters restaurant moves in across the street and beams red light into Kramer's apartment day and night, so he gets Jerry to switch apartments. Elaine buys George a sable hat on the Peterman account along with a load of other things for herself, then gets audited by their accountant. I take apart this classic eighth season episode scene by scene, praising all its loopy goodness and gently pointing out its mild gaps.

Hot Fuzz

email@tysto.com — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 16:02:52 +0000

Simon Pegg knocks one out of the... cricket pitch(?) as super cop Nicolas Angle Angel, who gets reassigned to sleepy little Sanford and discovers that there is an evil there that does not sleep. Nick Frost pulls duty as his comic sidekick and film professor. And a host of fantastic British actors support Pegg and director Edgar Wright's brilliant and hilarious screenplay. I focus on the failures in it, of course. But I do heap praise where praise heaps are due. I focus mostly on the themes and intricacies of the plot. I compare it to other films in various genres, including Cars, Doc Hollywood, Sharky's Machine, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Shaun of the Dead, Point Break, Bad Boys II, romantic comedies, and spaghetti westerns. But I'm nothing compared to Wright and Tarantino. Check out my voluminous list of films that Edgar Wright and Quentin Tarantino talk about in their own weird meta-commentary.

Cars

email@tysto.com — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 16:14:17 +0000

Owen Wilson is the voice of Lightning McQueen, the superfast city boy race car who is on his way to California to win the Piston Cup, if only he can ever get out of little old Radiator Springs. Paul Newman is wise old Doc Hudson and Larry the Cable Guy is dumb old Larry the Cable Truck, or should have been. Bonnie Hunt is way sexier than an automobile has a right to be, which causes me to ponder car anatomy. I complain about the title of the film. I explain the concept of setup and payoff. And I explore the difference between American-style animation and Japanese-style animation. But I focus primarily on the two main stories that conflict and the two sub-plots that complicate things further and how the film manages to keep them all from tearing the film apart.

Vanishing Point

email@tysto.com — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 16:19:43 +0000

Barry Newman is the mysterious man in the white Dodge Challenger, running away from the cops and his own screwed up life. I discuss the movie as a meditation on motivation, an allegory for the lost soul, and as a Caterpiller promotional film. I compare it (somewhat) with the 1997 version and with Smokey and the Bandit and American Westerns, but mostly with ancient mythology. I boldly suggest that beautiful women can represent both innocence and death, depending on whether they are nude or wearing a cloak and that "J. Hovah" is a little too on-the-nose for a character name. And I use my new CO3U microphone with very good results.

From Russia With Love

email@tysto.com — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 16:46:17 +0000

Bond is back in one of the best but not best-remembered Bond flicks. Here, he is the subject of a direct attempt to kill him by involving him in a trap that SPECTRE knows he'll fall for precisely because he knows it's a trap. The lovely but naive Tatiana Romanova is their patsy and Red Grant their oiled-up angel of death. Along the way, a Gypsy catfight goes on too long, Bond keeps forgetting why he's in Istanbul and why he stole the Lector device. Tatiana redeems herself in the third ending, and I wonder how Bond is going to explain her to his girlfriend. I don't have the book to do extensive comparisons, but I do identify most of the cars, not that Bond drives them; he only drives a Chevy pickup.

Dr. No

email@tysto.com — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 02:54:25 +0000

The James Bond series leaps into action with guns blazing as Sean Connery spends several hours talking to British colonial officials and wandering around Jamaica looking for a clue. Then he turns up the heat and starts blasting by sneaking around an island for a while, hoping not to get captured, before getting captured. Okay, it's a little slow for what we've come to expect, but in 1962, this rocked. And even today, Miss Taro and Honey Ryder can still make your palms sweat. I compare the film to the book thruout and look for motifs, iconic elements, and firsts. I compare it to the Flint and Austin Powers movies that it inspired and to other Bond flicks. Note: Some comments are shaken while others are stirred. Somehow I make the bizarre mistake of saying that Sean Connery appeared in Zulu Dawn.

Ghostbusters

email@tysto.com — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 17:08:28 +0000

An imperfect commentary for a nearly perfect film. Bill Murray is chief idiot to Dan Ackroyd and Harold Ramis in a modern Marx Brothers-style epic comedy thriller. Sigourney Weaver, Annie Potts, and Ernie Hudson support, not to mention Rick Moranis, William Atherton, and Yugoslavian supermodel Slavitza. Director Ivan Reitman delivers the goods in thrills and chills while the top-talent cast supplies the laughs. I describe the statue-spirit motif, the dual-story structure of the plot, the cartoonish nature of the Ghostbusters which makes them inherently merchandisable, and the evils of synthesizer music. I mistakenly say that Gozer has a "Grace Slick haircut" when I mean a "Grace Jones haircut."

Murder at 1600

email@tysto.com — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 17:18:42 +0000

Third in my White-House-related commentaries, overly-dramatic lighting, multiple freak rainstorms, and a complete failure to get Diane Lane's shirt soaking wet detract from a fairly taut, multi-layered thriller. Wesley Snipes is a swaggering DC homicide cop who somehow beats the snot out of several highly-trained Secret Service agents and government assassins. Diane Lane kicks him as his sidekick until she get a chance to save his ass. Alan Alda and that creepy guy from The Agency play "good cop, creepy cop." Dennis Miller miraculously avoids smirking too much. I say "that doesn't make sense" too much and explain a lot about the White House. I explore the logic of assigning an ordinary DC detective to a White House murder case when they already have their own police force. I ponder the idea that the president might be sneaked into the White House by someone other than the Secret Service agent assigned to guard his bedroom. And I consider the plausibility that there might be hidden tunnels underneath the White House (there are!) that Wesley Snipes could sneak into (no way!).

The American President

email@tysto.com — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 00:09:58 +0000

A romantic comedy (at least I think it's a comedy) set in the White House, with Michael Douglas as a widowed president and Annette Bening as a flustered and flattered—yet somehow hard-as-nails—lobbyist trying to conduct a romance while politics intervenes. I consider the public's negative response to the romance to be a little silly. I ponder how the staff's panic is a little overdone. But I praise the dialog as sharp and the direction as tight, which helps the film over its bumps, which makes sense because this was basically the prototype for the TV show The West Wing. The White House art direction looks beautiful, which I explain at great length, as I did for The Sentinel. However, I misstate the case about the state dinner depicted; it was based on the Yeltsin dinner during the Clinton administration.

The Wizard of Oz

email@tysto.com — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 18:06:13 +0000

Little Judy Garland wins friends and kills witches dead in her vain attempts to just find a way back to Kansas. I compare the movie extensively to the original novel. I explain the concept of a frame story and the minor inconsistencies in the plot, like the troublesome character of Professor Marvel. I use the word brilliant too much. I ponder the possibility that the Wicked Witch is ethnically a Winkie and wonder why the Good Witch isn't ethnically a Munchkin. I bust a few myths, like the one about the hanged stage hand and the one about the "Oh-ee-oh" song. I suggest that Playboy, if it had been around in 1939, might have done a pictorial of the "Girls of the Emerald City Wash & Brush Up Co." I compare the Wicked Witch to Jaws. I suggest that the movie should have been remade in 1985 with Arnold Schwarzenegger. And I beg children not the follow the film's advice of not looking for a better life beyond your own back yard.

The Sentinel

email@tysto.com — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 18:56:12 +0000

Secret Service agent Michael Douglas squares off against Kiefer Sutherland while Eva Longoria looks on. I compare the film to In the Line of Fire, the main point being that, here, the hero is "secretly serving" the first lady and not his partner. I explain my Kiefer Sutherland Rule of Cinema. I wonder how a guy like Walter Xavier even keeps up on the sports scores, let alone gets information about an assassination plot. I also explain every detail of the White House interiors, given my intimate familiarity, including where the director and producer are wrong in their commentary and how the Secret Service offices seem to be as big as the entire rest of the West Wing. I offer choice tidbits of presidential history and the origin of Camp David. And I contemplate the possibility that the Canadian mounties fingerprinted Paul Bunyan in 1875.

The 6th Day

email@tysto.com — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 19:20:07 +0000

It's Arnold and Arnold in an action adventure that probes the delicate social issues of the day and shoots them with lasers! I compare the film to Total Recall, Minority Report, James Bond, Frankenstein, and others. I mix up my Michaels. I get totally creeped out by the Simpal Cindy doll. I point out how Schwarzenegger's character is simultaneously a technophobe and a technophile, depending on which tech you present him with. I ponder the fever for the flavor of a nacho banana. I raise the delicate question of why Judi Dench is never cast in this kind of film. I point out plot holes such as "why does any of this happen?" I boldly postulate that the bad guys are not nearly as bad as some of the good guys. I also boldly postulate that Michael Rappaport is not a cat person, but I may still have him mixed up with Michael Rooker or possibly Michael Ironside. I make the mistake of saying that Adam 1 got a RePet instead of a Simpal Cindy, when both Adam 1 and Adam 2 got Simpals. Plus: free advice to young filmmakers and mad industrialists!

Total Recall

email@tysto.com — Wed, 10 Jan 2007 18:23:32 +0000

Join me for what is not my favorite movie but nevertheless a classic part of the Schwarzenegger oeuvre. I compare it to The 6th Day and other films and explain where it goes off the rails regardless of which story you believe: the dream story, the reality story, or the alternate reality story, or even the alternate-alternate reality story. I pity the poor rats. I try to find the point the movie may stray from reality. I say "If this is reality..." too many times and get distracted by Sharon Stone. And I get carried away with saying that Paul Verhoeven got carried away with the head games. I don't bother much with the "science", but I do make fun of Cohaagen's henchmen being the worst secret agents ever. And, at some point, I believe I may have suffered a schizoid embolism.

Foul Play

email@tysto.com — Sun, 07 Jan 2007 18:33:17 +0000

Join me for a great romantic comedy/thriller from 1978 starring Goldie Hawn and Chevy Chase. Hawn fends off the world with a yellow umbrella. Chase embraces the world clumsily. Dudley Moore tries to screw the world unsuccessfully. The pope thinks The Mikado is supposed to end with dead guys hanging from the mast of a ship from another production. Maybe he just thinks it's "far out." I compare the film to other romantic comedies and other thrillers as well as to Far Out Space Nuts. I don't talk quite as much in this one, but I think the observations are a little richer insights into theme, character, and plotting, and not narrating the scenes so much. I forget to mention that the title is a play on words, since the assassination attempt occurs during a stage performance—a comic opera, actually, but Foul Opera would sound silly. I did slip in a mention in editing that the setup is borrowed from The Man Who Knew Too Much.

La Dolce Vita

email@tysto.com — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 18:47:43 +0000

Ooh la la! An attempt at doing a commentary on a film I've never seen before. I watch this Fellini classic for the very first time, recording my amusement, confusion, frustration, and eventual disappointment. If you already know and love the film, laugh at my provincial attitude. If you hate it, laugh with me while I try desperately to enjoy it. I mention how the word paparazzi comes from the character of Paparazzo. I consider how much I like Marcello Mastroianni in principle. I mock how ridiculous "Casanova Xavier" is as a name for an American rock-and-roller. I misidentify Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" as "...G Minor" (but what are a few letters between friends?) I'm moved by the tragedy that develops, but ultimately feel that it is squandered, which may have been Fellini's point, for all I know.

Casablanca

email@tysto.com — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 18:58:00 +0000

My favorite film. I did a commentary for this a couple of years ago that was good but sounded lousy and was in three parts. With everybody downloading big podcasts over broadband, it might as well be in one file, so I've rerecorded it. I describe the historical context as well as the themes and how the plot points are foreshadowed and resolved. I explain the "General DeGaulle/Weygand" mix-up and how the characters relate to the larger picture of Europe in the midst of World War 2, particularly how characters are introduced early and kept alive in the background until they become important.

Serenity

email@tysto.com — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 17:47:41 +0000

It's the rip-roaring, high-stakes, high-drama tall tale of the Serenity's greatest adventure ever! The crew is dogged by an Alliance operative almost as crazy as Jubal Early. I apologize to the people of Great Britain on behalf of the entire American film industry. I should apologize to Chiwetel Ejiofor for butchering his name horribly. Mal and the Hole-in-the-Boat Gang take an Alliance payroll but are set upon by reavers. Simon busts Mal a good one and gets dumped on a planet where River is driven cuckoo by a Fruity Oaty Bar commercial. Wash suggests they talk to their old friend, Mr. Universe. Yes. Mr. Universe. You remember him. Inara wants Mal to come and not fight with her. Trap! I show off my English degree my identifying "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner." Book will take his secrets to the grave. Wash doesn't have any secrets, but if he did, so would he. River is carrying a politician's secret to a lot of other people's graves. The horror of the Pax is exposed. Kaylee and Simon sort out their romantic difficulties by killing reavers. River becomes a Super Bass-o-matic. Inara might hang around. All's well that ends we— Wait... what's with the graves?

Firefly series

email@tysto.com — Sat, 09 Dec 2006 17:33:39 +0000

I wrote an analysis of Firefly and Serenity, but I found that I wasn't done with thinking about it. So I started doing audio commentaries. I love audio commentaries found on DVDs and often listen to fan commentaries of movies I especially like. In fact, the presence of commentaries by the director, producer, stars, and effects guys regularly sway my DVD purchase. I hate bare-bones DVDs and often wait for special editions. Are you listening Hollywood?