Becky's T-Blog Uberfeed

Back out of retirement

2009-09-15T14:09:00.002+01:00

... for the first ever last time ever! I shall be de-mothballing Becky (where the fuck did I store my tits?) for the Angels 10th Birthday Bash.

Hope to see you at what could be the first last ever appearance of Becky! (Apart from my 50-date residence at the O2 next year.)

#trannymovies

2009-07-24T11:54:00.000+01:00

So here it is, based on a Twitter meme I started a few days ago, and ranked entirely based on my own opinion... the Top Ten Tranny Movies of all time!

10: Falsenail and I
9: Lost in Transformation
8: MAC and Me
7: The Ex-Men
6: Crippling Footwear, Hidden Tackle
5: Frocky
4: My Big Fat Hairy Wedding Dress
3: Dude, Where's my bra?
2: 101 Dilations
1: The Brian, the Itch, and the Wardrobe

Thanks to everyone who took part!

Know when you're beaten

2009-07-18T20:47:00.002+01:00

Charlie Brooker stopped writing TVGoHome when real life telly got more ridiculous than anything he could invent.

I think I need to stop trying to satirise Stupid Trannies, in particular the way they interact with the internet. Check out the last comment on this ancient post which was added earlier today.

Someone needs to buy Ms. Anonymous a spacebar.

I'd lend her mine, but it just broke from repeated bashes from my forehead.

Ubiquity

2009-07-16T20:49:00.000+01:00

Tranny of the Year Show 2009

2009-07-09T13:56:00.002+01:00

And now it's time to join the commentary at the Tranny of the Year Show 2009, live from Sackville Gardens, Manchester.

... fine pair. Oh and welcome to listeners from Becky's Web who've just joined us for what's turning out to be a great competition, isn't that right Terry?

That's right Joppers, and who's this coming out here?

This is "Trixie Froufroupuff" with her owner and wife, Mrs A Jenkins. Appearing for the fourth time at this show.

Trixie resplendant in a vibrantly pink outfit that I believe was modelled on one that Shirley Temple rejected as being "too girly" during the filming of the 1934 film "Baby Take a Bow".

Your knowledge of such things always amazes me Terry. They're setting a good pace around the arena. Petticoats bobbing nicely, head up, nostrils flaring. And, they're coming up to the first obstacle, the Invisibility Test. We may want to remind the listeners at home how this one works, Terry?

Well this is actually more of a test for the owner, Joppers. She must keep perfectly still and allow the tranny to take ALL of the attention from the crowd, effectively making the wife invisible and practically forgotten. I think Mrs Jenkins is doing quite well.

Mrs who?

Quite. Over now to the track where the mincing time trials are well underway. And here comes Genetta Thinklightly up to the final straight ... little bit of undermincing there on the corner, that will cost her valuable minutes ... passing through Gambon now ... still passing through Gambon ... still passing through Gambon ... aaaaaand across the line in two hours forty eight minutes, a new slowness record for non-wet conditions.

Remarkable. Over now to the Men Pretending to be Girls Pretending to Play Cricket finals... and it looks like they're doing a very good job of cocking it up, four wicket keepers!?

Er, I think they've abandoned Pretending to Play Cricket as it wasn't girly enough and they've started Pretending to Play Rounders, Joppers.

Remarkable.

And here comes the bowler, taking a long run up, ball held pathetically between thumb and forefinger like it's a dead kitten... still running ...

Can I just take a moment to thank Mrs Petunia Brown of Weston Super-Mare for this delicious Victoria sponge?

You certainly can Joppers. Here's the throw. Almost totally vertical, hardly any horizontal motion at all. This really is top class throwing like a girl.

The batsgirl is running up to take a swing at it anyway. And she's hit it! Travelling in a slow arc... backwards... to somewhere between Silly Mid Off and Fucking Ridiculous Very Far Off.

That being the new position for the designated fielder waiting at the bar to get the next round of drinks in?

That's right Terry. We've just got time to fit in some of the action at the Tranny Herding trials. What's happening there?

Well it looks like Beatrice Couldntthinkofasurname is attempting to move her small troop of tranny friends from the hotel room, represented by the 3-sided pen, to the tranny club, represented by the mud-filled pit, using only whistles, shouts and thinly veiled threats.

Made all the more difficult when they banned the use of dogs in 2006. Looks like one of the trannies has become distracted by a bit of tinsel hanging from a tree and is separated by the pack... and oh no, one's refusing to leave the pen until she's got her lippy straight. A complete disaster, as usual.

Have we got time for the beauty contest section?

No, they banned us from showing that, for being too degrading. Back to the studio...

Busy

2009-07-05T19:19:00.001+01:00

Well, Tom is one month old today, which makes me realise how the days are flying by, unlike my blog posts.

I freely admit that my priorities have changed completely. Jane is a lot better, but I'm still doing a lot of the housework. Once I've cooked dinner, tidied up, watered the garden veg, played with Tom, done my bit with the nappy duty, and finally sat down for some "me time" the last thing I want to do is blog.

... Hang on Tom's crying ...

... Colic. Meh. Where was I? Yeah I don't want to blog, I just want to veg for a bit infront of the telly or an uncomplicated computer game. That and sleep. Ah, blissful uninterrupted sleep. I remember it well.

Sorry for the lack of content. But Beckys Web isn't going anywhere, if that's any consolation!

To cut a long story short...

2009-06-06T13:41:00.000+01:00

Thomas arrived yesterday at 12:25pm, via ceasarian section. Jane is recovering well, and the baby is absolutely the best thing ever.

There's a long version of this blog post, but that can be written another day. Right now I just want to get back to the fledgling daddying. Ciao for now!

Danny La Rue

2009-06-01T19:30:00.003+01:00

When I was little, Danny La Rue (like anything else to do with boys being girls) was subject to my intense attention.

Like all children, I had hard and fast rules about what girls could do, and what boys could do, and had a great deal of difficulty when people didn't follow those rules. Danny was a man, but he looked like a woman. That took a lot of getting my head around.

Later on, when I started to want to try dressing up myself, people like Danny annoyed me. They were doing it wrong, it wasn't supposed to be easy! Danny La Rue didn't even have a girl's name!

And then, when I did start dressing myself, I realised how amazingly skillful Danny was at what he did. I didn't want to be like him, but I respected and admired what he did.

He died today, aged 81. I can't pretend that I really saw him as a role model, but he was a great entertainer, and by doing what he did with humour and without apology, he did a lot for making all men in frocks more acceptable in the UK.

Garden Birds

2009-05-20T21:17:00.001+01:00

I recently bought a mini HD camera, this is quick film I made with it. Just a bit of Blu-tack fastened it to the post next to my peanut feeder, and over an hour it caught a blue tit, green finch and great tit helping themselves to the peanutty goodness.

You might just spot the resident pair of robins, flitting in to eat the raisins on the lawn.

In other news, Jane is keeping well. No news on the baby yet, watch this space!

Post 1,100

2009-05-01T21:20:00.002+01:00

Blimey, have I really not blogged for a week? Well here goes...

This week we bought a car. It is shiny and goes fast and has plenty of room for a small person in the back.

We also bought a new "travel system" which is what they call prams these days, apparently. It is shiny and goes about walking pace, is more or less designed to fit small persons inside, and also folds up to fit inside the new shiny car.

If baby turns up when he's supposed to, he'll arrive this month. It'd be wrong to say that panic is setting in. Panic set in about a month ago and has snuck in his girlfriend Niggling Doubts, while his mate Creeping Dread kips on the sofa.

But it will all be okay, won't it? Yes, yes it will...

Won't it?

Last weekend we had a look around the delivery suite on a "guided tour", just so we know what to expect.

It was a bit like a TraveLodge, but slightly less clinical.

Other things happened, erm...

Look, I'm bunging all of this kind of stuff into my twitter feed these days which basically sucks all the creativity out of my brain and leaves very little left for bloggage. Okay?!

Love ya! x

BlogNor09: The Soup Tower

2009-04-23T11:02:00.001+01:00

King's Lynn has always been the workhorse of Norfolk. Norwich and Yarmouth may be larger and on first appearance busier, but neither of them concentrate on industry and commerce in the way King's Lynn has. There are no huge insurance offices in Lynn, no sea-front selling kiss-me-quick hats. King's Lynn is a town of industry, and a town where the agri-industry of the surrounding countryside came to trade.

As a child we used to through King's Lynn from my home in rural North Norfolk, on the way to see family elsewhere. The landmarks were all industrial in nature. The huge grey slab of the grain silo in the docks, the sugar beet factory pumping out it's sickly-sweet smelling steam, and the Campbells soup tower with it's transluscent sides revealing a mess of convoluted pipes. It was like a piece of modern art.

Today the beet refinery is long gone, travellers to Norfolk are no longer greeted by it's sugary pong. The power station and the new paper mill have taken it's place along the river, but I kind of miss the friendly smell of warm sugar.

The grain silo is still there, now painted gleaming white. Also still standing, but now unused, is the Campbells tower. It's the nearest we've got to the Angel of the East, a roadside icon seen by the thousands of holidaymakers who channel past Lynn on their way to the Norfolk coast. A few years ago they replaced the glass sides with metal ones, which if anything enhanced it's feel of an art installation.

The friendly Campbells logo instantly recalls Warhol's soup tins. The stark brick lines of the building itself are reminiscent of Giles Gilbert Scott's architecture.

Today it's decorated by a huge banner, "See what Campbells Meadow can become!", Campbell's meadow being the name for the shopping area at the tower's feet.

The banner has been hung by Tescos, who have a supermarket just next to the factory. What they want Campbells Meadow to become is, unsurprisingly, a shopping area dominated by an even bigger Tescos. Ironically, they're using the tower to promote its own destruction.

The soup tower isn't very large (strangely, it looks bigger from further away, where it easily dominates the flat fen skyline), it's not very old, and it's also not very important architecturally, but it is important as a symbol for what King's Lynn is, or was. A town that makes things, in fields and factories, not just consumes things in food courts and giant supermarkets.

If the Campbells tower goes, and I suspect it will, Lynn will have lost one more symbol of it's past, which to me is a sad thing.

Blogging Norfolk

TV Finds Religion

2009-04-22T19:20:00.002+01:00

No, it's not a book

2009-04-09T18:05:00.001+01:00

Apparently those big balls you get in gyms are good for pregnant ladies. Jane's been on about getting one for a while. I really hope she doesn't guess what her present is.

BeckysWeb Wilfully Betrays the Public Trust

2009-04-07T20:03:00.003+01:00

Well, what are the chances? The votes to decide the ending of Tranny and TV are in and - after weighting the votes using a very complicated algorithm that takes into account that I wrote all three endings and didn't want to waste one - every option got exactly the same number of votes!

Well, you asked for it, so here it is. Three possible endings to the "TV Goes to Prison" saga. Sit back and enjoy. And don't say I didn't warn you about the pun. And I I think actually after this I really do need to get out more.

The Typical Transvestite Behaviour Ending

The Incredibly Bad Pun Ending

The TV Actually Goes to Prison Ending

Tune in next time when TV finds religion! No, really.

T&TV Go Interactive

2009-03-31T15:23:00.000+01:00

I'm taking the almost total lack of comments on the last Tranny & TV to mean that you were all stunned into silence by TV's conviction and are now eagerly awaiting the conclusion to this nail biting story.

For that reason, I'm going to offer not one, not two, not three... well yes actually three... Three possible endings to the story!

All you have to do is choose an ending by commenting on this post with your choice of the following:

Option 1: The "Typical Transvestite Behavior" Ending

Option 2: The "Incredibly Bad Pun" ending.

Option 3: The "TV Actually Goes to Prison" ending. (There may be some reset button pushing involved if this one is picked).

You'll find a key pad under your chair, vote now!

Reset required

2009-03-30T23:18:00.004+01:00

What happened to the "reset button"?

In the old days of telly, fantastic things would happen each week. Someone would discover a long-lost evil twin sister. Everyone would suddenly turn into sex fiends because of a virus. The moon would explode and rain fire on the Earth every week. Even in Little House on the Prairie.

But it was okay because at the start of the next week everything would be back to normal, because of the reset button. It let writers run wild with their imaginations, safe in the knowledge that no lasting change would befall their characters.

Some people hated the reset button, but I actually quite liked it. It meant you could miss an episode without losing the plot. The programme makers also loved the reset button because it meant they could show the episodes pretty much in any order without having to worry about the whole thing making sense.

Entire series survived quite happily with the reset button. Good series. Stuff like M*A*S*H and Doctor Who and Cheers.

Then something seemed to change and the programme makers seemed to fall out of love with the reset button. The new fad was the "story arc". Rather than telling lots of little stories, you'd tell one big one.

The insidious rise of the story arc can best be charted by looking at the venerable Star Trek in its various incarnations:

The Original Star Trek - No story arc whatsoever. The only way you could tell the chronological order of the episodes would be by watching Shatner's almost imperceptible paunch growth.

The Next Generation - Slight signs of story arc. Character allowed to grow a beard. Character gains a child that doesn't immediately get forgotten in the next episode. Nothing major.

Deep Space Nine - Some story arc at the start, by the end completely abandons episodic plots (and any real Trek-like sci-fi) for a seasons-long story line about war. Because everyone loves war, apparently.

Voyager - Not as arcy as DS9, but a bit shit. A blip in the generally upward trend of the story arc.

Enterprise - Never mind interesting characters, plot, situation or the established canon, just feel the arc!

Nowadays, no fictional TV show seems to be green-lighted unless it's effectively an epic 120 hour movie split down into 45 minute chunks over 7 years.

I don't know about you, but if you can't tell a story in 10 hours or less, I don't want to know about it. If you can manage it in 1 hour, all the better.

What makes it worse are the people who have the full pay packages on satellite or cable, because even if you did fancy watching something when it comes to "normal telly" you're so fed up with everyone telling you how good it was on cable you'll stubbornly refuse to watch it.

I don't want to be told about programmes that "get good in about episode 7", I want programmes that start good straight away!

To enjoy telly you need to discover it for yourself. In the old days, you could catch a mid-season episode of a show and think "hey this is rather good, I'll think I'll watch this", without having to worry about the episodes you'd missed. Those episodes would be repeated sometime anyway, and you could watch them without them being spoilt by you "knowing the ending", because each episode stood on it's own merits.

Long story arcs just make for lazy writing. If you're not bothered about how you get from A to B because B isn't for another 18 weeks, you won't necessarily bother concentrating on making this episode particularly interesting.

I think I know why the story arc became de rigueur, and it's nothing really to do with writers wanting to "tell big stories", it's more to do with boosting DVD sales and box sets and paying for subscription channels. Because if you want to catch up with a series that's already in it's second season, you have to buy season one, or watch the "catch up" shows on the same network. If you don't download them from the internet, of course.

Of the TV I watch regularly, I can only think of one show that gets it right. The new Doctor Who manages to have compelling story arcs and make each show a gripping and complete story in itself, with no need for a reset button.

Bring back proper episodic telly, not epics cut into episodic chunks. Maybe I'll watch a bit more then. I might even buy the box set.

I can't believe no-one's noticed this before

2009-03-28T20:12:00.002Z

Listen to the start of this...

Now listen to the start of this.

See what I mean? It must MEAN something! Possibly related to the Illuminati.

This blog post is sponsored by Stolichnaya vodka and orange juice.

TV Goes Down

2009-03-26T20:00:00.000Z

Dreams do come true! (In a bad way)

2009-03-25T20:54:00.003Z

Jane and I decided to check out our new "local" tonight, a smallish hotel with bar and restaurant.

It was absolutely ghastly, in a way best described by Jane. On the way back I suddenly realised why I'd found it so unnerving. The endless nasty ornamental tatt adorning every bit of free space gave the horrible impression that you were drinking and dining in someone's front room.

Just like my dream.

I'm terrified that the hordes of trannies will start turning up soon. Bar the doors! Fill the baby oil cauldrons! (It ruins makeup).

My incredibly hard life coping with a pregnant wife (bring small violins)

2009-03-24T14:57:00.002Z

I'm living with the soft furnishing equivalent of a black hole.

Jane attracts any bedding item within 100 yards. By the time she's settled in bed, she has three of the four pillows under her head, another cushion under her feet and three quarters of the available duvet.

The other day she added to this list by purchasing a special boomerang-shaped pillow, which apparently has multiple purposes including supporting the tummy and acting as a nursing cushion, not to mention poking me in the back every time I edge further into the bed in search of more of the elusive duvet.

And the snoring! Don't get me started on the snoring! If only there was a pillow that stopped that!

(Pauses a moment to get images from the end of the film "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" out of my head.)

... Perhaps not that permanently.

I have a theory for all this. It's all down to evolution.

Every time I mention my lack of sleep due to sharing the bed with the Pillow Monster to my male colleagues who are already fathers, I get very little sympathy.

"Just you wait until the baby's born," they chuckle. "Then you'll really be missing sleep."

Which got me thinking, maybe pregnant women have evolved to prepare husbands for the complete disruption to their precious sleep patterns that a small baby brings.

I'm perfectly confident that my child will have such superior genes that it will come out with an innate sense of proper bed times, and also not getting up before 7 on a weekday (9 at weekends), so I really don't need this preparatory training!

...ahem...

In other sprog news, Baby is getting bigger and stronger by the day. What were once tiny flutters are now punches and kicks and great arching stretches that suddenly change the entire geography of mummy's tummy. It's great! Jane might disagree there. She used to ring me up from work when she first felt the baby move, now the novelty has started to wear off a little.

Babies, apparently, can learn their father's voice while in the womb. So I'm singing to the baby most every day, usually because I run out of things to talk about.

Current favourites (based on kick responses) are:

The Wheels On the Bus Go Round and Round - not including the controversial "Terrorist on the Bus goes boom boom boom" verse.

The Theme to Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds - which I found out the other day was first on telly over a quarter of a century ago. Makes me proud to be teaching my child the classics.

Just under 10 weeks to go. I'm sure I'll start feeling like an adult any day now.

Man Product

2009-03-21T21:04:00.002Z

One easy way to come up with a new fashion trend (and thereby fill a few yards of copy in newspaper style columns and fashion mags) is to take something that traditionally only women wear, and create a male version. Then invent a new name that's a tortured masculine version of the original word.

Finally, get a picture of David Beckham wearing your newly invented product. The best way to do that last bit is to send a free one to Victoria.

So far we've had "guyliner", "mantihose" and now "meggings". What male versions of female accoutrements will the style gurus think of next?

I have some suggestions for them:

Malepolish - Nail polish for men! Comes in a range of practical styles and colourways including "Desert Storm", "Nostril-Proof" and "Hammerite".

Geezerdle - Girdles for geezers! Nuff said.

Chapstick - Lipstick for chaps! (Possible trademark issues with this one.)

Sir-kirts - Skirts with pockets! Actual fucking pockets!! I'm sure no-one's thought of that!

BLUSHMAX! - Accentuates the cheekbones, to the MAX! (Not to be confused with Original Diet Blush, which looks exactly the same but is designed for ladies).

And finally...

Tena-Bloke - For every woman with bladder weakness, there's a man with a weakness for getting bladdered. An absorbant pad that's able to cope with the thinner, faster flow of six pints of Stella.

I welcome your suggestions!

Flickr Fakr?

2009-03-21T15:29:00.003Z

Not done one of these recently: fake or fantastic?

I wouldn't suggest it if I wasn't pretty sure it's a huge bit of fakery. But there's no "smoking gun", so to speak. Apart for it's a bit weird for a young TS to be in some of the hardcore groups that she is. Any opinions?

...

2009-03-21T11:41:00.004Z

Signs

2009-03-19T17:18:00.002Z

My journey home starts at 5, and I often tune in to Radio 4 to catch the main stories of the day in the 15 minutes or so it takes to get home.

By the time I pulled up outside today my eyes were moist, a lump in my throat, and I was looking forward to a big hug from Jane just to make everything all right again.

The crimes of Joseph Fritzl are so off-the-charts in terms of evil that it's difficult to hold the idea in your head all at once. For one brief moment I seemed to comprehend it fully, after some almost throw-away comment by a doctor who'd been treating the daughter and children. He said they need to wear special sunglasses to cope with the sunlight.

They'd never seen the sun. The hate and horror just rose inside me at that point, in a way that I've never felt before.

And then, another story, about a butcher found guilty of horrible negligence, causing an outbreak of the E Coli virus, and the death of a small boy. I heard the mother speak in measured but emotional tones about being powerless to stop the virus that ravaged and then killed her son.

Two horrendous stories, seemingly different but sharing a common thread. In the case of the butcher, there was a failure by the authorities to spot obvious patterns in the inspections they were making, and the inconsistent answers that the butcher was giving to questions. They didn't cause the outbreak, but they didn't stop it either. They didn't see the signs.

With Fritzl it beggars belief that no-one in the long years of his terror spotted something. Did the people who interacted with him, visited the house, not see any signs? Or did they choose to ignore them?

We're all guilty in our lives of living a blinkered existence, ignoring things just to make life a little easier. I think it's natural to be this way, as it's also wrong to live in constant suspicion of others. There's a balance that needs to be struck between being "nosy" and being negligent, but sometimes, I think, we need to take stock, take off the blinkers and actually think properly about the things going on around us.

With any luck, there are no more Fritzl's in this world; but there are dodgy butchers, hospitals disregarding basic standards of care, children slipping through the social worker net. They're all different levels of evil, some much worse than others, and we all need to keep our eyes open for them, and tell someone if we think something's wrong. If we do, maybe my journey home will be a bit less miserable!

Now you know how to greet people in Italian!

2009-03-18T21:28:00.004Z

Links for 2009-02-16 [del.icio.us]

2009-02-17T00:00:00-08:00

Mob Boss Wears Lipstick, Plucks Eyebrows
The Fairy Godfather?

Links for 2009-02-02 [del.icio.us]

2009-02-03T00:00:00-08:00

The upmarket country town that has been invaded by transvestites
The Daily Mail seems almost disappointed that there aren't gender-bending orgies behind the doors of a well-to-do village hall.

Links for 2009-01-25 [del.icio.us]

2009-01-26T00:00:00-08:00

Idée Labs - Multicolr Search
Find pictures that feature the colours you choose. Strangely relaxing

Links for 2008-11-10 [del.icio.us]

2008-11-11T00:00:00-08:00

Things I Have Learnt
I thought this post was Just Plain Great. K can still write the pants off any tranny blogger when she puts her mind to it.

Links for 2008-10-11 [del.icio.us]

2008-10-12T00:00:00-07:00

Bubba Needs a Sex Change
"The ratio of trans-cats is similar to that of humans that are transgendered." Hilarious.

Links for 2008-09-29 [del.icio.us]

2008-09-30T00:00:00-07:00

Transister
Looks like an interesting and fun new night for trannies in Brighton.

Links for 2008-06-26 [del.icio.us]

2008-06-27T00:00:00-07:00

The draGnet 5.0
Don't watch for 5.1, I have a feeling that this one will be pretty stable. Upgrade today! (Welcome back K).