The problem with that, as what I wrote in my last entry on Peter and his doubting faith despite seeing the Master perform miracles in front of him, is that like Peter, I too sometimes doubt. It isn’t that I don’t love God or anything like that. Rather, the question “Can I really be sure God will deliver me?” tends to often loom into my mind.

Which brings me to my 2^nd reflective point : You don’t give up on a God that Does Not Give up on you! While I know this deep in my heart, too often the howling winds and the treacherous weather clouds my firm trust in my God. But that’s the whole point of building faith and trusting in God isn’t it? So that during stormy seasons, we can lean on him and see His glory unfold.

And so I guess I would consider the next few entries that I am gonna write over the next few days as sorta of a “taking-stock” of God’s wonderful blessing on my mind. I find that I do get much strength when I am reminded of God’s saving grace in my life. Just as how God had spoken to the Israelites, reminding them that He delivered them from Egypt and that He is their God and for them to trust in Him, in a way writing all this down is somewhat similar. It’s to remind myself of what God has done and what more He can do in my life.

He had commanded them to take a boat and to meet Him at the other end of the lake. It was late at night already, isn't it dangerous to take the boat out at the middle of the night like this? One of them looked up in the sky "it's gonna rain soon... what is the Master thinking" he must have practically thought in his mind. And yet they obeyed their Master and went out in the boat.

From a distance he watch them. He knew what were in their hearts. He could hear their doubts, their confusion, their perplexity. He could hear their worries and their concerns. He could sense their apprehension and their fear. He too looked up in the sky. Dark clouds were coming. He knew what was ahead of them. He did nothing. He just continued to watch...

The dark clouds soon turned into rain. With it came howling winds which pushed the currents of the water. Waves began forming and soon. the boat was out of control. All 12 of them were terrified. Even though they were men of the seas, experts in their own trades, having braved though many stormy weathers in the past, this one in particular frightened them. "I knew this was a bad bad idea!!" exclaimed the one earlier who was looking up at the dark clouds and weighing in on the Master's decision to make them take the boat. Wouldn't it have been more practical to walk by the shore and stay dry in the mainland? 

The doubting apostle's thoughts came back to the boat. He too was becoming worried. Looking around his other 11 companions didn't help. All of them were terrified. 'This was a BAD idea' was all he could think of. 'I should have done something about it' he thought in his heart as he  and the rest tried their best to steady themselves in the boat amidst the rough seas.

The Master knew this was the time to react. He studied their hearts again. What were they thinking? As he scanned through their hearts, he saw more fear, more worry, more anxiety. They were terrified. And he caught some of them thinking "where is the Master? Why has he abandoned us?" He knew he had to react now. And so he made that step on the water.

"Its a ghost!" they shirked when they saw a white figure walking towards them. They would have probably heard such tales during their fisherman carers. Superstitious tales of not staying out late at night fishing or being near water in the middle of the night. They were terrified. It was bad enough the storm was rough, now a ghost?

"Do not fear, for it is I" the Master assures them. He knew what they were thinking. He knew how scared they were. And he also knew they needed hope to get by this storm. 

"If it's you Master, let me come to you!" cried out the Leader of the 12. 'ARE YOU CRAZY' remarked one of them. 'Don't be a hero man' the doubting apostle thought. 'Its bad enough we are out here, and there's a ghost in front, and now our Leader is gonna get himself killed?' he continued thinking. Then panic ensued. "QUICK, SOMEONE GET PETROS BACK!" 

But Petros, taking that leap of faith, defining the impossible, at his Master's invitation began walking towards Him. Mind body and soul focused on his Master. He could probably feel the icy waters brushing against his heel and the chilly winds freezing his body.  He tried to focus on his Master but within a matter of just seconds having made just 8 steps, he began to lose his balance. The winds were too strong, the waters too violent, the sky too dark. He was sinking. First the waters reached his ankles, then slowly the waters began to reach his naval. He was sinking...fast! LORD HELP ME!

At once the hand came and courageously pulled out PETROS out of the water. "Oh ye of little faith, why did you doubt me?" the Master asked Petros aloud as he pulled him back to the boat. Petros, having witnessed the glory and splendour and power of God was dumbfounded.

Why did he doubt? Had he not seen miracles that his Master performed? Had his Master not healed so many people around him, including his own relative? Or was it because, Petros, having seen all of these miracles, just could not fully and completely trust his Master?

I was just pondering today on today's readings where God invites all to participate in his salvation plan. I'm not going to qoute scripture and all that here but I do want to take a moment to just reflect on today's reading. God's plan for salvation is for all.

I had to admit it did get me thinking for a while as I was sitting down in the pew. I was hoping the priest would shed some light into the gospel reading but sadly that wasn't the case as he was talking on something else. Anyway that didn't deter me from thinking about it during the "homily".

The aspect it got me thinking was more along the lines of me being a sinner and unworthy of God's favour. Over the last couple of months, though it has been tough on me, God's grace and favour has been upon me. Despite my shortcomings and my failures to live the Christian life, God has been very merciful and generous to this rut. Sometimes I do feel that I am unworthy of God's grace. Afterall aren't we thought that as we reap so we sow? I mean isn't that how we treat our relationships with friends around us? I scratch your back. you scratch mine?

And yet, God, who is known to be all good and all knowing, in his great mercy and generousity grants us blessings, despite us failing to earn it. Despite our empty promises to God, our  failed resolutions to be a better son or daughter to God, God in his infiite love is still able to bless us. People often admire those who have big hearts and are able to give lovingly and freely to help others. I think the one who has the biggest heart is God. Cuz despite of our reapeated shortcomings, God is still able to look past our mistakes and come to our aid (Psalm 91).  As the foreign woman (Cannanite) begged Jesus repeatedly to heal her daughter, Jesus, moved by compassion and her faith, eventually gave in. Jesus could have easily ignored her. He could have just refused to listen. But the woman's persistant cry and her humility is what saved her daughter's life. (Read Matthew 15)

How many of us are like that? We all have our needs, and we do bring it to God, but how many of us are humble enough to approach our Lord like the foreign Cannanite did? From this gospel's reading, it tells us that our God is one that is full of compassion. Even if we don't deserve it rightfully, God is able to look beyond our justification and reasoning and still bless us by listening to our prayers.

But that doesn't mean we are then allowed to just fall back to our old ways. Miracles are always preceded with conversion.  When God touches our lives, how do we respond to Him? Do we just thank Him and revert to our old habits? Or is there a conversion in our hearts. A desire to follow Him because of what He did to us?

Then in the summer, our gifts and talents are further developed, further refined and further appreciated. Like those who appreciate the beauty of nature's gifts in the summer, we too appreciate our gifts and talents. We use them to help others grow, and in the process help ourselves become better people.

Then comes the fall, where the leaves start turning yellow. Some leaves start to fall, just as how we too become tired and weary in our daily lives. The daily toils, the mundane routine brings us down and some even chains us to the ground. As the sun becomes dimmer in the fall, so do our hearts. We become less vivacious with life and more cynical. As each leaf falls, we too slowly fall. Until all that's left is just a bare tree.

You would think that the leaves would come back again. But then, the harsh realities of coldness and bitterness of the winter season consumes nature. Everything is barren. Hope is somewhat gone. Sun, what sun? The sun is there, but no heat can be felt. Likewise our hearts are there, but there is no life in it. The heartbeat is there, but it's beating without purpose or meaning. Something is desperately wrong here. Will winter ever go away we wonder, as our hearts braces itself for the long cold feeling ahead.

Surprisingly, nature allows itself to be consumed by the bittnerness and the icy cool winds of the weather. Nature may not like winter at all, but nature knows its necessary, because what comes after nature, when all the ice has melted, when the dark clouds have passed away is the birth of another new beginning.

Nature allows itself to be redeemed once again. And although nature might repeat itself, for us, we have the opportunity to use that redemption for something higher, something greater ,something better. The winter seasons in our hearts allows us to become better persons than we were in the past, allowing us to grow naturally in the past, and in essence, to have a new beginning.

Its sometimes amazing to see how we are very similiar to nature. Perhaps the Divine Creater had a plan afterall.

It’s been a while I know. How are you doing? I hope things are fine with you. Of course it would be fine, you’re with the Creator now! How good can it get right? I wonder what you are upto these days over there. Are you still busy running around like how you used to be when you were here? Remember how I used to tag around with you whenever you had your school meetings? I would just sit in your office and read those kiddy books. I must say, that now when I look back, I thought your idea of starting a small library in your office so that the kids can improve on their comprehension and reading skills was brilliant!

And that’s what I miss you most I guess. Your brilliance to look into matters and figure out how to solve them. You somehow always knew what to do, and the right words to say. No matter the situation, no matter the ambiguity, you were always there to share your wisdom with me. I sometimes wonder mum, whether in your heart you really knew and believed whatever it is you told me to do. I mean, did you ever doubt yourself? How did you manage those “grey” moments in life?  I have my grey moments every now and then, more so now than before because I think as you grow older, life gets more complicated...doesn’t it?

How am I doing with food? Mum, come on, you know I never like to eat alot anyway. Why? I don’t know, I guess from small you’ve always known that I am a poor eater. Not to say I don’t like to eat, but...yeah I do miss your home cooked food. Remember how we would sometimes go into the kitchen and peer and see what vegetable dish you made?  Or how we would come to the kitchen and smell the aroma and ask you the stupid question “mum, what time is lunch?” I really do miss your cooking mum. And I can safely say, no other person’s cooking can rival yours...except maybe your sister’s....kidding kidding!

My friends are doing fine. I’m not sure whether I did tell you about them, but in any case some of them have come to also see you before at the hospital when you were ill. Do you still remember them? Yeah some of them left, got new jobs, some left to study, but most of them are still around. We do hang out from time to time, but I guess much less now, given my commitments have work have gotten more (we’ll get to that shortly!) and my responsibilities have increased.

Ah the joys of advancing in your career isn’t it mum? I remember how you too started out as a normal kindergarten teacher, and you were promoted to Headmistress back in Kelantan ; and only to find yourself starting again as a kindergarten teacher when we moved to Penang. How did you take it, I sometimes wonder. Did you ever feel that it was a step down for you? But nevertheless in your own way, you still rose to the top I guess accepting that position of a principal at Y kindergarten. When I look back now  as an adult, I can really appreciate your drive and your ambition to transform that school which you inherited into one of the best schools in Penang. Remember mum, how some kids at times would just call your name out in the supermarket whenever we went shopping?

How’s my work? Well I am sure you heard I got promoted right? Yeah that happened last year. It was quite a monumental moment for me, because, well I just didn’t believe it would happen, lest of all people to me! It was hard at first though. Remember how you told me to think about my decision and evaluate and see if it’s a good choice to make when you were in bed at the hospital? I had just told you I had been offered the position and you were telling me to think about it carefully. Well shortly after you went, I started out in the new company and I had to admit, the first 3 months were difficult. Thankfully you had raised 2 other good sons whom were really there for me. I would often come back and talk to them about my work and the frustrations, and they would advice me to just hang in there. In a way, I guess that too is what you would have told me to. I missed your wisdom during those moments. Work now is carrying on just fine. I’m doing somewhat well I would think. Yeah it has its ups and downs but I am sure you too would have felt that at the Y when you were the principal over there. You know mum, sometimes I wish we could actually swap work-related stories. Hehe you were always the one that loved to share about your experiences and sometimes I wish I was still around to learn a thing or two about you. These days I find myself reading more and more books to understand better about life and work and all that stuff. But I just wish I had you around to also tell me stories. Remember how when I first started out work in Big Blue and I would come back home from work and tell you about my day? Or how I would share with you what I learnt from my workshops and seminars? I miss doing that I guess.

Yes, I am sure you would want to know how my love life is. Somehow mum, we really never did get to talk about this that much did we? I mean sure you knew of Rachelle and all the other girls who at one point were interested in me, but I don’t know why somehow I never gave much thought to it at that time. Maybe because I too was just starting out with my work and just settling down in Urban Jungle KL and I was just trying to figure things out on my own at the same time.  Well I am actually seeing someone. Remember that girl from med school I once told you about? Try to think back mum, it was sometime in 2003 or 2004 when I was in Canada. Yeah that’s the one. Well things somewhat worked out between us this time around and we’re both really happy about being with each other. I did tell Dad about it and he seems alright with my choice. I know you too were alright with it as I remember you once told me how it was so nice of her to call me up in the hospital when you were undergoing your surgery and find out how you were doing. Well yeah mum, she is indeed a very caring girl. Very warm and loving. And that’s what I have always longed for in someone. You know, she would ring me up everyday after work just to “check in” on me. I think it’s things like this that makes you really appreciate the other person more isn’t it? I know you too would have longed for things like this from Dad, but yeah I guess in that sense, not everyone is like that. I learnt actually alot of my relationship experiences from observing you and Dad. Growing up in your household, I saw the pain and suffering you went through as a result of having a husband who was not very affectionate and who was more interested in his own affairs. It must have been hard for you mum. Yeah, sometimes I wish we could still openly talk about these things. As I myself prepare for marriage I wish you were still around to give me some advice. I now turn to the 2^nd one for advice, as he being the only married one in the house. But I really did wish you were around to share with me your wisdom. It’s not easy at times, but I guess you would probably tell me that no relationship is ever perfect and I should learn to be also more patient and loving to her. Did you know that we also pray every other night? Yeah that’s something really wonderful mum!  I sometimes do tell her that I wish she got the chance to meet you. You would love her mum. She has that wonderful smile that just makes you feel so at ease.

Well that’s all I have to say for now. I am really looking forward to seeing you. I thought it would be good for me to just take some time and reflect what is I have been going over the last few years. We are all doing fine here, sometimes we three do think of you, although we don’t openly talk about it. I know the elder one has mentioned you a couple of times and it’s nice to talk to him about you. We would reminisce about the times on how we would come back to Penang and surprise you or how we would look forward to your cooking. He feels he lost his best friend in you, and you know, I can see why he said that. You were also always there for him too. More to him as a friend, then a mom. To me, haha, being the youngest and all, you will always be my mum and my chatting partner! Oh how I missed those chatting days where I would just creep into your room and we would talk until late into the night about life and issues. You were really a wonderful companion. Remember how you would wait for me to finish my classes in college and you would pick me back and I would tell you about my day?

That’s why whenever I listen to that song Because You Loved Me I often tear up. Because it reminds me so much of you and how you always were there for me, something which I hope to emulate and be that same person to my wife and kids. Have you heard of that song mum? Ask Jesus about it, I’m sure he knows that song!  Even though it’s been 3 years, I really look forward to the day when I will see you again. I don’t know whether I ever got the chance to say thank you to you for being such an awesome and loving mother. You are certainly my role model and even though you’re no longer with us, you’ll always be in my heart.

I love you...always

Your loving son

I would often think of my failures back in school and questions which challenged my tenacity and intelligence would pierce my conscience.

Why didn’t you work hard back then? Why were you always in a lower grade class at compared to your peers? Why didn’t you take academics seriously back in school?

I thought for the longest time I would be destined for mediocrity. It’s not that I didn’t work hard, but I didn’t work hard enough to get the grades. I would often fall short by just a couple of points to getting “promoted” to a better class. It used to frustrate me for the longest time, and there was a point in my life, I thought I would just be resigned to the fact that this was all I could achieve in school. And I felt small compared to the guys who were in the best classes. No way did I ever think that I would ever be as competitive as them.

Fast forward more than a decade now, and I am still looking through those class photos. I turn to look at the peers who were in the 1^st class. I smile to myself.

The playing field has now been levelled.

What I mean by this is I no longer feel less adequate than these guys who once dominated the academic arenas in my school. Soon after high school, I am glad I realized that I had the potential in me all along, and I wasted no time in ensuring I apply myself to the fullest in college and university. I applied myself and I got the grades I desired.

Good grades and a high achievement in university meant my transcripts looked good and it led to more doors being opened. I could finally afford to demand and carve out my own career. I had the opportunity to choose which company I desired to join.

Of course, the rest is history.

Just a couple of weeks back, I bumped into my ex-school mates. One of them was a real smart student. He was a “first-class” boy with a renegade attitude. He seemed unfazed to meet me and so was I. To me, perhaps once upon a time people like him used to be the “kings” of the school. They used to have it all – the brains – the athletic abilities – the bright future – as compared to me.  I smiled to myself after that unexpected bump. This time around, I didn’t feel the inadequacy I once felt when I compared myself to these guys back in school.

I felt we were equals, if not me being better than them in my own career and life. My exposure abroad gave me a significantly distinctive advantage in broadening my perspectives and building my confidence. I felt I was ready to take on the world, and ever since then, I have always maintained my high-self esteem.

Indeed, the playing field has already been levelled.

Having said that then, we all know that in order to improve ourselves and our well beings, we need something known as feedback. Of course self-reflection and ruminations are also important mental aspects in helping us grow and mature in our thinking and behavior. Yet, feedback also plays a pertinent part in one's development.

But sometimes, getting feedback...well it's not what everyone wants to proactively seek. Why? Cuz it's probably gonna be bad news and I guess most people can't deal with it at that point in time. To me personally, in my working years I have tried to seek feedback from my superiors from time to time.  Not so much that I crave for it, but I feel it's always good to know where I stand, and where I can make improvements.

Does it hurt? Absolutely yes...well at times it does hurt. But sometimes the truth is what we need to hear if we want to improve ourselves. Truth by itself will always hurt, simply because it points to our flaws. And if you think about it, it's a good thing! If truth is skewed (which I believe it is since everyone has their own philosophy of truth), then what's the point of knowing the truth other than just patting ourselves in the back and justifying our "mis-perceived" actions as being "good".

Truth need not always be ugly. With the right frame of mind, and the correct attitude, truth can actually help us grow even further, in a way, truth can "fast-track" our development and maturity. But yes it will be painful, but again remember how I said about perception in the begining? Truth, if we percieve it to be painful will be painful. But if we apply meaning to that pain ; to use that pain to grow, to become a better man, then truth doesn't become as ugly as we think.

Incidentally, Lie to Me is one of my favourite TV shows. 

For the longest time ever it was a struggle to me. Why a struggle? Because I knew that I wasn’t so much judging about the person rather than the offence or the decision he took. But I could never explain this idea to others because I myself was not fully aware of this thought process.

The priest used the story of Jesus and the adulterar to explain this and I thought it was very poignant. While the pharasies no doubt were right in stoning the woman for the offence she commited, Jesus was able to seperate between individual and the sin. Sure she had a mistake ; she had cheated and it wasn’t like she was “wrongly accused” of doing so. But at the same time while Jesus did admonish her for her sin, he also extended mercy to her by forgiving her and holding no condemnation against her (neither do I condemn you).

That encounter is so prevalent in today’s culture isn’t it? We are told to be loving to the individual, and that if he tell the individual of his/her mistakes, we are being “harsh” or we are being “unfair” or even a “bigot” for that matter. We are accused of being narrow minded and having that “holier than thou” mentality when in actual fact we are just too corward to face facts and be honest with ourselves.

And that’s where mercy and judgement comes in and this is what the Church has always taught throughout history. The Church offers both judgement and mercy provided we are willing to be honest with ourselves and truly ask for repentence and forgiveness.  God is not so much interested in punishing us as he is more in restoring us. The judgement is necessary for the purification process to start and without the purification process, how  would we ever be better individuals for tomorrow?

So the next time you’re going to pass judgement on someone, remember to always isolate the individual from his/her action. The two are totally different.  When you see it from that angle, it will change your perception of things.

I couldn't believe it when he told me that. 1.5 GB in under 2 hours? My current streamyx could only deliver a 1.5 GB download over a night, but nothing more.

Ever since then I was on a mission to determine when on earth unifi would appear at my neighbourhood. Eventually over time I had gotten news about people saying that TM was laying some cables beneath the manholes in my neighbourhood, and 3 months ago, I saw the first "promotion counter" at my local shopping mall.

I signed up for it pretty fast and fastforward two months later, I already have unifi in my house. I won't go through the details set up however I must say that Jason has done a fantastic job in detailing out his unifi installation and review.

The speed so far has been amazing. I decided to put my colleague's statement to the test by downloading a movie with relatively high seeds and to my shocking amazement, it really was first! I managed to download the movie (1.5 GB in size) under an hour!!

I am still testing out the speed to see how long it will take to download movies/series with lesser seeds and peers.  But so far it's been quite amazing.

But I guess the best thing about this whole unifi service (to me) would have to be the iptv. I was playing around with the system earlier today evening and I really loved the whole idea (though not novel at all) of VOD (video on demand). I love the idea of paying to watch for something and the subscription is really really easy. Just select the movie you want to watch and just put the purchase PIN and viola, you'll have a movie available for your viewing pleasure over the next 48 hours! Quite nifty and I am eager to try it out one of these days (over a long weekend or something).

Anyway my own speed tests will be ariving shortly. I did conduct my own speed test just a couple of minutes ago before writing this post down and the results were not as impressive. Well this is simply because I am halfway downloading some stuff anyway. Will conduct another test sometime tomorrow or so.

Anyhow, I managed to solve the problem sometime mid-last week but I gotta say that the "additional delay" in my writing splurge got me even more hungry to pen my thoughts down. I guess that's what happens when you have to wait for something you really want a little longer isn't it?  In anycase it's great to be writing again.

And this time, I have begun to just develop a more-free flow writing style. In the past I was quite adamant that my writing style be of the highest quality as my goal was to use my blog to improve on my writing eloquence. Well, when you have that sorta pressure breathing down your neck, it's quite obvious the mood to just generally write also diminishes with it, as you start thinking that "nothing I ever write will be of worthy publishing and for people to read".

But the truth of the matter is, when you write from the heart, as the heart is not bounded by rules, so it will also reflect in the craft that is being produced, in this case your writing. And when you write with such joy and passion, those feelings are echoed and shared in the words. And that's what I call "the joy of writing".

The ability to just freely express yourself through words and later share those stories with those around you is something I have found to be quite valuable and its something that I do treasure deeply. It also helps clear the mind as once the thoughts are hard-coded into something tangible, the mind is able to freely "let it go" without much difficulty and begin to process newer thoughts and ideas.

Ahh, to have finally rekindled that joy of writing once again...