Uncommon Misconception

This is just to say

2009-12-13T11:53:49-07:00

(I love that poem.)

I am alive and doing okay. Not great. Not horrific. But I'm getting through. I started therapy again so I can figure out how to best care for myself and the girls, and what role I can play in ensuring our marriage survives. After some discussion, plain talking, and blunt reminders, Todd has scheduled his first session for Monday.

There are some large hurdles in front of us. Some habits and issues we've left untouched and unresolved for years now. I'm balancing between hopeful and realistically cautious.

Thank you all for your kind comments and checking in on me. I am still working too much and I've dropped a ton of weight (a direct result of the stress and worry). But I'm finding ways to strap that air mask on myself first so I can care for those who depend on me without pulverizing myself in the process.

I'm glad I've taken time away from the blog to save for myself. Thank you for giving me the polite permission I needed to do that. It will still be a bit before I feel like getting back to it here. But I do know that I will be coming back.

Christmas is here, and Hannah's birthday is around the corner. FIVE. Yeah, I know. I can't believe it either. The new year should also bring a number of work opportunities and choices. Lots going on. So please, kindly, stay tuned. And thank you again, for being there for me. For the umpteen-millionth time.

Behind the Silence

2009-11-15T13:55:29-07:00

Okay, so it's not just my ridiculously busy schedule that's kept me from blogging.

Todd and I have some relationship "issues" cropping up, and they're taking a serious toll. For a girl who's willing to draw pen-and-ink sketches of her uterus, write out first-hand narratives of bikini waxes gone awry, and discuss the most personal of personal decisions, then hit "publish"... well, I find myself strangely at a loss for words about all of this.

There are many factors: the cost of the financial strain we've been under for the past few years; his loss of identity over the past year and his new duties as stay-at-home dad; the role-reversal that we've always had to deal with in terms of our love life; and others I won't go into.

We've been married for over eight years now, together for ten. I am very much in love with my husband, but we have to do some work to get to the point where I feel that he's still in love with me, too.

My biggest hope is that all of this is situational, and that we can pick through each part to "fix" it. But I don't know how much of this I can or will talk about here. It's one thing to dissect my own psyche and quirks, but I'm not sure where the boundaries are when it comes to sharing our relationship here. And I think it would be wiser to save that mental energy for working through all of this. Because that's my first priority and obligation, and frankly, it's draining work.

My stats are plummeting lower than they've ever been, and I've never gone so long without posting in the entire six-year history of this blog. But some things are worth a steep decline in popularity.

I'm not abandoning the blog - don't know if I could if I tried. I just wanted to be as honest with you as I can about why I've fallen off the face of the earth. I'll still post when the moment calls for it, and if all goes well, I'll be back to my old self soon. In the meantime, there's a grindstone that needs my attention.

I know you understand.

A Hiatus of the Unintentional Sort

2009-11-02T15:56:46-07:00

I'm not going to waste space here with excuses about why I haven't been blogging much. I just did that in the last post. Instead, I'm just going to give you a smattering of random thoughts, milestones, and maybe a picture or two.

Vay-Cay

I hate it when people say that. I'm on vacation. And I think vacation is a reasonably long word with no real need for truncation.

We're at the beach. The girls have never seen the ocean or a beach before, so this has been great. The weather is cool, but not cold. The town is practically vacated. The only downers so far have been the so-so condition of the condo, the incessant noise from the repair crew that's been using pneumatic drills and grinders all day long, and the tiny bed Todd and I are sharing.

On the up side, it's VACATION! Which is something we almost never do. And even though I'm working some, it's still a welcome break. I can already feel my mind turning to mush.

Hannah

Is there some little stubborn almost-five milestone that no one mentioned to me? Hannah is mostly wonderful, but every now and then she gets this little attitude and it can be extreme. Assuming its a phase.

She's also growing like a weed and so freakin' pretty it hurts to look directly at her. (Feel free to check out the flickr pictures over there in the sidebar.)

Me, Elsewhere

If you're missing me, you might have better luck on Twitter. My twitter stream is over there in the sidebar, too, which is what made me think of it. I'm not perfectly consistent over there, but it is easier for me to dash off a thought or two there than here.

8.5 Year Itch?

Todd and I need to do some reconnecting. He seems to be going through the exact same form of loss-of-identity that new moms do. Being a stay-at-home dad is much harder than he bargained. He's chin-up about it, but he's also getting a little depressed, stir-crazy, and he seems to have disengaged from our relationship some.

For some reason, this also seems to have coincided with the Great Ex-Boyfriend Reconnect of '09, in which every boy-turned-man who ever had a stray thought about me, took me to a movie, or otherwise played a role in my teenaged life has looked me up on Facebook. Most of these are welcome. A handful are not. But the fact that a handful of guys are saying complimentary things to me right at a time when my husband seems to have take a big step back can cause some conflict.

We had a bit of a come-to-Jesus talk about two weeks ago about this. The jury is still out on any results thereof.

Worky

I still really like my job. This month, the balance of new client and existing ones was a bit tougher. And now I've gone and filled my weekends with photography sessions for the holidays. So it's about to get four different kinds of crazy over here. For the first time in... ever, I'm seriously contemplating not really having my own clients, once I move to full time with the new job. Then again, January is still a ways off, and lots can change.

Halloween

Caroline is a natural-born trick-or-treater. She chased after the gaggle of bigger girls, bag on shoulder, hauling hiney in her little lion costume and demanding "trick-treat!" of every stranger.

Hannah was beautiful and courteous and generally lovely. She had a great time. We went to our friend's house and did a family-friendly Halloween, with dinner, treats, and group trick-or-treating. Wonderful.

My best friend and her husband went as Bella and Edward. Freakin hilarious. I went as a semi-sexy teacher. Todd went as himself. Next year, we'll plan a bit more in advance.

Reading

I'm part way into The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo. And my dad just brought the new Audrey Niffenegger book, which I think I'll borrow next. What are you reading?

For that matter, what are you doing? How's life?

I Think of You Often

2009-10-20T08:06:00-06:00

I feel like this could read like a love letter from a boyfriend recently departed for some far-flung land. A letter that comes less frequently with the passing of time. A letter that reiterates the same points - "Life is busy, but good. I love you even more with this distance. And I think of you often." - and yet seems disingenuous because of it's repetitive themes.

And yet... I really do mean it. I swear baby. Aw, come on, don't look at me like that...

Life is busy.

This month, I began working four days a week for my new job, giving me one weekday and the weekend to handle my existing clients. So far, so good. I've managed to juggle it all without dropping the ball. It's also given me a good reason to hone in on my absolute best clients and serve them well, rather than taking on so-so clients who might not be the best fit.

The girls are going to an in-home daycare two days a week. The love it. As does Todd - though he wishes it were three or four days.

Life is good.

We are very slowly and methodically digging ourselves out of the severe financial duress of the past year. We still worry, and there is still no margin for error, but I can confidently say that our stress level has decreased by at least 75%.

We will be going on a little vacation in a few weeks. We're taking the girls and meeting my parents at the coast (the Texas coast) for a few days. We haven't been on vacation in so long that I'm not sure how to behave.

Caroline is nearly potty trained. This came out of the blue and is taking a fairly easy course. I think having an older sibling has helped.

Caroline has had a gigantic language leap. She talks in the longest, sweetly-worded sentences. Her impish grin and general tiny-ness add to the overall effect, emphasizing her precociousness.

Moxie came to visit and we spent a night out on the town: margaritas, queso, and line dancing at a gay bar. Throw in a strange incident with my car key not functioning and a couple of slices of street vendor pizza, and you've got a great time!

Hannah is getting so tall and beautiful that I almost can't breathe. She's tempering the overall effect though by butting heads with me at every turn. We're too much alike, plain and simple.

Todd has had a bit of business and a few real closings come through. Overall, though, he's become the primary caregiver for the girls. He's becoming more adept every day, but I have to admit that part of me smiles ruefully watching him negotiate all the challenges of balancing childcare and a bit of work - the identity crisis, the cabin fever, the desire to run screaming down the street... But he's doing it. And I love him for it.

I love you even more with this distance.

Even though my entire career now focuses on social media, I've found myself with less and less time to actually practice it. I have good spurts on Facebook and Twitter, and then go silent. I spend a night trying to catch up on my blog reading, only to watch the "unread" number creep steadily back up. I think of things I'd love to talk about here, but run out of time and wakefulness at the end of the day.

It makes me recognize (once again) how valuable my online community is, and how deeply I depend on you.

And I think of you often.

Surely I'll find stasis at some point, and I'll find a way to rejuvenate my connections with you. I still think of you, read you, and quote you to others (who still look at me like a loon for quoting people "in the computer"). Don't think that my silence indicates a cooling of my passions.

Perhaps you could talk to me to help fill the void. Tell me the most important thing that's happened in the last week of your life. I promise to listen carefully.

Book Review: It's Not Me, It's You by Stefanie Wilder-Taylor

2009-10-13T14:56:39-06:00

Ordinarily, I'd start off a book review with a neat little introduction or synopsis. But in this case, it's not necessary. Everything I love about Stefanie (we're buds, you see) was summed up for me in one line of this book. She had me at...

"Anytime I hear an Ani DiFranco song, I can't help but think about vaginas."

I peed my pants when I read that line. Then I read it again and peed some more.

Wilder-Taylor, who also wrote Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay and Naptime Is the New Happy Hour deviates from her mommy-themed stories for this book, compiling instead a collection of hilarious, touching, sharp-witted stories from her life - the majority of which (shockingly) happened before the kids.

I thoroughly enjoyed the book. It's a quick read, and lighthearted - even though she does touch on a number of issues that clearly have deeper significance. It's Not Me, It's You rambles in a way that fits her humor, and reveals enough about Wilder-Taylor to give you the impression you've been friends all along, while simultaneously making you suspect there's a lot more to the story.

Amidst much ado, Wilder-Taylor recently became sober shortly after the book was released (or maybe it was just before?), and she was only a few months into her sobriety when we met at BlogHer '09. I think that revelation impacted the way I read these stories, and gave them an additional layer. It also made me proud of Stefanie for being strong enough to go through such a striping evolution publicly.

In short, I think she's cool. And the book made me pee my pants. Anyone who can combine "Ani DiFranco" and "vaginas" in one fell swoop is aces in my book.