unfaithful in nyc

i wonder if i ever smiled quite like that before

2006-05-02T21:16:00.000-04:00

as what has become the usual, just when i'm feeling frustrated/bored/unappreciated within this entire M situation, he comes through. oh, M... he was actually online, and we chatted. he was in a seminar, which is why he had to take this latest business trip that he wanted me to come along on, and IM'ed from his laptop. we had only a few moments of idle banter before i told him that i miss him very much. his reply: "I was beginning to wonder about that". when i asked why, he simply said, "I was joking of course..I just miss you very very much". yes, joking...because that couldn't be his insecurity talking there, which is beginning to be a real turn-off. of course, it also is what endears me to him...so what aren't i ambivalent toward? he hints that he's already bought my birthday gift (it's a few weeks off...bonus points for the forethought) and then asks how i'd feel about stealing away for a few hours to a hotel next week. see how he mentioned the gift first? clever. so we're on for getting it on next week. i'm not excited yet...give me a few days. he then asks if he can call in a little while, and i say that i'm not sure if i'll be able to talk (the boyfriend was already home at this point) but that he should take his chances. and he does...he calls right then. he left his seminar, and i hid in the bedroom. our chat was brief, but it was wonderful...just hearing his voice was bliss, and i felt myself smiling...it's a smile i seem to have only with him, only for him.

how's that for a hook?

2006-05-02T14:35:00.000-04:00

M hasn't emailed in several days, and i was the last to do so. he IM'ed me yesterday when i was online, and i just couldn't help it...i didn't reply. so i'm supposed to be available to talk whenever he deigns to acknowledge my existence? fuck that and fuck him. ugh, i know...i am so playing the stupid game. it's just so frustrating...i already date one guy that makes me feel inadequate and gives me little attention...dating another is not going to keep me going to the gym. which is what makes the prospect of having a new man on the side so enticing. details to follow...

dear gentle reader...

2006-05-01T00:10:00.000-04:00

i've remarked upon each comment i've been left, as i think it's the least i can do to express my appreciation that someone not only has taken the time to read any of my writings here (thank you to everyone who has read and hasn't commented... and i very much welcome your thoughts!) but has then felt engaged enough to opine. i especially am touched by those of you who have shared that you are in a similar situation, as this isn't the sort of topic i tend to bring up with friends (example of a conversation segue i won't be making: "and your little niece is going to be your flower girl at the wedding? you and your fiance must be so excited! speaking of excited, so the married guy i'm fucking around with fingered me in a restroom the other day..."), and i feel comforted to know there are those of you who can truly empathize. i also feel grateful no one has left any "fuck you, ya two-bit homewreckin' hussy" (because clearly only extras from a community theatre production of "annie get your gun" would be so judgmental). and because i probably have jinxed my good luck, i welcome the impending onslaught of "slut" rebukes. so a kind anonymous reader left the following comment on my previous post...

"Wow, what is it about men in these situations. They can turn it on and off in a heartbeat. I know exactly where you're coming from. Am in a similar situation. Some days "D" is so easy to talk to get in touch with then the next day, boom, no response from him. I never know if he's testing me to see who can hold out the longest with getting in touch. What does this prove anyway? Enough about me...my question to you...are you over him? or are you getting too attached that it bothers you the way he's treating you?"

and as i began responding in the "comments" section, i quickly realized that my reply would be better served as a full-blown post for two reasons: 1) this comment provided an entree to directly address my lovely/handsome readers who all have such pretty hair and don't need to lose any weight at all (i'm just going with what i like to hear) and, 2) this comment simply got my mind going. and so in response... so this isn't an isolated situation...thank you so much for sharing. i often wonder if i'm participating in some undeclared power struggle that i did not sign up for. i simply want to be with M because i feel better about myself when i'm with him, though i can't say the reasons i feel worse without him are so simple to consider or to explain. with M, i think the push-pull is about affection and security...when he's feeling pretty good about who he is within our dynamic, he holds off on contacting me so that i'll work for his attention, therefore bolstering his sense of control in our relationship...and when he fears i may be losing interest, he's emailing and IM'ing and calling. i'll admit that i like when he gets like that since it reaffirms his interest in me, though i never withold contact toward that end...sometimes life just gets in the way, and i would think he'd understand, as it's generally his schedule we work around, but i digress. you asked if i'm over him or rather quite attached...and i ask myself this everyday now. when i wrote my previous post, i would have said i felt more the former, but at this very moment...i worry it's more the latter than i'd like to admit even to myself. he hasn't contacted me since last friday, not even a hackneyed "miss you" quickie email...and i feel so deflated and alone. i just want to be near him, or at least hear from him. i hate this. and i feel your frustration with your "D" and am sorry that putting up with that seems to be part of the cost you pay to be with him. i hope you are looking out for yourself, as he is surely looking out for his own best interests, and that you don't allow yourself to get taken advantage of...and i do very much try to take my own advice. wow, i feel the need to end this with a formal ending of some sort, so... yours in infidelity, hussy mcgee

i think the romance is dead

2006-04-28T19:12:00.000-04:00

i broke down and emailed him again, just a short and sweet "thinking of you" kinda email. i actually get a response back...wow, i have acknowledgment...wherein he says he's thinking of me and wishes i could go on that other trip that involves flying. he adds that we'll need a hotel date (i.e., time to fuck) when he returns from the trip next week. at this point, i want to fuck him just to get it out of the way rather than to quell any carnal craving. oh god...am i over him?

where is the "love"?

2006-04-24T21:57:00.000-04:00

it's monday...and no phone call from M, not even a reply to my last email. what the hell happened to his "we'll talk monday"? i wouldn't say this is reflective of the behavior of someone who "loves" me. this tires and bores me.

i hate "talks"

2006-04-21T13:46:00.000-04:00

sent M a brief email saying that i miss him and was glad to have chatted with him late last night/early this morning...this felt like a safe way to bring up our last convo so that he hopefully will say something, anything, about it. he emails that he misses me and would like to talk on monday. hmm, stating a particular day upon which we should talk...perhaps a relationship talk is in our immediate future. hmm, a talk...i want to discuss the L-bomb, but that's as far as i want any "talk" to go, though that's plenty in and of itself.

the L-bomb

2006-04-20T04:35:00.000-04:00

i was online at 3am, and who else should be online as well...from Boston...alone in his hotel room (yay, no one replacing me)...and perhaps slightly inebriated (which would prove to be either a truth or lie serum, i do not know). we had the usual chitchat...i miss you, i miss you too, i wish you were here, i wish you were here too, blah fuckity blah, and then this... "I love you so much you know" aw, for fuck's sake, seriously...what the hell am i supposed to do with that? and this was soon followed by the not so unexpected and therefore dreaded "do you love me?" i don't know how to feel about this or how to proceed with him from here. bottom line, i don't believe it, especially as he later proclaimed he loved me "unconditionally". my inner voice tells me this is absolute, though strangely romantic, bullshit, and i cannot remember a time when my inner voice has been proven wrong for me. and i keep wondering what his motivation was for saying such a thing...perhaps he simply wanted to hear me (or anyone) say "i love you" to him, or he wants to believe that i do so feel that way, or he's just feeling insecure about our relationship and this would help to allay any fears, or he's trying to manipulate me to truly fall in love with him, or he thinks that by convincing me that he loves me he can more easily manipulate me into doing whatever he wants...i just don't know. i wish i could say i asked him just that, but instead i pussed out and did a half-assed job of asking if he meant what he said, to which he of course replied yes. and when asked if i loved him, i continued to puss out and rambled a rationalization that surely, with so many types of love and all the connotations people have of the concept i, uh, um, perhaps, however slightly, you know...love him, too. god, i really hate me sometimes. and now what? do i grow myself a nice bit of spine and confront him, lay out all my confused feelings, and demand an explanation? or do i continue to follow his lead, wait for him to bring it up...or not...and simply parrot back an "i love you" if faced with the declaration again? how did my fanciful fling become so complicated?

and i hope it rains

2006-04-14T19:17:00.000-04:00

because it seems the wife is determined to go to Boston...a little part of me wonders if she suspects something, but i've been told it's not unusual for her to go with on the business trips...M came up with a little idea. he suggested i come to Boston the night his wife is leaving, as he is staying an extra day alone. we would then have 2 nights together and travel back to manhattan together. here's why i declined... first, since it's about a week away, it's short notice. suggesting a seemingly impromptu trip to Boston would seem suspect to the boyfriend. also, personally, i simply find it too little notice, like the way i would decline if a man asked me to go on a date with him in less than 48 hours. this whore does have some standards. and arriving/sneaking in the same night the wife leaves, and then fucking M in the same bed he had just shared with his wife, regardless if lame married sex occurred or not...again with the standards. i told him i hope he enjoys Boston even without me...but i so didn't mean it.

yes, but it was in manhattan...

2006-04-11T18:49:00.000-04:00

so M informs me that hotels with day rates...perfect for an afternoon romp...are hard to come by in manhattan, but they seem to be plentiful in new jersey. so where are all the unfaithful in the city doing their business? my inquiring mind wants to know.hmmm, i don't know about hitting it in jersey, and upon mentioning this to him, he rightfully reminded me that just several days ago i was willing to hit it in a public restroom. touche', M.

i bet he says that to all the ladies

2006-04-07T21:04:00.000-04:00

"you were so wet. dripping wet." this is what M said after saying hello. we talked about getting away, as i am positive now that i want to do so. we'd talked about going away to Boston together, and he has a legitimate trip planned in about 2 weeks. Boston...with M...oh bliss! i'm already conjuring up reasons for going that i can tell my boyfriend, and i can already see M and me kissing on Newbury Street. just one small hitch...the wife may be going. oh, for fuck's sake. my jaunt to Boston is being ruined by a wife. bleh. wives ruin everything. so he told me she intends to go and that he'll keep me updated if plans change, as she seems often to change her mind at the last minute. fabulous. he has another business trip in early may, but i'd have to fly to get there. i don't think i'm quite ready to fly anywhere with him...would prefer to keep our travels to the east coast for now. not only is it more difficult for me to justify flying somewhere to the boyfriend, but, and this is so silly, but i worry about what would happen if the plane crashed...would he be at all curious as to whom i was sitting next to...maybe the wife would...what if pieces got put together...yeah, i've watched that movie with kristin scott thomas and harrison ford one too many times. then again, i'd be dead, so fuck it. with him travelling, and me not travelling with, we probably won't be seeing each other for a while. *sigh* i feel my high from our last meeting already fading.

romance and regret on restaurant row

2006-04-05T23:43:00.000-04:00

(what's with that title? sounds like the name of a bad chick lit novel. oops..."bad chick lit"...redundant. i give up. anycrap...) where M and i kissed today: -on the corner of 8th ave and 48th st -in the restaurant -in the women's restroom -by the parking attendant's booth -in M's car why don't i just get right to it... M told me i looked cute in my hat, he touched my leg under the table, and he followed me to the women's restroom, where we made out hardcore. at one point, he turned me towards the mirror and proceeded to kiss and put his hands all over me from behind while i watched. then he pushed me up against the wall, and the next several minutes were a blur...hair was tousled, pants were unzipped, panties were pushed aside, fingers explored. it was when i realized his fingers were inside me that the question found its entree... "do you want to fuck me?" after catching his breath long enough to reply, "yes", i reached to my purse for a condom. and then he spoke again, "wait, we can't have our first time be here." and that's what i get for having mentioned before that i'd like our first time to be special and unrushed. holy clit tease, batman. he then knelt in front of me, and i knew he wanted to put his mouth to my pussy. i pulled up my slacks and asked what he was doing in a playful tone. he looked so forlorn to have been denied, but i couldn't understand the point of proceeding when i wouldn't have the pleasure of a subsequent fucking...that was just the kind of mood i was in...and generally tend to be in. there was then abundant kissing and touching and stroking in the car. i commented that i couldn't believe he turned down my request (which i said in a jovial tone, though i wasn't joking at all), and he said he felt the same, though i couldn't really read him, couldn't tell if he truly regretted the decision or was simply placating me. i continue to mull over his decision...after all his pushing for us to get away, even if it was just in a local hotel for the afternoon, could this mean he respects me and wants our first time to be as i had earlier requested, either to fulfill my wishes or because he genuinely wants it to be special? or maybe he is having second thoughts about having sex with me at all. perhaps he wasn't turned on enough by the way i looked, or maybe he simply didn't want to fuck in a public restroom, at least not the first time with me. i keep coming back to how i looked and what i said...it's such a reflex for me to blame myself for everything. if i were sexier, surely he would have said yes. maybe i ruined it with my question, by being too aggressive. and maybe i should be thankful...how would i feel if it had happened? even if the sex were good (and i don't even want to consider how shitty i'd feel if the sex had been bad), would i feel happy and sexually liberated, or would i feel cheated and used? and what sort of tone would that have set for our relationship...thrilling and carefree? how about cheap and easy? and why do i have to ruminate so damn much over everything?

b/c a little pink makes everything better

2006-04-03T17:01:00.000-04:00

i've actually been able to leave the apartment, though i've had to wear sneakers...bleh...but at least they were cute pink pumas. i think i will attempt some hot gym action later in the week, though i don't know whether i should attempt it before or after i see M. that's right, i have plans to see M this week! i hope he's not over me from having not seen me in so long. i'm glad the weather is still chilly so that i can wear layers and camoflauge the few pounds i've put on since hibernating/nursing my ankle. i'm counting on my ankle to cooperate with me in a few days when i attempt to wear heels to see M.

i forgot to ask if he'd spank me

2006-03-27T15:40:00.000-05:00

M and i had quite the chat today online. we somehow found ourselves playing a little truth or dare without the dare part...and we pretty much confirmed that if and when we fuck, it will be pretty amazing. i honestly wasn't sure before what he would be like in bed...would it just be hard and fast, slow and lame, all missionary, use of the words "penis" and "vagina"? i now have a clearer picture...lots of foreplay (what? i think i remember what that is, gimme a second...), me watching in the mirror as he undresses me and smooths oil all over me, appropriately sensual and filthy dirty talk, hair pulling for me, me taking it like a good naughty girl for him, creative use of neckties, and me having the option of using said neckties to tie him down and blindfold him should i desire even though he's never let anyone do that to him before. forget ice packs and advil...being all turned on made me forget all about my ankle...and M and i can put the ice to much better use.

i just want to look good for my married boyfriend!

2006-03-21T22:51:00.000-05:00

in my efforts to look better naked for M, i ran to near exhaustion today and jacked up my ankle hardcore...excellent. so not only do i not get to see him this week (and probably not the next either), i also have to wait even longer to go to the new Trader Joe's (yes, i'm one of those freaks who is absolutely geeked that they finally opened a store here), i don't get to leave the apartment in general, i'll probably have to lay off the stilettos for a while even after i can walk again, and i can't exercise. oh, but that will leave plenty of time for eating, thereby erradicating all the work i put into losing weight. and it's all coming together.

he smiled to see me wearing his gift

2006-03-16T20:42:00.000-05:00

after what felt like an achingly long hiatus, we finally got to see each other again, and i finally experienced restaurant row. M called to say he was running late, and so i actually arrived at our meeting place before him...i of course made sure he acknowledged this anomaly, especially as i don't anticipate it happening again. because it was chilly out, i wandered into the nearby staples to wait for him. he called when he had finally parked his car and made it to our spot, and so he quipped that it was interesting that i had arrived first but that he still had ended up waiting for me...i replied that that was just the way it is. we had italian, again...good fucking grief, what is it with us and italian places? i love italian food, as does he, but this is getting a little ridiculous. he'd mentioned that he doesn't eat out with his wife very much, so maybe he's making up for years of wanting after italian food (among other things), who knows...i clearly don't. after 3 glasses of wine, i really didn't care anymore. there was more talk of going away together...what happened to not pressuring me?...and while i avoided making any definite plans, i did concede that i did indeed want to go away with him, as he seemed to question whether i ultimately did want to or not. when we left the restaurant, we took just a few steps before finding a somewhat secluded area between the sidewalk and a building. as we kissed, we laughed over a nearby poster advertising a drag show with a picture of liza minnellli. and then we made out like horny teenagers...and then we ravaged each other's mouths like passion-starved adults. while he held me close with one hand, his other found my downtown. there was no under-the-clothes action, thank you very much...gotta keep this classy. i held on tightly to the collar of his coat while my other hand slid underneathe his suit jacket...i wanted so much to feel the heat of his body. all the while he whispered in my ear, and i did my best to quiet my moans. when we finally stopped, we were both breathless. M asked where i was going, and i replied i was heading to the nearest subway stop to go home. he is not so much a fan of the public transportation, and he asked, since he couldn't drive me home, could he at least flag a taxi for me and pay for it. though i have no qualms with taking the subway, i finally allowed him his kind request. there was something strangely sexy about watching him hail a taxi...it made me feel so taken care of.

oh no, not sexy voice

2006-03-09T16:49:00.000-05:00

M left a voicemail for me yesterday. although his voice was sexier than usual, it was a bad sign... deep, sexy, raspy voice = sick fuck fuckity fuck fuck. another week with no M. i could tell from his voicemail that he was just as let down, so that made me feel slightly better; no chance of him faking sick to get out of seeing me. i don't know why i even worry about that, as he's never, ever, given the slightest indication that he's bored with me. plus, when i take a step back, these anxieties are downright silly...older married guy in a sexless marriage (oops, that was redundant) meets a feminine young thing that makes him feel powerful and sexy...what's not to want? we had a good chat today while he was working from home. i felt so bad for him as he sounded just awful. i told him how i wished i could be there to take care of him, how i'd wear a sexy nurse uniform and kiss and rub him all over to make it all better. as he told me how much he wanted me and how incredible an image that was, i can't help but think that that lit a fire under his immune system. what can i say...i love to help others.

not again

2006-03-02T23:44:00.000-05:00

due to awful icy/rainy/snowy weather, no meeting with M. and so another week goes by with no M...i hate this. i want so much to see him...and for him to see that i've lost weight. i guess that just means i'll be even thinner the next time we see each other, which could be a while. i looked up the weather for the day he suggested next week, and the forecast calls for rain/snow. the weather is really fucking up my affair!

i want you to want me...more

2006-02-27T23:11:00.000-05:00

my last email from M leaves me less than thrilled, as i usually am after hearing from him. the first half of it consisted of him going on about some home improvement project during the weekend...like i give a fuck about that domestic crap. the second part stated that he misses me, which registers little reaction from me these days since he says this in every email, and that we should push our meeting time to an hour later since i'll be arriving after an appointment. i suppose this is a nice gesture, but it irks me...i suppose i want too much for him to want me too much. i find that i expect quite a bit from someone to feel wanted...i guess that's why having only one man in my life just won't do. and another thought presents itself to me...i have worried before that he was losing interest in me, but perhaps it is me who is losing interest. that would explain some things...why the "i miss you"s feel empty, why i don't look at his picture everyday anymore, why i don't have the desperate urge to respond to his emails immediately to ensure another email from him soon, why i don't call him. i know that i can be fickle with men and bore of them easily...but M, and already? perhaps my desire for him will be stoked when next i see him...or perhaps it's time to take that trip with him. i do know that i'm not completely bored with him yet...i still exercise everyday.

cheating makes me skinny

2006-02-23T23:21:00.000-05:00

i was supposed to see M today, but the cold i'm fighting wouldn't allow for that...i feel so let down by my own self. he was understanding and kind, and we agreed upon a day next week to meet. he's taking me to lunch somewhere on restaurant row...i'm discovering so much about the west side that i wouldn't without him. i may have been too sick to look presentable for M, but i wasn't too ill to work out. i'm proud to say that i now exercise regularly, 5-6 days each week, and i owe it all to this affair. hmm, maybe this is a new weight loss program i should market...cheating your way to weight loss success! another week without M...i can't believe i could miss him so. i sometimes indulge in this feeling...stare at a picture of him he emailed, reread old correspondence, mentally replay our meetings at a slowed, dream-like pace. other times, i remind myself that i cannot be so emotionally involved, that i can feel good for the needs i'm getting met by him but that i can't confuse what we are with a conventional relationship. even if he chooses to refer to me as his "girlfriend", my role as such is very different than the one i play with my boyfriend, and though M and i romanticize all this, i must keep my feelings in check. is that even possible? to consider a relationship romantic (in the way we treat each other, not simply because it is physical/sexual) and yet have to keep emotions at bay? i suppose people play such games all the time in conventional relationships by detaching emotionally, regardless of the severity, in order to avoid getting hurt and/or to obtain/maintain power within the dynamic. as much as i'd like to say i don't engage in such defensive mechanisms, i do. i think most of us do at some point...it's such a normal response to the hurt we've experienced in past relationships. and so while i allow myself now and then a little slack in my naive rope to chase silly dreams and revel in maudlin longing, i am cautious to reign myself back in, to preemptively catch myself before i have the chance to fall.

maybe we passed each other and never knew

2006-02-21T00:19:00.000-05:00

i was on the UWS this weekend, and M had told me he would be in that area this weekend as well. i wondered what would happen if i saw him on the street, if he saw me...holding my boyfriend's hand, without that smile that only M is able to induce of late. i hoped i would see him, which was ridiculous...i wouldn't have been able to do anything, to run up and kiss him and tell him how much i missed him and touch his hair...i wouldn't have been able to acknowledge him at all. maybe i hoped he would see me and my faraway expression...and then he would be certain that how i am with him is real.

hello, newbury street

2006-02-16T17:30:00.000-05:00

i was late, but i was less late than before...after M kissed me hello, he remarked that if my trend continues, i might actually be on time soon. we lunched at a cute place in little italy, sitting adjacent to each other...this lent itself to hand-holding, hair caressing, and the occasional thigh squeeze. no, we weren't all over each other...these moments were rather discreet, as he and i prefer. as we were finishing our entrees, the surprise appeared. the box was beautifully, and professionally, wrapped, and inside...a lovely piece of jewelry. i put it on, and it worked just perfectly on me...i couldn't believe he could know me well enough to give me something that was so me (unlike the boyfriend), and yet i can believe it. he explained that when he saw it, he just knew it was right on me, that it exuded the beautiful qualities that make me me. that all may very well have been a bunch of crap, but he has such a wonderful way with words and with impressing me...it's a very nice piece of jewelry. we had dessert and lingered in the restaurant...too cold for any outdoor pda...and had the most incredible conversations...politics, npr, the ny times, art. i realize these topics don't scream passion and romance, but they mean a great deal to me and to our dynamic...he talks with me as he would an equal, not some dumb young thing, and he can certainly hold up his end of such discussions. i often feel quite starved for any decent discourse, as my boyfriend is completely unable to engage in any sort of repartee (one of many areas in which he leaves me unsatisfied). once again, M fills the void. insert sophomoric joke...i know i already have. and i'm still unsure about going away with him. he brought it up again and said that he doesn't want me to feel pressured at all, that he doesn't want me to do anything that doesn't make me happy, and that he just wants to be able to spend more time with me regardless if sex occurs...of course i realize that's code for "i want to fuck you, and if not now, then i guess i'll just have to wait, but it is happening." he also mentioned he would treat me to some shopping and asked if i would like that. uh, yeah! i tried not to seem too impressed. so i continued to avoid giving him a direct answer about the when and if of a trip together. i have to admit, though i am still undecided, i find the idea less of a flight of fantasy and more of a titillating reality.

he likes me, he really likes me!

2006-02-15T20:13:00.000-05:00

i didn't call M back...he msg'ed and emailed me, telling me how much he hates not hearing from me and apologizing yet again for not being able to talk yesterday. i continue to feel much better about our situation. i can't, can't, can't wait to see him.

maybe i'll call...but a little anxiety is good for him

2006-02-15T11:27:00.000-05:00

so i did call M back yesterday. i was having a cute and flirty convo with him, though he seemed a bit cold and aloof, which caused me to amp up the flirtiness. he recalled the busyness of his day, and i pouted (in a clearly cutesy/silly way) that he hadn't had time to see me; he replied with a very professional, "sorry". if i hadn't been out in the middle of the city and trying to do 8 different things at the same time, i would have caught on sooner that he was not alone in his office and could not talk. when we hung up, i felt deflated, and though i knew his demeanor was necessary, i felt distant from him...i worried something had changed between us, with him. when i got home, he called, twice, and i didn't answer. in his voicemail, he apologized that he couldn't really talk because he wasn't alone and that he should have let my call go to voicemail but he wanted to hear my voice. i didn't have time to call back, as i was getting ready for my v-day evening with the boyfriend (which turned out, as i predicted, to be a disappointing waste of time). i checked my email before i went to bed, and he'd emailed several times. M called this morning and left a sweet message. i'm guessing from all the attempted contact, he's been having anxieties about us similar to my own. it's reassuring to know that he is indeed thinking of me and is not bored with me. i had entertained that latter thought, had feared i wasn't what he wanted and that he was moving on, had perhaps already replaced me. such strange thoughts...to be jealous that he might have another girl on the side but caring very little that he has a wife that he goes home to everyday. well, wives are so boring...who could be jealous of a wife? certainly not me. i consider "wife" a four-letter word, and i can't imagine becoming one anytime soon and losing my individuality, femininity, and freedom. a pretty amazing man, far more so than the present boyfriend, would have to come along that could tempt me into the possibility of spousehood. i think i'll go for a run. gotta whip this body into affair-ready shape.

sad/lonely longing, not heart-racing/thrilling longing

2006-02-14T11:45:00.000-05:00

it's v-day, and i wish i could be with M. i'm not surprised to be missing him today, as i miss him all the time these days, but i wasn't anticipating missing him as much as i do right now. i just know that if we could be together today, he would treat me to something devastatingly romantic. we plan to see each other this week, and he mentioned that he has a surprise for me, but today feels so hollow without him. i wonder if he thinks of me as much as he says he does...i know i think of him more than i let on. he called, but i couldn't answer...i couldn't risk being all vulnerable and sappy and lame and shit. *sigh* maybe i'll go to the gym...i've been on a roll with all this exercising and restricting my eating whatnot, and i can officially fit into every pair of jeans i own...even and particularly my skinny jeans. then i guess i should prepare to be underwhelmed by the boyfriend and whatever craptastic v-day idea he threw together while at work today.

i've missed lusting for someone i can have

2006-02-13T18:56:00.000-05:00

i can't stop thinking about M, about our last meeting, about the words he whispered, about his lips on mine. i love having to fight back my mysterious little smiles rather than the usual struggle to smile at all. sometimes i catch myself smiling and feel as though my expression gives away everything. M emailed to express how much he wants to take me on a trip with him. he said he may be travelling to boston (he is aware that this is my absolute fave city) and that he wants me to accompany him. while this is quite the exciting opportunity...strolling through beacon hill, staying in what i know will be a gorgeous 4-star-minimum hotel, room service, newbury street, mad crazy sex...i'm not sure how i feel about such a prospect, particularly that last bit. on one hand, the idea of sex with M is not one i'm committed to pursuing just yet. on the other hand, i'm thinking it's an inevitability...so why put it off? it's not like i'm gettin' the good stuff at home...my boyfriend's never been able to adequately lay the pipe. and i love sex...the wilder, dirtier, and more creative, the better. the boyfriend is more of a missionary position/vanilla sex kinda guy...yawn. however, even if fucking M is a sure thing, i find the anticipation to be absolutely delicious. i've been yearning to have something to long after.