Simple.  Elegant.  Useful.  Handmade of walnut…and a nail.  Uncommon Goods – $22

Miracle Whip has to be one of the most polarizing food items in existence. A recent survey showed that it’s less polarizing than foie gras, but more polarizing than dipping chicken nuggets in ketchup. Which, in my book, is infinitely more wrong than force-feeding a duck corn then chomping on its liver.

Wherever you stand on Miracle Whip, I’m guessing it’s either that you love it or you hate it.  Period.  There doesn’t seem to a be an area of ambivalence towards the stuff.

I’ve found when the subject comes up and when asked, the conversation goes one of two ways:

Joe: Do you like Miracle Whip?
Mike: I would rather eat a sandwich of live bees and camel spit.

Or…

Joe: Do you like Miracle Whip?
Karen: Are you serious?  I LOVE Miracle Whip!!!  If there was a dead possum on the ground in front of me right now and there weren’t more than two or maybe three buzzards eating on it, I would smother two pieces of Wonder Bread with a half cup of Miracle Whip and set that possum and maybe one of the buzzards, if they weren’t flapping around too much, between those two pieces of bread and have me a feast of epic proportions!  Then I would eat the rest of the Miracle Whip straight out of the jar with my bare hands as the most delectable dessert in the history of desserts.”

Personally, I’m in the camp of the Miracle Whip haters. I admit, “hate” is a strong word and I seldom use it, but in this case I believe it’s warranted.  It’s sweet and funky and tastes like death dipped in sugar.

Miracle Whip is wrong on so many levels and I can’t imagine a good use for it other than possible rubbing it all over your body before swimming in the Amazon river in order to keep the piranha from eating you.

via bon appétit

Sur La Table has (yet another) exclusive Le Creuset color.  This time it’s fennel.  Fennel?  Seriously?  Why not cilantro, or broccoli, or even…gasp…green?  As a kid, even my jumbo box of Crayola crayons (64 in all) didn’t have a color called “fennel.”  In fact, throughout the history of Crayola, there has never been a crayon color called fennel.  Which, in my reality, means it doesn’t exist.  If Crayola doesn’t have it, nobody should.

Food photography doesn’t get any better than this. 

Tip by Tom (ManDogMachine).

★

The old fashioned garlic press is so 2010.   The Garlic Rocker is the next evolution in garlic annihilation.  Place the Garlic Rocker over a clove of garlic and press down with a slight rocking motion.  The garlic is crushed quickly and efficiently and ready to be added to your pan.  Breeze through an entire head of garlic in a flash.  Cleanup is a cinch – the crusher is stainless steel and doesn’t have any of those funky nooks and crannies like a traditional garlic press.  And because it’s stainless, it’ll deodorize your hands by running it under water and using it like a bar of soap.  Tada… no more stinky hands.

Buy from Uncommon Goods – $15

A few weeks ago Starbucks unveiled their new logo. I hate it. They removed the words “Starbucks Coffee” from around the mermaid lady mascot thingy. And now the logo is just a single color: green. It’s flat, cold, and lifeless.

Starbucks Chief executive – Howard Schultz:

“The new interpretation of the logo at its core is the exact same essence of the Starbucks experience. And that is the love we have for our coffee, the relationship we have with our partners and the connection we build with our customers. What I think we’ve done is we’ve allowed her to come out of the circle in a way that I think gives us the freedom and flexibility to think beyond coffee. But make no mistake. We have been, we will continue to be, and we always will be the world’s leading purveyor of the highest quality coffee.

Beyond coffee? OK, that means new products, right? What kind of new products? Mermaids? Mermaid shaped piñatas? Mermaid skin motorcycle chaps?

Starbucks Senior Creative Manager – Mike P.

“After hundreds of explorations, we found the answer in simplicity. Removing the words from the mark, bringing in the green, and taking the Siren out of her ring.

Who are we kidding? Nobody calls her “the Siren.” To the rest of the world she’s a mermaid. And to most people she was just a green blob in the middle of the real Starbucks logo.

“For forty years she’s represented coffee, and now she is the star.”

The mermaid represented coffee? When I think of a mermaid I think of a tuna fish sandwich, potato chips, and a dill pickle spear. Not coffee.

I’ve been reading some other blogs and a lot of snooty Starbucks haters said they don’t care about the logo change. Seriously people, how could you not care?

Marsha from NJ:

“I couldn’t care less about the new Starbucks logo. Actually, if it were possible for me to care any less I wouldn’t be posting this comment stating how much I couldn’t care less. I could be doing something useful, like working, since I’m a 9-1-1 dispatcher, but I’m all caught up on Facebook. So, I decided to go ahead and take this time to tell you that I really, really, really, really, really couldn’t care less about the new Starbucks logo.”

Sam from Nebraska:

“I’d rather drink yak urine than drink a Starbucks coffee. The new logo suits them fine. Their coffee tastes like burned possum fur, so taking the Starbucks Coffee off the logo makes perfect sense and probably saves them a future lawsuit. If the marketing people at Starbucks really knew what they were doing, they’d put Burned Possum Fur Coffee on the logo and replace the mermaid with a possum with flames coming off of it.”

David from North Dakota:

“I’m replying to the news about the new Starbucks logo. I was getting my back waxed and couldn’t wait to reply to say I really couldn’t care any less about this Starbucks logo change. I don’t even drink Starbucks because I refuse to pay more than .99 cents for a cup of coffee and I rather enjoy drinking out of Styrofoam because I can see my teeth marks in on the rim. Then I can pretend like I’m on CSI Miami. So, that’s why I don’t really care about the new logo, even though I really don’t recall what the old logo looked like since I don’t drink Starbucks, but somebody who I didn’t really know told me they didn’t like it and like a lemming I agree.”

Starbucks is not flashy. Pepsi and Gatorade are flashy and their logos represent that fact. The old Starbucks logo gives me comfort. It is nostalgic and warm. Even their coffee shops reflect their old logo. The shops are comfy and inviting… comfy like a living room… like my living room, but with a bunch of strangers sitting on my couch. The new logo is not comfy. It looks like a logo to put on the side of a professional football team’s helmet (the Seattle Mermaids – which really doesn’t roll off the tongue or intimidate very well) or possibly as the new symbol for the Norwegian navy.

Besides, the mermaid lady kinda creeps me out. When she was surrounded by the Starbucks Coffee ring of protection, I felt like that kept her evilness in check. Now I feel like all the evil from Pandora’s Box has been released onto the world and I fear if I stare into her eyes she will steal my soul. Not only am I disappointed with the new logo aesthetically, I also fear for my life.

How many ingredients does it take to make chocolate?  Look on the back of a commercial chocolate bar wrapper and you’d think it was about 173.  That’s crazy.  Chocolate doesn’t have to be an over-processed and over-chemicalized bar of unhealthiness.  Don’t you think that would look good on a bumper sticker?

With the Mayan Magic Chocolate Making Kit it only takes three ingredients: Cacao Powder, Cacao Butter, and Agave Nectar.  These three ingredients are combined to create a sweet treat that’s actually three times higher in antioxidants than regular store bought chocolate.

The Mayans were making chocolate with these three ingredients 3000 years ago.  A typical birthday in the Mayans time went a little like this: make a homemade birthday cake from freshly made chocolate…yes, shocking as it may seem, even the cakes were homemade back then.  Remember there were no Walmarts 3000 years ago to buy a birthday cake.

After the cake was made and the presents wrapped in banana leaves, everybody got on their donkey and rode to Chuck E. Cheese for the birthday party, just like we still do to this day.  The big difference between Chuck E. Cheese 3000 years ago and today is, instead of kids going absolutely crazy playing 200 arcade games, 3000 years ago the kids just stared quietly at sun dials.  Oh, how times have changed.

Coolness Factor: Extremely cool.  You are making your own chocolate from just three all natural ingredients!  You’re almost as cool as Alton Brown.  OK, not really.
Usability: Really easy to make.  Just don’t heat the chocolate to quickly.  Otherwise it will burn.  Then it will not be cool anymore.
Why You Need It: Because this chocolate is a lot better for you than that chocolate bar out of the vending machine at the office.  And when you tell people you make your own chocolate they will want to be your friend.

$24.99 – Buy from Think Geek

Makes 200 grams of handmade (good for you) chocolate.  200 grams is a tad over 7 ounces.

No idea what to prepare at mealtime?  Let the What to Cook Dice decide for you.  Roll the dice and wham-mo, it’s eggs, bok choy, and fennel for dinner — which would be very depressing.  Or… you could could get, bacon, bacon, and bacon.  Now that’s a meal!

You just never know how creative and diverse your meals could become with these dice.  Choose between the omnivore and the vegetarian sets.  10 dice to a set and packed in a re-purposed spice jar.

$18 – Buy from Twine

The Miyabi Birchwood kitchen knife collection is a knife set developed by, and exclusive to, Sur La Table.  After carrying the big names in knives for years, they are now designing their own knife collections.  This, to me, is a big indication of how big the kitchen knife market is.  I think Sur la table hit it out of the park with these.  They’re beautiful.  I’ve seen them in person and they are even better looking in the store as they are in the picture.

Made in Japan and designed using 101 layers of steel forming an unmistakable Damascus pattern around a extremely hard core layer of 63 Rockwell steel.  Oh, that just gives me goosebumps all over.

The light Birchwood handles are what really set these knives apart from everything else on the market right now.  The handles look old world, even though they’re brand new.  That’s a good thing.  They have character, where so many knives don’t.

Dear Sur La Table:  If you are reading this and you just happen to have a set of these knives that you no longer need.  Maybe a set you were just going to toss out anyway because some Sur La Table executive was making room on his desk for a new Mont Blanc pen.  I will gladly take them off your hands.  No, seriously.  OK, you can stop laughing now.

Check out the entire collection at Sur La Table.

I AM MAD AT MY COFFEE AND WILL PUNCH THE MUG WITH BRASS KNUCKLES!!!!!!

OK, I’ve never been mad at my coffee.  I love my coffee.  Mmmm… coffee.  But if you were mad at your coffee and you did punch it with brass knuckles and you had a special high-speed camera that could take a picture right at the second you made contact with the mug and the mug slightly warped just before the ceramic exploded into thousands of shards and sent scalding coffee all over the place (but mostly on the front of your white shirt, because that’s where coffee likes to be if not in a mug or a cup), this is exactly what it would look like.  Exactly.

$14.99 – BUY from Perpetual Kid.

WOOT! It’s September 18 and that means… it’s National Cheeseburger Day! If you’ve never celebrated it before, it’s a lot like Halloween, but you give the kids that come to your door raw ground beef, cheese, and hamburger buns instead of candy. If you’re not prepared for their visit and give them something silly like an apple or a bottle of Scope, be prepared to face their wrath. Your house could be pickled.  And you thought eggs were hard to remove from vinyl siding.

As I reflect back through my life, two cheeseburger memories stand out.  The first – when Mike Fujitsu smashed a cheeseburger in my face at lunchtime in the 8th grade.   It wouldn’t have been so bad, but he had relish on his cheeseburger.  I loath relish.  Why would someone ruin a perfectly good cheeseburger by putting relish on it and then decide to smash it in somebody’s face?  Why wouldn’t he of asked what condiments I liked on my cheeseburger, prepare it to my liking, THEN proceed to smash it in my face? Sheesh.  Whatever happen to people being considerate of others?

My other fond memory of the cheeseburger is the all-time classic Saturday Night Live skit, “The Olympia Restaurant.” It aired in 1978 and featured the original cast.  You can watch it below.  Wow, 1978, that’s a long time ago.  Back then a CD was known as a “certificate of deposit.”

Happy National Cheeseburger Day! And don’t forget to eat a cheeseburger today!

Photo from: Metrocurean

Samurai Sword Chopsticks were originally designed for baby Samurai to train back in the days of the ancient warrior.  Then Tom Cruise came along and all the Samurai got mowed down by a the newly invented Gatling gun, but Tom Cruise held his ground… for about 37 seconds.

These chopsticks are exact replicas of the ancient weapon, with the exception that it is made from plastic and won’t slice your tongue completely off while eating a bowl of rice noodles.  You you can either give these to your infant and raise them in the way of the Samurai, but we all know what a bad idea that would be.  Or simply use them as chopsticks, which would have been a better idea for the Samurai back in the day.  Instead of training as Samurai, those guys could have trained to be electricians, airline pilots, or Hello Kitty merchandise designers.  We definitely need more of those.

$12.99 – Buy from Think Geek

The Smoking Gun food smoker, is well, cool… in theory.  Smoking foods is all the rage, and this hand held smoker allows you to add a smoky flavor to meats, veggies, cheese, fruits, and even drinks.  But there’s a problem.  Where are you going to smoke the foods?  In the kitchen?  Let’s light up the SMOKER in the HOUSE and not think we won’t be setting off any SMOKE DETECTORS.  Maybe you have a different experience.  Maybe I’m totally off base, but I don’t see how.  I’ve watched the National Geographic Channel.  I’ve seen bee keepers use a smoke gun before.

OK, lets say the whole smoking thing does not cause your smoke detectors to go off and your neighbors don’t call 911 and the fire and rescue folks don’t chop your front door down with an axe and spray you in the face with a fire hose – there’s this little issue with the cost of the extra wood chips.  Are you sitting down?  Four additional 1 ounce jars of wood chips, yes, jars of wood chips for the smoker, is going to run you $24.95.  Each about the size of a shot glass.  Do you not see this as a problem?  4 ounces of wood for $24.95.  That’s laughable.  I can only theorize that whoever priced the extra wood for this kitchen gadget was smoking something other than wood chips in The Smoking Gun.

Coolness Factor: The item is very cool… if you are a bee keeper.
Usibility: I have my doubts.
Why You Need It: To add a delicate smoky flavor to foods.  Or to collect honey.
Value: The Smoking Gun itself is not a bad value at $99.95, but the refill chips at $24.95 for four 1 ounce jars is a complete deal breaker.  Ask yourself, how many times are you going to buy the refill chips at that price?  Never, is the correct answer.

$99.95 – Buy from Williams-Sonoma

I love a great coffee mug.  To me, a coffee mug is like my favorite pair of shoes.  Sure, I have others and they are occasionally worn, but they just don’t fit the same.  I switch coffee mugs about every six months.  One will stand out and I buy it and the relationship starts.  Then, as quickly as it started it gets the boot in favor for something newer and shinier and basically just a whole lot better.  And the old coffee mug is left for the occasional house guest.

Speaking of “newer and shinier” – here’s a killer coffee mug that I’m nuts over.  The artwork is fantastic.  An astronaut and a girl zapping an octopus in the head with ray guns.  Hello!?  That’s like what I go through at work every day.  The similarities are a little disturbing.

$14 – Buy from Greener Grass Design

Art and food meet smack dab in the middle of life with this seriously nifty looking peanut butter and jelly sandwich wallet.  It’s looks amazingly real from the pictures and would bring a smile to the face of an old curmudgeon.  But stay away from the old curmudgeon if he looks hungry.  You’ll even find a place for a handkerchief.  So, if you decide to rob a liquor store you’re all set.  I mean, really, who carries a handkerchief anymore?  I guess more of us would if we had a PB&J wallet.

$10 – Buy from Spoon Sisters