Production, Not Reproduction

Roundtable Suggestions

2012-01-19T10:34:00.000-08:00

I have a new open adoption roundtable set up for next week. This next prompt was suggested by a first mom blogger (she's since shuttered her blog, else I'd link to her) and I'd love to have more community-suggested prompts. I'm sure you have some better ideas than mine!

What topics would you like to write about? Read about? You can peek at the list of prior topics for a look at what we've done in the past.

Adoption Book Tour: "Found" by Jennifer Lauck

2012-01-17T04:59:00.000-08:00

Today I am participating in an adoption book tour of Found by Jennifer Lauck, organized by Lori at The Open Adoption Examiner. Found is a companion to Ms Lauck's earlier memoirs (the acclaimed Blackbird, Still Waters, and Show Me the Way), re-telling some of the same events then continuing on through her reunion with her first mother and, more broadly, her search for wholeness, peace, and identity. It's a raw and powerful story about her memory of loss (loss piled on loss, in this case: losing her family of origin due to closed adoption, losing her adoptive family to death, losing trust and safety when she is betrayed and abused by those who are supposed to take care of her) and the many ways (Tibetian Buddhism, motherhood, reunion) she found restoration.

As part of the tour, I was sent a few questions to answer. To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.

As someone who does not have living children, I felt a little dissed by the author's assertions that being a mother brings clarity that is otherwise impossible to have. Did others read this the same way? Do you agree? Disagree?

I read it as Ms. Lauck speaking to the clarity that becoming a mother brought to her but there was such strength of conviction and language that I absolutely see how the reader who posed this question read it as a universal statement--and why that would sting.

I can only speak from my own experience. Becoming a parent was (obviously) a major event for me, one that affected nearly every part of my life in some way. Taking on "mother" as this new aspect of my identity brought about--or forced, really--all sorts of self-reflection and new insights into myself and my worldview. Those insights are unique to mothering, for me, simply because that is the catalyst that happened to bring them to me. But I don't think motherhood is the only path I could have taken to them, had my life gone a different direction. And no two people will experience parenthood in the same way, so the insights which having a child might bring to them will be different than mine.

It's akin in some ways to how adoption intersects with motherhood for me. I'm a different parent than I would have been if I'd birthed my children, I believe. Grappling with and ultimately embracing that fact that I am not my children's only mother, that there are things only their families of origin can provide for them, was a humbling and ultimately empowering experience. (And one which is definitely ongoing!) It's led me to be more attuned in my parenting and really let go of any assumptions I might have had about what our parent/child relationship would be like, instead letting us create that relationship together. I would never think to claim that I have a clarity no non-adoptive mother could have, yet for me there is a direct line between adoption and the sort of parent I'm becoming. It's always hard to tease these sorts of things apart. I think we just need to be careful to leave room for other's experiences when we talk about our own.

Assuming the loss of a first mother is extremely painful for an adoptive child, is there a way to empower or help an adoptive child heal if an open relationship with their first mother is not an option?

Speaking from an adoptive parent's perspective, I think when an actual relationship isn't possible, we still keep to the same principle of maintaining openness. In fact, even when first parents are present in a child's life, we still need to be deliberately practicing openness. Openness to listening to and talking honestly with our children about adoption. Openness to the full breadth of our children's identities, which includes respecting and affirming their origins. Openness to the many possible different paths to relationship, whether it be with extended first family, or former foster family, or simply always holding open the possibility of contact in the future. Maintaining open adoption relationships is simply another part of that continuum and, at its best, has that same spirit of openness behind it.

No matter what degree of contact we may have, I think we have to realize that ultimately our children's empowerment or healing (or whatever words they decide best fit them) is a task they will finish independent of us. Parenting means watching for times and ways our children needs us to comfort or guide, giving them language and tools to work with their emotions. But it's also giving them the room to define their adoption experience and needs for themselves as they grow up. I don't assume Eddie and Mari are unaffected by adoption, but neither do I approach them as permanently damaged. Neither would be fair to the complex, amazing people they are and are becoming. I get very mama bear protective when people are deterministic about my children, whether it's to say, "Oh, they'll be fine because they were adopted as infants/in open adoptions/are so loved/etc." or to say they are irreparably broken. I'm trying to be open to a whole range of possibilities and learn from as many different adopted adults' perspectives as I can, so I am able to engage with them as they process and integrate their adoptions in their own unique ways.

Lauck argues that "the primal wound" affects all adopted children and reunions with first parents should be encouraged in most if not all cases. How do you think Lauck's reunion with her mother helped heal her own "primal wound"?

The image that comes to mind thinking of the impact of their reunion in the book is of an unfinished circle finally being completed. As if a section of the circle had broken away and was scattered in little chunks which were put back in order and made whole again. And it wasn't just the reunion, but all of that interior work she had done through her meditation practice and reflection on motherhood prior to that point.

There was a sense of grounded-ness at the close of the book that contrasted with the rootlessness of her childhood and early adulthood. It made me think of the grounding I witness when Eddie is with his birth dad, the indescribable rightness there is when they are together. (A father-child connection the primal wound conversation too often doesn't make room for, unfortunately.) That's part of my motivation for open adoption: to enable the kids to keep those connections with their birth parents, to give them that additional resource to use as they develop their self-identities and incorporate their adoptions into their identities. Hopefully they never have to wait for a reunion to put those pieces together.

Disclosure: My copy of the book was sent to me for free by the publisher, independently this tour, with no obligations attached. Thank you to Seal Press for the opportunity!

Best of Open Adoption Blogs 2011

2012-01-10T00:01:00.000-08:00

The Best of Open Adoption Blogs list celebrates the best of online writing about openness in adoption from 2011, as selected by the blogging community. Bloggers could contribute posts they wrote as well as posts written by others. Submissions will be added to the list through January 31, so if your favorite isn't listed, be sure to add it.

The submissions are listed in the order in which they were received--no "best of the best" or rankings here.

Section I: Recognizing Our Own Writing

A modest proposal. I mean, question. by Lia of Lia - Not Juno

Christmas and Adoption by of Mandy W. of FourAgainstTwo

Family is Family by Socialwrkr24/7 of Socialwrkr24/7: Eyes Opened Wider

(my) love bites by Alissa of Not A Visitor

My Sister Lives in Texas by Dana of Life Unexpected

The Fun Side of Waiting by David of Seeking Fatherhood

What I Get to Do by Robyn C of The Chittister Family

I'm Just as Scared of You as You are of Me by Racilous of Adoption in the City

Processing Adoption: Conversation with my son (part 2) by Lori Lavender Luz of Write Mind Open Heart

Not What I Expected-Everything I Ever Wanted by Julie Corby of The Eyes of My Eyes are Opened

Dear Adoptive Parent... by Cynthia Christensen of Wife, Mother, Birth Mother, Author, Homeschooler

It's Not Easy Being Green by Monika of Monika's Musings

Open Adoption Roundtable #30: The First Time by Sheeps Eating Me of Sheeps Eating Me

Bile by Barb Sobel of Sideshow Barb

Are You an Attuned Adoptive Parent? by Rebecca Hawkes of Love Is Not a Pie

Did I Get the Call? by Cindy Rasmussen of Recipe for a Family

What Kind of Mother Gives Up Her Kids by Jenna Hatfield of The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

A Plea for Adoptive Parents by Lindsay Smith of On Loan From Heaven

Open Adoption Roundtable: Write About a First Meeting by Amber of Bumber's Bumblings

Why We're Adopting by Lindsay of Fortunes Full

Adoption Doesn't End by Heather Schade of Production, Not Reproduction

How I (Almost) Shied Away From Openness (And Not Why You Think) by Luna of Life from Here: Musings from the Edge

Birth Mothers by Amber of Life in the Last Frontier

RAD, Trauma, and Attachment by Carol Lozier of In My Child's World

The Things I Didn't Know by Danielle of Another Version of Mother

My Plan A by Whitney of On a Journey to Adopt

Birthmother, J by Tiffany of Finding K: A journal of love through infertility, cancer, and open adoption

Section II: Recognizing Great Writing by Others

Up the Duff by Susie Book of Endure for a Night
Writes Lia, "This post was insane. I've always loved Susiebook's blog and stumbled onto it when we were roughly the same amount pregnant - me with my first son, who I eventually placed, and her with her second son, who she parented after placing her first 18 months prior. I love her insights into parenting in a complicated situation--missing Cricket, loving Joey, and dealing with a less-than-ideal open adoption relationship. 'Up The Duff' was the announcement of Susie's third pregnancy (second child to be parented) and was just so goddamn INTERESTING. It's like a really well-written TV show, where the main characters know what the 'correct' thing to do is and yet somehow still manage not to do it because it's HARD. (And it IS so very very hard.) Seeing how Susie dealt with disclosing her pregnancy to her family and then to Cricket's adoptive moms was fucking fascinating and relatable, and I spilled my coffee the first time I read this post."

Goodbyes by Jenna Hatfield of The Chronicles of Munchkin Land
Writes Mandy W., "I know this was a hard moment for Jenna, but it shows how amazing an open adoption relationship can be. It can be very difficult, but it is so worthwhile for all involved. I find her to be an inspiration in how hard she works to have a relationship with her first child."

Positive Stuff about Jacket's Mom by Rebecca of Fosterhood NYC
Writes Socialwrkr24/7, "I cheated a bit as this isn't so much a post about Open Adoption--it's kind of the reverse actually. Rebecca was a foster parent to 'Jacket' for 18 months and then she returned home to her mother. Jacket's mom has some pretty serious and difficult limitations--and their relationship was NOT ideal when Jacket was in Rebecca's care. But out of Rebecca's desperation to stay involved in Jacket's life, an amazing (albeit sometimes insane) relationship has formed. Despite much self-doubt and continuous redefining of the boundaries, Rebecca's 'whatever it takes' attitude is something to be admired. Whenever I read her blog, I can't help but wonder and wish that more adoptive parents could open themselves up to what could be possible if they decided to do whatever it takes to keep their child's first parents in their lives. Its not an easy road Rebecca has chosen--but I know she will never regret it."

Oh, the Legality of it All by Thanksgivingmom of I Should Really be Working
Writes Alissa, "I love TG's willingness to call out fear in adoptive parents and the various ways we can be tempted to deal with those fears that are unfair to first parents (and by extension our children). This post is about the double standard in terms of who has legal rights to participation in a child's life and who really matters."

Unpleasant Truths by I Am of Statistically Impossible
Writes Dana, "I Am is the only birth father blog that I have come across and he writes real, raw and from the heart material. I think his perspective is crucial in trying to gain a full picture of open adoption. I think this post has great meaning and I love the question, 'Why do you want to parent?'"

The Potty Jar by Bobby of Those Two Daddies
Writes David, "Really fun, down to earth post that made me laugh and laugh."

The Future of the Adoption Tax Credit by Dawn Davenport of Creating a Family
Writes Robyn C, "It's not sexy or emotional, but the Adoption Tax Credit is not well understood. I like this post because it's informative and useful."

No One Said I *Had* To Search/Reunite by Mei-Ling of Exile of Xingnan
Nominated by AmFam

Love Is Not a Pie by Rebecca Hawkes of Love Is Not a Pie
Writes Racilous, "First, I love reading what Rebecca has to say. I think she her posts are always well thought out, respectful of all in the world of adoption, but they also challenge me to think how I approach adoption. I can honestly say that although I read many blogs of both adoptive parents and adoptees, it's not that common that I find one that I'm always excited to read, yet this blog represents both those parts of the triad and I can't wait when I see a new one in my reader.

When I was looking for a post I found more than one of Rebecca's that I truly enjoyed, but this one in particular I think is an amazing explanation of how openness can work for our kids. I honestly cannot believe it was her first blog post, but what a way to kick off a blog and show your voice to the world."

Why I Do This, Part 3 by Heather Schade of Production, Not Reproduction
Writes Lori Lavender Luz, "Heather explains why she stays up late at night building an open adoption community. 'I don't think any one of us has all the answers. I think precious few among us deserves any "adoption expert" label (I'm certainly not one of them). But all of us put together? We can be a life-changing resource for each other.' I have learned so much from the people in this sector of the blogosphere, and I'm grateful to Heather for getting us together once in awhile around her table."

Love Universal by Rebekah of Give All to Love
Writes Julie Corby, "I always hate when people say, 'All you need is love' in regards to adoption. This post talks about love and adoption in a way that I really responded to."

It Is What You Make Of It by Kelsey Stewart of A Birth Mother Voice
Writes Cynthia Christensen, "I grow consistently frustrated with the anti-adoption, haters world that is predominantly made up of people 'stuck' in their own negative thought patterns. And Kelsey is raw and honest all the time about this."

Adoption Guilt by Harriet Fancott of See Theo Run
Writes Monika, "I just plain loved this post. I love Harriet's writing anyway, and this one was so emotional and thought-provoking (if you read the post and see my comment on it, you can actually see how thought-provoking it was for me. Also, I wrote a post on my own blog inspired by this post and my comment)!"

Open Adoption Roundtable #31 by Rebecca Hawkes of Love Is Not a Pie
Writes Sheeps Eating Me, "Rebecca tackles the question of fear in open adoption by talking about the myth of the hateful birthmother monster--and she includes those who have lost their children to foster care. This is a story that is hardly ever told, but she addresses it clearly from the perspective of adoptive parents' fear in open adoption. This was something I badly needed to read at the time she wrote it, and it's haunted me since."

A Kid-Shaped Hole by Sheeps Eating Me
Writes Barb Sobel, "She understands and has always made an effort to be in contact with the birthparents for the sake of her kids. Because SHE WANTS TO. Because it's important to her. I've read this blogger for 6 years now, through various blogs and I'm so proud of her."

Long rambling post that fell out of my fingers by Tiruba Tuba of Tubaville
Writes Rebecca Hawkes, "I chose this post because it shows that adoptions can be open even when the conditions for openness are less than ideal. I also love the way the author describes her own transformation over the years. And I was touched by the simple beauty (and truth) of the the sentence 'There can never be too many people who love a child.'"

It shouldn't be this way... by Becky Fawcett of An Infertile Blonde
Writes Cindy Rasmussen, "I agree with her wholeheartedly and I am inspired that she is taking action to help other families. Bravo!"

The Only Choice by Danielle of Another Version of Mother
Writes Jenna Hatfield, "Not only is it well-written, but the more we understand about that pre-placement process that birth parents go through... the better."

Open Adoption and the Man Who Makes Mine Bearable by Lisa Anne of Living Through Today
Writes Lindsay Smith, "Lisa's perspective on open adoption has opened my eyes to the ugly side of adoptive parents not upholding their end of their agreement and promises to a birth mom... Lisa is a birth mom and I think this post sheds some light on a birth mom's heart."

Embracing Duality in Adoptive Families by Rebecca Hawkes of Love Is Not a Pie
Writes Amber, "I thought it was a beautiful example of selflessness in adoptive mother. So many times you hear how selfless the First Mom is, but you don't hear that often about Adoptive Parents. I found it inspiring and encouraging for my involvement in open adoption"

Being a Birthmom is Bittersweet by Coley of Living the Bittersweet Life
Writes Maureen Horan Benes, "This post is simple and straight to the heart of the matter. I think about it once in a while, and I can't say that for many blog posts, because I read so many!"

The Bedroom as a Metaphor for the Neglected Inner Sanctuary by Kristen of Rage Against the Minivan
Writes Lindsay, "Because I WISH my side of the bedroom was as clean as hers in the picture..."'

This Is Not An Adoption Blog, and I Am Not an Adoption Specialist by Martha Crawford of What a Shrink Thinks
Writes Heather, "A powerful post about being open, particularly as non-adopted persons, to all that we do not know. Starting from the author's personal experience, it builds to conclusions like these: 'Birth mothers, first mothers, natural mothers, adoptees, adopted persons, adult adoptees, adoptive parents, forever families, adopters – every word becomes an injury, a wounding – language itself becomes impossible and insufficient to describe all of the light and darkness, joys and sorrows, connections and disconnections, contradictions, ambivalence and dissonance. I’ve learned to think of all of the voices in the adoption community, as dissonant as they are, as part of some whole, that I can never grasp.'"

7 Points About the Birth Mom Conversations by Lori Lavender Luz of Write Mind Open Heart
Writes Luna, "Lori's moving series about discussions with her son as he processes his adoption is a rare gem. As always--but particularly with such a sensitive subject--Lori conveys her experience and sage wisdom with insight and compassion. While everyone touched by adoption could benefit from this series, I think it is a must-read for adoptive parents. (I actually love part two best, but that one is already on the list!)"

Courage by Brittany of Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal
Writes Amber, "I love how Brittany writes about the transformation of her heart from aching to be a Mother, to actually being a mother. I also love that having Brie with her at church made that day mean so much more to her. This is what open adoption is about!"

Must Read News Article by Rumor Queen of China Adopt Talk
Writes Carol, "I chose this article because it talks about how important it is for many children to find their birth family. And it gives helpful information for children from China where identifying information is scarce."

Open Adoption Roundtable #31 by Barb Sobel of Sideshow Barb
Writes Danielle, "She presented this idea that was in my head, that I had yet to form into words for one reason or another--the idea that some of my wounds (adoption wise) would always be there. And that I have to figure out there is a good chance that I will never have peace for some of the things that happened. It was a powerful moment for me, brought on by a powerful, yet simple post."

Sometimes by Kayli of Becoming Kayli
Nominated by Whitney

Why I am anti anti-open adoption: a public response to private statements by Lori of Write Mind Open Heart
Writes KatjaMichelle,"When the Best Open Adoption Blogs of 2011 list was announced I couldn't decide on how I'd ever narrow it down to just one. As I was thinking of all the great posts I'd read over the year this post (actually the first of a two parter so I'm kind of cheating but regardless read it then click through) kept returning to my mind. It took me a bit to re-find the post, but I'm glad I did. Go read Lori's words. No seriously go. read. Lori's words."

Talking more about open adoption by Wendy of Our story: A blog about open adoption
Writes Tiffany, "Because I recall wanting to learn more about the open adoption relationship and how it can work."

What Not to Say to a Birthmother by Red of One More Day
Writes Camille, "This was one of the first blogs I stumbled across when I started looking for resources to better understand a birth mother's point of view. I'd thought a lot about the stupid things people said to me as an adoptive mom, and this post helped me realize that birth moms have to deal with similar ignorance on a daily basis. I appreciate her honesty, compassion, and genuinely good advice. :) "

Opportunities

2012-01-08T15:08:00.000-08:00

Best of Open Adoption Blogs
The Best of Open Adoption Blogs 2011 arrives on Tuesday! Hooray! There are thirty-some posts on the list so far and not a single one has been nominated twice. I think that diversity is such a testament to the strength of our loose online community and the resource we are to each other.

The initial deadline was yesterday, but I'll try to squeeze in as many as I can that come in before Tuesday. And, don't forget, I'll still add submissions through the end of January even after the list is posted. So keep them coming! What did you read about open adoption in 2011 that made you pause or nod or cry or laugh?

If you're feeling shy about putting something you've written on the list, remember that you can honor someone else's post without submitting a post of your own (that goes for non-bloggers, too). But I'd also encourage you to take the risk of adding your own post. If you blog because you think you have ideas worth sharing, then this is a chance to share them beyond your site's core readers. If you blog to connect with others, then this is a potential chance to connect with someone you don't yet know. Everyone has said something worth celebrating--and that includes you.

Adoption Reading Challenge
Jenna is organizing the Adoption Reading Challenge again in 2012. I participated last year and signed up again this year. You don't need to blog or review books online or anything like that. Just commit yourself to reading 3, 6, 12 or 20 books about adoption (half fiction, half non-fiction). It was a great way to push myself to go outside my usual non-fiction, domestic adoption reads last year. There's a Goodreads group, too, where we can swap recommendations and reviews. Come join us!

Six

2012-01-05T23:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Eddie,

You settled into being six years old a few months ago now. It is, thus far, a slightly taller version of five: the same intent love for Legos; the same need to run and jump and explore; the same fierce desire to snuggle together for books at bedtime. Your blankie is still your most treasured possession.

There is also, in the last two months, a new found fascination with all things football. It is your father's fault; he got in there before I could snag you with an appreciation for something more civilized. We recently interviewed a string of potential babysitters and, after (mostly) patiently listening to them answer our boring, adult questions about things like discipline, you got to ask them your burning question: "What is your favorite football team, college and professional?"

We hired a 49ers fan. I hope you approve. At least you are quickly learning to add by 2s, 3s, 6s, and 7s.

This is the year of kindergarten, the tip of the iceberg of crumpled papers in backpacks, never-ending school concerts, and days governed by the bell. On your first day, I gave you a smooth pebble to carry in your pocket, telling you I had loaded it with kisses and all you needed to do was touch it if you were scared or lonely and needed a reminder of my love. That afternoon I stood with a crowd of other parents, anxiously holding my breath and waiting for school to end. The school was so big and that day you seemed so small. Would you leave holding back tears? Confused? Hating school and begging never to return? Then I saw you coming through the double doors, tiny amid those big kids, wide-eyed but confident. You slipped your hand into mine; as we walked down the sidewalk you looked up me with a soft smile and said, "I only needed to use my rock twice!" My heart soared like a balloon released from its weight.

Sending you to school feels like another big step in the sometimes painful, often joyful process of watching you slowly grow ever more independent. Inevitably more and more of your day will happen away from my eyes. Already I feel out of touch with your social scene in a way I never was before this, gleaning whatever I can about your friendships from the snippets you tell me after school. It's different, but not sad. There is something right about watching you branch out, bright and sure of yourself. Because that's the point of this parenting gig, right? Somehow we hope to help you feel so deeply rooted and loved here that you are able to go out confidently on your own.

Each weekday as we leave for the walk to school, I speak a blessing over you, our own private ritual for transitioning into that part of the day. I love the final lines: "May he bring you home rejoicing at the wonders he has shown you. May he bring you home rejoicing once again into our doors." They capture the heart of what parenting is for me right now, what it will be throughout our lives together--that opening of the arms to send you out in the world and the joyful opening of the arms to welcome you home.

Love,
Mama

New OAB Blogs - December 2011

2012-01-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

The open adoption blogs list grows every month and sometimes additions get lost among all the awesomeness. Hopefully these monthly round-ups of the new blogs from the month will help folks connect.

Here are the blogs added in December:

ADULT ADOPTEES
Stretched: One family's story of foster care and adoption

FIRST PARENTS
Idiot girls life post adoption: I am a birthmother just trying to find a way to continue life after losing the one that matters most in this world to me. Not all posts are about adoption but they are all true stories based on my life as I try to move forward.

ADOPTIVE PARENTS
Karen's Adoption Journey: My adoption journey with T, who was adopted internationally, and whose first family we retain a relationship with as best one can from 7,000 miles away -- made even more difficult when there is no postal system in his country and no electricity in his extremely remote village which is not accessible by car and no one in his family is literate -- and other stuff along the way.

Stretched: One family's story of foster care and adoption

A Concrete Way of Love: Matt, Mikki, Mary, and Luke. Matt and Mikki married in 2005, and are the proud adoptive parents of Mary, our precious girl, and Luke, a beautiful little boy born with Prader-Willi Syndrome. This blog chronicles our lives and adventures as a "forever family".

PRE-ADOPTIVE PARENTS
Our New Normal: Our journey through preeclampsia, pregnancy loss and domestic adoption

Seriously?!: My journey through RPL to Domestic Adoption. Currently 'waiting' for that call.

Jake & Stephanie: Jake and I have been together for over 5 years and are hoping for the miracle of adoption. This blog is to get to know the real us and to communicate with you as we help each other along on this amazing journey.

Roztime: Inclusive fostering to open adoption (currently in the fostering stage), of 3 kids aged 2-8.

The Top Ten of 2011

2011-12-31T17:11:00.000-08:00

It's time to look back at the ten most popular posts from 2011. I left out Open Adoption Bloggers projects (roundtable prompts, blogger interviews, interview project, etc.), since people visit those posts for the sake of finding writing by someone other than me!

1. So You Want to Throw a Lego Party - The most popular post this year--by order of magnitude--had nothing to do with adoption or my life. It was all about Eddie's Lego-themed birthday party. Maybe I should scrap this adoption stuff and do a lifestyle blog? Or at least write up the nature-themed birthday party we did this fall?

"My personal rules for young kid parties are: keep it small (you get to invite as many friends as you are old, so Eddie invited five), inexpensive, and busy. Keep those shorties occupied!"

2. It Came in a Rush - I revisited the day we learned about Eddie's little brother and his adoption.

"'You know she had another one?' It was tossed out my direction by Kelly's mother as she and Kelly's father prepared to leave our home last fall, more of a statement than a question."

3. A Question for You: Talking Agencies - A great discussion in the comments about whether and why we name names--or not--when talking online about adoption professionals.

"I say over and again that finding a high-quality, ethical, experienced agency is essential. And bloggers writing openly about their agency experiences would be a great way to circulate that first-hand information to help people make informed decisions. In the context of a blog, you have a better sense of the writer's values and principles and can measure them against your own. It would get the word out, for better or worse, about smaller regional agencies that tend to get overshadowed in search results by the bigger agencies. Yet I know I'm not contributing to the conversation, because I've never named the agencies we've used outright."

4. Answering Two Questions About Open Adoption - Trying to answer some sincere questions about what open adoption is really like posed by someone who hadn't experienced it first hand.

"Even if the adoptions were completely closed, their first parents would still exist. My children were born to one set of parents and are being raised by another. There are and will be layers to their emotions about that. That part is adoption, not open adoption. Open adoption makes tangible what is true; it turns existence into presence. If anything, at this young age, I think knowing their first families as real people has hastened their understanding of adoption."

5. Shared Sight - A sweet moment from a weekend visit with Mari's first mom that I wanted to try to capture.

"This is the unique possibility of open adoption, at least one manifestation of it: that we had the joy of being with someone who enjoys this little girl just as much. Someone who sees her through the same adoring eyes."

6. Our Day with Ray - Another sweet open adoption moment from a windy summer day spent with Eddie's first dad at the beach while we were on vacation. It's more difficult denouement was recorded here.

"I watched them for a long time like that, Eddie between his two fathers, finding his comfort and happiness in the space between them as he needed it. Contained in that moment, it felt simple. Relaxed. Right."

7. I'm Thinking of You - My annual Mother's Day message. I wish this post weren't popular, because I know all to well the sadness that makes it resonate for people and want to pass it along to their friends (a lot of the visits were from Facebook).

"And I spent enough time on the outside of both--and have enough people I care about still there--to not be convinced that the sadness the days bring up for so many is really worth it when it's all said and done."

8. Anyone But You - Another post in which I inflict my inner processing about Eddie's brother on you! Between taking in the news that he existed, talking about it with Eddie in different ways over the course of the year, finally speaking openly with Kelly about him this summer, then reaching out to his adoptive parents and meeting them this fall, it's been on my mind a lot this past year. Thank you for listening.

"And that is what tears me up inside when I think about BabyBrother's adoption, what I'm still searching for a way to process: that if I had done something differently, said something differently, been someone different during the five years we knew Kelly before BabyBrother was born, that Eddie would have one of his biological siblings here with him, a brother in more ways than one. But she didn't want him with us."

9. Expanding the Family - Answering that perennial question about whether or not we'd like to have a third child. I'm guessing we'll be answering this one until (a) our family grows to five or (b) the two we have finally leave for college.

"The truth? If adoption were just about what Todd and I wanted, I would love to adopt another child. Like, yesterday. But it's not all about us and adopting isn't a neutral act, so we're stuck between a whole lot of conflicting values and logistics."

10. Why I Do This - In the middle of NaBloPoMo I start to piece toghether why it means so much to me to invest time in online relationships and projects.

"I wonder myself sometimes if I'll look back and wish I had chosen differently."

Review: The Magic Room

2011-12-29T22:29:00.000-08:00

My mama's dress

I suppose I should confess upfront that I've never been shopping for a wedding dress. I had always liked my mother's wedding gown, so when Todd and I got engaged and it turned out that her dress fit me, I considered that item easily crossed off my planning list. (My mother and I both, in turn, would have killed to wear my grandmother's stunning 1940s wedding dress. But she, ever the practical WWII-era bride, cut it off soon after the wedding and gave it a second life a cocktail dress. Darn frugality.)

The latest read in the BlogHer Book Club is The Magic Room by Jeffrey Zaslow. The "magic" mirror-lined room of the title, where brides go to pose in potential dresses, is found upstairs at family-owned Becker's Bridal in tiny Fowler, Michigan. Zaslow alternates the story of four generations of Becker family store workers (this was the most interesting part, for me) with profiles of recent brides who visited the store.

Prior to reading, I wondered if my lack of wedding dress shopping experience might make it hard for me to connect with the book. But in the end it was the author himself who was the stumbling block. I never got past his disdain for women who had sex or even (gasp!) children prior to marriage (They shouldn't wear white? Are you kidding me?); his near-fetishization of four sisters who chose not to kiss anyone until engaged or married; his unexamined fondness for a "traditional" past in which daughters deferred to their parents and people stayed married, no matter how awful those marriages were. Nor could I get past the total lack of acknowledgement of the women who were glaringly absent: no bride (or family member, for that matter) is gay in this book, nor (from what I could tell from the pictures) are there any people of color.

In his opening, Zaslow said that he wanted to write about love between parents and daughters. A look at societal changes in various individuals' and families' attitudes around marriage could have been an interesting way to go about that. Instead, the book struck me as judgmental and shallow, celebrating only a narrow set of values and experiences.

Disclosure: This post is compensated as part of the BlogHer Book Club. I got $20 and a book--whoo!

Open Adoption Roundtable #33

2011-12-28T23:03:00.000-08:00

A straightforward prompt for the end of the year:

What did you learn about open adoption in 2011?

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

***

Excerpts from the responses (so far):

Kate (adoptive mom) in the comments section: "Finally, I realized that I love my daughter's birthparents. Not 'love them 'cause they made me a mom', not 'love them 'cause they're my daughter's birthparents', but actually love these two people for the human beings they are. Huge to realize this. I think it's the essence of family - love without a reason for loving."

Sparklejenna (adoptive mom): "This sums up another thing I have learned through the process of open adoption, and that is that our children don't belong to us, no matter how they come in to our lives. They are these amazing little beings of the universe and we are just lucky to have the opportunity to be a part of their unfolding."

Debbie (first mom) @ Complicated Debbie: "I've learned that my heart is capable of breaking daily over the same things."

Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City: "I think from all the stories I’ve heard this year, all the people I’ve met, I have opened my mind to the far reaches of what adoption can look like. And I am finding a way to not only understand that different isn’t bad, but I have learned that those who may approach things differently than me can teach me a lot if I only open my eyes and pay attention."

Elizabeth (pre-adoptive parent) @ Happy Adoption Story: "This adoption process is going to make me a better person. It already has. I have, in the past, allowed my own insecurities, my tendency to be overly-sensitive, and just plain hurt feelings, make me angry at others. I am quickly realizing that there really isn't going to be much room for that when it comes to this adoption."

Katie (pre-adoptive parent) @ Removing Roadblocks: "This is a big one-I want to spend time with our child's birthmother and her son. They are super-fun to be around and easy to get along with."

Lynn @ (adoptive mom) Open Hearts Open Minds: This year, I learned that relationships in an open adoption, as with any type of relationship, are fluid and evolving.

I am (first dad) @ Statistically Impossible: "I don't have it all worked out. I don't know where this adoption process is going. And I'm not afraid. That's just how relationships go. We never know where they're headed, and in truth, I think I'm glad of that."

Robyn (adoptive mom) @ The Chittister Family: "So, what did I learn about open adoption in 2011? I guess I learned more about what open adoption is like through other people’s eyes."

K (first mom) @ 100 Letters to You: "I hadn't really realized just how much my relationship with O's parents had changed until I started reading through the emails we sent just prior and right after O's birth. We were EXTREMELY close at the time. And now, well, we're just not. But it's a good change for us, and I think we're both pretty comfortable with where we are."

Amy (first mom) @ Ramblings from Real Life: "I learned that open adoption never gets any easier when it comes to emotions. I think that in the past almost eight years I have learned what my emotional triggers are, but there are some that will always pop up that I am not aware of."

MommySquared (adoptive mom) @ Our journey to parenthood and the years that follow: "Also, we did learn never, never close the door on a relationship! We kept that door open never closing it for the possibility of meeting up with our older daughter's birth father...and this summer we reconnected in person spending the day with him, his wife and his daughter during our family visit to Minnesota where he lives and our daughter was born."

Monika (first mom) @ Monika's Musings: "But I learned there is more power in me than I thought. I did more letting go this year in my relationship with my daughter & her parents. This is not to say that I'm abandoning the relationship. However, I'm worrying just a little bit less that the investing I've done in the relationship will be for naught."

Kelly (adoptive mom) @ Making Monkey Soup: "We still haven’t come to a place where we have decided one way or another to open our adoption, but I know that I have people out there who can be a resource for us, and a support group of other parents who have been successful in opening what had been closed foster care adoptions. Just learning that there are families out there who have been able to make an open adoption happen, when the social workers have stated they thought it would be better to keep things closed, makes me feel that my gut feelings about opening our adoption up could work."

Jenna (first mom) @ The Chronicles of Munchkin Land: "But it comes down to this: I won’t apologize for my family. I won’t change how we do things just to make you feel better. I won’t quit doing what I’m doing just so you feel better about the path your life journey has taken."

KatjaMichelle (first mom) @ Therapy is Expensive: "Lesson 2: I have a voice and I need to use it."

Venessa (adoptive mom) @ A Journey of Love: "I am so thankful for that we still have a relationship with the birth mom and birth father. I want them to continue to be part of our daughters story. So no matter what, I will do what I can to make this relationship work. Many people dont agree with me or my husband on this but again, it is our adoption and only we know what is best for us in this situation."

Barb Sobel (first mom) @ Sideshow Barb: "Finally, at 38, I discovered that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. My Jr High math teacher would be proud. Aristotle, too. And my therapist."

DrSpouse (pre-adoptive parent) @ What am I?: "It is possible to be too open - I had a very early lesson in how even seemingly innocuous information can be misinterpreted."

Karen (adoptive mom) @ Karen's Adoption Journey: "Seeing those photos, I realized with a clarity that had escaped me prior to that moment that we did not leave his family behind in Ethiopia. Despite the hardships of distance and communication, we are not two separate families, but rather one large one, joined by our love for one little boy."

Danielle (first mom) @ Another Version of Mother: "I will always be a 'birthmother'. I cannot take back anything that happened to me almost a decade ago. A thought that both comforts me and renders me feeling so helpless that I wish I could crawl into bed and sleep forever."

Amber (adoptive mom) and Ashley (first mom) @ Bumber's Bumblings: "I've been thinking about where to go with this topic for a few days and when Ashley, B's birth mom came for a visit today, it popped into my head. I know you have so enjoyed hearing from her in the few blogs she has written or participated with me on. I randomly asked her the question above today."

Cat (adoptive mom) @ Cat's Litterbox: "If you would have asked me a year ago, if I thought our relationship with his side of our family would be what it is, I would have said no. I didn't think it was possible... but I was also basing my opinions on the way L acted in May and June. She was upset and scared and lashed out and I'm just thankful that we were all able to get past that."

Geochick (adoptive mom) @ An Engineer Becomes a Mom: "It’s up to the adoptive parents to do the heavy lifting. First-parents get the short end of the stick when it comes to adoption. They are often written off as horrible people, after all who would give away their baby? The horrors! That’s not true, but if you’re hearing from home, from your friends, from society in general to forget about the baby and move on, wouldn’t you feel tentative about initiating conversations with the adoptive parents? It’s up to the adoptive parents to reach out and indicate that contact is welcome. "

Kristin (adoptive mom) @ Parenthood Path: "The fact is, D does have two mothers, two mommies. But this was a new test, and I found that sometimes my heart (and insecurities?) makes it a challenge to practice what I preach. That was something important that I learned about my open adoption in 2011."

Meghann (adoptive mom) @ Everyday Miracles: "In 2011 I learned that our everyday life has very little to do with open adoption and is, at the same time, imbued with it. The things we do—going to the library, feeding the ducks at the park, grocery shopping, playing, cooking, reading together, eating, bathing, breathing, sleeping…—none of these has the least to do with adoption. But if it weren’t for adoption, we wouldn’t have anyone to do them with. That realization is constant, even though I am not constantly—consciously—thinking about adoption."

Momo Meg (adoptive mom) @ Momosapien: "I’ve pushed myself to be very clear in my communication with LB’s mom, and to communicate even things that feel challenging to me. As our contact has ebbed and flowed this year, I’ve also given myself a chance to notice those patterns and recognize that they likely have more to do with the cycles in our lives than with anything we have or haven’t done. I’ve attempted to be more present and authentic when we interact, instead of being overwhelmed and nervous."

Camille (adoptive mom) @ Embracing the Odyssey: "Your feelings as an adoptive parent aren’t so important when compared with what is best for your child. And so I know this may offend some folks, but it’s important enough to risk ridicule. I’ve got to say, I don’t understand the people I’ve met who are actively seeking closed adoptions when so much evidence (blogs, testimonials, research studies, etc.) points to the benefits of open relationships."

Coley (first mom) @ Living the Bittersweet Life: "I have learned that the time I have spent cultivating a relationship with Charlie before he was old enough to even reciprocate it was not in vain. He is well aware of who I am and our bond. I now think that had I not invested time and energy into our relationship from the very beginning he might not be as comfortable with me as he is."

Ginnie (first mom) @ Momma's Word Soup: "When we left that lunch I felt like that big weight with "Less Than" stamped on it had been magically lifted from me. I am not Less Than anyone. I am actually More Than many people. I may even be More Than Baby Girl's APs in some ways."

Announcing Best of Open Adoption Blogs 2011

2011-12-27T12:54:00.000-08:00

The last week of December is always a little quiet on the internet. Folks take time off to catch their breath after the holidays. Sites publish all sorts of "best of" lists for everything from movies to toys. Bloggers look back over the year and sum up a year's worth of writing. Over at Stirrup Queens, Melissa Ford even puts together a "Creme de la Creme" list of infertility bloggers' favorite posts from the year (watch for it on January 1).

I thought it could be fun to work together on a "best of" compilation for open adoption writing for 2011. Put our minds together to collect our most powerful, intriguing, moving, thought-provoking, or just plain well-written pieces about open adoption from the year in one place.

So, without further ado, I announce the (hopefully) first annual Best of Open Adoption Blogs list for 2011!

This is a spread-the-love exercise. In order to submit one of your own posts from 2011 (don't be shy--every blogger has something worth submitting), you need to also nominate a post written by someone else. Most of us are here online because we've been affected by others' writing. This is a chance to pat another writer on the back and tell them how much we appreciate them sharing their lives and thoughts with us. If you don't blog yourself, that's fine. You can still submit something written by someone else.

Use the online form to make your submissions. The list will go up in two weeks, on January 10. I'll continue to add submissions through January 31; in order to have your items included on January 10, be sure to submit them by January 7.

Now, to anticipate some questions:

How do I submit items?

Just fill out the submission form. Feel free to contact me with any questions.

What are the deadlines?

The list will go live on January 10. Anything submitted by January 7 will be included when the list is published on January 10. The form will stay open through January 31 and I'll add items as they come in. So, in short: January 7 is the initial deadline, January 31 is the final deadline.

How many pieces can I submit?

Just one written by you and one written by someone else from 2011. I know it's hard to pick just one piece out of the entire year, but give it your best shot. What this year moved you, got you thinking, or simply floored you with lovely writing?

I don't have a blog or I don't want to submit one of my own posts. Can I still nominate someone else's writing?

Of course! Just enter "N/A" on the form wherever it asks for information about your blog.

Can I submit one of my own posts without nominating someone else?

Sorry, no. We're celebrating our own excellent writing and spreading the love to others. This is an opportunity to point others to writers they may not have discovered yet.

I'd like to nominate an essay about open adoption that I read on the New York Times website. Is that okay?

Sure! It can be any sort of online writing: something written for a magazine, newspaper, commercial website, or someone's personal blog. It just needs to be (a) available to link to in full online, (b) about open adoption in some way, and (c) originally published between January 1 and December 31, 2011.

Is the list judged or will everyone be included?

This is a come one, come all affair--the more the merrier. No voting or panel of judges. I reserve the right to not include an item if I suspect someone isn't honoring the spirit of the project, but I really doubt I'll need to do that.

So look back through those archives for the year and pick out your favorite posts--one written by you and one written by someone else. No matter how big or small the list turns out to be this year, I'm excited to see what wonderful-ness is on it.

Christmas Wishes

2011-12-25T08:00:00.000-08:00

To those who are celebrating Christmas today, may your time be marked by the simplicity of his birth and the magnitude of his purpose.

To everyone who reads here, whether it's a day of celebration or not for you, may you know peace and joy--today and every day. I am so very, very grateful for you.

Photo credit: fras1977 under Creative Common license

Wordless Wednesday: Since I Don't Have Your Address

2011-12-21T14:15:00.000-08:00

Enter password to view your special-as-a-precious-snowflake holiday greeting

Christmas with the Preschooler

2011-12-20T16:38:00.000-08:00

Eddie is very into gift giving this Christmas. Very. He sat down a few weeks ago and made a careful list of everyone he wanted to give gifts to, then had me take him around shopping. When we got together with my family last night for a little early Christmas celebration with my brother and sister-in-law he excitedly brought over all the presents we had for them to open before he even remembered they would have things for him, too. It's a nice change from a couple of years ago, when toddler Eddie saw Christmas as little more than an orgy of presents, all for him, him, him!

Mari isn't quite there yet. She's old enough to start experiencing the joy of giving, but if allowed to make her own selections she'd pick out baby dolls for everyone and be done with it. Surely everyone wants a baby doll, right? So her gift process this year looked something more like this: right before ordering a pair of slippers for Todd, I showed them to her and asked if she'd like to give them to Daddy as her Christmas present. "Sure!" she agreed. Rinse and repeat for everyone else in our family.

The Mari plan has its flaws. The other day Todd conspiratorially called her over to the laptop and showed her something on the screen. "Do you want to give these to Mama for Christmas?" he asked.

"Oh, Daddy!" she cried out happily. "That's what I got for you!"

Anticipated Memories

2011-12-19T12:57:00.000-08:00

In a few days, we'll head out to the train station to pick up Mari's first mom, Beth. We will exchange gifts, see some pretty holiday light displays, have dinner with my parents.

Later that evening we'll pile onto the big couch in the family room and pop Elf in the DVD player. It's one of the Christmas movie greats, in my mind, with Buddy's unabashed certainty that he has a place both with the family into which he was born and the family in which he was raised.

This will be the third year we've done this little Christmas visit routine. It would be the fourth, had we not gotten snowed in on Mari's first Christmas. The familiarity of it, the feeling that we don't even have to plan it each year but rather just pick a date, makes me happy. And my favorite part of all is watching the movie together, comfortable and cozy and a little bit sleepy from a day of holiday fun. When we called Beth this year to iron out arrival times and such, she brought it up, too. "Oh, Elf! It's one of my favorite movies. I can't wait to watch it again with you guys."

I think of traditions as memories anticipated. I like that we're creating traditions with Beth, as simple as they are; memories that will be part of what Mari and Eddie's childhood.

Read other adoption bloggers' holiday memories at the latest open adoption roundtable

Open Adoption Roundtable #32

2011-12-14T11:55:00.000-08:00

This topic is becoming something of an annual December tradition for the Open Adoption Bloggers! Last year we wrote about how open adoption intersects with our holiday traditions. Two years ago we wrote in general about open adoption and the holiday season.

This time we are going to focus in on one specific memory and record another small moment in the ongoing stories of adoption in our lives. Share a holiday memory that involves open adoption.

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

***

Cindy (first mom) in comments shares how social media lets her witness her son's celebrations.

Amber (adoptive mom) @ Bumber's Bumblings writes about how meaningful it is to be included in one of her son's first family's annual traditions.

I Was Anne (adoptive mom) @ Tears of/and Joy recalls a poignant Christmas gift to her daughter from her first mom.

Cat (adoptive mom) @ Cat's Litterbox writes about making holiday gifts with her son for his birth families.

Debbie (adoptive and foster mom) @ Always and Forever Family talks about using Skype to open gifts "in person" and spending the holidays with her foster daughters' family.

Venessa (adoptive mom) @ A Journey of Love writes about picking out a gift for her daughter's first parents during this first year of the adoption.

Robyn (adoptive mom) @ The Chittister Family worries about the crises that hit her son's first family during this time of the year.

Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City writes about her shifting thoughts about connecting her son with the holiday traditions from her childhood.

Amy (pre-adoptive parent) @ Jim and Amy Hoping to Adopt takes a moment to imagine what could be in future Christmases.

Momo Meg (adoptive mom) @ Momosapien recalls the bittersweetness of her first Christmas with her daughter, grappling with the emotional and physical distance from her first mom alongside her joy.

Jenna (first mom) @ The Chronicles of Munchkin Land looks back to the fear and hope of the first Christmas after placing her daughter.

Sonya (adoptive mom) @ The Dobbins Boys celebrates the mutual warmth and acceptance in the Christmas celebrations with her son's birth family.

Heather (adoptive mom) @ Production, Not Reproduction appreciates the comfort of familiar holiday rituals with her daughter's first mom.

Prabha (adoptive mom) @ Baby Steps to a Baby Dream reflects on the tiny shifts each year in her relationship with her daughters' first mom, dreaming of what could be in Christmases to come.

Tiffany (adoptive mom) @ Finding K shares how her new daughter's adoption represents hope and perseverance to her during this holiday season.

A Life Being Lived (first mom) @ Carrying a Cat by the Tail talks about the gift tradition she's started that will last throughout the years.

Gstf344 (adoptive mom) @ Heart Full of Love remembers a moment from her son's Christmas birth that is particularly special to her.

Another One for the Toolbox

2011-12-12T16:31:00.000-08:00

I picked up this retort from a co-worker of mine last week and am pocketing it away for future use. Thought some of you might appreciate it as well.

Someone dropped that dreaded phrase, "I'm not a racist, but [insert racially loaded statement here]," and he came right back with, "Hm, I wonder someone who was racist would think about that?"

Marking Her Territory

2011-12-06T19:10:00.000-08:00

Marian's aunt--Todd's sister--is an artist with a penchant for thought-provoking installations and performance pieces in public spaces. I can only think Mari hopes to follow in her aunt's footsteps. She is in a streak of coloring on anything and everything, at every opportunity, clearly in an effort to remove the barriers between artwork and its audience by forcing an interaction within the context of the everyday experience.

Either that, or she is being a pesky three-year old. I prefer to think of her as an artist-in-training.

If a pen, pencil, crayon, or marker is on the loose and Mari goes silent, you can bet that you'll soon find something in the house all marked up. A partial list of things on which Marian has colored...in the last week:

Todd's guitar
Stair wall
Bathroom counter
Our bed sheets
Her bed sheets
Her bed
Preschool sign-in sheet
Preschool tables
Her medical forms
Eddie's bedroom door
Eddie's book
My bras
Family room cabinets
Herself
Her brother
The barrels of the markers themselves

She is in coloring lockdown, meaning she is only allowed to use writing implements with adult supervision. If you've ever tried to hide away every pen and pencil in a preschooler's life, however, you'll know how futile an effort it is.

In a similar (although much less destructive) streak with Eddie when he was little I sappily announced that love is slowly losing control of your tidy house and not minding one bit. As tired as I am of wiping marker off the wall, and as much as I'm looking forward to Mari eventually making better choices in this arena, there is still a part of me that wouldn't trade this for anything.

New OAB Blogs - November 2011

2011-11-30T23:50:00.000-08:00

The open adoption blogs list grows every month and sometimes additions get lost among all the awesomeness. Hopefully these monthly round-ups of the new blogs from the month will help folks connect.

Here are the blogs added in November:

FIRST PARENTS
Living Through Today: Some days are good days. And some days you just have to live through. This is my journey through life as a birthmother.

Emotions of Adoption: This blog is for me to express how I feel and my thoughts of being a blind birth mother. Questions and comments are welcome.

ADOPTIVE PARENTS
Mandy Gets a (simple) Life: I am an adoptive mommy of 2, both from open adoptions.

Our Journey to New Heits: We are learning the art of parenting (God’s way), coupled with mastering the dance of open adoption. It’s exciting. It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. It’s fulfilling. It’s real. It’s raw. It’s as God designed for our family. And it’s all right here.

Momosapien: Musings about my life as one of two white adoptive parents to a biracial daughter through transracial, domestic, open adoption. Documenting the life and times of this queer family.

Elizabethtown: I write about life with a biological son and an adoptive daughter--from dealing with poop to learning how to respond to folks who stare at our multi-ethnic family. I'm an adoption and orphan care advocate and really like comfortable shoes.

A Tale of These Four: We are parents to two of the most beautiful children through adoption. Both are open adoptions.

JessieJingles: Adoptive Mom shares happenings in our household. We have an open adoption with our eldest child's birth family. We are navigating our way into that relationship and life as a family.

Start Spreading the News...: We are so excited and ready to adopt a little bundle of joy, and are anxiously awaiting to witness our sweet little guys face to finally hold his baby brother or sister!

The Whine and Cheese Life: Reflections on parenthood, adoption and life with a preschooler.

Dearest Jessica: A blog about a family growing together though adoption from the foster care system. We cover regular parenting issues, attachment challenges, special needs children and the fun of everyday life!

One Urban Nest: The ongoing life chronicles of one queer family cohabiting in an urban nest. This family of five is led by two matriarchs, Gus and Otto. Our house is shared by three kidlets: an older sibling pair we adopted through a public, domestic adoption, and a wee baby conceived and born at home.

Finding K - A journey of love through infertility, cancer and open adoption: I am a 30-something woman living in SoCal who has faced infertility and ovarian cancer which eventually exposed me to the amazing world of open adoption. This is my personal story of faith and strength that led me to my newborn daughter, K, and the angelic birth parents who united our family.

Our Unconventional Oven: Follow us on our journey through open private adoption and foster care adoption.

PRE-ADOPTIVE PARENTS
Fearlessly Infertile: We're a military family that is pursuing domestic infant adoption. We're homestudy approved and less than a month away from going active with our agency.

Fortunes Full: My name is Lindsay and I'm a mom to two year old W, a wife and a mom-in-waiting to an open, domestic adoption. We're waiting to be chosen by a birth mother and documenting the process and emotions involved.

Ellen + Shelley's Adoption Adventure: Hi! You know that old adage "Opposites Attract"? Well, we are pretty much living proof of that. But despite our differences, we share many common beliefs and goals, one of which is our desire to grow our family through open adoption. So this is our story; a little bit nerdy, a little bit witty, probably a little bit angsty, but always full of love...

Happy Adoption Story: We are a happy, fun-loving family of 3 hoping to soon be a family of 4! I am writing this blog to document our adoption journey from the very beginning, and also to get the word out about our adoption plans.

Seeking Fatherhood: Two wanna-be dads' eye-opening, maddening, thrilling adventures in the foster care/adoption system in California.

Just Let Go: This blog chronicles our journey from recurrent pregnancy loss to domestic infant adoption. I rant, I rave, some people think I'm funny ;)

All I am Going To Say About That

2011-11-29T12:01:00.001-08:00

Normally my wish (hope? want? desire?) for a third child is like winter rainfall in here in the Northwest: ever-present, occasionally annoying, mostly just a forgettable part of the background.

Lately it has been like a hurricane.

You Cannot Be Valedictorian of Everything

2011-11-28T22:30:00.001-08:00

I'm traveling for work this week (hello, Los Angeles sunshine!). It means full days and missing home, but also stretching out in a quiet hotel bed with a novel at hand and no laundry or dishes waiting to be washed.

The thought of cracking open my laptop right now makes me cringe. (I am tip-tapping this out on my iPod; NaBloPoMo compels me.)

I had my roughly annual breakdown the other night, ugly crying into my pillow, exhausted by the responsibilities I carry right now, certain I am failing at all of them, fearful that the only value I have is in being found competent by others.

In the light of day I don't know if I better see reality or just better ignore it.

Three Beautiful Things #24

2011-11-27T21:00:00.000-08:00

Another Sunday means another three beautiful things post, winter-is-arriving edition:

Peanut butter toast. Enough said.
My happy mittens:
The arrival of Advent, with its rituals and scents and sights, that annual reminder that no matter how deep seems the darkness, how complete seems the silence, there is still yet hope.

What are you finding beautiful today?

In the Window

2011-11-26T21:17:00.000-08:00

A little over one year ago, Eddie sat in the bay window of our front room, blinking into the sunlight as he waited and watched for his little sister (Kelly's daughter) and her (or, rather, their) grandparents to arrive.

"I have two sisters and you only have one brother!" he told Mari that morning.

By the next day I was kneeling before him to tell him he actually had two sisters and one brother, feeling his weight as he clung to my neck and thought about that new fact.

This morning he climbed into the bay window again. This time he waited for that little baby brother to come to our house, to play with our toys, clamber over his adoptive parents' laps, and laugh in the sunlight.

BabyBrother and his family were in our home--in our lives--in a real and wonderful way today. My heart is overflowing.

Anyone But You

2011-11-25T22:15:00.000-08:00

There was an open adoption roundtable last year that asked what you don't want shared in your open adoption relationships. I started a response but never published it. In a nutshell, it said that there's not much I wouldn't want shared with me if it were shared honestly. If folks were willing to trust me with something, I would want to hear it. We all know that a relationship in which everyone just pretends everything is peachy keen is about as deep as a rain puddle, which is not what I want for our open adoptions.

Everything that is, except for this one thing.

I didn't ever want to know that one of the kids' first parents regretted placing their child with us. Us specifically, not adoption in general--not that they wished they hadn't placed their child at all, but that they wished they had chosen different adoptive parents. If Beth, Ray, or Kelly feel that way, they have every right to their feelings, I just want to live in ignorance. If there are issues to raise with me, raise them; specific things I could change, by all means let me know. But if deep down you feel that you picked the completely wrong parents for your child and nothing will ever change that, I hope I never know. It's hard to imagine any good coming out of knowing; I wouldn't know where to take a relationship from there.

Four months after that roundtable and the post I never published, we learned that Eddie had a little brother whom Kelly placed for adoption. And it felt like I was indirectly being told the thing I hoped never to hear.

I didn't know then, and still don't know now (nor do I think she has any obligation to tell me, to be clear) why she didn't ask us to raise BabyBrother. In my head I know there could be any number of reasons. But the deep, tender (and self-centered) part of me read it only as rejection of me and her decision to entrust Eddie to us in the first place. Because it is not that Kelly would never place another child for adoption, it's that she apparently did not want him adopted by us. She got her chance for a do-over and picked better this time around.

And that is what tears me up inside when I think about BabyBrother's adoption, what I'm still searching for a way to process: that if I had done something differently, said something differently, been someone different during the five years we knew Kelly before BabyBrother was born, that Eddie would have one of his biological siblings here with him, a brother in more ways than one. But she didn't want him with us.

There are very few true failures I feel I've had in my life, failures that couldn't somehow be at least partially made right. But this is one of them. And I've been astounded by how deeply it's shaken me.

(Again, I want to make it clear that my feelings are my own and I don't hold Kelly in any way responsible for them. Nor am I questioning the decisions she made around BabyBrother, which she had every right to make completely independent from our family. This is about my emotional reaction to the adoption, which hit me intensely and has not lessened over time. This is me trying to understand it and process it for myself so that it doesn't affect my long-term relationship with my son's first mother. I owe it to Eddie to have the healthiest relationship I can with Kelly and this is work I need to do on my side in order to have that.)

The Simple Things

2011-11-24T23:56:00.000-08:00

One of the nice things about having a six year old is that you've had enough years to turn repetition into tradition. This Thanksgiving morning the kids woke up all excited, knowing there were pumpkin cinnamon rolls baking and soon we'd sit around the table, gobbling down rolls and making our big thankfulness poster. This year we drew a row of handprint turkeys across the bottom and filled the rest with all sorts of people and things for which we're grateful.

This probably crosses into only-the-parents-find-it-amusing-please-put-away-that-seventieth-picture-of-the-baby territory, but I wanted to capture some of what Eddie and Marian contributed. I love hearing about the tiny things that make them happy.

Building Legos
Gourds
Blankie
My stuffed animals
Rubber bands
Chairs and rugs
Fire
Nativity set
My pants
Rice
Toy story undies
Target
Lollipops
Library
Outside
Glue
A blue sweatshirt
Colors

Whether this was Thanksgiving for you or just another Thursday, I hope there was something that made you happy in it. Your pants, perhaps? Gourds? Rubber bands?

Wordless Wednesday: Thanksgiving Eve

2011-11-23T20:59:00.001-08:00

(I'd give a credit, but it's bounced around the Internet so many times I haven't the foggiest idea where it originated)