Production, Not Reproduction

What I Want to Say to You on Mother's Day

2012-05-08T21:05:00.001-07:00

This post is becoming something of an annual tradition here at the blog; I cannot think of anything I want to say more as May comes around this each year. May has not been an easy month for me for many years now.

I mostly feel the same about Mother's Day as I do about Valentine's Day. I enjoy the private celebrations letting the people I love know how valued they are. I dislike the shallow, frequently sexist, commercialized public commotion that typically only serves to make those on the "outside" feel bad. My time on the outside looking in on those holidays was recent enough that I well remember how awful it can be.

If only there were a way to celebrate our relationships without also dredging up people's regrets, losses or unfulfilled dreams. If you're still waiting and hoping and yearning; if you're not the one raising your child; if you have lost a child or a pregnancy; if the day reminds you of a broken relationship or someone you're missing, I wish for you peace in the present and hope for the future. You are no less valuable, no less worthy of respect and admiration than the people who will be noticed on Sunday. Happy Mother's Day to each of you.

Read what other open adoption bloggers would like to say to you on this Mother's Day at the Open Adoption Bloggers roundtable

Another Day

2012-05-07T16:31:00.000-07:00

Um. Hello, there. Anyone home?

I am sorry to disappear on you like I have, sorry for the unanswered emails and glaring lack of response around the interwebs.

I think about writing every day, with a mixture of guilt and longing. Every day I can't quite bring myself to do it. I miss you all.

The truth is this: I am struggling with some depression right now in the weeks following baby Trey's* arrival. I don't know why that is so hard to admit, but there it is.

Thank you for your patience. I am doing the best I can, every day.

Review: The Book of Jonas

2012-04-19T23:59:00.005-07:00

Time for another BlogHer Book Club review! We read The Book of Jonas, the debut novel of Stephen Dau.

The Book of Jonas gives us glimpses into three very different, but connected, lives. Jonas (originally Younis), is a Muslim teen refugee from a Middle Eastern country left unnamed in the book. After his family and village are destroyed by a misguided United States military operation, he runs away from the trauma both physically and emotionally as he tries to adjust to life in the U.S. Christopher is an American solider who was part of the raid that killed Jonas's family, and who Jonas says saved his life. Although he's been missing ever since that night, we see his inner wrestling through his journal. Finally, there is Rose, Christopher's mother, who channels her despair over not knowing what has become of her son into activism, in part to avoid having to come to terms with her own loss.

You could say it is a story about the effects of war and the how people have to live with choices they're forced to make, or about the different ways people struggle after devastating events. But ultimately I think it is a book about people searching for release, whether that release is absolution from guilt or from the pain of not having answers. The sections of the book (Processional/Remembrance/Communion/Confession/Atonement/Benediction/Recessional) bring to mind a gathered community of faith. That sense of gathering and the way the characters' stories interconnect suggest that the release they all seek cannot come in isolation, but only as they reach out and are open to receive.

Disclosure: I was compensated for my BlogHer Book Club participation. All opinions expressed are my own.

Mother Letters

2012-04-17T10:04:00.001-07:00

A long time ago--in 2007, before Mari, even!--I wrote a letter to a woman I've never met. A husband was collecting letters about motherhood as a Christmas present for his wife, who was about to deliver their fourth child. So I wrote something sweet and encouraging one night and sent it off to him. It was just one of those nice things you do for people on the internet. (ETA: It turns out they received over 600 letters. I had no idea it was so many!)

It turns out that the two of them went on to put some of the best letters and artwork into an e-book that was released today. The e-book is called Mother Letters and my letter is in it. I get a buck or so if you buy it from one of these two links: either for the Kindle or in PDF. I haven't seen it yet--I actually don't even remember what I wrote and I'm hoping it's not too embarassing--but I wanted to let you all know!

OAB Happenings This Week

2012-04-13T13:51:00.003-07:00

One of the nice things about the new Open Adoption Bloggers blog is the chance to highlight guest bloggers. The first fabulous guest post was by adoptive mom Rachel from White Sugar Brown Sugar, who offered seven tips for respecting online privacy in open adoption. Not everyone agreed with the tips, though--you might want to check out the post and comments and add your own thoughts.

The 36th Open Adoption Roundtable was also posted this week. The prompt was about open adoption agreements and the effects they (or their absence) have had on bloggers' relationships. Some interesting, and varying, responses have come in so far.

Who Deserves to Be Heard

2012-04-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

The annual Circle of Moms ~~page view grab~~ competition for Top Adoption and Foster Care Mom Blogs has started up. I was nominated (thank you to whoever honored me that way), but don't worry, I won't be begging for your daily votes again this year. As fun as it was to see my name on the list in 2011, there were no real benefits as far as traffic over the year, so I wasn't going to bother writing about the game in 2012.

Then censorship reared its ugly head. Cassi is a first mother who writes about reform, ethics, and her personal experience at Adoption Truth. Her blog was in the competition and doing well. Until, without warning, it was removed from the voting list by Circle of Moms. In an email, the contest organizers told her they "had to remove [her] blog from the Top 25 Adoption Blogs by Moms competition. As described on the contest page, the Top 25 Adoption Blogs by Moms contest is open to 'mom bloggers who write about adoption or foster parenting in a supportive, positive way.'"

I've lurked on Cassi's blog for years. Her experience wasn't positive and she writes from that perspective. Why would anyone expect her to be "supportive" of adoption as it currently stands? She advocates for reform, cautions against the ethical pitfalls in domestic adoption, and writes frankly about how adoption affected her and her adult son. (As do others in the competition, but hers alone was singled out for removal.) Is her voice somehow not needed in the larger conversation about adoption because it is not "positive"?

I'd argue that voices like Cassi's are the most important, in many regards. Speaking for myself, they give me a view of adoption I do not get anywhere else--not in the mainstream media, not in the most popular adoption books, not in most of the training materials I've been given. It is the people who vulnerably and honestly share about the complexities of adoption--those often labeled "anti-adoption" or "negative--who have most influenced my views of adoption. More than just my views--they have influenced my practice of adoption, my choices as an adoptive parent, my relationships with my children. All for the better. And they are effecting change on a larger scale in terms of adoptee rights and the ethical adoption practices, too.

This is also a clear example of adoptive parent privilege at work (more on how I understand my privilege as both an adoptive parent and a non-adopted person here and here). If I, as an adoptive parent, had a difficult experience--if, say, one of my children's moms had decided to parent after all after initially placing her child with us or if I were struggling in a relationship with a first family member--and wrote about how awful I felt about adoption in that moment, I highly doubt I'd be labeled as "not positive and supportive" of adoption. In fact, I'd probably be given a lot of encouragement. If I support adoptees' birth certificate access or other reforms, I'm not dismissed.

I'm not saying adoptive parents should be silenced. Not at all. But we need to realize that often we are recognized and heard at the expense of others. First parents and adoptees/foster care alumni are held to a different standard--they are asked to do the impossible and somehow prove that they deserve to be listened to before certain people will listen to them. Because of the privilege at our backs, I think we as adoptive parents have an obligation to work to leave space for and draw attention to first parent and adoptee voices, especially those who expose adoption's complexities and dangers.

So, if you are interested, go to vote at Circle of Moms this year. You can vote once each day. But as you click I encourage to think about how you can draw attention to the voices who have to fight hardest to be heard.

Watch Out for Flying Pigs

2012-04-10T15:37:00.000-07:00

The new, stand alone Open Adoption Bloggers site is up and running! I probably shouldn't admit this, but part of me thought it impossible that I would ever actually pull this off.

But it's up! It involved DNS codes and name servers and about 10,000 links that I still need to go through and update. But it is there. Please do go check it out. I sincerely welcome your feedback. If you see anything buggy or confusing, please let me know.

I want to give an enormous public thank you to Racilous from Adoption in the City. She put in a ton of time offering suggestions and helping me see the forest and not just the trees. She even made the header image so that it would match our badges.

The roundtables, "meet the blogger" interviews, and other projects will be posted there now. In fact, the first roundtable is live today, asking folks to write about open adoption agreements. So please visit and subscribe!

Eleven Years

2012-04-08T20:59:00.000-07:00

(This is a partial repost from five years ago. Somehow it seemed just right for this year, too.)

Love commits to the journey despite not knowing what lies ahead.

Love commits to the unknown ones who will join you along the way.

Love commits to the person you are and to the person you are becoming.

Happy eleventh anniversary, Todd. Parts of this journey have been nothing like what I expected, others have been exactly as I imagined. But I wouldn't trade it for anything.

My Bloggy Baby

2012-04-05T15:04:00.001-07:00

Do you know how excited I am about this?

So stinkin' excited.

Before the actual baby showed up unexpectedly, this was my baby of the moment. The Open Adoption Bloggers projects were feeling a bit squished into my blog and hard to navigate. I'm not a designer of any sort, so the look of it isn't anything to write home about. But look at the menu bar! Such lovely organization. Roundtables, blogroll, interviews, "best of" honorees--all a quick click away. I'm hoping to have it all up and running this weekend (fingers crossed, knock on wood, pinch of salt over the shoulder).

If you have an OAB button or link to the blogroll on your blog, one thing you can do to help is to make sure it links to www.openadoptionbloggers.com and not www.productionnotreproduction.com. The code looks something like this, depending on which button you have:

<a href="http://www.openadoptionbloggers.com/" title="Open Adoption Blogs"><img alt="Open Adoption Blogs" border="0" src="http://i305.photobucket.com/albums/nn230/heatherpnr/OA_blogroll_v1GREEN.png" title="Open Adoption Blogs" /></a>

Look at the bit marked in red and if it says http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/p/open-adoption-blogs.html or http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2000/01/open-adoption-blogs.html, please change it to http://www.openadoptionbloggers.com. Right now that still sends people to the blogroll page on my blog, but soon it will send people to the new site. If you need any help, please just let me know.

The other things moving OAB to its own site does is open up lots of opportunities to feature your writing. I have some great guest posts and book reviews lined up, and there is unlimited room for more. If you're interested in contributing to the site, let me know and I'll send you more details.

Wish me luck on getting this rolled out--I am not a techie!

New Open Adoption Bloggers - March 2012

2012-04-01T15:40:00.000-07:00

The open adoption bloggers list grows every month and sometimes additions get lost among all the awesomeness. Hopefully these round-ups of the new blogs from the month before will help folks connect.

Here are the blogs added in March:

FIRST PARENTS

From Birthmom to Adoptive Mom: I am a birth mom and an adoptive mom sharing stories from my journey through adoption. I am currently in a very open adoption.

Petitexplosion: A birthmother and birthfather doing open adoption together, living through the process day by day, and trying to devote themselves to each other, before devoting their lives to a baby.

ADOPTIVE PARENTS

Adoptio: Building a Catholic family through open adoption.

Our Adoption Journey...and Life with Kate!: Our journey through domestic infant adoption, and now life with our daughter, Kate! We share the good, the bad, and the ugly (but mostly good)!

MargaretAdopts: The blog explores our adventures as soon-to-be parents to a nine-year-old boy and describes our experiences with the adoption process. We've been committed to the idea of open adoption since the beginning, but now we'll find out what it's like to live out that decision on a day-to-day basis.

PRE-ADOPTIVE PARENTS

No Due Date: We're on a journey to grow our family through adoption. We invite you to share in our journey, and help us in the search to find an expecting mother who is considering adoption.

Susan & Mitch (hope to) adopt: We’re following our dream to become parents by adopting a baby girl or boy through open adoption. Our blog shares adventures, experiences, and thoughts along the way.

Two Mommies Trying to Adopt: I am hoping that this blog will act as a support for my partner and me as we try to navigate the road toward adoption. I will blog about the journey that we are taking and the emotions that occur along the way.

Spoiler Alert

2012-03-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

Enter password to view picture

Part one, part two, part three

At some point during that emotionally charged time after the baby was born but before any steps had been made toward his eventual placement, I found myself standing with the social worker in a quiet hallway. Somehow we got onto the topic of those reality shows that follow expectant parents and prospective adoptive parents around from pre-birth matches to placement.

"It's hard to think of a worse time to have cameras around," I commented.

"Oh, I know. Our agency has gotten called more than once trying to get us to participate in those shows," she said, the disdain in her voice making her opinion clear.

I've said my piece about those shows before, but one of the many things about them that sets me to grinding my teeth in rage--and among the things the social worker and I talked about that day--is their framing of relinquishment/placement as the conclusion of a story. In the interest of shoehorning real-life events into a dramatic storyline, the show-makers nearly always present it as a conflict of, "Will the birthmother go through with it? Will the adoptive parents get that baby they so deserve?". (Biased, unethical language intended there.) The placement, then, serves as their tidy, happy ending.

There are so many damaging ripples from shows telling the story that way, over and over. (Imagine for a moment if instead the happy ending were the new mom finding a way to parent after all.) But the least of them is simply that it is not an open adoption. That is the tip of the iceberg, the starting point for a lifetime of exploring, working on, experiencing the richness and challenge, grief and joy of openness in adoption. Don't show me a made-for-tv storyline culled from a several weeks of a pre-birth match and placement and tell me that is an "adoption story". You haven't shown me the story of an adoption. You've only shown me the events leading up to the very start of an adoption, one in which relationships will grow and change, and in which the most important person--the adoptee--has yet to gain a voice and active role.

In order to keep this story from falling into that same trap, allow me to spoil the ending-that-is-not-really-an-ending for you before continuing on. Meet our newest son, born to Shamika and Derrick. He turned two weeks old yesterday. This isn't just a story about how our family became his. It's the first chapter of a lifetime-long tale that is only just beginning.

Turning Point

2012-03-26T16:32:00.000-07:00

Part one, part two

My conversation with the agency social worker was on a Friday. She asked us to write a short letter introducing our family and our values around openness and send it to her by Monday, when she'd be meeting next with the couple.

Over the weekend I stole away to our bedroom for a few hours to write the letter and put together some photos of our family more recent than the ones the agency had on file. This is a strange exercise even under the usual circumstances, trying to capture honestly in one page what is unique and true about your family without "selling" or veering into cliche, all to an unknown reader. Writing it in one day instead of mulling over every word for weeks made it all more more weird.

I emailed the pictures and letter to the agency on Sunday evening and settled in for the expected few days' wait to hear the couple's decision. Monday went by. And Tuesday. And Wednesday. The longer the week went on the more swiftly I drifted from being interested but still fairly aloof to being emotionally invested in the outcome, hoping that by some small chance we were the right family for this particular couple. By Friday I was in that ridiculous emotional place of trying to will the phone to ring ring please just ring already before the weekend started. I just wanted to know, one way or the other.

I thought a lot about this couple I didn't know, in impossibly hard circumstances, trying to make what I imagined must be a strange and difficult choice. I didn't begrudge them taking all the time they needed. But, oh, was I ever distracted over the weekend.

The next Monday, in the middle of a conference call for work, I saw the agency's phone number pop up on my cell phone. I debated letting it go to voice mail for a ring or two, until my overwhelming need to know made me excuse myself from the meeting.

After perfunctory pleasantries, the social worker got to the point. Through their different contacts, the agency had pulled together five potential adoptive families for the expectant parents to consider. Out of those five, they had decided they wanted to meet Todd and me.

They had picked us.

Part four

Bigger Still

2012-03-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

Part one

It started with an email.

The agency we used for Mari's adoption was working with two local expectant parents who were considering adoption. Because of some of the significant challenges in this couple's life, none of the families in the agency's pool were comfortable being shown to them. So the agency was taking the unusual (for them) step of reaching out to some of its old clients to see if they could gather some potential adoptive parents for them to consider.

I read the message right as I was heading out the door for a run, expecting to brush it off. Instead it stopped me in my tracks. Something about it felt...familiar, almost.

I chalked up the feeling to having not read the email closely enough. Surely there was some factor I'd missed that would make it absurd for us to even consider. But all through my run it wouldn't leave my mind. Once home, I thrust my iPod into Todd's hands, the email opened on the tiny screen. "Just read this," I said, with no preamble. "Then tell me what you think."

A few minutes later he looked up at me. "I think this is exactly why we do adoption," he said quietly.

That evening I wrote back to the social worker. "We're interested in talking to you more," I told her. Even with that noncommital wording I hesitated for a long time before clicking "send". We're just not the sort of people for whom things happen out of the blue. It must be foolish to think we might possibly meet this couple's needs, be part of this child's life.

The next day, hidden in a back bedroom of a friend's home while playgroup burbled through the rest of the house, I listened to the social worker tell me more about the expectant parents and the heartbreaking, frustrating circumstances into which their baby was being born. The challenges were big and any open adoption relationship would need a lot of support to be healthy. I understood, on some level, why it had felt like too much for those waiting parents already in the agency's pool. But, still, it felt familiar to me. Not scary. In many ways, it paralleled aspects of our family's existing adoptions. These were challenges we knew (or thought we knew).

Because of those parallels, the social worker thought we and the expectant parents would be a good fit for each other. If we agreed, we could quickly write up a new introduction letter that she'd give to the couple, along with our old profile materials they had on file from Mari's adoption. But we needed to move quickly and we needed to be sure--the couple had already selected one set of prospective adoptive parents only to have them become overwhelmed and decide they couldn't continue. She did not want to put them through that again.

This time I didn't hesitate.

Part three

Bigger

2012-03-16T14:11:00.004-07:00

Last year I was intrigued by the idea of choosing a single word for the year--something to set the tone, or be inspiration, capture what I thought the year might be about. It was something I had seen a number of other bloggers doing, an alternative to the usual laundry list of New Year's resolutions. They are often inspriational, lovely word like BREATHE or CREATE.

I picked the word TRY for 2011. I kept it to myself, a private challenge to step outside my comfort zone a little as opportunities arose. Among other things it got me to my first blogging conference, BlogHer (so big! so many people!), and to the Open Adoption Symposium in Virginia, both places where online friendships cemented and grew into something even more wonderful in that offline context.

As 2012 approached, I wanted to choose a new word. I sat with the idea for a few days until one word kept coming to mind again and again.

BIGGER.

It felt like the moment to think beyond my usual routines and ruts, to push myself further--even if just a little bit--in my job, my projects, my family life. Not necessarily to try something new, but something more. BIGGER carried this exciting sense of expansion it for me.

It started off a little practical:

We finally went out and bought the new (to us) bigger car we had been dithering about for months--nay, years. The minivan that would let us take the road trips and do the activities with the kids' friends we had been wanting to do. To buy it, we used the funds we had set aside for a possible third adoption. It was a step into embracing and loving our lives and our family right now, just as it is, putting to rest the wondering and worrying over adding to it.

I began working on some new ideas at my job. I started sketching out what it would take for our family to spend a year overseas when the kids are a little older. I let a local friend convince me to join her in a proposal for a continuing ed workshop for therapists about adoption--something way outside my comfort zone--because, BIGGER. I've been working until the wee hours on setting up Open Adoption Bloggers at its own site to let it expand beyond the confines of my blog. (Tell them how great it is, Racilous!)

It was all very invigorating and exciting.

And then BIGGER took a very interesting turn...

Part two

Open Adoption Roundtable #35: Grandparents

2012-03-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

We've written about siblings in open adoptions twice before. Now we're going to look in the other generational direction: grandparents. While the legal processes of placing and adopting focus on the triad of first parents-child-adoptive parents, the reality is that adoption involves extended family, too. So this time we're offering up a nice, broad prompt to reflect on the influence of, relationships with, and experiences of grandparents in our open adoptions (whichever grandparents you choose).

Write about grandparents in open adoption.

***

Excerpts from the responses:

Monika (first parent) @ Monika's Musings: "I know as the child of an adoptee that I've missed having access to a whole set of relatives I never knew. It's not like I loved my grandparents any less knowing that my dad was adopted. I just knew that I was missing out on a possible relationship with more people. I translate that desire easily into Mack possibly wanting a relationship with her biological grandparents (and other extended relatives too) as she grows. But right now, we wait."

KatjaMichelle (first mom) @ Therapy is Expensive: "When they ask for new pictures or information I want to hold out on them. I want to withhold their grandson. The grandson they are partially responsible for living 3000 miles away. I know my parents love me and Kidlet. Without a doubt. I also know they were being true to our family’s communication style (or lack thereof). I try not to hold it against them, but it’s hard."

Cat (adoptive mom) @ Cat's Litterbox: "We had just come home from the hospital with Gus (he was maybe two days old), and his Great Grandma Marge sent us THE NICEST email welcoming us into her life, telling us that she supported us completely, and she wanted us to know that if we needed anything, to just let her know. It was the more amazing way to start off our journey with open adoption."

MommySquared (adoptive mom) @ The Journey to Parenthood and the Years That Follow...: "When we began our journey to add to our family our first discussions with Stefanie and her family were that, we Tim, me and Ally were a package take us all or not at all...Stefanie's father and grandmother were more than thrilled to realize that they would be grandparent and great grandparent to not one but two girls! And our relationship began right then and there right in the hospital room where Ally hugged and kissed Papa Todd and Great Grandma Glade when first meeting them..."

Jessica (adoptive mom) @ Anderson Happenings: "I'm so, so thankful for the support our parents showed us when we were choosing adoption. Just recently, Colt began asking about who came from who's belly. I knew that the adoption conversation would be just around the corner. While we've celebrated Gotcha Days, been to our agency's Christmas parties, and read books...he still isn't totally "getting it". We talked to each of our parents individually to let them know that he's talking about birth, and that we would start conversations about N. That they didn't need to be nervous or hesitent to mention her name. They all smiled and seemed fine with it...we're so grateful that they are."

Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City: "That feeling existed the first time I met them, I could feel the uncertainty. But then they started to get to know me. I bet it helped that I was calm, articulate, that I asked about their life, that I wasn’t too pushy and that honestly I didn’t fit into those stereotypes they feared – a woman biding her time before taking her child back or trying to co-parent. Once they met me I think these women realized I wasn’t an idea, I was a person, a person who loved this little boy and was trying to do the best for him."

Susiebook (first mom) @ Endure for a Night: "Watching Joey really has helped me to understand at a gut level that more people loving your kid is a blessing, whatever else it brings. Watching Joey bolt toward the door at the end of a work day shouting 'Oma, Oma, Oma!' with his arms outstretched toward my mom? That is amazing. It seems unlikely that Cricket could have that even with support from his moms, but I wish that he could get a little closer."

Butmom (birth grandparent) in the comments: "I met the adoptive parents and their 4 y.o. son. I was charmed. But still, I had reservations. How could I be a grandmother when all the milestones I had fantasized about were going by the wayside. I was going to be a grandmother, but not a grandmother."

M de P (adoptive mom) @ Reservado Para Futura Mamá: "Apparently my grandfather made a snide comment about the fact that she was adopted - or maybe adoption more generally, I'm not sure - which really set my dad off...While I feel sad about the way the relationship between my dad and his father ended up, I also think of my dad as a bit of a hero to stand up to him like that, in defense of this little girl that he loves so fiercely."

Elly (adoptive mom) @ The Wonderful World of Ciaran shares a letter from her mother (Elly's note: "I want to point out that when she talked about 'birth parents' early on, she means as in those raising their bio-children, not birth-parents-in-adoption."

Gondola Queen (adoptive parent) @ My Life--With Bugs, Brat and Monster: "As for C's family, it was scary for them I have no doubts about that. They didn't know C had signed the adoption papers for almost four years after it had been done. C'd been afraid of their reaction. So, she decided not to tell them. She wanted to let them see that nothing was changing, and that they were still his family before telling them about the legal change in their relationship status. When they found out, they were shocked. And hurt. And angry. And scared. But maybe there was a glimmer of hope- because we'd shown them that we had zero interest in letting them out of the family."

Robyn C @ Chittister Children: "At first, I thought Greta hated me. She might have, at first. But in the years since, and especially in this last year, we’ve gotten a lot more friendly. I think Jackson is a big part of that. He now cares about his birth family and wants to know them. For the first time, he got a birthday card from Greta and her husband (not S’s father). He was very excited about it. He wants to know that they love him, and the card and phone calls show him that they do. For a long time, I kept our relationship with Greta because she was our link to S. Now, I feel like keeping our relationship with Greta because of who she is and how much she loves Jackson."

Venessa (adoptive mom) @ Journey of Love: "We all become tied together by the love we share for a tiny soul. And this little person should definitely be granted the opportunity to know all the persons in his/her family if it is appropriate to do so. But, life doesnt always present itself in a neat package."

Danielle (first mom) @ Another Version of Mother: "Your grandchild is just that, your grandchild. You can pass the puck to anyone you want, but at the end of the day, it is your daughter who created that life, and thus, forever, and ever, that child within her will be connected to you, even if the paperwork says otherwise.

Coley (first mom) @ Living the Bittersweet Life: "When I was pregnant and making an adoption plan I didn’t really think about how my relinquishing Charlie would affect my family too. I was so busy worrying about how it would affect me, what I was losing and would be grieving that I neglected to think about the loss my family would also feel. But now I have realized there is a loss for them as well. Not only did I lose my everyday motherhood to Charlie but they lost the ability to be his grandparents in the traditional sense."

Prabha (adoptive mom) @ Baby Steps to a Baby Dream: "That email started a chain of communication going back and forth exploring family trees and sharing life histories. Being a grandparent freed them from wondering who held the balance of power in this equation. They openly talked of their love for the children and shared so much of themselves asking so little in return."

Infertility Licks (adoptive mom) @ Life of the Barely Sane: "Then we introduce step parents and the rest of the “steps” that come along. Again, in this day and age, it’s an easy picture for most people to wrap their heads around, although we tend to view them at a distance. But what happens when we substitute the word “step” and insert “birth” or “adoptive” and ask people to think about how that looks? Yup, we get met with blank stares or eyes wide with fear. Why? Because they just can’t get past those original pictures from Norman Rockwell paintings that show us the 1950′s version of a 'perfect' family."

AmFam (adoptive mom) @ American Family: "Nainai is the family we thought we would find. She is unreachable and foreign and distant. She drifts around the periphery of our understanding of L’s family. She is the person who would have cared for L if she stayed with her family, but we don’t know if she has any concern for L at all now. She is absent from L’s life but central to her siblings’.
Nainai reminds me that despite this reunion, we haven’t even scratched the surface of all that L lost when she left her family."

Luna (adoptive mom) @ Life from Here: "Grandparents are pretty special people. This girl has five grandmothers, three grandfathers and a great grandmother in her life. Does she think that’s unusual? She knows no different. All she knows is how many special people love her so much. And that is a pretty cool thing."

Meg (adoptive mom) @ God Will Fill This Nest: "Then there is the darker box, the one I try often not to mentally open, which is the one that contains E’s paternal grandparents. That one sentence, uttered once in passing by a caseworker, causes me to choke up when I think of it. 'They are not in agreement with the adoption.' I think of how much our parents love E, and the joy he brings to all of our lives. I can’t imagine knowing some girl is expecting your grandchild, and you never get to meet him, and your son signs off his rights."

DrSpouse (adoptive mom) @ What am I?: "My mother has been incredibly nosy, and I am afraid I react badly to that. She has asked various questions which are either a) no-one's business but ours and Baby Spouse's (e.g. medical issues) or b) something I could speculate about and will do with Mr Spouse but not with anyone else (e.g. why he was premature) or c) something we could share in limited amounts but we will do ourselves at a point when Baby Spouse has already been given the information (e.g. birth siblings)."

Cindy (first mom) @ Another Crazy Christian: "When I told her that I already had a plan, and that the plan was to still be in my son life, her response was incredulous, she could not believe that I said that I wanted to do adoption AND still know my son."

Betty Anne Davidson (first mom) @ Betty Anne & Scott: "If I had to name one person who was impacted as heavily as I was by placing my daughter, Chloe, for adoption, it would have to be my mother."

Jenna (adoptive mom) @ sparklejenna: "As we drove away from the park I thought about how the relationships formed through adoption are truly unlike anything else. You could see they felt an innate connection to Kai and at the same time he doesn't really know them. There seems to be this delicate balance between respecting each others space and doing what we can to foster a relationship that is meaningful."

Ashley (adoptive mom) @ Modern Mommy Magic: "It's these little stories that I tuck away to remind the girls of frequently. Such as 'Lorelai, when you pout like that you remind me of the story your grandmother told me about how L* used to do the same thing.' Or 'Logan you look just like the baby pictures of C* that her mommy showed me.' It's allowed us to be able to share so much more of their biological identities with them."

Alexa (adoptive mom) @ Conley Family Extension: "We know that A's life will change as she gets older and she may not always be able to, or want to be involved with Gaby. We are happy that L's close relationship with us will allow Gaby to have a constant connection to her birth family even if it is not with her birth Mother."

Other Mother (first mom) @ Letters to My Baby Boy: "Baby Boy is part of something beautiful. Grandparents are grandparents whether their grandchild is 'biological' or adopted. Blood doesn't change love. Grandparents love their child and when their child is hurting because they find themselves pregnant and not married and no longer in a relationship, or their child is desperately wanting another child but, for whatever reason pregnancy just isn't happening. Grandparents love their child and their child loves their child, and grandparents love their grandchildren." *auto-music plays*

Meet Harriet of See Theo Run

2012-03-06T13:02:00.002-08:00

Our latest interviewee in the open adoption blogger series is Harriet, author of See Theo Run. She describes her blog as her "space to muse and explore the intricacies of our open adoption and life as a mixed race family." I've appreciated the thoughtfulness of Harriet's writing and her ongoing efforts to understand what it means to be an adoptive parent in an open adoption. The photos of her adorable, rambunctious son certainly don't hurt, either! Read on to learn more about Harriet and her blog.

Tell us about yourself and your connection to open adoption.

How much time do you have? Ha ha. My husband Mark and I adopted our son, Theo, now two-and-a-half, at birth in an open adoption. We met his birthparents via an agency two months before he was born and have had an ongoing, in-person relationship ever since. We have met all sides of Theo’s birthfamily right up to grandparents. Our relationship has been both wonderful and emotionally challenging. On the upside, I feel privileged to know Theo’s biological family; I’ve gotten to know them as people as well as learning about their Jamaican heritage. On the downside, adoption has taken all of us to some dark places. Despite this, I would characterize our relationship as authentic and caring. I should add that we are a tri-cultural Canadian family: I’m white, my husband is Filipino, my son is Jamaican, and we live in multicultural Vancouver.

What has been the most unexpected or surprising aspect of open adoption so far?

The most difficult aspect has been accepting on a deep core level that our son has two families. I didn’t anticipate that I would feel so much sadness and pain around that fact. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t love my son any more, and I can’t imagine our lives any other way but I feel like I can never wholly claim my son as my own (I’m sure Khalil Gibran would say that no one can). And yet, I know how incredible our situation is. His birthfamily love and care about him and are available to him if he has questions down the road but I’ve just found it difficult to be an adult and learn to share. That said, I can already feel a shift happening, and I think if asked this question in two years or five years, my answer will probably be quite different.

How did you start blogging?

I wanted to get our story down on paper so to speak. There were too many funny and poignant moments, and I didn’t want them to evaporate. So initially, it was strictly documentation. Since then, the blog has morphed into a combination of multiracial open adoption exploration, run-of-the-mill mom blog, and love letter to my son.

What influence has the blogging/online world has on your family's adoption?

I’ve met a lot of adoptive parents, birthmoms and adoptees from all over Canada and the US. We’ve exchanged stories online and chatted via Twitter and email about our adoptions. I’ve even met six families in my city via my blog. The problem is now I want to meet all of my American blogger friends!

If you could go back to the beginning of your adoption experience and tell yourself one thing, what would it be?

I’d remind myself that everything shifts and changes over time, that my child’s birthfamily’s journey is not mine, that I have my own path to travel, and that everything will be fine.

Share a few favorites with us:

Favorite post: I like this one because it’s short, upbeat and has nothing to do with open adoption

Favorite movie: Most recently Midnight in Paris. I love a good quirky indie film.

Favorite non-adoption blog/online diversion: I love hanging out on Twitter and just chatting. Of late, I’ve also whiled many a moment away re-pinning beautiful homes, rooms, food and clothing on Pinterest (make it stop!)

Favorite thing to do in my free time: Anything outside. A walk in the woods or along the beach followed by brunch with family or a big group of girlfriends.

***

Thank you to Harriet taking the time to answer my questions! Be sure to go visit her blog for more of her life and writing. You can also check out the earlier open adoption blogger interviews:

Wherein My Daughter Bends the Universe to Her Will

2012-03-02T08:30:00.000-08:00

Mari turned four years old last month. She has been very, very into baby dolls for quite awhile now, rarely leaving the house without one of her wee ones along with her.

Over the holidays, though, we went to a few parties where older girls had brought their new Amer.ican Girl dolls to show off. And suddenly Mari was utterly smitten with the idea of having a big kid doll. Not just any big kid doll. Oh, no--out of all the dolls we met in December, she wanted the Amer.ican Girl doll named Julie. I don't even think she understands the concept of brands, she just knew from the depths of her little three-foot tall self that this Julie would complete her life. (Julie was, I think not coincidentally, the first one of these dolls the older girls allowed Mari to hold. She imprinted on her like a baby duck in reverse.)

Now, there was no way on God's green Earth that I was buying her a Julie doll as a birthday present. My reasons were several.

Marian is four years old.
Her love affair with Julie would likely be over before the daffodils bloomed.
American Girl dolls cost approximately a bazillion dollars.
Julie looks like this:

With her straight blond hair and iconic whiteness, it's not exactly the doll I'd choose for Mari to fawn over during her formative years.

Some family members asked me what Mari wanted for her birthday, but I didn't bother to tell them about her Julie lust lest someone encourage her. But I heard about Julie several times a day, every day for weeks. "Is it my birthday? How many days until I get my Julie? Did you know I'm getting a Julie? Julie will be in a bag and I will play with her. I'm getting a Julie for my birthday, Mama. I love Julie." Julie, Julie, Julie.

"You're not going to get a Julie," I told her. Sympathetically but firmly.
"Did you know I'm getting a Julie for my birthday?" she answered. You have to give her points for being tenacious.

Several months ago I had snapped up a Kar.ito Kids Lulu doll at a ridiculous discount on Zulily. Anyone who has tried to find quality dolls not just with brown skin but also with tightly curled hair will appreciate how great Lulu is.

I'd been hanging on to it until she was older, but after seeing how excited Mari was about big kid dolls, it seemed like the right moment for Lulu. At the birthday dinner, with our extended family gathered around the table, Mari unwrapped the big box and saw Lulu's face peeking out. She gasped, then gave a little scream of joy. Lulu was brought out and celebrated and hugged. It was delightful.
Then my brother and sister-in-law handed her their present. Their big, boxy present.

I'm sure you see where this is going.

Oh, yes. JULIE. They gave her a freaking Julie.

They had no idea she wanted Julie. None. They could not tell you a thing about the Amer.ican Girl dolls' mystique or how much they cost or about the 1,000 different AG dolls there are available to buy. (Nor did they check with me before giving her such a big present--bad form!) No, they were mere pawns in Mari's successful attempt to bend the universe to her will.
My brother and his wife were visiting an out-of-state friend around New Year's and telling him about their niece who loved baby dolls. "I won this doll at work," he said, pulling a box out of a closet. "It's not a baby. Do you think she'd like it?" They said sure, he handed it over, and they left happy they didn't need to bother shopping for her birthday, not knowing they held Mari's little dream in their hands.

And that is how Mari got her Julie. And how poor Lulu was pushed out of the spotlight in record time. And how I started to worry what else Mari was wishing for.
PS As if to rub it in, Julie came with a little booklet titled, "How to care for your doll with straight hair."

New OAB Blogs - February 2012

2012-03-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

The open adoption blogs list grows every month and sometimes additions get lost among all the awesomeness. Hopefully these monthly round-ups of the new blogs from the month will help folks connect.

Here are the blogs added in February:

FIRST PARENTS
Open Adoption4ALL: Before I was a wife and mother, I was a BIRTH MOTHER, first. I have always tried to be open with my story, in the hopes that it might help to generate a more comfortable dialogue about OPEN ADOPTION in every American household. Without the conversation, there can be no understanding.

ADOPTED ADULTS
momonamission

PARENTS WHO USED DONOR GAMETES
Living Our Miracle: By the grace of God, we are living our miracle with the blessing of our son through embryo adoption. We are navigating the complexities of an open donor relationship with divorced donors who are parents to triplets.

ADOPTIVE PARENTS
momonamission

PRE-ADOPTIVE PARENTS
The Ranunculus Adventures: One writer's blog about life - the good, the bad, the awkward. Topics include everything from adoption to pop culture, writing to wedding flowers, recipes to faith, and stories to make you laugh and cry. And maybe pee your pants a little.

Review: The Weird Sisters

2012-02-09T22:48:00.000-08:00

The latest BlogHer Book Club installment is the debut novel The Weird Sisters by Eleanor Brown. Three sisters, who honestly don't really like each other all that much, return to their childhood home in a small college town when their mother is diagnosed with cancer. The part of the blurb that drew me in? The family--with its Shakespeare-professor father--are all voracious readers.

It is a fluffy book, in that everything-turns-out-right-in-the-end way, but the good sort of fluff: easygoing, engaging, and not too frivolous. The three sisters play awfully neatly into the birth order stereotypes of oldest-responsible/middle-lost/youngest-irresponsible, but that's kind of the point of the story. They need to see the ways they have taken on those roles without thinking and to realize they can grow beyond them.

It's told collectively by the three sisters. The first person plural narration ("We came home because we were failures") took several pages to get used to, but I liked the effect it had of making the family itself a character in its own right in a way. Because isn't that true of our families, especially our families of origin? They somehow become take on a realness in our minds that is more than just the collection of individuals; the family as an entity has a life of its own. I can think of my mother, my father, my brother as separate people, but there is also the influence and pull of Our Family, its shared quirks and flaws and memories.

There was also one bit at the end that stuck with me, "There are times in our lives when we have to realize our past is precisely what it is, and we cannot change it. But we can change the story we tell ourselves about it, and by doing that, we can change the future." It made me think of what many of us do when we write, when we blog. There is a way I think we are sometimes working to wrestle our lives into stories we can not just live with but embrace. That has, at least, been true for me.

Disclosure: I was compensated for this review by BlogHer but the opinions expressed are my own.

Around the Internet

2012-02-08T17:23:00.000-08:00

A few bits from around the internet:

Item #1:
Open adoption blogger Lori is working on a book about open adoption parenting and looking for stories from the community to include. Through February 10, she is collecting insights or cautions about problems in open adoption relationships, especially around boundaries, communication, and contact agreements. If you have an anecdote from your personal experience to share, use this form.

Item #2:
I wanted to point you to a powerful post on Offbeat Mama about identity and open adoption from a prospective adoptive parent thinking about openness from his perspective as a transgender man:

We can't help our histories — they are what they are. But often, the world comes along to tell us who we are because of those histories. When that happens, I will hold my child's hand and yell back at the world. Our given names, our taken names, our birth certificates are simply pieces of our stories. The whole story is so much more. I am not just a man who transitioned genders. I bake cakes, I climb mountains, I sewed my wife's wedding dress, I work towards providing equal access to higher education for all students. And, if given the chance, I will parent a child.

That child will be so much more than an adoptee. She will dance or sing, she will love math or books, she will play the trumpet or the drums, she will have her mother's passion, her father's relentlessness, her first family's strength. She will always know where she came from, where she is headed, her whole self. From the moment she enters my life, I will honor, love, and protect that self with my entire being.

Item #3:
I also loved "Not on the Menu" by Jay over at Two Women Blogging as she parents her adopted daughter through some big emotions and admits that she, at times, asks herself if open adoption is worth it.

Wouldn't it be easier if we didn't have to deal with this? Wouldn't it be simpler if we said "we are your parents" and left it at that? Isn't this all just more confusion?

She comes to the same conclusion I've told myself time after time when things have gotten hard.

Item #4:
If you live in Southern California and like thinking about the cultural, political, and sociological meanings of adoption, this conference in March, Mapping Adoption: Histories, Geographies, Literatures, Politics, looks fantastic. I can't find the list of speakers I read somewhere earlier this week, but it is swoon-worthy. Early registration ends on February 28.

Do you have something you'd like to point us to? Leave it in the comments!

Searching

2012-02-05T13:49:00.000-08:00

Beth called the other day to tell us that she's started to search for her first mom. (Beth was adopted from foster care when she was one year old.) She was born in one of the handful of states which recognize adoptees' right to their original birth certificates, so she has long known her birth mom's name. But she said that lately she's been thinking about what Mari has because Beth is still part of her life, and thinking about what she can't give to Mari because of all she doesn't know about her (their) family of origin.

Closed adoption is never just about the present. The decision ripples through generations.

I am hopeful for what this might mean for her, for Mari. Nervous, too. This feels weighty. Her first mom would be in her early 60s now.

I've noticed that Beth has started referring to her as her "birth mom" lately, which is also what she calls herself when she's talking about Mari. Before now she would talk about her "bio mom," as if drawing a line between that adoption and this one, between what happened to her first mom and what happened to her.

New OAB Blogs - January 2012

2012-02-01T13:52:00.000-08:00

The open adoption blogs list grows every month and sometimes additions get lost among all the awesomeness. Hopefully these monthly round-ups of the new blogs from the month will help folks connect.

Here are the blogs added in January:

FIRST PARENTS
My Angels From God: The adoption journey of a birth mother in an open adoption who became an adoptive mother in a semi-closed adoption and then a biological mother.

I'm Still A Good Mother; A Birth Mother's Journey Through Open Adoption: Stories of my experiences as a mother in recovery, parenting more children after having older children adopted through foster care, and my amazing relationship with my daughter's adoptive family. Also, the benefits of what we like to call "post-adoption reunification."

EXTENDED FIRST FAMILY
Olive You Forever: I am a mother of a teenage daughter who chose to bless another family with her daughter she named Olive through open adoption. I guess that makes me a Birth Grandma and I am proud to say so!

ADOPTIVE PARENTS
A Journey of Love: Learning to live in an open adoption relationship while navigating life!

My Angels From God: The adoption journey of a birth mother in an open adoption who became an adoptive mother in a semi-closed adoption and then a biological mother.

Mommy Musings: Reflections on all aspects of parenting -- the fun, the frustration, the funny and everything in between, including our adoption journey parenting two children who joined our family through domestic infant adoption.

PRE-ADOPTIVE PARENTS
A Thing Called Hope: Our journey towards open adoption, struggles with infertility and loss, but most of all our hope that our dreams will come true.

Journey to Extend our Family: The chronicle of a young Canadian couple navigating their adoption journey.

An Infertile Blog: Started as an infertility blog but since we stopped trying a few months ago and have started the adoption process, that's mostly what I'll be writing about now.

Open Adoption Roundtable #34

2012-01-30T12:33:00.000-08:00

This roundtable prompt comes from a first mom in an open adoption who no longer blogs but wanted to hear what others had to say on the topic.

She was thinking about her reasons for placing her daughter and how she handles sharing (or not) that information with the people in her life. She realized that her daughter's adoptive parents were often asked that same question by people (i.e. why she chose to place) and she wondered how they answered. This started her thinking about how others handle that choice of what to share and whom to share it with, especially when they are asked to speak on behalf of another party in their open adoptions.

It is likely that we've all had that experience at some time: someone asking us to speak to the choices or feelings of others in our adoption constellation. Perhaps it is someone asking a first parent how their child feels about being in an open adoption. Or someone asking an adoptee why their adoptive parents chose to adopt. You get the idea.

How do you handle such questions when they are asked of you? How would you want the other parties in your open adoption to handle those questions when they are about you?

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

***

The responses (so far):

Jenna (first mom) @ The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City

Archane (adoptive mom) @ The Spinning Goth

I Am (first dad) in comments

Geochick (adoptive mom) @ An Engineer Becomes a Mom

Robyn C (adoptive mom) @ The Chittister Children

Other Mother (first mom) @ Dear Sweetheart (auto-play music)

Dena (adoptive mom) @ Red Velvet Wisdom

Meg McK (adoptive mom) @ God Will Fill This Nest

Cindy (first mom) in comments

Cat (adoptive mom) @ Cat's Litterbox

Lynn (adoptive mom) @ Open Hearts Open Minds

Alissabeth (adoptive mom) @ Not a Visitor

Susiebook (first mom) @ Endure for a Night

I Was Anne (adoptive mom) @ Tears of/and Joy

CB (adult adoptee) in comments

Danielle (first mom) @ Another Version of Mother

Venessa (adoptive mom) @ A Journey of Love

Kareydk (adoptive mom) @ Karen's Adoption Journey

Meghann (adoptive mom) @ Everyday Miracles

Mrs R (adoptive mom) @ The R House

Jenna (adoptive mom) @ sparklejenna

Roundtable Suggestions

2012-01-19T10:34:00.000-08:00

I have a new open adoption roundtable set up for next week. This next prompt was suggested by a first mom blogger (she's since shuttered her blog, else I'd link to her) and I'd love to have more community-suggested prompts. I'm sure you have some better ideas than mine!

What topics would you like to write about? Read about? You can peek at the list of prior topics for a look at what we've done in the past.

Adoption Book Tour: "Found" by Jennifer Lauck

2012-01-17T04:59:00.000-08:00

Today I am participating in an adoption book tour of Found by Jennifer Lauck, organized by Lori at The Open Adoption Examiner. Found is a companion to Ms Lauck's earlier memoirs (the acclaimed Blackbird, Still Waters, and Show Me the Way), re-telling some of the same events then continuing on through her reunion with her first mother and, more broadly, her search for wholeness, peace, and identity. It's a raw and powerful story about her memory of loss (loss piled on loss, in this case: losing her family of origin due to closed adoption, losing her adoptive family to death, losing trust and safety when she is betrayed and abused by those who are supposed to take care of her) and the many ways (Tibetian Buddhism, motherhood, reunion) she found restoration.

As part of the tour, I was sent a few questions to answer. To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.

As someone who does not have living children, I felt a little dissed by the author's assertions that being a mother brings clarity that is otherwise impossible to have. Did others read this the same way? Do you agree? Disagree?

I read it as Ms. Lauck speaking to the clarity that becoming a mother brought to her but there was such strength of conviction and language that I absolutely see how the reader who posed this question read it as a universal statement--and why that would sting.

I can only speak from my own experience. Becoming a parent was (obviously) a major event for me, one that affected nearly every part of my life in some way. Taking on "mother" as this new aspect of my identity brought about--or forced, really--all sorts of self-reflection and new insights into myself and my worldview. Those insights are unique to mothering, for me, simply because that is the catalyst that happened to bring them to me. But I don't think motherhood is the only path I could have taken to them, had my life gone a different direction. And no two people will experience parenthood in the same way, so the insights which having a child might bring to them will be different than mine.

It's akin in some ways to how adoption intersects with motherhood for me. I'm a different parent than I would have been if I'd birthed my children, I believe. Grappling with and ultimately embracing that fact that I am not my children's only mother, that there are things only their families of origin can provide for them, was a humbling and ultimately empowering experience. (And one which is definitely ongoing!) It's led me to be more attuned in my parenting and really let go of any assumptions I might have had about what our parent/child relationship would be like, instead letting us create that relationship together. I would never think to claim that I have a clarity no non-adoptive mother could have, yet for me there is a direct line between adoption and the sort of parent I'm becoming. It's always hard to tease these sorts of things apart. I think we just need to be careful to leave room for other's experiences when we talk about our own.

Assuming the loss of a first mother is extremely painful for an adoptive child, is there a way to empower or help an adoptive child heal if an open relationship with their first mother is not an option?

Speaking from an adoptive parent's perspective, I think when an actual relationship isn't possible, we still keep to the same principle of maintaining openness. In fact, even when first parents are present in a child's life, we still need to be deliberately practicing openness. Openness to listening to and talking honestly with our children about adoption. Openness to the full breadth of our children's identities, which includes respecting and affirming their origins. Openness to the many possible different paths to relationship, whether it be with extended first family, or former foster family, or simply always holding open the possibility of contact in the future. Maintaining open adoption relationships is simply another part of that continuum and, at its best, has that same spirit of openness behind it.

No matter what degree of contact we may have, I think we have to realize that ultimately our children's empowerment or healing (or whatever words they decide best fit them) is a task they will finish independent of us. Parenting means watching for times and ways our children needs us to comfort or guide, giving them language and tools to work with their emotions. But it's also giving them the room to define their adoption experience and needs for themselves as they grow up. I don't assume Eddie and Mari are unaffected by adoption, but neither do I approach them as permanently damaged. Neither would be fair to the complex, amazing people they are and are becoming. I get very mama bear protective when people are deterministic about my children, whether it's to say, "Oh, they'll be fine because they were adopted as infants/in open adoptions/are so loved/etc." or to say they are irreparably broken. I'm trying to be open to a whole range of possibilities and learn from as many different adopted adults' perspectives as I can, so I am able to engage with them as they process and integrate their adoptions in their own unique ways.

Lauck argues that "the primal wound" affects all adopted children and reunions with first parents should be encouraged in most if not all cases. How do you think Lauck's reunion with her mother helped heal her own "primal wound"?

The image that comes to mind thinking of the impact of their reunion in the book is of an unfinished circle finally being completed. As if a section of the circle had broken away and was scattered in little chunks which were put back in order and made whole again. And it wasn't just the reunion, but all of that interior work she had done through her meditation practice and reflection on motherhood prior to that point.

There was a sense of grounded-ness at the close of the book that contrasted with the rootlessness of her childhood and early adulthood. It made me think of the grounding I witness when Eddie is with his birth dad, the indescribable rightness there is when they are together. (A father-child connection the primal wound conversation too often doesn't make room for, unfortunately.) That's part of my motivation for open adoption: to enable the kids to keep those connections with their birth parents, to give them that additional resource to use as they develop their self-identities and incorporate their adoptions into their identities. Hopefully they never have to wait for a reunion to put those pieces together.

Disclosure: My copy of the book was sent to me for free by the publisher, independently this tour, with no obligations attached. Thank you to Seal Press for the opportunity!