I always thought it’d be fun to be a Weight Watchers Leader.  I am a trainer by trade, and actually enjoy public speaking.  My current job is more managerial and design oriented rather than actual training, and I miss getting up and engaging a crowd.  So, when there was a Weight Watchers orientation meeting for prospective new employees, I jumped at the chance, even though I am more than fully employed as it is between my full time job, my family, and volunteering.

Alas, despite losing 116 lbs, I don’t qualify.  It appears that the goal I set with my doctor counts as far as becoming a lifetime member at WW, but not for being a leader.  For that, you need to be within the normal BMI range for your height, and I’m still 15 lbs away from that.

Disappointing?  A little.  Truthfully, I wasn’t sure how I would fit in being a Leader with my other “jobs.”  As it turns out, a change in my husband’s schedule would have made it impossible anyway.

And people want to see a skinny Leader.  They are there to lose weight.  That’s why I joined, too.  But I gained a lot more than just losing weight, and I have more to contribute, too.  It’s so hard to make positive changes in your life when you’re beating yourself up.  What I’d most like to share is how people can keep a healthy attitude toward themselves-to appreciate themselves-no matter their size-even as they strive to make changes.

Will I get down to my BMI weight eventually?  Probably.  I’m not too worried about it.  Will I be a Leader one day?  Maybe.  But my life is full to bursting as it is, and I’m fortunate to have a day job so I don’t need it.

In the meantime, I’ll try being a virtual leader, online.

The change was long overdue.  My old job had become toxic in many ways, and the company itself seems to be in a negative spiral.  I’m glad I was able to leave on my own power, rather than being laid off.

Although I’ve made a lot of positive changes in my life habits, a major life change like a new job has made it difficult to sustain those changes.  Much of my life was built around my old office, my old commute.   My old commute was a half hour drive.  I would visit Berkeley Bowl to get my fruits and veggies on a regular basis.  I went to a yoga studio around the corner from my old office.   I loved my old routine, and it helped support my health.

My new job is in the financial district of San Francisco, so my commute has changed from a half hour drive to a bus, about an hour door to door.  I love the bus!  I don’t have to deal with the crazy drivers, so don’t have to carry that stress.  It’s so relaxing to listen to a book while knitting.  I’m getting a little more exercise in, too, as I need to walk or ride my bike to the bus station.  It’s not far, but every little bit counts.

Even though the commute is easier, it is longer, so I have to really plan my exercise.  So far, I’m not getting to the gym nearly as much as I’d like.  It’s been really challenging to map my old habits to my new commute.  The great thing about habits is you don’t need to think about them-you just do them.  It’s going to take a lot of work to make new habits.

I still miss Berkeley Bowl, but found there are TONS of farmers markets in SF.  Alas, the fruits and vegetables there must be much more precious than those at BB, because they are twice as expensive.  Still, it’s great fun to take a walk at lunch and buy a basket of strawberries as a snack.

Given that it’s hard to swing your mat without hitting a yoga studio, it’s not surprising I found one a block from my office.  Also more expensive (sigh)… The hardest part has been giving myself permission to go there.  At a new job, I want to impress everyone that I’m working hard.  Thing is, nobody is monitoring whether I take an hour for a class during lunch or not–well, nobody but me!

It would be too easy to let everything slide.  It hasn’t been easy making new habits, but I’ve done so consciously and deliberately.  I’m even thinking about changing my Weight Watchers meeting.  The WW in SF is also just a block away, in the building next to the yoga studio.  My leader Kathy moved away (sob!), and waking up early on Saturday mornings is not very appealing.  I haven’t done it yet, though.  One step at a time!

How have you rebuilt healthy habits after a major life change?

No, I haven’t been writing lately, because I didn’t have anything to say.  I felt that I had already reached my bigger goal, that of living the life I wanted to live.  So if that was the case, why did I continue with Weight Watchers?

Honestly, I don’t know.  Stubborn?  Crazy?  Why keep paying when from what I could see nothing was changing, and I didn’t really care that much if it did?

One thing that staying on the program gave me was the support and tools to stay where I was at.  Like pretty much everyone, I have been extremely successful at losing weight in the past.  I had also been expert at regaining it.  I have been happy where I’ve been, and if nothing else wanted to stay there.  I am a creature of habit, and my weekly meeting is a good habit.

A few things have changed for me recently that have contributed to achieving this goal.  One is I’ve taken up yoga.  I know those who are serious about exercise as a means of burning calories pooh pooh yoga because it doesn’t burn as many calories as more intense exercise.  What yoga has given me is the ability to focus on what is going on in my body and to understand it better.  I’ve learned to appreciate my strengths and weaknesses, and to look at both in the spirit of “huh, that’s interesting!” as opposed to something I want to change or fix.  I’ve learned I’m really good at twists, and very bad at one leg balances like tree pose.  Huh, that’s interesting!

Yoga has given me another means of quieting all those chattering voices in my head.  For me it’s moving meditation, a focus on my body and my breath.  The shitty committee in my head gets to take a break.

Another thing that’s made a change for me is the new PointsPlus program from Weight Watchers.  I have done it sporadically, I confess.  Yes, you get more points, but my favorite dishes were more points!  My little cup of lentils was 5 points!  And the cup of rice I put it on?  ANOTHER 5 points!  WTF?!

The new program made me realize that although all my carbs were the good kind, I was still eating too much of them. I’ve cut back on the cup of rice to a half.

The biggest thing that’s changed, though, is how I see myself.  Some time ago, after I initially lost a hundred pounds, I was in a department store with my kids and saw a strange person in a mirror holding their hands.  I was surprised to realize that was me!  Many people had told me they didn’t recognize me, and apparently I didn’t recognize myself.

Cut to about six weeks ago.  I had a dream where I was seeing myself in the mirror, but it wasn’t my current face; it was my face from four years ago.  I was startled, and thought “that’s not me.”  And it was me, but it isn’t anymore.  I think that dream was the moment when I was able to finally embrace the face I have now.

Since then, I’ve found it a lot easier to eat just until I’m full.  I eat, I see if I’m still hungry, and if I am, great!  I eat some more.  If I’m not, then ok!  Sounds easy, you’ve heard it a million times, but I guess it takes a lot of practice.

So now that I’ve made my goal, will I be writing more?  I don’t know!  I have the Weight Watchers 6 week maintenance program to go through, and I’m trying not to be too overconfident about it.  There’s a lot more my body has to teach me yet.

And this goal isn’t the end.  It never was.

This spring I rented (? is that the word?) a plot in  the Hercules community garden.  This was a considerable leap of faith, since my home planting efforts usually began well but ended up with sad dry sticks as I would forget to water.

This community garden not only has plots for individuals, but for the school and the Girl Scouts, too. I have my own 3 x 20 plot, and I had intended to do square foot gardening to take advantage of every square inch.  Little did I know that it would be the plants taking advantage!

My plot has turned into a jungle of squash, kabocha, and corn.  I had broccoli, but I tore it up because it was so bitter. I have a few eggplants in there, and some peppers, but it’s the squash that is running wild.  I have 4 patty pan squash plants (the ones that look like flying saucers), 3 kabocha plants and two jackolantern pumpkins, and they have totally taken over.  I’m definitely going to use Babs’ squash recipe for stir fry!  I’ve done something similar for a pasta sauce:  saute onions, garlic and red pepper, add eggplant and squash, and some herbs and crushed tomatoes.  Nums!

The kids love coming to the garden and seeing how big everything has gotten.  Sam even bit into one of the squashes

Is my kabocha ready yet?

(though he didn’t want me to actually slice it up so he could eat it). Next year, I’ll start earlier and put up some of the towering tomato cages that my neighbors have to contain the plants that grow 5 feet tall!

Thanks to my Twitter friends who encouraged me to start this garden… it’s a real joy to nurture the food that will nourish us.

I’ve been hanging out at this liminal point weight-wise for quite a while.  Part of me would like to be “done” and on maintenance (scare quotes around done because are we every done?), but part of me thinks that’s an insult to the person I was, and there was nothing wrong with her, or with who I am now, for that matter.  I don’t expect an easy resolution here!

What I’m focusing on instead are attitudes and behaviors I want to try to be happier and more satisfied with my life.  So, for my birthday, I’m trying out yoga.

I’ve been feeling anxious and irritated, and using food to try to medicate those feelings away.  I was trying to use regular exercise (elliptical, walk/jogs, classes) to help mitigate those feelings, but that exercise was feeling mechanical, something to get through.  Music was something to motivate me to move faster and to distract me from what I was doing with my body.

All well and good, and I’m sure it was good for me, but it wasn’t doing anything for my irritation and my cravings.  I decided to try yoga.  My understanding was that yoga wouldn’t do much for calorie burning, but my goal was to quiet the mind, not burn the fat.

I’ve tried three classes so far, and I’m shocked–I think it’s helping in quelling the cravings.  I’m a total skeptic when it comes to what I consider woo woo stuff, and yoga is the ultimate in woo woo in my book.

But yesterday, there was a chocolate cake in the office kitchen.  I was very hungry, as I was eating lunch late.  Instead of eating the cake, I really wanted to eat my lunch (my kabocha lentil tagine-yum!).  I told myself after I ate that, if there was something left I could think about it then.  Sure enough, there was one piece left when I returned to wash my bowl. I passed it by.  It was still there later, and I still didn’t go for it.

I have NEVER passed up on cake in my entire life.  I was the kid who swiped frosting flowers off of my sister’s birthday cake before we sang happy birthday.  It wasn’t hard; it just wasn’t what I wanted.  The power of yoga, or new mental perspective?  I don’t know.

The other thing I’m trying is a pressure cooker!  My DH got it for me for my bday.  It’s sitting on my counter, all shiny with its sticker still on it.  I’m so excited!  I’m reading all these cookbooks to figure it out.

I ordered two pressure cooker cookbooks from Barnes and Noble, which I’ve grown to like better than Amazon.  The prices are close, same free shipping after $25, but it’s FAST-I got my books the next day, whereas Amazon takes a week just to ship my stuff.  Well, one of them.  The other one, mysteriously, was a book about Hawaii.  Is Barnes and Noble trying to tell me something?

So I’ll try something in my new cooker soon… gulp!

What new things are you trying?

I’ve been unmotivated.  I stopped writing.  I stopped exercising as much as I should.  I was eating too much sugar.

I’ve been traveling a bit lately, and it’s always hard to stay on track when I’m out of my environment.  For one of my trips, I had an expense account, so heck, why not get an appetizer?  That chocolate caramel pyramid?   Yes “free” food isn’t free, but it was tasty.

But I’ve gained 10 lbs.  I’m exploring how I feel about that.  Is it the number on the scale I care about?  Not really; I didn’t much care about that when I weighed (literally) 100 lbs more.  Do I care about what other people think?  No, they haven’t noticed, or if they do they haven’t told me, which is fine.  Most of the time, when I’m worried about what other people think I realize I’m really projecting on to them my own feelings.

Given I don’t care about the scale or what other people think, why start working on weight and health again?  I’d say this is the upper limit of what I personally feel comfortable carrying on my body.  It’s harder to get my legs up kickboxing, and the fat moves in ways that are disconcerting when I’m moving.

If I gain much more weight, I’d have to buy new clothes, and I’m really tired of shopping for clothes (I know that’s hard to believe!).  When you’ve had to replace every single scrap of clothes in your wardrobe several times, it just gets old.

But most of all, I’m not enjoying being controlled by my cravings.  I’m sick of always being on the lookout for the next treat.  What a boring life, if that’s all I have to look forward to!  I’m tired of being insatiable.  Food just can’t do what I’m trying to make it do, whatever that is.

I’ve realized that the exercise helps me regulate my mood so I don’t crave sugar and carbs so much.  I’m committing to at least 30 minutes of something every day.  What are you committing to?

Things I’m wondering about…

Why is a raw sweet potato 4 WW Points, but a cooked one 3 points?  Would anyone eat a raw sweet potato?

If you have only tried eating artichokes dipping the leaves into something fatty, try them all on their own; I don’t think they need anything to make them taste fantastic.  All I do is put a little lemon juice on them before cooking so they don’t get too discolored.  I make a few at a time, so they’re ready whenever I am.

If you’ve never prepared an artichoke, they can be a little intimidating–when was the last time you ate a thistle?  But they aren’t hard; I found this video that shows how to trim them and get out the fuzzy choke.  How do you like your artichokes?

Point Tracking Bracelet

Many years ago, Weight Watchers used to sell a point tracking bracelet.  Each bead was a point, with larger beads for every 5 point.  As you used your points, you moved a charm around.  It was a great idea, but they weren’t very pretty.  Thea, a member at my meeting, decided to make her own!  It’s hard to see how pretty it is, but she has very nice beads she picked herself with silver beads for every 5 points.  She has a little movable charm that she moves when she uses her points.  It’s pretty, personal, and can be an anchor-no losing the point booklet, or forgetting to count her points!  I think it’s fabulous!

Affirming Passwords

Since you’re on a computer, I know you have a million passwords.  And if your work is like mine, you have to change them every two weeks (ok, not that frequently but it sure feels that way!).

A member suggested using affirmation phrases as a password!  That way, every time you type in a password you are telling yourself something wonderful to counter all the negative self talk.  Are you fantastic?  Make that your password! And who can ever run out of wonderful things to tell herself?

No, I haven’t posted in a while… I haven’t gone anywhere, but I haven’t been in that reflective state lately.  I’ve been annoyed by all the spam comments, too.  So if you’re not a spam bot, let me know how you’ve been doing!

Here’s the pic my husband took for the after photo:

There’s no way I’m going to beat that finalist I heard about who lost weight in order to be able to donate a kidney to her kid.  Who can beat that?

I keep promising everyone I’ll post recipes and I’ll do that soon!

The upshot was that our foods contain more sugar than ever, and it’s harder to get sugar out of our environment.  Eating sugar does help us feel better for a short amount of time, but ultimately an addictive cycle sets in that requires us to eat more sugar to get the same effect.  And sugar substitutes might produce the same effects.

It’s taken me a loooong time to pull out of my sugar addiction; really, I can’t say that I have totally.  But it’s a far cry from what it used to be.  I used to make homemade fudge (and it was damn good!).

Making my own food has definitely helped; I’m not getting a dose of corn syrup at every meal.  But I still want some sugar after lunch, and I usually have a Skinny Cow bar after dinner.  Not much, but I wonder if I’m keeping the addiction alive.

How do you deal with sugar?