Well, the resale value on this spaceship is absolutely f*cked.

Opening Everywhere: Star Trek Into Darkness

Maybe Opening Somewhere: Erased, The English Teacher

FilmDrunk Suggests: I expect Star Trek to be great, and a lot of my dorkier friends who don’t mind being jammed into crowded theaters at midnight told me that it was just that. I just figure that as people are still bitching and moaning about Iron Man 3 that this will be the next to be nitpicked to death. Oh the irony of imperfect people demanding perfection from films. They can’t all be RED.

“F*CK YO WINDOWS!”

Star Trek Into Darkness

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 87% critics, 89% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The conceptual sci-fi of the original series is nowhere to be found, though you might enjoy watching the skinny young actors approximate their counterparts from the 60s; Chris Pine is especially good as Captain Kirk.” – J.R. Jones, Chicago Reader

“For two movies in a row now — and possibly even more in the second than the first — [Abrams has] caught some of the spark of the first Star Trek without either mimicking or desecrating the original.” – Dana Stevens, Slate

Armchair Analysis: JJ Abrams told Jon Stewart recently that he didn’t like Star Trek as a kid (or something to that effect) and that caught my ear, because I absolutely hated the Star Trek TV series and movies. I sort of liked the Next Generation films, but it was always just a case of “These aren’t as good as The Last Starfighter” for me.

That said, I respect that people are so loyal to the original material and whatnot, but just like with the Star Wars prequels and upcoming films, I don’t get why people are so offended like they’re blasphemous. New material means reaching new audiences, and these new Star Trek films are great for guys like me because I watch them and I want to go back and understand more about the character and story history, just like Abrams.

So I guess I get that it sucks for the devout fans that these new films don’t dive deeper into the universe that Gene Roddenberry already created – “Origin stories suck, bro!” – but maybe let the rest of us catch up and we can all enjoy them together. Or just keep nitpicking and prosper.

“I swear, I left my career right here.”

Erased

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 24% critics, 37% audience (come on, how have 3,500 people seen this already?)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“’Erased’ is an entertaining enough action outing with plenty of well-done elements to recommend it.” – Kate Erbland, MSN Movies

“Eckhart and Liberato may not act as if they’re in Retread-land – Olga Kurylenko, meanwhile, as a CIA handler, barely acts at all – but this ‘Erased’ is eminently forgettable.” – Robert Abele, L.A. Times (YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH ABOUT OLGA, MISTER!)

Armchair Analysis: Everyone, please welcome Aaron Eckhart to the Bruce Willis Institute of Anything for a Paycheck. The head instructor, 50 Cent, will be with us shortly. Also, someone get Olga Kurylenko’s agent on the phone. She’s better than this.

More like TILF, amiright?

The English Teacher

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 44% critics, 16% audience (TURD ALERT)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Greg Kinnear does a nice supporting job as Jason’s dad.” – Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor (channeling Liz Lemon after a Jenna Maroney performance)

“The English Teacher reveals that a respectable cast and much noisy boisterousness isn’t enough to generate a single laugh.” – Nick Schager, Village Voice

Armchair Analysis: I had never heard of this film five minutes ago, and if you ask me about it in 10 minutes, I’ll haven’t heard of it then either.

The post Weekend Movie Guide: ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ Is Up Next For People To Hate appeared first on FilmDrunk.

This is probably old news for you guys, since parts of this made it into my review of Mr. Angel from SXSW, but with Mr. Angel playing this year’s QDoc: Portland’s Queer Documentary Film Festival, I got to chat with Buck again for the Portland Mercury. Read it if you like!

To say Buck Angel, subject of Dan Hunt’s new documentary Mr. Angel, is “just a regular dude” is both 100 percent true and demonstrably false, which is part of his allure. As seen in Mr. Angel—one of the highlights of this year’s QDoc: Portland’s Queer Documentary Film Festival—Buck is a muscular guy with facial hair and tattoos, as well as female genitalia that he’s not shy about being photographed with. “I love my vagina, don’t you love your vagina?” he famously asked Tyra Banks on an appearance on her show depicted in Mr. Angel. (“I dunno, it’s aiiight, I guess” was her response.)

[check out the rest at the Portland Mercury]

The post A quickie interview with Buck Angel appeared first on FilmDrunk.

Often times we choose our Florida Friday stories to reflect stories that could seemingly only happen in Florida – getting eating by a gator while running from cops, a police stand-off ending via shark. But today’s Florida Friday story is something that (theoretically) could’ve happened anywhere. Something that forces us to recognize Florida’s inherent humanity. Think of it as a “Florida is just like us” story. I mean, how many times have you been in the middle of an argument with your lover when you realize that the only thing that can properly convey your contempt for her mendacity is a spontaneous blast of hot ass wind? That’s the decision 53-year-old Willie Butler of Immokalee, Florida made this week, though he’d soon live to regret it.

A drunken Florida woman stabbed her boyfriend with an 8-inch blade after he farted in her face during an argument, police say.

Whot we’ve got heeeah, is a FAILURE to communicate.

Deborah Ann Burns, 37, allegedly knifed her lover of six years — Willie Butler, 53 — as they watched television in their Immokalee apartment last week. Burns told cops they were fighting about cash when Butler got up to go to the kitchen and broke wind on her head. She confronted him and things turned ugly.

Hell hath no fury like a woman farted on. Now, here’s where I have to pause the game tape. “She confronted him?” I tend to think that if a person is deliberately farting on another person’s head that the confrontation has long since begun.

— with Butler allegedly throwing a knife at her, which missed. Burns reportedly picked it up and threw it back and hit him in the stomach.

That’s just poetic justice. Assuming your idea of poetry is a drunken knife fight. Which mine is.

She ran outside, before returning to hit him with a stick on his left arm.

You know your woman’s pissed when you have an 8-inch blade sticking out of your gut, and the first thing she thinks to do is run outside to find a stick to hit you with. The normal idiom to indicate adding insult to injury is “twist the knife,” but even that bespeaks an a certain unwillingness to add bludgeoning to the mix.

Cops arrived to find a bleeding Butler, who was so drunk he could not give a statement, standing in front of his mailbox. Burns, who denies cutting Butler, was arrested and charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, reports 14News. |NYDailyNews|

“Agent Broderick Felixson, Special Fart Crimes Unit. I think I can handle things from here.”

The post Florida Friday: Man farts on girlfriend’s head during argument, sparking drunken knife fight appeared first on FilmDrunk.

Listen on the player above, or download this week’s episode as an mp3 here (right-click, “save as.”)

This week on the Frotcast, we bring on one of our favorite guests, San Francisco comedian Matt Lieb (@Lieb123456789), one half of the “Louv it or Lieb it” comedy duo along with Matt Louv. We answer your listener emails, discuss the local comedy scene, wonder what happened to Sinbad, and Matt tells us stories about hanging out with Third Eye Blind’s Stephen Jenkins (which leads to roughly the amount of impromptu singalongs you would expect).

Seriously though, the time flew by, and if you’ve never suggested the Frotcast to a friend, hey, maybe this is the week! Spread the love around!

Thanks to everyone who donated to the Kickstarter. I’m so very afraid. Check out Frotcast.com to sponsor the ‘cast or for even easier commenting.

Subscribe on iTunes (RATE THE PODCAST!). Download the Stitcher App and stream the Frotcast to your iPhone or Android device.

Email us at frotcast@gmail.com. Voicemail us at 415.275.0030. Follow me on Twitter. Follow Ben on Twitter. Follow Bret on Twitter. Follow Matt on Twitter. Fan us on Facebook.

The post Frotcast 152: Matt Lieb joins us for “dueling chest voices” appeared first on FilmDrunk.

In a story that’s been going around the internet for about a day and a half now, Kevin Williamson, a theater columnist for The National Review, is currently being hailed as a hero to anyone who’s ever lacked the balls to shush a fellow theater goer. While attending a performance of the musical Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812 this week, he was sitting next to a woman who refused to stop playing with her phone during the show. Eventually he took matters in to his own hands, grabbing the woman’s phone and chucking it towards an open door, never to be seen again. (I say “defenestrates,” because it’s possible it went out a window, and hey, it’s a fun word).

I suppose it should be noted that this whole story came from Williamson himself.

“The main offenders were two parties of women of a certain age, the sad sort with too much makeup and too-high heels, and insufficient attention span for following a two-hour musical. But my date spoke with the theater management during the intermission, and they apologetically assured us that the situation would be remedied. It was not.”

I’m assuming the age he means is 4, but I’ve been watching a lot of Toddlers and Tiaras lately. Gothamist picks up the story from there…

Once the performance resumed, the woman sitting to Williamson’s right on his bench would not, he says, stop using her cell phone. “It looked like she was Googling or something,” Williamson tells us. “So I leaned over and told her it was distracting and told her to put it away. She responded, ‘So don’t look.’ ”

Blood boiling, Williamson says he then asked her, sarcastically, “whether there had been a special exemption for her about not using her phone during the play. She told me to mind my own business, and so I took the phone out of her hands. I meant to throw it out the side door, but it hit some curtains instead. I guess my aim’s not as good as it should be.” Asked if the phone was damaged, Williamson says, “It had to be; I threw it a pretty good distance.”

According to Williamson, the woman then slapped him in the face and, after failing to find her phone, stormed out. Soon the show’s security director asked to “have a word” with Williamson, and they stepped out into the lobby. “I told him I would be happy to leave,” Williamson recalls. “They tried to keep me there. He said the lady was talking about filing charges. So I waited around for a bit, but it seemed to be taking a while. He did try to physically keep me in, and was standing in the door blocking me, telling me I couldn’t leave. I inquired as to whether he was a police officer and I was under arrest, and since I wasn’t, I left.”

A publicist for the production did not immediately respond to a request for comment. But if the cell phone user decides to press charges, Williamson says he’s willing to face her in court.

This is one of those things that most people want to do when presented with someone being rude in the theater, but we usually don’t, for two reasons:

1. We don’t want to cause even more of a disturbance than the rude person is already being by confronting them. This seems to have played out exactly as most of us fear in this instance.

2. We don’t want to get beaten up by the person we’re shushing or worse, stabbed with a meat thermometer.

The key factor that allowed Williamson to act was the fact he was watching musical theater. Let’s be honest, there are few places in the world where you can be more assured of not getting your ass kicked than in the audience for musical theater. And the fear of causing an even bigger disturbance was in this case mitigated by the fact that it was only going to disturb more musical theater. In any case, cheers to Kevin Williamson, for his perfectly logical response.

The post Vigilante Theater Critic Defenestrates Rude Broad’s Cell Phone appeared first on FilmDrunk.

Here we have the trailer for Last Vegas, directed by Jon Turteltaub (National Treasure, Sorcerer’s Apprentice) and written by Adam Brooks (Bridget Jones Diary, Practical Magic) and Dan Fogelman (Crazy Stupid Love, Fred Claus), a creative dream team united by their love of collecting easy paychecks. Like all horrible paycheck movies, everything you need to know about it is in the title. Four old guys – Robert Deniro, Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman, and Kevin Kline – are getting back together for one wild weekend in Vegas for Michael Douglas’s bachelor party, and to the actors’ credit, none of them seem to mind that Al Pacino and Christopher Walken already made this movie like three months ago. Like an uncredited sequel to Michael Haneke’s Amour, it’s an unflinching look at the ravages of Father Time, who’ll gradually take away everything you have, starting with the ability to recognize when a script is patronizing you.

How long did you think it would take them to get to a “sharing their prescription drugs with strippers” joke? If you guessed 18 seconds, DING DING DING, stab yourself in the Viagra boner because you just won the dogshit movie sweepstakes. Be sure to collect your whoopie cushion and commemorative drool napkin on the way out.

Opens November, just in time for Oscar season.

The post Trailer for ‘Last Vegas,’ the first film written entirely by fart robot appeared first on FilmDrunk.

This Cat Loves Ice Cream. Its Owner Loves It |Video Gum|

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Morning Links 

Watching GIFs In Reverse Makes Everything Better |UPROXX|

Guy Fieri’s New Book Appears To Be Every Bit The Literary Abortion You Thought It Would Be |

“If I showed you all the money shots in Pacific Rim, you’d have a 70-minute orgasm.” |Film Drunk|

The Arrested Development Frozen Banana Stand Popped Up At Yankee Stadium |With Leather|

‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ Is Great, Until… |Gamma Squad|

#DMXWeek – Earl Simmons’ 5 Best Movie Roles |Smoking Section|

Gallery: Evan Mathis, Guy Who Pees On Things |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

The Stages of Being a Kanye West Fan at a Kanye West Show |Grantland|

11 Strange Movie Job Titles—Explained! |Mental Floss|

7 Technology-Friendly Sex Positions |College Humor|

Tracing The Office’s rise from midseason also-ran to nine-season behemoth |AV Club|

Miley Cyrus Wasn’t Even The Hottest Person At The Maxim HOT 100 Party |The Superficial|

The 10 Most Anticipated Cable Drama Series of 2014 |Pajiba|

15 Most Ridiculous Zombie Movies |Next Movie|

10 Ambercrombie & Fitch Advertisements We’d Like To See |Pop Hangover|

The post Morning Links: CAT WOULD RATHER BREAK THE CONE THAN LET YOU HAVE IT BACK appeared first on FilmDrunk.

Guillermo Del Toro’s Pacific Rim has a new trailer out, and, as Del Toro told the audience at the Los Angeles Times Hero Complex Film Festival where he premiered it over the weekend:

If I showed you all the money shots [in Pacific Rim], you’d have a 70 minute orgasm.

That’s right, a 70-minute orgasm. Or as Sting calls it, “the kind of pathetic, unfulfilling sex I was having back in grade school.”

You can watch the new trailer below, which is basically more of the same. Not that I can complain when “the same” includes giant robots smashing pterodactyl monsters in the face with a battleship. This trailer provides a little more exposition, including the mind-meld link between the robot jox… er, jaeger pilots… and the new tagline, “GO BIG… OR GO EXTINCT.” I would’ve gone with “THIS SUMMER… PUNCH YOUR PROBLEMS IN THE FACE”, but what do I know.

Just a reminder that everyone should go see this so I can win our Fantasy Summer Box Office contest this year.

The post “If I showed you all the money shots in Pacific Rim, you’d have a 70-minute orgasm.” appeared first on FilmDrunk.

We were looking (hoping?) for a motive in the case of Kai the Homefree Hitchhiker, currently wanted for the murder of a 73-year-old lawyer in New Jersey, and it seems we may have found one. Kai posted this to his Facebook page on Tuesday (thanks to Jim for the tip):

what would you do if you woke up with a groggy head, metallic taste in your mouth, in a strangers house… walked to the mirror and seen come dripping from the side of your face from your mouth, and started wretching, realizing that someone had drugged, raped, and blown their f*ckin load in you? what would you do?

I’m not sure my answer to this question would be “bash the guy’s skull in with a blunt object,” but then I’ve never found myself in that situation (knock on wood). Obviously, he could just be making up a story to excuse himself for (yet again) cracking someone’s skull, but at the very least, this would seem to be a clue as to what Kai’s legal defense is going to be.

Obviously, the kid’s got some demons, but… I don’t know, I’m not sure if I’m wrong for holding out hope that he’s not a cold-blooded murderer. If the guy who got his brains bashed in turned out to be a rapist, would that make this story better? That’s dark, but yeah, I guess it kind of would. It’s a sad irony that living off the generosity of strangers seems to expose you to the worst of humanity as often as it does to the best. Sorry this post wasn’t very funny.

The post Kai seems to allege sexual assault as motive in his murder case appeared first on FilmDrunk.

Well, I kinda figured this story would eventually get really sad, but what could we do? It was fun at the time. The sad twist today brings us is that Internet sensation Kai the Homefree Hitchhiker, he of the “Smash smash suh-mash” hatchet incident in my hometown of Fresno and Jimmy Kimmel appearances, is now wanted for the murder of a 73-year-old attorney in New Jersey.

A man known on the internet as “Kai the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker” is now being sought for the murder of a man in northern New Jersey, and police say he was last seen in the area of Haddonfield, Camden County.
The suspect is identified as Caleb Lawrence McGillvary, a 34-year-old who is well known on Facebook and YouTube.
An arrest warrant has been issued for McGillvary in the homicide of Joseph Galfy, Jr. in Clark, New Jersey, WABC-TV in New York reports.
The victim, Joseph Galfy, was found inside his home on Starlite Drive on May 13, 2013 after officers received a call to check on his well-being.
An autopsy performed the following day determined that Galfy died as a result of blunt force trauma, said Union County Prosecutor Theodore J. Romankow.
Based on the investigation, authorities know that McGillvary has cut his hair in an attempt to alter his appearance.
He was last seen at a light rail station in Haddonfield, N.J. area, said Romankow. He is considered to be armed and dangerous.
The Union County Homicide Task Force is working with local, state, and Federal officials to locate McGillvary. He is charged with murder in Union County and bail has been set at $3 million by Superior Court Judge Stuart Peim.

I’m still holding out hope that there’s more to this story than just Kai killing this guy in cold blood. During his first interview, he did reveal that in addition to bashing the psychopathic, racist, attempted car-murderer with a hatchet in the incident that made him famous, that he had previously knocked a guy’s teeth out in an orchard, but only because the guy was talking about raping women. I don’t know how to find a nice middle ground here between not disparaging the dead and hoping that Kai was just being a righteous vigilante again. He did describe bashing a guy in the head with a hatchet as ““f*ckin’ gnarly man. It was like the biggest wave I’ve ever ridden in my life,” so I hope he didn’t just get addicted to the thrill of it.

Is it really so much to ask that the charmingly insane don’t turn out to be just insane-insane? You’re a real downer, reality, you know that?

This obviously takes on a darker edge after today’s news:

The original interview:

The post Say it Ain’t So! Kai the Hitchhiker wanted for murder in New Jersey appeared first on FilmDrunk.