Welcome to the NFC West where the Seahawks were moved to because they couldnt compete verse the winning ways of the Chiefs, Chargers, Broncos, and Raiders. Lets climb to the top together!

St. Louis Rams:

Jeff Fisher- Jeffs a average head coach who lasted for the better part of a decade trusting offenses to guys like Warren Moon Steve Mcnair and Vince Young which tells me if Im Sam Bradford I need to be looking over my shoulder not dislocating it. Really Fish is on here because of his activist competition comittee work where he is turning the NFL into powderpuff. What Fisher just cant get through his thick mustache is that if you encourage headshots youll get more injurys which will actually serve to make players want to hit each other in the head less- its natural learning and its more affective than forcing rules. Youll have to forgive me for not trusting a guy who outlaws kickoffs because too many guys are out there getting there brains nicked, and meanwhile tries to hire Gregg Williams to coach his Defense.

Tavon Austin- This isnt the greatest show on turf anymore probly because Tavons cousins smoked it all up folks. Sorry to all you WVU apologists who are having this read to you by your cousin whose in a Ohio jail but the only 3 letters you smoke on Sundays in St Louis are B-B-Q not T-H-C. It might be premature to put Austin on here considering he hasnt cost the gRams a game by shanking a official or letting his pitbull pop every gameball yet but sometimes you dont have to wait for the boxscore in the Post-Dispatch to know a guys bad news.

Tony Softli- Tony was the Rams VP of player personell for the Rams for 4 years+ I swear to God this is his own bio, these words are him bragging by listing the best players he stockpiled from 2006-2010: “Adam Carriker, Chris Long, Cliff Ryan, Donnie Avery, Keenan Burton, Chris Chamberlain and David Vobora.” Hey PFTCommenter? Yes. How many of those gems are on the Rams now? I dont know because I dont waste my time learning facts about Tony Softli. Oh well I know the answer. Well how many is it? The answer= 1. Whats amazing is that Softli Cerrato and Millen were all personell execs at the same time and you know Tampa hotels were a mess during winter meetings with these three stooges staying on the same floor using there own undershirts to wipe there butts and stuff.

Lawrence Philips- The guys currently serving a million years for driving a truck into a group of teenagers after a flag football game which is what Alec Ogletrees NFL career looks like in 10 years if De Smith has his way with the game. The Rams got rid of Jerome Bettis to make room for Phillips which virtually decimated the greater St. Louis Plumbing industry and also marked the 1st time anyones career has ever improved after moving to Pittsburgh.

Seattle Pharmaseahawks:

Jerramy Stevens- His rap sheet reads like a slightly shorter version of his future sons. Stevens was first arested for rape then for a hit and run where he drove his truck into a retirement home in the first of 3 DUIs. He averaged 3.37 YAC and .019 BAC over the 8 years he played but he will be most remembered for his 2 Superbowl drops verse the Steelers. Kommenter Dylan says: “Stone hands were very useful however, for hitting women.” He also married goalkeeper/pornstar name-haver Hope Solo and there kid will get kicked out of FSU in 2031 for going on a bender and sexualy assaulting the entire Seminoles volleyball team while wearing eyeblack at night for some reason. Jerra-Me will probably tell you hes a victim of race profiling but Im not racist just because Im going to pull over the only black guy on campus at UW to see just what hes up to out here.

Shaun Alexander- Shauns the opposite of a factorback,, hed sooner run for the sidelines instead of maintaining northsouth discipline and engaging at the point of attack. Since he had Road-Grader Steve Hutchison clearing the way for him he got touched less during his time in Seattle than his wife. Shaun was the type guy who made his way toward a endzone like Billy from Famly Circus trying to get home from school. Not to be sexist but Shauns MVP must of stood for Most Vagina Player because i could of led the league in rushing and TDs with Mack Strong, Hutchison and Walter Jones clearing the way for me. Shaun never won anything meaningful even though he played in the worst division in the history of organized sport’s so its no suprise he’s here considering his career could easily be defined as King of Turd Mountain.

Brian Bosworth- White men are still struggling to overcome the hole Boz dug for us. The guy set our cause back 20 years through all his hotdogging and me-first showmenship. This guy had so many stupid redflags as a college player Lovie Smith tried to hire him as a replay consultant. The Boz got kicked out of school by Barry Switzer which should take him off any sane GMs big board BTW, then he co-authored a book with Rick Reilly which for all you fans of reading things is a absolute classic of a novel the only difficult part was telling when it was Brian talking and when it was Rick. FYI Here’s how Boz entered the NFL: Before the supplemental draft he wrote letters to teams he didnt want to play for telling them not to draft him, then he sued the league after he got picked by the Seahawks demanding he be allowed 2 wear number 44 as a linebacker all before he got a single gamespeed rep in, basically he was a Lance Briggs you could take home to mom and dad. Whether it was telling the league where to stick it, or his “trainer” where to stick a needle, the Boz was already calling the shots.

Dan McGwire- The Seahawks drafted McGwire because he was Mark McGwires little brother. They actually took him over Farve and probly did Brett a favor so he didnt have to walk through that lockeroom after playing in all that cold rain all the time. At 6’8 Dans the tallest QB to ever “play” in the NFL even though he only started 3 games and probably made him wish the Hawks had taken Ozzie Canseco instead. Dan now currently owns a Vitamin beverage company in Reno which you have to imagine is about as lucrative as owning a Lombardi trophy store in Seattle.

49ers:

Terrell Owens- I knew the second TO pulled that sharpie exactly what he was going to do. Hes certaintly not going to write the great american novel out there, hes going to write the only words he knows how to spell. The act itself was pretty bad but the thing is it ushered in a new wave of Diva Receivas that would last until Chad Johnson was cut on national television. All of a sudden youve got your teenage Titus Youngs, DeSean Jacksons, Santonio Homeses and a Dez Bryant carrying sharpies in there sock on the streets even though a teacher couldnt get them to pick up a number 2 pencil.

Kwame Harris- I mean come on

Mike Singleterry- Mike was a wild animal linebacker for the old Ditka Bears but the only stinkeye he brought to the 9ers was in the lockeroom at halftime folks. I dont mind a coach pulling down trousers to motivate his team but if your going to do that you have to go full Majerus and leave a little suprise for the refs next time you throw the challenge flag. Mike wanted winners but drafting guys like Mike Crabtree and Taylor Mays Im not sure if he was drafting based on best player available or who had higher Wild ‘n Out high score.

Michael Crabtree- Here are some jokes I wrote about being a Diva Receiva ( its to funny if you read them in your Foxworthy voice):

1. If you like your women in the same age range that you like your jersey numbers,,, you might be a diva receiva

2. If your agents top selling rap album debuted higher then your draft position,,, you might be a diva receiva

3. If it takes you less time to run the 40 then it did to look a GM in the eye when they ask you if your moms a whore,,, you might be a diva receiva

Arizona Cardinals:

Matt Leinart- Judging by the amount of trampstamps i see in Leinarts twitter feed I think hes got comeback player of the year locked down folks. Leinart came out of USC majoring in ballroom dancing which explains all the pictures of him out there wearing only athletic shorts 2 strip clubs. MATT LEINART FACT: He was born with permenent cross-eyes and had to wear special glasses and was a obese kid. Basicly his life is a male version of Shes All That if Rachel Leigh Cook had broken her collarbone in 7 places during rehearsals and lost her starring role in the school play to a creepy 40 year old gymteacher with a lesbian wife.

Jake the Snake Plummer- What a perfect name for a QB who was so full of crap he eventually got replaced by a undiagnosed dibetic with lower blood sugar then Jakes total QBR. Jake had one good season which was just one way the QBs career reminded many league cirlces of the miniseries Roots the way he served as the old NFC east whipping boy all those years.

2010-2013 QB controversys- They started Derek Anderson, John Skelton, Max Hall, Kevin Kolb, John Skelton, Kevin Kolb, then they went BACK to John Skelton, Ryan Lindley, and Bryan Hall but at some point you have to look at your receivers and Larry Fitzgerald is the one constant over these 3 years, maybe the number 11 stands for who hes really looking out for twice as much.

Dennis Green- Between Leinart and Greens son Jeremy i dont know what Dennis is teaching young people but you know it involves 11 year olds, hottubs, and cocaine. His time in the dessert is mostly known for making a fool out himself screaming about Bears being who they thought they were which was a much better team then the Cardinals. Greens autobiography was titled No Room for Crybabies which was the anti-thesis of the title of Jeremys external hard drive.

So long to the NFC West next up we’re heading South to the Aints, Sucks, Terriblina, and the team whose DJs forget to say “no offense” before hilarious Steve Gleason bits so send me your nominations below or pftcommenter@gmail.com

Vikings rookie punter Jeff Locke is having a productive session of OTAs. For instance, kicker Blair Walsh made a Vine showing off Locke’s placeholding skills at various places in the team headquarters, including inside the laundry cart. That’s a lot of wacky, Blair Walsh. See, everyone thought Chris Kluwe got dismissed because he’s a friend of the gays. Quite the contrary, the team actually needed someone who can grip a ball in the shower.

Other original images via Yahoo!

The last time the Buffalo Bills made the playoffs was 1999. The team has finished below .500 for the past eight seasons. That ineptitude is due to a multitude of factors, but mostly the Bills want to complain about how they’re getting screwed over by the NFL’s scheduling department:

Assembling an NFL schedule with 32 teams, bye weeks and at least one prime time appearance for every club is no easy task. The painstaking work in crafting a schedule that works has been well documented. However, since the league instituted the 13-week Thursday night prime time schedule in 2012 there are a handful of teams that have been handed a big disadvantage in terms of preparation time for their next opponent.

Almost every NFL club now appears on the Thursday night schedule in a given season. Those that don’t are on Sunday or Monday night. Coupled with those alternative game dates appears to be a perception that the shortened weeks on the front end for Thursday night participants or the extra rest for players and prep time for coaching staffs for the game that follows will even out. That has not proven to be the case.

One of the teams that have been at a decided scheduling disadvantage has been the Buffalo Bills.

Last year Buffalo had four games in a five-week span in which their opponent had extra rest and prep time via a bye week or having played a Thursday night game the week prior. In that span the Bills also had their own bye week, but the benefits were nullified by the fact that their opponent (Houston) also had a bye the same week.

Buffalo went 1-3 in those games in 2012.

This year’s schedule is unfortunately playing out in much the same fashion. In this year’s 2013 NFL slate Buffalo faces five opponents that will come off of extra rest leading up to the week that they face the Bills.

The writer crunched the numbers and figured out that the Bills will face more teams with extra rest than any other in the NFL this season, whereas division rival New England will face none. Could that be a detriment to Buffalo’s chances? Perhaps. Of course, there have been studies that extra travel time hurts West Coast teams and you don’t see them bellyaching about it on their official sites.

Unfortunately, the issue has more to do with the NFL shoehorning in a Thursday night game every week rather than trying to stack the deck against a non-marquee team. Unfortunately, a few teams are going to get the short end of the stick each year. More often than not, it’s going to be teams not appearing on Sunday and Monday night games. And until the Bills make a habit of winning more often, that’s not gonna be them.

Giant snakes have figured out how to open doors, so RIP all of us. Hopefully we’ll last long enough to see some of the next NFL season. In the meantime, some links:

– Darrelle Revis reportedly paid Mark Barron $50,000 for the rights to jersey no. 24 with the Buccaneers. Business idea: squat on jersey numbers across professional sports team then reap the riches when stars sign. This is totally feasible. I am not a crackpot.

– This year’s Rookie Symposium will address the subject of sexual orientation, specifically how to patronize Kerry Rhodes when he tries to convince future teammates how straight he is.

– The Falcons are going forward with the crazy stadium design with the tight butthole roof and the rumble pack seats. When the snakes make their final move on the humans, the climatic scene will take place there.

– 44 photos from the Patriots cheerleader calendar shoot in St. Lucia.

– Does getting hot at the end of the season mean promising things for the following year? The numbers say… eh, not really.

– Steve Gleason accepted the apology from the Atlanta sports talk DJs who made fun of him the other day. Big of him. If I had ALS or any other debilitating condition, I’d make people feel bad even if they didn’t do anything. Which is why I’m a terrible person and Steve Gleason is not.

– Joe Theismann weighs in on the Redskins name controversy, says he feels proud to have played for a team called the Redskins. He claims a Native American once told him he’s an honorary Redskin. So, hey, not a slur since he’s one of them, right?

“Kiss the rings, kids.”

Chris Christie has larger political aspirations than the governorship of New Jersey, an office he’s held for three years. So it can be argued that it doesn’t matter that he continues to alienate his constituents of mostly Giants, Jets and Eagles fans by telling them he roots for the Cowboys.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie made his political advisers sweat when he again expressed his love for the Dallas Cowboys and New York Rangers in a Q&A with elementary school students.

“Get ready for a nervous moment,” Christie warned a gymnasium full of students at New Jersey’s Samsel Upper Elementary School in Parlin on Tuesday. “My favorite football team is not the New York Giants. It’s not the New York Jets. And it’s not the Philadelphia Eagles. No, get ready now. My favorite football team are the Dallas Cowboys.”

And that’s when Chris Christie immediately regretted scheduling his appearance to coincide with “Bring Your Batteries to School” week.

“When I was your age, I was a big fan of Roger Staubach, who was the quarterback for the Cowboys back then,” Christie said, explaining his love for the out-of-state football team. “And the Giants and the Jets pretty much stunk when I was a kid.”

Perhaps that’s a questionable reason to latch on to a hated team as a kid, but at least he’s stuck with the Cowboys over the years, through the good times and the Romo times. The only thing worse than a Cowboys fan is a fan who swaps allegiance.

Now to convince Christie to take on Jerry Jones as a running mate in 2016.

via LSUFreek

It wasn’t long ago that the Patriots had an unstoppable duo of pass-catching tight ends. But Rob Gronkowski’s body has been poisoned by crotch rot plus multiple surgeries. All of a sudden, it’s Gronk’s complement, Aaron Hernandez, who is having issues. Hernandez is being questioned by police as part of a homicide investigation relating to the death of a 27-year-old man found dead less than a mile from Hernandez’s home.

Hernandez isn’t believed to be a suspect in the case (though there are 10 cop cars at his home), but has enough of a connection to evidence that police wanted a word with him.

A vehicle rented in his name has emerged as a key piece of evidence in the investigation. The Sun Chronicle of Attleboro, Mass., reported on Tuesday that police identified a rented 2013 Chevrolet Suburban with Rhode Island license plates in connection with the possible homicide. According to the paper, the vehicle is registered to Enterprise and investigators were hoping to analyze it for fingerprints. A source said Hernandez’s name is tied to that rental vehicle.

It’s early, so it’s possible nothing worse will come of this and Hernandez will be back making it rain on the football field at the start of the season. Or Aaron Hernandez is a stone-cold Rae Carruthian monster and only Jake Ballard and the three dozen other tight ends on the Patriots roster can keep Tebow from getting snaps there.

Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE OF THE DAY.  BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU HEAR THOSE ATLANTA RADIO GUYS MAKING FUN OF STEVE GLEASON?

Herm: THE ONLY RADIO I LISTEN TO IS CAR TALK.

Jon: THESE ATLANTA TALK SHOW JABRONIS, THEY MADE FUN OF THIS GUY WITH LOU GEHRIG’S DISEASE.  AND STEVE GLEASON, LEMME TELL YA, HE BLOCKS PUNTS, HE PLAYS SPECIAL TEAMS AND HE THRIVES IN SPITE OF A DEGENERATIVE NEUROLOGICAL CONDITION.  HE’S A REAL GRUDEN GRINDER.  SO I INVITED SI.COM MEDIA CRITIC RICHARD DEITSCH TO TALK ABOUT THE PROBLEMS WITH TALK RADIO.  RICHARD, HOW YA DOIN’?

Richard: I’m doing well.

Jon: SO RICHARD, WHAT’S THE PROBLEM WITH SPORTS TALK RADIO?  SEEMS LIKE THESE GUYS ARE SPOUTIN’ OFF STUPID OPINIONS WHEN THEY SHOULD BE WATCHING TAPE.

Richard: Well most forms of media have been at a race to the bottom for a while now.  With sports talk radio you have low barriers to entry, minimal controls over on-air content, and underpaid staff.  Taken together, it produces a toxic atmosphere for sports journalism.

Jon: I HEAR YA, SOUNDS LIKE MY LAST YEAR AT THE RAIDERS.  AL DAVIS TOOK AWAY STARBUCKS AND GAVE US SANKA –  THAT’S WHY WE DIDN’T BEAT THE PATRIOTS.

Herm: IF YOU DON’T GIVE EMPLOYEES FREE COFFEE THEY WON’T PERFORM WELL.

Richard: Well the larger point is that you can produce good sports talk radio if you invest in it.  Hosts like Dan Patrick and Scott Van Pelt cost money because they’re talented enough for other mediums.  Cheap station owners can pay shock jocks peanuts and leave them with little oversight.  It’ll garner good ratings but it can blow up in their faces, as we just saw.

Jon: YOU NEED LEADERSHIP TO STEER YOUR TALENT.  THAT’S WHY RICH GANNON’S CAREER WENT OFF THE RAILS AFTER BILL CALLAHAN TOOK OVER.

Herm: CHAD PENNINGTON WOULD HAVE MADE THE PRO BOWL IF IT WEREN’T FOR ME.

Richard: I agree that problems start at the top.  It shouldn’t absolve these hosts of guilt, but the people who run these stations deserve to be punished too.  The Falcons should look into dropping 790 AM as their flagship station so station owners know that they can’t just throw cheap shock jocks on the air without consequence.

Jon: THIS 790, I CALL IT JOHN ABRAHAM BECAUSE THE FALCONS HAVE NO USE FOR IT ANY MORE.

Richard: And it would make a big statement because the Saints and Falcons are such bitter rivals.

Jon: LEMME TELL YA, BITTER RIVALS CAN COME TOGETHER IN TRYING TIMES.  RIGHT AFTER THE 9/11 ATTACKS MIKE SHANAHAN AND I WENT TO A STRIP CLUB IN OAKLAND TOGETHER.  REALLY MADE US THINK.

Herm: YOU GO TO A PLACE WITH A FREE HOT BUFFET TO THINK.

Richard: Well, it would be a sign that NFL teams would be united against this type of crassness.

Jon: RICHARD, I READ YOU LOUD AND CLEAR.  THE NFL HAS TO STICK TOGETHER.  WHETHER IT’S FIGHTING INJUSTICE OR FIGURING OUT A WAY TO DEFEND THE ZONE READ WITH A HYBRID SAFETY-LINEBACKER POSITION THAT I CALL THE ACE OF SPADES, THE LEAGUE NEEDS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT’S BEST FOR THE SHIELD.

Herm: UNITED WE STAND, DIVIDED WE FALL.

Richard: I’ve lost you.

Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK.  PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.

Herm: TIME FOR VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR.

An NFL team reportedly approached David Beckham about trying out as a kicker. There’s no indication of interest on Beckham’s part, but even the fact that an NFL team thought it was remotely possible qualifies as NFL news in the middle of June. Bottom of the barrel, folks.

It’s a cute thought, but it doesn’t sound too likely to ever happen. Furthermore, there’s only room for one Tom Brady in the NFL.

Oh hell yes. It’s not often we get two evenly matched killing machines, so this is a rare treat. NatGeo tries to ruin it by superimposing sword-fighting sounds when the scorpion tails clash. Really, how much do you really need to dress up a SCORPION DEATHMATCH? Just let the killing speak for itself. Try as they might, they can’t dilute the awesomeness on display.