On a day where our very own Matron Saint was implicated in a tawdry scandal, I think we all deserve a hot injection of Adriana Lima into our evening. Thanks to reader Crista for the pics. WOOHOO!

(more mildly NSFW after the “yump”)

Welcome back for another fun week of poorly thought out wagers. While you’re sitting there reading this I’m locked in a very large warehouse counting a lot of stuff while trying to limit my dust intake. Good times. Anyway, I was able to find three of the world’s foremost football prognosticators to assist with this week’s picks.

Smooth Jimmy Apollo: I hereby declare the Lions Smooth Jimmy’s Lock of the Week. When you lose 90% of the time you’re bound to win 10% of the time.

Unnamed Sportscaster: I declare the Colts to be my Shoe-In of the Week. And I really wish that Jay Kogen had given me a name. I am so lonely.

Professor Frink: After analyzing millions of pieces of data, the Gamble Tron 2000 says the winner is… the Falcons, by 200 points?!

In all seriousness, I have a machine that tells me to pick the Falcons every week. It has become sentient, and I have come to fear for my well being. Enjoy the games, and please never listen to anyone’s gambling advice. People are stupid. Stupider than machines.

Billy “I Own Four TV’s” Simmons had an article detailing the Pats 4th and 2 call from Sunday Night. It contains the usual assortment of Simmons arguments that he deems irrefutable. But forget all that. Look at this:

Seattle loves me for defending its Sonics after Clay Bennett hijacked them and moved them elsewhere. If there was ever a place I could get out of a speeding ticket, it’s Seattle. Or so I thought.

And he walked away with my license.

Someone buy this cop a fucking steak and a blowjob. It’s one thing to pull the “Do you know who I am?” bullshit with a cop. It’s another to assume that people will find that story charming. Oh, and Simmons also uses his column to brag that he used to watch 12 hours of football every Sunday when he was in elementary school, which is funny because Sunday Night Football didn’t start until 1987, when he was 18 years old. Bill Simmons is a FUCKING IDIOT. YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I PUT THAT IN ALL CAPS, BECAUSE THAT MAKES MY POINT INARGUABLE.

Yesterday it was announced that Tony Dungy will head the Players Advisory Forum, a group that will serve as a intermediary between players who want to bitch and the league executives who want to ignore them. Already committed to the cause is a religious nut (Kurt Warner), a phony dickbag who conveniently adopted religion to cover for his sordid past (Ray Lewis) and Brian Dawkins (Brian Dawkins).

Now, Dungy has already played guardian angel for Michael Vick. He’s trying to do it again with some college football coach. But what’s his angle? If there’s anything I distrust, it’s a guy with a savior complex. I search for greed and self-interest in the basis for every action. Why? BECAUSE EVERYONE IS GREEDY AND SELF-INTERESTED!

Therefore, I must conclude that Dungy is starting a cult. A big awesome football cult. I bet he’ll call it the Indianapolis Cults (ba-zing?).

Now, I have no problem with cults. One of my uncles is actually in one. Growing up, I’d only see him at holidays, but he seemed a fairly normal and affable guy. As a teenager, I began picking up on the fact that in-laws commented that they never knew where his income came from, and they joked that he was probably a drug dealer (he lives in Miami, which is for drug dealers what D.C. is for lawyers). Then finally when I was about to graduate high school, they dropped the bombshell on me that he joined a cult right after he got out of college. “Who’s the cult leader?” I would ask. At the time he joined, it was some Indian kid who was anointed a deity at birth, which sounds like a pretty sweet deal for the kid. I’m guessing he’s a grown-up deity now. “So what does he do for the cult?” I would press. They didn’t know entirely, but they’d answer, “well, he mostly flies around on The Guru’s jet.”

I know Waco gave cults a bad name, but my uncle got a good arrangement at this benign cult where he would just fly around everywhere on jets and party with crazy cult floozies. My conclusion: CULTS. ARE. AWESOME.

Sadly, I never got in on the lazy floozy banging cult life. Instead, I became a layabout blogger. But this cult sounds like it could work. Add football to the equation, and I want in on the ground floor of Dungy’s football cult. I imagine hating the gays will be a big part of it, which I can’t say I would be crazy about. Me and the gays got no beef. But if they got a sweet jet, then shit, all bets are off, gays. Sorry.

Anyway, this is a roundabout way of me saying Ray Lewis is going against Dungy’s former team this weekend. But Terrell Suggs is out, so even though the Ravens were already boned against the Colts, they’re extra boned now.

Here’s the NFL Play 60 ad with Breesus, DeMarcus Ware and Troy Polamalu cavorting and capering on the South Lawn of the White House that will air beginning Thanksgiving weekend. C’mon Troy, I know you have a PCL sprain, but you should be able to cover a middle aged socialist Mooslim.

Here’s other NFL marginalia in bullet form.

We had some great questions submitted after lunch today, and that’s too bad, because the bulk of the mailbag is always written the night before. Wednesday, people. That’s the best time to submit questions.

Now, on to the mailbag! Some compelling stuff this week, including HPV, the trade deadline, the Nuva Ring, my dong, shrooms, Chad Henne, Rod Tidwell, veterans in college, high school handjobs, and MILFS! MILFS! MILFS!

Hi,
Long time (female) reader, first time writer. So, I went for an annual exam a few weeks ago and tested positive for HPV. Apparently, something like 75% of sexually active adults will contract it at some point in their lives. A few more facts: Most people will shed the virus within 6 months or a year and never suffer any ill effects. You don’t have to have sex to spread the virus. Condoms aren’t 100% effective at stopping transmission. Guys can’t even be tested for it; the only way to know is if genital warts appear.

Some more facts: condoms aren’t 100% effective at stopping anything, but you should still use them. Oh, and the strains of HPV that aren’t harmless cause cervical cancer. Cancer kills people.

Now there’s a guy in the picture and I want to know whether the Gay Mafia thinks he needs to be told. We used to live in the same area (but have stayed in touch since moving); now we’re about six hours apart. We’ve never had sex, but have been intimate otherwise. In fact, odds are that I picked this up from him, or I’ve already exposed him to it. He’s planning to visit soon and I’m unsure what to do. I really care about this guy and want to do the right thing: should I tell him the whole situation or keep my mouth shut? If I tell him, I’d prefer to do so in person, but would he rather know before he drives 350 miles to see me? So many questions!
Thanks,
Confused

Guhhhh. Don’t you at least have an easy fantasy football question?

You’re right that HPV is widespread and usually harmless. And frankly, he’s likely never going to know if he has it — unless you share a warty strain with him, in which case: you’re the girl that gave him genital warts. Not the best way to ingratiate yourself to someone you care about.

As usual, I think honesty is the best policy. Tell him about your annual check-up, and let him know that there’s a good chance that he gave it to you/you shared it with him already because you’ve only had X number of sexual partners since your last check-up, where X is the smallest believable number you can get away with. The good news is that this conversation is best held in person, so wear a low-cut top while breaking the news and you’ll be breaking out the condoms for a weekend of safe sex in no time.

Dear KSK,
My girlfriend uses the Nuva Ring for birth control, and it’s fantastic–it’s just as effective as the pill but she doesn’t have to remember to take it every day, and I don’t have to wear a condom. Awesome. And 99% of the time, you never know the thing is in there. However, once in a while when we have sex that’s a little more frisky than the usual, I will wind up with the Nuva Ring around my cock at the end. I find this hilarious and like to pretend I just won a ring-toss game at the fair. No real question, just wondering if yourself or any of the commenters have had any similar experiences with the Nuva Ring. Thanks.
-Ringer

Personally, I’m not a huge fan of the Nuva Ring. A few years back I got my then-girlfriend pregnant while she was on it, and more recently I dislodged one during sex, leading to a lost Nuva Ring that knocked my girl’s cycle out of whack and forced an unscheduled trip to the gynecologist.

However, my experiences are not the norm, as most men are less virile and incapable of the sexual gymnastics I perform. Oh, and to answer your question: my penis has too much girth to get the Nuva Ring around it. Call me, ladies!

Dear Men of KSK,
Sex: I’ve been going out with this girl for nearly a year and our anniversary is coming up. When I met her she was a total hippie but she’s made a lot of changes and is always doing things for me. For our anniversary she wanted to have sex on shrooms because she said it was one of the best feelings she’s ever had. I’ve never done shrooms and I’m not exactly comfortable with the idea. Am I being unfair if I don’t do this one thing for her?

Nope. Whether it’s drinking, smoking, or doing drugs, a person in a relationship shouldn’t feel pressured to adopt their partner’s vices. If sex on shrooms is one of the best feelings your girl’s ever had, she can take them and you can focus on providing the sex.

On the other hand, relationships are about compromise, and your girlfriend is trying to share with you what she considers to be a wonderful experience. Now, I’m not recommending you take illegal hallucinogenic drugs here, but if you decide to demur then you should at least consider her feelings and intent with the proposal — and the possible repercussions of turning it down.

Football: My fantasy team is doing well, so I wanted to ask a general football question. Is Chad Henne really a long-term solution at QB for the Dolphins?

No.

He makes terrible Cutlerfuck decisions sometimes but then again his wide receivers have worse hands than people who hold on to fireworks too long.
-CJ

The Dolphins score touchdowns because of the Wildcat. Chad Henne only plays to mix the offense up.

Gents:
Football: Drafted Hightower and Beanie Wells. Wells sucked, dropped him on waivers. Wells starts taking carries away from Hightower. Kinda looks like Wells is going to get most of the carries. Picked Wells back up. Do I drop Hightower or keep both? Please advise.

Keep them both and hope one gets injured.

Sex: More of a general question. Asked my girlfriend to marry me (she said yes, the poor girl), let the world know, all the sudden every girl I’ve ever fucked is coming out of the woodwork and wants a piece of my cock. What is up with this shit? This is confusing. It’s not that I want to get back with any of these girls, there’s a reason I’m not fucking/dating any of them now, it’s just confusing that now i can’t go 5 minutes without another former crazy texting me about how she wants my dick inside her. What the fuck? Please advise.
Thanks!
(insert creative moniker here)

Have you not heard? Bitches be crazy.

You, sir, have just made yourself unavailable to all other women on the planet — and if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man that they can’t have (to a certain extent, the gender-reverse of this is true as well, but I’m writing as one male to another, so bear with me). Sure, the relationships you had with all these previous exes didn’t work out, but as long as you were single and they were single, there was still a CHANCE they could have you again — a chance that they didn’t really consider until they couldn’t have you again.

Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t. This concludes Understanding Women 101.

KSK:
Football: I need 1 RB, 2 WR, and 1 Flex out of the following: Slaton v. Ten; Beanie @ STL; Harvin v. Sea; DeSean Jackson @Chi; Kevin Walter v. Ten. Right now I’ve got Walter as odd-man-out, but something is nagging the back of my mind. Our league is standard scoring except yards are 1 per 25 instead of 1 per 10, so touchdowns are at a premium. I’m leading the league in points, yet am on a five-game losing streak thanks to Bye Week Madness, so I really need to get this one right.

The fuck? 1 point for 25 yards? Who are you people?

Because of your fucked up scoring system, I’d play Walter instead of Slaton. You think Fumbly McButterhands is gonna get goal line carries? Hell no. Walter at least stands a chance of getting into the end zone, especially with Owen Daniels out.

Sex: I’m boning a divorced chick with kids. First time I’ve ever dated a mother. Relationship is pretty casual, but she wants it to be more. I’m worried because I feel like if we get to the point where all of a sudden I know her kids (I’ve been pretty well avoiding that), there is some magical line there that is hard to cross back over. Am I being worried for nothing, or is this tread-softly territory?
Signed,
Thanking God Each Day I Drafted Chris Johnson

Oh Christ. Now I have to embed this:

Unless Larry Fitzgerald is willing to write a guest column, that’s the best advice you’re getting from a Cardinals wideout this season.

What it comes down to is this: if you want to keep it casual and she wants more, get the hell out and don’t waste her time, you selfish ass. If you like her and decide that you want more, then meet her kid and become an important part of that family’s life. Don’t be the guy who dicks over a single mom. You don’t want her frumpy Bonnie Hunt-like sister judging you.

Douchebags,
Fantasy Question first: Due to my level of intoxication during my league’s draft, I am stuck with a plethora of mundane running backs. Select two from this list of inconsistent asshats: L. Betts (@DAL), L. McCoy (@CHI), J. Stewart (MIA), R. Grant (SF). Grant has been my one stable starter, which isn’t saying much.

I’m pretty staked at WR,

Staked?

pick 3 in a non-PPR league: R. Williams (WAS), The NYG Smith (ATL), Colston (@TB), Chambers (PIT), Edwards (@NE), Austin (WAS)

WR: Smith, Colston, Austin. At running back, you should start Grant at one slot and wait and see who’s going to get the reps on Sunday. Betts has run pretty well over the last two games since Portis’s concussion, and if he gets the start for the Skins he should get the start for you. Of course, Brian Westbrook has been listed as Questionable every fucking week for the last three years and he randomly misses every fifth game or so, so keep an eye on the Eagles’ situation as well.

Sex: I’m 25 and recently separated from the Army after 4 years of service, and am back in college. My question is: Is it wrong for me to fuck 18/19 year old broads that attend my school? I feel that since I missed what would have been a productive college career by deploying to Iraq, I should be entitled to make up for it. Your thoughts?
-Scarecrow

You are absolutely correct. Fuck away, soldier. Think about the friends you lost in that shithole: what would they want you to do? That’s right, they’d want you to nail all the hot college ass you possibly can. And you know what? If you didn’t exploit your legal drinking age and harrowing war stories to sleep with those hot young college girls, do you know what they’d do? They’d just end up with a lesser sexual experience with some 20-year-old douchebag who never fought for his country. Bang them for America, Scarecrow.

*hums “Battle Hymn of the Republic” while watching porn*

Gay mafia,
Football first, of course. Pick 2 out of these- Moreno (vs SD), Forte (vs PHI), Maroney (vs NYJ), Snelling (NYG), Forsett (MIN), Breaston (STL) or Roy Williams (WAS)- I’m leaning towards Snelling, Forte and Maroney. And yes I did get royally fucked over by Forte by drafting him 4th.

Those three sound good, except you said pick two.

Sex: This isn’t exactly sex, as I’m in highschool and haven’t hit the jackpot yet. I’m getting with a sophomore girl (I’m a junior), and we hook up most weekends. It goes pretty well (making out, I finger her, what have you) but then it gets awful. She can’t give handjobs. They are terrible. The first time I assumed she just didn’t know she had to go until I finished, but then it happened again. It’s the worst. Most recently I just made her stop. So, should I just ask her to blow me next time? (I’m not sure how comfortable she’ll be with that), or if she says no should I just guide her? Because honestly, she can’t do it as well as I can. I have years of practice goddamnit!
P.s. we are not dating (yet- I’m probably going to ask her out soon), so there’s no deep connection here.
Evan

My God, you’re getting handjobs from a high school sophomore and the two of you aren’t even dating? I may need to think twice about ever having kids.

First, on handjobs: Handjobs suck at any age. In fact, as you get older, a handjob becomes an insult. “Really? You’re really going to try to give me a handjob?” Welcome to high school, pal: frustrating and unsatisfying pseudo-sexual encounters is part of the experience.

Now, for the advice: Frankly, I don’t condone casual sex among high schoolers, but if you can muster up some respect for this girl and start dating her, and assuming you want some sexual release, then you’re going to have to give her some guidance regarding oral sex. You don’t want her going off to college and blowing other guys without ever having learned to give head, do you? C’mon, do her future boyfriends a favor.

Hey fellas who like football and females,
Fantasy: I have a pretty good group of receivers and some decent matchups this week, and I’d like to avoid being the guy who leaves 20 points on the bench. Would you help me decide? Start 3: Housh at MIN — Colston at TB — Big Steve Smith vs. ATL — Breaston at STL.

I’d go with Colston — ALWAYS Colston — Housh, and I guess the Giants’ Steve Smith. Breaston’s been finding the end zone recently, but as a policy I’ll play a #1/#2 guy in a solid passing attack over a #3 guy, even if he can be as productive as Breaston.

Sex: My wife has an incorrectly healed episiotomy and not only is sexual contact excruciating for her, but even mental stimulation or non-contact stimulation (increased bloodflow to the area) causes pain. Reconstructive surgery is planned, but imagine the dry spell after THAT. No question here, just wanted to say FML. Because I cannot FMW.

An episi-whatty?

/Googles episiotomy

//feels ill

Yo, you people,
Fantasy: PPR league, .1 point per carry, 1 point per 10 yrds rushing, 1 point per 15 yards rec. Options at RB (start 2): Gore @ GB, Grant v SF, Mendenhall @KC. Gore seems obvious, I’m a bit stuck between the other two.

.1 per carry and only 1 point for 15 yards receiving? Seriously, some of you people have absolutely retarded commissioners. Gore and Mendenhall.

Sex: I’m a college student and spend my summers/breaks at home. At the end of last summer, I was at the bar with friends and saw my neighbor there–a 50 year old cougar. We’re chatting, I buy her drinks, we smoke (”I don’t often do this!” yeah, ok woman), one thing leads to another, and we’re exchanging uglies later that evening. The sex is great–she was fiending for that youth. I mean GREAT. But there are a couple issues:

-This woman is good friends with my mother, who provides the shelter while my poor ass puts all my money to tuition. They have tea or some shit, whatever older women do, once or twice a week.
-She has a daughter I know. Well. As in we fucked before I fucked her mother.
-College pussy doesn’t compare for the most part. There have been a few, but GOD DAMN this woman knew how to work it. And most girls think I’m fairly awkward, while this MILF thinks I’m God’s gift to personality or charm (don’t ask, I don’t know), so it’s not like I have it available on hand every weekend–I gotta work hard for a college girl. I’m not ugly but no model either, so girls just don’t flutter their eyelashes at me with every Crest-approved smile. The MILF has made it well known I have permission to land whenever, and I have been going home every other weekend, or roughly that, to park my engine in her landing strip.

I read this column every week and I know how you emphasize how much us youngins should be taking advantage of that shaved poon the academics run with, but this woman is moving soon and I may not come across a cougar as hungry for all that in the future. Shit, this may be a last time. It isn’t like she’s some Marlboro Light chain smoking hooker type–she’s a natural woman with natural beauty and a natural sex drive. There aren’t many of those that aren’t botoxed to the face, and when I do get older I’m afraid they won’t go for the older man, or as fiercely as they go for this. But at the same time, if my mother or her daughter find out, it could mean some terrible things for my social and regular life. (Mother could kick me out of the house or never let me back there for breaks, etc.–she would–and daughter knows some dirt I’m not willing to let out, she may not figure it all out as she is in college too, but that’s also the risk factor).

Is it worth it to keep going back home for the consistent crazy sex until she moves and risk jeopardizing many aspects of my life, or should I strain myself with awkward jokes and bad flirting and only get it that once a month/every couple months, while always knowing there’s a woman back at home that will go nuts for the nuts, nuttier than any nut here would?
Help me, Poony Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.

flubby: I would watch a movie about this email.

Many of us already have.

The Graduate is crazy overrated, but dammit if I couldn’t watch Katharine Ross ’til my eyeballs dried out.

Anyway, my first reaction is: congratulations, sir, on the rare — and rarely desirable –mother-daughter combination. That’s a box, so to speak, that most of us will never check.

As for what to do: certainly your Mrs. Robinson is also turned on by the illicit nature of the relationship, and I don’t see a problem with saving money in college while having mind-blowing sex. And since she’s moving, you have a pre-programmed end date to the fling, which is helpful since this isn’t the sort of thing with a future, unless you’re Ashton Kutcher and pretending to be straight.

The downside, of course, is that every weekend that you risk your ass by getting your ashes hauled by Mrs. Robinson, you’re removing yourself from the environment that provides you with many young single ladies your own age — and even if you don’t date them in college, those are important connections to make as you enter the real world and end up in the same city or working for the same company as some sexy acquaintance you know from some a cappella festival or a Phish concert or whatever crappy things college students like these days.

I’d suggest keeping the visits to Cougar Town to once a month. Find a happy medium between the hot, dangerous older-woman sex and making the most of your time in college — even if that means striking out with some stuck-up Tri-Delts from time to time.

Laura here is in her first season with the Cincinnati Ben-Gals cheerleading team. At 41, she is also the oldest cheerleader in the league. Admirably, she has refused to let age stand in the way of her desperate, desperate need for attention. Sorry, that’s a really mean joke; actually I think it’s kind of cool to have a cheerleader who is old enough to have given a hanj to Ickey Woods at Riverfront Stadium. [ KyPost via Deuce of Davenport ]

Jeremy Shockey thinks there’s no way LeBron James could even make an NFL practice squad. So shut up before he punches you in your fag mouth.

The league admits officials mistakenly gave the Browns four timeouts in the second half Monday; thus giving Eric Mangini an extra two minutes to blink in silent terror on the sidelines. [ PFT ]

The NYT’s Freakonomics blog discusses the decade’s most overblown fears. Number one in the NFL? Mike Martz’s coaching prowess.

The Bills’ hometown newspaper reports that interim coach Perry Fewell has benched quarterback Trent Edwards in favor of Ryan Fitzpatrick. If you have Edwards on your fantasy team you should go ahead and make a roster adjustment… and then never play again for the rest of your life.

I cry for this couple’s future children. Hell, I weep for all of us. Thank goodness we’re all gonna be wiped clean from the Earth in 2012. Because, really, once you see a bald, schlubby white groom do the spastic Ray Lewis “dance” to greet friends and family with his Flacco jersey adorned bride at their wedding reception, you know there’s no reason for us to wasting God’s splendors.

Besides a shocking paucity of purple camo, I did notice that this is a crowd appreciative of mediocrity (guess they have to be), as you can spot two people in Mark Clayton jerseys and another in a Sam Koch. No Kyle Boller for the estranged in-law everyone hates?

Careful about watching past the two-minute mark. It gets a little tender. [stifles tear]

Poor young saps. They never had a chance. At least once they get divorced, you know they’ll just blame the refs.

[Thanks to reader Alex for the tip]

I hear yer lookin’ for a new football coach. Shoot fella, this is your lucky day. It just so happens that, after much careful reflection, I have decided to draw a curtain on my distinguished college coaching career and return to the scene of my greatest triumphs, the NFL!

Hey fella, you know what this league doesn’t enough of anymore? Zany coaches! When I was in the league, there was a place for a zany coach, now everyone is so durn serious all the time. But I got some good dad-gum news for you. You are gonna make me your new football coach and we are gonna turn this league on its dad-gum ear!

Looka me fella, I wear a cowboy hat. You know who just loves cowboys? Why kids, that’s who! Hire me as your next coach and your kid attendance will double in a season. Double or I eat this here Stetson. Kids love cowboys and I am the greatest cowboy the great state of Michigan has ever produced. We can even dress some of the coloreds up like Indians! It’ll be zany, I tell ya!

An’ I’m not just a cowboy! Imma tough guy, fella! I wear black! A tough guy who’s also a turd of a race car driver! And don’t forget zany, watch me dump this grape jelly in my trousers and do the Charleston! Ha-cha-cha! Boy howdy, that’s zany!

But of course, you’d have to be zany as a polecat to leave game tickets at will-call for Elvis Presley, but that’s what I do. Course, I gotta keep the act fresh. I’ll prolly leave tickets for Michael Jackson or mebbe John Kenneth Galbraith. Don’tcha think people will just eat that…

What’s that? You already hired a coach? Perry Fewell? Never heard of him? Well heck, fella, why dincha say so? Say, you reckon the Oilers need a coach?