SITE NEWS: I gotta bounce early today to catch a flight. These other stories’ll have to get you through the remainder of the day.

Fe-lyin’ around, cat-chin’ some rays. Hey, it was either those puns or “look at these lazy pussies.” Anyway: the very best of cats chillin’. [Buzzfeed]

From Fox News to the Onion News Network. Suzanne Sena used the credibility gained as an anchor at Fox News to land a gig reading fake news. Video at the link. [Mediabistro]

Honest content warnings for HBO shows. The more ridiculous the show, the better the warnings. [College Humor]

Mother Nature’s Punch-Out. Animals fighting, boxing commentary, and the music to Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out. The pieces don’t exactly fit together perfectly, but I approve of the interspecies animal fighting. [Asylum]

And now, a special guest reaction from Jason Stackhouse (click for animated .GIF): ABC.com will have a “Grey’s Anatomy” web series. [B&C]

Now THAT’S thorough. A monster list of 475 marathons and holiday-related programming from now through the end of the month. [TV Tango]

Five-dollar footlongs for everyone! NBC has announced the start date for the upcoming 19-episode season of “Chuck.” [Ausiello Files]

Death, taxes, and advertising. TiVo and Coors have struck a deal to show Coors banner ads to users who try to skip commercials on NFL broadcasts. At least my DVR is still safe. [Ad Age]

WTF, Al Roker? Check out Roker’s Sunday Night Football weather forecast. A little uninged, yes, but I like the enthusiasm. [Back Porch]

I think I’m happier NOT knowing what’s being said in this Halls commercial. If a product advertises that it can make my chest crank out cross-species animals, that’s good enough for me.

[Japan Probe]

By all accounts, “Trauma” was basically a medical drama as imagined by Michael Bay. It got panned by critics, earned lousy ratings, and NBC announced it was stopping production immediately. Now, by unpopular non-demand, NBC has ordered more episodes.

Why would NBC order more of a low-rated show that isn’t particularly acclaimed and is expensive? [...]

NBC is serving up more “Trauma,” sources say, because the network is short on inventory — quality content that’s ready to roll. Ten “Trauma” episodes will air before the holidays. Now they’ll have another six, instead of an awkward three, to air at some other time (which has yet to be determined). [The Live Feed]

Hmmm… that’s odd. Why would NBC be short on hour-long dramas? Can’t they just plug in another hour of Leno? That idea worked so well the first time.

With only two episodes of “Sons of Anarchy” remaining, “Mad Men” in mothballs until August, and “Friday Night Lights” relegated to DirecTV until next summer, we’re running dangerously low on quality dramas right now (Sorry, I don’t watch “Dexter.” File your complaint here). But at least something closer on the horizon: ABC has finally set a premiere date for the sixth and final season of “Lost.”

ABC confirmed that Lost will kick off its sixth and final season with a two-hour premiere on Tuesday, Feb. 2 from 9-11 pm. The requisite recap special will start things off at 8 pm. The following week, Lost will settle into its regular Tuesday-9 pm perch. [EW]

Below the jump I’ve got the updated cast list and the super-sized season 6 poster, but that’s stuff that not everybody cares about, and I didn’t want to lose anyone’s attention before I made it clear that I’m still available if Evangeline Lilly is looking. Good Lord, there isn’t another woman on television who looks that so covered in dirt and wearing torn clothes. She’d be right at home in my basement.

The ABC press release announcing Lost’s return date also revealed who among the show’s cast will receive full-time, series-regular billing in season 6. And the winners are… Naveen Andrews (Sayid), Nestor Carbonell (Richard), Emilie de Ravin (Claire), Michael Emerson (Ben), Jeff Fahey (Frank) Matthew Fox (Jack), Jorge Garcia (Hurley), Josh Holloway (Sawyer), Daniel Dae Kim (Jin), Yunjin Kim (Sun), Ken Leung (Miles), Evangeline Lilly (Kate), Terry O’Quinn (Locke), and Zuleikha Robinson (Ilana).

Not mentioned in the press release, but confirmed to return on a guest-star and/or recurring basis, are Elizabeth Mitchell (Juliet), Ian Somerhalder (Boone), Rebecca Mader (Charlotte), Dominic Monaghan (Charlie), Henry Ian Cusick (Desmond), and Katey Sagal (Helen).

After much speculation, Oprah Winfrey has announced that she will end her daily syndicated talk show on ABC, devastating legions of middle-aged women who need Oprah to tell them what to think and what books to read.

The top-rated talk show host told her Chicago audience Thursday that she will conclude her show on Sept. 9, 2011 — when her current contract expires. The announcement will air during [today's] episode of “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” [The Live Feed]

What terrible news. How will I ever get by without not watching this show every day? What show can ABC possibly find that I’ll ignore with equal apathy? It’s like they’ve taken a hole in my life and filled it with a void.

Project Runway (Lifetime) — It sucks that this season was on Lifetime and outdated and irrelevant, because it’s nice to see a final trio composed completely of not-unattractive women, with nary a bitchy flamboyant gay man in sight. Pictured L-R: sexy Irina, occasionally kinda cute Carol Hannah, and she-has-her-moments Althea.

WWII in HD (History) — The final night. I’m now two nights behind thanks to illness and dabbling with a social life for one night, plus I’m going to have to shuffle some things around on my DVR to make sure this records. Why is watching TV so stressful?!?!?

The same Thursday comedies I always watch (NBC, FX) — 8-10 p.m. at NBC, 10-11 at FX. You’re either with me or against me.

CSI: Original Flavor (CBS) — There’s a murder at a bowling tournament. People go bowling in Vegas? How come every week isn’t about another dead hooker?

Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) — I saw something about this going on a two-month hiatus in the middle of its season. I didn’t actually read the item because it was about “Grey’s Anatomy,” but any news about less of this show is good news.

Family Armor (TLC) — A reality show about two Texas brothers who run a business making bulletproof vehicles. TLC scores some points for moving away from its “21st century freak show” programming, but none whatsoever for “remotely interesting idea.”

Nightline (ABC) — In-depth interview with Martha Stewart in which she gets catty towards Rachael Ray. Big whoop.

Today is an excruciatingly slow news day, so this story is about “United Plates of America,” an ambitious reality show greenlit by NBC in which the winning contestant is awarded a restaurant chain.

A group of would-be restaurateurs will compete to impress a panel of wealthy investors from the cooking and business world. Challenges will test competitors’ savvy on such subjects as their restaurant’s concept, menu and marketability and their ability to manage staff…

The show’s winner will receive a restaurant chain that opens in four locations in various U.S. cities on the night of the show’s season finale. [THR]

My pitch: “Good food, good fun, and a whole bunch a crazy crap on the walls!” Do I win? What if my deep frier can flash-fry a buffalo in six seconds?

(essential video)

HO. LEE. CRAP. If you asked me to come up with the most awesome video game ever, I’d start by saying, “Well, I’d like the opportunity to punch Nazi dinosaurs.” THY WILL BE DONE: a new mod for Half-Life 2 called Dino D-Day envisions a World War II in which Nazi Germany has dinosaurs on its side. [Topless Robot]

The newest addition to Uproxx is… GAMMA SQUAD, Uproxx’s new blog that covers all things geek-, nerd-, and sci-fi-related. It’s written in part by the fantastic RoboPanda, whose writing has often appeared here and over at FilmDrunk. If the Hitman Monkey post doesn’t make you laugh, you probably don’t belong here.

Female Viagra is on the way. Good news for those of you who aren’t blessed with my chiseled buns. [Asylum]

Glavin! An alternate pilot for the original “Star Trek” was discovered. With video! Note the absence of the iconic opening sequence. Or whatever, I don’t care about that nerdy stuff anyway. [Pajiba]

Undeserved tribute videos. I understand that it’s a free YouTube and everything, but there should be a law against Jim Belushi tribute videos. My God, is that set to Bobby Brown’s “Take Control”? [Urlesque]

An Indian reality show called “The Big Switch” that puts wealthy young Indians in the slums of Mumbai has taken the caste-driven country by storm, according to The Hollywood Reporter. Frankly, it sounds pretty awesome:

The show involves 10 rich contestants paired with 10 slum dwellers. The groups have to work on tasks such as shining shoes at railway stations and selling wares at traffic signals, jobs the poor often have to do. Points are given for each task and the onus is on the rich contestants to win the cash prize of 1 million rupees ($21,600), which would go toward fulfilling the dreams of their partner…

[Nightclub owner Sunny] Sara’s partner on the show is Abhishek Kushwah, a 22-year-old who grew up in Dharavi, Asia’s biggest slum. “Me and Sunny are similar in our thinking, but we come from such different backgrounds,” Kushwah said. “Yet, he did all he could to help me toward my goal of going to catering school. This show could be my ticket to a good life.”

For Sara, there were some experiences that were not so good. “The smell of rotting fish was unbearable. There was a lot of filth and dirt,” he said… “”There was no running water, no air conditioning, none of the amenities I was used to. I missed my Blackberry and my bikes… It was a life-changing experience.”

Kushwah added, “I really think Sunny and I forged a lifelong friendship.” Reached back at his sprawling penthouse, Sara lit a cigar and said, “Abishek who?”

Honestly, a police car’s dash-cam catching video of a cat crawling up a cop’s leg and sitting on his head while he writes a ticket would be enough to make my day. But what makes this so much better is that it’s a news report about a cat crawling up a cop’s leg and sitting on his head while he writes a ticket. Watch as the intrepid reporter investigates the scene of the incident and finds out that OH MY GOD THE CAT IS STILL HERE! And it’s friendly to everyone! Will this menace attack people with allergies? Only time will tell. Back to you, John.

[Urlesque]