USDESI bloggers connecting desis

Smiley in the Sky

2007-08-26T18:27:00.001-05:00

Happy Independence Day

2007-08-14T18:34:00.001-05:00

Cool Meanings

2007-02-04T22:58:00.000-06:00

Cigarette:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at

the other.

Love affairs:

Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular

than a five-day test.

Marriage:

It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman

gains her master

Divorce:

Future tense of marriage

Lecture:

An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to

the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Conference:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he

got the biggest piece.

Tears:

The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by

feminine waterpower.. .

Dictionary:

A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees

later on.

Ecstasy:

A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never

felt before.

Classic:

A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:

The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc:

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that

nothing can be done together.

Experience:

The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:

A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually

look forward to the trip.

Opportunist:

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist:

A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am

not injured yet.

Pessimist:

A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the

first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

Miser:

A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:

A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:

A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Positive Sides

2007-02-04T22:56:00.000-06:00

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it

For poise, walk with the knowledge that and you should never walk alone

86 Rules of Boozing

2007-01-20T14:01:00.000-06:00

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

--Frank Rich

Source: Modern Drunkard Magazine

Belief in God - Real Good One

2007-01-20T13:31:00.000-06:00

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problemscience has with God, The Almighty.
He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Prof: So you believe in God?

Student: Absolutely, sir.

Prof: Is God good?

Student: Sure.

Prof: Is God all-powerful?

Student : Yes.

Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm?

(Student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?

Student :Yes.

Prof: Is Satan good?

Student : No.

Prof: Where does Satan come from?

Student : From...God...

Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Prof: So who created evil?

(Student does not answer.)

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?

Student :Yes, sir.

Prof: So, who created them?

(Student has no answer.)

Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?

Student : No, sir.

Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?

Student : No , sir.

Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelled your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Prof: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

Prof: Yes.

Student : No sir. There isn't.

(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light.... But if youhave no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelled it?.....No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it, sir.. The link between man & god is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

That young man was ALBERT EINSTEIN

Nature is sexy

2007-01-12T21:31:00.000-06:00

Collected from haha

Nelly Furtado - Say it Right

2007-01-11T17:29:00.000-06:00

Macworld Conference & Expo 2007

2007-01-09T21:43:00.000-06:00

Watch Apple CEO Steve Jobs kick-off Macworld Conference & Expo 2007 with a keynote address from San Francisco's Moscone West
click here or here

Source: Apple

New Workplace Words for 2007

2007-01-07T15:36:00.000-06:00

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and
elsewhere)!! !

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group,
discussing why a deadline was missed or a project
failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a
lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to
absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the
boss rather than working hard

4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire
day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in
the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops
something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads
pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's
answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive
Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have
children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on
being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been
rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away
from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free
photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles
that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop
watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking
the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work
again. Often feel like doing this to my computer

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers
beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that
fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide
Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the
requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that
are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as
fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNO-SECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in
which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
(Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while
passing through a Cube Farm.

Hidden Programs of WINDOWS

2007-01-07T13:19:00.000-06:00

HIDDEN PROGRAMS OF WINDOWS:
1- Private Character Editor
This program is for designing icons and Characters(Alphapet )
Click :start
Then :run
type :EUDCEDIT
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......
2- iExpress
This Program is for converting your files to EXCUTABLE files
Click : start
Then : run
type : iexpress
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......
3-Disk Cleanup
This program used for cleaning harddisk to offer space
Click : start
Then : run
type : cleanmgr
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......
4-Dr Watson
This program Is for repairing problems in Windows
Click : start
Then : run
type : drwtsn32
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......
5-Windows Media Player 5.1
Opens the old media player
Click : start
Then : run
type : mplay32
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......
Program ............ . CODE
__________ __________
Character Map = charmap

DirectX diagnosis = dxdiag

Object Packager = packager

System Monitor = perfmon

Program Manager = progman

Remote Access phone book = rasphone

Registry Editor = regedt32

File siganture verification tool = sigverif

Volume Control = sndvol32

System Configuration Editor = sysedit

Syskey = syskey

microsoft Telnet Client = telnet

American Intillegence

2007-01-07T13:17:00.000-06:00

While visiting India , George Bush is invited to tea with
Indian President Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that,
it is to surround himself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says Kalam."Allow
me to demonstrate. "

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr.
Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your
brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says Kalam. He hangs up
and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be
using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the
Condoleeza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a
question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and
your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or
your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and
get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice
immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle
over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up
with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin
Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who
is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds
George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who
it is! It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, its

Manmohan Singh!"

Dance PErformance by Amira Group

2006-11-24T13:04:00.000-06:00

One Leg Dance

2006-11-24T12:59:00.000-06:00

Awesome Ad

2006-11-09T13:17:00.000-06:00

Software Engineer Kid

2006-11-07T19:59:00.001-06:00

The Teacher gave a punishment to the student and asked
him to write
"I Will Not Throw Paper Airplanes in the Class" 500
times on board.

AND

The Student Wrote

#include
int main (void)
{
int count;
for (count = 1; count <= 500; count ++)
{
printf(""I Will Not Throw Paper Airplanes
in the Class");
}
return (0);
}

Be a born software engineer

2006-11-07T19:59:00.000-06:00

HR exceutive writes a love letter

2006-11-07T19:42:00.000-06:00

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in
Love with you since
the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the
meeting held
between us on the 27th of July. at 1500 hrs, I would
like to present myself
as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of
three months and
depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon
completion of probation, there will be continuous on
the job training and
performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion
from lover to
spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment
would initially be
shared equally between us. Later, based on your
performance, I might
take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am
broadminded enough to
be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of
receiving this
letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled
without further notice
and I shall be considering someone else. I would be
happy, if you could
forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish
to take up this
offer.

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,

Romeo ( HR Executive )

Happy Diwali

2006-10-20T23:30:00.000-05:00

Diwali, also called Deepavali (Sanskrit: दीपावली, Tamil: தீபாவளி Kannada:ದೀಪಾವಳಿ is a major Hindu festival. Known as the "Festival of Lights," it symbolises the victory of good over evil, and lamps are lit as a sign of celebration and hope for mankind. The festival of Diwali is rooted in the mythological epic Ramayana, and is a celebration of the return of Lord Ram after killing Ravan the Demon during his exile for 14 years. The day of killing Ravan is celebrated as Dussehra (19 to 21 days before Diwali). Celebrations focus on lights and lamps, particularly traditional diyas (as illustrated). Fireworks are associated with the festival in many regions of India.
More....

Source: Wikipedia

USB Teddy Bear

2006-09-15T12:04:00.000-05:00

coolest gadget, i have seen...
Source:Engadget

Tomato in Vinayaka shape

2006-09-07T10:11:00.001-05:00

Tomato in Vinayaka shape

2006-09-07T10:11:00.000-05:00

Crocodile Hunter Dead

2006-09-06T19:15:00.000-05:00

Crocodile Hunter Dead - video powered by Metacafe

Live report from Australia to CNN about the death of Steve Irwin.

Accelerated Webcam Miraflores Lock (panama canal)

2006-09-06T19:08:00.000-05:00

Accelerated Webcam Miraflores Lock (panama canal) - video powered by Metacafe

12 hours converted into 1 min. Pretty cool no?

Pepsi Ad

2006-09-03T10:16:00.000-05:00