Evidently, Dr. “To Hell With The Consequences, I’m Putting Robot Arms On a Monkey” at the University of Pittsburgh thought it would be a good idea… TO START PUTTING ROBOT ARMS ON MONKEYS!! And has thus set in motion a chain of events that will very likely destroy our civilization. At least, those were my take-aways.

So if you’ve wronged a monkey recently, it might be a good idea to have a good old-fashioned apology letter handy. Here’s a sample to help get you started.

Dear Monkeys:

If you’re reading this, then you probably found my site while navigating the Internets while using your robot arms. It is possible that you found your way here via a Google search, as I rank highly for the search terms “poo”, “dong”, “poo ass” and “Jane Goodall”.

Whilst perusing my site, you may have stumbled upon this post. Or this one. They may have led you to believe that I am not a friend of yours and your brethren, specifically when I suggest to readers that they read to you fake passages from a Jane Goodall autobiography that make her seem as though she’s a dude.

Let me assure you that that is not the case. I wrote those articles in jest while extremely intoxicated. I was also completely unaware that you were slated for bionic enhancements, and was lead astray as to what exactly those enhancements might allow you to do when I read this unfortunately titled article in New Scientist: Monkey’s Brain Signals Control ‘Third Arm’

Not only am I a huge supporter of monkeys and well-versed in monkey issues like poo-flinging arm tendinitis, I am also a non-believer in evolution. Not because I am a creationist, but because I believe that primates are, themselves, fully evolved, and thus we humans are no more an advanced version of primates than this is an advanced version of an umbrella.

I would appreciate your consideration and mercy in the coming “Monkeys with Robot Arms vs. Humans” wars. I think we could find some common ground, and perhaps some time to share a laugh.  Or a banana.

Sincerely,

Danny

How terrified are you of MONKEYS WITH ROBOT ARMS!? Let us know!

Photo Credit: [Erik K Veland]

1. Preliminary Step: Acquire a Hobo

Hobos congregate in different areas depending on the breed. Cruise the rail yards for a classic style or trendy coffee shops for an Ashley Olsen style. We prefer a classic as they are less likely to sass you.

If you do go Ashley Olsen style and are receiving a lot of sassafras, threaten to take away oversized sunglasses privileges.

2. Teach Your Hobo Formal British Diction

If a butler has “hobo diction”, it ruins the ambiance. Work with your hobo on enunciation and managing his shouting. If you’re not getting anywhere after 30 minutes, take away his booze. Don’t be afraid to dish out some tough love:

“Look, quite frankly, this is a mess right now. Your jowls are all over the place and I’m still hearing a lot of that loud breathing/wheezing sound that you said you were going to work on yesterday. I mean, what are we doing here?”

3. Reduce Facial Expression Craziness

This is obviously the most difficult part of any hobo modification. First, try getting him to blink his eyes without gnashing his teeth. Then you can move on to secondary things, like keeping his tongue inside his mouth during serious conversations, and using buy-eyed expressions more selectively.

4. Improve Hygiene

Hand bathing your hobo will teach hygiene and is also good for bonding. Cut through the hobo dirt with a Brillo pad and Dawn. If the bathing is going well, don’t be afraid to join your hobo. But be careful and if he says “my crazy hand is comin’ to getchu”, get out of the tub.

5. Add a Dash of Culture

Hobo’s are generally well traveled, so this shouldn’t be too hard. Teach your hobo the finer points of butlering with terms that are familiar to him. For instance, “A gentleman enjoys a newspaper, or ‘ass napkin’, with his breakfast.”

6. Try a Hobo/Butler Mashup!

This is an awesome alternative to the full-on hobo to butler conversion. Allow the hobo to keep certain hobo elements (i.e. crazy beard and smells) while simultaneously adding in new butler elements ( i.e. formal British diction and a tuxedo with coattails), and voila! You’ve just mixed yourself a “ho-butler” you mixmaster!!

You won’t know what to expect from your ho-butler! Is he going to bring you a hot towel or is he just going to cackle loudly and urinate on himself? Well I guess it’s going to be the urine! Jolly good show ho-butler!!

What are your best hobo conversion tips? Thinking about trying the mash-up? Let us know!

Photo Credit: [slambo_42, monokoroboo loveyaxxx]

1. Use Febreeze

Febreeze is like a “Mexican Shower” for your furniture, so if your dog has dark colored fur and/or is sometimes used as an ottoman, then this is a great alternative to full-on bathings. If you’re fresh out of Febreeze, try giving your dog a quick rub-down with some dryer sheets like Bounce or try sprinkling him/her with a few packets of Splenda. Splenda doesn’t have any scent, but your dog will appreciate the sweetness, which will result in more frequent self-groomings.

2. Take Your Dog To Supercuts

Everyone knows that Supercuts is SUPER cheap, but did you ALSO know that they will cut your dog’s hair? Well… THEY WILL! Just play it cool and pretend like everything is normal – “Hi, Max needs a cut today. He had Sheila last time and he really liked her, so if she’s available that would be great.” And if they’re like “Um… we don’t cut dog hair”, then you can say “But, I have a coupon.”

Even if you don’t have a coupon, this will probably work because there are A TON of Supercuts coupons, and so they never know all of the available offers that are in circulation.

If they’re still being asses and are like “Sir, I’m sorry, but we only cut people hair”, then walk out, place your dog on your head, walk back in and be like “Hi, I was hoping you could squeeze me in for a haircut today?”

3. Train a Monkey To Clean Your Dog

This is almost too easy! Monkeys are excellent dog cleaners, so acquiring and training a monkey to clean your dog is a fast and effective shortcut. Make sure to monitor your monkey’s workmanship, because they will totally take shortcuts like using poo instead of conditioner – “You think I wouldn’t notice that Bobo? Start over, and this time, I want you to use very little to no poo.”

Do you think the Supercuts homepage makes it look a million times classier than it actually is? Let us know RIGHT NOW with a comment!

Photo Credit: [norbert]

1. Forgetting to Bring a Corsage

Your date may not say it, but she will be disappointed if you don’t bring her a corsage. If you forget, try and rig a corsage out of items on the floor of your car. With the right skills and an unwrapped Jolly Rancher, a dirty penny and a soccer sock, she will probably not be able to tell the difference.

2. Not Giving Her Time To Curtsy

A polite girl will curtsy to express her gratitude when you’ve been generous or have done something impressive. But you must wait a few seconds to allow this to happen or she will get upset. If you’re waiting and she forgets to curtsy, grab the back of her head and start pushing it downward to jump start the process. She may be mad at first, but will probably remember that she is the one who was rude and apologize.

If she is from Texas then she may do this really weird Texas-style curtsy and that is a signal that she wishes to mate with you and eat barbecue ribs. In no particular order.

3. Not Asserting Yourself

Girls are more comfortable with traditional gender roles, so not asserting yourself as an alpha male is a mistake. Begin making your mark as the date unfolds by demanding silence while you’re driving – “Shhh… I need you to be quiet while daddy is thinking.”

You can also ask her to do stuff by saying “Hey, be a doll and get me a…” followed by anything.

4. Drinking From a Juice Box

Even if you’re really really thirsty and you love apple juice, this is something you should avoid. It will be difficult for her to take you seriously and yearn to be dominated by you if you insist on drinking from a juice box. Capri Suns are somewhat “surfer cool” and although she will be impressed if you can puncture it with the straw on your first try, it is still risky because you will probably won’t be able to and will become embarrassed.

You should also avoid asking for a side of apple sauce to dip your entree into if you’re out to dinner, even if it tastes yucky or is too charred on the outside.

5. Forgetting to Grow a Mustache

Not having a mustache is risky in general, but it can really backfire on a date. With a mustache, you project the air of a policeman and a villain simultaneously, which is a one-two punch of irresistible manliness. You can also use your mustache to sweep up the bread crumbs on your dinner table, so you don’t have to have your dinner conversation interrupted by your waiter with that scraper tool.

6. Not Getting a Full Explanation of the Menu

Girls are impressed by a gentleman who can order for the table, so take control. But make sure you get a full explanation of the menu so you are not flying blind. If your waiter says “Hi, have you ever eaten with us before?”, then you should say “No, I haven’t and I’m having alot of trouble locating your jalepeno poppers on the menu.” This will signal to him that you are definitely in need of an in depth explanation.

7. Forgetting the Snacks

Girls enjoy snacking, so a gentleman should always carry a fine selection of snacks on his person. Wearing cargo pants is a good idea so that you can have multiple compartments for the various snacks – “I have olives and Wheat Thins on my right knee and the honey barbecue wings are down near my ankle.” Offer to feed the snacks to her. If she declines and says she wants to feed herself, ignore that and start feeding her anyway. She is probably just shy and will be glad that you anticipated her needs.

BONUS! 8. Failing to Stay Engaged in the Conversation

You must be an active participant in any conversation and listen attentively. If you feel like the conversation is becoming one-sided, find a way to let her know – “I feel bored right now. When can it be my turn to talk?” If you feel like that is too strong, then try approaching it in a more roundabout way – “Do you have any stories that are shorter and punchier? If so, now is the time for those.”

What are your biggest dating no-no’s? Can you get the Capri Sun straw in on the first shot? Please let us know… RIGHT NOW!

Photo Credit: [Walsh]

Inquire About the Trampoline

The trampoline is by far the COOLEST and most important thing you can buy at a warehouse club, so create buzz for yourself by loudly announcing that you want to purchase one – “I need someone to retrieve the trampoline from the wall please. Yep, thinking about buying the trampoline today.”

Demonstrate that you’re a serious buyer by asking “in the know” trampoline questions – “Is ‘vigorous’ a word that describes the level of boob jiggling experienced by girls who use this particular model? What amount of air should a bear expect to get if it falls onto it from a tree? Additionally, what are my chances for setting a world record if I use this model on a Japanese game show?”

Trust Your Instincts

At a warehouse club, shopping on instinct rather than from a list will ensure that none of the items in your cart are in any way related and that 90% of them are totally unnecessary. This is considered good form and may result in a nod of respect by the cashier as she scans your radial tires, followed by your 1000 ounce box of Lucky Charms.

Pace Yourself

Rushing to get your warehouse club shopping done will leave you with enough time in your day to complete other tasks which is not good. Instead, stay long enough for your entire family/group to become angry and begin yelling at each other. Then stay at least 2 more hours after that or until an adult in your group starts crying.

Be a Deal Maker

Portion sizes are HUGE at these stores, so maximize your savings (and FUN!) by asking people if they want to split stuff with you – “Hey, I’ll give you 2 handfuls of cat litter for 15 of your mini quiches. Here, just hold out your hands and I’ll pour you in.”

Some people may be hesitant to finalize a deal, but don’t give up! Follow them around the store until you get what you want – “What if I told you 7 pickles might mysteriously find their way into your purse? How do you feel about the kitty litter deal now?”

What are your favorite warehouse club quirks? Have you ever come close to buying the trampoline? Let us know!!

Photo Credit: [GodzillaRockit]

1. Preliminary Step – Acquire a Sea Turtle

The best way to acquire a sea turtle is to go on a sea turtle nesting watch tour, which will get you close enough to grab one. Make sure to ask your tour guide lots of important sea turtle questions, like “Is there a good way to know which turtle will be get along best with my dog? Where can I get a new shell if I think that the one it comes with is ugly or it doesn’t really match my decorating style?”

2. Win Over Your Sea Turtle

Your sea turtle may be a little pissed when you first acquire him. Win him over with a great selection of music that he will be likely to dig, like Jack Johnson, Bob Marley and some steel drum tracks.

Be brave and take a chance on a few selections that don’t seem like sea turtle-type music, like the Ying Yang Twins, Mystikal and ODB. You may end up introducing him to something he really likes, which will speed the bonding process.

3. Get Educated

Sea turtles have been around for 200 million years, so make sure to tap into their wisdom by pumping yours for information – “What were the dinosaurs like? Did you think ‘Jurassic Park’ was pretty accurate? Also, were you mad when you were portrayed as surfer stupid in ‘Finding Nemo’?”

4. Attach a Handle

Sea turtles can be difficult to carry, especially at the airport. Try attaching a handle to the side of its shell so you can carry it like a briefcase. If your sea turtle bites someone while you’re carrying him that way, then be like “Sorry, my briefcase is really cranky right now.”

5. Get It To Stop Braying

Sea turtles will bray like a donkey when they are upset. This can be annoying and draw unwanted attention. Try dishing out some country discipline by smacking it lightly on the head and saying “Shhh, stop it. You stop braying right now!” If that doesn’t help, try inducing a food coma by going to the food court and getting him a Cinnabon.

6. Don’t Put “1 Sea Turtle” on the Customs Declaration Form

This is absolutely critical and will lead to unwanted questioning and searches. If you forget and accidentally write it, cross out “1″ and put “0″.

Did we miss anything? What kind of music do you think sea turtles would be into? Comment RIGHT NOW!!!

Photo Credit: [Fred Sharples]

1. Add A Caption

Like with LOLcats, adding a caption to your LOLdong in the form of a sign or a note is a good way to embrace it and turn it into a positive that makes people smile – “HIDIN’, IZ DOIN IT”, “I IZ TINY BUT BOOTIFUL” or “OH HAI, I IZ IMPRESSD U FOUN MEEZ.”

2. Buy a SMART Car

Traditionally, a sports car like a Camaro or an Infiniti G35 coupe has been used for compensating for an LOLdong. But we would suggest going in the opposite direction. A Smart Car is obviously a poor choice for compensating for an LOLdong, which is why Smart Car drivers are perhaps least likely to be suspected of having one.

A very small car and a very small dong is thought to be a risky combination that no one can recover from, thus people will assume that “There’s no way that the guy driving that car has an LOLdong. There’s just no way.”

3. Request That People Not Laugh Because It’s Hurtful

This is pretty straight forward and can yield some good results.

4. Join the Polar Bear Club

It’s difficult to maintain a normal dong size in freezing cold water, so LOLdongs blend in well here. Just don’t get over-confident and start flashing your tiny dong everywhere, because the Polar Bears may become suspicious and accuse you having an actual LOLdong rather than a cold water-induced LOLdong.

5. Don’t Show Your Dong To a Lot Of People

This is not really a realistic option but we thought we would put it here anyway. Remember that this is risky because not showing your dong to a lot of people can be viewed as rude or that you are very private which is annoying nowadays – “Yeah, he’s okay I guess, but he’s one of those types who won’t show his dong to people in social situations, and I always end up feeling like ‘get over yourself’, you know?”

6. Pimp It

Pimping your LOLdong can detract away from its physical inadequacies or irregularities. There are many different dong accessories that can fulfill this task, but perhaps the most useful is a dong organizer, which has the added benefit of increasing the storage capacity of your dong and drastically increasing it’s usability. This is good because people will generally overlook an LOLdong if it has a pocket for coins, a compass or a reading light.

Which solution do you think is most effective? Did you think the “Cheetos” post was half-assed? Let us know with an amazing comment!!!!

Photo Credits: [prashanti zi, voxhumana,  lornagrl]

Assisting Someone Who is Choking on Cheetos

It can be very difficult to help someone who is choking on Cheetos with… Cheetos. But don’t get discouraged! Try holding a Cheeto in each hand and waving them like airline runway personnel to signal for help. You can also crunch them loudly which will draw attention.

Dealing with High Gas Prices

Cheetos are not particularly useful for dealing with high gas prices. But if you’re thinking about driving somewhere, try eating an entire bag of Cheetos first. You may feel lazy or sick and decide to take a nap instead of running errands, which will cut down on costs.

Shipping Antiquities

It doesn’t seem like Cheetos would be that helpful for shipping fragile packages. But Cheetos are earth-friendly and a fun surprise as a packaging material! Just grab a couple bags and dump them in a box before adding your precious cargo. If you’re running low, you can mix in some Funyuns or Smartfood.

What problems do you solve with Cheetos? What do you think of the new Chester Cheetah? Tell us now!

Photo Credit: [drp]

1. Set an Inexpensive Tone

You can set an inexpensive tone for your date through your dress and through your attitude. Sweatpants and no shirt will signal that you’re feeling thrifty. If that’s too casual, then throw on a bow tie or your most formal pair of Crocs.

2. Verbally Establish Chances for Sex at Start of Date

It’s not rude to ask what the chances are that your date will result in sex during a recession. This will give you a better gauge of how much money you should spend and whether or not you should save your money for other dates. Try cracking the window as you’re pulling up to your date and asking them while keeping the doors locked. If they get angry then you can just be like “Sorry! I have to be frugal right now.” as you drive away.

3. Ask Your Date to Drive

Asking your date to drive is empowering for them and will make them feel like they are in charge. If they insist that you drive, don’t be afraid to ask for gas money at the end of the night. You can also plan activities that are close to your date’s house so you don’t burn too much gas – “What do you think about eating at your next door neighbor’s?”

4. Bring a Calculator with You to Dinner

Bringing a calculator with you to dinner is a good way to make sure that the costs of the dinner don’t spiral out of control. Keep the calculator on the table and begin to furiously type on it and grunt if your date asks your server about the specials.

5. Bring Your Own Food

Packing a dinner before going to a restaurant is a great way to save money. Let the server know that you’ve brought your own food and you won’t be needing menus. If they get an attitude, then offer to let them bring your food to you from the kitchen as if you’ve ordered it.

6. Ask Other Diners If They Are Done

Many times other diners will become full and still have a lot of food left on their plates. If they’ve ordered something that you think you’d enjoy, then definitely send the menus back and just grab their plate. If they’re like “Hey, I’m not done eating!” just be like “Okay, I’ll tell your server” and then walk away with their plate.

How do you cut dating costs? Do you eat off other peoples plates? Let us know!

Photo Credit: [thehoneybunny]

1. “I’m sorry we had a misunderstanding. Both of us should commit to communicating better.”

When a girl gets mad due to ass sex, it’s usually the result of a misunderstanding or a general confusion about each other’s personal goals. This is a courteous way to remind her that both people are to blame when a miscommunication occurs. You are acknowledging this shared responsibility and laying out a roadmap to get your relationship back on track.

2. “I thought we were ready emotionally.”

This is good because it establishes that this is not a physical thing for you and that you are just trying to connect. You recognize the emotions involved in ass sex and you felt confident enough in the strength of your relationship to try and advance it.

3. “I can’t know everything I’m not supposed to do.”

It’s good to set reasonable expectations for your behavior. You really can’t know everything you’re not supposed to do, so this is tough to argue against.

If she has said explicitly “I do not want you to do that, I’m not into it” then you can use a Green Eggs and Ham defense and be like, “But you didn’t say specifically that you didn’t want me to do it during American Idol. Maybe I should list a bunch of situations and you can say whether or not you would be into trying ass sex during them. That would give me greater clarity.”

4. “I am trying to take more initiative in planning activities for us.”

This demonstrates that you recognize that it’s not just her job to come up with things for you to do as a couple. You are thinking outside the box for things that you both of you can do that are fun. Also, it establishes that this wasn’t some impulsive decision, you planned on doing it.

She will probably appreciate that and realize that not everything you come up with will be fun for both of you, but that’s what happens when you are pushing the envelope and your relationship is growing.

5. “I wanted to surprise you.”

If she’s more of the spontaneous type than use this instead of the above.

6. “I asked my friends and they said that I should just go for it.”

Letting her know that you sought the advice of others before making a decision on how to behave is good because it demonstrates that you didn’t act rashly. You have recognized that you might not always make the best decisions so you sought the counsel and opinions of people you trust.

Also, it opens her up to the possibility that maybe she is wrong and that ass sex without permission is okay because other people she knows share your point of view.

7. “I felt mad at first when you prevented me from doing it. But now I’m getting over it.”

Don’t be afraid to let her know how it made you feel when she didn’t allow you to proceed. Being prevented from doing what you want can make you feel frustrated and mad. It is detrimental to both of you if you don’t share those impulses and learn from them.

BONUS! ”You know how it’s really annoying when someone is super polite and they keep asking for permission to do really basic stuff, like ‘Can I use the bathroom?’ or ‘Is it okay if I get a drink of water?’ I thought this fell into that category.”

This will register deeply with her because it is reeeally annoying when people do that. Even if doing stuff without asking is sometimes rude, it is definitely better than being thought of as too polite, so she will understand your struggle in finding a balance.

What are your thoughts on proper ass sex etiquette? Which of the above responses is your favorite!? Let us know!

Photo Credit: [you-did]