Finding out > Guessing > Assuming

Assumptions are for amateurs.
Guessing is for the inquisitive.
Finding out (research) is a skill of successful people.

One of the best skills I’ve gained from being a coach/therapist, is the skill of ‘not assuming’. Working with my clients, I have a knack for diving deep to get the closest to client’s intention and meaning to be able to really lift them forward.

Whether it’s in business or life, the worst thing you can do is assume. Assumptions are sealed thoughts without referencing checking if it’s true. And acting upon assumptions moves you in directions that give you crappy outcomes.

Guessing is a little better than assumption. When you guess, you still have the open space to prove right or wrong.

Finding out, discovering the truth is the best advantage. This validates your thoughts and impressions. So many of my coaching clients start out with the assumption that female is going to reject him, ignore him, rip him to shreds if he talks to her. I train my clients to test their assumptions and find out the truth. And when my clients initiate conversations or approach women, they find out that the reaction is much better than they assumed!

You can’t base your business on assuming what your customers want. You’ll waste a lot of money, time and move in the wrong direction. Find out directly from your customers.

You can’t assume the attractive person sitting at the coffeeshop next to you doesn’t want to talk to you. Don’t let something you assumed, not tested yet, let you miss out on opportunities. Again. Find out. I can’t tell you how many of my clients get an A-HA moment when they go find out that initiating conversations with people are more pleasant than what was crafted in their minds.

You can’t assume what your partner’s intentions are. You could be pissed off at them for an entire day, when in actuality, s/he didn’t mean it that way. Find out. Ask.

Instead of assuming what your partner needs, ask them directly. What better feeling than being able to offer partner what they exactly they need. No guessing games. When my man says to me in a caring manner, “What do you need right at this moment? How do you want me to show you?”, I think that’s one of the most proactive and sexy thing a man can do. Both parties are happy of a precise delivery and a grateful receiving.

The truth, your truth, is what you experience.
Don’t believe your assumptions.
Through finding out, multiple times of testing, the experience becomes your truth.

Believe by experiencing.

So comment below about one thing you’re going to find out today.
Because assumptions are for amateurs and I KNOW you’re not one.

In celebration of Love Day, my special gift to you is my e’book for free:
DOWNLOAD HERE-30 Days of Self-Care Challenge.

I CHALLENGE YOU TO 30 DAYS OF SELF-CARE & SELF-LOVE.

This means, for the next 30 days, you’ll have to post on your facebook something small/big that you did for yourself. That’s it. Each day being conscious of an activity of enjoyment for your self-care

My inspiration for this ebook: During a conversation about self-care and self-love with my best friend, Dana (Health & Wellness Coach) she recommended a book written by an international expert on Self-Care (I will leave un-named for now). Yet, after finishing this book, none of it resonated with me. So I decided to embark on my own way of doing 30 days straight of self-care and self-love….To challenge myself to add more consciousness and self-love on a daily basis.

I hope you enjoy it and start your own 30 Days of Self-Care Challenge. You can download the ebook HERE.
You’re more than welcome to share this ebook to your friends.
Each time you share love, share this ebook, a baby unicorn is born

“You are your best investment.”- Vanae

Your mind and heart is stuck on someone.
You’re trying your best to get their attention.
There’s something about them….you just can’t let them slip away.
You’re chasing someone you’re absolutely in to.
But there’s a hole where your heart is and…it’s unfulfilled.

I’ve been there before.

Stimulated by good looks and charm. Feeling high off the ambition track of a gentleman who had his shit together. But compatibility was missing. We were two people who had completely different sets of values. But the strong chemistry blind-sided me and I was left feeling unsatisfied. What I was really longing for was…the sense of security, an unconditional support and safety. Like that feeling you get when a large, heated blanket wraps all around you in a cold night. I didn’t feel that and as you can imagine, that relationship didn’t last long.

“True love is not a wish list but a “wish feeling”

In the article, “The number one thing to look for in a partner”, it encourages us to seek for the quality FEELING, not to check off qualities on a list (looks, job, status, etc). FEELINGS: DOES THIS PERSON GIVE YOU THE FEELING OF TRUST, BEING VALUED AND SUPPORTED? Because this feeling right here, is a feeling that will last much longer than the lusty minute.

Before you can feel love, you must feel trust. In the article mentioned above, it shares “You must have trust in your partner’s character and prioritize finding a partner who is honest, communicative, and empathic—someone who values growing—so you can feel safe to vulnerably be your truest core self with him—and then together the two of you can support one another to grow into your best possible selves.”

Sure, you can go for the hot, gorgeous, bombshell who gives you that hot attraction…it’s what you want. And it fits for right now, for a short time. Then as you get past the one-night stand or couple months of dating, it sets in that you’re unsatisfied about the relationship. Some things are missing. It’s missing compatibility.

What do you need? Qualities and values from a woman who respects you, supports you and treats you like a Man’s man.

WANTS = short term
NEEDS = long term

Reality Check: Could it be that you’ve been chasing the wrong person, the wrong qualities? Be honest with yourself about if your gal/guy is a WANTS or NEEDS for you. Your time spent could be well-spent elsewhere if it’s not the case.

Because I can tell you that when I wake up in the morning next to my man, it’s not his job stability, his status or his handsomeness that I’m feeling. No. When I wake up….I wake up feeling good. Thinking how lucky I am to this man who makes me feel wonderful, supported and valued.

To read the rest of the article, click here.

I have always been a proponent of therapy.

I was a good listener when my close friends talked about their personal therapy sessions. Professionally, four days a week, I conduct therapy with at-risk high schoolers. I recommend therapy to my coaching clients who could benefit from it. Then I produce videos for my webshow, encouraging viewers all the benefits of therapy.

But I, myself, had not experienced how powerful therapy is up until recently.

As a professional container for my therapy and coaching clients, I knew self-care was tremendously important. I finally made a commitment to weekly personal therapy as part of my self-care.

During my 3rd session with my therapist, something deep came up for me. It was pertaining to my brother. He had Bi-Polar Disorder. Something hurtful I said to him. A memory I buried down so deep that I almost didn’t recognize it as a true memory. I wanted to get this off my chest.

With trembling hands,
I was so ashamed,
so sad to say it.

I pulled my sweater up to cover my mouth, with water filling my eyes, it finally came out. It slipped out my lips and now, existed beyond the entrapment of my mind. Now, my therapist knows. This horrible thing I said to my brother years ago when he was alive. I felt like an ugly person for saying it. I had held on to this heavy piece of guilt for 8 years.

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

I could have been a better sister.
I shouldn’t have said that.
What if that contributed to his depression?
What if what I said caused him to take his life?

My therapist looked at me and comforted me. “Vanae, what you said was not the cause your brother’s death…You should forgive yourself”, she said. I sighed, exhaled and cried really hard.

Grief.
and Relief.

I took the next 20 minutes processing my sadness and guilt around it. By the end of the therapy session, this piece of guilt that weighed heavier than a ton of bricks, was released into the universe. It no longer weighed down my soul, my heart. I felt lighter when left my therapist’s office. I felt like me.

Later that evening, I chatted with my sister on the phone. If there was anyone I could share this heaviness with related to my brother, it would be my sister, Hien. I wondered, “Would she judge me when I tell her?”

“Would she be mad and blame me?”

When I shared with her, to my surprise, she responded nonchalantly with “Aww, were you holding that in for a long time? You know you shouldn’t blame yourself. He’d be sad if he knew you were holding on to that and feeling guilty.”

My sister said it so compassionately. For the first time of revealing this, I felt seen. I felt supported.

My sister talked about her own journey of forgiving herself and healing. I reflected about my therapy session with her. She was proud of me. I was proud of us. We’ve had a hell of a journey dealing with the loss of my brother. Dealing with guilt, blame and “what ifs”. But going through this and all the tribulations of my life, and now on the other side as a therapy client…it’s making me a better therapist to serve the world.

And now I can say this:

I am a therapist who finally believes in therapy.

Walking the path as a client and as a therapist – it is powerfully healing. It fuels me with my hybrid of coaching/therapy to do more empowering and healing in the world. And if you have reservations about therapy or coaching, just get a taste of it and experience how powerful it can be for you.

It took me 30 minutes to finally press the ‘submit’ button to share this vulnerable writing with the public. I knew it is something I had to – as a testimonial for the good of therapy, self-work and self-love. This IS part of my self-care. I dedicate this writing to my loving sister, Hien.

{For those who are curious, for the past 3 years, I’ve been finishing up my Masters in Counseling – Marriage Family Therapy. I’ve been training on (what seems like) countless hours of doing therapy with students and families. As my passion and giving back to my community, along side my coaching, is to therapy work with teens and Vietnamese American families to understand mental illness and bring more cohesion for stronger family bonds.}