They traveled for forty days and forty nights across the raging desert to arrive at their destination – the Sheikh’s palace.

The Sheikh knew of Abu Falafel’s reputation as  the King’s personal friend and loyal adviser and did not want to offend him by refusing to marry his daughter to Falafel’s friend.

So, the wily Sheikh asked this of the prospective groom: “My daughter should be married into a healthy and hearty family – so I ask you this – you can have my daughter’s hand in marriage if each and every member of the marriage party eats one whole cooked goat, chewing it down to the bone.”

Mustafa lost all hope after hearing this – he simply thought that there was no way that each man, woman and child of the marriage party could eat a goat on their own.

But some of the members of the party did not want to give up so easily and knew that Abu Falafel would have the answer to this problem – he always has answers to all problems.

They  implored Abu Flafel, the wisest and holiest of men in all of Egypt, to help them out of this predicament. Abu Falafel thought about this for a moment – his face covered with his trademark pensive frown.

Then it hit him! He cleared his throat, as he is wont to before talking about matters eclectic and religious and said to the Sheikh – “Are you batshit crazy, you fucktard?”

There was much rejoicing. They walked back for forty days and forty nights. Mustafa never married.

He traveled for forty days and forty nights across the raging desert to arrive at his destination and lo and behold – he was confronted by Sphinx, the most elegant, powerful and intelligent of the beasts.

And the Sphinx said to Abu Falafel – “I am the mighty Sphinx – a beast amongst beasts. My power is unquestionable – even the gods fear me. None shall pass till they answer my riddle.

So mere mortal – answer this this riddle or prepare to die: What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs during the day and three legs in the evening?”

Abu Falafel knew that this was a easy question for a man of his learning and intelligence and he thought about this for a moment – his face covered with his trademark pensive frown.

Then it hit him! Abu Falafel, the most peace loving and patient man in the whole of Egypt,  looked calmly at the Sphinx – and shot it in the face with a .44 Magnum.

The Sphinx is still sore about it’s missing nose.

He had traveled for forty days and forty nights across the raging desert when he came upon his friend Mustfa’s (the other one) dwelling and decided to stay the night.

Mustafa (the other one) had just married the fairest damsel in the whole of Egypt, a girl whose beauty was only matched by her virtuousness as a maiden.

Mustafa (the other one’s) wife knew of Abu Falafel’s reputation as a wise and learned man, for whom no problem was difficult and so she asked him this privately – “Oh Abu Falafel! I love my husband Mustafa (the other one) – he is an honest and good man. But he asks me to do things in the bed that no girl with my sensitive background would have even heard of! For example, he once asked me to <beep> <beep> panties <beep> paddle <beep> <beep> <beep>. Oh sage man – what shall I do?”

Abu Falafel thought about this damsel’s distress and pitied her predicament. He knew that he had to solve the problem of this fair lady – one who had never heard such crudness in her life -  his face covered with his trademark pensive frown.

Then it hit him! Abu Falafel, the most wholesome and proper of all men in Egypt, looked compassionately at the young bride and said – “Baby, it only seems kinky the first time.”

Mustafa (the other one) is a very happy man.

Saw a stall by Peoples For Animals with puppies for adoption.

Pointed to a cue Labrador puppy and said – “I’ll take that one. Medium Rare.”

I’m not welcome at the flea market anymore.

5. Casanova & Fanny Hill

His idea of playing poker is to chat up any girl with a pretty/slutty profile picture. In she comes and he buys her a glass of Champagne. And she happily chats up this random guy on the Internet…

Why is it bad?

Because somebody needs to tell these love birds that we’re here to play poker – if we wanted to see things that would make us puke, we’d buy (download, really) Paris Hilton’s sex tapes (Vol. 1 – 27). Or look for Bill & Hillary’s version.

And it gets worse…

The interesting part? Their public “courtship” doesn’t stop them from betting against each other like pros going at it. That just leaves you with a warm and fuzzy feeling about their new found romance.

Plus, I can’t get the thought out of my mind – what if these people were to meet in real life and have kids? Is the world ready for that? Are you?

4. The Brothers

Ok – so I’ve seen this only with guys. A couple of guy friends/brothers/lovers are on the same table. One would be a much better player than the other (let’s call the first the Butch and the second the Bitch). The Butch will, obviously, have an order of magnitude more chips than the Bitch.

The Bitch will play badly and and lose all his chips  in couple, maybe even a single, hand. The Butch will then give chips to the Bitch – so that the Bitch can continue to lose his money in the next couple of hands.

Girls don’t do this – they are too bitchy to be nice to each other like this.

Why is it bad?

Because it’s like TARP – you don’t need to pay even if you make a mistake – somebody will bail you out.

And it gets worse…

Simply put, The Bitch doesn’t give you the satisfaction of teaching him a lesson or two about playing poker – even if he plays badly, he doesn’t need to quit.

3. The Cheaters

They will sit diametrically across each other on the table so that there is as many people as possible between them. If one of them gets a good hand, he will signal for the other to raise. He will then re-raise and his partner would re-re-raise – this goes on untill a couple of people drop out of the hand – but they manage to get most people to bet more money than they normally would have.

Telltale giveaway? They also act like The Brothers – if one of them is short on chips, the other will pitch in.

Why is it bad?

Because I can’t dish out the same treatment to them that Matt Damon & Edward Norton got at policeman’s game in Rounders.

And it gets worse…

They ruin perfectly good tables – tables on which are there some juicy fat cats for me to skin…er no…excellent players against whom I would want to try my poker wits.

2. Dude who’s going to call you – no matter what

This stud thinks that poker’s all about balls.

This badass doesn’t understand statistics or probability – there’s the Ace, Six, Two and Queen of Clubs with a Five of Diamonds on the table someone had raised pre-flop. He has absolutely nothing – not even a pair of twos. But he will call the guy holding the King of Clubs.

Why is it bad?

Because he will call everyone equally aggressively and give them all his money – making them chip leaders – even when they played a bad hand.

And it gets worse…

The one time you’re holding the nuts, he decides not to call.

1. Mr. All-Or-Nothing

He has only two betting strategies: fold pre-flop or go all in – there is no other option.

Why is it bad?

Because this guy turns poker from a game of skill to that of luck – simply puts in all his money and hopes for the best. He’ll make you fold a hand which you might have otherwise played.

The sly ones, if they win, will get up and “bank” their winnings and buy in again at the lowest table limit – so that they have an upper limit to how much they can lose.

And it gets worse…

There are the ones who go all in on premium hands like Pocket Rockets or suited Ace-King – but then there are those who go all in if their cards feel “hot” – they’ll bet on an unsuited 2-8 if they feel that they’re going to win that round. And sometimes they do. And you’d called them because you were holding a suited Ace-King.

The girl directing the shoot (or the cameramen) did not know anything about Poker and they asked us just to play normally and they’d shoot what they like.

Ten minutes into the shoot, this happens:

Director Girl: Umm…guys, I’m sorry to interrupt your game and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way – but we’re not getting any expressions on your faces.

Me: Thanks!

So, these guys make us repeat deal after deal, hand after hand, round after round – sometimes because they wanted a safety shot and sometimes because they did not get the shot from the right angle.

I turn over to a friend and whisper: “If these guys started shooting porn – they’d just wear the actors out.”

The friend looks at me and smiles slowly – and then points to his neck – lo and behold – a collar mic!

I look at the Director Girl sheepishly and she just shakes her head slowly and says “The things I hear on these shoots”…

Done.

Where everybody knows you name. And they’re always glad you came.

Friend 1: I want to learn the Salsa.

Friend 2: Hey – I’ll teach you – I know how to dance the Salsa, Merengue and Swing.

Friend 1: No you don’t. You get drunk after six tequilas and you think you know how to dance.

I am christening this the “Six Tequila Swing”.

I think all of us know how to dance this one.