Instead we (me and my various personalities) will talk about my recent trip to Golden Gate Highlands National Park; a trip I’d been looking forward to for WEEKS.

Here follows a short account of my trip:

• I’d gone to GGHNP to showcase my department’s website at a national conference. Mid-way through my presentation, I noticed that the timekeeper was signaling that I only had 5 minutes left. Being a undiagnosed sufferer of Tourette’s, I replied with “Oh shit”, much to the amusement of 170 fellow attendees. I will now forever be known as the “Shit” woman. My parents would be so proud.
• GGHNP has nothing on Kruger National Park. During a 2 hour drive with Mad Phoenix, we spotted a grand total of 2 bokkies. (Confession: At one point we thought they were rhinos …)
• During the conference we heard a troop of baboons making a commotion.

Fahiema: What’s that?

Me: My stomach.

Fahiema: Really?

Yes, really and JLo comes to me for fashion advice.

• There’s nothing like four days in the Free State to make you appreciate Cape Town.

At certain points of most races, runners are supplied with water sachets or cups of coke (the beverage, not the narcotic). At the Langebaan Marathon, not only were runners supplied with a beverage to quench their thirst, but they were also offered jellybeans, oranges and chocolate. At each of these points, I’d come to an abrupt stop (causing a collision with the unsuspecting runner behind me) and shove a chocolate in the pouch of my T-shirt. At the end of the race, I’d shoved so many chocolates down the front of my T-shirt that resembled a human piñata.

Jou Ma Se Comedy

On Thursday night, my friends and I headed over to the Jou Ma Se Comedy Club in Observatory, to catch Nik Rabinovich (and some lesser known comedians) in action. Thanks to Nik, I now know that there is a clan in Kenya that pronounces the letter ‘L’ as ‘R’.

Kenyan: Where are you from?

Nik: South Africa.

Kenyan: Oh, I know a lot about your country.

Nik: What do you know about South Africa?

Kenyan: I know that your president, Jacob Zuma will be having a large erection soon.

Freedom Day

On Saturday, we celebrated Freedom Day (19 years of democracy, baby) and Juan’s birthday. To celebrate this auspicious occasion (I am of course, referring to Juan’s birthday), we trekked all the way to Darling for Evita Bezuidenhout’s latest offering.

Evita is … Pieter –Dirk Uys’ female persona. She provides satirical commentary of the ridiculousness that is South African politics.

Evita: During the apartheid era we weren’t very nice to Archbishop Desmond Tutu. We used to call him a communist. He wasn’t. He is an Anglican.

Evita: My husband used to work for parliament during the apartheid era. He had two portfolios – black housing and water affairs. But he was smart. He combined the two. He built black homes in a dam.

Golden Gate Highlands National Park

Did I mention that I’ll be going to Golden Gate Highlands National Park? So excited.

The hotel was a far cry from Villa Via, Midrand.

“You should have seen the hotel that work put me up in. My towel had a hole in it. There were stains on the sheets. I think it was blood. I couldn’t be sure. The water damage … extensive. The bedroom window wouldn’t open. And I’m not that fussy. I mean, I wore YOUR socks even after you’d already worn them for an hour.

And on the morning that we checked out, I filled out the hotel’s evaluation form. Except I didn’t list ALL of my complaints, there simply wasn’t enough space on the form.

After I’d packed all my belongings, I carry my bags down to the car. And the receptionist sees me. And he offers to help. At first I decline, but he’s pretty insistent. Says that he’s here and he has nothing better to do. So I relent. I’m nice like that.

We then head to the checkout desk. But before I hand over my hotel key, I hand in the evaluation form. This is a pretty dumb move on my part. And he then proceeds to READ the form, right then and there. Can you say awkward? And when he is done, he smiles, it looks slightly forced, and he says, “We need this type of feedback.”

And then, and this is the best part, he proceeds to hand me his number. Says that I’m really nice and that I should call or Facebook him whenever I’m lonely.”

It must be noted that Villa Via’s response to my written complaints was very professional. They apologised profusely, promised to fix up the room and returned 25% of the hotel fee.

*

My flights have been booked. I’ll be heading to the Golden Gate Highlands National Park soon. I’m so excited.

You gotta love my mom.

*

The following conversation took place a few days ago.

Me: Have you heard about the off-duty policeman, who beat up a woman? The incident was caught on camera.

Colleague: Was the policeman black?

Me: Erm, I don’t …

Colleague: Was she black?

Me: Erm, I don’t …

Pause.

Colleague: It’s not that I’m racist. It’s just that black men treat women badly.

Before setting off, I head towards the bathroom, where I am delighted to discover a cockroach lounging between two drinking glasses. (Click on link to view the evidence  image). I stay in crappy hotels (Savoy Hotel, Kimberley) so that you don’t have to.

Two hours into our drive, the colleague slams on the brakes. We slow down from 140km (yes, we were breaking the speed limit) to 60km. A troop of vervet monkeys are crossing the road. Only in Africa.

An hour later, I am sitting behind the wheel when something similar happens. This time, Egyptian geese. Unlike the colleague I do NOT slam on the brakes. I artfully swerve pass the the miscreants and avoid a collision. The colleague is pale. She silently sends up a prayer to the gods.

Later she would very politely tell me that I should have stopped. IMMEDIATELY. That a collision with an animal of that size, at THAT speed, could have led to disastrous consequences – a cracked windscreen at best.

The rest of the journey is without mishap.

And the latest in the travel diaries

On Sunday afternoon at 16:30, a colleague and I boarded a plane to Kimberley, a town in the Northern Cape famous for a big hole in the landscape. You can only imagine my unconstrained excitement at the prospect.

Upon arrival, we headed straight towards our hotel (Savoy Hotel). No sightseeing for us.

Not wanting to forage for sustenance at such a late hour, we decided to head down to the hotel restaurant for supper.

Waitress: All our meat is halaal.

Me: But you have bacon on your menu?