I also did my standard wander around and check all the other nests.

At last count there were:

1 egg in a nest in the stable.

6 eggs in the blackberries

5 eggs in the shed (our shed, not the ducks shed)

2 eggs in 2 nesting boxes

Plus the 16 the oldest duck is sitting on.

That is twenty seven duck eggs, waiting to be sat on.

I also suspect another duck is laying in the paddock next door, and I haven’t found that nest yet.

Every morning is a bit like a duck egg treasure hunt, as for a while, I had ducks laying everywhere and nowhere twice. Under my hedge, on the side of the road, under the pine tree (on the side of the road).

Everywhere.

I’ve also got a broody chook who is on 9 eggs, care of Mum and freecycle.

My biggest issue however, is that I am certain my light grey bantum hen is laying, but do you think I can find a nest? One of the chooks lays in a nesting box every day and yesterday I found one sole egg in the stable in the opposite corner to the ducks eggs, but nothing today.

Let’s just say, hunting for eggs isn’t much fun once you grow up and those eggs are no longer chocolate.

See, the end of winter gets to me, badly. It’s cold still, nothing is growing properly, my garden looks desolate due to not planting a proper winter crop and meals? really? I’ve got to cook them for the family? dammit.

Lazy meals are, for me, things I can throw together in half an hour or less, with no preparation.

Tomato pasta.

Tuna Mornay.

Rice and vegetables.

Cheesy pasta.

All the things I never bother to photograph because really, who wants to see it?

And the meals are a little bit comfort food-y too, boiled potatoes with cheese and garlic butter, plain risotto (although the last risotto I made went cold, because Isaac broke his arm while I was stirring it. Sigh) and pasta with butter and cheese.

Not the healthiest meals exactly, but I console myself with making everything from scratch, so at least it seems healthier.

I’m craving freshly picked greens and stirfry with chicken and garden veg. Craving fresh tomato salsa, made with my own tomatoes. Dreaming of peas and beans and chinese cabbage and butter.

Yep. I think winter is getting to me.

It’s the last few weeks of winter here and after a run of really bad luck, I’m craving comfort food. Chicken and peas, drenched in gravy. Mashed potatoes. Rich tomato and beef casserole.

And Lasagna.

Lasagna is one of those things, it’s a pain in the arse to put together, it uses WAY too many pans for my liking, it’s got different elements and yet sometimes, you just crave lasagna.

Of course, the times when I crave lasagna, I never have pasta sheets on hand, because holy crap but GF lasagna sheets are expensive and as rare as hens teeth. So, doing what I do best, I improvised and just used a layer of spiral pasta between the meat.

I like to add vegies to my lasagna, but being lazy, this time I couldn’t be bothered grating carrots into the mince. So I just cooked it up, very tomatoey and figured we’d cope.

Brown off some onion with a couple of anchovies. Add the mince and cook through. Add a can of diced tomatoes and some tomato paste, some sugar and a little bit of salt. Cook together until it’s rich and delicious tasting. Adjust the seasoning with whatever you like. Once spring hits properly, I’ll have fresh herbs to throw through dishes like this.

Par cook some pasta. Drain.

Make a white sauce and then stir through a cup or so of ricotta. No, I’m not writing the recipe up. I’m lazy. Google it.

In a lasagna dish, or a casserole dish if you’re me, layer white sauce, spinach, pasta and meat, alternating so that you end with white sauce on top.

Top with cheese and put into a moderately hot oven for 30 minutes, or until the cheese on top is golden brown.

Delicious.

***

There is a feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you kill an animal. It’s that sinking feeling as you hit a wallaby in your car, that drop when you have to kill something for it’s own good.

These are the things I thought about as I held a flapping dead chook in my hand this afternoon.

3 hours previously:

Walking to collect the eggs, I entered the shed with the laying boxes and spooked one of my hens – she wasn’t laying, but she bolted when she saw me.

Another hen was laying at the time, curled up in her nesting box as I went down the row, collecting duck eggs and a chook egg.

Only…

Is that a peck hole? In my egg shell? Fuck.

It was, a suspicious peck in an egg – done recently as there was no dirt or grit around the entrance. As recently as me walking into the chook shed.

Fuck it.

Some chooks, they eat eggs. Something happens and they discover what is inside an egg and they start pecking all the eggs to pieces. If left, they’ll teach the other hens how to eat eggs and it will end up terribly. No eggs = no baby chickens = no reason for keeping chooks.

There is only one cure for an egg eating hen, and that is a quick death.

A few days ago, I’d found a duck egg broken in the bottom of the nest. I thought it odd at the time, knowing how tough the shells on my eggs are and I wasn’t sure a duck standing on the egg would have broken it.

I didn’t clean it up at the time, planning to come back and clean the straw and broken mess out of the bottom of the nest when I got a chance. So this morning when I found the pecked egg, I remembered the broken duck egg and went over to clean the nest.

Only to find the entire egg was gone, shell and all.

An egg eater, for sure. A possum or rat, well, they would have taken eggs from the other nests as well and made a right mess.

At this point, I was fairly sure that the chook I’d seen disappear when I walked into the chook shed was my culprit. She didn’t make an alarm call of ‘I was laying and PREDATOR’ or act like the other hens, quietly clucking at me in distaste when I bothered them.

AND she was standing leaning into the nest with the pecked egg.

So, we did what you do with an egg eater.

We caught her and killed her, humanely and fast. One chop and she went from upside down and relaxed in my hand, to dead. It was fast and it was painless for her, over in less than a moment. Slightly more traumatic for me, as my stomach dropped and I felt the feelings that come with slaughtering something.

But this is how it works when you’re making an effort to live more sustainably and only wanting to eat happy, ethical chickens. No one likes killing, (no one normal anyway), but it’s a fact of life.

Once she stopped flapping the death flaps and relaxed, we strung her up by a leg and did what you do – skinning, gutting, cleaning. It took a little while, as it was the first chook I’d done myself. I watched plenty of times as a child, but the actual act of doing, well, slow and steady and all that. There are things I’d never asked my father, like ‘how do you get the lungs out?’ and ‘how do you make sure you’ve got all the unborn eggs and kidneys out?’ but no matter, I worked it out myself. Me and my sharp knife and Nathan chatting to me while I worked. It was okay once I started, less like killing and more like processing meat. No different to gutting and filleting fish – a regular part of my growing up.

And then I brought the meat inside and chopped it into pieces for soup – which is bubbling nicely at the moment.

Tonight when we eat, I will silently thank the chook for living a good life and enabling me to eat ethical meat my way and I will know that this chook, she had the best life possible before she died and that her death wasn’t traumatic, for anyone other than Nat and I. Amy walked outside just after we’d chopped the hen’s head off and we talked about it.

That this is where meat comes from. We don’t get meat from the supermarket, meat comes from animals and our job is to give animals a happy life and ethical humane death.

Note the yellow fat? Proper free range healthy chooks have yellow fat and skin. Supermarket chooks have generally been bleached to make them more ‘attractive’. Personally, I’ll take bright yellow over covered in bleach any day.

This is once I’d broken it down and was browning in olive oil.

Recipe for chicken and potato soup:

Take your chicken, make sure it’s free range and break it down into it’s various elements. Take off the breasts, chop the legs down close to the carcass and remove them from the body. Brown everything in olive oil, including the carcass.

When everything is well browned, add 5 roughly chopped onions and a leek. Let them colour a little. Don’t burn anything!

Deglaze the pot with some white wine if you’re organised, or if you’re me, deglaze with warm water.

Cover the chicken pieces with water and bring to a simmer.

Add 4 large potatoes, chopped.

Cook until the meat falls from the bones and the potato falls apart.

Season with salt and pepper.

When Mum slaughtered her pigs, we knew that I was going to be playing around with making bacon from the belly. This week, I did a trial run, using some pork cheeks from the pigs.

I wasn’t too impressed with the butchering of the cheeks – it seemed like a fair amount of meat hadn’t been cut off of the head. That said, the guy who did the killing didn’t charge very much, so I can’t complain too much.

To start with, I cured the cheeks in some sugar and salt for a week.

A proper cure is meant to contain pink salt (curing salt containing nitrite) however, finding curing salt in Tasmania is like looking for a needle in a haystack, so I gave up and just used regular salt, replacing the quantity of curing salt with regular salt.

Basic Dry Cure:

450g (1lb) of salt
225g (8oz) sugar
50g (2oz) pink (curing) salt.

I halved this recipe, knowing that I didn’t need as much as the recipe made this time around.

After I made the cure, I dredged the pork cheeks in the mix – basically dipping the wiped clean meat into the salt/sugar mix until it’s coated – and then I popped them into a snap lock bag and removed as much air as possible. Laying the bag flat in the bottom of my fridge, I turned it every day for a week.

Now, my bacon was very salty – I would suggest anyone else using pork cheeks to only cure for 3-4 days, or until the meat feels dense when poked.

After the meat had cured, I rinsed it and set it aside to dry.

You can see how the fat has softened and I’ve poked it.

If you’ve got a hot smoker, you then put the cured pork into a hot smoker and smoke it until it reaches 65C in the centre, otherwise, put it into an oven set to 90C and cook it slowly until it reaches 65C in the centre. Then cool.

I don’t have a hot smoker, but I do have a whole heap of ingenuity and so I rigged a smoke infusing mixture in the bottom of my roasting pan. Cherry wood chips (thankyou cherry tree) and a warm oven.

However, it didn’t smoke as my oven wasn’t hot enough. So once the meat had spent long enough in the oven (I don’t have an meat thermometer, I should probably buy one) – which was almost 2 hours at 90C, I popped it onto my stove top and turned the hot plates on underneath the pan. This made the cherry chips smoke rather well, thankyouverymuch.

Well enough at least that I filled the house with cherry smoke and the smell of smoky bacon. I suppose I’m just glad I didn’t have clean washing drying inside this time.

5 minutes of smoke with the whole lot covered in foil and my bacon was lovely and smoky. So was my hair/clothes/hands. Heh.

I cooled the bacon after that and then used it as a base for pasta sauce that night. It was delicious.

Personally, I think curing meat is a huge learning curve and I’ll definitely do things differently next time – like smoking over the BBQ instead of inside and not letting the meat cure for quite so long. Even though it was a little salty, it will make the BEST base for soups and stocks at the moment – because of the meat/fat ratio, I don’t think these cheeks would be the best bacon for serving alone, there really just isn’t enough meat.

The bacon has since been dispatched to the Frogpondsrock household and I’m waiting to hear what they have to say about it.

I’m counting it a success though.

My ducks are happy – not only has there been a little bit of sunshine lately, but they’ve discovered the vegetable garden, full of slugs and snails. And unlike my chooks, the ducks don’t do that much damage.

So yay, happy ducks! Ooooh, they’re going to have such tasty babies come springtime. I can’t wait. Who knows, I might even end up with ducks to share!

HOWEVER.

Coeliac disease? It’s not just an ‘intolerance to gluten’.

No. Coeliac disease is an auto-immune response to gluten, wherein the immune system attacks the gut and intestines.

As the doctor of the show, I suspect the man talking about epi-pens and then mentioning coeliacs in such a flippant tone knows all about that.

But, why on earth perpetuate a myth that coeliacs is just ‘an intolerance’ to the greater public?

Until you’ve had to rub the back of a crying 3yo, while she sits on the toilet sobbing in pain because she accidentally ate something she shouldn’t have, or you’ve suffered with the cramps yourself (disclaimer: I don’t have coeliacs, I mother a child who does), you don’t know just how severe coeliacs is.

Now Amy, she’s so so sensitive. She reacts to glucose syrup, which according to the Coeliac Society is gluten free. I say it’s not gluten free, my daughter is just more sensitive to gluten than your tests are.

And yes, any child who needs an epi-pen has a severe and life threatening allergy and coeliacs is not an allergy (see above re: auto-immune reponse) so we don’t require an epi-pen. And I have friends whose children DO have severe allergies and I feel for them.

Coeliacs won’t kill you instantly like a severe nut allergy would without treatment. However, it doesn’t mean it wouldn’t kill you eventually.

So please, don’t pass off coeliacs in such a flip tone because it makes it harder for me to find acceptance for my daughter in greater society.

***

Now, Masterchef?

God, I am so pissy about yesterday’s episode.

You’ve got 5 hours to put up 4000 canapes, move a little faster people! They were SO FUCKING SLOW. Let’s all just move like we’re in a dreamy state and be all slow and shit.

Oh my god, I’ve not yelled at the TV so much in a long time.

It’s a REAL kitchen, not a pretend one. Work a little fucking faster.

I can’t believe how slow they were. And dreamy.

I wanted to throw things.

Speed it up!

***

And there is my rant.

So, I’ve been watching Masterchef regularly, as I did last season. I’m interested to see what they’re cooking and blah blah blah. Anyway, they had a challenge, to cook a family dinner for a ‘random’ supermarket chosen family.

Now, considering the families all had spotless houses and various other pretty-ing up bits that led me to believe it was all a load of crap, I ended up screaming at the TV a lot.

You know? When you’re cooking for kids, you don’t get to piss around making the kidlets wait for their meal. Also, cooking a family meal while someone else keeps the kids out from under your feet? Jesus, but I’d love to get that happening around here. Instead the children screech at me from one side of the bench while I juggle hot pans and plates on the other side, well lets just say, cooking in a full tilt commercial kitchen is less stressful than cooking for small children while they screech at you.

Give me an angry chef anyday. Much prefer that to a tantrumming toddler.

Yes. Yes I would.

I thought about it some more and would love to imagine a Masterchef team cooking in my tiny galley kitchen. It’s barely big enough for one person, let along eight of them. And we’ll not mention I would fucking love to see them cook gluten free for a night. Seriously, I would. It’s not that hard, but gosh, it would stretch their resources to have to avoid all wheat and a lot of easy options. No bread, no croutons, no noodles.

It would be interesting, to say the least.

However, the good thing about cooking gluten free, aside from learning to read every single label on food, is that everything really needs to be home cooked, from fresh and simple ingredients. Something I am great at now. It gives a whole new meaning to ‘snacks’ when you can’t just give bread and jam, or sandwiches to tide them over.

Anyway – that’s just me. I’d like to see the masterchef contestants stretched out of their comfort zone a little more.

Plus, I thought while I was complaining about gluten free food and mainstream food shows that I’d share my recipe for Gluten Free Chocolate Cake, which is pretty good.

Gluten Free Chocolate Cake:

Separate 3 eggs, free range is good. I’ve got chooks, so I get eggs from them and I know that they’re happy healthy eggs from healthy chooks. How I know they’re healthy? Well, they’ve pecked all my seedlings of kale to pieces, so they’ve GOT to be healthy, right? Plus, the shells are so hard that cracking them is difficult and my yolks are a lovely bright orange.

Pop the yolks into your mixing bowl with a half a cup of sugar. Leave to beat until they’re thick and lucious looking.

While they’re beating, beat your egg whites until soft peaks form and then add 3-4 teaspoons of sugar and beat until dissolved.

Then melt 200g of dark chocolate with 150ml of cream and 2 tablespoons of butter.

To the thick egg yolk and sugar mix add a cup of almond meal, or hazelnut meal, depending on your taste and the contents of your cupboard. Mix in slowly. Add the melted chocolate mixture to the egg yolks and mix in gently. Add 3/4 of a cup of apple sauce as well. When combined, add gluten free self raising flour until the batter looks thick and creamy.

Yes, I do cook by feel more than by measurements. It generally works out to be about 3/4 of a cup of gluten free flour. I use the Orgran brand and love it, it works well. Almost as well as wheat flour.

Once the batter looks all batter-y and cake like, fold the egg whites into it carefully. Pop it into a well greased 20cm round cake pan. I line the bottom with baking paper as well, but that’s because I don’t have a fan forced oven.

Cook at 160C for around 50-60 minutes, or until the cake bounces back when pressed in the middle. Leave to cool in the pan for 15 minutes, before turning out onto a cooling rack. When cool, ice. I used lemon icing and it was delicious.

Ingredients:

3 eggs, separated
1/2 cup of sugar plus an extra 3-4 teaspoons
1 cup of almond or hazelnut meal
200g of cooking chocolate
150ml of cream
2 tablespoons of butter
3/4 cup of apple sauce
3/4 cup of gluten free self raising flour – more or less, depending on how runny your applesauce is. Mine was home made and thick, so I didn’t need as much flour.

Separate the eggs and beat the yolks with the sugar until they’re thick and creamy. While they’re beating, whisk the egg whites to soft peaks and then add 3-4 teaspoons of sugar. Whisk until the sugar dissolves.

Melt the chocolate with the cream and butter and set aside to cool a little.

When the yolks are creamy and thick, add the almond meal and then the cooled chocolate mixture and apple sauce. Mix gently.

Add the gluten free SR flour and combine. When it looks like cake batter, nice and thick (you may need to add more flour), fold in the egg whites and place the entire mix into a greased and lined 20cm cake pan.

Cook at 160C for 50-60 minutes.

Enjoy!

Herb Marinated Lamb Chops:

I was worried, with all the effort I went to, that no one would eat them. It’s murphy’s law with kids though, the more time and energy expended, the less they eat.

However, I needn’t have worried. They were delicious and if the kids didn’t eat any more than normal, I’m not fussed because they did eat some. Isaac was more impressed with the cooked silverbeet to be honest. Obviously he’s his father’s son, because it took until I started growing my own silverbeet for me to be able to eat the bloody stuff. I preferred English spinach any day of the week. And before we start arguing, yes, they do taste different.

I marinated my lamb chops for around an hour, if I was more organised, I would have marinated them for 24 hours. But I’m not, so I didn’t. Organisation isn’t my strong point. I have my internet stuff organised perfectly and I can generally find what I’m looking for, but remembering to plan ahead for dinner? Nope, not something I’m good at.

Now, the all important Marinade – because I’m fairly sure you all know how to cook roasted potatoes and lamb chops.

In a snap lock bag combine:

3 cloves of garlic chopped finely, NOT crushed
half an onion, very finely diced
2-3 tips of fresh oregano, finely chopped
a spring onion, finely chopped
5-6 chives, finely chopped
a small handful of parsley, finely chopped
5-6 mint tips, finely chopped
juice from 3/4 of a lemon
5-6 tablespoons of olive oil
1 teaspoon of salt, more if you like things saltier
1 1/2 teaspoons of sugar

Add the lamb chops and mix to make sure they’re entirely covered with marinade. Squeeze the snaplock bag to remove as much air as possible before sealing. Set aside in the fridge for as long as you can bear.

Trust me, it’s delicious.

If you don’t have the herbs I did, experiment with what you’ve got. I’m lucky enough to have fresh herbs in the garden all year around. Previously, when I was living in rented properties, I used to grow all my herbs in window boxes. So worth it.

Also, I get a little bit obsessive about things and I tend to, once I start, make an awful lot of something. I mean, currently, I’ve got 20 jars of various things I’ve made in the bottom of my cupboard. I probably don’t need to make any more, but I’m getting twitchy at the amount of cooking I’ve not been doing. Cooking dinner for kidlets doesn’t count.

So, strawberry jam. Jam isn’t nearly as difficult as people would have you believe. In fact, jam is probably the simplest thing ever to make.

Ingredients

equal amounts of fruit and sugar.

See? EASY.

If you’re using soft fruits like strawberries, I’d also add the juice from one lemon, to help with the setting.

Chop the strawberries up and put them into a pot with the lemon juice and sugar. Stir over a medium heat until the sugar has dissolved. Let it simmer until it starts to look thicker and jammy like. I then take a bamix to it to smooth it out, but some people like chunks, so that’s your personal choice.

Once it’s cooked, pour it into hot sterilised jars (hot soapy water and then 5 minutes in the oven works for me) and do the lids up tightly. I use the ‘pop top’ lids, because they will reseal as the jam cools, leaving you with perfectly sealed and sterile jars.

Then you can serve it on pancakes, or whatever takes your fancy.