Very Important News

Rumor Mill: Prince Gets Nighted

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 17:04:00 +0000

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

80's superstar, Purple fan and suspected self fellatio-ist, Prince has indicated that he may be in the running to star in M Night Shyamalan's next film. "He said I had great presence and extraordinary looks. With my music career in the toilet this may be my only hope!"

Twist-meister Shyamalan on the other hand had this to say, "No, I told him I wanted some great presents and that he was an extraordinary kook. Though I'll let him believe he's got the role. When he finds out the truth it will be a great twist! And you know I love those!"

Yes, yes you do Night!

The Buzz: Whoopi! Goldberg retires from acting?

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 16:14:00 +0000

Report by Mr Smith

Ugly "comedienne" Whoopi Goldberg has announced she is retiring from acting to concentrate on her broadcasting career.

The loud mouthed "actress" , (who is allegedly 102 years old), insists there's "no room" for her in Hollywood anymore because there are younger, more glamorous actresses taking all the jobs.

She told unsurprised talk show host Larry King (who is allegedly younger that Whoopi Goldberg) "You know, there's no room for the very talented Whoopi. There's no room right now in the marketplace of cinema."

Larry King responded with a chuckle, and then realised Goldberg was not joking.

The Buzz: K.O. KO'd

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 14:22:00 +0000

Report by Mr Jones

Unattractive loudmouth Kelly Osbourne is trying to mount a comeback after being banned from ever appearing in public last year. The highly popular decision was passed by the senate last month but despite society's entire objection she still will not remain quiet.

"I am an annoying loudmouth so what! I will continue to impose my hideous face and equally obnoxious voice upon the world! I don’t care!" she shrieked.

Surprisingly, plastic surgery magnet Paris Hilton, horse faced ex-singer Victoria Beckham and STI addict Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan have all rallied around Kelly. "She makes even us seem palatable! Without her all of the world's disgust will be forced upon us! Previously our pathetic lifestyles had been overshadowed by her antics but now we have no hope!" whined equine-like former Spice "girl" Beckham, who then had to leave as she was running in the Grand National later that day.

Meanwhile all the members of the 'Save Kelly' protest group have been mysteriously killed in a firework related incident at a firework factory they had been invited too.

The Buzz: G-String Unit?

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 18:50:00 +0000

Report by Mr Jones

Tough guy rapper 50 Cent has confessed that he likes to wear women's underwear. "It feels so good! I especially like the crotchless ones! It just hangs out! Wait is that microphone on? Oh no! Umm I mean yeah I like to see WOMEN in women's underwear!!! Please believe me! Don’t run away! Come back!!!"

He never did catch up with our gutsy reporter, mainly due to the full length ball gown Fiddy was wearing at the time.

Rumor Mill: Mission: Incredible

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 14:46:00 +0000

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Fresh from helping a couple in trouble last year, shamed movie star Tom Cruise has been spotted helping another pair of down and outs at a premiere in London last week. The star spotted two Asians - an Indian man and a Chinese man who were seen walking away from the première to a nearby all-you-can-eat buffet – concerned that they weren’t going towards the première to join the onlookers Cruise told his armed security to escort the pair right to the front of the line where they had the good fortune of being able to meet Cruise face to face and hear almost 35 minutes worth of anecdotes.

"Yes, recently, I Tom Cruise, saviour of mankind and Thetan master mentalist, helped two ethnic minorities on my missionary travels in London - they were clearly wretched and diseased and I saved them by my touch alone. I am thinking of adopting them as they obviously have no family. Aren't I a maniac?! No, no I'm not I'm just a guy who loves his kids and also I love your kids more than you do too cos I'm just great. I am also hoping to cure Bird Flu this afternoon assuming my meeting with Ron Howard is cancelled. Vote Cruise!"

All I have to say is, is there anything this man CAN'T NOT do?

The Buzz: Super Model Gets Wrong Role... Model

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:56:00 +0000

Report by Mr Jones

On a recent casting call for the proposed straight to video prequel Dog vs. Man 2: Female Dog vs. Female Man, producers were surprised to find Naomi Campbell in the waiting line. When asked what she was doing there she responded: "I'm here for the movie, I heard they needed a bitch."

Producers however did not clarify that the role was actually for a canine and allowed her to audition, why you ask? Mainly to humiliate her.

Rumor Mill: Keanu's Not So Excellent Adventure

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 17:06:00 +0000

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

"Neutral looking" actor Keanu Reeves was accidentally locked in a wooden crate yesterday in a bizarre incident. The occurrence occurred in Beverley Hills, as the "blank faced" Matrix star was shopping. He was looking at some jeans when a group of teamsters picked up the actor and placed him in a wooden crate, they then hammered it shut and carted it away to the storage area. It took over three hours before staff released the mistake.

Keanu had this to tell us "Well it seemed those guys confused me with a mannequin and carted me off in a box! I guess it's not such a strange mistake to make. I didn’t really like being in the box but I am far too polite too make a fuss. Plus it was nice to be able to hang out without getting bothered!"

All I can say is Keanu Reeves' reputation for being the nicest man in Hollywood is surely undamaged!

Dogg's Eye View: On Whether There Will Ever Be A Black President

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 18:38:00 +0000

The Very Important News Network is always endeavouring to bring more distinct viewpoints of all the major events of our times. To that end VIN is proud to introduce our newest guest columnist, Kool Dogg.

Mr Dogg is a “straight up gangsta” from the mean streets of New York via the tough ‘hoods of L.A. Our new ethnic reporter joins us for his unique take on the news. This uncompromising view represents the hard reality of life and the real word on the streets. Today on VIN, Kool Dogg on whether there will ever be a black president.

“Jay-Z is the president already! Don’t you know nothing pops? Jigga my n***a!”

Rumor Mill: P. I. N. Kraut?

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 14:42:00 +0000

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Shocking everyone today is the news that former RnB star, current angry rock/pop/crap star Pink is actually a German!

The sassy singer, real name Alecia Moore, broke out in the late 90's surprising everyone by being both white and an RnB star! She came to her senses later when she ditched the melodic caterwauling for rockier miming but scandal has always followed her, primarily the accusation that she is German. Her highly masculine face and burly body were the key giveaways, but today she will reportedly set the record straight!

"Yes its true Ty, I am a Kraut! I am surprised not more people realised after listening to my manly voice and watching me dance in a manly fashion whilst looking like a man in drag! This however does not make me a Nazi though I admit I am partial to goose-stepping and do love a bit of Sauerkraut and Wienerschnitzel!"

Rumor Mill: X Marks The Spook?

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 13:18:00 +0000

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Looks like David Duchovny, the X-Files and Evolution star is having some troubles in his new house. The actor thought he would be a big star after the X- Files finished and splashed on a huge house with his wife Tea Leoni who also assumed she would become a big star. A string of flops in a row have now meant that the pair had to downgrade to a smaller house but they didn’t bet on the house being haunted!

Local real estate agent and suspected psychiatric patient Chris "Dunny" Dunne had this to say "The house I sold them is haunted! The house was built on a burial site where the worst serial killers of all time are buried! I told them not to buy it but they were so desperate! At night you can hear the sounds of the dammed mwa ha ha ha!"

Sounds like a case for The X-File's Fox Mulder aka David Duchovny!

The Buzz: Kobe Gets His Goat

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 13:47:00 +0000

Report by Mr Jones

Superstar basketball player and rape "suspect" Kobe Bryant has once again been arrested for an improper and aggressive sexual act. However this time the LA Lakers star has reportedly had sexual relations with a goat!

This is what he had to say just before he was arrested before last night's game "The genius is that this is not illegal unlike the other time when I raped that woman! What it is illegal? Man, I got the worst layer!!"

Yes Kobe, looks like you do!

The Buzz: West Is Not Best (Again)

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 14:29:00 +0000

Report by Mr Jones, Live at the MTV VMAs

Whiny perennial awards loser Kanye West yesterday weighed in after bemoaning that not only was Britney Spears allowed to appear at the MTV VMAs and he wasn’t but that also didn’t win any awards - again.

At the show the artists either performed on the main stage, smaller "fan" booths or both. West on the other hand was only allowed to perform in the janitor's closet but only if he assisted with toilet unblocking duties.

According to my backstage source at MTV, West started getting visibly upset after watching the closing performance featuring Justin Timberlake, Timbaland and Nelly Furtado. "He started grabbing bystanders and asking anyone who'd listen why he wasn't allowed to perform on the main stage.

"How come I wasn’t on the main stage? Justin's my boy, but even he gets to perform on the main stage and in a booth? And I been unblocking toilets all night! It's not fair! Waa! Waa! And how come I didn’t win again? My videos were crazy expensive yo! Man I bribed every judge and even gave the head of MTV a reach around! What's up with that? Waaaa!"

He also told me that he pledged to never work with MTV again. MTV bosses were reportedly high fiving each other shortly after.

VIN IS BACK! Hooray! BRITNEY IS BACK! Oh dear!

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 08:52:00 +0000

Report by Mr Jones, Live at the MTV VMAs

Very Important News celebrated the end of its annual summer vacation with its annual trip to the MTV VMA awards. VIN has had a long time association with the awards and in recognition of this the entire VIN staff including Mr Smith, Ty & Clarissa Scheissberg, were made guests of honour.

The highlight of the music love-in was the much anticipated comeback of VMA favourite Britney Spears with her new song "Gimme More". Over the past few months Spears has been the subject of much conjecture and mockery. VIN was greatly concerned by the recent troubles that Britney was going through. We miss the days of the tight outfits, the sexually suggestive dancing and the odd vocals - and so we were all looking forward to the promise of a show stopping performance.

Unfortunately the performance stopped the show for all the wrong reasons. The former teen superstar stumbled on to stage seemingly unaware of her surroundings and then forgot the lyrics before miming about 5 seconds out of sync with the song. She then ranted about why the War was a good thing and that she was hoping to enlist next month and "whoop some Ass" and later pointing to Kanye West screaming "Kanye West doesn’t care about White People" before being dragged off the stage by her dancers.

Even fellow nominees were shocked by the performance. 50 Cent who was in the crowd was said to be grimacing but we are not sure if this was due to Britney or just his regular expression. Justin Timberlake was seen to be giggling uncontrollably with Scarlett Johansson while Christina Aguilera was literally rolling on the floor laughing her ass off. Host Sarah Silverman was merciless with her post Britney jibes and even threatened to elaborate more on her Comedy Central show The Sarah Silverman Show - fortunately for Britney it is unlikely that anyone will actually watch it.

Watch the video here.

We at VIN salute Britney's pluck and determination and are sure this setback won't hamper her return to her hit making days - we are sure the public will forgive her. Why? Well mainly cos she's hot.

VIN Is On Vacation!

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 08:38:00 +0000

The Very Important News Network is now on vacation and will be returning in September with even more of the juiciest news so watch this space!

Remember if it's not on VIN, its not important!

The Very Important News Staff

Rumor Mill: Witch Potter star loves the supernatural?

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 16:55:00 +0000

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Experts' have discovered that the 'evil yet admirable' Harry Potter villain Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton) is related to real-life WITCHES.

The 'part time actor and full time snooty pupil of Hogwarts' is descended from convicts hanged during the notorious Salem witch trials in 1692.

A researcher, David Nelson, with nothing better to do concluded:

“I have discovered concrete proof of a link between Tom and some of those who were executed. He is a distant relative of John Proctor — who was hanged on August 19, 1692.”

Mr Nelson from the great Salt Lake City of our great USA, has been probing the Salem witches’ history for four years, he shouted surprisingly:

"I have sent my findings to the evil witch Malfoy family yet they have only replied with angry messages such as go away, and I once got an eye of a newt through the post, but here's hoping for an autograph!"

Strange but true? The great minds at VIN can only wonder.

Rumor Mill: Clooney finds no love for Paris

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 16:36:00 +0000

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Silver haired butler' George Clooney has demanded an apology from a media outlet after he was misquoted bad-mouthing jailed bimbo Paris Hilton.

The 'sexy voiced houseworker' was quoted as saying, "You can only get so far without discernable talent - then you either work, or use cheap publicity tricks to keep the public's attention. Paris has no reason to complain if she is on the end of bad publicity."

According to a representative for Clooney he was actually meant to say "Paris Hilton is a bitch. We (me and Brad) all hate her."

It doesn't look like Clooney will be staying at Hilton hotels after those comments!

Game ON! With Sakura & The Dude: Miyamoto's Masterpiece?

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 16:29:00 +0000

Hi guys! We caught up with gaming legend Shigeru Miyamoto last week to find out about his ideas for his next game.

Here's what he had to say: "I have some ideas. One is that in Japan, there are a lot of trains that have sections reserved for the elderly or pregnant women. Young people in Japan sometimes sit in them, but if people come up and need them, you are supposed to get up. But most of the kids don't! It really upsets me.

If I could build a game that somehow made the young people respect their elders... And there is another issue bugging me. In Japan there are a lot of people who freelance or work under the table — people who don't pay any taxes. I look at places in the world where people understand that paying taxes to the government helps society. In Japan there's not that understanding. So [social responsibility] is yet another issue I might address in a game."

Sounds... great!

The dude says: I like to sit on pregnant women.

The Buzz: Omarion wants to be hOm-Alien?

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 17:54:00 +0000

Report by Mr Smith

‘Dancer’ Omarion has told reporters that he wants to be taken seriously as a musical artist and that he isn’t all about his dance moves. The ‘You’ve Got Served star' told my spies (in the third person) while dancing fruitily:

“Omarion is a musical genius. Pray for Omarion, pray for him to become greater than he already is. My song 'Icebox' is surely the most intelligently lyrically written song ever! Everything pales in comparison. Pray for Omarion. OMARION!!!!!!”

Omarion is currently auditioning for a role as the homosexual alien in David Spade’s new film, Dog Vs Alien.

Rumor Mill: Kenny Zzz?

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 17:05:00 +0000

Report by Mr Smith

‘Frilly haired musician’ Kenny G has allegedly admitted that even he has fallen asleep during recording his tracks for his new album ‘Elevator music: sounds of the aged’.

The self proclaimed ‘sexyphonist’ said:

“My new album ‘Elevator music: sounds of the aged’ is all about feeling, soul, and something that I really can’t remember. It is actually quite boring, so boring that I fell asleep while playing the sexyphone during the recording of this album. But it will make me some money and I will be able to continue my $50,000 monthly fee for hair products.”

The Buzz: Just Shoot.. the aliens?

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 16:58:00 +0000

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

‘Star of the failed vehicle Dog Vs Man’ David Spade is to star in a new film Dog Vs Alien. Spade said enthusiastically:

"They have totally reworked the project Dog Vs Man, taking out the parts of the Man, and completely revamped it up and taken it to the next level. He is not a man no more. He is an alien! This means it will be probably be more exciting and more fun. We are trying to get someone to play the part of the homosexual alien. This film will definitely go into production, if it doesn’t. Just shoot me!”

Same old jokes, same old Spade.

Rumor Mill: Letterman loves Leching?

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 17:38:00 +0000

Report by Clarissa Scheissberg

'Ugly and unfunny television presenter' David Letterman has allegedly revealed that he likes to watch people intently in parks, whlie wearing his long brown jacket.

When asked about his habit he allegedly replied: "Yes... yes I do" while grinning inanely in the way that only Letterman knows how.

After questioning he continued to look at a couple in a lover's tryst at a near by tree for several hours.

The Buzz: Apologiser Teaser Poster

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 16:07:00 +0000

VIN World Exclusive!

Exclusive by Mr Jones

VIN broke the news last year of the new Martin Scorsese and Tom Conti film "The Apologiser” from uber production house D & T Productions and now is the first to bring you an exclusive look at the teaser poster!

Click on the image for a larger version.

The Buzz: Jason Statham Interview!

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 18:38:00 +0000

World Exclusive Interview by Mr Jones

Hollywood action man Jason Statham took time out of his busy schedule of dancing in front of a mirror and beating people up to speak to VIN exclusively about his latest projects.

VIN: First of all Jason I have to say you look great!

Jason Statham: Thanks Mr Jones! In my line of work I have to be in peak physical condition. I used to go to the gym a lot but then I realised that dancing in front of my bedroom mirror and listening to power ballads really gave me the workout I need.

VIN: Fantastic! So tell us about your new film Bank Day?

JS: It’s a great big action packed Jerry Bruckheimer thriller! I wasn’t sure about another action film - I was planning to act in a classy period film where I play an 18th century dandy but when Jerry Bruckheimer calls you, you gotta answer! The script is written by some newcomers so I was unsure but when I read my big line, "Time to take out the tax!" in a delicious pun I knew I just had to do it!

VIN: Great, great, so what's the situation with Checkmates?

JS: Well Mr Jones I can't talk much about it but seeing as it's for VIN I'll tell you the gossip. Basically our director Milos Forman was very disappointed with the script. It called for our new addition to the cast Andre 3000 to defeat a chess grandmaster by using a new move called the "Hip Hop rook to da castle smash grab" which involves one piece talking out all the others in a combo manoeuvre. Unfortunately the chess community are in uproar as this move isn’t actually used in chess. And they claim it's an insult for a move to rewrite the centuries old rules of chess for a movie. Shows how much they know! Anyway Andre 300 has pulled out now and we will be replacing him with Michael Richards who will be blacking up to play the role of Chess Dogg, it's actually part of his community service after his racial outburst.

VIN: So Andre is out and Kramer is in?

JS: Yes that’s right! We have also had some problems with Paul Walker who can't convincingly play chess on screen. We have resorted to using stunt hands for the close ups but its still proving to be a stressful environment. Forman keeps threatening to quit but fortunately Uwe Boll is ready in the wings should this happen.

VIN: Well Jason thanks for talking to us exclusively for VIN!

JS: Its always a pleasure for VIN and Mr Jones! Now I have to get back to my tunes and my mirror!

And with that Hollywood hard man returned to pumping his glistening guns to Bonnie Tyler's Hero. The definition of masculinity has surely just been rewritten by this supremely talented star. VIN predicts big things for Jason! You can BANK on it!

The Buzz: Great Scott!

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Thu, 31 May 2007 09:04:00 +0000

Report by Mr Jones

English (and therefore classy) director Ridely Scott (no relation to Tony Bennett) was in LA today talking about the recent release of his 2005 mega flop Kingdom Of Heaven on Blu Ray disc.

"I reviewed my Director's Cut of Kingdom of Heaven, which is 3 hrs and 8 minutes thereabouts, on Blu-ray Disc and I was astounded. It was the most impressive thing I've ever seen."

Good to know he is still modest!

Rumor Mill: Lord Of The G-Strings?*

noreply@blogger.com (Very Important News) — Wed, 30 May 2007 17:35:00 +0000

Report by Tyler "Ty" Deschanel

Lost star Dominic Monaghan has admitted that he likes to dress in women's clothing.

The actor who first shot to fame in the hugely successful Lord Of The Rings films explained that he is happy to describe himself as a "metrosexual" and thinks he "should probably be gay".

"I wear make-up and I paint my nails. I wear high heels and women's underwear. This is all true. I like wearing skirts," Dominic explained. "I should probably be gay but I like women too much."

"I am kind of metrosexual in the sense that, if I do get lost, I do ask for directions. I pull over to gas stations and ask. So I don't know. I guess guys have a lot of pride. And not just gay pride! But just to reiterate I am not actually gay." He then minced off in a ball gown and tiara whilst groping the buttocks of Lost co-star Josh Holloway and singing I Will Survive.

* Not to be confused with the soft core parody of the same name.