It’s Friday, might as well get a little deep, right? Who needs to go into the weekend free-spirited and feathery.

Not I says the bear.

Since the movie Precious hit theaters, everybody (literally) has been talking about the performances of two people, Mo’Nique and Gabourey Sidibe (Gabby). She’s graced magazine covers and done the talk show circuit, even making it to Oprah. She was even nominated for a best lead actress Oscar that was handed to Sandra Bullock for playing a white person saving a Black person who also happens to be saving a white person.

I love magical Negroes. Bagger Vance.

Back to Gabby. America loves an underdog. And she is an underdog. But she is however, a very very talented actress. Thing is, she’s competing in an industry where Keanu Reeves still gets work. Which begs the question, does talent really win out in Hollywood. Such was the discussion on Howard Stern’s show the other day that caused somewhat of an uproar amongst the Black community (well, I don’t know many white people so its possible white people were up in arms too) as people couldn’t believe how ignorant and shortsighted Howard Stern and Robin could be regarding Gabby. But his comments got people to thinking and talking. To wit:

During Howard Stern’s Sirius satellite show on Monday morning, co-host Robin Quivers commented that Sidibe should have looked around at the Oscars and noticed that none of the other working actresses looked like her.

“What movie could she play in?” Stern questioned on his live broadcast. “You feel bad because everyone pretends that she’s part of show business, and she’s never going to be in another movie.”

While his premise is clearly flawed (she’s already been tapped for another movie and has a recurring role on a cable TV show), his point of major mainstream success and role-floodgates opening isn’t so far fetched. I mean, face it, there are only so many roles for Black women period and they keep going to the same people. She’s not classically pretty and she’s a rather big girl. She just so happens to have the personality and charm to win people over. But it’s still a business built on selling pretty people to people who want to be the pretty people.

I think that she has a future in movies, just not mainstream America movies. And I also think that she’s been exploited a little bit lately. We all love a good story of somebody making it despite the odds. The thing is, we have really short attention spans and the next person to make it despite the odds will knock her right off the front pages. I like to hope not, but Howard and Robin weren’t necessarily so wrong. Not in Hollywood anyway.

Then again, there is always Maggie Gyllenhall, a woman who is about as attractive as my left shoe but people find roles for her to play. Then again, she’s tall, thin, and white. I think the optimist in all of us wants to believe that there are big things in the future for her (no pun intended…seriously, I wasn’t trying to take a shot…no, for real), but reality is a motherf*cker.

So I bring it to you, my good pals of VSB, is there a place for Gabby at the table in Hollywood? Or have we seen the last of her (outside of a Tyler Perry movie and indy films and documentaries)?

What it be like?

(By the way, I know everybody loves her. That has nothing to do with anything here. If skills sold truth be told…well, you know the rest.)

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Related posts:

1. black “firsts” we won’t be seeing anytime soon
2. four reasons why i won’t watch precious

By most accounts, Tony!Toni!Tone!’s song “Anniversary” is a great song. It was a top 10 song on both the Billboard Pop Charts and the R&B charts when it was released back in 1993 (!). It was on their double platinum album, Sons of Soul, a multi-platinum album which, again, by most accounts was pretty doggone good.

Except I hate both. I own every album by the group except that one. When I found out DJ Quik had produced their song, “Let’s Get Down” I was totally sold. Of course, “Let’s Get Down” sounds a lot like the MC Eiht diss track, “Dollaz + $en$e” but that’s neither here nor there.

Fact is, I HATE “Anniversary”. And considering how that song gets played on people’s anniversaries probably daily at this point doesn’t help. It’s like a stake being driven through my heart, every time.

You want to know why, don’t you?

Of course you do.

Have you seen my copy editor? No?

F*ck it. Mo’ for me.

It was 1993 and I’d just moved to a new school in a new community and had begun gathering friends. Well the best friend of my sister’s new best friend’s cousin’s homegirl had said that she had had a girl that would be great for me to meet. Now, me being the 3 that I am wasn’t always such a hot commodity. Like I said yesterday, I had a little Urkel thing going on. Plus I was short. Like Skeelo’s song “I Wish” was my theme music on some Shaft sh*t.

But I was confident. She went to our rival high school but I wanted to meet her and since I was new, I was still riding high of the new kid buzz. So I meet this young lady, and man is she hot. I was flabbergasted at just how hot she was (turns out she later ended up marrying a very popular Dallas Cowboy). I’m guessing she was less than enthused with yours truly (perhaps I was  2 back then), but she thought I was nice and sweet and all the things little lap dogs are. And her birthday was coming up. So I, Prince Charming, asked her what she wanted and it was that TonyX3 album.

While I may be rich in friends, love, and baseball cards, money has always been a struggle. Basically, I had none but I was determined to get that CD for her. So I begged my parents for the $15 bucks and stole my parents car and drove to the mall to buy the album. On the night of a big football game between our school and hers I planned to give it to her. I’d heard the song “Anniversary” but I’d never really listened to it. Everybody comes back to my house after the game, ole girl included, with my crew of dudes (all football players…sans moi, Urkel) and in show of chivalrous generosity, I give her the CD with a big grin on my face.

She smiled. I smiled. She tore open the wrapping popped in the album to the song, “Anniversary” and played it and began singing. Sounded like an angel to my ears. Until…

…she proceeded to run up to my boy (who she apparently had a huge crush on) and tells him, “one day this will be our song!” and kisses him on the lips.

In my house. In my motherf*cking establishment.

So yeah, f*ck the song “Anniversary” and f*ck Sons of Soul.

At least God, Allah, or whoever you pray too wasn’t messing with me, they went on to date for at least five years.

Well, you’ve heard my story, what songs have been ruined for you because of relationships, love, and alcohol?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Related posts:

1. 10 Hip-Hop Songs Everybody Should Just D*mn Know.
2. Club-Bangers: 5 Songs That Are Guaranteed To Get The Party Started Right and Quickly
3. 10 Worst Hip-Hop Love Songs

Hey VSBs and VSSs,

We have some exciting housecleaning announcements for you all:

1. Some of our readers asked us to get on Tumblr so they could keep tabs on us over there. Your wish is our command: Follow us here. For now it’s just an imported feed, but we might do some other things with it later.

2. A few of you were asking if you could subscribe to The VSB Files on iTunes. I’m happy to announce we’ve been added to the iTunes Podcast directory: Click here to subscribe. You can subscribe to the podcast’s regular feed over here. We’ll be back with new episodes shortly!

3. A new feature we’ve been trying out over the past week is AskChamp. The Champ really wanted a way to answer your dating questions via Twitter, but we thought adding a layer of anonymity (and more character space) would help people open up a little more, if you know what I mean. We hooked up a FormSpring account that feeds to our Twitter account. Our Twitter followers have been enjoying Champ’s answers, so be sure to follow us on Twitter and feel free to drop your questions in the AskChamp widget on our website’s sidebar. You can also enter your love questions directly on the AskChamp page.

4. If you can’t get enough of The Champ, you’re in luck because he is (finally) going on the road! I thought Champ had strict orders to never leave the State of Pennsylvania, but he’s coming to Washington DC for the Modern Day Matchmaker event, where he will be a featured panelist for the show! The event goes down Saturday, March 27, 2010 at 6:15 PM (ET) at Gala Theatre, 3333 14th Street NW, Washington, DC 20010. Tickets are $20 for the show, and $10 for the after-party. FOR VSB READERS WE ARE OFFERING A $5.00 DISCOUNT ON TICKETS! Use the discount code VSB at checkout to receive your discount. The code applies only to the full access show & after-party ($25) and show-only ($20) tickets. We only have a limited amount of tickets to sell at the discount rate, so it’s first-come, first-served. Get your tickets now!

That’s it for now.

Feature requests, suggestions, complaints? You can keep them to yourself always e-mail us, we’re all ears.

~Liz

Related posts:

1. Introducing VSB Live
2. overtime pay: the four sexiest professions (according to the champ)

I remember the first time I saw A Different World.

Okay, that’s a lie but it sounds better than saying, I don’t remember seeing A Differernt World for the first time, right?

Anyway, I do vividly remember the character of Dwayne Wayne. Mostly because of the flip-up glasses. I wanted some of those glasses so badly.

Michael Jackson.

He reminded me of the grown version of what I thought I’d be (in 1989 I was like 10). He was a nerd. Check. He wished he could *^*& every girl in the world. I’m sure by 1992 (and beyond) that was a goal of mine. And he was smitten with women who initially didn’t want anything more than friendship from him.

I? Was the friendship guru. Shucks, I was the guy ALL the chicks would say, “aww, Panama is such a good friend, the little guy!” I didn’t actually grow until like 11th grade. Seriously, my little sister was shorter than me.

At some point, Steven Q. Urkel became the guy I thought I was except I was only like him in his odd love for odd things. I had plenty of odd loves in my life. I used to eat ants and I thought reading the encyclopedia was what everybody was doing when they weren’t out playing basketball. But unlike Urkel, I was an athlete and coordinated like a mothertrucker and I didn’t have a Laura to keep me focused.

But you know what else? I always felt that I had a little bit of Martin Payne in me too. See, he was an untall brotha who’s greatest gift in life was his gift of gab. That’s me all day. You see, being the 3 to the stars means that nobody’s looking at me, stopping, and saying to themselves, “giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl, that is a fine specimen of man.”

I mean, I’m sure it’s happened at least once, but Helen Keller’s cousin doesn’t count. And she was mute anyway, so I guess she didn’t say it.

You hear what I’m saying?

Rimshot.

I would claim a little bit of Christopher Williams, but that’d be all because of the lightskinnteded-ness. But I never beat women and Puffy will NOT be raising my estranged child. Oh wait, that’s Al B. Sure. You see how confusing light skinntedness is? Exactly.

Then we have pre-uber super movie star Will Smith. I always fashioned myself to be a bit of a goofy, charming, guy with the best intentions that tended to go awry. While I wanted to be some facet of a bunch of other people, I related to Will character like none other. Of course, I’m not from Philly nor did I play the piano and the dinner stemware like a champ. I also didn’t live in Bel-Air nor have I ever been to West LA. But much like Will, I always dated the hot chicks that were inexplicably attracted to the goofy guy who made them laugh. Not sure why humor works so well with women, but if you can make a chick laugh, you can make a chick…cry.

DOUBLE ENTENDRE!

Oh and my best friend in life. Is totally Jazz. Like thru and thru down to the ignant comments and ability to get himself (true story) physically removed from a love interests home by her father.

So basically, I feel like I’m a combination of Dwayne Wayne, Urkel, Martin Payne, and Will Smith (Fresh Prince).

Oh…and GUCCI!!!! Burrrr.

Okay that’s a joke.

Maybe not a combo deal, but more like those are the characters I feel most closely relate to me while I was growing up and even who I am today in adulthood.

He is I and I am him; slim with the tilted brim.

I am legend.

What characters from TV/Movies/entertainment could you have been based on your life and upbringing?

(By the way, I’ll bet $20 dollars of your money that at least 75 percent of people will name a Cosby kid.)

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

No related posts.

Sad to say, but a lot of you ninjas don’t know how to act. I’d love to say that’s an opinion, but really, that is more factual than anything you’ll find on Wikipedia. Well, it seems that some locales in New York City have come to realize this very fact, namely, Chuck E. Cheese. To wit:

Harlem’s Chuck E. Cheese is now a maximum-security play penitentiary.

As they enter the arcade and pizza parlor “where a kid can be a kid,” parents and their young children are given a list of prohibitions more stringent than Rikers Island’s.

“No gang-style apparel, including but not limited to hats, shirts, buckles, bandanas, towels,” reads an enormous sign installed last month.

“No gang-type conduct or behavior, including verbal slogans, greetings, hand signs or intimidation. No weapons or tools or any sort whatsoever; including knives, chains, screwdrivers, glass cutters.”

By comparison, visitors to Rikers Island are not banned from wearing gang colors, but skimpy or “see-through” garments are prohibited.

Oh, the places we will go. Of course, I’d love to call racism (it is, I mean it’s only the Harlem branch), but I’ve been to the Magic Johnson’s theater in Harlem when folks started acting a damn fool on some gangbanger stuff. Not to mention the Applebee’s in Bed-Stuy on Fulton that required me to remove my hat as it could be construed as a gang-symbol. Or the Ruby Tuesday’s here in DC that doesn’t sell dark liquor since that’s what usually incites ninjas to act like, well, ninjas. They do still serve light liquor though.

Common sense be damned.

Either way, I figure for the sake of argument that you know what, there are some places where rules are necessary because face it, we all have family members who just don’t know how to act. And some ninjas just can’t HELP but be ignant. I’m convinced it’s a gene. So I brainstormed some other places some ninjas just shouldn’t be able to go unless rules are instated. Follow me.

1. Church

You remember the scene from Colors where the Crips shot up the funeral where a Blood was being buried? You can’t stop that, but you can stop all the insane church hats that impede the view of anybody sitting behind Sister Bigdo and her hat garden. Or pimp attire. I’m looking at you Creflo. And the jheri curl. If we outlawed the jheri curl, how many church slip-and-falls (outside of the Pentecostal church, ain’t no stopping those) could be avoided? It might put GEICO out of business. Oh, and God too.

2. Bank

If banks instituted a no-ghetto-attitude policy (only banks located in the hood), do you realize how much faster you’d get your money? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been waiting in line behind some woman who is convinced that the bank is stealing her money and then the neck-snap and roll comes followed by a loudcapping and security guards inching closer to my locale.

3. Place you pay your cable/power bill

You already know we don’t like paying the bill. Folks walk in ready to light them b*tches on fire. But what if you required all people inside to read like, O Magazine, or something, or Purpose Drive Life while waiting in line (lines long enough to finish the whole book), the world might be a better place. Heal the world people.

4. Grocery store

If you forget an item and your ass is paying, consider that item official Black history. No “oh, I forgot my pickled pickles and toe jam, I’ll be right back.” You know you don’t know what aisle that’s in and now I have to wait on your slow, bumbaclot ass to return ONLY to pull out coupons and coins. Die.

Whew. Had to get that one off my chest.

I’ll stop there. Good people of the VSB fiefdom, what are some other places ninjas shouldn’t be able to go unless there are rules in order to maintain peace and order?

Ta ta now, we’re (mostly) all Black here. Speak on it.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Related posts:

1. ole’ faithful: the people, places, and things that never disappoint us
2. PSA: 5 Rules of Public Restroom Etiquette
3. hay season: the people, places, and things that make me itch

Life's a b*tch and then you die.

While meandering through the wonderful world of Twitter the other day, I happened upon a conversation with world the world-famous @areefuhstanklin and @basseyworld about fashion tips for men with no fashion taste. Admittedly, a lot of men do indeed lack a fashion sense all their own. Most of the under 25-crowd dresses like 106 & Park (does this show still come on? I actually don’t know) rejects while a lot of the 25-34 crowd has one go to club (and life) outfit: the button up shirt and blazer that Usher and Kanye West made so popular…

…in 2004.

Yes. Confessions AND The College Dropout came out nearly six years ago. Yes. You just might be old.

Thing is, it was inferred that men over age 30 shouldn’t be wearing Timberland’s anymore. And I’m assuming we’re talking the construction boot “butters”. And that is patently wrong. If you’re from the Northeast, Tims are go to shoes for doing any and everything. They’re all purpose like a motherf*cker. While they’re not as comfortable as their popularity might indicate, fact is, for most of us, they’re the non-tennis shoe, non-dress shoe of choice.

So what I’m saying is that @basseyworld was wrong. However, there are certain things that one should give up once you hit age 30. Here’s a list for those that either don’t know, don’t show, or just don’t care about being a menace to South Central (or South Los Angeles now) while drinking their juice in the hood while watching the boring ass Oscars where Zoe Saldana looks like she’s trying to become PETA’s public enemy number one.

1. Aspirations, hopes and dreams of fame and fortune if you’ve been toiling away for 10 years and you’re still only famous in your building

Look, I’m all for the belief that if you see it, you can achieve…except it’s a total lie. T-Boz’s acting job in Belly teaches us that failure is a very real option. Nas’s acting for that matter, too. More than likely, the comments section will be filled with people saying “dreams of being a rapper” and it’s true. You should not start rapping after age 27. Period. It’s tacky and I feel sorry for your mother.

2. Camouflage clothing items

Unless you are specifically called away to a combat zone by the Secretary of Defense, you look like a damn fool. Camo is generally a bad fashion statement anyway, unless you are a Que and also wear purple and gold boots – a combo that is ONLY okay if you’re a Que, kind of like pink and green – but there comes a point where there just is no good reason to put on camo. I’d wager that when rappers stop wearing is that point (like now) but I’ll give you until 30.

3. Cheap colognes and oils from the subway/Metro man

Step your grown person sh*t up and pay for a real fragrance. If you want to smell homeless, then okay, but generally cheap sh*t smells like cheap sh*t.  Go to a real counter and somebody who charges you sales tax.

4. Music that includes odd associations with something called a Wacka Flocka Flame

Wacka’s associations go all over the place from Gucci to Shawty LO to people with worse names. Basically, I’m saying that upon reaching age 30, you should give up on any music from Atlanta that doesn’t involve somebody who worked with the Dungeon Family. Word.Life.

5. Outfits that intentionally include sweat pants

Sweatpants, while all purpose, are really not going to get you too far in life. At a certain point – and yes DC, I’m looking at you – sweat pants should be used for just that, sh*t that makes you sweat. I’ve seen way too many old ass men running around in overpriced designer sweatsuits thinking that looked good. It.did.not.

6. The apostrophes in your name

You know, if you ghetto and all.

7. Dreams of f*ckin’ an R&B b*tch

Biggie dead. Your dream should be too.

That’ll do, pig.

So what else should folks be giving up when they turn 30?

Explore. Explain.

D’extra Wiley.

(Wow. Mo’Nique won!)

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Related posts:

1. Is Age Nothing But A Number?: 5 Reasons To Date Somebody Older Than Yourself
2. The Afterparty: Obama’s America One Year Later
3. Get Like We: The Biggest And Most Popular Trends in the Black Community in the last 20 years.

one of the most peculiar things about “pastor chasing” is the fact that you have no idea (and no real control) over what’s going to pop into your head while you’re doing the deed. sure, you might begin the festivities with the thought of your girlfriend or roxy reynolds or the bespectacled big booty applebee’s waitress you met last week, but your Id takes over once you get into the zone. and, as we all know, our Id’s are on crack.

sometimes the “pop-ins” are understandable (“damn. i need to go to caribana again“). sometimes they’re intriguing (“wow. who knew my subconscious had a thing for jill marie jones?“). sometimes they’re bizarre (“elastigirl?? well, she did have a fat ass. and she’s flexible“) and sometimes they’re…well…

…sometimes annie the chicken queen –the woman from the popeyes chicken commercials– pops into your head wearing nothing but an apron and bucket of butterfly shrimp, and, well, sometimes that just happens.

because its friday and i’ve already provided enough TMI this week, i won’t go into the myriad sexual, racial, and psychological undertones present with me fantasizing about a lascivious middle-aged cajun chicken-leg lady. but, i will say that this is a perfect example of the cringe-worthy fantasy–what happens when we find ourselves reluctantly sexually attracted to someone (whether its an elderly neighbor, a member of the dipset, or wanda sykes) for reasons we can’t (and don’t want to) understand or explain.

anyway, you’ve already heard enough from me. people of vsb.com, who are your cringe-worthy, “i’ll die before i tell someone i’m actually seriously attracted to this motherf*cka“, fantasies?

—the champ

Related posts:

1. the dream team
2. four completely practical and non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date a white woman

one of the most peculiar aspects of being on a college basketball team is the fact that you pretty much know what everyone else on the team is working with. obviously, you’re not going to be sitting indian-style in the middle of the locker room staring at everyone’s junk, but after hundreds of practices and games and showers after those practices and games, you can’t help but know.

anyway, although cats were all shapes, sizes, and shades, no one really stood out from the pack as a source of ridicule or awe. well, no one except for derrick conners.

a 6′11 french-nigerian, from the waist down derrick was literally built like one of the tripods from “the war of the worlds.” that thing must have had its own f*cking website and mailing address.

because of derrick’s unique “condition,” we all followed an unspoken (and ego-saving) rule in regards to women he dated: thou shall not follow the footer. basically, if derrick dated someone, she was basically off-limits forever…or at least until after a couple other people dated her and gave her an opportunity to stretch her woman parts back to normal.

for those that think this is short-sighted and silly, think about it: if you’re just an above average band, you damn sure don’t want to be the one that directly follows the beatles on stage…unless, of course, you want to get booed off that bitch.

anyway, thou shall not try to directly follow the footer is just one of the many unspoken sexual commandments that we abide by, each representing sexual rules and ways of living that we never actually admit to be true, even though they are.

here’s seven more

2. if in a sexual drought, thou shall drive theeself crazy with the assumption that everyone else in the entire world is currently having the best sex anyone’s ever had

3. if in a relationship, thou shall forgo condoms when “acceptable” period of time has passed.

in this case, “acceptable period of time” is figured out by using a complex matrix involving some combination of how much time you’ve spent together, how many people you assume they’ve been with, a picture of their ex, the number of degrees you both possess, and how recently you’ve seen magic johnson on tv.

4. thou shall use masturbat1on as an efficient way to alleviate boredom, hunger, anxiety, confusion, anger, frustration, headaches, joint pain, excessive happiness, grief, loneliness, righteousness, despair, and self-esteem

***4a. when finished masturbat1ng, thou shall experience a small moment of euphoria quickly followed by intense self-loathing and regret when cleaning up***

5. if thou makes a sex tape, thou shall find a creative and unique way to accidentally misplace and/or share it with the public

6. thou shall not, under any circumstances, ever admit to having period sex

btw, “circumstances” includes any and all forms of torture (ie: waterboarding, boiling, aretha franklin bra-holding, etc)

7. thou shall blame all unexpected and unwanted pregnancies on broken condoms

8. thou shall injure thy self when attempting pr0n star acrobatics, and thou shall blame said injury on pick-up basketball or hereditary gout

***personally, my favorite is to tell people i slipped in the shower, even though i don’t know why i think “my dumb ass slipped in the shower and sprained my ankle” is less embarrassing than “i tried to lift my girl up against the wall, and i accidentally stepped on her cat. the cat bit me, and i screamed and dropped my girl on my ankle, spraining it.”***

anyway, people of VSB: can you think of any other unspoken adult sexual commandments we abide by?

don’t be scurred. we’re all family and sh*t

—the champ

Related posts:

1. the ten commandments of corny
2. The G-Code.

come on, maaaan! you know this is some bullshit.

we’ve all been there before:

obnoxiously bow-tied boy at urban league happy hour approaches girl.

girl, already tipsy and unusually horny because of a rabbit mishap that morning (she wanted to use it before work, but forgot that she needed new batteries), grabs boy’s hand before he has a chance to speak, and leads him to the dance floor.

boy and girl dance in an awkwardly familiar manner, meet later at 24-hour oyster house, leave, and have aggressively mediocre sex in girl’s cat-infested duplex, fully initiating the first steps of the half-assed forced relationship dance usually done by people too decent to just have a one night stand and bounce.

the bullshit romantic relationship —where “nice” people stay in dead-end relationships much longer than they should because, well, they’re pussies— is as much of a staple in the young urban professional community as gap body spray and gentrification.

since their manners won’t let them break up on their own, those in half-assed couplings sometimes need outside forces (whether its an attractive new neighbor, an anniversary, or the threat of a nuclear war) to convince them to end this endless coital agony, and no other avenue is as efficient at reminding them how bad their relationship is than a movie.

without further ado, here’s five movies you should watch if you want out of your half-assed relationship:

1. a history of violence

why you should watch it: in the middle of a fight, tom and edie stall (viggo mortensen and maria bello) have the type of passionate, violent, nasty, monkey-matrix sex (on wooden freakin stairs!!!) your half-assed relationship ass probably hasn’t had since the first season of house. if this doesn’t make you want to get out of your self-imposed pussy-ass relationship purgatory, nothing will.

2. 50 first dates

why you should watch it: [spoiler alert] henry roth (played by some lesbian woman impersonating adam sandler) is so in love with lucy whitmore (drew barrymore) that he 1. deads his completely implausible practice of boning random hot chicks on vacation, 2. comes up with approximately 50 elaborate schemes to repeatedly woo a woman who loses her memory every 24 hours, 3. wins over said woman’s dad, brother, and best friends, and 4. marries and impregnates said woman despite the fact that she’ll need to be remind of who he and their kid is every day for the rest of their life.

he did all that for her, and the guy you have apathetic unprotected sex with twice a month can’t even remember to pull out half the time.

3. unfaithful

why you should watch it: the plot revolves around every man’s biggest nightmare —a seemingly content girlfriend/wife having an affair with a guy much younger, handsomer, and europeaner than you are— a storyline that will undoubtedly be your future if you don’t burn that bullshit ass bridge as soon as f*cking possible.

4. chris rock: never scared

why you should watch it: the only thing more awkward than being in a half-assed relationship is sitting on the couch with your melancholy mate while you’re watching a comedian talk sh*t about half-assed relationships.

5. zombieland

why you should watch it: 1. to remind you of what you two look like to your mutual friends (a zombie), and 2. to remind you of what your mutual friends are tempted to do to you every time your lifeless, depressing ass duo invites itself to an event (chop your f*cking head off).

anyway, people of vsb.com: i’m sure i’m missing a few. can you think of any other movies that would literally force someone to end their half-assed relationship if they happened to watch them?

—the champ

Related posts:

1. are you an interracial relationship racist?
2. Some Things That You Just Shouldn’t Do In A Relationship
3. milk was a bad choice: 10 signs that you’re in a sh*tty relationship

“yo, son: when you gonna stop d*ckin around and marry her ass?”

even though we all know a chick or three that would cut her closest homegirl’s throat if forced to choose between her and her man, the prevailing thought is that a woman’s girlfriends have an unparalleled influence on who she chooses to date.

in truth, a man’s best friend actually welds more power than any other third party.

noone, not his dad, his deacon, or his dealer has as much “she aint right for you, dog” veto power as a guy’s acebooncoon. even if they’re not exactly paragons of relationship health themselves, they’re usually ultra cynical genius-level bullshit detectors when it comes to who their homie happens to be dating because they knowknow you better than anyone else, and truly want you to be happy.

because of this, men need to pay extra close attention when their best friend asks em, “when you gonna stop dickin around and marry her ass?”, because any woman your best friend would actually say that about is definitely a keeper, even if you haven’t realized it.

anyway, although countless viewings of the obama calenders in our cubicles have given us an idea of what a keeper might look like, many of us wouldn’t recognize a. keeper even if she were giving us a lapdance while rocking twin “hi. i’m a. keeper” tassels on her chest.

this is even more pronounced with brothas who, educated or not, all could use a bit more help figuring out that there’s no real correlation between ring-worthiness and ass-to-waist ratio.

to help our vsb’s out, and as another example of our crime-fighting ideals, here’s four more signs that she’s probably a keeper…and you just might have to marry her ass:

1. your sex life is better than it was a year ago

why does this matter? well, an improving sex life means that you’ve grown more sexually compatible, a fact that suggests a combination of three separate things:

a) you’re communicating better

b) she’s getting more comfortable with herself and her body

c) she was patient enough to wait for you to “catch up” to her

either way, its a sign she thinks enough of you and your relationship to work to improve on something that many “grown” women (and, from what i’ve heard, men) take for granted: chicks who think that “shave”, “show up once a week” and “take off your panties” are the only reasonable relationship sexual requirements on their end.

2. she blushes when people give her genuine compliments

although, of course, if she happens to blush and coo when mr. md20/20 at the club tells her that she looks better than a five year old can of spam, maybe it’s time to re-think those joint lease plans.

3. she spends the night with you when you’re sick

i’ve always found it amazing that the same woman who needs to call the national guard to help her kill a baby spider in her apartment will happily volunteer to spend the night with a guy with amoebic dysentery if she cares enough about him.

4. she’s a great tipper

they say that character is best defined by how you behave when you think noone is looking. they also said that the hangover would actually be funny. basically, they are full of shit.

anyway, when you consider a typical woman’s relationship with money, a woman willing to generously and graciously tip a person who many others would deem to be a social subordinate says a lot about her character, constitution, and potential willingness to occasionally sleep in the wet spot, all valued qualities of a keeper.

people of vsb.com, did i miss anything? can you think of any more signs that a woman might be “wife material”?

the carpet is yours.

—the champ

Related posts:

1. link of the week: “why men marry some women and not others”
2. bonkers: five signs you’re dealing with a crazy-ass bastard
3. milk was a bad choice: 10 signs that you’re in a sh*tty relationship