I remember right after the election, there was this certain knowing amongst a great number of people that the election of Obama meant more than just the rise of one particular Black man.  It was bigger than just him.  Obama’s win, and the following spotlight placed upon him, his life, and his family was going to signal to the Black community and Black men in particular that there was hope and create a new way of thinking.  With Obama in office and doing the unthinkable, we couldn’t use the same old tired excuses and in fact, we should all want to do better.  As Black men, our time to shine was now.  Go forth and make a difference and be the change you want to be.  Don’t just talk about it, be about it.  If Obama can, you can too.

He’s every man and every man was/is Obama.

It’s one year later. 

CNN ran a story last week entitled, “Is Obama inspiring Black men to step up?”, where they talked to numerous Black men to get their take on what they’ve done (or not done) since Obama took to the national stage.  Like I said, the day Obama won, it seemed like everybody was ready to hit the streets with dreams and inspiration and kick the truth to pretty much anybody that wanted to hear it.  And it seems like he has.  On paper anyway.

Seems to me that some of that energy and excitement from Obama has worn off – not even some, most of it.  He’s just the President now and people pretty much look to him as such.  Of course, people still buy Obama memorabilia but what about the dreams that he inspired and the motivation.  What about the change in the Black family dynamic away from the alleged mother-headed household to the Huxtable model.  Hell, blogs referencing the Huxtables blew up after the election.  Everybody wanted that life…that Obama life.

But perhaps I’m shortsighted.  Truly, I wonder if we’ll see the effects of Obama’s presidency in the near term anyway.  Real change takes years.  Major state colleges were only integrated 50 years ago and we still have de facto school segregation in places.  Same with housing, services, etc.  But the seeds of change should be planted.  Maybe some of us are kind of too old to change and the real change will come from the younger people who have so much promise in their eyes and have been influenced by the way everybody felt by Obama’s win.

I have no clue.

So I wonder, good people of VSB, have you witnessed any change since Obama was elected?  Is the Black community any different than it was a year ago?  If so, how?  Or is it too early to even be able to tell?  Is the economy in too much of  stalemate for real change to even be realized at this point?

Basically, where are we now, one year later?

The floor is yours.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Related posts:

1. soon you’ll understand: three reasons why we need to give president obama a break
2. extra, extra: the five biggest breaking news stories in black america in the past 25 years
3. Can Obama Save Marriage, the Economy, AND DIVORCE?

$8,000 first time homebuyer tax credit my ass.

Anyway, we took the truck back at about 6:30 pm and the U-Haul locale was JUMPIN’ like the club.  I saw a chick who turned out to be a man dressed like a woman dancing to a Beyonce song, which was, like, so cliche.  Anyway, as we stand in line for what seems like forever, the clearly overworked ninja employees of the establishment begin loudcapping everybody but nobody in particular about people needing to get out of the store because it was basically closing time and how they weren’t getting paid enough to deal with these snippy motherf*ckers.

Being the college-educated and well-adjusted individuals that me and mi compadre are, we waited our turn and when we got to the front of the line, the phone started ringing.  Now you might think this was the store phone.  Nope, it was her personal cell phone and much to the surprise of nobody, she answered the phone…WHILE dealing with our order.  She proceeds to detail to the person on the other end of the phone how ninjas just KEEP showing up KNOWING that they close at 7pm and how she BETTER have some collard greens and chicken left.

And for anybody who went to Ray’s funeral last weekend, I’m sorry for your loss.  I didn’t know Ray personally, but I heard about all of the details from Bertha at the U-Haul on Chillum Road in Hyattsville, Maryland.

You’re welcome.

Anyway, the craptastic service and all around ri-damn-diculousness that I witnessed reminded me of something that I both love and adore…SERVICE AT A BLACK RUN ESTABLISHMENT!

While I love my people dearly, there definitely are some Black Run Establishments (BREz) that be on that bullsh*t.  Sometimes…they just suuuuuck.

So quickly, here are 7 sign that you might be at a BRE.

1)  Lots of employees but no work getting done

SEE example from up above.

2)  Employees make you feel like they’re doing YOU a favor by dealing with you…despite the fact that you’re paying for a service

There’s nothing worse than a motherf*cker treating you like you should thank them for being there and getting paid to do their damn job.  I hate ninjas like this. Really.  Like really really.

3)  Folks are talking on their personal cellphones, about personal business

I don’t know about you, but I don’t even need Bossip or TMZ.  All I do is go to my local Popeye’s and I can keep up with all the local and Hollywood gossip when Boomshakalaka and her cousin get to talking about who Ray J is REALLY f*cking. Yay!

4)  Hard to tell the employees from the friends of employees

I’ll never understand why folks will go visit their homies at work FOR HOURS.  Jesus be an unemployment check.

5)  There’s always a lingering threat of violence between…somebody(s)

You ever just notice a palpable anger in the air but can’t tell where it’s coming from or who it’s directed towards but if a fight broke out you wouldn’t be surprised?  Yeah, you just might be in a BRE.

6)  They play the versions of songs that include Plies and/or curse words

Plies = curse words in my book and neither are allowed on Sunday anywhere NEAR me.  Seriously though, perhaps I’m just getting old but I get downright soccermom-ish when I hear a song playing in a store and it’s the dirty version.  I just want to shake a stick at people and make them feel bad with vicious rhetoric.

7)  You have to check your bag at the door

I think it’s so funny that you have to check your bag in a store where you can literally see the entire store and everybody in it from the front door.  Then again, in this time of economic depression, I guess the ninja at the front door checking bags is just happy to have a job.  Either way, they don’t do that sh*t at the store NEXT DOOR.  And chances are, I’d rather rob them anyway.  But I can read.  So I won’t.

So good folks of VSB, I KNOW I missed some things.  Educate the people, people.  How do YOU know you might be at a BRE??

Inquiring minds would like to know.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Related posts:

1. Still Black: 7 Things I Learned While Watching CNN’s Black In America 2
2. Black and Positive: What Black in America Brings To The Table
3. Blackness 101: 10 Things All Black People Should (At Least) Be Aware Of…

along with unusual virility,  and a head shaped like the working end of a cruise missile, my parents passed an acute sensitivity to idiocy on to me. as i’ve grown older, these sensitivities have become so concentrated and pronounced that i can now honestly say that i’m seriously allergic to bullsh*t.

this affliction is extremely troublesome, as it causes me to start itching uncontrollably whenever i’m in the presence of or a witness to it. in fact, just last week i almost scratched my entire left forearm off when trying to listen to “ghetto techno” all the way through

anyway, because writing about bullsh*t can be very therapeutic and cathartic for me, i’ve decided to name a few more people, places, and things that have been making me itch.

black men who sound like white men trying to sound black (aka “the stu scott” or “the kappa”)

yo, champ. this blog is slammin'. word up.

the phrase “grown and sexy”

a term which is now just a three word euphemism for “drug dealers who launder their money through rim shops and the social services chicks and teachers who want to sleep with them”

grown women rocking pocket-less jeans

has officially replaced clear heels as the standard universal, “she’s probably a ho. nttawwt” uniform

soft chicken wings

there’s nothing more itch-inducing than ordering a dozen cajun chicken wings, but getting a dozen pieces of slippery meat with skin that looks like it came from the bedridden pedophile in seven.

coffee shops that don’t offer free wi-fi

every time i enter one i’m tempted to call up the manager and ask “they still make you?” like i’m chris rock

the “i can make your p*ssy whistle” line in drake’s, “best i ever had”

while i admittedly don’t mind drake as much as my vsb partner does, since when is a whistling p*ssy what’s torrid on the thoroughfare?

seriously, am i missing something here? what woman wants a stepin fetchit-ass p*ssy, and what guy would brag about giving a woman something that sounds like the premise from an episode of “tales of the crypt”?

the fact that i have great mobile internet service everywhere except my own f*cking apartment

i don’t know whats more itch worthy, the fact that i live in the only 900 square foot part of “the most connected community in pittsburgh” without good service, or the fact that i live in a 900 square foot apartment

not being able to grow a beard like black thought

***simultaneously filed under “some bullsh*t” and “things champ has said that are at least 84 percent gay”***

that’s enough therapy for me. people of vsb.com, what bullsh*t is making you itch right now?

—the champ

Related posts:

1. lending a hand: the people, places, and things that helped us make it through puberty
2. Questions For The People, By The People
3. the prototypes: which city has the best looking people

t-shirt worn by new black superhero, “the optimist”

i felt myself overcome with a sudden sense of relief and contentment yesterday afternoon while reading two articles (”crying after sex, really” and “what brings you to the big o?“) and the accompanying comments

you see, as a grown man, i felt that i should be a expert by now on the female orgasm. i mean, (i think that) i’ve seen them and (hope that) i’ve been an active part in inducing them, but if i were coaching a sex team and was asked by my players to diagram a female orgasm play for an easy and sure touchdown, i’d be more befuddled than eric mangini.

but, articles such as those have taught me that i’m not alone: nobody really knows sh*t about the female orgasm, women included.

sure, many people much more intelligent than i have their theories and ideas, but there isn’t a person on the planet that can give you factual and universal information about how they occur, what can possibly happen when they do, and, from an evolutionary perspective, why they even happen

anyway, while thanking my friends at the frisky for my newfound sense of coitus-related comfort, i thought of a few other things about sex i’ve learned since becoming an adult.

here’s 11 more

2. libido compatibility f*cking matters

while there’s a lid for every pot, some pots require a bit more time on the stove than others. even the happiest and strongest coupling will eventually shift to sh*t if one party is cool with once every another week (or month) or so and the other needs it at least once a day. eventually one of them will have to “compromise” a bit more than the other, and, depending on who does the compromising, this always results in either the low-libidoed person feeling used for sex and eventually hating it, or the high-libidoed one feeling unwanted and eventually resenting their mate

3. “performance” p*rn sex (stupid acrobatics, stupidly awkward positions, sex in stupidly random places, etc) is usually pointless, awkward, and painful if performed by non-professionals.

quick story: my sophomore year of college, a few teammates and i were so consumed with hotel jacuzzi sex that we had an on-going bet with each other about who would do it first. although i lost, i eventually did the deed a couple years later, and spent the entire time underwhelmed by the feeling, annoyed with the chick trying not to get her hair too wet, and irritated by the chlorine filled water splashing up my nose and in my eyes.

moral of the story: don’t watch showgirls

4. while some women say that you can usually tell how good a man is in bed by how he dances, a man can definitely tell how good a woman is in bed by her relationship to food

5. dont trust a person who says they never masturbate.

if they’re lying they’re too anal and pedestrian to realize that its not a subject worth lying about. if they’re telling the truth, they’re future murderers

6. a woman can actually f*ck her way into a man’s heart, but she needs to have sex with him at least a couple hundred times to do it

7. the idea of a woman willingly and enthusiastically performing and enjoying fellatio matters more than the actual act.

8. dating while horny is no different than grocery shopping while hungry

in both cases, you’ll just end up spending too much for some sh*t you didn’t even really want.

9. white women aren’t inherently easier than any other group of women, its just that many of them go through their “easy stage” (junior year of high school through junior year of college) at an impressionable time when people care the most about the sex everyone else is having

***since i know you’ll ask, from what i’ve seen the “easy stage” breakdown usually goes like this:

well-adjusted white women: 15-20

well-adjusted black women: either 23-26 or 29-34

well adjusted latinas: 12 to death***

10. pretty much everyone who’s ever said they got accidentally pregnant or contracted an std because a condom broke is f*cking lying

11. sometimes “technical difficulties” might occur.

whether its because of stress, fatigue, alcohol, or the sudanese rap song you can’t get out of your head, sometimes sh*t, ummm, doesnt happen. its nothing to be ashamed of though, and as long as you give your sure to be disappointed girl a convincing good will hunting (“its not your fault, its not your fault”) everything should be cool

12. the more i learn, the more i realize i still don’t really know sh*t

thats it from me. people of vsb.com, what has adulthood taught you about sex?

don’t be scurred to share, we’re all family and sh*t

—the champ

Related posts:

1. lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us
2. all points bulletin
3. things i’ve learned

imagine that you’re in a perfectly happy relationship.

but, a deadly combination of an unusually stressful week (you just got demoted at work for a monkey. not a figurative monkey either. your boss decided that placing a real, live monkey in your old position would be more productive than keeping you there. and, after a couple of days, you realized that he was right. plus, you’re a redskins fan, and the monkey oddly favors jason campbell), an unusually compassionate blind blasian stripper, and an unusually strong ultimate zombie pushed you off the cheating cliff once three months ago.

yet, there’s no residual damage (std’s, torn hamstrings, m.s.c.s.r.’s¹ etc), no evidence (the blind stripper is afflicted with the same condition as guy pierce in memento, a fact which made them a quite sympathetic lay), and, most importantly, absolutely no chance that you’ll ever do it again. you’re happy, you have no need or desire to ever step out of your relationship again, the thought of what you did fills you with guilt and regret, and there’s no chance that your wife will ever find out on her own.²

usually, this is the part of the blog where i’d ask the women of vsb some open-ended question about honesty and full-disclosure and whether they’d want their significant others to divulge that information to them, while ending my query with some theory about what your answer really says about you.

and, i was actually planning on doing exactly that, until i realized that the vast majority of you all would probably just end up saying some variant of “actually, sometimes its best not to know everything. i wouldn’t want to know“…and you’d be right

although the idea of choosing to be willfully ignorant initially wouldn’t sit too well with most of you, you’d eventually realize that your naiveté is actually the most optimal and rewarding solution in this situation, considering the unique circumstances. there’s really no good reason to be made aware of this info. “plus”, you’d be thinking to yourself, “his guilty conscience would be his punishment, no need to upset myself about it too.”, and this would be a perfectly mature and pragmatic response

but…what if the stripper was a man?

¹ miscelleaneous strip club skunky residue

² filing entire entry under “topics men currently in relationships probably shouldn’t blog about, for obvious reasons“, and by “men currently in relationships”, i mean “i”

—the champ

Related posts:

1. Relationship Downfall Week: The Truth

it usually doesn’t start this way.

it probably began with the same passion, enthusiastic spontaneity, unbridled optimism, and unprompted sunday bj’s synonymous with most happy couples. you liked each other, alot, and still actually do on wednesdays, but somewhere along the line your joyful coupling turned into a joyless abyss of unrelentingly sh*tty sh*ttyness.

thing is, like most of us, you probably didn’t realize exactly how terrible your relationship was until you got out of it. sure, everyone else could see it, but you were too blinded by your investment and occasional gotdamn to actually notice.

to make sure this lack of recognition of your sh*tty circumstances never happens to any of you again, here’s 10 signs that you’re in a sh*tty relationship

1. you want them dead

ok, you might not actually want to kill them or even want them to die, but lets just say that if a completely random, completely painless, and undoubtedly fatal accident were to befall your mate, it probably wouldn’t upset you that much

***pausing to allow everyone reading this who’s ever been in a sh*tty relationship to nod their head in shameful understanding***

2. they don’t make you happy

its probably not a good thing if the only time you can remember your man making you laugh is when you saw him get tazed by a traffic cop last month.

3. you think everyone you encounter is attractive in someway…except your significant other

seriously, i think this is how they pick the contestants for “the flavor of love”. they just target women in relationships so sh*tty that they’d find a bowl of cream of wheat more sexually attractive then their current bf’s.

4. its based on a lie

while white lies here or there about their awful spaghetti, your extensive p*rn collection, or the looks of their enthusiastically unattractive siblings are sometimes needed to keep the relationship peace, there’s no surer sign that you’re in a sh*tty relationship than if lies are needed to keep it going.

usually, theses type of lies fall in one of two categories

a) willful deception (ie: willingly (and selfishly) being the other woman or man)

b) willful self-deception (ie: having to convince yourself that things will get better, even though you know that the wait for that improbability would be longer than khloe kardashians chin)

5. you’ve stopped having spontaneous sex

6. nobody ever invites you anywhere as a group

which actually doesn’t matter because even if you were invited, you wouldn’t attend because…

7. you dont want to spend time around genuinely happy people

…and have their mere presence reminds you of the sh*tstorm of unhappiness that is your life

8. you always have more fun if they’re not included

lets just say that you qualify if your first mental response to “i invited your girl, too“, “your girl is on the way“, or (from your girl) “i want to spend some time with you this weekend” is always “f*ck!!!”

9. you’ve had to pull repeated “usher’s” (ending good relationships with other people to make it work)

10. you’re always the last person to find sh*t out about each other

from your promotion at work to the results of your std screen, a hallmark of a sh*tty relationship is everyone else always learning important stuff about your significant other before you do. seriously, i have a friend who broke up with his aggressively unintelligent chick in august and still hasn’t told her yet (they’re also still having sex. his explanation: “you expect me to deprive myself of some regular ass just because she doesn’t check her voicemails?”)

people of vsb.com, did i miss anything? are there any more signs that your relationship sucks that i’m leaving out?

also, has any of this happened to you? have any of you been in a relationship and not realized how truly sh*tty it was until after you’ve broken up?

the carpet is yours

—the champ

Related posts:

1. just don’t do it (three of the most common relationship mistakes women make)
2. mercy, mercy, me…please?: the four cruelest things women consistently do to men
3. 12 things about sex i’ve learned since becoming an adult

“we need to talk…later” = “you know you done f*cked up, right? but, although i know what i need to talk at you about will probably take less than 5 minutes, i’m just going to let you linger in anticipation for the rest of the day for the upcoming guilt ridden tongue-lashing you’re going to receive about something you still have no idea you even did.”

“i miss you” = “bastard, if you dont at least tell me that you miss me back, we’re probably not having sex again until the browns win another game”

“do you think she’s attractive?” = “i need to know which types of women you find attractive so i can start hating them for no apparent reason. i’ll also need this info to limit your contact with any of my girlfriends who might favor them.”

“whats your name?”/”hi” *with a smile*/”hi” *without a smile*/*a smile*/*any positive non-verbal interaction from a female stranger* = “i want your babies”

“i have a really attractive friend who’d be great for you” = “my friend has eight cats. five of them are better looking than she is, and, according to her last boyfriend, one of them is actually better in bed”

“do you like my new hairdo?” = “since you haven’t said anything about it yet, i’m assuming you hate it. but, if you say you like it, i’ll know you’re lying. basically, you’re f*cked.”

“how was your day?” = “did anything happen to you today that i can somehow segue into a 17 minute tangent about myself?”

“i have a boyfriend” = either “try harder” or “no offense, but i think you’re a homosexual”. no in-between.

(from a girlfriend) “i’m going out with my girls tonight” = “i’m going to go out, flirt with a ton of men, accept a bunch of free drinks, dance with my girls, grind with a couple guys like an extra in a freekey zekey video, and come home and take out all of my drunken sexual energy on you. you should be very happy with this arrangement”

“i usually get along with men much better than i get along with women” = “i’m a ho. no, seriously. i’ve held more wangs than a chinese cemetery.”

“kim’s boyfriend just got a promotion. he’s doing really well” = “you’re not going to be broke forever, are you?”

“i’m not really that hungry right now. what are you in the mood for?” = “even though i said i’m not that hungry, i’m probably going to shoot down your first three suggestions. my advice? pick a restaurant without pictures on the menu”

“i’ve had a really stressful week” = “i want your babies…on my chest”

i’m sure i’m missing a few. fellas, feel free to chime in.

oh, and ladies, what gets lost in translation with us? what do you usually hear when we’re talking to you?

—the champ

Related posts:

1. mercy, mercy, me…please?: the four cruelest things women consistently do to men
2. the compass: the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you
3. pants on fire: 7 things we (men) like much more than you think we do…even though we’ll never admit it

Is that male camel toe?

Tomorrow’s Halloween.  Yay.  What that means is that some of you overly ambitious (no Pharrell) big kids are going to don costumes that you have no business wearing.  Of course you get your standard slut-in-training outfits and the run of the mill “i’m too cool to wear a costume” costumes, but really, some people just take things a wee bit too far.

While most of us can appreciate the creativity, bullsh*t is bullsh*t.  I remember for an 80s themed costume party I went to one year, I was Eazy-E.  I had the fake chains, locs, jheri curl.  And for good measure, I carried around a bottle of spray on AZT.

Hell points to Panama for $2,000 please Alex.

Really I just felt like sharing since we all know that sharing is caring.  Why do birds suddenly appear every time that you’re near?  Because I gave them wings.  I am red bull.

Rar.

Since most of you people here are indeed very smart, I fear that some of your genius might get lost in translation.  Face it, just because an idea is smart doesn’t mean that even smart people will actually get it.

See Sheldon as The Doppler Effect on The Big Bang Theory

With that little tidbit in mind, I figured I might as well cut some of you off at the pass and give you a little primer on a few costume ideas that are probably better left on the cutting room floor of your mama’s basement.

Yeah, I said it. Your mama.

1) H1N1 Virus

While this might be the most popular topic on American’s mind, I’d totally kick H1N1’s ass 9 ways from Sunday if I saw it walking down my street.  Nevermind that I have absolutely no clue how one would actually BE the virus as a costume.  Maybe just a big ass cough.  Or just rustle up a gaggle of 6 year old sick kids and hover above them or something while pointing violently.  Me no know.  See, this is exactly why its only good in theory.

2)  Michelle Obama

This requires some mediocrity about the face so you upwardly mobile pretty chicks need not apply.  And yes, I just called Michelle Obama mediocre about the face.  Take that Glamour magazine.  Take that, take that.  Also, you can’t do tall and lanky if you aren’t tall and lanky. Come to think of it, the only chick who could be Michelle Obama convincingly is Olive Oil.  And she ain’t real.  See…theory.

3)  A Black Miss Hampton

Mostly because then you’d just be living a lie and nobody likes liars.  Liar liar pants on fire.  Plus, white chicks have totally laid claim to this one.  This is probably the dopest costume a white chick could rock.  Look out ladies, they’re coming for Black men next.  Oh…wait.

Womp womp.

4)  A Book

Mostly because if you go trick or treating in a Black neighborhood, most people won’t recognize you.  And when we don’t recognize sh*t in the hood, we shoot first.  And you do NOT want to get shot on some smarty art ninja stuff.  I repeat, you do NOT want to get shot.

5)  OJ Da Ju-man (or Juiceman, I’m still not sure how to properly spell this)

Think about it, while his mere persona is costumish and could possibly make for a fun look to see what you’re life would look like if you made all the wrong choices, imagine trying to say “buuuurrrrr” every 2.5 seconds and only speaking in sentences that end in “aye!”  I tried this earlier today and believe you me, my boss couldn’t have been more unhappy with me.  Hell, she banned me from using all words that even started with “a” because of it.  Lucky for her my performance review is coming up or I’d totally aardvark that ass.

6)  Any of the doctor’s from Grey’s Anatomy

Mostly because they STAY f*cking up folks at that hospital.  It’s always somebody dying at Seattle Grace.  Nobody would let you touch them.  And touch, being one of the five senses is kind of like the hokey pokey…that’s what it’s all about.  Makes no sense to me either.  I’m here every Friday.

So good karma chameleons of VSB, those are a few that came across my desk as good but bad ideas for costumes, what are some others that can help folks not look like ignoramuses(i) for Halloween?

And remember, don’t be a Halloweeny, whoop that trick.

Happy hunting.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3 aka MR. I GOT MY TANGLE BACK

No related posts.

I know.  Shocker.

Well, such as it is, my Blackness allows me certain luxuries in life.  I get to set trends for the world, be president, and inspire Congress to revisit mandatory minimums for drug offenses.  Yeah, I’d say that being Black definitely has its perks.

But believe it or not, its not all roses.  This Black thing I mean, not it.  It is straight roses kid.  What is it?

It can be whatever you like.  There is no ceiling.

Ahem.

Back to the lecture at hand.  Most of us have the same problem in life right now as reading Black folks.  We’re generally the only Black person most of our colleagues have much contact with.  It’s one of those facts of life that is just annoying.  I know at my job, all the other Black folks are in more clerical positions.  So you know what this means, right?

Of course you do.  It means we have a lot of pressure to speak as the voice of Black America.  Like it or not, that’s what we’re doing.  Well, since I have such a huge platform there are a few things that I’d like to just put out there in case any persuasions, Persians, Asians, or anybody that CNN hasn’t covered yet ends up here at VSB.

1)  It is MORE than okay to mention the race of somebody you’re describing to me

I motherf*cking hate when somebody is trying to describe somebody to me but they refuse to acknowledge the race of said person.  Look Bob, its okay to say if he was Black.  It will be a great service as race will discount entire segments of my memory while I’m trying ot remember some random mofo you chose to bring up today, Bob.  I mean, if we’re talking about Michelle Leslie Brown from 125th Street that plays ball in the park and EVERYBODY knows that there’s two you should mention what color she is.  That way I can be like…not THAT Michelle Leslie Brown that play ball in the park, the OTHER Michelle Leslie…well you get the point.  Stop pretending race doesn’t exist you racist f*ck.

2) Sidestepping or being overly political correct when it comes to race makes you look like an undercover racist (you racist f*ck, you)

I know that being called racist is like the worst thing that can happen to white people nowadays.  Even Rush Limbaugh doesn’t want that title, and neither does something called a  Newt Gingrich.  However, your overly awkward uncomfortableness when discussing anything that has any sort of racial undertone makes me think that you’re opinion would probably be VERY unfavorable and makes me think you just might be a racist, you racist f*ck, you.  So stop it.

3)  I don’t actually mind correcting your misconceptions about Black people, as long as you approach with common sense

I’m always up for a conversation that debunks stereotypes on all sides of the fence.  And it goes a long way to spread and increase understanding.  However, you can’t just walk up to me and say, “so is it true that most of y’all are going to jail for selling crack?  I just read that at KKK.com.”  Come, let’s talk.  Just don’t make me punch you and get written up and have to go to racial sensitivity training being taught by some white lady who has never actually spoken directly to a Black person she wasn’t paying before.  I won’t like you after that.  Then it becomes that whole, “I’m Black so I hate all white people” thing and then you and I need an intervention, etc.  It just gets ugly.

4)  Slang is fun, but please keep up with the times

I think its funny when white folks run with slang and popular terms, i.e. “raise the roof” and “whomp! there it is”.   That’s great, pal.  Thing is, that sh*t went out in the 90s.  Which given the speed of today’s information is akin to the 1890s.  Stop it.  If you must use slang watch BET and stay current.  Quit coming to me asking me how to spell something I haven’t said in 10 years.  It’s annoying and I want to stab you with two eyes of kimodo and a red stapler.

5)  We think OJ did it too

So shut the f*ck up about it.

Those are just a few things that I’d like to let “everybody else” know about my Blackness, especially in the workplace.  Reading people of VSB what are some things that you would put out there for the “rest” if you were the voice of Black America?

Let’s give us free.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

PS:  50 Cent’s Before I Self Destruct is the opposite of that hotness.  It is that notness.  Wacksauce.

Related posts:

1. Black and Positive: What Black in America Brings To The Table
2. Still Black: 7 Things I Learned While Watching CNN’s Black In America 2
3. Who’s Got the Voice??!?!?.

Well, it means that all men really aren’t into S&M behavior and some might actually be scared off if you showed up with a whip in one hand and a jar of mayonnaise in the other.

By the way, I have no clue what a jar of mayonnaise could be used for and quite frankly, I’ve just managed to disgust myself.

Excuse me.

*smoke break*

Back.

Now the problem with this disconnect is that so many women hear about men that are into so much different stuff that a woman might be inclined to try some “new things” in order to please her man.  But instead of asking, she’ll just give it a whirl and next thing you know, dude is looking at her sideways at breakfast the next morning and refuses to eat her toast.

That’s kind of a pun.

Now don’t get me wrong, a lot of men and women are very happy to have an experimental partner in el sacko and let’s be real, boring partners just are not the cats meow.  But you can definitely go too far.  So as a service to all the good people out there in VSB land (and other blogs that will rip this for Thursday’s entry and pretend it’s original), here are some things that you should probably ask your partner about before doing.

And yes.  Shots. Fired.

1)  Biting

While a good softly bitten lip can go so far to express desires a plenty, a bitten bun gets you b*tchslapped, b*tch.  Seriously, keep them damn incisors to your self and stop looking at your your partner like a steak (or steak’um for the broke crowd).  Biting really isn’t for everybody.  For one, that sh*t really can hurt.  There’s a reason ghetto chicks use it as a weapon.  That and dental work in the hood is so scarce motherf*ckers teeth actually are deadly weapon on some jagged edge sh*t.  Or ruff endz.

No more shopping sprees.

2)  Food

Eating is an activity of daily living.  This is understood.  However, introducing food into the bedroom is something that should be treaded lightly.  Look, yeast infections aren’t good things.  Period.  So adding more by bringing in bread, whipped cream, and croutons isn’t exactly always going to come off well.  Especially since I have clue what in the world one might do with croutons.  Of course, strawberry’s and chocolate is always a good way to go if you must introduce food and all but really, event hat needs to be cleared.  Nobody wants chocolate in their crack.  You usually wipe that sh*t.

No pun intended.

3)  Candles

I might be willing to fight somebody if they “accidentally” poured candle wax on me or my little friend.  Candlewax is damn near fighting words to me right now.  Candlewax is hot, as evidenced by the presence of an ever-lasting FLAME atop the wick (no gonorrhea).  I’m just saying, if you want to introduce stuff that Smokey the Bear has been railing against for decades, you should probably mention it upfront.

4)  Whips/Chains/Bondage

In the famous words of D.C. Curry, “I wasn’t a slave, but I heard about it and that sh*t didn’t sound fun then…”  How whips and chains made the leap from slavery to the sack is beyond me but some folks love it.  However, you can’t just go whipping people.  And after seeing Danny Glover’s back in Beloved, frankly, I’m side-eying any Black man who is into that sh*t.

5)  Extra people

Suffice it to say, most folks have probably been interested in a threesome or moresome in their lives.  However,  you can’t just get somebody’s motor running and then say, “oh wait, Betty or Jimbo is downstairs and I KNOW they’d love to get down us tonight.”  I’d probably be a little upset and I might not speak to you for the rest of the evening.  Maybe that’s just me though.

Anyway, those are some things that you really should consult with your partner before first but we all know that the possibilities are endless when it comes to redroom romper ruckus.

What are some bad bedroom ideas and what should you REALLY clear with your partner first?

Educate the masses who are going to make mistakes this evening.

Care about your fellow human.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Related posts:

1. milk was a bad choice: 10 signs that you’re in a sh*tty relationship
2. A Piece of Bedroom Furniture.