Very Smart Brothas

Women Are Always The Victim…Right?

Panama Jackson — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 04:00:47 +0000

If he gets your daughter pregnant, I'm blaming her. And you. Not him. He looks like he would get your daugther pregnant.

I was out for lunch one day with a friend of mine who has many hilarious and actually spot on opinions about dating and relationships. I always joke with him that if he’d let me put him on camera that we’d make millions because of the outlandish things he says. We’d get more hate mail, but more press than a little bit. He’d effectively become the most hated Black man in America in under ten minutes. Flat.

Mind you, I don’t ever actually think he’s wrong.

Anyway, one particular day last week, he asked me if I’d ever read the article where (much like everybody else – it’s from December 2009 so forgive my late pass) Attorney General Eric Holder called on Black fathers to take more responsibility for their children. It’s the same message Obama preached some months before and slightly rings true to what Bill Cosby said some years ago when he pissed off all of Black America and a few Samoans.

To wit:

“Too many men in the black community have created children and left them to be raised by caring mothers. These women do a wonderful job, but we ask too much of them and too little of our men,” Holder told the congregation, which included members of his family, according to Newsday. “It should simply be unacceptable for a man to have a child and then not play an integral part in the raising and nurturing of the child.” – Eric Holder

Of course, as Black men, we hate hearing these statements over and over again. Mostly because it paints a very one sided picture. And of course, men and women ALWAYS applaud at these statements like its the first they’ve ever heard them. Keep in mind, neither of us disagree with the spirit of it, but its more about why Black men are constantly the punching bag for all of the problems in the Black community. Then my boy made an observation (I’m paraphrasing):

“How come you never hear anybody say, ‘Too many of our women in the Black community are letting any and every man get them pregnant. We have too many women sleeping with men recklessly and getting pregnant by men who have no business being fathers or boyfriends. We need to hold some of our women more responsible for their decisions.’”

Of course my response was, “well, you just can’t do that. It’s not women’s fault that these men leave them alone and without help after they get pregnant.”

But then I started thinking…why can’t you ever hold women accountable for the demise of the community the same way we continuously hold men accountable. It’s pretty much the party line that (many) men aren’t living up to their ends of the bargain. They get these women pregnant and roll out leaving another fatherless child to fend for his or herself through life with only a mother who can’t teach a boy how to be a man or a girl how to be loved by a man.

The truth is though, aside from the snide comments made about the baby mama with seven children on welfare, nobody ever does lay any blame on the women involved in those situations, almost as if its taboo. At least not publicly. Sure, behind closed doors we all think the women with all those children probably needed to be locked up in a room with a copy of O Magazine and Chicken Soup for The Soul, but pretty quickly we start talking about the fact that their daddy’s probably aren’t any good. It’s so easy we do it by default. From churches to public podiums, if there’s a conversation about the community and its problems, its pretty much starting with the lack of fathers in the home. Or the lack of a father presence, etc. Nobody EVER says, publicly, “While the fathers aren’t there somebody needs to figure out how to stop these women from sleeping around with all these men too. Lord almighty, we might not have a father problem if we didn’t have some of these girls giving it up without protection.”

The assumption is that evil men dupe all of these women into becoming mothers and are the reason every cat in hood doesn’t have a yacht. But how come the accountability doesn’t go both ways?

Riddle me that one Batman…should women be held accountable…at all? Public Blackness seems to indicate no. But I’m not sure that’s right.

Are women really always victims in these situation? Or do all the talking heads have it right?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka VITAMIN P aka 40 P aka TANGLE JIG P aka GO KING BEEF aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

The Television Made Me Cry and I’m Still Hardcore

Panama Jackson — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 04:33:08 +0000

Panama Jackson is a gangsta. Do you know how I know this? Because only gangstas start off talking about themselves in the third person. Well part of the difficulty of being a gangsta is that the oddest things move and touch you. Kind of like Michael Jackson, only not at all. For instance, I remember one time where I saw this little kid picking a flower in a garden overlooking at peninsula. She handed the Forget-Me-Not to her mother and I was moved. Of course, I quick regained my composure and committed felony drug possession which was a direct violation of my parole – at the time.

No T.I.

Datboydumb.

Well one of the strange things to move me has been television shows. Full disclosure: I, Panama Jackson, have actually shed a tear or two watching television and/or movies. I know, big shocker, everybody’s been the victim of an scene or two fully intended draw forth the waterworks. I’m a sucker for love and for sentimentality. And since it’s the day after Labor Day, I figured it was as good a day to unleash my pansy a** most moving television scenes. Consider it a peace offering for some crime I’ve yet to commit. Anyway, here’s a list of 5 television scenes that have f*cked Panama Jackson the f*ck up.

1. Freddie’s date rape episode on A Different World

If you’re anything like me, then every night from 10pm until 11pm, you’re watching A Different World on TVOne. While I’m not generally a big fan of the network because I hate myself my neck because it’s Black, I fully appreciate them bringing us one of the TV shows that helped increase enrollment at HBCUs. Well this past week, one particular episode came on and it moved me. Kind of like Anytime Movers, only not at all. Anyway, in this particular episode, Taimak aka Bruce Leroy is supposed to be believable as a bad guy who basically goes around raping chicks who won’t give up the goods. He’s totally unbelievable in this role until he’s in the car with Freddie and lo and behold, he looks like a rapist – which could be why he never really worked again, he was a bit toooooo convincing. Anyway, Dwayne tries to save Freddie but she won’t believe him that Bruce Leroy aka Garth is trying to get her goodies. Long story short, Garth tries to rape her, Dwayne shows up and saves her and at the end of the show, she thanks Dwayne for being a friend with watersoaked eyes. It gets me every time. Mostly because even 20 years later, I WANT to help Freddie. Jealously, I know thy name.

2. Will’s dad bounces…again, on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

This might be the episode where Will Smith became Will Smith. It f*ckes me up EVERY SINGLE TIME IT COMES ON. I have six seven words and one contraction for you:

How come he don’t he want me man?

I’m getting a little misty just thinking about that scene. In fact, I need a tissue.

3. Steve tells Carl that he’s like a father to him on Family Matters

While I can’t find a freakin’ Youtube clip of the episode – Internets my fanny – this is the episode where Carl gets electrocuted and Urkel saves his life by giving him CPR. Well, Carl realizes Urkel saved him and has to be nice to him. Shenanigans ensue. The end. Except in this episode, Steve ends up telling Carl that he was scared to lose him because he’s like a father to him. I have no idea why but that always brought a tear to my eyes. Thing is, I know my daddy. He raised me. So I have no idea why I get so ungangstalike, however, maybe I have a soft spot for all my homeboys at Clinton Max. Word to Tupac.

4. The episode of Dawson’s Creek where Dawson’s dead buys the farm

(the one version of this that I can find on youtube disabled the audio b/c the use of the James Taylor song was unauthorized on Youtube. Blower)

Gangstas do indeed watch Dawson’s Creek. Or used to anyway. Yo, this episode where Dawson’s dad dies f*cked.me.up. I think it was the manipulative use of James Taylor’s “Fire and Rain” but I still remember seeing this episode and having to take a call or go save a puppy or something to remove myself from the room. I wasn’t alone either. All of us watching had to go tend to other commitments. Sadness I know thee to well.

Anyway, those are 4 moments that test my gangsta in a most heinous way – are there any tv, movie or video scenes that don’t include Aaron Hall that brought you to tears? Or better yet that you can’t watch without pretending you have allergies?

Share please, I need something to watch today at work.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka 40 P aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

The Five Worst Movies…Ever (and by “ever” I mean “of the last 20 years”)

The Champ — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 04:01:57 +0000

***LATE A** ADMIN NOTE: This is a spoiler alert. If you haven’t seen Why Did I Get Married Too and intend to do so, stop reading after movie #4 as there are “plot” points given in this post. I repeat, this is a spoiler alert. Not that it will ruin a ruined movie or anything, but just as a matter of record. ***

: Are we both cats yet?

***Before we begin today, we just wanted to thank everyone for their support and votes for The Black Blog Awards. VSB won the both the judges and the popular vote for Best Blog Duo as well as the judges vote for Best Comedy Blog, and we couldn’t have done it without you***

While watching Why Did I Get Married Too Wednesday night, I was overcome with a smorgasbord of different feelings and emotions (amazement, itchiness, pride, embarrassment, and hunger to name a few), but one was a bit more prominent than the rest: regret.

You see, although this movie was released in April, Wednesday was my first time watching it. This meant millions of people had probably already seen it by the time I got around to seeing it. And this (“millions of people had probably already watched it“) meant that all of the snarky comments and critiques I had about the hilariously contrived characters, the awkward attempts at “real male dialogue“, the fisher-price plot twists, Lou Gossett Jr.’s schizophrenic island accent, and Tyler Perry’s airport man switch had probably been discussed, written, tweeted, and blogged about already (case in point), and I regretted that I hadn’t watched the movie sooner so I could have been in on all the fun.

How bad was this movie? Let me put it this way: Being coerced into watching Why Did I Get Married Too is the best get out of jail free card a man could ever have. Like, if you watched it with your girl yesterday and your girl’s birthday was next week but you completely forgot about it because you had been too busy helping your ex-girlfriend paint her kitchen, you could just say “I guess we’re even now” and you would be.

While Why Did I Get Married Too was definitely bad, was it bad enough to crack my list of the five worst movies ever? Lets see.

***For clarity’s sake, in order to make this list, the movie has to have had some sort of expectation of quality. For instance, although I Got the Hook Up and Glitter were definitely terrible movies, they don’t qualify because nobody in their right mind thought they’d be any good. I’ve named this the “Shannon Tweed Tenet”***

Vanilla Sky

Principles: Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz, Cameron Crowe, Cameron Diaz

Plot: I’ve seen it three times and I still have no f*cking clue.

Why it makes the cut: Not only is Vanilla Sky the worst movie ever made (Yes. It is. Any other movie you’d put in its place would be wrong. Accept this and move on.), it might be single worst thing ever done in any context. It’s worse than the Potato Famine, the Rodney King verdict, Paul Pierce’s beard, medium rare chicken nuggets, the Tuskegee experiment, Warren G. Harding’s presidency, and the projected future of Antonio Cromartie’s kids. There are plagues with more positive attributes than Vanilla Sky. There are albino cockroaches with more redeeming qualities. Calling it a sh*tty movie would be an insult to turds everywhere. An aarkvark rapes a puppy every time this movie is watched.

Bad Santa

Principles: Billy Bob Thorton, Tony Cox, Lauren Graham, Bernie Mack, Brett Kelly

Plot: Billy Bob Thorton–Santa Claus, a con man, and an asshole–meets the dumbest 8 year old on the planet.

Oh, and John Ritter dies. (Too soon?)

Why it makes the cut: There have been worse movies, but Bad Santa deserves special recognition for the potential of what it could have been. There’s no reason in hell why a movie with such a funny and entertaining premise (and funny and entertaining actors) should be so unfunny and aggressively unentertaining.

And, while I’m usually a fan of vulgarity, watching this was like watching a kindergarten choir recite the lyrics to “Put it in Ya Mouth”. Actually, it was worse. It was like watching a kindergarten choir recite the lyrics to “Put it in Ya Mouth” while the 2nd grade student aid is breaking the teacher’s back on the piano.

The Matrix Revolutions

Principles: Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Laurence Fishburne, The Wachowski Brothers, Hugo Weaving

Plot: Neo is an unstoppable combination of Jesus, Beatrix Kiddo, and Clyde Drexler. Wait, no he isn’t. Wait, yes he is. (For real this time)

Why it makes the cut: While the series had a great beginning, it ended with two and a half hours of preachy and overproduced pseudo-intellectual pretentiousness. Basically, it was exactly like a Lupe Fiasco album.

Transformers 2

Principles: Michael Bay, robots, and some other motherf*ckers

Plot: Good and evil robots stage a bunch of battles on Earth to see how many different ways sweat can drip off of Megan Fox’s slow-motion bouncing boobs

Why it makes the cut: Along with being completely incomprehensible (During the fight scenes, you couldn’t tell which robots you were supposed to be rooting for, and once you figured that out you couldn’t tell if they were winning. Couldn’t they just have gone shirts and skins or something?) and surprisingly racist, this remains the only movie I’ve ever seen that actually induced physical pain. I left the theater with a migraine, an earache, burning eyes, a bloody nose, and somehow even managed to grow a genital wart.

Why Did I Get Married Too

Principles: A bunch of n*ggas you already know

Plot: …………..

Why it makes the cut: Should have been marketed as a science-fiction flick because it contained at least 25 major scenes and plot points that could have never, ever, ever, ever happened on this Earth we currently inhabit. For the sake of time, I’ll only name 3.

1. Troy’s inability to find a job, despite the fact that he was a f*cking 6’4” black police officer…in Atlanta…with experience!!! Recession or not, do you know how many d*cks a big city chief of police would suck if he knew he could hire a 35 year old 6 foot 4 black cop with experience? Let me answer that for you. 7. Trust me, if you live in a big city, your chief of police and your mayor would definitely suck 7 d*cks each to get a person like Troy on their police force. I hope that helps you sleep better tonight.

2. Gavin dying after his $100,000, “specifically built for the race track” car was hit on the passenger side by a truck going 23 miles per hour.

3. The entire subplot around the cellphone password, despite the fact that cellphones don’t have f*cking passwords. While you may need to enter a password if you’re trying to check your voicemail from another line, if you actually physically have the phone, all you have to do is touch it. It’s like sitting on someone’s porch while their door is wide open but begging them for a key. Or something like that.

***9:15am edit: So apparently I’m the last person on Earth who actually doesn’t feel the need to put a password on my cellphone, and I apologize for assuming you all had better people around you.***

Anyway, people of VSB, any additions? What are the worst movies you’ve ever seen?

The carpet is yours.

—The Champ

Dear Champ (Vol 2): How do men really feel about women and their hair?

The Champ — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 04:01:15 +0000

If you were not aware, the new hair wave with black women is the desire and the act of going natural. Including myself. Since going natural, the way i’ve been treated and my interaction with the other gender has changed drastically. I won’t say whether good or bad. I will say that there has been a change overall in every aspect of my life….

So the question I pose is this: How do men really feel about women and their hair? The ‘Natural’ thing? Weaves? Relaxer? Braids? etc etc… Or does a real man even really care? I’m not sure if this is a topic you all have touched on already, but I am anxious to hear your thoughts.

There are two ways to answer this question, and because I’m feeling particularly magnanimous today, I’ve decided to share both.

The easy, Black Blog Tea Party appeasing answer: Stop trippin, sis. Whether it came from your own scalp or Shamika’s House of Indian Hair and Waffles, it’s your hair, and you can do whatever the hell you want to it. Don’t allow yourself to be so caught up with how men perceive you that you lose yourself in a minefield of archaic heteronormative expectation. Plus, real men, manly men, don’t give a damn about your hair, and those who do are just weak-minded and insecure agents for the on-going feminization of male culture. You think Malcolm gave a damn whether Betty wanted to rock cornrows? You think Barack would have stopped sweating Michelle if he happened to see a couple tracks?

The VerySmart answer: Hair matters, and men care about women’s hair. Generally speaking, men like “nice” hair, and nice could mean natural, weaves, relaxers, braids, or even baldys. But, how each man defines “nice” is determined by each individual man, and each of us have our own particular hair-related likes and dislikes. (Personally, I tend to be drawn to women with “safe” and relatively low-maintenance hairstyles, and I’m usually not a big fan of a ton of hair)

And while there is no “right” or wrong “hairstyle”, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say there might possibly be a right or wrong hairstyle to attract the type of man you’re interested in. As stated in “How Your Look Affects Your Luck”, we’re usually attracted to certain “types” of women, and way a woman wears her hair makes a difference in how she’s initially regarded because many of us associate certain do’s with certain personalities.

Also, from a purely aesthetic viewpoint, some head shapes and facial structures just don’t go with certain hairstyles, and I’ve seen women make the mistake of assuming that a guy wasn’t into a particular hairstyle when the truth was that he just wasn’t into that particular hairstyle on her. This is true for men and women though. For instance, I’d never shave my head because I just don’t have the head shape to rock a baldy without perpetual ridicule, and I’d look distinctly different (and quite rhesus monkey-ish) without my beard and mustache as well.

When beginning to date, is it better to let a dude know that he is in competition with others or make him think he is the only one (without lying, of course)?

This is tricky. You probably don’t want to just come out and say “You know, I just found out last night that there really is room for two in the men’s stalls at The Cheesecake Factory” in mid-date discussion, but you also don’t want to give him the impression that he’s the damn fool on the date with the chick nobody wants.

The best way to handle this is to let him think you might have other suitors without actually saying it or even implying it. Don’t bring it up, but if he asks about your Saturday plans and you already have a date with another man that Saturday, just tell him you’re “busy”. If he presses, remind him he’s new and that your business is none of his.

CHAMP had sex with a guy, not thinking much of it, but now I WANT MORE AND MORE. . Is there any chance of a relationship AND THIS IS MY FIRST TIME WITH A BLACK MAN I AM WHITE FEMALE.I REALLY LIKE HIM ALOT, BUT I FEEL I AM COMEN ON TO STRONG .

If this email is any indication of how strong you might be coming on, even the zombies in 28 Days Later would tell you to slow down a bit.

I’m tired of meeting a guy, giving him my number, and he text messages me. No phone calls just texts! Or if we have a great first date and then all he does is text message me after that. What’s up with that?

If you would have asked this question a couple years ago, I probably would have said something about how this lack of social decorum is a sign that he’s either too immature to be taken seriously and/or that he obviously doesn’t respect or value you enough to continue dating him.

Although this still might be true, I’ve come to realize that the text message has completely overtaken the telephone as the main form of communication for many people. And, while I do think it’s a bit odd to text a woman you’ve just met instead of calling her, the vast majority of these people text out of habit and convenience, not rudeness or disinterest. What long-term effect this will have on our culture remains to be seen, but if it’s really an issue for you, send him one reply stating that you’d prefer to actually hear his voice instead of the new text message alert. If he still refuses to call, then, well, you have your answer.

Champ when my girl catches the big one, she starts crying which totally freaks me out and turns me off. What should I do? Should I hold back?

Take your girl to church this Sunday. While you’re there, steal a Bible. After you get back home, take the Bible in the bedroom by yourself, and get down on your knees to thank God for placing this woman in your life. Repeat this process everyday for the next 35 years (give or take a decade or so)

If this doesn’t work, send two high-definition pictures of your girl and her email address to contact@verysmarbrothas.com so I can auction off her contact info. I’m thinking about buying a new car, and the money I’ll make from this should probably cover the down payment.

*You can contact Dear Champ at Formspring.me/AskChamp and contact@verysmartbrothas.com*

—The Champ

Why Kanye Matters so Gotdamn Much

The Champ — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 04:02:50 +0000

Panama: so i know a lot of women who absolutely love kanye west and i can honestly say i dont get it. like i cant tell if they want to be with him? or if his swag is attractive to them or what…

kanye being an attractive human being is an oddity to me

Champ: i think they like what he produces and what he’s capable of producing more than anything else

the art more than the artist

i mean, i guess that explains why guys like paul mccartney and lyle lovett have had their pick of beautiful women

the idea of kanye matters more than he does

well, not more, but just as much

women love big ideas and potential more than they love us, lol

and kanye is a big f*cking idea

Panama: that is true

Champ: but yeah, you’re right. he’s a sex symbol who women don’t seem to want to have sex with

its weird. i’ve never believed any of the “kanye’s gay” rumors, but i have a hard time believing he was sleeping with amber rose, or anyone for that matter

Panama: good point

Champ: but, he’s also admitted to a porn addiction, and i’ve heard from a few sources that he’s not particularly shy about whipping it out in public, lol

Panama: apparently a lot of guys aren’t

i’ve had chicks tell me numerous times of dudes i know who they’ve been with on some one-on-one hang shit and dude will just pull his shit out

Champ: i knew a guy in college who’d hand women business cards with a pic of him holding his wang

i always wondered who took those pictures for him

Panama: lol

Midway through our latest podcast, I made a completely extemporaneous remark about Kanye West being one of the most important black people in the world; a statement so extemporaneous and unexpected you can hear the shock in my own voice when I said it. This surprise was largely based on the fact that I didn’t believe a single word of what I had just said.

But, because the verbal edit button–a device allowing you to delete reckless things you’ve said before anyone actually hears it–hasn’t been invented yet, I went full speed ahead, citing Kanye’s pandemic effect on our culture as proof of my statement’s truth. Surprisingly, the more I spoke, the more I realized this theory wasn’t that far fetched. Culture–the way we behave, how we interact, and what we believe–f*cking matters. And, regardless of how superficial you consider their particular contributions to be, our living and breathing cultural determinants–our Jay-Zs’, our Kardashians, our Beyonces–f*cking matter too.

Kanye, his brand of unabashed and simultaneously insecure self-confidence, and the art this volatile mixture created, has done more to spearhead this current era of hip-hop androgyny we live in than any other entity. Ironically, this makes him a bit of a throwback. His visceral emoting and occasional bouts of hyper-heterosexual aggression hearken back to the 80′s, when lascivious and sexually ambiguous performers such as Prince, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, and Boy George ruled the airwaves. I’m not suggesting Kanye is in fact bi or homosexual, but his particular type of emotiveness is unlike any we’ve seen in hip-hop, and by osmosis he’s helped to pave the way to mainstream acceptance and embrace for (among other things) Drake, skinny jeans, Lady Gaga, Rhianna, blazers, Nicky Minaj, eyeglasses, B.O.B., blogging (yes. blogging), Lil Wayne, frohawks, and Twitter.

Despite all of this, I’ve always wondered what exactly it is about Kanye that allows him to wield such a cultural influence. How the hell does this tiny guy from the Chi have so much power? While his persona is (somewhat) original in a hip-hop context, the characteristics contributing to this persona are completely unoriginal. His critically lauded sample-heavy and soulful production is somewhat of a copy of music the RZA was making in 1995. While he’s definitely improving as a rapper, he’ll never be confused for a “natural” like a Nas or even a Scarface. And, by the time “The College Dropout” was released, the emotive eccentricity and eclecticism he’s known for had already been “done” (and, arguably, done better) by Andre 3000. He’s basically an HD compatible betamax.

The insane buzz over his two relatively underwhelming new singles (“Power” and “Hear Me Now”. Although, I have to admit I love “Hear Me Now” and the “Power” remix) have helped me figure it out: It’s not Kanye himself as much as it’s the idea of Kanye–and what we think he’s capable of–that matters so gotdamn much. This explains why each of his albums (even the sucky ones I eventually allowed to grow on me) are cultural landmarks even among those who love hip-hop but hate him and/or his music. This helps me understand how we’ve allowed a man who has made entire albums based around the idea that college is a sham and publicly admitted to not reading books (ha!) to be the de facto musical spokesperson for the young and college educated African-American. This even explains why (many) women are completely infatuated by him despite the fact that they probably wouldn’t sleep with him if given the chance.

With Kanye, it’s not so much about who he is or what he’s accomplished as much as it’s who we want him to be and what he just might do. While he has definitely produced, the power we’ve given him lies in the fact that his otherworldly range of personality makes him potential personified, and this makes him completely unstable and completely impervious to prediction—exactly like culture. He’s a living and breathing cultural cipher for our Id’s and expectations (whatever they might be), and he matters so gotdamn much because we need him to.

—The Champ

***By the way, If you haven’t done so yet, check out “The Black Blog Tea Party“, The Champ’s latest piece at Clutch Magazine***

“Will you ask to bite my burger even if there’s still food on your plate?” and 5 More Crucial Questions Men Need to Start Asking Before We Decide to Commit

The Champ — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 04:06:41 +0000

: I’m smiling now, but reach for my steak and you just might lose a finger.

I’m a nice guy.

Not nice in a pandering for panties way, or even nice in a “Well, I haven’t been incarcerated since Easter of ’07, so that must mean I’m a pretty nice guy” way, but genuinely nice. Seriously. I’m a true point guard. I’m conscious and considerate of other’s feelings. I’m loved by animals, kids, cops, and 40-something cougars. I’m so rarely angered that sometimes, I’ll even pretend that I’m mad just to show a person they’ve done something most people would find upsetting, even if I personally don’t. I always tip. Generously. Random mousy white women ask me for cigarettes and directions. Middle aged men at basketball courts ask me for advice about their sons and make plans to introduce me to their nieces. (I usually decline. Nicely, though) I share and I care and sh*t.

But, although I’ve been blessed with this avalanche of unusually consistent (and relatively useless) niceness, there are a few things (prunes, the month of October, the moon, Entourage, etc) I unabashedly hate, and nothing draws my ire more than when people ask to eat food off my plate.

My girlfriend likes to eat food off of my plate.

As you’ve probably inferred, this presents quite an issue for me. Our relationship is great in pretty much every other way, but when we’re eating together and she asks for a bite of my pizza–despite the fact that there are six perfectly healthy slices of pizza sitting in a box five freakin feet away–we might as well be Kat Stacks and Carmelo Anthony. Luckily, I’ve recently learned a bit of subterfuge. You see, she hates when I ask for a slip of whatever she’s drinking. (The nerve!!!) Now, whenever she asks for a bite of my burger, I calmly grant her request, and then mentally giggle two minutes later when I ask for a slip of her Vitamin Water and watch her reluctantly appease. Sure it’s not a win, but a lose/lose is better than nothing.

Although I still probably would have decided to pursue a relationship, I wonder how much different things would be today if I asked “Will you ask to bite my burger even if there’s still food on your plate?” when we first met. If anything I would have had a bit more time to plot a counter strategy and attack.

Anyway, while the burger biting situation is relatively insignificant, there are a few crucial, yet somewhat ignored, questions every man should ask before entering a relationship, typically unasked questions where the answer can be the difference between persistent headaches and perpetual happiness.

1. “Can you make yourself climax?”

Why this is important to ask: As flaky and indecisive as the female orgasm already is, entering a relationship with a grown and sexually active woman (virgins are excused) possessing a less than fisher-price understanding of and/or level of comfort with her own parts is like trying to bake a chocolate cake in a DVD player: It sounds like a good idea, at least until you start attracting mice.

And, since her lack of enjoyment probably ensures that she’ll start to look at sex as just another mundane relationship duty to be fulfilled, you’ll probably start to hate it (and her) too.

2. “Do you have good looking friends?”

Why this is important to ask: Actually, since we’ve already established numerous times (Yes. Numerous times) that women aren’t to be trusted when gauging the physical attractiveness of other women, you probably shouldn’t ask this question. Still, you need to do your own reconnaissance work to determine how attractive her friends are, just so you know in advance which ones to be nice to and befriend, and which ones you’re supposed to greet with a handshake or a one-armed deacon hug.

3. “Are you crazy?”

Why this is important to ask: If she immediately says “No”, she’s a liar and a gotdamn nutcase. If she immediately says ‘Yes”, she’s honest and a gotdamn nutcase. If she answers your question with another question (ie: “Why? Are you crazy, n*gga?“) or an adverb phrase (ie: “Only after the lights are on“) she’s a keeper.

4. “Where do you see yourself five years from now?”

Why this is important to ask: Even if she has no freakin clue about the answer to this question, most women worth their salt would will give you the same elevator speech they’ve been perfecting for a decade now.

“Well, first, when I’m done with my MBA, I plan to found my own Afrocentric container store company called “Kinte Cups“. I haven’t quite decided where I’m going to relocate though. Right now, I have it narrowed to either Richmond, VA or Jakarta, but…”

Again, even if she has absolutely no damn clue where she’s going to be 5 days from now, she’ll usually still give you that answer because she wants to give off the impression that she has all of her sh*t together, and isn’t planning on waiting on any man. Even if this is a lie, it’s a good sign that she’s willing to at least give the impression that she has and will continue to have a life outside of you.

But, if she says anything even close to “Hmmm, I don’t know. I’m kind of taking things one day at a time, playing it by ear, you know? We’ll see.”, run!!!!!!!

5. “Who is your ex?”

Why this is important to ask: Some acts are hard to follow. And some, well, some you just don’t want to follow.

That’s it for now, but I’m sure I’m missing a few. Guys, help me out here. Can you think of any other crucial (and usually unasked) questions you should ask before deciding to commit?

Also, ladies, you’re not getting off easy today. Are there any questions you should start forcing guys to answer before you agree to commit to us?

The carpet is yours.

—The Champ

A Mad Men-Induced Conversation About the Definition of Cheating

The Champ — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 04:01:56 +0000

“I guess it occurs whenever one person in a relationship does something with the opposite sex that their mate wouldn’t approve of. Basically, it’s cheating if you feel the need to hide what you’re doing and cover your tracks. If you know your dude is sleeping around and you rather he didn’t, but you don’t think infidelity is a big deal, that’s not cheating. Chlamydia? Yes. Cheating? No.”

“You’re obsessed with The Clap. You would have fit right in at Sterling Cooper”

“Huh?”

“Every time you have the opportunity to randomly name drop a venereal disease in conversation, you choose chlamydia. Syphilis gets no love from you. What did syphilis do to deserve this treatment? Did syphilis forget to send you a Christmas card last year?”

“Actually, gonorrhea is ‘The Clap’. Chlamydia is just, well, chlamydia.”

“You sure? That doesn’t make any euphemistic sense. Plus, alliteration makes STD’s much more fun.”

“Stop asking questions, and stop trying to use big words to deflect from the fact that your stupid ass didn’t know gonorrhea was “The Clap”. Anyway, you never said if you agree with my definition of cheating. Makes sense, doesn’t it?”

“No. It makes even less sense than The Clap. If you compiled all the sh*t I do with the opposite sex that I hide from my girlfriend because I know she wouldn’t approve, it would be enough to fit in…a…big ass box that stores shit you hide from girlfriends. She probably wouldn’t have approved of the five minutes I spent today googling names of women I met in Caribana in 2002 just to see if they were still alive. She probably wouldn’t have approved of the face I made last week when the surprisingly thick chick with the Jewish fro at Sephora bent over to reach a bottle of Escada Sentiment for me. She definitely wouldn’t approve of half the daily conversations I have with women, including this one. Seriously, the only way “my girlfriend finding out about this conversation” wouldn’t equal “an argument that could only be settled with five consecutive days of shower cunnilingus” is if I told her you were a lesbian. And, even then it probably wouldn’t matter. My point is that I try very hard not to reveal any of that stuff to her, but nothing I’ve done would be considered to even be in the same ballpark as cheating by any sane and rational person. I’m no saint, but I’m definitely not no Don Draper either. And, I know most women aren’t sane and rational, but for the sake of the discussion, lets pretend”

“You’re funny. Seriously, you’re almost half as funny as you already think you are. I guess this makes you Peter Campbell.”

“Thanks! See, I just think there’s a huge distinction between “Cheating” and “Inappropriate, but ultimately harmless behavior“. There’s no forgiving cheating. And, since infidelity is the only behavior I wouldn’t approve, it’s only cheating if it’s actual sex. It’s my only unconditional dealbreaker.”

“I thought being a Laker fan was an unconditional dealbreaker for you.”

“Well, that too. But, short of actual sex, I’d be willing to at least entertain an excuse for any other behavior. I mean, if I found out she drunkenly kissed a disabled sailor at a New Years Eve party, I probably wouldn’t consider that to be cheating. In fact, once I put her through a couple months of passive-aggressive hell, I’d applaud her for her altruism. It’s tough for vets these days, yanno?”

“So, if you found out your girl gave Shaq a naked lap dance, you’d be ok with it as long as he didn’t break the seal?”

“Hell no”

“Why not? That contradicts everything you just said. I mean, that’s short of sex, and since they didn’t have sex, in your book that’s not cheating, right?”

“True. But, Shaq used to play for the Lakers.”

—The Champ

10 Relationship Facts – Panama Jackson Style

Panama Jackson — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 04:14:19 +0000

1. Love hurts just like Ralph Tresvant told us.

Who’d have thought the dude who brought us possibly the 3rd gayest song in history behind only Carl Thomas’ “Emotional” and The Village People’s “YMCA” would be spitting so much knowledge. Real talk, if you’ve never been in pain, you’ve never been in love.

2. If the woman isn’t smiling when you meet her, you should keep on walking.

While chicks who smile too much might look like The Joker in The Dark Knight, the fact is that chicks who are scowling will get you dead and probably don’t believe in fellatio or Christmas.

3. You should always feel comfortable with the person you’re with.

If it ever feels like you have to walk on eggshells or temper what you say, it’s time for an intervention or a resolution. Word to Aaliyah. RIP.

4. Try not to live with regrets.

Regrets f*cking suck. You never want to wish you had said something more or done something else. Plus, the Jay-Z song off of Reasonable Doubt was dope but truth is, it was the gayest song on that entire album. And nobody wants to be associated with the gayest song on an album. Except maybe Jay-Z who ALSO made the song “Lucky Me” on Volume 1 which might be the absolute fruitiest hiphop song in history.

5. Do not kick squirrels in the presence of somebody you’re interested in.

While I’m not a big fan of squirrels, you never know who is and who’s watching. If you kick a squirrel you might miss out on the woman or man of your dreams because, well, they love squirrels and bushy tails. F*ck bushy tails personally, but hey, some people believe in PETA and their causes. Me? My closet looks like a pet cemetery. Word to Cam’ron.

6. Don’t try to control love.

Let love control you. Well, feelings at least. The more you try to control the dating process the more everything will go haywire and somebody will want to stab you with a pitchfork and two sets of matches from a Marriott hotel out in Poughkeepsie. I’ve never been there but I imagine it sucks monkey nuts.

7. If you don’t feel a spark initially, and you’re a woman, take a chance on love. If you’re man, keep on walking.

I know, double standards are a motherf*cker but the truth is, men can grow on women. The opposite is not true. If a dude isn’t feeling a chick upfront, there’s no chance in Hades that she’ll grow on him unless he lives in a Midwestern city like Omaha where I imagine Black booty is at a premium. Of course if you’re into snow bunnies and cornstalk love then maybe this is all moot. But really, I have no clue what I’m talking about right now anyway so hi-five an Amish dude.

8. Communication is at least the mailbox key.

Which is why dating a deaf or mute person is not going to work out so well. Not that they can’t communicate. What with technology the way it is nowadays, a deaf person can have a full fledge text relationship with somebody of sound (PUN) organs without missing a beat. But really, share your feelings and your thoughts as much as possible except on Sundays and during the NBA Playoffs. Sure we all know that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but when was the last time that Oprah or a grown arse man who didn’t dress in drag told you this? It’s been a long time. Word to Rakim.

9. Lie until you have to tell the truth.

Whoa. Did Panama just say lie? Yes he did. If you have somebody worth loving, then sometimes you are going to have to reframe your convos in such a way that is disingenuous to how you feel. As long as you’re not lying about cheating, making sure that the way you present info helps the other person feel better about themselves is a small price to pay. Like paying for shoestrings in Taiwan. But, if they won’t let you live or be great and keep forcing the issue, well, f*ck them up against the wall and make them check the rhyme. What does that mean? It means that Rock The Bells with ATCQ is here this weekend in Maryland and I won’t be there. Go me.

10. Realize that nobody will love you as much as you love yourself.

If you’re relying on somebody else to make you feel good about yourself than you are hustling backwards. People are inherently selfish and out for their own good first and foremost. Do you first and let other’s fall in line. If they don’t fall in live, electric slide their arses right on down the road. And um stay away from too much plastic surgery. Word to Michael Jackson. RIP and happy birthday, ninja.

Those are some facts from Panama Jackson. From the heart. What are some relationship facts that you subscribe to and follow at all times?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka KING JACKSON aka KING BEEF aka VITAMIN P aka 40 P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Also shoutouts to everybody I met tonight at the Blogger Happy Hour in DC. My friend with the with the bootleg business cards, my Asian Latina friend and her homey who loves Champ and not PJ, the two chicks from Hampton with the never-ending donks, the Deltas who danced with gay guys, the homey who travelled with the chick who sounds like a drink waiting to happen, the homey who got buzzed off of one martini, Leon, Dr. Jay from SBM and various other sites, homey from DC to BC and the folks putting the happy on, Usual Suspectz. It was fun. We must do it again!

Why The DEA Has It Right And Other Odd Skills That Might Help You Find A Job

Panama Jackson — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 04:06:00 +0000

Much like everybody else, I found out that the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) was looking for translators with proficiency in Ebonics via Twitter. Like most people I also didn’t pay it any mind. But I kept hearing people jokingly talk about it and I decided to look it up myself and sure enough, the ACTUAL DEA was looking to hire people to help them translate conversations picked up on wiretaps a la HBO’s The Wire.

Sonofb*tch.

“DEA’s position is, it’s a language form we have a need for,” Sanders said. “I think it’s a language form that DEA recognizes a need to have someone versed in to conduct investigations.”

The translators, being hired in the agency’s Southeast Region — which includes Atlanta, Georgia; Washington; New Orleans, Louisiana; Miami, Florida; and the Caribbean — would listen to wiretaps, translate what was said and be able to testify in court if necessary, he said.

And Ebonics is no longer spoken only by African-Americans, Sanders said, referring to it as “urban language” or “street language.” He said he is aware of investigations in recent years in which it was spoken by African-Americans, Latinos and white people. “It crosses over geographic, racial and ethnic backgrounds,” he said.

You know, I realize that a lot of people might think this is absolutely ridiculous. And to them I say, pishtosh. I think its absolutely ridiculous to NOT have people who are fluent in urban language translating these tapes. Think about this. The ONLY person who was thru and thru from Baltimore on The Wire was Snoop. Do you know how many episodes it took for me to understand just what the f*ck she was saying? And I speak fluent ATL, a language that has baffled many a ninja. Now imagine a bunch of tapes FULL of people who sound like Snoop. And then add the myriad slanguages and dialects that we as a people are known to employ. I, myself, have said that some of these ninjas are speaking a different language.

So go you, DEA, for being an innovator in law enforcement. And think about all of the jobs (well 9) it will create. And think of the potential it opens up to other people of non-conventional skill during these tough economic times. No longer is that thing you do just a “thing”. It’s a possible resume talking point.

Such as?

Glad you asked.

Along the same lines of understanding and translating Ebonics…

1. The ability to be…ya know…Black

In the 70′s and 80′s our enemy was mother Russia and Germany and Italy. Not anymore. Now the people we have beef with look a lot like…ninjas. Have you ever wanted to play cops and robbers except in a situation where you DIDN’T end up in jail? Espionage might be right up your alley. Them Pakistanis, Afghans, and Middle Easterners in general look more like Black people than they do Ken dolls. Somebody call the CIA stat. You telling me that Freeway can’t fit in over in Saudi Arabia as a spy?

2. The ability to “bust” on demand

Look, Montana Fisburne has taught us that turning to pr0n isn’t a bad thing. Especially during a recession, special chex-related skills have to be at premium when people are paying less. If you have a marketable skill like the ability to bust on demand – a skill I heard some guy say he was making his living on – you might want to call Vivid Films and get an interview. Bang Bros ALWAYS seems to have a need. Not that I know anything about that.

3. Being one of those folks who could store large amounts of narcotics in odd places in their bodies with limited physical detriment

You know what I mean. I’m talking drug mules who’d store cocaine in their anus or swallow drugs and then regurgitate them once they reach a locale. What with all of the biological warfare countries are employing, you could sneak that crap into an airport in Yemen and let it loose undetected by everybody and win one for the gipper. Of course, there’s no way in hell you could get any insurance since you’re drop description would be “biological drug mule for the greater good of America” but you win some you lose some.

4. Nicki Minaj fans

I believe we could check the mental defectiveness of America’s youth by determining how much Nicki Minaj average people could take. Once we toppled her, we could move to Ke$ha and then Justin Bieber (who I actually like) to determine which one’s make the greatest torture tactic. Face it, Eminem’s getting all inspirational and sh*t now. Even our Muslim brothers don’t hate him anymore.

This one is gonna be abtract so follow me…

5. Shiny ninjas

You know the folks who are always just greasy and shiny? What if the government started using them to refract sunrays in order to create alternative energy sources. Take all that sunlight and beam them off a shiny ninjas skin into a storehouse for solar energy. You don’t think Vaseline wouldn’t get in on this? I’m sure they would. Just for being greasy as f*ck.

Deep.

Anyway, I think the DEA has the right idea. But my good VSB bredren and bredreness’, what are some other odd skills that could be marketable in these economic times?

Talk to me, Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka KING JACKSON aka GO KING BEEF aka 40 P aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

AND PS TO MY DMV FAMILY, DON’T FORGET THE BLOGGER HAPPY HOUR BEING CO-HOSTED BY MYSELF, BIG SNOOP DOGG PANAMA JACKSON AND OTHER BLOGGERS OF NOTE AT THE PARK AT 14TH STREET TODAY FROM 5-10PM. IF YOU’RE COMING, HOLLA AT A PLAYA ON TWITTER OR ON THE STREET TRICK SO WE CAN KICK IT OLD SCHOOL.

Things Drunk White People Do That Black People Don’t Do…Unless We’re Being Black

Panama Jackson — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 04:00:40 +0000

Drunk white people are a trip. How do I know this? Because I’ve had some close encounters with them.

And let me put this out there upfront, I’m scared of drunk white people. Drunk white people make me feel very uncomfortable like there’s always a fight that’s about to break out and if anybody ends up in jail, it will probably be…me. Especially with drunk white dudes. I don’t stay around those cats long. I saw the Scottsboro Boys, Face/Off, and Roadhouse. Oh yeah, and you remember that scene in The Little Mermaid where the drunk white cat starts hanging with the albatross and then eats eggs and dances with plates? Drunk white dudes did all that.

You see, drunk white people garner the same reaction from reading Black people that all Black people draw from white folks. Amazing how the stereotypes just flip-flop when you add some Pabst Blue Ribbon and Jager-bombs to the mix. Actually, I have no idea what the white libation of choice is but I will say that I only know one Black cat who’s ever ordered a White Russian, because it has milk…and you KNOW Black folks are lactose intolerant.

The more you know.

*ding*

Anyway, here are things that drunk white people do when they’re drunk that Black people don’t do.

1. Get loud and belligerent as f*ck

While we, the Black people, are loud by nature – face it, we are – drunk white people take being loud to a whole new level. Especially the chicks. Thing is as opposed to yelling about important things like why the white man is the devil like my Hebrew Israelite friends in NYC do, white chicks yell about where their friends are and say, “I’m so drunk” over and over very loudly. Drunk white guys like to yell out the word, “bro” a lot, which is also different from our standard greeting (at least in the Southern states) of “bruh”.

I remember once while Chappelle’s Show was on the air a group of white dudes driving thru Adam’s Morgan in a cab yelling out to every Black person, “daaaaaaaaaaarkness”. And I’d have been mad if it wasn’t so gosh darn funny. Bazinga1

2. Fight

I know us ninjas are a fighting breed. I’m watching Martin right now and he just got into a fight with an old woman. See, we just do that. But drunk white people fight any and everybody. A drunk white guy just can’t stop himself from punching a hole into something and then going all “rager” while his drunk girlfriend tries to pull him away from the other drunk parties as they take off their shirts to show off the their muskels and prove that they can handle anything. Pride is the number one killer of Black men between birth and death. Alcohol and insider trading is the same for white people.

3. Go gay

Not sure why being drunk makes all white girls think its okay to tongue each other down. And it’s not like I’m complaining either. While it doesn’t do anything for me it would be rude of me to try to rob somebody else of the joy of seeing two snowbunnies ski each other’s slopes. But why does that happen? Ain’t no way in f*ck that two Black women are going to slob each other down because of liquor like white people. But yep, the pinks feel eachother up and grab boobs and arses, lick one another and taste the rainbow. By the way, tasting the rainbow is gay.

4. Invade personal space

All white people go all Napoleon when they’re drunk. Which is saying something since white people don’t respect personal space when they’re NOT drunk. But noooooope, drunk white people get all up in your grill and disrespect the 6-9 inch rule. This is the main reason I don’t do drunk white people. The entitlement issues developed during slavery manifest themselves at clubs where they embark their tyrannical reign of imperialist curmudgeonry by stepping on my toes and whipping me with their hair whilst elbowing me because we’re sharing the same square foot of space. I hate sharing square foots, son. Hate it. But that’s a drunk pink for you. Oh, and Black folks don’t invade personal space because doing so means somebody’s show might get stepped on and you know what happens when somebody’s shoe gets stepped on. You remember Do The Right Thing! And he was WHITE TOO!!!!

See?

See!

By the way, I love white people.

What else do white people do when they’re drunk that Black folks just don’t do (unless we’re being…Black)?

Heal the world.

-VSB P aka MR. GO KING BEEF aka 40 P aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3