Bernard Kerik, a man once called an American hero, is in the news again today. In addition to serving as police chief at the time of 9/11, Kerik trained the Iraqi police-force following the 2003 invasion, and was once nominated by President Bush for the job of Homeland Security Secretary. This nomination, which would have been the highlight of any career in public service, ultimately served to cause his downfall. During the vetting process, a proverbial shit-ton of skeletons came out of his closet. Among them: Kerik employed an illegal nanny (who doesn’t?), had extramarital affairs, and took hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of bribes. Apparently, these things are frowned upon.

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Read the rest of OUR FRIEND BERNIE KERIK (174 words)

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Post tags: Ain't so smart, Cops, New York City

Someone just told me that John and Edward are doing a set at tonight’s GASH! at the Macbeth. Apparently the girl who organises it knows the guy who drives them and met them or something. It’s probably bullshit, but are you going to take that chance? Are you going to miss the opportunity to cheer ironically at this pair of virgins? Also, if John and Edward don’t show up, you can watch Sharks and Loverman, who are both much better anyway. To win a pair of tickets, email us and tell me what my favourite movie is. Closest guess wins.(...)
Read the rest of COMPETE FOR GASH! (0 words)

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Post tags: gash

Last night, on the way to Catch for my usual Thursday night of averageness, I spotted an animal-made monument that will surely go down in the annals of Hackney past – a perfectly vertical log of dog shit. Check it out up there. Look at it! It’s Hackney’s very own Stonehenge. Stoolhenge, if you will. The local council should put a perspex box around it to protect it, like they’d do with a grotesque Banksy creation. Go and check it out for yourself. It’s a little over half way up Goldsmith’s Row, towards Broadway Market.

PRANCEHALL

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Post tags: Hackney, Poo, Stonehenge

I’ve come six times today. Whatever. No big deal. My vagina currently feels like a piece of five-week-old deli meat and I’m finding it slightly difficult to walk, but it was totally worth it for those beautiful, magical, short bursts of ecstasy. God, I love porn.(...)
Read the rest of PORN IS RUINING MY LIFE AND MY BRAIN (424 words)

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Post tags: porn addict, RedTube

Magners Pear Cider and Viceland.com have teamed up for two nights with some of the best UK-based breakthrough comedians at The Roundhouse, London on the 11th November and The Glee Club, Birmingham on the 18th November. We’ve got five pairs of tickets to giveaway for this invite-only gig at both venues.(...)
Read the rest of WIN SOME COMEDY (78 words)

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Post tags: comedy, Magners

I was watching Conan O’Brien the other night, trying to fall asleep, when these two girls with $200 haircuts that looked like designer swim caps started playing guitars and chirping some awful tweeish indie rock. No big deal, I thought, it’s just another pair of dolts with a gimmick who both play the exact same chords throughout the entire song because they’re not really musicians. I asked my girlfriend if she knew who they were and she said, “Oh yeah, that’s Tegan and Sara.” To which I replied: “Where are the tap shoes?” She just looked at me like she normally does when I say something completely inappropriate. I just turned off the TV and went to bed. The next morning I woke up with sleep in my eyes and those two nu-dykes stuck in my head. WHERE ARE THE TAP SHOES? I was certain I was correct, but a quick Wikipedia search had nary a mention of Gregory Hines or Ann Miller’s influence on their awful music. I’m still confused by it all. I mean, Tegan and Sara? It sounds like they should be doing fucking cramprolls and shuffle hops to an audience of severely wrinkled people. Am I the only person who thinks this? Please tell me someone out there made the same mistake. And yes, I now realize I was confusing them with Tilly & the Wall. Whatever. Same shit, different emo hairdresser.

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Post tags: Conan O'Brien, tap, TEGAN AND SARA

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Post tags: aliens, channeling, demons, ghosts

Have you ever been to The Griffin? It’s great. The floor dissolved a decade ago, last month one of the buttresses feel off, they’ve got a hot Northern Irish barmaid, a pool table, a jukebox with Oasis on it, funny crisps you’ve never eaten before and (kind of) clean toilets. It’s next to our office and today, for some reason, Stringer Bell from The Wire was there filming some hot new shit. Lots of people in our office with DVD players at home were very excited, and none more so than our handsome new intern Rhys, who ran out to meet a man who’s easily one of his top 1,000 heroes on HBO. They did this sweet-ass interview.(...)
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Post tags: The Griffin, the wire

Pablo Tregebov and Alejandra Nuñez are two hardcore kids from Barcelona with the kind of tattoos that at first baffle, and then make you simmer with jealousy that you didn’t have the imagination or the balls to pull off. Like what? Like a kid’s drawing of a pair of boobs on your upper arm. Moving forward, they also have a thing about dogs. In Dog We Trust is the ripe fruit plucked from the tree of their mutual interests, which are hardcore and dogs, in case you haven’t been paying attention. It’s 40 full-color pages of canine photos, interspersed with interviews with a few people you should already know about (Jenna from Mika Miko, Patrick O’Dell, and Lewis Chaplin, among others), discussing their quadroped buddies.

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Read the rest of IN DOG WE TRUST (167 words)

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Post tags: dogs, In Dog We Trust, zine