VIDI AQUAM

dreams

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 13:43:00 +0000

i dreamed i was at the Methodist church, to set up for my sister's wedding and my grandmother's funeral. I got done decorating the Great Hall for her wedding, thinking my grandma's funeral was going to be in the sanctuary. Some of my girlfriends were there, but none of my family. An hour before the funeral I went upstairs and there was another funeral happening. I was trying not to get into an argument with the woman there, and still make things work. Then my sister showed up and said there wasn't going to be a wedding. I was upset because I had just finished the room- and then there was already a funeral happening in the sanctuary and people were starting to arrive for my grandmothers funeral.

WEIRD

marcy!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 02:22:00 +0000

can you still see this? im turning this site into a private journal and just want to make sure i am the only one who can see it- thanks for info. love ya

faith

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 06:33:00 +0000

I feel the need to write. A lot. I just need to vent. I abandoned this blog over two years ago (maybe it just feels like that long) because I felt like what I was writing wasn't authentic anymore, and just because I didn't feel like writing anymore.

So what is new? I am working at a different non profit now. Mostly though I want to talk about homeless babies and non competitive pool and chanting and love. Maybe 3 out of 4 won't be bad.

So among other things I have been volunteering overnight at the family emergency shelter. I am a shift lead, on call on Monday nights, and then when other hosts non show, the coordinator calls and asks if I want to fill in. He called me twice this week and I couldn't, so Saturday night, last night, I said yes.

The dynamic of the shelter was different since the last time I volunteered a month ago. This time, there were six babies. At the time it didn't phase me, but today, it really started to bother me. I had another meeting to go to tonight- I have been working with this tent city for the homeless, seperate from the family emergency shelter, and they are trying to get back into a position where they are self-governing (its a long story I can tgo into here). They were talking about whether or not to raise rent to $15 dollars, and there were some residents that don't have any income, and I could see the emotional toll it was taking on them.

At the same time, I am working 3 jobs trying to move into my dream house (a story I will tell soon), and basically going crazy trying to do everything I can to save money so I can pay various pet and move in deposits and first and last on the new place, and all that jazz, and my car just started to making a funny noise today when I shift gears and on and on.

I fought through various emotions, listening, as a representative of my church filling in for someone who couldnt make it, and as a representative for the advocacy group that supports the camp.

(My old roommate that has been in Iraq just unexpectedly knocked on my door, so my story telling was interupted. I am so glad she is ok. I have been praying for her lots).

Basically to sum this up I am ok because of crying, chanting/prayer at the episcopal church because my meeting ended early, laying in the pew looking at the beautiful ceiling really letting it all go and sensing this peaceful pressence, and then a free beer that I almost passed up because i just wanted to say hi to my friends and give them all hugs, which led to non competitive pool with my old college girlfriends, and love.

I can't write anymore because I am too tired. But I feel good. I don't understand why we live in a society that lets people live on the street- babies and the elderly especially. But I believe we can be miracles in each others lives, somehow, maybe. Yeah I believe it.

new blog

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 19:45:00 +0000

hi all! I am going to be moving. My plan is to transfer the pictures, poetry, and better faith/ spirituality posts to the new site. Really I just need a new space. This blog has sort of turned into a diary of sorts, which is fine, but I'd like to redirect my focus to topics dealing with spirituality and the Christian faith. Also, it's just time for a change! A brand new start! So, if you would like the address to my new blog, please email me at maria (dot) garner (at) gmail.com

I will probably not do much work on the new site til tomorrow, and hopefully will have things up and running by next week. Thanks so much! :)

mt rainier

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 04:58:00 +0000

dreams

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 18:46:00 +0000

I have been having a lot of dreams lately. Dreams of the past, dreams of the present, dreams of the future. Last night I dreamed that I ran into the guy I dated and that he was stricken with sadness and couldn't look me in the eye. At the very end of the dream we made eye contact with each other, seeming to express a kind of mutual understanding of having made a mistake with other and of having forgiven one another. I think I finally have peace about that whole experience/ relationship.

It has been difficult for me to get perspective on the last year of my life. Only in the last month or two have I been able to see how wounded I was from the end of my relationship with Evan. There were several months where I locked myself alone in my apartment and drank too much. There was the blackjack gambling spree I went on for several months, during that same time period, during those nights I didn't want consolation from my friends, and didn't want to be alone in the apartment either. There was that guy that I liked so much, the one I know now was a rebound, and I can admit that it was a rebound now, even though at that time I thought I was smarter than that. I can see how I gave up many things, and started bad habits-- like smoking cigarettes, all over again.

I have other dreams now. I have been thinking about what I want to do, about what would bring me happiness and fulfillment and about how I could best use my gifts and talents to serve others. I love the idea of eventually working for some sort of progressive faith based social services agency. Maybe that would be my dream job.

I always make eye contact with people in my dreams. Sometimes my dreams help me act out and experiment with things I would never do or say in real life. A lot of times my dreams have to do with relationships and life changing decisions I could make.

Especially now, coming up on a year of employment, I feel like I have so many options. It's hard to know what to do. Should I apply to graduate school and study theology, working toward the MDiv so that one day I can work in a faith based capacity toward social change? Should I apply for a better paying job with benefits and wait longer to see if God will somehow lead me in a different direction?

I want to be more in the habit of asking God what God would want me to do, and how I can best help people. I know that is my calling, to help and serve others. Sometimes I forget this and get whiny. I want to do that less. How do we keep from burning out, how do we stay focused and keep our faith alive with all of the depth of love and peace that I know God offers each of us? These are just some random thoughts, some rhetorical questions. It's hard though to let go of the sensation, the inkling, the intuition or feeling that I am very much in the beginning of a life called to service, to be an instrument of God's compassion and mercy.

if I ventured in the slipstream

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 04:37:00 +0000

The other day I got really high and listened to Van Morrison's Astral Weeks. It was the first time I'd listened to the whole album since last fall. It made me remember the grace I felt like I was experiencing back then. I'd ride around the inlet on my bike, stopping to take pictures of the water, the changing leaves, the animals.

It felt like everything around me was a testimony of God's love. I would go hiking with Evan. He would walk way ahead of me and I would have to stop and take pictures of the way the light danced through the trees and made curving shadows. It was like I was fascinated with literal light. I look back at some of the pictures I took last fall and indeed they record hundreds of variations of the two.

Somehow I have lost this awe, this wonderment, that state I was in-- one of bewilderment even, of infatuation stumbling toward anything and everything I even had the slightest idea might be by or of or for God.

I go to church now pretty faithfully. I love the people there. I usually look forward to going, where before I would often dread it. I sit in the same place every week and know how everything is supposed to go. I know the drill, I guess you could say. I feel comfortable there. But I also feel loved.

Sometimes I even think vaguely about God while I am there.

But I miss that deep sense of breathlessness that I got riding around Priest Point Park, taking big deep gulps of life and knowing they were from God.

life

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 02:36:00 +0000

Things have been very busy. My sister is visiting from Virginia and I had a couple of days off last week to have fun with her. We went to Mt Rainier over the weekend and managed to escape the recent blistering heat (that has thankfully subsided into the usual oddly wonderful rain). It was great to explore all of the park and go up to the Sunrise area, as I had never been there before. We briefly contemplated jumping off cliffs into the Ohanapechosh river, but hadn't brought a change of clothes and ultimately decided to forgo that adventure this time around. It was still very nice and good to spend time with her.

On Sunday I went and got the dog, Honey, from one of the several houses I am watching right now, and piled into my brother's 86 Honda with my sister, brother and of course, Honey. We headed up to Lower Lena. It was fun to have Honey with us and wonderful to be able to hike with her off leash. As we hiked we heard nearby rare thunderstorms in the distance, which I really appreciated. I still miss thunderstorms considerably. Later in the evening Liz and I went to the compline service at the episcopal church here in town. I don't think I will ever get over how calming, peaceful and angelic that service is. I always feel strengthened afterwards, and I love to have that chance each week to admit my shortcomings before God while still feeling so much of what I can only describe as divine love. It's transformational to be able to hear the message of God's grace sung out like that, every week. I am very thankful for it.

Monday it was back to work, and I really threw myself into things trying to get a large mailing done, having to secure a venue at the last minute for a recognition event when the original venue fell through. I was actually saved by the Methodist church. When I called to see if we could book the space, I was surprised to learn that their secretary knew me as "mosaic Maria" from our small group/ emergent gathering we had been having weekly until June when everyone decided to take a break and spend some time re-imagining our purpose and focus. Anyway, today when I was able to confirm that space for the event I was so very much thankful and happy and felt really blessed for those friendships.

Today was more work, looking over a grant narrative, interviewing 2 volunteers, driving to Hoodsport (what a beautiful trip) and then back to Shelton for a staff meeting. My director sent me an email confirming my full time status for the time being. What she doesn't know is that I was offered and turned down a 3/4 time position as a caseworker in Olympia. The pay was a little better, but it was 3/4 times-- though they had a decent benefits package. When my hours were cut in June, I thought about leaving, but really wanted to stay. On a whim I only applied to one place in July-- to a local social services agency. Right after I applied our other coordinator unexpectedly quit and my hours were put back to full time. Two weeks later I was called in for an interview and offered the position at the beginning of August. Time goes by so fast.

Here are my desires right now: To work at my current job as close to full time as possible, for as long as possible. I simply love my job. I never wanted to leave, even when my hours were cut, but I really need to make a certain amount of money. In the end though, I am glad I stayed. I really respect and admire my director and I know she is looking for more grant money to try and extend my hours in this county. I am trying to have faith, because what I really want right now is to stay at my current job.

If I go back down to less than 30-35 hours, I am not sure what I will do. My second choice is to study theology. My third choice is to work for a social services agency. Anyway enough about work for now.

Tomorrow is the Radiohead concert with Liz. I can't believe its tomorrow! I havent really let it sink in yet, but I am so excited!!! Thursday is Denise's funeral. Friday is an ESL training, along with Saturday (and before the training I will take Liz back to Seatac).

One week from tomorrow I will be 27. Time goes by so fast.

very scary experience

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 23:04:00 +0000

I just had a very scary encounter with a stranger in the Albertson's parking lot near my house. I pulled into a parking spot, got out of my car, and heard a voice come from a nearby silverish/white colored pick up truck, "Way to go, bitch!" Now. Most of you know I am not the kind of person to get into a conversation with someone like this. I generally just ignore situations I think are dangerous, but in this case I was genuinely perplexed about what this guy's problem was, plus I couldn't believe he was talking to me, so I stopped in my tracks, looked at him in the window and said "excuse me?" And he said, "nice job pulling into the parking spot". I was confused, looked at my car, saw it was parked between the lines and said, "my car is in the lines, I don't understand what the problem is". He said, "my problem is stupid bitches like you that drive too fast". I should have walked away at this point, but I something instinctive inside of myself wanted to stand up for myself and I unthinkingly about the danger said, "well, I wish you had better things to do." He said, "okay ugly bitch" at which point (this is so stupid looking back) I gave him the finger and then walked into the store. I should not have done this, I just felt so accosted by him, I wanted to hurt him back. In retrospect I shouldn't have done it because it pissed him off and made the situation more dangerous.

Instead of shopping, I only picked up one item, because I was starting to get a really bad feeling and wanted to get out of there before he damaged my car. I was also nervous about whether or not he had followed me into the store. As I walked out of the door to the store, I turned around and saw he was about 100 feet behind me. I got about 20 feet into the parking lot, trying not to freak out, turned around and he was about 40 feet behind me at which point I said "you better not fuck with me". This clearly pissed him off more and he started jogging at me like he was going to attack. At this point I screamed for help. A guy walking into the store stopped along with a female Albertson's employee and turned to look. This made the scary guy stop in his tracks. I told the clerk I felt threatened and asked if she would walk me back to my car. The guy kept glaring at me the whole time. Maybe I should've called the cops, but what would I have said? It was really scary. It shook me up. This is the first time I have ever had a confrontation like this and I have to admit I locked my door when I got home. I hope I never ever see this person again.

feeling good

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 06:17:00 +0000

I had a very good day today. It was cooler outside, which was nice. I accomplished much at work, and at the end of the day, was supposed to match a student with a tutor. Surprisingly, the tutor didn't show up. This almost never happens. So I decided to tutor the student myself.

It was so fulfilling just hanging out and talking to the student, and helping her myself. I hardly ever get to do that, because my job is mainly made up of administrative and managing type tasks. It made me feel so good. I've been taking a break from volunteering and working with the student helped me remember how great it makes me feel.

Later on, after a delicious wonderful dinner my brother made, I decided to go for a long walk to a park just a few miles away. It felt so good.

CHURCHINESS

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 01:20:00 +0000

Funny thing happened at church last Sunday. I was up in the balcony, singing the last song before communion. As the song ended and everyone started to get ready to take communion, I noticed the volunteer servers attempting to serve the folks that are responsible for running all the sound equipment first. Nothing seemed wrong with this. I've been on the balcony for communion before and serving them first certainly didn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary.

Yet suddenly and dramatically just as the servers were offering the bread and wine, this older crotchety fellow started raising his voice at the servers, saying "no! no!" The servers didn't hear them above the organ music. "NO!" he yelled, even louder continuing, "WE START OVER HERE!!" he said really meanly as the shocked communion servers looked visibly startled. He pointed at me and said "YOU! NOW!" I was equally shocked, but stood up-- I was sitting in the very last row and it was clear the show wasn't going to go on (and indeed at this point it felt like a "show") until the servers complied and stopped their attempt to feed the sound people first. So, I walked down to the very hurt and frightened looking servers and as they served me communion I tried to tell them it was ok, they were doing great and not to listen to that guy. The whole incident was really...well....CHURCHY.

trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble been doggin' my soul, since the day i was born

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:00:00 +0000

I'm feeling better. Boys, though, in general, are trouble.

Narcolepsy, nunery, none of the above?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 05:45:00 +0000

It's rainy and I am in a gloomy mood. I just had an epiphany about how truly fucked up I am when it comes to romantic relationships. It is a pit of despair. How can we ever find who we are looking for, if we don't really know what we want? I don't know what I want, really. I have fantasies of singleness but I hate being alone. I have fantasies of concentrating solely on graduate work and trying to forge some kind of salvageable career out of my life, but then, once in a great while, I think to myself about how I am getting older, how I will be 27 next month. I wonder if I will ever have children. I guess if I ever wanted children and it was too late for me, I could adopt.

The point is, when I connect with a boy somehow, or feel attraction strongly for someone, or am tempted to try to make a relationship work, or whatever the freaking case may in fact be, it seems like all my attention is suddenly focused on this other and what they want, usually anyway. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I don't know what I want.

I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to pursue cheap meaningless relationships that will only end in pain. At the same time, I am pretty independent, and actually pretty selfish sometimes, so maybe its wrong to try and be in a relationship anyway.

All this has me seriously contemplating some form of deliberate non-dating for some unknown amount of time. I just don't know. I feel really vulnerable right now and really weak when it comes to this kind of thing, like I would just go right along with anyone, even for a fling, if they were persistant enough about it. BLAH. I feel so lonely! Sure I can pray I guess. I guess that's what I should do.

Or I can enjoy a little bit of wine and fall into a deep, deep, sleep and maybe it will be sunny again tomorrow, and I will be too busy with work to think about the mistakes I've made.

sail to the moon

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 06:06:00 +0000

I really want to make a major life change on August 1st. Oh yeah, I said "LIFE CHANGE"!!!!!!! That's right, I am letting Jesus "take the wheel" on August 1st!!!!!!!! ;) Well, Jesus is already driving some of the time, I've just decided to take a lengthy vacation from the wheel and see where I end up. (I hope all of you dear readers can hear my light hearted smirking)

Seriously though I plan on stopping smoking, continuing to abstain (for now anyway) from other smokey substances, to start exercizing with the end result of losing lots of weight (not because I am fat, but because I want to reclaim my body as it was before I quit smoking this time last year, or better yet, reclaim what it was when I was 18!). Maybe I will also find a cure for cancer, write the great american novel and learn to juggle firey torches.

Basically I just want to get in the BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE. I want to reclaim that feeling of being in my prime. I also plan on studying for the Miller's Analogy Test for reasons to be thought more about and then announced here in the future via stream of consciousness blog posts !

In other news, I have finally found great Radiohead tickets. I am supposed to meet the guy Friday night in West Seattle. I am so excited already, but I will wait until I actually have them in my hand before really freaking out in complete joy!!!

Right now I have to admit I am still enjoying smoking. Just a few more days to go, might as well love it until I force myself to stop.

I am so thankful to God for being able to work full time again and for the blessing of being able to live in this beautiful green paradise. I never want to leave the northwest.

good news regarding work

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:24:00 +0000

Yesterday my director informed me that another coordinator, one of my colleagues, has given notice and will be taking another job. She then offered me the other coordinator's hours! This is wonderful news! I have no idea how long it will be before they hire another person, but from what I have seen it usually takes about 3 months. There is also a good chance I will be able to permenantly keep some of these hours!

I was so excited when I heard about this, and I must admit, suprised. We just hired this coordinator a few months ago -- I can't believe she is already leaving. I thought it was unprofessional to leave a job before a year was up, but I guess someone made her a much better offer. It's sad though too because she is so nice to work with.

So as it has turned out, I have had a very nice relaxing time off work, which I really did need (a break that is), and have been able to really rest since I have not been working as many hours. Next week I will either be back to five days a week or at least 4, depending on how I schedule my time.

I never in a million years could have forseen this outcome. This whole experience has taught me to have more faith. I knew that was the answer, and I think I was doing pretty good until around last week, when I really started to freak out! So I guess I have learned that I can have faith without blinking for about a month before I start to flip out. :P Not too shabby!

Even though I understand that God wasn't testing me and that this is all about a competitive funding environment and a tough economy, I still have to thank God for these extra hours. It always works out somehow. Thank God!

more thoughts on the compline service

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:52:00 +0000

I am trying to figure out what exactly it is about the Compline service that moves me so much. I hadn't gone in a few weeks, and went last night.

The singing is just so beautiful. It's hard to explain what it sounds like-- angels, I guess, is the best I can do, lame and vague as that sounds.

I sat close to the front looking at the light blue painted walls and stained glass and could hear their voices echoing through the large and open space, watched the glowing candles flickering in the low light.

The music is so beautiful it hurts sometimes, but in a good way. It sounds so pure and filled with love. Listening to it is like being bathed in mercy.

Not every time, but once in awhile, when I sit there listening and praying, I feel all the pain and grief and anger of my life ooze up out of my body and mind from some buried place. Then I feel like God's love is all around me, and that the music-- and the message of the music-- is a kind of healing, like God's healing is all around me and inside of me.

Then it is over almost as quickly as it began and I stumble back out into the world, get into my car, compose myself and crank whatever radio station-- right after I leave there is always this moment where I feel like I need to get reacclimated again to the "real world", whatever that is, and whatever that means.

long post: faith, thoughts about Denise

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 18:09:00 +0000

Yesterday I started to write a post complaining about a slew of negative seeming things that have been happening in my life. I deleted the post and didn't end up writing my "rant" as I had intended. There is so much in my life to be thankful for that I just decided I didn't need to spend that much time complaining.

Even when I am aggravated or in grief I believe there is a reason and purpose to things, even if we cannot see or understand or know what that purpose is, and even if there is so much that seems purposeless or even absurd.

I want to strive to be loving and thankful and a vessel of peace even when things aren't going good. I don't want to have a kind of fair weather faith.

But I still get into these quiet spell type funks. Lately I don't really want to go to church, even though I am mostly always glad when I do go. I've missed the last two weeks of compline. I think though when I go again I will appreciate it more after having taken a couple weeks off.

About Denise:

I think about her when I brush my teeth. Maybe that's odd sounding. Part of the job was brushing her teeth and she had this electric vibrating toothbrush. Having never used one before, at first i was terrified of somehow hurting her with it. She was so patient and kind and reassuring to me though.

Sometimes, in the very beginning, the toothbrush would be on too high of a level and I would get toothpaste on her face. She always joked about this and I worked hard until I got it right. I would joke that there were two speeds to the toothbrush the "crazy" setting and then the "really crazy" setting. We laughed about this a lot.

because she was paralyzed, she had to be moved to and from bed using this tall metal contraption called a hoyer. I had no experience with it either and it scarred me because I was afraid she might feel pain if I lifted her in the wrong way. I always tried to be gentle. Some of her other caregivers she said wouldn't pay attention and would end up bumping her with it. I promised her I would never bump her and was always so careful-- I never did bump her and I am proud of that.

She was always trying to feed me and give me candy. She liked these sweet and sour lemon Sees Chocolate candies. I liked them too.

She was so kind and sweet and always glowing with love. She always asked me about what was happening in my love life and I always gave it to her straight-- she was so cool, she didn't judge me, she always encouraged me.

She encouraged me about the ministry. When I told her I didn't think I could write sermons she joked that Methodists have a bunch of sermons online and I could just get something off the internet, through in a few personal touches and be good to go! She seemed to believe there was some kind of sermon database the methodists kept online and that pastors often recycled their messages working off stuff they found on the internet. She also told me she thought the church would support me if I decided to go to seminary, as they had with Don. She said everyone she talked to from the church knew about me and loved me. When she said this I actually teared up a little bit. She always made me smile.

She loved her family and her daughters always called every night after she got done eating.

I remember the first time I had to do other care, I didn't know if I would be able to handle it, but I did it fine. I feel like I cared for her in a way that maintained dignity, while at the same time I was able to joke around with her. She was always making jokes about how she wasn't going anywhere. She loved peanut butter and jelly english muffins.

the first time i made her one i put peanut butter on one and jelly on the other and when i went to feed her i asked which one she wanted first- the peanut butter or the jelly. She started laughing so hard, I didn't know why, but she had never heard of separating out the two to each consecutive muffin half and thought it was hilarious. After that I always put both peanut butter AND jelly on each muffin and truth be told, it does taste better that way.

I had this plan of learning how to drive the special van. I thought eventually I could convince her to come with me to church, and that would solve the problem of us missing services-- I thought we could go together. She said she hadn't been to church in years. She didn't talk about God much, but you could just tell God was in her life. I don't really know how to explain it. She glowed and radiated with kindness and care for others.

It all happened so fast. In the middle of May I was asked if I would help do some caregiving for her, and I committed to 3 months. I thought God wanted me to do it. I really, really, really felt so deeply that God wanted me to do it that I was ok giving up church for 3 months to do it. I had no idea that she would pass away so soon, so suddenly seeming to me. I mean I knew she was advanced in her MS, but everything happened so fast. She was supposed to go to Las vegas to see her granddaughter born on the 4th of July.

In the end, she hung on. She was so strong, she clung to life with a kind of dignity I pray that if I was ever in that situation, I would be able to match. She was so strong willed and stubborn and courageous and brave and kind and filled with kindness and love toward others, looking beyond herself even as she came to the end of her life.

I don't know why God wanted me to help her. I'm not mad at God, I'm just sad. I also don't know how to process death. Where is Denise? Where do people go when they die? I don't really believe in some fairy boat heaven where Jesus has tea with you on a cloud, but is there some kind of after life? Where does the person go, the personality, the spirit, the soul, the energy of a person, where does that go? Does it just stop? Where is Denise?

I hope somehow I was able to be comforting to the family, and to be comforting to her other caregiver. i tried hard to check in with people and listened when people wanted to talk.

Maybe those were all reasons why I was supposed to help. One of the last times I saw Denise, I was sitting with her daughter. Denise was asleep. Sunlight filtered through the room. I really felt God's presence, or at least what I perceive to be God's presence. Just then her daughter turned to me and started talking about how hard it is to understand the will of God, what God is doing and why God does it. I strongly felt like I should just be quiet and listen to her. So I did that. I nodded and listened and didn't offer any platitudes or anything. And when she was done talking, she thanked me for listening and gave me a hug. If the only reason I was supposed to help Denise was to be there for her daughter in that one moment, then I am glad I was there.

It is hard to know what God is doing and why God does what God does. It seems like a paradox to be immersed in that kind of complexity- to simultaneously experience God's love and while also continuing to experience underlying uncertainty at the same time. I'm thankful for life. I want to be the kind of person that can praise God even in times of questioning and grief.

hot hot hot

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 22:45:00 +0000

It's really hot out. I'm sitting inside in the cooler part of the house, eating my roommates jelly beans and feeling like a lazy lump.

I think I am going to Lena Lake right now. Maybe I will even swim after the hike. I bet if I floor it, I can make it to the lake by 7pm and still have time to hike down before dark.

Clyde the cat apparently doesn't like the idea. He just jumped up on my lap and is climbing up my shoulder purring into my hair. Sometimes I wish I could slap a leash on him and take him for walks like a dog.

Ah well. Off to the Olympics. I've got to start making the best of these nonstop 4 day weekends.

my life options: from "evangelizing the youth" (whatever the hell that means) to the msw to moving and more!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 03:46:00 +0000

So beloved folks, my faithful readers of all this non-thought to non-sense, as I am sure you are aware since you read my blog, my hours at my non-profit were cut July 1st from 40 to 25. I thought it may be helpful for me to consider my options in light of this recent development. So here are some options I have been brainstorming-- I am listing them here to help myself sort things out, and also of course for your reading enjoyment!

1. Keep the job, enjoy endless 4 day weekends (as I am only working Weds, Thurs and Friday). In my free time, before the rain returns, use my non stop 4 day weekends to hike, take pictures, volunteer, and think (the last of course being the most dangerous, second only to prayer, which i won't even mention, being that is the kind of mood i am in!) When the rain returns 1. look for another job or ?????????????????????

2. Aggressively seek other employment locally looking at positions I am well-qualified for... I have been looking at all kinds of jobs here and on the peninsula that I believe I could likely land an interview for: education jobs, jobs in volunteer recruitment, some non MSW case manager jobs (very competitive), other literacy organizations etc.

3. Aggressively seek other employment anywhere in the US, specially looking at positions in my field. I have a higher chance of being hired this way because my degree would be more competitive. At the same time I love where I live currently and don't want to leave if I can help it.

4. Try to get an entry level job in another field arguing my reasons in creative cover letters that will likely be thrown away. It was this train of thought that led me toward looking into various ministry positions that don't require the Divinity/Theology degree but just want you to provide a damn good reason why you want the job. One of these jobs I was looking at listed a main job duty of "evangelizing the youth community". I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound too good to me. I also don't know what they mean when they say "a proven track record demonstrating increasing faith in Jesus Christ". Hmmm :)

5. Graduate school. Oh, but what oh what should I study? Social work, human resources, theology, comparative religion, interdisciplinary humanities, non profit management, public administration or English literature? Shit maybe I should go back to school and take classes to become an auto mechanic, because at least if i got THAT credential I could rest peacefully knowing I'd be able to get a good job.

6. Get another job to supplement my lost income while keeping my current job.

My cats walk through the house meowing, meowing, sounding as lost as I feel right now.

Maybe I should move to Iowa and live close to my adopted parents while becoming a farm hand. I bet my cats could live in a random barn. I don't know what to do! I think I could at least get interviews for better positions than my current one, but even the closest opening are 45- hour away. Should I apply anyway? Should I go back to Michigan? Should I move to Alaska? Should I apply to "evangelize the youth"? Maybe I should start keeping a daily diary documenting my ever growing "relationship with Christ" just in case I ever need to fax it in as a supplement to my resume and cover letter :P

Sept 2007- present Larger in Christ (than before),
2002-2007 Sabbatical in Christ (distance education certification)

ETC

:)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 19:00:00 +0000

life: the plan is to marvel

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 04:16:00 +0000

EDIT: LOL so much for this plan :P (see 7/9 post)

My mom is here visiting which is wonderful. Today we went up to Seattle and did a bunch of fun touristy things that I have avoided doing for many years including the Space Needle. We saw the fish throwers at the Market, and went to the Experience Music Project museum (and got into the science fiction museum as a bonus!). Then we had a nice late lunch and sampled different beers, including Red Hook, which was both of our favorites and something I'd never tried before.

As far as religion/spirituality goes, I've sort of been wildly vacillating again between extraordinary leaps of faith and then quiet but deep burst of funk. With my hours cut at work I have been thinking more about graduate school for fall 2009. I am not sure if that is the best idea, or if moving for a better job would be more reasonable. I am not sure if I am called into the ministry, at least the ordained ministry, or social work, or human resources, or teaching or anything.

I feel called to stop smoking, start hiking again, stop smoking so much damn weed and to stop self-treating (albeit in small doses) the pain I feel over Denise, over my job, over my relationship with Evan and over poor choices I made with best intentions. Lately I've had this epiphany that I am doing ok but I need to do better, to take better care of myself, to be good to myself and find healthy ways to cope with stress, to take time to be alone, and then maybe it will become more clear what God wants me to do. Not because there's this legalistic list of things or because God won't call me when I am smoking or whatever, but just because that's what I think I am suppose to do-- basically love myself enough not to engage in potentially destructive behaviors, a variety of which, I have come to love sampling.

At the same time, I have an easier time trusting God, trusting that things will work out, trusting that even though I don't understand God has a plan, trusting basically. I know God is smarter and much funnier than me and that makes things easier, and sometimes even merciful seeming.

I am looking forward to quitting smoking soon after my mom leaves, and looking forward to taking the extra time I am not working to take hikes and photographs and to be in a state of marvel over creation.

things i thought were beautiful

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 06:07:00 +0000

-the kid on Thomas street bouncing up and down in the sunshine on a pogo stick last Friday evening in the middle of a yard full of flowers

-cleaning out my apartment with my ex and feeling a certain kind of peace/closure and joy to be able to do that together. I don' t know what we are doing, but I do know that cleaning together gave me a peace I hadn't felt in a long time.

-the middle aged guy in the fancy lexus jamming out

-hanging out with old friends, drinking, getting high around a camp fire, so much laughter

-the way my cats crept out from under the covers today where they have been hiding since the move, just the way they peered at me with curiosity, beauty and innocence.

-bright orange, deep purple, wonderful flowers. i don't know what they are-- daisies, marigolds, who knows or cares. They were stunning and full of life.

-sundresses and bonnets and laughing children

-blowing bubbles from the balcony of a local church.

The Undertoad

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 05:22:00 +0000

In one of my favorite novels, The World According to Garp, John Irving's main character has a son that mishears the word "undertow" as "under toad." The child imagines that there is a giant Toad living under the ocean and that he occasionally creeps up and grabs people. For the rest of Garp's life, whenever he or his wife have a bad feeling, whenever they sense danger, they darkly joke about feeling like the Under Toad is around.

All this week I had bad things happen to me and to people around me.

We lost half of a grant that funds a good chuck of my hours, and I learned I would go from 40 hours to 25 hours a week July 1. Just like that.

My friend Holly hurt her knee while playing with her brother who was visiting for her graduation. She shattered it in three places and need major surgery. So, in 4 days time, with her mom's help, she packed up everything she owned and moved back to Indiana. Her goodbye party was Friday. I will miss her so much.

On Saturday the woman I do care giving for had to be admitted to the hospital. Tonight she was moved into ICU and the outlook is very grim. I can't go see her because its family only now at this point, though I am getting updates. It's just so sudden. It's so weird. On Saturday before the ambulance came she was asking me about my boy troubles. She asked me how my cats were adjusting to the new place.

I even could have saw her this morning but I didn't. I stayed home from work because I was sick and more than that, on Sunday, at the same moment I was sitting in Christian Education class asking why God didn't save more people, my brother was 8500 feet in the Cascades on Mt Stuart when suddenly he stepped into bad ice, couldn't dig in with his ice pick and fell head over feet 800 feet. Before I say anything else I will say he is OK!!!!

His team said it took less than 15 seconds for him to fall, but Sam said it felt like an eternity. At first, before he lost his pick, he was trying to dig in to stop, then he said he was tried to slow himself down from sliding with his crampons as he was picking up velocity going down the hill. Then he hit something and started to flip going head over feet. At that point Sam said knew he was dead and said his only thought was for it to be over quick. All he saw was sky, snow, sky, snow. He slammed into a group of rocks, slid some more and stopped 4 feet from a cliff with a 1500 foot drop.

Anyway, when I woke up with allergies I decided to stay home and tend to Sam. He sprained both wrists, both ankles and badly bruised his hip. He also has cuts from where he hit the ice. His climbing helmet is completely smashed. But he is ok, thank God.

My mom freaked and she is coming to visit next Monday thru Saturday even though Sam is fine. Part of it I think is that Sam refused to go to the ER after this because he doesn't have insurance and I think mom needs to see for herself that he is ok. Hell, I needed to see for myself that he is ok, and I live with him!

it will be good to see my mom.

anyway, as Garp would say, the Under Toad has been around, but God is still merciful, maybe in the way only God can be. I am so glad my brother is ok.

completely exhausted: part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 23:32:00 +0000

Packed everything, loaded it into the car. Sam came over and we loaded more stuff. He borrowed Lindsey's truck and we moved the couch, bed, box spring, bookshelf and dresser. Then we came back for the cats. They were and are so terrified. Bonnie crawled into my arms and stuffed her head under my arm, trying to get out of the light. Clyde immediately went and hid behind the bed. I've never seem them so afraid, maybe when they go to the vet, but this time they are even more frightened.

I had to leave them and go help out with the table briefly at Super Saturday, then pack all that crap up into my coworkers car. Now I am back at the apartment-- there is still more stuff to move and I still have to clean, but that might have to wait til Tuesday. I have to run over to the house I am house sitting since I left all my personal stuff there yesterday (hairbrush etc). Then its back to comfort the cats for an hour, then onto Denise's, then onto a graduation party.

I am so tired. I have to keep moving! I feel like if I laid down to sleep I wouldn't get up for days.

insomnia

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 07:42:00 +0000

I can't sleep. Maybe there are too many things to think about. I am house sitting again, and just got done watching some weird "christian" religious movie about 4 men investigating UFOs. A couple of the characters become christians and then suddenly discover UFOs are really Satan's way of preventing people from knowing the truth about the rapture, since when that happens (premillennially) people will blame it on UFOs. There is one very strong disbeliever who adamantly refuses this analysis, so his coworkers decide to fake the rapture. In a panic, he starts calling local churches, suddenly convinced the rapture is real and he has missed the boat. Then, as he is getting worked up, his coworkers start laughing and tell him that they just played a prank on him. The movie ends with the hyperreligious coworker meanly suggesting that if the man didn't really believe in God, then he had nothing to fear... right?

It was one screwed up movie. I don't even know why I watched it. As these people were trying to get everyone to "accept Jesus", it was so insidious. I kept realizing that they weren't really talking about.." accepting Christ"-- whatever that means-- anyway, they were talking about accepting a whole ideology-- one that said UFOS 1. existed, 2. were demonic 3. were in existence to prevent people from "knowing Christ" (whatever that means. They also were very conservative characters, and it seemed that "accepting Jesus" would also include accepting this political stance as well. W-e-i-r-d.

I've packed almost everything now back at my apartment. The big move is Saturday. Also, I have to do a shift for Super Saturday and then take care of Denise. The next day, Sunday, I unexpectedly have to take care of Denise again because the other girl flaked out. Then my friend Holly asked if she could come to church with me since her grandfather is in town. I was so honored she thought of me. So I will do that, then go back to Denise, then go back to the apartment to clean more, and then go back to Denise again. The next day will be Monday, back to work, also softball. Tuesday, more work. Wednesday more work. I don't really see an end in sight.

This weekend is father's day. One volunteer I scheduled an interview today wanted to know how I was going to honor my father-- if he was still alive. I didn't say anything. That is generally my policy when people ask me about my father. Sometimes, once in awhile, I will refer to my father in the past tense. This has led people to think my father is dead, which he might as well be, which would be more merciful, at least in the way I could conceptualize and think about, and process my grief. Father's day always sucks, some years it has been as bad as Christmas, but honestly this year I am too busy to think about it, I am too exhausted with other things. Thank God.