Waffle

Dear Sister...

2012-11-21T11:58:00.000-08:00

I was looking through some entries I stumbled on from a folder I had saved on my laptop quite obviously named "ED/EDU" and thought I would take a brief peak at them. They were all in random order so I thought I would go to the one dated the earliest, the one being what I am going to share in this post. It was prior to my first admission in to hospital back in November 2011, and just before my sister's birthday. I was off to London to spend her 25th birthday with her - thankfully I was not being admitted until the Tuesday after so I could at least make the most of my time of freedom with my sister and to try and celebrate her birthday with her. Of course, it was bringing up a lot of anxiety, fear and doubt about how I was going to be that weekend, knowing how difficult coming out of routine can be, and also how I may affect the weekend. I wanted to be there for my sister, to not let anything get in the way of what simply was HER weekend. I didn't know what to do with my thoughts and so I wrote them in a letter... I know it is addressed to my sister but I am not actually sure (and part of me hopes) that I didn't actually send it. Nevertheless what I wrote still holds resenonance and of course spoke the truth. I thought I would share how I was feeling a few days before going in to the unit and what it can feel like when you feel you are disppointing those you love around you.

Prior to trip to London; October 2011:

Hi Steph,

I just want to say how sorry I feel that I won’t be fully fit for your birthday weekend next week - it makes me upset that I can’t give you what you deserve and give back the fun that you have given me over the years for my birthday. I fear I’m going to taint it for you whether we try hard or not to let it…

I know you find it difficult to know what to say, as do most people, because there’s not a lot that can be said to make things change. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t helping, because just knowing you are there is enough.

I find it very difficult to say what I want and how Id like to explain things to you without crying and without getting frustrated that I cannot get what I want out properly. I really can’t understand much of this myself and to try to explain sometimes is like guessing at these things my self. But what I do know is that it doesn’t feel like it is a case of 'eat more get better' and Ive really felt the emotional side of things kick in and ,in turn, that anxiety is stopping me from eating. There’s a lot of issues involved that I know have always been there but that have never really come to the front of my thoughts...

I’m not coping very well at being alone; a lot is to do with feeling like I’ve failed to be independent and what people have wanted from me. I feel like I’ve really sucked at trying to be someone and that I can’t live a normal life like others. I am upset that I am on the brink of losing a job, that I have been so lucky and blessed to have been given, and that I won’t afford to pay rent at Latteridge which again I have been blessed with. It’s like what I get given I throw away. I know feeling a failure is a thought that disconnects me with God and what our faith should tell us but that’s what’s so conflicting. I am trying to find solace in Him, and I won’t lose that faith, it’s just these thoughts of not feeling worthy and deserving anything (most of the reason for not eating) is so much stronger and I can’t seem to connect these thoughts with what Gods response might be.

But I think this eating thing is a response to feeling lonely. I don’t feel it’s necessary to eat what I do, or to enjoy eating, or enjoy much else, on my own. I was saying to mum that I am constantly restless. That when someone is with you everything, however average or mundane, is so much better, easier, relaxing, enjoyable. Just sitting and watching telly for instance! Alone, I feel I ought to be doing something else. I can’t justify what I think I’d like to do.

But anyway,

I don’t know what else I wanted to try and say to you. Just that I can’t explain properly why I can’t just eat more – all rationality no longer exists. I know it’ll make me feel better (after a while) and it will help me to function. I want you to know I’m not doing this on purpose or I wanted to get this far for a reason or a plea for help... I just want you to know that I myself don’t really get it! I can’t understand it myself – I have never experienced this low and it’s scary, and I don’t know what to do, the only thing I know is that trying to do it on my own is not working.

I find it hard to talk to you regularly because I feel we are so apart, so different. It’s creating a void. And I want to protect you. And I feel ashamed – almost like something else in the family of ours to deal with. I don’t want to be another mum scenario – I am scared that it’s distancing us. And I find it hard because by not speaking to you I am protecting you from being hit with the low vibes I am sending down the phone. I only want to give you happiness and because I feel I can’t do that I don’t want to talk. I want to be able to give, and not let me get in the way. I want to protect you and preserve your positivity, and not let me taint your day or week. Maybe that’s a bit big-headed to think that I am important enough to think that I would have that much affect on you...

But I do really want to say I am sorry about next week in advance. I wish I could recover in time to be able to say I’ll be fit for doing everything. I’m worried you’re going to have to make sacrifices or compromises that you shouldn’t have to do – it’s your weekend/birthday! So in advance, please pleasecarry on with the things you already had planned i.e. night out Friday night.

I don’t know what I’d do without you here. I thank God that you are, and that he blessed me with a sister like you. I pray he keeps you safe, and he continues to work in you shining that light that you carry around and can be seen by everyone. You are a real blessing, and you are loved by all. I know you have your own troubles and I wish I could help you more. But I pray to God that he keeps people in your life to support you, and that you are never alone.

WEEK ONE: Thursday 3rd November 2011

2012-11-13T09:43:00.002-08:00

Ok, so, this is my first encounter with creative writing of any kind since school-years so be kind. Its not amazing, I really didn't know what to expect from myself or from the rest of the group. I hadn't been creative with words since, well, since I was probably very small and had very little or no inhibitions or care as to what I wrote. But obviously school can make or break you, and for me it did the latter. With all the rules behind writing your perfect piece of prose or what was deemed "creative" was full of particlar formats that had to fit a "criteria". There was no space for just being yourself, unless you were uncannily great with words and naturally had that 'flair' from the start to which you were praised. I was not one of these students, as you will see from the first go at it below. Be patient, they do get a tad better as time goes on...

Week One: Thursday 3^rdNovember 2011

FIREWORKS

My favourite type of firework is the silent one that grabs you unaware – everything is still, peaceful, waiting in anticipation for the next firework to light, to then be shocked by the big bang and dazzling display of colours; starting small, and then expanding, sparkling in the sky like fairy dust.

A firework to express ‘me’:-

Name: Mixation

Packaging and shape:

· Minimal packaging made of eco-friendly materials.

· Simple design but with hints of bold colour (retro?)

· Small window panes on the box revealing a little of what’s inside.

· Curve-shaped.

· Recyclable

· Comes with a pack of disposable high exposure cameras.

What does your firework do?

It sets off small rockets spontaneously, all slightly different from one another. There are four in total. One is the discreet, silent type that aims for big impact and shock-factor, producing a multitude of colours. One is loud as It rises in to the sky, fast-paced; an explosion of blue. The other streaks vertically into the night sky, setting of jets of coloured smoke In its wake, oranges, burnt pinks and gold, jetting off in all directions as it whizzes in to the atmosphere, and finishes with a simple ‘bang’ and crackle. The last one is all glitz and glamour, like a Catherine wheel that spins around in the sky emitting pops and fizzes as it sparkles ablaze in the blackness of the night. The smell of lit fireworks permeate the night air, an all too familiar smell that intermingles with the smoke coming from the bonfire. Warmth, serenity, celebration, thankfulness are all things that come to mind when I think of fireworks – and this is what my fireworks would emit in to the atmosphere – sending out hope for those that take part in the spectacular scene. These fireworks are friendly for the environment, sending out nothing but a quick explosion of noise and harmless vapour.

A brief extra note

2012-11-10T08:55:00.003-08:00

I do not write this, and write to others in letters and pictures to force anyone in to living and telling them what they ought to do. Because who am I but a hypocrite? For not even I think that it is worth me fighting for. In part right now I have given up and accepted my potential fate and in some ways that’s such a relief – its freedom, and its acceptance. It also means I can make the most of what is now and tomorrow, perhaps, whilst I have the chance. My reason behind encouraging others is for people to see the world as it is now, and your place in it. Just because now I think I am not worth fighting for doesn’t mean I think others aren’t and I still feel I can try and influence people’s lives here now in the present; to make the ride more comfortable, to give hopefully some security and safety – a kind of reassurance that who you are now and what you are doing is OK! Don’t worry about the future for the future is not here yet and It can worry about itself. When you realise that your days might be limited you can actually in some weird way lose some inhibitions and just go for it. I know that is easier said than done, because, believe me, not every day can I jump out of bed and be a beam of positivity and go out forth to make a difference to the world. Some days it might just mean I pick up a pair of knitting needles and knit another flag for the bunting that I am making as a present, or finish that hat that I would like to get done to give to charity…or maybe its scrawling down a few outlines to an idea of a drawing I would like to complete for a friend. They aren’t special powers and they aren’t instantly making a difference, but I am learning now that against all that is telling me not to go on, or to stay in bed, or shouting me down so I feel as small as a crumb, I am still getting up and facing the world once more for the benefit of helping someone.

It could even be picking up the phone and giving someone you care about a text or a message or phone-call. It could be helping someone to reach the top shelf at a supermarket. They are all little but significant things within an ordinary and sometimes very gloomy day to make that other person’s day easier and to reassure them they are not alone. Don’t think about tomorrow, and there is little point dwelling on yesterday for yesterday has been and gone. What you can do is think about the here and now and do something despite yourself. What have you got to lose when you accept that life is what it is now and there may not be a tomorrow?

I know it sounds all a little morbid and depressing, but it should also be an encouragement to accept it as it is now and make the most of the people around you whilst you can. If you are really struggling and cannot bare to face the world, that’s OK; that’s what some illnesses can do… but even just using your hand to send a text may just be enough to do something different.

I am not saying that I ought everyone to not believe and hope for tomorrow or prepare for a few years down the line, for I wish I had that kind of thinking! That IS something to strive for and be happy about! I wish I had that mentality too. You might think ‘what are you on about, you still can you just have to work at it, don’t give up’ but it doesn’t feel as easy as that and I have to admit that I am a chicken, I am too afraid and I don’t have the fight in me. I accept now that I am the way that I am, I suffer with two illnesses that have taken a hold and I say to them OK, you’re here I will learn to live with you as long as you let me try to do as much as I can for other people. I am also not advocating that people who are suffering with an illness or struggling with life that they should give up on it. If you want to fight, if you want to overcome whatever it is you are battling with then do it! Again that’s a sense of hope that I have not got but which should be cherished and used to its full advantage. What I am trying to say is that I am not one who can tell anyone what to do or make them think there are easy answers – just that I accept where you are right now, whatever place you are in; for wherever you are I know it can be tough and I know how it can feel to not have much hope and the fear of it all. For that, I say you are not alone and despite all that fear there is still something now that you can do to make the time you have left a little bit more comfortable.

On a lighter note, I love the work of Rob Ryan, and any other artist in fact who cuts paper to create some amazing pieces of art/ illustrations. I came across this one in some pictures that I had saved from artists who inspire me and thought I would share! Check out Rob Ryan's website for more amazing pieces. http://www.misterrob.co.uk/

Lets start at the very beginning...

2012-11-07T12:52:00.001-08:00

(Tuesday October 16^th2012, 08:02)

I have started this blog with very little expectations or planning as to how I will use this space except that I knew I wanted to document somewhere my ‘journey’ through the past year or so. To say it has been a “rollercoaster” is extremely cliché but it is also apt. I didn’t really know how to start until I came across my scribbles from the weekly ‘Creative Writing’ group I took part in each week whilst in hospital. It got me wondering that by documenting each week of writing that I did may (or may not) help me to learn and reflect back on my time in hospital and my journey through some stage of recovery.

I should come out now and say that I am suffering from depression and Anorexia Nervosa – the reason for my being in hospital – which I still find difficult to accept to this day. Like many suffering from a mental illness you find yourself wondering whether you are ‘suffering’ from anything at all or whether it is ‘just me’. But by saying it as it is holds no secrets as to what this journey is about and why I came to be taking part in writing of this kind.

So, ok, I'm primarily doing this blog for my own benefit. Selfish I know but I hope that by creating this blog I can relive the journey I made in hospital, and in me it will inspire new hope, or I will take something new and different through the sheer act of re-writing my “creative” pieces.

I'm not sure to whom else this will interest, and I am expecting nothing. Like I said this is for me…to see if there is any glimpse of what was in hospital, whether it will bring fresh aspirations and a newfound sense of purpose. Above all else, however, this is so that every part of me is laid bare – that if one wanted to know my inner being, my inner thoughts and feelings that this is the core of them. This is my raw self, my most exposed. Nothing I will hide anymore.

To be honest, I hope that someone will read this. And whoever stumbles upon it will take something away with them; an energy for living, inspiring, urging, giving, sharing? I can only hope. But I am not all-knowing and all-powerful – I don’t hold magic powers nor do I write well enough to make much of a difference I know. And who am I really to think that I could make a difference let alone through words? But what you will not know if you do not try!

And anyway like I said at the start this is more for selfish reasons, to explore in myself if there is anything there, if there is anyone at home.

Along the way I may even pop in things that are current, something from the everyday mundane – and from that maybe find something beautiful and worth holding on for. For surely even I know that If I try hard enough, if I just look, I will find an abundance of things.

Through this I hope it will make me more aware of myself – which I will try harder to give, and to share. And for that I will need to do things! For what purpose would this be if there was nothing to share? What, then, is the purpose to our being if we cannot share what we see, learn, enjoy, love, taste, feel, see or hear?

Enough of my incessant rambling that probably sounds a lot like hot air and cheese. Ah well, I am not doing this to impress or to impact.. I am doing It to explore. To experiment with words, with pictures, with thoughts straight from the mind – not filtering or editing. Just what comes naturally? For anything else would be a lie, would be pretending something that is not there. We spend too much of life ‘covering up’ and pretending. What is so wrong with just being ourselves?

So, this is me, waffle on dear for you have nothing to hide.