☻WanT-_-_-To_-_-_LauGh☺

Crazy Funny Videos

2010-03-12T18:09:00.004+05:00

Funny Pix

2010-02-11T13:16:00.001+05:00

Quotes

2009-10-30T14:05:00.001+06:00

MISCELLENIOUS:

Good friends are good for your health.
God made so many different kinds of people. Why would he allow only one way to serve him?
Nature and Books belong to the eyes that see them.
There is only one nature--the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Anger:

Anger is a bad counselor.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
Never strike your wife - even with a flower.
Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him.
Malice drinks one-half of its own poison.
Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved.
The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.
To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee.
Resentment is an extremely bitter diet, and eventually poisonous. I have no desire to make my own toxins
I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
I was angry with my friend
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
A Poison Tree.
Anger is one letter short of danger.
Anger ventilated often hurries toward forgiveness; and concealed often hardens into revenge.
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.
Eat a third and drink a third and leave the remaining third of your stomach empty. Then, when you get angry, there will be sufficient room for your rage.
No man can think clearly when his fist are clenched.
Anger is a momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.
The flame of anger, bright and brief, sharpens the barb of love.
Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power, that is not easy.

ART:

Great art can communicate before it is understood.
The difference between mediocrity and excellence is attention to detail.
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
Art is a jealous mistress and if a man has a genius for painting, poetry, music, architecture or philosophy, he makes a bad husband and an ill provider.
Art requires philosophy, just as philosophy requires art. Otherwise, what would become of beauty?
I do not seek. I find.
Everyone wants to understand painting. Why is there no attempt to understand the song of the birds?
The past is what man should not have been. The present is what man ought not to be. The future is what artists are.
The proper school to learn art is not life but art.
Art is the highest task and proper metaphysical activity of this life.
Lord, let me always desire more then I think I can do.
As music is the poetry of sound, so is painting the poetry of sight and the subject-matter has nothing to do with harmony of sound or of color.
An artist is not paid for his labor but for his vision.
Precision is not reality.
It has bothered me all my life that I do not paint like everybody else.
The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak
The job of the artist is always to deepen the mystery.
Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing.
The only difference between myself and a madman is that I am not mad.
An artist never really finishes his work; he merely abandons it.
Art doesn't transform. It just plain forms.
Art does not reproduce the visible; rather, it makes visible.
The more horrifying the world becomes, the more art becomes abstract.
I tell you, the more I think, the more I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people.

BUSINESS:

Almost all quality improvement comes via simplification of design, manufacturing,, layout, processes, and procedures.
If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking.
A market is never saturated with a good product, but it is very quickly saturated with a bad one.
The purpose of a business is to create and keep customers.
Business is really more agreeable than pleasure; it interests the whole mind ... more deeply. But it does not look as if it did.
A man to carry on a successful business must have imagination. He must see things as in a vision, a dream of the whole thing.
Watch, listen, and learn. You can't know it all yourself.. anyone who thinks they do is destined for mediocrity.
For me, campaigning and good business is also about putting forward solutions, not just opposing destructive practices or human rights abuses.
There's no business like show business.
Our favourite holding period is forever.
Business is not financial science, it's about trading.. buying and selling. It's about creating a product or service so good that people will pay for it.
A friendship founded on business is a good deal better than a business founded on friendship.
Regardless of how well a studio is run, it's only as good as the product it produces.
Go for a business that any idiot can run - because sooner or later, any idiot probably is going to run it.
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
Information technology and business are becoming inextricably interwoven. I don't think anybody can talk meaningfully about one without the talking about the other.
All the things I love is what my business is all about.
Well, you know, I was a hman being before I became a businessman.
Globalization has gone wrong, as it has no rules. Multinationals are almost above the law. They are so huge they are bigger than governments.

COMPUTER:

Linux is only free if your time is worthless.
The Unix 'file system' Sure it corrupts your data, but look how fast it is !
Before software can be reusable it first has to be usable.
You think you know when you learn, are more sure when you can write, even more when you can teach, but certain when you can program.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the second law of thermodynamics; i.e. it always increases.
Standard are industry's way of codifying obsolescence.
Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
If your computer speaks English, it was probably made in Japan.
Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you.
Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Your program is sick ! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
AI: anything a computer can't do yet.
Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
Whenever you think you have a clever programming trick... forget it !
Programming is an art form that fights back.
...The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.
The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time...
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Programmer - an organism that turns coffee into software.
People who buy Macs are the same people who said BETA is better than VHS 15 years ago.
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
Perfection is achieved not when you have nothing more to add, but when you have nothing left to take away.

DEATH:

Every man dies. Not every man really lives.
Be sure to live your life, because you are a long time dead.
There is nothing which at once affects a man so much and so little as his own death.
They give birth astride of a grave. The light gleams an instant, then it's night once more.
Way I see it, we're all on the Hindenburg, no use fighting over the window seat.
The trouble with quotes about death is that 99.999 percent of them are made by people who are still alive.
Death is an intellectual matter, but dying is pure pain.
One day I'll turn the corner and I won't be ready for it.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
We are afraid to live, but scared to die.
If man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live.
Death and taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them.
To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent.
What we commonly call death does not destroy the body, it only causes a separation of spirit and body.
A man is not completely born until he is dead.
Fear not death, for the sooner we die the longer we shall be immortal.
I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived.
Even at our birth, death does but stand aside a little. And every day he looks towards us and muses somewhat to himself whether that day or the next he will draw nigh.
We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.
To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.
One owes respect to the living; but to the dead one owes nothing but the truth.
Dying seems less sad than having lived too little.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
Nothing in life is certain except death and taxes.

DREAMS:

No person has the right to rain on your dreams.
Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven.
Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.
A man's dreams are an index to his greatness.
The best love affairs are those we never had.
If growing up is the process of creating ideas and dreams about what life should be, then maturity is letting go again.
Judge of your natural character by what you do in your dreams.
Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top.
Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.
There is nothing like a dream to create the future.
You see things; and you say, "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?"
Nothing happens unless first a dream.
The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives and the dreams shall never die.
Let your dream devour your life not your life devour your dream.
It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.
For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come.
Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.
To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.
Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.
The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle.
Dreams are necessary to life.
People don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream -- what they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.
A dream is an answer to a question we haven't yet learned how to ask.
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.
Those who lose dreaming are lost.
A dream that is not interpreted is like a letter that has not been opened.
The dream follows the interpretation.
Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
Dreams are the touchstone of our character.
Dream as if you'll live forever... live as if you'll die today.
There will always be dreams grander or humbler than your own, but there will never be a dream exactly like your own...for you are unique and more wondrous than you know!
Only as high as I reach can I grow Only as far as I seek can I go, Only as deep as I look can I see, Only as much as I dream can I be.
If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time.
The most pitiful among men is he who turns his dreams into silver and gold.
Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one.
Like all dreamers I confuse disenchantment with truth.
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one.

EDUCATIONAL:

One of the chief obstacles to intelligence and freedom of thought.
Hanging around until you've caught on.
One of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.
Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
If you are planning for a year, sow rice; if you are planning for a decade, plant trees; if you are planning for a lifetime, educate people.
I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught.
Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
The only real education comes from what goes counter to you.
The modern child, when asked what he learned today, replies, "Nothing, but I gained some meaningful insights."
No man who worships education has got the best out of education... Without a gentle contempt for education no man's education is complete.
The principal goal of education is to create men who are capable of doing new things, not simply of repeating what other generations have done.
True education makes for inequality; the inequality of individuality, the inequality of success, the glorious inequality of talent, of genius.
Education is not a form of entertainment, but a means of empowering people to take control of their lives.
Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.
Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.
He who dares to teach must never cease to learn.
Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.
If someone is going down the wrong road, he doesn't need motivation to speed him up. What he needs is education to turn him around.
The test and the use of man's education is that he finds pleasure in the exercise of his mind.
Your biggest opportunity probably lies under your own feet, in your current job, industry, education, experience or interests.
Apply yourself. Get all the education you can, but then...do something. Don't just stand there, make it happen.
We are born weak, we need strength; helpless, we need aid; foolish, we need reason. All that we lack at birth, all that we need when we come to man's estate, is the gift of education.
The function of education is to help you from childhood not to imitate anybody, but be yourself all the time.
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
He is to be educated because he is a man, and not because he is to make shoes, nails, and pins.
Learning makes the wise wiser and the fool more foolish.
Education is that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
A wise man is one who finally realizes that there are some questions one can ask which may have no answers.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
The object of education is to prepare the young to educate themselves throughout their lives.

FRIENDSHIP:

Friendship is the union of spirits, a marriage of hearts, and the bond thereof virtue.
Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.
A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else.
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love and to be loved is the greatest happiness of existence.
True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity, before it is entitled to the appellation.
The language of friendship is not words but meanings.
Good friends are good for your health.
Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.
Books, like friends, should be few and well chosen.
It's the ones you can call up at 4:00 a.m. that really matter.
Advice from your friends in like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad.
A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.
It is not what you give your friend, but what you are willing to give him that determines the quality of friendship.
You cannot be friends upon any other terms than upon the terms of equality.
An honest answer is the sign of true friendship.
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends whom we choose.
No man is useless while he has a friend.
There can be no Friendship where there is no Freedom.
Love is rarer than genius itself. And friendship is rarer than love.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people, than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
"Friendship needs no words..."
"Friendship multiplies the good of life and divides the evil."
Friends are like melons; shall I tell you why? To find one good you must try one hundred.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.
"A faithful friend is the medicine of life."
Hold a true friend with both your hands.
The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.
"The only way to have a friend is to be one."
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.
What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.
It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."
Who finds a faithful friend, finds a treasure.
Remember, the greatest gift is not found in a store nor under a tree, but in the hearts of true friends.
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
Good friends must not always be together; It is the feeling of oneness when distant That proves a lasting friendship.
Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief.
Friendship is a horizon-- which expands whenever we approach it.
Friendship is the golden thread that ties all hearts together.
When you're looking for a friend don't look for perfection, just look for friendship.
It is important for our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to friendship that we are not.
Nothing is great like friendship on earth, No jewel No pearl has got it's worth. No one except a friend can be trusted, Your life will never ever get rusted.
The secret to friendship is being a good listener.
Friendship is a special kind of love.
True friendship is never serene.
Friendship with oneself is all-important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.
A new friendship is like an unripened fruit - it may become either an orange or a lemon.
Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship--never.
Life without friendship is like the sky without sun.
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Friendship is one mind in two bodies.
A simple friend thinks the friendship over when you have an argument. A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight.
No one person can possibly combine all the elements supposed to make up what everyone means by friendship.
I cannot concentrate all my friendship on any single one of my friends because no one is complete enough in himself.
That friendship will not continue to the end which is begun for an end.
The friendship between me and you I will not compare to a chain; for that rains might rust, or the falling tree might break.
Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.
True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.
"One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives."
"Friends show their love in times of trouble..."
"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere."
"A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature."
"Every man passes his life in the search after friendship."
"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost"
"Friendship makes prosperity more brilliant, and lightens adversity by dividing and sharing it."

FUNNY:

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
The lovely thing about being 40 is that you can appreciate 25 year old men more.
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk-dancing.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
When humor goes, there goes civilization
Good taste and humour...are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
Compatible: Your money fits in the salesperson's wallet.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.
When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
Great Britain and the United States are nations separated by a common language.
Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

HISTORY:

The historian has been the hearth at which the soul of the country has been kept alive.
The real history does not get written, because it is not in people's brains but in their nerves and vitals.
History supplies little beyond a list of those who have accommodated themselves with the property of others.
Delusion about history is a serious matter; it can gravely affect the history that is waiting to be made.
There is nothing more dangerous than history used as a defense, or history used for preaching; history used as a tool is no longer history.
Wars usually have the effect of speeding up the process of history.
A history in which every particular incident may be true may on the whole be false.
History is not the past, but a map of the past drawn from a particular point of view to be useful to the modern traveler.
History is nothing but a problem of mechanics applied to psychology.
Radical historians now the tell the story of Thanksgiving from the point of view of the turkey.
History is a pageant and not a philosophy.
History does not unfold: it piles up.
Skepticism is history's bedfellow
What we take for the history of nature is only the very incomplete history of an instant
We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.
Woe unto the defeated,
whom history treads
into the dust.
Perhaps nobody has changed the course of history as much as the historians.
The middle sort of historians (of which the most part are) spoil all; they will chew our meat for us.
Take from the altars of the past the fire - not the ashes.
History is never above the melee. It is not allowed to be neutral, but forced to enlist in every army.
Until lions have their historians, tales of the hunt shall always glorify the hunters.
Isn't it amazing the way the future succeeds in creating an appropriate past?
Men have need of history because, without it, the past threatens to overwhelm them.
Crimes of which a people is ashamed constitute its real history. The same is true of man.
I see History as a relay race in which one of us, before dropping in his tracks, must carry one stage further the challenge of being a man.
History is never antiquated, because humanity is always fundamentally the same.
Historians of literature like to regard a century as a series of ten faces, each grimacing in a different way.
The Past lies upon the Present like a giant's dead body.
History is the transformation of tumultuous conquerors into silent footnotes.
Man watches his history on the screen with apathy and an occasional passing flicker of horror or indignation.
God cannot alter the past, though historians can.
Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.
History never looks like history when you are living through it.
We are the prisoners of history. Or are we?
History is filled with the sound of silken slippers going downstairs and wooden shoes coming up.
Historians are gossips who tease the dead.
The history of the world is the record of a man in quest of his daily bread and butter.
History is a symphony of echoes heard and unheard. It is a poem with events as verses.
History is a novel for which the people is the author.
A history in which every particular incident may be true may on the whole be false.
We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.
All the ancient histories, as one of our wits say, are just fables that have been agreed upon.
The memories of men are too frail a thread to hang history from.
The challenge of history is to recover the past and introduce it to the present.
There is properly no history; only biography.
I am not caused by my history--my parents, my childhood and development. These are mirrors in which I may catch glimpses of my image.
History is the record of an encounter between character and circumstance.
History is past politics, and politics present history.
A lot of history is just dirty politics cleaned up for the consumption of children and other innocents.
Most history is guessing, and the rest is prejudice.
History is a great dust heap.
Historian: A broad-gauge gossip.
Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.

LoL

2009-10-25T16:27:00.018+06:00

An old man waiting for a bus on a bus stand, he there sees a young guy with his hair dyed in different colours...

The old man was continuously gazing at the boy, the boy asked, Wats up Oldie.. Never Did anything Wild .. ??

The Old Man replied:

Yup, Fucked Up a Peacock once, Wondering if your my Son :P

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.

The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat." The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"

The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..

Do you have a piece of gum?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married. Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

* The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Name four members of the cat family.
Pupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens !

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER:Why does you geography exam have a big zero over it?

Pupil: It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead !

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a Russian a Cuban an American and a lawyer on a train. The Russian started the conversation with "Mother Russia has the best vodka ever and we have so much we can just throw it away." So the Russian throws a bottle out the window.

Then the Cuban speaks up "Cuba has the best cigars and we have so much we could throw them away." So the Cuban throws some cigars out the window. Well the American doesn’t say a single thing but gets up and walks over to the lawyer and throws him out the window.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson have in common?
There both black people with white faces.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"LoLzzZzz........"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon.

She looked at me with a big smile and said, "Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Question: What do a woman, a tornado and a hurricane have in common?
Answer: They all get the house!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked, "If I died, would you remarry?"

Peter thought for a second then said "Yeah I guess I would".

Then his the wife asked, "well would you have her as your golfing partner?"

Peter replied, "yep I probably would do that too".

"But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?!", she cried.

Peter looked at her and said, "Nah, she is left handed."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?'
Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink."
The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whats the best thing about dating homeless girls?
You can drop them off anywhere.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice. He had always hated Math, so, he asked his secretary for some Mathematical help. He asked her, "If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

She replied, "Everything but my earrings."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
He smashed his nose.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken... hahahahhahahahahah :D

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the piss out the underpants.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock.
A lady asks "What are you dressed as?"
He says a fireman!
You break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call an afghan virgin
Mever bin laid on

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A lickalotopis

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came home just in time to find his lover in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged his lover down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The lover terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrotpauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You, Too, Can Do Housework

3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

4. How to Fill an Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money

6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques: formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks"

8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception

9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook

10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You: The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons to Give Flowers

15. How to Stay Awake in Public

16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom

17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb

18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try

19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower

20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please

21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down: formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet"

22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms

23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull

24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost

25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex

27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes

28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too

29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home

30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

31. Seeing the True You: formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked"

32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works

33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits" From Your Vocabulary

34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary

35. Techniques for calling home

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a man and a woman were having sex and a bee flew up the womans pussy.

The man took the woman to the hospital.

The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.

The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realises it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.

The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".

The docrot replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midgetdropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and toldthe midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to his doctor to pick up his medicine. when he gets there, his doctor tells him that he has to take these up the butt, because otherwise he'd vomit them up.

The doctor asks the man if he'd like the doctor to put it in today because it's his first time and after this his wife can do it, and the man agrees.

So he puts it in, and the man yells, "ow!" and then the doctor tells him it will sometimes hurt, and sends him on his way.

The next day, his wife puts it in for him, and as she puts it in, he screams at the top of his lungs.

She asks him what is wrong, because she put it in gently, and he tells her that when the doctor put it in, he had two hands on his shoulders.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was wondering why she hadnt had sex in 5 months.

So her friend told her to go and see a chinese sex doctor.

When she got there he told here to take off all her clothes and crawl to the other end of the room and back.

As she was crawling back towards the doctor, he said "Oh yes... I see the problem now"

"What is it", replied the woman.

"Your face look like your ass" said the doctor.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This retired O.B.G.Y.N doctor decides he is bored and wants to find something to do with his spare time. He always had a motorcycle and loves riding them, but never could work on them. He decided to go to school to learn to be a master motorcycle mechanic.

After a couple of years of hard studying and learning about bikes, the last day of school was a final exam. The final exam was a 2 part test. Part 1 was diagnostics of a badly running motorcycle engine. Part 2 everyone in the class had to compleatly tear down the bikes engine, repair it and put it back together running perfect.

After several hours of working, the teacher tells everyone to stop what they are doing. He then judges everyone's work.

He grades everyone. He tells everyone their scores. The grades are 2 part. 50 points for diagnosis. 50 points for installation. He gives 1 person an 80, another person a 75, another a 68. Finally he gets to the doc's bike, cranks it up, it runs perfect. He gives the doc a 150.

Confused, he asked the teacher why he gave him a 150. The teacher explains to him, 50 points for proper diagnosis, 50 points for repairing it properly. The doc asks what about the other 50 points. The teacher then replies, "In all my life, I've never, ever, ever seen anyone completely tear down, repair and rebuild a motorcycle enging going through the exhaust pipes!".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his penis.

So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, "If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow".

The guy went back to the doctor and said "The cream you gave me didn't work"!

So the doctor gave him a different cream and said "If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow".

So the next day the guy cam back and said "This stuff you gave doesn't work either".

So the doctor gave him some more cream and said "If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow".

The next day the guy came back and said "The cream you gave me worked what was it?"

So the doc. said "Nothing special... It was just lip-stick remover".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at thisbreakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Old muther hubber
Went to the cupbord
To get her old dog a bone

When she bent over
Rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day two old ladies met up for a spot of lunch, one of the ladies said to the other

"Did you come on the bus"

The other lady replyed

"Yeah but I made it look like an asthma attack"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old couple is in a taxi in America.

The taxi driver says "So which part of England are you folks from?"

The old man replies "From Yorkshire"

The old lady says "What did he say?"

The old man says "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire"

The taxi driver says "I've been to orkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a right bitch, it put me off going to England forever."

The old lady says "What did he say?"

The old man says "I think the driver knows you!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards.

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were three guys at a bar.

One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.

The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shit if she doesnt like thenecklace she'll love the trip" he said.

So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "

As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

"Correct." Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

"Correct again." Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked he sopts a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies: "No!"

She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."

She then layes him down and starts making love to him.

Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies, "No!"

The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"

John says "Here's my room keys I'm leaving early"

The manager asks why and John replies "I'm 60 years old, I get an erectiononce a week but I fart 20 times a day !!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Funny euphemisms people use for farts ...

Gravy Pants

Firing Scud Missiles

Turd Honking

Mud Duck

Panty Burps

Pant Stainers

Cut the Cheese

Trouser Cough

K-Fart

Crack Splitters

Turd Tooties

Anal Audio

Great Brown Cloud

Exercising the meat nozzle

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Mexican, an American, and a Pollock are all in an airplane Flying over Mexico.

The Mexican drops a pear on his country.

When the American asks why he says he loves his country.

Then they're flying over the US and the American drops an apple.

When the Pollock asks why he says because he loves his country.

Then they're flying over the Pollock's country and the Pollock drops a bomb.

When the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country.

A while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying.

He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.

The American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl crying.

When he asks her why she says because an apple fell out of the sky and hit her on the head.

The Pollock is walking the streets and he comes to a man that is laughing.

When he asks him why the man says, "Because I farted and the building behind me blew up!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word isDEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."

The teacher says; "Not necisarrily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITLY just shit my pants!!!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------