2020 was a doozy of a year. The clock flipping from 11:59 pm December 31, 2020 to 12:00 am January 1, 2021 didn’t change much of anything (not that I noticed, because I was asleep), but there is something more optimistic about 2021. We know there is a vaccine, and that all of us will get it sooner or later. We know we can do hard things like online school for months on end. We know we can spend time together, without arguing too much. Without trying to jinx too much it feels as though we are closer to a place of certainty. (I just jinxed it, didn’t I?)

But 2020? Oof. OOOF. That said, there were definitely things that saved my life.

1. My treadmill. An almost daily morning ritual that was a way to release stress, get the day kicked off to a good start and help me get through lots of podcasts. Somedays it’s a short session, sometimes longer, but it’s always helpful.
2. Walks with the dog. During the summer and into the fall, until Penelope injured her knee, we took a walk around the neighborhood almost every day. It was a great way to end the day, Penelope loved it and, when not walking with my mom, it helped me get through lots of podcasts.
3. Book club. We’ve been good friends for a long time now, but the pandemic and stay at home order kicked things into higher gear. We welcomed a new member and started meeting twice a month, supplemented by lots and lots (and lots!) of texting. Having an outlet to stress and connect, and an opportunity to really get to know these smart, interesting women was such a good thing.
4. Puzzles. I lost track of how many puzzles we did in 2020, but it was a lot. It was also something fun that Eddy and I could do as a family; we don’t have a ton of hobbies that overlap, so it’s nice when our preferences compliment each others. For example, Eddy really likes puzzles with lots of interesting details, like faces, buildings or landscape and I like wide expanses of similar colors, where you really have to rely on the shape of the puzzle or a slight shift in tone to figure out what goes where. We were lucky enough to do several puzzles that scratched both our itches.

1 What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before?

Stay at home with my family for 9 months because of a global pandemic and the incompetence of our government. Stopped hugging people. Get my wisdom teeth pulled (and thank goodness they don’t grow back because I don’t want to go through that again!).

2 Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Did I even make New Year’s resolutions this year? I don’t remember. I have been doing words of the year instead, for the past few years, and my word of the year for 2020 was kavanah, or intentionality. I don’t think this has been entirely a miss, actually; being at home, working from home, going to services from home, seeing friends remotely (from home) has made some of the choices I have been able to make more intentional. But have I learned as much, or grown in the ways that I intended when I set this word? Not really.

Resolutions for 2020? Yes, I’ll be setting some of those in connection with my new word for the year…but you’ll have to scroll to the end of the post to see.

3 Did anyone close to you give birth?

Sadly, I am mostly out of the stage of life where my friends are having babies, and not yet in the stage of life where my babies are having babies.

4 Did anyone close to you die?

More than 346,000 people in the United States from the Coronavirus due to the purposeful inaction and posturing of our government and the inability of Americans to think of others.

5 What countries did you visit?

Germany and the UK for work and to see Beth! I got back to Seattle days before everything shut down, and it was so great to have that one last hurrah before the Unprecedented Times arrived (not that we knew it was a last hurrah when we planned it

6 What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020?

The ability to leave my house without a mask on. In person meetings with my coworkers. Book club evenings in my living room. Hugging my friends. Road trips to LA.

7 What dates from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

The Saturday when Joe Biden and Kamela Harris’ win became official; I cried and cried. Kate’s bat mitzvah. Jonah and Owen getting their driver’s licenses.

8 What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Staying employed. Keeping the family healthy and relatively sane. I also stopped drinking, but it wasn’t because I was trying to stop, so I hesitate to count it as an achievement. One day I just didn’t pour myself some wine with dinner, and after I while I noticed that I hadn’t had a beer for a while either. Then it became a thing that I noticed, but I’m intentionally trying not to make it A Thing. If I want to go back to having wine, or beer more likely, someday, I will. I just haven’t wanted to yet.

9 What was your biggest failure?

General lack of patience. (I think I say the same thing every year.) Not helping the kids (especially Jonah) feel more successful.

10 Did you suffer illness or injury?

I didn’t, other than fibromyalgia aches and pains and getting my wisdom teeth out. Penelope had ACL surgery. Everyone else is fine, global pandemic and related mental health challenges notwithstanding.

11 What was the best thing you bought?

A scrubby brush for dry brushing my skin every morning. I didn’t think I would love it, but I do!

12 Whose behavior merited celebration?

Jonah, Owen and Kate have been struggling through this year, to be sure, but they have been doing their best, and that’s what counts.

13 Whose behavior made you appalled or depressed?

In 2017 I wrote “Donald Trump’s and all his voters.” Unfortunately that’s still true, and lots of them aren’t wearing masks.

14 Where did most of your money go?

We did more work on the garden which cost a pretty penny but was totally worth it. I also paid off my student loans in July. And our insurance rates skyrocketed once Jonah and Owen got their driver’s licenses–luckily there are a few years to go before Kate’s!

15 What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The election! The vaccine!

16 Compared to this time last year, are you:

17 What do you wish you’d done more of?

Left my house: for small trips, big trips, dinners out.

18 What do you wish you’d done less of?

Staying in my house.

19 How did you spend the holidays?

Online! We did Passover via Zoom right after the pandemic started, and it was a lot of fun, which gave me encouragement for all the holidays we did just us that followed: Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Year’s Eve.

20 Did you fall in love in 2020?

Not any more than in previous years!

21 Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I hesitate to use the word hate, but I doubt I’ll ever seen anything redeeming in Mitch McConnell.

22 What did you want and get?

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris!!

23 What did you want and not get?

A rational, scientific, proactive, evidenced based response to the pandemic.

24 What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 46, at home, doing meetings online, having a quiet dinner, just like all the other evenings this year.

25 How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020?

Tanktops, leggings, sweatshirts and birkenstocks. I also discovered the joy of Allbirds tree runners, and second hand Eileen Fisher.

26 What kept you sane?

Using my treadmill five days a week. Podcasts, especially the NPR Politics podcast (and NPR podcasts in general) and Pod Save America. Reading library books on my kindle. Taking Penelope on walks.

27 What political issue stirred you the most?

The election in general, and the Republican response to the Coronavirus.

28 Who did you miss?

All of my family, friends and coworkers who I wasn’t able to see in person.

29 Who was the best new person you met?

I met no one new this year, but I did become closer with Pamela, through Buy Nothing and Book Club!

30 What valuable life lesson did you learn in 2020?

That a lot of people really are very self-centered, which makes it more important than ever to think of ourselves as part of a community.

31 What word do you choose to describe 2021?

Health. I have a few small goals as well: walk 40K steps a week. Maintain a healthy daily routine focused on keeping my teeth healthy, improving the condition of my gums, and implementing a good skin care routine. Lose another 30 lbs this year, on top of what I already lost in 2020: slow and steady wins the race!

Here are a few of the things I want my kids to know before they grow up.

1. Being kind matters. Being nice to others is important. Politeness counts, and so does common courtesy, even when you feel like the other person doesn’t deserve it.

2. You should have a few life skills: a good meal you cook well, knowing how to drive a stick shift, the ability to swim, riding a bike, and how to balance your check book.

3. Everybody should have a hobby. Even if it seems weird to others, you should have something that you enjoy doing to pass the time.

4. You won’t always be the best. And that is OK. What’s important is to do your best when it matters (and you’ll know when it matters).

5. Not everybody wins every time. Know when to pick your fights, when to walk away, and when the difference matters.

6. Friends matter. Having lots of friends is good, but having a few close friends that you can count on is essential. Know who you can go for a walk around the block with, who you can complain about your parents to, and who will help you solve a problem.

7. Be assertive, kindly and politely, and don’t back down if you know it’s important to you.

8. Taking leaps is important. Try something that is hard for you to think of doing. You may not want to do it again, but you probably won’t regret trying it. 

9. So is standing still. Know how to be bored. Put your phone down and forget where you put it. Know when to not take that leap–not every mountain needs to be conquered.

10. Own up to your responsibilities, your mistakes and your accomplishments. If you did something, say so. If you didn’t do something, say that too. If you’re good at doing something, say it proudly!

11. Make a list, check it twice. And get it done. Sometimes the hardest thing is getting started, but once you start it’s never as hard as you feared.

12. We’re all important to someone. Know who you are important to, because they will cheer you on forever. It doesn’t have to be just your mom, it can be your friends, your boss, your teacher.

13. School is important, but so is learning about the world in other ways. Read a book. Listen to a podcast. Get lost in a YouTube series.

14. Tell the truth, but know when it’s not worth it. Sometimes a white lie prevents lots of problems.

15. Nobody’s perfect. And get out of your own head! You notice your imperfections and (perceived) flaws way more than anyone else does…they’re too busy concentrating on themselves.

16. Money matters. Put in the work now to give yourself the freedom later. You might not want to stay in school for years and years, but do you really want to be doing shift work or manual labor when you’re 60?

17. You are who you are. Be proud of that person. Own your lived experience. I love you.

The above pictures were taken in 2009 by Frederic Chorier. Someone in the WWNG knew him and got us a group rate. Some of my favorite pictures of the kids were taken in a 10 minute session in a super cramped studio in downtown Grenoble. I love the black and white laughing picture of me laughing, and used it for a long time. Fun fact: I still have the glasses and the jacket.

I had just gotten home from a great haircut and the boys were feeling silly. I was also feeling super photogenic, because I had lost about 30 pounds. This photo was taken while we were still living at my mother’s house, I think in 2013. I use this on Instagram and it’s fun to see how small the boys were. I still have this sweater too.

This photo was taken in 2014 or thereabouts, while at the dog park. I like how we all have pops of pink, and how clearly we are related! I use this profile photo on Facebook. Notice the different glasses; I quickly went back to the French ones.

I had to take a new photo when Microsoft updated their badges. This was a selfie in my office on the Advanta campus. I used this as a profile picture on LinkedIn for a long time. I’m pretty sure it was fall 2015.

I was asked to join the board at Temple Beth Am, and all my previous pictures seemed just a little too out of date. I’d also just gotten some new make-up, a fancy new phone and a nice haircut. I took this photo (another selfie) in our living room, about five minutes before I had to run out the door to take Penelope to the vet. Some built-in filters, and voila, a new profile picture!

Kabbalat Shabbat Service, October 30, 2020 from Temple Beth Am, Seattle on Vimeo.

Shabbat Morning Service (Bat Mitzvah of Kate Rigotti), October 31, 2020 from Temple Beth Am, Seattle on Vimeo.

Kelly

Kate Dolores, you are named after two very strong women: your step-grandmother Kathleen, and your great-grandmother Dolores, and have the blessing of being surrounded by many other strong women in your life: friends and family. When I look at you, I see your past and your future, your curiosity and friendliness, your storytelling and strong will. I see the capabilities of who you are, and the potential of who you will become. I’m incredibly proud of you, and especially your Jewish identity and knowledge that we are witnessing today. Kate Dolores, my wish for you today is that you continue to grow into the person you already are today: a strong, smart, stubborn, sweet person who I love very much.

Kate Dolores, tu portes le nom de deux femmes très fortes de caractère : ta belle-grand-mère Kathleen et ton arrière-grand-mère Dolores, et tu as la chance d’être entourée de nombreuses autres femmes fortes dans ta vie : des amies et de la famille. Quand je te regarde, je vois ton passé et ton avenir, ta curiosité et ta convivialité, les histoires que tu crées et ta forte volonté. Je te les capacités de qui tu es et le potentiel de qui tu deviendras. Tu me rends extrêmement fier, surtout ton identité juive et de tes connaissances de la Judaïsme dont nous sommes témoins aujourd’hui. Kate Dolores, mon souhait pour toi aujourd’hui est que tu continues à devenir la personne que tu es déjà aujourd’hui : une personne forte, intelligente, têtue et douce que j’aime plus que tout.

Eddy

Ta venue au monde a rempli ma vie de joie dès le premier instant. Tes premiers mots, alors que tu n’étais encore qu’un bebe m’a rendu si fière de voir comme tu étais si intelligente. Ta joie de vivre et ta facilité de parler aux gens m’ont souvent fait beaucoup rire. J’ai des souvenirs vraiment drôles quand tu racontais ta vie à n’importe qui tu pouvais rencontrer. Notre vie en France était très spéciale, et tu n’as jamais caché avec fierté que ton papa était français et ta maman américaine ; tu parlais les deux langues sans aucune difficulté. Ton gout pour la musique m’a toujours rendu heureux, et plus tard j’ai été agréablement surpris de t’entendre chanter avec une si belle voix. Bon, c’est vrai que tu chantes beaucoup, le matin, l’après-midi, sous la douche, et quelquefois j’ai même été obligé pendant la nuit de te demander de dormir parce que tu chantais dans ton lit. Tu deviens une très jolie jeune fille maintenant, très intelligente et sensible, avec beaucoup de caractère. Mon souhait pour toi aujourd’hui est que tu sois toujours aussi joyeuse, intelligente et sensible, que tu restes la même bonne personne que tu l’es déjà. Je suis très fière de toi et je t’aime très fort.

Your birth filled my life with joy from the very first moment. Your first words, when you were still a baby, made me so proud to see how smart you were. Your zest for life, and your ease of talking to people have often made me laugh. I have very funny memories from when you would tell your life story to anyone you met. Our life in France was very special, and you were very proud that your dad was French, and your mom was American; you spoke both languages easily. Your taste for music has always made me happy, and I was pleasantly surprised to hear you sing with such a beautiful voice. It is true that you sing a lot: in the morning, in the afternoon, in the shower, and sometimes I even have to tell you to go to sleep at night because you’re singing in your bed. You are turning into a very pretty young girl, very intelligent and sensitive, with a lot of personality. My wish for you today is that you will continue to be as happy, intelligent and sensitive as you are now, that you will remain the same good person as you already are. I am very proud of you and I love you very much.

Le sexisme est aussi évident dans la société aujourd’hui que, malheureusement, il l’a été depuis plusieurs milliers d’années. Une illustration de ce dont je parle fait partie de la parasha de cette semaine. Nous examinerons la relation entre Abram, Sarai et Hagar, et comment nous pourrions la voir dans la perspective d’aujourd’hui.

La partie de la Torah de cette semaine est Lech L’cha, qui raconte comment Sarai et Abram ont été sans enfants pendant des décennies. Pour cette raison, Saraï a suggéré qu’ils aient un enfant « par l’entremise de » leur serviteur égyptien, Hagar, qui, alors qu’un jeune enfant, avait été donné à Saraï par le pharaon. Après avoir donné naissance à Ismaël, Hagar a fui parce qu’elle avait peur que personne ne l’accepterait, ainsi qu’à cause des mauvais traitements qu’elle a reçus de Saraï.

La façon dont j’interprète cette partie est qu’elle est extrêmement sexiste. Cela implique que le seul but des femmes est de donner des enfants à leur mari. Je pense que peu de gens parlent d’Agar ou de son histoire. Elle n’avait pas son mot à dire dans sa vie. La Torah écrit dans Genèse 16 : 3: « Alors Saraï, la femme d’Abram, prit Agar l’Égyptienne, sa servante, au bout de dix ans de résidence d’Abram au pays de Canaan, et elle la donna à Abram son mari pour femme. » Hagar était très probablement humilié et honteux.

Après avoir accouché, elle a fui sa maison. En raison de la façon dont ce récit est raconté dans la Torah, il semble presque que Hagar soit évitée pour ses actions – coucher avec Abram bien qu’elle ne fût pas sa femme, et parce qu’elle a fui – car il n’y a aucune autre mention d’elle. Je ne peux pas dire qu’elle a été agressée ou violée parce que les faits de la Torah sont un peu incertains. Mais je dirai qu’elle a probablement subi des pressions de la part de Sarai et d’Abram pour avoir un enfant, et il est difficile d’imaginer se sentir à l’aise dans cette situation. Il est clair à partir de cette partie de la Torah que l’agression sexuelle n’est pas une chose nouvelle et elle se poursuit aujourd’hui alors que nous voyons des choses telles que des femmes sortir et parler de leurs expériences dans ce qui est maintenant appelé le mouvement Moi Aussi.

Un autre point de vue est celui du Dr Tamar Kadari, déclarant : « [Abram] a écouté sa femme en ce qui concerne Hagar, mais il a également pris soin de ne pas nuire à cette dernière. Sarah, en revanche, a traité sa servante durement et l’a maltraitée de diverses manières, la faisant fuir vers le désert. Kadari continue qu’une autre raison de la fuite d’Hagar était la désapprobation de Sarai à l’égard de l’amitié entre son fils, Isaac, et le fils d’Agar, Ismaël. En raison de la jalousie de Sarai pour Agar et de la nécessité de « protéger » Isaac, elle méprisa Agar et Ismaël parce qu’ils étaient égyptiens.

Je trouve ironique que Sarai ait été si condescendante envers ses esclaves égyptiens lorsque ses descendants ont fini par subir le même sort lorsqu’ils ont été réduits en esclavage pendant des centaines d’années en Égypte quelques générations plus tard. La leçon la plus importante de la Torah est « aimez votre prochain comme vous-même » de Lev. 19 :18, ce que Sarai a clairement ignoré dans son traitement d’Agar. Sarai était mécontente d’Agar, voulant la remettre à sa place. Peut-être que si elle n’avait pas été aussi hostile, Hagar n’aurait pas fui.

Ces points de vue, entre autres, montrent clairement que la plupart des femmes de la Torah étaient négligées et méprisées quoi qu’elles fassent. Hagar devait avoir un enfant pour plaire à Abram et continuer sa lignée, mais elle a été si mal traitée qu’elle a choisi de partir. Selon l’érudit Judith Hauptman, si une femme était obligée d’accomplir des commandements limités dans le temps, cela « diminuerait la domination de son mari sur elle parce qu’elle devrait cesser temporairement de le servir, et servir Dieu à la place ». Il est essentiel pour la société que les hommes affirment leur domination sur les femmes de leur foyer, sinon ils seraient dépeints comme le sexe inférieur.

Cette partie de la Torah se concentre sur l’histoire de Sarai et d’Abram à l’exclusion de l’histoire de Hagar ; son manque de choix, sa honte et sa fuite de sa communauté. Elle a été écrite hors de l’histoire, simplement parce que les auteurs de la Torah l’ont déclarée sans importance. C’est difficile pour moi d’imaginer un avenir meilleur, car je ne suis pas une personne optimiste en général. Cela étant dit, je dirai la vérité pour faire entendre ma voix.

Trop de femmes dans l’histoire ont été négligées. La chronologie va des temps anciens à il y a moins d’un siècle, et dans certains cas, même maintenant. Alors, comment pouvons-nous arrêter cela ? Tenez-vous debout face à la société. Facile, non ? Oui et non. Protester directement est probablement l’un des moyens les plus efficaces de faire avancer les choses, mais cela prend du temps. Les femmes ont protesté pendant des années avant que le droit de vote ne nous soit accordé. Nous ne sommes toujours pas traités équitablement et également dans la société. Le problème avec le sexisme, c’est que nous devons comprendre à quel point c’est compliqué. Quelque chose qui existe depuis des milliers d’années ne disparaîtra probablement pas de sitôt. Il y aura toujours des gens qui recourront au sexisme, peu importe combien nous protestons pour entrer dans leur tête. La seule façon de résoudre quelque chose comme la question du sexisme est de former les générations futures à ce que nous soyons tous égaux, parce que nous le sommes.

Le dicton « Nous sommes le futur » est à peu près la chose la plus ringarde que nous puissions dire, mais cela fonctionne. Parce que c’est vrai. Nous n’avons pas à convaincre tout le monde que l’égalité est idéale, car ce n’est pas possible. Mais si nous apprenons à tout le monde que chaque forme, taille et couleur est belle à sa manière, nous y arriverons.

Ta venue au monde a rempli ma vie de joie dès le premier instant. Tes premiers mots, alors que tu n’étais encore qu’un bébé, m’ont rendu si fière de voir comme tu étais déjà si intelligente.

Bien sûr nous avons découvert très tôt, ta mère et moi, que tu étais une enfant précocement très bavarde, ce qui a provoqué beaucoup de fou rire et de gaieté dans notre vie. Quand plus tard tu as commencé à lire énormément des livres, j’ai été très fière de voir à quel point tu étais très intelligente. Ta joie de vivre et ta facilité de parler aux gens m’ont souvent fait beaucoup rire. J’ai des souvenirs vraiment drôles quand tu racontais ta vie déjà toute petite a n’importe qui tu pouvais rencontrer.

Notre vie en France était évidemment très spéciale, et tu ne t’es jamais caché avec fierté que ton papa était français et ta maman américaine, et que tu parlais les 2 langues sans aucune difficulté. Quand nous avons déménagé pour Seattle j’avoue n’avoir eu aucune inquiétude concernant ton adaptation à ta nouvelle vie.

J’ai toujours adoré ton rire quand je faisais l’idiot ou des blagues, et ta manière de tomber dans mes bras en me faisant plein de bisous m’ont toujours fait fondre. Eh oui, désolé, mais même en grandissant tu seras toujours ma petite fille.

En étant musicien, ton gout pour la musique m’a toujours rendu heureux, et plus tard j’ai été agréablement surpris de t’entendre chanter avec une si belle voix. Bon, c’est vrai que tu chantes beaucoup, le matin, l’après-midi, sous la douche, et même quelquefois j’ai été obligé pendant la nuit de te demander de dormir parce que tu chantais dans ton lit.

Quand tu as décidé de participer aux Arts Nights de l’école, j’ai tout de suite voulu participer avec toi, le premier à View Ridge était adorable, celui a Eckstein a été phénoménal. J’avoue avoir été un peu inquiet quand tu as choisi « Shallow » de Lady Gaga, et que tu ne voulais pas beaucoup répéter. Mais quand nous avons passé l’audition, ta voix m’a donné des frissons et mon inquiétude a disparu. Le soir de l’évènement j’ai tellement était fière de ta prestation qu’il n’était pas facile de cacher les larmes me monter aux yeux sous l’applaudissement de la foule.

Tu deviens une très jolie jeune fille maintenant, très intelligentes sensibles, avec bien sur beaucoup de caractère. Un peu têtu peut être. Pour finir, je voulais encore te dire à quel point je suis très fière de toi, et oui désole, même si tu grandis, tu resteras toujours ma petite fille et je t’aime très, très fort.

Owen: Name, birthday, were you named after anyone, significant
Kelly: I was born November, 18, 1974. I wasn’t named after anyone special. My parents went to Sears department store to buy a crib the day before I was born. They hadn’t chosen my name yet and they thought I was going to be a boy. They saw the name Kelly on a rack of bicycle license plates and thought it would be good for a boy or a girl.

Owen: Places lived?
Kelly: I have lived in Los Angeles, Northern California, Seattle and France. In Los Angeles, I lived in the city and in the Valley. In Northern California I lived in San Rafael and in Oakland, then I moved to Seattle. I moved to France in 2000 and lived in three different apartments in the same city, then I moved back to Seattle, with you.

Owen: Jobs worked
Kelly: My first job was as a swimming teacher and lifeguard at the YMCA. I did that for about four years, and then I worked with developmentally disabled teenagers and adults. Then I was a nanny for a while. When I went to France, I worked as a waitress and an English teacher, then I started by own job as a blogger. That helped me start working in digital marketing which is what I do now.

Owen: Passions/hobbies
Kelly: I like to read, a lot. I don’t really play solitaire anymore, because I took it off of my phone because I was spending too much time on it. I do like to play word games. I like to garden.

Owen: Family life? who do you spend time with? How did your family come to live here?
Kelly: We spend a lot of time together as a family, except it makes me sad when you spend too much time in your room. That is why I like to have dinner together with you and your brother and sister, because then I can spend time with you. We also spend time with Grandma of course. We came to Seattle because Grandma lived here and because I was sick of France. Grandma lived here because she had moved here with Uncle Paul’s father when Uncle Paul was little.

Owen: what was school like for you?
Kelly: School was easy for me, but I hated it, especially high school, which is why I dropped out of school in 11th grade. I missed having my friends with me, because my mother put me in a school that I did not want to go to. I thought the people in that school were not very smart, so I wanted to go to junior college instead. Then I dropped out of high school and took the GED and went to Valley Community College.

Owen: What were significant historical events that have shaped your life?
Kelly: Not the moon landing, because I was born in 1974. However, I do remember the Challenger exploding, when I was in elementary school. Kids all around the country were watching that when it happened. (Side note: we took a minute to watch a video of the live broadcast, and I teared up like the first time I watched it.) I remember Princess Diana dying. I remember 9/11 happening—that was right after I had moved to France and it was really frightening because I couldn’t really speak the language yet, and I wasn’t sure what was going on. I remember trying to explain the 2004 elections to my class of English students in France. I remember the 2008 elections when Obama won, and we taught Kate to say Obama!

Owen: How is the world different today than when you were younger? Did you have roads?
Kelly: Stop being snotty. There were roads when I was little too. However, we did not have phones, or computers—we had to look up directions before we drove anywhere, which is why I think I have a good sense of direction. But, we still hung out with our friends a lot and I did a lot of the same things that you do. I did a lot of swimming as a kid, and hung out with Crystal and Nancy a lot. I didn’t really spend a lot of time with my parents either.

Owen: What were you like when you were my age?
Kelly: What do you think I was like?
Owen: Kind of like Kate, but better.
Kelly: I was pretty shy, and I read a lot of books, but I was good at talking to grownups, because I spent a lot of time with them. I was really determined to do things the way that I wanted to do them, which is why I dropped out of high school, for example. I had a close group of friends that I spent a lot of time with, but I wasn’t really popular, I don’t think.

Owen: What are your values you’ve had that have changed over time?
Kelly: Nothing really. I still think it is important to do your best, and work really hard. Being smart is important to me, which is why I want you to get a good education and work your brain, because you are very smart. Being Jewish has always been important to me, but I guess that the one thing that has changed is that I didn’t used to really go to temple. Having animals is really important to me, and so is voting. So, I guess things really haven’t changed that much.

Owen: what are some of your proudest moments? Getting the new job at Microsoft and at Concur?
Kelly: Yes, getting the job at Microsoft was a very validating moment—I felt so proud to be recognized as that good in my job that someone wanted to hire me. I was also really proud to graduate college and graduate school, and I am really proud of you and your brother and your sister at so many moments. I am so proud of who you are and the person that I can see you becoming. You have worked really hard and I see how smart and funny and kind you are and I am proud of you. Now you are making me cry. Ok, now what?

Owen: How do you want people to remember you?
Kelly: I read a quote once, or a story, that said that someone wanted to have inscribed on their gravestone “They think of me and laugh” but that sounds like they are laughing at them. I want people to think of me with laughter, but I think I am too serious for that to happen. I really want you to be able to tell stories about me to your children and grandchildren. I don’t know what I want those stories to be, but I want to be remembered by the people that are important to me and the people that are important to them. I just want to make a difference in your life, and maybe be thought of as a good boss and a good friend by the people who I work with and my friends.
Owen: now you are making me cry.

Written for the memorial of Michael Rolly Thompson, held 8/25/18 at the Clark Library in Los Angeles.

Hello, and thank you all for coming.

My father loved coming to the Clark Library, as many of you know, and he would be happy to see you gathered here. He’d probably bluster and pretend that he’d rather us not talk about him, but secretly, he would have loved being the center of attention. He liked holding court, not necessarily to talk about himself, mind you, but instead to talk about various topics like books, music, books, art, books and… the book trade.

I never knew my father to be anything other than a bookseller. Some of my earliest memories are of playing behind the book cases at the very back of the store on Melrose Ave. Those memories are quickly followed by recollections of wandering through various book fairs, convincing dealers, some of you who are in this room, that your glass cases were dirty and needed to be cleaned for the very reasonable rate of a dollar.  Or two, if they were especially dirty.

I spent many a weekend at book fairs, and many more at Michael R Thompson Rare Books in each of its various locations: on Melrose, on Fairfax, on 3^rd. I’d bemoan the lack of children’s books (which I could never understand why he didn’t sell), draw pictures on legal pads, rearrange the banker’s boxes into planes or trains and read books from the only section that appealed to me—the celebrity biography. I’m not sure that 8-year-olds are supposed to know that much about Rock Hudson or Lana Turner, but it was educational and entertaining at the time.

As I grew older, I resisted the idea of working in the store in the same way that I resisted working for my mother in her letterpress printing studio, maybe with less messy results. After all, it’s a lot harder to mis-shelve books than it is to dump a composing stick full of type willy-nilly into the type drawer. For a period of time though, I had two friends who did work with him, and he, Carol, and Kathleen continued to ask about “The M’s”, as they called them, for years.

For as much time as I spent at the store or at fairs, I had a very limited understanding of the important role my father played in the antiquarian book world. I was used to hearing his stories from the perspective of being his child, preferably when they centered around or concerned me: when were we going to go home, was he talking about someone I knew, was it a book that had pretty pictures in it. It has been so moving for me to hear the stories and remembrances from other people who worked with him, who learned from him, who loved him. He considered you to be family.

Family was important to my father. He was the oldest of seven brothers, although he only grew up in the same household as four of them. Several of his younger brothers had children before I was born, all boys, and the joke around the family was that they didn’t have girls, they married them. My father loved his brothers very much, and while they didn’t always see eye to eye on everything (who does?), he relished his relationship with them and their children, many of whom were able to be with us today.

And although I never lived with him in the same city once I was married and had children, meaning that he didn’t often have the opportunity for hands-on spoiling, he loved my children, his grandchildren very much. He was so proud of them: he printed out every picture I shared of them and I recently discovered, in going through his affairs, multiple envelopes of children’s drawings that I had sent to Grandpa’s Art Archival service. I think I sent them to him as a guilt free way to get them out of my own house without throwing them away, but of course he hung on to each scribbled line drawing and messy finger painting. He delighted in hearing stories about Jonah, Owen and Kate, and spending time with them and wished only that it could have been more. For many years we lived in France, and, while he would have preferred that I had married an English man, he loved coming to visit us and getting to see France from an insider’s perspective.

Of course, France could never compare to England, in his eyes, and London was one of his favorite places to visit. He was an anglophile through and through and I know that, had he ever won the lottery, he would have moved to the UK in a heartbeat. London might have been one of his favorite far flung places to go to, but he loved to travel in North America too: Toronto, New York, Boston, Salt Lake City, Seattle, whether for work or pleasure, or both. He sent many postcards to me from some of these exotic locations (did I mention Pocatello, Idaho?) and once he started adopting email as a newfangled means of correspondence, he kept in touch with people worldwide on a regular basis. He couldn’t completely separate himself from paper, however, and in going through things at the office, I discovered that he had printed out many of his email exchanges. Reading these emails has been a delight and again, has helped me discover and rediscover his life.

Sadly, my father’s health had been declining over the past few years. The pictures that people have been sharing on Facebook and email have highlighted what it was sometimes hard to fully recognize in person. Given his many ailments over the year, and the loss of his parents and two of his brothers relatively young, I think that he, especially, was surprised to reach the ripe old age of 78.

One of the sad blessings of a long illness is that it gives people more of a chance to say goodbye. Although he had an indomitable will and knack for pulling through each new crisis, I was certainly aware that each goodbye could be the last. My husband, kids and I had the chance to spend several days with him in March, and although he was mostly unconscious the last few days of his life, he was aware of mine, his brother Steve and Steve’s wife Elaine’s, and, of course, Carol’s visits to him.

I know that he was making plans for and dreaming of just one last trip, or rather several of them: to Seattle for the October fair, to Salt Lake City, for one last library visit, to Idaho, to put flowers on the graves. He will be taking that last trip with us sometime next Spring, once the snow melts in Pocatello, to rejoin Kathleen, who we buried last May, his parents and his brothers Steve Pat and Danny, and too many of his relatives to count (the Mormons being a fruitful people).

I learned so much from my father: my love of animals (he always had at least one cat or dog at home), an appreciation for London as one of the finest places on earth (with apologies to my French husband), the conviction that museums and bookstores are a necessary and worthy place for children to spend time (as I drag my own children to one every chance I get), that we answer “finished”, not “done” when we are asked if we have completed our meal, that Latin is a fine and worthy language…for other people to speak.

Perhaps more than anything though, I knew that my father loved me, and that family and community were important to him. I want to thank you all for being here for us, for each other, and for him.

Thank you.

Other tributes

• From Heavenly Monkey
• From Rare Book Hub
• By Bruce Whiteman, for the Clark Library
• The University of Utah
• From Tavistock Books