Peanut, Peanut-lover, and the Weenuts

Two years ago

2013-07-10T10:00:00.000-04:00

Two years ago, we spontaneously decided to return to Canada to visit our family. We I don't ~~usually~~ ever do spontaneous, but this time we did because there was an unexpected property tax overpayment cheque that paid for our flights and our green cards processed faster than we had expected. As such, we were able to join Daddy on a trip that he was required to take. I'm so glad we did because this was the last time we saw my mom, well, conscious. Somewhat, mostly herself. This visit still had hope.

Enjoying the grandkids

On our last day before we headed back over the border, we got to take mom out on a day pass. We went to one of my favourite places in the whole world: Garry Point Park in Steveston, BC. The significance of the location of our last outing has only occurred to me recently and I really believe it is just another little detail that God arranged to show me that he cares.

Garry Point Park is where I went many times throughout my mom's illness to find peace. Peanut-lover and I would talk out my fears while we ate a picnic supper and breathed in the sea air. It is where Peanut-lover and I went to pray and make our decision regarding moving to Baltimore. It is where I found myself many times when I couldn't cope with the stresses of the move. And the fact that it is where we spent our last conscious playtime with mom is just one more detail in a string of details that remind me of how intricately and carefully and detailedly God loves me.

The folder that contains these pictures is hard for me to visit, because losing mom less than 2 months after this still hurts in ways that I didn't know I could hurt, but these are some precious pictures and I want to share them with you.

Miss you mama.

Mean Mommy Trick #347

2013-07-02T14:05:00.000-04:00

Typical Shopping Trip:

Me - Kids, we need to Costco.
Kids - AWWWWW, I hate going to Costco! Can't you go when daddy gets home? Whine. Complain. Are we there yet? When are we going to be done? How much more do you have to get? Why does this take so long? He's looking at me! She keeps walking where I want to walk. My legs are tired. When are we going to be home?

Today's Shopping Trip:

Me - Kids, we are almost out of toilet paper.

Kids - *disinterest*

Me - But it's ok, because we have lots of trees in the backyard - we can just use leaves.

Kids - WHAT?! *shocked faces*

Me - The only thing is that we'll have to go out and get them each time before we use the bathroom.

JJ - Even if it's an emergency??!

Me - Yes, because if the leaves dry out, they'll just crumble.

KK - *tears*

Me - Or.... *dramatic pause*

Kids - What?! What?!

Me - There's only one other thing we could do... We could go to Costco.

Kids - *jumping up and down* YES! Let's go to Costco!! PLEASE! Can we go to Costco instead?!

Me - yeah, I guess that's probably better ;)

#winwin

Little House on the Prairie and the missing chapter

2013-04-07T08:08:00.000-04:00

We have been reading through the Little House on the Prairie series with the kids for the past few months. It makes my heart so happy because it was my favourite book series when I was little. I had the whole set and as soon as I was done the last book, I'd just start back with the first one and read through the whole thing again. I must have read it 10 times.

The kids are so fascinated about life back in the day and it's pretty amazing to read about how different things were back then.

But here's my problem. They live in a one room house in the middle of the forest... or a covered wagon for weeks at a time... or a dugout beside a creek. They go for months at a time without ever seeing anyone that is not one of the five of them.

Why is there no chapter titled, "Ma loses it"?

Conversations with JJ: his turn?

2013-04-07T07:54:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, as we were getting ready for JJ's first t-ball practice, we had this conversation, which just proves how little I know about parenting this child...

JJ: Mommy, I don't know if I'll like t-ball. Last year, all the other boys kept running to get the ball before me.

Mommy: Oh sweetie, you got the ball sometimes. I remember! But you know what? This year, you will be one of the bigger boys. You are five now, but there will be lots of little boys who are four.

JJ: There will?

Mommy: Yes, and you remember how it felt to be one of the little ones, right?

JJ: Yes

Mommy: (trying for some empathy) So this time, do you think you should be like those big boys, trying to get the ball and not letting the littler kids get it?

JJ: (face lights up and relief washes over him) OH! Yes, I guess I should! (as if to say, now it's MY turn)

See? No clue. God help me :)

True confessions: holidays

2013-04-02T15:19:00.001-04:00

In the interest of keeping it real here, I have a confession to make: I suck at spring break. Or really, any deviation from our regular routines.

As much as I'd like to be one of those moms that loves holidays for all the extra time they get with their kids, let's be honest here, I'm not. I'm cranky and irritable and constantly feeling like I'm running behind. Running behind at what? I don't even know. Running behind at catching up maybe.

This is not me complaining, really. I'm just writing to process how I'm feeling, so I can make this work better next time. Or maybe even ~~tomorrow~~ Thursday.

In a normal week, I barely feel as though I'm balancing everything. On a holiday week, I still have to balance almost all the same stuff, but I also ~~have to~~ get to entertain kids who are used to having their time pretty much scheduled and full. And by someone who does it professionally.

The answer is the same as for almost any other mommy problem I have faced: I have to get ahead and stay ahead of them. I have to parent proactively instead of reactively. I know it's the answer, but how do I do it? And where do I find the energy to do it?

I guess by the time I get it all figured out, it won't be necessary anymore. They will be busy with their own lives and I will have plenty of time to catch up on my stuff. Right now, I just don't have the foresight or the energy to always stay ahead and keep ahead of them. Again, I face the fact that I just can't do this perfectly.

And so, I have to be ok with just muddling through it. I need to give myself grace to have bad ~~days~~ weeks.

(While I'm being honest here, I might as well say that I just can't find the right way to end this one. My heart is still raw from frustration at yet another day of not getting it right. This mommy thing is hard and I just want so badly to do it well. If it feels like I left it just hanging, it's because that's how it feels to me...)

Time as length

2013-03-26T12:16:00.000-04:00

Speaking of abstract concepts like time...

A couple of years ago, the kids and I invented a way for them to better understand time which worked surprisingly well for them. I thought I'd pass it along in case any if y'all have younger kids. (Actually, I'm lying. This is less about me wanting to be helpful and more about me not wanting to be perceived as loony if you see me do it!)

Time is one of those kind of abstract concepts that my kids had a tough time grasping. And I think it is even harder now that we are not always surrounded by analog clocks. JJ especially needs ways for ideas to become concrete (just imagine our conversations about God!)

I started showing them time as a measurement of length. I arbitrarily picked 1 foot as the measurement of an hour because it is easy to estimate. Then it followed that a half-hour is 6 inches, and ten minutes is 2 inches.

When they ask how long something is, I just show them the distance between my fingers. I was surprised at how quickly they caught on to it!

Now that KK is able to tell time on a clock, she doesn't need the system anymore, but JJ still uses it quite frequently.

Oh, and a side note: don't teach them how to tell time until you have to. (Spoiler alert: it happens in grade 1, sigh ;). When mama's having a bad day and just! needs! bedtime! it's a lot harder to sneak the kids into bed early once they can read the clock. Just sayin'.

Conversations with JJ: In the Kitchen

2013-03-20T08:44:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I missed out on recording two years worth of conversations with JJ. He comes up with the craziest questions and is never satisfied with a simple answer. He blows me away with how smart he is (always smarter than I think) and is only limited by his ability to communicate his ideas.

And he's funny. Ever since he was a baby, he's loved to make people laugh. One of my rewards for being his mommy is that he makes me laugh all the time. Well, not all the time. There are plenty of times when I'm very much not laughing, but let's not talk about that right now.

I love when he combines his brilliance with his funny.

JJ is also my little kitchen helper. Even as a baby he loved to sit in the kitchen and just watch me do my stuff. I found, and continue to find, that things go a lot better for everyone if I can find a way to include him in my work. (KK loves to cook with me too, but she also loves her alone time and this is one way I can get her some time to herself). Now that JJ is five, he is actually helpful. I love guiding his little hands and chatting with him as we cook.

So yesterday, we were baking bread. I decided to mess with him a little when we were measuring herbs, thyme specifically.

Me: This herb is called time. You know, like on the clock. This is what 'time' actually looks like.

JJ was fooled for a moment, confused for another moment, but then quickly realized I was joking.

We started measuring out parsley and he got a little smirk on his face.

JJ: What's this one called, mommy? Gravity?

Brilliance + funny. That's my JJ.

The walkers

2013-03-19T16:26:00.000-04:00

JJ comes out of school with an insane amount of energy, excessive even for him. He is intense, and loud, and bouncy. So bouncy.

His teacher says he is perfectly behaved in class, so I assume that he is just letting it all out once he is with me. Lucky me. And I have a wee bit of a problem with sneaking treats when the kids aren't looking. So whenever the weather is decent, we've been walking the mile home from school.

Despite this excessive amount of energy, JJ spends the entire walk whining that he's toooooooo tiiiiiiiiirrrrired. It kind of drives me crazy too, but the sunshine makes me happy, so it all evens out.

Today was a beautiful, warm day. A walking day.

We were ~~walking~~ draaaaaagggging along, with grumpy whines ringing in my ears, when I had a brilliant idea. It happens sometimes.

Me: Hey kids! Why don't you pretend you are brother and sister and you are walking home from school?!

Kids: Yeah!!!

...And off they go running, kind of like this, except this was two years ago...

... And they happily pretend to walk home, all the way home.

Well, ok then. The end.

True confessions: mommy snacks

2013-03-11T16:46:00.002-04:00

You know what's one thing I love about this house?

The kids' bedroom is on the top floor and the stairs come down right beside my kitchen. Which means that when I hear them coming down the stairs, I have just enough time to shove the ice cream carton back in the freezer before they catch me.

This one might also find itself on the list of top reasons that my weight loss has stalled...

Ramblings on my lack of fashion sense

2013-03-09T16:07:00.000-05:00

I am not fashionable. No wait, it's worse than that. I am fashion deficient. When God was making me, he considered "dresses self nicely" and then tossed it aside and chose "good at sudoku puzzles" instead.

It's fine, really. Don't be sad for me. And don't feel that you need to reassure me that I dress ok. Most of the time it doesn't bother me. I wasn't even aware of fashion until I was 18 and a cute boy pointed out that maybe I should look at what other girls were wearing (because skinny jeans weren't in anymore) (That was 1998).

Most of the time, I don't need to be fashionable anyways. I need stretchy. I need holds-up-well-to-crawling-on-the-floor. I need hides-baby-boogers-well. I need no-interesting-parts-to-yank-on. I need washable. So my wardrobe is pretty plain, but it suits me fine for now. It's only when I dress up - and by 'dress up' I mean wear jeans and something that is more than one color - that I feel a little insecure about my wardrobe. And wish I had a stylist. (So much of my life could use a stylist, sigh...)

I always wondered when would I know it was time to stop shopping in the junior section. Would I know? Would I wake up one morning and declare, "I'm a grown up" and henceforth happily shop in ladies wear? Or would I get approached by security one day, "Ma'am? (I get that a lot) I need to see some ID..."

Well, it happened... It's time.

Last weekend, I took KK out for a little shopping trip. Other than a few maternity items, I haven't shopped for new clothes for myself for two years. Our budget has been tight and I can't justify the expense and honestly, even I can tell that I'm so far gone that there's no catching up. But I had a gift certificate, so back to the junior section I went. And that's when I knew.

Nothing appealed to me. Something had happened in the two-year shopping break I took - everything went 80's.

Now, I'm not saying that 80's styles are bad. I know some of y'all can wear that stuff and look pretty rad, but I did all that already, in the 80's and ok, yes, most of the 90's (not a fashion star, remember?) and I just can't do that again.

So I looked through and found a few basic pieces I liked (read: stretchy) and headed to the cashier. But the line was really long, so I headed to the grown-up's wear department to pay and found myself looking around at all the beautiful clothing there. I didn't used to think grown-up wear suited me.

And that's when I realized... It has happened. I am officially grown up and ready to leave the junior section behind... well, for me anyways.

The littlest nut

2013-02-23T11:15:00.001-05:00

It's been so long since I was blogging regularly that the blog hasn't been introduced to our littlest nut.

Blog meet DD.

He was born at the end of May and, though we were nervous about returning to the baby stage, he has been our easiest baby to adjust to. It was like he just slid into our family and we carried on without a hiccup. I think we are a lot more settled into our roles as parents now, so it was easier this time around.

He was a challenging baby to nurse, because he is tongue-tied, but we got it figured out eventually. Now, he's a pro! Sleep was great for the first few months, but now we are having trouble getting him to sleep in his own bed. I know this time is very short though, so we are getting through it ok.

He's a pretty happy kid who spends his days banging things together, watching all the action in the house, and soaking in the love from his big bro and big sis. They are amazing with him and it is so much fun to watch him develop through their eyes.

His arms are always flapping and his legs are always kicking. He has shown little interest in getting mobile, which is perfectly fine with me - he'll be a busy little dude when he gets walking! For now, he is perfectly content to sit with a few toys and watch us all do our stuff.

He's quite a talker and though we aren't convinced that he is using words yet, he babbles, yells, sings, and growls constantly.

We are so glad that we decided to add him to our family. It is wonderful to hold another little one in my arms and he has brought so much joy into our lives!

It's time...

2013-02-20T09:07:00.001-05:00

I love coming back here from time to time to read back on our stories. I'm sad that there's a gap in our record but then I came across this post that I wrote three years ago, which made me feel better.

My goal was to focus on being mommy more. I'll never feel like I'm doing a good enough job, but as I look back over the last couple of years, I'm proud to see that I've been way more intentional about my parenting. I've been busy teaching my kids plenty of mundane, yet important life skills. Skills like cutting their own nails, doing up their seat belts, working out arguments, and wiping their own butts. (You may laugh, but seriously, that last one was a much bigger ordeal than it should've been. Back when JJ was 3, not even the fear that a bear had eaten mommy was enough to get him to wipe his own butt and get off the toilet to come check on me!)

My favorite part of the post I wrote three years ago is this:

When the kids look back on this period of time, and wonder why there aren't any stories or pictures, I hope I can say to them, it's because mommy was too busy playing with you, doing crafts, taking the time to adapt my chores so that you could help me, finding ways to involve you in preparing meals, jumping in rain puddles, making birthday cakes that you talked about for months afterward...

While I can't say I've been awesome at playing with them (anyone else find imaginative play difficult?) and we are sadly way behind on our rain puddle jumping, I have been doing crafts, adapting my chores, and including them with meal prep. The birthday cakes have been less than impressive, but we've made some pretty amazing pizzas together.

We've been working for at least 3 years teaching the kids chores. And we are finally seeing some payback. They now have a good list of chores that they are able to do on their own or with a small amount of supervision. And as a surprise bonus for me, I find myself with a small amount of free time and the desire to write again.

So after little dusting off of the blog (and it looks like we are missing a kid's picture on here!), I'll be back.

KK's flower and KK's grandma, Part II

2011-09-15T21:26:00.000-04:00

(This is part II to a blog post I wrote in June about how KK's grandma flower mirrored what her grandma was going through. Go here to read it again and the rest of this post will make more sense.)

In July, we quite spontaneously decided to join Peanut-lover on his required trip back to Canada. My mom was still in the hospital recovering from her bone marrow transplant and I was eager to spend some time with her.

When we returned home to Baltimore, I noticed two things about KK's flower. First, her flower was dying, and second, JJ's flower had planted a seed right beside it in KK's pot. So we had a baby marigold growing beside a dying pansy.

It really really bothered me.

It also really bothered me that I let the dying plant affect me so much. It was just a plant, but I couldn't help but fear that the mirroring of my mom's recovery that I had recognized earlier was continuing in what I was seeing in that pot.

I tried to save that pansy, but it just kept getting weaker until not even the stake would hold it up.

(tears)

At 12:13 pm, Tuesday Aug 23, I got the call that turned my world upside down. Mom had developed incurable complications from her bone marrow transplant and we needed to get there as fast as we could. She was not expected to last the night.

We made it to her side at 3 am the next morning, after 18 hrs of agony, wailing, pleading with God, and fearing we wouldn't make it in time.

Mom defied the doctor's prediction and made it through that night and 3 more nights, surrounded and cared for by her family.

At 12:48 am Sunday Aug 28, mama left us. My brother, her husband and I were at her side when she took her last peaceful breath.

My brother and I, supporting each other through the hardest thing we've ever endured

Visiting mama's grave for the first time

Words can't adequately capture what the past 3 weeks have been like for me. It hasn't been pretty... but that is not what this story is about.

To be honest, I have had a really hard time being able to see through my all-surpassing grief to rejoice for her new life - free of suffering, sorrow and pain. I know it is true that she is experiencing wonders none of us could even imagine, but it is not something I have been able to focus my thoughts on for comfort or to aid in my healing.

But God is good. And God loves me. Even when I don't like or understand his ways. He has given me a reminder to keep me moving forward in the right direction.

Meet KK's grandma flower #2:

- a new body, blooming with vibrant colors,

strong enough to stand on its own.

Just like you now, mama.

KK's flower and KK's grandma

2011-06-23T13:21:00.000-04:00

I know I owe a huge update... there are so many amazing stories that have come with this move to Baltimore. This is just one of them.

KK and her Grandma

Most of you know that my mom has leukemia and had a stem cell transplant in April. She came out to see us in March, just before she was hospitalized. We were in the process of getting the garden started, so she bought the kids each an egg pot with flower seeds inside.

JJ's marigold grew one plant quickly. KK's was a few days behind, but soon we saw five little pansies pushing their way up through the soil. The kids were so excited to see the changes in their little plants each day!

At the same time, my mom was preparing for her transplant and her health was constantly on my mind, and in the kids' prayers. I was surprised to find myself ultra-sensitive about anything having to do with my mom.

Just before my mom was to have her transplant, Peanut-lover found me bawling at the kitchen sink. While closing my window, I had knocked KK's flower pot into the sink, where it had shattered. Since this was a gift from my mom, I completely fell apart when I broke it.

I managed to find one little seedling in the sink that looked like it had a chance, and replanted it. But I didn't tell my little girl for a few days. I just hoped.

When I finally told KK what had happened, she was a little upset, but it looked like the little plant had a chance at survival, so she wasn't too concerned.

Though the stem of that little plant was broken, it somehow managed to survive.

KK's surving pansy

It didn't take KK long to see that her brother's flower was way ahead of her little broken flower. She tried to be happy for him when we found the first marigold bud, but I could see the disappointment when she looked at her little flower. It was still just a bent stem with a couple of leaves.

JJ's first marigold bud

So I told her that her little flower was like Grandma. Just as Grandma was broken and needed doctors to help her get better, her flower had been broken, but we rescued it and took care of it. Though its recovery would be slow, one day, her little flower would bloom. Just like Grandma.

Soon, instead of being jealous of her brother's marigold and its many blooms, she excitedly watched to see what would happen with her little flower.

Excited to see that her flower is growing!

This is as close as JJ would get to posing with his marigold

Earlier this week, I called her out to the deck:

Examining her pansy

To see this:

First pansy bud!

KK's Grandma flower was ready to bloom!

And now:

But because this little flower was broken, it wants to grow like this:

So, just like Grandma, we give it a little support. And in its own time, it has bloomed.

Soon, Grandma will too.

Conversations with JJ: Theological discussion I never thought I'd have

2011-01-29T10:29:00.000-05:00

I know I totally need to write an update, but I've been sick since the beginning of November (yep 3 months!) so the whole idea ~~kinda~~ ~~sorta~~ really super duper overwhelms me right now. We moved to Baltimore. I'll tell you more later.

But for now...

A theological discussion I never thought I'd have:

Oh, but first, a little background....

JJ really likes bathroom, uh, stuff. And talking about it. His answer to most questions is "poop". A recent discussion with daddy for example:

JJ: Daddy, why people not like pee or poop?

Daddy: Well, they're kind of gross, buddy! People don't really like to talk about them.

JJ: Oh. But I really like them. I like talk about them.

So, consider yourself warned.....

JJ: Mommy, does Jesus poop?

Mommy: Um, well yes, he did when he was a man.

JJ: But he not now because he's a girl?

Mommy: Well no. He doesn't now because he's a spirit. He doesn't have a body anymore.

JJ (*confused look* which yeah, I totally get): Oh. Where was his potty?...

...and continue potty questions ad infinitum.

Peanut-lover may face some pretty intense theological questions in his role as a scientist, but nothing like what I face right here at home ;)

Birthday requests from JJ

2010-11-02T21:04:00.000-04:00

JJ has followed in his sister's footsteps in asking for, well, unusual gifts. Remember what she wanted for her birthday last year? And for Christmas the year before?

Well, there's been a lot of birthday talk around here lately because someone is turning five tomorrow. JJ thought he'd submit his requests early.

He wants Spiderman, Spiderman and Mickey Mouse stickers, a rock, part of a dead flower...

(are you writing this down?)

... and a cloud.

Duly noted.

How our home got sold

2010-11-01T10:37:00.000-04:00

As soon as we decided to move to Baltimore, we started prepping our home to sell. Though we aren't moving until January, the timing was best to do the renos in August and we wanted to get it on the market before the dead period in the winter.

Our dads both came for a few days to put in laminate floors, moldings, paint, update the fireplace, and give Peanut-lover some basic education in electricity (heh heh). Me and the kids took off for a few days to visit my brother and his family and came back to a nearly finished home.

I expected to be excited when I walked in.

Instead I found myself in tears. For some reason, the grieving process of this move sneaks up on me and gets me when I least expect it.

We spent a few more weekends packing anything that could be deemed extra and putting it in storage, as well as updating the paint throughout. We were fortunate to have family to help us get stuff done and to watch the kids. Finally we were ready to stage.

And then it rained sideways.

And we came home to a leak in our ceiling.

Not cool.

So, the caretaker had someone make the repairs to the chimney and we hired a painter for the ceiling. And then we were ready to stage.

Now, if you don't have a realtor extraordinaire who is also your sis-in-law and can paint like nobody's business, then you really should get one. And if you're in the Fraser Valley, and seriously looking for a realtor (who incidentally could still wind up your sis-in-law if you married one of the younger siblings, and for that, you'd be really lucky because then she probably would help you paint), let me know and I'll shoot out her info to ya.

Well, our expert realtor is also gifted in home staging (so much so that I may just fly her out to decorate my home in Baltimore, because Lord knows, now that I have seen the light, I can't go back to living with my pitiful decorating skills - can I get an Amen?) She went around the family and collected stuff from everyone's homes, brought it all out and made our home look fabulous!

And then, we put that baby on the market.

We did a few showings and an open house. Lots of interest. No offers. But that was only the first week. Then we heard we were doing a showing on the following Tuesday.

Peanut-lover told me that he was pretty sure the people coming on Tuesday were the ones. I said, "Me too!"

Tuesdays are not really my favourite day. Peanut-lover works an hour's drive away, so we have to take the bus to get KK to her singing class and then to school and back. It's a long day to begin with. This particular Tuesday, I forgot my cell phone. Awesome.

Our showing was set for 5 pm, so I planned out our day to be home for 4 pm to get the place just right. Then we missed our bus. Then the next bus was delayed. Then I got home to a message that the people were going to be arriving at 4:30 instead. It was 4:13. I started crying. (Yes, tears are the answer to anything for me. But, they don't get my house clean. Can someone work on that for me?)

On the verge of panic, I kept hearing in my heart that it would be ok. That this showing wasn't in my hands. That I didn't have to make this perfect. I went back and forth between knowing that it would all be ok and freaking out at the kids for getting in my way while I whirlwind-cleaned. Oh, did I mention that JJ had accidentally drawn all over the table with permanent marker? The thing is, I was being really convicted about my need to have everything perfect, so I did my best to resist the temptation and focus on what really mattered.

I got the place to tidy, though not "wow!" and left it up to God. He's so much better at this stuff than I am anyways. I let the people in and headed down the hall. I heard their, "wow" when they opened the door. I saw their faces when they came out.

Five minutes after they departed, we got the call - they were writing up an offer.

Peanut-lover had a number in his head and we held tight to that number. After some back and forth, they came all the way up from an initial low-ball offer AND gave us the late closing-dates we wanted.

Our home is sold. There's no going back now!

Stop the presses! We have some good news!!

2010-10-28T23:42:00.000-04:00

My momma and her sisters

Well, I had another post ready to go, but that one will have to wait, because I have some good news that shouldn't have to wait for anything...

Today we found out that my mom's younger sister is a 10 out of 10 match for her for a bone marrow transplant!

This has the potential to drastically change the course of things for her as her prognosis is not very promising without it.

It's looking like February is when things will take place and she will likely be hospitalized, on protective isolation for 4-8 weeks after that. During that process, the health care team will protect her while they wipe out her faulty immune system and replace it with her sister's immune system which will hopefully start attacking her cancer cells.
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I remember watching these three sisters holding each other as they cheered their mom into eternity. Ever since that time, I have seen them cling to each other and watched as the bonds between them strengthened into some of the strongest ties I have ever seen.

I have appreciated how they each stepped up and offered a part of themself to save my mom's life. They know it won't be an easy process, but for them, there is no question that it is the right thing to do.

I know they will be supporting my mom and each other through the process.

And I think that's pretty awesome.

(Many) Conversations with JJ

2010-10-27T10:37:00.000-04:00

JJ has become quite the talker. And he's a smart little guy. He constantly finds questions that stump me, like "What does 'why' mean?" and "What does 'either' mean?" and "Why we don't need fireman when bouncy ball gets stuck?" and "Where was God before he made the world?"

If you've spent any time with a two-year-old, you know that any answer given is just followed up by another question, until we finally insert a big word and he gets distracted. For example,

Daddy: You need to eat your breakfast.

JJ: Why me need to eat?

Daddy: So you can grow up to be a big boy.

JJ: ME ALREADY IS BIG BOY! How me grow?

Daddy: Well, your cells divide and make more cells. That's called 'mitosis'.

JJ: Hey! Me eat 'my toastis' for breakfast.

Daddy: Exactly.

This little monkey is all about being a big boy. He constantly reminds me, "Me BIG boy". He won't ever let me slip and say anything about him being little.

Sunday night we spontaneously decided to go out for dinner and the waitress asked, "Do you want a highchair for your baby?" As JJ climbed into the chair we chose for him, he said, "That was RUDE! Me not baby, me BIG boy!" I was surprised that she understood him, since I've been kind of counting on the fact that not everyone can understand him, as this kid is either loud or asleep, but no, she heard him clearly and apologized appropriately ;)

JJ is such a charmer too. Whereas KK will just not do something that she's not allowed to do, he'll do it, right in front of me, while smiling charmingly at me. Sometimes it works. Hey, I never claimed to be perfect! Could you resist this face?

A while back, I wrote a post about how I was teaching KK about safety. You can find it here. Well, I've been working on the same stuff with JJ, and last week, I thought I'd check in with him to see how much he was remembering.

Mommy: JJ, what would you do if someone asked you to come to their car to see their kitty? Would you go with them?

JJ: NO!

Mommy: Good. Now what if someone picked you up and tried to take you away? What would you do?

JJ: Me would run away home and get a knife and come back and say, "You don't do that!"

(are we seeing the difference between my delicate little girl and my tough little guy here?)

Mommy: Ok, we can work on that. What if a really nice lady said she had puppies in her car and she wanted to show them to you and that your mommy said it was ok? What would you do?

JJ: I not go, but me say, "If you have candy, me come..."

Obviously, I need to keep a close eye on this one. And possibly feed him more candy.

What the heck happened in Baltimore?

2010-10-25T10:06:00.000-04:00

You might remember, about a year ago, I mentioned we were thinking about moving to Baltimore. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not that important. Go read about it here ;)

Over the past year, we went back and forth about the whole idea, finally settling on being 95% sure we were definitely NOT going to Baltimore. But everyone that we look to for wisdom said we should just go for the interview, just to get rid of that last 5% of doubt and that we'd know for sure either way once we went there. We were more than ready to close off that last 5% and settle into a comfortable life.

Approaching the trip, I was mostly excited. We were definitely NOT moving there (95% sure) and we were getting a whole 4 days without the weenuts! Peanut-lover was stressed - he had a lot to do on the trip. But I was ready for fun.

Then we got there.

We had decided to go on the trip with open hearts, willing to really assess whether Baltimore could be our home. Though pretty certain we were NOT going there, we wanted to be sure we had explored the option as completely as possible.

So when we landed and drove through the city in the middle of the night, it all really hit me. I looked around at all the buildings and recognized NOTHING. Not a bank name, grocery store, gas station... nothing was the same.

The first few days there, I was shocked to face so much emotion. I spent hours in my bible, seeking solace and wisdom... finding solace and wisdom. Over and over I found verses that related to what I was going through. I wish I had been journaling at the time because I can't remember all the details now.

One thing I do remember was reading in Leviticus about how the Tabernacle was to be built. It struck me that the building, maintaining and transporting of the Tabernacle was a ton of work. When Peanut-lover came in, I went to remark to him about this and it hit me that God's work is a lot of work. And that yes, Balimore would be a lot of work, but that didn't mean it was something to avoid.

For the first two days there, we explored the city and checked out neighborhoods. The food was delicious, the homes were so interesting, the university was awe-inspiring, the weather was hot and humid. I cried a lot.

On the third day there, Peanut-lover had his interview and spent the day with the lab at Johns Hopkins. Afterwards, he picked me up and took me to join the lab for dinner. Between the time we left the hotel and arrived at the restaurant, something in me had changed. I remember waiting for everyone else to arrive and saying to Peanut-lover, "Let's just do it. Let's just jump in with both feet." That night was our last night in the city and we stayed up so late looking at Baltimore with new eyes, like it might be our new home.

We prayerfully considered it over the next week or so. On the night we finalized our decision, the two of us went out to our favourite beach to talk, read our bible and pray. It felt like God was speaking to us over and over through what we were reading in the bible. All kinds of stuff about how we need to use the gifts that we have. So we decided to go.

One last issue remained and that was my mom's health. I couldn't imagine leaving her when she was unwell. At that time, she had made a remarkable recovery from the set-backs in the Spring and early Summer. I felt like it was a step of faith in terms of me trusting God with her life, for me to follow His leading to Baltimore.

But in the fall, things changed. My mom is quite ill right now, struggling through intense chemo and approaching a bone-marrow transplant which will be a very difficult time for her.

I can't understand why God would ask me to leave during her hardest days.

I just can't. It doesn't make any sense.

But my God is so faithful. He meets me right where I am. I read in Joshua, just a few days ago, about how the Israelites had to cross the Jordan River to get into Canaan (the Promised Land). God didn't have them cross when it was easy, He had them cross in Spring, when the river was overflowing its banks. It was then that they needed a miracle and He gave them a miracle. He made the river stop so that they could cross on dry land. He had them cross when it was hardest so that he could demonstrate his power.

I feel that he is asking me to cross when it is hardest, and I trust that I will see him demonstrate his power.

And so... we are packing up the nutty household and moving to Baltimore... and clinging to God every step of the way.

I don't value busyness, so why am I so BUSY?!?!

2010-10-24T05:50:00.000-04:00

Last night I looked at my blog and noticed it was more than a little dusty. Which is sad, because I sure could have used some journalling over the last few months.

Let me quickly catch you up.

Since the beginning of August, we have:
1. Decided to move to a different country
2. Renovated our home
3. Sold our home
4. Freaked out numerous times about #1-3
5. Started our firstborn in school
6. Supported my mom through intense chemo and difficult health decisions

And there's more...

During this same time, Peanut-lover has also finished and defended his doctoral dissertion, published his research in a major scientific journal, and started lecturing first year biology students.

We are not the type that equate busyness with success. Ok, yes we CAN be, but we actively fight the urge to equate busyness with success. No matter how hard we try not to be busy, it always finds us.

And that's why I haven't been blogging.

I've got some writing to do, don't I?

Another example of how parenting teaches me about God

2010-07-16T19:34:00.000-04:00

Parenting teaches me so much about God as father. I was reminded about how God deals with his children once again this week while putting away laundry.

I called JJ to come hang up his shirts and told him that if he came right away, I would help him do it. (Hanging shirts is a new skill that JJ and I are working really hard on. Having a four-year-old that hangs up all her clothes helps keep me motivated that eventually we will be successful!)

JJ decided not to come right away, preferring to play with his lego instead.

When I told him that he'd have to hang up his shirts by himself, he came into his room and started crying that it was too hard. He sat there for a few minutes, trying to figure it out, but very frustrated, tears streaming down his cheeks. Suffering... from a two-year-old's perspective.

I told him that I just wanted him to try and though I kept feeling the urge to bail him out and help him through it, I had a hope that he'd get it himself, so I let him suffer through the frustration...

...until suddenly... he'd done it!

He ran out to daddy to show him what he'd done and then did the other shirt himself.
-----------------------------------
It's no secret that my family has been going through our share of suffering, relating to my mom's health, over the past nearly three months.

In short synopsis, mom had an urgent achilles tendon repair done, which reopened 5 weeks later. To repair that, she had to have a free-flap transfer to cover the open wound. In her case, the free-flap transfer meant they took a chunk of tissue from her upper arm and reattached it to her ankle. That was followed by a readmission for severe dehydration and pain, and just recently, another readmission for a severe lung infection. All this in the context of the fact that she has advanced leukemia.

Her ability to fight infection is very compromised, so just when she starts to feel a little better and like she might be able to start re-learning how to walk on her leg, she gets another infection. It is very defeating.

It's been a long three months, with lots of crisis moments, prioritizing, reprioritizing, crying together, talking about the future, considering our fears... you name it. Suffering... from this family's perspective.

Now, suffering doesn't necessarily come from God. In JJ's case, his suffering was related to his choice to continue playing instead of coming when I asked him to come. Suffering isn't necessarily always related to our choices though. There is a lot of suffering that we just aren't going to be able to understand on this side of eternity. Mom's suffering is one of those cases.

Lots of us question why God allows suffering. I can't explain it all. But I do know that God uses every hardship in our lives to shape us and teach us. And, just like I knew better than to bail JJ out of his momentary suffering, God knows better than to bail us out of ours.

The thing is, God is a perfect parent. Sometimes, I get irritated waiting for my kids to attain a skill, or I fail and bail them out of doing something hard, but God doesn't parent like that.

I love one of the conversations in the book, "The Shack". The main character is talking about failure, and asking if God gets frustrated with us when we fail. And God responds that, since he is omniscient, he knows that it's going to take us 48 times before we get it right. So after the first failure, He's so excited because He knows it's only 47 more times before we succeed!

God doesn't let any suffering or hardship go to waste. (Although, some of it is definitely going to MY waist, if you know what I mean!) He lets us work through the suffering, though he remains with us and coaches us through it, so that we will come out the end of it having learned something...

... like how to balance life's demands when mom is sick...

... and like how to hang our shirts up on a hanger.

Conversations with JJ: talk, talk, talk!

2010-06-27T19:38:00.000-04:00

JJ's become quite the talker suddenly. He cracks me up all the time. He's taken to calling everyone "baby", but since he oozes cool, he pronounces it "baybay".

Mommy: JJ, why did you just hit KK?

JJ: 'Cause me want to, baby!

If you're thinking it must be hard to correct him when he's so darn cute, you'd be right. Fortunately, I'm quite aware that parenting is not supposed to be easy!

The other night, he snuck out of bed and saw me working on Daddy's computer.

JJ: *big charming smile* Why you work Daddy's 'puter mommy?

Mommy: I'm just helping daddy with some work.

JJ: Why you not daddy yet, mommy?

Mommy: Not a daddy yet? JJ, a daddy is not the next level after a mommy...

JJ: Mommy, s'ok. You be big like daddy sometime.

Another night, I was lying in bed and JJ kept asking me the same question over and over:

JJ: Mommy why you wearing pants?

Mommy: I always wear pants.

After the fourth or fifth time, I decided to ask him silly questions to see if I could get him to change the subject.

Mommy: JJ, why are you wearing JJ?

JJ: *big sigh* I no know, mommy. People like look at me, I guess.

Comfort items

2010-04-22T16:17:00.000-04:00

Both my kids have their comfort items. That special thing they need to calm them when they are sleepy or upset.

JJ's is his blankie. It's a knitted blanket that my Grandma actually made for KK, and somehow JJ got really attached to. Now we don't go anywhere without it. He can be instantly calmed just on the sight of his blankie. You can see the change in him the moment he recognizes it. It's almost like the blankie is a person the way he interacts with it (him? her?).

When I realized he was attached to this blankie, I asked my Grandma to make up a smaller version of it for us to carry around with us. It gets a little challenging to bring a crib-sized blankie everywhere we go. But he instantly rejected the "mini-blankie" so his large blankie gets dragged everywhere.

Washing his blankie is 45 minutes of intense stress for the little guy and requires mommy to be extra creative with play until we hear the magic sound of the dryer buzzer.

KK's comfort item, however, is always with me. I can't forget it anywhere. It gets cleaned once-a-day whether I plan it or not. She can find it in her sleep, although she must come to our room to get it.

What is this comfort item?

My belly button, or "button tummy", of course. For nearly three years now, she has comforted herself by rubbing and poking my belly button. Before she can go to sleep at night, she must let each finger spend some time with my belly button. If she gets injured or has her feelings hurt, my belly button can fix the pain.

It's magic like that, sigh...

Of boys and men

2010-04-21T13:18:00.000-04:00

One of the things that I love about having a son, is that he helps me understand my husband.

One of the things that I love about having a husband, is that he helps me understand my son.

JJ is two. He is learning that he is under authority. He doesn't like learning that he is under authority. When we hit a situation where he and I are in a stand-off (it happens) (did I mention he's two?), sometimes I just have to lay down the law. I have to pull out my parent card. My way or the highway.

He don't like it much.

But I've noticed something that helps a lot. And I probably wouldn't have noticed it as soon, if it weren't for having noticed it also in my husband about a year ago.

He needs privacy to accept that he has failed, or made a mistake, or needs to concede.

One of our battles as women is our need to control. It is part of our curse from the fall. It is a heart issue that only God can fix in us. One of men's battles is pride. It too is a heart issue that only God can fix in them.

Since only God can fix the pride, then I have to let go of the control, and walk away. Give him the privacy he needs to let God fix his heart.

If Peanut-lover has made a mistake (it's happened once or twice), he knows it. It doesn't help if I get in his face and remind him about it and tell him he needs to change. I've tried it. Not helpful at all. He needs privacy. That's it. Walk away.

When JJ refuses to concede, we could remain in a stand-off until one of us tires, but the issue won't get dealt with. If I lay down the law (you can have your snack once you get your jammies on) and then walk away, every single time, he concedes.

Humility is hard.

We can model humility by admitting to our kids when we have made mistakes (one thing that my dad always did, which I really respected). But ultimately, only God can change our hearts.

If I can step out, I get out of God's way, and he fixes both our hearts. That's what he's in the business of doing.