Hopefully this one will take.
When last we met it was weigh in week 3 and I was down a nice little chunk o’ change. Nothing astronomical but I was happy with it. I believe I was hovering right at 237 lbs.
Weigh In #4
I lost just about a pound and a half so that makes me happy. I am always worried mid week that I’m not ‘doing enough.’ That comes from the ego-centered part of my brain that doesn’t want to look bad on the blog…or anywhere else for that matter. The age old, junior high fear of people not thinking I’m nice enough or awesome enough or pretty enough and not wanting me to eat lunch with them (haha) rears its ugly, vain head weekly. It really does. Usually on Wednesdays. That’s when I start to freak out and beat myself up about what I did or didn’t do, what I ate or how often I let “I’m tired” trump “I’m motivated.”
I won’t bore you with a detailed list of my activities. My daily repertoire has been spelled out in other places on this blog and they are all things I chose to engage in so I can’t cry “EXCUSE” when I am the master scheduler, shopper, driver and parent. It does get crazy but that’s my own doing. I like to think I am building a fortified foundation on my 5 yr plan and this is just what it takes. If not, well, I figure at this pace in 5 yrs I’ll be 7/8th of the way to bonkers and by the time I realize I’m wrong I will be blissfully psychotic with a nice, snug jacket that hugs me back and it won’t really matter anyway.
But when I do get that itch to prove myself to people who may or may not give a hoot one way or another how much I weigh I can’t help but think about a saying I saw lurking somewhere in the depths of the internet (which I promptly posted on my Facebook page…so it must have been genius…I mean, I put it on Facebook!):
Never make decisions based on the opinions of people who won’t have to deal with the consequences of that decision.
Can I get an Amen? I’d call that a Maxim for Life if I’ve ever heard one.
Weigh In #5
Yep, that would be a gain of almost 5 lbs since last week. Am I disappointed? Sure, no one wants to see their progress move backwards. Am I worried? NO! You see, this is that special time of the month for those ladies of child bearing age when it is not uncommon to gain 5-6 pounds for no real reason, freak out because everyone is just suddenly soooo mean and stupid, peanut butter and chocolate becomes a food group and we cry over Hallmark commercials. It’s a magical time, it really is.
Just to be sure it really is sloshy water weigh and not a spontaneous outbreak of fat cells I did some measurements and compared them to the measurements I took on my second blog entry for this series.
Here are the results:
Beginning Current
Chest 46.5 45.5 (-1.0)
Waist 47.0 45.5 (-1.5)
Hips 50.5 51.5 (+1.5)
Thigh 28.5 27.0 (-1.5)
Bicep 15.0 14.5 (-0.5)
My body got smaller in all measured areas EXCEPT the hip/lower stomach area which went up. I didn’t need a tape measurer to tell me that, I have a pair of jeans that groaned with discontent every time I tried to sit, bend or, well…breathe, really. It really is frustrating to see a number go up but that is why I took measurements in the beginning. I knew at some point the scale would become disagreeable in some way so I would need a different means to measure progress. I have toyed with the idea of investing in some kind of Omron or other Bioelectrical Impedance device that sense a little current through your stuffings and guts to tell you how much of it is favorable and how much of it is goo and lard, however, not even those devices are 100% accurate. Most of us prefer to weigh in first thing in the morning while naked, dehydrated and fully exhaled at our physical lightest. That condition will not give an accurate body fat composition reading because you must be adequately hydrated to get a true result. For now I will save my coins and keep the measuring tape handy.
So what is in store for the week to come? I dunno. More Insanity (the lifestyle kind, not the Beach Body workout kind) but probably a lot more lessons on life and humanity, I’m sure. I plan to keep becoming more and more conscious of what I eat and how much I sit compared to how much I move, however I know the weeks to come are fundamental crunch weeks…end of school year for my son, transitioning ‘part time’ gigs into a more mainstream gig and hopefully, before the end of the year, becoming a full time gig to replace my current full time job.
All I can do is the best I can do. We’ll see what happens, won’t we?
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I can honestly say I was surprised when I stepped on the scale Saturday morning. If you read last week's post you know I was sick and I was pretty sure half that 'loss' was actually water loss and dehydration. I expected to level out this week, hoping to lose a pound or so. I actually checked my weight on Wednesday, just to see if I was right. On Wednesday I was actually UP to 243 and some change so I wasn't expecting a lot by the end of the week. I just kept chugging along, did a better job making good choices, drinking the water, getting in a few walks after work, trying to get as much sleep as possible without stressing out about what I didn't get done in a day. Now, the human body's weigh can fluctuate a few pounds here and there depending on what's happening within the body. Water retention, not enough fiber, time of the month, etc can all play a part in making the numbers go up and down. I tried to take it in stride and not stress out about it but honestly I was a little disappointed and also, I will admit, worried about looking like a schmuck when I logged on to report the progress.
Fast forward to Saturday morning...I am on the scale uttering expletives of delight I cannot repeat here. This is a family show, my friends. As thrilled as I was I had to wonder, "How??" So I went back to my daily weight loss journal and started trying to make sense of it.
About a month ago I had the deliriously-good fortune of scoring a FREE iPad in an incentive program through one of my many 'jobs' and I have been completely App Happy (free apps, of course) since it finally got here last week. I have been using MyFitnessPal to track calories and workouts. It's a nifty little tool. I honestly was more concerned with being able to just see what I ate in a day and whether or not I was habitually consuming empty calories on certain days or certain meals. You know, looking for patterns and stuff. I stuck to their caloric intake recommendations for the most part, going over 2 days but not by much. While I AM concerned with weight loss I am also concerned with looking for my own self-defeating patterns and trying to understand and correct them.
According to my little App I should have lost less than a pound. I lost 2.8 lbs. Not complaining! I just really want to repeat those results...like...every week. I know that when I stepped on the scale Wednesday and was up I really made more of an effort to clean up what I'm eating. I stayed away from the processed stuff and the super carby stuff that didn't offering benefits other than shallow emotional comfort. Water water water. I drink round-about a gallon a day since I sweat and move around at my full time job. This week wasn't much different from last week, nutritionally speaking. One thing I did do differently was I added in some virgin coconut oil.
I have read about its ability to do great things inside the body since it is a medium-chain saturated fat that doesn't have the same detrimental effects on the body that other forms of fat have. The science of it is interesting and abundant. Google it, see for yourself and draw your own conclusions. I had been using the coconut oil in tea when I was sick the previous week because it also has a lot of detoxifying and drawing properties. When I reviewed my food choices on Wednesday, after seeing I was up a few pounds and wanted to make the 2nd half of the week better, I decided to add in some coconut oil each day to boost my 'healthy fat' consumption. What I wanted was avacados but I couldn't justify spending money on an item when I already had an acceptable alternative on hand. I haven't been measuring how much I take, I just scoop some out of the jar 1 or 2 times a day, maybe half of a regular spoon, stick it in my mouth and wash it down with a beverage. It actually tastes really good but the texture of it can get to me if I don't wash it down fast enough. Please keep your jokes to yourself. Like I said, this is a family show!
I don't know if the coconut oil is the miracle cure. I did shy away from processed stuff but I'm not perfect at this yet. I'm still leaning on my crutches here and there, so to speak, but less and less these days. Maybe it was a combination of the 2 things. From where I am sitting, I think I'm only kinda half-a$$ing this thing. I mean, comparatively speaking, I am not training at the gym or huffing my way through Insanity. The idea to do so crossed my mind but I know myself all too well. I go peddle-to-the-metal in the beginning of something, have a great honeymoon period with it and then promptly a) burn out, b)hurt myself or c) all of the above. I'm looking for real lifestyle changes here.
What I DO know is that in the coming week I am going to continue to stay away from processed items and flour based foods. I will continue daily doses of coconut oil. I will continue to walk. I spent 2 hours out walking today and I was amazed that I took the hills (Big hills, not speed bumps) as well as I did. I have the sunburn to prove it. It wasn't just for calories burning purposes, it was also to reconnect with nature and really do some thinking. I mused to myself as to whether the oil I've been eating would seep out of my pores with my sweat and make me smell like bacon frying in the sun. It didn't.
We shall see next Saturday what happens. What I know right now is that I have hope. I have hope that things will end up OK no matter what the week brings. How can you not have hope when the sun is shining and the breeze is rocking the pink roses back and forth outside the window? My life has been changing in great ways in the past 6 months. I'll figure out a way to make improved health one of those great changes.
*For some reason I don't always see the comments. I see a notice that I have some but then can't see them when I log in. If I don't answer you please don't be offended! The site was having some technical difficulties this past week.
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I feel a little guilty sitting inside on the computer on a glorious sunny Saturday, but I was too stoked about my weigh in to wait until later to post. I have lost 4.6 lbs in one week! Now, to give credit where credit is due I took an unplanned deviation from my preliminary weekly goals and embarked on the always effective but never anticipated Stomach Flu Diet. I hear you laughing...you know what I mean! You can't tell me, especially you ladies out there, that in the stomach grinding grips of abdominal pain that puts Lamaze breathing to a second good use, even as you are trapped in the bathroom wishing you had had the foresight to grab a book in your sprint to the john, the thoughts, "I bet I lost a few pounds" didn't amble through your brain!
I would love to take all credit and say this was all me, all muscle, all planning and execution but a good 2 pounds of that total was from the latest 'dacycare pandemic' sweeping my place of employment. Not only did I have a 'stomach thing' I was also blessed with a 'sinus thing' that render food just absolutely unenjoyable for the better part of a week.
When I did eat, I most certainly paid attention to what I ate. I have been reading a blog by a figure competitor named Allison Moyer. Not just because she is a professional figure model and personal trainer but also because she and I had a writing class together at Millersville University. She has been very successful and dedicated to her goals and knowing her even a little bit beyond 'the face on the blog' makes her advice and story even more inspiring. She is a Paleo Athlete, meaning she follows the Paleo nutrition lifestyle, most of her nutrition coming from foods that would have been available to the hunters and gatherers...you know, before the Agricultural and Industrial Revolutions created mass produced foods, drive-thrus and GMO seeds. Like me, she also has a weak spot for Starbucks. (So I don't feel quite so bad imbibing in a $4 decaf iced Americano once in a blue moon.) I am shaky on the specifics because I am only beginning to do my own research on the Paleo topic but so far I like what I hear. I am currently reading The Paleo Solution by Rob Wolf. It's informative and amusing.
For the record, I have done plenty of 'diets' and currently don't recommend doing them, however I think the research done by the individuals promoting those crazy diets brings some valuable ideas to the table. There are elements of truth in most of them that can be used in balance with one another to create a better way of eating. I like the way Paleo plans emphasis whole, real foods. I know through tiral and error that I feel better when I eat lean proteins and minimize processed foods. I know that I don't have Celiac's Disease but I do feel 100% better when abstaining from wheat-based products (when I have the mental where-with-all to do so). Thankfully, my son loves meat and fruit and is willing to try new vegetables here and there so I don't feel like I have to do a whole lot of dietary reprogramming with him. I will never tell him he can't have bread or sugar. I know from personal experience that telling some kids they can't have sugar tends to make them eat a lot of it when the parents aren't around and they can get their hands on it. I remember all too well back in my elementary school days snitching candy bars we were supposed to sell for a school fund raiser, trying desperately to scrounge change from around the house so I could take a chocolate bar to where my mom wouldn't see me eating it. The taboo made it even more irresistible, at least for me anyway. I can't speak for everyone else.
My initial plan for the week was to eat a clean, detoxing array of foods and get in at least 3 rounds of intentional activity. I ate pretty well most of the week since the sensory impact of food was tempered by the inability to smell and taste it for the most part. Since I knew most of what went in wasn't going to 'stay in' for long it was much easier to make a better choice. No point in spending money at a drive thru for some taboo/indulgance that was pretty much gonna come right back out. Throwing dollar bills in the toilet and flushing it would generate the exact same result. I DID get in 2 decent walks, once the worst of the illness abated and the rain cleared up. I know a lot of no-excuse exercise purists would have been out in the rain, hacking it up, getting it in but hey, I have a kid to raise so sometimes, less is more. I am very lucky to work on a campus that has beautiful walking trails away from roads and judgemental lookie-loos (more on that topic when I write about why I hate the gym). That makes taking a brisk walk easier and more appealing.
I did build a cheat day into my plan, knowing that sooner or later time constraints would get the better of me. My cheat day was actually yesterday, I didn't mean for it to be the day before the weigh in but that is just how the proverbial cookie crumbled. And I didn't do a half-assed cheat day either. It was Subway for lunch (courtesy of Teacher Appreciation Week at work) and Pizza Hut for dinner, with a Starbucks run thrown in for good measure. For the record, my standard drink order in any coffee situation is coffee with cream, no sugar. Only rarely will I deviate and get a mocha or a macchiato but only rarely. I like coffee for coffee's sake and I have recently switched to decaf in as many situations as possible. 90% of what I drink in a day is water, either plain or with lemon. I read a blog that used the term Candy Cigarettes in relation to diet beverages and foods that contain bastardized sugar substitutes that are just as harmful as too much sugar. What a great way to think about it! Most of the time, I stick to plain old H20, it's just easier that way.
How did I feel after my cheat day? Kinda heavy and crappy, actually, and I worried about what it would do to the scale. I worried but only for a minute or two. Stressing about dieting is counter productive, releasing hormones that retain fat stores on the body. So I ate it, felt the weight of it on my body and on my mind, then I got over it. What did I crave this morning? Omega 3 eggs with fresh pineapple and water. Oh yeah, it was good. Part of me still longs for processed psuedo-comfort foods but the higher parts of my cognitive structure have changed significantly enough to see the craving for what it is it can usually make a better choice and move through it. On the occasions I DO cave and eat the crud my immediate reaction is always, "Well that wasn't worth it" and I move on. I'm getting pretty good at moving on.
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Thankfully, I have been plugging away at this monumental task for literally a decade, succeeding and failing over and over again. I say thankfully because I learned something about not only myself but the people around me each and every time. It is said that it took Thomas Edison 10,000 tries to create a better lightbulb. YES, I did just audaciously compare myself to a genius. If you, out there in clicky blog land, have successfully and permanently lost hundreds of pounds your first whack at it and kept it off please do us all a favor and write a book about it. Seriously, I will buy it, read it and promote it here.
No matter what we do in life it all boils down to choices. I take responsibiliy for every morself that went into my mouth. I am to blame for every missed opportunity to better myself. There are no excuses. Eventually, when I repeatedly failed at changing the outside, I had to start looking at the inside, both physically and emotionally. For the record, I went to my doctor last summer and talked to him about my concerns and asked that he rule out any potential physical issues. My blood tests came back fairly normal (yeah, I laughed too) only showing a slightly low red blood cell count. At the time I was working 3rd shift so it was nothing a vitamin and some time in the sun wouldn't put to right. He also ordered an ultrasound to check for PCOS. My ovaries were quite photogenic and according to the good doctor, seemingly in order. That was great news. My mother suffered from fibroids that resulted in a hysterectomy in her early 40s. While I was secretly frustrated that there wasn't an 'easy' answer why I have been unsuccessful I was greatly relieved that I had not done any serious, irreversable damage to my body. I am not diabetic, no need for medication, my various pressures and levels are all in good shape. That's amazing. I have been 100+ pounds overweight for a very long time and to know that I have not accumulated serious, obvious internal damage is a testament to the miracle of the human body and its incredible drive to heal itself.
I admit to putting my health on the back burner when, you know, Life happens. I see other people, other mothers, other single mothers, keeping it much more together than even my best efforts. Even I don't always understand why, when I clearly know better, I have choosen not to do better, consciously or otherwise. How many times have all of us in this fight stared down the business end of a double-barrel fudgesicle and knowingly pulled the trigger, knowing the binge will follow, knowing the regret and self-loathing will rear its nastly little head? I can tell you for sure that having fat as a layer of protection is something I am quite aware of. I am absolutely creating distance. Even this blog is a form of distance. It allows me to be here without being fully here. Writing is also a form of catharsis, allowing me to see what's inside my head so I can sort it all out and decide what to keep and what to file away. So it's sort of a win/win scenario. I get to begin to heal the wound without getting the crutches kicked out from under me.
I will also be honest that this week, nutritionally speaking, was difficult for me. The very act of hanging my dirty laundry on the cyber washline is both necessary for my personal growth and utterly terrifying. I want to be liked but the ugly truth will always bring out a comment I don't like or a reality I don't want to have to face. I am intentionally embarassing myself and praying to God that someone somewhere reads this and doesn't feel so desperatley alone and discouraged. I was in Giant on Wednesday when a sweet elderly woman stopped me and wanted to know when my baby is due. Yeah, um, I'm not pregnant. She really wasn't being nasty and was clearly as embarassed as I was. My initial reaction was to crawl in a hole. But I believe in a Universal Consciousness (add your personal label for it here) and I believe that Consciousness sends us increasingly less subtle messages along the way. I decided that the best way to think about it was that The Powers That Be were saying, "You talked the big talk, kid, make it look like you meant it!" It also forced me to dig up an old, persistant memory and finally release it. My self-consiousness about my weight which culminated in an eating disorder stemmed from a comment form my mom when I was 10 or so. She snapped at me one day to 'suck in my gut because I looked pregnant.' I can tell you every detail of that moment, from what I was wearing to the sounds in the air. I do not tell you that as a sob story, I am NOT looking for sympathy or pity. I only include the information because it was paramount to the way I began to see myself and holding onto that moment, the emotions and subsequent misdirected pain and anger was a large counterbalance in the 'choice making mechanisms' in my little old brain. I can no longer judge my mom for hurting me in that moment. I'm sure my son has plenty of choice bits to take to therapy with him already. Iyanla Vanzant said something on an episode of Oprah's Lifeclass that struck me. I didin't catch all of it, (I only had the tv on in the background while I washed dishes in the kitchen) but she said something to the effect of 'we make decisions with the awareness we have at the time.' I am not a perfect person and I can't expect anyone else to be. I most certainly shouldn't use unresolved anger over another person's humanity to systematically destroy myself after the fact, either.
I am gonna throw you all another quote from Iyanla :
“The road of life is strewn with the bodies of promising people. People who show promise, yet lack the confidence to act. People who make promises they are unable to keep. People who promise to do tomorrow what they could do today. Promising young stars, athletes, entrepreneurs who wait for promises to come true. Promise without a goal and a plan is like a barren cow. You know what she could do if she could do it, but she can't. Turn your promise into a plan. Make no promise for tomorrow if you are able to keep it today. And if someone calls you promising, know that you are not doing enough today.”
― Iyanla Vanzant, Acts Of Faith
I have been called promising many times. This quote applies to me. I have never found my highest potential and it is exactly for the reasons she states...lack of confidence. Fear of looking like a fool. I have frustrated many well-meaning friends and family members along the way. I"ve frustrated myself over and over again and succumbed to bouts of depression and apathy because I just didn't know how to be confident. I know what doesn't build self-confidence: berating, codependance, bullying disguised as 'tough love,' being told 'you just have to believe in yourself,' etc. I am slowly gaining confidence simply out of blind faith that there is something more waiting for me. Is that where confidence comes from? I want to put the question out there to anyone who happens upon this. If you are confident....how did you come to be confident? Were you ALWAYS confident in yourself? I'm curious to know how the other half lives.
Now, onto the nitty gritty, the data, which I"m sure is what you've all (all 3 of you!) have been waiting for. I am having trouble uploading the pics and in the process managed to publish the unfinished blog 5 times or something like that. I will get it all figured out soon. So for now you will kust get my weight and measurements and I will fill in the BEFORE pics later. Before I started this blog I had already begun the process of eliminating processed foods and as much caffeine as possible (my drug of choice). So I actually feel better than I did a month ago, but now the terrifying record keeping begins. Ha! I joke. I am nervous because I still judge myself by my attempts in the past but excited because I know more about myself now than I ever did in the past.
Weight: 245.8 lb
Chest: 46.5 inches
Waist: 47 inches
Hips: 50.5 inches
Thigh: 28.5 inches
Bicep: 15 inches
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So who am I? Hmmm, good question. I can tell you my social labels and let you decide the rest for yourself. I am a 37 year old single mother to a cyber-schooling 13 yr old son. I am a daycare center cook, a writer, an avid reader, a reiki practitioner, a student with the Institute for Integrative Nutrition and I have struggled with my weight since elementary school. Oh...did I mention I am also a Chocolatier with a home-party business?
Some think I have conflicting interests. I think I've got range.
Now, the bigger question: What is this blog about? It's about real wellness in real life. It's about losing weight without losing my mind. It's about offering a window to my soul so hopefully someone else will see themselves and feel less alone. I can't even begin to count how many times I've attempted to lose weight. I've succeeded many times before but never permanently. I've even started other weight loss blogs, however, the community that read it was so small I really felt like I was a crazy person talking to myself on a park bench. I was looking for a bigger audience and, hopefully, I've found it.
When I say I'm trying to lose weight I mean A LOT of weight. I stand at 5' 4" and my highest weight that I actually saw with my own eyes was 265 lbs a few years ago. I have managed to wiggle my way down a bit from there and have been sliding back and forth between the 215-250lb ranges. Yeah, I know, yo-yoing is NOT conducive to well-being in any way. I have always been interested in fitness, food and weight loss, reading anything I could get my hands on. Yet, success eluded me. It has taken many years, diets and bouts of depression to finally understand why but that is a topic for another time. That is where the Institute for Integrative Nutrition came in. It is a recent and VERY exciting addition to my education and personal growth. It was a leap of faith to enroll but the synchronicity that occurred to put it into place as I was simultaneously accepted as a weight loss blogger for WITF was just too obvious to deny. I am helping myself as I learn to coach others in overall health and wellness and that is something I have wanted to do for a very long time.
Along the way I will tell you what I have learned, what I am experiencing and I will even do a weekly weight in and measurement check so we can all see what works and what doesn't. My goal is to eat real food, ya know, the stuff that walks, swims and grows. I plan to strengthen my body without rendering myself incapable of simple tasks like walking down stairs, putting my arms over my head or getting off the toilet without breaking the towel rack.
Tomorrow, I will post the stats and the BEFORE picture and we will get this-a-here party started, I know it will be a challenge with a son and a busy schedule but it will be fun, too. Hey, when all else fails, laugh at yourself. Then get up and try again the next day. It's part of the learning process.
I hope some of you out there will join me in this. I can't offer you a cash prize and a state of the art gym like on Biggest Loser but we can certainly cheer each other on. And there will be A LOT less vomiting and cursing. I'm looking at YOU, Jillian Michaels!
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