You might’ve already heard that Healthline—which recently acquired Psych Central—will no longer be publishing blogs on the site. Since this will be my last post, I wanted to share how grateful I am to have written this blog for almost 11 years! (I published my first post in November 2009.)

I’m incredibly grateful to John Grohol, the founder of Psych Central, for giving me a platform and the creative freedom and complete control to write about whatever is on my heart. When I pitched this blog to John, I’d been a writer for a few years (no books, no viral articles). But he thought my message was important, and he generously gave me a chance.

I’m also incredibly grateful to my readers. Your lives are full and yet you’ve taken the time to come here and read my words. I don’t know if anyone has stuck around since the beginning but if you have, wow, I so appreciate it!

I’m grateful to the women who’ve shared their powerful stories of eating disorder recovery and the experts who’ve shared their life-changing insights on everything from intuitive eating to body positivity to Health At Every Size. These insights have deeply shaped the way I see and treat myself.

My goal with Weightless has always been to show that we can care for ourselves at any weight, shape, and size, that you can pursue your dreams, and do whatever it is that is important to you, regardless of the number on the scale or the tag inside your jeans.

And you don’t have to earn anyone’s love and appreciation, including your own, by losing weight and looking a certain way. You deserve compassion, care, and respect right now, without changing a single thing about your appearance.

My goal has been to help you feel good in your own skin, to feel comfortable and empowered, especially in a world that shouts the dangers of higher weights (not true), prescribes weight loss as a panacea, and idolizes unrealistic beauty standards. To realize that you can shift your thinking and your behavior, even after many, many years of not appreciating yourself.

I’ve wanted you to know that there’s no shame in struggling with whatever you’re struggling with—anxiety, depression, disordered eating—and there is always help and always hope. There is no shame in seeing a therapist or taking medication.

I’ve often written the words I needed to hear, talking to myself as I’ve talked to you. I’m profoundly grateful to have had a space that allowed me to explore my own emotions and struggles. I started writing this blog a few months after my father passed away, and having a meaningful project to focus on was tremendously helpful.

I hope Weightless has been helpful to you in some way. I hope it’s helped you to feel a little less alone and a bit more empowered. If you’d like to follow my writing, here’s my website: https://www.margaritatartakovsky.com.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish you the very, very best.

Photo by Courtney Hedger on Unsplash. 

If you’re someone who absorbs other people’s emotions and energies, you might find yourself easily exhausted. And, right now, with so much pain all around us, you might feel completely depleted and burnt out after internalizing the anxiety, anger, stress, and sadness. 

According to Tanya Carroll Richardson, a professional intuitive who works with empaths, “Empaths have a hyper-perceptive emotional and energetic system, which means they simply pick up on more,” leading them to become overstimulated very quickly. 

Thankfully, you don’t have to stay in this overwhelming state; you might even be able to prevent it, protecting and effectively caring for your empathic tendencies. 

Richardson, author of the forthcoming book Self-Care for Empaths: 100 Activities to Help You Relax, Recharge, and Rebalance Your Life, suggested these simple but powerful self-care practices: 

Create a grounding routine. Richardson notes that this is one of the best ways to calm an empath’s sensitive system. It could look like: having the same sleep and wake times; taking a walk every morning; listening to the same weekly podcast; or attending the same virtual yoga class every Thursday. What kind of nourishing anchors can you include in your day or week? This gives you something calming to look forward to and helps you stabilize and soothe your energy. 

Create daily buffers. Think of this as “cocooning your sensitive system to create a buffer against overstimulation and unnecessary drama each day to help your batteries recharge,” said Richardson. These, too, can be simple gestures, such as: “reading an uplifting book before bed, solving a puzzle with the kids, or snuggling with a pet and watching an episode of your favorite comedy,” she said. 

Create a sanctuary at home. This could be a large space like a studio or a shared space like a bathroom, writes Richardson in Self-Care for Empaths. For shared spaces to become an instant oasis, you might first set the intention that this is your sanctuary time, put on soothing music, and spray calming lavender essential oil, she writes.

To help you create your sanctuary, Richardson suggests reflecting on these questions: Where in your home does your energy feel most peaceful, open, and inspired? What sounds or scents would you like to hear there? What energy or mood do you want to foster? Which sacred or special objects would you like to keep there? How can this space become physically comfortable? 

Enter observer mode. This helps you support and care for your loved ones, colleagues, and even strangers without absorbing their energy or emotions. Start by pulling back into your own energy by picturing a cape or cloak around you. Visualize what it looks like. Instead of feeling with the person or trying to change their emotion, get curious, making sure to stay in your head versus your heart. This gives them the safe space to process their emotions. Richardson shares this example in her book: 

“Oh, that’s interesting. This cashier seems a little bored and down. I’m getting the intuitive information that it’s because there is something in her life outside of work she’s unhappy about. I’ll be sure to smile at her when she gives me my receipt. It has nothing to do with me, so I’ll let these observations fade away as I walk out of the store.”

You also might imagine space between your energy body and someone else’s or imagine it shrinking back into your physical body as if your physical body were a shield. 

Some empaths have been taught to fear their sensitivity or think their sensitivity prevents them from handling certain challenges, situations, professions, or relationships, said Richardson. Maybe you’ve been taught to view it as a burden or a nuisance. 

However, your empathic nature is an asset. A gift. The key is to find ways to manage your sensitivity, taking compassionate care of yourself.

How will you honor your empathic tendencies today? 

Photo by Nathan Fertig on Unsplash. 

Tuning into our feelings, thoughts, and physical sensations is the foundation of caring well for ourselves. We have to know what’s going on in order to take healthy, nourishing action and just better understand ourselves. 

But the way we do these check-ins really depends on our personality and preferences. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach. The key is to incorporate a check-in into your day, regardless of what shape or form it takes. Make it as habitual as brushing your teeth. In fact, one way to check in with yourself is to ask how you’re feeling while you are brushing your teeth in the morning and at night. 

Here are additional ideas for checking in: 

1. Set an alarm on your phone to ding every hour and ask yourself: How am I doing right now?
2. Do Julia Cameron’s morning pages, jotting down whatever comes to mind first thing in the morning. Simply keep a notebook on your bedside table, and before getting up, fill up three pages of your journal. 
3. In the evening, for 5 to 10 minutes, reflect on how your day went. What went well? What didn’t? How are you feeling about it? What might you change tomorrow? 
4. Listen to a guided meditation that specifically helps you tune into your mind and body, such as paying attention to any present tension. 
5. Ask yourself the same questions every day (and record your responses): What am I grateful for? What am I anxious about? What did I learn about myself today? What do I need? 
6. Take a few deep breaths, put your hands in prayer position, and ask yourself: What’s on my heart? 
7. Move your body in a favorite way. For you, this might be taking a yoga class, taking a walk, riding your bike, or doing a stretching video. Personally, I’ve found that any time I move my body, my emotions, which might’ve been previously suppressed as I go about my day, bubble up to the surface and I have a better grasp on how I’m doing. 
8. Name what emotion you’re feeling, trying to get as specific as possible, and then rate the intensity of that emotion from 1 to 10. 
9. Draw three concentric circles. In the innermost circle, jot down the emotions you’re feeling. In the second circle, jot down the physical sensations you’re experiencing. In the biggest circle, jot down the thoughts running through your mind or the stories you’re telling yourself right now or have been all day. 

When you’re checking in with yourself, remember to allow whatever arises. It’s so hard, but our jobs are not to censor, judge, or criticize. Our jobs are to witness what’s going on internally, taking on the perspective of an unbiased observer. 

I liken it to writing: It’s not helpful to edit while we write our first draft, because then we might miss something important. We want to write first, to spill our hearts and message onto the page. After everything has poured out, we can start to make sense of that message and refine as needed. 

Pick a check-in practice that resonates with you and, again, incorporate it into your day (or, of course, come up with a practice that feels like a better fit). To make it easier, add it to something you do all the time: check in while you sip your water. Check in during your morning coffee. Check in right before you ask your kids how they’re doing. 

Either way, prioritize your daily check-in—and you’ll likely find that even if you don’t respond to your needs, simply listening helps you feel well taken care of. Because as I’ve written before, listening is a beautiful, powerful gift we can give to ourselves and others. 

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash. 

Angry. Anxious. Sad. Stressed. Happy. Excited.

Whether we’re journaling, talking to someone, or trying to figure out an action to take, we typically use the above words to describe how we’re feeling. Sometimes, we might even be more broad: We feel crappy. Or we’re doing great or awesome! Or we’re upset or feeling down. 

But what does crappy really mean? Are you lonely? Or are you irritated, frustrated, or furious? Do you mean that you’re heartbroken or helpless? 

Pinpointing precisely how you feel moves you in the right direction to start resolving the situation and make a thoughtful decision, or it helps you to better understand what’s going on in your inner world—all of which are vital. 

According to researcher and professor Lisa Feldman Barrett, Ph.D, on TED.com, people who construct finer-grained emotional experiences are emotion experts who have higher “emotional granularity”: “They issue predictions and construct instances of emotion that are finely tailored to fit each specific situation.”

And research has found a variety of health benefits to doing this: Individuals with higher emotional granularity visit the doctor and use medication less frequently. When they are sick, they spend fewer days in the hospital. Other studies, Barrett writes, found that people who can distinguish among their unpleasant feelings “​were 30 percent more flexible when regulating their emotions, less likely to drink excessively when stressed, and less likely to retaliate aggressively against someone who has hurt them.”

What does emotional granularity actually look like? 

Instead of saying that you’re surprised or just worked up, you dig deeper and distinguish among astonished, amazed, startled, dumbfounded, and shocked, notes Barrett in another article. Instead of saying you’re sad, you search for a finer description, such as grief-stricken, disappointed, distraught, wistful, or hopeless. 

Barrett, author of the book How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain, stresses the importance of expanding our emotional vocabulary by discovering the differences among emotion words, reading books outside our comfort zones, and learning emotional concepts from foreign languages (such as gezellig, which means togetherness in Dutch, or enohi, the Greek feeling of major guilt).

You can even dedicate a small notebook to listing all kinds of emotions—which can include inventing your own descriptions and concepts. 

The next time you’re having an emotional experience, instead of naming the first feeling that comes to mind, pause and reflect on whether that feeling feels accurate. Does it really capture what’s going on for you?

Take out your chisel and chip away at the obvious emotion—anger, sadness, stress—and see what’s really lurking underneath. 

If it helps, you might even switch perspectives, thinking of yourself as a fictional character (and using the pronouns “he,” “she,” or “they”), and journal the emotional description in that way. 

So many of us ignore our emotions or dismiss them because we’re terrified of what we’ll discover, or because we’re simply not used to going within, or because we view emotions as inconvenient to our busy lives.

However, give yourself the gift of being seen and heard. Try to take a lighter, more inquisitive approach. You might even look at this as an adventure, as an opportunity to better understand yourself and learn new, interesting concepts. 

We are essentially lifelong learners, students of all kinds of topics, and that includes of ourselves, too. 

Photo by Tengyart on Unsplash. 

As the world has turned upside down, many of us are desperately yearning for a respite from the uncertainty, upheaval, and anxiety. We’re yearning to quiet our stressed-soaked inner chatter and calm our frayed nerves.

We’re yearning to release our physical, emotional, and mental tension. We’re yearning for a genuine breather, a break from the litany of responsibilities and the reality that many things have changed. Many of the things we love and have relied on for comfort, soothing, and healing are no longer an option. 

In short, every one of us can benefit from a week (or month!) long vacation. But since this isn’t possible for most of us, we can focus on what is: engaging in small activities and practices that help us to unwind throughout the day. You’ll find these ideas below. Set a timer for 10 minutes, and brainstorm other ways you can unwind in small windows of time. 

• Walk barefoot. Walking in the grass, sand, dirt, or soil can help you to “connect to the calming and nourishing energy of the earth,” said Sherianna Boyle, MED, CAGS, author of the book Emotional Detox for Anxiety. “Since our bodies are made of similar elements of the earth—such as water, air—[being in] nature and walking barefoot are ways you can restore yourself mindfully.”
• Savor everyday beauty. Allow yourself to be curious about the beautiful things you see on a regular basis. For example, observe a flower’s petals or touch them to see how they feel, said Boyle. Watch the clouds pass, imagining yourself jumping from one to the next. Listen to the outdoor and indoor sounds of the morning. Feel the warmth of your little one’s hands. 
• Take 10 deep breaths. Count each breath on the inhale. Also, keep your exhales several seconds longer than your inhales.
• Practice co-regulation. This is simply holding hands with friend or partner who is calm and relaxed to help you tune into their energy, according to Carley Centen, a yoga teacher and author of the forthcoming book My Pocket Meditations for Anxiety. “Think of someone you feel comfortable with, who has a soothing voice and gentle, calming manner.”
• Massage your hands. Boyle suggested washing your hands, applying hand cream, and massaging the palm of each hand and fingers for about 20 seconds each. “This helps break up any stale, congested energy while increasing your breathing. Notice when you massage your hands, your breath tends to get deeper in the lower abdomen area (and lungs) where your calming nerves are,” she said. Massaging your feet is also a great way to ease tension. 
• Massage your temples. If you have it, apply lavender essential oil to your index and middle fingers. Then, moving clockwise, massage your temples. To enhance your relaxation, put on some spa-like or nature sounds, classical music, or your favorite relaxing tunes. 
• Practice savasana. During this corpse pose, close your eyes and picture any thoughts that arise as autumn leaves traveling down the river. You also might move from your feet to your head, tensing and relaxing different muscle groups as you make your way from bottom to top. 
• Play with paint. Use any paint you have on hand, and grab a canvas or thick piece of paper. Instead of focusing on creating a specific image, simply glide your paintbrush from left to right, right to left. Or get out any art supplies you have and simply start doodling or sketching, cutting or gluing. 

Unwinding will look different for everyone. And the strategies that help you relax will differ depending on the day and the extent of your anxiety or stress levels. So explore and experiment. Play around with an assortment of techniques, noting what helps and what doesn’t. 

Ultimately, don’t judge yourself for needing rest or comfort. Don’t criticize yourself for needing to slow down and take a break. Incorporate small, soothing activities into your everyday, so they become small, soothing rituals that help you to relax and refresh. 

Photo by Kevin Kurek on Unsplash. 

If you dislike your body, feel shame about it, or downright hate it, you’re not alone. So many of us call our bodies disgusting and don’t look in the mirror (or grimace at our features when we do).

So many of us miss special events (like holiday gatherings) or fun activities (like swimming at the beach) because we aren’t what we think we should be. We spend a whole lot of time and effort, and our hard-earned dollars on diets, diet books, meal replacement shakes, and workouts we don’t enjoy.  

We do this in the hopes that we will finally be able to embrace our bodies, or at least stop ruminating about its many flaws. 

In her adult life, Amy Pershing, LMSW, has been 10 different clothing sizes, and no matter what she looked like, she was never happy with her body. Because the striving never stops.

“The messaging all around me said there was more I could do to look ‘better,'” she said. 

Now in middle age, she noted, “the demands have become even greater to change my appearance, and more costly. I am supposed to erase all the signs of a life lived. The presence of shaming body messages—and the selling of solutions for the ‘problems’—does not let up across the lifespan.”

A therapist in Ann Arbor, Mich., Pershing has found that most of her clients can’t imagine feeling at home in their bodies as they are. Therapist Judith Matz, LCSW, has seen the same thing at her private practice in Skokie, Ill.

Matz and Pershing are the authors of The Body Positivity Card Deck: 53 Strategies for Body Acceptance, Appreciation and Respect, which features thoughtful, empowering cards in four categories: self-compassion, body image, mindfulness, and self-care. 

What is Body Positivity? 

The term “body positivity” gets thrown around a lot, in articles, on social media. But what does it really mean? According to Matz and Pershing, “Instead of seeing our body as a billboard for the approval of others, body positivity invites each of us to experience our body as our home first and foremost.”

And it’s a home that we accept, appreciate, and respect, rather than criticize, shame, or hate, they said. 

Contrary to popular belief, this doesn’t mean that we must love our bodies all. the. time. After all, that’s not realistic, and it’s too much pressure. Instead, body positivity “invites us to unhook our body image from our value as a human being. We can ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ certain things about our bodies, but according to body positivity, these feelings change nothing about our body deserving the best care and respect we can offer.”

In other words, we are kind to our bodies, nourishing and tending to them, regardless of their shape, weight, or size, regardless of whether we woke up in love with our physical traits or struggling to like anything. 

How to Cultivate Body Positivity 

Practicing body positivity might feel like a tall order, especially if you’re drowning in negative thoughts and feelings about your body. So, where do you start? 

Try these helpful suggestions from Matz and Pershing, starting with whatever strategy resonates most: 

• Think about the origins of your negative body image. “Babies aren’t born thinking one size is better than another,” said Matz and Pershing. “Instead, we learn messages from the culture—including parents, peers, health professionals, and the media—that promote weight stigma by valuing a thinner body.” And then we internalize these messages as gospel. Reflect on these questions: What have I learned about how my body “should” be? What assumptions do I hold about weight? How do I decide what is “healthy” for my body? Do I judge others about their bodies or perceived health? Where do these beliefs stem from? 
• Start connecting with others in nourishing ways. Many of our conversations are centered on calories, foods we can’t eat, weight loss, and diets we’re trying. Instead, Matz and Pershing encourage us to find “authentic ways to connect around lived experiences, challenges, interests, and dreams.” What conversations feed your soul? What do you want to share about yourself? What do you want to know about others? 
• Declutter your social media (and any other media you consume). “Social media has a huge influence on body positivity, for better or worse,” according to Matz and Pershing. Scan the people, websites, magazines, and other media you’re following. Which ones promote weight loss and narrow standards of beauty? Which ones encourage you to care for yourself, whatever your appearance? Which ones do you want to look at, listen to, and consume? Be ruthless with your deleting and unfollowing. 
• Shift your attitude to include all bodies. Consider that all bodies deserve appreciation, acceptance, care, and respect. This might look like: speaking up when someone makes a fat-shaming comment; teaching your kids that beauty, strength, and health come in all shapes and sizes; supporting organizations that are working toward ending weight stigma; and reading stories about people whose bodies have been marginalized. As Matz and Pershing put it, “You can cultivate body positivity even as you struggle with your own body image.”  

You don’t have to change anything about your body to practice self-care or enjoy your life. If your mind is slow to get that memo, try to start acting as if you’ve already made this shift. In fact, jot down all the things you’d do if your body finally looked the way you (or society) thinks it should. Then, without making any changes to your weight or shape, move down your list, creating fulfilling days precisely as you are right now. 

***

Judith is a nationally recognized speaker on the topics of diet culture, binge eating, emotional eating, body image, and weight stigma. She is co-author of The Diet Survivor’s Handbook and Beyond a Shadow of a Diet, and author of the children’s book Amanda’s Big Dream.

Amy is the founder of the Bodywise Binge Eating Disorder Recovery Program and Clinical Director of the Center for Eating Disorders in Ann Arbor, Mich. She’s an internationally known pioneer in the treatment of binge eating disorder, weight stigma, and body image; and author of the book Binge Eating Disorder: Journey to Recovery and Beyond. 

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash. 

Lately, you’ve likely had an assortment of distressing thoughts that you can’t stop thinking. Maybe you’ve tried to come up with solutions for some of these worries, identifying what you can actually control. And that is incredibly important and helpful.

But other stressful thoughts—the ones you can’t really do much about, the ones that reek of uncertainty—still linger. And linger, making you feel awful and overwhelmed.

What can you do about these anxious thoughts?

What can sometimes help is to take a lighthearted approach, to use humor to greet these thoughts and lessen their impact and loosen their control over us. This doesn’t mean that your distressing thoughts are silly, or you’re silly or ridiculous for thinking them.

Everyone has these sorts of thoughts. Distressing thoughts are our brain’s way of keeping us safe. Because the louder the alarm, the greater the likelihood that we’ll heed its warnings, be extra vigilant, and not get eaten by a tiger or bear. Of course, the issue with most anxious thoughts that won’t go away is that there aren’t any tigers or bears.

In the new book The Anxiety First Aid Kit: Quick Tools for Extreme, Uncertain Times, mental health and anxiety experts share a variety of excellent suggestions for helping us effectively manage stressful thoughts. Here’s a list of creative, humor-based techniques from their book to try:

1. Sing the thought to the tune of “Happy Birthday” or “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”
2. Write the thought over and over.
3. Make a poem using the thought.
4. Draw or paint the thought.
5. Translate the thought to another language.
6. Recite the words backwards.
7. Make the thought into a full script with a funny ending.
8. Try to make the thought so bad that it’s absurd.
9. Add the phrase “I am having the thought that” to your thought (or “I am seeing the image of” if an image comes to mind instead), repeating it as you go up and down a flight of stairs.
10. Send the thought to the “spam folder.” When we receive a scam email (the one that says you’ve won some inheritance from a distant uncle and you just need to click the link and provide your banking information), we roll our eyes and mark it as spam. We don’t even think twice about trusting the content. And we can do the same for our anxious thoughts. As the authors remind us, “thoughts are imaginations inside your mind.”

If these techniques don’t work or resonate with you, that’s OK. The key is to remember that you are not helpless when anxious, awful thoughts arise. You don’t have to believe them. You can challenge them. You can thank your brain for trying to help and remind yourself that you are, indeed, resilient and you’ll cope with whatever comes your way. Or you can schedule a virtual appointment with a therapist. Or you can try all of that.

We are living in strange, unsettling times, so it makes sense that our stress and anxiety would increase. But that stress and anxiety also don’t have to ruin our days or shatter us. And sometimes simply gaining some perspective and trying several seemingly silly tips can actually be healing.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash. 

The pandemic has brought up many, many questions that we’ve never had to answer before: Do we see our grandparents? Do we attend the larger gathering? Should we just stay home? For a while? Do we avoid certain loved ones for their safety, for our safety, both? Can we hold hands? Can we hug? Are we over-reacting? Under-reacting? Doing all the wrong things?

The pandemic has also made many interactions feel awkward and stressful, and relationships more difficult: How do you connect with loved ones when you rarely see them in person? How do you connect when most people are wearing masks? How do you connect when you’ve been cooped up with your family and really need a break? How do you connect to your elderly relatives when you’re not even allowed to visit them?

On top of all of that, many of us are also stressed about our jobs, our kids’ school situations, and the state of the world, and we might not have the energy to devote to our deepest, most important bonds.

But there’s something we can do, even if we’re keeping our distance or wearing a mask, even if we’re exhausted and overwhelmed with zero energy: We can listen.

In fact, listening is one of the best ways to cultivate our connection with anyone. In her excellent book Self-Compassion for Parents: Nurture Your Child by Caring for Yourself, psychologist and author Susan M. Pollak, EdD, recounts an exercise she did while in a training: She and other clinicians took turns speaking for 3 minutes while everyone else listened without interrupting or saying a word.

It was powerful and healing—even more so than any advice they could’ve given each other.

We can do the same today with our loved ones. We can practice “listening with compassion” with our families, whether we’re sitting in the same room, using video chat, or talking on the phone. In fact, some research suggests that we’re better able to detect another person’s emotions by listening to their voice, so even though phone calls can feel like a less-than option, they might actually be the best option.

In Self-Compassion for Parents, Pollak shares these suggestions for listening:

• Begin by closing your eyes or keeping them slightly open.
• Listen to the surrounding sounds, such as the rain, birds, or cars.
• Imagine that your body is a big ear. Listen with your heart and your entire being.
• Reflect on a person you know that’s a great listener and the qualities you sense as they’re listening to you, such as respect and lack of judgment.
• Reflect on what keeps you from listening to others (such as listening to reply versus listening to understand).
• When you are listening to someone, set an intention to be open, listening from your heart (as well as your head) and then noticing what it’s like not to interrupt, judge, or debate.

Listening to someone is really one of the greatest gifts we can give them, regardless of what’s going on around us, because we communicate so many important things just by being open and quiet and giving our full attention:

By listening, we convey that yes, you and your feelings and your struggles matter. We convey that yes, I see you. I see your pain. I celebrate your joy.

And I am here. With you. 

When someone has listened to you in this way, you know first-hand just how soul-nourishing it can really be. And, thankfully, you have the opportunity to do that for someone else, even when times are tough.

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash. 

Ever since I started this blog (back in 2009!), almost every year around my birthday, I’ve been republishing and revising a version of the below post about the lessons I’m learning about building a positive body image, coping effectively, and living a fulfilling, meaningful life. I hope this post inspires you to reflect on the lessons you’re learning, too, and to extend a bit more kindness your own way, particularly in these uncertain times.

1. Be you. In all your amazing and unique glory. Trying to be like others or pretending you like something you actually don’t doesn’t work. Trust me, I’ve tried. It feels awkward and itchy. And then there’s the matter of life being too short. Find out who you are. Explore your likes and dislikes. Explore what makes you happy. Explore what feeds you, what gets you up in the early hours of the day.

2. Eat what your heart, mind, and body desire. As Anna says, use “the feel good rule.” Figure out what nourishes and energizes you versus following diet advice that feels restrictive and leads to unhealthy habits.

3. Do what makes you feel comfortable. Check in with yourself first, instead of focusing on what others say — unless, of course, you’re entrenched in self-destructive behavior. Then please seek and ask for support.

4. Learn to become more decisive. Tune into yourself. Even if it concerns something seemingly small, like what you want to eat for dinner. For instance, I can take 10 minutes to read a menu and then another 5 to ask the server about how they like the food and whether I can make a few substitutions.

Deep down, you do know what you want. You just might be used to a) letting others take the reins b) silencing yourself or c) feeling afraid to voice your opinion. Again, take the time to figure out what you want.

5. It’s fine to eat chocolate every day. Doing so doesn’t make you a bad person, a diet failure, a glutton or a person doomed to an unhealthy and horrible life.

6. Build a relationship with yourself. An attentive, understanding, compassionate relationship. It’s your foundation for everything. Everything. Ask yourself regularly: Would I say, suggest, or do that to my best friend? (Here are some ideas for relationship-builders.)

7. Journaling is a powerful way to get to know ourselves and cope with life. I discover what I’m thinking and feeling through writing. It slows down my racing thoughts and quiets the buzz of my  brain. It reminds me of what’s important. It helps me reconnect to the real me. Writing is powerful even if you jot down a few thoughts once a week. Here’s more on keeping a notebook. And here are some interesting questions to contemplate on paper.

8. Self-care is vital. It’s powerful. It’s key to our mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. You can help others sooo much more effectively and compassionately once you’ve helped yourself. And remember that you can define self-care any way you like. And remember you don’t have to earn the right to take care of yourself either.

9. Don’t wait to do anything you want to do until you lose weight. Do. It. Now. Why wait?

10. Discover, or re-discover movement. I used to hate exercise. Hate it. I also had all these stories about how I wasn’t an athlete, and how much I sucked at anything physical. I associated movement and exercise with weight loss, thinking that people work out to “stay in shape.” No wonder I didn’t want to do it.

Revise how you see moving your body. Relinquish the shoulds and shaming suggestions. Do it on your terms. Find the joy in movement. Discover what makes you and your body happy. Maybe that’s hiking or hula-hooping. Maybe it’s swimming, strength training or yoga. Create your own definition of movement, which helps you lead a fuller, richer life.

11. Be honest with yourself. Always tell yourself the truth. This is not easy. Some days, this means acknowledging you’re in pain, you don’t like how things are going, and you might need to make changes. But this is critical in building a powerful relationship with yourself and in building a beautiful life.

12. Sleep is not over-rated. It is a basic and essential human need.

13. A diet is not a magical elixir that leads to everything you want. Usually, it just blurs your wants and needs and makes you hungry and miserable.

14. Your body isn’t the problem. Instead, it’s likely the pants, the exercise, the lack of self-care, the loose boundary, the schedule that needs to be reworked. We are so quick to blame our bodies for everything. But digging deeper is more helpful.

15. Remember you. are. not. a. number. You are not the number on the scale or the size inside your jeans or dress.

16. Don’t deny yourself the power of your voice. Your feelings, thoughts, opinions, wants, wishes, dreams, desires are important. Use your voice. Speak up, and stand up for yourself. You don’t need to earn the right to speak or to matter. You already do, and you already have.

17. Don’t waste time on bashing your body with your friends. Instead, talk about your struggles and your dreams, and about what empowers and inspires you. Avoid commiserating around your not-good-enough waist or thighs or the calorie count in those cupcakes.

18. Even when we’re not ready to accept ourselves entirely, we can own a small part. What small part can you own today? Right now?

19. While it’s so hard, don’t let how you feel about your body stop you from savoring life and doing things that bring you joy. Do what makes you happy. Take care of yourself anyway, whether you think you deserve it or not. Take small steps. If you need, see a therapist. Or dig into a book, or try an e-course. Again, we’re all keenly aware that life is way too short.

20. None of us, ever, needs to apologize for his or her body. Ever. You have all the permission in the world to wear what you want to wear, to do what you want to do, to go where you want to go, and to love yourself at any and every shape, size and weight.

21. Figure out what you love to do and do more of it. The older I get, the more I realize the importance of filling your days with the things that make you happy, that inspire and empower you, that spark and satiate your curiosity. There are so many amazing things out there. How interesting and fun to figure out what they are and then enjoy them.

22. Aging—the sagging skin, lines on your face—means you’re still here. Aging is complicated. I know that many of us may look in the mirror and be surprised at the reflection staring back. But as I wrote in this post, which was inspired by Jen Louden’s beautiful piece, aging means we’re still here: We’re still here to hug our loved ones, to feel the warmth of the sun, to live out our passions, to laugh, to sing in the shower, to explore new adventures.

23. Be patient and understanding with yourself. This, of course, is hard, especially when you make a mistake or make a bad decision. But take it one step at a time. One tiny kind gesture at a time. Meet your mean thoughts with compassion. And remember, the more you practice, the more natural self-compassion will become.

24. Be open. Be curious. I love this quote from French artist Henri Matisse: “We ought to view ourselves with the same curiosity and openness with which we study a tree, the sky or a thought, because we too are linked to the entire universe.” Curiosity is a great alternative to judgment and criticism.

When we’re upset, we can get curious and explore why. When we’re exhausted, we can ask ourselves if we need more sleep, more rest, a weekend away, or if our schedules are just too full. When we make a mistake, we can get curious about what led to it and what we can learn. In other words, we can get curious about what we need and what doesn’t work without berating ourselves or wishing we were different.

25. You are never alone. Whether you’re struggling with liking your body, wrapping your mind around a stressful situation, grieving the loss of a relationship or a loved one, you’re not alone. Someone else in your part of the world or another part of the world is sitting down, just like you, wondering, worrying, feeling frustrated, scared, upset, unsure. In this very moment.

Don’t isolate yourself. Reach out to someone—a loved, colleague, therapist. Find support groups. Read blogs and books about the very things you’re struggling with. When my father passed away, I turned to books on grief and memoirs written by authors who’d also lost their parents. It helped to see my pain reflected in someone else’s words.

26. All our feelings—negative and positive—are valid. I used to get so mad at myself for being anxious or sad. I also rarely liked to feel these painful feelings. When I wasn’t angry with myself, I’d just pretend they didn’t exist. Either way, I wouldn’t acknowledge or accept them. Which meant I didn’t acknowledge or accept parts of myself.

But all our feelings and experiences are valid. That pain is valid. We can find healthy ways to cope with our feelings. That’s important. But first and foremost we must listen to these feelings. And we must say, it’s OK. It’s OK to feel the way you do.

27. You will surprise yourself. We all have a list—in our minds, of course—of the things we simply can’t do. We can’t handle a difficult situation. We can’t do a pull-up. We can’t share an ugly part of ourselves with our spouse. We can’t say no. We can’t ________ (fill in any shaky, anxiety-provoking situation).

You will surprise yourself, because you can. Maybe it won’t be graceful. It probably won’t be graceful. But you will do it. And you will learn something valuable about yourself and about life. Don’t give up on yourself so quickly. Give yourself the space to try.

I love this quote from The Wizard of Oz: “You’ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.”

28. Almost everything is a skill that we can learn and practice. And practice. At any time, at any age, we can learn to be kinder to ourselves. We can learn to say no to people, activities, and commitments that don’t nourish us. We can learn to cope well when times get tough. We can learn to navigate negative thoughts and ask for what we need.

And ultimately, we don’t have to stay stuck. By seeking out helpful resources—books, blogs, websites, therapy, support groups, e-courses—we can build healthier relationships with ourselves and with others. Often these important insights are within us. The resources simply act as a compass, a GPS to help us get to the goldmine.

What lessons have you learned about body image, well-being, or life? What did you think was true years ago but turned out to be anything but?

Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash. 

When you’re used to checking tons of tasks off your list, you can feel like an utter failure for slowing down. Which is likely exactly what you’re feeling and doing right now: Whether due to greater stress, less sleep, fewer work projects, shifting childcare situations, or something else altogether, your schedule is no longer packed or you’re unable to complete as much as you did prior to the pandemic. 

And that’s hard. It’s hard on your self-esteem and your sense of self. Before the pandemic, you prided yourself on being super productive. You were highly motivated and excited to start each day.

And now, with so much uncertainty, upheaval, and pain, the simplest tasks and activities feel impossible. And you’re furious with yourself for not doing enough. You’re furious that you can’t get it together and your usual spark has become a tiny flicker. 

Acknowledge this anger and frustration. And then give yourself credit anyway.

Give yourself credit for what you have accomplished amid such difficult circumstances—no matter how small, insignificant, or downright silly it might seem. Because you are doing the best you can in a very stressful situation. 

So, give yourself credit for getting out of bed and taking a shower. 

Give yourself credit for washing the dishes and doing the laundry. 

Give yourself credit for grocery shopping and making dinner.

Give yourself credit for caring for your kids. 

Give yourself credit for crying and acknowledging how you feel, even though you could have easily avoided it. 

Give yourself credit for checking in on your family or helping someone in some other way. 

Give yourself credit for making a difficult decision and for doing something that brings you joy. 

Give yourself credit for doing your work while your kids are home.

Give yourself credit for making an appointment with your therapist.

Give yourself credit for the incredible things your body does on a regular basis—from breathing to walking to talking to reading to learning. (After all, you’re a living miracle.)

Give yourself credit for giving yourself credit.

And if you’re having trouble recognizing your daily wins, ask a loved one to help you brainstorm. Or think about what you’d compliment or praise someone for, and do the same for yourself. It’s especially helpful to record your wins in a journal and re-read them when you need a reminder that yes, you are doing a great job. 

This is a challenging time and many of us feel tired, anxious, depressed, and burned out. So strive to be kind to yourself—in the words you use and in the actions you take. Try to recognize the important things you are doing every day (even if they seem too basic), and consider putting your hands over your heart, closing your eyes, and telling yourself: “Thank you.”

What can you give yourself credit for today?

Photo by Jackson David on Unsplash.