Hello Inspired Friends!

After over a year and a half of an absence here, I am back (more on that later). Ironically the last post I wrote was about a bird. Winged creatures are my totem animals and birds in particular seem to come to me with their messages. Crows, hummingbirds, a sparrow that I had as a pet even, and now a mourning dove.

It seems fitting that I should return “on the wings of a dove” so to speak . If you are here for the poem only, you’ll want to scroll past this story telling part. You shall find the poem towards the bottom of this post. This poem was inspired by another particularly challenging day and a moment of grief. While the story itself may have some sadness, I promise that per usual this ends in inspiration and joy , with a beautifully uplifting poem to honor bird folk.

And now for the story, shall we….

I had a particularly challenging weekend this week with extremely stressful matters that I cannot go in to. As a result I had a hard time getting out of bed yesterday and didn’t manage to get out of it until 7 pm, when I finally made it out to the garden for a bit of nature therapy.

As if to match my mood, there lied a deceased mourning dove in a flower bed that I was going to pick some flowers from. Some people don’t much value the lives of small creatures such as this and discard of them. For me it is different. I was very sad and needed to honor the life of this bird.

Did you know that mourning doves symbolize the need to release grief and pain, and embrace peace so that we can move on to the next wonderful thing that life has in store for us on our journey? What a fitting experience to have during a day when I was so depressed and needed to release some grief. The dove helped me do just that.

I buried the bird under my favorite bush in the garden and for now have sat this old painted birdhouse on the top of it as a marker. As I sat there in the cool evening with the dove, I was reminded of my sparrow Trooper and decided to write a poem to honor the lives of these precious creatures from God.

As I was writing this poem, a line came out that reminded me of a song I once performed in High School choir. The Lyrics are as follows:

Sing Me to Heaven (Daniel Gawthrop)

In my heart’s sequestered chambers
Lie truths stripped of poet’s gloss
Words alone are vain and vacant
And my heart is mute
In response to aching silence
Memory summons half-heard voices
And my soul finds primal eloquence
And wraps me in song
Wraps me, in song

If you would comfort me, sing me a lullaby
If you would win my heart, sing me a love song
If you would mourn me and bring me to God
Sing me a requiem, sing me to Heaven

Touch in me all love and passion
Pain and pleasure, touch in me
Touch in me, grief and comfort
Love and passion, pain and pleasure
Sing me a lullaby
A love song
A requiem
Love me, comfort me
Sing me to God
Sing me a love song
Sing me to Heaven

If you can’t see the above video, click here to watch a choral arrangement of “Sing Me to Heaven” directly on YouTube.

I sat with the dove in my garden and played this song and sang it in memory. I cried. Hard. It may seem silly to some, but I have a heart for All of Life and all of God’s creatures. It was a great release and ironically was the healing balm I needed to transform my own grief and anxiety. I found a profound peace. Here is the poem I wrote in my garden, while sitting near the bird’s grave:

Requiem for a Bird

by Rebekah Ann Stephenson

May we honor all life

No matter how small,

Nor how long their days

Nor how loud their call.

Nor how brightly colored

or unassuming be,

Whether low in the bush

or high in a tree.

Each one has a purpose

For God made them all,

Each one has a beauty

A sacred life’s call.

You awaken Earth in morning

At night – a lullaby,

You give our spirits courage wings-

Inspire us to Fly.

We thank you for your time on earth

We thank you for your song,

These melodies will never die-

In each bird they carry on…

We honor all creation

With reverence and love,

And sing thee now to heaven

On the wings of a mourning dove.

For more of my poetry, click HERE

Out of a tragedy and a horrible day came a beautiful poem that will now go in to that book I have been working on for ages. I haven’t been inspired to write poetry in awhile, so what a blessing to get back to working on my book! I hope this poem will touch you in some way, and with most of my nature poetry there are metaphors for human life if you read into it a bit

Blessings to you and yours,

Rebekah

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“I measure every Grief I meet
With narrow, probing, eyes – 
I wonder if It weighs like Mine – 
Or has an Easier size.
I wonder if They bore it long – 
Or did it just begin… “
-Emily Dickinson

I am still here. I am still living inspired. I have had a very difficult year thus far. The majority of the painful things I have been going through will not show up on this blog, simply because some things are of too much of a personal nature to share. The overall theme of the year however has been dealing with the pain that comes with loss- in all its many forms.

Some losses are literal deaths, and some are metaphorical deaths. Sometimes things have to unravel. They have to fall apart so that they can be rebuilt. Yes, something beautiful can be reborn from the ashes of our lives. One thing is for certain- loss is a teacher. If we allow it to be, it can also be a transformer-taking us to the next level of ourselves. Sometimes pain is just necessary for growth.

Living Fully ALIVE Sometimes Comes with Pain

I have had 3 deaths this year. My grandmother went to heaven on my birthday. February 27th. My very dear friend and client Meryl died unexpectedly the month before. She emailed me the night before she passed saying that she felt awful and had pneumonia. I woke up to a FB message from her family the next day telling me she had passed in the night. I was shocked. (This blog post turns positive and is about hope, so stay tuned…) Another dear friend, Teresa, passed from cancer in April I think it was.

There have been some other types of losses as well. Heartbreaks from friendships, as well as love and relationship pains (to be positive I will call these “growing pains”). I have been going through an odd spectrum of emotions this year. I’ve been more emotional this year than I have been in over a decade. I can’t remember the last time I have had so much pain and “drama” in my life.

It was probably prior to when I shut down and became somewhat of a recluse for awhile back in my 20’s. During that time in my life I had experienced so much pain and trauma that I wound up with severe PTSD (something I will talk about at some point on this blog). I completely withdrew from most people because it was necessary for my healing at that time. Though I can tell you I wasn’t really living. It was safe though and so my life has been fairly drama free, minus a slew of deaths in my family over the years. You see, when you don’t allow yourself to feel too much, and you don’t allow people in, it is very safe. You will not get hurt. There is not nearly as much drama, because there is no one in your life to cause it. It is also a lonely place to be.

I have been living bravely again, with my heart wide open, taking risks and putting myself out there for several years now. I guess since about the time I started this blog.

The 5 Stages of Grief

I am getting away from myself. So back to the emotions I have been going through this year. Feeling numb at times. Confused. Lots of crying (I cried nearly every day for a month recently-not the norm for me). The worst feeling is when you don’t feel at all or when you simply feel disconnected. Like you are here in physical form, but your heart isn’t in it. Have you ever been in a room of laughing people and felt totally alone? That was me a month ago when my best friend and her son were staying with me for the week. In the midst of a party I start crying in the corner. There have been other things too. Feeling cranky (in person anyway) with people and wanting to be left alone or even run away (on a few occasions). I sometimes get the urge to go off by myself and pitch a tent in nature to just disconnect from it all.

For someone who is very much of a cheery disposition and generally loves the company of others, this has been a bit disconcerting. You know it’s bad when your neighbor calls you to ask if you are still alive over there because they haven’t seen you (as in the case of my neighbor across the street), or if they see you sitting alone outside under a tree with a blank stare and text you to ask if you are ok (as in the case of my next door neighbor). Yet most people would not know I have been suffering this year because I am still a miracle hunter and do tend to live with joy despite my circumstances. At least, to the best I am capable of.

A couple weeks ago the light bulb went off.  This slew of strange (for me) emotions was the 5 stages of grief! I looked up grief and read about it, and all of the stages fit the various things I have been feeling this year. Just having a name to put to it and understanding this is a completely normal process for the amount of loss and changes I have been going through this year, was a relief. There is a really good article about it HERE (from grief.com) if you are going through some grief this year and need to make sense of it all.

Grief comes in so many forms and not just from the loss of loved ones due to death. It could be death of a job, death of a relationship, etc. Now this blog post is about to turn positive. You know I always live inspired despite my circumstances and will hunt for the miracles in any situation. Yes, I am currently still in the grief process, but I am seeing a light of hope at the end of the tunnel.

The Hummingbird Messenger

Nature is sending me messengers to confirm this Many of you know that my clients refer to me as “the fairy godmother” and that I have a bit of magic in me when it comes to being connected to the natural world. Especially winged creatures. I am being visited by a hummingbird again! While I was on the phone with my friend Sweetwater talking about my grief, but mentioning a gut feeling I had about something that would happen down the road if I had faith, Hummingbird appeared. It came out of nowhere and met me face to face, at eye level. I was peering out the window onto my garden when it appeared on the other side of the glass. There are no hummingbird feeders and no flowers within several feet of this window. It literally hovered in front of my face, almost nose to nose, looking directly at me.

This hummingbird has come to visit me three times since! It doesn’t matter what time of day it is, when I appear in front of that window there it is. Yesterday morning when I went to open the blinds, the hummingbird was on the other side of it. Imagine my surprise (and delight)! It came to visit one evening a few days ago while I was standing there by that same window singing a song on video. In fact, I had to shut down the video because I became so distracted by the bird and stood there in awe as it fluttered around me whilst I sang. The last time I had a visit from a hummingbird was during my wedding reception when it flew in the tent. That time I got to hold it and pet it.

This is the actual photo of the hummingbird I got to pet. All we had was a low quality cell phone on us to snap this shot.

Hummingbirds are messengers of Joy and Hope (and even love).

Hummingbird Meaning

“The hummingbird generally symbolizes joy and playfulness, as well as adaptability. Additional symbolic meanings are:

• Lightness of being, enjoyment of life
• Being more present
• Independence
• Bringing playfulness and joy in your life
• Lifting up negativity
• Swiftness, ability to respond quickly
• Resiliency, being able to travel great distances tirelessly”(excerpt taken from THIS website (where you can read more about what hummingbirds symbolize)

When you get reoccurring visits from an animal, pay attention to what your intuition says and how you feel/what you are thinking at the time. That can help clue you in as to what the message is. I won’t share everything I feel the hummingbird was trying to show me, but I will say that part of its job was to remind me to be present to THIS moment. Have joy. Feel lightness of being. Have hope. A deep knowing that the fullness of my joy will return again someday soon once I get through the other side of this grief process.

A process it is. I must be patient. It can’t be rushed and I cannot pressure (nor allow others to pressure me) to be back to “normal” in any imposed time frame. It’s ok to be human. It is ok to feel ALL the feelings. Including JOY in the midst of suffering or grief. It’s a dance (maybe a bit like the hokey pokey ) because being a FEELING human being (which means being fully ALIVE) is just the whole spectrum of emotions. This is life. This is living. It can be everything all at once, and you can flit back and forth between different stages. Just sit with it all and allow. Trust the process. I’ve felt so burdened lately that I needed this reminder to lighten up!

If you are experiencing grief, profound loss, life challenges or changes, or just a bump in the road on your life journey, remember to look around you for signs of hope. Miracles are everywhere! Even present and ever present in the midst of pain.

Will you join me in being a “Miracle Hunter?” You can do this by keeping your eyes peeled each day for all the little things that we often miss or take for granted. Signs from nature, phone calls from friends or even messages from strangers saying the exact thing we needed to hear at that exact moment, happy little surprises, serendipity.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers –

That perches in the soul –

And sings the tune without the words –

And never stops – at all –

-Emily Dickinson

Thanks for joining me on this journey as “Together, We Live Inspired”!

Love, Rebekah

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Growing Wings

Sometimes life knocks us down and we

Forget all that we’re meant to be.

Forget our power and our light,

Forget that we are made for flight.

Forget that we can SOAR above,

Forget that we all come from Love.

Forget that we can overcome,

Forget our story is not done.

Forget the reason we are here,

When weighted down by human fear.

But you are not just flesh and bones,

Broken by life’s sticks and stones!

You, my dear, are made for more,

You are spirit- created to SOAR!

You are Love, you are Light,

You are a star glowing in the night!

You may have forgotten, but it’s okay,

Sometimes life can be that way.

You can grow wings-it’s not too late,

These bumps and potholes aren’t your fate.

It starts with just a single step,

Don’t worry if you feel inept.

Everyone does when they first sprout wings,

It takes awhile to work through these things!

But then step after step you will see,

You’re becoming all you’re meant to be!

Try to trust the process as you go,

It’s all a part of how wings grow.

One day your steps will turn to flight

and you will SOAR to brand new heights!

Enjoy the journey, embrace it all..

Don’t forget- It’s okay to fall.

You’re always supported in all you do,

Remember your wings-

they will see you through.

Copyright Rebekah Ann Stephenson June 8, 2018

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In Between the Silences

In the wee hours of morn,

before the world is stirring much,

before the sun has touched the land with golden fingers of light,

before the first bird has sung her song-

I awaken.

Memories of the past knocking at the door of my mind,

like a distant dream that almost never was.

You were there,

shining your love upon my wounded soul,

like a comforting candle illuminating the dark.

I was there,

witnessing your glory,

seeing myself through the mirror of your eyes.

What a stunning view.

Two souls once intertwined,

now separated by circumstance,

though ever connected through the tangled strands of Time.

I pause.

It’s what I hear in between the silences that’s telling.

The noise of nagging memories,

words spoken,

hearts expressed,

bare souls –

wide open and full of wonder

raw and unabashed

as if the world had paused and ceased its unending cycle,

so only we two could know its secrets.

Frantically I gather these fleeting memories as if they were fragments of gold,

lest I forget the very things that made my soul come alive.

To forget them would be to forget a part of myself.

For a moment, I feel this time lapse now-

in between the silences,

before the world awakens again.

My heart thought it forgot you.

but like the stars never forget the night,

and the sun never forgets the day,

How could my soul erase the glory of you or your love?

How could my heart erase the unexpected union of two souls?

Finding one another

Amid the scattered stardust of all that is.

I pause.

I listen for the beat of my heart and its buried truths.

Revelations…

In between the silences of Life.

Copyright May 25, 2018 by Rebekah Ann Stephenson

(please contact me for permissions if wish you wish to use. I love hearing from people who enjoy my poetry! )

This poem made me think of one I read long ago in high school ( a favorite of my English teacher’s ) “Heart We Will Forget Him“. You can click those words at left to read.

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An Unlikely Bloom

It wasn’t in the garden

It wasn’t with the rest,

It didn’t grow in greenery,

Conditions weren’t the best.

It didn’t have much space to bloom

It didn’t have much light,

Just a concrete jungle

A less than perfect site.

It found a crack in which to bloom

A ray of hope crept in,

And seeped down deep into the dirt

Stirring all within.

A little seed began to sprout

And grow out towards the light,

It pushed its way up through that crack

Rising to new heights.

It grew a little more each day

Until one day it bloomed,

That little seed allowed the light

To transform concrete gloom.

“There is a crack in everything”

As Leonard Cohen said,

And beauty blooms in dirt and cracks-

Not just in well groomed beds.

Copyright Rebekah Ann Stephenson 2018

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Symphony of Life

From February until first frost of Fall,

Everything has its turn.

First the snowdrops,

Then the Winter aconite-

Little woodland flowers,

Dotting the hills with hope.

By March the crocus are coming

purple, white, yellow, striped

Miracle flowers are these-

Pushing their way up through frigid snow.

Soon to follow are the daffodils, hyacinth, hellebores

And then we really know Spring is on its way.

The tulips take their turn,

Opening their bright faces to the sun-

Standing tall,

Dancing in the rain.

Cue tiny buds on trees

Quietly exploding into leaves and blossoms

Adorning bare branches,

And making Earth feel alive again.

Peonies, Lilacs, Roses,

Heady Fragrance,

Copious colors.

Lilies, foxglove, poppies, mums.

From showy dogwoods and magnolias,

To fiery Autumn maples and birches,

From blossom to fruit,

Bareroot to bloom,

Seedling to harvest,

The grand symphony continues.

There is no competition in the garden.

The flowers and trees just are.

They come and go, each in their time.

Everything gets its day in the sun.

Every flower,

Each tree-

A purpose.

There is room for it all.

We appreciate the unique beauty of each living miracle,

Knowing there is nothing quite like it,

On God’s green earth.

And so, may it be with people-

That we may celebrate each other in our glory,

Knowing we too, will have our day in the sun.

For a symphony makes the most beautiful music,

When its made up of many parts.

Copyright Rebekah Ann Stephenson 2018

A photo I took of the aconite and snowdrops in my garden

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This poem I wrote is a simple little poem, but it was inspired by the sudden unexpected passing of a dear friend of mine last week. As more parts of her life and passing are shared with me, I am realizing how much of a difference we all make in each others lives. Whether we realize it or not. I felt these words were important to share , and I hope you enjoy them. If you are reading this, I want to tell you that you matter. Your life is of significance to people. In more ways than you may every know.

*At the end of this poem there are a couple exercises on self love and sharing love with others that you can do if you wish. The poem and exercises are part of a book I am working on publishing . 

You Make a Difference!

by Rebekah Ann Stephenson ©2018

Your life has so much meaning

You may not be aware

Of whom out there is noticing,

Or just how many care.

Those simple things you do each day

That simply make you YOU,

You make a difference in the world,

I hope you know it’s true.

You make a difference with your smile

and with your loving heart,

You make a difference with your words

And also with your art!

You make a difference when you laugh

and even when you cry,

You make a difference when you cook

and clean and wash and dry!

You make a difference as a parent

Partner, friend or neighbor,

And at your job or in your home-

Wherever you do labor.

You’re touching lives every day

as only you can do,

You are a blessing from above,

Remember- this is true.

The world needs you just as you are,

There’s nothing you must prove,

Nothing new that you must add,

And nothing to remove.

So keep being you and doing things

in your own special way,

You never know just who you’ll touch

Tomorrow or Today!

Self Love Exercise: Take a moment to think of all the ways you make a difference in the world, just by being you. Think about the small everyday things too! The things we often don’t give ourselves enough credit for. The things we naturally do. Even things that are part of our daily routine. Write them down. Make a list. Refer to it whenever you need a reminder of just how special you are.

Sharing Love Experiment: Think about the important people in your life. What ways do they make a difference to you just by being them? Make a list or write a letter to each person. If you feel like sharing love, why not send it? (It would make a great Valentine!) They may not even know how important they are or how much the things they do are appreciated. Reflect on this list and notice all the ways you are loved. Deeply Feel it. Let the knowledge of it sink deep into your heart and soul.

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Step 1: Tuning Out the Naysayers

The first thing I had to do was tune out the naysayers. When you have a very clear picture of what you want in your heart, sometimes other people don’t “get it” or think you can’t have it. They may come right out and tell you you can’t have it. They will give you reasons why it probably won’t work. They may think you are ridiculous. Ha! That’s ok! It’s often a projection of their own doubts, fears, concerns, etc. They mean well, and probably even think they are being practical, but they are stuck in their own disbelief. It has nothing to do with YOU, or them consciously wanting to be a killjoy. It is based in their own life experiences. This doesn’t have to dictate YOUR experience though. You get to create your own story. I had to stick to my focus and keep my sights set on what I wanted my/our life to look like.

Step 2: Declaring Affirmations (in my case God’s truth) Out Loud

The second thing I started doing was declaring (out loud) the bible verse that I have been sharing every chapter of this story thus far:

I used God’s truth as an affirmation. Sometimes I had my doubts, but the thing with affirmations is that even if you aren’t 100% confident in what you are declaring when you start, the words start to sink in the more you say them. I would say out loud with authority and emphasis on certain words,  

” For I KNOW the plans I have for you, DECLARES the Lord. Plans to PROSPER you and not to harm you. Plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE. ”  

I dissected the power of this verse. This isn’t a namby pamby statement. This is God declaring it with certainty. He doesn’t kinda sorta think he might have a plan for your future. He KNOWS it. In my sometimes shortsighted humanness, I am not always certain about things. In fact, at times I can be quite fearful about them. What a relief to know I don’t have to be certain, because God is certain FOR me!

I looked up the definition for “declare”:

and then looked up the definition of “emphatic”:

This is a bold declaration folks. For I KNOW the plans I have for you DECLARES the Lord. The message is clear. And this verse, especially that last line, became my mantra.  I would repeat it over and over, both out loud and in my head.

Step 3: Getting a Clear Vision of What I Wanted

You can’t manifest something if you don’t know what you want. You have to give yourself permission to dream and make a wish list. Even if you don’t know “HOW” you are going to get it. The how doesn’t matter at this point. It’s the what that matters. Here was my dream home wish list:

• 3 bedrooms minimum. One for us, one for a guest room (or bedroom for a child perhaps), and a third room I could use for my home studio/art room/home office
• a fireplace. A real wood burning one.
• lots of light and windows. I love big windows and need light. It uplifts me! I don’t like feeling boxed in.
• a 3 season room or screened in porch room
• 2 bathrooms minimum
• a bay window or a large window with a window seat I could read a book at
• a large yard. Preferably a fenced in back yard.
• Not too much of a fixer upper. Something move in ready
• a finished basement or downstairs.
• A home in the neighborhood I grew up in (well, since high school anyway).
• must have garage
• formal dining area
• kitchen with lots of counter space, cupboards , and a nice view when doing dishes
• decent sized bedroom for us
• somewhat open floor plan a plus
• cottagey or vintage style a plus

I would think of how nice it would be to sit by a large window, or a fire, or to hang out in my own personal art room. I started to see myself living this life. Which brings me to my next step-

Acting “As If “

Even though we did not have a home, we were actively looking. In my mind that was pretty much like already having one. So, I began to act like I already had one, and created both Amazon wish lists and Pinterest boards to start planning how I would decorate the home I didn’t yet have. I created categories for each room of my future home. There were Amazon wish lists titled “Kitchen”, “Living Room”, “Master Bedroom” , “Bathroom”, “Home Office/Art Room” , etc. I did a similar thing with Pinterest boards.

Pinterest was the place I would go for inspiration on room colors and looks. Amazon was the place I would go to start actually collecting items I wanted for those rooms. Not even knowing what sort of house we’d get, I started planning out color schemes and had lots of fun window shopping for furniture and decor. Oh it was so much FUN to find pretty things and think I could actually have them in a home of my own one day soon. I did this for the better portion of those two years in which we constantly came in second line for homes.

I even bought a few clearance items to save in my hope chest for my future home. A lamp, fancy refrigerator magnets, pots and pans, some pretty floral arrangements, things like that. When my great grandmother passed away, the hope chest got filled larger and larger, with antique dishes and afghans, and aprons, and many other fun things. Isn’t it both silly and wonderful to plan out color schemes and rooms of a house before you even have one or know what exactly you are getting?

I still have those Amazon wish lists and Pinterest boards today, and continue to dream and add to them. I was planning out and still continue to plan out, the kind of life I want to live. And let me tell you, it works!

Starting to Understand a Piece of God’s Plan for Me

By now you can see the mental shift that happened in me. I was more at peace with not having a home yet. I wasn’t as bitter and depressed as I had been. Hope had crept back in. I had shifted my energy to starting to let go of the house I did not get, and looking forward to having some kind of house. Although, I still doubted it would be as great as the house I thought was “the one”. While I still didn’t know God’s plan for my life, I was starting to understand part of His plan.

You know that whole weird dream business I had where I was told to act on a home and I couldn’t understand having a dream like that (which felt like a divine dream) a week or two too late? Even that was starting to make sense. Everything WAS going perfectly according to His plan. I just couldn’t see it, because the plan wasn’t what I had originally interpreted it to be. I took the dream quite literally and was set on the fact that if I obeyed God, I would have that house. It occurred to me that God had to light a fire under me somehow. After all, He knows my personality. He knows fear can be my stronghold and that I am prone to procrastinating on some things as a result. He had to get my attention somehow I guess!

While obeying God’s calling didn’t get me that home, it did other things for me. It got me off my butt and starting to put some action towards my future. He let me experience losing that home so that I could get out of my comfort zone and start calling realtors. I wouldn’t have felt the urgency to get that ball rolling, were it not for that dream. Who knows how long I would have sat there avoiding my future. He was preparing me for what is to come. His plan wasn’t to harm me. It quite literally was, “to give me hope and a future”.

The Second Dream (& Asking for Help)

Don’t be afraid to ask family, friends, contacts you have, to help you with your goal! I asked my Mom to keep a look out for houses that fit the location and list of what I wanted. If they had any connections that could help, all the better.

During this time that we couldn’t seem to hop on houses before they already had bids, my parents mentioned the potential for a house that would be on the market one day. My parents took care of an elderly couple who were in their 90’s and living in the hospital. They were neighbors of ours, but lived on another block and I had never met them. Which is too bad, because I can see now that I would have had much in common with the elderly woman especially (but I am getting ahead of myself). My dad had asked the man if he thought of selling his house (it pretty much sat empty for a couple years). He said no, but that it would be a great home for someone.

The man passed away, and time went on and I had put that home out of my head. It could be years before it was available and I didn’t know what the house looked like or if it would be what we were looking for anyway. Several months later I had another one of my dreams. When I say another one of my dreams, I mean the kind that seem different from my typical dreams. These dreams feel like messages from God, as odd as that may sound. In this dream, I saw an obituary in the newspaper and got the feeling I was supposed to check into the potential of the house I had put out of my mind. Ironically, when I woke up, my parents were reading the newspaper, and my dad told me the widow they had been taking care of had passed away. It wasn’t too many months after her husband had passed.

Mom went to the funeral visitation, because she had come to be friends with this neighbor during her time caring for her. The neighbor was an artist named Lilian, but everyone called her Libby. She had given Mom one of her paintings, and Mom had given her a prayer shawl while she was still living. At the visitation, Mom wanted to buy a book Libby’s son had published, which was a book of her artwork. They were out of copies, so told Mom to stop by the house sometime because they would be in town awhile yet. While at the house, she was talking to Lilian’s sons and somehow it worked out to where she was able to delicately bring up the subject of the house and her engaged daughter looking for a home. The sons didn’t live around here, and were going to be selling their parents estate. One of them gave Mom their number for me to call them about coming to see the house.

And so I did.

The First Step Towards Our Future

I called and set up a time for Matt to go see the house. Believe it or not, I did not go to look at it at this point. I wanted to, but I was dealing with some benign positional vertigo at the time, and truth be told I didn’t feel quite ready to take the next step out of  my comfort zone yet. I was excited, but I could also feel anxiety rising up in me. These were big steps and big decisions for me. This whole marriage and buying a house thing. So this time I let Matt scope it out first.

He went, he came back and said it was really nice and well taken care of! He told me how it had an art room where Lilian (Libby) used to paint, and a home office downstairs where Phil used to do his business. Both of which he told the sons I needed . Being that he is a man, and a quiet man at that, I really didn’t get much of a description. And you know how we women are. We want details!!

So, you probably think the story ends here. You probably think I went to see the house next and that we bought the house and got our dream home. I mean this story is long enough already….when is the end coming?! Well…not today folks . HA! Because guess what? Today’s chapter ends with me finding out that although we were invited to come see the house, someone else had gotten to it first! Even though this time we had the advantage of knowing about the home immediately, before it could even go to market, with the advantage of my parents having known the previous owners. We were told that someone else had first dibs, and it was basically left that they had our number and would call if anything changed.

CRIMINY! (or as Mom would say, “Criminy to Pete!!) , Here we go again…..

Stay tuned for the next chapter, coming soon!

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While the house thing was a done deal, I still had some healing to do with my health issues. I am sure being stuck in bed in pain didn’t help my mood. That and the fact that once I WAS able to walk again , the house we lost was literally right there staring at me every day as a reminder. Of course several people tried to encourage me by saying that God had an even better house in store for us. I had a hard time believing that. How on earth could anything beat that house? Anything we could afford that is. It seemed like a once in a lifetime opportunity to get such a nice (and large) home that would normally be out of our budget. That was the discounted price of a lifetime. Everything else seemed to pale in comparison.

Experiencing Depression & Temporary Hopelessness:

Between my doubt that God would ever have something “better” in store for me, and the physical pain I was in that Summer, I had some depression for awhile. I started to feel hopeless about my future. I think it was about more than just losing the home. This was the culmination of a previous decade + of losses of some kind or another, and having patience as I very slowly worked at re-creating my life, after it all seemed to unravel by age 19. Up until this point, by the Grace of God, I hadn’t suffered from depression (despite my circumstances). A host of physical health issues, and lots of fear, insomnia, panic attacks, and traumatic events, yes. Yet somehow I had not become bitter, and had kept my joy in the midst of suffering. I had hope and faith in God and was living inspired.

Maybe it was because the challenging things kept piling up. I guess this last disappointment sort of brought things to a head. I started to wonder how I would ever get married, have a home of my own that I loved, and move forward in life. The hopelessness I felt led me to finally decide to seek some help for the first time, as I was tired of going it alone. Not having health insurance at the time, I chose a licensed Christian counselor. It did help me get through that difficult time and strengthen my faith in God again, even though it turned out to be a bit of a disaster in the end, because this person wasn’t very professional and had some personal issues of their own that were projected my way. I will kindly leave their inappropriateness at that and have gratitude for the good parts.

The House Hunting Continues…

Reaching out for help did serve the purpose of at least giving me the boost I needed! I began searching for houses again online and kept a close eye out for homes that came up for sale in this neighborhood, which was where I really wanted to live. I moved so much in my childhood, and was now old enough to want to settle down. I never did like moving much, and I didn’t want Matt and I to begin our marriage in a starter home, only to have to move again later. I just wanted to find a house I loved that we could grow old in. One house. One move. The needs that I had and the vision in my heart was pretty specific. The location especially. It was such a small specific area I was looking at, that I didn’t know how long we would have to wait before more homes became available.  It may sound odd to be so picky, but I knew what I wanted and didn’t want to settle.

As it turned out, other homes kept popping up for sale in this two year time frame after we lost the “dream home”. At least half a dozen or more. Every time a new one would pop up, I would get excited! But something discouraging kept happening. Every single time I called a realtor, the homes would already have an offer on them. It didn’t matter how fast I was! I would look at the websites daily for new listings, and would even call on houses that were literally just listed that day, and they would have accepted offers. This wasn’t happening with other homes on the market. Only the ones I was interested in.

This went on for two years. Two years of always being second in line and losing out on house after house, no matter how fast I acted. There were only 2 homes that didn’t fly out the door immediately. One was a two bedroom 1 bath, small home on a slab (no basement). The other was a nice larger home, but it was way too much of a fixer upper inside. The amount of money we’d have to sink into to it to redo it would make this home out of our budget.

I remember my fiance getting so discouraged about it that he was ready to settle for just about any house on the market that we could afford, just to have a home. My dad also started to say that it was impossible. I wouldn’t get the specific home I wanted and would have to settle for something less or I would be waiting for a decade.

Well I had gotten my moxie back and wasn’t giving up on that vision God planted in my heart! It was a small mustard sized seed of faith, but God says that is all we need….

“You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.” – Matthew 17:20 NLT

Stay tuned for the next installment of my journey from hopelessness to miracles, as I make the mental shift and start to manifest my God sized dream!

With Love,

Rebekah

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We last left off where God showed me a scene in a dream and urged me to act by calling a realtor on the house that I thought would be ours. I obeyed and nervously (but excitedly) called a realtor that very day. This was a big leap of faith and step out of my comfort zone. I was taking the first (big) action towards my future. It was a hotter than heck day and I can remember having to talk myself in to going over there to meet with the realtor because I almost backed out of doing it. I used to deal with anxiety more in those days, but I made myself do it because I was on a mission .

I fell in love with the large open living rooms, and there were many things the house had that were on my dream list. A screened in porch room, fireplace, window seats, etc. I knew the elderly couple who used to live there. The lady was an artist like myself. I was sold on the idea of this house and we made an offer on it for ironically, the exact dollar amount that was given to me in that dream. Matt and I left the appointment with the realtor, pretty sure that this was our new home. How exciting!  Except it wasn’t…

It’s All Downhill From Here…

We get a call from the realtor (who had originally told us there were no offers on that house) and just like in my dream, she tells us that another couple had bid. They had ironically bid the same amount that I saw in the dream. Our offer was accepted, as a back up offer in case the first offer fell through. Our realtor said this wasn’t a typical sale. The people didn’t even live here. They lived far away in another state and didn’t even plan to live in this house. She encouraged us to not lose hope, because it was such an odd thing that she thought it was possible we might still get the house.

I decided to stay strong in my faith, because surely God gave me this dream and urged me to act before it was too late for a reason. Right? Our realtor called with an update on the status of things, and while I was running to the phone to answer, I accidentally dropped my glass of water. It broke on the wood floor, and my foot raked across it. The glass was so sharp that I didn’t feel the cut, but the bottom of my foot sliced open and I saw blood everywhere.

This was my first time seeing a larger amount of my own blood, and apparently I am squeamish at the sight of it. I nearly passed out. I couldn’t even look at my foot and asked mom to check it out for me. It was pretty bad and I wound up with a bandaged foot that I was unable to walk on for weeks. Unfortunately, spending a few weeks lying around waiting for my foot to heal, and putting all my weight on my right side while using crutches, caused my sciatic nerve issue to flare up.

The Summer of 2011, will be remembered as the Summer I spent almost entirely in bed, unable to walk, sit or get comfortable, due to intense pain. This was my state of being while I waited out the 30 days to see what happened with the house that I thought was supposed to be ours. The closing date came around, and the other couple still didn’t have the house. Hope! I thought for sure this was God at work. I can remember feeling relieved and excited, because we were originally told that if the house didn’t close in 30 days, it would be our turn. The realtor called to tell me they had been given a two week extension. 2 more weeks of waiting on pins and needles. In the end we lost the home and the other party won.

I’m So Confused. What is God’s Plan?

This was hard for me and a challenge to my faith. I didn’t understand God’s plan for me. I can remember getting tired of being in bed and asking Mom to help me walk outside (the pain was so bad that it was hard to walk without assistance), all the while spouting off in anger and hopelessness at God.

“Why God?! Why did this home I never thought we could have drop down to our price range? Why did you give me this dream with exact dollar amounts and an urgency to act just 2 weeks too late?! Why didn’t you give me this dream earlier? What was the point?! Why am I stuck in bed in so much pain barely able to walk in the midst of all of this?! Is this all some joke? Haven’t I endured enough up until this point? Do you really care about me? Is there really a plan for my future?!”

It just made no sense to me. This house sat on the market for 2 years without a single offer. What are the odds that I have this dream where I am urged to act, and I do, and it turns out that after 2 years, someone from another state comes and makes an offer just a week or two before we did. I couldn’t understand why God would lead me to act a week or two too late. Even harder to understand was that unlike us, this couple did not need a home and did not plan to live there. They were turning it in to some sort of rental place for college students, which is unusual for our neighborhood.

Why would God put me through all of this? I went from not thinking this was even possible, to thinking it was quite probable. I had allowed myself to dream about my future. I had started to plan things out in my head. I put my fears aside to go after what I wanted with my faith turned all the way on, and it didn’t happen. It felt like having something delicious dangled in front of you, and then snatched away. None of it made sense to me. I couldn’t understand God’s plan.

It would be 2 more years of disappointment and patiently waiting before I found out what God really had in store for me…

* Stay tuned for the next installment where I start to see God’s plan for me revealed!

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