I’ve never really had much of a problem with my clinic before but this kind of almost sent me over the edge. At this point I’m just getting frustrated with everything to do with my clinic since it just seems like I’m paying a lot of money to get my blood drawn and have ultrasounds shoved up my crotch, both of which aren’t super high on my list of things I like to do. And I’ve been really nice to OccDoc this cycle so I have to take my hormone-driven passive aggression out somewhere. I wanted to say, ‘Bitch, look at my damn file. I have spent enough money in the past 12 months to warrant a ‘rush’ on my fucking beta.‘ But I didn’t say that, instead I said, ‘Whatever, just schedule it.‘ I figured that was a rude enough response to ruin the next ten minutes of her day since she annoyed me.

When I get there bright and early on Saturday I’ll talk to the nurses and/or medical assistants who are working the weekend to make sure they get me the results same day, which they will since they are competent and sensitive to their patients’ needs. Fortunately the clinic doesn’t go through nurses and medical assistants quite so quickly and I know all of them pretty well.

I hope you all have a nice holiday weekend! I’ll post an update on Saturday…if I get the results same day.

The other day when I got home from work I almost poured myself a 7 & 7; wow, yeah, it was one of those days. Before I started pouring I realized I should take a pregnancy test to figure out if I should be drinking it or not. I was too lazy and apathetic to drive to the store to pick up a pregnancy test. I ate a piece of fruit and some dark chocolate instead, probably the healthier choice, but really not a replacement for what I really wanted. But I did feed part of my apple to my rabbits and dogs so that made my day a little better.

I’m at the point where my main thought is not, ‘OMG I might be pregnant, how exciting!‘ but ‘Alright, let’s get this over with.‘ I’m not being overly pessimistic about it, I don’t even care enough to be pessimistic about it. Maybe deep down I’m not apathetic, but actually reeling from the amount of money we have absolutely wasted, yes wasted, on getting pregnant. Or reeling from the fact that out of the 27 eggs that have been removed from my body and the 5 embryos (4 of which were blastocysts) nothing has stuck, minus the 1 embryo they transferred this cycle which is still a maybe at this point. Or maybe I’m reeling from the fact that my doctor made it seem like IVF with ICSI was a no-brainer cure and would easily fix our problem (we just have to do ICSI – WTF?! Just?). Or maybe I’m reeling from the fact my doctor didn’t make it crystal clear that we would probably need way more than 2 fresh IVFs and 2 frozen cycles when we made it clear we had a spending limit and a stopping point; he made us feel like since I didn’t have any ovulation or egg quality issues we just needed to inject some sperm into a few eggs and Poof! problem solved. Or maybe I’m reeling from the fact we need to move on to fucking Plan Z at this point. Or maybe I’m reeling from the fact that July will mark 3 years and I never thought I’d be here. Or maybe I’m reeling because, so far, time hasn’t dulled the pain. Or maybe it’s just the fact I need to pick up my phone, dial numbers, and talk to people to schedule my blood work when I’m not in the mood.

Introducing Sylvia! The good news is she didn’t feel the need to get up while I was taking her photo (Dennis always felt the need to charge at you and try to eat the camera which meant taking photos was a tricky business).

I know it’s probably not a good idea to ‘replace’ a pet, but I just really needed to ease my aching heart a bit. No bun can ever replace Dennis, but I can open my home up to a new bunny. Plus, I deserve a little bit of sunshine and happiness in my life.

Um, those are her real eyelashes. I’m totally jealous of her!