As far back as I can remember, I’ve always said I didn’t want to have children when I grow up. As a young child, my reasoning was that I didn’t want a “tummy ache.” As a teenager, I didn’t want to get fat. As an adult, I couldn’t risk loving so much that I couldn’t control the potential pain I could experience. The bottom line… everything boiled down to me.

Three years ago I began an unknown [to me] journey of whole-heartedness. As I’ve grown in knowing the depths of God’s love for me it has slowly unraveled the grip of control I’ve held on my carefully managed life. As I’ve experienced this freedom it has propelled me into a Larger Story that looks beyond just me and my fears.

As Daniel and I have stepped into this realm of foster care it has broken my heart in ways I never imagined could be broken. A common thing you hear from others is “I could never do what you’re doing – I would never be able to give a child back.” That’s a very valid point and one that must be carefully considered before you embark on such a mission. I, however, foolishly thought that would be the easy part. To me, the hardest part of fostering would be to love someone else’s child every day regardless of their challenges that are brought on by no fault of your own. What does it look like to love whole-heartedly?

My crash course in parenting happened with a 5 year old princess that turned my world up-side-down. I call her Little Miss Sunshine because on our second night she spent a whole hour dancing on the floor at Panera Bread in such fashion that reminded me of the final scene of the same named movie. All I could do was smile as she did her thing on the dance floor.

We had the privilege of pouring our heart and lives into this princess for three months. In the last two weeks we walked through what felt like the darkest period my sheltered life had experienced. It was in this time I felt the depths of whole-hearted love and whole-hearted pain.

I was aware of a tension between the birth-mother towards us as foster parents. Her perception was that I couldn’t have children of my own, so I was out to steal hers. Stab.my.heart. Replaying her words in my head brought a flood of tears to my eyes. Tears that reflected the pain of being misunderstood, unknown, unappreciated and exhausted from giving all I had to a situation that felt hopeless. I cried all afternoon. God, this is too hard. My grace is sufficient, is all I heard.

Shortly thereafter we were faced with a realization that this was not a safe situation and forced to consider releasing this princess into the hands of new parents. I wrestled for days, through tears, with the fear that we had failed, we were giving up, we would cause more pain to a precious child that has already experienced so much in her life. God, how could this be part of her story?

Through tear stained eyes I asked my husband, are we doing the right thing? I couldn’t see God for the life of me. I couldn’t understand how His Best for this child was something other than me. (I know, that’s absurd.) I may not be the best substitute mother, but I at least knew my whole heart was in it. And in this moment, that whole heart felt shattered…. with pieces everywhere.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters.

As we stepped into what we believed to be obedience in God’s direction of releasing this child, I had to trust that He loved her more than I ever could. We walked through darkness, knowing we had no control over her future. We realized that the easy thing would be to hold-on out of our own pain avoidance. God was calling us to let go, for his greater purposes. So we did. And it hurt. With whole-hearted love comes whole-hearted pain.

But God amazes me. I received a call from the new foster mom that was preparing to receive our Little Miss Sunshine. She shared how she had prayed for us all night only imagining how hard releasing this child must be for us. It felt as though God was gathering the pieces of my shattered heart and restoring what had been broken. There are so many ways that this new home was perfect for a princess, but I can’t share for confidentiality purposes. But as we drove to the new home, she asked me what color her new foster mom’s eyes were. I told her I didn’t know I had never seen her. You see, she had told us before that she wished her blue eyes were brown, so she could “match” us. Nothing about her blonde haired, blue eyed self matched Daniel and me. She longed to belong.

Needless to say, God cares about details. This home was prepared for a child they had never met yet loved before they ever laid eyes on her. She walked into her new bedroom decorated with purple walls – purple is her favorite color. And when she looked into her new foster mom’s blue eyes, I knew that God was near.

It has been 4 weeks since we left Little Miss Sunshine with those we believe are an answer to many prayers. I’m overwhelmed with God’s goodness and faithfulness to us and this child. I’m grateful that I can look back and know I gave it my all, and even though we were just a small part of her story, it was worth every tear.

Love is.

After several years of working in the corporate world Abby Mandella was ready for a change. She took a job with Wellspring Group not knowing that it would be a life changing position for both her and her husband Daniel. After 4 years, Abby and Daniel have been through the Battle for the Heart process and it continues to impact every area of their life. Abby is the Operations Director of Wellspring Group. She and Daniel currently live in Florida.

Mary and I recently made a quick trip to Dothan, our home of 59 years, so she could deliver a portrait to a client. While there we visited with John D. Reese and his wife Gemma. John D. is a longtime friend and pastoral mentor during my 30s and 40s. He and Gemma were great encouragers to us and Jonathan in those years. He is 85 and retired last year from being a full time pastor of the small nondenominational church he has been pastor of for 42 years.

He is a brilliant, gifted man who felt called of God to shepherd a small church. As he did he faithfully ministered not only to them but to many people outside of his congregation. In light of my own success issues, I sometimes wondered why he labored in such a setting, yet he was always faithful to his call. He loved me and many others well. last Saturday he shared that, as he retired, he had a deep sense that he had faithfully fulfilled the call of God on his life. I trust that my dear friend has many more years of faithful ministry left, but as I reflected on our visit it was as if God gave me a glimpse of the finish line.

Feelings:

Deep gratitude for how he has touched my life, Mary’s and our son Jonathan. Thankful for the part he played in a critical time of our lives. Admiration for “his long obedience in the same direction,” for how he loved many, many people well with no concern for gain, for his commitment to obedience not external measures of success. Conviction and inspiration to finish my life and ministry well, to persevere in obedience to the call of God on my life, to give in obedience to God without regard to gain or the perceived impact.

Desire:

To love well, to be faithful, to focus on that which is eternal and not the urgent temporal pressures of the moment. To come to the end of my life and know that I’ve fulfilled the part God has given to me, that in the words of Paul, “I fought a good fight, I finished the race, and I kept the faith.”

Choice:

To continue in the path God has been revealing over these last eight months to stay the course in the calling he has given me and this ministry, to walk in the way of suffering, crucifixion and resurrection one day at a time, to focus on what will be most important to me as I come to the end of my life, to ever increasingly trust God and to experience the resurrection, life and glory of the Trinity now and forevermore.

There’s a song titled Hosanna, by Hillsong United with a bridge that says “...Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love, like you have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks yours; everything I am for your kingdom’s cause, as I walk from earth into eternity.” I remember singing this a few years ago, feeling it deeply in my heart and sensing the Lord saying “if you really mean it, you better be ready.”

I don’t know if you can ever be ready. Who walks into something thinking, I hope this hurts!? Certainly not me! I try to avoid pain at all costs. But as we’ve stepped into this journey and experienced the heartbreak of the fallen-ness of our world, my heart is expanding. I am forever grateful for the tools I’ve gained through my few years at Wellspring to help me identify what is happening in my own heart but also see others’ actions through a lens of grace, knowing there’s a deep desire that is driving their actions and an enemy that is hunting them. I feel like I’m living out the 4 Realities on a daily basis…. My territory is being enlarged and my heart is breaking for the pain that so many live in.

What does this do for me? It seems like the need is huge, overwhelming, hopeless but I feel motivated to engage those God brings into our lives and offer love, beauty and rest. When I consider this specific situation my deep desire is that this child know three things:

1. She is worth protecting
2. She is worth loving
3. She has a heavenly father that loves her more than any person ever could.

I long for her parents to succeed, to fight for their children and their own lives. I am incredibly motivated to see the Battle for the Heart reach more people… how can we equip the church to do this well? Each day I see how the church is failing unbelievers – we can be so focused on the body we’re losing the lost. It hurts. God’s heart is broken indeed.

I feel loved, protected and blessed beyond measure to have had the life and childhood that I did. I see God’s gracious hand in every piece of my story. My hope is that even though we don’t get everything right, the people we are involved with will see God through us. I’m choosing to stay engaged…. even when all I want to do is cry. Thank you for being part of our fellowship that loves and supports us, propelling us into this part of our story.

Abby is the Operations Director of Wellspring Group. For three years she has been a part of the all the "ins and outs" of Wellspring and has kept her "finger on the pulse" of what is going on.

Since December we’ve had an unusual number of major challenges in the ministry that have had significant personal impact. As I’ve sought the Lord through all of this I began seeing how, when situations appear overwhelming, I tend to go to despair or domination. The amount of perceived control I have determines which way I go.

 If it seems that I have little to no control I go to despair. I want to give up and quit. Those feelings usually don’t last long but lately they have come more often and it seems that I go there more quickly than in the past.
If it seems that I have control in the situation then I go to dominance. This tendency is one I’ve seen much more clearly in the last few years and I seldom go there now.

I was meeting with a friend last Tuesday in Birmingham. I could feel myself struggling some and so I chose to be vulnerable about what I was experiencing. He vigorously pursued me and as he did I realized that both extremes are driven by results. Good results like partner churches, Battle for Your Heart participants, coming through for people personally and organizationally. It seems that these results are often tied to organizational success.

As the light dawned, it struck me that I’m violating my own definition of masculinity: to engage with strength and love offering life and growth to my domain. The key word is offering, not controlling, not despairing; just offering life motivated by love and not success. I also realized that I’m focusing on temporal circumstances and not eternal realities.

As conviction and repentance came, I experienced peace, rest and joy.

On Wednesday I met with two elders at Oak Mountain to review their Key Leader Coaching process. In one evaluation sent prior to the meeting he wrote his key verse from the process at the top:

“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

I laughed then and I do now. This is the passage, along with Joshua 1, that I’ve been reflecting on almost every day since December 10. God was clearly whispering to me his words from Joshua 1:9

As feelings of discouragement come, I choose to engage with love, strength and courage not giving way to discouragement or despair but trusting God for his eternal purposes to be worked out regardless of what I can or cannot see in the present circumstance.

When I pause to reflect and still my soul I see and know God is here. I trust his heart and his eternal purposes. I see amazing, beautiful ways he is speaking, guiding and providing providentially, supernaturally. When I stay in this knowing there is hope, joy, peace, perseverance and ultimate victory!

     In my own journey of discovering my place in God’s Larger Story, I come across readings that sometime jolt and reorient me to my place in this Story. In Chris Webb’s The Fire of the Word: Meeting God on Holy Ground, I was brought to face afresh my favorite protective strategy of isolation. When I begin to feel pressed down and shaken by the challenges of relationships or by circumstances that are not providing me with immediate good, I default into withdrawing from those relationships and circumstances through isolating into my own private places of silence and solitude. Sometimes it is hard for me to recognize that I am retreating into myself rather than retreating into God’s presence. I often need the loving engagement of others to see the dry fruit of isolation in contrast to the rich life in Christ.

     Chris Webb’s pointed comment that “there are no disinterested observers in the universe, only engaged participants” has taken me aback as I look at how my isolation, my attempt to become a disinterested observer, is a false stance. Isolation as a protective strategy changes the story that I am participating in. I move from my natural condition of being a participant in a Story so large that I am overwhelmed by it to one I control by pulling lint off my sweater so that I when I make my next grand appearance, I will be neat and tidy.

      Webb expands the participant theme with the “Bible is a vast, intricate and magnificent spiritual universe of stories, ideas, songs, poetry, wisdom and prophecy, within which we can walk and dwell with God…We are participants in this spiritual world.”

      I am left with the Psalmist’s cry, “Where shall I go from your Spirit? or where shall I flee from your presence…If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.” God’s Larger Story is everywhere, and He is inviting my participation in that Story wherever I find myself.

     Terry Mitchell is a former English professor and adventurer of sorts, whose wanderings find him in Atlanta as a Christian counselor, spiritual director, and workshop developer with Soul Care, www.soulcare.net. Terry co-taught the inaugural Wellspring Retreat with Larry in November 2003 and has been actively involved with WG as a retreat speaker and small group facilitator in the Battle events for nearly nine years and has recently served as a spiritual director in the WG 5-day Silent Retreats. Terry and his wife, Dot, are enjoying the adventure together of their 38 years of marriage.

 

Last Saturday evening, my wife Jenny and I went for a walk around our neighborhood. It was a beautiful day and we didn’t want the sun to go down before we walked a couple of miles. About a quarter mile into our stroll we said hello to one of our neighbors that we see from time to time. Roy, 92, a retired and widowed gentleman, was raking a few leaves and pine straw near his house. As we greeted, he moved toward us as if he wanted to talk which was a bit unusual. We paused our walk and exchanged handshakes.

 Jenny had gotten to know Roy and his wife through their participation in the Friends of the Avis G. Williams Library in our neighborhood. I’m not sure how we stumbled into a conversation about college and education, but pretty soon Roy was talking about when he joined the Army Air Corps during World War II after two years of college. He was a navigator on a B-24 Liberator. Roy told us a few vignettes of his experience. Once, due to weather, they had to land in Iceland and then Ireland before making it to England. During our conversation, Roy’s eyes were crystal clear except for two narratives that he shared. The first time he was explaining about how he was not the “lead navigator” for his group, but was a navigator for one of the planes in a formation. After his tour of duty of flying bombing sorties over Europe was coming to a close, the lead navigator sought him out and commended Roy on the excellent job he had done and said, “you should’ve been a lead navigator.” Roy’s eyes turned watery red for 20 seconds or so and then he continued.

 He said that his relationship with the pilot of his plane wasn’t that great and he often felt under appreciated. He described a mission when Roy gave the pilot very specific directions to avoid attack, “Make a 90 degree turn to the right and fly for three minutes then turn left.” Apparently, this saved their mission and perhaps their lives. Later, back at their base in England, the pilot sought out Roy and said, “Good work, back there. You really saved us.” And, again, Roy’s eyes turned red and glistened with tears. As I listened and watched, I could see that he was deeply touched by those memories. Later, I remembered the closing scene from “Saving Private Ryan” when Ryan asked his wife, “Am I a good man?” I wasn’t able to engage with Roy the other day in much depth, but my heart tells me that he was asking that question, too. And he was asking us to affirm that, too. As we gladly did.

 I was reminded of one of the ways that we (our fellowship) can protect each other through being the voice of God or the echo of God’s voice. Reality 4 of the Battle for the Heart process breaks this down for us. “Validation authenticates the reality or essence of something. Affirmation agrees with that validation.” Truly, our validation comes from the Triune God our creator, lover and redeemer, and we receive affirmation from the body of Christ and usually a small subset of that body.

 If you are asking yourself the question “Where am I hearing the voice of God?” or “Am I a good man?” You may want to review Reality 4B in the Battle For Your Heart manual and take some to reflect and listen for the inner Voice of love that bears witness with your spirit that you are God’s beloved.

Jimmy is a Wellspring alumnae and event facilitator who has submitted numerous posts for our blog. He recently published his book "Sacred Heart Attack."  

With haste we gathered all the long branches and began strategically leaning and weaving them into a house-like structure as night set in and the light from the sun said its final adieu. As darkness was quickly coming upon us, I looked up and saw my nephew just standing there with his back to me. I asked him what he was doing and he said, “Shhhhhhh, I’m praying.” “What are you praying about?” I asked. He replied, “More time.” Then in his small voice with the purest heart believing that his Father’s heart was good toward him, even in fort making, he prayed, “God, please give us more time,” and quickly carried on with the project at hand.

I was hit by the reality that this kid’s got it! He truly believes that God loves him enough to give Him his desires. In that moment he desired more time AND he stopped, asked and then believed without doubting. As we placed the last stick that we had gathered onto the structure we had deemed as our stick fort the light had just faded into a point of evening. I smiled as I felt God smiling about what had taken place in that little heart and the refreshment I had experienced by my nephew’s active perspective of God.

I was taken back to the days when I believed in such a way. I remember praying as a small child that I would find my Sunday shoes on Sunday mornings so I wouldn’t get in trouble for losing them yet again. I remember rejoicing over finding them on numerous occasions and knowing that God had helped me.

Where did that first response of going to God for anything or in my times of need go to? Where did I start being my “go to” and then God being the last result in an effort to not bother Him with trivial things.

God cared about me finding my shoes back then, He cares about my nephew’s desire to have light so he could make his stick fort, and He cares about even the smallest question, burden or challenge in my life right now.

What needs have you tried to carry and deal with on your own?

Why not talk to Him about it?

Why not believe that what the scripture says is for every moment of every day?

Stop. Ask. Believe.

This happened when one of their children joined the Mormon Church, then married someone raised in that culture. Over thirty years later my parents still have an open and positive relationship with that child and each grandchild from that marriage that ended in divorce.

In their unique position of influence, Mom and Dad faithfully prayed for their child and grandchildren. They kept reaching out by visiting, hosting, giving, and calling. My parents kept leaning into each relationship through that family’s pain and discord. What my parents gave their family and community was truly a supernatural moving picture of God’s kindness and goodness. They modeled incredible unconditional love.

I want to be like them. What will it take for me to “keep my love on” when close family members “do life” outside my level of comfort and desire? We’re sorting that out. Entirely new parenthood opportunities are suddenly on the horizon of our lives. Front and center in our minds are questions like these: What will we regret later should we choose to be threatened or offended in this situation? What could we gain should we respond with loving grace?

I think I’m getting a new picture of unconditional love from Heaven’s perspective. It is a humbling one. As parents we are seeking to honor and respect. We want to love through, around, and beyond whatever our family members choose. This is not easy. Mistakes have been made. In practical terms it looks like praying our heart’s desire to Jesus and avoiding questioning, challenging, cajoling, hinting, pressuring – anything driven by fear or pride.

One thing I love about my Wellspring community is the ongoing opportunity to hear numerous stories from others making similar thoughtful choices. Every one of us is battling for the hearts of those we love. Thank you for the courage to step into the light with your story! I am grateful for the ways you’ve leveled the vulnerability playing field with me, stepping out with courage and extending the invitation to hope.

How about you? In what ways are you being challenged to walk in a similar way? As you consider your choices, rest in the fact that through the landscape of your life, the One who knows you the best and loves you the most has loved you unconditionally. You’ve got what it takes to respond in kindness.

 Kathy Stoltzfus is the face of Wellspring Group's women’s ministry. Kathy co-leads our women’s events and our facilitator equipping track.

During the whole process the harsh, grumpy, very particular woman proved to be a challenge to work with and to satiate due to what we later find out is related to her life story and struggle she experienced with her father in her childhood. Walt Disney realizes that the reason she was having a hard time releasing control over the movie project was due to her experiences she still held on to and carried as a burden after the death of her father.

In a last effort to create the film, Disney travels to London to speak with P.L. Travers. For me the most powerful scene in that film takes place in that quaint London living room over tea. Disney connects with Travers by sharing a struggle he had in his life with his father and then spoke right to the heart of the cold woman sitting in front of him. Disney told her that she had to learn to finish her story differently and not continue to live in the weight of the past. Though Disney thought that it was the unforgiveness she had toward her father that held her back for all these years, he soon realizes that it wasn’t him she hadn’t forgiven but it was herself. She had given herself a harsh sentence to live with and had not been able to release herself with forgiveness.

Seeing that scene I can think of numerous sentences I too have placed on myself. Standards I have created in my head that crept into my belief system that led to shame and ultimately fear and keeps me from finishing my story differently than the way I currently am allowing it to be written.

In what areas are you sentencing yourself when those around you and God himself don’t condemn you?

Saturday night we hosted our first Christmas Open House in our new home in Atlanta. Part of Mary’s unique expression is to create places and spaces that invite people into life, beauty, and rest. She has certainly done that in our home here. We were privileged to experience the life, laughter and beauty of many friends as we experienced our theme for the evening expressed on a Christmas postcard.

Celebrating God’s Faithful Presence

Throughout the Old Testament God promised his people that he would be with them. That promise became flesh in the Incarnation of Christ! Ultimately the promise comes to us through the indwelling Spirit in the very body of Christ, our brothers and sisters.

Today Mary and I celebrate the faithful presence of God to us through his Spirit and through you our brothers and sisters. We look back on 60 years of life, 40 years of marriage, ten years of Wellspring Group, one year in Atlanta, our family and you. We are humbled with God’s kind presence, in awe of his amazing grace, deeply grateful for you. We celebrate the utter goodness of God to us.

Today we ask you to pause, look back and celebrate the faithful presence of God in your life! As you do, consider sharing with someone during this celebration God’s goodness to you.
To God be the glory!

I am deeply blessed to see Mary feel more at home here as she expresses who she uniquely is in this environment. Together we have indeed experienced the faithful presence of God as expressed in “A Christmas Carol.” We pray you may as well.

And so, as Tiny Tim said,

"A Merry Christmas to us all; God bless us, every one!"

It started in the shower this morning. I enjoy long, hot showers. They wake me up everymorning (the reason I don't need coffee before lunch) and sooth my aching joints and sore muscles after athletic events. For me hot showers are among life's little pleasures. I expressed to God my gratitude for hot running water.

Then I thought of the family I spent a night with in Honduras during a mission trip. Their shower was a hose from an external faucet stuck through a hole in the bathroom wall. Those people don't have hot running water. They have never experienced the bliss of a hot shower. I was struck by the realization that I have come to consider hot showers a basic necessity of life. They are not.

On my way to church I noticed that my car is only a few miles away from 100k. I reflected on how far I travel in a year's time and wondered what it would be like not to have a car. Many people in ATL don't have their own vehicles. Many cultures today still exist with few or no vehicles. People have lived throughout the ages without such modes of transportation just as they have survived without running water—much less hot showers.

At church we saw a presentation on Redeemer, Trinity's (my church’s) daughter church in Vine City, which is one of the five most dangerous zip codes in the US. A number of Trinity members moved there to become part of that neighborhood and show them that they are not simply a project to Trinity. They live among them and can now say, "Your dangerous schools and parks are our dangerous schools and parks. We are committed to you and invested in sharing the love of Christ with you." The story of Redeemer gripped my heart.

They have a monthly worship service in the neighborhood and plan to launch Redeemer with weekly services this spring. I am single with no kids and few responsibilities. It occurred to me that I could feasibly move there to become part of that mission. For me it would be a relatively small sacrifice, and I would take great joy in bringing the message of hope in Christ and a Larger Story in which to live to a group of people who desperately need more than this world to live for. And I now have more income that could be used for Kingdom purposes than I have had in the last five years. Who knows what God might do.

Before the speaker spoke a word of the sermon on resurrection, God was already deepening my conviction and awareness that my life is about much more than me. It is about much more than building a successful career doing what I love, preparing financially for retirement, finding a wife (for my own happiness) with whom I could start a family and raise children. My life is ultimately about the eternal ripples that result from the splash of my presence in this world. It is about Jesus revealing His heart through me, offering life and hope to a world that is dead and hopeless without Him.

The speaker challenged us at the end of his sermon to live in such a way that our transition into eternity is seamless because we have already been living in it. May my attachments to the things of this world grow dim and the light of Christ shine eternity into my heart with increasing brightness and brilliance. May it spill over into others in my life in a way that transforms them as well.

 Brian Crump joined the Wellspring team as a Curriculum Designer in July of 2013. Brian finds deep satisfaction and purpose as he revises and writes material for the individual and marriage tracks.

Recently, God has brought me back to a place of looking at this idea of rest.

“To engage with courage, beauty and love inviting her domain into life and rest”

A year ago I heard this definition of the essence of femininity for the first time at the Wellspring Battle for Women’s Hearts event. Immediately I connected with it as truth, but yet not able to see it as truth for myself.

What does it mean to invite someone into rest? Can I do that? What does rest even look like?

God is so practical, He likes to use situations that are occurring in my life to expose me to my humanity and graciously lift me up to see the hope of transformation that is on the horizon. A few weeks ago I was planning to take a vacation to visit a friend. As I began to plan the details of the trip I felt God asking me to trust Him.

“Heather, do you trust me? Do you trust me? Just rest.”

Though wanting to plan out every detail for fear of not knowing what the outcome of the vacation would be, I repeatedly chose not to take control but to just trust while trying to rest.

“How do I rest?”

As I continuously chose to surrender control over the situation I began to find unexplainable peace. God led my friend and I to places we probably wouldn’t have chosen to go to, and we met people that we wouldn’t have met. There God met us.

One afternoon I was watching a couple of sheep on a mountainside. One sheep was sitting and looking around with contentment while the other was in a constant state of grazing. As I watched those sheep, God spoke to me about how to find rest.

“Heather, eat and rest.”

Just like those sheep, God was calling me into rest by the eating or taking in of Him through His word, others, and my environment and choosing to rest and trust with contentment that my shepherd has placed me where I need to be to get the nourishment and the things I need. All I have to do is follow and obey.

This really put Psalm 23:1-3 into perspective for me:

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

As I give up control, fear, and anxiety and choose to trust Him, He will lead me to the green pastures that I long for. There, I will be restored; I will find rest. It is only once I have found rest myself that I can truly invite others into rest.

I am on a journey. It is a journey that will take continuous conviction and choices, but as I make them I am being transformed. The hope of continuous rest lies before me and all God is asking me to do is choose to live in it now.

7so he explained it to them: “I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep.
8All who came before me were thieves and robbers.
But the true sheep did not listen to them. 9
Yes, I am the gate.
Those who come in through me will be saved.
They will come and go freely and will find good pastures.
10The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.
My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.
11“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep.

I have read this passage many times but in my recent reflections I have been particularly struck by Jesus’ statement that “I tell you the truth” in contrast to all those who came before Him who were “thieves and robbers.” However, “the true sheep did not listen to them.”

This follows up on the sobering reality I’ve been seeing from Revelation 12 about our Ancient Foe. The Great Dragon comes to deceive, accuse, steal, kill and destroy.

One area that the enemy deceives me is in my thinking that situations are worse than they truly are. This thinking allows fear and doubt into my life. The enemy then uses that fear and doubt to accuse me that it is my fault and distorts the potential consequences.

As a result, my peace and joy and my capacity to clearly hear the voice of Jesus speaking love, grace, and truth are negatively affected. When fear and doubt have set in and I hear the voice of Jesus, it gives me faith to appropriately respond to the situation. I receive comfort that I am in a good place and I just need to rest and trust or I respond to conviction that leads me to forgiveness and then courage to address whatever actual challenges are present. Either response will lead me into the “rich and satisfying life” Jesus desires for me.

I am saddened by how often I listen to the voice of the thief instead of the Good Shepherd, yet I am hopeful at the growth I’ve seen in the last few weeks as I have recognized the voice of the enemy and turned to the voice of Jesus.

As I reflect on what Jesus is speaking to me now, I hear His voice of love and validation for me as His beloved son chosen to reveal and represent Him through my life and the ministry of Wellspring. I hear His voice assuring me that He will guide and provide giving me courage to not shrink back but to press forward into the Promised Land He has for me.

 Larry Bolden is the Executive Director of Wellspring Group. After founding Wellspring Group in 2003, Larry has been on an incredibly challenging and satisfying journey, helping bring significant, sustained change into the lives of men, women, and churches

      As we began Thursday afternoon it was a strange feeling to be an outsider and minor player in the event that I and a small band of men began ten years ago. Yet in the strangeness there was a deep sense of satisfaction as I reflected upon God’s faithfulness. I recalled the twelve days of prayer and fasting in April 2003. In the midst of the winter of my brokenness I sensed God whispering that spring had come as He brought forth the vision of leading pastoral and lay leaders into a transforming personal knowing of the love of God that would flow into all of their relationships and empower them to discover their part in God’s story of redemption. I remembered the word of the Lord as I walked along Don Barham’s lakefront in March, 2007 to “develop and release” men and women into the fullness of who they are. I recalled board members Steve Hall, Doug Arnold, and me kneeling before the Lord in August, 2008 as we made the decision to partner with churches with almost no evidence that it would work. Five long, hard years later God has accomplished what He planted in our hearts! This will work.

      As we walked through the weekend, the OMPC facilitators and speakers loved and led well. The resounding conclusion during our Sunday facilitators’ luncheon was that God had exceeded our expectations! Numerous men shared of the power of being there with their own church, knowing men on other teams, knowing their fellow facilitators and hearing from their own pastoral and lay leaders. There was excitement and anticipation as young men shared how they saw God using the Battle for the Heart to transform their generation to touch the church and then the community!

     The OMPC Battle was just one week after our WG Battle in which I was in awe of the strength and capacity of the men God has raised up in this ministry. I saw it once again, yet now in a church ready and willing to ever more fully move into the dream of the glory of God filling His people in authentic, transformational, Biblical community so that they can reveal who He is to their domains.

     I was humbled, grateful, satisfied, awe struck at the grace of God. God has woven together the lives of so many men and women. I am in awe of the facilitators, donors, the leadership of Oak Mountain, and other churches that have worked with us and have allmademajor contributions to the process.

        As we move forward, I cling to the Word of the Lord I have heard to “take the land” and not be concerned with the giants that will always be present if the Battle is worth fighting. Indeed this Battle is well worth fighting because it is the Battle for the Hearts of men and women. We continue to fight so that they may deeply know the love of the Trinity and their part in this glorious unfolding of God’s Eternal Love Story.

Larry Bolden is the Executive Director of Wellspring Group. After founding Wellspring Group in 2003, Larry has been on an incredibly challenging and satisfying journey, helping bring significant, sustained change into the lives of men, women, and churches.

After a full afternoon of playing in the house, yard, playground and walking around the block several times we finally got them to bed. As I tried to read Annie a story she talked all the way through it. She is a very active and verbal little girl. As I lay down with Annie on the inflatable mattress on the floor she slowly calmed down. As she did she looked into my face, took her finger and moved over and over my left cheek, goatee, left eye and forehead. This must have gone on for several minutes. It was a tender, intimate moment in which I felt great love and protective care for her. Mary was still singing to Elliott as Annie fell asleep so I just lay there next to her looking at her peaceful, restful face.

I began praying and crying out to God. I felt the pain I was in and I slowly, consciously released it to Jesus. I then sensed his intimate love and care for me, his child. I experienced peace, a sense of Shalom for the first time all day.

Later as I reflect on this experience, I take my finger to touch the face of Jesus, I touch the scars that are there for me, and I touch his eyes that see me. I feel his love and protective care for me. I am small and he is large. I laugh and rejoice in the intimate love and joy of Jesus.

Thank you Lord for revealing yourself to me through the eyes and fingers of my grandchild. I am a child resting next to you. May I always stay in this place.

Larry Bolden is the Executive Director of Wellspring Group. After founding Wellspring Group in 2003, Larry has been on an incredibly challenging and satisfying journey, helping bring significant, sustained change into the lives of men, women, and churches.

During my Silent Retreat in May, Psalm 131 became a constant companion and guided me into deep experiences of God’s love and care. In my devotional life I often seek to personalize a significant passage of scripture and then consistently meditate upon it. In the last week I developed a prayer from this psalm which I’m reflecting upon daily. As I do, I am reminded of my childlike dependence upon Jesus and His ever present care of me as His child. As you read this prayer may the Holy Spirit lead you into ever deeper places of childlike trust.

Psalm 131 prayer. 1984 NIV text in italics.

My heart is not proud, O Lord, my eyes are not haughty. I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.

I embrace the Way of Humility. I do not believe that my way is the best way. I honor those around me and the way you have created and crafted their lives. I will not compare or compete with my brothers and sisters in the Body of Christ. I will celebrate how each of us uniquely reveals who you are as we live together in the Trinity.

I give myself to the part you have given me to play: to reveal your glory in all my relationships no matter how brief or minor, to inspire and equip leaders to live deep…from a whole heart…in authentic Biblical community. Teach me how to call out the glory of those I am in relationship with, particularly my family and ministry team, as I seek to cooperate with you in bringing each one of them to the fullness of their part in your Story.

“But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within in me.”

I receive your nurturing love and care as a little child held in the lap of Jesus. In this place I am content and at peace with you and myself. I will not fear harm because I am in the Trinity. I will not come under inordinate pressure to provide, protect, and help others/myself to become all they or I am created to be or to prevent harm to them or me. I repent of believing that to live is to be productive. I choose to believe that to live is to experience and express your love. In the pain or chaos of life I will not choose control to protect myself but will surrender my life to your love, grace and truth as I live from a whole, integrated heart. I embrace the way of suffering, crucifixion and death trusting you for resurrection, life and glory.

“O Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore.”

From the place of childlike trust I put my hope in you, the Trinity, both now and forever. You will guide me, protect me and carry me therefore I do not have to experience low level anxiety. I am at rest in the arms of Jesus who holds me and blesses me. I am part of the bride of Christ that you wash with the water of your word. I am content and dependent. From this place I now arise and engage with strength and love as your son, a man created and redeemed to offer life and growth to my domain.

Larry Bolden is the Executive Director of Wellspring Group. After founding Wellspring Group in 2003, Larry has been on an incredibly challenging and satisfying journey, helping bring significant, sustained change into the lives of men, women, and churches.

     After we returned home, when I sat down to spend some time with God, I reflected back over how moved I was by the majesty of His creation – by His love for beauty, for variety, for the most intricate detail. Then I read these words in Jesus Calling (from May 17, which was the day of my first encounter with the GC):

     Through spending time in My Presence, you gain glimpses of My overflowing vastness. These glimpses are tiny foretastes of what you will experience eternally in heaven. Even now you have access to as much of Me as you have faith to receive. Rejoice in My abundance – living by faith, not by sight.

     Yes – I do think seeing the Grand Canyon gave me a tiny foretaste of what I will one day experience continuously – unending worship in the presence of my glorious Creator. Right now my heart is limited; it can only receive so much of that glory. But I long for the day when I can receive it fully. There is more joy to be had! I desire the fullness of that joy. I choose to open my heart to that desire and seek more and more of His presence.

Karen joined the staff of Wellspring Group in 2011. Karen’s part in the Story that God is writing through Wellspring is to revise and revise and further revise all of WG’s material! She is also the point person on development and design of new material, such as WG’s marital track.

     My heart sank. I wanted to call my husband, Daniel, (who was in the car behind me) and say, let’s turn around. I didn’t want to drive into the storm. For a moment, I wondered if there was any way around it. Nothing about it looked pretty or easy. There was enough distance between us that I knew there was time to shift course… to change my plans… to avoid the rain. I was surprised by my internal reaction to this approaching storm. I drive in the rain often…it’s not my favorite thing but I don’t recall feeling so shut-down by it. So in true Wellspring fashion I started exploring what was really going on inside of me.

     I remembered earlier in the week waking up one morning with a feeling of dread for the day ahead. I was in bed thinking, “I really wish I could just skip today”. I knew I would be facing some challenges and nothing about it looked like fun. Truthfully, it wasn’t. It was a hard day. But I knew that morning that this is where God has called me, I had a confidence that God was with us, and I made the choice to open my eyes, get out of bed and face the day. Did everything go perfectly? No, but I’ve learned and grown in the process of the challenge.

     As I reflected on that and was facing this impending true storm ahead of me I began to consider what was at stake. What happens if I pull back, if I decide I just can’t do this, or I just don’t want to? In this situation, this storm was the only thing between me and home. Home was where I really wanted to be. Home is a peaceful restful place for me and I would finally have time with my husband. In the situation earlier that week, growth was at stake. If I wasn’t willing to face the challenge, I would miss the opportunity for growth. People were at stake. If we didn’t enter the hard things, then my heart to love well could be lost by me shrinking back and withdrawing. In some ways, God’s glory is at stake. What he wants to do in and through us can be missed if we aren’t willing to enter into the hard places and get through the storm.

     In both situations I was crippled by the unknown. I don’t know how hard something might be, I don’t know how long the storm might last or how rough it might be in the midst of it. But in the moment, I had a song playing that repeatedly said “My strength in life is I am yours and my hope in life is I am yours…” I don’t remember ever even picking this song but in that moment it was perfect. I am given strength by knowing Whose I am and Who He is. I’m given courage by knowing that God will never leave me or forsake me; if this is where he has me then he is not surprised by what I face each day. I can move into the dark places, the challenges, the rain, simply because I know He is with me and is always faithful.

     So, I did. Some of those revelations came in the midst of the storm that I chose to drive into. And just as I expected, there was sun on the other side. The storm didn’t last forever. Finally being home made it all worth it.

      What is at stake today that is worth walking into the darkness, the pain, the unknown or the rain in your own life?

Abby Mandella has been a part of the Wellspring Group staff since 2010. As Operations Director, she oversees Larry’s schedule and the general operations of the ministry.

     As I listened to Bob Flayhart, Greg Poole, John and Cindy Purcell, and Carter Crenshaw share I was struck by how far God has brought me since the depths of my four year chapter of brokenness. In those dark days I could never have imagined that I’d be in that room last Wednesday listening to these men and women share about something I had a part in! Tears of joy and gratitude filled my eyes. I can surely say with David, “put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.” (Psalm 130:7)

Please pray with us that God will draw the people he wants to be involved with us in the coming months. 

     Through these last few months I am reminded of the passage we often use at a Battle for your Heart from Zechariah 4:6-7

“This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts. Who are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel you shall become a plain. And he shall bring forward the top stone amid shouts of ‘Grace, grace to it!’”

     In light of all that we saw of God’s beauty and faithfulness through the Journey Inward, our vacation, and then the General Assembly our only response can be “grace, grace.” We are humbled by the sheer grace of God that is moving mountains in our lives and in this ministry to his glory and our blessing.

 - Larry Bolden

 
                                              A Taste of Eden
After two weeks we got a break on Friday afternoon and Saturday which we spent together in Seattle. We both were a bit anxious about what and how to share from all that we had gained during the first two weeks about ourselves, our childhoods, and how all of that affected our marriage. However, we each felt an openness at all four levels of our hearts that was deeper and safer than ever before. It was an enjoyable, beautiful time of poignant reflection and yet authentic celebration of what God has done, is doing, and will do in our lives. It was the most meaningful experience of our marriage!

From Mary:
As I returned to my beautiful cottage by the sea on Saturday night rolling my suitcase to the door my eyes moistened, “I’ve tasted Eden and I don’t want to go back.” All walls down, naked and unashamed, secure, at rest.

                                           Overall Experience
Challenging, daunting, painful, stretching, frustrating, yet eventually rewarding. When I hit roadblocks, God met me in amazing ways through impressions, scriptures and pictures that consistently guided me. In one place of pain and struggle I discovered a hymnal in my cabin and went to a hymn that has become increasingly precious to Mary and me through our transition to Atlanta, “Be Still, My Soul.” (words below) I wept my way through it as I variously sang and read the words. Tears of gratitude fill my eyes even now.

Since 2000 I’ve had increasing glimpses and understanding of my childhood and the impact upon my life. In this experience it all came together. I faced the pain of my childhood, the strengths and struggles of my parents, the ways I responded, and began to more clearly see how it all shaped my life. I look back and understand many of my actions and reactions. I’m in awe that Mary and I survived the early years of our marriage. I experienced in new, profound ways the truth of “blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted” and James’ admonition to “grieve, mourn, and wail.” As I cleared out the pain of my life and our marriage it opened up deeper opportunities for intimacy with God and Mary.

From Mary
In God’s kindness He placed me in breath-taking beauty to process the truckload of pain that I have been caring since childhood. My cottage was on Puget Sound with Mount Rainer rising in front of me tucked behind the mountain across the Sound. Behind me woods of fir and fig leaf maples towered above, reaching towards the sky. Thousands of giant ferns along with rhododendrons of reds, purples and pinks were my companions. I would walk for hours along the rocky shore line and on a road through the woods processing the sorrow, the losses in the pain of my childhood and how that has impacted my life, my choices and my relationships. God met me there in nature, my times in the scripture, in worship, in my dreams, in my journaling and through the gentle discerning wisdom of my director.

I was able to receive God’s grace at a depth that I have never experienced before, which allowed me to forgive myself and open fully to God and to Larry. Fig leaves off, no need for self-protection. I did not run from the pain but met God there and found His comforting, healing presence. I continue to experience the golden thread through my life of God’s pursuing love and I am choosing to receive His love in ways I never have before.

Mary and I are eternally grateful for the opportunity God gave us to pause, look back and then look forward all the way into eternity. Tears come to my eyes as I sense the gracious love of God and all those who made this time possible. I pray that you will benefit from the good work God is doing in our lives.

-Larry

 To read Larry's previous blog about this trip Click Here.

"Be Still, My Soul"
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

     The gospel account in Luke 24 is descriptive enough to show us the power of the Word and the presence of Jesus. And this helps us as we celebrate and remember during communion each week. As the two disciples recognized Jesus as he was giving thanks and breaking bread, we are reminded that "Eucharist" means literally "act of thanksgiving" and the heart of our celebration and remembrance is being thankful. In calling us to "do this in remembrance of me" Jesus calls us to a life of gratefulness. And a life where we are continuously aware of our role in the sacred story of God's redemption, motivated by love. Without the word (and sacrament) that keeps liftingus up as God's chosen people, we remain, or become, small people, stuck in the complaints that emerge from our daily struggle to survive.

     "Without the word that makes our hearts burn, we can't do much more than walk home, resigned to the sad fact that there is nothing new under the sun. Without the word, our life has little meaning, little vitality, and little energy. Without the word we remain little people with little concerns who live little lives and die little deaths." (Nouwen)

      This story of the road to Emmaus shows us that Jesus desires to come to us, to give us the word spoken and explained. He desires to join us on the road, to travel with us, to remind us of our part in the big story. And to come to us in the breaking of the bread. Whether in our corporate worship, a small group or individually, we need the presence of Jesus and his words and explanations every day. This presence will allow us to let go of our hardened hearts and become grateful.

     The two disciples are drawn in to the larger story as Jesus explains what is really going on. Without the word, our life has little meaning. But as we open ourselves to the Spirit living in us and the Word being spoken and explained to us, we overflow with meaning and purpose and a part to play in God’s eternal love story. Look for Jesus to appear in the breaking of the bread and the pouring of the wine and in the sharing of the word.

Jimmy is a Wellspring alumnae and event facilitator who has submitted numerous posts for our blog.. This summer he will publish his book "Sacred Heart Attack."

What if you developed the habit of looking at scripture in ways that touched the deep desires of your heart?

I’m in week five of practicing this habit with a team of four. This week we meditated on Matthew 17:5, which focuses on this portion of Jesus’ Transfiguration:

“While he was still speaking, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and behold, a voice out of the cloud said, ‘This is my beloved Son, which whom I am well-pleased; listen to Him!’”

     Here in this New Testament narrative we read of another gospel miracle. This one is unique in that it happened to Jesus. He is radiating a bright light. The disciples recognize Moses and Elijah. Everyone hears how Jesus and God are related. Then all hear that Jesus has his father’s approval.

      Although I was very curious how Peter, James, and John would recognize Elijah and Moses when I read this, I decided that asking a question around that would take me in the wrong direction. Instead I chose to ask God what His love for Jesus was like because I often experience the Lord speaking to me when I ask him questions around emotions and desires.

      What I sensed was God saying that loving Jesus was easy, like having a child who never disappoints their parent’s heart. What a unique response! This really hit home for me as I have experienced a disappointed heart in some of the choices our children have made.

      In Wellspring, I train our women retreat facilitators to avoid taking personally any resistance or rejection they sense from team members. Ironically, recently I realized that I had taken a family member’s decision not to attend church personally. Personal rejection is a heavy weight to carry around for months!

      Following repentance, I began to wonder how I so easily fell into this trap, taking responsibility for someone else’s stewardship choice. My conviction is that when family is involved, some principles don’t transfer well. Our emotions can respond more quickly than our rational thinking and result in situations like when I sensed a member’s choice to be potentially damaging spiritually.

      I have found that it is good to ask “Lord, in what ways are you well pleased with me?” If you listen to the good shepherd’s voice the strings of your desire for belonging, connection, and significance will be played.
  Our group of four come together weekly to share the words we hear and use them to powerfully call out the glory in each other. We hear validation and worth. Their words help counteract the relentless negative voice seeking access in my heart with the intention of doing harm.

Imagine day-after-day like that, where you seek to steep your soul in God’s perspective on your life.

   How can you position yourself to hear more often what he really thinks about you?

     Mary and I are entering into a three week directed silent retreat with Dr. Bryan Van Dragt. Several friends have gone through this process and have been deeply affected. We’ll be in separate cabins alone with God, our Bible, and journal. We’ll meet with Bryan each day at different times. We may visit at the end of the two weeks when we take a break for one day.

      I’m in awe of God’s faithfulness to us. This is a challenging experience for Mary in many ways, yet she has courageously entered into it. We’ve written our emotional histories and don’t really know what is coming other than we are confident God will meet us. We trust that the benefits to us and all those in our domain will be well worth the time and challenges involved. The beauty of the environment has already encouraged us. It reminds us of many trips we’ve taken together. God has graciously provided this opportunity to explore the depths of his grace and presence in our lives through this retreat and vacation.

      After our retreat we’ll take several days down the coast to visit Tony and Kathy Stoltzfus for several days and then drive back up the mountain side to Seattle. We are going to celebrate our 40th anniversary on an Alaskan cruise. This is our first cruise since Mary has had motion sickness before. We are trusting that she will do well and we’ll have a great time experiencing the wonder of God’s creation.

      We finish up visiting dear friends Hal and Helen Davis in Camano Island, WA. We travel home on June 13.
This is the first significant amount of time we’ve taken off since we started Wellspring ten years ago. As I look back I’m in awe of God’s faithfulness to us and this ministry. Ten years ago we could never have imagined all that God has done for us and through us. Sitting here with my beautiful wife in a beautiful setting is indeed wonderful.

      We are very grateful for the many people who are Wellspring Group and who make this trip possible.
Please pray with us that we will fully respond to God’s purposes in each step of this trip and savor his goodness to us.

      I am grateful for our staff and other volunteers who are taking care of the ministry while we are away.

- Larry

      Five years ago the first Battle for Women’s Hearts event was held in Columbiana, Alabama. Little did we know the degree of heart-homework and consequent heart-revolutions ahead. Most of us who have been through this process would emphatically agree that the Battle for Women’s Hearts Intensive would be a fitting title for this event!

      Since April 2008, over 225 women have participated in this unique offering. Since we began over 90% of the women who have attended the initial Battle for the Heart event have also continued on in the Engaging the Fellowship follow-through process. Some ladies have even worked through that material a second time with another team on their own initiative!

      I personally have had the awesome privilege of walking with team facilitators on equipping calls. When I experience the transformational, fundamental, and sustained change in Facilitator’s hearts as they go through the Engaging the Fellowship follow through process I am filled with awe. I’ve noticed that those who participate in both sets of equipping calls – Module 1 (Reality 1 and 2) and Module 2 (Reality 3 and 4) - have the potential for the greatest growth. They often flourish like a plant on Miracle Grow!

      I have also seen retreat facilitators grow in the way they approach conversations differently. A variety of relationally destructive self-protective strategies have been uncovered as they learn to notice and deal with them. Blind spots don’t sideswipe them to the degree that they did as self-awareness grows. Women are flourishing as they offer open-ended questions, become excellent listeners, and now activate their advice-giving warning radars! I am so proud of how they are on many levels approaching relationships differently.

I am amazed. Stepping back, it’s easy to see how our small band of facilitator sisters have grown as individuals these last five years. They have grown in their ability to find their security and identity in Christ. They have learned to expect that in our unique fellowship they will be loved, accepted, seen and heard. It has been a privilege and an honor to see women come back time and time again to serve others who are beginning their own Wellspring journey.

  As we all continue to choose the fellowship, God keeps changing us. We are much more likely to notice fear-driven behavior. We are more attuned to strong negative emotions surfacing and we have learned to stop and let the Trinity engage our hearts. Through our Wellspring experience we have been able to recognize and grapple with unanswered desires in the light of a safe fellowship.

      We are not who we were because we have made a huge investment in our spiritual lives.

We are greatly impacting people around us.

Happy Anniversary Wellspring Women!

     My first response to this question was “God’s great love for me.” Then I began to grapple with the place of the four key desires we cover in Reality 1 which led me back to Ephesians 1. These are key desires in men that reflect God’s heart:

• Love
• Honor
• Protection and provision
• Hear well done

     I then began to grapple with how those four desires influence God’s pursuit of me and I came to the following conviction.

     Out of His love, pleasure and will He sees my brokenness, honors me by choosing me, values me by sending Jesus to redeem me so that I might know Him, His love, grace, and truth, become the man He created me to be, and fulfill my part in the story to His praise and glory. As I actively surrender my whole heart to Him this fulfills God’s deep longings:

1. to love and to experience His love being received by me and my responding in love for Him and those in my domain;
2. to honor and to experience His honor being received by me which empowers me to honor Him and those in my domain;
3.  to protect and provide, to experience me receiving His protection and provision which empowers me to offer protection and provision to those in my domain;
4.  to speak well done, to experience my hearing and believing His words to me which empowers me to speak well done to those in my domain.

     As I respond to God in this way He experiences pleasure, people are blessed and He is increasingly glorified.

     This reminds me of the response of Mary to Gabriel, “may it be to me according to your word.” Mary didn’t deflect God’s honoring her; she grappled with how this could be, and then received the word of the Lord. As she did she brought great glory to God and blessing to her domain.

     For me the insight of God longing for our response is taking the concept of an active mutual relationship with God to a deeper level. Out of this active response we are effectively empowered to engage our domain.

     So would you stop, pause and ponder, why is God pursuing you today?

     The retreat was truly a memorable experience of love, celebration and savoring the beautiful work God has done in the lives of these men who pioneered at OMPC and in our partnership and in the women who have joined our team in the last nine months. We celebrated personally and as a team what God is doing in and through the lives of the men and women at OMPC. We ended our time with an affirmation of Bob Flayhart’s courageous, wise leadership.

     Feelings: in awe of God’s providential care for me and WG through this amazing partnership. Deeply grateful and in awe of these men and women who launched out in great faith to build a plane while we were flying it. Love for God and these partners in the gospel. Joy at God’s provision and seeing what he has and is doing. Wondering how I ended up in this story. Thankful for the grace of God that put me in His Story.

     Desires: to rest in God’s faithfulness and provision. To come through for these brothers and sisters by continuing to love them well and lead WG well. To see God abundantly bless OMPC. To see our partnership mature and guide other leaders into experiencing the fruit of living and leading out of authentic Biblical community.

     Choices: let this build my faith in who God is and what he is doing in our midst. To seek God for wisdom to know how to move forward in our partnership with OMPC and other churches.

     One of our longest standing family traditions is picking strawberries. Sometimes with a baby in tow, once while nine months pregnant. Nothing has kept us from our 18 years straight of berry picking. As winter gives way to spring and the first blooms pop up around town we begin calling the local produce stand “Is it time yet?”

     But as I prepared for our annual outing this year I reflected on how disappointing the strawberries themselves have become. What I remember of strawberries from my childhood was that they were bursting with flavor and needed no artificial enhancement to make them edible. What we see now at the berry farms, though, is beautiful, enormous berries with virtually no flavor.

   “How often do you fertilize your berries?” I asked the farm manager a couple of years ago. "At least twice a week," he replied, "and they water almost daily."

     That is the difference, I realized. Berries weren’t made to grow that large that fast. I’ve grown strawberries myself, using organic methods, and know that the wait for a perfectly ripe berry can be agonizingly slow. But when you take a bite of the end product it is like nothing that can compare to today’s general market varieties. Sweet, sugary goodness explodes in your mouth.

      As I reflected this year on the difference in berries I realized that today’s strawberry farming practices are very much representative of how we approach life. We want things, bigger and faster. If God makes a promise to us we want it fulfilled yesterday. But that’s not how Christian faith best grows. When God promised Abraham he would be the father of many nations, it was decades before his child of promise was born. When God anointed David king of Israel it was years before he ascended the throne. But during that time of waiting – in both men – there was a sweetness that developed in their lives, an unshakeable belief in God’s goodness and faithfulness, that could not have come through any other method. Maturity is a process that takes time. You are not born mature. Neither do you attain maturity within the first five years of life. It takes decades. And it takes trials. There is a sweetness of character and depth of faith that can only come about by taking the long road.

     Too often, like Abraham, we try to speed up the promise and help God out. We try to hasten what was never meant to be a short process. When God allows us to stay in trying situations we constantly look for the escape hatch, sure that this is not His plan for maturity.

      When I look back on my own life of promises not yet received, prayers that have seemingly gone unanswered, I also reflect on the fruit of those difficult seasons. And I see the sweetness that has come forth from those places. Though in my early years I believed God was good because I saw how He always worked things out for my benefit, now I have a deeper sense of His goodness in spite of circumstances. Once shallow roots have had to dig deep into the soil to find sustenance. I still long for the process of maturity to go faster. But I can see the benefit of the slow and organic process God has me in. And I hope that at the end He finds much delight in the fruit of His labor.

PhotoSource: ChristianPhotos.Net - Free High Resolution Photos for Christian Publications

      I hit the wall and hit bottom on Palm Sunday in a way that I’ve not in quite some time. Through some conversations with old friends Don Barham and Allen Mitchell I touched a deep longing for the perceived peace and simplicity of my life in Dothan and the reality of the beauty of our yard and all that had come to mean to me. This coalesced with a number of other factors such as

• The intense amount of change/turbulence since spring of 2011 touching at various times every area of life
• Working with Abby on the reality of what needs to be done prior to our 5.5 week trip starting May 4
• The reality that areas of my personal life have suffered due to the way I respond to life and work
• Relating to various constituencies that all have legitimate concerns and deep commitment to WG
• Grappling with how to make life work in north Atlanta for Mary and me
• Adjusting to a very different home and environment
• Grappling with how to make the transition from practitioner to organizational leader
• Dealing with various ministry challenges
• Looking back and letting regrets take me under and into a scarcity mentality

     As I went down I felt overwhelmed, isolated, frustrated, discouraged, struggling with regret and without much hope. I was a mess.

     On Monday I sent out a vulnerable, transparent update to our staff and my Battle team and experienced grace in the scripture. I then hit another challenge on Tuesday and had an inordinate internal reaction.

     Throughout the Palm Sunday weekend and since then I’ve been in week 6 of Reality 2 on the way of suffering, crucifixion and death. I’ve been meditating over and over again in II Corinthians 3-4 and now in Hebrews 5:4-10 and Romans 8:15-25.

     Through the pain and challenges I began to see II Cor. 3-4 in a new, fresh light. I am living in a very broken jar of clay, yet the glory of God still resides in the broken pieces, if ever so faintly. The Holy Spirit desires to pick up the broken pieces and restore my clay pot to the beauty of who God created me to be.

     I saw in a deeper way than ever before that God longs to fill my jar of clay with his glory. However that can only happen through suffering and death. Every experience of pressure, of being hunted, perplexed and knocked down God longs to use to shine forth the light of his glory through me. In every experience I can choose to die and let the life of Christ be revealed in my body or I can choose to seek what I want, how I want it and when I want it. To die is to die to my preferences, my comfort, my regrets, my having to get it right, my relational distortions, and live to his purposes in the midst of the pain. I am learning obedience through suffering. As I yield to Christ in the suffering and dying life comes forth to people, God is glorified and there is an increasing weight of glory displayed through the clay pot of my life.

     As I experienced the Fellowship of the scripture, the body of Christ entered my heart well. Wednesday morning Karen identified with me, challenged me to release the pressure of people, hear the Lord and trust him. She also challenged me to more effectively engage Mary. Wednesday afternoon Abby engaged me clearly and strongly. As she did I again saw my lack of trust in God and that my lack of trust was the source of the pressure I was feeling. As I repented, I felt the pressure ebb away and peace return. In each engagement I experienced life, courage, clarity, and love from my sisters. That evening Mary and I engaged much deeper about the challenges, their impact, and our life together. I experienced the strength and beauty of our union and gained faith and hope. I admire and am grateful for Mary’s willingness to embrace God’s will for our lives and walk through astounding amounts of change. She is a courageous woman!

     All these interchanges dealt a blow to the feelings of isolation and discouragement and the lies of the enemy.

     On Good Friday my Battle team of Lee, John, and Dave went to the lake until Saturday afternoon to share our life stories with each other. As I shared mine I shared the depth of how I hit bottom on Palm Sunday including the sense of isolation I experienced. As I shared John deeply entered my heart with love, affirmation and commitment that was echoed by Lee and Dave. I experienced clear masculine strength and covering from the Fellowship that desires to protect me and propel me into my part of the Story. I then prayed through areas of needed repentance, experienced freedom, and clarified what obedience looks like going forward.

     As I look back at the last ten days I clearly see the Fellowship pursuing me right into the depths of my bottoming out experience through the Spirit, the word and the body. As I experienced the intimacy of God’s love and grace I was able to more clearly see the truth of my identity as a man, husband, leader, and shepherd general and accept all that comes with the assignments of my life. Opening up to my brothers and sisters allows me to see the Larger Story more clearly as I see their lives, their challenges and more of what God is up to in all of our lives. This gives me a much larger, more eternal perspective which pulls me out of the bottom of my own small story into the fullness of the Larger Story.

     During this time my feelings have been all over the map, many of them quite negative and self-centered, but as I continue to trust the Lord and release the pressure to him I experience peace, joy and faith to believe that God is working all of this to our good and his glory.

     My deep desires of being known, seen, understood, and walking in partnership are being satisfied. I long to go ever deeper in knowing what it means to learn obedience through suffering and to let the death of Christ work in me so that his life may come forth through me as a man and in the assignments of my life.

     I am choosing to stay surrendered to the Trinity, connected to the body, particularly my Battle team, responsive to our staff and their effective engagement, and grounded in the scripture. I’m grateful for authentic, at times challenging conversations with Mary as we grapple with how to love one another well in the midst of intense change. She is a beautiful and faithful partner in the gospel.

     I am humbled to realize how broken I am, yet how patient God is never, ever, ever giving up on me. When I come into the light I see how blessed I truly am and I want to live a life of contentment and gratefulness.

     I am grateful how each one of you in various ways and at various times all reveal the love, grace and truth of the Fellowship that pursues me all the way down and back up again!

Answering before listening is both stupid and rude.
Proverbs 18:13, The Message

Today with a friend and colleague who is a Christian counselor, I acted out the Proverb above. I don’t normally behave in such a manner in public or professionally, although I have been known to answer my wife without listening on more occasions than I’d like to admit. Listening well has always been one of my great gifts and talents and has served me quite well for nearly 35 years as an educator, pastor, and spiritual director, and Christian counselor. Listening with understanding is an area of pride for me.

My friend was beginning to answer my just-asked question when within a few words I knew exactly what he was going to tell me. I interrupted with a knowing flourish and finished his sentence for him. As the grimaced, patient smile widened across his face, I heard, “If you’d let me finish the sentence, you’d know what I was actually going to say.” Ouch! I was embarrassed and, like Adam, was tempted to blame my stupidity and crass behavior on someone else, but Eve wasn’t around at that moment, and I was the only one facing my friend’s perceptive grin.

So then, how do we learn to listen? To become a good listener takes much practice, and most of us learn to listen well enough to gather data sufficient to solve whatever problems we face. Unfortunately, most of us can be quick to jump to conclusions as we listen long enough to find a solution to the sentences unfolding before us.

Strangely though, few of us want others to solve our problems for us. Most all of us want to be heard and known by those listening to us. We want our listeners really to hear us even if it is simply giving a thoughtful answer to a question. My friend did have the “answer” to my question, but my interruption was rude and showed that I was more interested in my own brilliance than in him at that moment.

The shift from listening to another’s words to hearing a heart is an art and skill that few acquire primarily because this shift to hearing takes some time and practice as listening does. For me to continue to make this shift means that I will need to allow God to grow in me a heart to want to know the person who is speaking and to show my love and respect by deeply listening and hearing. I am still learning how to listen and actually hear when others speak.

Learning to hear is helpful in discerning among the many voices around us the voice of God speaking to us through Scripture, trusted friends, and loving family. We note the capacity to listen well and hear God speak in men and women throughout the Bible and even by those inspired by the Holy Spirit to write the Bible. We see Jesus spending time listening and hearing his Father speak through Scripture and in person as he spent time alone with God. From his own practice of learning to hear, Jesus stated that he, himself, only spoke what he heard the Father saying to him (c.f. John 15).

Learning to hear is the gift that will honor those who speak to us: men, women, and God. Learning to hear opens our own lives to the wonder of others and to the steady presence of Jesus patiently waiting for us to hear his voice.

“Listen! I am standing at the door and knocking! If anyone hears my voice and opens the door I will come into his home and share a meal with him, and he with me.”

Revelation 3:20

- Terry Mitchell, PhD
Soul Care Christian Counseling

Terry Mitchell is a former English professor and adventurer of sorts, whose wanderings find him in Atlanta as a Christian counselor, spiritual director, and workshop developer with Soul Care, www.soulcare.net. Terry co-taught the inaugural Wellspring Retreat with Larry in November 2003 and has been actively involved with WG as a retreat speaker and small group facilitator in the Battle and Engaging Retreats for nearly nine years and has recently served as a spiritual director in the WG 5-day Silent Retreats. Terry and his wife, Dot, are enjoying the adventure together of their 38 years of marriage. 

Situation:

    Last weekend was our annual WG Board Retreat. There were a number of challenging issues before us, but Ric and Spencer, our strategic team, along with Abby and Anisa did a lot of work to prepare and paved the way for an effective weekend. We had stimulating debate and significant times of prayer. Spencer guided us through a ten year time line of our history as a ministry. We affirmed Doug and Jeanie Arnold as they ended seven years of faithful service on the board. God spoke to us and most of all blessed us with a beautiful sense of union with him and unity with each other. Experiencing unity is costly but it is well worth it!

     Driving home Sunday afternoon a brother and I, along with our wives, engaged over an interchange from the weekend that had some negative components for me. It was a beautiful, challenging, dicey, love filled engagement that ended with us knowing each other more and more fully committed to walking together.

Feelings:

• As we looked at the time line I was in awe of God’s faithfulness and convicted that what He accomplished was not aided by my striving or working hard. It was probably in spite of it. I was humbled by the amazing amount of love and service that came from so many volunteers when we had so little money. WG truly was built with baling wire, rubber bands and the Holy Spirit. I was stunned by what God has done in spite of all the challenges of the last two years and deeply encouraged to see how we are positioned for future growth and impact. I am inspired to stay in the Battle. All the men and women were humbled by and grateful for God’s faithfulness and the exciting opportunities that lie before us.

• At times challenged by the stimulating debate, but very grateful all are passionately involved. We came out more committed than ever before to the strategy of partnering with churches to accomplish the vision/mission that God has given us.

• Many tears of love, gratitude and admiration for Doug and Jeanie as we affirmed them for their lives, service to WG and beautiful way they have walked through the pain of the last two and a half years in the death of their granddaughter. They have been faithful friends to Mary and me for forty years. They have loved us well. 

• Privileged, deeply grateful, and honored by men and women who will walk with me into wholeness personally and relationally when it would be easier to give up.

Desires met:

• To be part of an effective team giving ourselves to something much larger than we are

• To have an impact

• Experience camaraderie, connection, relationships that do not give up and spur me onto being who God created me to be

• To love well

• To taste shalom, the blessing of God

Choices:

• To follow through with our strategic objectives

• Deepen my trust and obedient faith in the Lord

• To celebrate the utter faithfulness of God

• To value and celebrate the precious blessing of unity because it is not easily obtained nor maintained. It is only through the gracious work of God in and through his people!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Thursday morning my melancholy streak kicked in as I reflected on some of the losses of our lives including the loss of my parents at an early age.

I have now lived fifteen years longer than my father and ten years longer than my mother. I’ve survived a benign brain tumor and had numerous skin cancers. I am deeply grateful to be alive and healthy, although the longer I live the more I yearn for the “shalom” of heaven! The older I get the more I realize how much I missed in losing my parents when I was just twenty and twenty five.

I can, at times, be overwhelmed by the depth of my brokenness and the mistakes I’ve made. Then when I face the pain and experience the depth of God’s grace I see the red thread of redemption growing ever more clearly in my story. That lifts me up and gives me hope and courage to press on ever more deeply into the love and purposes of God for my life.

That thread was certainly evident during our small celebration with friends and our son Jonathan. We had a light hearted time of sharing humorous impressions of me sprinkled in with some more serious ones. As we shared, laughed and cried together I saw redemption in the lives and faces of those with me and I was humbled and grateful.

Jonathan’s sharing was particular meaningful as he has certainly experienced the brokenness of my life. He is creative, thoughtful, and expresses himself well. His theme was Robert Frost’s poem, “The Road not Taken” and his perception that I’ve chosen to consistently take the road less traveled. He focused on sharing six areas of my life that stand out to him, some funny, some serious.

Jonathan gave me objects to remember each area. “Your approach to God has been childlike and full of wonder. It’s taken you to places you never could have known otherwise.” To commemorate that area he gave me Dr. Seuss’ book, “Oh the Places You Will Go.” I read it for the first time this afternoon and tears came to my eyes. It certainly speaks of the ups and downs of my life and then ends with: “So…today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So…get on your way!”

Through Jonathan’s creative thoughtfulness, humorous insights, and affirmation I felt loved, honored, humbled and very grateful for redemption!

Mary then shared and completed the gift of redemption. No one has experienced my brokenness as deeply as her, yet she has allowed God to work grace and forgiveness into her life and redemption into our relationship. Tears come to my eyes as I read again her loving affirmation of our years together, the gift we gave each other of the sanctuary of our yard in Dothan, the gift she is giving me to follow the call of God on our lives now in Atlanta, and her deep desire to grow old together. I do indeed pray that Mary and I will have the privilege of growing old enjoying the awe inspiring grace of God in our lives, families and friends.

So with that grace filling my life and the echoes of God’s voice coming through my friends, my wife and son I will lift the sails of my life and venture into the unknown of these the best years of my life with all of you!

I have been reflecting on the story of Joseph for several weeks in the Battle for the Heart follow through process.

Story Line: As an arrogant, immature young man who seems to long for relationship and respect Joseph suffers rejection, betrayal, and abandonment by his brothers. He is sold into slavery and rises to be the steward of Potiphar’s estate. He seems to now be a seasoned young man who is deeply committed to serving and honoring God and his earthly master. Once again he is betrayed and abandoned to prison where the scenario repeats itself yet a third time. Forgotten in jail God finally raises him up to be lord of all Egypt. In the naming of his sons we see that he did not ignore his suffering, but saw God’s redemptive purposes being worked out in his life. (Genesis 41:51-52)

Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, “It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.” The second son he named Ephraim and said, “It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.”

It seems that through his suffering Joseph allowed his heart to actually be softened to God. In the midst of the suffering there seems to be an ever growing depth of trust in God being worked into Joseph’s life. When Joseph finally reveals himself to his brothers he has so deeply seen God’s providential purposes that he can graciously forgive even as he clearly acknowledges what they did. (Genesis 45:4-8a NIV).

Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Come close to me.” When they had done so, he said, “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will be no plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God.”

I can hardly comprehend this. I would definitely have wanted them to acknowledge what they had done and express appropriate repentance! Then I would graciously forgive and give glory to God. Yet Joseph seems to foreshadow the prodigal Father as he extravagantly forgives and even blesses. He is utterly God and others centered. I am stunned, humbled, convicted and long to so know the Father’s love for me and my part in his Story that I can respond with such grace.

Through all of his suffering it seems that Joseph’s heart was softened and became fully integrated. We see him as a strong, brilliant, powerful lord of all Egypt, yet he was a man who wept deeply and freely. Though he weeps over his brothers the scriptures do not record them weeping over their sin or their brother who God saved to save them. This sets up the final drama of the story.

After Jacob dies the brothers are in fear. They do not see God’s heart toward them, his faithfulness to them and their families, or the heart of their brother Joseph. Instead they only see themselves. Their hearts had not been softened by God’s gracious kindness. Instead they were hardened in fear which led them to concoct a story about their father asking Joseph to forgive them. When Joseph receives this message from his brothers, he wept. It seems that Joseph had so seen the Larger Story of God’s redemptive thread in his life and family that he could keep on forgiving even when his brothers could not receive forgiveness. Unfortunately his brothers were living in their small stories and never saw the thread of redemption God was writing in his Story. They saw themselves as slaves and could thus not receive the forgiveness of God or Joseph.

As I reflect on this story I am struck by the following questions?

• Am I allowing my suffering to soften my heart and take me ever deeper into trusting God’s heart is good toward me even when I feel forgotten and left in a dungeon?

• Am I so seeing God’s Larger Story that it is transforming the way I interpret my suffering and even those who bring that suffering into my life?

• Am I allowing God to break my heart for his purposes and those who have sinned against me?

• When I am the one who has sinned against another am I staying in the small story of my own life and living in shame, fear, and slavery instead of coming into the fullness of repentance and God’s forgiveness and provision?

• What will I have to believe and do to effectively move forward in living in the fullness of God’s Larger Love Story ever more clearly seeing the gracious thread of redemption in my life?

I am incredibly grateful for God’s amazing grace so richly given to me as I grapple with these questions in the midst of the Fellowship that desires to protect me and propel me into his purposes for my life!

I’d love to hear from you what strikes you about this story.

      The number of facilitator sisters has grown s-l-o-w-l-y. At times our numbers have shrunk due to babies, grandchildren and other family needs. This weekend we widened our leadership circle to include first time assistants, Dana Smith, Laura Lankford, and Dena Friderich. A big deal for us is that we also had four facilitators that graduated from novice to experienced status this weekend: Melany Guzzo, Carolyn Bahr, Abby Mandella, and Cindy Purcell. Congratulations, friends!

     As the women’s equipping director who has deep desires around significance and having a positive spiritual impact, it was extraordinarily satisfying to behold the spiritual growth in these women. In our Sunday morning facilitator meeting we heard woman after woman share how when she faced challenges or doubt she brought her heart to Jesus. Being a great facilitator is way more than pulling out the right question at the right time. Besides doing business with God quickly, these women made other great choices. They plugged into God’s inexhaustible supply of peace and camped out there! I wanted to jump up and cheer but managed to stay in my seat! A key element to spiritual growth is staying connected to our Source when the way is rocky or we can’t even see the rocks.

      There are lots of reasons to celebrate the success of the Battle for Women’s Hearts last weekend. I am so proud of the heart work that each of our assistants and facilitators brought to the table. Facilitating at these intense events offers unique leadership challenges on multiple levels. It is a daunting task to meet someone then seek to gain enough trust to enter their hearts with honor and respect. It is imperative to not take personally resistance to loving pursuit. These women listened, waited, pursued, challenged gently and did no harm. We heard so many beautiful reports as they truly were able to “set the table” then let the Holy Spirit guide.

      For me, this past weekend was deeply satisfying. It not only was great to see so many new faces being a part of what God is doing through Wellspring, but it was a sweet reminder of how far God has brought us since our small beginnings only a few years ago.

      Then I blew it! AARGH. Late yesterday afternoon I returned home after a full day of meetings and working to meet some deadlines. It was a good day but when I came in I saw potential challenges in our major landscaping project. I engaged Mary about it, reacted with way too much energy, shut her down, and failed to love well. She then went to take care of the grandchildren and I grappled with what was going on in me. It was difficult to get there. I wondered if it was just the reality of my brokenness and an attack before the Battle for Women’s Hearts starting Thursday. I clearly saw self-righteousness in my response and even hypocrisy, but I could not get to what was the energy driving it. We made progress in reconciliation when she came home and I was really grieved by how I affected her.

      The cost of sin is high. It takes time to recover, it drains me personally and us relationally, affected our sleep, and it grieves the heart of God.

     This morning as I sought the Lord I realized that I had let several areas of anxiety enter my heart in the last few days about this project. So when the challenge came my heart was not in a restful, trusting place in the goodness and love of God. From that place of anxiety I then negatively reacted to Mary, sabotaging my deepest desires to love and protect her. Ouch!

     As I came to a place of repentance I returned to rest and trust in God and love and affirmation for Mary. Faith arose that we can believe God to work out the challenges, give thanks to him in the midst of them, and enjoy our blessings.

     I am in awe of the power of our hearts to affect every area of our lives. Our heart truly is the wellspring of life. I am peace and rest in his love and long to continue trusting in the goodness of God. I’m grateful for a persevering wife and a gracious wife.

     Please pray for our Wellspring Ministry team as we enter into a Battle for Women’s Hearts with nine teams this Thursday through Sunday. As usual there have been lots of challenges for facilitators and participants. We are trusting God to overcome and meet these women in very powerful ways.

At the February Engaging from the Heart Event Jim Doggett was asked to be a part of a modeling exercise. During the exercise, Jim asked Terry Mitchell to engage him on the recent celebration that Jim had arranged for his dad’s wife.

Jim was very honest, sharing from his heart on all four levels. His honesty and testimony of the redemption of God created opportunity for many of the event participants to be impacted in significant ways.

In the following post, Jim shares about what he experienced as he was being engaged over this event.

Rational:
I was involved in an exercise with Terry Mitchell in which we modeled celebration. I described the Christmas opportunity that I had to champion my dad's wife on her birthday. Our prior 3 months had been filled with tough decisions around my dad's aging care, complicated by dementia and alcoholism. My dad was in a mental health facility against his will at the time. I planned an evening to honor my dad’s wife on her birthday, something that we had never done because of her birthday falling on Dec 22. This proximity to Christmas and the usual drama around my dad meant that at least for the past 27 years, she had not been celebrated on her birthday.I planned to sit her in a chair in front of everyone and ask others to speak directly to her memories they had and what they appreciated about her. I alerted her two boys about the plan and asked my children to think of things to share. I had already heard my kids thoughts and knew it would be special and meaningful.

Emotional:
Before the event, I had felt sadness and joy in anticipation. I had shared my plan with a few men after a morning meeting and was surprised by the force of my tears. The night of celebration, I was surprised how composed I was able to be as she and her sons showed tears. She deflected a bit at first but was deeply moved. You could see the release of deep emotions for her as she heard "Well done."

As I was engaged by Terry in front of the group, I was able to relive the moments and actually appreciate them more deeply. I was beginning to tear up a bit but was trying to control that and would actually have stopped short of going all the way had it not been for Terry. It was not his words that gave me permission to feel deeply and authentically, it was his eyes. Terry was tearing up and smiling a bit. I felt a deeper joy as I saw his eyes involved in my "Well done" moment. I was also deeply moved by a row of women who were at the event and were all moved to tears as well. Even now I can go back to that place and experience a deep loving satisfaction.

Deep Desire:
The celebration allowed me to feel a deep sense of protecting and providing for my heritage. This deep desire was also stirred when I saw my kids playing with neighbors on our back porch where they would sit down a child and say things about them. I felt the Father was pleased to redeem parts of the Doggett heritage that had experienced 5 generations of hell and chaos. The EH experience compounded this deep stirring, as I saw the chaotic heritage of the Doggetts not only being reversed, but used to restore and heal and encourage other heritages as well. The kind words of men and women afterward all nailed down even more securely in my heart.

Volitional:
Going back to the memory of the event is a powerful motivator and courage giver to me, but I have actually been fueled to action even more by the EH experience. This has validated my role as an identity giver to others I have counseled and consulted since the EH weekend. I have allowed myself to show emotion in my eyes as I have met with other men, and it has given them permission to go further into their own emotions. It has led to more productive life coaching exchanges with current clients, and also led to my securing the largest executive coaching client in the past three years this week. This encounter with Terry has had a deep impact on me personally, on my family and heritage, on the Wellspring retreat, and in my professional life as well.

To fulfill your essence is life itself. To live as a man you must engage with strength and love. That is who you are created to be.

To violate your essence is death. The distortion of your essence is to withdraw or dominate.

A gasoline-powered car cannot run on diesel. A man cannot run on withdrawal or domination. It will ultimately destroy his essence: who he really is. He may function on the outside but inside he is dying.

Dave Polstra focused on this truth yesterday morning in our team meeting. The starkness of it struck him deeply. To engage with strength and love is to live. To withdraw or dominate is to die. Even now the truth of that rings deeply in my heart.

This simple definition has become a guiding light for me in the last ten years. I’ve said it to myself with clenched teeth, I’ve cried out to God to empower me, I’ve failed, I’ve gotten up and continued to live in the simple power of being a man created in the image of God who the children of Israel celebrated in Exodus 15:13:

In your unfailing love you will lead

the people you have redeemed.

In your strength you will guide them

to your holy dwelling

As I reflect on this I am inspired and given courage to arise and enter my day with strength and love.

My first experience of a personal silent retreat came in 1985. As the years progressed so did my love for and desire to lead others in the spiritual rest and refreshment that comes from these times away with God. However, in 2000 I sensed God leading me to lay down this desire. For seven years I waited on the Lord until a conversation with friends began to open the door once again.

After personal silent retreat I shared my experiences with friends. Curiosity was often piqued, desire stirred. Would I take them? I did and loved the powerful testimonies they shared, spiritual breakthroughs, insights and epiphanies. A huge benefit of their retreats was a break from their own living space. A unique retreat feature is undistracted attention for God away from the stuff in your everyday life. God delights in our full attention!

Even in the privacy of our living environment, we often experience our surroundings making demands on our time and attention. Chores are waiting to be done. Mail needs to be sorted. Details cry out for attention. For my husband this happens when he walks outside. He can’t help but notice things that need to be repaired or removed around our property. Neither of us has found success in taking retreats at home.

After a 2008 retreat two local friends in particular encouraged me to lead a group experience. I began to pray and my desire grew as did my avoidance to commit! Although the holidays were around the corner God arranged a unique situation, set me up so I would stop waiting for my schedule to clear and dancing with intimidation.

A couple of interesting things happened while I was in semi-avoidance mode. The seven-year-old brochure resurfaced. There was no internal red light this time. I still had to push through a few obstacles but motivation and inspiration were driving me. Then, as I was cleaning out a large overly-stuffed book case, I found an old journal. I happened to turn to an entry from 1991, when I had taken the six college student to The Hermitage for their first retreat. The memory of their exuberant joy encouraged me! My deep-desire to experience and share these undistracted times of solitude was compelling. It felt like a purposeful call.

After the first session at a group 2009 retreat, I sat alone in the gathering room. Everyone had silently left, free to “hold the silence” until breakfast. The lights were off, the dancing candles were glowing, reflective music was playing softly adding to a holy moment that I chose to soak in and savor. I felt an incredibly deep sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. It was overwhelmingly sweet, like when at 19 I surrendered every area of my life. Suddenly a thought popped into my head, "I was born for this!" I have never felt so called and energized by anything in my life.

The following morning just before a group session a good friend came up to me and said, “Kathy, it’s as if you were born to do this!” Sharon’s echo of God’s voice reminded me of the term double confirmation I’d learned from Dr. Robert J. Clinton in The Making of a Leader.

My call involves creating environments that foster spiritual intimacy with God and others. Contemplative, silent and solitude based retreats are one of many platforms for walking out this call.

Tony and I so highly value time for reflection and retreat that we built a little hermitage in the woods near our home. This month two individuals experienced time alone in St. James.

What would it give you to set aside your digital world and the responsibilities that come with it to be alone in God’s presence? I can identify with the summing up of courage and determination to step away, to make Holy leisure a priority. If you have a sense of being drawn He’ll help you sort out the details. He longs to be with you!

A new world opened to me in 1985 when I took my first silent retreat on a small lake in Sturgis, Michigan. It was my first taste of intentional copious time of holy leisure. Silence is the dynamic of retreats like this.

In 1991, I had a desire to introduce others to this spiritual discipline so I invited six college students to a one-day retreat at The Hermitage, a silent retreat center in Three Rivers, Michigan. I just let them go with little instruction, something I’d never do now!

I experienced Christian spiritual direction at a silent retreat for the first time in 1994. My husband, Tony, and I volunteered for a three-month internship at The Hermitage. Abstaining from dialogue invited retreat participants into spontaneous uninterrupted experiences of God’s presence.

During my time at the Hermitage, weekly spiritual direction sessions gave me the chance to understand more fully something I’d been reading about for years. I was drawn to the comparison of a spiritual director being like a spiritual midwife. That fall after our return home and just before our son was born I found a grace-filled director to continue the process. She was instrumental in helping me discern a potential move. We were praying about a ministry job offer for me in the mountains of Virginia and I needed a sounding board for processing.

Three years after our internship we moved from Goshen, Indiana, when I accepted a ministry position in Bath County, Virginia. Our children had just turned five and three. I continued to take my own personal retreats; with work and young children even four hours free from children and errands was valuable. I escaped to a nearby country inn owned by friends. As a couple Tony and I had learned that giving each other time alone was an investment personally and in our marriage. In chunks of solitude without tasks or devotional agenda I could catch my emotional breath, catch up internally without all the external busyness.

During our time in the Virginia Allegheny Mountains I began work on my masters at Eastern Mennonite Seminary.  My interest in spiritual direction grew as I focused on Spiritual Formation. Part of my ministry job included providing spiritual direction to ministry leaders and missionaries on sabbatical or retreats. Extended times of silence often bring clarified purpose and direction.

From Loren Cunningham’s book Adventures in Faith and Finances I learned a “how, what and when” prayer principle. When God speaks the “what” (call related) the “how” and “when” come later. Faith is built as we wait for clarity on these two components. It takes discipline to avoid birthing an Ishmael. Although Abraham was called to be the Father of many nations, a season of faith-waiting was required before God’s plan of “how” and “when” was revealed.

For me this looked like shelving my desire to lead others into silence. I designed a brochure, had a couple of friends give me feedback then slipped it into the filing cabinet. I simply couldn’t ignore an internal flashing red “wait” light. That piece of paper stayed in the filing cabinet for seven years.

We learned a lot through our Vision Dinners and all who participated were encouraged, refreshed, and felt more connected with us, but we had a lower turnout than we thought we might have. However, throughout the fall I was able to stay in a place of rest and trust regarding our financial picture and other challenges we were facing. Going back through Reality 1 with a team of three men gave me strength and a sense of support. Ephesians 1 became a significant grounding as I went ever more deeply into the initiating, active, pursuing love of the Father who has blessed me with every spiritual blessing, lavished his grace on me, and guaranteed my eternal inheritance. God also met me in significant ways in my Silent Retreat.

As we came to December 31st I was battling discouragement. It looked as if we would fall short of our goals. “God I’ve sought to rest in you, trust in you, and look to you, so what is going on?” As I worked through this in light of the truth God had been revealing in me throughout the fall, God moved in amazing ways. I had two very open and encouraging conversations with our capital donors on the 31st and 1st. They sensed God leading them to invest the full amount we had requested and continue to personally engage in our strategic planning process. A key element in that process is hiring a high level person to develop the whole church strategy.

On Thursday and Friday, January 3 and 4 we were blown away by unexpected operational fund contributions that took us to $181,114 which was above our goal.

During my Silent Retreat I reflected on my vocational life and my growing perception that in each of the three stages of my career, business, pastoral ministry, and WG, I hit ceilings that I did not break through. In the last few weeks I’ve sensed that this is a significant area of focus in 2013.

Thoughts: In listening prayer on Dec 18 in a strategic planning meeting one of our staff had the picture of a wall and a big fist breaking through it. I’m wondering if that is the ceiling in my life and possibly WG. We are in a pivotal year. Many challenges lie ahead, but I clearly see that Aslan is on the move.

Feelings/sensing: stunned, in tears at times, speechless from one conversation with a donor, overwhelmed by God’s grace through all of this, particularly our capital donors’ willingness to invest personally, yet not control the process. Affirmed in letting go and trusting God and believing that my less can be his more. Affirmed in the move to Atlanta in spite of all the challenges. Believing that he is bringing us into a good land. Joy, laughter at God’s goodness. Fear – do I have what it takes to break through and overcome the internal and external challenges before me and us? Fear about the whole hiring process. Affirmed by the unexpected ways God moved. I’d been asking him for that. Convicted to look to the Lord for everything, not to specific channels. Loved and cared for.

Hearing from the Lord: well done. You are on the right course. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Trust me. You are a shepherd general so engage the battle.

Choices: to be a man who “delights in the counsel of Yahweh and meditates on his counsel day and night” so that I may be “like a tree planted by streams of water” and experience blessing even in the midst of the challenges. To seek God’s counsel and not shrink back from the challenges that lie ahead. To do what it takes to break through any ceiling that may be holding me back. To move into my fears and trust the Fellowship. To meditate on Phil. 3:10-14 as my desire for this year.

(10) I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, (11) and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.
(12) Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. (13) Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, (14) I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Photo courtesy of Can stock photo.

As usual we went to get the tree the day after Thanksgiving, Nov. 23. We went to Home Depot for the price, but it is harder to see them there since they are all bunched up. We didn’t have a lot of time because the four oldest grandchildren were scheduled to come over to help us decorate! That was brave. We settled on a tree that had a hole in one side but we thought we could fill it up with larger ornaments. So we get home, get the lights on, the kids come over and we get lots of ornaments on. We have it in a central place in our main floor living area and it looks great in the house. But then we realize the hole keeps growing as the limbs fall out. Ouch! Mary is getting nervous about this tree.

All four kids are spending the night so we finally get them all to bed and go to sleep ourselves. In the wee hours of the night I wake up and Mary is awake. So I ask what is wrong. “I’m just not sure I can live with that tree.” In the midst of my half asleep state the Spirit comes through and my response is, “Well, we can always take it back.” Yeah God!
So the next morning we get the kids back home and off to Home Depot we go. As expected they were gracious and we picked out another tree. This tree, which was the same price, was two feet taller than the other tree and ended up being one of the most beautiful trees we’ve ever had.

Why did I enjoy this more than any other tree? We have tall ceilings and a spacious living area. This tree could be seen and enjoyed from the dining room, living room, kitchen, breakfast area and studio. Its brilliant light, fragrance, and living beauty filled our home. With our decision to downsize to a smaller lot, fewer trees, and closer neighbors I’ve gotten in touch with my deep connection to nature, particularly trees. Even now tears come to my eyes. In some way this tree touched the beauty of the sanctuary I enjoyed in our home in Dothan as its warmth and light nurtured my soul. I truly didn’t want to take it down. We finally took it down last Saturday six weeks after we put it up. It was still beautiful!

Feelings: deep gratitude for the gifts of God’s faithfulness in the midst of the challenges of our transition, for being able to savor the beauty of the moment, for Mary’s artistic nature and perseverance to get what we will really enjoy, of God’s providential care for us in this season.

Desires met: nurture and refreshment, beauty, connection to God, Mary, and nature.

Choices: be thankful, celebrate the memories, pause and look for other manifestations of God’s providential love and care, buy another Christmas tree. I did actually think about it, but decided not to. 

Some days I asked my family not to even talk around me because it required too much energy for me to process what they were saying. When I was able to think clearly I alternated between wondering if I would ever get better to wondering if I would live to see my children grow up. I had never realized how difficult it is for a mother of young children to face her own mortality.

As I struggled with thoughts, feelings and emotions that seemed to be all over the board, the one thing I kept coming back to was a word the Lord gave me on Jan 1, 2012. It was a word of healing. Ironically, it came just days before I began to get seriously sick. Always, when things seemed darkest, the Lord would take me back to words He had spoken. Regarding health – you will walk in health that exceeds that of your younger years. Regarding finances – I have never seen the righteous forsaken or His children begging bread. Regarding my children – the waters will not overtake you.

So 2012 became, for me, a year of choices. Normally one who likes to stay on the rational floor, I hung out instead on the volitional. When my rational brain said “this doesn’t look like what God promised” I chose to believe that what He said was true was Truth. When my feelings threatened to take me under I chose to stand not on what I felt but on God’s character. “Even when you are faithless I will remain faithful,” He says in one of my favorite passages.

Sometimes the biggest battles we face in life are those that are unseen – the ones where we wrestle with our thoughts, feelings and emotions and ultimately choose what we believe. Do I really believe God loves me? Do I really believe God has good for me? Do I really believe that God is faithful?

Fairytales exist only in the storybooks. No one gets through this life on earth without facing challenges. It is what we choose to believe in the midst of those challenges that ultimately determines our successful navigation through the storms.

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33b

Although there are many similarities to the film version we have used clips from at the Battle for Your Heart events, the musical version currently in theaters is far superior overall as a story of battle, redemption, and restoration. And, it seems, truer to the original story than the earlier 1998 movie version.

Not only was the musical score inviting and moving, I was amazed at how the writer/composer was able to weave multiple levels of the same tune from multiple characters (different words) simultaneously, on one occasion on each of the Four Levels of the Heart we discuss in Wellspring. Each character was expressing his or her own perspective in the same moment. The result was a moving rendition of the heart’s searching and longing for what can only be satisfied in Christ's presence and work.

Universal Pictures

The entire movie clearly portrayed the thoughts, desires, fears, hopes, etc., that all hearts at some point encounter. In this instance, it was woven into a beautiful story.

I spent most of the 2nd half of the movie in touch with adeep desire to know and experience more of the deep restoration and grace God offers. Those two ideas were constantly reinforced by the songs throughout the movie, and left me feeling tender and emotional in moments.

Overall, the movie was a message of hope and restoration for life, all of life. I especially liked the final scene of restoration and resurrection of all the characters who had died during the course of the movie, all resonating the same message of grace, hope, and restoration.

This movie is well worth seeing at theaters due to its filming, drama, and sound. Refreshing, Hollywood got this one right again.

Mike Woodham has been involved with Wellspring Group since its inception in 2003. He serves as a mentor coach and has helped lead Engaging from the Heart events. By day Mike works as a Financial Advisor in Dothan, AL.

In an early marriage fight I observed myself shutting down emotionally for the first time. Pain blocked my ability to participate. Later I could not recall what Tony said in that conversation. Clearly, my behavior was not normal. Sadly, I don’t think I even prayed. It’s important to note that my withdrawal was not a result of any abuse. I was raised in a Christian home where anger was treated like the opposite of love. My family seemed to avoid and ignore a God-given emotion. This did not serve me well.

In the late 90's we lived in tiny Bacova, Virginia. One nearby neighbor, Jerry, was an ex-fireman who had been forced into early retirement due to an on-the-job injury. A roof fell in on him. They supplemented his disability check by providing childcare. One afternoon our young daughter walked out of the townhouse carrying a glass jar with one of their young charges behind her. I followed close behind with unheeded suggestions of possible plastic alternatives. As expected our daughter dropped the glass jar on the pavement. Jerry materialized, bringing an angry torrent. The teachable moment vanished just like joy from our home today.

Fifteen years ago I experienced Jerry’s full-blown rage, but he didn’t touch me. I was emotionally paralyzed, couldn’t think clearly. I did say I would talk when he had calmed down. I gathered our two preschoolers, went indoors, woke my husband from his nap and gave him a short event summary. I stated that I needed our little family to get in the car and go somewhere, anywhere that felt safe so I could begin to process what had happened.

The next week I poured over my newly purchased copy of Good Women Get Angry and received fantastic clarity from Drs. Gary Oliver and Norman Wright. I was shocked as I read that the Old Testament alone mentions anger 455 times, with 375 of those references dealing with God’s anger! I promptly began my personal Bible study on anger. I discovered that rage was anger out of control. It took me a long time to accept, understand and steward my own anger.

Our kitchen confrontation now moved to Tony’s office. I was fully present and didn’t withdraw. I looked straight into his eyes and heard him out. I took responsibility for my part and apologized. Then with conviction I pushed right back! I explained the intentions of my heart as I felt misunderstood. He apologized. We ended the conversation in a good place relationally.

How is your anger stewardship? Is there something you may need to dialogue with God about? If something is holding you back, what is it and how will you overcome any resistance?

Photo © Can Stock Photo

Prior to this year’s gathering, I sent an email suggesting a pot-luck-ish menu and provided a preview of what I’d like for us to do with our time after the meal. As a way to expand the simple “what am I thankful for this year”, I suggested we share something we are thankful for from each decade of our lives. There were a couple of jokes in the replies about those of us who would be telling stories that would bore the more youthful, but I didn’t know what to expect.

There were 20 of us who ate together on November 22nd ranging in age from 22-80. As we progressed through the meal and moved to dessert, I reminded folks of the multi-decade thanksgiving exercise and that we should probably start. My sister-in-law and brother set the early tone. They had worked on their lists and began to share deep heartfelt stories of growing up, friendships, love, children, challenges and victories. They confessed before all of us their love for each other and for us. Next, my Mother chimed in with some of the stories of her life. Wow, this is on! Folks were sharing their life stories with laughter and tears and “you may not have heard this before…” and so on.

After only a few had shared, it was obvious that this was a special and powerful time. Not to be forgotten. The friendship, love and support or our family was affirmed repeatedly.

There was in just about every story times of challenge and difficulty that in retrospect were times that we were now thankful for and could see God’s hand in. From the oldest to the youngest, everyone had a powerful story to share. My youngest son, 22, shared about his life now in another city and the happiness of being able to ride the public transit bus to his job he enjoyed each day and to go shopping, to a movie or to a concert with friends. Things that weren’t even dreams five years ago.

In Proverbs 17 we read that a cheerful or merry heart is good medicine. I can testify that our time of giving thanks through the stories of our lives was very good medicine as our hearts were cheered. As you gather with family and friends during the holidays and listen to the story of Jesus’ incarnation, listen too for echoes in the stories of your family. And give thanks; it’ll do your heart good.

The Biblical theme that most affected me has been the initiating, pursuing, active love of the Father and then the simplicity of my response to his pursuing love. I’ve reflected over and over again on the covenantal actions and intents of God toward Abraham, Moses, Israel and ultimately the body of Christ in Genesis 17:1-8, Exodus 6:2-8, Jeremiah 31:31-34, and Ephesians 1:1-14. Throughout the scriptures there is a resounding theme that God is the creator, initiator, redeemer and restorer who lavishes his grace upon us, his children. Our response is to hear and believe. Incredible, beautiful simplicity that is utterly counter intuitive to my fallen nature. Simple, but certainly not easy. Yet, as I continue to bathe myself in this truth, it does seem to be going ever more deeply into my heart.

Last Tuesday morning I spent time reflecting on God’s words to Abraham about who he was and what God would do for him.I then reflected on and wrote down what God has done in and for me in creation, redemption and restoration and what he has spoken to me about who I am to him and what he wants to do in and through me. It was affirming and encouraging to look back, hear, remember, and believe.

Within an hour I received an email that sent my feelings the other way! Now I had a choice. Do I believe God’s word or the negative feelings I’m experiencing? As I authentically grappled with that choice, there came a simple, yet peaceful response. I will choose to believe the word of God to me through the narrative of scripture, the person of Christ, the Spirit within, and the body of Christ around me. As I did faith and hope arose within me empowering me to authentically and effectively engage the situation with grace, clarity, and strength.

What are my feelings? They went up and down, but as I look back, I feel satisfied, grateful for God’s initiating, sustaining love that kept me and empowered me to love well. I am blessed and grateful to live in the Fellowship that desires to protect me and propel me into my part of the Story.

What are my desires? to stay in a simple place of hearing and believing, resting and trusting. To engage from that place instead of anxious activity. To love well even in the place of disappointment or pain because I trust in the sovereign, initiating, pursuing love of God.

What do I want to choose? continue soaking in this reality letting it go deep within, to stay connected to the Fellowship for support and courage.

I considered this question as I removed the fall decorations, stalling for several days before carefully choosing the Christmas replacements. I pondered who the decorations were for. I remember our daughter’s comment that she would be fine with hamburgers for our Thanksgiving meal.

Our children are young adults; there is a sense of familiarity and continuity in those decorations. I must think of December with January in mind. How will I maintain a positive attitude when it’s time to take those sentimental decorations down? How will I feel about juggling that task on top of special meal clean-up, hosting, travel follow-up and work catch-up? Will I ask my family for help? I’m not very good at that. I confess that in Januaries past I have seen resentment in my heart around this area.

What do I need in terms of self-care over the holidays and how will I get it? I’m asking myself this as I face cross-country travel. We will be out-of-state from December 30th – January 6th.

We have three family celebrations sandwiched between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Our daughter returns home from college two days before my birthday. Having been born four days before Christmas I have taken exams and gotten stuck traveling more than I want to remember on that day.

Last year was different! On our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary we spent money celebrating us instead of once again letting the holidays overshadow that event. I’m grateful that I could tell my husband clearly how important that was for me. He listened but I had to sort through what I needed and speak up.

We have spent many vacations in family settings. That’s been a chunk of our vacation budget over the years. Yes this is important. It can also be stressful. In the years spent building our business my life and schedule was regularly overextended. Anytime I left for a trip I had to work incredibly hard to get ahead. When I returned I braced myself to juggle extra work to catch up. Sadly, I got sick three Christmases in a row and I resented having to add travel to my holiday schedule. I am not proud of this.

When we had young children that required a watchful eye, holiday travel was overrated and definitely tiring as we jumped a few time zones. We accommodated our normal sleep routine in other’s homes. The cockatiel would chirp. People would run energetically up and down the basement stairs and the nearby clothing dryer labored at all hours. Then there was the heavy footfall of early risers overhead.

For me holiday self-care means evaluating what is realistic. I must take my heart to Jesus and let Matthew 11:28-30 inform what I do and how I do it. I must not assume tasks but think through the cost of saying “yes”. Amazing holiday serving opportunities will cross my path. They will tug at my heartstrings and demand more of my time. God gives the best gifts that touch the deep desires of my heart, things I cannot buy but yearn for. If I’m not careful I’ll be too busy to even ask for them.

What is Jesus’ invitation to you during this holiday season? How will you let him care for you?

Recently a dear sister gave me some feedback that surprised me and spurred me on to pursue her feedback with my WG men’s team of John Purcell, Lee Ellis and Dave Polstra. That yielded another surprise as they agreed with her feedback and then took it to another even more challenging level. Ooh, that was painfully good. It stung, but I also felt loved, covered, and pursued by these men.

Through the process of insight, feedback and trial and error change I am discovering more of my glory and brokenness.

• I am accepting more of the weight of who I am in the beauty and power of my capacity to see internal and relational dynamics with people. This is far more than the usual authentic Biblical community that I long for and when I don’t realize that I can sabotage my deepest desire for that community.

• I am grappling with the reality that what is powerful is dangerous. There is a time, place and way for that glory to be revealed. When I don’t “listen well in three directions” I can overpower people, distort the glory of God through me, and grieve my spirit and the Holy Spirit.

• I need to add a third S to the BLESS skills. Slow down!

• I am eternally grateful for the grace of God through the Fellowship. The Father never gives up, the grace of Jesus cleanses my sin, the Holy Spirit ceaselessly moves to bring me more and more into the glory for which the Trinity created me, the body of Christ, particularly through a small group of people, spurs me on to “love and good deeds” as they “speak the truth in love,” the word of God teaches, rebukes, and inspires me, and the communion of saints gives me hope to never, ever, ever give up for one day I will see Jesus face to face and I will experience the fullness of his glory and mine.

I am deeply grateful to the Father for blessing me with men and women who truly reveal the incarnate love of Christ. At this Christmas season that is a good and beautiful gift.

A Life Legacy deck contains 12 different cards, each with a statement such as, "Recall a choice you made based on a personal value," or "Describe a place you love," or "Recount something that turned out differently than you expected."

I have everyone take a card, face down, around the table. Then I have them turn the card over at the same time. If someone doesn't like their card, they can exchange with someone else at the table. Then, each person can share their answer in a family group setting. It's amazing how the conversation quickly goes from "Pass the peas and carrots" to "Wow, I never knew you experienced that.... tell me more." It is also a great way for you as the initiator of this game to practice your engaging skills with your family. Give it a try - your family dinners will never be the same again!

Dave Polstra is a Wealth Advisor at Brightworth in Atlanta, Ga. He and his wife, Betsy, have been involved with Wellspring Group since 2007. Dave has served as a BMH assistant facilitator. 

This statement was introduced to me at the Battle for Women’s heart event as a definition of the Essence of Femininity. I didn’t struggle with agreeing that it was true for women in general, but as Heather O’Brien I couldn’t say I actually believed that it was true about me. I began a journey after that initial weekend event. If I could get to the root of why I didn’t believe that statement was true about me, then I could begin to win the Battle for my heart.

Last week I was reading one of the daily devotionals in the Engaging the Fellowship follow-through process and the introductory sentences caught my eye. “He created many beautiful elements including light, galaxies, stars, oceans, and mountains. God’s creation up to this point reveals so much about God, yet the final and greatest part of God’s creation is man and woman.”

I found myself thinking about the most beautiful part of creation I have personally ever seen, the mountains of Peru. I spent days hiking those mountains. During that time not a day went by that I didn’t find myself stopped in my steps, mouth wide open, in awe of the majesty of the scenery. I have never seen or experienced anything like that in my life. Turn after turn, hour after hour, I was amazed by God’s ridiculous creativity and His ability to form so much beauty. I can’t even begin to image what it must have looked like before the fall. The beauty took away the pain of walking in high altitudes and even the long distances we were walking. I just could not get enough. Those mountains reframed my whole definition of beauty.

I then was brought back to Genesis 1:25 where God says that the result of the first 5 days of creation was “good.” He didn’t say creation was “very good” until man was created. This hit me in a whole new way. The creation of me is “very good” over even the majesty, unbelievable beauty of the Andes mountains? God said it. It is true. It hit me that my beauty was “very good.”

I must be extraordinarily beautiful in order for God to see me in that way. My desire is to see the beauty of His glory that I display in the way that God sees me. I know that I am missing out. If only I could see the fullness of beauty in myself and in those around me, then I could begin to imagine and start to wrap my head around the beauty of God.

Truly seeing myself and seeing other people would force me to totally reframe my definition of beauty.

Feelings: Overwhelmed with excitement of what these thoughts actually mean. I feel treasured. God has heard my cry to be who I was created to be, and He is walking with me and showing me how I can truly be Heather O’Brien. He has started by giving me a glimpse of the true beauty that I display.

Desire: I desire to take hold of what He is showing me and accept it as truth so that I can represent beauty in the way that only I can and fulfill my purpose.

Choice: To not shut down, but continue on this new adventure of finding and understanding God’s beauty through His relationship with me and who He is through others.

Through these eight years I’ve seen him struggle, stay engaged with Bryan and other men, generously and effectively give of himself as a retreat facilitator for men, and never give up in the midst of tremendous family and work challenges. Rob’s wife Marion became part of our Wellspring Challenge for Women and a retreat facilitator as well. They both grew individually and together through their challenges. All of this was part of the fabric of Rob’s life that empowered him to guide his family through their greatest challenge yet, the death of his and Marion’s 23 year old daughter, Ruth, on November 15.

It was a privilege and honor to walk with Rob and Marion through this challenge and then guide the memorial service last Tuesday. Rob wanted to share and as he did I witnessed one of the most stunning examples of masculine strength I’ve ever experienced. In the midst of intense grief, Rob shared honestly about the last few months of Ruth’s life, the unknowns surrounding her death, and the mistakes she made. He then shared a painfully beautiful story of a pear tree in their back yard that had come to symbolize her life. It was given to her, grew, was mistakenly cut down, and then in the last year began to bring forth beautiful fruit. Rob refused to accept that Satan had won a victory in Ruth’s death. He did not know why and could not understand, but he knew that God was loving, sovereign, was working this for good in their lives, and that redemptive fruit would come!

Then and even now tears come to my eyes as I experience this incredible declaration of faith from the pained heart of a father, a father who knows how to take his pain to Jesus, to find comfort in the Fellowship of the Trinity, the Body, and the Word, and arise with beautiful, humble masculine strength. I am humbled to be a part of his and Marion’s journey of faith and trust and to see who they are becoming to the glory of God and the blessing of many, many people.

Photos: Ruth Compton and her son, Jesse

“Those who follow Jesus’ commandment entirely, who let Jesus’ yoke rest on them without resistance, will find the burden they must bear to be light. In the gentle pressure of this yoke they will receive the strength to walk the right path without becoming weary.”

Wow.

I must confess that I have been very weary lately. I used that exact word – “weary” – recently in conversation with new friends. I was trying to explain to them some of the burdens that I have been carrying for the last several years and the non-stop nature of the battles I’ve been fighting. Admitting to the weariness brought a kind of relief.

And yet, when I read Bonhoeffer’s words today, I was struck by the thought that perhaps the fact that I am feeling weary is a warning sign. Perhaps my weariness is an indication that I am carrying a load that Jesus does not intend for me to carry. Perhaps He meant it when He said, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Perhaps He really does want to do the heavy lifting, and He has something more to teach me about casting all my cares upon Him.

This is not the first time that this thought has occurred to me – in fact it seems to be a recurring theme, but it seems that I am finally beginning to pay close attention. My life has felt very much like a roller coaster for the last, oh, 5 years. No kidding. There have been really glorious celebrations, occurring hand in hand with really grievous losses. Death, sickness, rebellious children, troubled relationships – these have been my close companions, as well as spiritual victories, more freedom in Him, restored friendships, and a new sense of purpose and mission. I have been grateful not to have been overwhelmed – indeed, the Lord has been very merciful to me as I ride this coaster ride – and yet I realized recently that I have also been holding my breath, spiritually. I’ve been gritting my teeth and waiting for the pace to slack up a bit, for a lasting peace and relief from hard things.

This was never what Jesus promised.

When I read Bonhoeffer’s words, I felt a shift in my soul. I think a new piece of the puzzle has clicked into place for me. Jesus is inviting me to exhale. He intends for me to walk so closely with Him that He bears the weight of my cares and concerns. This is His way – not to rescue me from the circumstances or “ease up” on the pressure but to strengthen my ability to lean on Him in the midst of it. I know this – I do – but tonight I know it more clearly, somehow.

Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.        Matthew 11:28-30

Photo: A memorial for Bonhoeffer and other executed German resistance members. 

For the last few days I’d been reflecting on the Battle Preparation from Reality 1 Week 6 on the words of the Father to Jesus at his Baptism and Transfiguration. In the few moments I had before leaving I responded to the following question. I later wrote out what I experienced in those few moments.

What do you sense God the Father is communicating to Jesus through each element of this blessing?

You are my son.

As I reflected on this question it was like I had an epiphany. There was an awareness of how the Father and Son are alike yet different since Jesus is human. There was a sense of delight, joy and connection between them that then washed over me in an intimate, unusual way. I and the Father are alike, yet different. I felt a warmth of connection to the Father I don’t think I have ever had, an intimate connection of father and son. Only my son, Jonathan, bears my likeness. In the same way I bear the likeness of my father in a way unique to our relationship. Somehow this went into the depth of my heart in a way it never has before. I have sensed deep love, but this was in the realm of identity between me as a son and he as a dad. Even now as I write in the evening there is a sense of warmth and identity.

As I have reflected on this since then, it seems that in the past ten years when I have consistently experienced this blessing it has focused on love. Then Friday something shifted. I am created in his image and likeness, I do bear something of my Father that no one else does and there is an intimacy of Father and son I don’t believe I have ever experienced at all four levels of my heart.

Feelings: awe, excitement, humility, joy, hope, wondering how my lack of knowing this depth of intimacy with my Heavenly Father affected my own fathering.

Desires met: deep connection, belonging, intimacy,

Choices: to continue to explore this at all four levels of my heart

Two weeks ago, I volunteered to participate in demonstrating a skill-building exercise during a Wellspring Group workshop. This exercise is very simple but also very powerful because it teaches people how to peel back the layers of the heart (like peeling layers of an onion) that surround very surface desires to discover deeper desires. By getting to the deeper desires that under-gird the surface desire, we can understand what the real motivations are and allow God to work in those areas, often changing our surface desires in the process. So, for the exercise, I chose a surface desire, and another Wellspring facilitator began to peel back the layers. Here is how it went:

My surface desire was for an SUV, specifically a Toyota Sequoia. That is pretty surface and shallow, right? So the question was, if you were to have that Sequoia, what would that give you?

Answer: a larger vehicle that I feel will protect my family.                                                               

Question: if you were to have a larger vehicle that you feel will protect your family, what will that give you?

Answer: a sense of security that I am protecting my family well.

Question: if you were to have a sense of security that you are protecting your family well, what would that give you?

Answer: Peace, confidence, rest.

Question: if you were to have peace, confidence and rest, what would that give you?

Answer: I would feel loved by God.

Wow. I want a Sequoia, but the deeper internal motivation is that I am looking for a way to feel secure and, therefore, loved by God. So, here is the problem: if I had bought a Sequoia, would I have satisfied my desires? Not likely, because the deeper motivation is an issue of trust that cannot be resolved by my own effort. It requires faith. Can I trust that God loves me enough to protect my family? As my friend Sam so poignantly stated after the exercise, “What you were saying is that when Makiah died, God didn’t love you.”

So, what will I do with this freshly revealed distrust? Confess it. Preach the gospel of Christ and the cross to myself. And then return to the subject with my fellowship and through prayer. Jesus experienced this world’s sufferings more deeply than I could and proved His love through those trials. There are many questions that I cannot answer but whether God loves me or not is not one of them. Oh, how He loves us!

By the way, I’m still not decided about whether to buy a Sequoia or not, but I know now that I need to resolve the issue of trust before making that decision, and I also know that I cannot take matters into my own hands. I need to follow God and trust Him in protecting my family.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

In light of this passage what are you…

Thinking?

Feeling?

Desiring?

Choosing to do in response?

Please share what the Lord speaks to you through this passage in the Comment section below.

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Currently everyone in my family is healthy and in a reasonably good place. We haven’t lost our jobs, our home or each other. Tony and I are teetering on the cusp of emptynesthood which is a thought I’m embracing wholeheartedly.

Even so, little twisted negative thoughts are seeking to pierce my conscious with a bunch of worthless lies. They desire to pull me away from perfect peace by degree if that’s what it takes. It seems a bit like playing king of the hill. That is a territorial game. My mind is territory but this is not a game. Why is it that I am often caught off guard when my thoughts are rolling pell-mell down that hill? The enemy wants to rule my mind.

This summer I started memorizing scripture by just savoring it. I’m letting truth trickle down into my heart. We have a wall fountain in our home that water rolls down. It’s like that. When I experience “light and momentary troubles” I notice gratefulness welling up in my heart and marvel, “Hey! These unwelcome inconveniences are actually doing something for me!” I keep coming back to II Corinthians, 4:16-18. This ongoing intentionality with scripture is helping tuck in loose unproductive thoughts previously flapping like an out-of-control kite in an Oklahoma wind.

For me the most difficult part is remembering to stop and reset my heart. That scripture in Colossians 3:1 about setting our mind on things above is an imperative sentence, a command. So the understood subject is “you” but in this case me. I must set my mind on things above. It’s my job to fill my mind and meditate on things that are true, authentic, compelling as Paul exhorts in Philippians 4. No one can do this for me. No option for delegating here. Maybe this mental discipline falls in the category of working out my salvation with fear and trembling. That seems like a stretch. Still, I must come through for myself when it comes to the Battle raging in my mind.

About two years ago I began to feel like I was losing spiritual influence in our children’s lives. I needed a new road map or maybe another prayer strategy. I now take great delight in God’s kind words found in Isaiah 42:16 and I feel hope growing in my heart as I soak in it then pray promises from it:

“Lord, thank you for holding my hand because I can’t see where I’m going and I’ve never been this way. You are my personal guide through this unknown country. Thank you for being right here with me, showing me what roads to take and keeping me out of the ditch and away from the cliffs! You are with me and for me, not leaving me for a minute.”

Scriptural truth keeps my thoughts in a posture of obedience to Christ. I set my heart by focusing on what is true. We are not alone in this. There is a Way Maker ready to lead us through. When we reset our hearts with scripture our thoughts stay focused on our King of the mountain!

Part of our ongoing series on Reflecting on Scripture from all four levels of the heart. We invite you to read and respond below.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."                                   John 16:33

In light of this passage what are you…

Thinking?

Feeling?

Desiring?

Choosing to do in response?

Please share what the Lord speaks to you through this passage in the Comment section below.

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A friend challenged me to reflect on my battle. To place the challenge in context, I had stated that my life was a battle and one that would take everything I had to fight well. I had also said that I was fighting to love well and cherish my loved ones every day. In response to that, I was asked to reflect on what the battle is for me, what I am fighting for and against, and what is at stake for gain and loss.

Since losing Makiah, I see the battle much more clearly. This loss has brought the battle home.  I had a friend die  from cancer in May (2010) whom I had fought for in prayer for about a year, and I knew that the enemy was really killing. There was a war, but it was still somewhat distant…outside the boundaries of my most intimate domain. Makiah’s death was a blow near the very heart of my territory. The murderer had broken into my family’s home and killed our youngest, most innocent.

I felt shocked, like it was unreal, then angry that Satan had touched us, then just sad at all that was lost, confused by the injustice, powerless to protect or provide for that which was most loved, and pain that I simply cannot explain.

In all of this, I have identified my enemy…It is Satan. It is the accuser of the Brethren, who incessantly condemns us for failing as protectors, who whispers seeds of doubt about the reality of Heaven. It is that roaring lion who has somehow stolen God’s praise from the mouth of a precious babe on Earth, who has killed the profound beauty of Christ’s love so often seen in this little girl, who has destroyed our hope and faith to see a life that glorified God on Earth as it is in Heaven. My enemy is not a substance-abusing teen or even his drug dealer. It is not the unknown or the next possible tragedy. Those were all pawns in the hand of the devil.

My fight is to overcome evil with good by loving my world well. I am fighting for my family and the people I love most. I am fighting for my dear friends, and I am fighting for each person that God places in front of me. I am sometimes despairing to cherish each day to the fullest, to feel deeply and express my love fully. As hard as I try, I know that it may be cut short. I may lose my next opportunity to engage their hearts, to hold them, to tell them I love them.

What is at stake? Relationships. Will I have invested my life into the people around me in such a way that they trust me? Will they feel loved and be spurred on to loving others? Will they know that God loved them? If they don’t see and feel the love of God, then what?

Souls are at stake. Satan steals, kills and destroys on earth, but he knows as well as I do that the battle is not for the next hour. The battle in the next hour is for eternity. God’s praise and glory, through our lips and hearts, are at stake.
Liberty is at stake. If I quit fighting, then the enemy has won, and I enter into captivity. If I am free, then I am in the battle, and I am only free if I am in the battle.

That is my battle.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
Philippians 4:8

In light of this passage what are you…

Thinking?

 
Feeling?

Desiring?

Choosing to do in response?

Please share what the Lord speaks to you through this passage in the Comment section below.


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Psalm 27:13

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living

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Please share what the Lord speaks to you through this passage in the Comment section below.

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Recently while reading John, I was challenged by Mary, Jesus’ mother. She shared a simple observation with her son and then gave a simple command to others found in John 2:1-5.

Observation to Jesus = “They have no more wine.”                      
Command to servants = “Do whatever he tells you.”

I am impressed by how Mary trusts in Jesus’ ability to come through. She let go of the outcome. I am encouraged by Mary’s model of faith not fear. How did Mary’s faith change the future? Jesus did say it wasn’t his time. He’s the one that does only what his Father’s doing.

I am growing in my ability to surrender control of the outcome. Before children Tony and I discussed whether to buy a home before or after starting our family. My faithless response? “We should start a family before we buy a house or we’ll never be able to afford children.”

My thoughts revolved around controlling potential financial duress. None of my feelings were pleasant, all were grounded around insecurity. What I desired was obviously a family and a sense of security in a home and in our finances. So I unconsciously made a fear-based decision, my default setting at the time.

I had a really bad habit of walking in the futility of my mind, trying to figure things out on my own. This is exactly what we’re directed not to do in Proverbs 3:5-6. What is the hidden cost of fear-based decisions?

I’ve learned many helpful things about my old habit of fear-based decisions. What is birthed out of fear comes from a desire to control. When I fear I believe a lie. I set myself up for a peace-less and potentially fruitless season in an area of my life. Fear-based decisions reflect action without God in the mix. This infringes upon two of my life-passages, trusting God with all my heart and not living with anxiety. The sentences in Pr. 3:5-6 and Phil. 4:6-7 are commands with “you” being the understood subject. I also miss out on powerful God-promises.

Have you ever been robbed? What was that like? When fear and anxiety win a heart-skirmish I am robbed of my benefit of peace and being guided on a “straight path”. Faith empowers God; fear empowers evil. Focusing on potential loss energized me to choose faith.

What are you doing without God? Will you cash in on your benefit of other-worldly peace? How can you involve God in that responsibility, that decision in front of you to influence the outcome in a different way? I believe a faith-full decision is accepting an invitation to live care-free, child-like. Fear costs us a lot.

As I’ve written about before we have a ritual in which the children line up or run to me and I pick them up and swing them into the air. In the last few months Ann Catherine, who is nineteen months old, has gotten the idea and she now greets me with a big smile, anticipation, and glee as I swing her into the air.

After our opening ritual she and I had a fun filled time of laughter and squeals of delight as I chased her around our dining room table and chased her and chased her. It never ceases to amaze me how much children love to be pursued. Sounds like a deep desire to me.

Then we all went up to the little neighborhood park about fifty yards from our home. As we got to the playground each child, Elise almost 7, Audrey age 4, and Elliott almost 3, began to shout, “look at me granddaddy, look at me!” As I tried to respond to each one, Annie scrambled up the ladder to a platform about 5 feet off the ground. As I leapt after her, each one kept yelling to be seen. So in between shepherding a very active Annie I responded to each child, seeing him or her and responding with love and affirmation of their amazing activities.

Jesus says we must become as little children to enter into the kingdom of heaven. What all does that mean? I often see our deepest desires unashamedly expressed by children. We all long to be pursued, seen, heard, and affirmed. As children we readily cry out for those we love to see us, to recognize us, to affirm who we are and what we do. I wonder when that stops or goes underground. What happens when the cries go unheard or responded to in anger, frustration, or attack?

Our deepest desires can only be met in God, yet God gives us the privilege to reveal and represent him to those in our domain, our area of influence. It is indeed a privilege to in some way let my grandchildren know that yes, granddaddy sees you, pursues you, hears you, and longs to affirm you. If I do that well, it is only an echo that God always has and always will see you, hear you, and affirms you as his beloved creation. If I fail then God’s heart hurts and he will always keep trying by whatever means possible to let you know that he does indeed see you, pursue you, hear you, and affirm you as his beloved creation.

Today my Battle Prep/devotional related to Jesus’ longing to gather us to himself as a mother hen does her chicks. I needed that. In fact we never stop needing to experience God seeing us, pursuing us, hearing us, and affirming we are his beloved creation. Today I experienced that in his word, by his Spirit, and through his body. I am comforted, encouraged and given faith to engage the battle.

In light of this passage what are you…

Thinking?

Feeling?

Desiring?

Choosing to do in response?

Please share what the Lord speaks to you through this passage in the Comment section below.

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We closed on our new home Thursday September 20th and discovered a few challenges we had to work through. Then on Friday afternoon as Mary was preparing for the move she missed the last step of the stairs and turned her foot. She is a determined woman so she kept on going trying to prepare for the work day scheduled for Saturday. She finally realized she had to cancel the work day and get some medical attention. By the time she made her way to an urgent care facility it was early evening. I was in an Engaging from the Heart event which I left in the able care of Mike Woodham, Kathy Stoltzfus and Collin Setterberg.

The ER doctor thought her foot was fractured. We finally got home with crutches and instructions to stay off her foot all weekend and see an orthopedist on Monday, the day before we moved in. I then went into servant mode. On Saturday she went into excruciating pain with leg and foot cramps for over six hours. Fortunately those have not happened again. To say the least I was glad for our leadership team at the Engaging from the Heart who took over for me from Friday afternoon all the way through to the end.

In the midst of these challenges our confidence in the house decision was shaken once again. On Sunday evening I sat down and thought through the whole process, repenting of where I had made mistakes and the energy behind those mistakes. Once again I came to naked trust in the providential, loving care of the Father. In the coming week we experienced that care in many ways.

Fortunately we got in to see an orthopedic nurse practitioner after lunch on Monday and Mary’s foot was not fractured, just severely bruised. She left with an orthopedic shoe and instructions to go easy on it, ice it often and stay off it as possible. We were thankful.

Midday Monday Ric and Alice came and moved in with their inflatable beds! Ric is a mechanical handy man and when the movers came in with the big truck on Tuesday he and Alice knew what to do as veteran movers! To be honest I was overwhelmed, almost paralyzed by the magnitude of what was before us and the reality that I am mechanically and practically challenged! God moved into my deficit through Ric, Alice and numerous other friends and family who loved us well practically and relationally. Ric and Alice stayed until Friday morning and by then we were operational and enjoying the beauty of our home. In the midst of all the work, we enjoyed precious moments of savoring            Alice unpacking!        God’s faithfulness through one another.

I’ve begun a new Engaging the Fellowship team with John Purcell, Lee Ellis and Dave Polstra. The Battle Preps last week were all about the pursuing heart of God and through each one of them I saw deeper than ever before God’s pursuit of me, love for me, and excitement about me, even when I fall down and make mistakes. I saw his heart to love me, even bless me right where I am. That deeply nurtured my soul. In our meeting this past Monday morning I experienced each one of us receiving and reflecting God’s pursuing heart.

In the midst of the struggles, I’ve seen that in the pressure of the last six months I’ve let my devotional life slip and in the travel schedule of the last 18 months not consistently engage with a few men at the depth needed. So those weaknesses coalesced with weaknesses in our decision making process and I buckled. EviI is hunting us. To overcome Evil I must do what I teach: surrender to the Trinity, stay connected to the body, be grounded in the scripture and surrounded by the communion of saints. Two out of four is not enough. I’m moving to correct the weaknesses and receive the full strength of that Fellowship that longs to protect me and empower me to withstand the pressure of this life and the Evil that hunts me.

So I still struggle with fear at times, wondering about how things will turn out, concerned that my mistakes opened the door to the enemy, grappling with the incredible nature of grace, struggling to believe that even in the midst of all my challenges God still loves me, calls me his son, and is even pleased with me. As I see God’s heart toward me through his word and his body, I am growing in faith that through all of this my intimacy with the Father will grow, my sense of identity in him will be strengthened, and that we will see the goodness of God in our lives and this home.

As I look back over these weeks, I am thankful for God’s patience with me and yours as well. I am grateful for all those who have helped make this move possible, for all the good things in our new home, and for what I believe God will do through our move to Atlanta. Mary is already, with the help of many friends, making our home beautiful. God has been good to us and I want to grow in celebrating that.

I have been married four years, and my wife is pregnant with our first child. So the “Battle for Men’s Hearts” came at a crucial time for me. Not only am I beginning what I hope is a fruitful career in ministry, but more importantly I am setting the trajectory of future generations, especially the relational and behavioral patterns of the family I am building with my wife.

My time at the “Battle” event gave me a framework for thinking about my life in terms of the bigger picture, or “Larger Story” - the story of God’s love for and redemption of the world in Christ. I also gained a clearer vision of how my role as a man figures into this larger story. Personally, I don’t think we’re clear as a society or even as Christians as to what a good man looks like. The brokenness in families and the lack of healthy father figures, along with the abundance of false models in the media (be it James Bond, Homer Simpson, over-hyped athletes or contrived TV/film/music personalities, there are plenty!), confuses the picture of real masculinity.

Like many men, I’m affected by honest questions of what it means to be a real man, and even troubled when I wonder if I have what it takes to make it to the end as one. I desire to be a man of honor, to have my actions resonate with authenticity, to have what I do here on earth “echo in eternity” (line from Gladiator), to have meaningful and long-lasting relationships – particularly with my wife and children, to be known and loved, and to love well. But if I’m honest, I more often use things, people, work, pleasure, etc., to convince others and myself that I am a secure man. I don’t consistently experience them simply as a gift of being a child of God, a redeemed man secure in the love of the Father.

It was only recently that I began to see how my shaky identity as a man was affecting my wife. Whether it was the performance oriented, high-achieving family and community environment I grew up in, the nagging and looming feeling of potential failure, or simply the lack of embracing the good news of God’s acceptance of me in Jesus Christ, my anxiety and insecurity was affecting our relationship and our marriage.

The weekend at the “Battle” event reminded me of the deep love of the Father. I experienced this through the movie clips, the teaching times, the periods of silence and reflection, the fellowship of my team, and maybe even the cumulative effect of these things. I heard once again the authoritative voice of validation that only God can give to us in the gospel of Christ crucified and resurrected on our behalf – that we are His sons, that He loves us, and that He is well pleased with us! I am trusting that this weekend will be a catalyst for my marriage, my family, and future generations of men and women in my family and beyond. I am excited to see what the effects will be, and I feel more peaceful and confident as I trust in God’s care for us and embrace the unique role God has afforded me as a husband and father.

I have often prayed that God would meet people powerfully in their deepest needs. Indeed, I have a conviction that our experience of God is deepest in our deepest need – “He who is forgiven much, loves much.” Our ability to experience God is directly correlated with our ability to recognize our desperation.

This season of my life has confronted me with the various needs that I really have, and I have been shocked at the depth and pervasion of my desperation. My lips have paid service to the theology of total depravity for many years, but my disposition and my actions have not always aligned with those theological confessions.

Today, I am broken. My heart is torn, and my strength has left me. I have searched my soul for some solid place to stand and found nothing…no island upon which I might rest. My very being has become lost in a flood of grief and desperation so deep that my entire world has been covered.

Am I good?

Can I offer my world the strength it needs to live again?

Can I provide a safe place to rest and take solace?

Can I achieve justice for those I love most?

Am I whole or can I offer wholeness to my domain?

Do I belong, and do others belong with me?

As I ask myself these questions, I hear a defiant and painful response:

“No…. No…. No…. No…. No…. No.”

I, like Cain, have considered violence and murdered in my heart. Like Peter, I have withdrawn from the challenge of suffering and crucifixion. Like Moses, I have doubted what was in my heart and have found myself relinquishing my calling. Like Mary, I have watched in absolute powerlessness as those whom I love most suffer at the hands of a damned world. Like John the Baptist in prison, I have doubted what was revealed to me once. Like David, I have been broken and hid in a dark, secluded cave unable to achieve any good for my people. Like Elisha, I have witnessed the hand of God and then considered myself alone. I have heard Rachel crying in the wilderness, her children taken from her, refusing to be comforted.

In all of these things, my strength has failed. My wisdom has been found wanting. My soul has been anemic. My words, empty. In the great sadness, all I am has been lost.

Beauty before me one moment, ripped away the next. There was for a moment, love. Then for what seemed an eternity, there was only loss…deep, deep loss. What? What eloquence depicts the ruin of a soul?

Deceived. That is what I was. Deceived to act as though I was whole. Deceived to work as though I could offer comfort or strength to my world. Deceived to believe in a small way that my heart was good. Wicked, deceitful beyond all imagination, distorted and blind...

Blind to my own wickedness. Blind to the twisted world around me. Blind to my separation and loneliness. Blind to the ruin of others’ souls. Blind to the anger that has welled up within me. Blind to the selfish motives in “compassion.”

 Horribly blind.

Will the blackness ever retreat? Will it relinquish its hold on vibrancy and color? Is there a light that breaks forth at dawn? Is there a sunrise that banishes the darkness?

Can a ruined soul become whole again? Can murder be consumed by compassion? Can loss be recovered? The pain assuaged? Can the wounds heal?

Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!

Through it all I’ve struggled with knowing, what was fear and what was wisdom? What were my distortions of getting it right and being in control of the process or is the Holy Spirit saying this was not his home for us? At each juncture I’ve prayed through and sought counsel. Each time I felt to continue. These struggles have not been easy for me nor Mary, yet we’ve worked through them together. Through phone calls, emails, being in the Word, and in worship we’ve certainly experienced the love and power of the Fellowship that desires to protect us. We have felt loved and covered.

With the closing set for Thursday September 20th, it all came to a head this past weekend. We moved into the Polstras’ beautiful home last Tuesday. We were surrounded by beautiful trees with sunlight streaming through. I was deeply reminded of our home in Dothan and aware that our new home was a huge transition. It is beautiful and very nice but is on a small lot with small trees and our neighbors are right next to us. Am I ready for this? Will it work?

Sunday morning we went to Church of the Redeemer for worship and the closing song was “On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand.” (words below) As I sang each verse and repeated the chorus tears streamed down my cheeks as I realized how desperate I was for God and that truly I can only trust in him, not in my process, not in my knowing I got it right.

On Monday morning through a conversation with a sister and then a brother I realized that God was clearly calling me to trust his loving, providential care for our lives. As this brother pursued my heart, I clearly sensed God calling me to “naked trust” in his loving, providential care for our lives. As I confessed that to him and God, tears streamed down my cheeks. After a few moments of silence, he said, “that feels like a courageous violation of your pose.” I felt vulnerable, affirmed, loved and cared for by him, the Trinity and the body of Christ.

Looking back:
I’m amazed at how much the lie of having to get it right and the need to control to make sure I get it right still affects me. I’m surprised by how much our Dothan home and yard really meant to me, how much God used it to nurture and refresh my soul, and how much of “Shalom” I experienced there.I’m incredibly grateful for God’s grace to me through the Fellowship including my wife. I’m blessed to be in a place to experience such a beautiful home.

Looking forward:
I’m excited to see how God will use Mary’s creativity to make this house and yard into a home and reflect something of God’s very glory through it as it points us and people to rest in him and the hope of eternity.I want to grow in looking forward to the eternal home that God has been revealing to me in the last few chapters of Revelation when we will finally and fully experience the “Shalom” we were created and redeemed for.To walking with Mary throughout the rest of our lives in the adventure of trusting God together.
My prayer of thanksgiving for you is that you may truly experience in ever deeper ways the “Shalom” of home in the Trinity as you grow in trusting only in him.

Larry Bolden

On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

When darkness seems to hide His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

In the Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien, a story unfolds of a young man who was chosen to play a significant part in a very large story. The story is captivating and millions have read and viewed that story many times over. We resonate with that story and feel some kinship to Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee and their amazing journey. We hurt with them and cheer for them as they overcome obstacles and fight for their lives and the lives of those in their homeland and beyond.

Do you ever feel like there’s a story that’s bigger than your personal journey, but you’re not sure who’s writing it or what part you are playing? If you answered in the affirmative, then, welcome to the human race! You are a man or woman created for beauty, strength, love and adventure.

Your question is not new. In the Ancient Near East, the great King Solomon asked the same question. He asked many questions, but perhaps his most profound or powerful question and observation was recorded in the book called Ecclesisates. You’ve probably heard parts of this book read or even sung. The early 60s rock band The Byrds recorded the song Turn! Turn! Turn! in 1965 that drew heavily on Solomon’s writing about the seasons of life. They sang from the third chapter of Ecclesiastes about “a time to plant and a time to uproot, … a time to weep and a time to laugh,” and their lyrics rang true. Many of us have experienced those times.

A further reading of that same chapter finds these words:

God has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also put eternity in their hearts, but man cannot discover the work God has done from beginning to end. (Eccl. 3:11)

It is a fascinating read. The insight that Solomon brings as he describes God’s relationship to his creation and, especially, people is profound in every phrase. So, there is a grand story in our hearts. Put there by our Creator God. What difference does that make? So what?

Solomon says that this sense of a Larger Story was put in our hearts by God. And that we don’t know the end of the story from the beginning. If you read further in the same paragraph, Solomon suggests that there are recurring themes or vignettes that makes it more confusing.

We end up looking for validation on our part of the story. We look for a script or a piece of the script that might show us where to stand or what to say. Solomon says that with that “eternity” comes a burden to search for our part to play. Otherwise, it’s all meaningless. And without meaning and understanding our essence and living in that essence, we begin to die.

Alas, there is hope. Our creator and author still lives and wants to have a relationship with all of humanity. You and me, too. So, we take our question to God. We ask him what our part in his story is and, then, … we listen.

And it is a captivating story. This is going to be good. I’m in this Act! And you are, too.

Our baby begins to smack his lips or make small fussing sounds, and I’m alerted that he is probably hungry and needs a diaper change. I can feel an impulse in me to respond instinctively to the cry either by going ahead and beginning the now familiar routine or by asking Laura to do the same.

But, I catch myself realizing that my instinctual response is short-sighted and may fail to account for the larger story. I take 5 seconds to mentally step back and think through what is going on here. Are there any other factors at play that could make him sound like this? I’m grateful to realize that nothing else seems obvious here and that my instinct was on track. Then, I take 5 more seconds to step back a little further. Is my response taking into consideration the broader picture of our lives and the fact that this little boy has joined us on a journey through this life and does not actually rule anything here? As I think of this, I sense myself relaxing internally because I realize that the Sovereign of our lives is still ruling and that my responses can come out of love and obedience to Him, not just the good (but not best) impulse to satisfy my child.

This is it. This is where the rubber meets the road in everyday life. Will I live out of an internal driven-ness to personally meet the needs and demands of the world around me, or will I take an eternal perspective by responding to the call and heart of God in every situation? The practical result is going to be changing the diaper and feeding the baby either way in this situation. But if I do so out of my own impulsiveness, I will end up feeling the weight of having carried the load of another situation in my own strength and wisdom, and Laura may hear the stress in my voice as I let her know she needs to feed the baby, putting unneeded strain on our communication. If I engage that familiar routine in response to God’s love and call, I trust the rule of the King, and He carries the burden. His yoke is easy. His burden is light. My voice is relaxed, and I’m at peace and secure enough to enjoy serving my son and wife.

I don’t always do it, but this step back is the recognition of a Larger Story at play. Frequently, living in the small story can seem so deceptively similar to the Larger Story that I don’t ever realize when I got off the right path. Why don’t I see it coming? Because the paths look the same on the outside. The separation first occurs in the internal decisions of rulership and responsiveness to the heart and voice of God. I can make 5, 10, 25 or even 100 decisions internally driven by my own rulership that all look like the decisions we might make under the rule of Christ. I can become so used to making decisions that way that when a decision presents itself that has consequences for the external path I walk on, I don’t see it coming and I lack the ability to hear the Holy Spirit nudging me back in the right direction.
How does that actually work in real life? Back to the baby’s fuss. Let’s say that I consistently respond out of my own impulsiveness. After 5 or 6 times of sensing the increasing stress in my communication with my wife, I decide that I won’t do that any more. If I hear him crying, I’ll do everything that I can do myself out of my sense of duty and then I’ll come to her and let her know that I’ve done everything else already. Weeks pass, and I’m tired. I don’t enjoy the routine because I’m fulfilling it out of duty. My wife still senses stress in my voice, and she can’t understand why I just take over every time the baby makes a noise. Her toes are sore from being stepped on. I think I’m a superhero. She thinks I’m difficult. My pose is in full force, and if she slips into hers, we have a volatile cocktail of dysfunction. Boom! 

All of this could be avoided if I monitor my internal responsiveness to God and keep the headwaters of the heart clean rather than trying to cope through behavior management. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
I’m grateful for the community of believers around me who are pushing me to think deeply, live deeply, andobey God deeply rather than passing through this new season of life unaware of all that it could be. The result is deep joy and fulfillment, relaxing and trusting God for the outcomes.

Pregnant again in our sixth year of marriage, I prayed passionately. At that time my conviction was that I could be a co-creator with Christ through intercession, sort of like a vocalist in an ensemble. I could make a significant contribution in this little person’s personality! So, like Hannah, I dedicated this child to the Lord with ambitious prayers specifically related to leadership gifts. “May this one be a creative mix of us, the best of both and an extrovert”! On and on I went giving God my list during regular prayer walks. I may have poured my heart out like water, but honestly sometimes the energy behind those prayers was anxiety and fear.

After our daughter was born we were completely overwhelmed by her demanding nature. How could anyone be so opinionated before talking? Our daughter wanted lots of interaction since being alone wasn’t fun for her.

Twenty-three months later when we discovered I was pregnant again, my prayer approach was completely different. Very much humbled I chose a different approach that sounded like this, “Lord, may this one sleep well and may ‘they’ be good friends. If it is a boy it would be great if he and Tony could be buddies.” That was about it.

As possible, I snatched small breaks alone to intentionally relax and speak “peace” over the child I was carrying. My prayers were peace-filled and relaxed.

Even during the three-hour labor our son was not demanding. The personality differences between him and his sister are like sugar and salt.

Over the years I was concerned and prayed lots of anxious prayers around different issues concerning my children, Jasmine, 19, and Taylor, 17. God was extremely patient with me. I know He was listening because on several occasions He interjected with comments. I slowly grew in awareness of what He wanted from me, conversation that affirmed His ability to keep His promises. This huge paradigm shift completely revolutionized my dialogue with God, particularly how I prayed for our business and our children.

              Kathy and Jasmine

Humbled again, I stopped telling God what to do, as if I knew better than he did. I learned to relax and affirm God, thanking Him in advance for His incredible solutions. My prayers began to sound faith-full instead of fearful.
With jaw-dropping fruit-bearing results, God took over and put Jasmine in situations that deeply plowed her heart. I have been astonished by the amazing transformation I’ve witnessed in her life.

Last week, many miles and many memories later, I observed a heart-melting goodbye – shared hugs, promises and a couple of brief kisses. Tony and I were moving Jasmine to her dorm in San Jose, California, four hours south.

Sweet answers to prayer are worth savoring and I draw hope from long-term prayers with delayed answers. As we continue to fight for our son’s heart we are applying what we have learned and cooperating with God who is active and alive waiting for the dialogue. We choose faith. We choose to believe God is who He says and that He knows what He is doing. We are fixing our eyes not on what we see but on what is unseen, that which is everlasting (II Corinthians 4:18).

January 5, 2011

This week is my New Year’s update. Honestly, there is still quite a bit of pain and loss that my family and I are experiencing right now, but getting through the holidays was a major step in the healing direction. For this update, I want to focus on what I am thankful for and a few of the mercies that God has shown through this loss.

Gratitude – I am most thankful right now for my family. The loss of Makiah has brought out a beautiful connection among us and brought to the front the love that we maintain for one another. I am also thankful that I had the liberty and flexibility in my work to spend time with them this fall. Finally, I am grateful for the connection between my wife’s parents and my family. They hosted my family (all 7 of us) during the holidays to provide a safe, warm environment to help my sister and brother-in-law make it through their first Christmas without Makiah. They gave their Christmas to a downcast, weeping family. Their kindness is a debt that I feel I could never repay, truly an image of Christ’s love. In all of these, I deeply desired connection, intimacy and fellowship as well as to protect my family from any further damage and provide a place for them to mourn, rest and be together.

Mercy- Rachel has continued to carry the twins into the New Year, and the advent of their lives is a mercy that has carried all of our hearts toward hope during this season. I now see that the time we had with Makiah was a gift, undeserved. It was a mercy to have her for those four years. The love and image of God which we saw in her are precious treasures that we would never have known without her.

A final mercy that I will never forget is the gospel that Makiah communicated to Rachel the day she died. Here is the short story from Rachel’s blog:

The morning she was killed, Makiah came tottering into my room with wild hair and silly faces. Sweet Makiah, Mommy brushed your blond curls and pulled back the front with a sparkly, yellow clip. We put on your pink princess shirt and khaki shorts with sparkly flip flops. I washed your face and carefully put sunscreen on your soft cheeks so you wouldn't burn by the sunny window in the back of the car. After we ate breakfast, you crawled up next to me on the couch to watch cartoons. Then you rolled over towards me and started rubbing my face. I pulled away a bit because I had just put my makeup on, but you said quite insistently, "Mommy, I want to touch your face!" I was a little surprised at your tone and said ok. You rubbed my cheeks and chin and nose and forehead- almost feeling them like a blind person would. Then you put your little right hand up against my left palm. Your tiny fingers didn't quite reach my first knuckle. I thought what beautiful little hands you have; they looked so pretty with your tan. You pretended to make them grow against my hand. We laughed, and I said it would take longer then that!

Then out of nowhere, with your palm against mine, you said, "Mommy, you are perfect." I was caught off guard and replied, "No baby, Mommy is not perfect. Sometimes I make bad choices and sometimes I make mistakes, but I try." Then you said. "When you try, it's perfect."

Rachel was supposed to keep her safe, but ultimately, all she could do was try. God took that grace-inspired effort and perfected it in resurrection…a salvation that we cannot see except by faith.

My Choice – To cherish each day sacredly, to focus on loving well and to live without regrets.

We have been very blessed this week.                                                

The movers packed the house by Tuesday evening and the storage unit Wednesday morning. As they closed the door on the van there was a certain finality to it. A lump came to my throat. The movers finished before the rain started. We are grateful.

We’ve been next door with our friends the Ellises since Tuesday night. We raised our children together and their presence in the midst of their beautiful, comfortable home has been a comfort and encouragement to us.

It is now late Thursday morning and I’m sitting in our breakfast area in a canvas chair we held out from the moving truck looking out at our beautiful back yard. When I came over it was raining. As I settled into my chair, began to pray, and reflect in the scripture I matched the gentle, soft rain with tears.

In the last year I’ve been studying the writings of John: the Gospel, the letters, and Revelation. It has been slow going but rich and deeply meaningful. The last few weeks I’ve just parked in the final two chapters describing the bride, the eternal city. As I considered the panoramic story of John’s writings I was struck that he begins the Gospel with the Word becoming flesh. The light shone forth and the darkness could not overcome it. We beheld his glory, full of grace and truth. He ends the story with darkness banished, light shining forth from God himself, his very glory. This back yard, in all of its beauty, often reminds me of the Garden of Eden. When I see the sun streaming through the trees, hear the birds sing, and behold the glory of nature, I am reminded of what was and what is to be. In the eternal city it all comes together in the fullness of his glory. He is preparing us for that eternal intimate experience of who he is in all his beauty and light. I taste that beautiful intimacy and I am satisfied and energized.

Eventually Mary and I walk through the house and yard. It is an ever deepening experience to see how much this all means to her. She shares what she would do each day as she experienced this home and garden, how she would look forward to the ebb and flow of the life of trees and flowers, and what that spoke to her in the depths of her soul. She remembers what we did and how we did it and how it all came together, particularly in the last five years. I gain new insights into the beauty and complexity of her soul. I am in awe. As Mary and I stood in the back yard savoring the moment for the last time we held each other and committed to richly enjoy each other in the years to come.

As I think of all these years, I am overwhelmed with God’s goodness to us. Tears stream down my cheeks again. We have made many mistakes, wandered in many directions, yet through it all he has provided for us in marvelous ways. Yesterday morning I asked him what his word was for me that day. His response, “I have always provided for you, even in the midst of your mistakes, and I always will. Trust me, trust me, trust me my wonders to behold.”

In many ways the final decision for me on our Peachtree Corners home was difficult and fraught with uncertainty. In these last few days we have been able to spend time here, remembering, working, savoring, sharing deeply with each other, spending time with friends and meeting the new stewards of this place. As we have my peace, confidence and expectancy about our new home and God’s purposes for us is growing. God is building a solid foundation for an effective transition into a very different, but appropriate life in Atlanta. I am excited to see what God will do in our home, relationships and life as we move into the fullness of his purposes.

After lunch Mary and I meet to walk through the house one last time. We then lay our keys on the counter and walk out. As I went to Ann’s to rest and then work, I was struck by the reality that I could not return to this house. We no longer owned it and I no longer had a key to it. Thirty two years is over. It is good. It is time to move on.

-Larry Bolden

Yesterday at 10:00 AM we closed on our house. Wesley and Kathryn, the young couple who bought it, came over afterwards so we could show them about the house and yard. They are about the same age we were when we bought it 32 years ago. They are a precious couple and very excited. Wesley grew up working in his yard with his dad and is looking forward to what he can do with the yard. It was amazing to hear how so much of what we have delighted in through the years in the house and yard, they delight in. This brings comfort to Mary. At the end of our visit we had a time of prayer and blessing for them. It was a gift from God. He is faithful.

This morning we reflected on the beauty of this house and all that we have invested through the years. Now we hand that over to someone we have just met. An apt picture of much of our lives. We spend our lives building and investing and then one day it is all over. All that we have and are is passed on to others; family, friends, and people we may not even know.

I am motivated to enjoy the moment and invest well for eternity.

I came outside to have my devotional. The winds are blowing as a hurricane comes nearer. The rays of sun grow ever brighter through the tall trees that we’ve watched grow for 32 years. The fountain gurgles. The annuals around it are dying. Life changes. Thankfulness floods my soul as I enjoy this sanctuary. I feel regret that it took me so long to cooperate with God and Mary to make it happen. My mind goes to the dwarf maples in our new, smaller backyard and the gem magnolias designed to grow tall but not wide. Such a contrast.

In a moment of time, life stands still and we remember. Thirty two years and then it is over. We savor the memories, give thanks, and prepare to move on into the next chapter of life.

I reflect once again on Rev 21 and the eternal city. I rejoice in the hope of the glory of God being realized in my life now and in eternity.

I think of others throughout the centuries forced from their homes by catastrophes and brutality. The images from Schindler’s List of people taking furs and precious belongings not knowing they were headed for concentration camps. I think of the Communion of Saints and those who have gone before us. We are indeed fortunate. I am thankful for the privilege of knowing God and seeing his incredible provision for us in this life and the next.

     On October 8, 2010 the King and Arnold family faced the unimaginable – the death of their beautiful four-year-old daughter, granddaughter, niece in an automobile accident. Because of WG’s close connections with the family – Doug Arnold is on the board and John Arnold is on staff – we have had the opportunity to walk with them through this tragedy and see the incredible work God has done and continues to do in their lives, bringing forth beauty from ashes.

     We have asked John if he would be willing to allow us to share some of his journey (Makiah was his niece) with you. We feel like it offers hope and encouragement that others can draw from in the midst of their own challenges. We will post some of the updates he shared with WG staff in a series of blog posts over the coming months. Below is the first installment in the series. It is from shortly after Makiah’s heaven-going.

     In this post, you will see that although John was struggling to write about the event, he was able to utilize the Four Levels of the Heart format to articulate what was happening internally and enable the Body of Christ to understand him and support him more effectively.

Background

     My precious 4 year old niece, Makiah Kaitlyn King, went to be with Jesus during a tragic car accident on Oct 8. The loss has been devastating to my family and me. She was my sister and brother-in-law’s only child and my parents’ only grandchild. My wife and I had an especially close relationship with Makiah and were supposed to be her guardians if her parents had passed away. I can’t bring myself to write about it much, but the following is a brief four-level update.

John and Laura Arnold with Makiah

Thoughts

     I know that there are no satisfactory answers for this sort of tragedy on this side of Heaven, and my thinking about the situation cannot come close to explaining the feelings that have occupied my heart during the last month. I cannot imagine what my sister and brother-in-law are going through or how they will come out whole and healthy on the other side of this tragedy. I am struggling with staying focused and productive during my work, but I need to be effective right now.

Emotions

     Sadness, pain, frustration with my inability to work, disappointment, loss, emptiness, brokenness, some comfort from the Body of Christ, hope that somehow there will be healing

Desires

     I desire to love my family well, grieve with them, care for them and be with them, including a frustrated and disappointing desire to love, be with and care for Makiah. I desire to stay connected with God and trust him throughout this loss. I desire to come through at work and also in the practical family needs.

Choices

     Keep trusting, communicate love and care often and well, listen and be sensitive to my family needs, focus on work when at work

“Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.” - Proverbs 4:23

This verse has been buzzing in my mind over the past decade of my life. I always believed that I had to protect myself from giving my heart away to the wrong person or from doing things that would hurt my heart. It never occurred to me that the heart referred to my deep desires and passions.

This past weekend I attended my first Wellspring Event. Abby and I were the first women to attend a Battle for Men’s Hearts. We went on behalf of the Wellspring staff to experience the men’s Battle event and explore how we can improve the event in the future. Even though we were not official participants, we did sit in on the teachings and took part in personal reflection times throughout the weekend. Though the teachings were designed to speak to the hearts of men, the Holy Spirit did not lose the opportunity to speak directly to my heart.

I realized that while I had been guarding my heart for the past decade, I had actually been protecting it from more than I had meant to even to the extent of causing some heart failure. God created me with feelings and desires for a reason. By tuning into the desires that God has placed within me, I can begin to become more of who I am uniquely created to be as Heather O’Brien.

There are so many other things that God brought to my attention throughout the remainder of the weekend in the sessions that followed. I feel that God is leading me on a journey of discovery. He is beginning to show me more of whom I am created to be as a woman and who I am created to be uniquely as Heather O’Brien. If I can grasp onto those things, I will be able to display a glimpse of God’s glory that no one else has been created to represent to this world. I know I have a purpose, I know I have a part to play, but I also realize that evil has been hunting me in the area of identity and now I am starting to recognize how I can win that war.

I am looking forward to the Battle for Women’s Hearts that I will be attending in October. I believe that God will bring clarity in many areas of my life. I am excited to take part with a group of women all coming together to go after the same thing, intimacy with God.

Mary has now looked at 27 houses to either rent or buy in Atlanta. We are cautious about buying but are open to doing so if we find just the right house in the area we are looking in. Renting gives us more time to consider where we want to locate but that has its challenges as well. We had one home several weeks ago that we thought was ideal but it didn’t work out. Then a dream home floated by but it was significantly over our price range and then, fortunately, it went under contract.

We looked at a home to buy in Peachtree Corners three times from Thursday to Saturday. It represented a shift in location and a significant shift to a much smaller yard with all that involves. In the midst of weddings on Saturday and Sunday we prayed and talked. For various reasons we didn’t have peace to proceed. On Monday morning this triggered significant emotions in Mary as she grappled to know her own heart and the heart of God in the midst of all of this change and uncertainty. Her loving husband didn’t respond well, but I recovered and repented. We then carefully worked down to the pain and belief system that was affecting her in the moment. As she yielded that to Jesus and trusted the heart of her Father with her deepest desires she experienced peace and faith. I am very proud of her perseverance with me and trust of God in the midst of this. We are still praying about what to do which is a challenge since I’m in the midst of meetings in Birmingham and preparing for a Battle for Men’s Hearts this weekend. We are trusting God to work all of this out in his time and way.

Getting to the energy behind the struggle instead of a behavioral response
In several situations this week I’ve seen how we often address a weakness or struggle in us or our relationship with God or others by repenting of the weakness or struggle and/or developing a behavioral plan to address it. However, if we don’t get to the energy driving the weakness or struggle it is unlikely that we will experience lasting change. When we get to the energy we will usually find pain or a belief system that doesn’t reflect the truth of Christ. When we get to those places we can then let the love, grace and truth of Christ touch the pain and change the belief system. This will often take time and appropriate spiritual disciplines that facilitate us experiencing love, grace and truth. As we soak in that love we will experience change bit by bit.

Then I reflect on how Mary and I have been part of God’s provision for the birds. There are bird baths, a fountain, feeders and a variety of plants and trees giving birds the type environment they need in order to thrive. We are a channel of God’s blessing for the birds. As we are that channel we receive great joy as we see them and hear them in this beautiful environment. Likewise, God is providing for us through many channels of blessing. He has given us an environment of beauty, people, places, and opportunities that provide life and sustenance for us. As we enjoy these channels of blessing I pray that those people being the channels will receive great joy as well.

As I contemplate all of this, faith arises within me to trust the Lord for our future. It will be different than the present, but it will be good.

Photo courtesy of Christianphotos.net - free high resolution photos for Christian publications

Two weeks ago we were in Atlanta enjoying our four grandchildren as we cared for them while Jonathan and Laurie got away for a last weekend by themselves before our baby girl comes in mid-September. In the midst of that activity we received an offer on the house and spent Saturday evening and Sunday in a sometimes tumultuous process of deciding what to do. We were greatly helped by the godly counsel of friends. On Sunday, July 14, we entered into a contract to sell with closing on August 27 and being out on the 30th.

For Mary to let go of what she knows to take hold of God’s promises that she cannot yet touch is not easy. However, the voice of God to her in 2008 in Buena Vista, Colorado as she looked out into a magnificently beautiful mountain valley is a constant source of encouragement. “You are trying to hold onto your backyard when I’m trying to give you all of this.” The consistent support and prayers of friends have also been a channel of God’s comfort and courage to let go and trust the Father’s love.

Mary spent much of the week of the 15th looking at houses and helping with the grandchildren. She got excited about one house, but it ended up not working out. At this point we have not yet found anything to rent or buy. So we trust the Lord and wait. We return to Atlanta on Wednesday, August 1 and she’ll be looking at some more houses as we have expanded our search.

We were greatly blessed when dear friends offered us their master suite for September and into October if need be.
Throughout this year God has consistently spoken to us through Deuteronomy 1:26-33. Moses recounts how the children of Israel “lost heart” as they focused on the giants in the land instead of the faithful heart of Yahweh. He reminded them of how God had carried them, fought for them and gone before them “to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go.”

Of course Mary is applying “camping” to current day homes not OT tents. :)

As we look forward, please pray with us that all will go well here. The inspection went fine, but we are still waiting on the appraisal. In this market that can be a challenge so we are trusting the Lord for that.

As I look back I rejoice in the faithfulness of God.

• We got a reasonable price on the house 
• We prayed that whoever bought the house would be a blessing to our long time friends and neighbors who have been a significant part of our lives. That seems to be the case with the young couple who is buying it. 
• The timing is good for us prior to the baby coming and the fullness of my fall schedule We have enjoyed the beauty of our yard and home for another season 
• The waiting has given Mary time to adjust and be ready to move 

I’m often asked if I’m emotional. I very much live in the moment emotionally. As I’ve told Mary I’m sure that when we pull out of the driveway I’ll be in tears as I reflect upon some of the best years of our lives and our family. Even now as I think of that tears fill my eyes. It has been a good chapter. “God has indeed been good to us.” (Pride and Prejudice)

We look with expectancy for what God has in store for this next chapter of our lives.

Please pray with us

• that the appraisal will go well
• that we will have wisdom as we work through the many aspects of packing and moving
• that we will wait upon God for his purposes to be worked out as to where we will live in Atlanta

You have a part to play that is yours and yours alone… Reality 2. For years I’ve been convinced that Daniel’s part in life was to be married to me. After all, that is no easy task. I am a complex ball of emotion, energy and confusion.

It’s been eye-opening to discover the deep desires that have driven me to be what I am today. Daniel has probably benefited more from my involvement with Wellspring than anyone else. Two major revelations that I came to at my first BWH were: 1. I have a deep desire to protect and be protected and 2. When I try to control things to make me feel protected, I may very well be keeping someone from becoming who God created them to be. (This was a painful revelation.)

God has been gracious in revealing these two things and kind as He has given me time to let them sink in and change how I operate. My desire to be protected can become distorted by thinking that Daniel’s primary purpose is to provide that protection. The truth is that my trust should be in the Lord and Daniel is a piece of God’s protection. And just because Daniel may not be present does not mean I am unprotected.

We’re at the brink of a season where Daniel will be gone off and on for work (stateside), training with the Guard (overseas) and a potential deployment. I am becoming increasingly aware that his part is larger than just being my husband. His Guard unit has friends that consistently tell him “he has what it takes” to move into the bigger things. But he has a wife that is risk averse and likes the comfort of our smaller story. Where others call him into strength and courage, I consistently cry out in need… and I’m pretty loud. I think God was strategic in moving Daniel into something that I cannot control, like the Air Force. Despite what I think, they have made it pretty clear that they are not overly concerned with my preferences. I’ve tried to convince them that I have authority, but in the grand scheme of the armed forces, I don’t. So here I am, faced with the choice to believe that God’s protection extends beyond my husband’s presence and choose to support and encourage the man that God has created him to be.

Thinking: I realize that some of these choices seem easy in theory but at times will be painful and require laying down my own desires. I’m grateful for the time I’ve had over the past year and half to process through the desires and distortions. I feel like a frog that has been slowly boiled… I didn’t even realize what I was being prepared for.

Feeling: Overall I am at peace with what’s ahead. I have frustration related to some of the trips because of their timing. I feel sad about being left alone and wonder what that will really be like. I have an awareness that while I’m at peace now, there will be points where that is challenged by my thoughts and feelings.

Desires: I haven’t clarified my desires here…. I have to keep thinking.

Choices: I am moving into a place of choosing to support who God has called him to be, his part in the larger story and be a voice that echoes the Father – he has what it takes. I’m sure that involves me surrendering my desire for safety and having him present. I am trusting that God’s ways are bigger than mine and I can rest in knowing that He loves me and Daniel and whatever may come, He is good.

The teaching times were rich, which was refreshing to both of us. Crabb does not focus on skill development. He believes the key elements are the theological foundation from which you engage and your heart as you engage. Engage is my term not his. This spurred me to consider the need for us to more fully emphasize how the framework of the Four Realities affects the way we engage a person. How does living in those Realities affect me and my conversation with you? How does believing that those Realities are true for you affect the way I engage you?

Crabb is deeply committed to the truth that ultimate reality is relational since God is a relational being. He sees that radical other centeredness/love is at the heart of the Trinity and of being a redeemed/restored human being. He believes that our greatest joy is in giving who we uniquely are to others regardless of the cost. The way he communicated this spurred me on to more fully reflect on and know God in his radical other centeredness, who we are as human beings created in his image, and that my greatest joy is in giving to others regardless of the cost.

Though the teaching was rich, affirming and challenged me to think more deeply and live more fully, I was most affected by Larry himself. His prophetic burden for the radical nature of the gospel was clear and compelling. His humility and transparency encouraged me, particularly as he shared about his struggles as a husband and the challenges he and Rachel have faced together. They had a real breakthrough around their 34th anniversary, 12 years ago. That gave me courage and hope for us as our last five have been the best five as we celebrate 39 years together in August.

Throughout the week I was affirmed in seeing the incredible work God has done in our lives and through this ministry. This came through the teaching and numerous conversations with participants. The relational depth we enjoy in the community of Wellspring and our partner churches is not common. We are privileged and blessed.

Mary and I felt this was a rich experience personally and relationally with each other, with Rich and Karlene Cannon, whom we attended with, and with new friends. All four of us were affirmed in the ministry and gained insights, ideas, and skills that will have significant potential impact on WG in the years to come. Mary, Rich and Karlene received significant personal ministry through the various elements of the School. Seeing that was well worth the trip! So we gained much on many levels. We are deeply grateful for God’s faithfulness in giving us this wonderful opportunity.

The more I reflect on how the Holy Spirit works in my life and the lives of others to “make all things new” I see a definite pattern at work. I didn’t come up with this pattern on my own. But when I heard it in an interview with Henri Nouwen, the words immediately rang true. Nouwen talked about the picture created by communion being a metaphor for the life of Jesus and ultimately the life of all who follow Him.

And since hearing the colors that make up the palette of that picture, I have come to see them at every turn. They are vivid in the lives of many. And the result is a beautiful portrait.

Called – Jesus was called to preach freedom to the captives. At the start of his public ministry, Jesus read from Isaiah and confirmed that the prophet’s words were about Him. He was called by God to appear as a man. Called for a mission of mercy and grace. Jesus was called to bring the kingdom of heaven to earth. His calling was specific, personal and powerful.

Blessed – Right out of the gate, Jesus was marked as being God’s Beloved Son. That blessing carried Him through trials, temptations, heartache and pain. The blessing also gave Jesus vision, purpose, a powerful message and the strength to bring healing and hope to those who were sick.

Broken – Jesus was abandoned, beaten, speared and nailed to a cross. His brokenness has emerged as the very symbol of brokenness for cultures and peoples worldwide. He knew that being broken was an essential step in His mission and calling. Yet, it was painful and degrading.

Given – Indeed, Jesus’ life, death and resurrection was a gift to the whole world. If He had succeeded in living as a great philosophical or political leader, it would not have been enough. His life was a gift, but it was only effective after He was broken.

I’m sure you see the parallelism in Jesus’ life with the practice of the Lord’s Supper. We are called to the table, the elements are blessed, then the bread is broken as a reenactment of Jesus’ last supper with his closest friends and also as a reenactment of Jesus’ broken body and spilt blood on the cross. Then the bread and wine are given to the world. In the same way that Jesus was given as the savior of the world.

We were recently watching the Ron Howard Film, Cinderella Man, and I saw the pattern again. Based upon a true story, the boxer James J. Braddock was called to be a fighter from a young age. Braddock was blessed with success in the 1920’s as a boxer, a husband and father. Seemingly, with the stock market crash of 1929, Braddock’s career and life came crashing down. He was a broken man. And he almost lost everything. He even suffered a broken hand. Through his brokenness, he learned the value of everything and his life was purified so that he could be given to the world. And he gave hope to a nation that was in great need of inspiration.

So, when I look for indications in followers of Jesus that they are being called into God’s larger story, I look for a pattern. It is a powerful sign that seems to be evidence of the Spirit’s work of making all things new.

What about you? How do you see the pattern of calling, blessing, breaking and giving at work in your own life?

I challenged the participants to consider “what would it take for us to so deeply know God that in the face of the uncreation of our lives and world, we would not fear, but so trust him as our ‘refuge and strength,’ that we could let go, relax, and know that he is God and that he will be exalted not just in the earth, but in our very lives that may be in the midst of ‘uncreation’ and under great attack?”

What about you? What would it take for you to experience this level of trust?

Sunday May 20, Mary and I were honored by our church, Dothan Christian Fellowship, in the morning service and then in a reception that evening. In the evening there was an extended time of honoring us with a few roasts, humorous stories, a Bob Carnes skit on the most interesting man in the room, and heart felt affirmation.

My friend since the fifth grade, business partner and fellow elder, Roger Faulk, shared some of the extremities of my temperament aka as brokenness in the roast section. It was hilarious. I also didn’t wince as I’ve grown enough to see how messed up I really was in my early years. He then shared that in our time together in business and in 27 years of being together in church leadership that he always felt that I put his interest before mine. I could say the same thing for him. This touched me deeply because in the midst of my distortions and our ups and downs, he saw and believed my heart. For that I am humbled and grateful.

Numerous people shared of the personal impact we had in their lives, marriages, families, their experience of church life and persevering through the ups and downs of life and relationships.

As I have become more aware of the glory of who I am in creation and redemption, I’ve also grown more aware of the brokenness and distortions of my life. At times in the past ten years I often wondered how God could ever have used me in the midst of my profound brokenness. I now realize that was, without me realizing it, discounting the power of his amazing grace. As I sat with Andrew Sharp, who primarily organized the reception, this week and I slowed down to hear the Lord, tears came to my eyes as I sensed God say “that he did some amazing work through all of our lives and that he touched an amazing number of people through us.”

I then sensed that the wonderful work of WG flows out of the foundation of those years at DCF. Much of who I am and how we minister is an outworking of those years. I often share that Wellspring Group comes out of the four year chapter of brokenness in my life from 2000 through 2004. So this sense of the foundation being built during the previous years of life and ministry at DCF was a different piece of the puzzle. It was like a completion. I accepted the good and the bad of those years. I could ever more clearly see how God has blessed the good and redeemed the bad to his glory and the blessing of his people. I can not only accept that but celebrate it!

Then Andrew arranged for Terry and Dot Mitchell to be on video to send their thanks and their welcome to North Atlanta. So it was a fitting close to one chapter and the opening of another.

Observations

• Simple actions often speak more powerfully than words, particularly over the long term
• If we persevere and never give up in our walk with God and those who are willing to walk with us, God will do wonderful things in restoring us and relationships
• The entire evening was done with excellence, love and a desire to bless and honor us

Feelings

• As many of you know one of my fundamental questions is, “will someone please tell me I’m wonderful?” As I grow more and more in knowing the love that transcends knowledge and the Father’s validation that question increasingly recedes into the background. It was liberating and satisfying that I did not need Sunday night. That freedom enhanced the blessing of it. It also freed me to laugh at myself during the roast.
• Humbled that the church, those who came, and those who wrote notes would take the time and expend the effort to celebrate and honor us.
• Grateful that people didn’t give up on me, but saw through my challenges to my heart and the heart of God that sought to come through me.
• Loved, cared for, heard, seen, valued, and known by who was there, what was shared and how the evening was put together all the way to the decorations and food.
• Satisfaction and gratitude in knowing that our lives have truly counted in the lives of many, many people.
• Joy in seeing the legacy of our lives in Andrew who represents so many young people we poured our lives into through those years.
• A sense of thankfulness, redemption and completion as I gain a clearer, more whole perspective on thirty plus years of life and ministry.
• A sense of deeper appreciation and value for old friendships
• Confirmation of the journey we are on personally and in ministry.
• A sense of closure as we remember and celebrate the past and a sense of expectancy for the future. Now Lord please sell our house!

Choices

• To persevere, never give up and finish my life well realizing that my part is to just let go, relax and respond to his pursuing grace and love
• To build upon this foundation and trust God to do great things in this next chapter of our lives
• Invest in young leaders
• To grow in focusing on the amazing grace of God in my life and the lives of others

On Sunday, we took Jonathan and Laurie and the four children to a condo on the beach. The children had been planning their time for months and were very excited. We went out after an early dinner the first night and the conditions were almost perfect. The sun was behind clouds and receding in the western sky, the water was shallow and the waves were just enough to be exciting. With Elise, who is six, holding one hand and Audrey, who is almost four, holding the other we ventured into the Gulf. As the waves would come toward us I would lift them up and we would ride the crest of the wave. They were thrilled, delighted and at times a bit nervous as we experienced the water and the waves. So we gingerly moved outward, yet not too far to really be in any danger. Eventually each one would be covered over with water and be slightly disconcerted for a moment, but then would realize it was really fun. They were filled with delight at all the various experiences.

It was an amazing, beautiful moment as I held my granddaughter’s hands, walking with them, guiding them, challenging them to go deeper, yet always careful not to let them go too far. I felt deep connection, love, care and the desire for them to feel safe yet challenged. It met my deep desire to connect with them, invest in them, enjoy them, protect them and just be with them.

I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to be fully present to my grandchildren, to enjoy their discovery of life and nature and to enjoy who I am in relation to them. In the midst of all of that I long to grow in knowing my Father as one who takes me by the hand walking into the waves of life, ever challenging me to go deeper yet never letting go of my hand. I choose to believe Zephaniah 3:17 is indeed a reality for me.

The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.