Westmonster

We've adjourned...

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 13:00:00 +0000

The gavel has sounded, which means that Westmonster will be shutting down with immediate effect. We'd like to thank all of our readers, writers, commenters, and contributors for being with us over the last year or so. For the time being, we're keeping Westmonster's archives available for your reading pleasure, so feel free to have a look through.

UK needs the Japanese 'Koban'...

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 14:52:09 +0000

Plans for a new policing 'Green Paper' were unveiled today. Lauded by Gordon Brown for the amount of bureaucracy that they will cut down on, it is expected that the move will result in the boys in blue spending more time patrolling our streets and less time messing around with paperwork. The PM also reiterated the warning that youngsters carrying knives will from now on be prosecuted. So could it be that we're no longer doomed? Perhaps. Brown's plans certainly sound nice, but they could be better: On a recent visit to Japan, Westmonster noticed a curious community policing tool called a 'Koban' - a kind of mini satellite police station away from the main one. Spread throughout the country, three to four officers manage each unit over a 24 hour shift helping to deal with or respond to local crimes as and when they happen. There are just over 6,500 koban throughout Japan, according to 2004 figures, touted by many as being one of the main reasons behind Japan's incredibly low crime rate. So why can't we have the same thing over here? Read more...

Lunchtime Poll: E-mail Database

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 12:16:02 +0000

A massive four people took part in the Westmonster lunchtime poll yesterday - more than the number of votes received by Labour in the last by-election, and quadruple the number of partners enjoyed by sexpot Anne Widdecombe. We rock! If you've forgotten (or just don't care), we asked you whether you thought that sex education in the UK was failing badly. 75% of you said that it wasn't, 25% that it was. Indeed, how can it be failing if so many kids are having s-e-x? Today we're interested in garnering your opinions regarding the ideas floating around Westminster about a national database of every e-mail, telephone call, and text message to be made. Apparently, the suits are having a bit of trouble deciding whether it's a good idea or not. Maybe we can help them...

Database Poll
The government's proposed e-mail database plans are...

An affront to personal liberties...
Not that big a deal...
The way forward...

view results

Poll results will be set in amber in order to provide future generations with a chance of truly understanding us.

10 reasons to jump ship...

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 08:44:37 +0000

Crime rates are expected to soar as the economy deteriorates. The Guardian. Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling have decided that England should borrow its way out of the economic crisis. The Times. Al Gore has challenged Americans to give up fossil fuels within the next ten years. BBC. Plans for mixed-sex jails are being considered in Scotland. Channel 4. Thousands of UK school kids are only drinking six pints a week, according to a new report. The Telegraph.Read more...

Cherie Blair to open literary festival...

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 15:23:30 +0000

Sexy literary genius Cherie Blair is set to take the book publishing world by storm as she prepares to make a special guest appearance at West Yorkshire's Ilkley Literature Festival. The wife of former PM Tony Blair will officially open the event before giving lucky punters an exclusive insight into the cavernous mind that managed to produce her autobiography, Speaking For Myself. Joining the list of around one hundred other authors that are to take part in October's two week festival, Mrs Blair will hopefully provide the literary scene with the excitement and intensity that it has been lacking since the death of Charles Dickens back in 1870.Read more...

Knife crime better than last year...

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:53:20 +0000

Official figures released today suggest that the current panic surrounding the ostensible rise in knife crime has more to do with an increase in news reports than actual incidents involving knives. The British Crime Survey, which acquires figures via interviews with members of the public, claims that, despite the popular perceptions that insist we're all destined for a stabbing on our way to the shops, knife incidents are actually down by 43,000 on the last year. In London, there has been a 16% decrease in 'knife enabled' crimes. Considering the amount of fuss that all three of the major parties have been kicking up about stabbings of recent, the results will perhaps come as a surprise for many of us. Most likely the whole ruckus can be attributed to them either having nothing better to talk about or wanting to distract us from something else - like their expenses, for example. Read more...

Asbestos back on the menu...

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 12:54:02 +0000

Good news or bad news (depending on how you look at it), but it seems that all visitors to the Houses of Parliament are exposing themselves not only to dangerously high levels of hubris and tedium - but also to dangerous levels of asbestos. According to the Guardian, peers and officials working in the 170 year old landmark building are at risk of exposure to a potent form of the dangerous amphibole which is buried within service shafts and piping ducts hidden behind the palace's committee rooms. The study, which was carried out by London-based health and safety experts Goddard Consulting, was produced earlier in the year and suggests that the risks being represented are not being addressed properly. Mysteriously, of all the problems identified, the biggest threat seems to revolve around a kitchen door that is wedged open by a spoon... Read more...

Lunchtime Poll: Sex education

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 12:30:00 +0000

Well, our lunchtime poll had to take a break yesterday - a monumental national event which sent the country into a spiral of confusion. Don't worry, kids: we're back. Last time we wanted to know whether British readers were pinning their hopes on Barack Obama in the upcoming US Presidential Election. The vast majority - 83%, in fact - said that you were. Will today's question be a little more divisive? Let's take a look ... The Tories reckon that sex education in UK schools just isn't effective enough. Your thoughts, please. And if you feel the need to ramble, don't be scared of that comments section.

LUNCHTIME POLL
Is UK sex education failing badly?

Yes
No

view results

Random thoughts regarding popes and consumption...

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 11:14:28 +0000

Pope Benedict XYZ has joined the troupe of pontificating public figures to lash out at consumer culture. Speaking at a formal address before tens of thousands of young Australian Roman Catholics, the Holy One warned that natural resources were being squandered and that people were worshipping false idols in the form of iPods, expensive clothing, and other materialist items that they don't really need. "Our world has grown weary of greed, exploitation and division, of the tedium of false idols and piecemeal responses, and the pain of false promises," he told the crowd. Last week ginger fashion designer Vivienne Westwood went along similar lines by telling consumers that they need to stop buying so much crap. So does the current trend for materialist backlash suggest that our days beneath a duracell sunshine are about to reach their sordid conclusion? Read more...

10 reasons to take a long walk off a short pier...

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 08:42:47 +0000

The U.S. looks like it has plans to establish a diplomatic presence in Iran sometime within the next month. BBC. Official figures suggest that incidents of knife crime in the UK over the last year have topped 22,000. The Telegraph. Whitehall has announced that it is to be the first government office to spend a shit load of money on carbon neutral PCs. The Guardian. Hundred of thousands of council workers are still striking because they don't feel important enough. ePolitix. Nike has had to remove its Air Stab line of trainers from the UK market after the increase in knife crime. The Times. Read more...

The Good, The Bad and The Mad: July 17

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 03:00:00 +0000

Three stories - one pleasing, one displeasing, and one just plain batshit. GOOD Gordon Brown wants to help inject some order and stability into the lawless Niger Delta region. The oil-rich lawless Niger Delta region. BAD Max Hastings writes possibly the most depressing column we've ever, ever read. MAD The latest victim of global recession: Willy Wonka.

New plans may make dying easier...

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 15:16:50 +0000

The government has today unveiled new plans that will give the dying amongst us more choices about how we go. From now on, if the £286m three-year project proves to be successful, dying Britons will be able to cash their chips in 'familiar surroundings' (such as down their local Tesco or branch of Currys) instead of having to fade away in the faceless confines of some insentient hospital room. Health secretary Alan Johnson and his care service minister friend Ivan Lewis will today announce the details of the project, designed to support those who wish to die at home and their carers. The ten year strategy will also provide improved training for staff and community nurses with an end result of 24 hour round-the-clock pain management care for the nearly departed in their homes. Read more...

To stab or not to stab*...

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 14:48:10 +0000

Posh Boris Johnson has confused thousands throughout the nation by blaming William Shakespeare for the recent wave of knife crime that has swept the nation. According to today's papers, the rotund London mayor expressed in his famously eloquent tones that knife crime should be seen as 'moronic' - not with the glamorous image that it currently has thanks to Shakespeare characters such as Mercutio from Romeo and Juliet. Bojo's reference to Shakespeare was part of a passionate demonstration in which he pointed out that the language used by the fellow gang members of stab victims on social networking sites (referring to each other as 'fallen soldiers', etc) is an unnecessary glamourisation of their gang culture. The mayor urged fellow thinkers to study the famous words of the Shakespeare opus, pointing out that the play can teach us all about "the bogus atmosphere of glamour that can surround these gangs and the sort of romantic, sentimental feelings that can start to occur with knife crime and gang culture generally.". Read more...

10 reasons to party like it's 1999...

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 08:44:14 +0000

David Cameron has called for U.S. style bankruptcy rules in a bid to protect the economy. The Times. US car firm General Motors has revealed that it is to cut jobs due to decreased sales. BBC. It looks like knife crime may not be just an English avocation but one that is enjoyed on an international level. BBC. A Lib Dem MP has stated that services to help patients with dementia are in the 'dark ages'. ePolitix. Plans for a multi-millilon pound computer-based security network have been scrapped at unknown cost to Whitehall. The Guardian.Read more...

Cowardly Tony scared of death threats...

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 15:09:40 +0000

Second Coming Middle East envoy Tony Blair has decided to cancel his peace spreading visit to Gaza after 'specific threats' were made against him. The planned trip would have been the highest-level diplomatic mission to the territory since the Hamas seized control of it about a year ago, though the ex-PM had not been expected to meet with representatives from the group. The news will come as a shock for many Blairites, particularly those who have bought into the idea that the Mr Blair is imbued with the powers of God himself. Indeed, if a man like Tony can't take a death threat or two on the chin then what chance do the rest of us have? Read more...

Whitey not on the moon...

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 14:05:31 +0000

Back in 1969 a seminal hip hop group called The Last Poets released Whitey On The Moon. It was a reactionary piece that expressed the divisive nature of a society in which the American black man was still worrying about paying the rent, putting food on the table, or generally surviving the perils of daily existence - all whilst the lucky crackers at NASA were prancing about on the moon and talking about giant leaps for mankind. Fast forward to 2008, though, and it seems that things may have changed a little bit - according to the scientists at NASA, at least. In an interview over at the BBC a NASA administrator by the name of Michael Griffith has put it forward that the next time man gets to place his flag on the the lunar surface it will have not fifty stars on it, but a mere five. In these ever changing times, it seems that The Last Poets would have to scribble out the 'whitey' from their lyric books and replace the word with a derogatory reference to the increasingly-affluent Chinese. Read more...