What Jen's Thinking...

So Here I Sit...

2011-10-23T20:57:00.000-04:00

So here I sit,
On the other side of some understanding,
A young lady still.
Wisdom only coating 3 or 4 hairs,
With just a little...
A little bit of knowing, anchoring me, and propelling me forward.
Because I can live more fully on the other side of asking God big questions and resting in His answers.

Yet, here I sit,
With the not so faint echo in my mind of my step-dad's question...
"How do you know God is real and why would a good God allow pain?"
I know the superficial answers.
They are neat and tidy and fit into a paragraph.
But when the sun sets and the ZZZZZ's don't come very quickly...
The restless soul tosses the superficial answers out the window, in place of the sheep.
The spiritual heart aches dead beneath the chest,
And the angst of answers that delay and seem to not come only frustrate the seeker.
The seeker who lies awake at night.

Here I sit, pained by the thought of how I failed my step-dad with my answer.
My superficial answer.
The one I gave before I knew.
Before I was forced to ask God my own question of "why?"
Before my heart begged why, and my mind wouldn't rest, and my foot tapped, and I needed my answer to move on.
God gave me His quick answers, and my foot came to a rest.
My heart ached, although content.
I rested in His reply and understanding.
Though my struggle of understanding came so painstakingly and passed so abruptly; He'd only just begun.

For my healing process required God's purpose
Because nights do seem so long, so dark and minds do fill in the space so quickly.
And now I sit here.
Where it's not so dark.
On the other side, where the deeper answer cuts through the superficial and sheds even more of me away.
He allowed so much because He knew who I'd be if He did intervene in a different way.
I dare not contemplate who I'd be or where I'd be if...
If God had allowed a different course for me.
A different plan.
Maybe one where I didn't need Him so much
Or maybe one where I wouldn't get to see Him so real
Or maybe... my stomach is growing nauseous with the very thought.
Because God has blessed me.
For I know He's real.
I've seen Him move.
I've felt His embrace.
I've been changed by His truth.
And yet, my step-father knows me, and still has to ask if God is real.
Maybe somethings can only be answered by God.
Where people could never give an answer deep enough, or rich enough to awaken the heart or settle the soul.
Well, I pray this very day that God answers the questions of your seeking heart, speaks deeply to your soul, rescues you from your restlessness, and embraces you as His own.

And so here I sit, not needing the shoes that I and so many have worn, on the other side of accepting that God's ways are not our ways and His plans are perfect.
Otherwise I might not be here at all,
Because He allowed exactly what I needed so that I could sit here.
Healed and trusting... on the other side of more understanding.

Fears bad dream...

2011-10-16T20:48:00.000-04:00

A bad dream just woke me up.
I question what motivated it.
I question the fear behind it.
My brain is still foggy.

Have you ever felt fear?

I review the dreams events in my mind.
Thankfully it was never real; although, it felt real.
Too upset by it, I can't fall peacefully back to sleep.
It's odd for me to have a bad dream.
I still quake.
My mind rattles.
My imagination still mulling it over...
Forcing myself, I get up, though it's still dark.
I fumble around to grab the "God's Promises for Your Every Need," book.
Soon it will be light outside but I flick on the light, opening the book up to the section on Experiencing Fear.
I read... scripture after scripture.
I don't feel a change. Probably because I'm still struggling to focus.
My mind still wrestles with reality.

I read...

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed; for I am your God. I will strengthen you; yes, I will help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isiah 41:10

I pray...
"Thank You, God, that I don't have to fear. I love that You are with me! That's why I don't need to be dismayed by this dream or the fear it insighted or anything. Thank You that You ARE God, that You strengthen me and will always help me. Thank You for not just the thought but that You actually will uphold me with the right hand of Your righteousness. That's a powerful right hand!"

The sun just rose. Its powerful and warm rays now pour in the window and over my right shoulder.

This remind me of Him.
I turn off my artificial light's switch.
I refuse to do it alone; I need Him. I need His truth to sink in deeply.
For as I restated, and prayed His words, my chest began to relax.
My mind eased; my soul warmed.
My tension fled with fear at the power of His word.
I've abided in His peace long enough to know being fearful is not what true living is like.
Yet, I've felt fear's evil grip before.
It has insighted trembling, panic and blocked rational thought.
Fear can even whip up imaginations to wreak further havoc.
But not today!
My God is powerful and has overcome, so that I might be an overcomer through His word.

I love how His written word is made up of letters on a page;
Except His letters which create meaning go forth with purpose and stride, that inhabit power and encompasses strength, like an unstoppable army marching forward.
An army that runs off the fear and tramples over the imagination; Yet, it lifts me up, brushes me off and empowers me.

I've never seen anything as alive.
I've never felt anything as real.
I've never been more quickly moved, as by it.
In fact, the very nature of His word, leaves me impacted, changed and feeling more alive than anything else.

I restful now, pondering a God that could make words alive and who could rescue me from fears clutches that threatened me this morning.
I soak up the Son's rays, His warmth, and His richness with a thankful heart because he is a powerful God.
I love knowing that He battles for me and covers me, so my day may start...
In the warmth of His peace!

Embraced by Brotherly Love...

2011-10-14T21:43:00.001-04:00

~My family and I visited the church that we used to attend in my hometown. I just love this church body and was so pleased to receive such a warm and loving reception when we came in from out-of-town. Here is a glimpse of what I experienced that day...

You spoke on Hebrews 13 today;
All on brotherly love.
It's not something I've seen in real life very often; only a time or two.
Today you spoke it, from the heart, when you embraced my head of home.
It was a hug that seemed to span the space between us.
It seemed to reach through him to me and the little ones too.
You two embraced in a way I'd never seen before.
Two grown, educated, real men almost attacked each other and held on, for so long...
My eyes teared up.
My heart began to believe again.
Believe in Christians who give, and love, and live.
Live what they preach; live who He is.
Time seemed to stand still and speak... Hebrews 13:1 visually displayed before me.
Two brothers, with Christ as the blood tie, changing my perspective.
Teaching me the definition of what it truly looks like to...

Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Hebrews 13:1

This moment, that warmed my heart and filled my eyes, is now seared in my mind forever.

I forgot to tell you...
I feel the same way about you, pastor. So does he and the little ones.
The whole church there,
We love them with a love only the King can give.
One that cuts deeper, one that lives on... despite the distance between us each Sunday, Wednesday, or all those other moments I miss in between. Except today, we get to unite. We get to fellowship. We get to worship together.

Today, you taught on brotherly love, but most of your sermon was after you dismissed us,
To your embrace...
Which held us.
You preached a sermon that attacked my heart and held on until my heart was seared...
With brotherly love.

Oh, You knew...

2011-09-23T22:03:00.000-04:00

~ Upon traveling back to my hometown, I pondered how hard it was to leave everything I knew and move to where the Lord was taking me. From the dark rich soil of the northwest, to the red soil of the south, I found His reasons where more purposeful then my mind could concieve. The distance allowed me to face my brokeness and healing that never could have happened without a physical move towards His magnificent will.

I know why You did it!
I didn't know then...
I was forced to trust You but now I know.
What is it about the miles?

The very distance that can cause one to feel security from the difficult, the painful... the ugly.
Sometimes the distance just isn't far enough for one to find that security.

Oh, I get it now... or at least I understand a glimmer of Your purposes.
It is so true, that it's hard to understand what You are doing, when it contradicts what I think is ok.
And so I step back in the quiet of the night upon the same dirt I used to dwell

And think about the process of how You choose to explode me to where You wanted me next.

The earth changed colors.

The miles stretched on until the red now stains my feet, my littles clothes, my heart.

And I dwell there.
Where You want me now.
Because You knew the miles would be far enough.
They'd stretch long enough to take me safely to those brown dirt stains, that seared my memories, that broke my heart and emptied me.
So now the red stained earth could stain me, where I couldn't go, without the miles.
Oh, You knew.
I blindly trusted You and You moved me past those mountains, stained me red and rescued me...
That I may dwell here...
Like this with You

Past the miles
Past the pain.

Oh, You knew...

Our Camping Trip…

2011-08-23T23:43:00.001-04:00

I see You in the beautiful, the precious, the peaceful.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father. James 1:17

A man pounding the stake back in during the fierce storm, without even being asked.

The children laughing, running about the field, catching the penny toads, then fireflies, always kindling.

The ducks begging quack as they follow the little ones around.

The way the camp fire’s flames lick blue, the embers smolder red hot, the smoke rises its thoughts to heaven.

I’m sure thoughts of thanksgiving, for our sacrifice, our warmth, our enjoyment.

The talking, the offering up of our friendship to each other over hot dogs, hot fires and smores.

Another neighbor man untangling, restringing the fishing pole, retying the bate, the bobber for the glad young boy.

The young one asked, “Where is God?”

The middle one said that she did something for someone else, but said how it was unimportant.

The older wise one said, “If you do it to the least of these you’re doing it to Jesus.”

The middle one smiled. The other heads bobbed. My minds eye trying to take it all in.

And the smoke rises offerings of bread to ducks, the painful putting back of the penny toads to their original home, the cuddling of the littlest one shivering at night by the big sister.

Offerings of sacrifice, of love, of gratitude.

Over all You’ve made so beautiful.

Over the crickets symphonies of white noise, so lovely, singing me to sleep.

The precious faces sun kissed and peaceful as they sleep side-by-side in the tent.

My hearts warmth rises to Your footstool, like the smoke, my offering not visible, except by You.
Our Creator of every good and precious gift

You, who’s very creation reveals You, reflects You and unveils You.

Your beauty so obvious, Your love so warm, Your peaceful and precious wrapped in what an eye can behold and the hand can touch.

So they waddle away, hop away and we pack up

And the fire dies away leaving the embers that smolder and the smoke…

The smoke that speaks

In Your Wake...

2011-08-09T21:20:00.000-04:00

Vacuuming behind the couch is a big job but I can’t put it off any longer.

My littlest girl decides to help me.

She rides on the couch as I push it aside.

I find that bulletin with the missionary opportunities in it. I set it aside.

She finds a toy but can’t squeeze behind the couch to put it away. The path to get there was just too narrow.

We find a piece of garbage, and she, not able to fit through the now limited normal route to the garbage can, realizes she needs to go the other way around.

She says, “It’s the bigger path.”

I vacuum around every nook and cranny.

Then I pushed the couches back in place and she could now put away the little toy.

She’s easy to work with. I love that!

I remember how the business men were talking about how Christians were the worst to work with.

I guess they are the most difficult, mean and fickle.

In the Believer’s wake is the back stabbed businessman who poured hours and care into what the Believer wanted.

Would I be like that Believer?

I think about my past experiences…

Even if I can’t think of a time when I acted thoughtlessly, I’m sure my departure wake has hurt some.

I grieve over the thought of how the business world has been affected by Christ followers.

I grieve over the time that now comes to mind when I was that awful believer.

I try to justify the “bigger path” that I took that day.

I repent.

I re-pick up the bulletin that burns in my hand and sears my heart.

How can we think about being missionaries to other countries when we can’t be “real” within our own neighborhoods, in our own towns, to our own people?

I crumble up the bulletin and stick it in my pocket.

I vacuum the middle of the floor.

It does seem to be easier to neglect what’s behind where we sit each day,

Where we sit to meet for business,

Where we see only what’s right in front of us.

It’s easy to not want to do what’s hard.

Some call it being “on”… but shouldn’t our person be refined enough to let some of our guard down without being embarrassed…

Of the dusty, the dead bug, the garbage and the gracelessness.

What once was a common curtsy is now a mask, a toy to be donned when necessary.

And put in the toy box for later when not.

Who are we really?

Who am I really?

I think about the narrow path.

“Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. Matthew 7:13-14

I think about how I helped my littlest one, by moving the couch back into place, so she could put away her toy.

I think about the businessman…

And the wake I left, that was probably hard to swallow.

I think about how we all really need each other.

To look over our fence in kindness,

To move the couches, the business deals, the things that seem impossible for other ones… alone.

To walk hand in hand

Or side by side

Or in your wake…

Of love, of kindness, of thoughtfulness along the narrow path

The path that was built, brick by brick, by the One who could sum up all of our purpose, all of the law, and all of the prophets words with…

Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:7

It’s good to vacuum behind the couches, with another.

It’s good to walk this narrow path with you and him, and her, and their people too.

But it’s too narrow, too tight of a space to leave a wake of mean and hurt.

I look up that businessman’s number.

I think about next time…

I vacuum behind the couches

I call a business person

I look around the cobwebs in my heart and decide to leave it better than the way I found it.

Because on this narrow path, there just isn’t any room for anything…

But kindness, thoughtfulness and love.

Grieving with Hope…

2011-08-05T01:23:00.000-04:00

I sit in my favorite chair. Watching outside as the rain falls, beating on the window, blurring my vision.

I remember where I sat on their couch when they told the news of your death.

I was frozen in time. My mind trying to digest the news, the moment.

Everyone around me still moved; I couldn’t.

Everything running through my head and nothing, all at the same time.

I tried to comprehend; I couldn’t.

I began to ask questions. The why, what, when, where and how kinds of questions.

Still trying to wrap my mind around the incomprehensible.

How can everyone around me keep living, keep moving?

Why does God allow death to happen?

What could I have done to change the result?

When was her death date really supposed to be? When is mine?

Where did everything spin out of control and lead to her death?

These are the real questions that plagued me.

The questions that resurfaced, and I suppressed again and again, because it hurt too much to actually think through.

It hurt my heart and made my headache from all the crying.

Nothing seemed to comfort; nothing could get close enough because the questions bared the door to healing.

A dear friend asked me how I was.

I was still reeling. Out came words from my incoherent thinking that spoke of my shock.

I digested the truth, the concrete answers of what happened.

My brain was still trying to accept the truth.

I couldn’t even cry at first. It took so long to sink in.

The rain is pelting the window, harder then before.

Yet, there’s a stillness, a peace.

How in the midst of turmoil can there be peace?

I almost want to reject it for the grief in my heart weighs heavily, but I need it. It sustains me.

I cry for all she won’t become.

I cry for who she was to me.

I cry for me without her.

I grieve.

I wrestle back and forth as anger, pain and hurt rages.

I feel like I’m in a battle but its all me and who can I be against?

Maybe it’s me against God.

So the age old “why” questions cloud my mind.

They beg answers that don’t seem to come.

Or maybe all that rages so greatly inside blocks the reasonable or what I can’t seem to accept.

Because it’s not ok.

And she’s gone.

Part of me is gone.

Yet, so much stays inside of me.

The part in my mind that remembers.

The part in my heart that loves.

Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again, from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up. You will... comfort me once again. Psalms 71:20-21

So I allow His will.

There is no other choice. I surrender my war that rages. I wave my white flag.

I accept that You hate death but allowed someone precious to my heart to pass away until the end. When You call us.

The rain stops beating as hard on the window. More of Your peace flows over me.

I peel back the curtains. My vision clears some too.

All the years with her. I saw Him in her so many times. She challenged me so many times to be better. Why does the best have to pass so quickly, so young, sometimes.

The ache, the rawness, the trembling.

Is there hope? I start to sink.

I look up. I look to You because I’m desperate.

The sun cuts through; the clouds start to move away. Your hope sets in, sinking to the very depth of me. I need You. No one else can reach where it aches. No one else can see the pain and catch my tears that are now drying up or running out.

I stand before the Son, warming my face, drying my tears. Watching the rain drops roll down the window pain and ebbing away. Washing away everything but the remembering, the missing. The knowing that she’s gone; hopefully with Him.

How does the sunset and rise and people move about on a day like this? How can it rise tomorrow, held down by the weight, the loss? Can’t it be broken and let the sorrow wallow for a long night?

I remember her smile, her life, her tenacity. I can barely see outside of my heart, my sorrow.

I look up to make sure You’re still there, that You still care and You streak down the sky a rainbow that seems to stretch to me.

You lift my soul as I follow the colorful path that recounts Your faithfulness through the storm and hope of the Son shining forth toward tomorrow.

Light ricocheting and refracting, bent for my pleasure, my hope, and my promise.

I hear Him whisper a promise that spans grief’s distance and a hope that acts as a salve.

It still hurts but there’s hope.

I thank God for equipping our minds with memories and our hearts with depth...

To hold the love.

And I thank Him for the path that leads past rainbow promises to eternal hope in Him.

Without it, we’d all just die.

Yet, she didn’t just go. She left after giving, after living, after loving.

And so I understand why the sun must rise and I must move.

It’s what He wants. The living and laughing and loving and giving.

Even in finding Him in the sorrow and grief and in the pain of loss.

And knowing there is purpose and promise within it all.

Praise be to... God... the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubled, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 1 Corinthians 1: 3-5

Tradition that Grew into a Stone…

2011-07-31T23:07:00.000-04:00

I just love the stories behind unspoken actions, traditions…

The ones where we live what others began and carry on what others will adopt.

I peel the potatoes.

She, my big helper, pulled the pot out of the cupboard.

She rinsed it with water.

I smiled.

She filled it with water.

I put it next to the cutting board.

She asked which knife to use.

I pulled one out of the block on the counter.

She asked how big to cut the cubes; after I showed her, she tried to be careful.

I remember asking my Mom the same questions.

I remember not knowing ‘which way was up,’ and knowing that my mom would just know, I awaited instruction to move.

And this little one now comes up to my chest.

She doesn’t just give a little to our family, she breaks even.

Before too long, she might be able to give more then she takes.

But I won’t rush it along.

Just seeing her rinse the pot…

Like my Grandmother did,

Like my Mom did,

And Me…

A hundred times before, rinsing the pot or wiping the dish out before using it.

How do these almost sacred traditions begin?

I once asked my Mom. She said that the Israelites did it.

This left me bewildered, for we are neither of Israelite heritage (that I know of) nor Israelite scholars (except for reading the Old Testament).

Yet, I assumed as my imagination ran wild, that it all probably started in the desert where they wandered for 40 years.

Nobody wants sand in their pot or its crunch in their food.

So they rinsed or wiped to begin…

Without words, without question.

So their children did the same

Like my Grandma, my Mom, my daughter and I.

We walk in the path established by those long before us.

Do not move an ancient boundary stone set up by your ancestors. Proverbs 22:28

We chose not to break tradition. Maintaining those sacred boundary stones, that establish where we’ve always been, and what’s safe is important to do and pass on.

Yet, how many times have we overstepped those boundaries and felt the crunch, like gravel in our mouth, from moving the stone or not rinsing the pot, and taking more then we give, like one who doesn’t know which way is up.

So we make mashed potatoes like many before us.

And this is where my imagination took me, as I peeled the stack of potatoes and felt the sense of pride

Knowing that however the tradition began, that to me, it grew into a stone.

A stone with only a few faces that I’ve seen in my lifetime engraved upon it.

And anticipating those to come...

Those who find safety in the placement of the sacred

And rinse their pot before using it.

Laundry Piles of Pride…

2011-07-28T23:04:00.000-04:00

“Please pray with me!” The call comes from a dear friend early this morning.

“Hold on,” she says, “I’ll call you back in a minute.” Click.

I go to sort my laundry while I wait, even though I should be showering.

Wow, it gets so out of control…

Squeezing around the door between the washer and the piled laundry pushing the door so it barely opens

I start thinking about praying with my friend.

I looked at the laundry piled high.

I begin to mumble a prayer for her while I wait and realize there is pride baring my prayer like my laundry bared the door.

I realize God caused this delay.

Hindered, my prayer, piles up on the floor amongst the rest of my over due dirty mess.

I’d love to offer excuses but I simply have a hard time wanting to use a washer that starts spraying water out after it spins and a dryer that takes an hour and a half to dry a load.

So it piles up, like my pride, the whole huge dirty mess of it.

It’s so cluttered I barely know where to start.

So I decide praying for my friend is an easy excuse.

It’s easier to excuse our messes, our pride, then to begin the sorting process…

The actual picking up and looking at each dirty piece,

And being so discouraged over the mess that we really are in

But I start.

I pick up a handful of darks; this towel bleeds all over everything.
I pick up the area of my heart that grew stained with pride from the thought of a person coming to me for prayer.

Like I’m something…ha ha
“God I’m nothing… especially if I compare myself to You. My prayer, also, is no good if it’s blocked by pride and I need you to hear this prayer for my friend.”

I sort the whites into the first basket.
I know my heart needs bleaching.

How dirty I get so quickly.

How long I leave the stains.

“Forgive me for being more focused on what You do for me then on You.”

I pick up the lights. Those socks that seem to fall everywhere…

My heart feels saddened. “Forgive me for falling into the trap of thinking too much of myself.”

I pick up the bathroom rug, the blanket, the pillow and set them aside.

I again see myself for who I am, in comparison to Him, and set myself aside.

He forgives my sin.

I start my first load.

I hear the phone ringing.

I smile over my straightened room. His job also accomplished.

No more distractions. I humbly go.

“Hello. Yes, I’m ready to pray!”

The Lord is far from the wicked, but He hears the prayer of the righteous. Proverbs 15:29

No Matter What!

2011-07-24T22:37:00.000-04:00

Whew, I just tucked in my two littlest ones.

They were so precious. The older of the two asked me if I would love my kids no matter what.

I responded with the obvious answer, “Yes, I would! No matter what!”

She asked, “Even if they didn’t clean their room?”

“Well, I wouldn’t like that but I would always love them, no matter what!”

I gave them extra kisses and spent extra time tucking them in, just in case there was any doubt.

So how young is it that we learn what pleases the ones in our lives?

How young is it that we understand how our identity is formed by others.

Formed by the very way they view us.

So we crave their love, their care towards us and their positive opinion of us…

No matter what!

Oh and those moments, when we were still young and tender, when we were deeply wounded by a parent, a mean kid at school or someone else close to us…

You know those times, when you stand stunned that someone could treat someone so…

Is there really a word for it?

A word for an action or string of words that steals a child’s innocence, shades their trust in people or opens their eyes to a new world

A world where people treat people inhumanly

A world where a tender, impressionable young one is wounded

Wounded by the reality of how harsh, evil and cruel the world we live in truly is.

A world where the devil is the prince of the power of the air and roams about looking for little ones, and big ones, to devour

Today, my day consisted of a lot of young ones running in, out and around.

And I love them.

Because it’s a privilege

Because I know who they are

Because I want them to always remember that their Mom or their friend’s Mom believed the best in them.

Just in case…

Just in case, the world throws a brick of evil words through the windows of their heart.

Just in case, the roaring lion strives to rip them to shreds, trying to destroy them.

Just in case, they think of forgetting because in all those thoughts that pass through their heads, a lie weaves its way in.

Regardless of how much I love them, pour into them or protect them, I can’t keep them from the truth…

The truth of what kind of world we live in or the kind of people we live in it with.

Today I lived in it with a difficult person, a hurtful person and a manipulative, sneaky person.

And I was upset.

Deeply upset.

Probably because I care, more than them,

Maybe because I long so desperately for the hope of what’s coming that I forget I still live here…

With the broken that lashes out; with the wounded that wound; with the empty that cling.

Or maybe because I still long for earthly approval; I do delight in others love and I glean joy from pleasing others.

Maybe because somewhere along the way I grew to love what those things did for me and put those things first.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33

I know my King has set an exact and perfect course for me and that I am to walk that out.

How dangerous is it if others words or actions cause an earthquake for me as I walk that course out?

How stable and do-able is that walk going to be?

For he that wavereth (hesitates, doubts) is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. James 1:6 (Parenthesis are added from the Amplified Bible)

Well, I’m sick of rethinking my course because of those strong winds and people who blow across my path.

See I know who I am…

His!

I know where I’m going…

Home someday, and

I know why…

Because I’m His Christ-follower with a plan and a purpose!

Not to dwell in the lions den for longer then the night.

Not to sway or be upset by the wild winds that blow or the quakes that strive to shift.

And not to be measured by the other peoples standards

But to love…

No matter what,

Him first and you second.

No matter what!

The Ministry of Interruptions…

2011-07-18T13:18:00.000-04:00

I’m just noticing how my everyday tasks fill in my day.

How no matter how much time I a lot those tasks, they seem to fill in my time plus some. I think that’s because of the interruptions.

A dear friend used to say, “Our interruptions are our ministry.”

As I was walking through the house to get the cleanser to clean the toilet I stopped many times…

“Stop fighting!”

“Come here, you need a hug.”

“Clean your room!”

“Stop smearing Play-Doh on the window!”

“Now, why did I come down here? Oh yes, to straighten the kitchen… I think.”

I bend over to pick up the food dropped on the floor, wipe off the window smeared with orange, and pick up the Lego, dropping it into my pocket.

“What am I doing? Oh yeah, getting the cleanser to clean the toilet.”

Taking the stairs, two at a time; I long to fight these interruptions. I just want to finish something without stopping. I recognize the frustrated, angry feeling well up inside me. I drop off the Lego into its box and go to clean the toilet. Finding it needs the plunger; I pick up the dirty laundry on the floor and drop it off in the hamper on the way.

The dirtiest thing isn’t the toilet, it’s my attitude!

I think I hate interruptions.

I pick up the Polly pieces and stick them in my pocket before the vacuum gets them.

How in the world could they be my ministry?

I throw in another load of laundry. I restart the dryer, the towels are still wet. I get the plunger.

“Honey, help your sister.”

“Boys you’re doing a great job.”

I feel like a wet towel, a stopped up toilet with a displaced heart.

I clean up the toilet.

I’m a messy job but God makes quick work of getting the cleanser without much delay.

I picked up this mantle when I picked up my blanket wrapped little ones that now drop too much toilet paper in the toilet and too many toys and food on the floor.

So my ministry began to ones who don’t yet give back, ones who interrupt, ones who stir-up trouble. Ones that can appear to be interruptions.

I decide to leave the cleanser under the sink, put away the Polly’s in my pocket and have my littlest ones clean up their new mess of scissors and markers.

Like them, I find I go from one mess to another and find time escapes me to catch the ones that fall through the cracks, like the paper shreds through the cracks between the table and its leaf.

I feel Gods cleanser strip me as I pick up and scrub our own grime away.

I stop the mundane to give direction, to feed a hungry heart, to clean up an attitude…

Sometimes mine.

Yup, this is my ministry and as I walk by and look at my sparkling toilet…

I know it won’t last long. I pick up the blanket on the steps, throw my mantle over my shoulder, and carry it proudly.

I know that soon they won’t carry blankets, play with Play-Doh or Lego's, or leave the toilets to me,

But for now, I minister to these who interrupt and are learning to obey and not fight with their siblings, doing and teaching them all I can...

Until God will be the one to minister to their attitudes His cleanser,

Until their wills shine for Him,

Until He sits back to appraise His reflection in their eyes,

And until they pick up their own life's mantle, and possibly blanket wrapped little ones,

That He lays out for them.

Until then, my interruptions are my ministry…

In the Dark, In the Sand…

2011-07-15T00:33:00.001-04:00

You know those times when you aren’t feeling very good about yourself?

When you miss those companions that used to fit you like a glove

You know those times, where your heart feels like its breaking

For the “what ifs”, the “I wishes” and the “if onlys.”

It seems when you’re in that very place, when you need a friend just to understand, the phone rings,

“Uh huh. Oh, OK.” Another thing to deal with… another demand.

Where’s someone to hear me, feel my heartbeat, know me?

You have taken from me friend and neighbor- darkness is my closest friend. Psalms 88:18

How I long for a walk on the beach

I have bathed in the sunset, felt the waves roll gently in.

Pressed my toes into the sand

Feel the water swirl around my feet, filling in the depressions that press into my heart.

God, that’s what I’ve forgotten… how you stick closer that a brother

How I’ve needed you

I feel like I’m stuck in quicksand, not on a joyful journey.

I feel like the sun is setting leaving me stranded in the dark.

“… Moses approached the thick darkness where God was.” Exodus 20:21

Yet, this is where I find You…

Here…

In the dark, In the sand

Long after the sun has set.

Sticking closer than a brother, than a friend with skin

I cling

Knowing You have me here

Adjusting my eyes

Trusting it’s for great purpose

And here I dwell, where my companions…

Moses, David, Jesus, and Paul once lived.

Their recorded footprints tread a path before me.

In the dark, in the sandy desert places where the hope of an oasis isn’t just a mirage

And a friend, Jesus, my King of my darkness and sand, dwells with me until my feet are washed in the sandy water, that rubs me like sandpaper,

And me smoothed to His likeness.

So that I can run in the fields and drink from His oasis

When the sun rises…

In the morning

~I wrote this on a day when I felt lonely and discontent. I used to fight those emotions and purposely try not to feel them. Somewhere along the way though, I learned that negative emotions can have great purpose and lead to a greater fulfillment of life. It just so happens that this discontent allowed for the sweetest reunion with those companions that "fit me like a glove." May the greatest friend of all help you see the "whys" behind your dark days.
In Him,
Jen

Us "Nots"...

2011-07-10T22:44:00.000-04:00

"Whats your name?" I ask the new little boy in the neighborhood. He answers.

"Oh, I've heard the other kids talk about you."

"Yeah," he says, "I'm bigger and stronger than the other kids. I can even ride my bike faster. Wanna see?"

My attention zoomed in on this kid. Now knowing that he's not just "any" kid; I reply, "Oh is that so! I would love to see how fast you ride your bike."

After he goes into the street and races up and down so fast and so hard that sweat drips down his temples, I commend him and his excellent efforts! He can ride amazingly fast, and then I encourage him to use the brakes and not the soles of his shoes to turn, because brakes are so much "cooler." Then I ask "Can I ask you a few questions?" to which he consents. "Do you sometimes feel like you aren't as special as the other kids?"

His body squirms, his eyes don't meet mine but land off in the distance somewhere. "Sometimes," came the quiet reply. I knew "sometimes" didn't tell half the story that his body language and the sad tone of his voice did.

You know that old saying, "It takes one to know one." Well, in this case it is very true. I recognized in him rejection, a great pain, and a wound that seemed to cut into his very being. Have you ever identified with someone, a speaker, an author, a singer, a friend, who was bold enough to share an experience that changed their very being? And as you listened, your soul stirred. Those memories came back to your mind and you understood the presenters very heartbeat. Their very emotions or experiences that had changed them, at sometime, had changed you too. Me too....

See, when I looked into that little boys eyes, I recognized something I've seen in my own eyes. One time I wrote... Her Eyes and it tells about those eyes that speak. One part says,

"I wear eyes that speak for me,

They tell the story of hurt,

They tell the story of brokenness,

They speak of pain...

When I see talking eyes on others I know what to do,

When I see them in the mirror staring back at myself I wish to take them off like a pair of glasses...

I wear a pair of eyes that don't shield me but reveal me.

They speak where my mouth can't."

And his eyes spoke what his words couldn't.

Thankfully, My King has come to heal and use the wounds behind the eyes that reflect so transparently.

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are "Not"—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.

1 Corinthians 1:27-29 (Underline and Paranthesis are mine because I see me in that little word)

That little boy was a "Not". I know that he even knows because he immediately tried to "convince" me otherwise. He even tried to blow-out the other kid's candles' to try to "convince" himself that he's not a "Not". I used other tactics when I was young, but they all are used for the same purpose. Somewhere along the way though... I gave up. I gave up riding my bike as fast as I could, I gave up the sweating, because you do sweat when you try to fight against what God created you to be. My shoes stopped wearing out as quickly at that point because I learned my purpose and used the breaks on my old thinking.

When I stopped fighting the realization that I was a "Not," and started to live in that reality, I found myself more emptied...
For His purposes.

I knew who I wasn't, and was Ok with how I so quickly ran out of what I really needed. That left me finding myself dependant upon Him...

Always for His love because others love is empty and failable

Always for His Joy because it's like putting on His strength.

Always for Him because His gifts aren't even enough.

Yes, we "Not's" experienced much pain and reduction to bring us to the place where He needed us to be. Yet, I've found...

Your way was in the sea,
Your path in the great waters,
And Your footsteps were not known.
Psalms 77:19

So, through our wildernesses, our tribulations, our great waters, our King's presence, His very footprints went with us. His plan for those who could be considered "Not's" is to race past the worldly wisdom, the human strength, and the things that appear to "be", to show Him as The Great I Am.

You see, truely abiding in Him changes our "Not" into whatever He "would be," in whatever the moment calls for Him "to be."

Only this Great kind of God could choose a "Not" and shine His Goodness through!
A "Not" like that little boy, and somehow, even me.

"See I know something about you. Even though I just met you," I told the little boy. I know that God created you and that He never makes mistakes. I know that He has a plan for your life and great purpose for you to carry out. So don't worry so much about not feeling like you aren't as special as the others because in God's eyes, you couldn't be more special."

Our eyes locked.

He smiled

And he, another "Not", rode off on his bike without racing, because he's begun his journey of finding who he is, in the eyes of the One who truely matters.

Surviving...

2011-06-30T21:49:00.000-04:00

For some reason, God has me just surviving financially.

No vacations, No splurging, No dreaming… at least no dreaming anything that costs money.

Yup, for right now, at least, I live on shoestrings.

I guess I shouldn’t be concerned about the talk of his job going away.

But, again, I feel that feeling well up inside the pit of me

You know that one that has clenched fists and worries.

Oh, how I wrestle with holding on to what I can see, touch and “count on.”

Ha, when did I fool myself, again, into believing I can “count on” fleshly things.

Shouldn’t I know better by now who my provider truly is?

How is it that I settle in and love comforts so much?

Comfort foods, cuddly blankets, comfortable jobs, cushy finances

God never promised these things; yet has allowed them in the past.

Then, a while back, the game changed and He demanded my complete trust.

And He provided!

Again and again He provided

When my freezer’s meat drawer was empty, He filled it…

To overflowing…

Again and

Again.

Oh I lived in the constant state of His generosity and provision.

Our needs were always met.

Our food, the roof over our heads, our clothes never wearing out

Our faith growing in ways I never imagined.

I saw God in ways I had never had the opportunity to in the past.

I knew God saw me in my wilderness, like He saw Hagar.

Then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, You-Are-the-God-Who-Sees; for she said, “Have I also here seen Him who sees me?” Genesis 16:13

He knew me, He tested me, He grew me.

Yet, here I dwell with a clenched fist trying to hold onto “my idea.”

My idea of what I think is best.

I surrender.

Clenching fists seems easier then crying or being angry…

Or being afraid…

Afraid of being Powerless

Don’t we fear that?

Where you eat straight from the master’s hand

When our very next breath seems to be ordered the moment it’s due, or even the moment after, when it seems late.

I think He waits on purpose, to stretch us beyond what we thought possible, so we couldn’t possibly stretch far enough.

So we could run out… of the shoestrings, and scraps, and money, and breath, and hope, and of ourselves.

All of those things fool me.

All of those things get in the way.

All of those things can limit the new things He wants to do in our lives.

So sometimes He empties our meat drawers and removes our clenched fingers from grasping the fleshly…

To fill them

With His idea. One that leaves us overflowing with hope, faith, purpose.

One to know, what is feels like to be “known” in a wilderness place

And one that now knows confidence in the orchestrator of our days and nights.

“You’re the God of my days, the King of my nights

Lord of my laughter, sovereign in sorrow

You’re the Prince of my praise, the love of my life

You never leave me, You are faithful, God of my days.”

Song: Gateway Worship “God Of My Days”

Trusting Him, with confidence, no matter what the horizons hold, comes from the experiences that build the “knowing.”

The “knowing” Him as Jehovah Jireh, My Provider

The provider who drops the dreams into my mind and orchestrates the events that play as my life’s story.

Surrendering my surviving, my fleshly comforts, my clenched fists full of worry

To be “known” by a Jehovah God,

and to trust that His dream for me is going to fit me,

once I’ve stretched large enough to handle it,

all with my confidence in Him.

Taming Emotions...

2011-06-27T16:37:00.000-04:00

I tried to cheat.

I tried to separate my emotions from this writing...

I found it came up lacking, wanting

I tried to hide behind events and mask my emotions.

It came up shallow, superficial and empty.

I guess I can't write a regular blog

One about what I did today and how these precious little ones responded

I can't seem to keep a record of activities but emotions.

Emotions that drive me to the King

See I used to cheat and let my emotions sit upon the throne of my heart.

Their rule was chaotic, irrational and full

Until I learned how that's not the full we are designed for.

So I released full rule to my King and He set order to what was out of order.

He helped me arrest those emotions that ran wild within me

Wrestle with imagination, casting it down;

He and I were left standing...

Victorious over my old self.

So now any day I try to cheat, I'm exposed by the superficial.

Any day I work hard to hide to submerge myself in a dunk tank of shallow.

I drip with whats empty, with whats lacking the eternal;

Revealing my foolishness.

I guess I'm not allowed to write a precious blog of collected fun and memories.

For me He set up a standard where that would be me cheating, running, dripping wet with foolishness.

Instead my King pronounced a different edict

One that harnesses my deep emotions, exposes humanness and reveals Him.

Now I must ride like the tamed Stallion, arrested by loves freedom and driven as I was supposed to be.

Running...

2011-06-24T00:46:00.000-04:00

I just want to hide away for a minute to think… to process… to digest.

It’s easier when we can look off into the distance and easily see our next moves.

So I put on my gym shoes and I hit the pavement.

The easy plodding along, the straight path ahead of me… the pace

My mind wanders across the decisions of the day and the job going away and the income needed…

Running, I know my end goal, I know how far; so I easily make a right.

In real life I face another crossroad.

Where are you God? Why so quiet?

The gnawing feeling of being tested to see the content of my heart eats my side as a cramp sets in.

I slow my thinking to the immediate; do I have what it takes?

I hold my side… I pray God holds my future.

I walk to the next corner; I rethink taking the long way, I feel the constant struggle I seem to face right now.

The second guessing, the weak feeling, the wondering… “Can I do this?”

God help…

The cars stream past endlessly, the lady waives, the breeze blows… almost whispers.

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. Hebrews 12:1-3

I cross, not choosing the easy path, I set my pace.

Am I running the race to win?

You ran well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion does not come from Him who calls you. Galatians 5:7-8

I rethink my day. I rethink where I went wrong, where I lost faith, where I tripped, where I was cut in on.

I run. I pick up the pace. The sweat breaks out like the joy inside.

I step over the obstacles in my path and I choose…

I choose to win.

I choose to fight. I choose to trust.

I will say:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 2 Timothy 4:7

I near my street, my home for now; I realize it’s all just a race.

I fix my eyes on my end goal.

I slow my gate.

He set my course.

He’ll have to make it obvious to me…

I remember the waive, the whisper.

I remember the times He’s done it before.

I smile, I slow… almost home.

I fight the breeze but I press in…

Tired, my foot strikes the pavement sustaining me from my constant falling position.

I let my will fall into His.

I can do this…
On the course He sets.

Then I open the door to winning.

Half Baked...

2011-06-21T22:30:00.000-04:00

Half making cookies and half thinking; I realize how often I do that.

I do have a bit of a sweet tooth.

I lay out my ingredients and start creaming my butter.

Sometimes I do feel a bit grouchy, unhappy, discontent.

When I look around and see stuff half done.

Half cleaned kitchens

Half done aprons

Half obedient children

And a half hour late husband!

Oh and I won’t mention the half baked goals.

How is it, as I think about my day, my week, my empty… egg carton…

Who put the carton away empty… how I just hate half done jobs!

I wonder if they’d taste worst without the eggs.

They will probably be flat, like my goals.

I add “eggs” to my grocery list.

I see one of the neighbor kids pass through with a team shirt on.

A team I wanted the kids to be on… oh well.

It would be a house payment to let them all play.

I relook at my recipe. I’m not sure why, without eggs, they wouldn’t taste the same.

I go back to my beginning goals.

Where did I go wrong?

I think about my original list to achieve…

Aprons weren’t on there but obedient children were.

Cookies would have been a detail but cleaned kitchens would have been a necessity.

How do somethings make the list?

The work things,

But the eggs get missed.

I decide to focus on what’s important.

My little girl’s big eyes look up at me, “What do we do now Mommy?”

I hug her to my side.

“We’ll have to text Daddy and see if he will pick some eggs up on his way home.”

I push the half made cookies to the side and again lead her outside to pick up the chalk.

“Copy what I do.” She follows.

She obeys.

We finish a picture;

Half hers

Half mine.

Sealed with a whole hug and a big smile.

I brush off the chalk dust to finish my half made dough, to complete my family dinner,

Knowing what’s truly important needs to be mixed into my focus or they’ll never turn out right.

Choosing to Follow...

2011-06-17T00:07:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been frustrated?
The kind of frustrated that leaves you angry, despite your ability to do anything about it.
Even considering writing again was a complete faith move.
It took a lot of faith, in my ability to hide my work, so I could continue to hide my emotions;
not just from you but from myself as well.
Then God directed me toward this very hidden place in my heart.
Healing couldn't even begin for me until I could allow myself to feel again...
where I deemed it necessary, for survival, to close up.
That all began my writing again.
For me, hearing myself isn't healing
Emotions expressed in the written form is like a salve or like expressing the air out of a balloon.
And here is where I wrestle with the depth of my emotions, the truth in them and the risk of sharing them with you.
If I continue to share with you, I lay myself out before you...
like in thread bare tattered clothes with little to cover me.
And yet, I still wrestle with trifle issues like over whether my prose seem too depressing or whether I do my King a justice by exposing me and Him, for who He is...
One who'd choose me, regardless of the mess I remain in or started as.
How could one such as I represent Him or do His name justice,
because I know who I am under the tatters, the remnants.

This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. John 15:12-13

So my friend, I lay myself down before you.
Did you hear the noise of the balloon blowing out its air as it flies across this page, like my pen along these lines...
And soon as the written word is typed, as the letters chase the cursor across this screen.
It blew away the anger as my King blows away my fear.
For what kind of friend would I be if I hid my light under the bushel and chose not to lay it all down to do what I believe is right, healing and true.
So I take up my cross, beautiful or not with all my rough edges, slivers and awkwardness
And Follow.
Accepting my cross,
Risking it all...
For the deflating of my emotions and you...
I choose to follow.

Hard Days and His Work...

2011-06-11T19:34:00.000-04:00

I'm just thinking about those days... Those tough days, like today, that seem to ache by with an edge of anxiety. You know those kind of days. Its the ones where you think Gods peace comes too slowly, though you prayed... hours ago.

As I was washing down the bathroom, being that its a mindless task, my mind started to wander. I guess today would be like a stormy day. One that you'd be forced to look outside despite the hail crashing against the window pains warning you away. After the bathroom looked "just so," I went to sweeping the foyer dirt and found the tar the kids tracked in from the road being repaved.

"Why... why such hard days?"

I remember the King I serve, I hear the music in the background. Jars of Clay are singing,

"Rain, rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood

Slowly I become one with the mud."

Looking at my dirt pile and thinking of the mud. This world is a muddy place and I hate that sometimes.

He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
         Out of the miry clay,
         And set my feet upon a rock,
         And established my steps. Psalm 40:2 (NKJV)

I toss that pan full of dirt into the trash and thank the God of Creation that He, making me out of that very dirt, separated me from it, by making me into His image.

His Very Image. And the process of that transformation is messy. Oh the cleansing process....

I want to run in the rain. Bathe in His grace. Rest in His Righteousness.

Oh that I might be the Bride you desire me to be...

...as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Ephesians 5:25-27 (NIV)

It hits me like hail... I just surrender to You, I just trust You, I just love You...

YOU do the rest!

Hence the tough days. Hence the rain...!

Maybe Your rain will soften my heart. Maybe Your turning up the fire will help me look more like You. Maybe I'm Your work, like the bathroom is mine... Oh clean me till I'm "just so."

"Without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish."

Maybe "Holy and Blameless" is what is left after you throw Your rug of Righteousness around me; after you sweep away the me that seems to stick like the tar to my floor. Sweep away the sinful me.

Sow for yourselves righteousness;
      Reap in mercy;
      Break up your fallow ground,
      For it is time to seek the LORD,
      Till He comes and rains righteousness on you. Hosea 10:11-13 (NKJV)

I form the light and create darkness,
      I make peace and create calamity;
      I, the LORD, do all these things.’
“ Rain down, you heavens, from above,
      And let the skies pour down righteousness;
      Let the earth open, let them bring forth salvation,
      And let righteousness spring up together.
      I, the LORD, have created it. Isaiah 45:7-9 (NKJV)

Finding you as I find me...

2011-06-11T18:04:00.000-04:00

This thought isn't probably going to be like most thoughts. I feel I'm too ordinary. My kids are too normal. My husband is just a regular guy. My marriage is probably typical. My place of work is just my "daily grind." My photography is just centered on the main character in the photo.

And finally my life is really... Well, not even my own.

If all that sounds a lot like you, then we will make great friends.

You see I'm not very good at comparing or competing; I mostly excel at loving. But the world doesn't really count that as very important.

So I present to you... My King! His name is Jesus Christ and for some reason my thoughts stray His way all too often. I was drawn to Him at a very young age and He's just kind of...

stuck with me on this journey we call life. I'm actually surprised that He's found me because there isn't anything that separates me from you or anyone else.

Really I'm actually finding that my life doesn't reflect who I am through my kids, husband, marriage or even the work I do day-in and day-out. In fact, those pictures I take don't really reflect "me" either.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

1 Corinthians 13:12 (NIV)

I'm finding that I didn't even know me until I knew Him. My guess is as good as yours as to who I could have been or who I would be; that is, if... He didn't stick with me.

As I saw Him more clearly, I began to have a reflection, a clarity as to who I was and what I was to do.

I slowly trusted Him, and His ways. As I trusted, I saw His face and He allowed me to see mine in His.

Here is where I could weep...

Did you ever take the moment and allow yourself to really see who you are?

Broken, Lonely, Wounded, Afraid... Empty; Yet, full!

Full of everything you wouldn't want to be full of.

Well, that's me.

How different are you from me?

Hopefully, like me, your stories reflection doesn't end there. Hopefully you are now "known" and have had the opportunity to see your own reflection reflecting back at you.

"I will change your name.

You shall no longer be called...

Wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid.

I will change your name.

Your new name shall be...

Confidence, Joyfulness, Overcoming one,

Faithfulness, Friend of God,

One who seeks My Face."

-Songs Author Unknown

"... To him who overcomes... I will give him a white stone, and on the stone a new name written which no one knows except him who receives it." Revelations 2:17 (NKJV)

I guess I'm still thinking about what my new name could be and about the reflection that peers back at me as I gaze through the windows...
of My mundane daily work,
My children's eyes,
My husbands grin,
My photograph that hangs on the wall,
and my King who encourages me along toward...
His reflection

By the way, It's nice to meet you! I'll try to trust you, as you trust me, to reveal the thoughts I'm thinking and I just know that...
We'll be the Best of Friends when we're done.
Jen