What Tami Said

The assumptions behind "the black marriage crisis"

2012-01-27T11:57:00.000-05:00

Read my latest at The Guardian:

Twenty years ago, just after college, I attended a birthday party for a friend. In the kitchen, standing round the drinks, a handsome guy chatted me up:

"So, do you have a boyfriend?" He asked.

"No," I replied.

"Oh, what's wrong with you, then?"

"Sorry?" I said, puzzled.

"I mean, dudes should be interested in a woman like you. If you don't have a boyfriend, something must be wrong with you. You must be one of those crazy women."

Over the last decade, America has been playing an increasingly aggressive game of "What's wrong with you, then?" with heterosexual single black women. US marriage rates are dropping, according to a recent Pew Research Center study. But African Americans marry even less often than their white counterparts. According to the 2010 census, just over 26% of white Americans aged 15 and older have never married, compared to 47% of the black population.

We are told that the "black marriage crisis" (pdf) affects none so much as black women. Though black men are equally unmarried, news articles, panel discussions, special reports and books solely lament the fact that black women are half as likely to marry as white women.

There are, of course, many complicated reasons for this gap. Experts cite numbers: there are more American black women than men; higher rates of interracial partnering among black men; bias against black men in the criminal justice system and the legacy of slavery. There is also the achievement gap: black women outnumber black men in higher education more than two to one, and this often creates a wedge of opportunity and class between them. But no reason seems more compelling than the idea that black women need to change who they are and what they want.

In Is Marriage For White People?, Ralph Richard Banks tells black women to date more nonblack men. In an interview with gossip site NecoleBitchie.com that exploded around the web, actor and singer Tyrese cautioned black women against being "too independent". Comedian, radio host and now bestselling author Steve Harvey suspects women don't understand how men think. We need to, according to Harvey, meet men on their own terms. In his popular books, Act Like a Lady: Think Like a Man and Straight Talk; No Chaser, Harvey doles out advice on how to be "a girl" and cautions women that wanting a man who is "humble and smart, fun and romantic, sensitive and gentle, and, above all, supportive" is "unrealistic".

Harvey is not alone in thinking black women demand too much of their partners. Even as we are bombarded with advice on how to change to meet the desires of selective partners, single black women are constantly confronted for being "too picky".

And it seems black women are not the only women carrying this burden. In a recent article for the Guardian, Syma Mohammed discussed why older, Muslim British women in the Asian community struggle to find marriage partners. There is a tradition of men from the Indian subcontinent marrying women from their country of origin. Also, men are allowed to marry outside of the Muslim faith, while women are not. And then, there is this:

Read more...

Why I'm ambivalent about that WaPo/Kaiser survey of black women

2012-01-25T12:52:00.000-05:00

In a new nationwide survey conducted by The Washington Post and the Kaiser Family Foundation, a complex portrait emerges of black women who feel confident but vulnerable, who have high self-esteem and see physical beauty as important, who find career success more vital to them than marriage. The survey, which includes interviews with more than 800 black women, represents the most extensive exploration of the lives and views of African American women in decades. Read more...

It's hard to know whether to be happy or dismayed about this survey of black women that has gained so much attention since it's release last week. It is nice that, for once, a major media outlet spoke to black women, rather than at, about or around us. It is disheartening, though, that it requires "extensive exploration" for the broader American public to determine that black women are diverse and complicated beings, like, y'know, everyone else.

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Really, Liz Lemon? Am I the only one who thinks Tracy Morgan's homophobia shouldn't be comedy fodder?

2012-01-20T12:24:00.000-05:00

Last night's episode of 30 Rock made like Law & Order and ripped a story from the headlines. It played on the real-life backlash against series star Tracy Morgan after he made violent, homophobic remarks during a summer stand-up performance in Nashville. In last night's show, Morgan's Tracy Jordan character mades a dumb remark about homosexuality during a performance and attracted the ire of the gay community. And then...um...comedy ensued?

I think the decision by Tina Fey, Morgan and the writers at 30 Rock to tackle this real-life controversy was a bad one. By doing so, they diminished Morgan's earlier apologies and added insult to injury.

(Relevant content is at the beginning of the clip)

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Newt Gingrich's cynical play to racial prejudice

2012-01-17T17:12:00.000-05:00

Read my latest article on The Guardian's Comment Is Free:

It is curious that in a climate when nearly 45 million Americans are in need of food stamps, unemployment stands at 8.5%, nearly 50 million people have no health insurance and tough economic times touch nearly all of the 99%, including an increasingly fragile middle class, the GOP would pin its 2012 electoral hopes on demonizing teachers and public workers and demeaning the economically strapped as lazy and shiftless. It is curioser still that the Republican base eats this rhetoric up with a spoon.

The Republican party's fealty to the Southern Strategy is as strong in 2012 as it was in 1960s. And if the crowd at last night's Republican debate are any indication, the strategy still works.

During the debate in South Carolina, Fox News correspondent Juan Williams challenged candidate Newt Gingrich about recent statements made along the campaign trail. The former House speaker had made like Ebenezer Scrooge ("Are there no workhouses? Are there no prisons?"), questioning the work ethic of the disenfranchised, dismissing child labor laws and suggesting that poor children be given janitorial jobs. When Williams asked whether Gingrich's remarks weren't, in fact, belittling to all Americans, but especially racial minorities who face higher rates of poverty, he was roundly booed by the audience. Gingrich retorted:

"So here's my point: I believe every American of every background has been endowed by their creator with the right to pursue happiness. And if that makes liberals unhappy, I'm going to continue to find ways to help poor people learn how to get a job, learn how to get a better job, and learn someday to own the job."

At which, the crowd erupted in cheers that drowned out the debate moderators.

Take that Juan Williams! Why, Newt was just talking about the awesome American work ethic and the poor people who clearly need help acquiring it. Who said anything about race?

Read more...

It's not "defensiveness"--Why we challenge "the black marriage crisis" narrative

2012-01-16T06:00:00.000-05:00

In Sunday’s New York Daily News, Ralph Richard Banks, author of Is Marriage for White People?, hit back at those who question “the black marriage crisis,” branding critics “defensive,” saying:

They dismiss the shortage of marriageable black men as a myth and the marriage decline as an overhyped nonproblem, the discussion of which is depicted, as one New York Times essay put it, as “part of a persistent historical and present-day attack on black people in America, with black men made into deviants and black women into problems.”

That’s just one example among many hostile reactions to my recently published book, “Is Marriage for White People? How the African-American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone.” Some commentators, without even reading the book, have characterized me as self-hating, if not outright racist.

No wonder some whites too are hesitant to venture onto the terrain of race and marriage.

Banks ends his commentary by calling on the legacy of Martin Luther King, Jr. and imploring that we “have the courage to look unflinchingly at societal trends that some others would prefer not to acknowledge.”

I found Banks’ article uncharitable and frustrating. He dismissed very real criticisms of the way the media talks about black relationships and marriage and alluded that black folks would rather watch communities fail than air the dirty laundry of high incarceration rates and success gaps between black men and women. This, in my observation, simply isn’t true. What critics like myself are hesitant to buy into is the sexist and racist framing of cultural shifts surrounding marriage.

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Lazy racial humor kills amusing skits dead

2012-01-15T11:57:00.002-05:00

I was all in on this Saturday Night Live skit lampooning Ricky Gervais' return as host of The Golden Globes. Jason Sudeikis gets Gervais' bullying I'm-a-cheeky-boy smarm and abundant self-regard just right. The spot hints at how the current hype surrounding Gervais makes it seem like telling a few pointed jokes in front of rich and famous folks makes one a mad, bad, speaking-truth-to-power man--like a cross between Shaft and Howard Zinn. It was funny...until about 1:40 in when Jason-as-Ricky takes his act to the BET Awards and gets some caps busted in his direction.

*side-eye*

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Whither Cliff and Clair of the modern TV age?

2012-01-12T12:20:00.000-05:00

Roc and Eleanor Emerson of the 90s sitcom Roc.

I've mentioned before how much I have enjoyed speaking with black women, as part of my Black Women and Marriage Project, about how they love and are loved by their significant others. It has highlighted for me how erased black love is from the cultural landscape. And perhaps because it is rendered so invisible, all those reports of black relationship dysfunction stick to public consciousness more easily.

Just consider the small screen. When I think of loving black TV couples, the ones that immediately come to mind are characters from old, now-defunct shows like Roc or The Cosby Show. (My buddy blogger Pamela Kemp suggested Lt. Anita Van Buren (S. Epatha Merkerson) and her partner on the now-canceled Law & Order mothership.)

But where are the examples of functional black relationships on TV TODAY? And since I am inclined to focus on how black women are treated in the endless discussion of black relationships--Where are examples of black women as desired objects of affection and love interests?

Leave your suggestions in the comments. I'd really like to analyze this for a future post.

Not everyone is laughing at "Shit White Girls Say To Black Girls"

2012-01-09T09:47:00.002-05:00

This one time at journalism camp (Yes, there is such a thing.), a white friend that I had been bonding with for the week, leaned over and confided that until last year’s camp experience, she had been certain black people had tails. That same summer, another camper expressed her extreme dislike for rap music and then turned to me apologizing so profusely you’d think I was Kool Moe Dee himself. I’ve been “the only” in so many situations from childhood until today that when I spotted comedian Franchesca Ramsey’s new video, “Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls,” I almost squealed. Man, could I relate! In college for four years in Iowa, I heard half these things four times between the shower and my morning class. For me, Ramsey’s entry into the “Shit ________ Say” meme was not only funny, it also contained important social commentary. But not everyone is laughing.

As the video exploded across the Internet, some folks, particularly white women, including ones who deem themselves liberal, anti-racist allies, pushed back. A cruise through comments over on Huffington Post, Jezebel and Facebook reveals some unhappy responses, including 1) This is reverse-racism/stereotyping! 2) Everybody says dumb racial stuff equally. Guess what this black girl said to me once? 3) Nobody really says this stuff. I mean, maybe in the South/Flyover States... 4) How come this is okay, but “Shit black girls say to white girls” wouldn’t be?

Sigh.

You think talking about “big” racial issues like loan discrimination and redlining and police brutality against black men is hard? It’s often a lot easier than discussing race-based “microaggressions.” Microaggressions is a word coined by psychiatrist Chester M. Pierce, meaning “brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative racial slights and insults toward people of other races.”

The discussion is hard because it requires good, well-meaning people to admit to and examine their own racial privilege. It requires those who may think of themselves as anti-racist allies to do more than tsk tsk along with black friends about some madness, say, Rick Santorum said, and recall the things they personally (and perhaps innocently) may have done to make friends, family and co-workers of color feel othered. That’s tough. And it’s not just tough for the “white girls” mentioned in Ramsey’s work. It’s hard for everyone who has any kind of privilege, be it educational privilege, sexual privilege, gender privilege, etc. (All microaggressions aren’t tied to race. Just check out the Microaggressions Tumblr to see the many non-race-related ways this can play out.) But “Shit white girls say...” is centered on racial privilege and that is what much of the push back seems to ignore.

Read the rest of my article at Clutch Magazine...

Straw Dogs: When is sex and violence just sex and violence?

2012-01-04T15:53:00.001-05:00

Over the holidays, I attempted to watch the movie Straw Dogs. I couldn't make it through. I found the film's relentless misogyny, violence, ableism and stereotyping of Southerners gross and unwatchable. After shutting off the film, I perused a few reviews to see if critics found it as unpleasant as I did. I was surprised to find that, though the movie was generally poorly reviewed, that many movie experts ascribed to the film some deeper meaning. Where I saw wanton violence, they saw commentary on violence. Where I saw dangerous sexism, they saw an analysis of masculinity. This has me trying to tease out, what criteria are there that confirm whether a piece of art celebrates a negative bit of culture (say, violence, sexism, racism or homophobia) or instead challenges or analyzes it?

The 2011 Straw Dogs is a remake of a 1971 film by the same name, directed by Sam Peckinpah. The original, set in England, starred Dustin Hoffman and Susan George. The reboot moves the action to the Southern United States and features James Marsden (David), Kate Bosworth (Amy) and Alexander Skarsgard (Charlie). Upon her father's death, TV star Amy and her writer husband, David, return to her small, rural Mississippi hometown. Amy is the picture of idealized white womanhood--thin, blonde and desired by every man who strolls into her orbit. David is the stereotypical effete liberal Northerner--bespectacled, pushing a Jag and always exuding a thinly-veiled aura of condescension. By contrast, the residents of Blackwater, Mississippi, are stupid, scruffy, bigoted, hyper religious and menacing, absorbed by Friday night football, hunting and breeding.

Charlie, Amy's high school flame, joins a group of local men in repairing a barn on Amy and David's property. What ensues is a--for lack of a better word--dick-measuring contest between Amy's past and current paramours. Charlie leads his crew in passive-aggressively (heavy on the aggressive) needling the couple. They play loud music early in the morning, barely put in a days work and walk freely into the house--all things David is too reserved to challenge. The posse soon escalates to more threatening behavior, killing the couple's pet cat and making lewd sexual remarks to Amy. Eventually, while his crew lures David on a hunting trip where he is narrowly missed by a bullet and abandoned in the woods, Charlie and another cohort rape Amy.

And this is where I had to stop. I couldn't bear any more.

Read more »

Amazon, indie stores and elitism among readers

2011-12-27T15:28:00.002-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, Farhad Manjoo, technology columnist at Slate, published one of those "Behold and click upon my courageous unconventional views!" articles that the online magazine is famous for. Manjoo took aim at the popular wisdom (at least among the literati) that Amazon is the Devil to the saintly and struggling local, independent book store; that all those one-click purchases made at the online behemoth are acts of literary heresy by stupid and selfish people who care more for low cost and convenience than the preservation of literary culture. Majoo wrote:

All of which is to say that I was primed to nod in vigorous agreement when I saw novelist Richard Russo’s New York Times op-ed taking on Amazon’s thuggish ways. But as I waded into Russo’s piece—which was widely passed around on Tuesday—I realized that he’d made a critical and common mistake in his argument. Rather than focus on the ways that Amazon’s promotion would harm businesses whose demise might actually be a cause for alarm (like a big-box electronics store that hires hundreds of local residents), Russo hangs his tirade on some of the least efficient, least user-friendly, and most mistakenly mythologized local establishments you can find: independent bookstores. Russo and his novelist friends take for granted that sustaining these cultish, moldering institutions is the only way to foster a “real-life literary culture,” as writer Tom Perrotta puts it. Russo claims that Amazon, unlike the bookstore down the street, “doesn’t care about the larger bookselling universe” and has no interest in fostering “literary culture.”

That’s simply bogus. As much as I despise some of its recent tactics, no company in recent years has done more than Amazon to ignite a national passion for buying, reading, and even writing new books. With his creepy laugh and Dr. Evil smile, Bezos is an easy guy to hate, and I’ve previously worried that he’d ruin the book industry. But if you’re a novelist—not to mention a reader, a book publisher, or anyone else who cares about a vibrant book industry—you should thank him for crushing that precious indie on the corner. Read more...

Damn!

Now, that bit about longing for the demise of the local independent bookstore? Typical Slate inflammatory nonsense. But for different reasons, I'm becoming uncomfortable with the genuflection to indie bookstores and demonization of Amazon and big book retailers. I think that too much of the discussion smacks of classism and a desire for the right sort of people to hold on to literary privilege. Consider this point from David Plotz on the December 16 episode of Slate's Political Gabfest Podcast:

"All you need to know to defend the independent bookstore...If you think of it as a transactional question...Of...Where can I get a good book? Where is it cheaper? Where can I have a reading experience? And am I buying more books if I buy them through Amazon? Then, sure Amazon and the chain stores are a much better deal. They're much better. You get more books for your money. You're likely to buy more books...

That is not the question...The point about independent bookstores and local bookstores has nothing to do with how well they do with supplying you with books. The thing about them is that we live in a world of undistinguished space...and sprawl and that independent bookstores are anchors of a particular kind of life...a particular kind of urban community life that is incredibly valuable and is not measured in dollars. If it's measured in dollars, it has an extremely high value and we should be grateful. We should pay twice as much for books at independent bookstores.

When you have a strong independent bookstore, as when you have any strong local retail operation...that you create communality...you create a density...you create an exchange of ideas and a pleasure in community that you don't get in other places. And that's why people..a certain class of people...like to live in dense urban spaces that they can walk around to and pop into." [Emphasis mine]

He goes on to remind co-host John Dickerson that

I'm also willing to accept that that's a form of prejudice that, John, you and I have. We were raised to get pleasure in being in a book store...to enjoy the smell of it and so forth...and other people may not have that. Listen.

Huh.

This is what lurks around the edges of some responses to Manjoo's article--that a desire to give a certain class of person a place to hang out in their hip, urban neighborhoods is more noble than making it easier for the masses to read and discuss literature. Besides, plebes don't understand the smell of a good bookstore anyway. If they did, that would be more important to them than book cost and convenience.

This is such a privileged and narrow point of view; and I say that as a longtime voracious reader who desperately wants brick-and-mortar book stores--the big and small--to survive.

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"He had the courage to say unpopular things": No praise for courting controversy

2011-12-19T12:29:00.000-05:00

This post is not about Christopher Hitchens. It is just that eulogizing of the writer has me pondering the adulation we give people and ideas believed to be outside the bounds of "political correctness."

Hitch was a polarizing figure: He could be a louche wit and raconteur, an exceptional writer, a tireless advocate for the Godless, a moving chronicler of the end of life and also a pompous sexist, racist warmonger and Islamophobe, drunk on privilege (and whatever else). I'll remind that Hitchens was the guy who argued that women are inherently not funny, who attempted to paint Michelle Obama as a black militant on the strength of a college thesis about the alienation black students often feel on majority white campuses, and who said of the war in Iraq: "The death toll is not nearly high enough... too many [jihadists] have escaped."

Now, despite all that, many folks were fond of Hitchens--at least that is the impression I get from comments on Gawker, Salon, Slate and the like. How does one square abhorrent pronouncements by a man whose work can also be admirably challenging and engrossing? Apparently, it is by evoking the rather vague and puzzling commendation: Well, even if I didn't agree with him, he had the courage to say unpopular things. I keep hearing this in relation to Christopher Hitchens and I wonder: Is the will to say detested things praise-worthy, in and of itself?

At the root of the discussion is the myth of "political correctness," which I wrote about a few years ago in this space:

Disdain for "political correctness" is often positioned as a concern that some important truth is not being spoken for fear of offending someone. But that concern is nothing but smoke and mirrors. To invoke "political correctness" is really to be concerned about loss of power and privilege. It is about disappointment that some "ism" that was ingrained in our society, so much that citizens of privilege could express the bias through word and deed without fear of reprisal, has been shaken loose. Charging "political correctness" generally means this: "I am comfortable with my privilege. I don't want to have to question it. I don't want to have to think before I speak or act. I certainly don't wish to inconvenience myself for the comfort of lesser people (whoever those people may be--women, people of color, people with disabilities, etc.)" Read more...

I want an unfunky Yuletide

2011-12-15T09:56:00.002-05:00

I publish this post every year, cause it's as true now as it was when I wrote in the early days of this blog. Normally, I'm down with uncut funk (big ups to Parliament). But not at Christmas time. I don't want my carols funked up or rocked out or any of that, as I explain in my annual holiday reposting...

___________________________________________

I like my Christmas and my carols classic.

Today, my nieces and nephew came over and we made gingerbread houses and decorated my tree while listening to holiday tunes--classic tunes. I mean real classic, like from before I was born or when I was a little Tami. I'm talking Nat King Cole and Burl Ives classic, with maybe a smidge of Donny Hathaway. I don't want my carols funked up. I don't want to hear any multi-octave melismas, no rapping breakdown. The Nutcracker, A Rat Pack Christmas and Carpenters Christmas Portrait have been in heavy rotation on my iPod this week.

Yeah, I said the Carpenters, and I'm not ashamed. Karen Carpenter has one of the most beautiful voices I've ever heard and I love to hear her sing Merry Christmas, Darling. Speaking of beautiful voices, I love David Bowie's voice on Little Drummer Boy below. He sounds so sweet, not his usual freaky self. This is my all-time favorite version of the song.

Notes from the Black Women and Marriage Project: An everything kind of love

2011-12-12T08:03:00.000-05:00

Black women don't need to be taught how to love. Despite what the common narrative may tell you, we are loving beings--no more or less so than any other group. You don't see it, though. Too much of popular culture--even the movies, TV shows and books targeted to our community--presents black women as bitter and emasculating bitches, misguided in our independence and incapable of appreciating a good man. Don't trust that.

For more than a month, I've been conducting preliminary interviews for my black women and marriage project. When I began this project, I didn't realize how much I would enjoy hearing other black women talk about how much they love their partners. This process has highlighted for me, how rarely I get to hear that. Oh, I experience it in real life, but sometimes pop culture can feel stronger and more encompassing than real life.

One interviewee, upon being asked what she loves most about her man, said: "You don't have the time..." Another giddily talked about how she and her mate discovered their mutual interest in Greek mythology, prompting his family to exclaim, "Oh my God! There's two of them!" Yet another woman proudly talked about how her husband could talk about philosophy and rewire a house. Another woman said that she was "stupid in love with her husband." I can relate, as a stupidly in love woman myself.

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Fat black women feel too good about themselves

2011-12-08T10:37:00.001-05:00

Here is exhibit thirtyleventybillion of how the positive attributes of black women are twisted, folded and rejiggered through a racist and sexist lens to be negative. From the Huffington Post:

Whether rooted in the old "big boned" theory or a reluctance to work out for beauty sake, researchers say that black women's perception of obesity differs from that of white women.

Tiffany L. Cox, and her team from the University of Alabama at Birmingham, the Neuropsychiatric Research Institute in Fargo, ND, and Obesity and Quality of Life Consulting in Durham, NC analyzed data between 2000 and 2010 and found that most obese women are dissatisfied with their quality of life when compared to women of "normal" weight, but black women report a higher quality of life than white women of the same weight. (Quality of life measures included physical function, self-esteem, sexual life, public distress and work.) Self-esteem also ranked particularly high among black women.

The study, published in the journal Applied Research in Quality of Life, also found that black women appear to be more concerned about the physical limitations resulting from obesity, than by the potential mental and emotional consequences of being overweight or obese. Read more...

For black women, this would appear to be good news, yes? No. Not according to HuffPo. Let's review the fails, shall we?

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Gawker and Vulture: Why no love for Georgia peaches?

2011-12-05T07:35:00.001-05:00

[Note: Before this post gets a lot of comments about how the women on the Real Housewives of Atlanta have set black women back 100 years, see my thoughts on buying into the idea that any one black person is a representative of all of us.]

So, I watched the Real Housewives of Atlanta last night...Yes. You heard me. I watch that mess on the regular, along with the other entries in the RHO franchise. (But I do watch with a critical eye.) Anyway, the day after I watch any show, it's a particular pleasure of mine to read recaps and show forums. As someone who spends time analyzing pop culture through a feminist and anti-racist lens, I'm always curious how the general public receives a program. And, on a less noble tip, I want to read nasty bon mots and find out if anybody else thinks, for example, Sookie Stackhouse is a huge pain in the rear or that the plot of American Horror Story is headed right off the rails. Sadly, I've found that two of my go-to sites for pop culture, snark and media analysis mysteriously neglect the Real Housewives of Atlanta, apart from its sister shows. And I wonder why.

Hotlanta's entry in Bravo's sordid Real Housewives franchise broke ratings records with its season premiere this fall, attracting 2.9 million viewers. It remains one of the most-watched of the RHO series. Surely, the TV recappers at New York magazine's Vulture and Nick Denton's Gawker would want to turn their razor-sharp wit on this show. Its cast is a snarker's dream. Come on--a self-proclaimed "traditional" Southern belle that does legal work for spectacularly-hung strippers and hip hop royalty and is itching to start a funeral business on the side offering blinged-out home-going services? The jokes write themselves. Besides the program being a hotbed of fuckery, there's the fact that both Vulture and Gawker recap the other big dogs of the franchise: New York, New Jersey, Beverly Hills and Orange County. So, where's the love for the Georgia peaches?

This exclusion seems to be an example of the way the Atlanta show is received a wee bit differently from other entries in the RHOverse. Take the criticisms leveled at the mostly-black cast.

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There's nothing wrong with being single and loving it

2011-11-28T11:03:00.001-05:00

In a post titled "A Case for Marriage," Clutch writer Herina K. Ayot writes about black men who are ambivalent about taking a trip to the altar:

But most men under 40 are afraid of the “put a ring on it, let’s get married and have babies” kind of commitment. They want to accomplish something first. They want to sew [sic] their wild oats, live their best life, travel the world, sleep with dozens of beautiful women before they settle down, trade in their condo for a house with a picket fence, a Golden Retriever, and perfunctory sex. Read more...

I've always uncomfortable with blanket statements about what "most" men (or women) do. Statements like these are bound to be driven more by personal bias than any hard evidence. And while I understand what Ayot is alluding to, something about this article makes me uncomfortable. There are certainly men (and women) who are enamored of the options that come with single life and who believe marriage is a boring alternative. As a happily married woman, I happen to disagree, but we all have our own paths to get ready (or not) for lifetime commitment.

Marriage-hungry woman tries to reform commitment-phobic man is a common trope--especially in the age of "the black marriage crisis." But as I've interviewed women for my marriage project, I've spoken with many who don't wish to marry for real and compelling reasons. That is their right. It is not that they don't understand the benefits of marriage; they simply believe the benefits of singleness are better for them. Not every woman or man needs to or wants to marry. Not everyone can get married.

In genuflecting to traditional matrimony, the article makes embracing one's journey as a single person seem like a foolish or selfish thing wayward men do. But when I read: "They want to accomplish something first. They want to sew [sic] their wild oats, live their best life, travel the world, sleep with dozens of beautiful women before they settle down..." I think is sounds like something men and women ought to do. Exploring yourself and the world, growing, learning, understanding your sexual needs--all those things make you a better, more self-aware romantic partner.

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"American Horror Story" fails at abortion story line

2011-11-22T14:28:00.001-05:00

American Horror Story's mad doctor, Charles Montgomery

Yesterday, Feministe published a post on the irresponsible way The Walking Dead treated "the morning after pill" in a recent episode:

So you’ve got this storyline where Lori Grimes is unexpectedly pregnant and despairing over whether to bring a child into a filthy, chaotic, hopeless, joyless, post-zombie-apocalyptic hellworld. You know what? That’s awesome. Seriously, that’s an awesome storyline. I can totally see a person struggling with that under those circumstances, and there’s a ton you can do with that subplot. Good call, show.

So you give Glenn a pony and send him into town (even though y’all do have an actual car, but that’s another complaint for another post) to hit up the pharmacy for…

… a big ol’ handful of abortion pills.

Oh, show.

1. A big packet labeled “Morning After Pill” is like a white soda can labeled “Cola.”

That’s… just not what they look like. Plan B is actually available over the counter now, if you wanted to pick up a few just to see what they look like, in case you were interested in, like, accuracy, or whatever. You also might be surprised to learn they look nothing like Tylenol PM.

2. The morning-after pill doesn’t cause abortions.

Even if you take them by the heaping Tylenol handful, Lori. All that will do is make you feel really queasy, and then you’re sick and pregnant and living in a post-zombie-apocalyptic hellworld and your hair is really flat. Read more...

The writers of The Walking Dead aren't the only ones who could use a trip back to sex ed class. Though, I can't decide whether American Horror Story's treatment of abortion is ignorant, lazy or evil. The show, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk's weekly camp homage to iconic horror, follows the dysfunctional Harmon family, recently relocated to the West Coast and stuck in a spirit-infested home with a long history of sordid sex and murder.

The Murder House, as the Harmon's new home is called by locals, was built in 1922 by the inept,drug-addled Dr. Charles Montgomery, who is convinced by his money-hungry wife to take a break from his nefarious Dr. Moreau-like experiments and begin earning extra cash performing abortions for unfortunate show girls. Eventually, the angry boyfriend of a patient kidnaps Montgomery's baby Lindbergh-style, returning him dead, his body cut into pieces. The now quite mad doctor stitches the child back together like one of his previous ghoulish experiments, reanimating him into an unholy evil thing that may still reside in Murder House in corporeal or spirit form.

As horror stories go, a physician who turns his murdered son into a monster is foundation enough to spark a decades-long curse. But I am convinced that the show wants the audience to think some of the house's murderousness comes from the fact that its original owner was performing abortions. The show runners prod the audience to associate abortion with the dark, unholy and wrong.

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Tyrese mansplains to "too independent" women

2011-11-21T12:40:00.001-05:00

For the past few weeks, as part of my project exploring black women, relationships and marriage, I've been immersing myself in books, films, blog posts and other media on the subject. Last week I read Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man and am still trying to wash off the film and stink of patriarchy. I told my husband over the weekend that I am unbelievably proud of black women. As a group we are able to hold our heads high in the face of the relentless narrative that there is something wrong with us that needs to be fixed; that, for us, admirable qualities like independence, only make us more unlovable--a narrative not only championed by the mainstream, but, too often, by members of our own communities.

So, singer, actor and (God help us) author Tyrese decided to drop a little wisdom on the black lady folk during a recent interview with NecoleBitchie.com. (above) He warns us about being "too independent."

Huh.

There is nothing about the descriptor "independent" that is negative on its face, at least not based on Merriam-Webster's definition above. My parents taught me to be independent. When I became old enough to drive, my father taught me how to check my tire pressure and oil and how to change a tire. I keep my AAA membership payed up, but I know if roadside service can't get to me, I can take care of myself. To be independent is to be free. Because I can handle an auto emergency, I've felt free to crisscross the country on road journeys points southwest to northeast.

What could be wrong with being free? Nothing, unless, of course, you believe that it is not advantageous for women to be "not subject to control by others" or "not requiring or relying on others (as for care or livelihood)." Would Tyrese caution men this way? Would he warn them against not needing women.

Sexism lies at the root of the actor's monologue. In the regressive language of modern black relationship advice, it is not enough for a black woman to want a man deeply, with all her heart and soul. Male egos must always be fed with the idea that women are unfulfilled and incapable of living without a man. We must avoid being uneducated free-loaders, sayeth Tyrese, while being sure to remain needy and helpless enough to be attractive to men like him.

Tyrese's "helpful" advice carries the condescension and arrogance typical of mansplaining, plus a dash of amorphous homophobia. What was that weird sidebar about homosexuality? No doubt, some ill-spoken repetition of the idea that gay black men harm black women's marriage chances with their gayness. Silly.

But here's another thing Tyrese's advice is: racist. It is specifically black women who are singled out for some of the most dehumanizing and denigrating messages about their lovability and marriageability. Indeed, Tyrese directs his comment "especially" to black women. Our culture remains in a place where it is acceptable to assume black women, apart from other women, are intrinsically wrong and in need of correction. It is not just mainstream sources like ABC News that serve up "What's wrong with black women?" programming. Black men like Steve Harvey, Tyrese and Jimi Izrael are getting in on the action. And no one blinks an eye.

Can you imagine comedian Jeff Foxworthy holding on to his largely white audience after penning a book and taking to the airwaves telling white women how their faults are keeping them single? Would Josh Duhamel, who appeared with Tyrese in Transformers, be getting many calls in Hollywood after, apropos of nothing, derailing an interview to to talk about how white women are too damned self-sufficient for their own good? Could Ira Glass say: "[White] women’s unrealistic standards are probably born of bedtime stories about handsome, rich men on majestic horses delivering damsels in distress. Girlfriends often tell similar apocryphal tales about the friend of a friend who nabbed a rich, hung sugar-daddy who saved them from a life of dishpan hands and lower-middle-class drudgery. Through the influence of popular media and the misguided advice they give each other, sisters combine these images and presumptions to draw a composite of a perfect [white] man." and keep his job at NPR? His coworker Jimi Izrael wrote that and more about black women and is not only featured on National Public Radio, but was excerpted on The Root, where he once penned a column.

Sexism is real for all women. But the combination of femaleness and blackness is particularly devalued, sadly, too often among even black men. Tyrese reveals his expectation that women must bend to meet male needs. I don't see in the above video a man who values black women and loves them. I see a man concerned that black women might be too capable, too free. Independent women have options and demands, as men do. Independent women are choosy, as men are. A strong man has no problem meeting partners on an equal playing field, but a weak man needs a weaker partner to feel strong. Any man preaching against independence for women unwittingly lays himself bare.

Mariah Carey hated her post-partum body and Jenny Craig wants you to hate your body too

2011-11-10T10:44:00.001-05:00

They always give the game away. Big weight loss companies, I mean. Oh, they will say they are all about eating better and being healthier, but in the end it is about women sacrificing to fit an idealized (thin) body type and--this part is important, because the weight loss industrial complex doesn't make money otherwise--feeling bad when they don't. Consider the spokespersons companies like Jenny Craig choose to "inspire" women:

When, Kirstie Alley was a Jenny Craig spokesperson, she spewed her pathology about weight from People magazine to The Oprah Winfrey Show. People even published a photo retrospective, allowing Alley to denigrate her former fat self:

"[The scale] said 228 lbs., which is my highest weight ever. I was so much more disgusting than I thought."

"I'm totally inhibited. When I'm overweight I will not go out. With my closest friends, yeah. But you wouldn't see me at a premiere."

"I don't know what you're supposed to wear when you're fat," says Alley, who rotates 12 identical Target dresses.

"I haven't been having sex." (In the past, Alley has claimed that she avoids "fat sex.")

Jenny Craig, now just Jenny, has announced a new spokesperson, Mariah Carey, who recently lost weight after the birth of her twins. Celebitchy reports that, at a press conference yesterday, Carey shared these thoughts on her pre- and post-partum figure:

When she was heavy, she always covered up: “I had a towel on in the tub. I’m not lying, I promise you! You think I would let Nick see me looking rancid like that?”

She didn’t want to know how much weight she gained while pregnant: “I didn’t want to know, because why would I want to feel that bad? I know it was a number that I never want to see again.”

Bones: “I had, like, no bones for a while. It’s important to me to feel my bones!” Read more...

Message: Hey you, new mom! Stomach a little pouchy and jiggly? You'd best stay covered up at all times, cause the menz hate a "rancid" fat chick. I know you're busy caring for your new baby, but get thee to Jenny Craig if you value your marriage. You really expect your husband to look at that?\

Is this inspiring or demeaning--A trick to send women who may be feeling insecure about their bodies doing new things post-baby running to give Jenny Craig their money?

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They think we don't see

2011-11-08T11:35:00.000-05:00

Today, Mississippi voters will weigh in on Initiative 26, the so-called Personhood Amendment. If this radical initiative passes, it could effectively outlaw abortion in the state, as well as abolish some common forms of birth control. It seems inconceivable that women are in this place. During the 2008 elections, women were steps from the presidential and vice-presidential spots in government. Yet, three years later, American women are facing dangerous attacks on their access to reproductive healthcare.Without the ability to govern our bodies, to keep them healthy and to decide when and if we use them for childbearing, women are less likely to be secretaries of state or governors. Without the ability to govern our bodies, we are not free.

But those who would deny poor women access to healthcare in Indiana or impose their (non-scientific) view of when life beings on women in Mississippi care less about freedom than holding fast to the reins of their privilege in order to impede social progress. They want to keep women in our "place." And they are betting women, who make up more than half of the electorate, don't notice.

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If you're a bigot when you're angry, you're a bigot all the time

2011-11-03T13:13:00.002-04:00

I've got little love for anyone who spends time cackling with Joan Rivers at other women's looks, but Kelly Osbourne's recent comments are putrid and nasty even for a Rivers acolyte. From The Daily Mail [HT Celebitchy]:

Kelly Osbourne has had perhaps the most embarrassing celebrity break-up of all time. After gushing to the world how in love she was with ex-fiancé Luke Worrall it all went wrong when she found out he had allegedly cheated on her with a transsexual who is awaiting gender reassignment surgery.

Kelly claims that she was absolutely humiliated when she had to tell her parents Ozzy and Sharon that the love of her life had reportedly cheated with Elle Schneider. The 27-year-old told Glamour Magazine: ‘Having to tell them my fiance had cheated on me with a tranny who sold his/her story to the press [was the most uncomfortable moment]. It was so humiliating.’
Osbourne explained how she found it difficult to understand why male model Luke would cheat on her with a man after being together for around a year and a half.

She added to the magazine: ‘Everyone kept telling me that Luke was cheating on me, but I never believed them. It’s hard enough to get your head around someone cheating on you, but when someone is a chick with a d**k? Up until then, I’d always thought that the worst way to get cheated on would be with an ugly girl. Don’t you think?’

The singer has come under fire from Transadvocate.com for her choice of words to describe transgender model Elle Schneider.

Transadvocate.com, which was created by Marti Abernathey, recently posted an article titled Kelly Osbourne’s Transphobic Rant: Humiliated by Chicks With Dicks and Trannys.
The author of the article called Osbourne’s words ‘hate filled’ and Transadvocate.com also took to Twitter and said: ‘@MissKellyO People die because people talk like you did of us. You should learn what being an ally is. Seriously.’

Kelly replied: ‘@transadvocate I APOLOGIZED words can be misinterpreted please stop this it brakes my heart to think i have ever offended any1 that is lgbt (sic).’

After several more exchanges on the social website Kelly realized that Transadvocate.com had called her a ‘bigot’ and pleaded to be left alone.

She said: ‘@transadvocate all u r doing is spreading more hate this needs to stop! i apologized you accepted now please move on and stop this ugliness (sic).’ Read more...

Osbourne's transphobic, hate-filled comments are appalling. Equally appalling are the lengths some people will go to justify bigoted behavior. Take, for instance, some comments about the issue on the Celebitchy gossip site:

This is a tough call…..are the terms pleasant? Nope. Should they be used conversationally? Nope. Would I have called her out for it since she was describing humiliation and heartbreak? Nope, wouldn’t have used THIS precise opportunity to call her a bigot. Girl was heartbroken — she was speaking emotionally……..just, very….PUBLICLY. So, poor choices all around, but none of this feels HATEFUL, at its core.

well while i agree that the phrase may be hurtful to the transexual community as a whole, as far as caring how the words might have hurt Elle, I think Kelly is right to care less. Elle slept with her fiance and then sold the story for $$.

She got cheated on. Of course what she has to say about the situation is not going to be complimentary.

No. This is not how equality works. Unfortunately, this sort of thinking is not uncommon. I've heard similar justifications for outbursts of bigotry, including racism, sexism and homophobia, that happens in the heat of passion.

When you believe that a group of people intrinsically have value equal to your own, you believe it all the time and deep in your heart. This belief is not contingent on your being in a good mood. The belief doesn't go away when a marginalized person makes you angry or annoys you. If you have it in you to use epithets when hurt, then you have it in you all the time.

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The (bluest) eyes have it

2011-11-02T15:26:00.001-04:00

"Adults, older girls, shops, magazines, newspapers, window sign - all the world had agreed that a blue-eyed, yellow-haired, pink-skinned doll was what every girl child treasured. 'Here,' they said, 'this is beautiful, and if you are on this day "worthy" you may have it.'" - Toni Morrison, The Bluest Eye

Is achieving idealized beauty worth a laser to the eye? For some, the answer is yes, based on comments to articles about an LA doctor's new procedure that turns brown eyes blue:

LAGUNA BEACH, Calif. (KTLA) -- If you've always wanted blue eyes, but have brown instead, there might be something you can do to change that.

A doctor in Laguna Beach called Stroma Medical says it can use laser technology to change brown eyes to blue -- permanently -- without damaging vision.

Dr. Gregg Homer has been working on the technology for 10 years. Read more...

When it comes to body image, we live in "don't like it, then change it" times. Suffering from thin hair, laugh lines or a flat ass? That's nothing hair extensions, Botox and booty surgery cannot "fix." But in the age of the dramatic makeover, we shouldn't stop analyzing why certain looks have more social currency than others.

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So, It's not just black women then?

2011-10-31T11:24:00.002-04:00

If you caught my post on Friday, you know I've got love and marriage on my mind, so I read with interest Kate Bolick's tale of not marriage in The Atlantic. Now, the piece has its problems. For instance, it is a little heavy on the "we" talk, suggesting that every woman's experience in the romantic sphere is like that of a white, upper-middle class, white woman. But I admire the piece for the way it makes clear the myriad choices that accompany the modern single life, and the ambivalence and contradiction of it all. I appreciated Bolick's article for not presenting unmarried women as somehow broken. She even considers that singleness can be *gasp* a choice for women.

I also appreciated this:

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What do black women really think about love and marriage?

2011-10-28T14:04:00.000-04:00

Graphic created using image from nedari06

The way our society talks about black women and marriage--from the daily paper to the pulpit to movies and self-help books--is flawed, sexist and damaging. When black women tell their own stories, a more thoughtful truth emerges.

I am working on a project juxtaposing the authentic experiences of African American women with the tragic common narrative about black women and marriage--a narrative that narrows lives, turns black female successes into failures and unfairly burdens us alone with responsibility for the success of black male/female relationships, black families and the black community. My goal is that my efforts will result in a published book.

I am currently working to identify black women to have frank discussions about how they navigate relationships, sexuality, singleness, marriage and divorce. If you, or someone you know, is willing to be a part of this effort, please contact me at Tamara@BackTalkBook.com.

Some things to know:

I am interested in interviewing black women of all ages, backgrounds, geographic locations and experiences. One goal of my effort is to illuminate the lives of women often erased in discussions of the black marriage rate, including married women, divorced women, women who don’t wish to marry, lesbian women, women in interracial relationships and others.

Subjects should be willing to participate in multiple one-on-one interviews both in person and through technology. Initial interviews will be conducted by phone in November. While I will not require an inordinate amount of time from interviewees, I will need to interact with them enough to understand their stories, experiences and perspectives.

Elements of participants' stories, including quotes, will be included in a published work, written by me. Women have the option of being referred to by their full, real names; first names only or a pseudonym.

Beyond the ABC specials, “think like a man” romantic advice tomes and panic-inducing women’s magazine articles, exist the real stories of black women—too often told from another perspective and voice. Everyone is talking about black women and marriage. I want to talk back.

Please help by responding to and sharing this call for participants through your networks. Please direct questions about this project to Tamara@BackTalkBook.com.

What would you say to your 16-year-old self?

2011-10-25T14:48:00.001-04:00

Last night I discovered this charming book called Dear Me: A Letter to My Sixteen-Year-Old Self by Joseph Galliano. The book features letters by 75 people of various fame to their younger selves. Included are notes from folks like Bill T. Jones, John Waters, Erykah Badu, Alan Rickman and Daily Show correspondent Aasif Mandvi, who tells his teenage self "It is that very foreigness, that outsiderness, that feeling of being 'other' that is your power, and your mutability is the gift – use them both!" (The Indian-born Mandvi's family immigrated to England and, eventually, the United States, during his youth.)

When I heard Galliano interviewed on the radio last night, I knew this book would be on my to-read list. Since turning 40, I have, predictably, pondered the many things I would do differently if do-overs were possible. I am not the first person to wish that my young self had been possessed of even half my middle-aged self's wisdom, confidence and self regard. Such is life, though.

Truth be told, there aren't a ton of things I'd change about my life until now, because I believe strongly that every bump and triumph made me the woman I am today--and I'm not so bad, really. But there are a few things I might tell 16-year-old Tami:

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