Lenin: I have the letter V.I. before my name. I think they stand for Vladmir Iliavich or something. But that might be a Dostoyevsky book I’m thinking of. I also do communism.

Mao: You worked with Marx or at least did the same sort of stuff as him. Marx has nothing to do with the American comedians the Marx Brothers. Anyone who thinks that is extremely wrong.

Lenin: Marx and I both did things in Russia. I was such a big deal in Russia that they changed the name of St. Petersburg to Leningrad. But I think they changed it back once I was no longer a big deal. Or when I was dead.

Mao: Speaking of you being dead, your body is still like in Russia or something and people can see it somewhere.

Lenin: Creepy.

Mao: Very.

Lenin: Red Book?

Mao: That is something I either wrote or had something to do with. It has nothing to do with the American women’s magazine by the same name. You would feel stupid if you thought they had anything to do with each other and then found out they did not. Even if you never told anyone you thought that they were related, you would still feel embarrassed.

Lenin: How could anyone think that?

Mao: You’d be surprised…

Lenin: Engels was someone, too, right?

Mao: He was like Marx, but for some reason not as famous. You almost definitely knew him as well.

[Fidel Castro walks in.]

Castro: Hey, you guys talking about communism and how you’re both communists?

Mao: Yes.

Castro: I’m a communist, too. I do my communism down in Cuba.

Mao: I did mine in China. I made shit real communist over there.

Lenin: I communismed the hell out of Russia, but the guy with the ink spot on his head made it less communist.

Mao: That guy with the ink stain on his head is named Gorbachev.

Castro: That guy is definitely named Gorbachev.

Gretzky: I am known as the Great One, leading me to believe I was one of the best hockey players ever.

Mantle: I loved your work in the cartoon ProStars where you, Bo Jackson, and Michael Jordan fought crime and taught kids good lessons.

Gretzky: Yes, we were involved with that show but did not do the voices. Probably because we were professional athletes and don’t have time to do the voices of cartoon characters.

Mantle: I played with Babe Ruth?

Gretzky: I think there’s almost no chance of that. I want to say he played in the ’20s and you played like 30 or 40 years later.

Mantle: Oh right, because of the Billy Crystal movie 61*, which was both about 61 home runs and about the year 1961.

Gretzky: I love the movie Mr. Saturday Night, even though I am probably Canadian and that is an American movie.

Mantle: He’s in one scene in The Princess Bride.

Gretzky: I know.

Mantle: I played with Lou Gehrig?

Gretzky: I think you didn’t. He still seems a lot older than you. Roger Maris is someone you played with definitely. And Don Mattingly is someone who played for the Yankees after you.

Mantle: If a player goes over the blue line before the puck does, he is offsides?

Gretzky: Something like that. Or the person with the puck near their hockey stick has to go past the blue line before another one of their teammates goes past that blue line.

Mantle: A power play is when one team has more players on the ice than the other team.

Gretzky: This is definitely true.

Mantle: Icing is…

Gretzky: Icing is another thing that happens in hockey.

2. Southampton Double Wife

3. It Gets Bitter

4. Harvey’s Milk Stout

5. Paul Lyndemans Framboise

6. Dale’s Pal Al

7. Altlifestylebier

8. Something Borrowed, Something Brewed

9. Stellas’ Amour

10. Adam & Steve’s Nuptiale

11. Slam Dyklewifezen

12. Stonewall Anniversary Ale

13. Beer as Folk

14. Stout of the Closet

15. The Witte Swan

16. Bearfest

17. Bottoms Up Lager

18. Rainbow Braggot

19. Liberation Libation

20. Hoppy Days Are Here…Finally

Juliet: Juliet Capulet? Sounds terrible. Are you sure?

R: I’m not. I remember either thinking that it was this way and that it was weird Shakespeare named us this, or that is was not that way because Shakespeare would never have named you that.

J: Either way, I know one thing for sure: Our families the Montagues and the Capulets hate each other.

R: They are like the Bloods and the Crips.

J: They are exactly like the Bloods and the Crips.

R: And Friar Tuck is someone.

J: He is definitely someone. And a friar is a religious person, like a priest, but maybe a step below that.

R: A friar is like a monk?

J: Sure.

R: And another thing I know about us is that even though it seems like we are adults, we are actually teenagers. Or maybe like 20 or something, but I think even younger.

J: Yes, you are mostly raping me throughout this classic love story.

R: Holy shit, I just realized Friar Tuck has nothing to do with us.

J: What is Friar Tuck from?

R: I defintiely know that name. Umm….

J: Robin Hood!

R: Robin Hood! Exactly. And that was written a long time after we died?

J: Yes, probably hundreds of years. We were alive in the 1600s.

R: Or 1400s, but yes, long before Robin Hood.

J: And just to review, the way we both died was suicide.

R: Yes, you pretended to kill yourself and then I thought you really did and then I killed myself and then you saw that I did and then you did.

J: Wasn’t there a friar involved, though?

R: Yes, but definitely not Friar Tuck.

J: Little John is someone from Robin Hood, too.

Capone: Impossible.

Lansky: Sounds like it would be, right? Because Jewish people are such passive, non-violent pussies.

Capone: They used to be tougher, I guess.

Lansky: Yeah, they used to play professional sports and fight in wars and stuff. I mean, look at Israel. Those guys used to kick the shit out of the countries around them.

Capone: But now…

Lansky: Yeah, now they’re just accountants and lawyers.

Capone: And run the media.

Lansky: Exactly.

Capone: I’m Italian and was in the real mafia. Italians are allowed to be in it, but other people are not. I did most of my mobster work in Chicago.

Lansky: The Valentine’s Day Massacre was something you did.

Capone: Yes, I told people to kill a lot of my enemies all at once and then they did.

Lansky: Still though, a Jew who’s also a badass gangster. Weird.

Capone: Definitely makes no sense. Did you refuse to kill on the Sabbath?

Lansky: Yes, we always took the Sabbath off from killing. You know, because of Moses and the Torah and so forth.

Iglesias: Yes, I’m definitely Spanish. You Italian?

Luce: Probably.

Iglesias: You are fat and a tenor.

Luce: Yes, one of the Three Tenors. There have only been three tenors and I was one of them. I say “was,” because as of recently, I am dead.

Iglesias: Yeah?

Luce: I think it happened a few years ago.

Iglesias: I am still alive though, right?

Luce: Not sure. Probably because you are not that old. Here are the things I know about you that are definitely true: you are a singer, likely Spanish, your last name means church in Spanish, and you have a son who has a mole on his face.

Iglesias: He had the mole removed.

Luce: What? When?

Iglesias: Few years ago.

Luce: Good call.

Iglesias: Yes. He went far too long pretending it was something he was OK with.

Luce: Let us list people we are not.

Iglesias: Jose Feliciano is not me.

Luce: I am not Andrea Bocelli.

Iglesias: We are not Tony Orlando.

Luce: Josh Groban is the American us.

Prince: You would think so, but I think I actually transcend gender. I’ve literally made love to air.

Charles: To completion?

Prince: To completion.

Charles: I am married to a simply terribly looking woman.

Prince: Which doesn’t make sense because because you are literally the prince of England.

Charles: And one day I will be king?

Prince: I don’t know. Not sure how that monarchy shit works.

Charles: Nobody is.

Prince: Your ex-wife Diana was pretty hot though. Why would you cheat on her with that huge horse-like lady?

Charles: Not sure. I’m most likely into some pretty crazy sex shit. I think all of us royals are pretty messed up.

Prince: Like the time your son dressed as a Nazi.

Charles: But the other son is doing pretty awesome, right?

Prince: Yeah, that Kate Middleton is a piece of ass.

Charles: And how about her sister, Pippa?

Prince: Yeah, how about her sister!

Charles: Purple Rain is weird.

Prince: The song or the movie?

Charles: Both I guess.

Prince: Yes, both are pretty weird. I’m incredibly strange.

Rock: I was alive in the 1950s.

Pablo: Yeah, I think I was too.

Rock: Are you sure? It seems like you should be a lot older than that. Like maybe you painted at the same time as Van Gogh and Da Vinci.

Pablo: Those two people did not paint at the same time.

Rock: Are you sure?

Pablo: No, not really.

Rock: Some of what you painted was weird. Remember that whole blue period thing? And then the ones where all the faces are fucked up.

Pablo: Yes, you paint things that are lot more normal, for instance the kid at the end of the diving board or the one with the umpires determining whether they should call a baseball game due to rain. Such important paintings.

Rock: Are you being sarcastic?

Pablo: No, not at all. The kid of the end of the diving board was a groundbreaking work of art. And also very similar to the cover of the Shel Silverstein book Where The Sidewalk Ends.

Rock: You know what man, my paintings made a lot of people happy.

Pablo: I think that’s great. And really who cares if they’re of the same quality as your average college art student.

Rock: Guernica is a thing you did that is impressive.

Pablo: It was big.

Rock: It had to do with the Spanish Civil War?

Pablo: It did.

Rock: This is because you are Spanish?

Pablo: Yes, this is likely because I am Spanish.

Hep: Yeah, except maybe I didn’t die young.

Dean: That’s true. I’m just assuming you did, because you were in Breakfast at Tiffany’s and then maybe nothing else.

Hep: Sabrina?

Dean: With Greg Kinnear?

Hep: No, the original.

Dean: I don’t know, maybe. And then you died?

Hep: What about Roman Holiday?

Dean: Oh yeah, right. It sounds like maybe you were in a lot of movies. Why do I think you died young then?

Hep: Because people only know that one picture of me when I’m young and wearing long gloves and smoking a cigarette from a cigarette holder.

Dean: So you didn’t die young then.

Hep: Maybe I grew up to be Katherine Hepburn?

Dean: Are you fucking kidding me?

Hep: Sort of. It’s very unlikely that I grew up to be her, right?

Dean: I think impossible.

Hep: Was she my mom or something?

Dean: Or you were hers.

Hep: Right, maybe I was hers.

Dean: All I know is I did Rebel Without a Cause, then two other movies, then crashed a car and died.

Hep: And as a result you’re eternally young, handsome, and awesome.

Dean: Almost worth doing it that way, really. Otherwise you could end up being Mickey…

Hep: [Interrupting] Mickey Rourke. I was just gonna say that.

Dean: What’s wrong with his face?

Hep: And body.

Dean: Yeah, and his body.

Hep: That Jimmy Dean sausage thing have anything to do with you?

Dean: I wish.

GB: No, Brown.

CP: My name, I mean. Isn’t it something Harper?

GB: That sounds right.

CP: Steven?

GB: Oh, I have no idea. Could be anything. Might not even be Harper.

CP: I can’t even name a single Canadian prime minister before me.

GB: Nobody can. You literally could be the first one ever.

CP: Before you were prime minister, it was Tony Blair. There are a lot of movies where someone plays him.

GB: Yes, Michael Sheen played him once.

CP: Related to Charlie?

GB: No, Charlie’s real last name is Estevez.

CP: Oh, right, I knew that.

GB: A prime minister does “blank.”

CP: A prime minister does…governing?

GB: Yeah, maybe.

CP: I think we’re like the president of the country, but maybe not as powerful.

GB: So Canada has a government just like other countries?

CP: Definitely. We have an army and laws just like real countries.

GB: But you’re also kind of a colony of England?

CP: I don’t know about the whole colony thing, but I think your queen is also our queen. I know there’s a picture of her on our money.

GB: Helen Mirren played her in the same movie that Michael Sheen played Tony Blair.

CP: Are Parliament and Congress the same thing?

GB: Yes, everything about England is the same as America, but with a different name.

CP: Like lifts are elevators.

GB: Exactly. And chips are French Fries.

CP: In Canada, hockey is a thing we do and like.