whoopsgolly.com

Sticky Toon #47

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 11:10:00 PDT

Sticky Toon #46

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 11:09:00 PDT

Sticky Toon #45

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 11:09:00 PDT

Sticky Toon #44

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 11:08:00 PDT

Megaboom: Dear Noah. Bears. End Transmission.

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 14:22:44 PDT

How many kinds of bitches are there?? Find out today! Noah encountered a bear, Eliana encountered a Molly Shannon, and I encounter Soap or Nope, the game show that's sweeping the nation! Enjoy.

Sticky Toon #43

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 11:07:01 PDT

Sticky Toon #42

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 11:06:00 PST

Sticky Toon #41

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 11:05:00 PST

Megaboom: Nature Hour, Compressed and Limited!

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 11:28:14 PST

Mexicans, frogs, space gambling, and REAL TIME COMPRESSION AND LIMITING!!!! (shoots off big toe in excitement)

Sticky Toon #40

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 11:04:00 PST

Sketchcast: Craigslist Jobs

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 13:06:22 PST

Sticky Toon #39

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 11:02:00 PST

Sticky Toon #38

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 11:00:30 PST

Sticky Toon #37

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 10:00:01 PST

Sticky Toon #36

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 10:00:03 PST

Biblioburro: Bookmobile of the Future!

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 11:15:20 PST

FACE PUNCHIN'!! We talk Biblioburro! Plus, Kevin Pedersen shows up to rep MegaboomRadioVault.com... or maybe ReppinThaVault.com... I'm not really sure. Also, we welcome back a very special Hollywood Blitz. Noah and I present some Oscar Sequels we have to look forward to, and I have a serious train-wreck! But you have to wait till the end to heeeeear iiiiit!

Sticky Toon #35

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 10:00:03 PST

Sticky Toon #34

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 10:00:01 PST

Sticky Toon #33

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 10:00:05 PST

Anubis Is A Thing!

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 11:15:39 PST

We talk Lost and it turns out, it really is a thing! Plus Clip Machine, a new game, and Chatroulette. Can't get enuff o' dem balls!

Sticky Toon #32

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 10:00:01 PST

I LOVE TREES! Vol. 1

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 14:37:15 PST

If there's one thing about me that's true, it's that I LOVE TREES! They're great. They're tall and green and they make oxygen, which we need to live -- it's true, look it up!

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, Lars. If you like trees so much, why do you live in Los Angeles? Why don't you live someplace with more of them?" To that I say, "Hey! There are plenty of trees right here in L.A., you just have to know where to look." So, I want to use my substantial public forum to get the word out about trees in my neck of the wood. Behold:

This right here is a glorious balsam fir, or, Abies Balsamea, that I found. Note the narrow, conic crown. To be honest, I thought these trees were relegated to the American Northeast and Canada, but I guess I was wrong!

The resin of Abies Balsamea is used to make Canadian balsam, traditionally used as a cold remedy, but also as a glue or spicy sandwich sauce. Balsams are often the species of choice when it comes to selecting a Christmas tree -- but don't go chopping this one down! It's on private property. Still that doesn't stop you from dropping by to bask in its beauty, like these children here are doing.

Well, that's I LOVE TREES for this week. Keep checking in as I find more and more trees. They're everywhere! Trees!

Sticky Toon #31

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 10:00:00 PST

Dixiecrats on Chat Roulette

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 11:16:02 PST

We meet Hollywood Blitz, we award Roland Burris, and I'm a Dixiecrat? Also, Chat Roulette. 9 out of 10 chats is ball touchin'!

Sticky Toon #30

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 10:00:03 PST

Sticky Toon #29

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 10:00:00 PST

Sticky Toon #28

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 09:02:07 PST

And The Winner Is...

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 01:29:02 PST

...You! Here's your reward... (unwrap) WHOA!! A podcast! Enjoy.

Sticky Toon #27

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 15:45:05 PST

Owl Fucker

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 10:02:24 PST

Owl fucker. Enjoy.

Fight Series: Bout #2

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 10:20:06 PST

Guess what? It's on a tee-shirt!

Now, in Brilliant STEREO SOUND!

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 17:34:58 PST

I get caught in another word loop, of sorts, and we contemplate the robo-apocalypse. Enjoy.

Fight Series: Bout #1

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 18:11:26 PST

Guess what? It's on a tee-shirt!

Screenshot - (02.14.10)

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 23:30:51 PST

simpleton #7

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 20:04:51 PST

A Crazy Animation I Did A Whiles Back

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 18:41:15 PST

simpleton #7

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 14:33:01 PST

When The Inmates Run the Asylum

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 08:29:03 PST

I GET TO TAKE CHARGE OF THE SHOW!!! WEEEEEE!! Enjoy.

simpleton #6

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 13:41:47 PST

Dead Possum Jack Predicts the Superbowl, Correctly

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 11:21:55 PST

Some good stuff today -- possum Ouija boards, Brent gets pwned, and songs about animal friends who go to space. Enjoy.

simpleton #5

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 21:32:22 PST

WHOOPSGOLLY STORE IS NOW OPEN!!

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 11:23:33 PST

CLICK PICTURE BELOW FOR FANTASTIC MERCHANDISE!!

***QUESTION TIME***

Q: What kind of products exist at the whoopsgolly Store?

A: T-shirts, mugs, coozies, sweatshirts, cutting boards, aprons and more emblazoned with things I find hilarious! Buy them!

Q: Is it just whoopsgolly toons on tee shirts?

A: No way! There are plenty of original designs you haven't even seen yet. Go check 'em out! I think it's all great.

Q: I'm fat/tall/a child or lady... are there a variety of sizes and colors?

A: There sure are! The store is hosted by Printfection, so I can provide you with an unparalleled variety of sizes and colors -- all printed on demand. So buy things!

Q: Are things expensive?

A: Most things are totally reasonable! Base prices are set by Printfection based on their costs/how much of a profit they want to make, and I try to make a couple dollars on each shirt sold. All the money goes back to whoopsgolly.

Q: What if I can't find a toon from the site that I would really like to buy a tee-shirt of?

A: Tell me and I'll make it! Just e-mail me at overlord@whoopsgolly.com and I'll make it happen.

Q: Can I touch you?

A: If buying whoopsgolly merchandise is like touching me, then touch away!

Thanks for shopping,

Lars

simpleton #4

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 08:48:07 PST

Sandwich! Sandwich! by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 09:59:13 PST

Craigslist Crap, fat songs, crazy clack-yell songs, and CIGARETTES! Enjoy.

Sticky Toon #26

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 00:11:47 PST

CAUTION! This One Not For Mom

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 19:00:27 PST

Today on Megaboom we get nasty! Damn nasty! Woo!! Okay, it's mostly Kevin Pedersen that gets nasty, but I'm a willing accessory to it. Enjoy.

Sticky Toon #25

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 13:17:45 PST

No Idea What This Is, But It Makes Me Pee Myself...

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 19:43:07 PST

Sticky Toon #24

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 14:54:58 PST

Sticky Toon #23

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 19:48:10 PST

Sticky Toon #22

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 12:11:08 PST

Megaboom: Fantastic Max vs. Bag Full of Glue

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 06:39:14 PST

We take on ghetto tours, the vacancy left by Air America at AM 1150, and hit 80's (German?) cartoon show Fantastic Max! Noah looks up the theme song and gets a little trigger happy with his refresh button, but we let him have his fun. Yup, 5 minutes of fun a day, whether he likes it or not! Enjoy.

Clinical Depression Is Hilarious

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 00:27:47 PST

Chimprovement

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 00:17:38 PST

Sticky Toon #21

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 15:49:39 PST

Megaboom: Brent Goes to a Party, the Studio Floods, and Clip Machine

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 21:53:39 PST

Today we tackle issues as diverse as fat ladies and fat ladies' friends. Also, Clip Machine returns! AND we take on the news in: NEWS HAT -- ATTAAAAAAAACK!!!!! Enjoy

Sticky Toon #20

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 10:28:16 PST

Sticky Toon #19

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 01:36:49 PST

Sticky Toon #18

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 13:01:31 PST

Sticky Toon #17

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 13:48:21 PST

Sex Robot Lars Vista

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 09:36:36 PST

A man in New Jersey invented a sex robot. The biggest surprise wasn’t that it was invented in Japan, but that they used Lars’ voice. Get ready for a weird show. Speaking of weird shows, apparently, the Today show was originally hosted by Garrison Keillor and a chimpanzee. Sarah Palin has a new show where she finds out what America cares about. One step ahead of you crazy big head moose lady. Finally, Jennifer Love Hewitt suggests bedazzling your vagina. Don’t have a vagina? Thank God. Right now, do it.

Sticky Toon #16

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 01:35:51 PST

Sticky Toon #15

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 23:40:03 PST

Sticky Toon #14

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 16:44:03 PST

A Slice of Life

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 16:30:33 PST

simpleton #3

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 10:13:00 PST

Anatomy of McCafé Coffee

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 00:20:17 PST

Mojito, the Time Traveling Latin Pool Boy

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 14:50:29 PST

Kesha should never be interviewed by old people. Lars and Eliana escape the Doomsday clock with the help of McCafes while Cioffi prepares the nerd revolt against the evil empire of Brent’s monotone. Another episode of Cragslist Crap, helmed by local comedian Kate Frisbee, introduces us to Mojito, the time traveling Latin pool boy. Some people are getting depressed after watching Avatar. We make fun of them. Finally, who the hell writes family circus?

Sticky Toon #13

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 07:16:59 PST

Sticky Toon #12

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 22:28:34 PST

I’m a Man Damnit, Where is My Skirt?

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 20:18:15 PST

We talk kilts! And apparently, I'm delightful!

Sticky Toon #11

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 14:00:29 PST

Sticky Toon #10

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 11:30:03 PST

Megaboom: Jet Toilet Dreams, Hippos, and the Clip Machine!

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 09:52:08 PST

Guests Danny Ricker and Adam Fischer crank up the Clip Machine, reviewing this week in terrible television. Noah’s dad travels to South Africa and eats a springbok (food animal). Eliana searches Craigslist for garbage. Brent fantasizes about jet toilets and Lars solves racism.

Sticky Toon #9

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 09:20:57 PST

Sketchcast: Cats & Lamps

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 17:13:16 PST

Woodland Journal: Hunting Technique

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 10:50:40 PST

Day 41:

Well, I can't believe all the venison is gone... but it is. The good news is that it looks like that crazy plant disease is subsiding (the one that made vegetation bleed black and scream like a baby when you take a bite). No secret how I found that out. I really have to stop falling with my mouth open. Anyway, I guess it's back to peat moss for me... oh no (chuckle). Wow, sarcastic eye-rolls are hard to write out.

Having spent the last few weeks as a hunter, I feel a little weird about going back to plants. I was getting so good at hunting! However, I prefer plants, as long as they're not bleeding and screaming at me -- which all animals do, crazy disease or no.

On the off chance that I have to start hunting again, I have decided to detail my methods here.

Step 1: Find animals. If you know where they are, great. If not, listen for animal sounds. They usually sound like, "Oooh! Oooh! Ah, ah, ah!" or "Caw! Caw!" or "Hey, Jim... you see that pair of eyes with the knife staring at us through the leaves?"

Step 2: Attack! You'd be surprised how little a weapon matters for most animals. Some kinds of birds will just be so shocked, they'll have a heart attack and fall down right there. However, if the animal looks mean, sharp, or toothy, you'll probably want a weapon. My weapon of choice? The boulder. Around here, there are plenty of them. Just find some high ground and push. You don't even need to be super precise because most animals walk INTO the path of the boulder. They must think, "Hey, what's that thing rolling towards me? That looks exciting. I think I'll say hello."

Step 3: Eat. I bet a lot of people prepare the food they eat ahead of time (i.e. cut away fur, cook meat, etc.) but I take care of that by making all my attacks by the ole fire pit, so they just fall right in. They're cooked by the time I get down there. And I always attack clean, hairless animals, like pigs and penguins and such.

Alright, better go dig up some peat moss. A lot of it is still obscured by the black blood, but it actually brings out that rich, peaty taste... still, if it would rain soon that would be great.

Sticky Toon #8

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 08:39:49 PST

Sticky Toon #7

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 12:27:58 PST

Sticky Toon #6

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 16:55:49 PST

From whoopsgolly.com

Chicken Rape

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 14:03:41 PST

Now I know what it sounds like.

Sticky Toon #5

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 10:31:50 PST

From whoopsgolly.com

Sticky Toon #4

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 09:09:09 PST

From whoopsgolly.com

simpleton #2

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 20:19:03 PST

From whoopsgolly.com

Sticky Toon #3

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 19:26:58 PST

From whoopsgolly.com

simpleton #1

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 16:35:48 PST

From whoopsgolly.com

Sticky Toon #2

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 18:38:16 PST

From whoopsgolly.com

Sticky Toon #1

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 15:51:31 PST

From whoopsgolly.com

Woodland Journal: Tent Life

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 17:45:41 PST

Day 15:

Went through the last of the cabin wreckage today. Again, there wasn't much to speak of. Just some bent cans of bread and a few more leftover bottles of the Captain's delicious alchy-brine. Seriously, I've probably pushed two dozen boulders down mountainsides in my life, never once did I ever cause any harm that I know of. Not sure where the Captain went. Found his clothes and peg leg with a pile of meat around it. He probably off with one of his "Lasses" or something. Can someone tell me what "Lasses" are, please?

Anyway, I've been forced to pitch a tent. That is, I threw some old carpet I found over a low hanging branch. Tent life is alright, but I can tell I have some things to learn. Here are some basic rules I've discovered since pitching my tent:

1) If you get the hankering for a fireplace and want to cut a hole in the roof of the tent -- don't. Chances are, even if you get it working, it's going to rain eventually and then you just have smoke and water on your hands. That's not good for anything, unless you're looking for a reason to sing "Smoke On The Water", but even then, the relationship is tenuous at best.

2) If you can, try to use a tent with a closing door. It keeps things out. For some reason, a tent with two open sides is a green light for wolves and such to run right through. It's like some kind of game for them. Not much of a game, I know, but come on, they're wolves.

3) If you're trying to ward off unwanted visitors, don't bother painting a frowny face on the side of your tent. Oddly enough, this just makes people more curious.

4) You can't hang pictures in tents, so don't bother hammering nails in the tent walls.

5) Tents don't need to be properly zoned, so you're pretty safe tenting most places. That said, don't pitch a tent in anyone's house.

6) Sometimes tents are hard to set up, but don't get too frustrated. Tents are inanimate and dont feel it when you hit them.

7) If you read rule #6 and think, "Hey, if tents can't feel pain, why can't we make tent soldiers to fight our wars for us?" just forget that right now. I already came up with that idea and it's mine.

8) Tents are not soundproof and the woods are pretty scary sounding at night. Here's the good news: sounds can't hurt you. Just imagine you're sleeping in your grandparents basement. Imagine those wolf howls as creaks coming from the water heater, imagine owl hoots as drips from a leaky pipe, imagine leaves rustling as your grandfather crying about the onset of Alzheimer's.

9) Tents are not impervious to fire, so if a forest fire does occur, pack up and leave instead of just blowing raspberries from your tent at the approaching flames.

10) If for some reason you lose, burn, or eat your tent in a hunger pang induced madness, there are plenty of other places to find shelter in the woods. There are knotholes in trees, eagles nests, leaf piles, dried out bogs, hollowed logs -- really, just follow an animal back to its home and take it as your own. Keep in mind, your new shelter is just as susceptible to damage as your tent is, so be careful... unless you found a way to live in a boulder. If you did, congratulations. I think you're the top of the food chain now.

Sketchcast: Breakfast

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 17:06:52 PST

Hey!

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 22:43:01 PST

Hey! Guy with the big hat at the movies! What's your deal? You chose today to wear your big novelty hat? Come on, man. Some of us just want to watch a movie! And hey, stop making the foam hands on the front of your hat "clap" every time Robin Williams says something witty to John Travolta. Okay, maybe do it once or twice, just so we get how the hat works... but after that, knock it off! We get the idea.

Hey! Guy standing in front of the apartment building! What gives? All you do is stand out in front of your apartment building all day long. Is your apartment really that bad? Are you selling drugs or watches or something? Whatever it is, I'm not buying! Are you some kind of community watch guy? I don't see a badge. Spend some time indoors, for Pete's sake, so I can take stuff from your apartment building's laundry room without feeling awkward.

Hey! Tellers at the bank that won't cash my checks! Get off your high horses, already! What - my bum checks aren't good enough for you? You complain they're not issued by any "bank" and aren't made out of "paper". Well, last time I checked your name is Mr. or Mrs. So-and-so: Bank Teller, not Bank and Paper Validation Specialist. Just because I keep my money in an old pipe doesn't mean I'm any different from anyone else.

Hey! Cereal boxes! What's this with all the prizes and toys inside you? Isn't cereal enough? I can't pour a bowl of cereal without a toy or DVD or death threats plopping out. If I want any of those things, I'll go to the stores that sell those things! I can also presume you're responsible for the death threats in my mail and in my bed. Don't your lackeys have anything better to do than stick notes all over the place? Sounds like kind of needless expenditure in this economy. Oh, by the way...

Hey! Economy! Why are you still so bad? It's so hard to find a job. Employers aren't so willing to just brush off my extensive history of workplace negligence/rioting anymore... I have to bribe them! My money pipe's taken a big enough of a hit this year as it is without having to grease some desk jockey whose desk I'm just going to poop on in a couple months. Get a grip!

Hey! Santa! What's your problem? In eight years you haven't given me any gifts! Ever since my parents died in that horrible train wreck it's like you're a ghost. What - were you on the train with them or something? Were you three just sitting there on the train before impact with that lake thinking, "Gee, this will be a great way to keep Lars from getting presents ever!" Gimme a break! I'd think you were blaming me for the accident, if it weren't for the fact that you haven't even taken the trouble to give me coal! I needed answers, so obviously I ask random people on the bus like I do... "Have you noticed Santa is slowing down?" They just look at me like I'm the slow one. Just get your head in the game already.

Geez.

Woodland Journal: Bear Cave

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:19:59 PST

Day 9:

Another day closes trapped in the bear cave. I can still hear them growling outside - two days of straight growling! Don't they ever get tired of it? I mean, on one level it's impressive. I get hoarse after thirty minutes of growling, but these things? Forget it. They're just a bunch of growl machines. Maybe bears don't growl with their throat, though. Maybe they have some kind of growly gland. That would explain things. I dunno, who cares.

I appologize for rambling... I think I'm going mad from eating grubs and moss. That's all that's in here, other than rocks, of course. And stalagmites/tites. I just call 'em 'mites' and 'tites'. They're the closest things I have to friends in here. I cut my shin open on one yesterday, by the way.

Anyway, I tried to leave the cave again, but there were twelve bears at the mouth of the cave this time! Twice as many as yesterday! That's got to be it, right? All the bears? Aren't they endangered or something? This has got to be some kind of gypsy spell. I knew I shouldn't have peed on that old Romanian woman's heirlooms when I was drunkenly stumbling through her shanty on my way back home from town last week - but I had to go! Sue me!

Honestly, I didn't even know it was possible to get trapped in a cave. Every cave I've ever been through has been a great shortcut! Most have paved roads and lights and traffic. It's like some kind of cosmic joke. It's left me with a lot of questions about God... chiefly, whether or not God is actually a bear, rolling around laughing on a bed of salmon. Probably with some humans riding around him on tricycles wearing clown suits or something.

I'm changing my escape strategy tomorrow. Instead of announcing my presence to the bears saying "NIIIIICE BEARS! GOOOOOOD BEARS!" in my trademark scared German accent, I'm going to sneak out. I almost forgot how often sneaking has worked in movies. I've been fashioning a bear disguise out of moss and grubs... hopefully I'll at least look unappetizing. Still, I better go practice my growl scales just in case. I can tell you this much: if I ever get out of this, I am never taking another cave shortcut again... unless I'm in a big hurry, anyway.

Sketchcast: Weather

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 10:42:48 PST

Another Podcast?

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 23:07:18 PST

Hello friends. Angry that the whoopsgolly podcast isn't frequent enough? Well, you'll be happy to know that I, Lars, can now be heard on yet ANOTHER podcast! MEGABOOM RADIO:

Listen to MEGABOOM!!

From the hit producing team that brought you THE ADAM CAROLLA PODCAST and THE GREG FITZSIMMONS EXPERIENCE, MEGABOOM RADIO features a rowdy group of intellectuals rehashing the funniest events of the past week -- making them even funnier than before! It's magic!

Enjoy. Hopefully this will make a dent in the pleas for more Lars/death threats.

Woodland Journal: The Captain's Arrival

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 12:45:37 PST

Day 6:

Well, it's been a rough first week, but I'm making progress. My canning is getting better (you have to use canning salt, not grass clippings), I found the bathroom (remember that tarp covered hole I kept falling into? THAT'S the bathroom! Go figure.) and my fires have never been more non-tire based. A lot of my progress I owe to the Captain. Who is the Captain, you say? That's what I said, too! Weird. Let me regale you of our meeting.

So, Day 2, I'm clinging to a badger for warmth. That badger really didn't want me there and I have the lacerated left nostril, ankle, thumb, shin and other shin to prove it. I didn't care. Those things are warm. And, after I couldn't find tires for the fire, chased a badger in anger and, much to my surprise, caught it, I decided it was the only way I could survive the night... Then, a harpoon came out of nowhere, pinning me up against a mighty oak. The badger went free (and so did my left nostril, technically) and a man emerged from the shadows... The Captain.

I shook his hook to introduce myself, and once he realized I wasn't a bear, he shot another harpoon to cut me loose. After he harpooned a trail back to his home, a rusty, landlocked crab trawler, I explained my situation. I detailed my trials with fire, canning, and reading. He took pity on me and has since dedicated the last four days to teaching me the ways of the woods.

Legend has it that the Captain and his ship were thrust out into the woods by a 300 foot tall wave, created by Neptune, who was angry that the Captain had become the first to beat him in an undersea poker tournament (fixed limit Omaha Hi-Lo). But I don't typically give much thought to Legend, after all, he's the Captain's Native American guide, not mine.

I'm not sure who or what brought the Captain here, I'm glad he/she/it did. Ohp -- the Captain just harpooned the dinner bell. Time to eat! Mmm... canned Scrod with... grass clippings. Oops. I'll figure it out eventually.

Bradley And Fezziwig: The House Slave

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 18:03:25 PST

Drew on plane. Apologies to the kid sitting next to me.

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 13:18:11 PST

From whoopsgolly.com

Woodland Journal: Fog

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 12:44:44 PST

Day 1:

As the morning sun crested the old hill and fog settled on the old lake, I thought I'd take my new puppy, Grandpa, out for a walk... but it was just too darn foggy. You know that kind of fog that rolls in, forming little hands as it chases after you? Y'know, the kind that sounds like distant screams for help? Yeah, that kind of fog. So we went back inside.

Country living has been hard on me. I don't know how to start a fire, I'm awful at canning, and I'm not sure where the bathroom is, yet. Oddly enough, my months of preparing for the trip by playing "Oregon Trail" has left me scratching my head. But I'll discuss the perils of public computer use another time -- in spite of all my problems so far, I've dedicated myself to finishing my book. Then, after I get a sense of how a book goes, I'll start writing one of my own.

Well, the fog is rolling out. There are still a couple screams, but I think it's safe. I'll take Grandpa out for a walk now. Hopefully one of us can find the bathroom before the day is out.

Take That, Air Bud

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 12:38:23 PST

Lars and Kevin attack the defenseless and muse on comedic vehicles for animals.

Get Involved: Healthcare

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 10:56:51 PST

I don't often do this, but we're at a crossroads here. The Senate is about to engage in a debate over its version of the healthcare bill. I know for many, it's tough to just sit back and watch history pass by, so here are some of my sure-fire tips for how YOU can get involved!

- Marching: People like to march in groups, but that requires planning. I prefer to march on my own. Especially in a scary outfit around some corner. Then, when someone comes around said corner, I've really concentrated my impact. Try to avoid marching in Senior Communities, by the way.

- Cold Calling: This is just picking up the phone, mashing the buttons, and talking to whoever comes up on the other line. Try to focus on people who are grieving or just woke up -- they're the most susceptible to your talking points.

- Facebooking: Just copy and paste a photo of a bandaged pet into your status and just write "healthcare reform" underneath. It'll be sure to move someone more powerful than you to take action. Generations ago, people preferred MySpacing to Facebooking. Just a little history there. Don't use MySpace for anything.

- Viral Marketing: Create an eye catching advertisement, like a used band-aid that says "touch me" right above it. A couple weeks later, your unsuspecting public will be so sick they'll have to take an interest in healthcare reform. This also works with putting raw sewage in the water supply, or just not washing your hands.

- Piggybacking: Should President Obama sign the bill into law, go in and throw your signature on there! Anywhere's fine -- no one ever looks at those things again, and you'd be surprised how little security there is once those documents have been signed. Ask for Murray in "Records", throw him a Mad Magazine, then get to signin'.

There! Now that you've helped shape history, find another issue you care about -- and feel free to experiment with these methods. After all, history doesn't happen, it's made... by people with the scariest marching costume possible. Have fun!

Falcon Grey

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 19:47:56 PST

You will call me Falcon Grey.

I Hit A Gypsy

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:00:45 PST

I was driving to the bank, and guess what... I hit another gypsy today. That's the fourth gypsy this month, the fifteenth since the beginning of October. It's like some sort of government conspiracy or something. But what kind of government would stage such a conspiracy? That doesn't make much sense.

It started on October 1st at around 4PM. I was on my way to get my first sandwich of the month: a Chicken Parmesan sandwich. Yum, I know. To be honest, I wasn't even looking at the road. I was just following the dot on my phone's GPS, which is a little game I like to play, y'know, just to see how close I can park to my destination without using my eyes. Honestly, I don't know how blind people do it consistently. I mean, sure, sometimes I can get surprisingly close! But not this time. This time I hit a gypsy.

Her name was Esmeralda. She wasn't hurt, but I did break some ornate vase filled with dust or something. I kept asking questions and answering them myself, like, "Why were you carrying that around?" and then, "That seems dumb." I think I was nervous. Then, with an outstretched, trembling hand, she whispered something foreign. I laughed (my natural reaction when I hear foreign talk) but when I was done dong my best old, drunken gypsy impression to the crowd of onlookers (great crowd) she had vanished!

That was the first gypsy I hit, but it wasn't the last. I hit one pulling into a Sonic, one turning off the highway, two driving up a parking garage ramp (one on level 2, one on level 4), two pulling out of the Sonic, two pulling into a drive in movie theater, one opening up my door, one doing donuts at the High School parking lot (kind of my bad), ALMOST hit one in Gypsy Town, then three standing in a line as soon as I left Gypsy Town (figures, right?), then the one today. I don't care who you are -- that's a lot of gypsies.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Gee, Lars. You must be in jail right now, what with all these gypsies piling up." Well, not so! I'm blogging from my sittin' bucket, like I always do -- safe at home. No legal recourse, no jail time. Why? Well, here's the thing I learned, when you hit a gypsy they do two things: utter some spooky foreign gibberish and then... they vanish. I reported each and every incident, but by the time the cops arrive all I've got to show for my kooky story is a dented car. And then the patronizing cops start saying, "Ohhhh suuuure, we believe you... A lot of vanishing gypsy cases this time of day, uhuh..." with their winks and their nods. I really hate that. But can I blame them? If I were me listening to myself explain it, I think I'd look pretty crazy, don't you?

Why is this happening? I was talking to my friend Mike, and HE thinks that all that funny foreign gypsy talk have been curses. That made sense to me, but Mike has a way of putting things that just makes him sound like an idiot. So I called him an idiot and walked away. But even if they are curses, aren't curses supposed to be bad for me and not them? Why would they want me to keep hitting and vanishing them? It just doesn't make much sense. Plus, I have to say, ever since I started hitting gypsies... I haven't felt better! Food tastes better, sleep is more satisfying, the upper respiratory infection I had when I hit the first gypsy cleared up immediately, and I can hover! In fact, I seem to be growing stronger and more powerful with each gypsy I hit. The only annoyance, really, are the recurring dents on my car... but I don't really mind it. Sure it's unsightly, but, y'know, it had a couple dents in it from before. Besides, it still gets me from A to B.

I guess the real question is what happens to the gypsies AFTER they vanish?? Do they cease to be, or are they transported back to their homes (Teepees?) no harm done? I ask not because of some desire to perceive the world beyond, but to figure out if the "Gypsy Buster" gypsy elimination service I'm launching next month can deliver on its promises. Y'know, people call in, say, "I've got this gypsy on my front lawn hangin' around the birdfeeder, can you take care of it?" Then I go over there, I got sort of a safari big game hunter outfit I wear, y'know, part of the show. After that I just drive around for a while... odds are I'll get 'em eventually. Then I collect my fifty bucks and go home. Hey, this is a rough economy right now, I've got to monetize this gift I have. Yes, I know it's weird to look at it that way, but it is a gift. I've found my calling. It's liberating! Never again will I have to suffer through another Thanksgiving listening to Aunt Matilda drone on and on about her Comptroller son. Finally, I'll be able to knock the crescent roll out of her hand and tell her, "Save it, Matty... because I'm doing my own thing. I've found my star. I murder gypsies for fifty dollars."

Keeping Halloween Alive

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:46:03 PST

So, Halloween is over, but that doesn't mean the Halloween spirit can't live on inside all of us! Here are some ways to keep Halloween throughout the upcoming holiday season (and make sure others do the same)...

- Instead of saying "cool" try saying "spooky".

- Next time you're in a bank or a post office, ask them where all the halloween candy went. When they try to explain, just look really sad.

- When you go to the supermarket, make a habit of replacing apples with tiny pumpkins. Eventually, the higher ups will get the message.

- Start wearing costumes and carrying a bag of candy in public. Skip around, sing, and always look like you're having a great time. You'd be surprised how infectious that kind of enthusiasm is.

- Throw some Santa hats on your Jack-O-Lanterns and, voila! No more carolers.

- Instead of saying "yes" try saying "murder".

- File some complaints against your co-workers, identifying them as witches. You'd be surprised, most Human Resource departments actually have paperwork for this.

- Try making Jack-O-Lanters out of other holiday symbols, like a turkey or baby Jesus.

- If you get a Christmas card in the mail, send it right back with some cool, gory hand-scrawled doodles.

- Make every Christmas gift you give a screamer.

- Any time you see a calendar, replace "Thanksgiving" with "Hallowhoa" and "Christmas" with "Mr. Spookington's Haunt"

- Make a point to scream "BOO!" every time you walk around a corner.

- Instead of eating apple pie, try brains.

There. If those methods don't work or get you put in jail, you're probably doing it wrong. Keep trying, and have a great Hallowhoa!

Find Us On Podcast Alley! {pca-89443f033bd5cdf5c6673096c076ddc5}

Halloween Spooktacular

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:51:35 PST

Lars and Kevin "scare" up some "laughs" in their first annual Halloween Spooktacular!

Ready, Set... JOB!

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:43:11 PDT

Let's face it -- job interviews are hard. I've gone on more job interviews than I can count (oneteen?), and sometimes I can still feel like a babe in the woods (see "Meaningless Analogies" below). Having a great interview is dependent on practice, preparation, and hard work... but, come on, the game's on. So, you wake up hung over with a butt on your thing and a thing in your butt, and you realize you have an interview. You gotta go and you're not ready. Here are some last minute tips to STAND OUT!

1. Dude, Where's My JOB INTERVIEW?!? (RECORD SCRATCH)

One minute you're driving purposefully to the job interview that could change your life, the next you're nervously handing your resume to a cactus in a vacant lot. First you wonder if this is the job for you... then you realize, it was EAST Mansfield, not WEST Mansfield! This would never have happened if you got the address right, but it's too late for that -- what you need now is a sweet excuse. Call up your prospective employer and don't just tell them that you're running late, or that traffic is bad -- give them a real doozy! After all, this is your first impression. STAND OUT! Choose a dramatic excuse that emphasizes how awesome you are:
- "I found a space rock that, through legitimate science, has heightened all of my marketable job skills."
- "I got roped into a historical re-enactment due to my striking resemblance to George Washington."
- "I saw your competitors on a corporate outing. I systematically gave them all wedgies and noogies. Anyway, they offered me a six figure salary... ball's in your court."

2. Meaningless Analogies

They've bought your excuse (of course) and now you're sitting across from the Hiring Manager... but, he's peppering you with all these tough, probing questions about "foreign investment risk matrix" and "lack of employment history" and so on. All you can think about is the comforting desolation of that vacant lot, but don't stall -- STAND OUT! If presented with a question you don't know the answer to (or can't understand) just throw out some old timey cliches:

Hiring Manager: "So, Lars, what's your take on accretable yield?"
Lars: "Dollars to doughnuts!"
Hiring Manager: "...What?"
Lars: "A miss is as good as a mile."
Hiring Manager: "I'm... sorry. I think you should leave."
Lars: "An old dog for a hard road."
Hiring Manager: "Oh, okay. I get where you're coming from. Good save."

See? Just keep throwing them out there -- eventually you'll hit on one that they think makes sense. No one knows what any of those things mean.

3. Sealing The Deal

So, you've nailed the interview and it's time to say goodbye. There are a couple ways to do this:
- A handshake and a smile are as good a way to go out as any... but in this economy you have to, that's right, STAND OUT! Offer the handshake, but slickly pull it away to stroke your flowing mane as you slink out with a frown. When it comes time to hire, you can bet the higher-ups will be saying, "Who was that frowny cool guy?? He meant business."
- Cleverly fold a twenty dollar bill and press it into the palm of your hand. Then, cleverly unfold it and hold it right up to the Hiring Manager, proudly. Knowing you're the kind of man that can get twenty dollars will put you over the top, for sure.
- Everybody leaves an interview through the door. Come on... are you really just another door using sheep? Look around for your nearest air duct, window, or security exit. Also, as you leave, yell random numbers and animals into your wrist. Exiting with a "EAGLE! ONE! FERRET! NINE!" will show your prospective employer that you've got other things going on... you don't need this job!

4. The Waiting Game

Awesome exit. Now, all you can do is wait for the call. For some, this is the hardest part. Maybe you're thinking, "Shouldn't I call them back? Maybe show your appreciation by sending them a ticking clock? Maybe surprise them in their car after work with a thank-you scream?" I can tell you first hand, sucking up won't do you any good. I know it's nerve-racking, but the most important thing you can do now is surround yourself with friends... specifically, the dumbest, dirtiest, most depressing friends you have. Being enveloped by mediocrity will prove a constant reminder that, no matter what the outcome of your call, they will still be here. Still hiding cash in the knothole of the old oak tree, still sleeping on a futon mattress propped up with used tires, still sneaking food from the neighbor's bird feeder. No matter how many interviews you botch, no matter what lame job you fall into, and no matter what paltry sum you die with... you will never be worse than them... never......................................................................................... STAND OUT!

Catch That Gooby!

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 23:24:58 PST

Catch That Gooby!
Uploaded by bluevik. - See more comedy videos.

As Above, So Below

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 20:23:32 PDT

Pattinson Flashes

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:00:09 PDT

Robert Pattinson Flashes Tweens - Watch more Funny Videos

Drew On Plane. No Apologies.

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 20:23:00 PDT

Duck, Clown, Fern

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:02:03 PDT

Ashton Kutchers Twitter Killer - Watch more Funny Videos

BNNA

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 20:24:03 PDT

Life Goals

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:03:45 PDT

I know you, the reader, look at me with awestruck eyes. You know, those kinds of really wide eyes where people think you're high or have some kind of optic nerve problem. You think I probably sleep on a golden bed and eat ambrosia all day long. Well, I don't. I'm the same as you. I have goals and aspirations like anyone else. I'd like to share some of them with you here.

I want to coach a midget at becoming an eating contest champion... and I want to name him Gnome Chompsky.

I want to market a line of Halloween costumes for children with chronic seizures. Costumes like, "the angry badger", "the angry rain puddle", "the dancing murder scene chalk outline" and for those who want to make a political statement, an all white unitard imprinted with the words "the United States deficit".

I want to discover and make famous a family band called "the Incestones". The twist is they don't play music and commit unlawful acts.

I want to hug a tree just when they fix global warming so I can take all the credit.

I want to have a third arm grafted onto my body, so I could finally perform my signature move, the double-punch, without feeling completely defenseless.

I want to write the Great American novel and follow it up with an oversized coffee table book about bunnies in hats.

I want to grow a mustache, buy an organ grinder, then sit back, relax and watch the free monkeys roll in.

I want to donate my organs for scientific research... specifically, in genetically engineering a California Raisin.

So please, the next time you see me in your supermarkets or banks... don't stare with your freakishly large eyes. Instead, tip your hat... ideally, in such a way that covers the upper portion of your face. Specifically, the eye part. Jeez-Louise... you are weird looking. Thank you.

Popzilla Viral Video #7

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:07:45 PDT

Hey all! Here's the latest Popzilla viral vid:

Rock Band: Radiohead Edition - watch more funny videos

Popzilla Viral Video #6

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:08:01 PDT

Popzilla's got Obama's sex tape. Shhh...

Check me out doing a mean Teddy Roosevelt impression! Uncanny, right?

Obama Sex Tape - watch more funny videos

Voicemail - Nick & Kevin - MALF #3

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:08:29 PDT

The thrilling conclusion to the MALF voicemail series.

Voicemail - Nick & Kevin - MALF #2

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:09:46 PDT

More MALF!

Voicemail - Nick & Kevin - MALF #1

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:10:12 PDT

With that McGruff crap out of the way, we open the door to a new character: MALF, who seems to be the public domain brother of renowned Melmakian, ALF.

Voicemail - Nick & Kevin - McGruff Speaks

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:11:03 PDT

This week, a new drunken voicemail series from my old pal, Kevin. This time, he's joined by mutual friend Nick. In part 1 of 4, we get a visit from McGruff, the crime dog. Enjoy

Popzilla Viral Video #5

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:11:16 PDT

Popzilla's fifth viral video teaches us about nutrition. Enjoy!

Popzilla Viral Video #4

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:11:39 PDT

The Jonas Brothers strengthen their bond in this latest Popzilla viral release! Enjoy!

Popzilla Viral Video #3

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:12:09 PDT

Popzilla's 3rd viral sketch. Haven't you had enough? No sir!! Enjoy.

Popzilla Viral Video #2

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:12:25 PDT

Popzilla's second viral video. Take that, Criss Angel!

Popzilla Viral Video

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:12:44 PDT

The first of several viral videos from MTV's POPZILLA, a show I write and do voices for. It's coming soon. Enjoy.

The Comeback

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:01:38 PST

Kevin and Lars get professional for Episode 2.

Bradley And Fezziwig

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:14:19 PDT

Finally, the awkwardness of text to speech coupled with the awkwardness of low-end 3D animation. Enjoy.

From Jim

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:14:41 PDT

Every so often, my old grade school friend Jim will send me an e-mail. More often than not it's pointless blabbing about money I owe him (I got that mini blimp for you, Jim) but today I got an e-mail that I thought warranted publishing. Here it is:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lars,

I know it's been a while since we spoke. I'm sorry for the way that I reacted last time, so let me just start off by saying this e-mail isn't about the mini blimp, okay? It's about the time capsule. Yes, the one we buried over by Milken's Farm. Well... I dug it up. I know, I know, you wanted us both to be there when it happened -- but whatever, it's done. the point is, something strange and unfortunate happened... and even though I still feel sore about our last conversation, I felt I owed it to you to at least e-mail. So here goes...

There was a baby inside, or at least I thought it was a baby at the time. Its face is human, while its body is closer to that of one of our Bovine Brethren. Cows.

-- Hi, it's Lars. Quick interjection here. Bovine Brethren. What the heck. you had to capitalize them, too? This is what you get when you shack up with a vegetarian (or as we knew her in 2nd grade, Sheila, Sheila Magic Card Steal-a). And I know what a Bovine is, you don't have to tell me. Get a life, Jim.--

When I found him, he was eating all of your Big League Chew. Sorry about that.

-- Yeah, right, she ate it. --

I felt bad leaving him there, so I brought him home. Most of him was cow, so I decided to feed him some hay. He subsists primarily on oats and hay, which is great because Old Man Milken's half blind now and I can steal pretty much as much as a I want.

-- Okay, you're stealing hay from a blind man and you expect me to believe you didn't eat my Big League Chew?? I wasn't born yesterday, Jim. --

It's been eight weeks now and he's almost full grown. I don't know if it's the oats or the oxygen above ground level or what... but he's big. I'm enclosing an artists rendering i did on Microsoft Paint, so you can get an idea:
-- No shading at all? Really? --

You can see I've named him Griff, after the mythological griffin because that's what I thought he was for the longest time.

-- ........Wow. --

But he's not a griffin. I did some research and he's actually a Chichevache: a human faced cow that feeds on good women. Here's the thing though, women don't seem to spark his interest at all. You do.

-- Too easy. --

Griff, however unjustified, has a massive bone to pick with you, Lars. See, when he came into my life I was very cross with you and it didn't take long before he picked up on that. Now I'll come home and he'll be sharpening a knife. Sure, he'll hide it in a haystack if I come around, but I know what he's up to.

-- Better not be my Ginsus'. They "got lost in the move" if I remember correctly. --

He'll spend hours on end just looking at a picture of you, growling. If I even walk near the photo he'll attack it. Usually his cowbell keeps him from damaging the frame, but the point is, he's out for revenge. And one day that cowbell won't be there. Lately he's been escaping his pen, and I don't think you're safe...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blah, blah, blah. This goes on and on, but I think I captured the most salient elements. Look, Jim and I have always been "on and off" in a friendship sense, but I think I've really had it this time. You write an e-mail to flaunt what you've stolen from me and pre-maturely excavate the most important artifact of our youth?? With friends like these, who needs enemies, am I right?

Alright, someone's clopping at the door. Plus, there's a lot of ravenous grunting, so I better go answer... but let this be a lesson to all of you: if you buy a blimp for someone with their own money and they don't appreciate it, maybe they're crazy and deserve it every time you give them a bad employment reference.

Drummers and Cheesy Beans: Kevin's Song

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:20:22 PST

Episode 1.5 of the Podcast. Kevin left me a lot of crazy voicemails.

Pretentious Cartoon #1

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:15:22 PDT

From whoopsgolly.com

Feelin' Swine

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:15:38 PDT

Swine flu... it's something on all of our minds. A virus with no prior immunity, no known vaccination, and no respect for human law. If panic is any indicator, this virus is surely the one that will end the human race as we know it. Of course, a few hundred of the most wealthy and influential will survive in massive subterranean luxury tubes. However, some scientists believe that small pockets of land-walkers CAN survive if the right precautions are taken. Here are some helpful tips!

1. Wash your hands! Your mom toldja right. Washing your hands doesn't actually do anything, but at least it will make your brain think you're washing off all the creepy crawlies that you know are on there. Remember: disease is 99% mental.

2. Masks. Wear them. The sillier the better, too. Buy some of those panda shaped ones the Japanese wear. They're actually better suited to filter out particles more likely to carry strains of a burgeoning pandemic... plus, they're fun!

3. HEPA filters. Buy them in bulk and stack them up against any window or vent. If you have any masks left, outfit some filters with them. It couldn't hurt, right?

4. Bolt the doors at all times and knock out one of the windows for your gun turret. Once people find out you're building a safe house, you're going to have a lot of unwelcome guests. I also recommend erecting some kind of shield/fire wall around the perimeter and having food delivered. Insist on accepting all food by dumb waiter alone.

5. Build a dumb waiter.

6. After a few nasty run ins with the grocery boy trying to sneak up the dumb waiter, you're going to want to start a spore garden and a rainwater catcher. These will be your primary means of obtaining the nutrients you need to survive. There's the off chance a fleeing bird might drop a piece of actual food near enough to your compound to eat, but inspect it thoroughly... it's probably people.

7. Burn the dumb waiter.

8. Staple chicken wire to your toilet bowl. This might sound extreme, but after the virus takes out so many that the city plumbing system is no longer maintained, remaining land-dwellers (that did not adequately plan ;-)) will be forced to quickly evolve into snake-like creatures so that they can slither into more habitable, fortified locations. You're probably not even using the toilet anymore due to the inability to flush, but even if you are still using the toilet (say, as a way to cling to that most basic of privileges extended by civilized society, and thereby, your sanity) your diet of mold spores and rainwater should keep you from having any problem penetrating that chicken wire.

9. This is a bit difficult, but you'll need to gather supplies to create an artificial defense shield or Electromagnetic Pulse cannon. By this point, the flu has manifested into a sentient, evil cloud -- roaming the landscape, feasting on those that are weak in spirit and/or pure of heart. Even if you don't fit that description, you'll want to outfit your compound with EMP anyway -- the cloud is growing smarter and more powerful with each victim it takes and it's only a matter of time before it realizes that it can feed on whomever it likes.

10. If China has swept in by now to save you after assaulting the cloud beast with its rail gun, congratulations! If not, you'll be glad you snapped up this little beauty: the cyanide capsule. Simply push to the back of your mouth and bite. You're gone forever, but hey -- you had a good run. Gone are the sunny, happy days of your youth... Heh... the sun... (SIGH) it's just a memory now. A word you barely understand... just like mother, father, love, kindness, and hope. The only clear happy memory you have is of buying the panda face masks... but as you gaze upon the masked filters that line your walls, they don't remind of a happy past... they only underline the stark and desperate present.
You've cheated death for a long time... long enough to know that this isn't a world you want to live in anymore. At least you're leaving on your terms.

That's it! Good luck out there, and remember: wash those hands!

We're Live!

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:26:24 PDT

Lars and his friend Kevin found a microphone, web space, and an RSS feed on the ground, so they decided to start a podcast. They'll be discussing everything from the national debt to the old Nick Jr. daytime lineup to obscure Mayan mythology and the snack foods it inspired. Actually, probably just those three topics... So give them a listen and tell lots of strangers.

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And Then There Wasn't Silence...

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:26:04 PDT

Episode one of the whoopsgolly podcast. Enjoy.

The Beginning

overlord@whoopsgolly.com (whoopsgolly) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:25:46 PDT