I’ve received several messages from worried fans because we haven’t written for a while. Fear not. The Wife has been having explosive diarrhea and I’ve been cleaning the house. It’s all a big joke until someone eats a bunch of bonbons.

I think that will get me in a lot of trouble, but it has been a while since the pot has been stirred publicly. We have been busy buying a house and I have changed jobs, but I think the madness will be ending soon. Plus, I have a long list of posts based on these experiences. The Wife even said she might write again, but we’ve heard that before.

I was thinking the other day about how creepy the name Bert is. In fact, almost any name including the name Bert is creepy. Think about it. When was the last time you met a cool Bert? Look at the list below and tell me one name that isn’t likely to be found on some sort of perpetrator list. Perhaps it’s because a lot of these names sound like ‘pervert’. I’ve actually ranked these in order of creepiness and likelihood of showing up on some type of watch list. Feel free to add names or defend your own ‘Bert’.

-Herbert (my grandfather’s middle name and #1 creepy Bert variation)
-Hubert
-Albert
-Bertram
-Norbert
-Egbert
-Bert
-Engelbert
-Lambert
-Dilbert
-Bertrand
-Wilbert
-Gilbert

I would like to note two things. First, Robert is the only possible exception to this rule. Second, Bertha should not be forgotten. Although you might not find this name on a perpetrator list, you should definitely avoid this person at all costs if you are considering a romantic relationship.

What does this have to do with wife advice? Not much, but it’s certainly information people need to be aware of. I’m just thankful there is a forum like this to notify the public.

I had a dream.

A profound statement if you are trying to rid the world of racism, but a dangerous statement for a husband. This is especially dangerous if the dream includes a woman other than the husband’s wife.

Have any of you husbands out there been reprimanded for your dreams?

As usual, I just cleaned the house and made a delicious dinner for my wife (Tandoori chicken). I gave her the standard coupons for a free back rub, foot massage, etc. The kids and I made a Mother’s Day Family Feud game in PowerPoint. The first question was related to why we love mom. The second was related to what mom can work on in the next year so she can be a better mom. She didn’t seem to receive this too well and didn’t seem that excited about the day. I should add that all of the answers to both questions were provided by the kids.

I’m not sure, but I think I’m noticing a trend for most women. Is it just me or do most mom’s want a day off from being a mom on Mother’s Day?

Kiss this!

Another great way to determine how your wife’s day went–besides the number of open food containers in the house–is her reaction to affection. The following reactions to common types of affection such as a kiss, hug, or slap on the back will provide the necessary clues:

1. The move away. If your wife moves away when you try to advance, this is a clear sign that there is a problem. But what’s not clear is whether it’s your fault or not. Go in for a second try. If she accepts, then it isn’t your fault and you can grab a sandwich while she tells the tale. If she stills avoids, then it’s best to leave at once.
2. The push away. If you are physically repelled during the attempt at affection, then you should know that everything is your fault, or so it may be in your wife’s mind. You should quietly, yet deliberately, walk out of the room and get changed. Stay away for at least 15 minutes unless she needs help with dinner.
3. The embrace and cry. This is a bad one, but the good news is that it’s someone else’s fault. Don’t worry about it. You can either look at your watch and pretend you need to be somewhere so you don’t have to get involved or you can stick around and listen to what’s happened. It wouldn’t hurt to be faced toward the television so you can multitask while she is reliving the story.
4. The warm acceptance. Although rare, this reaction is highly desired and should be favorable for you. Don’t fool yourself though. You probably haven’t done anything great, but you’ve at least managed to stay out of trouble.
5. The verbal warning. Yes my friends, at times you may not even be able to attempt the affectionate maneuver before your wife yells at you to get out of the room. Simply oblige and run. Try to figure out what you have done and identify a fall guy. That’s your only chance!

I wish I were around for the advent of the television. It must have been crazy to see a box with people in it for the first time. It also must have impacted the institution of marriage in dramatic ways. For instance, husbands were no longer subjected to endless dialogue and could now have a little downtime while wives across the world spent time with the tv. Well, I thought I could take advantage of the television to get some of my own personal time.

Lesson 34: Don’t turn on the television to distract your wife like she is a baby enthralled by a colorful rattle.

One evening I was feverishly working on the laptop to finish a project due the next day. My wife spent the evening trying to engage me in discussion by telling me stories, asking me questions, and even inviting me to watch a movie with her. I should have stopped her right away to explain the deadline I was under but instead pretended to listen to her and occasionally responded with an, “Oh really?” and “Hmm.”

Realizing she wasn’t getting the hint and that I didn’t have time to explain my situation, I thought of an alternative. I remembered that The Mentalist was recording on Tivo. This is one of my wife’s favorite shows. While she was telling me yet another story, I broke away from work and engaged her eyes. I nodded affirmatively as she spoke while slowly reaching for the remote. Unbeknownst to her, I turned the television on and started The Mentalist. Startled, she looked at the television and then looked back at me. I started working again and said surprised, “Oh, your favorite show. Good idea. Why don’t you watch that for a while.”

I realized my acting skills were not convincing as my wife grabbed the remote and turned the show off. “Did you just turn the television on to distract me so you could go back to what you were doing?” she asked very annoyed.

“Well, yes. I have a lot to do,” I said. She responded, “You should have just told me.”

She abruptly walked off and I continued to work.

My suggestion: Even though I was able to continue working, I propose an alternative approach. Just let your wife know up-front when you are busy and can’t talk. Explain the situation to her. More often than not she will understand.

Wives aren’t that easy to distract with the television anymore. Perhaps this technique worked for my grandfather, but these days televisions are part of our lives – especially our wives’ lives.

Pantry Problems

Husbands around the globe face risk and potential demise each time they come home at the end of a hard day of work. “What kind of mood is my wife in today?” desperate men everywhere ask themselves. It’s nearly impossible for many men to gauge and can be worse than playing Russian Roulette. If you are a husband who has considered pressing your ear to the front door to listen for bloodcurdling noises, then these tips will change your life.

When entering the house immediately look to the kitchen. Crumbs on the carpet, open pantry doors, and empty food containers on the counter (especially cookies, bonbons, and ice cream) are key indicators in determining how your wife’s day went. The more of this you observe, the worse her day was. Thus, the more you might consider high-tailing it to the shower.

NOTE: If you come home and see an empty can of Easy Cheese on the floor surrounded by Twinkie wrappers and the distinct stench of hot dog in the air, please, please get back into your car and drive. Don’t stop. There is no telling what has happened that day!

One of my favorite Simpsons episodes is when Homer gains a bunch of weight so he can claim a disability and work from home. He ends up wearing a disgusting muumuu because he can’t fit into any of his clothes.

Now, I’m sure most of us would agree that a muumuu outside of the house is probably not the best choice here in the United States, but what about at home? Do you think a wife should wear a muumuu at home on a regular basis? I’m not talking about wearing a muumuu once in a while. I’m talking about utilizing it as an everyday piece of garb. My friend and his wife were debating this and I’m not sure which side to take. Leave a comment and let me know what you think. That includes you lurkers too!

The picture below depicts Homer wearing a standard muumuu.

Scenario
My wife approached me the day after the mega-shopping spree. I was working on my laptop in our bedroom. The 6 bags of recently purchased clothes were still on the floor near my bed.

Wife: Hey, how about I do a fashion show for you so you can see all my clothes?
Donkey: Fine. But I can’t really pay attention because I have a lot to do. Just get dressed and show me the clothes and I will just give a thumbs up or down. I don’t have time to analyze anything.
Wife: OK.
Two minutes later the Donkey hears grunting. He looks up to see his wife jumping up and down trying to get a new pair of jeans to button.
Donkey (sarcastically): This is a great fashion show.
Wife (frustrated and frantic): Wait. I can get these on. Oh, hold on. These are my goal pants. I forgot that these wouldn’t fit. I knew I couldn’t button them.
Donkey (skeptically): Oh yes. Just like yesterday’s bag. It’s just a fluke that the first article of clothing you tried on doesn’t fit. Seems like you made some great purchases.
Wife: I did, but I’m not going to show you now.
Donkey: My loss. Clearly.

She ended up stuffing herself into the pants and managed to get them buttoned but conceded that she has a few more pounds to lose before they fit properly.

I’m sure some of you can share some of your funny shopping spree stories.

Hoodwinked: To be taken in by deceptive means; deceived.

Wardrobe: A collection of clothing belonging to one person.

Can I have those words in a sentence? Sure. Let’s break it down though:

I waged war against my wife’s drobe after her new sweatshirt with a hood winked at me as I stared at the sheer volume of freshly purchased clothing on the floor.

Background
Last week my wife asked me to watch our kids for 3 days so she could have some girl time with her sisters and mom who were in town. I agreed and anxiously awaited the return of my dear wife.

Scenario – Detective Donkey surveys the following scene and uses experienced husband intuition and logic to crack the case.

Saturday, 4:15 p.m. My wife enters the home struggling to carry her duffel bag and 6 enormous shopping bags with new clothes. She mentioned that she was going to purchase a few things, despite the agreement we had which clearly stated that new clothes would be purchased once she reached her goal weight, but I was not prepared for her definition of a few things. The following conversation is true and accurate to the best of my memory.

Donkey: What’s all this?
Wife: I knew you would say that. Don’t worry. I can justify every purchase in those bags, from the sandals and shoes to the pants and shirts. I didn’t buy anything I didn’t need.
Donkey (Reaches into a shopping bag, randomly pulls out an item, notes price tag): $25 for a rainbow colored beach bag?!?!
Wife: Wait, hold on… before you start talking about prices… A lot of the things I bought were not actually the price that you see.  I got a bunch of things on sale, and some of the discounts you won’t be able to see on the tags.
Donkey: So how much was this bag?
Wife (Nervously laughs): Uh, well it was $25 actually.
Donkey: And the justification?
Wife (Nervously laughs again): Well it’s kind of hard to explain.  But I really do need it. But everything else is stuff I needed even more.  And the prices really are lower than what you’ll see.
Donkey (Walks off victoriously): I think my work here is done.

Suburbia is safe again. Detective Donkey has solved the unsolvable. It will be a long time before this Sultan of Spending strikes again.

UPDATE: My wife and I have since had another conversation on this topic which is equally amusing.

One of the slimiest things I ever did as a kid was telling on my friend for hiding the eraser at school. It’s a known fact that you can’t rat your friend out. Luckily I wasn’t busted by my classmates, but I knew what I had done was wrong. I think almost all kids know this, and yet, for some reason they love telling on their fathers when they know dad has pushed the envelope just a little too far.

The other day I was showing my kids some funny videos on hulu and remembered one of my favorite videos. It’s from SNL and is a spoof of Yo Gabba Gabba. This episode is called the Tizzle Wizzle Show. I promise that you will laugh if you have seen Yo Gabba Gabba. I was watching this with my three kids ages 8-3 and quickly realized that I had made a mistake. Knives? Pills? A battle to the death? What was I thinking? I let the video end and hoped that they would forget about this because I knew the danger I just put myself in. Only my oldest son could understand that this was a parody. The other two were thoroughly confused. I ended the video session and dismissed the kids to other activities. Two days later my wife confronted me when I walked in from work. Here’s how the conversation played out:

Wife: (angrily) Why in the world did you let the kids watch that video? I told you not to show them that when you showed it to me.
Donkey: (playing dumb) What video? (I already knew what had happened)
Wife: Tommy told me all about it. Why did you do that?
Donkey: Where is Tommy? (I pretended to be concerned, but I was looking for blood. My eyes darted across the room until I saw him smiling on the stairs peeking out from behind the wall. He was actually laughing at me.)
Donkey: Oh. Sorry about that.
Wife: (yells for a few minutes and then leaves)
Donkey: Tommy! Why did you tell on me? I’m not going to show you any funny videos anymore.
Wife: (yells from upstairs) Are you serious? What’s wrong with you? I heard that!
Tommy: Yeah Daddy. What’s wrong with you? (smiles and runs away)

You know what’s wrong with me? I trusted a kid.