Wild ARS Chase

To discuss a year in review, with the top music, TV and movies... and the worst

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Everyone and their mother, as well as their step-mother, baby mama, and their sugar mama, has been making lists to celebrate the demise of 2009.

Some even more adventurous people have been doing best of the decade stuff, which I think are a tad ridiculous. I was in high school a decade ago. My tastes in everything - my taste in girls- were all different. I had freaking braces a decade ago. How could I possibly evaluate what was good at the start of the decade, when I was basically a different person? And how can you compare, say, the hottest women of the decade - some of them were in middle school at the beginning of the decade. I guess you could rank middle school girls now to get a head start on 2020, while I'll get a head start on 2035 by ranking fetuses.

What I can do is look back at 2009, using my ever-handy Month in Reviews (minus May, which I skipped), and show you my list of the best music, TV and movies I experienced. Some of these were made before 2009, but I heard/watched them now, so I figure that counts. I mean, who has the time to check out all the new movies the same year they are released? Out of the top 10 grossing movies this year, I haven't seen any of them (nor will I for some, as there's no good reason to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen unless the "fallen" indicates Megan Fox's shirt, and even then, she'd still be talking, so what's the point?).

At the bottom, you'll find some of the worst stuff that came out in 2009. I was hard-pressed to think of bad movies, as I tend not to pay to watch crappy new movies, as I tend not to be rich.

What do you think of my selections? Can you offer some suggestions? Do not try to disagree about my inclusion of "Jersey Shore," or we'll have a Situation.

Best Music:
December: "Forever" Drake; "Shake It Out" Manchester Orchestra (Ed. note: Not included: Christmas Shoes.)
November: "In Case of Rapture" As Tall As Lions
October: "Wishing Well" Airborne Toxic Event
September: "Make Her Say" Kid Cudi (Ed. note: Yeah, everybody did a remix of "Poker Face," but this was among the better ones. Even if Kanye was on it.)
August: "Ignorance" Paramore
July: "Old White Lincoln" Gaslight Anthem
June: "Panic Switch" Silversun Pickups
April: "Zero" Yeah Yeah Yeahs
March: "Crack the Shutters" Snow Patrol
February: "Blue Ridge Mountains" Fleet Foxes (Ed. note: Kind of like the Beach Boys for the 2000s)
January: "A Milli," Lil Wayne; "In My Head," Your Vegas

Best TV:
December: Jersey Shore; Teen Mom (Ed. note: Jersey Shore is all the things we love about Real World, without the thinly veiled promise of emotional depth. Snookie gets punched in the face! The Situation has too many girls trying to get in his hot tub! J-Woww saw Pauly D's little Italian! Ronnie is an obvious HGH user! ... Teen Mom, on the other hand, is the best of True Life and one of the most accurate portrayals of lower middle class/working poor teen life I've seen. Plus, I love Gary, who most recently got slapped in the face by Amber. Love you, Gar!)
November: Tabatha's Salon Takeover (Ed. note: Bravo's best reality show)
October: Curb Your Enthusiasm; It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Ed. note: Charlie: "I'm a full on rapist." Disturbed date: "You mean a philanthropist?")
September: Community
August: Hard Knocks (Ed. note: This year, it focused on the Cincinatti Bengals ... who went on this NFL season to win their division while also suffering the death of teammate Chris Henry)
July: So You Think You Can Dance
June: True Blood; 16 and Pregnant
April: Eastbound and Down (Ed. note: I'm Kenny F*$@%@$ Powers)
March: Make Me a Supermodel; Big Love (Ed. note: MMS is everything Top Model wants to be, plus it actually uses the catwalk every episode; Big Love is one of the best written shows around)
February: American Idol
January: Property Virgins (Ed. note: I'd say this is a guilty pleasure, but I don't feel guilty for watching. I feel wonderful. That, and Sandra has such nicely-tailored outfits. I feel I should reward her by watching.)

Best Movie:
December: It's Complicated; Julie and Julia (Ed. note: My whole family went to see It's Complicated, and we all liked it. John Krasinski has a funny line every time he speaks, and who doesn't like Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin?)
November: Australia; The Goods
October: Zombieland (Ed. note: Humor and zombies and Bill Murray and Twinkies. There isn't a downside.)
September: I Love You, Man; Adventureland
August: Eagle Eye
July: The Proposal (Ed. note: Much better than it needed to be. Ryan Reynolds is the most underrated actor in Hollywood. Right? Well, he and Mark Paul Gosselaar.)
June: Star Trek
April: The Reader
March: Fast and Furious (Ed. note: I was 18 when the first Fast and Furious came out. And I still love it. That means either the movies have matured as I've grown older, or I haven't matured as more movies came out. Let's be real and go with B.)
February: Pineapple Express; He's Just Not That Into You
January: The Wrestler (Ed. note: Just watched it again on HBO. Marisa Tomei is incredibly naked the entire movie. And yet, Mickey Rourke is the most mesmerizing thing on screen. How is that possible?)

Among the worst:
TV:
NYC Prep, Bravo
This had all the worst qualities of Bravo reality shows, namely "Real Housewives," all rolled into one. Pretentious, snobby kids. Drama over non-events. Greediness. Shallowness. Bad hair. Talking about poor people but really meaning middle class people. More bad hair. Names that make you want to gag.

Runner-up: Accidentally on Purpose, CBS

Movie:
Bride Wars
I expect this from Kate Hudson, but Anne Hathaway? She didn't have a better script available? The whole movie made it seem like women will stop at nothing to get the perfect wedding, even at the expense of their best friend. And that women care more about the wedding than the man they are marrying. And that Kate Hudson is desirable.

Music:
"No Surprise" Daughtry
I generally don't hold a grudge when a really bad song is successful, as sometimes people like to play stuff that is so bad, it's good, i.e. "Party in the USA." But "No Surprise" isn't that. It's not a poorly crafted song. It's just mediocre. And it sounds like every Creed knock-off already out there. That's a far worse offense. Let's face it. Chris Daughtry is still moping for losing out to Taylor Hicks, Katherine McLegs and the Amish Guy.
Runner-up:
"Fire Burning" Sean Kingston; "I Gotta Feeling" Black Eyed Peas

To discuss a very Merry Christmas, and a Christmas miracle request

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 16:57:00 +0000

Is there a better version of "The Christmas Carol" than the Muppet version? Is there? I'm not even so sure that's up for debate. George C. Scott gets jealous in his pants when he thinks of this movie (in his grave, no less).
Anyway, a Merry Christmas to all of my readers. Thanks for your hundreds of comments and thousands of visits this year. I hope you checked out my Christmas gift to you, a remake of "Christmas Shoes."

And I hope you can check out a worthy cause, the Smile Train. My friends are trying to raise $500 to perform a couple cleft lip/palate repairs for little kids; they are more than halfway to the goal.

C'mon, who doesn't want to support that? What are you, a terrorist? You can donate via PayPal right on the site. If you do donate, I'll write a guest post for you about anything you want.

Don't make me get Sarah McLachlan to start singing "Angels" in the background. I'll freaking do it. I'LL DO IT!

To discuss a remake of Christmas Shoes for those who hate Christmas Shoes

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 13:31:00 +0000

Ed. note: I've made no secret of my disdain for "Christmas Shoes," which sucks the sap out of the sappiest Christmas sap there is. Good God, it makes you want to claw your eyes out. As a pre-Christmas gift to you, I thought I'd rewrite the song to something more listenable. Inspired, as most things are in life, by the "Real Housewives" series on Bravo, I present to you "Housewives' Boobs."
Side note: "My Beautiful Mommy," pictured on right, is an actual book explaining plastic surgery to little kids. What better visual reference for my remake!

----------------------
To sing along, play the YouTube clip at the bottom or click here.

The Housewives' Boobs lyrics

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Trying' to buy a tummy tuck or two, not really in the diet mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy looking, anxiously
At some implants, paired two by two
And in his hands he held a pair of boobs

And his clothes were hip and new, he was a tan and well-dressed dude
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what what I heard him say

Sir, I want to buy these boobs, for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve, and these boobs are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy said he'll get a rise
You see, she's been flat for quite a while
And I know a boob job would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful when Mama sees "Housewives" tonight

He picked a cup size with a doctor in here
The plastics doc said, "You'll need a brassiere"
He racked his brain frantically
Then he turned and looked at me
He said Mama loves Housewives at our house
She tried to audition, but they threw her out
Tell me Sir, what is she going to do,
Trying to get on Bravo without fake boobs?

So I took my bra off, I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
A dude wearing bras? That's, uh, great.

Sir, I want to buy these boobs, for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve, and these boobs will up her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy said he'll get a rise
You see, she's been flat for quite a while
And I know fake boobs would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful when Mama sees "Housewives" tonight

Bridge:
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of Housewives once
And saw how fake it was about
I knew you can't get on that Housewives show
Without having your girls pushed up and out

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these boobs, for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve, and these boobs are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy said he'll get a rise
You see, she's been flat for quite a while
And I know fake boobs would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful when Mama sees "Housewives" tonight

-------------------

The Christmas Shoes lyrics
It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Bridge:
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

Repeat Chorus

To discuss a list of songs I just downloaded on iTunes, including holiday classics and ... a Gossip Girl?

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 04:25:00 +0000

On Saturday night, after a day of shoveling a foot of snow (needless to say, a foot of snow and chihuahuas don't mix... sorry, Bailey), I decided to hit up iTunes.
Usually, when I'm adding a song on iTunes, I have something specific in mind. It could be the latest Eminem song, or a holiday song, or Leighton Meester's debut singleohcrapdidtheyhearmesaythatofcoursetheydidandyitsablognotapodcastdummy.

This time, I got a little random. Consider:
50 Cent: I Get Money; In Da Club
Explanation: I just saw "Get Rich or Die Tryin," which should be retitled "Get Bored or Die Trying to Copy 8 Mile." Terrible movie. 50 Cent enunciates with all the veracity of a 15-year-old lisper with braces. But his music is as catchy as herpes at a kissing booth.

Metric: Gold Girls Guns
Explanation: Such a memorable chorus line: "All the gold, and the girls, and the guns, in the world, couldn't get you off." It should be Viagra's next theme song.

Phoenix: Lisztomania
Explanation: Little known fact- Phoenix has a song that's better than the one currently being whored out on commercials.

Leighton Meester: Somebody to Love
Explanation: Capricorn loves this song, and we usually use my iPod. I reminded her that I do as much singing in this song as Leighton does, but Capricorn loves it anyway. It's kinda catchy. And Robin Thicke is in it, so that's a bonus.

And then I downloaded the last round of holiday tunes for the year. Every holiday season, I add a few more songs to my stable of Christmas music, always looking for new stuff.*

* New stuff can never, ever include any crappy remake of what was once a very good song. I'm looking at you, Ashley Tisdale's "Last Christmas."

Here's what made the cut this year; some of these songs I have loved for a long time but only got around to adding them now.

Bob Rivers: 12 Pains of Christmas
Explanation: I'm not big on spoof Christmas songs, but the second day of Christmas guy rigging the lights gets me every time. "Why the hell are they all blinking!?!"

Choir of King's College: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen; Coventry Carol; Away in a Manger
Harry Simeone Chorale: Little Drummer Boy
Explanation: I am a sucker for choir music, being that I miss being in a choir. In particular, I love the Vienna Boys Choir, but feel I need to mix in adult choirs to lessen the suspicion of Megan's Law watchdogs.

Ray Charles: That Spirit of Christmas
Explanation: I've heard thing song a million times in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" (one of the best Christmas movies of all time, let's just get that out of the way). Only now did I put 2 and 2 together and figure out this Ray Charles song is the one in the movie. Duh.

James Taylor: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Explanation: Although I love this version, I debated getting this, as I worried that would be an admittance that I am now closer to my 30s than my 20s, as what other reason would I have for listening to James Taylor. But screw it.

Side note: I have five versions of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." They are the defining versions and must all be adored, as it is the law in several states and the Republic of Congo.
The artists are: Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Judy Garland, James Taylor and Mel Torme. Case closed.

As a bonus Christmas gift, here's a list of 2o-plus songs that constitute what I call my "Holiday Soft" mix. No loud or electronically-driven music allowed (again, Ashley Tisdale, shut your mouth before I shove mistletoe down it with my Piper's Piping.) Although there's a duplication of some songs, each is done in a unique way so that it's a different experience; that's exactly the opposite effect of watching a Home Alone sequel. Please play these by the fireside while opening presents or worshiping baby Jesus or berating relatives. Even when you're drinking eggnog, using your tears to wash it down, this can be a nice mix.
For those interested, many of these songs can be found in my "Holiday Slow" iMix for download (it didn't let me include all of them).

Bing Crosby: White Christmas
Bing Crosby: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Boyz II Men: Silent Night
Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack: Christmas Time Is Here
Choir of King's College: Coventry Carol
Dan Fogelberg: Same Auld Lang Syne
David Bowie/Bing Crosby: Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy
Frank Sinatra: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Frank Sinatra: I'll Be Home for Christmas
Harry Simeone Chorale: Little Drummer Boy
Home Alone Soundtrack: O Holy Night
Home Alone Soundtrack: Star of Bethlehem
James Taylor: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Nat King Cole: The Christmas Song
NSync: O Holy Night
Judy Garland: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Ray Charles: That Spirit of Christmas
Sara Bareilles: Winter Song
Mel Torme: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Sarah McLachlan: Silent Night
Trans Siberian Orchestra: Pachebel Christmas Canon
Vienna Boys Choir: We Three Kings
Vienna Boys Choir: What Child Is This

To discuss a Cosmo review: December 2009

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:08:00 +0000

I better get this December Cosmopolitan review to you, as the January one has already hit the shelves. That, and I know you need to use the money you'd use to buy Cosmo on presents instead. You stingy minx.

In this edition, we get news on what guys want with sex (My guess: having it), weird things guys shout out during sex, and a very, very strange product for your who-who. As always, if you think Cosmo is dirty filth, don't read this.

Although everyone should check the special message at the end. It's brought to you by Christmas cheer.

And now on to the Cosmo review...

Cosmo Hot Sheet: Hey, an appearance by Cosmo fave, Aubrey O'Day. But, as usual, it's for a "Not So Hot" moment, as they dislike her "I Love Me" shirt. Can they just make her the cover subject already? Who wouldn't want to see them try to make her sound classy?
Sexiest photo I've seen so far is about 46 pages in. Damn you, saucy JC Penney ads, with you and your come hither lingerie models.
Cover subject Fergie: There's a one-line mention in her feature that she was addicted to meth. There are multiple paragraphs about her husband, Josh Duhamel. Don't be jealous, meth. Josh was in "Transformers." You're only featured in MTV "True Life" documentaries.
Cosmo makes the argument girls are more likely to dig a guy who is already in a relationship. So while you hear guys say, "The good girls are already taken," evidently the girls say, "The good guys are already taken!"
Quick side note: While I do this review on the December issue, my girlfriend is reading the January issue. This is what makes relationships work.
Cosmo Hot or Not: Cosmo gives special skank recognition to "The Cuchini," which hides camel toe. Not to be confused with zucchini, which is for salads and vagi... yes, just salads. P.S. We both know you clicked on that link.
"Hidden Secrets His Hug Reveals": Advice such as "The farther down your body his hands travel, the more fired up he is." Examples: If his hand is inside your pants, he is hoping to have sex with you. If his hand is by your ankles, well, get ready for an all-nighter.
How much of Sarah Jessica Parker's original face do you think is left in this heavily-Photoshopped "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" ad, featured in Cosmo? 20 percent? 15?
"Make His #1 Sex Wish Come True." Advice includes sending naughty photos and whispering in his ear you need to have sex with him -- now. This advice works so well, the near-naked male model being straddled by the gorgeous near-naked female model in the accompanying photo does not have an erection. At all. Maybe she needs to whisper louder."
Bizarre In-Bed Outbursts": "He shoots, he scores!" Really, dude? Really? What did you score, conception of a bastard child?
"Seven Habits That Are Giving You Belly Pudge." Examples: You Skips Meals, You Think Bread Is Bad, You Booze a Lot But Infrequently. Another possibility: You eat a lot, don't exercise and your New Year's Resolution is to find a more efficient way to suck the cream out of a Twinkie.

-------------------------------------
On to something much more worthy of our attention. Some friends of mine, including Rainbow Eclipse, decided to skip the gift-giving this year and instead raise money for cleft-lip or cleft palete surgery for babies, done through Smile Train.
If you'd like to donate (say, the amount of money you saved by not reading Cosmo this month), please visit this link. I would have made this request it's own post, but I knew it's easier to get people's attention with Cosmo sex quizzes. I'm evil like that.

To discuss a month in review: November 2009

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 17:17:00 +0000

November was full of food, sick dogs, Westminster dog shows, and Al Roker bundled up like a Ho Ho. Let's take a look back at this overlooked month, before we get too full of the holiday spirit. Here's the November Month in Review.

For a flashback, here's November 2008. Coincidentally, I make fun of the same actress in both reviews.

Favorite movie: "Australia" Other than the fact it's 3-plus hours, it's a visually stunning movie. For the ladies, there's Hugh Jackman being all Jackmany. For the guys, there's Nicole Kidman, being all pursed-lipsy. Well worth watching, and gives insight into a form of racism you don't hear about in the U.S.

Runner-Up: "I Could Never Be Your Woman" Did you know Paul Rudd was in this? I randomly found it on Comcast movies, and just assumed it was done before he became famous, what with the set and props straight from the 90s and the lack of exposure for the movie. Nope. It was made in 2007. Michelle Pfeiffer is in it, too. It's a great comedic showcase for Rudd, and abysmal for everything else. Bonus trivia point: Rudd was in "Clueless." Stacey Dash, who played Cher's friend, is in this movie, too, playing an actress who stars on a high school show. Bonus trivia point 2: Stacey was about 41 when this movie came out.

Least favorite movie: "Bring It On, All or Nothing" It's almost as if the writers wanted to see how stereotypical racist they could get in one teen movie. Hayden Panties is afraid to park in certain areas because she sees black people nearby. Solange Knowles calls Hayden "white girl" and assumes she can't dance. The white students don't trust the black/Hispanic students, and the black/Hispanic students are A) poor and B) loud. Other than that, it's a fine example of youth culture teens should look up to. Oh, and Hayden couldn't act her way out of a wet panty liner.

Runner-up: "Twilight"

Favorite song: "In Case of Rapture" As Tall As Lions. Take a look at the lyrics. It's an interesting case against Bible thumpers. "I saw no fire in your street/just the stones you've thrown at me/Does it make you feel better?/Well, you know we're all just sinners." Of course, just by listing this song, someone will probably pray for me.

Least favorite song: Any Christmas song played before Thanksgiving listed in my poll (did you vote yet?)

Favorite TV Show: "Tabatha's Salon Takeover" might be the best reality show you're not watching. You may remember Tabatha from Sheer Genius. On this show, she spends a week at a salon, fixing problems, improving the workmanship and giving out attitude adjustments willy nilly. Yes, willy nilly. It's glorious.

Runner-up:"So You Think You Can Dance." I warmed up to it, after initially not wanting to like it because they just had a season this summer. If you didn't know, I do recaps/interviews on it over at my other blog, Real Blogger. Side note: Has anyone noticed how Nigel says completely inappropriate sexual comments about the teen girls on the show? Or is that just me?

Worst TV show: The Saturday Night Live hosted by January Jones. When your best scene involves Grace Kelly breaking wind like a teenager at Taco Bell, you know it's a rough night. It didn't help the Black Eyed Peas were the musical guests.

Best moment: Thanksgiving with Capricorn's family and then with my family. I ate more turkey in one day than the Surgeon General recommends. And I'm pretty sure my dad made a sex joke at one point, which would be a landmark event.

Worst moments: Taking Leo to the vet.

Best decision: Deciding to go to Chicago for another journalism conference, even if I wore holes in my socks from walking around so much. But at least I got to sing karaoke.

Favorite Blog Post by Me: Writing an apology letter to Thanksgiving.

Blogger of the Month: I'll hold off on this until I do my December review, since I didn't get much time to do blog reading (and I'm sure I'm not alone on that.)

To discuss Feliz Navidad 2009: Hola, Santa!

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 15:07:00 +0000

I can hardly believe it's been a year since Capricorn and I first celebrated Feliz Navidad, our Christmas decorating/Mexican food fiesta.

Just like last year, we had our first snowfall of the year, coincidentally, on Feliz Navidad. I think that means God was in agreeance. Or that God was crying and it happened to be cold out. Either way.

There are several key ingredients to a good Feliz Navidad:

1) Christmas decorating
2) Mexican food
3) Holiday movies
4) Chihuahuas
5) Immigrants*

* Optional

Well, we all know I've got more chihuahuas around here than I know what to do with, so that's done. For Mexican food this time, we went with tacos. Whoever (Whomever? Ah, who ((whom?)) cares?) came up with the idea to wrap spicy beef in a corn flour shell is a genius.

On to the holiday movies. This is where it gets tricky. We watched Home Alone last year, so that was out, and let's not even talk about the sequels. We also recently watched The Santa Clause 2 (the first one is Capricorn's favorite Christmas movie).

So, based on what was available, we had some old classics, some new favorites, some awful Lifetime-y crap and some holiday movies that should have never been made. Example, according to the Comcast description:

"Santa's Slay": "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He's actually Satan's son, who lost a bet and has had to spend the last thousand years giving gifts and being nixw. But this Christmas, the thousand years is up. Starring WWE star Bill Goldberg."

We passed on this one, even though Amazon users gave it four out of five stars, just a half-star less than "It's a Wonderful Life."

We decided to go with The Family Stone, a vastly underrated Christmas movie. It does have Sarah Jessica Parker in it, but it also has Claire Danes, Rachel McAdams and Diane Keaton, so it's a wash.

As per Feliz Navidad tradition, I put the Spanish subtitles on, but foreign languages are annoying after a minute or two (let's just be honest). I switched it to the commentary with SJP and co-star Dermot Mulroney, who somehow gets leading man status in multiple films despite a first name that makes him sound like Kermit's closet boyfriend.

Now on to the decorating. As I tightly wound the last bit of a string of blue lights around the center of our fake tree, Capricorn asked if I had tested them out first. No, I responded, since they had worked for three years.

Ten minutes later, we were at Wal-mart, buying blue lights that actually worked.

I then had to unwrap and then rewrap the lights, as Capricorn baked Christmas tree sugar cookies. Have you ever thought about how silly it is we put lights on a giant indoor plant to celebrate the birth of Jesus (aside from the fact we decorate trees out of an old pagan tradition)? Wouldn't it make more sense for families to go out and buy a crib each year to decorate? Or breastfeed each oth ... I mean, yeah, Christmas tree decorating it is!

Oh, and just in case you remembered, I busted out my door decoration again this year. If you recall, my mom made this last year, and it won first prize for best holiday door decoration. Here's hoping for two years in a row. I'm like the Yankees of doors, except not as expensive or douchey.

Merry Feliz Navidad to you and your illegal immigrants.

To discuss catchphrases that are so fetch

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 16:20:00 +0000

I think it's about time I had my own catchphrase.

Think about it. All the greats have their own.

"Did I do that?" - Urkel
"How rude!" - Stephanie Tanner
"Mission Accomplished" - former President Bush
"It depends on what the definition of 'is' is"- former President Clinton
"*crickets chirping*" - Spencer Pratt's head

Making a catchphrase is difficult business, though. Just like Gretchen trying, in vain, to make "fetch" happen in Mean Girls, you can't just force it. There has to be a natural progression of things. It's an organic process, much like how how Will Smith would yell, "Dammnnnnn" when a fly honey would walk by, as fly honeys are prone to do on Fresh Prince.

For no particular reason, I made up a word for my catchphrase. That way, no one can say they've said it before, and no one can dispute the meaning. Think of Skeeter's "Honk! Honk!" from "Doug." That's just genius. On the surface, Skeeter is saying, "I'm in agreement, or I'm glad to see you." On a deeper level, it's a social commentary on the dangers of nuclear proliferation. True story.

My phrase is "Shebamzee," with a variation of "Shebam-o" when the situation calls for it.

Possible uses:
"Look at that pack of cougars groveling over the Twilight movie. Shebamzee!"
"We were just about to get down and dirty, when, shebamzee! She told me she was a he."
"Shebam-o! Those Jersey Shore cast members are a shebamzee away from reversing the theory of evolution."

I don't know about you, but this could be a landmark event not seen since the Fonz's "Heyyyyyy."
If you have a catchphrase of your own, please tell, and try to use it today in everyday conversation or in a blog post. It's for the children.

To discuss thoughts on "Twilight," the, uh, best movie this side of "Citizen Kane"

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 13:08:00 +0000

Capricorn and I finally did it. Is that:

A) Got engaged, to the delight of our parents who await grandbabies with the most bated of bated breaths.
B) Bludgeoned said babies
C) Watched Twilight

The answer is C.

Basically, we had to see what the mass gnashing of teeth and panties is all about, so we decided to watch the first Twilight. We're fans of True Blood, after all, and Twilight has trendy vampires, so it must be decent. And it's based on a book- book to movie adaptations always go well!

Um...

Here are the positives:
1) Bella's dad is kind of funny and lovable
2) Edward's dad is the dude from "Can't Hardly Wait," so that's 5 bonus points
3) They didn't make Bella super-popular her first day, like some teen movies, as that's totally unrealistic. And even after she got friends, they didn't show her being the center of the group, which, again, is a more likely scenario since she's an outsider coming in.
4) There was some cool music (I appreciated the Radiohead song at the end)
5) Bella doesn't escape a super-strong, super-fast vampire on her own, and instead gets her leg broken. That's plausible. Plus, they developed the Bella/Edward relationship in a more drawn out way, instead of just falling in love right off the bat. Actually, when they first see each other, it looked like Edward was going to vomit. Sure, it was probably from the sunlight, but let's just admit it's because Kristen Stewart is probably a little smelly.

Here are the negatives that I'll pare down in order not to have my house burned to the ground:
1) We understand everybody will broach vampire abilities differently. But there are two basic principles of being a vampire that are kinda necessary: They burn in the sun, and they must be invited into a building. Edward Cullen glows like pixie dust in the sun like the gayest My Little Pony, and these vampires enter any place they want. I'm not cool with that.
2) What was the budget for this movie? Are we in "Blair Witch Project" range*? Some of the camera work must have been done by the crew from "One Night in Paris." And Edward's sun glow was like watching bad 3D effects without the 3D glasses.
3) Edward is a total creeper. Sure, we get it, teen girls. He's got the crazy hair and the enchanting eyes. He also uses those eyes TO STARE AT YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP. He tells Bella he's snuck into her house to watch her sleep, because "it's beautiful." Capricorn: "What is he talking about? People are not sexy when they sleep."
4) The first 45 minutes was about Bella and Edward staring at each other in a contest to see who could brood the undies off each other. Lot of intense staring. Not a lot of action. In "True Blood," half the cast was naked by now.
5) The evil vampire has a pony tail and Spencer Pratt facial hair. I was more scared he was going to turn Bella into a douche than into a cadaver.

* Is that too dated a reference for teens reading this? Um, how about, Are we in "Paranormal Activity" range?"

So, are we out of line? I'd still watch the sequel, as I've heard there's more action in it, plus werewolves. And it doesn't hurt that Alice is on the cover of Maxim this month. But we're not sure what all the hysteria is about. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was better, wasn't it? Twilight is a decent movie, but if that's the kind of thing that makes people fanatical, well, I'm worried. Of course, I got fanatical about Ace of Base, so ...

Thanks to my sister for finding that Twilight Moms poster.

To discuss a Weekend Update, Chicago style

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 13:24:00 +0000

I'm still recovering from an action-packed weekend trip to Chicago. I was attending a journalism conference, but, as I've written before, these weekends tend to be fairly eventful. Here, with photo evidence, is a Weekend Update.

Friday

On the flight out, United reminded all passengers that in case of a water landing, the inflatable slides out the doors can be used as flotation devices. Because after your plane hits the water at 200 mph, you better find a flotation device and fast. You saw what happened to Jack after the Titanic sank. Rose let that bitch freeze in the water.
United also had in-flight television, including a re-run of "Two and a Half Men," and a show about wildlife ... that included a guy with a rifle shooting deer. And they say the airline industry is out of touch with consumer needs.

Trying to kill some time, I took a walk to the nearby beach (!?!?). People strolled by, dressed in winter coats, scarves and gloves. Except for the guy you'll notice to the top right of the couple. He was shirtless. In short shorts.
After a few seminars at the hotel, the conference was moved to a nearby restaurant for cocktails and dinner, followed by a speech by an elderly college president. She took the opportunity to talk about the future of college education, reading from her lengthy article on the subject. I turned it into a wine drinking game. By the 18th page, she was brilliant. And sexy.
I met up with my friend Steve Urkel and his friend, Eddie Winslow.* Steve and I have known each other our whole lives, although not at the point of conception (that I'm aware of). They took me on a little Chicago bar hopping tour.

* Both names changed to protect the innocent. And to get an awesome "Family Matters" reference in while talking about Chicago.

We ended up taking a train packed full of slutty teens, 20-something alcoholics and 70-something creepers, to Wrigleyville, home of the Chicago Cubs' Wrigley Field, which has been home for disappointment for more than a century. Steve explained to me Chicagoans drink before games, during games and after games, thus making the losing tolerable. Even though it was November, people were drowning their sorrows all over the place. They are really dedicated fans!

Random encounter of the night: One of the guys in the Sonic commercials (he's the guy on the left in the car). Random encounter on Sunday at O'Hare: I am sure I saw the UPS commercial guy who draws the eerily straight lines on the whiteboard.
I saw more stretch limos in one night than I had seen in the past five years. And they were outside of dive bars. You stay classy, Chicago drunks.
We got back around 2 a.m., riding on a train now chock full of regrets and Planned Parenthood customers. When I was about to part ways with Steve for the walk back to my hotel, he was kind enough to remind me Chicago is one of the tops in the country for murder. "If someone approaches you, shiv them," he advised. Unfortunately, I left my shiv in my room, along with my vampire stake and my crossbow.

Saturday

There's something about being out of town that lets you get up early even after being up way past your bedtime. I need to trick my body into thinking my apartment is in Jamaica. On a side note, I need to trick my body into looking like Gerard Butler's in "300."
After a full day of seminars (see, I did actually learn something ... for example, tuition is never going to stop rising and we're all screwed), it was time for another night on the town. This time, I took a cab with a bunch of reporters to Wicker Park, across town. We eventually found a trendy-looking Mexican restaurant, trendy because the word "Bell" wasn't in the name, and you couldn't order a personal pan pizza along with your taco.
Half the group split off, and the hardcore people eventually went back to a bar that had a combination of waitresses struggling to make ends meet (otherwise, they would have been able to afford the rest of their shirts), Ultimate Fighting (Subtitled: Homoerotica for Dudes Who Experimented Once and Liked It A Little), and, by 11:30, karaoke.
One of the reporters started off the night with "Slave 4 U." Another reporter and I busted out Spin Doctors' "Two Princes," in what critics called the finest song selection of a random 90s song at a Chicago karaoke bar this side of "Wonderwall."
At one point, a very, very large man with a voice similar to what I imagine Snuffleupagus would sound like after an all-night bender in Mexico, asked my "Two Princes" partner and I to sing "I Want It That Way" with him. (Can't recall "I Want It That Way"? Try this.)
Being that we didn't want to get eaten, we agreed. By the end of the song, two things were certain: 1) Once journalism fails me, I will go on to become a 90s-only karaoke DJ, and 2) Everybody is a closet boy band lover. That everybody included the DJ, who, at one point, sang a song of his own. That song was LFO "Summer Girls." I don't think he looked at the lyrics once.

Sunday

The conference wrapped up by noon, so a group of us decided it would be smart to walk from the hotel to Millenium Park, a mere ~~4,536 mile~~ 30-minute walk. It turned out to be well worth it. We got to see the shiny bean thing, which is basically one giant metallic funhouse mirror. Who knows how many countless marriage proposals, first dates and late-night cocaine binges have been done there?
Next, some of us stopped at a giant indoor mall, where I found a man made of Legos. Is that a building block in his pocket or is he just happy to see me?
Finally, I got the shuttle bus to O'Hare, and got on my flight home, losing an hour in the process due to Eastern Standard Time. That's exactly when you realize how ridiculously arbitrary time zones are. At exactly this moment, you are one hour further ahead in life, they say ... Well, readers, then I declare after reading this blog post, it's actually Christmas Day 2093. Merry Christmas. You're dead.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model Cycle 13 Finale

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:34:00 +0000

We're down to Laura and Nicole in Cycle 13 of "America's Next Top Model," the first cycle for girls under 5'8. Nicole, at 5'7, and Laura, at 5'6, will now have to do the traditional Cover Girl commercial/photo, the Seventeen magazine shoot and the runway show to determine who will be America's. Next. Top. Model. Here's the TV Play by Play (here's last week's)......

The nickname reminder (explanation in the season premiere recap) Laura (The Widower) and Nicole (Black Sheep)
Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley), Lelly (Kara), Mommy (Rae) NC-17 (Brittany) Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin)

-------------------

:01 I almost forgot about the time at the baby photo when Jay Manuel asked if Black Sheep, "Are you awake?" Your "Top Model" finalist, everyone!

:02 Cows everywhere hope The Widower win tonight so they can stop shaking in fear she'll be back. That is, unless she somehow finds a way to combine her old life of cow castration with her new life of modeling. I smell a photo shoot theme.

:05 Jay Manuel looks like an Oompa Loompa today with his green coat and always slightly-orange skin. But he still looks good. Darn you Jay Manuel.

:08 I think Black Sheep's hair must weigh as much as her body. During her Cover Girl photo shoot with Nigel Barker, she looks as natural as possible and is already off to a good start.

:09 Widower, who is dyslexic, is stressed about her Cover Girl commercial. No worries, Widower. It's only a $100,000 contract and the chance of a lifetime! At least she has a legitimate excuse for messing up her lines. Most cycles, girls mess up just because they aren't any good. What's more, Widower didn't let it get to her, and eventually got it within about 10 takes. Compare that to Erin/Mena, who earlier this cycle was whimpering on her last take.

:11 When most models want a mental image to make them smile during a photo shoot with Nigel, they think of Jesus or their boyfriend. Widower is thinking of milkshakes and kittens. If she's not the all-time coolest Top Model contestant by now...

:12 Black Sheep's commercial isn't going well. Jay said she sounds like a rich snob. Maybe Cover Girl is catering to a new clientele these days. Goodbye Wal-mart, hello Nordstrom! ... There's such a juxtaposition between the Southern drawl of Widower and the private school enunciation of Black Sheep, it's almost as if the producers wanted to pit these two against each other on purpose... but hey, they'd never fix it like that. Um, right?

:15 Time for the Seventeen magazine cover shoot, with Ann Shoket leering around, hoping to get on camera a lot to prove she's still editor of the magazine and not just a woman who keeps popping up on "Top Model."

:18 The girls have a sit-down one-on-one interview Tyra, who asks hard-hitting questions like, "How tall are you?" and "So, you're a finalist?" Black Sheep says she used to sit in a bathroom stall during lunch as a student. Those days are over, Black Sheep. Now you can sit in a bathroom stall during lunch as a Top Model!

:20 Widower's grandmother wrote her a letter, saying how proud she is of Widower for making it this far. What grandma isn't saying, Widower, is that she's going to be jacked if you win the competition, because you won't need grandma to make clothes for you anymore. Another unemployed grandma, out on the streets. It really is a tough economy.

:22 It's time to prepare for the final runway performance; isn't it strange the show has the girls do runway in the finale, even though they barely do it at all during the season (this is one area that Bravo's "Make Me A Supermodel" is superior). That would be like "American Idol" asking its finalists to rap. On second thought, let's make that happen.

:23 Erin/Mena, Jennifer/Miss Congeniality, Sundai/Hot Fudge Sundae and Brittany/NC-17 are back to walk with the girls. They do their best to not act jealous.

:24 The girls (also including Cycle 12 winner Teyona) are going to model Julia Clancey designs, which evidently are a mix of Victorian-era, disco balls and pixie dust ... Everyone says they want Widower to win. So if you win, Black Sheep, I'd exit stage left asap.

:27 It's a shame Widower doesn't smile more.

:28 Runway time. The theme is "the elements." Black Sheep's first runway walk is a little scary. She looks like she wants to murder the audience. Maybe "the element" is volcanic explosion?

:30 If The CW is ever hard up for cash, they could probably make a killing selling uncensored "Backstage at 'Top Model' Runway Shows" DVDs. The blurred nipples are everywhere. Meanwhile, Widower looks great on her first walk, despite having never been in a runway show like this before.

:33 Black Sheep does much better on her second walk, with a theme of "Wind." And the last walk is "Water." This is starting to feel like a "Captain Planet" runway show. "This is one of the funnest things I've done," Widower says. Well put, Widower.

:38 It's time for the winner to be revealed. After going through all the girls' photos and work so far, the judges think Black Sheep is very couture, and Widower is very photogenic and personable. And the winner is...

:40 Black Sheep! She can hardly believe "a dork" like her is "America's Next Top Model." Dorks everywhere, rejoice. Too bad for Widower (and for her cows), but you have to think she'll get a modeling job in no time.

---------------------------------

Photos are from The CW.

To discuss Chicago, Chicago

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 15:46:00 +0000

By Friday morning, I will be in a city known for wind, historic losing, Oprah and a musical starring Catherine Zeta Jones' legs.

That's right, it's Chicago.

It's the third time I'll be attending an expenses-paid reporters' conference (who knows why they keep accepting me).

The last time, I went to the A-T-L, but was unable to track down Kim, NeNe or Ludacris. I did, however, have this happen to me:

"Since I didn't want to end up anyone's bitch, handcuffed to a bed with my wallet stolen and a sock in my mouth, I smiled politely and tried to back off. She then leaned over and asked me,
'Do you like bad girls?'"

That trip was also right after the first time Capricorn and I told each other "I love you." We have since told each other that about 10,000 times, and have managed to never say "P.S. I Love You" Hilary Swank style because that would be obnoxious and annoying.

For the first conference, I went to St. Louis, and happened to stay at a hotel across the street from a rally for then-presidential hopeful Barack Obama. I also got to go up in the St. Louis Arch, which I imagine is more or less a claustrophobic's worst nightmare. And how could I forget this random encounter on the street:

Old dude: "Do you know where Blah Blah bar is?"
Me: "Yeah, actually, we just came from there, it's down the street."
Old dude: (To Michigan girl): "You have a nice smile." (pauses... stares awkwardly)
Mich. girl: "Uh...."
(Enter homeless dude)
HD: "Hey y'all... It's my birthday today."
Me: "Well, happy birthday"

Who knows what will happen this time. Any guesses? Knife fight? Chess match with a Chicago Cub? Oprah decides not to leave Chicago just because of my presence?

To discuss Christmas songs, Fa la la la la, la la la already?

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:11:00 +0000

I was quick to write Thanksgiving a letter last week to apologize for Christmas stealing the proverbial holiday thunder.

At the same time, I should confess I've been singing Christmas music for a week now. Before you throw flaming crosses and ninja stars at me, let me explain.

No, it's not because the motherf&*@$# GAP decided it's the holiday shopping season.* It's because I'm singing in a trio now, and we're got a holiday program coming up. Unlike the Bayside Choir, we can't simply just ask Tori Spelling to guest star and hide a malfunctioning boom box beneath the risers. We've got to practice.

For my solos so far, I'll be doing "I'll Be Home for Christmas," "The Christmas Song," and possibly "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" or "Christmas Time Is Here." I've also got a bunch of duets to practice, from "White Christmas" to "Silent Night."

And I'm also doing the David Bowie part in the Bing Crosby duet, "Peace on Earth"; my partner doesn't agree with me she should smoke a pipe and say things like "Yes, that's swell," or "Get back here boy before I beat you with my belt." I guess she's not as committed as I am... I was planning to dress like Ziggy Stardust.

Not considered, because it's the devil's music: "Christmas Shoes."

So I've been listening to Christmas music in my car as preparation. And that brings me to the new poll. What Christmas song played a month or more in advance would make you feel like murdering someone?

For instance, if someone played "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" in a grocery store right now, I'd amputate my arm and beat a baby senseless with it. But if I heard "Carol of the Bells" from the Home Alone soundtrack, I'd be in the holiday spirit and may even donate to the Salvation Army.**

So take a minute and vote in the poll on the right side. And a Merry November to you and yours.

* Capricorn loves this non-holiday GAP commercial with Juliette Lewis. I prefer the "Fall Into the Gap" years.

** Dear Salvation Army: When you put an ATM swipe machine on top of your kettle, you will get a donation from me. Until then, stop making me feel guilty for your lack of technology, just because I don't carry cash. I haven't carried cash in five years. I am considering putting a competing, ATM-ready kettle beside yours, with a sign saying "Donations Go to Support Child Molesters In Need." And I'd still blow you out of the water.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 "Hawaiin Hip Hop"

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:11:00 +0000

Last week, Sundai drowned under the pressure of an underwater shoot, and she was sent home. With just four girls remaining in Cycle 13, it's only going to get more intense as we head into "Hawaiian Hip Hop," which sounds like something out of So You Think You Can Dance.

Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in the season premiere recap): Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), The Widower (Laura)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley), Lelly (Kara), Mommy (Rae) NC-17 (Brittany) Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)

------------------------------------

:04 Mena Suvari has been in the bottom two for three weeks in a row now, and escaped every time. Is that a Top Model record?

:06 The Widower is surprised she's still in the competition, considering not luck ago she was castrating bulls. I'm surprised she still has sunburnt cheeks. Hasn't she figured out the whole sunscreen thing yet?

:07 Hip hop hula dancers ... well, now I've seen it all. Instructor Anna-Ritta Sloss says it's a new interpretation of hula. Then you see the Top Model girls try to do it, and you see a new interpretation of the new interpretation: hip hop hula train wreck.

:17 You know Top Model is struggling to find controversary when, during a practice for the hula challenge, all they can come up with is Black Sheep saying Mena "is getting kind of annoying." Take that, Mena! Oooh, burn! So Miss J, runway diva extraordinaire, says the winner of the challenge gets a trip to Hawaii with a friend. Just for doing hip hop hula? Shoot, where's my grass skirt?

:19 I love Miss J. On Mena's sad-to-happy hula interpretative dance: "It was like, child, please, you were angry." Meanwhile, Widower, out of nowhere, shows she can shake her booty on the hip hop portion. Miss Congeniality thinks Widower "probably gets freaky at the club." I'd think so, too, if I thought Widower had ever, ever been to a club that didn't have line dancing.

:24 Photoshoot time. The big surprise: Two girls are getting eliminated, a major change from Top Model history (usually, it goes down to Top 3, with two girls going home in the final after they all shoot the Cover Girl commercial). The theme is emulating Pele, the Hawaiian goddess of volcanoes. Top Model doesn't take the extreme step of having the girls shoot in a volcano, though. Hey, if Frodo and Sam can do it...

:30 Miss Congeniality is having a tough time modeling with her face and her body at the same time. On top of that, she has a tough time standing on the rocks without falling. Other than that, she's doing great.

:32 Black Sheep is going to win this photo shoot. You can tell by her amazing hair alone. Well, that, and Black Sheep almost always wins the photo shoots.

:33 They make Widower look like Rachel Hunter (Ed. note: I thought that before the judges point it out later). Widower tries doing the off-balance ninja wearing a dress pose. Sexy! I almost forget what Widower sounds like when I see her all done up... and then she talks and you remember she puts the bumpkin in country bumpkin.

:34 According to the photographer, evidently the goddess of volcanoes should be flirty and sexy. Have you ever met a sexy lava flow? Mena turns around her shoot by singing a pop song in her head. Any guesses what the song is? My guess is "I'm a Little Teapot."

:42 Judging time. Guest judge: Ann Shoket, who must never actually be in the office at Seventeen Magazine. The judges think Mena's photo is sexy and Miss Congeniality looks stiff. Tyra wants to help Widower look better in another grandma-made outfit, telling her to adjust the shirt. Can someone tell Tyra, then, that her parachute suit looks ready for takeoff?

:47 The judges love Widower's photo, even if she looks short (and her face looks like she wants to possess your soul). Black Sheep has a great face, but OK pose. This is the Top 4, right? And no one nailed it?

:55 Black Sheep, of course, gets best photo. And the other finalist is ... Widower! That means Miss Congeniality misses being Top Model's first Asian girl in the finals, and Mena misses adding to her record-setting escape of the bottom two. Next week, it's the grand finale, with the Cover Girl commercial and the runway show.

To discuss a trip to the vet for the chihuahua- no, not that chihuahua

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:40:00 +0000

In the past when I've written about trip to the vet, it's been about my chiweenie, Bailey.

There was the time he wouldn't stop licking his paws, as if he was a college co-ed and his paws were tequila.

And there was the time when he had a mysterious back ailment that caused him to hide underneath my bed and shriek like Republicans at the mention of gay marriage.

But this time, the sick puppy is Leo. Leo is Capricorn's chihuahua, about 5 years old. He and Bailey have become best friends and possibly gay lovers, if all the butt sniffing and come hither glances are any indication.

Last week, Leo starting scratching his ear, leading Capricorn to believe he had ear mites. She tried some over the counter medication, which only made the problem worse. So there was no avoiding it. Leo had to go to the vet.

Since I had time this morning, I took him to the appointment. If I look dainty carrying in my 11-pound chiweenie, just think how I look carrying in a 5-pound chihuahua. I might as well start butt sniffing.

The veterinary center had been remodeled since I had last gone (which I surely would pay for in some manner when the bill came). On a giant flat screen TV behind the receptionist, Cesar Milan, even on mute, reminded me I'm not being a good pack leader and should lower my head in shame. You say Dog Whisperer, I say Human Humiliator.

Soon, Leo and I went into a room, where he got the ol' rectal thermometer (unlike Bailey, his eyes didn't pop out like a Troll doll). He got weighed: 4.8 pounds, smaller than most cats. All that yo-yo dieting is really getting to you, Leo.

As a vet about my age and ostensibly much better paid than I checked out Leo's ear, she said he likely had a yeast infection. How embarrassing, Leo. Now they're gonna have to give you Monistat. Oh, not that type of yeast infection? Should I put him in the oven to rise?

As it turns out, he just needs some medicated drops and antibiotics, which I could have told them without the $20 test but hey, what do I know, I got shamed by a reality television dog whisperer.

The vet and her assistant left the room. That gave me time to look at all the literature around the room, reminding me of how many tests/preventive medications I wasn't nice enough to give to my dogs. God help a paranoid pet owner. The sole purpose of all that stuff is to make sure you think your dog will become rabid at any moment and eat your flesh off unless you get him vaccinated. And once you're done with that, you better get heartworm prevention or you'll get an $800 bill for heartworm treatment, plus get shamed again. Curiously, none of the signs mentioned anything about erectile dysfunction, which I'm sure must affect millions of dogs everywhere. Except Bailey. And he's fixed.

I was also curious about the magazine selection. What are they trying to say about Gwen Stefani? And is the idea here no guys ever take their pets to the vet? Shouldn't there be a Playboy? At least we could stare at Bunnies.*

* Hey-yoooo!

After Leo tried fiercely not to get drops in his ear, what with having been ear raped minutes earlier as they cleaned everything out, we were all done.

The bill came to about $150. Having a pet is like having a kid. It's not like you can say, "You know what... I think I'll just let the little guy suffer. I'd rather not have to spend $150. There's a sale at Banana Republic" Then you're a monster, and ripe for an appearance on Maury Povich. (Show title: Shocking Pet Owners Refuse To Pay Vet; Neighbors, Family and baby Jesus appalled)

Leo's ear seems to be doing better. That's good. Because otherwise I was just going to Van Gogh that sucker.

To discuss it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas?

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 14:43:00 +0000

Dear Thanksgiving:

On behalf of jag-offs everywhere, I apologize. I haven't seen this much thunder stolen since Urkel joined "Family Matters" and Carl Winslow became an afterthought.

Once Halloween is over, it's no secret marketers and businesses want to remind us it's the holidays. Commercials tell us to shop now for Christmas before it's too late. In reality, it's too late on Dec. 26. It's not too late Dec. 24.

But the commercials aren't a big deal, and to be expected. I can even look past Jim Carrey's "Christmas Carol" movie coming out last weekend, hoping without cause it could be better than Muppet Christmas Carol.

What's not to be expected is for people to jump the gun and start decorating for Christmas now, before anyone has carved a turkey, watched Al Roker flag down parade floats or watched the Detroit Lions in their annual Thanksgiving Day loss.

On Friday, I was driving down an autumn foliage covered road. Fall was in the air (and likely H1N1, but that doesn't have pretty leaves).

And then what to my wondering eyes did appear, but an inflatable Santa Claus, lights and general Christmas regalia spread all over the side of a house and lawn, inviting me to have a Merry Christmas.

Full holiday decorations. Nov. 5.

And then yesterday, Thanksgiving, you remember what happened? I drove through a town that had jack-o-lanterns decaying gracefully on doorsteps, hoping to scare off children one last time with the threat of a bacterial infection. I saw brown banners on light posts adorned with leaves. I had football on the radio, and leaves falling from the trees. It was fall in all its splendor.

Except for the garland and Christmas bells hanging throughout the town.

So, Thanksgiving, it seems once again you are the redheaded stepchild of holidays. You are a mere formality to Black Friday, a roadbump to Christmas morn.

Sorry about your loss. Maybe next year, try adding gift-giving to your holiday's list of traditions, right after the turkey feast. Steal the thunder right back from Jesus. He already gets two holidays a year, anyway.

Sincerely,
Wild ARS Chase

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 "Dive Deeper"

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:20:00 +0000

Last week, Brittany couldn't cut it in the biracial photo shoot, which was either a really cool racially progressive idea, or a really stereotypical, racist thing to do. Hard to say when it comes to Top Model. We're now down to the Top 5 in last night's Cycle 13 episode, "Dive Deeper."

Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), The Widower (Laura), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley), Lelly (Kara), Mommy (Rae) and NC-17 (Brittany)
-------------------------

:05 Mena Suvari is feeling the pressure. She finished in the bottom two two weeks in a row, as she watched Mommy and NC-17 get kicked off. Mena says at age 18, this is the biggest thing she's ever done. C'mon, Mena. American Beauty was the biggest thing you've ever done. You almost blew Kevin Spacey.

:06 Hot Fudge Sundae reveals she used to be in a foster home, but it's made her a better person- an admirable attitude. Not as admirable: She's sucking her thumb.

:07 It's The Widower's birthday, and she couldn't be happier. As she noted, she's gone from "castrating bulls to modeling." Yeah, but since you started modeling, Widower, it's been Bulls Gone Wild back on the farm. It's a veritable orgy.

:09 Swimsuit model/Victoria's Secret model/teenage boy dirty fantasy Marisa Miller,
the guest judge for the week, is on the beach to teach the girls about swimsuit modeling. Contrary to my belief, the object isn't to just look like the swimsuit is going to fall off at any moment. There's actual technique.

:10 I'd tell you more about what happened during the bikini session, but I passed out.

:11 Another blurred out moment: Widower's bikini top must have had a malfunction. There's been a lot of blurred out moments on Top Model this year. Just wait for them to release an uncensored DVD... Meanwhile, the girls practice being sexy under a shower. Drowned rat must be the new sexy. The only thing getting turned on right now is the faucet.

:19 For the challenge, the girls have to jump off a cliff into the water, giving a good pose on the way down. Mena says she has no problem jumping. "I'll jump off anything." Really? Are you taking requests? I know some girls in the house who might make a suggestion.

:23 What a surprise, Black Sheep wins. Miss Congeniality, who isn't very congenial this episode, practically is ill thinking of Black Sheep winning another event. It reminds me of Melrose- she won all the time, and the girls hated that. Melrose ended up losing to Caridee. So that means Black Sheep will end up losing to... Marisa Miller, who enters the competition for the chance to get on the cover of Seventeen magazine.

:25 All the girls except Mena are awarded extra frames at the next photo shoot, as nobody wanted to choose Mena because she's a "brat," according to Black Sheep. When the girl who everyone is jealous of says you're the unlikeable one, you know things aren't going well.

:32 Photo shoot time. The girls are shooting underwater, which they should have been expecting because it's a Top model staple. Without watching ahead, you just know one of the girls will have some issue with being underwater and freak out. It's like a girl being late for go-sees. P.S. I watch too much Top Model.

:33 Widower freaks out at first, but gets it together and remains adorable as she explains how it's bad to "Freak out at the bottom of the ocean." Actually, you are about 5 feet underwater, Widower, but we like you, so it's OK.

:35 Hot Fudge Sundae (who freaked out) comes up with all kinds of excuses on why she can't do the shoot. Jay Manuel said stop screwing around and do it. As someone with asthma, I don't buy her excuse she can't hold her breath underwater because of asthma. You're giving kids with asthma a bad name. And trust me- my middle school years prove we don't need any help.

:44 Judging time. Once again, Widower has an outfit on her grandma made. Her grandma must do nothing but sew all day. Give granny a break, Widower. Let her go castrate a bull once in a while. Side note: Marisa Miller's top is so low cut, she has bottom and top cleavage. It's epic cleavage.

:46 Miss Congeniality says she stops breathing during judging because of nerves. During deliberation, Marisa says Miss Congeniality's pose is "too erect." Miss J replies "it can never be too erect." Now I'm the one who's not breathing.

:56 Miss Congeniality gets top photo, followed by Black Sheep and Widower. Hot Fudge Sundae and Mena (for the third time in a row) are in the bottom two.

:58 And Hot Fudge Sundae goes home. They must really love Mena to keep stringing her along. Or maybe they'll just string her along to Top 2 and then cut her. Tyra's evil like that.

To discuss a month in review: October 2009

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:00:00 +0000

October is one of my favorite times of the year, what with the autumn foliage (suck on that Australia... just kidding, love you), its new TV shows, its football and its playoff baseball. The downside: There are no federal holidays I could take off. Let's invent one. Please leave nominations.

While you do that, let's take a look at the October Month in Review.

For a flashback, here's October 2008.

Favorite movie: "Zombieland" I love zombie movies. I love funny, quirky movies. I love random references to Ghostbusters. I love Zombieland. Easy enough, right?

Runner-Up (Two): "16 Candles" Capricorn couldn't believe it, but I hadn't seen "16 Candles" (or "Pretty in Pink, or a plethora of other 80s movies) before. So she made me watch it, and it was very enjoyable. Kind of funny watching a pubescent John Cusack.
And...
"Wanted" It was a bit Matrix/Eagle Eye, but still managed to come up with some new tricks (landing a car on the side of a bus/shooting bullets in a circle), had at least somewhat plausible answers to obvious questions (a healing pool that makes up for the fact these assassins get shot at all the time) and had Angelina Jolie, who was perfect for the role and made me forget she's got 20 kids. Unless she only took the role so she could learn how to train her kids to be assassins. Because that would be genius. Watch out, Jennifer Aniston!

Least favorite movie: "Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emporer" I am a huge fan of the first Mummy movie; I had a huge thing for Rachel Weisz, and it had all the funny lines and good action you could want this side of Indiana Jones. The second movie had the annoying kid, but still had you along for a great ride. The Scorpion King, the branch-off version starring the Rock, was, um ... how about that first Mummy? So when I finally got around to the latest Mummy, now with Jet Li and with Maria Bello, I at least hoped to be entertained. Sweet fancy mustard, no. It was believable for Rachel Weisz to be an English professor-type; it was ridiculous to ask Maria Bello to do the same. It was fun watching Brendan Fraser battle mummies; it wasn't that much fun watching his now grown-up son do it while he and dad tried to force some father-son bonding. Oh, and there are Yetis.

Favorite song: "Wishing Well" Airborne Toxic Event. Listen to it once. It'll get stuck in your head, but in a good way. Not like that "This is the song that never ends" Lambchops song. Which is now stuck in your head.

Runner-up: "Forever" Drake, Kanye, Lil Wayne and Eminem. I'm on a real big rap kick right now. It's like I'm 16 all over again, except this time it's even more awkward.

Least favorite song: Anything Mariah Carey has done lately. So I guess that includes Nick Cannon.

Favorite TV Show: "Curb Your Enthusiasm." I think I was too jaded about the end of Seinfeld to catch on to this show when it started. Now that the Seinfeld cast is making guest appearances, I'm just jumping on board.

Runner-up: "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" A little uneven- didn't really love the World Series episode- but at its best, one of the best comedies going. I told Capricorn she should dress like Desert Rose for Halloween. She told me to dress like Desert Grape ... Highlight this season so far: Charlie's blind date ("I'm a full on rapist."... "You mean philathropist?")

(Modern Family gets an honorable mention, as does Say Yes to the Dress, if Capricorn had her say)

Worst TV show: "The Girls Next Door." On top of being creepy, now the girls aren't even likeable. I'm too old to date the twins. I'm in my mid-20s.

Best moment: Capricorn and I having a daylong date in Gettysburg, which included seeing Little Round Top and Zombieland- those are two different things. Runner-up: Fall Fest 2009

Worst moments: Not a worst moment for me, but man, some of you really love your Glee, don't you?

Best decision: Taking the latter part of last week to visit my college and talk to high schoolers about becoming journalists. One student was even kind enough to ask how much I make. Once I stopped crying and took the pistol out of my mouth, I was more than glad to help her. I also got to see my parents, who have updated me on everything our neighbors are doing. What are parents for?

Favorite Blog Post by Me: It's just fun to make fun of the very things we used to love, isn't it?

Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: LiLu did her very own Post Secret event, and the results were legen... wait for it

Blogger of the Month: ... dary. And that, among many reasons, is why LiLu gets my Blogger of the Month award for October 2009. Maybe this will finally make her family proud of her.

I have my doubts.

To discuss live Tweeting trick-or-treat 2009

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:02:00 +0000

Last year, I decided to chronicle my first time handing out candy at Halloween as an adult. I've since moved to a new complex, so why not go for round two of live Tweeting? Here's the recap of my Tweets, or Twits, or Tweeters, or whatever made-up name old Twitter updates are called. Twats?

Another Halloween, another year of live Tweeting trick-or-treat. Might be short-lived: it's raining. I should prob. be at a party somewhere.
First failed idea of the night: Capricorn nixed my idea to put a Megan's Law warning sign outside our door, to see which kids are hardcore
When I was a kid, I went trick-or-treating no matter what, even when it snowed. I even went when I was 16 and I drove house to house.
@clevertia I figure if a kid wants candy bad enough to risk being molested, he can have the whole bowl. And a lifetime of nightmares.
First trick-or-treaters: Transformer and a Spanish dancer of some sort. I didn't tell the Transformer his movies are overrated. He was 5.
Some people just drove slowly past my front door and laughed. Wonder if it was the rotting pumpkin, or a dude writing on his laptop in the rain?
Next group included ninja, bee and a baby lion, with a mom dressed as some sort of slutty 80s dancer. That's a win all around.
Just saw a chihuahua with a Mexican poncho. Good thing Bailey didn't see or he would've flipped out I didn't get him one. He can be a diva.
Huge group came by, lots of costumes. One boy was dressed as a "kid in sweatshirt in it for the free candy." Very creative.
Genius idea: Older kid, not in costume, got candy from me by saying, "Uh, it's for the little girl coming up behind me." I think he was solo.
@stateiamin I like the dedication. Why do all of us feel like wimps now? What happened?
To spice up the trick-or-treating, I'm reading this http://bit.ly/2u8Qdo @livitluvit post while handing out candy. You should too. (Ed. note: NSFW post)
Punk kid *peers into my apt* "Did you like just move in?" Me: "Uh... yeah?" Reality: It's been more than a year. Jerk.
Clarification: This post http://bit.ly/pV7FZ is by @whatkindofgirl, not @livitluvit, although it's funny I assumed it was livitluvit. (Ed. note: It was linked on her site)
Would it be bad taste if I wore a mask, put up caution tape and told kids not to get their H1N1 all over my candy?
If you are old enough to show cleavage, you might be too old for trick-or-treating. Or you should be at a party making bad decisions.
Just got back from trip to Walmart. It was hard to tell w ho was in costume and who was a regular Walmart customer.*

* It was a top-notch night for Wal-mart**. They were really coming out of the woodwork; there very well could have been some qualifying entries for this.

** Capricorn and I had to go so we could buy dog food. Usually, I get a little five pound bag, but Bailey and Leo eat through it faster than Oprah through a corndog. So Capricorn convinced me to buy a 40-pound bag this time. To summarize, I have 40 pounds of food for 12 pounds of dog. We should be set at least until 2012, when John Cusack battles the apocalypse.

To discuss what I should teach young journalistic minds this week

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 12:30:00 +0000

On Thursday, I'll be speaking to high school kids attending a media conference at my alma mater university.

The topic: Blogging and journalism.

I'll try to drop in what I've learned, whether it's using Twitter for reporting, or writing a reality show blog to attract a different readership/get paid to watch So You Think You Can Dance.

Now, I've already dispensed social media advice to all you in the summer.

The budding journalists I talk to this week can only pray my advice is just as sage when I speak to them.

Since you won't be there, here are some of my possible words of advice:

Don't believe all the hype about "the Internet." People love holding an unwieldy and bulky newspaper. There's something about the lack of Google searchability and timeliness that readers just love. I mean, everyone was doom-and-gloom over postal mail when e-mail invented, and look how that turned out!
Interested in podcasting? Instead of doing clips about the day's hot news topics, try spicing things up. Listeners would much rather hear whether you agree with Esquire magazine naming Kate Beckinsale the sexiest woman alive* than they would about your views on property tax reform. Or, converge the two to get the most listeners. "In a meeting last night, the board members said 'insurance costs have caused us to inflate tax increases.' Speaking of 'caused us to inflate' ... Kate Beckinsale."
Leave the news to the bloggers. Sure, you might say they have limited access to sources, a lack of training on how to write a cohesive, fact-checked story, and a lack of understanding of how news is put together. But their unvalidated opinions still have lots of moxie! And when people get their news, they'll take moxie over accuracy and/or objectiveness anytime.
Use your official newspaper Twitter account to trash talk sources. They won't be mad because you're just being so darn cutting edge using your social media to reach readers. Hey, everyone knows Twitter wasn't popular until news talk shows did feature segments on it. You control fads! While you're at it, young journalist, use your new-found power to bring back Trapper Keepers. They're the shiz!
Petition Facebook to allow you to add attribution to your status updates, so people will know that you verified your state of being. If you tell me you are "in a relationship," I want to know it's "according to my girlfriend." If you are "It's complicated" I want to feel confident that it's "according to my sister's bisexual husband who 'accidentally' felt me up and I kinda liked it but then remember he used to be a she who liked he's and she's but now just she's since he's a he" Attribution, attribution, attribution.

* While I can't disagree in theory- Kate Beckinsale is crazy attractive- doesn't Esquire really mean, "The sexiest white female celebrity actor and/or singer"? It's not like Esquire searched the earth finding the sexiest woman; for instance, my girlfriend, despite being uber-sexy, was not considered. Were any of you?

To discuss a Cosmo review: November 2009

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:30:00 +0000

It's been a few months since the last Cosmo review, after I went on Cosmo overload in August with a We Are Cosmo stog.

But Kim Kardashian's on the cover of the November 2009 edition, so you know I can't miss the opportunity. I've got all of you to think about. Let's get into Cosmo. As always, don't read this if you wear a WWJD bracelet.

The cover alone offers a myriad of "duhs" Cosmo assumes readers are either idiots or virgins. "What He Thinks During Sex." Um, he thinks, 'Woohooooo! Booobbbiieeess!' "Kim Kardashian: The Mistake That Still Haunts Her- No, Not the Sex Tape"Actually, yes, the sex tape. "Bad Girl Issue: For Sexy Bitches Only" Good thing I renewed my sexy bitch permit.
Are Cosmo readers secretly lesbians? There are a lot of ads with topless chicks. A lot.
Cover subject Kim Kardashian: In the quiz, she says she's tired of having to defend my "butt!! It's real, OK!!!!" Kim, of course we know that. You proved it in your home exercise video ... Wait, that wasn't about home exercise? Yeah, right, and next you're going to tell me "One Night in Paris" wasn't a documentary on the perils of drug abuse.
Kim says the sex video was a mistake, "and I don't make the same mistake twice." Next time, she'll get better lighting and an iTunes distribution deal.
Cosmo Man Manual: Tear-away cards to take to the bar so you can decipher a guy's body language. I'll tell you this much: If you whip out a body language advice card while trying to decipher a man, you might as well call it a night. "Excuse me, Hottie McGuy, but can you not move for a second? I'm trying to figure out if you are subconsciously undressing me."
Dear Cosmo: I appreciate you including a photo in the "Man Manual" section of a girl wearing a wife-beater with no bra, but it's worthless nipple. I can't get aroused by Cosmo nipple. It's like cleavage at church- you weren't supposed to see it in the first place, and when you do, you don't know what to do with it.
Before They Were Hotties: I feel better knowing Brad Pitt had a double-chin before. Of course, he was a baby, but I'll take it.
What He's Really Thinking During Sex: "When I see that those giant breasts she had really came form a push-up bra, it's a huge disappointment," Allan, 28. Also a disappointment, Allan: When she takes off your pants and find a balled-up tube sock.
Another example: "Talking dirty is cool, but I do not want to be called Daddy by anyone in bed," Dan, 30. Totally acceptable alternatives, Dan: Step-Daddy, Lord of the Groin, or Pretty, Pretty Princess.
"The New Way to Foreplay: Cosmo's uncovered some surprisingly sensitive parts of the body." How is it possible there are parts of the body Cosmo has yet to find erogenous? At this point, they are down to elbows, kidneys and heels. Here's a hint, Cosmo: Advise women to directly touch a man's Private Benjamin. We'll salute every time. Don't try to reinvent the penis.
Cosmo's 2009 Bachelor Blowout: A hottie from every state. Capricorn thumbed through all the guys and found about 18 that were passable. She almost gagged at a few. We particularly enjoyed the guys who listed their interests as "playing the guitar," "surfing" or "generally being kind of a douche."
There's an entire section about being a bad girl. Except, in Cosmo terms, all that seems to mean is that you are super, super, SUPER slutty and likely have a tramp stamp. Oh, and you swear like a trucker ... while having slutty slut sex with strangers.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 "Interview 101"

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:47:00 +0000

Last week, Kara (Lelly) got kicked off after a disastrous ninja photo shoot. This week, in "Interview 101," we get to the all-important Cover Girl commercial shoot. Let's see what happens.

Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), The Widower (Laura), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley) and Lelly (Kara).

-------------------------

:05 The girls are still ragging on Black Sheep. NC-17 says Black Sheep still has no personality, and that NC-17's personality "is one girl's can relate to." So girls can relate to being jealous?

:07 The girls go see Lara Spencer, host of "The Insider," and Ant, host of Celebrity Fit Club. The girls have to practice interviewing different stereotypess of actors, from strung out to high strung. Do they practice "the Tyra"?

:11 The Widower is worried about the interview challenge, as she has a learning disability that hurts her reading skills. Some girls don't do well when the teleprompter goes out while they interview "90210" actress Jessica Lowndes. If Top Model wanted a "90210" actress, why not get Lori Loughlin? At least then the girls could ad-lib questions about Full House. "So, do you think Becky and Joey were secretly having an affair?"

:13 The Widower is up. The teleprompter turns into a garbled mess of numbers and symbols. "0163. Is that a word?" The Widower wonders off-camera. On-camera, she blurts out the f-bomb. Otherwise, she's doing awesome!

:20 Mena is great on-camera, partially because she's done so many movies before. (If no one has told Erin she looks like Mena Suvari, I'd be shocked). She wins the challenge, and she and two friends, Miss Congeniality and Mommy, get to go on a Seventeen magazine shoot.

:24 Cover Girl commercial day. The girls get prep kits to practice. You know The Widower is going to struggle, maybe as much as Jael did on that Aussie shoot a few seasons ago (a total trainwreck).

:29 Teyona, who was terrible on Cycle 12's Cover Girl shoot but won the competition anyway, is there to mentor the girls. Is it me, or did anyone else forget Teyona won, and not Allison? Is it me, or does anyone remember who won any of the seasons?

:31 The girls are promoting Exact eye makeup. But it looks like they are holding a tampon. Black Sheep does surprisingly well. Hot Fudge Sundae sounds like a dude -- Nigel Barker says "she sounds like an amateur." Nigel thinks Miss Congeniality, however, is "naturally charming."

:33 The Widower, as predicted, does a terrible job remembering her lines, but is oozing charm. NC-17... you could almost hear the crickets. At least they let the girls spend the night memorizing Cover Girl lines this time. Usually, all the girls mess up.

:36 Mena implodes (not literally, though, as that would be messy). "This has been the most stressful situation anyone could have pressed me into," she says in the confessional, fighting back tears. Of all the people I thought might implode, Mena was on the bottom.

:42 Guest judge: Kim Kardashian, who is a fashion expert... says Tyra.

:44 The judges love Miss Congeniality's video, which was very, um, congenial. Kim loves it, too, probably thinking, "I haven't been that comfortable on camera since... well, let's just forget about that."

:46 Widower admits she's severely dyslexic, and that words on the page seem like they are moving. And she still did a nice job on the commercial, which can only make Mena feel worse. If that's possible, that is.

:49 Mena's commercial looks like she's talking about genocide, not eye makeup. She is sniffling by the end of it. Let's just say it's not Cover Girl-esque.

:53 The judges deliberate, mocking the way Hot Fudge Sundae sounded like a used car salesmen. She could probably sell a Taurus easier than mascara.

:55 Miss Congeniality goes first, followed by Black Sheep, NC-17, Sundae, Widower...

:56 ... leaving Mommy and Mena. Tyra says Mommy doesn't stand out, and Mena signed up for American Pie 2. Mommy is going home, though, as Top Model never keeps girls once they feel there's no potential.

To discuss a blast from the past: Columbia House Music Club

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:26:00 +0000

Dear Columbia House Music:

You have to feel like IDIOTS. C'mon, don't try to look all naive and innocent.

You know what I'm talking about.

Remember your whole BMG/Columbia House Music Club? I was just reminded of it recently. What a sweet deal that was, back in the day. You'd sign up for the club (by mailing in a card, as the Internet was still in its 26k days, or nonexistent), and instantly get 12 free CDs/Tapes/Records/Music Boxes or whatever format was popular.

Then, oh then, all you had to do was buy a few more albums within two years, usually at a marked-up price, and you'd get to keep those 12 free albums! What a deal!

I could hardly resist it when I was 12 or 13, knowing I could get awesome CDs of Ace of Base, Mariah Carey and Monica (I feel you, Monica. Just one of 'dem days, that a girl goes th... oh, you're talking about PMS? Oh. That's awkward for me... uh...) for free if I could get my mom to pay for another five CDs at a price of $14.98 or more each, even though Wal-mart and every other store sold them for cheaper.

Some may say the whole deal was a scam and it's easier to withdraw troops from Iraq than it is to get out of the Columbia House Music Club, but hey, free CDs!

Have you ever seen a business model implode? Door-to-door milk delivery, Hummers during a gas price crisis, online groceries, newspapers (I kid, I kid)...

Columbia, when iTunes came around, did you physically poop your pants, or just metaphorically?

iTunes won't give me 12 free mp3 albums just for registering, but they also let me buy songs for .99 cents each, and albums song by song. Oh, and I get them right now, instead of waiting for them in the mail. And if I'm feeling particularly sneaky, I could just download stuff for free on bittorrent sites.

How did you miss the gravy train on this one? And how in the world do you still have your music club in business? Even bigger question: At what point did you say, "Eh, mp3 downloading is just a fad, what people really want is to order their music and have it mailed to them so they can keep up with membership commitments!"

Good job offering DVDs, at least... except that Netflix is raping you there, too.

Sincerely,
Former customer

P.S. Thanks again for that sweet Ace of Base, CD, though. It's All That (I) Want.

To discuss Fall Fest 2009: If Hallmark can do it, we can do it

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:30:00 +0000

It's hard to believe it's been year since Fall Fest 2008.

That might not mean much to you, but then again, you're probably the type of inconsiderate person who would force your son to hide in a cardboard box so you could create a media circus about an ill-fated balloon.

Fall Fest 2008 was the fabricated holiday Capricorn and I dreamed up last October, because there's nothing better than sticking it to Hallmark and creating a fake holiday they don't have covered.

This weekend, we celebrated Fall Fest 2009. Several similarities from last year, both planned and unplanned, occurred, including:

It was cold and raining, ruining any chance to enjoy the autumn foliage
We randomly heard System of a Down's "Chop Suey," which may now be the unofficial anthem of Fall Fest
I chose a pumpkin three times the size of Capricorn's, overly compensating for my gourd envy

Here's the photo recap:

We kicked off Fall Fest with a trip to an out-of-town Goodwill-- two, in fact-- as it seemed Fall Festian to check out random clothes of strangers, plus Capricorn loves Goodwill.

This wasn't for a costume. This was being sold with business suits. I assume this suit means, "Let's close this deal, or I'll blow your head off with my shotgun."

If I ever get to the point in which I need to buy second-hand underwear, well... call that guy who buys the camo business suit and tell him to shoot me right in the second-hand genitals.

After a consignment store discovery and lunch at a diner, which had both a nautical and a country theme, we stopped at a costume store.

Capricorn pointed out even the kiddie girl costumes are kind of slutty. I don't think it's anything worse than the stuff the girls on Toddlers and Tiaras wear... which is to say, yeah, it's slutty.

... which makes sense, because the adult girl costumes are SUPER slutty (there was even an "Adult Section" just for slutty costumes). I actually had a tough time figuring out which was the sluttiest of the Slutty McSluts. I know Halloween is an excuse for good Christian girls to fly their freak flag, but c'mon: What nurse wears garters? Is this part of Obama's health care plan? (Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.)

Disturbing: There was a grandma helping her teenage daughter pick one of these outfits. More disturbing: Little kids were walking around the aisles. Most disturbing: Some really fat chick will probably squeeze into one of these and not realize the transgression.

Then Capricorn tried on a mask. She gets an A for effort and a F for Freaking Me Out.

And I tried on a mask. Capricorn marveled at the creepiness. I enjoyed the Disney princesses.

And finally, we bought pumpkins and came back to the house to carve ~~children~~ jack 'o' lanterns, while watching Capricorn's scary movie choice (House of a 1,000 Corpses, starring Dwight from The Office), which, while gory, wasn't nearly as disturbing as our movie choice last year. We also watched my choice, Dawn of the Dead, which has the great scene when they start sniping zombies that look like celebrities.

Capricorn went for the ghost style pattern...

... And I went for the bat on a house. We bought a pumpkin carving kit designed for children, so fortunately we were able to make passable replicas of the designs. I always feel some pressure with pumpkin carving to not be outdone by a 7-year-old.

Sadly, even a year later, I still do the same goofy faces.... And that, friends, is the tale of Fall Fest 2009.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 'Petite Ninja Warriors'

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:18:00 +0000

Last week, the girls had the Benny Ninja challenge. Ashley, despite her dance background, wasn't good at dancing. That would be like me not being good at a writi... hey, forget I mentioned it. The girls also had a Cirque de Soleil photo shoot with Sundai, Brittany and Rae doing the best. (There was no recap last week because of a Tivo issue. I would rather blame the machine than myself.)

Now on to this week's Play by Play. Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley)
-----------------------
:05 The girls goof around with "Top Model: The Musical," as Mommy pretends to be The Widower, using a horrendous Southern accent. The Widower, who is all types of adorable, admits she's a small town girl, but wants people to know she's been out of her small town a bunch. I hope she's not counting the models' stop at Wal-mart a few weeks ago as "out of her small town."

:06 Lelly doesn't understand why Black Sheep does so well in the competition and yet "has no personality" and "sounds like a robot." Lelly, that's because the robot can take good pictures, and yours look the same every week. This isn't Miss America. If it was, one of the models would have told us by now about the virtues opposite marriage.

:07 Go-sees time. Bold prediction that comes true every season: One of the girls won't make it back in time. It's as if they don't watch previous seasons to realize that's a big deal. That'd be like forgetting the lyrics on "American Idol."

:08 A twist this year: The girls are split into pairs, and have to drive themselves to each go-see. I'm praying for a fender bender, but I don't think I'll be that lucky

:09 First go-see for NC-17 and Lelly is at a jewelry store. Lelly doesn't have pierced ears, "a disaster," says the owner, Neil Lane. Lelly must have seen the Full House when Stephanie pierces her own ears and gets an infection. I understand, Lelly. By the way, they are showing a ton of Lelly footage so far. That's usually an omen.

:11 Widower is at a TV commercial go-see. She says she can do a hood-rat accent. Evidently in Widower's hood, people talk like flamboyant Australians.

:13 Skyler Mattson, one of the TV commercial reps, said Lelly looked like a trainwreck with greasy hair. But enough about the positives, what about the negatives, Skyler?

:21 Hot Fudge Sundae and Mommy have only gone to two go-sees, and Sundae wants to fit another one in, while Mommy, being very Mommy-like, says there's no time and wants to drive back. Sundae overrules her, and it looks like we've found our "who's going to be late?" contestants.

:23 Annnnnddd I was right. Sean Patterson from Wilhelmina Model gives the pair a tongue-lashing. "I don't have the time to deal with you right now. I don't even want you in the room." He really hates models who are late. And I would, too. But it's not quite the same being late in a reality TV competition set up for someone to fail, right?

:25 Black Sheep wins, and is so happy to win a challenge after having an awful photo shoot last week. Of course, most of the other girls get jealous. Lelly and Hot Fudge Sundae both mock Black Sheep's monotone voice. Little do they know, the girls who make fun of other girls out of jealousy on Top Model are doomed to failure. Recent examples: Ashley and Lulu.

:32 Photoshoot time. The girls are dressed like (fashionable) ninja warriors and are suspended in the air with a wire harness. And who hasn't done that lately? I call that "Saturdays."

:36 Lelly is STILL making fun of Black Sheep's voice. Dear Lelly: You are the pot. Black Sheep is the kettle. Your voices are the black. Get it? And Lelly's photo shoot was awful, unless the objective is to look like you need to use the bathroom.

:38 Hot Fudge Sundae is struggling. It's hard, she says, to keep track of how the props look, keeping her face pretty, moving her limbs, finding a good pose... or, as some call it, "modeling."

:45 Judging time. The guest judge is Jessica White, who has been in Sports Illustrated seven times and looks like the black version of Megan Fox. Mena has great shots, possible Mena's best work since American Beauty, or at least since the second episode.

:52 Black Sheep gets the top photo, giving her a two-for-two week. After that, it's Widower and NC-17, who is wearing a top so low cut, Tyra says if she wore the same top, "it would be slightly pornographic." No, Tyra, it would be like your old Sports Illustrated photos. After that, it's Mena, Miss Congeniality and Mommy.

:55 That leaves Lelly and Hot Fudge Sundae in the bottom two, no surprise. And Lelly gets kicked off, despite having a fashionable face. Lelly says it was stupid to even audition for Top Model now that she didn't win. Lelly, don't you watch those "Top Model: Models in Action" segments each week? It doesn't matter if you win- you're all destined to a somewhat successful but not widely recognizable career.