Wild ARS Chase

To discuss Feliz Navidad 2009: Hola, Santa!

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 15:07:00 +0000

I can hardly believe it's been a year since Capricorn and I first celebrated Feliz Navidad, our Christmas decorating/Mexican food fiesta.

Just like last year, we had our first snowfall of the year, coincidentally, on Feliz Navidad. I think that means God was in agreeance. Or that God was crying and it happened to be cold out. Either way.

There are several key ingredients to a good Feliz Navidad:

1) Christmas decorating
2) Mexican food
3) Holiday movies
4) Chihuahuas
5) Immigrants*

* Optional

Well, we all know I've got more chihuahuas around here than I know what to do with, so that's done. For Mexican food this time, we went with tacos. Whoever (Whomever? Ah, who ((whom?)) cares?) came up with the idea to wrap spicy beef in a corn flour shell is a genius.

On to the holiday movies. This is where it gets tricky. We watched Home Alone last year, so that was out, and let's not even talk about the sequels. We also recently watched The Santa Clause 2 (the first one is Capricorn's favorite Christmas movie).

So, based on what was available, we had some old classics, some new favorites, some awful Lifetime-y crap and some holiday movies that should have never been made. Example, according to the Comcast description:

"Santa's Slay": "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He's actually Satan's son, who lost a bet and has had to spend the last thousand years giving gifts and being nixw. But this Christmas, the thousand years is up. Starring WWE star Bill Goldberg."

We passed on this one, even though Amazon users gave it four out of five stars, just a half-star less than "It's a Wonderful Life."

We decided to go with The Family Stone, a vastly underrated Christmas movie. It does have Sarah Jessica Parker in it, but it also has Claire Danes, Rachel McAdams and Diane Keaton, so it's a wash.

As per Feliz Navidad tradition, I put the Spanish subtitles on, but foreign languages are annoying after a minute or two (let's just be honest). I switched it to the commentary with SJP and co-star Dermot Mulroney, who somehow gets leading man status in multiple films despite a first name that makes him sound like Kermit's closet boyfriend.

Now on to the decorating. As I tightly wound the last bit of a string of blue lights around the center of our fake tree, Capricorn asked if I had tested them out first. No, I responded, since they had worked for three years.

Ten minutes later, we were at Wal-mart, buying blue lights that actually worked.

I then had to unwrap and then rewrap the lights, as Capricorn baked Christmas tree sugar cookies. Have you ever thought about how silly it is we put lights on a giant indoor plant to celebrate the birth of Jesus (aside from the fact we decorate trees out of an old pagan tradition)? Wouldn't it make more sense for families to go out and buy a crib each year to decorate? Or breastfeed each oth ... I mean, yeah, Christmas tree decorating it is!

Oh, and just in case you remembered, I busted out my door decoration again this year. If you recall, my mom made this last year, and it won first prize for best holiday door decoration. Here's hoping for two years in a row. I'm like the Yankees of doors, except not as expensive or douchey.

Merry Feliz Navidad to you and your illegal immigrants.

To discuss catchphrases that are so fetch

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 16:20:00 +0000

I think it's about time I had my own catchphrase.

Think about it. All the greats have their own.

"Did I do that?" - Urkel
"How rude!" - Stephanie Tanner
"Mission Accomplished" - former President Bush
"It depends on what the definition of 'is' is"- former President Clinton
"*crickets chirping*" - Spencer Pratt's head

Making a catchphrase is difficult business, though. Just like Gretchen trying, in vain, to make "fetch" happen in Mean Girls, you can't just force it. There has to be a natural progression of things. It's an organic process, much like how how Will Smith would yell, "Dammnnnnn" when a fly honey would walk by, as fly honeys are prone to do on Fresh Prince.

For no particular reason, I made up a word for my catchphrase. That way, no one can say they've said it before, and no one can dispute the meaning. Think of Skeeter's "Honk! Honk!" from "Doug." That's just genius. On the surface, Skeeter is saying, "I'm in agreement, or I'm glad to see you." On a deeper level, it's a social commentary on the dangers of nuclear proliferation. True story.

My phrase is "Shebamzee," with a variation of "Shebam-o" when the situation calls for it.

Possible uses:
"Look at that pack of cougars groveling over the Twilight movie. Shebamzee!"
"We were just about to get down and dirty, when, shebamzee! She told me she was a he."
"Shebam-o! Those Jersey Shore cast members are a shebamzee away from reversing the theory of evolution."

I don't know about you, but this could be a landmark event not seen since the Fonz's "Heyyyyyy."
If you have a catchphrase of your own, please tell, and try to use it today in everyday conversation or in a blog post. It's for the children.

To discuss thoughts on "Twilight," the, uh, best movie this side of "Citizen Kane"

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 13:08:00 +0000

Capricorn and I finally did it. Is that:

A) Got engaged, to the delight of our parents who await grandbabies with the most bated of bated breaths.
B) Bludgeoned said babies
C) Watched Twilight

The answer is C.

Basically, we had to see what the mass gnashing of teeth and panties is all about, so we decided to watch the first Twilight. We're fans of True Blood, after all, and Twilight has trendy vampires, so it must be decent. And it's based on a book- book to movie adaptations always go well!

Um...

Here are the positives:
1) Bella's dad is kind of funny and lovable
2) Edward's dad is the dude from "Can't Hardly Wait," so that's 5 bonus points
3) They didn't make Bella super-popular her first day, like some teen movies, as that's totally unrealistic. And even after she got friends, they didn't show her being the center of the group, which, again, is a more likely scenario since she's an outsider coming in.
4) There was some cool music (I appreciated the Radiohead song at the end)
5) Bella doesn't escape a super-strong, super-fast vampire on her own, and instead gets her leg broken. That's plausible. Plus, they developed the Bella/Edward relationship in a more drawn out way, instead of just falling in love right off the bat. Actually, when they first see each other, it looked like Edward was going to vomit. Sure, it was probably from the sunlight, but let's just admit it's because Kristen Stewart is probably a little smelly.

Here are the negatives that I'll pare down in order not to have my house burned to the ground:
1) We understand everybody will broach vampire abilities differently. But there are two basic principles of being a vampire that are kinda necessary: They burn in the sun, and they must be invited into a building. Edward Cullen glows like pixie dust in the sun like the gayest My Little Pony, and these vampires enter any place they want. I'm not cool with that.
2) What was the budget for this movie? Are we in "Blair Witch Project" range*? Some of the camera work must have been done by the crew from "One Night in Paris." And Edward's sun glow was like watching bad 3D effects without the 3D glasses.
3) Edward is a total creeper. Sure, we get it, teen girls. He's got the crazy hair and the enchanting eyes. He also uses those eyes TO STARE AT YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP. He tells Bella he's snuck into her house to watch her sleep, because "it's beautiful." Capricorn: "What is he talking about? People are not sexy when they sleep."
4) The first 45 minutes was about Bella and Edward staring at each other in a contest to see who could brood the undies off each other. Lot of intense staring. Not a lot of action. In "True Blood," half the cast was naked by now.
5) The evil vampire has a pony tail and Spencer Pratt facial hair. I was more scared he was going to turn Bella into a douche than into a cadaver.

* Is that too dated a reference for teens reading this? Um, how about, Are we in "Paranormal Activity" range?"

So, are we out of line? I'd still watch the sequel, as I've heard there's more action in it, plus werewolves. And it doesn't hurt that Alice is on the cover of Maxim this month. But we're not sure what all the hysteria is about. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was better, wasn't it? Twilight is a decent movie, but if that's the kind of thing that makes people fanatical, well, I'm worried. Of course, I got fanatical about Ace of Base, so ...

Thanks to my sister for finding that Twilight Moms poster.

To discuss a Weekend Update, Chicago style

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 13:24:00 +0000

I'm still recovering from an action-packed weekend trip to Chicago. I was attending a journalism conference, but, as I've written before, these weekends tend to be fairly eventful. Here, with photo evidence, is a Weekend Update.

Friday

On the flight out, United reminded all passengers that in case of a water landing, the inflatable slides out the doors can be used as flotation devices. Because after your plane hits the water at 200 mph, you better find a flotation device and fast. You saw what happened to Jack after the Titanic sank. Rose let that bitch freeze in the water.
United also had in-flight television, including a re-run of "Two and a Half Men," and a show about wildlife ... that included a guy with a rifle shooting deer. And they say the airline industry is out of touch with consumer needs.

Trying to kill some time, I took a walk to the nearby beach (!?!?). People strolled by, dressed in winter coats, scarves and gloves. Except for the guy you'll notice to the top right of the couple. He was shirtless. In short shorts.
After a few seminars at the hotel, the conference was moved to a nearby restaurant for cocktails and dinner, followed by a speech by an elderly college president. She took the opportunity to talk about the future of college education, reading from her lengthy article on the subject. I turned it into a wine drinking game. By the 18th page, she was brilliant. And sexy.
I met up with my friend Steve Urkel and his friend, Eddie Winslow.* Steve and I have known each other our whole lives, although not at the point of conception (that I'm aware of). They took me on a little Chicago bar hopping tour.

* Both names changed to protect the innocent. And to get an awesome "Family Matters" reference in while talking about Chicago.

We ended up taking a train packed full of slutty teens, 20-something alcoholics and 70-something creepers, to Wrigleyville, home of the Chicago Cubs' Wrigley Field, which has been home for disappointment for more than a century. Steve explained to me Chicagoans drink before games, during games and after games, thus making the losing tolerable. Even though it was November, people were drowning their sorrows all over the place. They are really dedicated fans!

Random encounter of the night: One of the guys in the Sonic commercials (he's the guy on the left in the car). Random encounter on Sunday at O'Hare: I am sure I saw the UPS commercial guy who draws the eerily straight lines on the whiteboard.
I saw more stretch limos in one night than I had seen in the past five years. And they were outside of dive bars. You stay classy, Chicago drunks.
We got back around 2 a.m., riding on a train now chock full of regrets and Planned Parenthood customers. When I was about to part ways with Steve for the walk back to my hotel, he was kind enough to remind me Chicago is one of the tops in the country for murder. "If someone approaches you, shiv them," he advised. Unfortunately, I left my shiv in my room, along with my vampire stake and my crossbow.

Saturday

There's something about being out of town that lets you get up early even after being up way past your bedtime. I need to trick my body into thinking my apartment is in Jamaica. On a side note, I need to trick my body into looking like Gerard Butler's in "300."
After a full day of seminars (see, I did actually learn something ... for example, tuition is never going to stop rising and we're all screwed), it was time for another night on the town. This time, I took a cab with a bunch of reporters to Wicker Park, across town. We eventually found a trendy-looking Mexican restaurant, trendy because the word "Bell" wasn't in the name, and you couldn't order a personal pan pizza along with your taco.
Half the group split off, and the hardcore people eventually went back to a bar that had a combination of waitresses struggling to make ends meet (otherwise, they would have been able to afford the rest of their shirts), Ultimate Fighting (Subtitled: Homoerotica for Dudes Who Experimented Once and Liked It A Little), and, by 11:30, karaoke.
One of the reporters started off the night with "Slave 4 U." Another reporter and I busted out Spin Doctors' "Two Princes," in what critics called the finest song selection of a random 90s song at a Chicago karaoke bar this side of "Wonderwall."
At one point, a very, very large man with a voice similar to what I imagine Snuffleupagus would sound like after an all-night bender in Mexico, asked my "Two Princes" partner and I to sing "I Want It That Way" with him. (Can't recall "I Want It That Way"? Try this.)
Being that we didn't want to get eaten, we agreed. By the end of the song, two things were certain: 1) Once journalism fails me, I will go on to become a 90s-only karaoke DJ, and 2) Everybody is a closet boy band lover. That everybody included the DJ, who, at one point, sang a song of his own. That song was LFO "Summer Girls." I don't think he looked at the lyrics once.

Sunday

The conference wrapped up by noon, so a group of us decided it would be smart to walk from the hotel to Millenium Park, a mere ~~4,536 mile~~ 30-minute walk. It turned out to be well worth it. We got to see the shiny bean thing, which is basically one giant metallic funhouse mirror. Who knows how many countless marriage proposals, first dates and late-night cocaine binges have been done there?
Next, some of us stopped at a giant indoor mall, where I found a man made of Legos. Is that a building block in his pocket or is he just happy to see me?
Finally, I got the shuttle bus to O'Hare, and got on my flight home, losing an hour in the process due to Eastern Standard Time. That's exactly when you realize how ridiculously arbitrary time zones are. At exactly this moment, you are one hour further ahead in life, they say ... Well, readers, then I declare after reading this blog post, it's actually Christmas Day 2093. Merry Christmas. You're dead.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model Cycle 13 Finale

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:34:00 +0000

We're down to Laura and Nicole in Cycle 13 of "America's Next Top Model," the first cycle for girls under 5'8. Nicole, at 5'7, and Laura, at 5'6, will now have to do the traditional Cover Girl commercial/photo, the Seventeen magazine shoot and the runway show to determine who will be America's. Next. Top. Model. Here's the TV Play by Play (here's last week's)......

The nickname reminder (explanation in the season premiere recap) Laura (The Widower) and Nicole (Black Sheep)
Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley), Lelly (Kara), Mommy (Rae) NC-17 (Brittany) Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin)

-------------------

:01 I almost forgot about the time at the baby photo when Jay Manuel asked if Black Sheep, "Are you awake?" Your "Top Model" finalist, everyone!

:02 Cows everywhere hope The Widower win tonight so they can stop shaking in fear she'll be back. That is, unless she somehow finds a way to combine her old life of cow castration with her new life of modeling. I smell a photo shoot theme.

:05 Jay Manuel looks like an Oompa Loompa today with his green coat and always slightly-orange skin. But he still looks good. Darn you Jay Manuel.

:08 I think Black Sheep's hair must weigh as much as her body. During her Cover Girl photo shoot with Nigel Barker, she looks as natural as possible and is already off to a good start.

:09 Widower, who is dyslexic, is stressed about her Cover Girl commercial. No worries, Widower. It's only a $100,000 contract and the chance of a lifetime! At least she has a legitimate excuse for messing up her lines. Most cycles, girls mess up just because they aren't any good. What's more, Widower didn't let it get to her, and eventually got it within about 10 takes. Compare that to Erin/Mena, who earlier this cycle was whimpering on her last take.

:11 When most models want a mental image to make them smile during a photo shoot with Nigel, they think of Jesus or their boyfriend. Widower is thinking of milkshakes and kittens. If she's not the all-time coolest Top Model contestant by now...

:12 Black Sheep's commercial isn't going well. Jay said she sounds like a rich snob. Maybe Cover Girl is catering to a new clientele these days. Goodbye Wal-mart, hello Nordstrom! ... There's such a juxtaposition between the Southern drawl of Widower and the private school enunciation of Black Sheep, it's almost as if the producers wanted to pit these two against each other on purpose... but hey, they'd never fix it like that. Um, right?

:15 Time for the Seventeen magazine cover shoot, with Ann Shoket leering around, hoping to get on camera a lot to prove she's still editor of the magazine and not just a woman who keeps popping up on "Top Model."

:18 The girls have a sit-down one-on-one interview Tyra, who asks hard-hitting questions like, "How tall are you?" and "So, you're a finalist?" Black Sheep says she used to sit in a bathroom stall during lunch as a student. Those days are over, Black Sheep. Now you can sit in a bathroom stall during lunch as a Top Model!

:20 Widower's grandmother wrote her a letter, saying how proud she is of Widower for making it this far. What grandma isn't saying, Widower, is that she's going to be jacked if you win the competition, because you won't need grandma to make clothes for you anymore. Another unemployed grandma, out on the streets. It really is a tough economy.

:22 It's time to prepare for the final runway performance; isn't it strange the show has the girls do runway in the finale, even though they barely do it at all during the season (this is one area that Bravo's "Make Me A Supermodel" is superior). That would be like "American Idol" asking its finalists to rap. On second thought, let's make that happen.

:23 Erin/Mena, Jennifer/Miss Congeniality, Sundai/Hot Fudge Sundae and Brittany/NC-17 are back to walk with the girls. They do their best to not act jealous.

:24 The girls (also including Cycle 12 winner Teyona) are going to model Julia Clancey designs, which evidently are a mix of Victorian-era, disco balls and pixie dust ... Everyone says they want Widower to win. So if you win, Black Sheep, I'd exit stage left asap.

:27 It's a shame Widower doesn't smile more.

:28 Runway time. The theme is "the elements." Black Sheep's first runway walk is a little scary. She looks like she wants to murder the audience. Maybe "the element" is volcanic explosion?

:30 If The CW is ever hard up for cash, they could probably make a killing selling uncensored "Backstage at 'Top Model' Runway Shows" DVDs. The blurred nipples are everywhere. Meanwhile, Widower looks great on her first walk, despite having never been in a runway show like this before.

:33 Black Sheep does much better on her second walk, with a theme of "Wind." And the last walk is "Water." This is starting to feel like a "Captain Planet" runway show. "This is one of the funnest things I've done," Widower says. Well put, Widower.

:38 It's time for the winner to be revealed. After going through all the girls' photos and work so far, the judges think Black Sheep is very couture, and Widower is very photogenic and personable. And the winner is...

:40 Black Sheep! She can hardly believe "a dork" like her is "America's Next Top Model." Dorks everywhere, rejoice. Too bad for Widower (and for her cows), but you have to think she'll get a modeling job in no time.

---------------------------------

Photos are from The CW.

To discuss Chicago, Chicago

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 15:46:00 +0000

By Friday morning, I will be in a city known for wind, historic losing, Oprah and a musical starring Catherine Zeta Jones' legs.

That's right, it's Chicago.

It's the third time I'll be attending an expenses-paid reporters' conference (who knows why they keep accepting me).

The last time, I went to the A-T-L, but was unable to track down Kim, NeNe or Ludacris. I did, however, have this happen to me:

"Since I didn't want to end up anyone's bitch, handcuffed to a bed with my wallet stolen and a sock in my mouth, I smiled politely and tried to back off. She then leaned over and asked me,
'Do you like bad girls?'"

That trip was also right after the first time Capricorn and I told each other "I love you." We have since told each other that about 10,000 times, and have managed to never say "P.S. I Love You" Hilary Swank style because that would be obnoxious and annoying.

For the first conference, I went to St. Louis, and happened to stay at a hotel across the street from a rally for then-presidential hopeful Barack Obama. I also got to go up in the St. Louis Arch, which I imagine is more or less a claustrophobic's worst nightmare. And how could I forget this random encounter on the street:

Old dude: "Do you know where Blah Blah bar is?"
Me: "Yeah, actually, we just came from there, it's down the street."
Old dude: (To Michigan girl): "You have a nice smile." (pauses... stares awkwardly)
Mich. girl: "Uh...."
(Enter homeless dude)
HD: "Hey y'all... It's my birthday today."
Me: "Well, happy birthday"

Who knows what will happen this time. Any guesses? Knife fight? Chess match with a Chicago Cub? Oprah decides not to leave Chicago just because of my presence?

To discuss Christmas songs, Fa la la la la, la la la already?

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:11:00 +0000

I was quick to write Thanksgiving a letter last week to apologize for Christmas stealing the proverbial holiday thunder.

At the same time, I should confess I've been singing Christmas music for a week now. Before you throw flaming crosses and ninja stars at me, let me explain.

No, it's not because the motherf&*@$# GAP decided it's the holiday shopping season.* It's because I'm singing in a trio now, and we're got a holiday program coming up. Unlike the Bayside Choir, we can't simply just ask Tori Spelling to guest star and hide a malfunctioning boom box beneath the risers. We've got to practice.

For my solos so far, I'll be doing "I'll Be Home for Christmas," "The Christmas Song," and possibly "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" or "Christmas Time Is Here." I've also got a bunch of duets to practice, from "White Christmas" to "Silent Night."

And I'm also doing the David Bowie part in the Bing Crosby duet, "Peace on Earth"; my partner doesn't agree with me she should smoke a pipe and say things like "Yes, that's swell," or "Get back here boy before I beat you with my belt." I guess she's not as committed as I am... I was planning to dress like Ziggy Stardust.

Not considered, because it's the devil's music: "Christmas Shoes."

So I've been listening to Christmas music in my car as preparation. And that brings me to the new poll. What Christmas song played a month or more in advance would make you feel like murdering someone?

For instance, if someone played "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" in a grocery store right now, I'd amputate my arm and beat a baby senseless with it. But if I heard "Carol of the Bells" from the Home Alone soundtrack, I'd be in the holiday spirit and may even donate to the Salvation Army.**

So take a minute and vote in the poll on the right side. And a Merry November to you and yours.

* Capricorn loves this non-holiday GAP commercial with Juliette Lewis. I prefer the "Fall Into the Gap" years.

** Dear Salvation Army: When you put an ATM swipe machine on top of your kettle, you will get a donation from me. Until then, stop making me feel guilty for your lack of technology, just because I don't carry cash. I haven't carried cash in five years. I am considering putting a competing, ATM-ready kettle beside yours, with a sign saying "Donations Go to Support Child Molesters In Need." And I'd still blow you out of the water.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 "Hawaiin Hip Hop"

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:11:00 +0000

Last week, Sundai drowned under the pressure of an underwater shoot, and she was sent home. With just four girls remaining in Cycle 13, it's only going to get more intense as we head into "Hawaiian Hip Hop," which sounds like something out of So You Think You Can Dance.

Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in the season premiere recap): Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), The Widower (Laura)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley), Lelly (Kara), Mommy (Rae) NC-17 (Brittany) Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)

------------------------------------

:04 Mena Suvari has been in the bottom two for three weeks in a row now, and escaped every time. Is that a Top Model record?

:06 The Widower is surprised she's still in the competition, considering not luck ago she was castrating bulls. I'm surprised she still has sunburnt cheeks. Hasn't she figured out the whole sunscreen thing yet?

:07 Hip hop hula dancers ... well, now I've seen it all. Instructor Anna-Ritta Sloss says it's a new interpretation of hula. Then you see the Top Model girls try to do it, and you see a new interpretation of the new interpretation: hip hop hula train wreck.

:17 You know Top Model is struggling to find controversary when, during a practice for the hula challenge, all they can come up with is Black Sheep saying Mena "is getting kind of annoying." Take that, Mena! Oooh, burn! So Miss J, runway diva extraordinaire, says the winner of the challenge gets a trip to Hawaii with a friend. Just for doing hip hop hula? Shoot, where's my grass skirt?

:19 I love Miss J. On Mena's sad-to-happy hula interpretative dance: "It was like, child, please, you were angry." Meanwhile, Widower, out of nowhere, shows she can shake her booty on the hip hop portion. Miss Congeniality thinks Widower "probably gets freaky at the club." I'd think so, too, if I thought Widower had ever, ever been to a club that didn't have line dancing.

:24 Photoshoot time. The big surprise: Two girls are getting eliminated, a major change from Top Model history (usually, it goes down to Top 3, with two girls going home in the final after they all shoot the Cover Girl commercial). The theme is emulating Pele, the Hawaiian goddess of volcanoes. Top Model doesn't take the extreme step of having the girls shoot in a volcano, though. Hey, if Frodo and Sam can do it...

:30 Miss Congeniality is having a tough time modeling with her face and her body at the same time. On top of that, she has a tough time standing on the rocks without falling. Other than that, she's doing great.

:32 Black Sheep is going to win this photo shoot. You can tell by her amazing hair alone. Well, that, and Black Sheep almost always wins the photo shoots.

:33 They make Widower look like Rachel Hunter (Ed. note: I thought that before the judges point it out later). Widower tries doing the off-balance ninja wearing a dress pose. Sexy! I almost forget what Widower sounds like when I see her all done up... and then she talks and you remember she puts the bumpkin in country bumpkin.

:34 According to the photographer, evidently the goddess of volcanoes should be flirty and sexy. Have you ever met a sexy lava flow? Mena turns around her shoot by singing a pop song in her head. Any guesses what the song is? My guess is "I'm a Little Teapot."

:42 Judging time. Guest judge: Ann Shoket, who must never actually be in the office at Seventeen Magazine. The judges think Mena's photo is sexy and Miss Congeniality looks stiff. Tyra wants to help Widower look better in another grandma-made outfit, telling her to adjust the shirt. Can someone tell Tyra, then, that her parachute suit looks ready for takeoff?

:47 The judges love Widower's photo, even if she looks short (and her face looks like she wants to possess your soul). Black Sheep has a great face, but OK pose. This is the Top 4, right? And no one nailed it?

:55 Black Sheep, of course, gets best photo. And the other finalist is ... Widower! That means Miss Congeniality misses being Top Model's first Asian girl in the finals, and Mena misses adding to her record-setting escape of the bottom two. Next week, it's the grand finale, with the Cover Girl commercial and the runway show.

To discuss a trip to the vet for the chihuahua- no, not that chihuahua

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:40:00 +0000

In the past when I've written about trip to the vet, it's been about my chiweenie, Bailey.

There was the time he wouldn't stop licking his paws, as if he was a college co-ed and his paws were tequila.

And there was the time when he had a mysterious back ailment that caused him to hide underneath my bed and shriek like Republicans at the mention of gay marriage.

But this time, the sick puppy is Leo. Leo is Capricorn's chihuahua, about 5 years old. He and Bailey have become best friends and possibly gay lovers, if all the butt sniffing and come hither glances are any indication.

Last week, Leo starting scratching his ear, leading Capricorn to believe he had ear mites. She tried some over the counter medication, which only made the problem worse. So there was no avoiding it. Leo had to go to the vet.

Since I had time this morning, I took him to the appointment. If I look dainty carrying in my 11-pound chiweenie, just think how I look carrying in a 5-pound chihuahua. I might as well start butt sniffing.

The veterinary center had been remodeled since I had last gone (which I surely would pay for in some manner when the bill came). On a giant flat screen TV behind the receptionist, Cesar Milan, even on mute, reminded me I'm not being a good pack leader and should lower my head in shame. You say Dog Whisperer, I say Human Humiliator.

Soon, Leo and I went into a room, where he got the ol' rectal thermometer (unlike Bailey, his eyes didn't pop out like a Troll doll). He got weighed: 4.8 pounds, smaller than most cats. All that yo-yo dieting is really getting to you, Leo.

As a vet about my age and ostensibly much better paid than I checked out Leo's ear, she said he likely had a yeast infection. How embarrassing, Leo. Now they're gonna have to give you Monistat. Oh, not that type of yeast infection? Should I put him in the oven to rise?

As it turns out, he just needs some medicated drops and antibiotics, which I could have told them without the $20 test but hey, what do I know, I got shamed by a reality television dog whisperer.

The vet and her assistant left the room. That gave me time to look at all the literature around the room, reminding me of how many tests/preventive medications I wasn't nice enough to give to my dogs. God help a paranoid pet owner. The sole purpose of all that stuff is to make sure you think your dog will become rabid at any moment and eat your flesh off unless you get him vaccinated. And once you're done with that, you better get heartworm prevention or you'll get an $800 bill for heartworm treatment, plus get shamed again. Curiously, none of the signs mentioned anything about erectile dysfunction, which I'm sure must affect millions of dogs everywhere. Except Bailey. And he's fixed.

I was also curious about the magazine selection. What are they trying to say about Gwen Stefani? And is the idea here no guys ever take their pets to the vet? Shouldn't there be a Playboy? At least we could stare at Bunnies.*

* Hey-yoooo!

After Leo tried fiercely not to get drops in his ear, what with having been ear raped minutes earlier as they cleaned everything out, we were all done.

The bill came to about $150. Having a pet is like having a kid. It's not like you can say, "You know what... I think I'll just let the little guy suffer. I'd rather not have to spend $150. There's a sale at Banana Republic" Then you're a monster, and ripe for an appearance on Maury Povich. (Show title: Shocking Pet Owners Refuse To Pay Vet; Neighbors, Family and baby Jesus appalled)

Leo's ear seems to be doing better. That's good. Because otherwise I was just going to Van Gogh that sucker.

To discuss it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas?

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 14:43:00 +0000

Dear Thanksgiving:

On behalf of jag-offs everywhere, I apologize. I haven't seen this much thunder stolen since Urkel joined "Family Matters" and Carl Winslow became an afterthought.

Once Halloween is over, it's no secret marketers and businesses want to remind us it's the holidays. Commercials tell us to shop now for Christmas before it's too late. In reality, it's too late on Dec. 26. It's not too late Dec. 24.

But the commercials aren't a big deal, and to be expected. I can even look past Jim Carrey's "Christmas Carol" movie coming out last weekend, hoping without cause it could be better than Muppet Christmas Carol.

What's not to be expected is for people to jump the gun and start decorating for Christmas now, before anyone has carved a turkey, watched Al Roker flag down parade floats or watched the Detroit Lions in their annual Thanksgiving Day loss.

On Friday, I was driving down an autumn foliage covered road. Fall was in the air (and likely H1N1, but that doesn't have pretty leaves).

And then what to my wondering eyes did appear, but an inflatable Santa Claus, lights and general Christmas regalia spread all over the side of a house and lawn, inviting me to have a Merry Christmas.

Full holiday decorations. Nov. 5.

And then yesterday, Thanksgiving, you remember what happened? I drove through a town that had jack-o-lanterns decaying gracefully on doorsteps, hoping to scare off children one last time with the threat of a bacterial infection. I saw brown banners on light posts adorned with leaves. I had football on the radio, and leaves falling from the trees. It was fall in all its splendor.

Except for the garland and Christmas bells hanging throughout the town.

So, Thanksgiving, it seems once again you are the redheaded stepchild of holidays. You are a mere formality to Black Friday, a roadbump to Christmas morn.

Sorry about your loss. Maybe next year, try adding gift-giving to your holiday's list of traditions, right after the turkey feast. Steal the thunder right back from Jesus. He already gets two holidays a year, anyway.

Sincerely,
Wild ARS Chase

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 "Dive Deeper"

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:20:00 +0000

Last week, Brittany couldn't cut it in the biracial photo shoot, which was either a really cool racially progressive idea, or a really stereotypical, racist thing to do. Hard to say when it comes to Top Model. We're now down to the Top 5 in last night's Cycle 13 episode, "Dive Deeper."

Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), The Widower (Laura), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley), Lelly (Kara), Mommy (Rae) and NC-17 (Brittany)
-------------------------

:05 Mena Suvari is feeling the pressure. She finished in the bottom two two weeks in a row, as she watched Mommy and NC-17 get kicked off. Mena says at age 18, this is the biggest thing she's ever done. C'mon, Mena. American Beauty was the biggest thing you've ever done. You almost blew Kevin Spacey.

:06 Hot Fudge Sundae reveals she used to be in a foster home, but it's made her a better person- an admirable attitude. Not as admirable: She's sucking her thumb.

:07 It's The Widower's birthday, and she couldn't be happier. As she noted, she's gone from "castrating bulls to modeling." Yeah, but since you started modeling, Widower, it's been Bulls Gone Wild back on the farm. It's a veritable orgy.

:09 Swimsuit model/Victoria's Secret model/teenage boy dirty fantasy Marisa Miller,
the guest judge for the week, is on the beach to teach the girls about swimsuit modeling. Contrary to my belief, the object isn't to just look like the swimsuit is going to fall off at any moment. There's actual technique.

:10 I'd tell you more about what happened during the bikini session, but I passed out.

:11 Another blurred out moment: Widower's bikini top must have had a malfunction. There's been a lot of blurred out moments on Top Model this year. Just wait for them to release an uncensored DVD... Meanwhile, the girls practice being sexy under a shower. Drowned rat must be the new sexy. The only thing getting turned on right now is the faucet.

:19 For the challenge, the girls have to jump off a cliff into the water, giving a good pose on the way down. Mena says she has no problem jumping. "I'll jump off anything." Really? Are you taking requests? I know some girls in the house who might make a suggestion.

:23 What a surprise, Black Sheep wins. Miss Congeniality, who isn't very congenial this episode, practically is ill thinking of Black Sheep winning another event. It reminds me of Melrose- she won all the time, and the girls hated that. Melrose ended up losing to Caridee. So that means Black Sheep will end up losing to... Marisa Miller, who enters the competition for the chance to get on the cover of Seventeen magazine.

:25 All the girls except Mena are awarded extra frames at the next photo shoot, as nobody wanted to choose Mena because she's a "brat," according to Black Sheep. When the girl who everyone is jealous of says you're the unlikeable one, you know things aren't going well.

:32 Photo shoot time. The girls are shooting underwater, which they should have been expecting because it's a Top model staple. Without watching ahead, you just know one of the girls will have some issue with being underwater and freak out. It's like a girl being late for go-sees. P.S. I watch too much Top Model.

:33 Widower freaks out at first, but gets it together and remains adorable as she explains how it's bad to "Freak out at the bottom of the ocean." Actually, you are about 5 feet underwater, Widower, but we like you, so it's OK.

:35 Hot Fudge Sundae (who freaked out) comes up with all kinds of excuses on why she can't do the shoot. Jay Manuel said stop screwing around and do it. As someone with asthma, I don't buy her excuse she can't hold her breath underwater because of asthma. You're giving kids with asthma a bad name. And trust me- my middle school years prove we don't need any help.

:44 Judging time. Once again, Widower has an outfit on her grandma made. Her grandma must do nothing but sew all day. Give granny a break, Widower. Let her go castrate a bull once in a while. Side note: Marisa Miller's top is so low cut, she has bottom and top cleavage. It's epic cleavage.

:46 Miss Congeniality says she stops breathing during judging because of nerves. During deliberation, Marisa says Miss Congeniality's pose is "too erect." Miss J replies "it can never be too erect." Now I'm the one who's not breathing.

:56 Miss Congeniality gets top photo, followed by Black Sheep and Widower. Hot Fudge Sundae and Mena (for the third time in a row) are in the bottom two.

:58 And Hot Fudge Sundae goes home. They must really love Mena to keep stringing her along. Or maybe they'll just string her along to Top 2 and then cut her. Tyra's evil like that.

To discuss a month in review: October 2009

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:00:00 +0000

October is one of my favorite times of the year, what with the autumn foliage (suck on that Australia... just kidding, love you), its new TV shows, its football and its playoff baseball. The downside: There are no federal holidays I could take off. Let's invent one. Please leave nominations.

While you do that, let's take a look at the October Month in Review.

For a flashback, here's October 2008.

Favorite movie: "Zombieland" I love zombie movies. I love funny, quirky movies. I love random references to Ghostbusters. I love Zombieland. Easy enough, right?

Runner-Up (Two): "16 Candles" Capricorn couldn't believe it, but I hadn't seen "16 Candles" (or "Pretty in Pink, or a plethora of other 80s movies) before. So she made me watch it, and it was very enjoyable. Kind of funny watching a pubescent John Cusack.
And...
"Wanted" It was a bit Matrix/Eagle Eye, but still managed to come up with some new tricks (landing a car on the side of a bus/shooting bullets in a circle), had at least somewhat plausible answers to obvious questions (a healing pool that makes up for the fact these assassins get shot at all the time) and had Angelina Jolie, who was perfect for the role and made me forget she's got 20 kids. Unless she only took the role so she could learn how to train her kids to be assassins. Because that would be genius. Watch out, Jennifer Aniston!

Least favorite movie: "Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emporer" I am a huge fan of the first Mummy movie; I had a huge thing for Rachel Weisz, and it had all the funny lines and good action you could want this side of Indiana Jones. The second movie had the annoying kid, but still had you along for a great ride. The Scorpion King, the branch-off version starring the Rock, was, um ... how about that first Mummy? So when I finally got around to the latest Mummy, now with Jet Li and with Maria Bello, I at least hoped to be entertained. Sweet fancy mustard, no. It was believable for Rachel Weisz to be an English professor-type; it was ridiculous to ask Maria Bello to do the same. It was fun watching Brendan Fraser battle mummies; it wasn't that much fun watching his now grown-up son do it while he and dad tried to force some father-son bonding. Oh, and there are Yetis.

Favorite song: "Wishing Well" Airborne Toxic Event. Listen to it once. It'll get stuck in your head, but in a good way. Not like that "This is the song that never ends" Lambchops song. Which is now stuck in your head.

Runner-up: "Forever" Drake, Kanye, Lil Wayne and Eminem. I'm on a real big rap kick right now. It's like I'm 16 all over again, except this time it's even more awkward.

Least favorite song: Anything Mariah Carey has done lately. So I guess that includes Nick Cannon.

Favorite TV Show: "Curb Your Enthusiasm." I think I was too jaded about the end of Seinfeld to catch on to this show when it started. Now that the Seinfeld cast is making guest appearances, I'm just jumping on board.

Runner-up: "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" A little uneven- didn't really love the World Series episode- but at its best, one of the best comedies going. I told Capricorn she should dress like Desert Rose for Halloween. She told me to dress like Desert Grape ... Highlight this season so far: Charlie's blind date ("I'm a full on rapist."... "You mean philathropist?")

(Modern Family gets an honorable mention, as does Say Yes to the Dress, if Capricorn had her say)

Worst TV show: "The Girls Next Door." On top of being creepy, now the girls aren't even likeable. I'm too old to date the twins. I'm in my mid-20s.

Best moment: Capricorn and I having a daylong date in Gettysburg, which included seeing Little Round Top and Zombieland- those are two different things. Runner-up: Fall Fest 2009

Worst moments: Not a worst moment for me, but man, some of you really love your Glee, don't you?

Best decision: Taking the latter part of last week to visit my college and talk to high schoolers about becoming journalists. One student was even kind enough to ask how much I make. Once I stopped crying and took the pistol out of my mouth, I was more than glad to help her. I also got to see my parents, who have updated me on everything our neighbors are doing. What are parents for?

Favorite Blog Post by Me: It's just fun to make fun of the very things we used to love, isn't it?

Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: LiLu did her very own Post Secret event, and the results were legen... wait for it

Blogger of the Month: ... dary. And that, among many reasons, is why LiLu gets my Blogger of the Month award for October 2009. Maybe this will finally make her family proud of her.

I have my doubts.

To discuss live Tweeting trick-or-treat 2009

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:02:00 +0000

Last year, I decided to chronicle my first time handing out candy at Halloween as an adult. I've since moved to a new complex, so why not go for round two of live Tweeting? Here's the recap of my Tweets, or Twits, or Tweeters, or whatever made-up name old Twitter updates are called. Twats?

Another Halloween, another year of live Tweeting trick-or-treat. Might be short-lived: it's raining. I should prob. be at a party somewhere.
First failed idea of the night: Capricorn nixed my idea to put a Megan's Law warning sign outside our door, to see which kids are hardcore
When I was a kid, I went trick-or-treating no matter what, even when it snowed. I even went when I was 16 and I drove house to house.
@clevertia I figure if a kid wants candy bad enough to risk being molested, he can have the whole bowl. And a lifetime of nightmares.
First trick-or-treaters: Transformer and a Spanish dancer of some sort. I didn't tell the Transformer his movies are overrated. He was 5.
Some people just drove slowly past my front door and laughed. Wonder if it was the rotting pumpkin, or a dude writing on his laptop in the rain?
Next group included ninja, bee and a baby lion, with a mom dressed as some sort of slutty 80s dancer. That's a win all around.
Just saw a chihuahua with a Mexican poncho. Good thing Bailey didn't see or he would've flipped out I didn't get him one. He can be a diva.
Huge group came by, lots of costumes. One boy was dressed as a "kid in sweatshirt in it for the free candy." Very creative.
Genius idea: Older kid, not in costume, got candy from me by saying, "Uh, it's for the little girl coming up behind me." I think he was solo.
@stateiamin I like the dedication. Why do all of us feel like wimps now? What happened?
To spice up the trick-or-treating, I'm reading this http://bit.ly/2u8Qdo @livitluvit post while handing out candy. You should too. (Ed. note: NSFW post)
Punk kid *peers into my apt* "Did you like just move in?" Me: "Uh... yeah?" Reality: It's been more than a year. Jerk.
Clarification: This post http://bit.ly/pV7FZ is by @whatkindofgirl, not @livitluvit, although it's funny I assumed it was livitluvit. (Ed. note: It was linked on her site)
Would it be bad taste if I wore a mask, put up caution tape and told kids not to get their H1N1 all over my candy?
If you are old enough to show cleavage, you might be too old for trick-or-treating. Or you should be at a party making bad decisions.
Just got back from trip to Walmart. It was hard to tell w ho was in costume and who was a regular Walmart customer.*

* It was a top-notch night for Wal-mart**. They were really coming out of the woodwork; there very well could have been some qualifying entries for this.

** Capricorn and I had to go so we could buy dog food. Usually, I get a little five pound bag, but Bailey and Leo eat through it faster than Oprah through a corndog. So Capricorn convinced me to buy a 40-pound bag this time. To summarize, I have 40 pounds of food for 12 pounds of dog. We should be set at least until 2012, when John Cusack battles the apocalypse.

To discuss what I should teach young journalistic minds this week

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 12:30:00 +0000

On Thursday, I'll be speaking to high school kids attending a media conference at my alma mater university.

The topic: Blogging and journalism.

I'll try to drop in what I've learned, whether it's using Twitter for reporting, or writing a reality show blog to attract a different readership/get paid to watch So You Think You Can Dance.

Now, I've already dispensed social media advice to all you in the summer.

The budding journalists I talk to this week can only pray my advice is just as sage when I speak to them.

Since you won't be there, here are some of my possible words of advice:

Don't believe all the hype about "the Internet." People love holding an unwieldy and bulky newspaper. There's something about the lack of Google searchability and timeliness that readers just love. I mean, everyone was doom-and-gloom over postal mail when e-mail invented, and look how that turned out!
Interested in podcasting? Instead of doing clips about the day's hot news topics, try spicing things up. Listeners would much rather hear whether you agree with Esquire magazine naming Kate Beckinsale the sexiest woman alive* than they would about your views on property tax reform. Or, converge the two to get the most listeners. "In a meeting last night, the board members said 'insurance costs have caused us to inflate tax increases.' Speaking of 'caused us to inflate' ... Kate Beckinsale."
Leave the news to the bloggers. Sure, you might say they have limited access to sources, a lack of training on how to write a cohesive, fact-checked story, and a lack of understanding of how news is put together. But their unvalidated opinions still have lots of moxie! And when people get their news, they'll take moxie over accuracy and/or objectiveness anytime.
Use your official newspaper Twitter account to trash talk sources. They won't be mad because you're just being so darn cutting edge using your social media to reach readers. Hey, everyone knows Twitter wasn't popular until news talk shows did feature segments on it. You control fads! While you're at it, young journalist, use your new-found power to bring back Trapper Keepers. They're the shiz!
Petition Facebook to allow you to add attribution to your status updates, so people will know that you verified your state of being. If you tell me you are "in a relationship," I want to know it's "according to my girlfriend." If you are "It's complicated" I want to feel confident that it's "according to my sister's bisexual husband who 'accidentally' felt me up and I kinda liked it but then remember he used to be a she who liked he's and she's but now just she's since he's a he" Attribution, attribution, attribution.

* While I can't disagree in theory- Kate Beckinsale is crazy attractive- doesn't Esquire really mean, "The sexiest white female celebrity actor and/or singer"? It's not like Esquire searched the earth finding the sexiest woman; for instance, my girlfriend, despite being uber-sexy, was not considered. Were any of you?

To discuss a Cosmo review: November 2009

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:30:00 +0000

It's been a few months since the last Cosmo review, after I went on Cosmo overload in August with a We Are Cosmo stog.

But Kim Kardashian's on the cover of the November 2009 edition, so you know I can't miss the opportunity. I've got all of you to think about. Let's get into Cosmo. As always, don't read this if you wear a WWJD bracelet.

The cover alone offers a myriad of "duhs" Cosmo assumes readers are either idiots or virgins. "What He Thinks During Sex." Um, he thinks, 'Woohooooo! Booobbbiieeess!' "Kim Kardashian: The Mistake That Still Haunts Her- No, Not the Sex Tape"Actually, yes, the sex tape. "Bad Girl Issue: For Sexy Bitches Only" Good thing I renewed my sexy bitch permit.
Are Cosmo readers secretly lesbians? There are a lot of ads with topless chicks. A lot.
Cover subject Kim Kardashian: In the quiz, she says she's tired of having to defend my "butt!! It's real, OK!!!!" Kim, of course we know that. You proved it in your home exercise video ... Wait, that wasn't about home exercise? Yeah, right, and next you're going to tell me "One Night in Paris" wasn't a documentary on the perils of drug abuse.
Kim says the sex video was a mistake, "and I don't make the same mistake twice." Next time, she'll get better lighting and an iTunes distribution deal.
Cosmo Man Manual: Tear-away cards to take to the bar so you can decipher a guy's body language. I'll tell you this much: If you whip out a body language advice card while trying to decipher a man, you might as well call it a night. "Excuse me, Hottie McGuy, but can you not move for a second? I'm trying to figure out if you are subconsciously undressing me."
Dear Cosmo: I appreciate you including a photo in the "Man Manual" section of a girl wearing a wife-beater with no bra, but it's worthless nipple. I can't get aroused by Cosmo nipple. It's like cleavage at church- you weren't supposed to see it in the first place, and when you do, you don't know what to do with it.
Before They Were Hotties: I feel better knowing Brad Pitt had a double-chin before. Of course, he was a baby, but I'll take it.
What He's Really Thinking During Sex: "When I see that those giant breasts she had really came form a push-up bra, it's a huge disappointment," Allan, 28. Also a disappointment, Allan: When she takes off your pants and find a balled-up tube sock.
Another example: "Talking dirty is cool, but I do not want to be called Daddy by anyone in bed," Dan, 30. Totally acceptable alternatives, Dan: Step-Daddy, Lord of the Groin, or Pretty, Pretty Princess.
"The New Way to Foreplay: Cosmo's uncovered some surprisingly sensitive parts of the body." How is it possible there are parts of the body Cosmo has yet to find erogenous? At this point, they are down to elbows, kidneys and heels. Here's a hint, Cosmo: Advise women to directly touch a man's Private Benjamin. We'll salute every time. Don't try to reinvent the penis.
Cosmo's 2009 Bachelor Blowout: A hottie from every state. Capricorn thumbed through all the guys and found about 18 that were passable. She almost gagged at a few. We particularly enjoyed the guys who listed their interests as "playing the guitar," "surfing" or "generally being kind of a douche."
There's an entire section about being a bad girl. Except, in Cosmo terms, all that seems to mean is that you are super, super, SUPER slutty and likely have a tramp stamp. Oh, and you swear like a trucker ... while having slutty slut sex with strangers.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 "Interview 101"

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:47:00 +0000

Last week, Kara (Lelly) got kicked off after a disastrous ninja photo shoot. This week, in "Interview 101," we get to the all-important Cover Girl commercial shoot. Let's see what happens.

Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), The Widower (Laura), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley) and Lelly (Kara).

-------------------------

:05 The girls are still ragging on Black Sheep. NC-17 says Black Sheep still has no personality, and that NC-17's personality "is one girl's can relate to." So girls can relate to being jealous?

:07 The girls go see Lara Spencer, host of "The Insider," and Ant, host of Celebrity Fit Club. The girls have to practice interviewing different stereotypess of actors, from strung out to high strung. Do they practice "the Tyra"?

:11 The Widower is worried about the interview challenge, as she has a learning disability that hurts her reading skills. Some girls don't do well when the teleprompter goes out while they interview "90210" actress Jessica Lowndes. If Top Model wanted a "90210" actress, why not get Lori Loughlin? At least then the girls could ad-lib questions about Full House. "So, do you think Becky and Joey were secretly having an affair?"

:13 The Widower is up. The teleprompter turns into a garbled mess of numbers and symbols. "0163. Is that a word?" The Widower wonders off-camera. On-camera, she blurts out the f-bomb. Otherwise, she's doing awesome!

:20 Mena is great on-camera, partially because she's done so many movies before. (If no one has told Erin she looks like Mena Suvari, I'd be shocked). She wins the challenge, and she and two friends, Miss Congeniality and Mommy, get to go on a Seventeen magazine shoot.

:24 Cover Girl commercial day. The girls get prep kits to practice. You know The Widower is going to struggle, maybe as much as Jael did on that Aussie shoot a few seasons ago (a total trainwreck).

:29 Teyona, who was terrible on Cycle 12's Cover Girl shoot but won the competition anyway, is there to mentor the girls. Is it me, or did anyone else forget Teyona won, and not Allison? Is it me, or does anyone remember who won any of the seasons?

:31 The girls are promoting Exact eye makeup. But it looks like they are holding a tampon. Black Sheep does surprisingly well. Hot Fudge Sundae sounds like a dude -- Nigel Barker says "she sounds like an amateur." Nigel thinks Miss Congeniality, however, is "naturally charming."

:33 The Widower, as predicted, does a terrible job remembering her lines, but is oozing charm. NC-17... you could almost hear the crickets. At least they let the girls spend the night memorizing Cover Girl lines this time. Usually, all the girls mess up.

:36 Mena implodes (not literally, though, as that would be messy). "This has been the most stressful situation anyone could have pressed me into," she says in the confessional, fighting back tears. Of all the people I thought might implode, Mena was on the bottom.

:42 Guest judge: Kim Kardashian, who is a fashion expert... says Tyra.

:44 The judges love Miss Congeniality's video, which was very, um, congenial. Kim loves it, too, probably thinking, "I haven't been that comfortable on camera since... well, let's just forget about that."

:46 Widower admits she's severely dyslexic, and that words on the page seem like they are moving. And she still did a nice job on the commercial, which can only make Mena feel worse. If that's possible, that is.

:49 Mena's commercial looks like she's talking about genocide, not eye makeup. She is sniffling by the end of it. Let's just say it's not Cover Girl-esque.

:53 The judges deliberate, mocking the way Hot Fudge Sundae sounded like a used car salesmen. She could probably sell a Taurus easier than mascara.

:55 Miss Congeniality goes first, followed by Black Sheep, NC-17, Sundae, Widower...

:56 ... leaving Mommy and Mena. Tyra says Mommy doesn't stand out, and Mena signed up for American Pie 2. Mommy is going home, though, as Top Model never keeps girls once they feel there's no potential.

To discuss a blast from the past: Columbia House Music Club

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:26:00 +0000

Dear Columbia House Music:

You have to feel like IDIOTS. C'mon, don't try to look all naive and innocent.

You know what I'm talking about.

Remember your whole BMG/Columbia House Music Club? I was just reminded of it recently. What a sweet deal that was, back in the day. You'd sign up for the club (by mailing in a card, as the Internet was still in its 26k days, or nonexistent), and instantly get 12 free CDs/Tapes/Records/Music Boxes or whatever format was popular.

Then, oh then, all you had to do was buy a few more albums within two years, usually at a marked-up price, and you'd get to keep those 12 free albums! What a deal!

I could hardly resist it when I was 12 or 13, knowing I could get awesome CDs of Ace of Base, Mariah Carey and Monica (I feel you, Monica. Just one of 'dem days, that a girl goes th... oh, you're talking about PMS? Oh. That's awkward for me... uh...) for free if I could get my mom to pay for another five CDs at a price of $14.98 or more each, even though Wal-mart and every other store sold them for cheaper.

Some may say the whole deal was a scam and it's easier to withdraw troops from Iraq than it is to get out of the Columbia House Music Club, but hey, free CDs!

Have you ever seen a business model implode? Door-to-door milk delivery, Hummers during a gas price crisis, online groceries, newspapers (I kid, I kid)...

Columbia, when iTunes came around, did you physically poop your pants, or just metaphorically?

iTunes won't give me 12 free mp3 albums just for registering, but they also let me buy songs for .99 cents each, and albums song by song. Oh, and I get them right now, instead of waiting for them in the mail. And if I'm feeling particularly sneaky, I could just download stuff for free on bittorrent sites.

How did you miss the gravy train on this one? And how in the world do you still have your music club in business? Even bigger question: At what point did you say, "Eh, mp3 downloading is just a fad, what people really want is to order their music and have it mailed to them so they can keep up with membership commitments!"

Good job offering DVDs, at least... except that Netflix is raping you there, too.

Sincerely,
Former customer

P.S. Thanks again for that sweet Ace of Base, CD, though. It's All That (I) Want.

To discuss Fall Fest 2009: If Hallmark can do it, we can do it

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:30:00 +0000

It's hard to believe it's been year since Fall Fest 2008.

That might not mean much to you, but then again, you're probably the type of inconsiderate person who would force your son to hide in a cardboard box so you could create a media circus about an ill-fated balloon.

Fall Fest 2008 was the fabricated holiday Capricorn and I dreamed up last October, because there's nothing better than sticking it to Hallmark and creating a fake holiday they don't have covered.

This weekend, we celebrated Fall Fest 2009. Several similarities from last year, both planned and unplanned, occurred, including:

It was cold and raining, ruining any chance to enjoy the autumn foliage
We randomly heard System of a Down's "Chop Suey," which may now be the unofficial anthem of Fall Fest
I chose a pumpkin three times the size of Capricorn's, overly compensating for my gourd envy

Here's the photo recap:

We kicked off Fall Fest with a trip to an out-of-town Goodwill-- two, in fact-- as it seemed Fall Festian to check out random clothes of strangers, plus Capricorn loves Goodwill.

This wasn't for a costume. This was being sold with business suits. I assume this suit means, "Let's close this deal, or I'll blow your head off with my shotgun."

If I ever get to the point in which I need to buy second-hand underwear, well... call that guy who buys the camo business suit and tell him to shoot me right in the second-hand genitals.

After a consignment store discovery and lunch at a diner, which had both a nautical and a country theme, we stopped at a costume store.

Capricorn pointed out even the kiddie girl costumes are kind of slutty. I don't think it's anything worse than the stuff the girls on Toddlers and Tiaras wear... which is to say, yeah, it's slutty.

... which makes sense, because the adult girl costumes are SUPER slutty (there was even an "Adult Section" just for slutty costumes). I actually had a tough time figuring out which was the sluttiest of the Slutty McSluts. I know Halloween is an excuse for good Christian girls to fly their freak flag, but c'mon: What nurse wears garters? Is this part of Obama's health care plan? (Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.)

Disturbing: There was a grandma helping her teenage daughter pick one of these outfits. More disturbing: Little kids were walking around the aisles. Most disturbing: Some really fat chick will probably squeeze into one of these and not realize the transgression.

Then Capricorn tried on a mask. She gets an A for effort and a F for Freaking Me Out.

And I tried on a mask. Capricorn marveled at the creepiness. I enjoyed the Disney princesses.

And finally, we bought pumpkins and came back to the house to carve ~~children~~ jack 'o' lanterns, while watching Capricorn's scary movie choice (House of a 1,000 Corpses, starring Dwight from The Office), which, while gory, wasn't nearly as disturbing as our movie choice last year. We also watched my choice, Dawn of the Dead, which has the great scene when they start sniping zombies that look like celebrities.

Capricorn went for the ghost style pattern...

... And I went for the bat on a house. We bought a pumpkin carving kit designed for children, so fortunately we were able to make passable replicas of the designs. I always feel some pressure with pumpkin carving to not be outdone by a 7-year-old.

Sadly, even a year later, I still do the same goofy faces.... And that, friends, is the tale of Fall Fest 2009.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 'Petite Ninja Warriors'

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:18:00 +0000

Last week, the girls had the Benny Ninja challenge. Ashley, despite her dance background, wasn't good at dancing. That would be like me not being good at a writi... hey, forget I mentioned it. The girls also had a Cirque de Soleil photo shoot with Sundai, Brittany and Rae doing the best. (There was no recap last week because of a Tivo issue. I would rather blame the machine than myself.)

Now on to this week's Play by Play. Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley)
-----------------------
:05 The girls goof around with "Top Model: The Musical," as Mommy pretends to be The Widower, using a horrendous Southern accent. The Widower, who is all types of adorable, admits she's a small town girl, but wants people to know she's been out of her small town a bunch. I hope she's not counting the models' stop at Wal-mart a few weeks ago as "out of her small town."

:06 Lelly doesn't understand why Black Sheep does so well in the competition and yet "has no personality" and "sounds like a robot." Lelly, that's because the robot can take good pictures, and yours look the same every week. This isn't Miss America. If it was, one of the models would have told us by now about the virtues opposite marriage.

:07 Go-sees time. Bold prediction that comes true every season: One of the girls won't make it back in time. It's as if they don't watch previous seasons to realize that's a big deal. That'd be like forgetting the lyrics on "American Idol."

:08 A twist this year: The girls are split into pairs, and have to drive themselves to each go-see. I'm praying for a fender bender, but I don't think I'll be that lucky

:09 First go-see for NC-17 and Lelly is at a jewelry store. Lelly doesn't have pierced ears, "a disaster," says the owner, Neil Lane. Lelly must have seen the Full House when Stephanie pierces her own ears and gets an infection. I understand, Lelly. By the way, they are showing a ton of Lelly footage so far. That's usually an omen.

:11 Widower is at a TV commercial go-see. She says she can do a hood-rat accent. Evidently in Widower's hood, people talk like flamboyant Australians.

:13 Skyler Mattson, one of the TV commercial reps, said Lelly looked like a trainwreck with greasy hair. But enough about the positives, what about the negatives, Skyler?

:21 Hot Fudge Sundae and Mommy have only gone to two go-sees, and Sundae wants to fit another one in, while Mommy, being very Mommy-like, says there's no time and wants to drive back. Sundae overrules her, and it looks like we've found our "who's going to be late?" contestants.

:23 Annnnnddd I was right. Sean Patterson from Wilhelmina Model gives the pair a tongue-lashing. "I don't have the time to deal with you right now. I don't even want you in the room." He really hates models who are late. And I would, too. But it's not quite the same being late in a reality TV competition set up for someone to fail, right?

:25 Black Sheep wins, and is so happy to win a challenge after having an awful photo shoot last week. Of course, most of the other girls get jealous. Lelly and Hot Fudge Sundae both mock Black Sheep's monotone voice. Little do they know, the girls who make fun of other girls out of jealousy on Top Model are doomed to failure. Recent examples: Ashley and Lulu.

:32 Photoshoot time. The girls are dressed like (fashionable) ninja warriors and are suspended in the air with a wire harness. And who hasn't done that lately? I call that "Saturdays."

:36 Lelly is STILL making fun of Black Sheep's voice. Dear Lelly: You are the pot. Black Sheep is the kettle. Your voices are the black. Get it? And Lelly's photo shoot was awful, unless the objective is to look like you need to use the bathroom.

:38 Hot Fudge Sundae is struggling. It's hard, she says, to keep track of how the props look, keeping her face pretty, moving her limbs, finding a good pose... or, as some call it, "modeling."

:45 Judging time. The guest judge is Jessica White, who has been in Sports Illustrated seven times and looks like the black version of Megan Fox. Mena has great shots, possible Mena's best work since American Beauty, or at least since the second episode.

:52 Black Sheep gets the top photo, giving her a two-for-two week. After that, it's Widower and NC-17, who is wearing a top so low cut, Tyra says if she wore the same top, "it would be slightly pornographic." No, Tyra, it would be like your old Sports Illustrated photos. After that, it's Mena, Miss Congeniality and Mommy.

:55 That leaves Lelly and Hot Fudge Sundae in the bottom two, no surprise. And Lelly gets kicked off, despite having a fashionable face. Lelly says it was stupid to even audition for Top Model now that she didn't win. Lelly, don't you watch those "Top Model: Models in Action" segments each week? It doesn't matter if you win- you're all destined to a somewhat successful but not widely recognizable career.

To discuss hosting Christmas

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 12:00:00 +0000

In the years since my older sister, younger brother and I have graduated high school and college, we've been spread out, far away from our parents, who live near Pittsburgh.

At various times, one of us has lived in northern New York, eastern Pennsylvania, Maine, Maryland and Connecticut.

So, in recent years, we've had Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations at my brother's place, as he's the most centrally located by living in southcentral Pennsylvania. Now that I live in the same area, and yet closer to my sister and our aunt and cousin, it's been decided that Capricorn and I are hosting Christmas.

I've always wanted to host Christmas, perhaps hoping something National Lampoon-ey will happen and I'll get locked in an attic or light a cat on fire. It's all golden. Maybe I'll have Capricorn wear a revealing white blouse and grab my crotch while calling me Sparky.

While I think this will be a great time for Capricorn and I, there are potential pitfalls to hosting a family Christmas, if I am to believe holiday movies (and if I can't believe holiday movies, what am I to believe?). I take my job as Christmas host very seriously, so I thought I'd consider possible outcomes.

I will spend the next two months properly preparing for:

My brother becoming a pot-smoking hippie and secretly falling for Capricorn, while I fall for Capricorn's (nonexistent) sister who comes in from out-of-town. Capricorn will later star in a successful Sex and the City movie.
Getting shot in the eye by a BB gun, which will hopefully land me on Texts From Last Night: "(717): Shot my eye out with a BB gun. This is exact opposite of a money shot."
Misplacing my town's collective savings, curiously all placed in one envelope despite the proliferation of online banking and debit cards. This will later force me to spend Christmas hallucinating about never existing at all, leading to a Wild ARS Chase-less world. Tyra Banks cries at the thought of no one writing about her show anymore.
Cooking a Roast Beast, once I figure out where to buy one and if it causes swine flu.
Getting left behind by my family to fend off two hapless burglars who, rather than simply barge in the door and hold me at gunpoint, spend the better part of a magical two hours falling for my childish pranks. This will require me busting out my Micro Machines and a pet tarantula-- Bailey will have to do. I'll cap it off by using my neighbor to get me off the hook, but first I'll send him a Tweet: "@scaryneighbor Totally just busted burglars balls lol. Rescue me with shovel? C u in 5 #holidays #homeinvasion."
Throwing together an impromptu holiday musical performance for my retired army commander who now happens to run an inn with the lady who was on Sister Act. Capricorn and I will marvel at the lack of snow, unaware they have a whole TV channel dedicated to weather forecasts and an iPhone app for that.
Cooking a Christmas goose two times the size my boy, Tim, after my boss was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Guilt Trip.
Switching homes with Cameron Diaz, only to be forced to be hit on by Jack Black.

Am I preparing for enough? What am I missing?

To discuss a month in review: September

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:07:00 +0000

Took me longer than expect, but I finally got around to the September Month in Review. The delay might be because September went by quicker than Tara Reid's fame.

From now on, since this blog is more than a year-old (753 in human years), I'll give you a link to the Month in Review from this time last year. Here's September 2008.

Favorite movie: "I Love You, Man." Exactly what you'd expect from it, in a good way. Paul Rudd=Funny. The strange thing is, he was equally good in "Clueless," except the Judd Apatow mafia wasn't famous then, so Rudd only gets appreciated for doing his lovable, goofy shtick now. Speaking of which, is Alicia Silverstone still alive? Someone should call her just to make sure.

Runner-Up: "Adventureland" It was filmed in Pittsburgh's Kennywood Park (anyone from that area knows how sweet that is), and was genuinely funny even though it starred Kristen Stewart. Don't expect a "Knocked Up" or "Superbad" kind of funny, though. It's more of a dark funny.

Least favorite movie: "Sex and the Teenage Mind" Completely random movie I watched, and it could be one of the worst movies of all time. Consider: 1) Although it was shot this decade, I thought the whole time it was filmed in the 1990s because of the outfits and technology used by the characters, such as a corded telephones and big flannel shirts 2) The biggest stars are Winnie from Wonder Years, Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts and Al from Home Improvement. 3) It makes American Pie look like high art. I'm not even being facetious.
This was the only clip I could find. It just about sums it up.

Favorite song: "Make Her Say," Kid Cudi, Kanye West. It makes Lady Gaga sound relatable (and makes "Poker Face" have a whole new meaning). And it makes me forget about Lady Gaga bathing herself in blood on the MTV Video Music Awards, and about Kanye picking on a skinny white girl.

Runner-up: "Wasted," Gucci Mane. I've really been into gangsta rap lately, like I'm 16 again, or Natalie Portman. I listen to Hip Hop Nation on XM Radio all the time, pretending it's perfectly acceptable for me to listen along with a station that A) talks about the hard street life and B) uses the 'n' word in songs like I pepper "dude" into a conversation. I might as well be Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Consider these lyrics from "Wasted":
"Sippin on purple stuff, rolling up stanky/Waking up in the morning 10 a.m. dranking." It's practically Gershwin!

Least favorite song: "Gotta Feeling," Black Eyes Peas. I've gotta feeling they wrote the lyrics on a napkin one night and decided to throw it together into a song.

Best New TV Show (in honor of the fall season): Um, "Community," maybe? It's uneven, but I do love Ken Jeong as the Spanish teacher... I caught one episode of Modern Family and Cougar Town, and both made me laugh.

Worst New TV show: You'd think I'd say "Glee," considering what I wrote recently, but Glee isn't horrible- just not as good as it could be.* No, the worst new TV show is "Accidentally on Purpose", the CBS show starring Jenna "Fading Star" Elfman. I watch it because it's in between How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men. It's got a shoddy plot (what happens when she has the baby?), two annoying characters in the sister and the best friend, and is trying way too hard.

Best TV show I just discovered: Tie, "Entourage" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Took me long enough to get on board. At this rate, I'll be extolling the virtues of "L.A. Law" next month.

Best moment: Capricorn and I celebrating our one-year anniversary. A year goes by fast when you're with someone who makes the hours fleeting.

Worst moments: There are some things that aren't meant to be blogged, so I'll just say part of September was really rough. If my year was a Zack Braff movie, then part of September was that portion of his movies where he sits on the steps in the rain and stares.

Best decision: Judging by your reactions, probably keeping my sponsorship for my African son. But the real question is, how can I get someone to sponsor me?

Favorite Blog Post by Me: I love guest blogging, so nothing was more fun than giving male insight to Miss Tiff.

Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: Cavy had a very, very bad day. Delightfully, she decided to share it with us so we could ~~laugh and point~~commiserate with her.

Blogger of the Month:I didn't get to do enough blog reading in September. Not nearly enough. So I'll hold off, and hope October gets me back on track. Thanks for coming by Wild ARS, anyway.

* P.S. Yes, I do understand the show isn't supposed to be totally believable. But neither is The Office. The difference is, The Office knows that, and never tries to make you think this is an actual, functioning paper company. Glee doesn't know what kind of show it wants to be-- is the glee club the focus, or is it the school as a whole/is it spoofing high school, or is it emulating high school... I'll give it time to figure itself out. Fair enough?

To discuss reasons why Glee isn't all that and a bag of flamboyant singers

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

There are a few things you aren't allowed to bash within social media conversations:
1) Mental retardation
2) The Holocaust, unless it's an Anne Frank joke
3) Glee

I bashed Glee, the new Fox series about a high school glee club full of whores, losers and jocks, on a Tweet last week.

Almost immediately, some of my real-life friends defended the show, as if saying Glee is garbage is akin to saying Mother Theresa is a Slutty McSlutterson.

I'm all for people having their own opinion, but saying Glee is fantastic is just bewildering. Hey, I want this show to be good, but it's not.

Instead of letting Fox give you propaganda, I decided to write a counterargument. So, here are reasons why Glee is more overrated than winning American Idol.

It's unrealistic:

The show is based on the premise it is uncool to be in glee club. Considering the wild success of American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance and High School Musical, among others, are we really supposed to believe kids are still ostracized the same way now about singing in a glee club they would've been a few decades ago?
Cory Monteith, who plays high school senior Finn, is 27 years old in real life. Matthew Morrison, who plays Will, the glee club adviser, is just three years older. It's just one of many examples of the adults and students all looking like they are about the same age.
Finn is led to believe he knocked up his abstinent girlfriend, Quinn (Finn/Quinn as names is another reason, really), by sperm floating through hot tub water. So we're supposed to feel bad the guy is dealing with the thought of being a teenage dad, and yet skip over the fact he is gullible enough to believe he has super sperm?
The high school principal constantly says the school has no money, but the cheerleading team gets a massive budget, and they can decide to put on a full musical and hire a director on a whim.
Everyone in the glee club has quit at least once, and Will, the adviser, barely seems to make it to practice, and yet not only does the group still think they can win competitions, but they have perfect harmonies when they sing, despite barely rehearsing and having little background experience.

It lacks believability

The show producers decided to give the show a more polished feel, so the musical numbers-- the lifeblood of the show-- are lip synched. That's fine, but they are lip synched with all the accuracy and aplumb of Ashley Simpson on SNL. That gives it less of a "look at what these kids can do when they pull together" feel and more of a "look at what these studio singers can do after a few hours of sound mixing." Fox must think I'm Mr. Tuttle and the glee club is using a boombox underneath the risers*. (*Saved by the Bell reference. Please tell me you got it.)
At one point, the club sings Salt-n-Pepa's "Push It," complete with jaw-dropping pelvic thrusts, during a school assembly. If this ever actually happened, the adviser would get fired and all the kids would be suspended. If the most popular girl in school, Quinn, is saying she's a conservative Christian, then you'd have to think there's a big Bible Belt movement in the town, and they'd flip out knowing kids were singing "Push It." Even though the principal later gives them an approved list of songs to sing, they still practice whatever they want.
Although it was entertaining, the football team did the Beyonce "Single Ladies" dance during their game. While that could be overlooked, what can't be overlooked is that the producers evidently have no idea how football works. They would have had a bunch of delay of game/illegal motion penalties, and beyond that, this team is supposed to be horrible and they were only down 6-0 at the end of the game?
The glee club decides to hire another adviser on their own, and somehow raise thousands of dollars in a single car wash to do it. That's one nice school system that lets a club secretly hire their own adviser, especially a bigoted, sexist one.
Kristin Chenoweth was a guest star whose character was a former glee club star back when she and Will went to school; she since has become a slutty drunk. In perhaps the biggest aggravation of all, her character was allowed to: enroll in school to finish her degree (not night school. regular high school), give kids alcohol during the school day with little repercussion, and sleep with high school football players, all so the glee club could have a new leading lady that so obviously would not work out.

And there are weird story lines/production decisions

Finn and Rachel, the main Glee girl, are supposed to be in a "will they or won't they" thing, Finn and Quinn are dealing with her pregnancy, Will's wife is pretending she's pregnant, Will and teacher Emma like each other but can't do anything about it, Will is fighting cheerleading coach Jane Lynch for money and power, Will wants to start his own a capella group, one of the Glee kids is gay and has to tell his dad, one of the Glee kids is in a wheelchair... it goes on and on. And that's just a few episodes in. For great lengths of time, the glee club isn't even mentioned. In Friday Night Lights, they barely play football, but the storylines are good enough you don't mind. Here, it's like a car engine without oil. And the little musical vignettes of characters singing randomly don't cut it, especially with its one of the girls singing "Bust Your Window Out Your Car" after throwing a rock through the gay guy's windshield-- I haven't seen something that staged since Kanye West told us Beyonce had the best music video.
The funniest character, Jane Lynch's cheerleading coach, gets minimal screen time.
The role model for the kids, Will, has, thus far, quit on the club, almost cheated on his pregnant wife (he thought she was pregnant at the time), brought in a singing ringer in a move that, if I was a high schooler, would make me feel incredibly insecure, and generally paid very little regard to actually building up a glee club.
In moments that actually seem tender or sincere, the "bada bada bah" goofy a capella song snippets play to transition the scene, almost as if to say, "Hey, we almost got a little too realistic there." But, on the other hand, there are times when the show doesn't seem like it wants to be cartoonish and instead wants to show viewers, "High school is just like this!" It's High School Musical meets Dawson's Creek, except you want Dawson to murder everyone in the school.
Quinn always, always, always wears her cheerleading uniform.

So, there you go-- feel free to debate. I was just getting overwhelmed with all of these TV promos exalting the show as musical Jesus.

Tonight, there's a new episode. Watch if you want. But don't say I didn't warn you.

To discuss a Weekend Update: Civil War, Zombies and Homecoming

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 12:00:00 +0000

I would like to note I am writing this post while eating a Little Debbies snack cake. Long-time readers will appreciate that mention.

Anyway, here's a late Weekend Update, detailing a trip Capricorn and I took to Gettysburg and our other weekend activities.

The photo to the right was taken on top of Little Round Top. If you look close enough, you can see Rebel Flags being waved by Southerners hoping there's still a chance the Confederates can still make a big comeback and validate the flag on the back of their pick-up.* (* You looked, didn't you? Bet you're from the South.)
------------------------------------------

When the Union soldiers dug in on Cemetery Hill to fend off the Confederate advance, I wonder if they realized they were helping protect the land for future generations, so we could put a Shell gas station nearby.

Capricorn, a South Carolina native, was more than slightly disappointed there weren't any major Confederate statues. I told her that's what happens when you lose. She did enjoy, however, discovering this random Native American statue amid all the Union soldier statues... Or, as she shouted out the window, "Injuns!"

I never realized Colonel Sanders fought at Gettysburg. Luckily, this KFC has been erected to commemorate the now infamous Battle of Little Chicken Wing.

What's the Over/under per year on drunk Gettysburg College students taking photos of a cannon in front of their crotch/having sex on the battlefield/reenacting battle scenes using Nerf guns? 25? 50? 1,000?
It's a strange feeling to know you are standing on land that generations ago was the site of massive casualties and horror. The closest thing my generation can relate to is watching massive career casualties and horror on the Real World/Road Rules challenges.
After our brief tour, we stopped at a TGIF for dinner. And by stopped, I mean "was told there was an hour-long wait so we went to Ruby Tuesday's." Is there a reason those types of restaurants aren't just made bigger, or is there a psychological advantage to make dozens of people sit outside listening to light rock for 45 minutes before they can eat? Does Michael McDonald help the steak taste better?
It was high school homecoming time in Gettysburg, we think. Four out of five slightly slutty dresses indicated so. It made me wax nostalgic about my high school homecomings, all the nervousness about asking a girl to the dance, getting the corsage, stealing my dad's tie, pretending I had any clue how to dance. There's nothing like high school to make you feel like you will die alone.
Next, it was on to the movies in a building that resembled a failed beach house. We saw "Zombieland." I highly recommend it, based on three things:

It nicely combined zombie gore with developing the human element to the story. I'm a zombie movie lover--"28 Days Later" and "Night of the Living Dead"-- so I know my zombies.
Woody Harrelson says funny things like "God bless rednecks."
They play a Ghostbusters clip.

Capricorn told me to stop jumping at scary parts. So, evidently, out of the two of us, I'm the one who needs coddled and told everything is going to be OK.
To accomplish this night out on the town, we had to drop off our chihuahuas at her parents' house. As her dad later put it, we basically dropped off the grandkids. This must be how it starts. I bet you Jon and Kate started with chihuahuas and then went on to children and then went on to... Capricorn, we can't drop off the chihuahuas anymore!
On Sunday, her family and I went bowling. If you ever want to see a failing business model, check out a bowling center that hasn't been built and/or renovated recently. It'll remind you of the days of Trapper Keepers, Nancy Drew and slap bracelets. We all love those things, but not enough to use them anymore (Though I'd love to find a reason to use a Trapper Keeper). Same with older bowling centers-- the graphic for someone getting a strike shouldn't remind me of clip art from an Apple IIE. And the interface for the bowling scorecard shouldn't resemble the pixelated quality of Oregon Trail. If bowling centers were a cell phone, they'd be Zack Morris'. At least some new ones get it-- the one I usually use plays music videos on drop-down screens, so I can listen to Miley Cyrus and get out the ensuing anger out all at once.
I wanted to write this post Sunday night at halftime of the football game, as the Pittsburgh Steelers were up 28-0 and cruising to victory. But they decided to start their now-regular second-half sucking, and like a train wreck or Heidi Montag, I couldn't look away. At least they won. It makes it easier to swallow the fact on the same day, the Pirates finished their season with 99 losses.
Insert "easier to swallow" joke here, LBluca and Haute Pocket.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 Ep. 5

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 12:47:00 +0000

It's the Tyra photo shoot on "America's Next Top Model." Time for Tyra to remind us that she's the best photographer ever. Let's jump into the TV Play by Play. Here's last week's recap, if you missed it.

And here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Lady Luck (Ashley), Mena (Erin), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel), Spirit Fingers (Courtney) and The L Word (LuLu) (Interviews with all these girls over at Real Blogger)

---------------------------

:03 "My boob's about to pop out," Lelly says while looking at her winning photo on the wall. I thought the same thing! It was like Beyonce's magical, stay-in-place cleavage on her MTV Video Music Awards performance.

:05 Tyra mail still comes in paper form. After 13 cycles, you'd think she'd send it on e-mail or Twitter.

:06 The girls learn how to do smoky eye makeup from professional makeup guy Sam Fine. He does The Widower's one eye, and she looks like she got in a street fight. Sexy.

:07 This has to be the only reason Nigel has ever had to go to Wal-mart ... The challenge: Run around Wal-mart on fake go-sees. Hey, maybe they'll see people like this. Anyway, there are four stations the girls have to stop at: clothes, shoes, make-up, ~~hunting gear~~ and photo, with fewer items than girls at each station. Like musical chairs, except its musical models.

:10 I haven't seen this much exposed underwear... since the last time I was at Wal-mart.

:16 The girls pushed, pulled and cheated their way to the finish line- Mena, Pouty McPouterson, and Hot Fudge Sundae make it, with Lady Luck losing out after Mena hid her photo. Mena made no apologies for it-- I like it. Hot Fudge Sundae wins, earning a $1,000 Wal-mart gift card, the best prize so far this season, by far.

:22 It's time for the photo challenge. Tyra is the photographer, which is Tyra's favorite part of Tyra's show (If you weren't sure of that, look at the episode title). The focus is on beauty modeling, which Tyra says "is all about the face." To me, it looks like doing a bunch of sexy Facebook profile photos.

:25 A twist: Tyra will pick a top photo at the end of the shoot, instead of waiting for judging. Someone will get immunity ASAP. Or, as its known in reality competitions, "taking all the mystery out of the episode."

:28 The girls all are wearing head scarves. NC-17 has to wear hers over her face. For her, it's for artistic effect. For me, that would just mean they are trying to hide my face. The scarves idea is genius. I mean, nobody's ever, ever done a photo shoot with silk scarves before. Except for a lot of people.

:33 After each shoot finishes, Tyra rehashes each girl's performance, wearing the scarf and saying weird things. I'll let this photo speak for itself.

:35 NC-17 wins ANOTHER challenge, getting immunity for the week. She's the Lebron James of Cycle 13, except she has yet to nab her own Sprite commercial. As a reward, she gets an extra photo shoot for tyrabanks.com with two male models Tyra "discovered." Tyra makes a joke about the girls probably wanting to jump the guys because they haven't been around a man for so long. Well, technically, they've been around Miss J and Jay Manuel, but, well...

:43 Judging time, with guest judge China Chow. As noted, NC-17 has the top shot and walks up to get her photo. Miraculously, she doesn't keel over after Tyra congratulates her, what with all the daggers shot into her back by jealous girls behind her.

:46 Widower gets mocked for her crazy, striped, romper with midriff outfit, made by her grandma, Wanda Sue. Miss J can't get enough of Widower talking about her country roots. Me too, Miss J, me too. Widower cracks me up.:52 After NC-17, it's Miss Congeniality, Mommy, Black Sheep, Mena (who I thought was going home because they kept showing her so much earlier on), Widower, Hot Fudge Sundae and Lelly.

:56 That leaves Lady Luck and Pouty. Tyra says Pouty's face is too hard in photo, and that Lady Luck was the most difficult to shoot... but Lady Luck gets to stay, as Pouty's lucky streak of evading the bottom two runs out.

To discuss prepubescent hijinx, and other news

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 12:30:00 +0000

Capricorn works in a pharmacy. Earlier this month, a trio of boys came into into her store. All three are probably middle school age, with one boy clearly waiting to hit his growth spurt as he was the runt of the group.

The runt walks up to Capricorn's counter and slaps a package of magnum-size condoms in front of her. He smirks, and looks at her.

"'Cause I'm a G," the runt says.

He then somewhat tosses a five-dollar bill at her, like Diddy in a Biggie Smalls video. The runt's friends laughed behind him. You get the sense the only thing extra-large about him is his perception of himself.

I love that story.

Anyway, onto the news of the day:

One of my original readers, Miss Tiff, who has come back to blogging after an extended hiatus, invited me to write a guest post today. With all the womens' magazine reading I've been doing lately, the blog topic was an easy one. Stop over and tell her I sent you- I think if I send enough people over, I get frequent flier miles or something.