Wild ARS Chase

To discuss it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas?

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 14:43:00 +0000

Dear Thanksgiving:

On behalf of jag-offs everywhere, I apologize. I haven't seen this much thunder stolen since Urkel joined "Family Matters" and Carl Winslow became an afterthought.

Once Halloween is over, it's no secret marketers and businesses want to remind us it's the holidays. Commercials tell us to shop now for Christmas before it's too late. In reality, it's too late on Dec. 26. It's not too late Dec. 24.

But the commercials aren't a big deal, and to be expected. I can even look past Jim Carrey's "Christmas Carol" movie coming out last weekend, hoping without cause it could be better than Muppet Christmas Carol.

What's not to be expected is for people to jump the gun and start decorating for Christmas now, before anyone has carved a turkey, watched Al Roker flag down parade floats or watched the Detroit Lions in their annual Thanksgiving Day loss.

On Friday, I was driving down an autumn foliage covered road. Fall was in the air (and likely H1N1, but that doesn't have pretty leaves).

And then what to my wondering eyes did appear, but an inflatable Santa Claus, lights and general Christmas regalia spread all over the side of a house and lawn, inviting me to have a Merry Christmas.

Full holiday decorations. Nov. 5.

And then yesterday, Thanksgiving, you remember what happened? I drove through a town that had jack-o-lanterns decaying gracefully on doorsteps, hoping to scare off children one last time with the threat of a bacterial infection. I saw brown banners on light posts adorned with leaves. I had football on the radio, and leaves falling from the trees. It was fall in all its splendor.

Except for the garland and Christmas bells hanging throughout the town.

So, Thanksgiving, it seems once again you are the redheaded stepchild of holidays. You are a mere formality to Black Friday, a roadbump to Christmas morn.

Sorry about your loss. Maybe next year, try adding gift-giving to your holiday's list of traditions, right after the turkey feast. Steal the thunder right back from Jesus. He already gets two holidays a year, anyway.

Sincerely,
Wild ARS Chase

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 "Dive Deeper"

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:20:00 +0000

Last week, Brittany couldn't cut it in the biracial photo shoot, which was either a really cool racially progressive idea, or a really stereotypical, racist thing to do. Hard to say when it comes to Top Model. We're now down to the Top 5 in last night's Cycle 13 episode, "Dive Deeper."

Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), The Widower (Laura), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley), Lelly (Kara), Mommy (Rae) and NC-17 (Brittany)
-------------------------

:05 Mena Suvari is feeling the pressure. She finished in the bottom two two weeks in a row, as she watched Mommy and NC-17 get kicked off. Mena says at age 18, this is the biggest thing she's ever done. C'mon, Mena. American Beauty was the biggest thing you've ever done. You almost blew Kevin Spacey.

:06 Hot Fudge Sundae reveals she used to be in a foster home, but it's made her a better person- an admirable attitude. Not as admirable: She's sucking her thumb.

:07 It's The Widower's birthday, and she couldn't be happier. As she noted, she's gone from "castrating bulls to modeling." Yeah, but since you started modeling, Widower, it's been Bulls Gone Wild back on the farm. It's a veritable orgy.

:09 Swimsuit model/Victoria's Secret model/teenage boy dirty fantasy Marisa Miller,
the guest judge for the week, is on the beach to teach the girls about swimsuit modeling. Contrary to my belief, the object isn't to just look like the swimsuit is going to fall off at any moment. There's actual technique.

:10 I'd tell you more about what happened during the bikini session, but I passed out.

:11 Another blurred out moment: Widower's bikini top must have had a malfunction. There's been a lot of blurred out moments on Top Model this year. Just wait for them to release an uncensored DVD... Meanwhile, the girls practice being sexy under a shower. Drowned rat must be the new sexy. The only thing getting turned on right now is the faucet.

:19 For the challenge, the girls have to jump off a cliff into the water, giving a good pose on the way down. Mena says she has no problem jumping. "I'll jump off anything." Really? Are you taking requests? I know some girls in the house who might make a suggestion.

:23 What a surprise, Black Sheep wins. Miss Congeniality, who isn't very congenial this episode, practically is ill thinking of Black Sheep winning another event. It reminds me of Melrose- she won all the time, and the girls hated that. Melrose ended up losing to Caridee. So that means Black Sheep will end up losing to... Marisa Miller, who enters the competition for the chance to get on the cover of Seventeen magazine.

:25 All the girls except Mena are awarded extra frames at the next photo shoot, as nobody wanted to choose Mena because she's a "brat," according to Black Sheep. When the girl who everyone is jealous of says you're the unlikeable one, you know things aren't going well.

:32 Photo shoot time. The girls are shooting underwater, which they should have been expecting because it's a Top model staple. Without watching ahead, you just know one of the girls will have some issue with being underwater and freak out. It's like a girl being late for go-sees. P.S. I watch too much Top Model.

:33 Widower freaks out at first, but gets it together and remains adorable as she explains how it's bad to "Freak out at the bottom of the ocean." Actually, you are about 5 feet underwater, Widower, but we like you, so it's OK.

:35 Hot Fudge Sundae (who freaked out) comes up with all kinds of excuses on why she can't do the shoot. Jay Manuel said stop screwing around and do it. As someone with asthma, I don't buy her excuse she can't hold her breath underwater because of asthma. You're giving kids with asthma a bad name. And trust me- my middle school years prove we don't need any help.

:44 Judging time. Once again, Widower has an outfit on her grandma made. Her grandma must do nothing but sew all day. Give granny a break, Widower. Let her go castrate a bull once in a while. Side note: Marisa Miller's top is so low cut, she has bottom and top cleavage. It's epic cleavage.

:46 Miss Congeniality says she stops breathing during judging because of nerves. During deliberation, Marisa says Miss Congeniality's pose is "too erect." Miss J replies "it can never be too erect." Now I'm the one who's not breathing.

:56 Miss Congeniality gets top photo, followed by Black Sheep and Widower. Hot Fudge Sundae and Mena (for the third time in a row) are in the bottom two.

:58 And Hot Fudge Sundae goes home. They must really love Mena to keep stringing her along. Or maybe they'll just string her along to Top 2 and then cut her. Tyra's evil like that.

To discuss a month in review: October 2009

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:00:00 +0000

October is one of my favorite times of the year, what with the autumn foliage (suck on that Australia... just kidding, love you), its new TV shows, its football and its playoff baseball. The downside: There are no federal holidays I could take off. Let's invent one. Please leave nominations.

While you do that, let's take a look at the October Month in Review.

For a flashback, here's October 2008.

Favorite movie: "Zombieland" I love zombie movies. I love funny, quirky movies. I love random references to Ghostbusters. I love Zombieland. Easy enough, right?

Runner-Up (Two): "16 Candles" Capricorn couldn't believe it, but I hadn't seen "16 Candles" (or "Pretty in Pink, or a plethora of other 80s movies) before. So she made me watch it, and it was very enjoyable. Kind of funny watching a pubescent John Cusack.
And...
"Wanted" It was a bit Matrix/Eagle Eye, but still managed to come up with some new tricks (landing a car on the side of a bus/shooting bullets in a circle), had at least somewhat plausible answers to obvious questions (a healing pool that makes up for the fact these assassins get shot at all the time) and had Angelina Jolie, who was perfect for the role and made me forget she's got 20 kids. Unless she only took the role so she could learn how to train her kids to be assassins. Because that would be genius. Watch out, Jennifer Aniston!

Least favorite movie: "Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emporer" I am a huge fan of the first Mummy movie; I had a huge thing for Rachel Weisz, and it had all the funny lines and good action you could want this side of Indiana Jones. The second movie had the annoying kid, but still had you along for a great ride. The Scorpion King, the branch-off version starring the Rock, was, um ... how about that first Mummy? So when I finally got around to the latest Mummy, now with Jet Li and with Maria Bello, I at least hoped to be entertained. Sweet fancy mustard, no. It was believable for Rachel Weisz to be an English professor-type; it was ridiculous to ask Maria Bello to do the same. It was fun watching Brendan Fraser battle mummies; it wasn't that much fun watching his now grown-up son do it while he and dad tried to force some father-son bonding. Oh, and there are Yetis.

Favorite song: "Wishing Well" Airborne Toxic Event. Listen to it once. It'll get stuck in your head, but in a good way. Not like that "This is the song that never ends" Lambchops song. Which is now stuck in your head.

Runner-up: "Forever" Drake, Kanye, Lil Wayne and Eminem. I'm on a real big rap kick right now. It's like I'm 16 all over again, except this time it's even more awkward.

Least favorite song: Anything Mariah Carey has done lately. So I guess that includes Nick Cannon.

Favorite TV Show: "Curb Your Enthusiasm." I think I was too jaded about the end of Seinfeld to catch on to this show when it started. Now that the Seinfeld cast is making guest appearances, I'm just jumping on board.

Runner-up: "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" A little uneven- didn't really love the World Series episode- but at its best, one of the best comedies going. I told Capricorn she should dress like Desert Rose for Halloween. She told me to dress like Desert Grape ... Highlight this season so far: Charlie's blind date ("I'm a full on rapist."... "You mean philathropist?")

(Modern Family gets an honorable mention, as does Say Yes to the Dress, if Capricorn had her say)

Worst TV show: "The Girls Next Door." On top of being creepy, now the girls aren't even likeable. I'm too old to date the twins. I'm in my mid-20s.

Best moment: Capricorn and I having a daylong date in Gettysburg, which included seeing Little Round Top and Zombieland- those are two different things. Runner-up: Fall Fest 2009

Worst moments: Not a worst moment for me, but man, some of you really love your Glee, don't you?

Best decision: Taking the latter part of last week to visit my college and talk to high schoolers about becoming journalists. One student was even kind enough to ask how much I make. Once I stopped crying and took the pistol out of my mouth, I was more than glad to help her. I also got to see my parents, who have updated me on everything our neighbors are doing. What are parents for?

Favorite Blog Post by Me: It's just fun to make fun of the very things we used to love, isn't it?

Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: LiLu did her very own Post Secret event, and the results were legen... wait for it

Blogger of the Month: ... dary. And that, among many reasons, is why LiLu gets my Blogger of the Month award for October 2009. Maybe this will finally make her family proud of her.

I have my doubts.

To discuss live Tweeting trick-or-treat 2009

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:02:00 +0000

Last year, I decided to chronicle my first time handing out candy at Halloween as an adult. I've since moved to a new complex, so why not go for round two of live Tweeting? Here's the recap of my Tweets, or Twits, or Tweeters, or whatever made-up name old Twitter updates are called. Twats?

Another Halloween, another year of live Tweeting trick-or-treat. Might be short-lived: it's raining. I should prob. be at a party somewhere.
First failed idea of the night: Capricorn nixed my idea to put a Megan's Law warning sign outside our door, to see which kids are hardcore
When I was a kid, I went trick-or-treating no matter what, even when it snowed. I even went when I was 16 and I drove house to house.
@clevertia I figure if a kid wants candy bad enough to risk being molested, he can have the whole bowl. And a lifetime of nightmares.
First trick-or-treaters: Transformer and a Spanish dancer of some sort. I didn't tell the Transformer his movies are overrated. He was 5.
Some people just drove slowly past my front door and laughed. Wonder if it was the rotting pumpkin, or a dude writing on his laptop in the rain?
Next group included ninja, bee and a baby lion, with a mom dressed as some sort of slutty 80s dancer. That's a win all around.
Just saw a chihuahua with a Mexican poncho. Good thing Bailey didn't see or he would've flipped out I didn't get him one. He can be a diva.
Huge group came by, lots of costumes. One boy was dressed as a "kid in sweatshirt in it for the free candy." Very creative.
Genius idea: Older kid, not in costume, got candy from me by saying, "Uh, it's for the little girl coming up behind me." I think he was solo.
@stateiamin I like the dedication. Why do all of us feel like wimps now? What happened?
To spice up the trick-or-treating, I'm reading this http://bit.ly/2u8Qdo @livitluvit post while handing out candy. You should too. (Ed. note: NSFW post)
Punk kid *peers into my apt* "Did you like just move in?" Me: "Uh... yeah?" Reality: It's been more than a year. Jerk.
Clarification: This post http://bit.ly/pV7FZ is by @whatkindofgirl, not @livitluvit, although it's funny I assumed it was livitluvit. (Ed. note: It was linked on her site)
Would it be bad taste if I wore a mask, put up caution tape and told kids not to get their H1N1 all over my candy?
If you are old enough to show cleavage, you might be too old for trick-or-treating. Or you should be at a party making bad decisions.
Just got back from trip to Walmart. It was hard to tell w ho was in costume and who was a regular Walmart customer.*

* It was a top-notch night for Wal-mart**. They were really coming out of the woodwork; there very well could have been some qualifying entries for this.

** Capricorn and I had to go so we could buy dog food. Usually, I get a little five pound bag, but Bailey and Leo eat through it faster than Oprah through a corndog. So Capricorn convinced me to buy a 40-pound bag this time. To summarize, I have 40 pounds of food for 12 pounds of dog. We should be set at least until 2012, when John Cusack battles the apocalypse.

To discuss what I should teach young journalistic minds this week

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 12:30:00 +0000

On Thursday, I'll be speaking to high school kids attending a media conference at my alma mater university.

The topic: Blogging and journalism.

I'll try to drop in what I've learned, whether it's using Twitter for reporting, or writing a reality show blog to attract a different readership/get paid to watch So You Think You Can Dance.

Now, I've already dispensed social media advice to all you in the summer.

The budding journalists I talk to this week can only pray my advice is just as sage when I speak to them.

Since you won't be there, here are some of my possible words of advice:

Don't believe all the hype about "the Internet." People love holding an unwieldy and bulky newspaper. There's something about the lack of Google searchability and timeliness that readers just love. I mean, everyone was doom-and-gloom over postal mail when e-mail invented, and look how that turned out!
Interested in podcasting? Instead of doing clips about the day's hot news topics, try spicing things up. Listeners would much rather hear whether you agree with Esquire magazine naming Kate Beckinsale the sexiest woman alive* than they would about your views on property tax reform. Or, converge the two to get the most listeners. "In a meeting last night, the board members said 'insurance costs have caused us to inflate tax increases.' Speaking of 'caused us to inflate' ... Kate Beckinsale."
Leave the news to the bloggers. Sure, you might say they have limited access to sources, a lack of training on how to write a cohesive, fact-checked story, and a lack of understanding of how news is put together. But their unvalidated opinions still have lots of moxie! And when people get their news, they'll take moxie over accuracy and/or objectiveness anytime.
Use your official newspaper Twitter account to trash talk sources. They won't be mad because you're just being so darn cutting edge using your social media to reach readers. Hey, everyone knows Twitter wasn't popular until news talk shows did feature segments on it. You control fads! While you're at it, young journalist, use your new-found power to bring back Trapper Keepers. They're the shiz!
Petition Facebook to allow you to add attribution to your status updates, so people will know that you verified your state of being. If you tell me you are "in a relationship," I want to know it's "according to my girlfriend." If you are "It's complicated" I want to feel confident that it's "according to my sister's bisexual husband who 'accidentally' felt me up and I kinda liked it but then remember he used to be a she who liked he's and she's but now just she's since he's a he" Attribution, attribution, attribution.

* While I can't disagree in theory- Kate Beckinsale is crazy attractive- doesn't Esquire really mean, "The sexiest white female celebrity actor and/or singer"? It's not like Esquire searched the earth finding the sexiest woman; for instance, my girlfriend, despite being uber-sexy, was not considered. Were any of you?

To discuss a Cosmo review: November 2009

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:30:00 +0000

It's been a few months since the last Cosmo review, after I went on Cosmo overload in August with a We Are Cosmo stog.

But Kim Kardashian's on the cover of the November 2009 edition, so you know I can't miss the opportunity. I've got all of you to think about. Let's get into Cosmo. As always, don't read this if you wear a WWJD bracelet.

The cover alone offers a myriad of "duhs" Cosmo assumes readers are either idiots or virgins. "What He Thinks During Sex." Um, he thinks, 'Woohooooo! Booobbbiieeess!' "Kim Kardashian: The Mistake That Still Haunts Her- No, Not the Sex Tape"Actually, yes, the sex tape. "Bad Girl Issue: For Sexy Bitches Only" Good thing I renewed my sexy bitch permit.
Are Cosmo readers secretly lesbians? There are a lot of ads with topless chicks. A lot.
Cover subject Kim Kardashian: In the quiz, she says she's tired of having to defend my "butt!! It's real, OK!!!!" Kim, of course we know that. You proved it in your home exercise video ... Wait, that wasn't about home exercise? Yeah, right, and next you're going to tell me "One Night in Paris" wasn't a documentary on the perils of drug abuse.
Kim says the sex video was a mistake, "and I don't make the same mistake twice." Next time, she'll get better lighting and an iTunes distribution deal.
Cosmo Man Manual: Tear-away cards to take to the bar so you can decipher a guy's body language. I'll tell you this much: If you whip out a body language advice card while trying to decipher a man, you might as well call it a night. "Excuse me, Hottie McGuy, but can you not move for a second? I'm trying to figure out if you are subconsciously undressing me."
Dear Cosmo: I appreciate you including a photo in the "Man Manual" section of a girl wearing a wife-beater with no bra, but it's worthless nipple. I can't get aroused by Cosmo nipple. It's like cleavage at church- you weren't supposed to see it in the first place, and when you do, you don't know what to do with it.
Before They Were Hotties: I feel better knowing Brad Pitt had a double-chin before. Of course, he was a baby, but I'll take it.
What He's Really Thinking During Sex: "When I see that those giant breasts she had really came form a push-up bra, it's a huge disappointment," Allan, 28. Also a disappointment, Allan: When she takes off your pants and find a balled-up tube sock.
Another example: "Talking dirty is cool, but I do not want to be called Daddy by anyone in bed," Dan, 30. Totally acceptable alternatives, Dan: Step-Daddy, Lord of the Groin, or Pretty, Pretty Princess.
"The New Way to Foreplay: Cosmo's uncovered some surprisingly sensitive parts of the body." How is it possible there are parts of the body Cosmo has yet to find erogenous? At this point, they are down to elbows, kidneys and heels. Here's a hint, Cosmo: Advise women to directly touch a man's Private Benjamin. We'll salute every time. Don't try to reinvent the penis.
Cosmo's 2009 Bachelor Blowout: A hottie from every state. Capricorn thumbed through all the guys and found about 18 that were passable. She almost gagged at a few. We particularly enjoyed the guys who listed their interests as "playing the guitar," "surfing" or "generally being kind of a douche."
There's an entire section about being a bad girl. Except, in Cosmo terms, all that seems to mean is that you are super, super, SUPER slutty and likely have a tramp stamp. Oh, and you swear like a trucker ... while having slutty slut sex with strangers.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 "Interview 101"

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:47:00 +0000

Last week, Kara (Lelly) got kicked off after a disastrous ninja photo shoot. This week, in "Interview 101," we get to the all-important Cover Girl commercial shoot. Let's see what happens.

Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), The Widower (Laura), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley) and Lelly (Kara).

-------------------------

:05 The girls are still ragging on Black Sheep. NC-17 says Black Sheep still has no personality, and that NC-17's personality "is one girl's can relate to." So girls can relate to being jealous?

:07 The girls go see Lara Spencer, host of "The Insider," and Ant, host of Celebrity Fit Club. The girls have to practice interviewing different stereotypess of actors, from strung out to high strung. Do they practice "the Tyra"?

:11 The Widower is worried about the interview challenge, as she has a learning disability that hurts her reading skills. Some girls don't do well when the teleprompter goes out while they interview "90210" actress Jessica Lowndes. If Top Model wanted a "90210" actress, why not get Lori Loughlin? At least then the girls could ad-lib questions about Full House. "So, do you think Becky and Joey were secretly having an affair?"

:13 The Widower is up. The teleprompter turns into a garbled mess of numbers and symbols. "0163. Is that a word?" The Widower wonders off-camera. On-camera, she blurts out the f-bomb. Otherwise, she's doing awesome!

:20 Mena is great on-camera, partially because she's done so many movies before. (If no one has told Erin she looks like Mena Suvari, I'd be shocked). She wins the challenge, and she and two friends, Miss Congeniality and Mommy, get to go on a Seventeen magazine shoot.

:24 Cover Girl commercial day. The girls get prep kits to practice. You know The Widower is going to struggle, maybe as much as Jael did on that Aussie shoot a few seasons ago (a total trainwreck).

:29 Teyona, who was terrible on Cycle 12's Cover Girl shoot but won the competition anyway, is there to mentor the girls. Is it me, or did anyone else forget Teyona won, and not Allison? Is it me, or does anyone remember who won any of the seasons?

:31 The girls are promoting Exact eye makeup. But it looks like they are holding a tampon. Black Sheep does surprisingly well. Hot Fudge Sundae sounds like a dude -- Nigel Barker says "she sounds like an amateur." Nigel thinks Miss Congeniality, however, is "naturally charming."

:33 The Widower, as predicted, does a terrible job remembering her lines, but is oozing charm. NC-17... you could almost hear the crickets. At least they let the girls spend the night memorizing Cover Girl lines this time. Usually, all the girls mess up.

:36 Mena implodes (not literally, though, as that would be messy). "This has been the most stressful situation anyone could have pressed me into," she says in the confessional, fighting back tears. Of all the people I thought might implode, Mena was on the bottom.

:42 Guest judge: Kim Kardashian, who is a fashion expert... says Tyra.

:44 The judges love Miss Congeniality's video, which was very, um, congenial. Kim loves it, too, probably thinking, "I haven't been that comfortable on camera since... well, let's just forget about that."

:46 Widower admits she's severely dyslexic, and that words on the page seem like they are moving. And she still did a nice job on the commercial, which can only make Mena feel worse. If that's possible, that is.

:49 Mena's commercial looks like she's talking about genocide, not eye makeup. She is sniffling by the end of it. Let's just say it's not Cover Girl-esque.

:53 The judges deliberate, mocking the way Hot Fudge Sundae sounded like a used car salesmen. She could probably sell a Taurus easier than mascara.

:55 Miss Congeniality goes first, followed by Black Sheep, NC-17, Sundae, Widower...

:56 ... leaving Mommy and Mena. Tyra says Mommy doesn't stand out, and Mena signed up for American Pie 2. Mommy is going home, though, as Top Model never keeps girls once they feel there's no potential.

To discuss a blast from the past: Columbia House Music Club

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:26:00 +0000

Dear Columbia House Music:

You have to feel like IDIOTS. C'mon, don't try to look all naive and innocent.

You know what I'm talking about.

Remember your whole BMG/Columbia House Music Club? I was just reminded of it recently. What a sweet deal that was, back in the day. You'd sign up for the club (by mailing in a card, as the Internet was still in its 26k days, or nonexistent), and instantly get 12 free CDs/Tapes/Records/Music Boxes or whatever format was popular.

Then, oh then, all you had to do was buy a few more albums within two years, usually at a marked-up price, and you'd get to keep those 12 free albums! What a deal!

I could hardly resist it when I was 12 or 13, knowing I could get awesome CDs of Ace of Base, Mariah Carey and Monica (I feel you, Monica. Just one of 'dem days, that a girl goes th... oh, you're talking about PMS? Oh. That's awkward for me... uh...) for free if I could get my mom to pay for another five CDs at a price of $14.98 or more each, even though Wal-mart and every other store sold them for cheaper.

Some may say the whole deal was a scam and it's easier to withdraw troops from Iraq than it is to get out of the Columbia House Music Club, but hey, free CDs!

Have you ever seen a business model implode? Door-to-door milk delivery, Hummers during a gas price crisis, online groceries, newspapers (I kid, I kid)...

Columbia, when iTunes came around, did you physically poop your pants, or just metaphorically?

iTunes won't give me 12 free mp3 albums just for registering, but they also let me buy songs for .99 cents each, and albums song by song. Oh, and I get them right now, instead of waiting for them in the mail. And if I'm feeling particularly sneaky, I could just download stuff for free on bittorrent sites.

How did you miss the gravy train on this one? And how in the world do you still have your music club in business? Even bigger question: At what point did you say, "Eh, mp3 downloading is just a fad, what people really want is to order their music and have it mailed to them so they can keep up with membership commitments!"

Good job offering DVDs, at least... except that Netflix is raping you there, too.

Sincerely,
Former customer

P.S. Thanks again for that sweet Ace of Base, CD, though. It's All That (I) Want.

To discuss Fall Fest 2009: If Hallmark can do it, we can do it

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:30:00 +0000

It's hard to believe it's been year since Fall Fest 2008.

That might not mean much to you, but then again, you're probably the type of inconsiderate person who would force your son to hide in a cardboard box so you could create a media circus about an ill-fated balloon.

Fall Fest 2008 was the fabricated holiday Capricorn and I dreamed up last October, because there's nothing better than sticking it to Hallmark and creating a fake holiday they don't have covered.

This weekend, we celebrated Fall Fest 2009. Several similarities from last year, both planned and unplanned, occurred, including:

It was cold and raining, ruining any chance to enjoy the autumn foliage
We randomly heard System of a Down's "Chop Suey," which may now be the unofficial anthem of Fall Fest
I chose a pumpkin three times the size of Capricorn's, overly compensating for my gourd envy

Here's the photo recap:

We kicked off Fall Fest with a trip to an out-of-town Goodwill-- two, in fact-- as it seemed Fall Festian to check out random clothes of strangers, plus Capricorn loves Goodwill.

This wasn't for a costume. This was being sold with business suits. I assume this suit means, "Let's close this deal, or I'll blow your head off with my shotgun."

If I ever get to the point in which I need to buy second-hand underwear, well... call that guy who buys the camo business suit and tell him to shoot me right in the second-hand genitals.

After a consignment store discovery and lunch at a diner, which had both a nautical and a country theme, we stopped at a costume store.

Capricorn pointed out even the kiddie girl costumes are kind of slutty. I don't think it's anything worse than the stuff the girls on Toddlers and Tiaras wear... which is to say, yeah, it's slutty.

... which makes sense, because the adult girl costumes are SUPER slutty (there was even an "Adult Section" just for slutty costumes). I actually had a tough time figuring out which was the sluttiest of the Slutty McSluts. I know Halloween is an excuse for good Christian girls to fly their freak flag, but c'mon: What nurse wears garters? Is this part of Obama's health care plan? (Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.)

Disturbing: There was a grandma helping her teenage daughter pick one of these outfits. More disturbing: Little kids were walking around the aisles. Most disturbing: Some really fat chick will probably squeeze into one of these and not realize the transgression.

Then Capricorn tried on a mask. She gets an A for effort and a F for Freaking Me Out.

And I tried on a mask. Capricorn marveled at the creepiness. I enjoyed the Disney princesses.

And finally, we bought pumpkins and came back to the house to carve ~~children~~ jack 'o' lanterns, while watching Capricorn's scary movie choice (House of a 1,000 Corpses, starring Dwight from The Office), which, while gory, wasn't nearly as disturbing as our movie choice last year. We also watched my choice, Dawn of the Dead, which has the great scene when they start sniping zombies that look like celebrities.

Capricorn went for the ghost style pattern...

... And I went for the bat on a house. We bought a pumpkin carving kit designed for children, so fortunately we were able to make passable replicas of the designs. I always feel some pressure with pumpkin carving to not be outdone by a 7-year-old.

Sadly, even a year later, I still do the same goofy faces.... And that, friends, is the tale of Fall Fest 2009.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 'Petite Ninja Warriors'

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:18:00 +0000

Last week, the girls had the Benny Ninja challenge. Ashley, despite her dance background, wasn't good at dancing. That would be like me not being good at a writi... hey, forget I mentioned it. The girls also had a Cirque de Soleil photo shoot with Sundai, Brittany and Rae doing the best. (There was no recap last week because of a Tivo issue. I would rather blame the machine than myself.)

Now on to this week's Play by Play. Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley)
-----------------------
:05 The girls goof around with "Top Model: The Musical," as Mommy pretends to be The Widower, using a horrendous Southern accent. The Widower, who is all types of adorable, admits she's a small town girl, but wants people to know she's been out of her small town a bunch. I hope she's not counting the models' stop at Wal-mart a few weeks ago as "out of her small town."

:06 Lelly doesn't understand why Black Sheep does so well in the competition and yet "has no personality" and "sounds like a robot." Lelly, that's because the robot can take good pictures, and yours look the same every week. This isn't Miss America. If it was, one of the models would have told us by now about the virtues opposite marriage.

:07 Go-sees time. Bold prediction that comes true every season: One of the girls won't make it back in time. It's as if they don't watch previous seasons to realize that's a big deal. That'd be like forgetting the lyrics on "American Idol."

:08 A twist this year: The girls are split into pairs, and have to drive themselves to each go-see. I'm praying for a fender bender, but I don't think I'll be that lucky

:09 First go-see for NC-17 and Lelly is at a jewelry store. Lelly doesn't have pierced ears, "a disaster," says the owner, Neil Lane. Lelly must have seen the Full House when Stephanie pierces her own ears and gets an infection. I understand, Lelly. By the way, they are showing a ton of Lelly footage so far. That's usually an omen.

:11 Widower is at a TV commercial go-see. She says she can do a hood-rat accent. Evidently in Widower's hood, people talk like flamboyant Australians.

:13 Skyler Mattson, one of the TV commercial reps, said Lelly looked like a trainwreck with greasy hair. But enough about the positives, what about the negatives, Skyler?

:21 Hot Fudge Sundae and Mommy have only gone to two go-sees, and Sundae wants to fit another one in, while Mommy, being very Mommy-like, says there's no time and wants to drive back. Sundae overrules her, and it looks like we've found our "who's going to be late?" contestants.

:23 Annnnnddd I was right. Sean Patterson from Wilhelmina Model gives the pair a tongue-lashing. "I don't have the time to deal with you right now. I don't even want you in the room." He really hates models who are late. And I would, too. But it's not quite the same being late in a reality TV competition set up for someone to fail, right?

:25 Black Sheep wins, and is so happy to win a challenge after having an awful photo shoot last week. Of course, most of the other girls get jealous. Lelly and Hot Fudge Sundae both mock Black Sheep's monotone voice. Little do they know, the girls who make fun of other girls out of jealousy on Top Model are doomed to failure. Recent examples: Ashley and Lulu.

:32 Photoshoot time. The girls are dressed like (fashionable) ninja warriors and are suspended in the air with a wire harness. And who hasn't done that lately? I call that "Saturdays."

:36 Lelly is STILL making fun of Black Sheep's voice. Dear Lelly: You are the pot. Black Sheep is the kettle. Your voices are the black. Get it? And Lelly's photo shoot was awful, unless the objective is to look like you need to use the bathroom.

:38 Hot Fudge Sundae is struggling. It's hard, she says, to keep track of how the props look, keeping her face pretty, moving her limbs, finding a good pose... or, as some call it, "modeling."

:45 Judging time. The guest judge is Jessica White, who has been in Sports Illustrated seven times and looks like the black version of Megan Fox. Mena has great shots, possible Mena's best work since American Beauty, or at least since the second episode.

:52 Black Sheep gets the top photo, giving her a two-for-two week. After that, it's Widower and NC-17, who is wearing a top so low cut, Tyra says if she wore the same top, "it would be slightly pornographic." No, Tyra, it would be like your old Sports Illustrated photos. After that, it's Mena, Miss Congeniality and Mommy.

:55 That leaves Lelly and Hot Fudge Sundae in the bottom two, no surprise. And Lelly gets kicked off, despite having a fashionable face. Lelly says it was stupid to even audition for Top Model now that she didn't win. Lelly, don't you watch those "Top Model: Models in Action" segments each week? It doesn't matter if you win- you're all destined to a somewhat successful but not widely recognizable career.

To discuss hosting Christmas

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 12:00:00 +0000

In the years since my older sister, younger brother and I have graduated high school and college, we've been spread out, far away from our parents, who live near Pittsburgh.

At various times, one of us has lived in northern New York, eastern Pennsylvania, Maine, Maryland and Connecticut.

So, in recent years, we've had Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations at my brother's place, as he's the most centrally located by living in southcentral Pennsylvania. Now that I live in the same area, and yet closer to my sister and our aunt and cousin, it's been decided that Capricorn and I are hosting Christmas.

I've always wanted to host Christmas, perhaps hoping something National Lampoon-ey will happen and I'll get locked in an attic or light a cat on fire. It's all golden. Maybe I'll have Capricorn wear a revealing white blouse and grab my crotch while calling me Sparky.

While I think this will be a great time for Capricorn and I, there are potential pitfalls to hosting a family Christmas, if I am to believe holiday movies (and if I can't believe holiday movies, what am I to believe?). I take my job as Christmas host very seriously, so I thought I'd consider possible outcomes.

I will spend the next two months properly preparing for:

My brother becoming a pot-smoking hippie and secretly falling for Capricorn, while I fall for Capricorn's (nonexistent) sister who comes in from out-of-town. Capricorn will later star in a successful Sex and the City movie.
Getting shot in the eye by a BB gun, which will hopefully land me on Texts From Last Night: "(717): Shot my eye out with a BB gun. This is exact opposite of a money shot."
Misplacing my town's collective savings, curiously all placed in one envelope despite the proliferation of online banking and debit cards. This will later force me to spend Christmas hallucinating about never existing at all, leading to a Wild ARS Chase-less world. Tyra Banks cries at the thought of no one writing about her show anymore.
Cooking a Roast Beast, once I figure out where to buy one and if it causes swine flu.
Getting left behind by my family to fend off two hapless burglars who, rather than simply barge in the door and hold me at gunpoint, spend the better part of a magical two hours falling for my childish pranks. This will require me busting out my Micro Machines and a pet tarantula-- Bailey will have to do. I'll cap it off by using my neighbor to get me off the hook, but first I'll send him a Tweet: "@scaryneighbor Totally just busted burglars balls lol. Rescue me with shovel? C u in 5 #holidays #homeinvasion."
Throwing together an impromptu holiday musical performance for my retired army commander who now happens to run an inn with the lady who was on Sister Act. Capricorn and I will marvel at the lack of snow, unaware they have a whole TV channel dedicated to weather forecasts and an iPhone app for that.
Cooking a Christmas goose two times the size my boy, Tim, after my boss was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Guilt Trip.
Switching homes with Cameron Diaz, only to be forced to be hit on by Jack Black.

Am I preparing for enough? What am I missing?

To discuss a month in review: September

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:07:00 +0000

Took me longer than expect, but I finally got around to the September Month in Review. The delay might be because September went by quicker than Tara Reid's fame.

From now on, since this blog is more than a year-old (753 in human years), I'll give you a link to the Month in Review from this time last year. Here's September 2008.

Favorite movie: "I Love You, Man." Exactly what you'd expect from it, in a good way. Paul Rudd=Funny. The strange thing is, he was equally good in "Clueless," except the Judd Apatow mafia wasn't famous then, so Rudd only gets appreciated for doing his lovable, goofy shtick now. Speaking of which, is Alicia Silverstone still alive? Someone should call her just to make sure.

Runner-Up: "Adventureland" It was filmed in Pittsburgh's Kennywood Park (anyone from that area knows how sweet that is), and was genuinely funny even though it starred Kristen Stewart. Don't expect a "Knocked Up" or "Superbad" kind of funny, though. It's more of a dark funny.

Least favorite movie: "Sex and the Teenage Mind" Completely random movie I watched, and it could be one of the worst movies of all time. Consider: 1) Although it was shot this decade, I thought the whole time it was filmed in the 1990s because of the outfits and technology used by the characters, such as a corded telephones and big flannel shirts 2) The biggest stars are Winnie from Wonder Years, Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts and Al from Home Improvement. 3) It makes American Pie look like high art. I'm not even being facetious.
This was the only clip I could find. It just about sums it up.

Favorite song: "Make Her Say," Kid Cudi, Kanye West. It makes Lady Gaga sound relatable (and makes "Poker Face" have a whole new meaning). And it makes me forget about Lady Gaga bathing herself in blood on the MTV Video Music Awards, and about Kanye picking on a skinny white girl.

Runner-up: "Wasted," Gucci Mane. I've really been into gangsta rap lately, like I'm 16 again, or Natalie Portman. I listen to Hip Hop Nation on XM Radio all the time, pretending it's perfectly acceptable for me to listen along with a station that A) talks about the hard street life and B) uses the 'n' word in songs like I pepper "dude" into a conversation. I might as well be Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Consider these lyrics from "Wasted":
"Sippin on purple stuff, rolling up stanky/Waking up in the morning 10 a.m. dranking." It's practically Gershwin!

Least favorite song: "Gotta Feeling," Black Eyes Peas. I've gotta feeling they wrote the lyrics on a napkin one night and decided to throw it together into a song.

Best New TV Show (in honor of the fall season): Um, "Community," maybe? It's uneven, but I do love Ken Jeong as the Spanish teacher... I caught one episode of Modern Family and Cougar Town, and both made me laugh.

Worst New TV show: You'd think I'd say "Glee," considering what I wrote recently, but Glee isn't horrible- just not as good as it could be.* No, the worst new TV show is "Accidentally on Purpose", the CBS show starring Jenna "Fading Star" Elfman. I watch it because it's in between How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men. It's got a shoddy plot (what happens when she has the baby?), two annoying characters in the sister and the best friend, and is trying way too hard.

Best TV show I just discovered: Tie, "Entourage" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Took me long enough to get on board. At this rate, I'll be extolling the virtues of "L.A. Law" next month.

Best moment: Capricorn and I celebrating our one-year anniversary. A year goes by fast when you're with someone who makes the hours fleeting.

Worst moments: There are some things that aren't meant to be blogged, so I'll just say part of September was really rough. If my year was a Zack Braff movie, then part of September was that portion of his movies where he sits on the steps in the rain and stares.

Best decision: Judging by your reactions, probably keeping my sponsorship for my African son. But the real question is, how can I get someone to sponsor me?

Favorite Blog Post by Me: I love guest blogging, so nothing was more fun than giving male insight to Miss Tiff.

Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: Cavy had a very, very bad day. Delightfully, she decided to share it with us so we could ~~laugh and point~~commiserate with her.

Blogger of the Month:I didn't get to do enough blog reading in September. Not nearly enough. So I'll hold off, and hope October gets me back on track. Thanks for coming by Wild ARS, anyway.

* P.S. Yes, I do understand the show isn't supposed to be totally believable. But neither is The Office. The difference is, The Office knows that, and never tries to make you think this is an actual, functioning paper company. Glee doesn't know what kind of show it wants to be-- is the glee club the focus, or is it the school as a whole/is it spoofing high school, or is it emulating high school... I'll give it time to figure itself out. Fair enough?

To discuss reasons why Glee isn't all that and a bag of flamboyant singers

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

There are a few things you aren't allowed to bash within social media conversations:
1) Mental retardation
2) The Holocaust, unless it's an Anne Frank joke
3) Glee

I bashed Glee, the new Fox series about a high school glee club full of whores, losers and jocks, on a Tweet last week.

Almost immediately, some of my real-life friends defended the show, as if saying Glee is garbage is akin to saying Mother Theresa is a Slutty McSlutterson.

I'm all for people having their own opinion, but saying Glee is fantastic is just bewildering. Hey, I want this show to be good, but it's not.

Instead of letting Fox give you propaganda, I decided to write a counterargument. So, here are reasons why Glee is more overrated than winning American Idol.

It's unrealistic:

The show is based on the premise it is uncool to be in glee club. Considering the wild success of American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance and High School Musical, among others, are we really supposed to believe kids are still ostracized the same way now about singing in a glee club they would've been a few decades ago?
Cory Monteith, who plays high school senior Finn, is 27 years old in real life. Matthew Morrison, who plays Will, the glee club adviser, is just three years older. It's just one of many examples of the adults and students all looking like they are about the same age.
Finn is led to believe he knocked up his abstinent girlfriend, Quinn (Finn/Quinn as names is another reason, really), by sperm floating through hot tub water. So we're supposed to feel bad the guy is dealing with the thought of being a teenage dad, and yet skip over the fact he is gullible enough to believe he has super sperm?
The high school principal constantly says the school has no money, but the cheerleading team gets a massive budget, and they can decide to put on a full musical and hire a director on a whim.
Everyone in the glee club has quit at least once, and Will, the adviser, barely seems to make it to practice, and yet not only does the group still think they can win competitions, but they have perfect harmonies when they sing, despite barely rehearsing and having little background experience.

It lacks believability

The show producers decided to give the show a more polished feel, so the musical numbers-- the lifeblood of the show-- are lip synched. That's fine, but they are lip synched with all the accuracy and aplumb of Ashley Simpson on SNL. That gives it less of a "look at what these kids can do when they pull together" feel and more of a "look at what these studio singers can do after a few hours of sound mixing." Fox must think I'm Mr. Tuttle and the glee club is using a boombox underneath the risers*. (*Saved by the Bell reference. Please tell me you got it.)
At one point, the club sings Salt-n-Pepa's "Push It," complete with jaw-dropping pelvic thrusts, during a school assembly. If this ever actually happened, the adviser would get fired and all the kids would be suspended. If the most popular girl in school, Quinn, is saying she's a conservative Christian, then you'd have to think there's a big Bible Belt movement in the town, and they'd flip out knowing kids were singing "Push It." Even though the principal later gives them an approved list of songs to sing, they still practice whatever they want.
Although it was entertaining, the football team did the Beyonce "Single Ladies" dance during their game. While that could be overlooked, what can't be overlooked is that the producers evidently have no idea how football works. They would have had a bunch of delay of game/illegal motion penalties, and beyond that, this team is supposed to be horrible and they were only down 6-0 at the end of the game?
The glee club decides to hire another adviser on their own, and somehow raise thousands of dollars in a single car wash to do it. That's one nice school system that lets a club secretly hire their own adviser, especially a bigoted, sexist one.
Kristin Chenoweth was a guest star whose character was a former glee club star back when she and Will went to school; she since has become a slutty drunk. In perhaps the biggest aggravation of all, her character was allowed to: enroll in school to finish her degree (not night school. regular high school), give kids alcohol during the school day with little repercussion, and sleep with high school football players, all so the glee club could have a new leading lady that so obviously would not work out.

And there are weird story lines/production decisions

Finn and Rachel, the main Glee girl, are supposed to be in a "will they or won't they" thing, Finn and Quinn are dealing with her pregnancy, Will's wife is pretending she's pregnant, Will and teacher Emma like each other but can't do anything about it, Will is fighting cheerleading coach Jane Lynch for money and power, Will wants to start his own a capella group, one of the Glee kids is gay and has to tell his dad, one of the Glee kids is in a wheelchair... it goes on and on. And that's just a few episodes in. For great lengths of time, the glee club isn't even mentioned. In Friday Night Lights, they barely play football, but the storylines are good enough you don't mind. Here, it's like a car engine without oil. And the little musical vignettes of characters singing randomly don't cut it, especially with its one of the girls singing "Bust Your Window Out Your Car" after throwing a rock through the gay guy's windshield-- I haven't seen something that staged since Kanye West told us Beyonce had the best music video.
The funniest character, Jane Lynch's cheerleading coach, gets minimal screen time.
The role model for the kids, Will, has, thus far, quit on the club, almost cheated on his pregnant wife (he thought she was pregnant at the time), brought in a singing ringer in a move that, if I was a high schooler, would make me feel incredibly insecure, and generally paid very little regard to actually building up a glee club.
In moments that actually seem tender or sincere, the "bada bada bah" goofy a capella song snippets play to transition the scene, almost as if to say, "Hey, we almost got a little too realistic there." But, on the other hand, there are times when the show doesn't seem like it wants to be cartoonish and instead wants to show viewers, "High school is just like this!" It's High School Musical meets Dawson's Creek, except you want Dawson to murder everyone in the school.
Quinn always, always, always wears her cheerleading uniform.

So, there you go-- feel free to debate. I was just getting overwhelmed with all of these TV promos exalting the show as musical Jesus.

Tonight, there's a new episode. Watch if you want. But don't say I didn't warn you.

To discuss a Weekend Update: Civil War, Zombies and Homecoming

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 12:00:00 +0000

I would like to note I am writing this post while eating a Little Debbies snack cake. Long-time readers will appreciate that mention.

Anyway, here's a late Weekend Update, detailing a trip Capricorn and I took to Gettysburg and our other weekend activities.

The photo to the right was taken on top of Little Round Top. If you look close enough, you can see Rebel Flags being waved by Southerners hoping there's still a chance the Confederates can still make a big comeback and validate the flag on the back of their pick-up.* (* You looked, didn't you? Bet you're from the South.)
------------------------------------------

When the Union soldiers dug in on Cemetery Hill to fend off the Confederate advance, I wonder if they realized they were helping protect the land for future generations, so we could put a Shell gas station nearby.

Capricorn, a South Carolina native, was more than slightly disappointed there weren't any major Confederate statues. I told her that's what happens when you lose. She did enjoy, however, discovering this random Native American statue amid all the Union soldier statues... Or, as she shouted out the window, "Injuns!"

I never realized Colonel Sanders fought at Gettysburg. Luckily, this KFC has been erected to commemorate the now infamous Battle of Little Chicken Wing.

What's the Over/under per year on drunk Gettysburg College students taking photos of a cannon in front of their crotch/having sex on the battlefield/reenacting battle scenes using Nerf guns? 25? 50? 1,000?
It's a strange feeling to know you are standing on land that generations ago was the site of massive casualties and horror. The closest thing my generation can relate to is watching massive career casualties and horror on the Real World/Road Rules challenges.
After our brief tour, we stopped at a TGIF for dinner. And by stopped, I mean "was told there was an hour-long wait so we went to Ruby Tuesday's." Is there a reason those types of restaurants aren't just made bigger, or is there a psychological advantage to make dozens of people sit outside listening to light rock for 45 minutes before they can eat? Does Michael McDonald help the steak taste better?
It was high school homecoming time in Gettysburg, we think. Four out of five slightly slutty dresses indicated so. It made me wax nostalgic about my high school homecomings, all the nervousness about asking a girl to the dance, getting the corsage, stealing my dad's tie, pretending I had any clue how to dance. There's nothing like high school to make you feel like you will die alone.
Next, it was on to the movies in a building that resembled a failed beach house. We saw "Zombieland." I highly recommend it, based on three things:

It nicely combined zombie gore with developing the human element to the story. I'm a zombie movie lover--"28 Days Later" and "Night of the Living Dead"-- so I know my zombies.
Woody Harrelson says funny things like "God bless rednecks."
They play a Ghostbusters clip.

Capricorn told me to stop jumping at scary parts. So, evidently, out of the two of us, I'm the one who needs coddled and told everything is going to be OK.
To accomplish this night out on the town, we had to drop off our chihuahuas at her parents' house. As her dad later put it, we basically dropped off the grandkids. This must be how it starts. I bet you Jon and Kate started with chihuahuas and then went on to children and then went on to... Capricorn, we can't drop off the chihuahuas anymore!
On Sunday, her family and I went bowling. If you ever want to see a failing business model, check out a bowling center that hasn't been built and/or renovated recently. It'll remind you of the days of Trapper Keepers, Nancy Drew and slap bracelets. We all love those things, but not enough to use them anymore (Though I'd love to find a reason to use a Trapper Keeper). Same with older bowling centers-- the graphic for someone getting a strike shouldn't remind me of clip art from an Apple IIE. And the interface for the bowling scorecard shouldn't resemble the pixelated quality of Oregon Trail. If bowling centers were a cell phone, they'd be Zack Morris'. At least some new ones get it-- the one I usually use plays music videos on drop-down screens, so I can listen to Miley Cyrus and get out the ensuing anger out all at once.
I wanted to write this post Sunday night at halftime of the football game, as the Pittsburgh Steelers were up 28-0 and cruising to victory. But they decided to start their now-regular second-half sucking, and like a train wreck or Heidi Montag, I couldn't look away. At least they won. It makes it easier to swallow the fact on the same day, the Pirates finished their season with 99 losses.
Insert "easier to swallow" joke here, LBluca and Haute Pocket.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 Ep. 5

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 12:47:00 +0000

It's the Tyra photo shoot on "America's Next Top Model." Time for Tyra to remind us that she's the best photographer ever. Let's jump into the TV Play by Play. Here's last week's recap, if you missed it.

And here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Lady Luck (Ashley), Mena (Erin), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel), Spirit Fingers (Courtney) and The L Word (LuLu) (Interviews with all these girls over at Real Blogger)

---------------------------

:03 "My boob's about to pop out," Lelly says while looking at her winning photo on the wall. I thought the same thing! It was like Beyonce's magical, stay-in-place cleavage on her MTV Video Music Awards performance.

:05 Tyra mail still comes in paper form. After 13 cycles, you'd think she'd send it on e-mail or Twitter.

:06 The girls learn how to do smoky eye makeup from professional makeup guy Sam Fine. He does The Widower's one eye, and she looks like she got in a street fight. Sexy.

:07 This has to be the only reason Nigel has ever had to go to Wal-mart ... The challenge: Run around Wal-mart on fake go-sees. Hey, maybe they'll see people like this. Anyway, there are four stations the girls have to stop at: clothes, shoes, make-up, ~~hunting gear~~ and photo, with fewer items than girls at each station. Like musical chairs, except its musical models.

:10 I haven't seen this much exposed underwear... since the last time I was at Wal-mart.

:16 The girls pushed, pulled and cheated their way to the finish line- Mena, Pouty McPouterson, and Hot Fudge Sundae make it, with Lady Luck losing out after Mena hid her photo. Mena made no apologies for it-- I like it. Hot Fudge Sundae wins, earning a $1,000 Wal-mart gift card, the best prize so far this season, by far.

:22 It's time for the photo challenge. Tyra is the photographer, which is Tyra's favorite part of Tyra's show (If you weren't sure of that, look at the episode title). The focus is on beauty modeling, which Tyra says "is all about the face." To me, it looks like doing a bunch of sexy Facebook profile photos.

:25 A twist: Tyra will pick a top photo at the end of the shoot, instead of waiting for judging. Someone will get immunity ASAP. Or, as its known in reality competitions, "taking all the mystery out of the episode."

:28 The girls all are wearing head scarves. NC-17 has to wear hers over her face. For her, it's for artistic effect. For me, that would just mean they are trying to hide my face. The scarves idea is genius. I mean, nobody's ever, ever done a photo shoot with silk scarves before. Except for a lot of people.

:33 After each shoot finishes, Tyra rehashes each girl's performance, wearing the scarf and saying weird things. I'll let this photo speak for itself.

:35 NC-17 wins ANOTHER challenge, getting immunity for the week. She's the Lebron James of Cycle 13, except she has yet to nab her own Sprite commercial. As a reward, she gets an extra photo shoot for tyrabanks.com with two male models Tyra "discovered." Tyra makes a joke about the girls probably wanting to jump the guys because they haven't been around a man for so long. Well, technically, they've been around Miss J and Jay Manuel, but, well...

:43 Judging time, with guest judge China Chow. As noted, NC-17 has the top shot and walks up to get her photo. Miraculously, she doesn't keel over after Tyra congratulates her, what with all the daggers shot into her back by jealous girls behind her.

:46 Widower gets mocked for her crazy, striped, romper with midriff outfit, made by her grandma, Wanda Sue. Miss J can't get enough of Widower talking about her country roots. Me too, Miss J, me too. Widower cracks me up.:52 After NC-17, it's Miss Congeniality, Mommy, Black Sheep, Mena (who I thought was going home because they kept showing her so much earlier on), Widower, Hot Fudge Sundae and Lelly.

:56 That leaves Lady Luck and Pouty. Tyra says Pouty's face is too hard in photo, and that Lady Luck was the most difficult to shoot... but Lady Luck gets to stay, as Pouty's lucky streak of evading the bottom two runs out.

To discuss prepubescent hijinx, and other news

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 12:30:00 +0000

Capricorn works in a pharmacy. Earlier this month, a trio of boys came into into her store. All three are probably middle school age, with one boy clearly waiting to hit his growth spurt as he was the runt of the group.

The runt walks up to Capricorn's counter and slaps a package of magnum-size condoms in front of her. He smirks, and looks at her.

"'Cause I'm a G," the runt says.

He then somewhat tosses a five-dollar bill at her, like Diddy in a Biggie Smalls video. The runt's friends laughed behind him. You get the sense the only thing extra-large about him is his perception of himself.

I love that story.

Anyway, onto the news of the day:

One of my original readers, Miss Tiff, who has come back to blogging after an extended hiatus, invited me to write a guest post today. With all the womens' magazine reading I've been doing lately, the blog topic was an easy one. Stop over and tell her I sent you- I think if I send enough people over, I get frequent flier miles or something.

To discuss a Maxim review: October 2009

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:00:00 +0000

It's been a few months since the last Maxim or Cosmo review, after taking time off to focus on We Are Cosmo. But, once I got the October edition of Maxim in the mail, I knew it was time to revive what is one of the guilty pleasures for Wild ARS Chase readers. Why? Look who's on the cover. It's a gold mine.

So here's the October 2009 review. As always, there's links to some of the sexytime photos so I could make this post relatively safe for work, and, again, go to confession or whatever you usually do after reading naughty goodness:

Audrine Partridge is not not attractive, in the best use of a double-negative possible. She is in shape. She has long, wavy hair. She's got nice skin. And her boobs could milk multiple babies at once, a veritable boob trough. But... but... there's just something about her that makes me not want to fantasize about her. Ever. It might be the dead look in her eyes. It steals souls.
Audrina is doing whatever it takes to convince me she is sexy. On the Contents page, she's wearing shear panties with a sports car behind her and a hose spouting water between her V-shaped legs. Funny- I figured she'd melt in water.
Potentially awesome site: Koogle.co.Il It's a search site designed for Orthodox Jews so they can't "accidentally" stumble upon photos of immodestly-dressed women. Just like I used to "accidentally" stumble upon those same photos as a 13-year-old boy. I stand by my story, mom. Celebrity who by default will have no photos available through Koogle: Megan Fox. (note: I had trouble getting the site to work. Perhaps because I'm Presbyterian)
Celebrity women must be terrified to go on the beach. Every inch of them is analyzed for perfection. For example: Maxim's Celebrity Beach Watch: 15 Hottest Bods, which is just a haphazard, random assortment of 15 women who happened to not have PMS bloating and did a few extra crunches the day paparazzi caught them seaside. I'm guessing the girls have nervous breakdowns just thinking about the ocean. Unless you're Jennifer Love Hewitt, and then you just say, screw what you think, I was in "Can't Hardly Wait."
Women behinds bars: Maxim has a monthly feature with a bartender babe dispensing advice. Except the advice is almost always: "Just be confident and nice, and don't use dumb pick-up lines." That'd be great, if not for the fact women go home with the douche toolbag who compared her pants to a mirror.
A great line by "Jennifer's Body" director Karyn Kusama, on watching her Megan-Fox led movie: "I hope it's a little bit more of a complicated experience than just giving guys boners." From what I've heard about the movie... well, at least it's got Megan Fox.
Maxim recommends some new TV shows debuting this fall: Among them: Glee. I'm sure a lot of Maxim readers are into a show about glee club. Now, I watch the show, but I also read Cosmo. Side note: Glee is overrated, unrealistic and lacks focus.
Unexpected awesome photo: "So You Think You Can Dance" host Cat Deeley in a leather one-piece. Unexpected non-awesome related Google search: Maxim evidently ripped off the photo from a cover shoot last year for the international magazine, Arena. Maxim used the same, year-old photo, but flipped it around.
Sex section: 'Today's Special: Your Waitress': Tips on how to sleep with a waitress. Advice includes things like don't excessively compliment or give huge tips. I'd try telling them to wear more flair, or not mentioning how you like the word "manure."
Cover girl Audrina Patridge, "star" of slasher flick "Sorority Row": First thing- Audrina's boobs don't move. They have the same shape whether she's upright or bent over. Second thing: Her boobs are still more lifelike than Heidi's, which is like saying a zombie is more alive than a vampire. Third thing- She's got the same expression in every photo, an expression of "come hither/look I'm being sexy/is this going to be in a magazine like you promised, sir, because last time wasn't cool."
Audrina, on her upcoming reality show, "The Audrina Show": "It's, like, real." Not sure what's left to be said.
"The 13 Most Unintentionally Scary Movies Scenes of All Time." Entries include the baby coming out of Katie Heigl's vagina in "Knocked Up" and Kathy Bates' nude scene in "About Schmidt." Omitted: Seth Rogen's character having sex in Knocked Up.
"Vampire Diaries" star Kayla Ewell is in six-inch heels, bejeweled panties, no bra and chewing on a piece of hay: Who hasn't been in that situation before? Maxim upholds its journalistic integrity once again.
"Liquid Trust" ad for a scientifically-formulated (in some dude's basement) trust potion: Great, all we need are a bunch of lonely lunatics thinking they can convince a girl to trust them. "Get in my windowless van, it'll be safe in there, trust me. Oh, and drink this real quick."

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13: 'Make Me Tall'

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 11:30:00 +0000

After two girls got kicked off last week, there's no telling what will happen this week on "America's Next Top Model." Well, other than Tyra doing something weird. Let's jump into the TV Play by Play. Here's last week's recap, if you missed it.

And here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Lady Luck (Ashley), Mena (Erin), The L Word (LuLu), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney)

--------------------------------

:05 Pouty McPouterson thinks she needs to work on her face this week. Maybe she missed the part when the judges said she looked like a dude. I think she's got more to worry about than smiling with her eyes.

:06 Ah! Now I know. Lady Luck looks like Rosario Dawson.

:07 9-year-old Diva Davanna, who's assisted runway coach Miss J today, is already a runway veteran. That's supposed to be a good thing, not a frightening thing. Check out her Web site, and then pray any of the girls learn to walk like she does in this video. And that Diva doesn't beat up your kid.

:09 The girls do runway walks for Miss J. As foretold by 12 cycles of Top Model before them, they all walk like they are either waiting to use the bathroom or auditioning for a Lady Gaga video ... I wonder when Miss J started learning she could do runway. Birth? Did she do a few fierce first steps?

:12 Hot Fudge Sundae starts some drama by telling Pouty that Spirit Fingers (kicked off last week) wasn't really her friend and talked behind her back with Pouty's supposed other friend, The L Word. Spirit Fingers told me herself on Real Blogger she liked Bianca and was good friends with her. Not sure who to believe, but Pouty believes it and shuts down emotionally. I think this was the plot to "90210" last week.

:19 Challenge time. The girls have to walk the runway alongside a model 5'10 or taller. This is going to be like watching a middle school dance, with the Top Model contestants serving as the pre-pubescent boys.

:22 I wonder if L Word knows you can't have a signature walk before you have a signature on a fashion show paycheck.

:23 "My first runway walk was so much better than walking down the frozen food aisle," The Widower said. Not much to say after that.

:25 NC-17 wins the challenge (and deserved to). She'll get a spread in Playboy. Or was it Seventeen? Yeah, it's Seventeen. Sorry. Wrong reality show.

:27 Pouty has an honest conversation with Black Sheep, saying she's still getting over an abusive relationship. Lady Luck and L Word, being the mature ones, scoff at the thought of Pouty being nice and innocent. They are basing this on all the long, in-depth conversations they've h... oh, they didn't have that with Pouty? They're just conjecturing and assuming? Not on Top Model!

:33 Photo shoot time. The girls are basically on a construction site using ropes and scaffolding to make themselves look tall and elongated, the theme of the day. L Word does the worst she's done so far, photo director Jay Manuel says. So how do you really feel, Jay?

:37 Jay tells Pouty to use soft expressions. Pouty obliges by doing her "I'm going to RIP YOUR HEAD OFF" faces during the shoot. And then Jay tells Pouty to think of something she loves (Jesus), and she's all better. Jesus, as it turns out, is the key to good modeling. And salvation.

:45 Judging time. The guest judge is "supermodel" Jaime Rishar. I say "supermodel," because it used to be the word was only used for the best of the best- Cindy, Naomi, Linda, Christy. Now, anyone who has modeled and appeared on TV or print seems to get that title. Maybe I'll call myself a superblogger.

:48 Some girls do a nice job looking taller- Hot Fudge Sundae, Mena and Black Sheep. Some must have thought that by "elongated," Jay Manuel meant "eshortgated"- NC-17 and Mommy. An impressed Tyra tells Black Sheep she doesn't look 5'6 in her photo- she "looks 5'13." I thought she looked 6'1, but who am I to judge?

:56 Top photo this week: Lelly, followed by Black Sheep, Mena, Hot Fudge Sundae, Miss Congeniality, Pouty, Widower, Lady Luck and Mommy... which leaves ...

:58 ... L Word and ... NC-17 (really? really??). L Word can't take a good photograph, and NC-17 couldn't look tall. L Word gets kicked off, which might make all of her "I have a better walk/take a better photo than the other girls" comments seem a bit premature. Just a bit.
.

To discuss my son, and how I can't get rid of him

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 12:00:00 +0000

I have a son.

Now, sure, some might say he's not a "blood relation," that he "lives in Zambia," or that he's "my sponsor child."

But those are just words, really.

As far as I'm concerned, Davison has always been my son. I even have his photo on my fridge, a space I normally reserve for Dominos, Post-it notes and Post-it notes reminding me how much I eat pizza so I feel guilty.* (* Not true. You can never eat too much pizza).

Davison is 9. He lives with his parents and three siblings in a concrete block house probably the size of my bedroom, without electricity or indoor plumbing or Tivo. He's from Zambia, which I'd point out to you on a map of Africa if ninth-grade geography and years of American ethnocentrism hadn't screwed me.

His family monthly income is $46, which is about how much I spent at Olive Garden last weekend.**

And here's the thing: I can't see a possible scenario in which I can stop sponsoring Davison.

Now, it's not like I need or want to cut him off right this second. But there have been many times in the four or so years I've been sponsoring D-dawg that I thought,"Good God, I can't afford a freakin' snack cake, and yet I'm sending $22 a month to a boy on the other side of the world."

As some of you might have experienced, it's like when they ask for donations at church, and you wonder when they will set up a charity in your honor.

Four years worth of $22 a month works out to be about $1,000. Being that I'm a journalist, $1,000 is the equivalent of about 10 years' worth of salary*** (*** Exaggerated for effect.)

But, in Zambia, that's enough each month to help feed a family, to help ol' D go to school, get medication, update his Facebook status, and to get clothing, although hopefully nothing that was soooo last fall.

No matter how hard it may be here from time to time, it's much tougher there. I don't even need a Sarah McLachlan song to play for me to know that.

And that, my friends, is how I'll likely end up Davison's sponsor until he's an adult. Or has become a dad. Or has moved to America to be on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

Really, there's no way out, and I think Children International knows it. It's quite the racket: Once you start sponsoring a kid, you can't ever stop.

It's not like you can write them a letter saying, "Hey, I know you were counting on my money to help you eat and all, but dang it if Verizon didn't offer me an Internet upgrade for my cell. Now I can Google 'Megan Fox' while watching a movie with Megan Fox! C'mon, Davison, it's Megan Fox! Transformers! You know! Wait, you don't know? ... You don't have a movie theater around you? ... There's not a flat screen to be found? ... Well, surely you just jump on Firefox and... not that either? How do all the teenage boys spend their time, then, if they can't sneakily look up dirty photos? ... They what?!?"

So, Davison, I guess we're in this for the long haul. I pray that although Children International says you are 4-foot-2, you are actually 6-foot-11 and a basketball prodigy who will remember your pops when you sign your first pro contract.

But if you don't, I guess I'll be satisfied knowing I helped keep you healthy all these years. I am keeping you healthy, right? You're not just stuffing this money under your sleeping mat so you can save up for rims, are you?

If you do, I won't blame you. Just e-mail me the pho ... I mean, just keep sending those crayon-colored drawings. They look nice on my fridge.
---------------------------

** That was for a one-year anniversary dinner with Capricorn. Happy anniversary, babe. It's been one year since this happened. Thank you for not ending up like this girl and instead becoming the love of my life.

To discuss Emmy commentary

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:00:00 +0000

In what has become a Wild ARS tradition, I made a running commentary on a major awards show, with Capricorn there to offer her own sarcastic insight. Here's what we thought of the Emmy's, hosted by Doogie Howser:

Two minutes in, and Neil Patrick Harris is already better than 90 percent of past presenters. But it will be hard not to think of him as "How I Met Your Mother's" Barney. As in, he tux-suited up tonight, and he's going to give a girl Emmy-thing she wants all night. High five!
"Ugly Betty" is still on?
I've finally seen "Entourage." Thoroughly enjoyable. But my perspective is distorted by the veritable bevy of near or totally naked chicks on that show. I'd probably say similarly impressed with "Antique Road Show" if they offered the same thing.
Kristen Chenoweth took a Lady Gaga pill by wearing those glasses. Oh wait, so did Amy Poehler... Sweet Jesus what is going on with the eye gear? As the camera finally goes to Vanessa Williams (who does not participate in the eyeglasses gag) Capricorn comments Vanessa is looking "old as ****." I guess they saved the oldest for last, eh Vanessa?
30 Rock is going to win a lot tonight, isn't it? This is like rooting for the Yankees. I don't think I can condone it, even thought I like 30 Rock. I will instead pledge my allegiance to shows I've never seen. Except Monk. Nobody wants to root for that.
Nobody looks happy for Jon Cryer winning best supporting actor. Capricorn to losing actors: "Screw you. No wonder you lost."
Justin Timberlake appears to have a dating-Britney-era Jheri curl.
Can people win Emmys if no one sees their show? Example: Toni Collette, "United States of Tara."
Blake Lively must have thought there was a "Plunging Neckline" category.
If you would've watched TRL about eight years ago, would you have thought, "Hey, Justin Timberlake is going to win an Emmy?
Tony Shaloub gets nominated EVERY YEAR! WHO IN GOD NAME WATCHES MONK!
They should put in D-list celebs for the trophy girls. Wouldn't it more enjoyable to watch Khloe Kardashian, Real Housewives' NeNe and Heidi Montag hand out awards? Anything could happen.
Jeff Probst, host of "Survivor: Exotic Places Probably Near a Wal-mart," wins in the first year the reality show host category is offered. "So You Think You Can Dance" host Cat Deeley, who I think should have won, isn't even nominated. Where is Kanye when I need him?... Well, other than trying to make a music video award seem important?
Not nominated for Best Reality Show: "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here".... After "Amazing Race" wins, Capricorn: "This is like it's supposed to be the Emmy's from eight years ago."
Shoreh Aghdashloo won best supporting actress in a miniseries/movie for "House of Saddam." Capricorn knows her from her work on "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II," which, for some reason, has not garnered the same awards attention.
I love the "random movie/show the presenters were on" intro bits. It's like a treasure trove of trivia. Who knew so many stars did afterschool specials about sex? Actually, can we have top stars do those same afterschool specials now? Wouldn't teens watch a "dangers of premarital sex" special starring Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus?
Society tells me Jennifer Love Hewitt is yesterday's "it" girl. I refuse to believe it.
Dr. Horrible appearance! Why is this not a regular series? How can we have Rock of Love Bus, and no Dr. Horrible? If you have no idea what "Dr. Horrible" is and you think I'm just making references to a Spiderman character, please Google it now and come back when you're done.
There are all these Emmy-nominated miniseries around, and yet, when I'm looking for something to watch on a Saturday afternoon, all I can find are "Property Virgins" and "Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami."
Bruce Gowers of "American Idol," you may have won an Emmy for best director, but based on what I've seen of your show, you would have put a commercial in right before your name was announced, again when you took the stage, and then another one in the middle of your speech.
Kinda surprised "Motherlover" didn't win best original music & lyrics. Also upset "Muppet Family Christmas" didn't win. The guys who wrote the Academy Awards opening number won. Fair enough- here's what I wrote about it then: "Hugh opens the show with a musical montage that at one point, I think, dabbles in a reproduction of a Missy Elliott video. "What the F is he doing?" Capricorn asks. Hugh says "It's OK to be gay," as a comment on "Milk," or perhaps as self-encouragement. "
Sure, LL Cool J has a new NCIS or CSI or some crime show spinoff coming, but when I think of LL and TV, I think of "In The House," the redheaded stepchild to "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."
Oh, crap! It's Sarah McLachlan! She isn't going to be singing about adopting abused kittens and puppies again, is she? I can't take it. Oh. Phew. It's just dead actors. Only slightly less depressing.
I now associate Sarah McLachlan with abused puppies and dead Michael Jackson. Can't wait to see what she does next. "Sweet Surrender" for a prisoner of war montage?
Not surprised "30 Rock" won, but again, it's like the Yankees. Or, to put it in non-sports, celebrity terms, it's like rooting for Megan Fox. But only if Megan Fox was witty, well-spoken, funny and, you know, could act.
I didn't even need to hear Sigourney announce "Mad Men" as winners of best drama series. I hadn't seen an upcoming announcement this obvious since Adam Lambert said he was gay.

Did I miss anything? Cause that was lengthy.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13: Fortress of Fierceness

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 13:27:00 +0000

This third episode of America's Next Top Model should be a doozy. Why? Partly because I like the word doozy, and partly because two girls are getting kicked off. Let's jump into the TV Play by Play. Here's last week's episode, the two-part season premiere, if you missed it.

And here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Lady Luck (Ashley), Spirit Fingers (Courtney), Mena (Erin), The L Word (LuLu), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca)
Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa)

:06 The girls are taken to Wilhemina Modeling to interview with president, Sean Patterson, and Nigel Barker, the Top Model judge/photographer. And, once again, a girl gets caught looking foolish- The L Word says she loves fashion... then can't name one fashion photographer. This would be like me saying I love the NFL, but I can't name a team.
:15 In a surprise move, Nigel and Sean say a girl is getting kicked off right now for not being Wilhemina material.... and it's Headlights, who was "boring." She couldn't come up with one song to sing when Nigel asked her to show something from her musical theater experience. I would have rocked that part! "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and fierce!"
:18 Top Model jumped the boat that jumped the shark. As the girls are getting fake-ripped on by a photographer, Tyra, dressed in a trench coat like a supermodel pedophile, swoops in to say she can be a good model. The photographer doubts her, so Tyra gets angry and eats babies. Well, at least, she might as well have. She ripped off her coat to reveal a black-and-silver leotard and cape. Her superpower is her Smize, or Smiles with My Eyes. It's like she's the reject student at Professor Xavier's X-men academy.
:20 Tyra gives individual Smize lessons, telling the girls to internally think of something that make them smile. NC-17 says "cats," so Tyra, wrapping her arms around Brittany, says let's touch your cat. "Oh, that sounds a little gross," Tyra quicky says. Yes, Tyra. Yes, it does.
:20 Miss Congeniality, with her lazy eye, is worried about smiling with her eyes. It's a little hard to smile with your eyes when one looks like it's frowning. Black Sheep, on the other hand, never smiles at all, so asking her to smile with her eyes is like asking Heidi Montag to sing the national anthem. You're screwed before you even start.
:21 Top Model jumped the ocean than the boat landed in. The girls, getting ready for an eye-smiling photo challenge, are dressed up like Oompa Loompas in a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory sequel.
:22 Check that. They look like ninjas in a gay pride parade.
:25 The winning team from the challenge get dinner with the Wilhemina Modeling president. The losing team gets to wash dishes... Eh, good practice- those that don't cut it as models will end up doing this anyway, right?
:31 Nude shoot, third episode into the season. But not just any nude shoot. They are shooting nude, on top of a horse, with a jockey. "Is that a riding crop, or are you happy to pose with me naked?"
:34 The Widower says she's thrilled because she owns a horse, and she loves nudity. I sense a new sport: nude horse racing. You can bet on Win, Place, Show and Nipple.
:37 Photo director Jay Manuel: "If I think back to someone like Isis (Cycle 11), who was transgender, she looked a lot more feminine than Pouty McPouterson did today." Your Cycle 13 Top Models!
:44 Lauren Conrad is the guest judge. Her qualifications, according to Tyra: She's a super-duper huge reality star, and a clothing designer...This would be an accurate assessment of, say, Christian from Project Runway, but LC? Qualifications: Former star of a show critically panned for vapid personalities and scripted "reality." Not as famous anymore as Heidi. Kinda hot, sometimes, in certain photos.
:48 Tyra said Pouty's face in her photo looks like a "Who farted?" Pouty's having a really good week so far!

:54 Why do I expect Spencer Pratt to jump out during judging and tell everyone he hates LC?
:55 Mena gets top photo, followed by NC-17, The Widower, Black Sheep, Lelly, Miss Congeniality, Hot Fudge Sundae, Mommy, The L Word, Lady Luck, which leaves a bottom two of...
:57 Spirit Fingers and Pouty... and, uh, Spirit Fingers is going home? Not the girl who looks more like a man than a transgender and made a fart face? Top Model really doesn't like girls who give up-- Spirit Fingers lost her rah-rah-rah when she got frustrated in her shoot and said she stopped caring. She would have been better off making a fart face.

To discuss the MTV Video Music Awards

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 17:30:00 +0000

You might say, Andy, the MTV Video Music Awards were on Sunday. This is Wednesday. You have no sense of timing. (Ed. note: Why aren't they called the MTV Music Video Awards? Why the flip-flop?)

I'd say to you, MTV is continuing its tradition of replaying its major shows again and again until everyone has seen them twice, so, in fact, the awards show was last night. And this morning. So, actually, where is YOUR post? Hmmm?

Observations:

Madonna is jacked no one respected Michael Jackson in his later years, saying we abandoned him in his time of need. What she's really mad about is that she didn't get a chance to adopt him.
That Michael Jackson opening dance sequence was one of the best I've ever seen MTV do for an award show, and that was before Janet came out. You know you're doing good when Beyonce's mouth is agape the whole time in excitement. She hasn't been this excited since she, Kelly and Michelle made a "group decision" to go solo.
I had heard about Kanye's tirade before seeing the show. It was more egregious than I thought. Taylor Swift, giving her acceptance speech for Best Female Video, looked like she might cry when Kanye told the audience Beyonce had the best video. Beyonce's mouth was agape again. She hadn't been this upset since Kelly and Michelle wanted to put Destiny's Child back together.
Part of me wished Kanye ended his tirade by saying, "MTV doesn't care about black people," just to see if he could get Taylor to make that Mike Myers state of disbelief face.
I am not familiar with the work of most of the presenters tonight. Good God, what's happened to me?
Taylor, just nine minutes after being publicly embarrassed like a girl getting stood up at prom, does a live performance of "You Belong to Me." In all honesty, it's one of the best live performances I've seen at an awards show, for a variety of reasons: 1) You know her head was swirling at that point 2) She had to get on a subway, dance and sing her way through the train and then run up stairs to jump on top of a taxi without missing a beat 3) It's hard not to like her 4) Her crazy cat eyes have mind control powers
Russell Brand's sense of humor boils down to "I'm British, and I'll have sex with anything."
Lady Gaga has lost her damn mind. But she knows how to perform and how to look slightly transsexual at the same time.
There was a Nelly Furtado sighting. I heard she used to be one of the most popular singers in the world-- until MTV decided it was over her. (Lady Gaga, take note)
There was a Jennifer Lopez sighting. I heard she used to be one of the most popular performers in the world-- until MTV decided it was over her (Beyonce, take note)
There was a Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart sighting. I heard MTV just made happy in its pants.
Green Day won an award, and performed. There was a time I liked Green Day, a time when "Basket Case" and "When I Come Around" were popular. That fondness has slowly disintegrated into a mild disdain as Green Day got more popular with teenagers who thought "American Idiot" was Green Day's first album. Must be how some adults feel about kids playing Beatles Rock Band on XBox.
If I get arrested and sent to prison, I'm a disgrace to my family and to my friends. If T.I. gets arrested and sent to prison, Diddy and MTV commend him with an award and act like he's at grandma's house for a few months, soon to return.
Lady Gaga accepted an award looking like she got stuck in a JoAnn Fabrics during a hurricane.
MTV still plays music videos? That's the biggest surprise since I heard Patrick Swayze* died just last week, and not months ago. (*Too soon? Eh, RIP Pat. Road House was excellent.)
They used to have this show on MTV called TRL, when they played the Top 10 music videos of the day. How can there be the top videos of the year, when I don't have a way of knowing what's the top video of the day?
They kept panning to Katy Perry, like they were hoping for a nip slip
In a strange way, I was pining for the days when a boy band with a good dance sequence dominated music videos. "I want it thaaaat way."
In a not-strange way, I was pining for the days when I wasn't older than 7/8 of the fans in the audience.
Beyonce wins Video of the Year. She should have also won an award for boob tape of the year, because there is no way she shouldn't have had a wardrobe malfunction at some point. Nice job by her for bringing Taylor Swift up. I got a little misty-eyed... but that might have just been an allergic reaction from seeing Lady Gaga's Hostess Snowball headpiece.

To discuss things I learned about the NFL

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 11:00:00 +0000

Sunday marked the first full day of NFL games this season. Like all holidays, I think it's important we revel in it and think of the lessons we learned:

We learned:

Being in a fantasy league increases your interest in football a phenomenal amount. Now, beyond my hometown Steelers, I have a reason to be interested in a Broncos-Bengals game that even their mothers turned off to watch Sex and the City reruns. If I developed a fantasy church league, I bet I could increase membership tenfold. "I've got the pastor at the Presbyterian church on my team- I need to see how he's preaching today."
No one cares about your fantasy team other than you, no matter how many times you tell your girlfriend you've got Drew Brees as your quarterback and he threw for six touchdowns today and you'd like to name your firstborn Brees if it's alright with her, unless Drew gets hurt next week, and then we'll just name the kid Spartacus as planned.
Brett Favre is a douche bag, no matter the team he plays for. He may "play the game with the passion of a kid," as announcers say, but he still "is a waffling, backstabbing, tool."
Fox Sports appreciates cheerleader close-up cams more than CBS.
The only thing more juiced than players on Sundays are the cheerleaders. I'd like to see before and after photos of "pre-NFL cheerleader" to "current NFL cheerleader." I imagine it's like "She's All That," except there's no Freddie Prinze Jr., and Rachel Leigh Cook gets lipo'd and injected within an inch of her life. And she wears whore red lipstick.
The Ravens, Saints, Vikings and Eagles are really good.
The Lions might not win before the second coming of Christ.
Donovan McNabb, my fantasy quarterback in my other league, had a great day: two passing touchdowns, one rushing touchdown, and one fractured rib. My league does not award bone fracture points, sadly, so Donovan's extra effort goes unrewarded. Keep your chin up, Donovan.
Sideline reporters are the Paula Abdul of NFL broadcasts.
There are few things in life more annoying than NFL analysts using "football" as an adjective for football terms. "When we're talking about football players in the National Football League competing on the football field, Brett Favre shows time and again he can make the best football plays throwing the football to his receivers so they can make football plays."
Judging by the number of pointed fingers to the sky after touchdowns, God answered more prayer requests for players to score than he's ever answered prayer requests to heal the sick. So, next time you're sick, trick God by saying, "Hey, God, I'm really hoping you can help me score some white blood cells so I can lead my body to healthy victory." God's a sucker for sports.
God hates Brett Favre.
The NFL is as popular as ever, which cynics will point to as a sign of misplaced values- more people can tell you who won the past five Super Bowls than can tell you who were the past five vice presidents. Don't worry, though. Nobody likes the losers who can name vice presidents.
Fantasy football has you do strange things, like root for and against somebody at the same time: I needed the Colts defense to do well, but the Jaguars kicker to score lots of points against them. Must be how Tyra Banks feels about the Top Model contestants.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model Cycle 13 Premiere

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 13:20:00 +0000

It's already time for another season of America's Next Top Model. If you were like me, you could barely sleep at the mere thought of it! Or, more accurately, you were kind of happy your Tivo recorded it and figured, hey, better than Property Virgins reruns. Here's the two-hour season premiere play-by-play. If you haven't read my Top Model play-by-plays before, I give all the girls nicknames, as it's more fun that way. Here's the recap of the Cycle 12 finale, when Cruise (Teyona) won it all.

:03 Tyra makes her entrance. I think this is Tyra's favorite part of every season- her first entrance, when the girls act like she's the second coming of the Beatles, and she gets to act crazy.

:04 Last year, Tyra did the Greek god thing. This year, she used a terrible French accent. Next year, she busts out her Jackie from Fresh Prince persona. Can't wait!

:05 Jay Alexander, the photo director, hasn't aged since I've started watching this show.

:12 The girls interview with the judges. Courtney walks in on crutches because she broke her foot while cheerleading. Nice idea playing up the sympathy card, Courtney, but next time, really go for it by accidentally putting a hot iron on your face so you have a signature look the judges can't ignore.

:13 Tyra says she likes Courtney's body because "she has no boobs... she's almost like a boy." So Courtney is a flat-chested, crippled cheerleader. If that thought doesn't give her confidence, I don't know what will. Nickname: Spirit Fingers

:14 Amanda is so poor, she doesn't have indoor plumbing in her trailer, so if she has to go number 2, she goes to a gas station. I can't make this stuff up. Nickname: Joe the Plumber

:22 Amber loves Jesus. She wants you to know that, as it's the reason she's modeling. (I think that's in the New Testament somewhere). She also walked into her interview strutting like a peacock. Tyra: "What was all that?" Amber: "My catwalk. Meow." ANTM is back in full force! Nickname: Right Said Fred

:32 Laura, a Kentucky girl, castrates cows.... When they were asking for Top Model applicants 5'7 or shorter, did they ask that they be as odd as possible? Nickname: The Widower

:34 Almost all of these girls are skinny as a toothpick. I guess Tyra didn't want to try to promote a plus-size, short Top Model. Or a girl who looks like she has girl parts.

:35 The more I watch Top Model, the more I can see how each girl is a reminder of a past girl. Rachel has big doe eyes like Allison (Dracula) from last season. Bianca has a shaved head like Nnenna. Right Said Fred loves Jesus like London (London the Baptist). Different season, same girls.

:47 Tyra, Miss J and Jay narrow the field from 20 down to the final 14. I'll give them this- they somehow see models in girls that on the street, you'd think are destined for "What Not to Wear," or, in some cases, "Man vs. Wild."

:47 Kara looks like the love child of Kelly from Real Housewives of New York City and singer Leona Lewis. Not sure if that's a good thing yet. Nickname: Lelly

:54 Tyra calls out the top 14. As she stands next to the six girls who didn't make the cut, you are reminded this is Top Model Short Year-- she's literally head and shoulders taller than them. For a visual, think Godzilla attacking New York City.

1:00 NOOOOOO! Right Said Fred dropped out "for personal issues." She was a comedic gold mine, Tyra! Bring her back! Oh well. Lisa, who didn't make the cut before, takes her spot. Nickname: Understudy

1:02 This episode isn't joking around. They are already doing make-overs. Save something for next week, Tyra.

1:02 You know those Etch-a-sketch things you played with as a kid to give the man a funny mustache or crazy hair? That's essentially what Tyra is doing to each model's photos to illustrate their make-over.

1:06 Can we give all of America a make-over? Wouldn't we all be the better for it?

1:07 Every season, one girl complains about her make-over. This year, it's the girl with no hair, Bianca. She complains about her eyebrows getting bleached. It's one of many things Bianca complains about. Nickname: Pouty McPouterson

1:16 The girls go to the Top Model house, which has fun house mirrors and oversized furniture to remind the girls they are short. I wonder if they made the toilets too high. That would be funny.

1:16 Did I mention there's a girl named Sundai on here? That's not even my nickname for her. But she'll need a Nickname: Hot Fudge Sundae (a la Saved By the Bell, for those in the know)

1:22 Photoshoot time- the girls are replicating their childhood photos. Erin, even with bleach blond hair, looks like Mena Suvari. Well, that one's easy enough. Nickname: Mena

1:22 It's LuLu's turn. LuLu revealed earlier she's a lesbian, and has her girlfriend's name tattooed on her chest. Nickname: The L Word (that one works too perfectly)

1:23 Rachel, with her big doe eyes, will have the same problem Allison had last year in doing something with her face beyond "Deer Caught in Headlights!" Nickname: Headlights. During Rae's shoot to replicate her ballerina photo as a little girl, she has to wear eight-inch heels that have her standing on her toes, making her look like a ballerina about to turn tricks on the corner. She's got a daughter, and that's going to give her motivation. I like it. Nickname: Mommy

1:28 Brittany's photo as a kid is her sucking on a Pixie stick. But, as Jay Manuel points her, she looks like a porn star when she sucks on the Pixie stick as an adult. Nickname: NC-17

1:30 Nicole, with her mane-like red hair and standoffish attitude, is the black sheep of the house so far, the proverbial "here for the modeling, not to make friends." But she does great in her photos, so Jay compliments her. Nicole just smiles and nods. There's a girl like her every season. Nickname: Black Sheep

1:31 Last one, finally (14 girls is a lot, Tyra.) Jennifer is proud to be the sole Asian girl in the competition, and she's also proud after nailing her photo shoot. She's the bubbly one everybody loves and is just glad to be here. Nickname: Miss Congeniality

1:38 Judging time. Different this year: Paulina is gone, so a guest judge is being used. This time, it's some random model, Chanel Iman, but in future weeks, it'll be people like Lauren Conrad, Marisa Miller and Kim Kardashian. Also different: Wilhemina Modeling is signing the winner to a contract, as Tyra notes Wilhemina is willing to sign a girl of any height. Not said: That means the usual agency, Elite, said "Hecccccccccck no we're not signing a shortie."

1:50 My favorite shot of the week: Ashley, who got discovered by Top Model while attending the Tyra Banks show. Nickname: Lady Luck. Least favorite: Hot Fudge Sundae.

1:53 Girls in the top 13 (in order called): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Lady Luck (Ashley), Spirit Fingers (Courtney), Mena (Erin), The L Word (LuLu), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)...

1:54 With a bottom two of Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Understudy (Lisa). Pouty had a good photo, bad attitude. Understudy had bad photo, good potential.... and, since Top Model looooves keeping around girls with a bad attitude, Pouty stays, Understudy goes.

To discuss making appropriate song selections for your audience

wildarschase@yahoo.com (Andy) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 21:02:00 +0000

I kick-started my semi-professional singing career last night ~~and boy were my feet tired oh andy that's a dumb old person joke stop making a fool of yourself~~.

I got asked to be the third person in a trio that does a several paid shows each year for organizations and clubs looking for entertainment. Of course, they could get cheaper entertainment by watching America's Next Top Model, but who am I to argue?

We had our first practice last night, picking songs for our show in mid-October. The show is for a womens' club full of elderly ladies... basically, my biggest fans.

Unfortunately, this meant two things:
A) I won't be able to ask for them to throw their panties at me like a rock star. No one needs to see that.
B) I won't be able to sing from the T-Pain catalog. "I'm gonna buy you a drank/Might make it that Ovaltine!"

I begrudgingly settled on what some people might consider "classics of American theater." We're doing selections primarily from "Oklahoma" and "Annie Get Your Gun," which should let me bust out some leather ~~assless~~ chaps.

The older audiences love those kind of Broadway standards, the same way Mariah Carey loves making career comebacks nobody requested.* You cater to what they want.

Since I'm always trying to prepare for the future, I thought I'd assemble some appropriate song choices for other types of audiences, trying to stick to the Broadway tunes, our group's focus.

Before I run the songs by my group, however, I thought I'd let you tell me what you think of these songs for the respective party host. That, and you guys seem to enjoy your musical-themed posts.

Paula Abdul: "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going," Dreamgirls
Anyone standing next to Megan Fox at an event: "Mr. Cellophane" Chicago
Real World cast: "Will I Lose My Dignity?" Rent
"18 & Counting's" Duggar family: "You'll Never Walk Alone" Carousel
Tara Reid: "I'm Just a Girl (Who Can't Say No)" Oklahoma
Donatella Versace: "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face" My Fair Lady
Kim Kardashian: "The Internet Is for Porn," Avenue Q
Kate Gosselin: "Woe Is Me," The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
Christina Hendricks: "When You Got It, Flaunt It" The Producers
Brett Favre: " I Want the Good Times Back," The Little Mermaid

Please feel free to add suggestions. It's for the good of my singing career!

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* See-- if you read yesterday's post, you'll know this is an appropriate joke.