What if I embrace the slow descent
and find myself so drastically changed
That I cannot right myself again?
If I let go into the far-away darkness,
I’ll land somewhere I’ve never been before.
But will I finally really know?

I think of image.
Color upon color,
History upon brokenness.
These are things I think I control.
Yours is the mind I think I console.
To try and save us all.

But I’m also the only one that sees
Inside me as I slowly sink.
The sand slyly creeps upwards
Trying to silence this loud secret.

“These things you can’t control”
“These minds you can’t console”

“You need to grab hold of hope somehow.”

Lately, Carly and I have been rising early to take walks in our new neighborhood before running off to work. This is something we did a lot in Lubbock, the better part of an entire year. We cherished the time together, and it helped us start our mornings off right – prioritizing our marriage and talking through all sorts of plans and issues.

Now that we’re in a new home with a new career, its been very hard to connect with God. I realized that if we could just turn our eyes toward God in our daily routines, we could find ourselves much closer to him. Those squirrels chasing each other up and down tree trunks…they’re having fun because God made them and allows them to do that. The refreshing fall breeze, cold and crisp in our lungs…that’s by His design so we might breathe in life.

Romans 1 says that God’s existence has been made evident in the history of creation, that is, everything. As many composers have quoted “The Heavens are declaring the Glory of God” (Psalm 19:1). While we can look to the natural world around us and not necessarily immediately understand that God exists and loves us, we can take our knowledge of the historical God, the historical Jesus, and the church, and see that every truth becomes truer in God. Indeed, God’s work in the world is evident in so many ways.

I’m thankful that I get the pleasure of morning walks. I get the pleasure of comfort, a wonderful wife, a rewarding career, sincere friends, loving family, and downright goofy fun. God in His goodness, beautifully ordains all this for his Glory and so that we might trust him more and more.

I awoke from a dream of waiting to rehearse my high school band, who for some reason was preparing to play by gathering in the gym locker rooms. A mentor of mine had his band in the gym bleachers, waiting on mine to come out and rehearse and we were debating the best way to make things happen. As always in my dreams, there was no clarity of what was being communicated or sought. But, my off-day dreams are full of work related thoughts. I love my work, but have very little practice resting yet.

Usually I’m the one to jump on chances to take care of the house, check off menial tasks, and help us get ahead on cooking. Today, I haven’t felt that. I’m not used to this depth of fatigue. For the first time in my life, I feel honestly drained by my day-to-day work. For seven years of getting paid to earn degrees the pace of constant outpouring weighs differently. It’s much harder to see a personal task or ambition as an attainable and measured goal. I come home everyday ready to veg out. I’ve never been that way before, and would much rather not be.

I’m loving my work, but its seriously working me. So, I’m looking for the energy and the motivation and the vitality to balance life. I see a vision of me arriving home daily to eagerly greet my wife, help her with needed tasks, spend a half hour drumming or creating or catching up with a friend, and then proceeding to have a relaxed and unplanned evening with family (namely, my lovely wife). That would feel much more balanced than where I’ve been for the first part of this school year.

Jesus never “flew solo” when it came to his thoughts, words, and actions. This includes all his concerns and worries, as well as anything he may not have wanted to follow through on. As I’ve been facing the challenges before me, I have not turned only toward obedience. I do not have the singular confidence that my faith has driven me toward in the past.

I remember walking through my undergraduate student union with an emotional awareness of myself. I thought the more briskly I walked by the small shops, the more purpose I would attract. I recall a sort of anticipation every time I walked up the front steps and opened those stainless steel-rimmed glass doors to be greeted by a rush of air-conditioned academic freshness. I was a full-grown growing-up student, albeit merely picked up out of the public education system and dropped into a state-subsidized extension of my only functional reality.

Today, seven years later, I pass through similar corridors of my graduate school student union, feeling deeply moved by an upcoming relocation to begin my career as a band director. God first tied me that undergraduate institution, then sent me away married, loving my brand new wife (hot off the press) through this new adventure together. Now the wind in the sails has completely reversed directions, taking us back to where we came from and seemingly ripping us away from many we hold dear.

We’ve secured the cutest of cute houses, with a wonderful park across the street, complete with disarrayed tennis courts. Ignoring my wife’s anxiety about leaving all we love in Lubbock, TX to return to our hometown, I easily stepped into a number of properties, brimming with the excitement of our potential. It’s not hard for me to imagine myself being awesome just about anywhere I go. We settled after viewing six properties, but we both admit our new place is just “almost” perfect. Only God is perfect, as my mom says.

Today, feeling the stress of an impending move affecting my wife and I’s interactions and seeing potentially damaging patterns developing, I’m grasping for meaning in the realization of how emotional I feel when thinking about location. At this juncture, I realize I feel so much fondness for where she and I once brushed into each other in Washburn’s student union. Yet, I feel so far beyond it, as if I cannot ever return with the sort of vitality once alive in the younger me. Regardless, I stand outside my past identity and see just how much stock we invest in our location.

Am I defined by my location or do I give definition to my location? Do I receive the day’s weather directly into my limbic system for cloudiness and storms to overflow in my behavior? Or do I hop out of bed with a smile, ready to splash through the prevailing puddles and personal muddles?

There is something that transcends all of this, which I’m admittedly out of touch with recently, and that is the Spirit of Christ. I know that many struggles of my past five years of life were bearable, and even fruitful, due to God’s work in me. When I am setting aside myself and remembering the amazing news of Christ’s forgiveness for me, not a single negative circumstance can overtake my emotions or my behaviors. Instead, in that wonderful state, I am defined by the gratefulness and humility I feel towards God and those emotions translate into a natural and encouraging service to those around me.

Today, in Lubbock, TX, walking just another errand through this soon-to-be distant student union, I notice a weight of sadness. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe it’s finally time for me to mourn. All I find myself seeking is a way to embrace this change, to follow Christ through the futile battles in my brain, and to lead my wife to a land of promise. The road is painful and our need for comfort is great. That’s what we desire. Not these distractions and impatient conflicts.

Come, Holy Spirit, will you? No matter my location crisis. No matter my identity crisis.

A number of months ago, for a small group meeting, we used pet peeves as an icebreaker for the evening. We shared what annoys us most, shedding light on all sorts of things that tend to irk us, send our blood pressure up, make us squirm. I noticed some patterns. We really enjoyed tossing bad drivers under the bus (pun intended), commiserating about waiting in long lines, and generally (vehemently) agreeing on the kinds of things that “those people” do to annoy us. It actually showed our tendency to blame others for our temper or insecurity lies just below the surface, but we tried to cover that ugliness with some laughter.

I couldn’t think of anything in particular that annoys me, so I tried to playfully call out my wife on some small issue. I realize now, she could have quickly cited my lack of shutting things as her pet peeve but she kindly attacked third graders at her job instead. However, I hear almost daily a request to close the closet door or shut the cabinets after gathering dinner ingredients. I always think I’m doing awesome when I remember to close the fridge!

I’ve realized that instead of focusing on our pet peeves, continually adding to a seemingly never-ending list of complaints about others or about uncontrollable circumstances, maybe I should try and discover what others see as my most annoying habits. Maybe I could benefit by taking the log out of my own eye (quoting Jesus here) before attempting to convince myself that others are the cause of my problems or that I’m a victim of the day’s challenges.

Of course, this could be a silly exercise. I’ve learned that plodding down the paths of self-help or self-improvement can lead to an existential dead end. I’ve tried to pursue perfection for the sake of security or pride only to find myself more empty than when I started. Perfection is both elusive and ultimately depressing.

But, perhaps this could reveal some serious issues in my behavior. Maybe I could discover some of the hurdles or barriers that turn people off to the life I really could be sharing with them.

Have you ever thought in this way? Have you ever considered that maybe your unawareness, insensitivity, or plain obstinance really bothers others? Have you ever considered that your actions may be failing to show love to those around you?

Why don’t you go ahead and clue me in to things I have done, repeatedly do, or used to consistently do, that peeve you. For me, I’ll call them iPeeves – the things I do that peeve others. This is the internet and Apple is the standard. So, iPeeves. #iPeeves. A wave of owning up to our obstinance and repeated offenses will catch on.

Maybe.

Comment anything that comes to mind, anonymously if preferred. I want to consider these, both silly and serious, and may implement them as resolutions or habits to break/change/mold/improve. Again, this isn’t about the perfection of self, but the loving of others. Starting with my wife and those pesky and loud doors!

Last updated: Saturday, November 24th

not listed by importance or priority!

1. Salvation
2. Forgiveness
3. mom, her care and acts of service
4. dad, his support and wisdom
5. Jason
6. Billy
7. Hans
8. Peter
9. my girlfriend, Carly
10. socks
11. shirts, too many really
12. underwears
13. convenient washer/dryer
14. running water
15. hot water
16. cold, purified water
17. a convenient water bottle
18. this laptop
19. ability to express
20. ability to compose
21. drums
22. drumsticks
23. music
24. musicians
25. music school
26. professors
27. counselors
28. teachers
29. custodians
30. trash cans
31. couches
32. my cajon
33. my guitar
34. my phone
35. my music
36. past learning
37. math class
38. social studies wisdom
39. the BIBLE
40. the books in the Bible that give advice
41. the books in the Bible that give comfort
42. the books in the Bible that give hope
43. David, the Psalmist
44. Wordpress
45. Youtube
46. Community
47. Facebook
48. my car
49. my scholarships
50. food, and what I like at that!
51. Smoothies
52. Bananas
53. Almonds
54. mucus relief (compare to the active ingredients of Mucinex)
55. sleep
56. a comfortable and warm bed
57. pillows
58. handkerchiefs
59. running shoes
60. running shoes
61. boots for cold, wet, adverse
62. practice pads
63. The Mars Volta
64. encouraging phrases
65. inspirational books
66. good stories
67. Harry Potter
68. the ability to experience nostalgia
69. pop-sickles
70. poop-sickles (the humor, okay?)
71. humor
72. jokes
73. bill cosby
74. the emperor’s new groove
75. money in the bank
76. automated bill pay
77. sense of hearing
78. aesthetic enjoyment of music and sound
79. sense of taste
80. enjoyment of food
81. preferences and rights to use them
82. America’s freedoms
83. freedom of expression
84. freedom to urinate in my backyard (ya, I know its weird)
85. freedom to write,
86. to sing,
87. to read,
88. to play
89. sense of sight
90. glasses
91. contacts
92. contact solution
93. file cabinets
94. order and organization among chaos
95. the wind in the fall
96. the change of season
97. the varying and never-boring weather of KS
98. friendly Midwesterners
99. travel opportunities
100. wind ensemble
101. orchestra
102. jazz band
103. Washburn University Percussion Collective (the experience and good times)
104. Christian Challenge meetings
105. Doorholders ministry friends
106. The Challenge Band
107. drums at Challenge
108. earplugs
109. headphones
110. mobile music devices
111. good tires
112. closet of dressier attire
113. medicated foot powder
114. protein shakes
115. a scale (to be aware of my health)
116. the ability to walk,
117. to run,
118. to bike,
119. to trampoline,
120. to swim,
121. to bathe,
122. to jump,
123. to roll,
124. to stumble but stabilize myself
125. my bike
126. helmets
127. bike gloves
128. winter gloves
129. work gloves
130. bare feet
131. rain and mist on a windy night
132. the smell of rain
133. house plants
134. fans
135. remotes for fans (seriously America, why aren’t we grateful?!)
136. Halo
137. Pizza
138. homemade bread
139. gardening
140. practice time
141. quiet time with Jesus and His Word
142. the ability to type,
143. to speak,
144. to sing
145. the beauty of each sunrise,
146. sunset,
147. picture-cloud kind of day
148. opera gongs
149. percussion camp
150. band camp
151. drum major camp
152. scholarships
153. business connections
154. teaching opportunities
155. my kids at Shawnee Heights
156. supportive bosses
157. metronomes
158. God’s protection
159. Solitude
160. Silence
161. loud and noisy objects
162. warm baths
163. quick showers
164. sinus rinse
165. home-remedies
166. insurance
167. doctors
168. medicine
169. snacks
170. peanut butter
171. warm home
172. a few places I can call home
173. airplanes
174. buses
175. trains
176. rails-to-trails

Greetings! I hope you have enjoyed your summer season of 2012! I am writing to report back to you about my trip to Willow, Alaska, where seven Washburn University colleagues and I served at North Star Bible Camp. We had a wonderful time working with campers, experiencing God’s creation, and spreading the Good News.

THE THANKS
First, I want to thank you for your support in prayer and/or finance. Our team was very blessed in focus, unity, health, and friendships. Though we were challenged at times, I feel camp was prepared and bolstered by ample prayer and God’s work. We were also blessed to be fully funded, removing stress and distractions from our mission at camp. Thank you so much for what you contributed to make this a great camp!

THE SETUP
Our experience began with three days of training and camp preparation. Our focus was on sharing the Gospel in three parts: mankind’s individual sin (Romans 3:23), Jesus’ loving sacrifice in our place for our sin (Romans 5:8), and the eternally saving response of faith in Jesus (John 1:12). This gave us a very simple framework for talking with kids of varying ages. During training we also got accustomed to camp life, routines, and rules and worked on various projects. I was delegated to bike repair and music preparations. Group meals and evening games built team unity for the weeks to come.
A typical day consisted of a staff prayer meeting, cabin cleanup (for both cleanliness and good-hearted competition!), breakfast, camper devotion time, chapel (worship and message), games, activities, lunch, verse memorization, free time, cabin discussion time, dinner, chapel again, evening games, snacks, and bedtime devotions. The weather was generally cloudy and occasionally rainy – though we had a few sunny days that rivaled a calm and clear 70 degrees anywhere!

THE CAMPS
There were three weeks of camp, beginning with high school. We had an exceptionally low camper to counselor ratio for this week with five campers and three counselors per cabin. This allowed for lots of flexibility to have one-on-one conversations and time for rest. My five high school campers were a mix of ages and maturity and one of them actually made a decision to accept and follow Jesus during his time at camp! The other campers were all open and curious about learning more about God, but a couple headed back home to very discouraging environments.
For middle school week I was the camp photographer. This was a nice break, but I missed out on the unique energy and malleability of this age group. As a staff worker, we had our own devotions and verse memorization, so in addition to following camper activities I also learned about the early Christian church (Acts, chapters 1-8) and became more focused on honoring God daily through studying Ephesians Chapter 5. You can see the media slideshow and other photos on North Star’s Facebook page (bottom).
Elementary week was our final camp. In just the first night these campers were more fun and more challenging than both prior camps combined. We also had more campers. I was surprised that all of my campers already believed in Jesus. However, a couple of them did not behave as though God’s grace was active in their lives through their arguing and competitiveness. Granted, they were young and we did our best to model Christ-like actions while keeping up the light-hearted activities. Thankfully, conflicts were resolved and all the kids were able to benefit from a full week of God’s teaching. These younger kids definitely stole our hearts!

THE TAKE-AWAYS
Camp taught me to build relationships with peers and students with the purest intentions of trust, respect, and service. I gained experience and confidence in sharing or reviewing Gospel with everyone – seekers, stumblers, and “souled out” followers.
Beginning each day with staff prayer was energizing and encouraging because we helped each other focus on God’s mission for every believer (Matthew 28:18-20). We grew very close and I was truly sad to leave. I am inspired to maintain my personal relationship with God, be more intentional in sharing the Gospel in Topeka, and now desire closer relationships with fellow believers.

Thank you again and all glory to God for His work in the lives of the campers and staff!
In Christ Alone,

David Wingerson
Philippians 1:3-6, 9-11

I am glad to talk with you more about this experience! david@wingerson.us | http://wingerson.us | FB: North Star Bible Camp 2012

Our first few days here we spent lots of time training and working on camp to-do’s. Each day was packed with three or four “chapel” times in which we worshiped and then learned about North Star rules and procedures and the mission of the camp: to lead campers to Christ through presenting the gospel and to help grow and encourage those who already believe through discipleship. We learned four main rules/philosophies that guide our actions as counselors and staffers – these are overarching and cover most of the smaller detail kind of rules of camp:

We also learned succinct ways of sharing the gospel – splitting it into different sections (sin, Jesus, response) or using a bridge analogy (Romans 6:23). All our study and methodology was very encouraging and helpful in solidifying the significance of the Gospel I’ve been experiencing for the past couple years.

I became the bike mechanic and worked to maintenance ten mountain bikes owned by the camp. They are all very nice but have not had the best care over the past couple years. At this point (after a week of camp) we have nine of ten bikes working well. I ended up assisting with other things, like organizing game equipment, leading worship and playing drums (a conga), and cleaning cabins and the lodge.

We also got the opportunity to visit Talkeetna, a tourist town near Denali National Park. Denali = Mt. McKinley. It was a beautiful day and we saw a full view of the mountains in the range – God’s creation is absolutely beautiful!

I ended up getting sick Friday through Monday of when the first campers arrived. The typical sinus congestion I get when sick. Not mono symptoms, though fatigue has been something I’ve still been fighting.

High school camp was wonderful! We were unsure of the number of the campers who would come, but God brought us about twenty-five campers in all. We had a very high ratio of counselors to campers (1 or 2 to 3) which was great for getting to know the campers personally, having fun with them, resting at various times (helped my sickness and mono battle quite a bit!), and having individual conversations about God and the Gospel.

One camper in our cabin professed new faith in Jesus, while two of them were full of lots questions – thirsty for answers we could say. Interestingly, questions on a certain topic would arise (i.e. what happens if a murderer believes in Jesus before their death row date…will they go to heaven?). Our camp speaker, a pastor that came with us from Kansas, would in turn answer some of those very questions in the following chapel message – God at work in the minds of our campers!

Little things like that, ever since I became a follower of Jesus, convince me that coincidences don’t really exist… God is in control and we are just to obey what he commands and he will complete his mission. When we say “What a coincidence!” we are really forgetting to attribute something to God’s plan. “Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.”

I think most of the campers got a lot of information and understanding from the week’s program. We also gave our cabin guides for building their prayer habits at home (7 minutes with God – Navigators).

Another building block for the week was were memory verses. We memorized Romans 8:31-39 in sections over the course of the week, competing with other cabins for points. This passage stresses the security of our salvation as a result of God’s unmatched love for us through Jesus. The kids were excited to get points memorizing, but more importantly they were hiding away a bit of God’s truth in their minds. Hopefully they’ll draw from this in the future!

Pray that this week’s campers would be about God and his love for them, that they would make decisions of faith in Jesus, and that their activities would be blessed with safety, friendship, and fun. Also, pray for the counselors whose goal it is to make the most of opportunities to talk with kids about Jesus and salvation. Pray for their hearts and minds, and their endurance and health.

WOOT