Professionally, I am known as a 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐂𝐨𝐚𝐜𝐡. However, I also incorporate my training in Applied Positive Psychology and trauma response work into my hashtag#services.

Today, I like to introduce my comprehensive services designed to support individuals, couples, and families in achieving stronger, more fulfilling relationships and a greater sense of well-being.

𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐲
As a Couples Therapist, I work with troubled relationships, providing a safe and non-judgmental space for couples to explore their challenges and work towards a more loving and supportive partnership, their dream relationship.

To achieve this, I focus primarily on enhancing hashtag#relationshipskills such as communication, conflict management, emotional regulation and mindfulness.

𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐂𝐨𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠
My Relationship Coaching services cater to a diverse range of individuals and groups, including:
🎯 Individuals seeking to enhance their romantic skills and confidence
🎯 Couples addressing specific issues, such as communication, conflict management, and navigating difficult money conversations
🎯Adult children and parents looking to improve their relationships
🎯Parents seeking guidance on effective child management
🎯Co-founders stuck in gridlock, needing facilitation to move forward

My Relationship Coaching services help couples address specific issues, including communication, conflict management, and navigating difficult money conversations. I'm adept at helping couples work through challenging topics like finances where I guide them in open and productive dialogues to uncover underlying beliefs and experiences. This fosters mutual understanding, empathy, and aligned decision-making, ultimately strengthening their partnership.

𝐏𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐏𝐬𝐲𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐲
Drawing on my background in Applied Positive Psychology, I empower individuals and couples to identify and leverage their strengths, cultivating resilience, happiness, and well-being.

𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐮𝐦𝐚 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐤: 𝐌𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐥 𝐄𝐲𝐞 𝐌𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 (𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐈)
For individuals and couples who have experienced trauma, I offer specialized trauma response work using 𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐈. This approach helps process and integrate traumatic experiences, reducing symptoms and promoting healing. Clients can reclaim their power and move forward with greater resilience.

𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐡 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧
As a Mental Health Practitioner, I'm dedicated to supporting clients in achieving optimal mental wellness, the foundation of a fulfilling life.

Together, these diverse services allow me to take a holistic approach to empowering relationships and well-being. I invite you to reach out and take the first step.

Sincerely
Winifred Ling 🐦‍🔥 (M.Couns, GDAPP, CMEMIP-1)

The theme for International Women’s Day this year is #BreakTheBias

Today, I like to talk about a slightly different type of #bias that women face, and that is the invisible wounds that women experience when they suffer from psychological, mental and emotional distress resulting from a toxic and detrimental relationship with an intimate partner. Typically these wounds lead them to suffer from mentalhealth issues such as depression, anxiety or complexPTSD.

In my practice, I have seen women who belong to this category where their psychological and emotional pain is not quite taken as seriously as a physical and sexual assault. As far as I know, currently there’s no legal protection for them in Singapore. Please correct me if I am wrong.

Of note will be those who suffer from NarcissisticAbuse.

"Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse perpetrated by someone who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. These individuals have a tendency – whether conscious or unconscious – to use words and language in manipulative ways to damage, alter, or otherwise control their partner’s behaviour."

The bias that I hope to break is that society will recognise these invisible wounds as valid, and actions and steps will be taken to move towards a judicial system that is #inclusive of them.

Many of the survivors that I have worked with have expressed their desire to create a greater awareness to educate women, young and old, of the warning signs of a detrimental relationship. I have written an article on it and you can read it here:

Do share it with those you know who might benefit from it.

I also wish to acknowledge the strength and resilience of these women who have overcome such painful experiences. Some manage to recover and form healthier relationships while others are still triggered and fearful to commit to new relationship.

Do you know of woman who have shared their heart-breaking stories and how they rebuild their trust in themselves after being gaslighted and blamed for a long time? If you have been through such process yourself, know that I see you and you’re not alone. We celebrate your strength today. Seek help if you need to so that you can flourish again.

To break the bias, it is imperative that we model what a healthy relationship look like to our children, learn to break the negative #cycle ourselves, create #dialogue and sharing of information on how to build a strong and resilient relationship.

Happy International Women’s Day! May we recognise the biases that we have within ourselves, be courageous to confront them and take necessary actions to change and grow, and build the society that we want to see for our children and their children.

I made an analysis of the 10 Rules of Marriage that I found on the internet recently and received several requests for proactive and positive rules that couples can abide by.

Based on what I understand and practise as a relationship expert, I came up with Winifred’s 10 "rules" that I hope will encourage you to invest in your marriage or relationship. These rules are derived from the principles used in Gottman Method Couples Therapy as well as Applied Positive Psychology that I am skilled in.

While I call them "rules", they are not cast in stone. Pick and decide with your partner on the rules that are most relevant to your current stage of relationship. Let's dive in and look at each of them.

1. Be a safe harbour to each other

 What this means is that you will be the person that your partner will turn to for connection, support, comfort and love. There is intimacy and closeness when you can be your real and authentic self. You also prioritise each other when you make decisions. For this safe harbour to be strong, you make effort to safeguard the relationship by setting clear boundaries on rules of engagement with the opposite sex. You don't take the marriage for granted. For couples who share the same faith, pray and grow your faith together.

2. Adopt a growth mindset

Be willing to learn and change, recognising that there are skills that each of you can learn in order to deepen your relationship and connection. Instead of seeing your partner from your own perspective and forming your own conclusions, entertain the possibility of discovering new things about each other. Continue to work on being the best version of yourself for each other. Cultivate self-awareness so that you can continue to reveal your true self to your partner.

3. Listen, summarise and validate

The first rule in listening to each other is that you're not both talking at the same time! Unfortunately, I observe the contrary a lot in my couples. After a while, both persons are talking at the same time and no one is listening. Always take turns to speak. To ensure that you are truly listening, make sure that you are able to summarise and validate the point or position of your partner to his/her satisfaction. Always check to see if you've heard each other's side of the story correctly. This is the foundation of good communication.

4. Practise gratitude

Much research has shown the importance of gratitude not only in the formation of a new relationship but also in the successful maintenance of these intimate bonds. Additionally, the experience of gratitude enables you to feel closer to your partner thereby leading to a greater satisfaction in the relationship. When you are grateful for your relationship, you're less likely to compare yourself or your partner with someone else. Learn to focus on what is good in your partner and the relationship will become stronger and deeper. Verbalise your gratitude to your partner frequently to minimise the feeling of being underappreciated.

5. Do small things often

It is more important to show your care and love through tangible actions frequently rather than doing a grand gesture once or twice a year on special occasions. You strengthen the emotional connection between the two of you when you do small acts of service and love to your partner by sending a message to encourage him or her on a challenging day or to share in the joy of small wins. Identify your partner's love language and show your love accordingly in a way that he or she can receive and appreciate. Thank each other regularly, affirm the virtues you admire in one another and be willing to apologise first to repair any regrettable incidence.

6. Build a healthy love bank

A "love bank" is a collection of what makes you feel connected, cared for and valued by your partner. The concept is similar to a normal bank account where there are deposits and withdrawals. When you build more positive interactions with your partner, your emotional love bank account flourishes. You feel safe and secure. Even if you have a "withdrawal" (for example, a small argument), it doesn't feel too threatening. You know that you have sufficient amount in that will not result in a deficit. When you notice that your partner or you are getting more annoyed and easily triggered,there is a danger that you may need an overdraft. For example, things that don't usually bother you about your partner's behaviour, irritate you now. Pay attention to it and put in effort to increase the emotional connection. Ways to increase your love bank include understanding your partner's inner world, showing fondness and admiration, and turning towards his or her bids for connection. Repeat #3, #4 and #5. Be mindful not to turn this into a game of reciprocity where comparisons are made on who's done more.

7. Approach conflict with curiosity

The ability to regulate conflicts is critical to the success of a relationship. When you address your differences adequately, they are less likely to snowball into a massive conflict. When you find yourself in a different position from that of your partner, be curious and ask questions about his or her position so that you can deepen your understanding of your partner. What happens more often than not is an assumption is made that your partner is  making your life difficult by being oppositional or disagreeable. This perception is detrimental as you begin to assume the worst in each other. Those who are conflict-avoidant often find it challenging to regulate their own emotions and the emotions of their partner during conflicts. It's important for them to learn the skill to call for a break so that they can self-soothe before continuing with the emotionally-charged conversation. When you are curious and re-frame your conflict as an opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other, the differences become less daunting.

8. Be playful and laugh a lot

Recall the time when you first got together: there were easy conversations, plenty of laughter and fun. As you progress to different stages of the relationship, responsibilities and burdens will increase. As such, it is easy to slip into a routine and forget about having fun together. Cultivate and utilise your sense of humour as it is a good way to connect with your partner and to lift the mood when the going gets tough. Watch comedies, share jokes and funny stories so that you can laugh together. If you have kids, laugh with them too. Life is hard and it will be harder when we take everything too seriously.

9. Support each other's dreams

Couples who decide to be committed and marry each other usually have dreams in mind. When you are not intentional in having such an important conversation with your partner about their dreams, it is easy to be consumed by day-to-day tasks and activities that you forget the big picture. Take time to find out and revisit your partner's dreams regularly. Initiate such conversations when you'd like to take a new direction in your life. You can enhance your relationship by creating shared meaning and dreams. Common ones include building a family and home together, finding a cause that's meaningful for you to support, creating impact through the work that you do either professionally or in the community you serve. Discussion of such dreams is important as it will affect the decisions that you make as a couple and family.

10. Accept influence and compromise

It is impossible to always find agreement between two individuals. Therefore being able to accept influence and compromise is key to the success of the relationship. Accepting influence is about developing your ability to find a point of agreement in your partner's position. It is not about insisting that you're right or finding evidence that your partner is wrong all the time. In accepting influence, it doesn't mean that you need to change into someone you are not. You need to have a good sense of who you are at your core, and be sure to protect it so that you are not coerced into becoming someone else. If you make the decision to be the person that your partner needs you to be, accept your responsibility for that decision rather than blaming it on your partner. The challenge in accepting influence is really about relinquishing your control and preferences some of the time to prioritise the needs of your partner.

I'd really love to hear what you think of these "rules" and which might be the ones that you will focus on cultivating and practicing. Feel free to email me your thoughts and questions.

If you find this blog post helpful, you have my permission to  share it with your friends and family.

Throughout my years of searching for success, I’ve met with many generous souls along the way. But there’s no one quite like failure. Today I am expressing my gratitude for what failure has taught me by sharing my story through Calm Collective Asia.

This was my neighbourhood in the Bay Area of California when I was living as a trailing spouse for about 5.5 years. I loved going for long walks where I slowed down and smelled the roses.

Outwardly, I was living a charmed life; going to places, travelling and having the greatest fun of my life. To be fair, I did enjoy my life and I still consider it one of the best periods of my life with my husband.

What many didn't know was the displacement and sense of lost that I felt on a daily basis when I was alone. For about 2 years, I felt very lost with regards to my career. At that point in time, I had just undergone two brain surgeries, recovering from a #stroke, gotten married, quit my job and relocated to a new country, all within the span of 1 year.

My life was pretty isolated. My visa didn’t permit me to have a paid work. Because of my stroke, I couldn’t drive and I lived in a suburb where majority of people drove which meant that the public transport wasn't great. This was before the explosion of ride-sharing.

I was stuck at home, alone with my thoughts; and the demons created a lot of  self-doubt. I couldn’t let go of the narrow definition of success. I knew that I was smart and yet there was no proof of it.

I was without a paid job, direction and identity. My husband and I wanted to have a baby and every month it was only heartbreak and disappointment. I applied for a Master program in Applied Positive Psychology and it was also rejected. All the doors that I knocked closed on me.

My morale was at an all-time low.

I started to curate my own learning and attended conferences within the field of #psychotherapy, lectures at #Stanford and #Berkeley and I read a lot. I decided that I can be a thought leader, combining my love of learning, writing and sharing. That's when I started my site- Winifred & You: Flourishing Together in 2011, exactly 10 years ago.

How did I #redefine my failure?
💙 It is okay to be lost.
💙 I accepted that there are seasons in life where I may not be creating impact in a big way. It is okay to be faithful to the small and mundane things in life.
💙 I decided that my self-worth is not dependent on what I do and how much money I have.
💙 I focused on doing what is meaningful to me.
💙 I know I can always bounce back.
 
I am grateful for the lessons that this failure have taught me. I become a wiser, more compassionate and understanding as a result.

The #RedefiningFailure campaign will be running between 11 - 15 October.  Come take part in this campaign and share your story. Tag #RedefiningFailure #CalmCollectiveAsia in your post. 

#selfdiscovery #flourishinglife #resilience #positivepsychology #adversity

This little girl was very timid and anxious but also curious about human behaviour. She grew up in a small town upstream of Rejang River in Sarawak with limited exposure. She loved reading and studying. Doing well in exams and being praised by teachers made her feel good about herself so she continued to strive for the best, which became her identity.

She learned early life that it is important to build social and relational capital. She was a good friend to those around her, sometimes to the point of ignoring her own preferences and needs. She became a people-pleaser and approval seeker without realising.

She relocated to Singapore at age 18 and a new journey of self-discovery began. She faced her first massive failure and started to feel stupid being in one of the top colleges. Yet, her superpower in being nice and great at making friends helped her through. She rebounded and did exceptionally well in the university and her confidence was restored. Armed with a good degree and positive attitude, she was ready to take on the world.

She soon learned that life is full of twists and turns, and she faced one setbacks after the other. Among others, she lasted in her first job for only 6 months, 5 months in the next. She found her calling as a Psychologist but fell ill and suffered from strokes and had to undergo two brain surgeries. It was a dark period of her life but she persisted.

In all of these, she never gave up. Today, she found her meaning and purpose in supporting individuals to pursue the relationship of their dreams as a Couple Therapist and Relationship Coach. From her own childhood, she experienced and understood the pain of being in a dysfunctional family and she works hard to help other couples and families to build a more harmonious and healthy relationship. The legacy that she hopes to leave behind to shift the mindset of individuals with regards to early intervention in couple counselling, and normalizing couple coaching as a health check.
 
This little girl is me!
 
To my precious daughter and all the little girls out there: you are worthy and enough. When you know of the strength and goodness that is within you, you will find the resilience and courage to overcome any challenges in your life and pursue dreams that will add meaning and purpose to your life. Don’t be afraid of failure and setback; they are wonderful teachers, and you are tough enough to handle them. Lean on your friends and family and invest in relationships always because at the end of the day we are social creatures whose core need is to belong.

Why am I telling you this? Because 70% of girls feel more confident about their futures after hearing from women role models.

Join me in this Inspiring girls Campaign!

Inspiring Girls International
Inspiring Girls Singapore
#ThisLittleGirlIsMe
#InspiringGirls
#InspiringWomen
#couplestherapy #relationshipcoaching

#investinmarriage

#normalisecouplecoaching #resilience

#earlyintervention #strongmarriagestrongsociety

I was reading the anniversary post that I wrote 7 years ago and realise how every words remain true. I have said it many times and will continue to say how grateful I am for the second chance in life that I have been given.

True, it was a massive disruption and detour to my life when I first got sick in 2004, and undergoing the treatment,  recovery from stroke and figuring out what to do with my life at the ripe age of 32 was very tough and painful. Looking back it was worth my effort to keep believing that something good will come out of it and there is a purpose for the suffering I had gone through. 

This month, I also want to commemorate the 10th birthday of this website - Winifred and You: Flourishing Together. I am grateful that I took the bold step then to start this space for me to share my thoughts, insights and experience, in particular for a very special group of people who suffer from Moya Moya Disease.  There was so much anxiety around how my writing will be received and concerns about judgment from those who might think that I am oversharing and so on. I struggled with that frequently and I am proud that I didn't allow that to stop me. I believe there is a space for my voice and I was determine to create it through this space.

I still love to write and share very much. I realise that I also love to read what I had written previously as it fills me with hope, inspiration and encouragement. It is my hope that I will get back to regular writing as I have much to share especially in the area of my expertise in equipping individuals with the skills to pursue the relationship of their dreams. Strong marriage leads to strong society. Much work needs to be done in this area to educate and intervene early. That's a story for another day and believe me, you will hear lots about it from me in the near future.

Thank you for reading this and for celebrating with me. I may or may not know you, dear reader but I appreciate your time in reading my post. Whatever situation you may in, I like to wish you peace, joy and strength.

May you be well,

May you be enough,

May you be secure,

May you live with ease.

Let's flourish together.

I attended a beautiful funeral mass today and feel so privileged to be among many who mourned the loss of an incredible woman. The church was filled to the brim on a weekday afternoon, the choir (who practiced an hour before) sang beautifully and the tribute given by the family was moving. There were also plenty of tears.

Last year, I attended at least five funeral masses and at each one I cried. To be honest, it was quite exhausting emotionally. It is not always an indication of my closeness to the deceased, for one or two of them I barely knew them. Yet, I cried.

I cry because I know how it feels like to lose someone close. I lost my dad almost 18 years ago. Even though the grief is not as intense, the void will always be there. At every funeral mass that I attend, I recall my own loss and share in the loss of the mourners. And so, I allow myself to cry and express my grief at funeral.

An insight came to me today that tears are proof that we love and care. And what a privilege it is that we have such close relationships in our lives that it hurts so bad when death happens. I think about the recent news that I have heard on social media of police looking for the next-of-kin-of those who passed away alone at the hospice or hospital. How tragic and sad it is to leave the world and no one significant cares.

What everyone craves primarily is connection and a sense of belonging. To belong, we necessarily will be hurt when the person we are in relationship with leaves us. This is inevitable.

The shift that happened in me is this; when I cry at funeral it means that I have cared or loved. There is also the feeling of gratitude that I have the chance to encounter this person in my life and witness how the individual had lived a life that’s meaningful, inspiring and impactful.

Let’s not shy away from tears and sadness; even as we celebrate the life of the deceased and have hope that one day, we will all reunite again in heaven. Tears are proof that we love and care.

One of the rituals that I practise after living in the US is to pause on Thanksgiving Day.  While we do not usually have a feast, I make it point to reflect and jot down what I am grateful for. This year, my gratitude list is long.

The series of events that happened the past week blew my mind and I am grateful for the spirit of courage, authenticity and vulnerability. This in fact has been the theme for me this year.

It started on Friday when I shared my perspective on PSLE and how there are more important life skills that we need to cultivate in order to face unexpected challenges in life.

On Sunday, the podcast that I had recorded earlier was launched – Getting Naked with Happiness with Stephen Lew. It was my first experience in doing a podcast and  definitely an exercise on vulnerability and courage.

To reinforce the lesson on the same, I had my first radio interview on CNA 938 on Monday evening. Prior to the interview, I was actually quite frazzled as I was late and the car that had I booked was cancelled. I dislike being late. Upon reaching the building, I was informed that my NRIC had not been registered!

I got to the studio about 10 minutes to 9 pm and when I met the presenter, Joshua Vong, his friendliness and warmth helped me to settle down quickly. I even managed to do a few rounds of deep breathing exercise to recenter myself.

I had such a great experience during the interview. While it was painful to recall those days where a constant dark cloud was hanging over me, I am thankful for the person I have become through that phoenix process. Because of my second lease in life, I strive to live my life more intentionally and with great meaning and purpose.

On Tuesday, we had our book club and the book we read was The Gift of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. I truly marvel at the timing of it all! We had such an open, meaningful and authentic conversations on the topic that all of us left the group feeling a deeper sense of connection and belonging towards one another. What a gift indeed!

I have so much to be grateful for this year; mostly for my exponential growth, challenges, vulnerability and courage to put myself out there and dare greatly. I learn to embrace setback and failures, and to be persistent in doing the next right thing.

I remind myself constantly of the fact that God equips those whom He has chosen and that my effort is more important than the outcome. I offer up my five loaves and two fishes and take the invitation from the Lord to walk on water with Him.

On this thanksgiving day, I want to express my gratitude to God for the lessons and opportunities that He has given me; for placing me among like-minded individuals who are passionate in pursuing our mission in being witnesses in the marketplace and work towards building a society that we hope to see. I am grateful for my deep desire and commitment for learning and growth, and my continued effort to pursue excellence in all that I do.

Wishing you a blessed thanksgiving day!

I was in an interesting position today.

When I arrived at a favourite food stall, I discovered to my dismay, I didn't have my wallet. These days, there are many places which allow for cashless payment but this stall didn't.

What should I do?  In my mind, I had two options:

1. Sulk, blame myself for not bringing my wallet and feed myself from a cashless stall.

2. Find a solution.

The solution that I could think of at that time was to borrow cash from someone and offer to transfer the money first. I have never done this before and I wasn't sure if anyone would be open to doing that.

In spite of my discomfort, I approached the lady in the queue, explained my predicament and asked if she would be willing to help me. After the initial surprise, she agreed. I was delighted and quickly did the transfer in her presence and once the transaction went through, she handed me the cash!

Woo hoo. I managed to get the coveted food and I savoured it deeply, literally and metaphorically,  for the lesson it has taught me.

The lesson is this:

When you want something badly enough, you will step out of your comfort zone, be creative about how you can achieve your goal and act on it.

It helps that I am an avid foodie and I was single-minded about wanting to eat that particular dish.

How would you have chosen? What are you willing to do to achieve your goals?

How can you tap into your strengths and think out of the box to get creative solution?

As we celebrate World Mental Health Day (10/10), I pause to remember the patients/clients whom I have worked with in the past 17 years. I want to recognize and honour their courage, resilience and grit in continue living even though it is so hard.

I am heartened that there are more open conversations on mental health compared to a decade ago. Earlier this year there was even the inaugural Singapore Mental Health Film Festival. More sufferers are willing to step forward courageously to share their stories to encourage and inspire fellow sufferers. All of these efforts are pointing in the right direction and we should persist.

What makes mental illness so painful is the shame that individuals feel; the fact that they are less than, inadequate, weak and worthless. Society has not arrived at a place where we can talk about it as openly as our physical health. At least, no one is hesitant to get a medical certificate from a general practitioner but one from Institute of Mental Health, no way!

How can we reduce the stigma of mental illness?

I have one suggestion that I like to propose and it is as follows:

we need to start sharing our “failure” or “screwed up” stories.

Every person undergoes challenges in life and experiences deep pain for various reasons.

For someone who suffers from mental illness, the natural thought is that “I am alone in this. Everyone but I can deal with life.” He/she looks around and sees “successful” people who seem to have it all and feel demoralised.

We, the supposed “successful” people have in some way perpetuate the stigma of mental illness by keeping silence and not share our pain openly.

Recently, I shared with a client of my struggle with anxiety and she was surprised because outwardly I appear mostly calm and confident. I believe my story gave her hope that if my therapist can overcome and learn to manage her anxiety, so can I.

The challenge that I want to extend to everyone is this: share your struggles, not just your victory.

When something painful is a common experience, there isn’t a need to hide the secret any longer and we can better support one another. Truthfully, all of us has some form of dysfunction; it is only a matter of degree and how well we manage it.

I shall walk the talk and share the times when I felt like a failure.

·     After getting a scholarship to come to study at a top Junior College, I did so poorly for my promo exam that I was put on probation. That was my first taste of failure as I had been an excellent student up until that point. My self-esteem took a hit and I seriously considered quitting school and return to my hometown. I persisted.

·     Being diagnosed with Moya Moya Disease and suffering stroke where I lost the ability to read and write and my right visual field.

·     The first year of my marriage was really tough. It caught me by surprise as we had a wonderful courtship and seemed to get along really well. We went through several challenges, including my brain surgeries and stroke. I was left confused and disillusioned. The upside of it is that I started to learn more about what makes relationship work and I ended up discovering my call and passion.

·     Infertility. As we looked forward to expanding our family, we received bad news after bad news with each visit to different specialists. I seriously felt that perhaps something was wrong with me that I was not good enough to be a mother. After 4 years, we had wanted to give up when our miracle baby came along.

·     The years that I was a trailing wife, I lost my sense of identity and I watched my peers moving ahead in their career and life while I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life at age 32. I couldn’t let go of the narrow definition of success. I was a nobody. It took me 3 years to re-calibrate and find my voice and I started my blog- Winifred & You, Flourishing Together.

The above wasn’t easy to write; it’s not what we usually do and it feels risky and uncomfortable.

That’s the challenge; are we ready to share and reveal the pain that we too keep in our hearts?

To de stigmatize mental illness, we need to acknowledge and embrace authenticity and vulnerability. As long as we breathe, we hurt. We fall and we rise.

Let’s share our resilient stories so that everyone else will be inspired to do the same. In so doing, we kill shame because it no longer has a hold on us.

Will you join me? #killshame #resilientstory

The article was first published on LinkedIn on 11/10/19

A question that I was asked recently is “how do I know when my relationship is ailing, and that intervention is needed”?  In other words, what are the warning signs that you should watch out for in order to take actions? Let’s examine the following:

1.    Lack of awareness, interest and knowledge

A strong and healthy relationship is one where both partners care and pay attention to what’s going on in each other’s life. Failing that, you lose the moments when you can connect and the sense that you are cherished is absent. When you are clueless and do not care about the external and internal world of your partner, it is a clear sign that your relationship is ailing.

2.    Feeling lonely in the relationship

There is an increase in feeling unappreciated, invisible and a lack of connection with your partner. You behave more like a housemate (and co-parent), and the conversations that you have are mostly functional. You can’t remember the last time you have a meaningful dialogue, much less feeling cared for. You start thinking the worst of the other and there is a negative sentiment override that signals trust is broken.

3.    Living a parallel life

Parallel lives happen when you no longer do things as a couple. Work may take you on many business trips and even when you’re back home, you and your partner have your own activities. Even though you live in the same house and sleep on the same bed, there is minimal communication and intimacy. This emotional distance and disengagement is a very hard place to be, a clear warning sign.

4.    No physical intimacy and sex

While there are periods of time when healthy couples do not actively engage in sex, it is a problem when one partner feels that the need is not being met. He or she feels frustrated and rejected to the point of resentment. Open communication is missing to express what lies behind the hurt and when this is not forthcoming, the relationship is in trouble.

5.    The waiting games

Unlike earlier days of the relationship where one partner (or both) was proactive in showing affection, expressing gratitude or initiating a date, the attitude now has changed to “why should I do it when he/she doesn’t bother?” The benefit of a doubt that you used to give to your partner is now replaced by suspicion and negative sentiment. The attitude is that of “I don’t want to risk getting hurt or rejected by taking the first move.”

6.    Comparison and keeping scores

As a social being, there is a great tendency to observe what other couples do for each other, compare them to what you and your partner are doing and feeling resentful about it. This behavior is detrimental because you stop seeing the good in your partner and start focusing on what is lacking. Expecting your partner to behave like your friend’s partner isn’t going to compel him/her to behave the same way. In fact, it conveys the message that “you are not good enough” and that’s hurtful.

7.    Stop being kind and respectful, and contempt is present

You might have heard that familiarity breeds contempt. Many at times, the people closest to us get the worst treatment. Instead of making requests, demands and complaints are being made. You stop minding the “please and thank you” and start taking your partner for granted. When your spouse feels that you’re kinder to everyone else but him/her, something is wrong with the picture. Treat your partner as you would your best friend. Relationship experts have found that the biggest predictor of divorce is contempt.

8.    Forgetting your love story and dreams.

Couples who are deeply in love remember details of their relationship. This is important as it strengthens the commitment they give to each other. These details become fuzzy when you stop giving attention to them. As the memory of your relationship starts to wane, you forget what brought you together and the dreams that you’ve shared. When that memory is gone, it is easier to give up on the relationship because it is no longer meaningful.

Please seek help by (reading up, speaking to trusted friends, seeing a relationship coach or couples therapist) should you have more than half of the warning signs. Relationship is like a plant that needs to be nurtured and it suffers when no attention is given. You reap what you sow.

If there are topics that you'd like me to address, please email me your suggestion at Ask Winifred. See you there.

As we celebrate children’s day, I am humbled as I reflect on what my 6-year-old has taught me. Truly, she has been a good teacher and she constantly invites me to be a better version of myself. Here are the key lessons that I have learned from my child.

1.     Stay in the present

I love to watch her engage in activities. When she plays, her focus is always on the present moment and it is seldom that she is distracted. When something unpleasant happens, she stays in the moment and expresses her frustration or sadness, and once the feelings are out she is ready to move on. When she is happy, her joy is pure and it's reflected on her face. She does it so effortlessly.

2.     Be free to express yourself

When I was a child, I was super self-conscious, and I was always fearful of judgement. I feel so gratified to see her being so free to express herself either through dance, art, story, and emotions. What I am most proud of is the fact that she is courageous enough to tell me when I have done something wrong and that she trusts me to be able to handle it.

3.     Quick to forgive and unconditional love

A child’s love is so pure and healing. There was a period of time when I was gripped by my own insecurity that I started to push her in her reading. I expressed my frustration and disappointment when she couldn’t read and as a 5-year-old, she was confused as her mummy who had always been kind, had turned into a monster who terrified her. When I realized my mistake and apologized to her, she was quick to forgive me and show her love.

4.     Be gentle and patient.

“Happy the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth”. I hardly experience or think much about gentleness till I have a child who is gentle. She speaks softly and gently and is sensitive to loud voices. I remember when she was 3 years old, I gave her a massage and it didn’t hit the spot. She waited for a while before telling me the way preferred. This year, I had the pleasure of her coaching me how to thread water. Again, she was gentle in giving her feedback and was super encouraging. She has the right disposition to be a good teacher.

5.     Play and take risk

From her, I discover that children learn about risks through playing. It is not always easy to trust that she can make her own assessment but I was greatly rewarded as she gained confidence and trust in herself. At a playground one day, there were several older kids and they were jumping from one structure to another. I noticed her observing them and making her assessment. When she decided that it wasn’t safe, she turned around and did her own thing. She isn't pressured into behaving like others and has a good sense of herself.

6.     Being resilient

She was born preterm at 32 weeks and spent the first 5 weeks of her life in the hospital. Consequently, she had a couple of conditions that had to be monitored and went through several procedures. One that I remember clearly was for her heart. The monitor indicated that she was in distress and yet she didn’t fuss. Amazing. These days, she continues to show resilience when she falls and trips, and almost always she believes in picking herself up and bounces back.

7.     Courage

By her own admittance, she is courageous. She shows courage by trying new things and experiences. It is quite a joy to bring her on travels with us because she is open to new experience. This year, she attended an overnight camp with her graduating class and was thrilled about it. More importantly, she shows courage by owning up to her wrongdoing and standing up for what is right. I hope that she will continue to be courageous in being true to who she is.

One of the most fundamental lessons that I learn as a parent is that I need to recognize and appreciate my child for who she is; not who I want her to be. When she has the freedom to be who she is, she thrives as we nurture and provide the right environment for her.

Let’s remember that:

“Every child is a different kind of flower, and all together, make this world a beautiful garden.

Happy children’s day!

What have you learned from your child(ren)?

Recently, I reread an old blog post (dated 24 June 2005) on the topic of on finding “the one”. It brought back good memories of those days when I was newly in love and feeling so excited that I finally found “the one”. Thankfully, after 15 years he remains “the one” albeit older.

With the benefit of a hindsight and the fact that I am now a specialist in romantic relationship, I like to tackle this topic once again, examining the criteria that I had used then. Let’s look at the criteria that I had used in determining that my now husband of 11 years is “the one”

1.     Free to be myself.

Right from the first meeting that we had, I felt comfortable being myself as we interacted. The conversation was easy, and I could sense that he was being authentic as well. As trust builds between us, we continue to reveal our true self, good and bad, to each other. When you feel that you are not free to be who you are in the relationship, this is a warning sign that he/she is not “the one”.

2.     The relationship is life-giving.

In the past 15 years, we have grown as individuals and as a couple. While there are fundamental differences between us and conflict resulting from them, we know that we are good for each other. This motivates us to work harder to communicate and understand each other. Growth is a key ingredient. The relationship gives me a sense of purpose to keep striving and be a better version of myself.

3.     Trust and reliability

Quoting from my earlier post –“I know that I’m his priority not just because he tells me that often but his actions show it. I can honestly say that I can wrap my life and put it inside a box and give the box to him to manage”. Trust is one of the foundations of relationship. There is no perfect relationship so there are times when the trust is violated. What’s more important is the effort in building that trust again when injury happens.

4.     We against the world

“Can this person go through hardship with me?” is a valid question that we should ask. It takes two hands to clap in the relationship and while it is hardly equal, both must be willing to go through challenges in life together. When I got to know my husband, I already had a rare disease. He made the decision to stick by me when he could have given up; and that says so much of the person that he is. To have a resilient relationship, the individuals in that partnership must be willing to face challenges with courage and determination.

5.     Commitment to each other

When we found each other, we were ready for long-term commitment and couldn’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together. You know you’ve found the one when you stop thinking if there was someone “better” out there. To have a lasting relationship, it is critical to choose and invest in the relationship daily and not take it for granted.

6.     Shared dreams

“Two is better than one” was a phrase I heard at a wedding many years ago. This is another factor to consider. Dreams drive us to strive hard, something that we live for. I believe that when a couple decides to get married, there is always a dream that they share. The shared dream that my husband and I had were to experience life together, be supportive of each other’s dreams and raise a happy family together. There is much room for each of us to pursue our mission in life and be willing to make certain sacrifices to support the other.

What I didn’t know that I do today about finding “the one” is that there is no perfect relationship; only good enough relationship. Also, I cannot count on my relationship to give me happiness because that is not the point the point of a marriage. Falling in love is easy; staying and making that commitment to love even when it’s difficult is another story. A lasting relationship is one where both partners put in the effort to understand self, stay connected and practice kindness, generosity and forgiveness.

It feels like a blink of an eye that 12 years have elapsed since my second brain surgery in 2007. As I reflect on the years that have passed, I marvel at how far I have come and the numerous opportunities and life experiences that I have had as a result of that decision. Even though I suffered a stroke that took away my peripheral vision and part of my working memory, I live a full and meaningful life. And life continues to surprise me and invites me to grow and flourish.

I made an impactful decision last September (on 17 September no less) to go back to school and did a Graduate Diploma in Applied Positive Psychology. As readers of this blog will know, I have been a fervent believer and practitioner of the field since a decade ago and I wanted to pursue deeper by enrolling in the course. I am pleased to share that I've completed the course in May.

What i didn't expect is that the course has reignited the passion and drive that has laid dormant for many years. In the company of fellow learners and seekers, my love for learning and drive for excellence was rekindled in ways that were beyond my expectation. I was truly nervous when I had to write my first academic paper last year because the previous time I did that, it was in year 2000! However, as I got into the groove on researching and writing, I felt like I was coming home. I am also grateful to my classmates and lecturers for the dynamic and fertile environment for learning.

I feel like a switch in me has been turned on and my passion in working with couples is reaffirmed. For one of my papers, I wrote about what I have observed and identified as the problems in couples therapy and the strategies that I have in mind in overcoming the problems. The process in preparing that paper gave such clarity to me that I now have a crystal-clear idea of my mission in life. If there is one thing that I hope to leave as a legacy it is this: that I have made a difference in shifting mindset of individuals with regards to early intervention in couple counselling and normalizing couple coaching as a health check. Divorce rate will hopefully go down when there are skill-based programmes that equip couples who are transitioning into parenthood with growth mindset and resilience. Ultimately, we will have a stronger society and future because children can focus fully on their natural development when their parents are thriving in the marriage. 

In September 2011, I launched this blog - Winifred & You - with the main intention of sharing my expertise and knowledge. I enjoy writing and sharing, and it is the perfect platform for me to communicate with all of you. Ever since the arrival of my daughter, the writing has taken a backseat. However, I have always known that there will be a season where I will return to it. Guess what? That time is now! I have made up my mind to invest my time in writing articles relating to relationship and marriage based on the research of scientists in the field of relationship as well as in positive psychology. Knowledge is power. With it we can make educated choices towards the goals that we have for ourselves and our families.

I want to thank you in advance for your support. Do let me know of the topics that are of interest to you and I will do my best to meet your requests. I am so grateful that September remains a truly special month after all these years.

Happy 12^th anniversary to me! I have a strong feeling that a new chapter in my work and life is about to begin. I am filled with immense gratitude for all the gifts that God has bestowed on me that I can use them in the service of others. What an honour it is that I can co-create with God and in so doing, I find my meaning, flow and accomplishment.