http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_l.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085 WINKsite Powered Feed en-us support@winksite.com http://backend.userland.com/rss Thu, 31 May 2012 03:35:13 EDT 33.433334-112.01667 http://winksite.com/images/wink_link.gif http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_l.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085 88 31 Today i finally met Christian. Yes I know it is a STUPID reason to travel somewhere but it was one of million reasons for comming to San Francisco. He was everything that I expected, sweet, caring, but at the same time i could sense something was missing, it could have been me 100% but it just not the way I wanted to meet him. I am not angry or mad at him, nor am i like miffed that he is dating someone, its just I don't know. I had this picture of him in my head. That he was almost angelic, perfect in his imperfections and just an increadable person, warm affectionate, passionate and while i sense some of that today... i dont know like i said it could all be me, it could all be me looking to the past for someone that was in love with me, someone stable and well near perfect. Someone who saw me for me. And didnt play fucking games with me. Grr... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9892 Sun, 21 Sep 2008 00:39:00 EDT What is on my mind... i hate well everything. I miss being held, i miss holding someone. I am tired of guys who just play games, they tell me they want me, that they like me. Then well nothing, i dont hear from them, i try to talk with them and they just ignore me, or hid from me or if they do respond its vacant. So yeah, i am sitting here about to go on the biggest adventure of my short life and well. i dont know what to say. or how to act. Maybe i should just quit. FUCK MEN! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9890 Fri, 19 Sep 2008 01:23:02 EDT Have you ever wanted to be more then sexy? Have you ever just wanted a boy to like you for who you are and not just a sex toy? I was thinking of that earlier, I think I am so sexual becuase I think that is the only reason boys will notice me. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9881 Tue, 16 Sep 2008 03:52:38 EDT She did it again. My fucking mother did it again. I didnt even go see her this time. And really don't think I will the entire time. She isnt worth my energy and time. I still love her and I always will, but she needs help. I cant give it to her. Oh well nighty night time. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9859 Sun, 07 Sep 2008 07:55:05 EDT I want someone to call me beautiful. I am tired of being the one who initiates the converstaion, i want someone to pull me close and just crave to be near me. I want someone to call me just because, text just because. show up just because, DO ANYTHING JUST BECAUSE!!! Maybe I am just too fucking demanding, maybe I am just too fucking gross, or monsterous. Maybe i am meant to be alone, just give up and run, far far away. I feel stupid, I am just so fucking stupid. i give so much, i understand, i am patient, i give chances, and what the fuck does it get me, a thank you and a pat of the back. its not just with men, its work, family, school, everything. 110 fucking percent, and nothing. FUCKING NOTHING!!! And still I can not cry, I can not express my emotions except for this blog. And Travis, please say nothing. It will just be deleted. Sorry not being an ass, but you had your chance, and honestly, you lost it. YOU LOST IT! See when guys have it, they don't want it. But once they no longer have it, HA HA HA, thats all they want. Why can't someone just want it, and stick with it? http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9857 Fri, 05 Sep 2008 22:37:30 EDT Ugh, i am so fed up with boys. All of them! I want a real fucking man, damn it. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9855 Thu, 04 Sep 2008 02:05:41 EDT What am I to you? Am just something to tide you over for now? Do I make you happy? Do you make me happy? I just want to feel real love. Its weird, I miss feeling it, I miss the connections. I need someone in my arms, to keep me safe from harm. But is this just a want? What is it you want? Who is it you want? Is it me? http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9853 Tue, 02 Sep 2008 02:35:05 EDT I have had so much disapointment, stress, and drama this week its crazy. I am sad, sick to my stomach and yes, i have had more klonopin then i have in the last 3 months. I am tired of boys, boys who say they want one thing but then in the end dont want it. I want to friend, a boyfriend, a partner, a lover. I dont want to do all the fucking work, i want dependent independence. Maybe that the thing, maybe to get what I want I have to do everything. I am the one who has to be patient, i am the one who has to make the effort to see someone. I am the one who has to smile no matter how he feels. So my relationships will be like work, SWEET! Thats right folks, i am putting on the fake smile again. This time it is plastered to my face with everyone in management. There is 1 manager for every 1.3 employees. Can we say top heavy. Thank god for porn! Klonopin and Smirnoff Ice Triple Black, I would be crazy as hell! well a little more then usual. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9836 Sat, 23 Aug 2008 21:16:18 EDT i have lost all respect for someone. I am tired of the people in my life hurting me. Being so fucking selfish, but when i am selfish i am WRONG. Its funny, really. I just want someone who understands me, who wants more then what they have and is willing to work for it. while i am writing this i have the weirdest song stuck in my head, i havent heard it in forever but still its weird. Would you dance if I asked you to dance? Would you run and never look back? Would you cry if you saw me crying? And would you save my soul, tonight? http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9831 Fri, 22 Aug 2008 02:31:45 EDT I think I am a sick of love. The stories on the TV, the dreams put forth by the movies. I look at them all, and I miss them. I miss that feeling, but I hate that feeling. Hate is a strong word, but it fits, I want it, but cant have it. I get close and I pull away. I get close to someone and they pull away. My heart is broken by the dumbest things, and I know I have broken a heart or two, or at least I think I have. Who am I, and what do I want? I ask myself that and what do I see, what do I hear the voice in my head say& nothing. I have this dream in the back of my head, this life that I see myself living, and I think I am getting there, I think things are going that direction, but it hurts, to go in that direction. It hurts so much, because I dont know what I see. It fucking sucks being an adult. It sucks even more not being able to cry, when I try nothing comes out. And damnit, I am tired of using the word I. it blows, I hear myself saying it and I roll my own eyes. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9796 Sun, 20 Jul 2008 01:27:23 EDT any fucking thing. I really don't. I have a family that is crazy. i am being coddled because i am relocation virgin. and i am just tired of dealing with everyone elses bullshit! Honestly I am. i have an employee that i am working right now. GREEDIEST FUCKING CUNT EVER! He is an asshole. His agent is amazing! But he is a fucking jerk, he needs to slapped and be told to stop his bitching. My manager is worse! Disorganized her self, they keep treating me like this is going to be too much. I have had a 110 homesale file case load, working with 3 mds, and 3 different clients. These 2 fucking clients and maybe 12 homesale files are not going to kill me! She wants me to do an init call with her listening in. I am not fucking stupid! maybe i just need to stop caring, stop being so smart, and live up to the way i am being treated right now, a dumb fuck! I am depressed, angry and fed up! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9744 Thu, 10 Jul 2008 23:46:02 EDT I am scared. I am so closed to falling apart, knocking down the walls, and just starting over. I have too many wonderful things going on in my life that I dont know how to deal with them. School, work, friendships and everything else. I am just scared. THats all. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9666 Sun, 22 Jun 2008 04:05:57 EDT So I just feel weird... And well I feel like I am missing something in my life. I dont know what it is. In the past month, I have moved in a new house, by myself, i have started yet a new job, helped my mom though one of the scariest times of my life, I just want to be something, a someone, i want to be more then I am, i want more then common place. I just want... what do I want? http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9623 Sun, 08 Jun 2008 20:28:32 EDT So I met a guy, he is really really sweet, great kisser and well hot as hell. Oh and stable, I think. Not getting my hopes up too much, just letting things flow, lets see how it goes. I am not getting my hopes up, just really like this guy, did i mention he was stable! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9489 Thu, 08 May 2008 02:12:02 EDT there are few things i love more in life then failure... no seriously... i am okay, just want someone to take serious interest in me and want me for more then sex or when they need me. i have had 2 people come back into my life, and well, i dont know how i feel about, one is pushy, and the other just, well lets just say things never change. I am back at work, in a call center no less, and well, its not me, i am no body's bitch anymore, but i smile and I take that call. woohoo, moving, was supposed to move today but its be pushed back to the 16th, cant wait, ill be on my own, but need it. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9479 Sun, 04 May 2008 00:58:50 EDT I will never understand men. All men, gay, straight, bi, confused, scared, afraid. Not one, but two of my ex's, out of the blue, messaged me in the last 36 hours, and said to me they were sorry for the way they treated me. I mean, what the hell? I have one that wants more, and one that is as vague as ever. But I told the one that wants more, the same thing i am telling myself, I NEED TO GET MY LIFE BACK IN ORDER. I am trying. I got a job! WooHoo, its a job, that is actually going to be good for me, i can advance, but i am not looking for that, i am looking for somewhere i can work until I finish school. Dont get me wrong, I am going to give 100%, i am not going to slack, but i am not going to do more then is asked of me. I have done that too much with jobs. As for the title... Romance est plus alors mots, well it is... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9359 Tue, 08 Apr 2008 00:06:09 EDT Okay so i know i am not perfect. Just look at my moobies and spare tires... But I finally getting ahead in life. I am making headway in many departments. Whats great, I have a job, I start in 25.5 hours. And I might, maybe, sorta, kinda, will be moving. Don't know yet. We'll see. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9344 Sun, 06 Apr 2008 05:25:15 EDT OH... MY... GOD!!! I got the job! I got the job! I worked hard, and I got the job. I will admit I did give up on myself, and I honestly was surprised I got the second interview, but i did, and i got the job. I even passed the background check! WOOHOO!!! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9303 Thu, 27 Mar 2008 13:26:03 EDT Thats right bitches. I am so fucking tired of being so fucking nice to everyone and then when i am not getting shit for it. My goal in life is to just treat others as I want to be treated. Give them space, listen to them when they need me, just be a good person. BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO I GET, BITCHED AT, IGNORED, AND FORGOTTEN. Maybe i sound a little dramatic, but fuck, i just feel worthless right now. I am tired of working so hard to get nothing in return. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9251 Wed, 19 Mar 2008 11:40:24 EDT Well well well, i said no drama, well I lied, a little. Just family shit. Everything happens for a reason right... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9232 Sun, 16 Mar 2008 20:18:13 EDT Okay, what have I done do deserve all this. I am so tired of FAILING at everything. What sucks even more, a very important person in my life is going through something terrible and there is nothing I can do. I have had it, LIFE FUCKING BLOWS! I am sitting at school right now, and I just want to cry, just fucking ball like there is no tomorrow my new catch phrase is ITCOULDBEWORSE http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9196 Wed, 12 Mar 2008 18:39:06 EDT Thats right, I want a real relationship. I want to date, go out, i want to have someone to spend time with, without me being the only one to ask all the time. I want someone I dont get mixed messages from every other day. Hell I just want someone to go out with. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9175 Sun, 09 Mar 2008 00:20:47 EDT I wanted to take a moment to comment on some stellar customer service I received recently from one of your tellers at your 20th Street & Camelback Rd location in Phoenix, AZ. I have been a Wachovia customer for a little under 6 months. I recently was let go from my job and was having a streak of bad luck. My streak continued this week after depositing a 401k check to my Wachovia account. The funds were put on hold which I completely understand, but I needed some of the funds immediately. Jerry offered to make $200 of the deposit available immediately, that was fine with me. The following morning when I check my account, not only do I have a negative balance, but I have $210 in overdraft fees. I freaked out! I call customer service and they advise that I was overdrawn due to the held funds. At this point I was truly upset because I was promised by Jerry that the funds would be available. I visit the branch to speak with Jerry directly in regards to the situation. Jerry not only takes ownership of the situation but worked diligently to resolve the issue. After a period of time, Jerry could not fully resolve the issue with me in the branch, and offers to call me later in the day, WHICH HE DID!!! Even though he had not fully resolved the problem, he actually called me back and told me that he was still working on the situation. The following day another branch associate calls me to tell me that the $210 in overdraft fees were reversed. This experience has not only convinced me to remain a Wachovia customer but recommend your bank to all of my friends. Thank you Jerry for all your help, it is greatly appricated! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9159 Thu, 28 Feb 2008 06:01:01 EDT I swear to god, my life is fucking shit! Okay so here is my day thus far. I wake up go to the social security office and apply for a new social security card, this takes me 5 minutes and I am pleasantly surprised, i hoped this was the way the rest of may day went. I am laughing now... Then I went to go check my PO BOX to see if I got my checks from Prudential, one for my 401k but no payroll check (more to come on this later), i take the 401k check to wachovia to deposit it, i am told they need to hold it until march 5th, but the manager says he can release $200 now so I can buy work clothes, totally cool! Then i get a call from someone who is verifying my employment with BWI, FUCKING PRUDENTIAL'S VERIFICATION SERVICE IS SHOWING THAT MY LAST DAY OF EMPLOYMENT WAS IN APRIL 2007!!! THEY TELL ME THAT THIS IS WHAT PRUDENTIAL FED TO THEM! So i call my local HR contact who is by far the most useless person i know, and she tells me that she is amazed they even have anything on me at this time. And tells me to call them back and correct the information. I do this but FUCKING Prudential still needs to verify it, god i hope this doesnt fuck other jobs up! So I call the global HR number for Prudenthell, to find out the status of the check for the 4 hours they owe me. After spending close to an hour on the phone they tell me it was delivered yesterday to my post office. Well the post office had it, but it wasnt sorted yet, it was just on a fucking table! So i get this check and i go over to my friend Barrys to help him finish moving. His roomie bought me stumpy's for dinner... YUMMY!!! All is fine the rest of the evening, i finish with them, go to circuit city to get a print cartridge, go to frys to do some grocery shopping, go rent some movies, deposit the 4 hour check and i try to fall asleep. Not being able to i log in on my phone to my wachovia account to see what is going on. When i logged off my computer earlier i had and available balance of $35 and some change, perfect for what i owed on auths, when i logged in to check my balance i have a negative $422.68 that included $210 in overdraft fees. i calmly call wachovia customer service and they tell me that they can not release a portion of the deposit and that the manager should not have done that. So now i am wide awake, pissed the fuck off and honestly I am trying my hardest to not drive to the wachovia right now and wait at the front door to be the first in the building. What the fuck did i do to deserve this shit! honestly, am i that bad of a person, did i fuck over the wrong person. Please god, please tell me. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9155 Tue, 26 Feb 2008 03:53:58 EDT Just a little. I am just in a weird spot, i cant seem to make anyone happy lately. I want someone who can pull me in the their arms and want me, kiss me, hold me. And tell me it is going to be all okay. I want to be romanced, flowers from my man, a call just because, just wanting to be near me. I know if i wait it will come. Is it trying to hard to want someone, who wants me... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9139 Wed, 20 Feb 2008 02:21:28 EDT I dont care anymore and that pisses me off so fucking much! I am done i cant stand this, i am a good person, i am generally nice. i offer to help people out. i offer to help, i work hard and what do i get in return a fucking voicemail telling me i am fired. fuck them all. fuck everyone! i am done! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9134 Mon, 18 Feb 2008 02:06:17 EDT UNEMPLOYED! Thats right i was canned on friday. He is the email i sent to a good number of my friends at Prudential. as many of you may know, a business decision was made and I am no longer with Prudential. I can say that it has truly been a pleasure working with each and everyone of you. I will miss all of you. Terri, Thank you for believing in me. Take good care of my roses. Ooh and we need to keep up with the brother and sisters thing. Leslie, What can I say, you are a great friend, I will truly miss you. And I still owe you some cornbread. FYI... you have a date with me to go see Momma Mia in the theater. Jaylene, well work wife what are you going to do with out me, oh wait actually get work done. Vicki, You better not forget about me. I want an invite to your wedding damn it! Michele, I believe in you, I know you are a great person and a wonderful counselor. Ooh we need to go shopping soon. Yvette, god I hope you are ready for it Jodi, You were more then TNA to me, but those were good too. Fern, Give them hell! Angelique, girl, I am gonna keep chewing on my ice, and yes second floor ice is better Mary, Even with a hole in your nose you are a great lady and a great manager! Becky, Give the bear hell for me. Alice, well my grandma liked you so you must have been a great lady, no matter what terry says. Yesenia, you got my number, better not ignore me now... I miss work guys, I really do, its crazy. But I know this is for the best and hell its just a job. Its their loss not mine. Keep in touch, god why does this feel like high school... OHH WAIT!!! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9131 Sat, 16 Feb 2008 21:28:40 EDT Well I have another lonely valentines day. Fucking men, we are all lying bastards. I was watching Cashmere Mafia, this morning and every single man with few exceptions is cheating on someone or another. Why do we need to cheat, why can we not just be happy with who we are with. I will also admit I am not perfect, I have cheated. But i want someone to want me, to be with me. To treat me like he wants me, and not try and break up with me every 2 weeks. To need to see me, hold me, kiss me. I want someone who isnt ready to settle down but is ready to have fun and be themselves and explore and learn. I want somebody stable. Where has romance gone? http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9126 Thu, 14 Feb 2008 05:39:28 EDT 3 fucking loans and i got declined for all fucking 3. I hate this. I just want to go to school, and now i have to wait until July at the earliest. I fucking hate this shit, first work, then school, what are you going to take away from me next! I just want a fucking break, i just want something to happen and have it be fucking good. Please, pretty please! Anyways, I still havent heard from my job. If something happens, i bet it will happen after tomorrow because they announce their earnings tomorrow well later today. Fuck it... McDonalds here i come! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9104 Wed, 06 Feb 2008 04:13:58 EDT I have had an interesting morning. I got put on admistrative leave with pay, and the possiblity that by this time next week i may not have a job. I dont know what to do, i dont know what to say. I have applied for jobs online so we will have to see where it goes. But i was thinking about it, in 17 days I would have been there for 3 years and FULLY VESTED IN MY 401(k), now, that is hanging in the balance. I miss the old days, where I respected as an employee, and treated as a valued resource, and not a scape goat. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9086 Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:44:29 EDT when am I going to be good enough. It just seems like no matter what I do for anyone anywhere is good enough. some people love me, some people hate me. what is it about me that makes people so indifferent when it comes to my surveys. I got written up at work for having year end service results of 76%. where am I going wrong, what am I doing wrong, no one can give me a straight fucking answer. when I ask for feed back, I get the same bs every time. who knows anymore. maybe I just want someone to care about me on my management team. maybe I am just so burnt out that I have a flipping ulcer, and everytime I am here I have stomachaches. maybe I am just a whiney bitch who is just complaining to complain, who isn't happy with anything so he takes it out on his job... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9078 Sat, 26 Jan 2008 02:16:35 EDT I have this inate sense. I can tell when drama is a brewing...I know it sounds weird, but i can just tell that there is some drama brewing in my life. I know it sounds weird but i can just picture it happening. But i am remaining positive about it. if not, if positivity doesnt work, i am going invisible for a while... nah... just kidding! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9076 Fri, 25 Jan 2008 02:07:05 EDT my mom is moving back to phoenix. i am flying up on the 8th to help her move back. she is only getting $900 a month in unemployment. she cant afford to live on that, how could anyone afford to live on that! especially in denver. her rent alone with $720. Who needs heat in 10 degree weather. Pish! I am so tired of the middle class working so damn hard to get fucking no where... making fucking choices on weather or not to eat or survive. But oh wait you can go get a job for $9 an hour... oh wait... who can live on fucking $1440 a month! Anyways, i have been sick all week, got two days off work for it so its pretty sweet. got bitched at for working today becuase i took the day off. I was feeling better and getting caught up, i get guilt-tripped for not comming in but get bitched at for working from home. go figure... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9075 Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:14:00 EDT Anyways... So i am wondering what the fuck is going on... I am sick with another fucking head cold. Anyways, i was thinking earlier today, what is with this world. Why is there so much intolerance and hatred? http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9060 Mon, 21 Jan 2008 01:54:07 EDT I dont know what to say, I honestly don't know. One of the strongest people I know has lost everything. And willing to take her life because of it.... I dont know what to tell her or how to help her... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9050 Sat, 19 Jan 2008 19:08:40 EDT no i dont feel like a poser, i feel like i am trying to find perfection, but my perfection, my perfect. but it doesnt seem like it is paying off any way, i have lost weight yes, and last night at the club I got noticed and i totally got checked out. I dont know what is supposed to happen, i have the confidence, i have the control and the power, but i feel so weak, i dont know what to do any longer. I hate Prudential, i dont hate what I do, I dont hate my co-workers, i hate how there is no constants with the exception of all the negative energy comming from management. People around me that I though wanted to be around me feel so fake, like they dont want to be. Someone asked me last night who is my new confidant now that Karen has moved away, and Karen is and always will be my confidant, but i have no one local that I can call and just talk too... And then I feel bad because my problems just seem so small, so stupid, but i have no one to comisserate with, because their problems are 100 times worse. And in a way it just makes me feel stupid becuase i am so worried about my problems. But I think about it, if i am not worried about my problems, who will be, and honestly, I cant think of anyone. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9021 Sun, 13 Jan 2008 17:29:11 EDT maybe I want the impossible. I want a man who is going take care of me, make me feel special just because. I am tired of dating boys, even more tired of dating insecure "men". I know it seems totally stupid, but I want to date a man who will grab a hold of my hand, just because. who calls me just to call. who gives me shit and takes my shit. a guy who gives complements as much as he takes them. this is going to sound pathetic; but I want a guy just like me. who knows when to stop pushing, who knows, when it is okay to back away. but also knows that it is okay to push and cling. I am looking for my complement, my equal, is he out there??? I forgot to take my meds today, back on them tomorrow faking my way through life. I have some big life changes going on in the next 60-90 days, VERY GOOD life changes, that need to happen now or I am going to be stuck in this rut for life. no thank you. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D9007 Thu, 03 Jan 2008 00:33:28 EDT I love how i am nothing to most of my family. But i digress, if they want to kick me out of their lives, not my loss. So i have a novel idea, can MTV or VH1 play damn music videos! Like VH1 is doing this americas next top model modelthon... Did they for get what a music video is? OMG, i had to work today. I was there to support my client. I WAS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE DAMN BUILDING! and the client only had one person there! It was the biggest waste of money on my employers part! Well they are all about that arent they. I mean why would an american based business try and save money! Sheesh! I am sitting up. I should not have taken a nap when i got home from work... UGH!!! So not tired... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8993 Wed, 02 Jan 2008 02:28:30 EDT Been freezing my but off in Denver. Snow is great, but too damn cold I might get a white xmas... It is supposed to snow. Who knows, the weather here is weird. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8977 Mon, 24 Dec 2007 19:11:43 EDT I am sitting in the PHX airport, just had dinner and a very badly mixed vodka cranberry. But hey it did the trick. I am this close to quitting at work. I hate my boss, and not just hate, I lothe her... she is the world's biggest hypocritical bitch. Everything is her way or no way, and even when you try to be something more she shoots you down. Anyways. I am working on something new, a different look, a little more tailored less, college drop out... oh wait... um... is it just me or do people at the airport always look so sad? Anyways, at the airport, Southwest oversold the flight. This was a very very good thing. I got to spend the night in Vegas, won $80, and got $260 from southwest for giving up my seat. So sweet! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8976 Thu, 20 Dec 2007 19:09:42 EDT I dont think I will ever understand the concept of an open relationship. Way too many factors and one too many things that can go wrong. I've never experienced it but i have know people in open relationships who have lost the first partner because the other one loved a new guy more. Same goes for triads, I just dont get them. Not saying i don/t like them but i just dont understand them. Anyways, so the count down began. I am going up to denver in 14 days! WOOHOO!!! I am so excited but need go shopping for some shoes and warm clothes, this is AZ hello, i have to wear a sweater maybe for 2 weeks out of the year! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8955 Thu, 06 Dec 2007 09:01:51 EDT Okay so i am at work today. Late again (BIG SO WHAT) and i was thinking... what am i going to do with myself... and i figured, i can still while the rest of the world keeps spinning, or i can just quit thinking so hard about everything and just have fun. lot of it and when ever i can... so i am... i took my dog out tonight for a ride... i missed him... so he is staying with me until he is no longer with everyone, call me selfish, but i am allowed to be... and that is the whole point of this post, i am going to be selfish sometimes and in my book. THAT IS ALL FUCKING RIGHT! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8949 Thu, 29 Nov 2007 01:04:02 EDT i went out to see a movie with a friend tonight and it was bad, really bad. P2, i highly recamend you spend $9.50 elsewhere. its plot was stupid and a girl can only run and escape so many damn times before it gets stupid. and what even stupider... i related to the psycho. he just doesnt want to be alone. i feel so alone right now, swimming through a sea of ikea furniture and fast food bags. okay i be a little dramatic, but i want someone who actually wants to be with me and doesnt have to be broken up with for them to get the idea. its the same with my friends... or lack there of, i have people i work with, guys online who prob just want to sleep with me and nothing more; and friends who who just have too much going on with their own lives to help me deal with my stuff. maybe i am just be really fucking stupid. maybe i am tired of the same thing day in day out. i wanr someone to sweep me off my feet and just tell me i am beautiful and loved. its 1230, and i am sitting in my truck thinking ive lost my way. i am broken down; watching the world spin around, and my dreams fall down. can anyone hear me, see me, because i cant feel my self. Can you help me find my way? http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8934 Sat, 17 Nov 2007 23:15:13 EDT Well its only 10 months late but i have started working out. And i mean working it! at least an hour 3 times a week. weights, elipicle, bike and tredmill. and strangely enough, i cant say i hate it. i really like it.. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8933 Fri, 16 Nov 2007 01:27:40 EDT I am a blonde, a full out bottle blonde, well except the eye brows... but none the less the reason i did it was two fold. i am so angry right now and i have no idea why. It feels like I am stuck in concrete. Nothing changes it always stays the same.. Anyways, posted pictures of my hair on blogger. fun stuff... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8928 Sun, 11 Nov 2007 21:50:40 EDT Okay, i am a cuddler! I could cuddle all night long and have been known to do so. Pulling a guy in close to me. feeling theri skin against mine... uh... oh yes its wonderful... anyways its been crazy as hell for the last few weeks, school, and just tired of everything! Work hasnt changed big shocker! Kisses! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8925 Sat, 10 Nov 2007 03:42:14 EDT Okay so i have been working out, it is actually fun. Well until monday, i did this circuit of weight machines and think i over did it. But i am not giving up. I really like it, i am gonna soon be a smoking hottie, well maybe not smoking that voids the point of working out.. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8926 Wed, 07 Nov 2007 03:51:55 EDT Well its fading away, my summer tan, i had such a great tan this year, now its all gone. I am pale white again, damn it. Things are okay right now. I feel like I have lost so much of myself at work, i just cant take it anymore. I want to quit so badly. I have to fake happiness. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8889 Fri, 19 Oct 2007 03:07:49 EDT Its scary! I can't. I had this fucked up dream on Friday, and by fucked up i mean wake me up at 5:30 and can get back to sleep scary. I am so tired of this. SO FUCKING TIRED. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8881 Mon, 15 Oct 2007 00:16:06 EDT Not much to say, just one thing. I HATE AND I REPEAT HATE WORKING IN RELOCATION, IT IS A BUNCH OF WHINEY ASS BITCHES! AND THATS JUST THE FUCKING MANAGEMENT! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8864 Thu, 04 Oct 2007 02:39:41 EDT i miss my momma. i forgot how important she is in my life. I know it is so weird, i am 24 y/o but i miss my momma... she scares me so much. yesterday she passed out twice, and today she told me that if my brother wasnt there she would have killed herself. I miss my momma so much. Almost as much as I miss my grandma, when I was on the plane today i was sitting next to this woman, and her perfume, reminded me of her. I broke up with travis today. I cant handle a relationship right now. I can hardly love myself right now. I have to take pills (and lots of them) to make myself happy. je n'ai plus la foi. Je suis perdu, je meurs, je pleure, je saigne à l'intérieur. je veux juste stopper. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8858 Mon, 01 Oct 2007 02:35:59 EDT I titled the post stop for a number of reasons. I need to stop trying to put everything through my head. I just want to take everything that is going on in my life and forget about it. just move on. forget about everything. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8849 Thu, 27 Sep 2007 01:57:20 EDT I honestly can not take this much longer. NOthing, i repeat nothing is going well right now, if it is not one thing its a fucking other. I am on the verge of a break down, but see I cant afford a break down right now, i have no PTO left so I cant take time off work. Speaking of work, i am doing everything i possibly can, and no matter what it is never enough. They have no sympathy for anything or anyone, the dont care, even my manager doesnt care, and that fucking hurts, long story but fuck the bitch. My personal life is even more fucked up. See my previous posts I am not thinking about killing myself so please dont think that, just want something to do fucking right. I want someting anything to be easy, even if it is just a little easy. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8822 Sat, 15 Sep 2007 00:01:55 EDT I am so fucking tired. Not just in the sleepy way, just fucking tired of everything! Nothing is going right, in the course of 60 days, EVERYTHING has fucking changed. My grandmother passed, my best friend moved away, i moved back in with my dad, people I thought were friends aren't and work is fucking screwed up, What makes things worse is fucking myspace! I am honestly on the verge of deleting the damn thing. Travis is well, pissing me off. It is all or nothing with him. I am asking for time and some space to deal with every fucking thing that is going on in my life in my own way, and he think that means i want to break up. Yes I will admit that i did try and break up with him, but damn it, i can only handle so much fucking bullshit and stress in my life and would have hoped there wouldnt be much from him. Fuck it all, honestly, I am just so fucking tired of everything. I just want to disappear... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8821 Thu, 13 Sep 2007 22:12:02 EDT Howdy. I am not dead. Life has just fucking been hard lately. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8813 Sat, 08 Sep 2007 02:46:21 EDT I am pushed to my limit right now. I am so so so tired of life right now. This year is just fucking hell! I cant take anymore fucking drama or bullshit. And i know a lot of it is my fault, my doing, but i not responsible for it all. Some of it ist just shithouse luck. It all starts with money, i wish i could quit work and just go to school, finish my education and be a teacher. That is what i want more then anything. So far this month, i have lost my grandmother, my best friend is moving to Columbia, the coutry not the city, my boyfriend and i broke up and quasi got back together, my im moving, and to top it all off i am broke, borrowing money from my dad to do well anything! And the sad thing is the only thing that is stable in my life right now is my job, which is okay at the momment. I am fucking tired of it all. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8781 Thu, 23 Aug 2007 01:14:19 EDT I am sitting here thinking to myself. Why do all my relationships end the way they do? I have made up my mind. I am not going to date for a while. I am going to remain single. And I dont think i am going to try and mend things with T. He needs a friend right now, not a boyfriend. So i am just going to be a friend. He kinda made it clear tonight in his blog that I am never going to be enough, that no matter what I say or what I do, it will never be enough. That seems to be an underlying theme in my relationships. They start out great then life happens, and then the men I date all turn into something else. Always wanting more and what I can give them it never means anything. I am tired of fighting in a relationship. I want someone to fucking fight for me. I want someones actions to match their words. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8775 Mon, 13 Aug 2007 00:24:52 EDT That is pretty much all I can say right now. My grandma passed away last friday. My best friend is leaving in 2 weeks, i have to move in 3 weeks. And I dont know what i am going to do... All I can say... No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8774 Sat, 11 Aug 2007 01:37:35 EDT Well everything... It happened last night. My grandma Sue passed away. 69 years old and she is still the most beautiful woman I know next to my mother, who remarkably beautiful herself. I am going to be quiet like i have been sorry... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8764 Sun, 05 Aug 2007 04:20:56 EDT That is right shit! I have every piece of shit being thrown in my face right now. Where to start, my grandma is in the hospital, i rear ended someone today and i am scrapping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to cash. And work is, well lets just say i was on the verge of tears on wednesday, and friday i caused my boss to cry. I am so tired of everything. I just want something to go right. Anyways... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8748 Sun, 29 Jul 2007 00:28:19 EDT You're one of God's better people And you don't know That's why you're special And I cry so I can talk like this From my downbeat existence And I know that you can make my wish If my wish is pure But I don't know I just don't know I don't know Let me love you so You're one of God's better people And you don't know That's why you're special It must hurt to see your favourite man Lose himself again and again And I know that you're my only friend From way back when My wish was pure It was oh so pure It was pure I couldn't love you more http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8745 Thu, 26 Jul 2007 01:12:26 EDT I love him, i really honestly do. I hate that he is hurting right now. I want to give him everything and I am trying. I just hope it is enough. I love him, even his imperfections, his issues, his everything. He is honestly a great person. He opened up to me tonight, not all the way, but i can see some of the milk chocolate in the m & m. I think i pushed a little to hard but i think in the end it was good for him. I hope I showed him that i really do love him, and care for him and dont want to see him hurting, ever. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8739 Tue, 24 Jul 2007 00:01:43 EDT So... I love having friends... Honestly I do... You call, text, email, over a period of time mind you, and i don't get a response. Yet when they need something, I am the first one they call. I am the shoulder they cry on. Oh well... fuck them... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8734 Tue, 17 Jul 2007 02:06:37 EDT Not some stupid car, but what the word actually means. I have 2000000 things going on right now. School needs to start like now! I am going to loose it! I miss having something to use my mind for. I think that is why i am so stressed at work. is the mundane work, everything is just so fucking boring!!! I am studying for my AEPA's which i want to take soonish and a DSST test for public speaking to get out of one of one of the courses i need to take. I am now starting to see my plan, my future. I will be student teaching in 18 months!! Oh my god!!! I am going to be a teacher in 2 years! 2 Years man! I can not wait to have my own classroom, desks, kids, everything... oh my gosh!! I am just looking to be stable, have something stable in my life. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8730 Mon, 16 Jul 2007 00:37:43 EDT I have no idea what to say. I have so much going through my head right now and I have no idea where to start. I am thinking about life, work, school, money, Travis, me, Karen, and well... everything else... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8713 Tue, 10 Jul 2007 02:30:58 EDT This is why I hate birthday parties. I invited about a dozen people and none of my friends showed. Karen and Travis were the only people who showed. Which was wonderful, but what i am pissed about, the people who said they would come but didnt show and couldnt be bothered to call or text me and say they were coming. C'est la vie. I say fuck them, their loss. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8709 Sun, 08 Jul 2007 04:55:00 EDT Well in 2.75 hours I will be 24 years old and i could care less. I am at the age where the only thing I want is cash. Well i take that back, see previous post, that was the best gift ever! I honestly wish i could just skip this whole birthday thing and just get a pay raise. registered for classes, i need to work hard as hell on getitng done with school so i can student teach spring 2009. So i can be done with the fucking hell hole called Prudential. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8700 Thu, 05 Jul 2007 21:12:39 EDT Its not even my birthday, and this is already shaping up to be the best one yet. Travis got me this gift, totally unplanned, totally un expected and it is the best gift i think i have gotten! He gave me a ring, its sparkly and i think it is white gold or platinum but it is so beautiful and what is behind it, is it could be steel and i would still love it! Launched the blog, its so cool, but no one has comment yet, damn it! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8693 Tue, 03 Jul 2007 21:46:49 EDT howdy... i am having an interesting day. its been good. slept in, that was nice. went to grandma's, missed my boyfriend like crazy, you get the picture. but today for some reason i feel like something is missing in my life, a purpose maybe. i love my job. but i am really at the point where i dont want to go in anymore, i go to work for the paycheck, i have done that since Affinihell. i know my goal is to become a teacher but fuck man why does it have to take so long. my other mopey momment is my birthday. my birthday is in 2 weeks and I am doing a whole lot of nothing. i am too broke to have a party. travis will be out of town, marc will be out of town, karen doesnt have a job so she cant afford anything and none of my other "friends" can do anything. i dont want a "super sweet 16" but damnit i want a party. oh well next year maybe. Not trying to guilt trip anyone, just thinking. I watched "my super sweet 16" today and those whiney ass bitches got all upset over nothing. Its so fucking annoying. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8656 Sun, 24 Jun 2007 04:58:32 EDT I made the decision yesterday, work is just that fucking work. I will not give out more then I absolutely have to do. I will work my required hours. NO MORE FUCKING WEEKENDS. And I am actually taking lunch, getting up from my desk, and ignoring my phone calls, and just enjoying my hour of freedom. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8655 Fri, 22 Jun 2007 01:45:47 EDT Shit, nothing is going right this month. More money is going out then is coming in. Work is hell, I am just not caring about it anymore. I just want to quit, but i cant. ***Edited because i can*** http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8652 Wed, 20 Jun 2007 01:36:33 EDT You know the Lily Allen song "Everything's Just Wonderful"? Thats how I feel right now. I am trapped in a never ending cycle of debt. Karen lost her job because she fucked up, and fucked up big time, now I am paying the price for it. I am paying everything but cable and electric. I made a damn error, and honest to go error, I forgot to write something in my checkbook and now I am overdrawn by $260! Fuck I mean come on! how many times do i have to fuck up like this. I am just in this weird ass funk right now. I am happy, estatic in my heart. But my head is all fucked up... money... work (Don't even get me started on work right now, that is even more fucked up then my head). Oh well I guess I mustn't grumble, I suppose that's just the way the cookie crumbles. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8632 Sun, 17 Jun 2007 23:22:54 EDT Howdy everyone. It was a balmy 88 degrees here in Denver. I helped my brother move up here. Spent 2 days in my truck listening to this irriating ding, something was wrong with the connection on my trailer and my truck. it was so irriating. Travis is flying up here on monday! he is going to drive back with me. What the heck is that... What did i do to deserve him. this is crazy. i love him so much. he is so beautiful. not perfect but damn near close to prefection. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8611 Sun, 10 Jun 2007 00:01:49 EDT I hate being in a situation where I cant control anything. Something very very bad happened to Travis tonight and there is really nothing I can do for him. I cant go and hold him, I cant ride to his rescue. What makes it even worse, he is basically all alone. I mean hello how could I not feel helpless the man I love is in pain and I cant do anything about it. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8582 Sat, 02 Jun 2007 02:59:49 EDT I am smitten. I have found a man. A true man, not boy, not a fake. Travis is absolutely wonderful. He makes me smile, keeps me guessing, and treats me like i am something. Okay, with that said, work is like jumping into a pit of rabid snakes. Its not going well. It is worst then last summer, and last summer was bad! I am going up to denver again next week. Driving my brother up there. ROAD TRIP! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8576 Fri, 01 Jun 2007 03:27:41 EDT I hate this. I am the happiest i really have ever been and i am sick as a damn dog. I have a stupid bladder infection, i have no idea why or how. Anyways... It has been a wild week since my last post, sorry, emotions have been running high. Karen, my roomie, lost her job on Monday, so of course things have been troublesome with that. Travis and I, well... lets just say, i know a LOT more about him. wink wink. He is beyond amazing folks. He is so sweet, brought me roses, has come to see me practically everynight he is in town and we text like crazy. I mean like an average of 125 a day, holy cow... We are going slow, but its just right. things are great! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8548 Sun, 27 May 2007 00:17:06 EDT I don't know what I did but it worked. I have met one of the best men i have ever know. He comes to me, he has a job, he has goals, he has a car, he is real, and he is mine. Yes i am in another relationship, and I am happy. Anyways, i am a lobster right now, well just from the knees down. A bunch of us went tubing yesterday at the river, and had a blast! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8521 Sun, 20 May 2007 21:52:07 EDT I am so used to having to go to the boy. Working so damn hard to keep the boys attention. Travis is so different, different then anyone else. He says things like "4. i met this REALLY sweet, caring, fun guy who has made me the happiest ive been in a while. " to not just me but everyone! Everyone! We had a date date tonight. Went to dinner on Mill, but then we did the coolest thing in the entire world. We went to a drive in movie. Who does that anymore, but it was so cool. We sat in the bed of my truck and cuddled all night. kissed, and um... well that is between me and him. It was just so damn fun, I didnt want it to end and I could have totally fallen asleep with him in my arms. It wsa just something. I took the CRP exam today. So very nervous about how i did. I dont need 100% just a weighted score of 500. I find out in 4-6 weeks, so fingers crossed. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8498 Wed, 16 May 2007 05:29:23 EDT Its Saturday night, and I am sitting at home, and you know what, I am actually happy about that. I have met this awesome guy. And I know all my friends and loyal readers are rolling their eyes, not again. BUT and that is a big but, I am going slow, really slow, but it feels so damn good. Something feels so different, so right, genuine. And the biggest thing, we haven't talked about sex yet! Not once. Its so great! My uncle passed away this week. I wasn't very close to him. But i am at a loss for my grandparents. They are so sad, for the first time that i can remember, I saw my grandfather on the verge of tears. My grandmother is so damn sick right now, and i deal with whining brats everyday who can't reduce their price by a few thousand because they are too damn arrogant and pigheaded. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8488 Sun, 13 May 2007 02:30:11 EDT i need coffee okay i takeback what i said about the airport. well its not them its the TSA. they have 3 lanes open for passengers to go through but only peaons checking tickets. whats the point they check our tickets 3000 times before we even get there. i got here an hour a head of time and still will hae to run to catch my flight. what a fucking waste of our tax dollars. ooh bigger waste is this stupid machine that does a puff of air to check for bomb making chemicals... so dumb... anyways... i am on my home again. its not so hard anymore to leave my mom. we are more like best friends. bobo is so cute and honey bear still is cute. reminder to self. don't take first flight out again. i need coffee... i am betting i am going to be out like a light at 6. ha ha... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8479 Mon, 07 May 2007 06:33:06 EDT I always think it is funny to watch the newcasters in different areas. They are so damn weird looking. In AZ, it seems liek they are all screaming. Its highly annoying. I am lonely right now. i spending the weekend with my mom and i feel happy, but i feel like something is missing. i miss having a man in my life in some form. I hate dating, i hate flirting, i hate trying to swoon someone. I want to be swooned, i want to feel needed and wanted and desired, for more then my cock! But at the same time, it is not the only thing right now. i am happy, i am working on school and work, and just being happy. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8461 Sun, 06 May 2007 00:00:56 EDT Well i am sitting at the airport. Waiting for my plane to board. I am off to Denver... Why you ask... My momma moved up there. I hope i like it. Dallas was okay, but a good place to visit, not live in. Its funny planes when you are right next to them look so small even the air, they look huge, but on the ground or at the gate its like holy cow that thing is going to carry 200 people at 5000 mph at 50k ft? I must be insane... But i have this innate joy of planes and of the airport. its so neat watching people during this stressful point. Work has been well... work... I am getting frustrated and bored. I hate the combo. I applied for a new job, hopefully i will at least get interviewed. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8449 Thu, 03 May 2007 19:15:06 EDT i have started spending a lot more time alone. for reasons only known to me. i have some great friends, really great. but i am focusing on me right now. making me better. i miss being happy. i miss having a connection with someone. i miss having someone to vent with. or have a stupid fight with. anyways. i went and saw eric himan thursday night. oh my gosh, he can sing and he is a hottie too.. kinda short, everyone is short to me. ha ha. I also got his new CD, and it has to be his best yet. He did grow up as the reviews have said. The emotion in the music come through not only the words but also the tone in which he sings. Finals are over, still a final project left to do but done with a lot of the homework, THANK GOD! this semester killed me. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8432 Sat, 28 Apr 2007 23:06:07 EDT people are funny. i use the term people in the general sense of the word. we all are after the elusive happiness. we all want the evasive, LOVE. we want to be seen, and understood and needed. Shit happens i know. I popped two tires on the way to be a medical research guinea pig. Still doing that just not today i guess. I am in a weird ass mood right now. Christian sent back all my stuff today. Its sad, like the end of chapter. I knew the package was coming, i knew that the chapter had to end. Like all the chapters, i knew they had to end. i hate it. i find the one guy, the one guy, i feel a connection with, a deep connection, more then sex, more the phyisical, but a connection, and he lives fucking 800 miles away and there is little chance we get together. c'est la vie, we move on, we grow, we learn. I learn, i put up the walls again, and let no one in. Unless they make the effort, the put the work in, THEY MAKE FEEL NEEDED. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8394 Fri, 20 Apr 2007 02:10:20 EDT Okay, this is an all out rant. Sorry to my readers. It needs to be said. I am tired of stupidity, including my own, especially my own. I start this out with the word trust. I trust too many people. i put a lot of energy and focus in my life on making relationships. I dont want that anymore. I hate being in a place were i feel hopeless... I hate feeling like this. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8389 Wed, 18 Apr 2007 01:28:15 EDT I just couldnt get into pride this year. It costs money to get in, it costs money for water, it costs money to drink. Its terrible, its the same stuff year after year, the same people, the same drama. I am tired of it. They tried this year but did same thing. Its sad really. Its like everything else in the phoenix gay community, there are too many cliques and no sense of community. I am not latin, asian, a twink, or a muscle god, i am just me, and you know what. I AM PRETTY DAMN PROUD OF THAT! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8373 Sun, 15 Apr 2007 03:28:51 EDT I am tired of everything, I am tired of the drama and the bullshit and well everything. If i wasnt on medication i would be curled in a ball right now. But instead i am just pissed. Boys, i am tired of the fucking boys, all the promises, the lies, the fake emotions. Why is it so hard to find a guy who is not perfect but is stable. I am not looking for perfection, perfection comes in the imperfections. I need a drink, a big drink, fuckers! AGH!!!! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8343 Thu, 05 Apr 2007 23:04:32 EDT Thats right, my word of today is irrational, and cant think of something more fitting. Here is what i am thinking, please correct me if i am wrong. I am 23 years old and i have already had my heart broken 2-3 times. Lies, stupidity, cheating, bi-polar, or just plain dumb. What i am tired of is the boys, honestly, i am tired of the boys who act all big and mighty, who act like adults but when it comes to a relationship they clam up. I feel like a cancer, like a relationship tumor. Guys can deal with me for the first few months but once they get bored they have to irradiate me and get rid of me. What am I doing wrong? http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8341 Wed, 04 Apr 2007 03:19:02 EDT Ben is a dumb ass... No really, i am just a tard when it comes to being myself. I tell people how i feel AND NOTHING FUCKING CHANGES! In relationships, friendships, at work and through most of life I am going to be looked at as this push over, who will do anything for someone and get nothing in return. I am that transparent, do people not see my 6'8", 300+lbs frame? Or maybe i should just keep on my current route. WHO CARES ABOUT MY HAPPINESS? http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8340 Tue, 03 Apr 2007 17:15:56 EDT I went to go see the Rembrandt exhibit at the Phoenix Art Museum. It was absolutely fabulous. The paint, the strokes everything. It was great, simply marvelous. I also got to see some of my favorite paintings, Flowers by Joseph Stella and of course Flowering Arches by Claude-Oscar Monet. I also got to go see Cyrano, performed by the Southwest Shakespeare Company. It was extremely well performed. The actors were amazing! During the second act the lead characters nose fell off. What was great the other actors still reacted as if the nose was still there. I love that, when an actor acts as if they are not in a play, but it is real life. I got a new computer and i must say, I CAN NOT STAND WINDOWS VISTA. Its not bad, its very Mac-ish, but not as user friendly as i hoped. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8326 Mon, 02 Apr 2007 02:47:50 EDT do you remember who i am? look at me. look damn it. do you even fucking care that i am here. waiting. why do i keep trying? why do i let men into my life, just to get hurt. they say they care, they say they want me. who am i? how am i? do you even care? stop faking emotions. stop trying. just be your fucking self. i am not a toy, you want emotional support. well fucker it goes both fucking ways. the words reek of distain and hurt. because, well i am; hurt? do you think about me? http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8312 Tue, 27 Mar 2007 22:19:05 EDT Maybe I am just blind, maybe I am too damn picky. Maybe I just don't give damn anymore. I just want a damn knight in shining armor. Nothing fancy, just someone to see me, and treat me like he sees me. Like he wants me, like he is interested in me. Hey is that so much to ask? I bought a new computer last night. should have it in a week or so. I have very excited, no monitor in the middle of living room. Sweet! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8307 Sun, 25 Mar 2007 19:50:57 EDT Messing up is what makes a person, its how we learn. The things you don't plan for are the things you never see coming. Some times you need a new plan. I need a new plan. I need a new direction in my live. I want to just stop, and flip the script, change the path. I want to be romanced. I want to focus on school, not have to worry about anything and everything. I don't want a somebody I want a someone, who just knows when something is wrong without me questioning. Life is full of peaks and valleys and right now I am just in a valley, give me sometime, I'll be back. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8304 Thu, 22 Mar 2007 10:21:50 EDT Why do i put myself in situations where in the end i'll just end up hurt. It doesn't matter how, when or where, i contstantly put my self in situations where i put others in front of myself. And when i do put myself first, i fuck myself over. I want stablity. Thats all, a guy who actually wants me for me, and doesn't have an excuse for every little thing. Who does something for me because he wants to, and just does it. As a surprise. And in the immortal words of Robbie... What am I supposed to do?, To keep me from going under, Now your making holes in my heart, And yes it's starting to show I've been holding back, And is it any wonder, Since you walked right into my life, And interrupted the flow. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8296 Mon, 19 Mar 2007 01:01:04 EDT I hate being sick, I honestly do. But then again who does. I have hot flashes going, hot one second, cold the next. I got to go home early from work today, so its not all bad. I dont feel beautiful lately. Just don't feel it, maybe because i am sick, or maybe i am just a self depreciating dork. Who knows. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8294 Thu, 15 Mar 2007 01:36:42 EDT Have you ever wondered why we question everything? I have been learning a lot about how we learn and how the brain stores those memories. And it has led me to think why do we question? That that I have an complaints about it, just sometimes I want things to just be spontaneous, for things to just happen, no planning. I guess that is my biggest fantasy right now. Someone just doing something for me. No planning, no effort, just have something appear at my doorstep or at work. I don't want to know its going to happen, or how it doing it, just have that magical feeling that someone is thinking about me with out telling me. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8284 Sun, 11 Mar 2007 21:52:08 EDT My nipples hurt... i dont know why, but both my nipples tingle right now.. I think it is because it is cold and i am sick go figure... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8271 Thu, 08 Mar 2007 00:01:54 EDT Drama in the title is pronounced Dra-ma... Well I am truely ghetto-fied... My laptop has some issues with it right now. Mostly the screen, and it will cost about $400-l500 to fix. So i have my lap top plugged into an old monitor until I can get it fixed or a new one. Eh... you know me... Adam is in town, we went bar hopping last night, its funny, went to three bars and no one was there. I have never seen a gay bar so empty... HA HA Ran into Nick on saturday, nothing good to say so wont say it. Went shopping on Friday and got this freaking hot coat, its a 3/4 length trench coat, little long in the sleaves but i am going to get it tailored. Christian and I are, well we are. Just letting things go there course, we are both happy, that is all that matteres. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8266 Mon, 05 Mar 2007 16:21:43 EDT so many things are running through my head today. we are some of the most pig headed arrogant people, americans i mean. we think everything is about us and we never really see the meaning behind peoples words. i am tired of people who have no clue who i am giving me advise. yeah i know i spew advise all the time, but people can say things without thinking and not thinking about what they said. but its not always what is said but how it is said. i guess what i am trying to say is i am so tired, tired of feeling like I am the only one who gives a rats ass about how I feel and what i want? more importantly, the men in my life... i am tried of having to spell everything out to everyone. i am tired. just tired. i want to be loved, i want more then a phone call or a text message. i want an embrace, a touch, a kiss. i want someone to woo me, to romance me, to fight for me and want me. anyone can have a booty call, anyone can fuck. i want a deep physical, mental, and emotional connection. because if you think about it, one of the magical things of being human is the connections we form. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8249 Sun, 25 Feb 2007 23:26:33 EDT Okay, its been a while sense I have had an i'm so horny post but I need to get it out. It has been 6 months sense I have had a cock in my mouth or my ass. I am really starting to crave one. Like seriously I am like a cock addict right now, i just need to get laid. But I don't want to be whoreish about it. I dont wan't a random hookup, i want a steady guy to plow my ass and then we part our ways. he calls me once and a while for a booty call. is that so much to ask. I am not in the mood for a relationship right now. I have so many different things going on in my head, boys, men, money, friends, its all kinds of crap. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8241 Sat, 24 Feb 2007 05:20:55 EDT As many of my readers may know. I have started painting. And in painting I have found something. there is no such thing as perfect. You cant paint for months on one painting and nothing will change. it still wont be any different. You can keep painting and you can paint so much and it was become an ugly mess. You can stop too soon and something just doesnt look right. Painting like life is all about balance. The colors blend and match, and come together to make one coheasive piece of art. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8240 Thu, 22 Feb 2007 04:27:49 EDT Really am i? I sit here every night. In front of my computer, Ugh... I am a lost, I know what i want but can't have it. And don't really know if I can get it. I got a great bonus at work, I got a great raise at work but i want more. I want to be a teacher, but i can't seem to focus on school right now. i read what i need to read but its not of interest to me, but i know i need to do it. But i am happy, sorta, but happy in a way that only a few understand fully. oh well momma always said, "lifes a bitch and then you die..." http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8232 Tue, 20 Feb 2007 01:21:01 EDT Well valentines day is over. Unfortunately nothing happened. no flowers, no phone call nothing. I did get the usually ones from the people at work and karen gave me a rose today but the one person i wanted to send me something, well, that is yet to seen. Eh oh well, at this point, at this time, i start to feel it, I feel it, the emotion leaving my body. The wound is starting to heal, and I hate the feeling. I hate feeling my heart grow back to where it was, well not even back to where it was, i feel like the chunk will always be missing. like I will never go back to where I was. Like no matter how far I go on to find someone else to try and fill the void. things will never fit where they belong.... I just need to get laid. Raw, emotionally unattached sex. Head banging into a wall. Yeah that is what I need. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8226 Fri, 16 Feb 2007 00:40:36 EDT No I am not talking about a Lindsey Lohan movie, just talking about my weekend. I got my new cell phone last week, all out hot phone, the Moto Q. Anyways. Friday I bought a BT headset, nothing fancy. Just a Plantronics one from Target for $50. I use it to talk to a friend that night for like 20 minutes and then the following day to Karen for about 5 minutes. After I finish with my call to my roomie, I put the headset in my pocket. (I will never understand those people who walk around with their BT headset in constantly. No one is that important) I finish doing what I was doing in Staples and go out to my truck. Some where between staples, my friend Marc's house and my truck I lose the damn thing. I tore staples, my truck and Marc's house... So Sunday, I went to Best Buy and bought a whole new one. Good news is, the charger for the new headset is the same as for my phone. So I can return the one I bought on Friday. So not a total loss but a damn expensive weekend! I found out some interesting things about the people I love this weekend. I am missing my mom badly, got her flowers from me any my brothers. She should get them tomorrow, so excited. I love giving gifts. Boys I love say things that contradict themselves. Boys I used to love tell me they miss me. One of my better friends is going through some rough crap (its about a boy, shocker). I found this great new brunch place (review on Blogger) Marc and I went on Sunday. (FYI, Marc and I just friends) That's it. It was a wild weekend. Later folks. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8216 Tue, 13 Feb 2007 02:25:01 EDT My name is Ben Sullens. As of this moment; I will not be stepped on. I will not be manipulated. I will take everyone's words with a grain of salt. My heart is off my sleeve, if you want a part of it... You have to work to get it and work hard! Thats all... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8215 Mon, 12 Feb 2007 20:36:25 EDT Thats right. Christian and I have parted our ways. Honestly, I didn't want it. I can understand why, but i didn't want it. I felt something for him, that i have never felt with anyone else. I felt a deeper connection with him, a stronger connection with him. But i never even knew him, and I probably never will. I wanted to know so so much, i wanted to be his husband, but no stupid ass me fell in love with a boy 800 miles away, soon to be 3000 miles, who is beyond career orientient. Can't blame him for it. but the evil asshole in me wants to. I was ready to drop everything to be with him. My life here in Phoenix, my job, everything. Damn it, i need to take the rose colored glasses and throw them out the damn window, no better yet, smash them, all them, and jsut see the logical un-emotional side of life. Become a sort of cynic... Fuck romance, fuck it all... And what really really pisses me off about all this, Valentine's day in 11 days away, this is going to sound so selfish, but it another fucking lonely ass valentines day. Fuck i can't afford to get myself flowers! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8179 Sat, 03 Feb 2007 13:27:35 EDT I just got back from a great night out with my friend Marc. He is just a friend but i really want to find a man like him. He cares a lot, and he is genuine about it. But most importantly, I want someone who cares about me, and does more then just tell me. but does things to show me. Shows interest in the things I care about. christian, is in california, and beyond busy, He has school, his friends, a part time job now and everything that is going on with him. Honestly, I am so damn lonely right now. I put on this fake smile for everyone, and no body wants to dig deeper. I want to be romanced, I have this crazy ass feeling that my valentines day is just going to suck as usual. I am going to get something from the usual suspects, but i want to feel special. I am so tired of making everyone else feel special but then when its my turn I have to wait. I am tired of waiting. I want a steady relationship with a man who honest wants me and does something more then just tell me, but show me. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8169 Fri, 02 Feb 2007 01:42:54 EDT I am in a weird state of mind right now. My heart is just sitting there, lonely. Surrounded by people and things but not surrounded by what i need. I am too afraid to ask questions, to afraid to tell people what I want what I need. Its happening again. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8163 Thu, 01 Feb 2007 02:21:40 EDT Nobody knows, Nobody knows but me, That I sometimes cry, If I could pretend that I'm asleep, When my tears start to fall, I peek out from behind these walls, I think nobody knows, Nobody knows no Nobody likes, Nobody likes to lose their inner voice, The one I used to hear before my life, Made a choice, But I think nobody knows, No no, Nobody knows, No Baby, Oh the secret's safe with me, There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be, And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone, Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown, And I've lost my way back home, I think nobody knows no, I said nobody knows, Nobody cares http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8120 Mon, 22 Jan 2007 23:57:13 EDT Well Texas is a great place, if you like ice and freezing cold tempatures. I had a great time in San Antonio! Drank more then I think I ever have. Went to like 5-6 clubs, one called the bantam, it was huge, like the club in QaF. Went to sang karoke, well was a backup dancer, then went a latin club, then to a drag show, got totally wasted! In Dallas now, freezing my butt off, have 1800 layers of clothing on and still bone cold. Had the best steak the other night at this place called saltgrass, oh it was so good. Last night my mom and I went to have fondue, it was so funny, my mom had 4 drinks and got loopy, i have never see her that way. Its crazy. Here until sunday. It is so nice to be off of work! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8051 Tue, 16 Jan 2007 15:42:12 EDT Help, I have done it again, I have been here many times before, Hurt myself again today, And the worst part is there's no one else to blame. Be my friend, Hold me, wrap me up, Unfold me, I am small and needy, Warm me up and breathe me, Ouch, I have lost myself again, Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, Yeah, I think that I might break, Lost myself again and I feel unsafe. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8035 Mon, 08 Jan 2007 01:51:42 EDT I am so tired of guys who play with other peoples emotions. Not just mine, but everyones. A friend of mine is going through this dramatic if not tragic ordeal with another guy. My friend is this great guy, smart and sensitive, and the guy he is seeing is using that against him. I hate that! I hate guys who use a persons emotions. Or use a guy as a crutch and drag him along until he is done with him. WHY CANT GAY MEN JUST BE HONEST WITH THEMSELVES AND WITH THE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT THEM! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8034 Sat, 06 Jan 2007 01:48:22 EDT Final rant, I heard it this evening on the news, Saddam was executed today. I am truely sickened and saddened by this. Not because of the way he was killed or why he was killed, but that he was not treated as a war criminal, that the UN allowed this to happen and that our governments arrogance was allowed to over throw decades of international law in an international matter. He should not have been tried by the people of Iraqi, he should not have been tried in an American monitored/created court. He should have tried like all other war criminals. End of rants. Have a great weekend, stay safe. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8010 Sat, 30 Dec 2006 07:14:25 EDT I am sitting up at 5am on Saturday morning watching a another crappy gay movie, cant sleep, been sick for the last few days with a cold, i love having a job i can take time off from. :) Christmas was very uneventful this year, got cash and Karen gave me a massage, cant wait to go get it. I got her this really nice Fossil watch and Christian a scarf and one of my paintings. I have no idea if he is going to get me something, but i really wouldnt mind if he didnt. Thats not girl talk but for real, i got him something because i could and i wanted to. Lately, I have this need to be physical. Cuddling, kissing, holding hands. I just want to be held honestly. I want to feel like i am the only one. I don't even want sex, i dont care about sex right now, i just want to be physical with a guy, wake up next to him, or him in my arms, or me in his. I rearranged my room, tv is up against the exterior wall, bed up against the bathroom and closet, it took some getting used to, but i like, more space really. I went out to the Wal with my friend Marc-Andrew tonight. He is having boy troubles, the guy he is "getting to know" is playing with his heart right now. I hate that about guys, especially the ones who know they are doing it. They think they are god's gift to the world, and dont understand that they are just one of the many gifts god gave us. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D8009 Sat, 30 Dec 2006 06:29:01 EDT Why is it i am invisible. Especially to Christian. I want him to notice me. I know he has been super busy, but the last 2 weeks i was all but ignored. It was like I was invisible. I want him to say I love you just out of the blue, call me just to say hi real quick, send me an email or text becuase he misses me. I want to feel something from him. Its been very hard for me lately. I tell him how i feel and it gets a little better, and i am not asking for him to move in with me, i just want more then a few words a day. And what really scares me is this is what it is going to be like every 6 months, if not more. School is very very important to both of us, but he is in a much more serious track then I. His grandma said something to him the other day. He met the perfect man just 10 years to early. I really don't want to believe it. Why do I have to be a stupid fucking romantic, sometimes I just want to be a big huge asshole. Less emotional, more strong. Damn it! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7983 Tue, 19 Dec 2006 23:58:41 EDT Have you ever just been empty. Nothing you do seems to make a difference, everything you do just seems like a circle, no one seems to see you, notice your there. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7980 Sun, 17 Dec 2006 01:18:30 EDT I think i am what they call an contradiction of terms. I write on my blogger page that I love christmas and things are great and then days later everything goes to shit. Work is work, got my first bankruptcy file, its a mess and a closing is scheduled in 2 weeks. Joy. School is over for the semester, i just finished tonight got an A on the final and an A overall for the class. I start again Jan 22nd, had to push it out 2 weeks due to my vacation... The one person I want to vent/talk to is busy and I understand why, but i guess i just want him to reconise that I am just as busy, but not in the same way as him. Its quite frustrating... It also doesnt help that for some reason I am really lonely lately. Christmas is coming along. My secret santa at work is pissed off at me because i am being creative and somewhat evil, but the gifts are getting better. The one that has me is giving me starbucks stuff and I wont complain one bit! My brothers, dad, aunt, and uncle are all getting Visa gift cards. they can spend them how they choose. Trust me for them, its the perfect t gift. My grandparents are getting restaurant gift cards again, it sounds kinda morbid, but its something they can enjoy and not have to dust it or i dont have to do something with it when they are dead. Karen and Christian are really going to like their gifts and since they actually read this i am not going to say what it is... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7958 Tue, 12 Dec 2006 22:29:11 EDT this feeling inside. I have no idea what to get anyone for Christmas. I am just not liking Christmas this year, way too much drama, very little cheer... Plus my momma is not here. I almost want to skip Christmas this year. Just stay home, watch some bad movies and make a my own dinner. Bah Humbug! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7956 Mon, 11 Dec 2006 23:58:10 EDT You know what it is like to be completely in love with someone, but feel like the other person can't love you like you love them. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7951 Sun, 10 Dec 2006 19:55:09 EDT Merriam-Webster defines a standard as something set up and established by authority as a rule for the measure of quantity, weight, extent, value, or quality. I love how everyone has a different set of standards and rules. Just in interactions with people, people treat a different from b. What makes things even funner, when people dont live up to their own rules. I will admit, I AM THE SAME WAY, but what pisses me off even more, when people stop fucking caring. When things get hard, they disappear. Hole up somewhere and just stop being themselves. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7950 Sun, 10 Dec 2006 01:29:57 EDT I spent the last hour trying to figure out what to call this post. And apparently I can type tonight. Do you remember when you were a kid, life for the most part was pretty uncomplicated. No work, school was easy, you got to paint, to play with blocks, just be a kid. You came home from school, did your homework, watched your favorite cartoon, mom made dinner and you went to bed. That was your day, maybe you had an after school thing, or hung out with friends but nothing more. As you got older you had to start growing up. Maybe i just didnt try hard enough. Maybe I just gave up, like I do with most things. Work, relationships, friends. family, why should I fucking care what they want from me, of me. Why do I make everything so fucking complicated, I cant ever make a damn decision, I cant ever just do something without planning it out, in my head or my heart. I was feeling down tonight, and heard this song, it just rang true, it is by Wynonna Judd, Feels like the world's upon my shoulders, Through the clouds I see love shine, It keeps me warm as life grows colder, In my life there's been heartache and pain, I don't know if I can face it again, I can't stop now, I've traveled so far, To change this lonely life. I think I want to much out of everything. I milk everything and everyone for 100% and shouldnt, Sometimes there is going to be some ice cream left over in the carton. Weird analogy I know but hey I am weird. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7849 Sat, 18 Nov 2006 03:45:15 EDT Fucking winksite, right when I want post something, I cant log in. So i posted this on Friday but the date is correct. Unedited. Why do I fucking care what my dad thinks about me. Is it stupid of me for me to want him to, just once, with out any provocation, say he is proud of me. Just call me out of the blue, just because. Help me out without me asking. For once I want my dad to be my dad. i dont know why all of a sudden I feel this way. I dont know why I need him right now. I miss my mom. I miss her a lot, and I just want a god damn hug. I don't know why all of a sudden, I am crying, I never cry. I want Christian so badly, i want to be with him, be in his arms, kiss him, i want to fall asleep with him right now. I want him to wipe away my tears, And kiss me and tell me that its okay. I so badly need tp be held right now, and i have no idea why I feel this way all of a sudden, right now. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7850 Thu, 16 Nov 2006 23:57:00 EDT I am going to be a contestant for Ms. America for a momment. My platform would be AIDS and helping find something that help slow the spread of HIV. For those who don't know HIV is the virus that causes AIDS. If you are reading my blog I bet you know what it is but hey gotta cover my bases. Why would I want to stop the spread and not the disease, well for one, if you can slow the spread of the disease eventually you may be able to eradicate the disease. Also by making people more aware of what the disease does and who affects you can just make smarter people. Okay, I know Christian is rolling his eyes right now. Prevention starts with education. I think children as young as 7 need to be educated on what can happen and who it affects. They need not learn about sex, but be taught that it is okay to be around some one who has HIV/AIDS. As the child grows both schools and parents need to educate their children on what AIDS does, and how it affects the body, and how it is nothing to be messed around with. As with anything starting young, starting not only in school or on TV but with active parenting, kids today and in future generations can grow and learn that AIDS is real and it affects everyone! Rant over. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7847 Thu, 16 Nov 2006 22:45:09 EDT I will openly admit, I download music! Thats write RIAA i download music using a P2P. Arrest me now. But here is why i do, and why i think punishing people for doing it is wrong. About 3 years ago my car was broken into, they stole about 200 cd's that i had in there over night. Most of the cd's were no longer in the store and this is before iTunes really took off. So how could I replace that STEPS cd i so loved. Beyond that, i fell in love with the new Gabriel & Dresden song "tracking treasure down" on the radio. It wasn't on iTunes yet, but it was on Mozilla. So what did i do, I down loaded it and some of the other songs on the CD. And i loved every song, so i bought the CD. Did that with Robbie Williams too. So RIAA, if you can prove that I didnt already purchase the music sue me. But a lot of the stuff i do have, i have purchased before, or purchased afterwards... So :-p http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7809 Fri, 10 Nov 2006 20:17:01 EDT People have always told me I would be good at anything I set my mind to. School, jobs, love, friends. My mom specifically has always wanted to see me go into politics. I think that adventure would be much like my adventure at work, I would be advocating for people who had control but not the voice to do anything about it. I want that voice, I want to be heard not just seen. Not just the loud mouth who runs his mouth. I love the fact that Arizona was the first state in the nation to defeat a marriage amendment. This is right, Arizonans, the right facing, church on every corner, old farts, defeated a marriage amendment. Gay marriage is already against the law in AZ but why take away rights. Its ridiculous! The democrats own the house and senate again, this is going to be a very very interesting 2 years and beyond. I prey they work on the deficit, equality rights, and pulling out of the Iraq war. I prey that Bush does not force the execution of Sadam before the end of his term, we would be in a world of trouble if he does. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7773 Wed, 08 Nov 2006 19:06:37 EDT I am stuck between a rock and an ocean. Every time I speak with my mom, she gives me all these great opportunities to move to TX, Jobs, school, homes. But then i am also being pulled to the west coast, Christian has to be the best man I have ever met. He is sweet, funny, sexy, and beautiful, but he lives in San Francisco, and I really wanted to move there to be with him. And then there is Phoenix, I am not happy here, but it confortable, Ive lived here my entire life, I have friends, I have a decent job that I can do something eventually with. So this is why I am torn, I can not ask Christian to move, it is not fair to him, He needs to finish school. I cant ask my mom to move, she is happy where she is. I am not happy here, besides friends, there is nothing holding me here. Do I follow my heart or do I follow my head. My heart is saying go to SF and be with him, but hurts because oh my mom being lonely. My head is saying go be with your Mom, but it hurts because i really want to be with Christian. I don't know what to do, I am truely confused! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7777 Sun, 05 Nov 2006 15:01:19 EDT Okay, if you are a long time reader of my blog, if you tell me to do something well, i am going to do the exact opposite. I have never felt this way about someone before. My Christian is my verision of perfection. He is sweet, kind, beautiful, sexy, adorable, extremely smart, and most importantly, he wants me. More then anything he would fight for me, he craves me, and he never lets me forget it. I could not imagine a man better suited for me to spend the rest of my life with. What i love about him is his passion, for everything he does, he strives for the very best, in everything. There isnt a single thing that he settles for. Physically, all i can say is wow. His smile, his eyes, his laugh, his everything is just WOW. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7712 Thu, 19 Oct 2006 01:11:45 EDT Humans are funny creatures. We go around wanting something so much. And when we get it, we want more. I have been talking to this really great guy. Something is different about him. Very different, we will have to see. Not going to rush this one. Everything else is pretty much the same. Met some cool guys who will end up being friends. I cant see it being anymore. But i need some sane gay male friends. I am starting to see a counselor. It was interesting, he said everything i kinda already know about myself but i know i need it, we will see how the next few weeks go. I am happy. Its a weird feeling, i am even happy with work. Its scary. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7699 Thu, 12 Oct 2006 02:47:08 EDT I want to sweep a guy off his feet and have him actually appricate it. I want to dance in the mood light, look down on the city. Talk until 5am, make him dinner and then have him make breakfast. Wake up in bed in my arms and just a huge smile. And you know what, the next when ever, he does the same thing for me. Hell right now, i would just settle for a walk in the park and just some nice convo. I have a new favorite food network chef. And actually she is from the UK. Nigella Lawson, she is so expressive about food, not only about her but about the food as well its quiet impressive. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7693 Sun, 08 Oct 2006 21:21:30 EDT I know big words, but i came to the realization tonight. I love to talk, like talk, random tangents. Its great! If you are a frequent reader, of my blog, i have issued a retraction and an apology. Who I apologized to, you know who you are. I have not been myself this week, i have been angry, mostly about work. I have more to be angry about, which is all about work, and the stupidity of corporate America. But that is another day. :) http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7677 Thu, 05 Oct 2006 02:51:58 EDT Two people told me today, that I should stay single so that I can become happy with myself, get better, get over the past, blah blah blah. Its the same thing I have told countless people. It pisses me off that I have to hear, that I am not stronger. THAT I AM BEING FUCKING WEAK, BECAUSE YET ANOTHER FUCKING BOY FUCKED ME OFF. Dammit, I am happy, just not in all aspects of my life. I don't "just sex", I dont want a relationship, I want to date, thats right bitches, i don't mr right now, or to fall madly in love over night again. I want the rose at the subway or a picture of a rose sent to me, or the candles at dinner, but over time, i dont want my first i love you to come as I tuck my man in to bed while he is drunk off his ass, or have my man dissapear after 3 months to "mexico". I am complete, actually much more then complete. I am happy with me, maybe everyone else isn't. I am not happy with whining and fighting for something that nobody seems to want. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7676 Tue, 03 Oct 2006 10:59:15 EDT I set myself up for failure. Being the stalker i am sometimes known to be, I went to Ruben's myspace page, Mainly to see that, he didnt find someone new, that would have pissed me off, but what i foud was even more interesting. His song right now is Pink's "Who Knew" Listen to the song or go back to my Yahoo 360 page for the lyrics. I so wanted that to be about me. So, being the hopeless romantic i am, i went and text messaged him, and asked if the song meant anything. You know what it meant, "HE LIKED THE SONG" Why do I keep doing this, setting myself up for failure. Why do i fall for the asshole or the jerks, or the emotionally unavailable guys. Or the one guy I think i could really have something with and I have thought that for a while now is physically unavailable. Dammit! I am broken right now. If only i could find someone, who wants me for me, just the way I am. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7674 Tue, 03 Oct 2006 01:30:20 EDT Ruben called me last night. Left me a drunken message, He told me he missed me and that he was sorry. That I could hate him and then his friend caught him and he hung up. I miss him, but i can't figure out if it is the idea of him that i miss or him personally. I miss having that one person I could cuddle up with, my head over his heart, hear his heart beat and know everything is okay. Have my man call just out of the blue because he misses me. Send me a text message that says he love me just for who I am. I WANT A MAN WHO GIVES ME THE TIME AND FIGHTS FOR ME, NOT BECUASE I AM AVAILABLE BUT BECAUSE HE WANTS ME. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7670 Sun, 01 Oct 2006 00:38:58 EDT I want to stop talking. No body listens to me anyway, i want to be the asshole that always get the guy and feels nothing when something goes wrong. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7667 Sat, 30 Sep 2006 00:21:40 EDT "We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a relationship, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'." Thats how i feel right now. I want a witness, i want someone who will remember me and not treat me like a notch. I want the perfect relationship that is not perfect in the way you think, but perfect in its imperfections. I know I need to go slow, let things flow, not worry, just wait for it to happen. But god damn it, i am tired of giving 110% for everything and everyone and then getting told to wait for my 110% back. I am not saying to who I am really wanting to be serious with right now, that I won't wait, or that I want him to hurry up. It just doesn't apply to that but everything else too! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7657 Tue, 26 Sep 2006 23:30:04 EDT I have been thinking a lot lately. I know that is NEVER good. I am happy. But i am lonely, I keep thinking I have this addiction to love. Like I cant survive with out love. I am a hopeless romantic, I know I am. But I want the simple romance. No drama, no bull, just me and a man. I want the rose, the candy, and i want to be able to do it in return. I dream about, i daydream about it. I have seriously thought about sending myself flowers. How sad is that. Am I as seriously fucked up as I think I am? http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7655 Tue, 26 Sep 2006 01:42:04 EDT Hi, I am depressed and I am tired. I have been talking to this really great guy. I met him today and I couldn't tell what came of it. If he liked me, if he didn't. If i was boring, not boring enough. I alway hate going on that first date. I am always afraid i talk to much, or that i say the wrong things. I just want to have a nice boy, who wont treat me like crap. Is it so much to ask. I wanted this one to be him. Maybe I am just over reacting and just lame, but who knows. Not much more to report. I am here, http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7650 Sun, 24 Sep 2006 21:43:12 EDT Thats right bitches, that is all i am to most of the men in my life. Not even any consideration as to anything. Done with him toss him aside and forget about him. OR BETTER YET, WHY THE FUCK SHOULD THEY DEAL WITH IT, ITS NOT MY PROBLEM. WHY THE FUCK WONT A SINGLE MAN FIGHT FOR ME! WHY WHY WHY. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7644 Tue, 19 Sep 2006 20:52:37 EDT Well last Wednesday I broke up with Ruben. I am not at all happy that I had to do it. I couldn't be ignored anymore. I couldn't be the part time boyfriend anymore, again. I miss him though. I miss him more then anything. He was great, until his plate got too full. I had a dream last night, i woke up one morning and my back patio was covered in roses of every color, and in the middle was a card, and all the card said was "I am sorry, I heart u" that is it, simple and perfect. I want that, i want him to come back to me. show me that he misses me, that he still wants me, that he wants to work to get me back. But, I know in my heart he won't, and that is what hurts even more, that he won't even try and get me back. My heart hurts not by what you have done but what you have not. I tore down all my walls only for you to put up new ones. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7626 Mon, 18 Sep 2006 23:37:07 EDT Dont cry to me. If you loved me, you would be here with me. You want me, come find me. Make up your mind. Shouldve let you fall, Lose it all, So maybe you can remember yourself. Cant keep believing, Were only deceiving ourselves, And Im sick of the lies, And youre too late. ------- I'm feeling really unappreciated. You takin` my love for granted, babe. I don't know how much more, I can take from you. You don't do the things you use to do. You don't even say I love you too. and lately I've been feeling, Feeling unappreciated. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7613 Tue, 12 Sep 2006 03:11:21 EDT i know this is gonna sound wierd/off but i think this thing with Ruben has run its course. he wants something different then I do. He wants he world to revolve around him and i want a little relvolution myself. I want someone who can give me more then a saturday. I left him a message and sent 2 texts. he called me last night at 3a to tell me we couldnt hang out today and that i may not even see him tomorrow or monday! I am tired of being the boy who gives 100% and gets 20%! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7604 Sun, 10 Sep 2006 00:42:37 EDT My boyfriend is not well being much of a boyfriend right now. Honestly I feel like nothing too him. His frat and his new car are more important. I am fucking tired of guys who careless about me. They start off all sweet and nice and 3 months later I am just some afterthought. I want romance. i want passion. I want more then 3 hours a week! I want a fucking birthday gift! Yes thats right its been 2 fucking months and nothing! Yes I am being selfish, but damn it, i want someone who WANTS ME. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7599 Fri, 08 Sep 2006 01:37:48 EDT I don't want to walk away, but i feel forgotten. Like I am last and not worth the time of day. I have to start things, I have to want to do something. And it is on their time, not mine. I love them but i can stand being treated the way I am. I honestly just want to walk away and be done with it. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7556 Wed, 23 Aug 2006 01:03:40 EDT I keep setting myself up for failure. In relationships, at work, everywhere. Ruben pisses me off. I don't think i will ever be first in his life. We have been planning a "date night" for the last few days. We have been so busy, him with school, me with work. So we havent been able to hang out as much. Tonight was one of those nights, but he had to get a new car today. WHEN DOES HE TELL ME THIS, 8:30 tonight. I understand his phone isnt working but i mean, you could listen to your messages! Its all good, im upset and hurt yeah, but its no big deal. I am not going to let this hurt me. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7539 Wed, 16 Aug 2006 02:19:59 EDT I know it sounds weird, but i want to be surprised. I don't care what what for just something good. Something I don't have to plan, or remind someone about it. Funnything is, i told everyone not to get me anything for my birthday and for the first time in a long time, they actually listened to me. I am not happy right now. I miss school. That is one of my favorite things, learning something I didnt know before. Its the best. There is no cause to my unhappiness its just happening... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7478 Tue, 25 Jul 2006 23:36:45 EDT I am at a point where I want to cry, I feel like I am going to cry. I didnt get off work until 8:00p. I am sick at my stomach, I am just feed up with everything and it is starting to affect my personal life, outside of work. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE. I know I have to be at Prudential for a few more years. They are going to pay for my school and I am out of there. I do know, NO ONE IS HAPPY AND NO ONE IN MANAGEMENT CARES! I don't know what else to say. Other things are going on in my head but cant put the words to it. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7440 Fri, 14 Jul 2006 00:00:08 EDT Okay, I am in a weird place right now. I am happy, like super happy. I am with a man who actually wants to be with me. I am in a position at work where i don't care but dont really have to and emotionally i am stable. I am on hormones right now and I think my dose is wearing off. I think that is my biggest problem right now. I am extremely emotional. I am thinking because everything is going so well right now that i have this feeling that something is going to explode soon. And I know it won't there is no need for it to. Thats all. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7420 Tue, 04 Jul 2006 03:15:41 EDT Today is the day that changed my life. Nothing dramatic. Just opened my eyes. I was sitting at work, going oh my god. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE? I like my job, I like helping people but why do people think they can treat me with utter disrespect. An agent called me, after hours, this evening wanting to know where a transferees money is. The house is closing at 10 am EST tomorrow. And she is calling me at 10pm EST wondering where the money is. Who is she kidding. It wasnt even my file, what could i do at 10pm at night. If the money isn't there now, it may not get there. She tells me I am going to be fired. She is going to tell everyone how rude i am and much I don't care. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, WHEN I HAVE MY HANDS COVERED IN GROUND CHICKEN, GUESS WHAT I DON'T! I can't quit, nor can I get fired. But I am tired of hearing from management, it will all get better soon. We swear. Its always like this in the summer. I have a 100 file caseload, another counselor on the team has a 160 file caseload. No one is happy right now. They are overworking us and they think some ice cream social is going to make things better. SPEND THE FUCKING MONEY AND GIVE US A DAMN BONUS! WE ARE DOING THE WORK OF 2 PEOPLE FOR THE PRICE OF ONE. ITS BEEN THIS WAY FOR MONTHS. BUT THEY REALLY APPRICATE EVERYTHING WE ARE DOING! GAG me with a fucking spoon!!!! Grr... okay had to get that out of the way. Peace out homies! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7404 Wed, 28 Jun 2006 01:22:20 EDT I got me this hot Blue Dodge Ram 1500... And its got a HEMI... I am not a butch fag. Well still blast the gayest dance music at max, but still getting butcher... Pictures and more to come. Ruben and I are celibrating our 3 months next week, its quite exciting. He is fun. More to come on that too... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7379 Wed, 14 Jun 2006 23:44:56 EDT Hey everyone. I am not dead as some would think. I have a lot that has happend. I met this really great guy. His name is Ruben. Not that Ruben, but an actual good Ruben. . He is so sweet and he has his degree in Social Work already. More to come. I have some health issues going on, its a bunch of bullshit. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING I HAVE IS A SYMTOM OF HIV. Lots of bullshit. In an angry mood right now, i cant keep my mind in one place, cant focus on a paper that was due monday. Its funny, i am also in a crying mood. I hate this feeling. I really hate feeling like this. I am so happy with Ruben, i am so happy, but the minute i am not around him i am angry. Even at work, everything sets me off lately. I'd go see a doctor about this, but i am so tired of using my PTO for fucking doctors appointments. I need a vacation, i need to have some money to afford a damn vacation. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7276 Fri, 19 May 2006 00:25:59 EDT Okay, todays rant is brought to you by the letters q, r and the number 7. Ahh... who doesnt love a SS reference. Okay, now seriously, humans can be the biggest bitches! Mostly fat white american gay men. Not all of us are but some are just the rudes devils. I love finding more and more out about the skanks I have dated. Especially the lying ones! Any wyays. I am at the airport, and if i didnt fear jail time I would run on one of these plane like right now. I have the next 2 days off work and I just need a break, especially from AZ, not the people just the weather. Its already in the 90s! Had a dust storm saturday, it was nasty, no rain though. Mother nature can be a royal bitch sometimes. I feel sorry for the america west flight attendants, i really hope they dont go with the USAir uniforms, they are so stuff! Flying should be fun! No matter what you are flying for. When I am rich and famous, or just rich, i am so totally going to learn how to fly. I think it would be great! Being able to get in a plane and just go! Speaking of go... I need to pee... Thanks for reading... ps... met a new Ruben, so much better then the last, and much cuter! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7026 Mon, 17 Apr 2006 00:50:24 EDT Howdy, yes i know it has been waht almost 3 weeks sense i have posted anything. I just got sick as a dog, called out from work for the first time in years. I have been playing catch up with work and school and life it self so you know how it goes. The main reason for my post today is to talk about anger. The stupid anger i feel sometimes. Most recently at work. I was a major player on a project to improve some of the forms we use on a daily basis. I did the formatting, i took their requested changes and implemented them. I think i did it 9 different times for them. I got the standard thank yous back when i did it and then nothing for months. My company as a program that rewards teams who help make changes to business processes. The team who worked on the changes to the forms won. But here comes the anger. Sense i wasnt an actual team member i am not enjoying 2 days off at the sancuary resort in scottsdale. No all i got was a lunch after i made a fuss. What pisses me off the most is I had to make a fuss to even get the damn lunch. I am really starting to become disappointed with PRI. I mean yes it is a job, but i wanted this job to be more then a job. I like the people I work with, i like what i do, i just dont like the company. Everything is so backwards, all they care about is the bottom line and how to get there. They don't care how it effects the people they employ. My caseload is 65 files and i know that some RC on the floor has much higher caseloads, but i havent been doing this more then 5 months. I should not have the case load i have. i am stressed, everyone is stressed, they hire new people who quit before they even start, they hire the wrong people for the positions, and they dont promote the right people. Anger is a funny thing, who do you direct it towards the things you are really mad at or the things you want to be mad at. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D7006 Wed, 12 Apr 2006 01:04:04 EDT Nothing new to report, trying to stick to my resolution to not talk about money but the damn shit is everywhere and not in good ways. I was told i talk to much about sex on this damn thing. Do i really... I am starting a survery.... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6915 Fri, 24 Mar 2006 01:04:38 EDT Cover charge $0. Drink and tip $40. Wipping the smile of your ex's face, PRICELESS! Oh my god, I went to Amsterdam, a local gay bar. Not really my type of bar but it was a friends birthday, after about an hour i had a drink or two and we went out on to the dance floor. Who was standing out there? RUBEN, that is right the fucktard was out there on the patio. Could he come up and say hi, ha ha, no. He sends one of his friends over to say hi! How childish can you be! But I then look back at him, he has that fake laugh, that fake smile, he is just being fake. I could have let it affect me, i could have walked out, played his game, but i didnt. What did i do, i ruined his birthday, i ruined it! Thank god, i am happy, i am heathly and fucked up another one of RUBEN's birthdays! This is one of the best nights of my life! SWEET! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6880 Sun, 19 Mar 2006 04:05:42 EDT I am drained. Emotionally and physically. Work is getting hard. I am so overwhelmed it not even funny. I have 13 count them 13 files that have an offer. Then new files are comming in daily. Its just getting out of control and there is no end in site. There is no downtime. I am have to talk about thing i have no clue aboutl I am just very stressed right now and i cant do anything about it. To pile on top of everything, I am lonely. Very very very lonely. I want to get fuck, no I want to get plowed... iIcan go with out a man, i just want an intimate momment. I want a man who is serious about me, about us. I want what everyone keeps FUCKING PROMISING TO ME! With that all said I am going to bed. Got some reading to do. Ben http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6857 Wed, 15 Mar 2006 23:30:49 EDT We have to do these stupid fucking individual development plans. Not only do I have to be doing my normal everyday work but i have to take time and find things that i want to learn that are SMART, specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and tangible. Yes I have nothing else better to do then sit and write these damn goals, type them up, and then get told I did them wrong. What sucks you write them, 2 month later you talk about them how they are not being done or being done, then at the end of year they are forgotten. It wouldnt be so bad, IF WE WERE SO FUCKING BUSY. I HAVE 10 OFFERS, 5 NEW INITS, AND MY PHONE IS CONSTNATLY RINGING! Grrr.... I am lonely again, i am still talking with jack. i want the physical part thought, not just sex but the kissing, holding, everything. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6848 Tue, 14 Mar 2006 21:56:19 EDT Okay are you ready for this? ATHEN WAS CHEATING ON ME WHEN HE SAID HE NEEDED SPACE. Ha Ha Ha. I can hear the collective "I told you so's". But i kinda knew he was. He was shady from the begining and I was too stupid to figure that out. ANYWAYS! With that said, i am actual happy. Not that fake smile happy but happy. I have been talking with Jack and it is refreshing to have someone who is interested in me because of me, not because of what i have, or what i dont have. I am gonna try to keep updating this. Its hard with work and school. Oh well. Getting a haircut today and hopefully new contacts... My old ones suck! I got a B on my first assignment, had stupid typos! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6833 Fri, 10 Mar 2006 11:35:09 EDT change never is easy, but that is what makes being human great, every day you change and learn something new. a friend of mine last night told me something, that you should never feel like you wasted time during a relationship, you learned something about yourself and the other person. just be happy and move on because you will never be happy if you dont. Athen is out of my life, as a friend, as a myspace buddy, as an partner. The funny thing is, i felt so stupid. waiting for him. like a puppy dog waits for his owner to come home. Over the last few days i have come to the conclusion that i will never understand men. No matter how old they are. I have been talking to this really great guy named Jack. Yes i know, again i hear the collective groan, not another boy. But Jack is different. A) he is in Ohio, so yes he could be lying through his teeth, but i dont think he is. I think he is geuniniely honest. He is a geek just like me. VERY smart, hes a proffessor at a school in OH, and its verifiable! SWEET! Just letting things flow with that one. So you have read the declaration... what do you think... post a comment. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6801 Sun, 05 Mar 2006 14:33:19 EDT Yes you heard me right, i am smiling. For a lot of reasons, first Athen, no he is not back in my life and at then point i dont want him to be, at least what he was friends fine, but nothing more. Work is actually going great, keeping me busy and paying for school, can i stress that enough paying for school!!! I have guys hitting on me again, and not just because i am unavailable. I am developing friendships and maybe even a little more, who knows. I am happy and doing it all on my own. SWEET!!! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6768 Tue, 28 Feb 2006 01:23:40 EDT Relationship: A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other. As you can tell from my last post, I am horny, still am actually. For the first time in a while someone other then Adam has made me feel attractive. Not that his attention isn't greatly appricated, its just a welcomed, refreshing thought that someone finds me attractive and actually expresses that emotion and not just supressing it. The Athen saga... You have been reading all about his terrible way of dealing with his issues, by pushing me aside and keeping me in the dark. There is someone who is telling me he may not have been in Mexico as he said he was. I have not contacted this person back. Why you ask, becuase i believe in karma. If he wasn't really in MX as he said then karma will kick his ass. I still have feelings for him, yes I hear the collective groan, and no I am not going to let him just waltz back in like I let Ruben. I am already breaking one of my rules by being the first one to contact him, but i am slowing breaking that habit. School starts in less then a week. I am all tinglely about it. Its funny how much you hate it when you are yunger but as you get older you start to love it. I love school, i love learning in general. It puts me one step closer to London 2012, no not the olympics but the working overseas, done with the degree thing. I am getting a new phone, its only an upgrade/dated version of mine. I just hope I don't have nearly the same issues with this one I did with the old one. Fingers crossed... Yeah i know this one was particiularly long. But i had a lot to say. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6754 Sat, 25 Feb 2006 05:11:46 EDT I am alive, just don't know what to talk about. The Athen saga is going on, I tell you more in a later post just dont feel up to talking, its been a long week and only going to be longer. To make it worse, i am horny as fuck and have no other outlet but Rosie Fingerman to take care of it. I need to be fucked, MORE LIKE I WANT TO HAVE THE TOUCH ON A MAN. KISS, SUCK, FUCK, EVERYTHING, this can only lead to trouble. B http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6730 Wed, 22 Feb 2006 23:59:13 EDT Hi. Its ben, I am lying in bed (nothing kinky), Just thinking. You know me and thinking, it gets the best of me. Listing to the Veronicas, if you haven't heard them yet, woo nelly you don't know what you are missing. They are simply great. I had my yearly review today. I got a high score so my bonus is going to be great. Its actually after taxes quite a lot of money. I love it. The last year has been a rollercoaster at PRU and now i am being rewarded for it. I stuck it out, and not only did i get a promotion 4 months ago, i get raise to boot! This is the first job in a long while that I actually don't not want to go to. I like going into work, each and every file I have is different. The people I deal with are different every day, AND I LOVE THAT! There is a post over on blogger that is a poem, you know me and rhyming don't mix, so its my feelings about one boy. You all know who he is. Ohh and by the way, March is Ben's blog reader apprication month. More to come on that one, you may get the chance to be more the just a reader, thats right my broke ass may just buy you dinner, and if you live in AZ i may just join you... Again more to come... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6693 Fri, 17 Feb 2006 00:43:43 EDT Well I have to say this was by far one of the best Valentine's day I have had in a while. Very little drama, until late in the day. But over all it was great. I got roses today, Karen sent them to me even after i asked everyone not to do anything. My mom sent me a carnation. Now i feel like shit because was have a anti-valentine's day, a day like every other, and I did nothing for them. So now i need to kiss up.The one person I wanted to do something, even just send me a text message, forgot what day it was, and even told me he was pissed? Humm... But i am sticking to my promises so I am leaving it at that. I am now officially registered back at school!!! WOOHOO!!! Took me 4 hours to do it, but i am. I start in 2 weeks. Econ, Bus Com and Quality CS. I am excited! More to come, just needed to vent, kinda, not a good vent like my others but hey it anti-valentine's day. And I have to get the whole story before I do/say anything http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6676 Tue, 14 Feb 2006 18:04:09 EDT I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is. Okay so if you have been a loyal reader which i know i have a few, you have been reading my blog that has slowly gone from happy go lucky. To puke my guts out joyous, to hate everyone and their happiness, to just sounding out right, Alice-like (L-word reference, sweet!). So i am changing my life, well not changing just focusing it. I don't need a man to be complete. Borrowing from Frankie's blog post, and a comment that was on it, Relationships, or that special someone, are meant to ENHANCE your life, not COMPLETE it. You need to be totally happy with yourself and your life all by yourself before you should add someone to it. So Athen, I really like you, if you read this. I am sorry for every thing i have said, I was and still am kinda upset. But I understand why you are doing what you are doing. I with stick to my promise of the 20th. After that I can't promise anything. To Adam, probably one ofmy best friends in the world, after my best fresbian, you are very special to me. You will find happiness, some day you will. So I am going to try, and i mean honestly try to not talk about boys. Too much. :) http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6650 Mon, 13 Feb 2006 00:23:14 EDT I NEED TO VENT. BOYS SUCK! THEY NOT ONLY SUCK THEY DON'T EVEN SWALLOW! I am not a door mat! Why do guys think they can do that. I want to know, and I have a challenge to all the guys who read this, why do you treat me like you do? Why do you think that i treat you like gold you can treat me like shit. This goes to everyone that I have dated or hell talked to lately. Who the fuck am I kidding not a single one of you are going to read this, much less have the balls to respond. Don't promise you'll call, again, and then not. Don't think you can just show up again and expect everything to go back to what it was? Don't ask me to wait and then just disappear, just break up with me or tell me you want me. Something! ANYTHING! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6627 Fri, 10 Feb 2006 00:53:05 EDT You make me sick is playing in my head, yeah I know that he has nothing to do with my stomach hurting, but I want to think of it that way. He got scared. I didnt, and I am fucking hurt because of it. He promised something when he gets back from Mexico, if he is even in Mexico, at this point I don't even know if i want it, I am sick and tired of being used. I'm sick and tired of always being sick and tired . I don't want to be the used any more, I want a real relationship. a partnership. But i digress... So those that have been reading know i am going back to school, just don't know what for. Been thinking about Operational Management or some other business major. I have finally found a career i enjoy, and i want to continue down this path, I am going into Human Resources, that or politics, but thats another day another life, i've been too big of a slut. :-p! So my anti-valentine's day is going to be just like every other day. Nothing special, not even cute cards for co-workers, only reason for that is I couldnt find any cute cards. So i ask all of those who read this who would send me something, though i doubt it, please don't send me anything. Don't want anything this year. No flowers, chocolate, stuff animals, nothing, i want this to be just any other day. Its my first year at PRU that day. and what a year it will have been. Okay enough rambling, peace out y'all! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6618 Tue, 07 Feb 2006 22:22:36 EDT Well it has been quite the day. Had the day off from work, to go to a doctors appointment, over slept, big shocker, eh. Still havent been to the dentist. oops. Well Athen, athen athen athen. The little fucker is going to Mexico for work. I dont know if I should trust him or not. He is gone until the 20th. THE FUCKER IS GONE UNTIL AFTER VALENTINE'S DAY. And guess what i, the human push over said. I WILL WAIT, AM I REALLY THIS FUCKING STUPID. I sent him a message today asking him if he just wanted to break up, because honestly, i am fucking tired of being the other man, i am not going to be the bad guy! So his reponse was that he asked for time and I pushed. My repsonse was that i didnt want to break up but I wanted him to show that he actually cared for me, that he actually wanted me. So now i get told that school is on hold, and that work is important, but we will do something for vday when he gets back. IT BETTER BE FUCKING GOOD. Sorry for the launage in this one, i know its a lot and not work approriate, so stop reading. ooh wait, its a little late for that. I have finally upgraded. I have a wireless router! woohoo. its so nice to be anywhere in my house using my laptop with no wires. I mean how did i live with out this. Another thing I don't understand about men, why is there always someone there to pick up the pieces. And why am I the "i just dumped my boyfriend so let me try again with Ben man" I dont mind it, but i hate the comment, "I am over him now" That is prob the worst thing you can say. My stalker is back, well he still hasn't sent that text message he promised but its only early saturday morning. I think I have another stalker, they work at BCBS of AZ, could be the same person, but i would like to think I have two that would be hot! Almost done I sweat, watching the roast of pamela anderson for the millionth time and its still funny. Nothing like hearing Bea Authur talking about anal sex. Laterz. Ben http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6578 Fri, 03 Feb 2006 23:04:59 EDT I love food. I know i sound like a fat kid when i say that but I love food! Eating it, cooking it, smelling it, Food brings me joy, i love cooking for friends and family, for my man. I think it shocks people that i can cook as well as i do. I guess they think all i do is eat the food. I wish i could make a living out of cooking. I almost made a huge mistake today and I have no idea why i am beating myself up about it. One of my transferees home has mold in it, and the buyers are okay with it, they are buying it with no issues. But because we have to have a special letter and approval from the client i can't buy the house yet. I almost did. I am overwhelm at work, but at the same time i feel like a slacker, we are busy, and I mean really busy, 18 new inits today alone! One of the newbies just quit and it will take 8 years to replace her. Vicki our only RA right now is freaking out and is even busier then I am. I feel for her, but got a surprise for her... I am still feeling weird about the whole Athen situatution, I know my previous post sounded like i was over him, but... He saw me, even when I was invisable. I loved that. He was supposed to be my valentine. If you know me, you know I am a planner. I plan these stupidly romantic things in my head, and valentine's day was nothing different. Late night trip out to the desert, just me and him, sitting and looking down on Phoenix, toasting to this wonderful new thing we were starting. But my heart is starting to feel the same way my head feels. I don't like that feeling. I really don't. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6565 Wed, 01 Feb 2006 21:11:50 EDT Hi, If you have been reading for the last few weeks you have gotten to see/hear/read about the relationship that i have been going through. (Yes I know i promised to keep this happy and I will, well maybe a little gushy/mushy). Do you remember when you were in school, and you got that one card or valentine's day gift from a secret admirer, I want that. As you get older you call them a stalker but in someways you think its kinda hot. And when you meet that person they are totally not your type you dont care, you know them better, you don't care what they look like they are that secret admirer. Even if you never meet them, for what ever reason, you still always have that one person you think of, no matter how you feel, even when you feel invisible. I woke up this morning and did what i usually do, check my email. Yahoo first, then my google, dont even have to log on to my computer, just do it on my phone. Got an email from a fan, he has been reading the blog and just brighten my morning, my day really. He told me the same thing my two best friends told me, "If he walks away from you, he's a fool. You've got a lot going on and I can think of a lot of guys who would be proud and honored to have you by their side." And he and the rest of them are right, i am not giving up, but saying, that it is his loss, i am not perfect, i am not the only gay man on earth. I am however me, i am that lovable, geeky, nerdy, sexy, sweet, dorky, strong, teddy bear that I am. No one can change that, I get depressed, but i never change, i will always be me. Thank you, Ben http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6561 Tue, 31 Jan 2006 21:33:13 EDT i want a relationship again. i would like to start settling down, i know i am young and all that crap but i want someone, and honestly I want steady sex. Now seriously, I am tired of being the nice guy, they never seem to win. Athen finally responded, not pretty, he wants to back things up, "lets just be friends". I have enough friends, I dont sleep over at friends houses, i dont fall in love with friends. I could stand my ground, i could walk away, i could just be the push over, the toy, the afterthought, I dont want that. I dont want a man who thinks of me like that. Who wants me only when he has time, I want someone who will make time to be with me. I don't know still if he broke up with me, or what i gave him to valentine's day. My head is saying he did, my heart is telling me he didn't. I know he won't read this and if he does, well he knows how i feel. I'll be okay, and i promise my blog posts will stop being so depressing... Can't it be easier? Can't I just change my life? Cause it just seems to go bad every time http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6553 Mon, 30 Jan 2006 21:18:14 EDT Well who know i would fall for the quiet type, or maybe I am just too blind to see what is really going on. I saw brokeback again today. Really put a lof of things into perspective, I am Jack, I am find someone, get really close to him, let him in, start to want him for more, and he disappears. No calls, no text messages, silence, I have been on the verge of tears for a few days, been more then depressed, tired, and most importantly I am sick and tired of being lonely. Of letting a guy get to me like this. I am being patient, but loosing my patience, I don't want him to dump me, but if he is going to just get it over with, stop avoiding me and just tell me what he wants, if he wants me... Cowoys have it right, living on the fringe, wide open spaces, just me and the land, Yeah right, could you imagine me without my cell phone, computer, or tv. I do want a vacation, let go of everything. How I feel... Cassie Cartwright: [on the verge of tears] I don't get you, Ennis del Mar. Ennis del Mar: I'm sorry. [he pauses] Ennis del Mar: Was probably no fun anyway, was I? Cassie Cartwright: [crying] Ennis, girls don't fall in love with fun! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6542 Sat, 28 Jan 2006 22:04:04 EDT I googled myself today. Its funny, and yes I know there have been millions of books and articles on this idea, but i wanted to put in my two cents. Google can find 99.99% of everything. You can find friends, books, porn, your doctors office, and cheap meds. And there is even chat groups to help you find things you cant find on google. But it goes beyond searching for crap, 20 other services that are available from google and that just for non comerical users. I mean come on, google has to to possiblely been the best invention in the last few decades, after the dildo, and well um... Starbucks. SO AMERICA GET UP AND GOOGLE YOURSELF, I DO ON A DAILY BASIS! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6513 Thu, 26 Jan 2006 00:27:53 EDT I have to start off by saying we all have off weeks, months and even years, I think this is an off couple of weeks for me. Last week was probablily the worst in a long while. I just wasnt myself. I have been drinking a lot of tea lately, Tazo tea Joy and Awake, Very good. I went and saw last holiday last saturday. Very good movie. I also went and saw brokeback last wednesday. I loved it. Not becuase Jake took it up the ass but because it was a great movie, they didnt focus on the sexual aspects of gay men but and the feelings and passions they have for each other. It was more romantic then sexual, and if it wasn't about 2 men the movie would be even more of a public success, maybe not as criticially acclaimed... Speaking of gay, I was watching the new disney channel movie High School Musical. They had gay characters, they were very very very subtile but they were there, IF FUCKING DISNEY CHANNEL CAN SEE THAT HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A CHOICE, WHY CAN'T THE REST OF AMERICA. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6514 Wed, 25 Jan 2006 00:38:45 EDT I let someone in and now he won't respond. Now he is slowly disapearing. Tells me he is busy studying, writes in his blog he was hanging out with his friend. I was scared to let someone in, to feel so strongly about someone. To change things for him. To want him, to think constantly about him, to want him more then a lot of things. I dont know whats going on who he is, who he wants, if he even wants me. I HATE THIS! To be left outside alone, and its a damn cold night. I want romance. I was thinking about it last night, today, the last 22 years. I want to wake up and see a rose on my door step, I want him to call and leave me a voice mail saying I miss you, and hanging up. I want him to get angry that I answer, and tells me to hang up so he could call back. I want to have him surprise me, just because. I want to know, that would be awesome, knowing. Seriously, its fucking cold outside. this is Arizona, it should be warm. if not hot. I am going back to school. In march. I need the diversion, more like I need the learning again. I need the learning that is not going to effect someone other then me I should say. I learn everyday at work, just if I dont understand, I can fuck someone badly. I took Adam back to the airport last night. He is truely a friend. I love the airport, the next time i go to the airport I am getting on the plane. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6476 Sun, 22 Jan 2006 03:29:28 EDT I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT IS WRONG. I have to start with an appology, I have been totally out of it this week. Just everything has been a drama, and today I just wasnt myself. I let something get to me that I shouldnt have. Mostly what happened was my fault. I over reacted. I KNOW BIG SHOCK! What was wrong is I was letting the past control my present. I was letting previous relationships, one in particular, get under my skin and start making me think the same about my current one. Athen has given me no reason to think he will cheat, or is lying, or is using me. He is not just talking to me when he wants something, when he says he is sorry he is genunine. I also over reacted about work, and funny thing, the same fucking voice was in my head. I am where I am because I am smart, and i know what I am doing, not because someone is playing with me, or im being someone's pawn. I am happy, but I am not. Something or someone is missing. I don't. I am just so blah. Simple plan is playing in my head, Untitled. Everybody's screaming I try to make a sound but no one hears me I'm slipping off the edge I'm hanging by a thread I wanna start this over again I've made my mistakes I've got no where to run The night goes on As I'm fading away I'm sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me? I know this is a long one, just had a lot to say. Should have posted this in 360 or blogger. I just like wink site better. I actually got button happy and hit the back space twice and went back a few pages and thought I lost everything I wrote. I had a mini panic/heart attack! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6467 Sat, 21 Jan 2006 02:01:35 EDT I am sitting here, scared shitless. I slept over at Athen's last night, and it was great. He is not my problem, thats the thing, I dont know what my problem is. It can be countless things, but I have an idea, But I cant control it right now, i have to wait, its like a curse, every two weeks it comes and then days later its gone. I spread myself too thin when it comes to the curse. I think my consant stress over the curse is going to tear a part my friendships, my relationship and most importantly its making me in to this drone! This whiny asshole who can't sleep, consantly has a headache, and makes me boring! SAVE ME, OR HELP ME SAVE MYSELF! :-p And yes I want to be safe in my own skin. Je veux me sentir sûr dans ma propre peau http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6436 Sun, 15 Jan 2006 23:03:16 EDT Why do we wonder? Why do we stop and smell the roses? Why does my mind wonder from place to place, from thing to thing? Why do I keep thinking about the past? Of things and places I can't change? They have already happened. Why do I forget who I am, in order to please someone. I miss being me, fun always, never working too hard. No one asked me to be this way, i did it my self. I asked for a promotion, more work, more credit, more money. but I didnt realize that i would give up a part of my self. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6417 Fri, 13 Jan 2006 23:24:13 EDT Do you remember when you were younger, the only thing you have to worry about is school and chores. As you grow older you have friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, clubs, sports, jobs, love, hate, and most importantly, passion. You have dreams and wants and the feeling that you can do anything you can set your mind too... THEN WHAM! YOU TURN 18 AND EVERYTHING CHANGES. You become an adult, you get bills, and life just gets harder! I miss having that passion, that drive that I can do what ever I put my mind to. I like my job its fun, but its not what i want. The sad thing is i dont know what i want to do. I know i need to have a job, pay bills all the fun shit adults have to do. What i would love to do, my passion, is get lost. Take my back pack, a few change of clothes and get lost, travel europe, asia, russia, go to the south pole. Just me, my laptop, a cell phone, and a credit card i dont have to pay for, yet at least. Athan and I are going well. He is funny, still hard to read, and thats interesting, Its kinda fun, I am constantly learning something new. He does have one fault that I have found thus far, he love pickles. What is it with pickles, I don't hate them, just the smell, and taste I hate. He lost his job and he has been kinda closed off, its very hard for me to stand back and let him be closed off. Sunday were supposed to hang and he was going to call, but didnt and i went over anyway, it ended but being great, more then great, awesome. But I just don't want to be too damn pushy, that i push him away. I like him too much to do that. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6403 Wed, 11 Jan 2006 01:16:46 EDT I'm guessing not a lot of people compare life to laundry. i'm weird, like doing laundry. its almost zen like. calming, its been a crazy week. work has just been slow, not steady but slow. i like my job and I know not everyone like me, but I though I could trust a few people... But you now what there are a few people who have nothing else better to do with their time but talk shit. they don't have to like me, but what i hate is that i defended that bitch, I did things when asked, I took files when they had to many. I am nice to everyone, it doesnt matter who you are or what position. I get bored i start cleaning, i start asking for things to do. I AM NOT SUCKING UP, OR KISSING ASS TO GET A FUCKING PROMOTION. AND IF I WAS I WOULD HAVE MORE CLASS AND TASTE THEN TO GET SOME FUCKING LAME JOB WHERE I HAVE A TON OF WORK, So all those people who talk shit or talk down to me, go fuck yourself, I got to were I am because I know my shit and can take care of it. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6382 Sat, 07 Jan 2006 23:53:22 EDT I know i need to be patient. I know that I have to become more patient. Work is beyond slow, it goes in waves, i cant sit and do nothing. Driving today everyone and everything got in my way. I am sitting here, going insane... I just feel weird today, like yesterday, I think something is going to happen. Again i know need to stop the pessimism. Money, love, pain, family. Speaking of money, I think and talk about it way too much. I AM ANNOYING MYSELF! Sense my new years resolution of quitting soda is long sense broken, I am making a late addition, I am going to stop thinking so much about money. Its a necessary evil, I have to get used to that. Pourquoi pouvoir je n'arrête pas sentant cette façon... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6379 Fri, 06 Jan 2006 20:46:12 EDT I am copying part of a song in here, its how i feel right now. I dont know if its the meds i am taking or if its really how i feel. Not about anything or anyone, I just feel off. Like something is wrong, or something is going to be wrong. I am allowing someone into my life and heart that is totally unlike anyone else I have ever dated. I guess more then anything I am scared, I am scared that the same thing is going to happen all over again and I dont want that. i dont think athan will, i think i will, like i am going to screw something up, say the wrong thing do the wrong thing. Not just with him, but at work today I spent about 6 hours stressing over asking for an exception from my client and i didnt have to, i go to my manager to proof my email, and i tell her straight out i am freaking about this and she tells im a wack job, thats her favorite saying i swear. As I have said before I feel different. Its a new year damnit and i am going to try my hardest to not be such a damn pesimest. I am going to be positive for once in my damn life. I need that, i need some positivity... So here is the song. Its for my feelings. I didn't lose my mind it was, Mine to give away, Couldn't stay to watch me cry, You didn't have the time, So I softly slip away. No regrets they don't work, No regrets now they only hurt, Sing me a love song, Drop me a line, Suppose it's just a point of view, But they tell me I'm doing fine http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6366 Thu, 05 Jan 2006 22:58:27 EDT I am flying on a total high today. But at the same time I am feeling quite weird. I know Athen is holding back. I know we have both been hurt in the past. I know a lot of the hurt I have had is my own fault, holding on to something that was long gone. I want him for who he is, I want wake up like i did this morning, everyday. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me tighter into him. When he touched me it sent shivers down my spine. His smile could melt muntains. I am scared at this point, I have never felt this way. He is hard to read sometimes, i don't know really how he feels, he's says everything is going how it should, but I feel weird. I can't tell what he feels, i love that and hate that! I dont know what else to say, for once I am speachless... :-p http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6349 Mon, 02 Jan 2006 13:25:06 EDT Athan is by far one of the best men I have ever met. He is perfect in his imperfections. Yes I have found someone I want to be with who wants me for me. He doesnt want to change me, he doesn't want to use me. He is secure in who he is. When I am away from him i miss his touch. When I am near him I cant stop touching him. He kisses like he means it, like he cant go own with it. Last night he took me, his sister, his mom, and his friend to a drag show and a hooka bar. That was all a lot of fun. BUT THE BEST THING, he fell asleep in my arms. I really like this guy, i like him a lot. Like the title says I have fallin and I sure as hell dont want to get up. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6334 Sat, 31 Dec 2005 13:23:58 EDT I am serriously crushing on you. You know who you are. I dont want to write his name because I think I will lose him if i do. (Superstious, and he is so great someone might steal him) See he is most deffinately the best man I have meet in my life. He is smart, funny, stable, understands my sense f humor (thats a big one). He has this smile that melts me where I stand. He texts just about as much as I do if not more. He grew up in London! He loves CSI, he wants to be a CSI (MAJOR POINTS). For christmas he got me two stitch dolls and sprayed them with his cologne. That was so sweet. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, he likes me for me. He likes me just as I am. I can be honest with him, I dont have to fake, or work for him to like me. We both have our pasts which have some similarities, but we are different. He isnt skinny, he has some meat on him, when I hold him, I am holding him, he fills my arms and I love it. Hell even the stars are in line. What could be better? I'll post a pic to blogger... I am rammbling... what does that tell you... I am falling for this bloke, I am falling hard for this bloke. I hope he has a pillow or at least some lumbar supprt because I think i might break something... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6304 Tue, 27 Dec 2005 01:37:45 EDT Why do we have to be so damn impatient. My account has been overdrawn now for 7 days. AND IT WASNT MY FAULT! So of course my bank has to charge a maintance fee! So as of right now my account is at a -$210, I mean come on! Six overdraft fees and about 10 calls to customer service I am still waiting for them to credit my account for something has been resloved! Guess who is going to be hearing from me... the BBB! Woohoo, I love writing angry customer letters, more then I used to like reading them! SO COMPASS GET READY! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6281 Thu, 22 Dec 2005 23:23:34 EDT Yes the title is weird but that is how i feel. Just weird, i have this head cold that is geting annoying. Of course because I am sick I am horny as dog! Ooh and I am piesed! Anastacia's new CD hasnt been released in the US. That means I have to pay up the ass for it as an import! THOSE BITCHES! I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. I always get sick, it doesnt fail. Plus, I dont have the money to spend on my friends and family like I would like to, i know its the thought that counts, and if that was really true my family would be getting the best most expensive gifts. I love this time of year because perople in AZ are generally nicer. Not everyone mind you but most everyone, they are nice. That is the end of my rants for today. Mostly nonsense... But hey its me. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6266 Wed, 21 Dec 2005 00:20:16 EDT I have made an decision. I am not going to change the spelling or grammar anymore after I have submitted an entry. Reason being is unless I can't understand it when I re-read it, why should i change it. Its mine. I wrote it. IM NOT PERFECT, THUS MY WRITING WILL NOT BE... DEAL, KISSES TO THE BITCHES! BeN http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6239 Sat, 17 Dec 2005 04:06:13 EDT I just finished reading The Sluts and had to write a review. I read a lot of gay fiction and this was by far the weirdest most intriguing book I have read. I will not go into details, but the format of the story was genius! With everything happening online today and all of the possible lies that surround the internet this book drew you in from page one. Sick and disgusting in some points, it is not for the weak of heart. I highly recamend you read this book, if not for a good creapy novel, for a sad look at how much the internet draws you into its grasp and doesn't let go. http://www.denniscooper.net/thesluts.htm http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6223 Thu, 15 Dec 2005 01:14:06 EDT It has been a long long week. It was one thing after another this week. I got about 5 new files, all needed to be done right then, i got my business cards. IT SUCKS!!! I AM AN ADULT NOW! HELP ME! Thursday i tried to kill myself. No really, I had a file on my desk with the prongs up. I go to type and i jab myself with one of the prongs, it bleed for about an hour. It was no fun. On a really fun note... I am really really enjoying my cock ring. It is by far the best feeling, when i wearing it, and it makes a great accessory. The ball strecher isn't long enough to go around, i am quite depressed. ;-) http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6186 Sun, 11 Dec 2005 01:22:27 EDT I bought a cockring from www.picturebritecorp.com. I also bought a ball strecher. I'll tell you how everything goes ;-) http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6187 Tue, 29 Nov 2005 00:30:16 EDT Why is it in gay movies there always has to be a HIV/AIDS sub plot. Yesterday I watched a movie called Bear Cub... VERY VERY GOOD movie... I know its a big part of our community but come on... does it really need to be in every single movie. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6058 Sun, 27 Nov 2005 19:14:22 EDT Does it make me less of a man that I am gay? Does it make me less of a gay man that i dont go out and party every weekend? Does it make me less of a gay man because I want more then sex, i want a relationship and all the ups and downs that go with it? Does it make me less of an american that i think that the war is Iraqi is the most pointless battle! DOES IT MAKE ME LESS OF A HUMAN THAT I WANT MORE THEN WHAT I HAVE! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D6029 Tue, 22 Nov 2005 21:33:13 EDT Honestly, do i come with some disclaimer that says you have to fucking toy with my heart! I am so tired of boys who play with my heart. All i want is a man who wants me for who i am. who sees me even when I am invisible. I am so tried of being to pushy for some guys and not pushy enough for other guys. I want a man who is funny, smart, kind, sweet, knows what he wants. A man who is scared of me. Who is willing to be himself and not give a damn what the hell happens. I am so tired of being hurt! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5996 Sat, 19 Nov 2005 23:25:15 EDT I LOVE MARGARET CHO. She is so fucking funny. Her latest show is Assassin. Funny shit! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5977 Wed, 16 Nov 2005 20:39:40 EDT In the past 3 months, I have been laid off, given employee of the month, had surgery, asked to stay, and now... drum roll please... I HAVE BEEN PROMOTED!!!! I got the job i wanted when i started. I am respected as a valued employee and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I proved to my myselt that i am not easily expendable. That things are supposed to happen, that i control who i am not what happens to me. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5876 Mon, 31 Oct 2005 20:58:04 EDT WHY IS WRONG FOR ME TO WANT TO USE A COMPUTER? Recently I got a brand new laptop. Its sweet, top of the line for another 2-3 weeks. I want to use it, play with it. I am like a teenage boy who is masterbating for the first time, i cant get enough of it. Some have decieded that i spend way to much time in front a computer everyday, that i ever do is get up use the computer, got to work and get on a computer, go home and get on the computer. I AM A BIG BOY! I DO WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT. I STILL GO OUT, I STILL COOK DINNER, I STILL TALK WITH MY REAL LIFE FRIENDS! SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM WITH ME WANTING TO USE A GOD DAMN COMPUTER!!! On a lighter note, i'm pregers! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5848 Fri, 28 Oct 2005 10:13:09 EDT I have a had a lot of wonderful things happen to me lately. They have been all terribly wonderful things. But i still feel guilty, i havent asked for them, but one. I just feel so wonderfully terrible. I have had to work for most everything in my life, and when i am finally am given something its weird... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5818 Tue, 25 Oct 2005 23:12:47 EDT i am not afraid of death. i am not afraid of commitment. I AM AFRAID OF BEING ALONE. i miss the touch of a man, not sexually, but the sensuality the feel of a mans lips on my skin, waking up with his arm over me, his stomach pressed into my back. going on a date, holding hands in a darken movie theater. just be happy and not case about anyone around us. why is that so hard to find? a man who wants more then sex, who wants/can have an intellent conversation. why? http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5780 Fri, 21 Oct 2005 03:58:49 EDT why is it so hard to fall in love. to be the center of someone's universe, or them the center of theirs. i want to settle down, but at the same time i don't want to get trapped in a relationship where i'm not happy and just hurt in the end. a man with a sense of adventure, who is willing to do what ever to be happy. i want a man that is mine, i don't want to share. ooh and i want a pony, and again some cake. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5755 Sun, 16 Oct 2005 03:33:38 EDT When your young you can sleep when ever you want, and cry to get moved to a nice cozy spot. As you get older you want to stay up later and later, until finally your an adult. When your an adult you don't have a bedtime and you can stay up all night if you want. But, when you need to sleep you can't, you sleep when you don't want too, and sometimes you need something to aide your sleep. FUCKING HELL, can i not get back to a normal sleep pattern. I want to be a baby again, sans the diapers. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5682 Fri, 30 Sep 2005 04:53:50 EDT Okay so over the last few weekes i have been a lot of thinking, More then i really should have. One thing that kept comming up in my thoughts was happiness. Have I been prevening my self from being happy? Have I been holding on to issues of the past that have prevented me from being happy? I think the answer to both is yes. One place i stated was love. Right now i have a fews guys who each are great of me in one way or another. All but 1 of them are unavailable, ether emotionally or physically. I want to be in love, feel love and love in return. Lately, I have been filling that void with sex. Most of the sex has been lack luster and left me feeling used! Some has been mind blowing walk crooked the next day sex. So this is my fuck you, my good bye to all my stubbling blocks, hello to happiness. SIGH! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5656 Mon, 26 Sep 2005 17:19:54 EDT i got a no in the "is Ben a dork" survey. who put that. a no i didn't vote no on myself. i actually voted yes. because being a dork is not always bad. sometimes it can be lots of fun. :-D ;-) http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5648 Sat, 24 Sep 2005 08:40:44 EDT I have never given birth and dont plan on it, but today i had the splint removed from my nose and OH MY GOD. THAT WAS THE MOST PAINFUL THING I HAVE EVER GONE THROUGH. The splint was about 3/4" long and 1/2" wide. The doctor numbed my nose and yanked it out. it was terrible. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5627 Tue, 20 Sep 2005 21:38:15 EDT i want to go on a date, movies, dinner, a conversation, WHY IS THAT SO FUCKING HARD TO FIND. I know sex is great, but a real relationship, were sex irony a certain part of it. also, NOT EVERY GAY MAN IS NOT A FUCKING SIZE 34, we come in every size and shape. deal with it or go fuck a woman. there i said it. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5623 Mon, 19 Sep 2005 17:30:08 EDT As many of you reading this know i had surgery on tuesday. I was weird, i was one of the few people in the surgery center who had a penis and wasn't getting plastic surgery. the surgery went well and i get two weeks off work. I'll post pictures to blogger when i look a little better. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5603 Thu, 15 Sep 2005 16:14:26 EDT I am sitting here watching DOGMA, my favorite relgious movie on earth. Yes it is religous. And i am sitting here. Look at all that has happened to me, to the world the last 1.5-2 months, is there really a god. And who is to say there isn't more then one god. I am so fed up of christians and catholics thinking that there is only one god, one all mighty being... and more over, if god created man in his likeness, would that make him gay, black and a woman? Plus he dances, drinks beer, watches porn and HAS SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5568 Sun, 11 Sep 2005 16:48:30 EDT Well i am sitting at home on a friday... Big shock huh... This has been the week from hell. Yesterday, on my way to work I got a flat tire. I know big deal. I have gotten changing a tire down to 15 minutes. But the can of fix-a-flat exploded all over me! That burned for most of the day. Just interviewing, getting more and more nervous about surgery and just all and all getting annoyed. I got a new tire today and got to see a soft shell turtle. Its so cute. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5559 Fri, 09 Sep 2005 22:00:05 EDT Okay this isnt going to me some heart felt sappy story tell you to donate. This is going to be a rant about BUSH! Look at when Texas (Republican State) got ravaged by the storms a few years back. Look at Florida (Republican State). And then something happens in a democratic, mostly black, poor state. IF THAT ISNT BULLSHIT I DONT KNOW WHAT IS! And then all Bush's gas guzzling buddies decieded ooh here is a way we can flease america (THANKS NBC). I am paying $3.17 A FUCKING GALLON, when the gas compamies are pulling in the highest profits in how fucking long! And there isnt a damn thing we can do about it. Boycotting gas wont do anything but put people who own indendant stations out of business. Writing a letter will only cramp your hand. Calling will just get you a machine. And blowing something up will get you thrown in jail. For a country founded on freedom of speach and religon we sure are silenced... http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5508 Mon, 05 Sep 2005 17:24:51 EDT Okay, so i am beyond this whining I have been doing. Some say its cute. One thinks its for pity. But i need to make some changes. So as of today, this is my story. Its a work in progress. Some people may not like what they read. some may be upset, but its my life. And i am not perfect. AND I DONT WANT PERFECTION. Just happiness. So keep reading. Every moment is important., live that moment like its means nothing else. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5487 Wed, 31 Aug 2005 21:39:05 EDT I was told today that i have relationship issues. More to the point "That sucks that you still have relationship issues that keep me from committing. I was also told that "It will be good for u to run away from your sick mom and hopefully not be a doormat anymore. Plus there are new opportunities for you to end up with my parents lives in a new place." I try to be strong but i cant be. I let the words of some fucking loser get to me. I let some fucking retard know everything that i didnt want and what did he do, use it against me. He turned it around like he does everything and hurt me. I am not sorry that RUBEN is gone. I am not sorry that I lost my first love. I am sorry that i LET my first hurt me. I dont care about the physical hurt, those wounds heal. But its the emotional one. I am WAY OVER RUBEN. Its not him i want, its what i felt with that i want. The feeling of sleeping with a man every night, the feel of his skin. I want to commit but at the same time i dont want a life time. I am 22, i have an entire life time to find mr right. Part 2 of RUBEN'S bitchiness. I will admit, i was an ass to him. I think i did it to try and get the upper hand, it worked but it didnt. He has lately been GLOATING! about his new boytoy. I dont care about him being with someone new, i do care that he is shoving it in my face. I love Phoenix, i really do. But its getting boring. There is nothing here for me. With in the next few years my best friend is moving away, there may be a shake up in my family, and my heart just isnt here anymore. So i dont know. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5478 Sun, 28 Aug 2005 00:52:20 EDT okay so i was pretty hurt that Queer as Folk went off the air, BUT I LOVE WEEDS! its funny, intelligent, smart, and just fucking great. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5464 Tue, 23 Aug 2005 01:36:55 EDT I just love the people who dont call or write us unless they want something. But see the thing is it didnt get to me. IT ONLY MAKES ME STRONGER, IT ONLY MAKES ME HATE YOU MORE. SEE I LIKE HATING YOU, I DONT THINK OF THE GOOD THINGS, JUST THE BAD, THE THINGS THAT HURT. YOU GO AND MOVE ONE WITH YOU NON SCARY MAN. BECUASE YOU ARE A MAN. I KNOW YOU, YOU WILL GET BORED AND YOU'LL CHEAT AGAIN... DID YOU TELL HIM THAT. DID YOU! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5448 Fri, 19 Aug 2005 18:14:31 EDT You know when you are in a relationship all you can think about is that one person. the one who makes your blood boil, your skin tighten your beat faster. but when all that is gone whats left. the pain the hurt the sorrow. and then of course trying to replace that feeling. love is a feeling one that lifts you up when your down. all you need is love. oh and cake. cake is good. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5444 Thu, 18 Aug 2005 15:21:47 EDT guys suck. i know i'm a big guy. i'm no twink. i don't want a twink. i want a real man. one who know what he wants. one whose not a freak. i found out my ex is dating someone new. i know big deal. he was in asshole, hit me, treated me like shit, but why does he get it. why do the bad guys get ahead and i just get it in the behind. Editors Note: Unless you tell someone who you are, only I know who you are A$$hole! :) http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5440 Tue, 16 Aug 2005 03:44:55 EDT well you read the title. i'm a little depressed today. work was shit. i am tired of guys just wanting sex. and guys that don't are else where. http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5428 Fri, 12 Aug 2005 23:05:45 EDT So i was laid off. But what do i see from my company today? A STORY ABOUT THEM SPENDING $200K ON A TENT AT A GOLF TURNEMENT! We cant keep you but we can go stay in an air conditioned tent that cost as much as 6 peoples jobs!!!! http://winksite.com/open.cfm?susid=10085&page=ms_bl_v.cfm%3Fsusid%3D10085%26id%3D5424 Thu, 11 Aug 2005 11:22:45 EDT